1 00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:12,262 As puberty begins, hormones are released 2 00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:14,598 and the sexual organs begin to change. 3 00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:18,977 The uterus is the center of female reproductive activity... 4 00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:22,147 The uterus? I thought girls had vaginas. 5 00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:24,066 I thought that, too, but I guess they don't. 6 00:00:24,149 --> 00:00:26,777 Maybe vagina is, like, slang. 7 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:29,154 Did someone say "vagina"? 8 00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:31,198 - Oh, no, no, no. Not now. - Fuck, yeah, now! 9 00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:34,701 Go away. You are not real. 10 00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:38,121 You're just some hormone monster my brain created. 11 00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:40,666 If I'm not real, then how come I'm sending blood 12 00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:43,252 to your sweet penis right now? 13 00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:46,213 - Come on. - The ovaries release the egg, 14 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:48,382 then travel down the Fallopian tube. 15 00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:51,385 "Fallopian." What a savory word. 16 00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:54,763 Describes exactly what it is, you know what I mean? 17 00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:58,141 Okay, I should tell you, this is school and we need boundaries. 18 00:00:58,225 --> 00:01:01,395 If you want me to go away, you know what you have to do. 19 00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:04,481 - Jerk off... - Jerk off, yeah, yeah, yeah! Exactly. 20 00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:08,235 Let's go to the bathroom and climax into that thin toilet paper. 21 00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:10,862 How come in all these videos 22 00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:14,241 puberty for boys is like the miracle of ejaculation 23 00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:16,994 and for girls we're just a yarn ball of aching tubes? 24 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:19,288 - Ew, that's gross. - Yeah, exactly. 25 00:01:19,371 --> 00:01:20,747 And that's why we need equal pay. 26 00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:23,417 My dad says when you take into account maternity leave, 27 00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:26,837 - you do get equal pay. - Your dad's a scumbag DUI attorney. 28 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,463 Yeah, and he makes bank. 29 00:01:28,547 --> 00:01:31,341 Too bad he can't afford tweezers for that unibrow. 30 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:33,343 - Shut up, Matthew! - Come on, come on, come on! 31 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:34,636 Wheels up in 30 seconds. 32 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,888 Ms. Kazan, can I please go to the bathroom, please? 33 00:01:36,972 --> 00:01:38,640 If you don't get out of here right now, 34 00:01:38,724 --> 00:01:40,684 we're gonna "Jackson Pollack" all over your pants. 35 00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:42,936 - Who? - He's a famous abstract expressionist. 36 00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:44,730 - Oh, my God... - I'll take notes for you, Andrew. 37 00:01:44,813 --> 00:01:46,315 - Thanks, Missy. - Let's go, let's go. 38 00:01:46,398 --> 00:01:47,983 - I'm coming, I'm coming. - Not yet. 39 00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:50,569 That's why we gotta get to the bathroom, sweetheart. 40 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,357 Am I a lucky guy or what? 41 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,234 I've got this beautiful family, a gorgeous home, 42 00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:35,322 the sounds of Duke Ellington... a great African-American American. 43 00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:37,908 Andrew, did you know that Duke Ellington died in this house? 44 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,369 I did, Dr. Birch. This house has rhythm. 45 00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:43,538 That's right. What can I say? I love cocktail facts, 46 00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:46,917 and I also love this woman. 47 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,920 Not only did she prepare a fantastic meal 48 00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:52,506 and birthed three beautiful children... 49 00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:54,758 - no drugs. - Oh, please. Nick slipped right out of me. 50 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,927 - Mom, Andrew's here. - He's family. 51 00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,887 Anyway, he shouldn't be afraid of a vagina. 52 00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:02,849 - Okay, can we be excused? - Once you pay the "snuggle tax." 53 00:03:02,933 --> 00:03:03,975 - Come here. - Come here. 54 00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:05,811 Mom! 55 00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:09,106 - Oh, I could eat you alive. - Can you not do this in front of Andrew? 56 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,441 - You smell like fresh-buttered baby. - Give me a whiff. 57 00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:14,111 - Mom, loosen your grip. - I want to put you back up inside. 58 00:03:14,194 --> 00:03:15,737 Okay, we're going up now. Goodbye. 59 00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:19,032 Love you, Nicholas. Love you. And you, too, Andrew. 60 00:03:19,116 --> 00:03:20,617 Ooh! Ow! Sorry. 61 00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:23,870 What a fantastic best friend. The kid's dynamite. 62 00:03:24,454 --> 00:03:26,039 From the corner! Swish-hh! 63 00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:28,959 Hey, so this, like, dance on Friday, 64 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,545 - I think I'm not gonna go. - Oh, please. Yes, you are. 65 00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:34,798 I'm not gonna ask a girl. I don't need that kind of rejection. 66 00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:37,426 We're gonna go as a group... me, you, Jessi and Jay. 67 00:03:37,509 --> 00:03:41,179 But Jay's been bragging that he's gonna get fingered at the dance. 68 00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:43,306 - What? - He's gonna get fingered. 69 00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:46,059 Okay, first of all, I think he's got that wrong. 70 00:03:46,143 --> 00:03:48,937 Either that or you have grossly misquoted him. 71 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:51,523 And Jay hasn't even kissed a girl, I guarantee it. 72 00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,734 None of us have. Not, you know, with tongue anyway. 73 00:03:53,817 --> 00:03:57,154 Of course, 'cause when you do kiss a girl, to make it official... 74 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,281 - There's gotta be tongue. - Major tongue. 75 00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:01,199 - You want to flick your tongue around. - Ideally. 76 00:04:01,283 --> 00:04:03,702 And you really want to get your tongue underneath hers, too. 77 00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:06,413 Yeah, you want to get in there like a Claritin to just dissolve. 78 00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:07,622 - Yeah. - Yeah. 79 00:04:07,706 --> 00:04:10,333 - We know what we're talking about. - It's nice to talk like men. 80 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:11,626 Yeah. 81 00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:16,882 Ow! It stings. 82 00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:18,633 But it's worth it. 83 00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:24,222 - What are you doing? - Oh, my God! 84 00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:25,140 - Hi. - Hi. 85 00:04:25,223 --> 00:04:27,559 - Don't look. - Of course. I'm not looking at all. 86 00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:29,811 - No! Sorry. - Oh, my God. 87 00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:31,146 - Sorry for what? - I don't know. 88 00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:32,397 I don't know either. 89 00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:39,780 You know, I actually didn't even see anything. 90 00:04:39,863 --> 00:04:43,158 I don't even know what you're talking about. 91 00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:45,076 Okay. Well, good night. 92 00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:51,750 Knock knock. Who's there? It's the Hormone Monster. 93 00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:54,503 No, no, no, you gotta be kidding me. 94 00:04:54,586 --> 00:04:56,838 - Nick is right there, sir. - And? 95 00:04:56,922 --> 00:05:00,133 And I'm a good person. I wouldn't do that laying next to a friend. 96 00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:03,136 - Then why am I here? - Oh, my God, you're always right. 97 00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:05,096 - What the hell is wrong with me? - Nothing. 98 00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:08,266 You're a perfectly normal gross little dirtbag. 99 00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:11,102 Now stare at that cat clock and massage your dinger. 100 00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:13,480 No. Nick's grandmother gave him that clock. 101 00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:15,941 - She knew what she was doing. - Yeah, she did. 102 00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:17,776 - Okay. - Oh... 103 00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:19,444 What a little clock-tease. 104 00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:21,446 Her eyes are darting back and forth, 105 00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:23,532 thinking, "Meow-meow, who's got the cream?" 106 00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:26,201 - Me. I've got the cream. - Yeah. 107 00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:29,663 - Oh, my God. - It's okay. It's okay. 108 00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:32,374 Just picture your dad's associate Susan. 109 00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:34,459 - Oh, Susan. - Mmm... 110 00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:36,836 Susan actually came to the summer outing, 111 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:39,839 and she said that I was really sprouting into a fine young man. 112 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:42,217 That's right. Look at her sinewy arms. 113 00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:44,553 - Susan, show me your top naked. - Yeah. 114 00:05:44,636 --> 00:05:46,680 - Oh, God. - And she's got Fallopian tubes. 115 00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:48,598 Oh, God, okay. 116 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:51,017 So, Susan, um, what's it like 117 00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:52,769 to be in human resources? 118 00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:53,687 Uh... ! 119 00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:55,063 I'm done. 120 00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:59,734 Good night, you prince of Westchester, you king of the tri-state area. 121 00:05:59,818 --> 00:06:03,989 - Wait. What do we do about the mess? - Sleep in it, pig. Mwah. 122 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:11,121 So we're not going to Jay's to play basketball? 123 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,872 No. Um... 124 00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:15,333 it turns out that I have family stuff this weekend. 125 00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:19,879 Oh. Well... this is me. 126 00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:22,382 - I'll see you at school on Monday? - Yeah. 127 00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:25,844 Totally. Uh... have a nice rest of your weekend. 128 00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:29,097 - Thank you. - Um, you're welcome. 129 00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:31,808 - I'll get out on the curb side now. - Yeah, great. 130 00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:33,852 - Traffic side. - Yeah, that's smart. 131 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,605 Bye, Mrs. Birch. 132 00:06:42,319 --> 00:06:45,905 What's going on? I thought Andrew was staying over all weekend. 133 00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:48,241 I just... it's nothing. 134 00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:50,994 - Nick? - Nicholas, we're your parents. 135 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,954 You can tell us anything. 136 00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:54,623 Okay. 137 00:06:54,706 --> 00:06:57,375 Last night, when he was changing... 138 00:06:57,459 --> 00:06:58,835 I saw Andrew's penis. 139 00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:00,587 And now you're worried you're a homosexual? 140 00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:05,550 Nicky, a man can touch another penis or even kiss one, very lightly, 141 00:07:05,634 --> 00:07:08,762 and it still doesn't necessarily mean he's a homosexual. 142 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:11,306 When I was an undergraduate... your mother knows this story... 143 00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:13,266 Dad, I'm not worried I'm gay. 144 00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:16,102 - Honey, it's fine if you are. - It's better. 145 00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:19,022 And by the way, you could do a lot worse than Andrew Glouberman. 146 00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:21,066 It's not that, it's Andrew's... 147 00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:24,235 Andrew's was... was different, 148 00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:27,155 like bigger and hairier. 149 00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:29,491 Sweetheart, Andrew's started to become a man. 150 00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:30,408 That's right. 151 00:07:30,492 --> 00:07:32,202 He's developed secondary sex characteristics. 152 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,954 - He has. - Thicker eyebrows... 153 00:07:34,037 --> 00:07:35,497 - Mm-hmm. - engorged nipples. 154 00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:36,831 - Engorged nipples. - Mom! 155 00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:40,669 His penis is changing, from a boy penis to a man's penis. 156 00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:42,921 - Mom! - And you may, like me, 157 00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:45,173 never have a very big penis. 158 00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:48,635 But if you understand a woman's body, 159 00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:52,180 and more importantly her emotions, it doesn't matter. 160 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:54,182 It's true, Nicky. Before I met your father 161 00:07:54,265 --> 00:07:56,685 I was with some men who were very well-endowed, 162 00:07:56,768 --> 00:08:00,355 - and honestly, it was too much for me... - Okay. 163 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:04,234 - Your father's penis is my glass slipper. - And you're my Cinderella. 164 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:06,569 - Guys, please, stop! - Gimme a break. 165 00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:09,572 I'm sure Andrew and his parents have had very similar conversations. 166 00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,992 Eh... I don't know about that. 167 00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:15,245 And then, you kinda jhoosh it down. 168 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:18,206 Barbara, what are you doing with my last good banana? 169 00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:20,458 Dr. Oz says they need to learn. 170 00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:22,419 Oh, he doesn't need to know anything. 171 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:23,670 - Actually... - Please, the next time 172 00:08:23,753 --> 00:08:27,132 you think you need to know something, Andrew, shut your face! 173 00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:28,883 Now give me the banana. 174 00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:31,011 Jesus, it tastes like condom. 175 00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:32,929 Thanks a lot, Mr. Sex Maniac. 176 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:40,687 - Hey. - How's it going? 177 00:08:40,770 --> 00:08:42,522 - Uh, good. - Oh, okay. 178 00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:44,607 All right, look alive, you little maniacs. 179 00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:48,361 I bet you're all, like, completely distracted by the big dance, 180 00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:50,613 which I happen to be chaperoning. 181 00:08:50,697 --> 00:08:52,073 You know, not a big deal. 182 00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:55,243 I mean, they could have asked anyone, but, you know, I volunteered. 183 00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:57,787 Let's just stop talking about the dance 184 00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,373 and just focus on the fundamentals of basketball. 185 00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:03,209 Oh, man, I hope they play music we like. 186 00:09:03,293 --> 00:09:05,879 Bruh, I can't believe the dance is the same night as the Knicks game. 187 00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:08,465 Yeah, it sucks. Porzingis is awesome, though, right? 188 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,134 Oh, yeah. For a seven-footer, he's got an amazing shot. 189 00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:12,761 Either way they gotta start playing defense. 190 00:09:12,844 --> 00:09:14,596 Oh, yeah, they gotta defend better in the paint. 191 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:15,764 - What? - I said, 192 00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:17,057 they gotta defend better in the paint. 193 00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:18,975 Oh, my God, I'm losing my mind. 194 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,226 ♪ Big dicks! ♪ 195 00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:22,020 ♪ Hoops, hoops, hoops, hoops! ♪ 196 00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:23,813 ♪ Penises playing basketball ♪ 197 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,774 - ♪ Big dicks shootin' hoops ♪ - ♪ Hoops, hoops! ♪ 198 00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:27,692 ♪ Passin', dribblin', bouncin', jigglin' ♪ 199 00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:29,152 ♪ Big dicks on the loose ♪ 200 00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:31,279 - ♪ What? ♪ - No! Get away! Stop it! 201 00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:34,282 What the hell, man? 202 00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:39,370 All right, knock it off, you two. Jeez, Louise. 203 00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:41,289 Who wants to watch me grab rim? 204 00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:43,083 Ooh! 205 00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:45,335 I knocked the wind outta my balls. 206 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,003 Hope I'm okay for the dance. 207 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:51,216 Why would Nick push me? Why is he being so weird? 208 00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:52,926 Who cares? Nick's a baby. 209 00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:55,261 Let's watch the sex scene from Dallas Buyers Club. 210 00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:57,847 Oh, my God, do you think Nick saw me jerking off? 211 00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,891 I told you I shouldn't do it in his room. 212 00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:03,770 Or, here's an idea... maybe he's jealous of what a fucking man you are. 213 00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:05,021 You should kick his ass. 214 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:08,316 Do that curbing thing where you stick his teeth on the edge of a curb 215 00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:10,693 and stomp on the back of his head, what's that called? 216 00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,487 - "Curbing"? - Yeah, that makes sense. 217 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,030 You should curb Nick. 218 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:17,158 Now let's watch McConaughey bang two meth heads at a rodeo, 219 00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:20,286 and try not to think about AIDS. 220 00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:21,830 - Andrew... - Yeah? 221 00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:23,373 I'm thinking about AIDS. 222 00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:27,627 Duke? Duke Ellington? 223 00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,921 Ghost of Duke Ellington, are you up here? 224 00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:33,133 Hey, hey, Nick! 225 00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:34,801 You up here for some advice? 226 00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:37,470 You know, sometimes, it feels like you're the only one I can turn to. 227 00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:40,557 I get it, the living don't always have all the answers. 228 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,933 - Yeah. - Lucky for you, 229 00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:44,727 I'm trapped between two realms. 230 00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:47,647 - So, what's the problem? - Duke, I saw Andrew's penis, 231 00:10:47,730 --> 00:10:50,441 and it was, like, way bigger and hairier than mine. 232 00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:52,652 Happened to me once, too. 233 00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,696 The Cotton Club, 1938. 234 00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:56,990 I saw Charlie Parker's penis in a bathroom, 235 00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,992 and, good Lord, I felt inferior. 236 00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:01,619 I mean, there's a reason they called him "The Bird." 237 00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:02,620 What's the reason? 238 00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:04,497 Because his pubic hair looked like feathers. 239 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,500 - So what'd you do? - I went out 240 00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:10,378 and made sweet love to Eva Gabor. 241 00:11:10,461 --> 00:11:12,797 No shit? 242 00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:15,330 That's right, I balled a white woman 243 00:11:15,331 --> 00:11:17,302 back when it really meant something. 244 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:18,428 So you're saying... 245 00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,763 I'm saying, having a pretty girl on your arm 246 00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:23,057 can make you feel a thousand feet tall. 247 00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:26,144 So I should find the prettiest girl in school and ask her out? 248 00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:30,481 Bingo-bango! "Furry triangle," if you know what I'm saying. 249 00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:33,401 I think I do. Thanks, Duke. 250 00:11:33,484 --> 00:11:35,737 Happy to help, little big guy. 251 00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:38,239 - Shall I play you out? - Yeah, that'd be nice. 252 00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:43,286 ♪ Talkin' about a furry triangle, yeah ♪ 253 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,455 ♪ Furry triangle, baby ♪ 254 00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:50,126 Oh, hey, guys, I just wanted to remind you, 255 00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:53,546 the theme of the dance is "A Night in Ancient Mesopotamia." 256 00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:56,132 We're gonna put the "social" back in social studies. 257 00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:58,176 Missy, do you mind? I'm doing a magic trick. 258 00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:01,471 I love magic! It's like juggling, but it's definitely more confrontational, 259 00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:02,597 that's for sure. 260 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,016 Yeah, it's like one person playing cards at you. 261 00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:06,643 Okay, guys, shut up. 262 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:10,688 Okay, anyway, I think I have something in my mouth. 263 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:14,901 Is this your card? 264 00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:16,611 Wow, Jay! I could barely tell 265 00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:18,070 that you had the card palmed in your hand 266 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,322 when you reached into your mouth. 267 00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,282 - Damn it, Missy! - If it's any consolation, 268 00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:24,827 I literally never gave a shit about this from the beginning, so... 269 00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:26,704 You guys are the fucking worst! 270 00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:29,123 It doesn't get any cooler when you get, like, really angry. 271 00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:32,001 ♪ Talkin' about a furry triangle ♪ 272 00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:34,379 Here we go, Nick. 273 00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:37,048 Whoa. What the hell is he doing? 274 00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:40,134 Hello! Nick's going to talk to the eighth graders. 275 00:12:40,218 --> 00:12:43,471 My God, he's got that Brian Grazer bravery. 276 00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:45,974 - He's a petite, but he'll talk to anyone. - Oh, no. 277 00:12:46,057 --> 00:12:48,059 Those girls are gonna eat him alive, 278 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:49,978 and then barf him out because they're bulimic. 279 00:12:50,061 --> 00:12:51,813 You're fucking funny. She's funny! 280 00:12:51,896 --> 00:12:52,939 We're friends now. 281 00:12:58,069 --> 00:13:00,655 Don't mess this up, don't mess this up. 282 00:13:00,738 --> 00:13:03,366 Play it cool. You've got the chops. 283 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,326 ... travel down the Fallopian tube... 284 00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:09,539 - I want to put you back up inside. - Kiss the penis lightly. 285 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,457 - I knocked the wind out of my balls. - Ugh! 286 00:13:13,042 --> 00:13:15,628 Hey, Olivia, this is like a stupid idea, 287 00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:17,880 but do you wanna, like, go to the dance with me? 288 00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:20,466 Dance? Cute. Yeah. 289 00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:22,677 Oh. Okay, great. 290 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,512 Great. Cute, yeah. 291 00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:26,931 Yeah, cute. Great. 292 00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:28,808 - It's a palindrome. - Yeah. 293 00:13:30,309 --> 00:13:31,144 Okay, bye. 294 00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:32,186 Huh. 295 00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:34,981 I kinda thought we were going to the dance as a group. 296 00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:38,234 That weasel bailed on you. He's such a slippery little shit. 297 00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:39,360 - Hey, guys. - Tell him. 298 00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:42,405 What the hell? You asked Olivia to the dance? 299 00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:43,781 Yeah. What's the big deal? 300 00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:45,199 You said you were going with us. 301 00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:48,786 Yeah, but I mean, it's not like we had definitive plans. 302 00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:52,081 Rage, rage, fucking rage! That's bullshit! 303 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,459 - That's bullshit. - Andrew, dial it down. 304 00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:57,628 - Everybody can see your feelings. - Yeah, you're acting kinda weird. 305 00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,630 I'm not acting weird, you're acting weird. 306 00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:02,008 Dude, I'm allowed to go to the dance with whoever I want. 307 00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,718 It's not like you're my girlfriend or something. 308 00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:06,137 All right, that's it! Let's find a curb 309 00:14:06,220 --> 00:14:08,973 and smash that pretty little smile off his face! 310 00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:10,558 Fuck you. 311 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,813 Fight, fight! Worldstar! 312 00:14:15,897 --> 00:14:17,356 Fight! 313 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:20,193 Exclusive... "Laurel and Farty" are about to fight. 314 00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:24,280 Just... fuck you, man. 315 00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:31,496 I got a card stuck in my windpipe. 316 00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:32,747 Ugh! 317 00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:34,582 - Was that your card? - Nope. 318 00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:35,958 Oh, come on! 319 00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:40,546 Andrew hasn't been over since the night of the penis, 320 00:14:40,630 --> 00:14:42,340 and I think Nicky misses him. 321 00:14:42,423 --> 00:14:44,425 Poor kid. You know, when I was Nicky's age 322 00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:46,427 I had a bald little cashew, 323 00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:50,014 and my friend Don Kinney, he had this great big sausage 324 00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:53,142 nestled in a thick robin's nest of pubic hair. 325 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,144 It was something to behold. 326 00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:58,648 Is Don the one who only got house arrest for insider trading? 327 00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,442 Yeah. The system is so broken. 328 00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:04,946 Oh, Elliot, I love it when you talk about broken institutions. 329 00:15:05,113 --> 00:15:05,947 You like that? 330 00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,990 - Oh, yeah. - Mm-hmm. 331 00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:12,245 Wow, 12 hours and one minute. 332 00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,288 Whew! That was astounding. 333 00:15:14,372 --> 00:15:16,499 Anyway, I think this is something 334 00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:19,085 the boys need to figure out for themselves. 335 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:26,092 Nick the Trick. 336 00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:28,094 - Hey, Duke. - What's wrong, kid? 337 00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:29,637 You nervous about your big date? 338 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,265 I'm honestly more nervous about seeing Andrew. 339 00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:35,393 - He said, "Fuck you" to me yesterday. - Ah! 340 00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:39,730 I regret one fight I had with my saxophonist, Studs Dupree. 341 00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:42,442 - It got pretty ugly. - What happened? Did you guys make up? 342 00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:45,136 Well, I was waiting for him to apologize, 343 00:15:45,137 --> 00:15:47,655 and then he died of a heroin overdose. 344 00:15:47,738 --> 00:15:49,323 Wow. That must have been really tough. 345 00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:52,118 Yeah. I never did get that apology. 346 00:15:57,748 --> 00:15:59,667 - Oh, hi, Missy. - Hey, Andrew. 347 00:15:59,750 --> 00:16:02,920 Oh, actually, just for tonight could you refer to me as "Nanshe"? 348 00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:05,590 The goddess of social justice... 349 00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:07,258 - and also fishing. - That's great. 350 00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:10,303 So should I pay for my ticket in ancient Sumerian silver? 351 00:16:11,596 --> 00:16:13,723 I get it. Mesopotamian silver mines 352 00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:16,851 weren't actually operational until the mid-Bronze Age. 353 00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:18,769 That's a great one. Where's Nick? 354 00:16:18,853 --> 00:16:21,314 I wouldn't know. We decided to come alone. 355 00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:24,609 You know, I find that being alone is actually a great gift 356 00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:28,821 because it prepares you for what real life is, um, is like. 357 00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:30,072 Yeah, I guess. 358 00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:33,618 So, what's the deal after this thing? You guys wanna go get drinks? 359 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:36,078 I don't know, go to Panera, split a bread bowl? 360 00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:37,830 Yeah, no, thanks. 361 00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:40,583 We'll probably just go home and grade papers. 362 00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:43,961 Teachers at this school, you know, they never wanna hang out. 363 00:16:44,045 --> 00:16:46,964 - They're always "so busy." - They're a gaggle of rancid cunts. 364 00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:50,134 Yeah! I mean, that's, you know... pff-fft! That's a little harsh, 365 00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:52,678 but I think we're basically on the same page. 366 00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:54,597 Hey, ladies, you havin' fun? 367 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,600 I think tonight's gonna be pretty... hot! 368 00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:58,559 Oh, my God, what the hell? 369 00:16:58,643 --> 00:17:01,521 Yeah, we're wearing a ton of hairspray, you psycho! 370 00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:03,272 I am not a psycho! 371 00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:06,275 - Well played, Jay. - Look, your butt buddy's here. 372 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:07,193 Oh. 373 00:17:07,276 --> 00:17:09,320 We're not actually butt buddies anymore. 374 00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:12,990 So, like, you've got an opening? I'd love to throw my butt in the ring. 375 00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:15,576 - I don't like going to your house. - Oh, no, I promise, 376 00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,870 my brothers aren't gonna make you poop in a litter box again. 377 00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,792 Good evening, Nicholas. 378 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:25,086 - Good evening, Jessica. - You psyched for your "big date"? 379 00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,713 Yeah, well, Olivia's pretty much the hottest girl in school, 380 00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:30,299 - so... mm, I'm pretty psyched. - Yeah, you should be psyched. 381 00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:33,094 Just be prepared for some super-intellectual conversation. 382 00:17:33,177 --> 00:17:35,513 - Why do you keep looking over at Andrew? - I'm not looking at Andrew, 383 00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:38,057 - I'm excited for my date with Olivia. - Of course, yeah. 384 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:39,369 She's a beautiful complex woman 385 00:17:39,370 --> 00:17:40,977 whose eyes go dead when she applies lip gloss. 386 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,854 - Well, Jessi, this has been so much fun. - Yeah. 387 00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:47,775 But it looks like my super hot eighth-grade date has arrived. 388 00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:49,193 Yeah, I can see her. 389 00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:52,947 Holy shit, Olivia's hot. 390 00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:56,075 I'm gonna pump my pillow full of Jay jizz later thinking about it. 391 00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:58,995 Oh, hey, Olivia. You want to get a drink or something? 392 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,330 I think they have La Croix. It's only the coconut kind, 393 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,082 which is a little gross, but it's still kinda... 394 00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:05,334 No, sorry. Dylan. 395 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:09,005 Oh... who? I thought we were going to this dance, like, together. 396 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:12,300 No, no, no. 397 00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:14,010 Sorry, bro, she wants a real man. 398 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,512 Ninth grade, top of the food chain. 399 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:20,433 Um, actually, sweets and fats are at the top of the food chain. 400 00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:25,229 Oh, poor Nick. He's confusing the food pyramid with the food chain. 401 00:18:25,313 --> 00:18:27,415 Oh, hi, Andrew. Would you perchance 402 00:18:27,416 --> 00:18:29,900 like to celebrate the autumnal equinox 403 00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:33,237 with a, um... with a... with a dance with me? 404 00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:37,074 - Oh, I would, Missy, but... - Hey, are you out of your goddamn mind? 405 00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:40,119 - This is a real girl. - She's not a girl, she's Missy. 406 00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:43,247 Oh, she's a girl, and she wants to dance with you. 407 00:18:43,331 --> 00:18:46,626 - But Nick looks really upset... - Fucking forget about that little Pikachu 408 00:18:46,709 --> 00:18:48,586 and dance with a girl! 409 00:18:48,669 --> 00:18:50,630 - Um, sure, Missy. - Oh, great. 410 00:18:50,713 --> 00:18:53,382 We can just... so we can start now, 'cause I know how to do it. 411 00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,092 I've practiced with my dad. 412 00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:59,680 - Hey, Mr. DJ, you take requests? - No, I do not. 413 00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:02,558 - What about "Lady in Red"? - If I play it, will you leave? 414 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:05,936 Yeah, sure, unless, I don't know, you want me to stick around. 415 00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:07,396 - Nah. - Are you streaming that? 416 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:11,025 What is that, Wi-Fi? They gave you the Wi-Fi password. 417 00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:12,777 Heh. Okay. 418 00:19:16,864 --> 00:19:18,658 - Hi. - Jessi, please, 419 00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:20,868 I don't want to hear "I told you so." 420 00:19:20,951 --> 00:19:23,120 I know, but I want to say it so bad. 421 00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:26,499 Can I just say it one time and you cover your ears? 422 00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:28,042 I told you so! 423 00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:30,544 - Well, I'm glad you feel better. - I do, a little. 424 00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:32,588 - But I feel like I can feel even better... - Uh-huh. 425 00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:33,964 ... if you heard it. 426 00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:37,718 ♪ Lady in red ♪ 427 00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:44,475 ♪ Is dancing with me ♪ 428 00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:45,976 ♪ Cheek to cheek ♪ 429 00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:50,272 I've never danced with a boy before. What am I supposed to say? 430 00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,191 I don't know. That was great. 431 00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:54,151 You're doing great. I think we're both doing great. 432 00:19:54,235 --> 00:19:56,987 Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're both doing great. 433 00:19:57,071 --> 00:20:00,074 Now let's get a little friction going. 434 00:20:00,157 --> 00:20:04,912 ♪ And I hardly know... ♪ 435 00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:05,996 Uh! 436 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:10,084 ♪ This beauty by my side ♪ 437 00:20:11,001 --> 00:20:12,962 ♪ I never will forget... ♪ 438 00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,172 I got a great memory. 439 00:20:15,256 --> 00:20:19,677 ♪ The way you look tonight ♪ 440 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:20,594 Yeah. 441 00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:23,264 I don't know, I guess I thought Olivia liked me. 442 00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:25,015 Really? Olivia only likes jeggings. 443 00:20:25,099 --> 00:20:27,017 I get it, Jessi, I'm an idiot. 444 00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:30,146 No! She's the idiot. You're... 445 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:33,232 you're cute, even though you're tiny. 446 00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:36,527 You're like a troll doll who's figured out his hair. 447 00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,613 Thank you... 448 00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:43,367 What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? 449 00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:45,661 Stick your tongue underneath her tongue... 450 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,246 Pay the snuggle tax. 451 00:20:47,329 --> 00:20:50,332 Can I just get a hint for the Wi-Fi password? 452 00:20:57,131 --> 00:20:59,216 Uh! Tongue. 453 00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:05,806 Oh, yeah, yes, that's it. 454 00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:09,810 Don't be afraid to lead with your groin, the world's slowest hula hoop. 455 00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:11,979 Oh-hh! This is working. 456 00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:13,689 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it easy. 457 00:21:13,773 --> 00:21:15,441 We're 70 yards from the bathroom, brother. 458 00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:16,776 You need to slow it down. 459 00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:18,486 No, can't slow it down, can't slow it down. 460 00:21:18,569 --> 00:21:20,154 Fuck it. If you're okay with it, I'm okay with it. 461 00:21:20,237 --> 00:21:22,364 I'm okay with it. 462 00:21:23,574 --> 00:21:26,285 ♪ Jai ho! ♪ 463 00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:28,704 - Whoa, what's wrong? - Uh... 464 00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:32,458 - I have to go, Missy. - But the dance isn't... oh, darn it. 465 00:21:35,002 --> 00:21:37,296 You have a really big mouth. 466 00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:39,089 Thank you, I think? 467 00:21:39,173 --> 00:21:40,966 The flicking was an interesting choice. 468 00:21:41,050 --> 00:21:43,052 Yeah. Tongues feel weird. 469 00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:44,970 Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. 470 00:21:45,054 --> 00:21:46,514 Oh, my God! 471 00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:50,726 Oh, no! That's the most I've ever made. 472 00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:53,813 Oh, shit, my phone. 473 00:21:53,896 --> 00:21:55,147 Wait, what the... 474 00:21:58,442 --> 00:22:01,529 - Oh, my God, isn't this exciting? - There's no time for excitement. 475 00:22:01,612 --> 00:22:03,739 We gotta find the egg. Where are we, Fallopian tube, uterus? 476 00:22:03,823 --> 00:22:05,574 We're in a pussy right now, right? 477 00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:08,744 Uh... you guys are gonna be really disappointed. 478 00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:11,789 - Are we in another sock? - No, no, no. 479 00:22:11,872 --> 00:22:14,708 - A toilet. - What is wrong with you, Andrew? 480 00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:17,294 - You're completely out of control. - I didn't mean to! 481 00:22:17,378 --> 00:22:20,840 This girl asked me to slow dance, and I got all tingly and lightheaded. 482 00:22:20,923 --> 00:22:22,967 Hey, jizz pants, there's your stupid phone. 483 00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:24,885 - Oh, thank God. - There is no God. 484 00:22:24,969 --> 00:22:27,513 Come on, let's swim to that giant brown rock. 485 00:22:27,596 --> 00:22:30,849 Not to sound gay, but I miss the balls. 486 00:22:31,058 --> 00:22:35,062 Ahem. Yeah, I guess I should probably go check on Andrew. 487 00:22:35,145 --> 00:22:37,273 Yeah, no, I think that's like a good idea. 488 00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:39,692 Yeah, but thank you for the... 489 00:22:39,775 --> 00:22:41,610 - Sure, no problem. - Ahem. 490 00:22:41,694 --> 00:22:44,655 - Good night, milady. - Good evening, good sir. 491 00:22:45,781 --> 00:22:47,241 Oh, boy. 492 00:22:50,869 --> 00:22:52,413 What happened to you? 493 00:22:52,496 --> 00:22:53,914 I came in my pants. 494 00:22:53,998 --> 00:22:55,916 And that made you soaking wet? 495 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,669 - Why are you being so mean to me? - What are you talking about? 496 00:22:58,752 --> 00:23:02,006 You've been mean to me all week. What did I do? 497 00:23:02,089 --> 00:23:04,341 You didn't do anything! I... 498 00:23:04,425 --> 00:23:06,885 I saw your... 499 00:23:06,969 --> 00:23:10,264 - and it was big and hairy. - Yeah, so? 500 00:23:10,347 --> 00:23:13,809 And mine isn't, and I don't know if it ever will be. 501 00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:16,854 Well, count your blessings. Mine's not so great either. 502 00:23:16,937 --> 00:23:21,191 Mine just made me jizz in my nice pants. 503 00:23:21,275 --> 00:23:22,735 It's embarrassing. 504 00:23:22,818 --> 00:23:24,570 Everything's embarrassing. 505 00:23:24,653 --> 00:23:27,406 Everything is so embarrassing. 506 00:23:27,489 --> 00:23:30,326 - My pants are in the toilet. - Oh, man. 507 00:23:30,409 --> 00:23:32,620 Andrew, why didn't you wash them in the sink? 508 00:23:32,703 --> 00:23:34,955 That is a great question, Nick. 509 00:23:35,039 --> 00:23:39,001 It's because I panicked. What am I gonna do? 510 00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:52,306 Nick and Andrew, you're friends again. Nick's pants are gone. 511 00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:54,808 The teachers look poor. What the fuck is going on? 512 00:23:54,892 --> 00:23:57,853 Well, Matthew, it's been a great night in ancient Mesopotamia... 513 00:23:57,936 --> 00:24:01,607 Boring! Nick, we heard you kissed Jessi in the hallway. 514 00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:03,901 Uh, Jessi and I would appreciate 515 00:24:03,902 --> 00:24:06,695 that you respect our privacy at this time. 516 00:24:06,779 --> 00:24:08,322 Sounds like he fingered her. 517 00:24:08,405 --> 00:24:10,449 Join us tomorrow when we find out Coach Steve 518 00:24:10,532 --> 00:24:12,743 lives in a joke of an apartment near the airport. 519 00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:16,455 LaGuardia, and, technically, I live in a storage unit, so... 520 00:24:20,834 --> 00:24:22,961 - Hello? - Oh, uh, good evening. 521 00:24:23,045 --> 00:24:24,797 - Who are you? - Don't worry about it. 522 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,883 I'm just here to give your friend a nocturnal emission. 523 00:24:31,428 --> 00:24:33,013 Are you the puberty fairy? 524 00:24:33,097 --> 00:24:36,100 - The fuck did you just call me?! - The puberty fairy? 525 00:24:36,183 --> 00:24:39,103 "Puberty fairy"? I'm the Hormone Monster. 526 00:24:39,186 --> 00:24:40,479 I'm not a fairy. 527 00:24:40,562 --> 00:24:43,774 I mean, sure, I fuck around with dudes but I'm not a fairy. 560 00:24:45,777 --> 00:24:50,777 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -