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- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -

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The following is a paid
advertisement from Guy Bilzerian.

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It is not approved by the
New York Bar Association.

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I'm Guy Bilzerian, attorney
at law and family man.

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But I will happily abandon my family

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to get you the divorce
settlement you deserve.

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You might know me from my bench
ads, my three delinquent sons,

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or my twice-institutionalized wife.

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But I want you to know me
as your first line of defense

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against bitch ex-wives
and asshole ex-husbands,

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'cause I play both sides of the coin.

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It's the law, not magic,

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and anyone who does magic is
a disappointment to his father.

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Call me today, because marriage
is a sham and love dies.

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Let's bury the body together.

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- Jay, keep rolling.
- Dad... oh, shit!

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We know you threw a party

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while we were at your
father's cardiology conference.

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We have half a mind not
to give you these T-shirts.

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It was just a few people.

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Jud, Leah, you're
grounded for three weeks.

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- Three weeks? That's ridiculous.
- Make it four. I'm writing my manifesto.

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- What a work ethic on this kid.
- Wait, do I not get punished?

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Aww. Nicky, you're my
sweet little pumpkin.

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- You're not responsible.
- Mom, I'm not a pumpkin.

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- Well, you're my baby...
- I'm not a baby.

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Besides, you can't be grounded.

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You need to dance with
me at Jessi's bat mitzvah.

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And save a dance for me, too.

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Did you know that if you raise
the roof, when they do that,

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then you can lower your
arms and it's hugging arms.

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Kids, I'm sorry to be
the bearer of bad news,

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but we've all discussed
it, and the parents agree

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that neither of you are
ready to be in a relationship.

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- What?
- But we are ready!

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We just won't lie to you anymore.

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And what about the mons pushing?

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- What the hell's a mons?
- Oh, we don't need...

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A mons push is a preamble
to sexual intercourse.

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- Mom!
- Oh, God, our son is a deviant.

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What'd you do to her, you pervert?
Corrupting this little girl.

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Look at her, she's a child.

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But she's six months older than me.

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Know what they do to
pedophiles in the big house?

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- Okay...
- Shank 'em in the shower

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and turn their pee into
wine. That's what they do.

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We just think the kids need
to stop seeing each other.

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- Missy, let's go.
- I'm sorry.

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- Goodbye, Andrew.
- Goodbye, Missy.

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No! Missy!

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Why don't you go outside,

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push that mons of yours
against the lawnmower?

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- It's nighttime.
- Isn't that when you perverts go out?

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I finally agree to let your dumbass
friends play Jessi's bat mitzvah

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- and they back out at the last minute?
- Chill, Shannon.

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You know what makes a woman
not want to chill, Greg?

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Having a man tell her to chill.

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I can't believe my mom.

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She kisses some lady on the
street, now she's being mean to Dad?

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That is fucked up, but who is the lady?

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I don't know. I never
even thought about that.

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The party is tomorrow!

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We all know that, everyone knows that!

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- Guys, stop yelling.
- Honey, we're not yelling.

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We're discussing the logistics
for the best day of your life.

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Best day of your life? Hah!

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Your parents keep fighting,

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you got a big ol' pimple
percolatin' on your forehead,

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and crooked Shannon forced
you to buy that dress

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- that makes your torso look boxy.
- You don't like the dress?

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It doesn't work! It never worked!

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I hate my life, and I hate my dress!

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The dress looks great.

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Just take a deep breath and relax.

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You know what makes a person
not want to relax, Shannon?

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- Nice turn.
- Shut up, Dad!

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Burn the house to the ground!

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Use the boxy dress as kindling.

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It's so annoying. She treats
me like I'm a little kid.

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You are a little kid. I
saw your dick, remember?

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- You guys could be prosecuted for that.
- Where, in ghost court?

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Hey! Ghost Court, that's
a good idea for a TV show!

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Nick, you got to contact
my agent, Jew Fishman.

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He'll work out the details.

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Hi, sweetie. Just
wanted to say good night.

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Actually, I don't
really feel comfortable

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kissing you on the lips anymore.

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Is that okay?

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Okay, sure. Yeah, of course.

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Um, how about I just tuck you in,
kiddo, okay, and I'll be on my way?

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You know, I actually think I got it.

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Just gotta pull the blanket up a bit.

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Okay, great, fantastic.

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- So... good night, Nicky.
- Nick.

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I think I'd like you to
call me Nick from now on.

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Okay, Nick.

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- Good night, Diane.
- Watch it.

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What the hell did you
just do to your mama?

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I'm setting some boundaries.

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That woman loves you unconditionally.

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When you were a baby, she made
you personalized tittie cocktails.

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Are you talking about breast feeding?

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Yecch! It's gross when you say it.

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I'm getting older, and I don't
want to be babied anymore.

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I drank my mommy's boobie
juice till I was 12 years old.

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♪ And no woman ever measured up ♪
♪ To the love of my life ♪

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♪ My mommy ♪

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Huge breasts!

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What's wrong, my love?

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I feel like Nicky just broke up with me.

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He doesn't want me to
tuck him in anymore,

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doesn't even want me to call him Nicky.

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Diane, we have to let
our baby bird leave the nest.

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I know, but... but when he's gone,

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there will be no more
babies to take care of.

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You can take care of me. You
want me to dress up like a baby?

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You're such a weird perv sometimes.

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Aww, you remember our vows, Mommy.

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Oh, please, if you're so handicapped
maybe you shouldn't be driving!

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We are so square. We look
like a couple of Fig Newtons.

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- Hey, Jess.
- Hey, Cantor Dina.

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Wow! Really good vibes
in this room. Yes!

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FYI, we're gonna begin the
journey in five minutes.

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- Okay.
- Or as we say in the theater,

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- "Thank you, five."
- Okay.

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You have to say it back to me.

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- Thank you, five?
- Shalom.

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Found you!

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No. Why?

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Listen, I know I'm not supposed
to see the bat before the mitzvah,

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but ta-da... oww!

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Jesus, fuck!

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- Please don't give me flowers.
- What? I can't help it.

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I mean, look at you.

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You're like a square, sexy box.

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I just want to, like, take you to FedEx

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and fill you full of packing peanuts.

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Stop! I hate this dress. My
stupid mother made me get it.

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Oh, yeah, moms are so stupid.

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They're always passing
out drunk in the bath

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instead of signing your
field trip permission slip.

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Oh, Jay, that is real bleak.

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Look, could we just cool it
with the romantic gestures, okay?

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As you wish, my boxy Jewess.

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Wha... aah! Oh!

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- Andrew, what are you doing?
- I missed you, Missy.

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Yeah, I missed you, too.

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Our parents are being crazy, right?

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You want to be with me,
and I want to be with you.

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What if we... What
if we dated in secret?

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Ohh. You mean like Fatima and Gustavo?

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Yes, except, of course,
I won't be a horse.

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Yeah, but you're hung
like one. Reveal your meat.

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Wowzie-wow, forbidden lovers?

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I can tell that I'm genuinely excited
because my back is really sweaty.

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Oh. Shall I dab it with my tallit?

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Is that kosher?

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I don't know, but I feel like
we're breaking all the rules today.

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Ooh...

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Andrew, where are you?

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I'm done fighting over
the handicapped spot.

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I'll find you later, Fatima.

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Sorry, a lot of feelings. Ooh!

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♪ We gather all together ♪

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♪ The mothers and the fathers ♪
Uh-huh.

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Hey, that singing rabbi up
there, does she look familiar?

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That's the cantor. She
just does the "music."

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- That's a whole job?
- Exactly. It's a scam!

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- Like soap. Soap is lard.
- Marty, be quiet!

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Ooh, I spoke to Greg. There will
be no scallops at this bat mitzvah.

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Thank goodness. Last time, we
had to throw away your suit.

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And my shoes. Don't forget my shoes.

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They were like the spill tray.

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Hey, does this church
serve those, uh, wafers?

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- I didn't eat breakfast.
- Oh, you poor starving thing.

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Let me see what I've
got in my purse here.

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- Aw, thanks, Mrs. Birch.
- Here. Call me Diane.

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Okay, Mommy.

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Psst! Hey, let's sneak off with Missy

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while your dad is scratching
what appears to be a troll's foot.

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Hmm...

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So I'm Cantor Dina Reznick,

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and I have had the distinct
honor of being Jessi's guide.

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I don't know what it is,
but I do not like that woman.

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And it's been a real
simcha, right, Jess?

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She's the worst. I hate
how she "huchs" her words.

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She should shut the fucch up.

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- Hi.
- Hi.

189
00:09:14,471 --> 00:09:17,682
- I can't believe we're alone.
- We can do whatever we want.

190
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Do you boys need a yarmulke?

191
00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:21,186
No, thank you, Mr. Fishman.

192
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Come on, it's too dangerous
out here. Come with me.

193
00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:25,982
Yeah, I'll take a yarmulke,
for my Jewish penis.

194
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,026
Thank you!

195
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I use it to cover my bald spot.

196
00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:33,281
And now, for the first aliyah,

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I'd like to invite up Jessi's
beautiful mother Shannon

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00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:37,827
and her husband Greg.

199
00:09:41,998 --> 00:09:45,293
Oh, uh... don't worry, I
won't mons push you this time.

200
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You can mons push me all you want.

201
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- Look at her pawing at your mama.
- Seriously.

202
00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:54,385
That's a very long hug.

203
00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,974
Andrew, isn't that your jazz hat?

204
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Huh.

205
00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:03,937
That's Jessi's mom.

206
00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:05,647
Oh, God.

207
00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:07,524
Oh, my God.

208
00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,276
It's her.

209
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,112
Jessi... Jessi...

210
00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:13,404
- Jessi.
- Huh?

211
00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:15,657
So it's time for you to
read your Torah portion.

212
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,285
- I can't do it.
- Yes, you can.

213
00:10:19,369 --> 00:10:23,456
You are a woman now, and
this is what women do.

214
00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:27,961
We suck up all the bullshit
that the world dumps up on us

215
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:31,798
and keep smiling through it
all in our boxy-ass dresses!

216
00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:34,217
Amen.

217
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:38,138
Jessi, I loved it. A
few small thoughts...

218
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You sang great. The breath
in here is... it's terrible.

219
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,977
Jessi, mazel tov. I have
to tell you something.

220
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,770
That cantor lady, she...

221
00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:47,939
She's the woman you saw
kissing my mom, isn't she?

222
00:10:48,022 --> 00:10:49,732
Holy shit, she is!

223
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:52,152
Oh, my God, I can't believe it!

224
00:10:52,235 --> 00:10:55,196
Barbara, I lost a
sock in the pews again.

225
00:10:57,615 --> 00:11:00,285
DJ Pendejo coming at you!

226
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:03,163
If you have any music
requests, come talk to me.

227
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:04,747
Do not write them down.

228
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:08,751
And make sure I can see your lips
because I am losing my hearing.

229
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:11,421
This is how you handled it, Greg?

230
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,840
Give me a break. He
said he'd do it for free.

231
00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:15,717
Oh, I don't get paid
by the school either.

232
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:19,804
I'm what's known in the business
world as, uh, a volunteer person.

233
00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:22,140
Who the hell is Malala?

234
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:24,350
She's just this girl
who got shot in the face

235
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:26,352
'cause she read a book
and now she's super famous.

236
00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:28,980
- Lucky Malala.
- That's what they call her.

237
00:11:29,564 --> 00:11:32,901
Diane, I got you a glass of
Pinot gris with two ice cubes,

238
00:11:32,984 --> 00:11:35,778
- just the way you like it.
- Wow. Thank you, Jay.

239
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:37,780
That is so sweet.

240
00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:39,616
Jay, why are you bringing my mom drinks?

241
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,868
Because she rocks. Not that you care.

242
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:43,712
I watch how you treat
her with all the cameras

243
00:11:43,713 --> 00:11:44,871
I hid all over your house.

244
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:47,999
- It's fucked up, bro.
- Just stay away from her, okay?

245
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:51,085
And for the last time, get
rid of the cameras in my house.

246
00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:53,546
Whatever, man. At the end of the night,

247
00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:56,090
we'll see who's seeing
who get tucked in.

248
00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:57,717
- Please.
- He's right.

249
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,303
You don't appreciate your mama.

250
00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:02,305
Do you boys need a yarmulke?

251
00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:05,808
Well, I'll be! It's
Jew Fishman, my agent.

252
00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:08,394
Jew, I want to pitch
a show to Merv Griffin.

253
00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,647
It's called Ghost
Court. I could be the judge.

254
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:14,400
- Do you boys need a yarmulke?
- Jew's gone senile.

255
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:17,487
Jew, can you even remember
the name of my first single?

256
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,656
Do you boys need a yarmulke?

257
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:23,910
Oh, good, he still remembers
some things.

258
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:26,996
Scallops, sir?

259
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,998
Scallops, what are you doing here?

260
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:32,669
- Would you like one?
- Oh. That's a very complicated question.

261
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,421
Marty. It's us, Marty.

262
00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:38,091
- Have a taste.
- You know you love our texture.

263
00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:39,801
Stop that, please, all of you.

264
00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:42,804
I'm married, for chrissakes,
and these are new shoes.

265
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:44,764
- Rockports...
- 9 1/2...

266
00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:48,017
- Extra wide.
- Ooh, that's right.

267
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:51,604
Enough to keep eight packs of
Rolaids in. You know me so well.

268
00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:54,941
Hey, why don't you meet us at
the dumpster after cocktail hour?

269
00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:57,193
- You won't regret it.
- Ohh...

270
00:12:57,276 --> 00:13:01,948
All right, round up the Jews
and make 'em walk in a line.

271
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:06,077
Choo-choo! Get on the train,
Jews, it's time to dance!

272
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,663
You can't hide from the party police.

273
00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:11,708
That's right. I'm looking
at you, Anne Frank table.

274
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:15,461
Why am I oddly offended we're
not being rounded up as well?

275
00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:16,963
I'm just here for the open bar.

276
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:21,050
This is great. Everyone
thinks we're just holding hands

277
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:23,720
when, really, we're holding hands.

278
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:27,724
- I never wanna let go of you.
- Never's a really long time.

279
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,977
- Not when I'm with you.
- Oh, I'm getting dizzy.

280
00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:32,645
It's moving really fast, right?

281
00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:35,648
It's a magical night.
Don't you agree, Connie?

282
00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:38,401
Not now, Maury. I've got my hands full.

283
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,480
Look at her, flaunting her indiscretions

284
00:13:41,481 --> 00:13:43,823
like a pair of diamond earrings.

285
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:47,452
Oh, I'm having so much fun!

286
00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:49,287
Oh. That's nice, sweetie.

287
00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:51,748
Everyone keeps saying
how much we look alike.

288
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,583
Mom, stop it, you're embarrassing me.

289
00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:57,128
Nicky, it's the horah.
Everybody's dancing.

290
00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:59,547
- You can join us if you like.
- I don't want to dance.

291
00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:02,300
Well, then you don't
have to. Come on, honey.

292
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:06,554
Spoiler alert: it's time
to get Jessi on the chair

293
00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:08,473
for the Jewish push-'em-up.

294
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:10,308
Wait, wait, no, please don't.

295
00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:13,144
Aah!

296
00:14:14,437 --> 00:14:15,480
Aaah!

297
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,608
- Huh?
- Open up, jellybean.

298
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,277
- Babe.
- Oh, come on.

299
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:24,197
Jessi, your parents
are very much in love.

300
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,782
You'll just have to get used to that.

301
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,200
Aaah!

302
00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:30,203
Oh, babe, I was gonna watch
a Sublime documentary tonight.

303
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:33,956
It's just one client dinner,
two hours, and can you not... ?

304
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:37,543
You got it. I'll just practice
"Santeria" some other time, then.

305
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:42,507
- My dad was a lemon.
- My dad was a purple.

306
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:44,217
Actually, your dad is a lemon.

307
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:45,802
- Okay, Shannon.
- Okay, Greg.

308
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:49,889
Put me down. Please put me down!

309
00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:54,143
Mazel tov on your boxy dress!

310
00:14:55,645 --> 00:14:58,064
Hey, come on, no one's
in the photo booth.

311
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:02,402
- I feel like I can't breathe.
- I know, me too.

312
00:15:02,485 --> 00:15:05,738
No, really, I feel like maybe
we should go back to the people.

313
00:15:05,822 --> 00:15:08,366
I'm seeing sparkles, and
my stomach is all swirly.

314
00:15:08,449 --> 00:15:09,742
It... it's so exciting.

315
00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:12,995
I can already picture us getting
married and having children

316
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,182
and then they'll get married...

317
00:15:14,183 --> 00:15:15,998
well, not to each
other, to other people.

318
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:17,542
- Oh, life.
- Oh, Lordy.

319
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:21,170
The thing I'm trying to
say is I... I love you.

320
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:24,132
- What?
- I love you...

321
00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:34,559
Sorry, got a little handsy with
Jessi's bubbie on the dance floor.

322
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:37,186
She's ten pounds of
dynamite in a five pound bag.

323
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,564
- What'd I miss?
- I told her I loved her.

324
00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:42,066
Jessi's bubbie? 'Cause
get in line, Larry.

325
00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:44,610
No, I told Missy I loved her.

326
00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:46,529
- Why?
- Because I do.

327
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,865
Who the fuck cares? It's way too soon.

328
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,701
You might be right. She barfed.

329
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:55,246
You idiot! She's a delicate orchid
who needs to be gently misted,

330
00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:58,749
and you unleashed a fire hose
of Monster Energy drink on her.

331
00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:00,960
Which is great for people
but not for orchids.

332
00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:02,503
Take it from this monster.

333
00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:05,047
Are you trying to get sponsored
by Monster Energy drink?

334
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,800
- Stay focused, Andrew. You fucked up.
- I know that.

335
00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:11,387
Monster Energy, brings
out the monster in you.

336
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,303
Brings out the monster... Uh...

337
00:16:13,304 --> 00:16:15,349
Let me just try this one more time here.

338
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:18,352
Brings out the monster in
you! Yeah, nailed it.

339
00:16:18,436 --> 00:16:20,021
Get my agent. Where's Jew Fishman?

340
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,484
Mmm...

341
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:27,653
- What are you doing out here?
- Nothing. I'm doing nothing.

342
00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:29,363
You know I love you, right, Barbara?

343
00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:31,491
Love me? Ugh! Marty, don't be weird.

344
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:36,496
J is for Jessi, the girl everyone loves.

345
00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:39,999
E is for everyone, the
people who love Jessi.

346
00:16:40,082 --> 00:16:44,420
S is for slut. It's what
everyone says Jessi is.

347
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,797
- Lola!
- What?

348
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:51,385
She's rubbing our faces in it,

349
00:16:51,469 --> 00:16:54,597
just like she rubbed her
face in Cantor Dina's...

350
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:59,435
- Okay, okay.
- What? I was gonna say mons pubis.

351
00:17:00,061 --> 00:17:01,646
Mom, I need to talk to you.

352
00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:03,189
- What's wrong, Jessi Bear?
- Now.

353
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:07,610
- I know everything!
- What? What do you mean?

354
00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:10,696
I know you're cheating
on Daddy with Cantor Dina.

355
00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:14,283
Okay, Jessi, let's
just take a deep breath.

356
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:17,203
This whole time, you guys have been... ?

357
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:19,872
What are you? You're,
like, a lesbian now?

358
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:25,670
I don't know. I'm still
figuring things out.

359
00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:27,463
But what about you and Daddy?

360
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:30,675
Your father and I have been
struggling for a long time.

361
00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:33,344
Do you even... do
you even love him anymore?

362
00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:34,804
I don't know.

363
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:38,057
Whoa.

364
00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,560
That's heavy.

365
00:17:40,643 --> 00:17:44,564
Now I can see the family's having
a particularly tense moment,

366
00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:49,151
so it's the perfect time for
a speech from Mom and Dad!

367
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,657
Jessi, you were so amazing today.

368
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:57,243
You really did Eleanor Roosevelt proud.

369
00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:58,411
She did, didn't she?

370
00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:00,413
Shannon, can I see the mic for a second?

371
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:04,333
- Greg, we agreed I would speak.
- Oh, we agreed on a lot of stuff.

372
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,335
Gimme, gimme! Just gimme.

373
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:09,463
- Don't worry, Daddy, I got two mics.
- Oh, Jesus.

374
00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:12,842
Jesus? Not in this house
of worship. Am I right?

375
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:16,596
Honestly, am I right? I... I
don't know the different ones.

376
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:22,727
Jellybean, wow. You've grown up so fast.

377
00:18:22,810 --> 00:18:24,759
It's like one of those Internet videos

378
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:26,939
where they take a picture every day.

379
00:18:27,023 --> 00:18:29,191
A different picture every day,
you show them together real fast,

380
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:31,777
it looks like the guy, like, grows
a beard right in front of you.

381
00:18:31,861 --> 00:18:34,196
- Greg.
- I remember when we brought you home.

382
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,449
We were so happy.

383
00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:38,242
But things are so different now.

384
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:40,995
I mean, not necessarily
worse, but, uh...

385
00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:42,538
What are we talking
about? Yeah, they're worse.

386
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:44,665
Right,
Shannon? You made it worse.

387
00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:47,376
- Greg, please give me the mic.
- It's my turn to talk.

388
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:49,837
- Chill, Greg.
- Don't tell my dad to chill.

389
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:53,090
Yeah, shove it up your
cantor ass, Cantor Dina.

390
00:18:53,174 --> 00:18:55,051
Greg, that is uncalled for.

391
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,678
Can everyone please stop
saying my name like that,

392
00:18:57,762 --> 00:19:01,307
- like... like I'm some kind of maniac?
- Then stop acting like one, Greg!

393
00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:02,725
Oh, boy.

394
00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:06,187
I may not know how to read,

395
00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:10,399
but I do know how to
read a room... Greg.

396
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:13,653
Now it's time to dance
the Electric Slide.

397
00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:17,698
Are we really gonna do the
Electric Slide right now?

398
00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:20,159
I guess. It is a bat mitzvah.

399
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:27,541
♪ Love doesn't last forever ♪
♪ It will die and break your heart ♪

400
00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:31,754
♪ And you can't have a sexual awakening ♪
♪ Without tearing lives apart ♪

401
00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:36,550
♪ Take your mom for granted ♪
♪ And you'll lose her in due time ♪

402
00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:42,348
♪ The only way to dull that pain ♪
♪ Is get stoned out of your mind ♪

403
00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:43,432
♪ Whoo! ♪

404
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:47,019
♪ Life is a fucked up mess ♪
♪ Life is a fucked up mess ♪

405
00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:52,191
♪ Life is a fucked up mess ♪
♪ Oh, it's a shitshow ♪

406
00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:56,696
♪ Never share your feelings ♪
♪ Or life will kick you in the face ♪

407
00:19:56,779 --> 00:20:01,117
♪ Sometimes everything moves so fast ♪
♪ You throw up all over the place ♪

408
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:05,538
♪ Children grow up and abandon you ♪
♪ To die broken and alone ♪

409
00:20:05,621 --> 00:20:11,127
♪ Scallops take you to paradise ♪
♪ But your asshole will atone ♪

410
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:12,253
♪ Whoo! ♪

411
00:20:12,378 --> 00:20:16,632
- ♪ Life is a fucked up mess ♪
- ♪ People are horrible ♪

412
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:20,553
♪ Life is a fucked up mess ♪
♪ Oh, it's a shitshow ♪

413
00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:23,389
- ♪ It's all just heartbreak and misery ♪
- ♪ Life is a fucked up mess ♪

414
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:26,225
- ♪ Life is a fucked up mess ♪
- ♪ No one is truly happy ♪

415
00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:27,893
♪ Life is a fucked up mess ♪

416
00:20:27,977 --> 00:20:30,646
♪ And it doesn't get any better ♪
♪ When you're dead ♪

417
00:20:36,986 --> 00:20:39,572
Go, talk to your mama, Nick.

418
00:20:39,655 --> 00:20:42,324
- You only get one mother.
- Jew Fishman?

419
00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:45,786
The bad news is Jew passed
away during the horah.

420
00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:48,581
The good news is Ghost Court is back on!

421
00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:50,916
We're gonna get Duke
points on the back end.

422
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,668
I'm happy for you guys. I'm...

423
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,420
I'm gonna go talk to my mom.

424
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,006
Jay, I need a minute with my mom.

425
00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:59,842
- Is this guy bothering you, Diane?
- Not at all. This guy's my son.

426
00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:02,720
That's right, and she's my mom.
I'm really lucky to have her.

427
00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:04,972
She's a good mom.
Take care of her, okay?

428
00:21:05,055 --> 00:21:07,183
Okay, Jay, just get lost.

429
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:09,560
Mom, will you please dance with me?

430
00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:11,812
- I would love to, Nick.
- You can call me Nicky.

431
00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:13,856
- Okay, Nicky.
- All right, Diane.

432
00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:16,025
Seriously, cut that shit out.

433
00:21:16,984 --> 00:21:19,278
- What about me?
- Come here, son.

434
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:21,864
- I'll be your mom.
- This is nice.

435
00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:25,034
You're wrong, Jay. It's dynamite.

436
00:21:31,457 --> 00:21:33,417
- Ooh!
- We knew you'd come.

437
00:21:33,501 --> 00:21:36,128
Why don't you slip us inside you?

438
00:21:37,755 --> 00:21:39,882
Oh, my God! What am I doing?

439
00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:41,550
I'm an angrily married man.

440
00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:43,636
- Marty.
- You know you want us.

441
00:21:43,719 --> 00:21:46,096
Damn it! There comes a
time in every man's life

442
00:21:46,180 --> 00:21:49,850
when he must choose between his wife
and guaranteed automatic diarrhea.

443
00:21:49,934 --> 00:21:53,062
- It'll be our secret.
- No one has to know.

444
00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:56,190
I would know, and so would my wife.

445
00:21:56,273 --> 00:21:59,443
Because of the relentless
fecal explosion.

446
00:21:59,527 --> 00:22:03,656
Marty, what are you doing?

447
00:22:03,739 --> 00:22:06,659
What? You've never seen a
hormone monster's Jewish penis

448
00:22:06,742 --> 00:22:08,285
eat dumpster scallops?

449
00:22:08,369 --> 00:22:09,578
Get a life.

450
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:11,956
Give me Malala!

451
00:22:12,039 --> 00:22:15,000
I will kick you in the
pussy, you stupid shit.

452
00:22:15,084 --> 00:22:17,044
At least I still have a pussy.

453
00:22:17,127 --> 00:22:19,421
Maury, we need to talk.

454
00:22:19,505 --> 00:22:21,507
Oh, shit. This is bad.

455
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,717
- Hi, Andrew.
- Hi, Missy.

456
00:22:23,801 --> 00:22:26,637
Listen, um, about what I
said in the photo booth,

457
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:28,180
let's just pretend it didn't happen.

458
00:22:28,264 --> 00:22:31,183
Oh, but it did. We need to face it.

459
00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:33,352
Andrew, you're like sugar to me.

460
00:22:33,435 --> 00:22:36,355
I like you, but every time
I have you, I lose control,

461
00:22:36,438 --> 00:22:38,899
and I... I hate to say it,
but I end up regretting it.

462
00:22:38,983 --> 00:22:41,068
- But, Missy...
- My parents were right.

463
00:22:41,151 --> 00:22:43,529
We need to break up. For real this time.

464
00:22:43,612 --> 00:22:45,197
No, don't say that. We can fix this.

465
00:22:45,281 --> 00:22:47,449
- Connie, please?
- I lost her, Maury.

466
00:22:47,533 --> 00:22:49,368
For, at least, the next few years.

467
00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:52,663
She came in hot, but burned out bright.

468
00:22:52,746 --> 00:22:55,583
Missy, come on, I
don't need to be sugar.

469
00:22:55,666 --> 00:22:57,084
I can be raisins.

470
00:22:57,167 --> 00:23:01,589
Oh, Andrew. Raisins are
chock-full of natural sugar.

471
00:23:01,672 --> 00:23:04,008
I'm sorry, there's no way around it.

472
00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:06,093
You're just too sweet for me.

473
00:23:07,011 --> 00:23:10,556
With all due respect, Connie,
this girl's a little fucking cunt.

474
00:23:10,639 --> 00:23:12,808
And me and the boy are
gonna kill ourselves tonight.

475
00:23:12,891 --> 00:23:16,020
Yeah, I get it. You do you,
Maury. You gotta do you.

476
00:23:16,729 --> 00:23:18,230
Well, Steve, you did it.

477
00:23:18,314 --> 00:23:19,690
I really did, didn't I?

478
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:23,152
You played the wrong music,
constantly referenced the Holocaust,

479
00:23:23,235 --> 00:23:25,529
and you appear to
have killed an old man.

480
00:23:25,613 --> 00:23:26,655
Congratulations.

481
00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:29,408
Thanks, Matthew. That
really means the world.

482
00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:33,037
I truly envy your ability to
bat away every one of my insults.

483
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,830
Right back at you, my dude.

484
00:23:38,083 --> 00:23:40,586
That's not really gonna keep me warm.

485
00:23:40,669 --> 00:23:43,505
Can't you let me do nice
things? God!

486
00:23:43,589 --> 00:23:46,634
- Today sucked.
- Your parents' speech was weird.

487
00:23:46,717 --> 00:23:48,969
- I know. You have no idea.
- I kinda do.

488
00:23:49,053 --> 00:23:52,181
I'm pretty sure my dad cheats
on my mom, like, all the time.

489
00:23:52,264 --> 00:23:54,391
He makes me wait in the
car while he does it.

490
00:23:54,475 --> 00:23:56,518
Oh, Jay, I'm... I'm sorry.

491
00:23:56,602 --> 00:23:58,646
Eh, don't be. Love dies.

492
00:23:58,729 --> 00:24:00,939
Let's bury the body together.

493
00:24:01,023 --> 00:24:03,359
Stop quoting your dad's law commercials.

494
00:24:03,442 --> 00:24:06,028
Kiss him. Kiss him hard on the mouth.

495
00:24:08,906 --> 00:24:12,409
Oh, my God, I can't believe
this is happening again!

496
00:24:12,493 --> 00:24:14,203
Shut up and kiss me.

497
00:24:14,286 --> 00:24:18,248
Now stick your pinkie in his
little toffee-colored tushie.

498
00:24:18,874 --> 00:24:20,292
Okay, I learned my lesson.

499
00:24:20,376 --> 00:24:22,878
You just go at your own pace, bubbale.

500
00:24:27,383 --> 00:24:29,009
- Good night, Nicky.
- Good night, Mom.

501
00:24:31,261 --> 00:24:33,972
- Good night, Jay.
- Good night, Mr. Birch.

502
00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:36,433
I mean, Mom.

503
00:24:37,518 --> 00:24:39,520
- Sour Patch Kid?
- Sure.

504
00:24:39,603 --> 00:24:43,357
- Hey, Dad, you're not a lemon.
- Thanks, jellybean.

505
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,526
You're my best little girl.

506
00:24:55,661 --> 00:24:59,081
Oh, I knew it was too good to be true.

507
00:24:59,164 --> 00:25:01,041
It's worse than I thought.

508
00:25:01,125 --> 00:25:03,711
And I knew it was gonna end badly.

509
00:25:03,794 --> 00:25:07,172
- You did?
- Of course. You're such a fucking dork!

510
00:25:07,256 --> 00:25:10,008
- I know.
- Aww, come here.

511
00:25:20,186 --> 00:25:25,186
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -