1 00:00:08,625 --> 00:00:10,541 What do you mean say the question out loud? 2 00:00:10,625 --> 00:00:13,416 Oh, how do I feel about graduating middle school? 3 00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:14,791 Not too shabby. 4 00:00:14,875 --> 00:00:18,375 I leave here with a vague understanding of photosynthesis 5 00:00:18,458 --> 00:00:20,125 and the respect of my peers. 6 00:00:20,208 --> 00:00:22,750 {\an8}[Caleb] Have you seen your superlative in the yearbook? 7 00:00:22,833 --> 00:00:24,583 {\an8}Oh, not yet. What did I get? 8 00:00:24,666 --> 00:00:27,666 {\an8}"Class Clown"? "Biggest Flirt"? [purrs] 9 00:00:27,750 --> 00:00:28,583 {\an8}[Caleb] You did not. 10 00:00:28,666 --> 00:00:30,541 {\an8}I'm the "Grossest Human"? 11 00:00:30,625 --> 00:00:33,541 {\an8}It doesn't even say "in the class." It just says "Grossest Human." 12 00:00:33,625 --> 00:00:35,226 {\an8}- [Caleb] The people have voted. - [groans] 13 00:00:35,250 --> 00:00:39,083 They sure have, and it's unanimous. Andrew's incredibly gross. 14 00:00:39,166 --> 00:00:43,041 Stay tuned throughout the week for more parting words from the class of 2023. 15 00:00:43,125 --> 00:00:47,083 And don't forget, our final show will be live from graduation 16 00:00:47,166 --> 00:00:48,916 in our un-air-conditioned gym. 17 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:53,166 - The temperature will be 96 degrees. - So please wear deodorant. 18 00:00:53,250 --> 00:00:56,000 And none of that Tom's of Maine shit, people. 19 00:00:56,083 --> 00:00:58,000 Put some aluminum on your armpits! 20 00:00:58,083 --> 00:01:00,208 {\an8}["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays] 21 00:01:00,291 --> 00:01:05,833 {\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪ 22 00:01:09,750 --> 00:01:15,458 {\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪ 23 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:16,833 {\an8}♪ Oh ♪ 24 00:01:16,916 --> 00:01:18,208 {\an8}♪ In my life ♪ 25 00:01:19,625 --> 00:01:22,583 {\an8}♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪ 26 00:01:27,500 --> 00:01:28,500 [songs fades] 27 00:01:32,083 --> 00:01:33,291 Nicholas. 28 00:01:33,375 --> 00:01:36,458 Uh-oh, they're using your Santa Claus name. 29 00:01:36,541 --> 00:01:37,875 This sounds serious. 30 00:01:37,958 --> 00:01:39,291 Parents, look, I get it. 31 00:01:39,375 --> 00:01:42,250 {\an8}I really messed up sneaking into the city and taking shrooms, 32 00:01:42,333 --> 00:01:44,333 {\an8}and there should be consequences. 33 00:01:44,416 --> 00:01:46,291 {\an8}Oh, we completely agree. 34 00:01:46,375 --> 00:01:49,208 So what are we thinking? Ground me a week, but after three days, 35 00:01:49,291 --> 00:01:51,708 you give up and let me do whatever the fuck I want? 36 00:01:51,791 --> 00:01:54,375 - That sounds tough but fair. - Nice try. 37 00:01:54,458 --> 00:01:57,750 Young man, you're heading down a path that reminds us of Judd. 38 00:01:57,833 --> 00:01:59,750 And there can only be one Judd, 39 00:01:59,833 --> 00:02:02,333 or eternal darkness will consume the Earth. 40 00:02:02,416 --> 00:02:05,208 So we're thinking next year, you need a fresh start 41 00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:06,750 at Cobblestones Academy. 42 00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:09,375 That snobby private school? No way! 43 00:02:09,458 --> 00:02:11,500 - We called them, told them our net worth... - What? 44 00:02:11,583 --> 00:02:13,375 - ...and you're visiting today. - No. 45 00:02:13,458 --> 00:02:15,541 And I promise you, you're gonna love it. 46 00:02:15,625 --> 00:02:19,291 No, I'm gonna hate it! I wanna go to high school with my friends. 47 00:02:19,375 --> 00:02:23,708 Yeah! We wanna be with Stan and Cartman and Towelie! 48 00:02:23,791 --> 00:02:25,458 This is bullshit! 49 00:02:25,541 --> 00:02:29,083 It's true I've kissed my fair share of slimy frogs in middle school, 50 00:02:29,166 --> 00:02:32,791 but I finally met my prince, Elijah. 51 00:02:32,875 --> 00:02:35,625 With him by my side, there's nothing I can't handle. 52 00:02:35,708 --> 00:02:38,500 Except maybe if we had a kid and it drowned. 53 00:02:38,583 --> 00:02:40,833 I can't see us coming back from that. 54 00:02:40,916 --> 00:02:42,583 Is that too dark? 55 00:02:42,666 --> 00:02:45,083 - [Caleb] Yes. - Yeah, okay, fair. That's fair. 56 00:02:45,166 --> 00:02:46,083 [device chimes] 57 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,541 Ooh, a new email! 58 00:02:47,625 --> 00:02:50,500 Maybe it's a summary of all your Venmo transactions. 59 00:02:50,583 --> 00:02:53,458 I hope it's a foreign prince asking for money. 60 00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:55,333 - I love being needed. - [gasps] 61 00:02:55,416 --> 00:02:57,875 It's from Duboise Christian School for Christian Boys. 62 00:02:57,958 --> 00:03:01,583 Uh, didn't Duboise put my boy on da waitlist? 63 00:03:01,666 --> 00:03:05,166 - Yeah, behind all da other boys. - Well, open it. 64 00:03:05,250 --> 00:03:09,166 "Dear Elijah, due to one of our students discovering there is no God, 65 00:03:09,250 --> 00:03:13,666 a spot in the freshmen class has opened, and we'd like to offer it to you." 66 00:03:13,750 --> 00:03:16,625 - I got in! - Yes! I'm gonna shit my pants! 67 00:03:16,708 --> 00:03:19,000 Da boys are going to Duboise! 68 00:03:19,083 --> 00:03:22,083 - Oh no, but what about Missy? - Da girl? 69 00:03:22,166 --> 00:03:24,916 Yeah. I promised her we'd be a team next year. 70 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,291 - How do I tell her? - O-Okay, hear me out. 71 00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:29,833 You have a kid, it drowns, 72 00:03:29,916 --> 00:03:34,625 and then Duboise seems like small potatoes compared to da trauma. 73 00:03:34,708 --> 00:03:35,541 [sighs] 74 00:03:35,625 --> 00:03:38,791 Yeah, pretty stoked I got voted "Sexiest Child." 75 00:03:38,875 --> 00:03:42,166 I'm a hot kid with no point of view, so, yeah, it feels deserved. 76 00:03:42,250 --> 00:03:44,208 Congratulations, Charles Lu. 77 00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:47,083 Wishing you the best for the rest of your sexy childhood. 78 00:03:47,166 --> 00:03:48,916 And... we're clear. 79 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,791 [sighs] Can you believe we only have one show left? 80 00:03:51,875 --> 00:03:56,833 Until next year, when we will have 144 morning shows, 81 00:03:56,916 --> 00:03:58,833 assuming there are no snow days. 82 00:03:58,916 --> 00:04:02,083 Oh, Cay-Cay, I'm not doing the morning show in high school. 83 00:04:02,166 --> 00:04:04,333 I have to save my precious voice for the... 84 00:04:04,416 --> 00:04:07,041 ♪ Bridgeton High Quee-Choi ♪ 85 00:04:07,125 --> 00:04:09,583 - Okay. - Plus, I've said all I have to say. 86 00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:13,375 I don't want to overstay my welcome like The Office after Steve Carell left. 87 00:04:13,458 --> 00:04:14,583 I said okay! 88 00:04:14,666 --> 00:04:16,416 [grunting] 89 00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:19,541 Yikes! I guess some people really love The Office. 90 00:04:19,625 --> 00:04:22,625 - [school bell rings] - Hi, Ali. Will you sign my yearbook? 91 00:04:22,708 --> 00:04:28,125 Sure. "You look like a Mario Brother, and I'm gonna miss you next year." 92 00:04:28,208 --> 00:04:31,583 - How come you're gonna miss me? - Um, because we're graduating? 93 00:04:31,666 --> 00:04:35,125 Oh yeah, me too. Yeah, I'm also graduating. 94 00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:37,666 Um, you're definitely not, Coach Steve. 95 00:04:37,750 --> 00:04:39,750 Yeah, I don't know what's going on. 96 00:04:39,833 --> 00:04:41,875 But hey, as long as nothing changes 97 00:04:41,958 --> 00:04:44,250 and all my friends stay right here with me, 98 00:04:44,333 --> 00:04:46,208 I'll totally be graduating. 99 00:04:46,291 --> 00:04:48,208 {\an8}- Oh boy. - This is humiliating. 100 00:04:48,291 --> 00:04:51,125 {\an8}I cannot believe my legacy is gonna be "Grossest Human." 101 00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:52,541 {\an8}I think it's a compliment. 102 00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:56,250 {\an8}You're the GOAT, Andrew, the Grossest of All Time. 103 00:04:56,333 --> 00:04:58,750 No, this is not how I shall be remembered. 104 00:04:58,833 --> 00:05:01,916 I shall go person-to-person, apologize profusely, 105 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,291 and then, years from now, 106 00:05:03,375 --> 00:05:06,166 everyone will remember the redemption story 107 00:05:06,250 --> 00:05:07,791 of the good boy Andrew. 108 00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:10,125 - Are you sure? - Ooh, I'll apologize to Jessi. 109 00:05:10,208 --> 00:05:11,625 - Jessi? - Hey, Andrew. 110 00:05:11,708 --> 00:05:16,125 I would like to apologize profusely for, how do I put this delicately, 111 00:05:16,208 --> 00:05:18,666 just two-handing my schlong 112 00:05:18,750 --> 00:05:21,625 while picturing you biting your lip in that red bra. 113 00:05:21,708 --> 00:05:23,625 Ew. Uh, I didn't know you did that. 114 00:05:23,708 --> 00:05:25,041 Well, I did do that, 115 00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:28,875 and for that, and all my other unsavory shenanigans, mea culpa. 116 00:05:28,958 --> 00:05:30,583 - Okay. - I have made amends. 117 00:05:30,666 --> 00:05:32,916 Go forth and tell others I am no longer gross. 118 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,833 - Wait, is this about the yearbook? - The "smear book," I call it. 119 00:05:35,916 --> 00:05:38,666 [scoffs] Who cares what all these assholes think? 120 00:05:38,750 --> 00:05:40,333 After tomorrow, we're out of here. 121 00:05:40,416 --> 00:05:44,333 Yeah, fuck this place! It smells like a straight man's butt hole. 122 00:05:44,416 --> 00:05:47,000 - [Jay] Gah! - Jay! Hi. Got a second for me to grovel? 123 00:05:47,083 --> 00:05:49,166 [grunts] I can't talk right now, Andrew. 124 00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:51,916 I gotta study for my bio final so I can graduate. 125 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:56,458 Did you know that humans don't lay eggs? Ladies poop out entire people! 126 00:05:56,541 --> 00:05:59,291 All right, I'm gonna count that as an apology. Who else? 127 00:05:59,375 --> 00:06:02,375 Of course, there's the little guy. You know, your "school husband." 128 00:06:02,458 --> 00:06:06,250 - You know, I haven't seen Nick all day. - So much to apologize for though. 129 00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:07,625 Oof, should I make a list? 130 00:06:07,708 --> 00:06:10,875 It might be easier if you make a list of things you haven't done. 131 00:06:10,958 --> 00:06:14,458 - You haven't fucked his dog, right? - No. Though he doesn't have a dog. 132 00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:18,083 Great. "Hasn't fucked little guy's dog." 133 00:06:19,666 --> 00:06:20,875 Okay, everybody, 134 00:06:20,958 --> 00:06:23,791 we have a prospective student joining us today. 135 00:06:23,875 --> 00:06:27,208 Let's have some big Cobblestones snaps for Nick Birch. 136 00:06:27,291 --> 00:06:29,017 - [students snap fingers] - No snaps, please. 137 00:06:29,041 --> 00:06:31,375 I'm just humoring my parents. I am not coming here. 138 00:06:31,458 --> 00:06:35,375 Well, you do you, 'cause that's our whole philosophy here at Cobblestones. 139 00:06:35,458 --> 00:06:38,083 - [students snap fingers] - Okay, again, don't need to know that. 140 00:06:38,166 --> 00:06:39,750 Not gonna go here. Okay. 141 00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:41,708 [whispers] Hey, new kid. Over here. 142 00:06:41,791 --> 00:06:44,291 Put a cannoli in my holey. 143 00:06:44,375 --> 00:06:47,166 That girl's even prettier than your mommy. 144 00:06:47,250 --> 00:06:48,750 Sorry, are you talking to me? 145 00:06:48,833 --> 00:06:51,625 [scoffs] Yeah, hon. Do me a fave and grab that girl's phone for me. 146 00:06:51,708 --> 00:06:54,041 Oh, I, uh... I don't think... 147 00:06:54,125 --> 00:06:58,083 Don't worry, she's my bestie. I'm just doing a little prank on her. 148 00:06:58,166 --> 00:07:01,791 Oh, well, I'm actually a bit of an impractical joker myself. 149 00:07:01,875 --> 00:07:03,791 Oh, cute. So you'll help me out, babe? 150 00:07:03,875 --> 00:07:05,500 She called you babe. 151 00:07:05,583 --> 00:07:09,666 That'll do, pig. Oinky, oinky. 152 00:07:09,750 --> 00:07:13,208 Oh, dang, my pencil. You know I gotta pick that up. 153 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,083 Nicely done. 154 00:07:16,166 --> 00:07:19,708 Excuse me, the visitor kid needs to piss. Shall I show him where the bathroom is? 155 00:07:19,791 --> 00:07:21,458 - Great initiative, Danni. - Come on. 156 00:07:21,541 --> 00:07:23,791 - Oh! All right, Danni. - [students snap fingers] 157 00:07:25,125 --> 00:07:28,333 [sighs] I'm really gonna miss you when you're at Bible Camp this summer. 158 00:07:28,416 --> 00:07:30,458 [nervous chuckle] Yeah. Yeah, me too. 159 00:07:30,541 --> 00:07:32,208 Well, she's really gonna miss you 160 00:07:32,291 --> 00:07:34,708 when she finds out you're not going to high school together! 161 00:07:34,791 --> 00:07:36,625 Elijah, you gotta just blurt it out, 162 00:07:36,708 --> 00:07:39,291 and before she can say anything, pretend you get a phone call. 163 00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:40,208 Okay. 164 00:07:40,291 --> 00:07:43,583 Hey, I got off the waitlist at Duboise Christian School for Christian Boys, 165 00:07:43,666 --> 00:07:45,392 - and I'm not going to Bridgeton High. - What? 166 00:07:45,416 --> 00:07:47,958 Oh, I gotta take this. Hello, this is Elijah. You found me. 167 00:07:48,041 --> 00:07:50,041 But he was supposed to be our security blanket. 168 00:07:50,125 --> 00:07:52,041 Are you crudding kidding me, Elijah? 169 00:07:52,125 --> 00:07:53,541 Oh shit, she's mad. 170 00:07:53,625 --> 00:07:54,958 Damn right she's mad. 171 00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:56,416 You two better fix this 172 00:07:56,500 --> 00:07:59,541 before I rip off your dick and shove it up Joe's asshole. 173 00:07:59,625 --> 00:08:01,666 Hmm. Seems like a good deal for old Joe. 174 00:08:01,750 --> 00:08:05,375 I know this wasn't our plan, but we can still be together. 175 00:08:05,458 --> 00:08:08,750 How?! Duboise is like four Starbucks away from here! 176 00:08:08,833 --> 00:08:12,333 We could hang out after school. We could do our homework together. 177 00:08:12,416 --> 00:08:14,500 - Every day. - Really? Every day? 178 00:08:14,583 --> 00:08:17,541 And, um, on the weekends, we... we could have picnics. 179 00:08:17,625 --> 00:08:19,958 I do love eating where dogs shit. 180 00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:24,041 And maybe we could even write each other long romantic letters? 181 00:08:24,125 --> 00:08:26,708 "Dear Missy, I know we can make this work." 182 00:08:26,791 --> 00:08:29,083 "Dear Elijah, it's already working." 183 00:08:29,166 --> 00:08:32,750 "Dear Evan Hansen, what does your dick look like, mm?" 184 00:08:32,833 --> 00:08:35,291 Honestly, I'm worried I'm never gonna graduate 185 00:08:35,375 --> 00:08:37,208 and everyone will leave me behind. 186 00:08:37,291 --> 00:08:38,916 Who am I gonna be friends with then? 187 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:42,833 That ugly little shit-eater over there with the rock-solid bod? 188 00:08:42,916 --> 00:08:45,291 Hey, what the fuck are you looking at, asshole? 189 00:08:45,375 --> 00:08:47,416 [Caleb] You are talking to your own reflection. 190 00:08:47,500 --> 00:08:49,416 Don't you fucking point at me. 191 00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:52,333 Ugh, can you believe I ever lusted after that rabid mutt? 192 00:08:52,416 --> 00:08:55,875 I do not want to talk shit with you. Let's finish our work. 193 00:08:55,958 --> 00:08:57,958 Okay, I was just making conversation. 194 00:08:58,041 --> 00:09:01,083 Why? I thought you've said all you have to say. 195 00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:04,208 - Caleb, are you upset with me? - Yes, I am. 196 00:09:04,291 --> 00:09:06,531 Is it about me not doing the morning show in high school? 197 00:09:06,583 --> 00:09:07,416 Yes. 198 00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:11,333 So what? Am I supposed to do something I don't want to just to keep you company? 199 00:09:11,416 --> 00:09:13,708 - Yes. - You stop copying me! 200 00:09:13,791 --> 00:09:17,000 Fuck you, man! No, fuck you, man! No, let me talk! 201 00:09:17,083 --> 00:09:18,583 {\an8}[breezy jazz music plays] 202 00:09:18,666 --> 00:09:19,708 Okay, give it to me. 203 00:09:19,791 --> 00:09:23,500 Whoa, Danni, "Give it to you"? Take me out to dinner first, huh? 204 00:09:23,583 --> 00:09:26,916 Oh. Well, I'm sorry. Pretty please, Short King? 205 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,750 Rick, did you hear that? She called me a short king. 206 00:09:29,833 --> 00:09:32,500 Congratulations, Your Tiny Majesty. 207 00:09:32,583 --> 00:09:33,750 [mimics playing fanfare] 208 00:09:33,833 --> 00:09:36,208 - Can I please have the phone now? - Yeah, okay. 209 00:09:36,291 --> 00:09:38,416 One stolen cell phone, milady. 210 00:09:38,500 --> 00:09:40,791 Oh, merci beaucoup. 211 00:09:40,875 --> 00:09:41,958 Oh. 212 00:09:42,458 --> 00:09:45,625 Yes! I'm in. She still uses her birthday. Dumbass. 213 00:09:45,708 --> 00:09:47,666 So, uh, what's the prank? 214 00:09:47,750 --> 00:09:49,458 I'm sending a text to myself from her phone 215 00:09:49,541 --> 00:09:51,061 so it looks like she's threatening me. 216 00:09:51,125 --> 00:09:52,625 - [chuckles] - Okay. 217 00:09:52,708 --> 00:09:56,416 "Danni, I'm going to squeeze every last breath... 218 00:09:56,500 --> 00:09:58,791 - [Nick] Oh. - ...out of your fugly bitch body, 219 00:09:58,875 --> 00:09:59,916 you dead cunt." 220 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,541 Oh-ho! "Dead cunt." 221 00:10:01,625 --> 00:10:04,666 I don't think I, uh... I don't think I get the joke. 222 00:10:04,750 --> 00:10:06,458 Well, Theresa was my bestie, 223 00:10:06,541 --> 00:10:09,333 but now she's hooking up with the guy I've been hooking up with. 224 00:10:09,416 --> 00:10:11,083 Ugh. This asshole, Travis. 225 00:10:11,166 --> 00:10:12,541 Fucking Travis. 226 00:10:12,625 --> 00:10:14,875 So obviously, I have to get Theresa expelled now. 227 00:10:14,958 --> 00:10:17,458 This seems crazy, right? Why am I still going along with this? 228 00:10:17,541 --> 00:10:19,541 Because she's hot and naughty, 229 00:10:19,625 --> 00:10:23,791 and being naughty makes your sad little pecker hard and purple. 230 00:10:23,875 --> 00:10:24,916 It really does. 231 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:26,541 [chuckles] I'm sorry. 232 00:10:26,625 --> 00:10:29,541 Are people actually saying they're gonna miss middle school? 233 00:10:29,625 --> 00:10:31,333 That's borderline psychotic. 234 00:10:31,416 --> 00:10:34,250 Middle school is famously the worst time of your life. 235 00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:36,458 That's the whole show. That's what we're doing. 236 00:10:36,541 --> 00:10:38,833 [Caleb] Please do not break the fourth wall. 237 00:10:38,916 --> 00:10:40,833 We just had it repaired. 238 00:10:40,916 --> 00:10:43,750 {\an8}[Matthew] Ugh, Caleb is being totally unreasonable. 239 00:10:43,833 --> 00:10:46,875 I mean, he wants me to do his thing just to make him happy? 240 00:10:46,958 --> 00:10:50,583 - What are we, a straight couple? - [scoffs] No, but you are friends. 241 00:10:50,666 --> 00:10:51,500 I guess. 242 00:10:51,583 --> 00:10:54,416 Oh, come on. Remember your birthday? 243 00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:56,666 He got you that Cameo from the Selling Sunset lady. 244 00:10:56,750 --> 00:10:59,166 Uh, Mary Fitzgerald. Yeah, Jessi, she has a name. 245 00:10:59,250 --> 00:11:00,708 My point is, 246 00:11:00,791 --> 00:11:04,666 while you weren't paying attention, you might've become Caleb's best friend. 247 00:11:04,750 --> 00:11:06,416 Oh. Whoa. 248 00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:09,916 - Lars, hi. Feel my hand. It's Andrew. - Leave me alone. 249 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:13,541 I get it. You're still mad at me for pulling you out of your wheelchair 250 00:11:13,625 --> 00:11:14,875 and demanding you walk. 251 00:11:14,958 --> 00:11:15,958 But great news, 252 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,666 I apologize for that, so I'm not gross. 253 00:11:18,750 --> 00:11:21,166 - Choke on shit, Glouberman. - Yours or mine? 254 00:11:21,250 --> 00:11:22,541 I'm open to either. 255 00:11:22,625 --> 00:11:24,125 I'll be your toilet boy. 256 00:11:24,208 --> 00:11:26,208 Just tell people I'm not gross. 257 00:11:26,291 --> 00:11:27,791 {\an8}[bell tolls] 258 00:11:27,875 --> 00:11:32,083 [sobbing] I can't believe anyone would threaten my life like this. 259 00:11:32,166 --> 00:11:35,833 I didn't send those texts. Who even says "fugly"? 260 00:11:35,916 --> 00:11:38,083 You can see her number right there. 261 00:11:38,166 --> 00:11:39,791 Don't gaslight me, Theresa! 262 00:11:39,875 --> 00:11:42,875 Whoa, dude, she's amazing. I, like, almost believe her. 263 00:11:42,958 --> 00:11:44,375 Believe women, 264 00:11:44,458 --> 00:11:47,208 especially when they're super-duper pretty. 265 00:11:47,291 --> 00:11:49,041 {\an8}Is this your number, Theresa? 266 00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:51,833 - Yes, but I didn't send that. - Then let's see your phone! 267 00:11:51,916 --> 00:11:55,333 - I don't know where it is. I lost it. - Oh, well, that's convenient. 268 00:11:55,416 --> 00:11:57,208 You send me violent messages, 269 00:11:57,291 --> 00:11:59,541 you make threatening gestures to me in the hallway... 270 00:11:59,625 --> 00:12:01,333 Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's a lie. 271 00:12:01,416 --> 00:12:03,583 The visitor kid saw it. Tell them, Nick. 272 00:12:03,666 --> 00:12:05,125 {\an8}Is that true, Nick? 273 00:12:05,208 --> 00:12:08,250 Uh, yes. I saw it. Mm-hmm. For sure. 274 00:12:08,333 --> 00:12:10,750 - Sorry, who the fuck is this kid? - He's an ally. 275 00:12:10,833 --> 00:12:13,083 Well, I do my best. Believe women, et cetera. 276 00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:15,708 Theresa, you know we don't tolerate 277 00:12:15,791 --> 00:12:18,458 - this kind of behavior at Cobblestones. - [snaps fingers] 278 00:12:18,541 --> 00:12:21,541 You'll need to attend anti-bullying workshops this summer 279 00:12:21,625 --> 00:12:23,250 if you wish to return in the fall. 280 00:12:23,333 --> 00:12:26,666 For what it's worth, I forgive you, Theresa. 281 00:12:26,750 --> 00:12:29,666 - I hope you learn from this. - Are you kidding me?! 282 00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:30,625 [grunts] 283 00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:33,125 - Oh my God, Rick, I think I'm in love. - [door slams] 284 00:12:33,208 --> 00:12:38,625 Me too. That headmaster really knows how to lay down the law. 285 00:12:38,708 --> 00:12:40,291 Learn! Learn! 286 00:12:40,375 --> 00:12:45,125 {\an8}Jay! My best friend who is a child. Will you sign my yearsbook? 287 00:12:45,208 --> 00:12:46,375 {\an8}Uh, not now, Steve. 288 00:12:46,458 --> 00:12:49,416 {\an8}I gotta study for my bio final so I can graduate. 289 00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:54,500 {\an8}Oh sure. You're graduating, Ali's graduating, I'm graduating. 290 00:12:54,583 --> 00:12:57,041 {\an8}Quick question, what's graduating? 291 00:12:57,125 --> 00:13:00,416 {\an8}Oh, wow. How do I explain graduation? 292 00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:04,750 {\an8}Can you do a drawing or hide it in a spoonful of peanut butter? 293 00:13:04,833 --> 00:13:08,125 Ooh, okay. So it's kinda like the Knicks... 294 00:13:08,208 --> 00:13:11,166 - Cool. - ...and us kids, we're like Patrick Ewing... 295 00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:12,166 My former boss. 296 00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:14,208 - ...John Starks... - Inconsistent. 297 00:13:14,291 --> 00:13:16,291 - ...and all those other players. - Awesome. 298 00:13:16,375 --> 00:13:18,958 Can I be Marv Albert without the tushy biting? 299 00:13:19,041 --> 00:13:20,250 What? No. No, no, no. 300 00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,833 - You're the coach, Jeff Van Gundy. - Stan's brother? 301 00:13:22,916 --> 00:13:26,416 Because after all those players left, he stayed behind without them. 302 00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:28,458 {\an8}So I'm gonna be all alone? 303 00:13:28,541 --> 00:13:31,666 Of course not! There's gonna be new players. 304 00:13:31,750 --> 00:13:34,416 {\an8}B-B-But I-I don't want new players. 305 00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:36,750 {\an8}Why are you ademdeming me, Jay? 306 00:13:36,833 --> 00:13:40,125 What? No! I'm not abandoning you, Steve. I'm just trying to graduate. 307 00:13:40,208 --> 00:13:43,166 B-B-But I'm not graduating! [sobs] 308 00:13:43,250 --> 00:13:45,166 Don't graduate without me! 309 00:13:45,291 --> 00:13:46,125 [sobbing] 310 00:13:46,208 --> 00:13:49,666 Yeah, so, it won't be the same as going to school together, obviously, 311 00:13:49,750 --> 00:13:52,833 but I am really excited for those romantic letters. 312 00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:53,791 Sure. 313 00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:57,583 I actually might even spray perfume on my stationery like a wartime bride. 314 00:13:57,666 --> 00:14:01,583 Yeah, I mean, it sounds like you guys are gonna be... totally great. 315 00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:04,041 Hold on. Why did she pause like that? 316 00:14:04,125 --> 00:14:06,958 Yeah, are we not gonna be "totally great"? 317 00:14:07,041 --> 00:14:09,875 Well, perhaps we should look into the future, darling. 318 00:14:09,958 --> 00:14:12,375 - We can do that? - Of course! I'm fucking magic! 319 00:14:12,458 --> 00:14:13,750 You know, I always forget that, 320 00:14:13,833 --> 00:14:16,500 with all your cursing and lewd gestures and stuff. 321 00:14:17,583 --> 00:14:18,958 When are we? 322 00:14:19,041 --> 00:14:21,291 You mean when are we... 323 00:14:21,375 --> 00:14:23,291 Oh, no, sorry, you did it right. 324 00:14:23,375 --> 00:14:25,458 We're one year into the future. 325 00:14:25,541 --> 00:14:27,625 Holy guacamole, is that me? 326 00:14:27,708 --> 00:14:29,333 So, tell me, 327 00:14:29,416 --> 00:14:33,083 have you and Elijah been doing the whole "romantic letters" thing? 328 00:14:33,166 --> 00:14:35,875 Well, I wrote him one about how much I missed him 329 00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:37,333 and my heaving bosom, 330 00:14:37,416 --> 00:14:39,416 but then I realized I didn't have any stamps. 331 00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:41,166 Then send him an email! 332 00:14:41,250 --> 00:14:42,791 She can't hear you. 333 00:14:42,875 --> 00:14:46,333 And perhaps you did send an email. Let's take a look. 334 00:14:46,416 --> 00:14:48,583 {\an8}- New York City? When? - [distant horns honking] 335 00:14:48,666 --> 00:14:50,250 Ten years into the future. 336 00:14:50,333 --> 00:14:52,666 Sweet bazonga! My knockers are huge! 337 00:14:52,750 --> 00:14:56,291 Right. I always forget your mom has big tits. 338 00:14:56,375 --> 00:14:57,875 Wait, here comes Elijah. 339 00:14:57,958 --> 00:15:00,125 Is that Missy Foreman-Greenwald? 340 00:15:00,208 --> 00:15:01,125 Oh my goodness. 341 00:15:01,208 --> 00:15:02,625 Missy! [chuckling] 342 00:15:02,708 --> 00:15:05,958 Oh, um, this is my girlfriend, Leslie. 343 00:15:06,041 --> 00:15:07,833 - Girlfriend? - Okay, I hate her. 344 00:15:07,916 --> 00:15:09,750 By the way, I know it's forever ago, 345 00:15:09,833 --> 00:15:11,791 but I really did mean to send you a letter. 346 00:15:11,875 --> 00:15:13,041 I meant to send you one too. 347 00:15:13,125 --> 00:15:14,833 [both] But I didn't have stamps. 348 00:15:14,916 --> 00:15:19,250 Has nobody ever heard of stamps.com?! They deliver them right to your door! 349 00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:21,958 Well, it was so great running into you, Missy. 350 00:15:22,625 --> 00:15:25,333 That's it? We have no future together? 351 00:15:25,416 --> 00:15:26,333 If it's any solace, 352 00:15:26,416 --> 00:15:29,375 you'll be able to devote more time and energy to the twins. 353 00:15:29,458 --> 00:15:31,416 Are you talking about my chest? 354 00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:34,625 Yes, darling. Tia and Tamara. 355 00:15:34,708 --> 00:15:36,916 Oh my God. Is this for, like, a movie? 356 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,958 [Caleb] No, it is for the news. 357 00:15:39,041 --> 00:15:40,166 Hard pass. 358 00:15:40,250 --> 00:15:43,166 Hey, thanks for helping me frame my friend. 359 00:15:43,250 --> 00:15:46,916 Oh, no problem. I mean, we really ruined that girl's summer. 360 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,250 [laughs] 361 00:15:48,333 --> 00:15:51,375 Listen, I know Cobblestones, like, totally sucks... 362 00:15:51,458 --> 00:15:54,333 Totally. Sucks a dirty man's dick. [chuckles] 363 00:15:54,416 --> 00:15:55,416 That's too much, right? 364 00:15:55,458 --> 00:15:56,500 ...but I don't know, 365 00:15:56,583 --> 00:15:58,958 it might be really cool if you came here next year. 366 00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:00,083 Rick, did you hear that? 367 00:16:00,166 --> 00:16:02,500 That you wanna suck a dirty man's dick? 368 00:16:02,583 --> 00:16:05,333 No. I think maybe Danni likes me. 369 00:16:05,416 --> 00:16:06,250 [horn honks] 370 00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:09,750 - Oh fuck, that's my ride. - Well, you should text me sometime. 371 00:16:09,833 --> 00:16:12,750 Totally, but it'd be hard to text you since I don't have your number. 372 00:16:12,833 --> 00:16:14,875 Or your phone. 373 00:16:14,958 --> 00:16:16,000 {\an8}- [laughs] - Oh! 374 00:16:16,083 --> 00:16:17,500 {\an8}See you later, Nick Birch. 375 00:16:17,583 --> 00:16:19,791 Yeah. See you later, Nick Birch. 376 00:16:19,875 --> 00:16:21,625 Well? What do you think? 377 00:16:21,708 --> 00:16:23,833 Um, it's kind of a scary school, 378 00:16:23,916 --> 00:16:27,583 but it's also, like, very beautiful, and I think I'm in love with it? 379 00:16:27,666 --> 00:16:29,875 - So? - Yeah, I'm going to Cobblestones. 380 00:16:31,750 --> 00:16:37,541 Aw, shit! Booty fatter than a pear! Your Hormone Monstress Megan is here. Ah! 381 00:16:37,625 --> 00:16:40,333 Megan, what the fuck are you doing? I know who you are. 382 00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:43,583 All right, simmer down, hottie. This is for the people. 383 00:16:43,666 --> 00:16:45,791 It's a big motherfuckin' deal they got me on the show. 384 00:16:45,875 --> 00:16:48,500 Well, if you're done, what'd you think of that Nick kid? 385 00:16:48,583 --> 00:16:51,125 - The little cutie with the big-ass lips? - He's funny, right? 386 00:16:51,208 --> 00:16:53,375 - I mean, he does what you ask. - I don't hate that. 387 00:16:53,458 --> 00:16:55,250 But does he get your pussy wet? 388 00:16:55,333 --> 00:16:57,416 Oh my God, we just met! 389 00:16:57,500 --> 00:17:00,625 - Is that all you care about? - Uh, duh, bitch. A hundred percent. 390 00:17:00,708 --> 00:17:01,583 Hey, Danni. 391 00:17:01,666 --> 00:17:03,166 Oh. Hello, Travis. 392 00:17:03,250 --> 00:17:04,250 Ooh shit. 393 00:17:04,333 --> 00:17:07,208 Now Travis, he giving that kitty-cat a bath. 394 00:17:07,291 --> 00:17:08,416 - Meow. Meow. - Ugh. 395 00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,333 Shouldn't you be with Theresa? 396 00:17:10,416 --> 00:17:13,208 I heard what you did to her. That shit is hilarious. 397 00:17:13,291 --> 00:17:14,708 - [laughs] - Her summer's fucked. 398 00:17:14,791 --> 00:17:18,666 Yeah, and she was supposed to go to Belize. Oops. [laughs] 399 00:17:18,750 --> 00:17:20,541 Hey, wanna watch my lacrosse practice? 400 00:17:20,625 --> 00:17:24,500 Fuck yeah! Let's flood that field with your punani tsunami, girl. 401 00:17:24,583 --> 00:17:26,333 I mean, I guess I could watch. 402 00:17:26,416 --> 00:17:28,458 Wet pussy makes me hungry. 403 00:17:28,541 --> 00:17:30,583 [eating sounds] 404 00:17:30,666 --> 00:17:31,666 [birds chirping] 405 00:17:33,666 --> 00:17:35,291 Caleb, can we talk? 406 00:17:35,375 --> 00:17:36,416 No, thank you. 407 00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:39,666 I know you're disappointed we're not gonna keep doing the morning show, 408 00:17:39,750 --> 00:17:41,630 but that doesn't mean we can't still be friends. 409 00:17:41,666 --> 00:17:43,250 - Yes, it does. - Why? 410 00:17:43,333 --> 00:17:46,666 Because I only see you when we're working on the show. 411 00:17:46,750 --> 00:17:51,875 Oh. Well, then we'll just have to find something else to do together. 412 00:17:51,958 --> 00:17:53,541 I like studying maps. 413 00:17:53,625 --> 00:17:58,000 Okay, or we could, uh, 414 00:17:58,083 --> 00:18:00,375 have coffee together every Saturday morning? 415 00:18:00,458 --> 00:18:01,958 It'll be our own special time. 416 00:18:02,041 --> 00:18:05,583 Every third Saturday of the month, I have map club. 417 00:18:05,666 --> 00:18:08,166 Okay, but otherwise? 418 00:18:08,250 --> 00:18:10,125 I will have coffee with you. 419 00:18:10,208 --> 00:18:11,208 Wonderful. 420 00:18:11,250 --> 00:18:14,083 Now let's go give the people one last great show. 421 00:18:14,166 --> 00:18:17,750 I think people just want the show they've always tuned in for. 422 00:18:17,833 --> 00:18:18,708 Okay. 423 00:18:18,791 --> 00:18:23,083 I can't believe our gross little kids are graduating. 424 00:18:23,166 --> 00:18:24,916 It seems like just yesterday 425 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:29,166 I taught Andrew how to tuck his boner into his waistband. 426 00:18:29,250 --> 00:18:31,500 He came right into his own belly button. 427 00:18:31,583 --> 00:18:33,666 [sobs] I'm gonna miss these days. 428 00:18:33,750 --> 00:18:37,208 Oh, come on, Maury. They're just going to high school. 429 00:18:37,291 --> 00:18:40,125 And Jessi's right. This place is a fart in a box. 430 00:18:40,208 --> 00:18:41,750 Well, this is it, dear Jessi. 431 00:18:41,833 --> 00:18:43,500 After everything I've done for everyone, 432 00:18:43,583 --> 00:18:46,250 I'll be remembered only as the grossest human. 433 00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:48,541 Just put me in a cage at the zoo, 434 00:18:48,625 --> 00:18:51,208 and I'll pull feces out of my bright red ass. 435 00:18:51,291 --> 00:18:54,416 Chill out. It's middle school, and it's over. 436 00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:58,041 We didn't even get a chance to apologize to little what's-his-name. 437 00:18:58,125 --> 00:18:59,666 Yeah, where is Nick? 438 00:18:59,750 --> 00:19:01,083 Oh God, Rick. 439 00:19:01,166 --> 00:19:04,083 How am I gonna break the news I'm not going to high school with them? 440 00:19:04,166 --> 00:19:07,083 I think you just gotta rip off the Band-Aid, man, 441 00:19:07,166 --> 00:19:09,083 nice and slow. 442 00:19:09,166 --> 00:19:10,166 Um... 443 00:19:10,208 --> 00:19:12,375 - Hey, guys. - Hey, Nick. Where you been? 444 00:19:12,458 --> 00:19:13,583 There you are. 445 00:19:13,666 --> 00:19:15,750 Hey, I need to force you to listen to apologies. 446 00:19:15,833 --> 00:19:16,833 Here, I've made a list. 447 00:19:16,916 --> 00:19:20,583 Actually, before you do, I have something kind of weird to tell you guys. 448 00:19:20,666 --> 00:19:21,958 Okay. So what is it? 449 00:19:22,041 --> 00:19:24,875 So my parents made me visit, um, 450 00:19:25,375 --> 00:19:27,875 Cobblestones Academy yesterday. 451 00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:28,958 What? Why? 452 00:19:29,041 --> 00:19:31,750 Because they, like, want me to go there next year. 453 00:19:31,833 --> 00:19:34,333 But you're going to high school with me, right? 454 00:19:34,416 --> 00:19:37,250 - Well, actually... - Oh, don't say it, Nick. 455 00:19:37,333 --> 00:19:39,541 Oh my God. Are you going there? 456 00:19:39,625 --> 00:19:42,583 I don't know, but kinda. Maybe. Yes? 457 00:19:42,666 --> 00:19:45,666 He's deserting you. How could he do this to us? 458 00:19:45,750 --> 00:19:47,250 You took the best years of my life! 459 00:19:47,333 --> 00:19:49,875 Oh God, these have been the best years of your life? 460 00:19:49,958 --> 00:19:51,916 Look, I went there planning to hate it, 461 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,666 but then, when I got there, there was this girl... 462 00:19:54,750 --> 00:19:56,458 [mocking] "Then there was this girl." Okay. 463 00:19:56,541 --> 00:19:59,583 He met a girl! Does she know your favorite snacks? 464 00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:01,375 - Andrew. - Does she got a cock like mine? 465 00:20:01,458 --> 00:20:04,000 I know this is, like, really hard, and... 466 00:20:04,083 --> 00:20:05,458 and I'm... and I'm so sorry. 467 00:20:05,541 --> 00:20:07,125 You don't get to do that! 468 00:20:07,208 --> 00:20:09,416 You don't get to do something shitty 469 00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,125 - and then say you're sorry! - Okay. 470 00:20:11,208 --> 00:20:13,958 I've spent this whole episode learning that lesson. 471 00:20:14,041 --> 00:20:16,333 And Andrew hates learning lessons. 472 00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:18,166 Ah, fuck this place! 473 00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:21,083 We're here at the Bridgeton Middle graduation, 474 00:20:21,166 --> 00:20:24,000 where everyone is wearing too much makeup or not enough. 475 00:20:24,083 --> 00:20:27,166 And special congratulations to all you children of divorce 476 00:20:27,250 --> 00:20:30,166 for being able to get a rare photo with both parents. 477 00:20:30,250 --> 00:20:32,000 [masked principal] Welcome friends, family, 478 00:20:32,083 --> 00:20:34,458 and Lola's mother's parole officer. 479 00:20:34,541 --> 00:20:36,083 Hey, Lols, I got a shout-out! 480 00:20:36,166 --> 00:20:37,333 Shut up, Rodney! 481 00:20:37,416 --> 00:20:40,166 Just get ready to throw rice at me when I leave the gym. 482 00:20:40,250 --> 00:20:44,041 [masked principal] I can tell none of you wore deodorant, so let's make this quick. 483 00:20:44,125 --> 00:20:46,041 - Gina Alvarez. - [audience cheering] 484 00:20:47,625 --> 00:20:49,166 Jay Bilzerian... 485 00:20:49,250 --> 00:20:50,583 Yes! I did it. 486 00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:52,266 [masked principal]...is not graduating. 487 00:20:52,333 --> 00:20:55,458 What? No! Why would you say it like that? 488 00:20:55,541 --> 00:20:57,708 Wait, Jay's not graduating? 489 00:20:57,791 --> 00:21:01,541 [masked principal] But he can still graduate eighth grade if... 490 00:21:01,625 --> 00:21:05,166 What? If what? Ah, just tell me, you masked fuck! 491 00:21:05,250 --> 00:21:07,416 [masked principal] ...if he attends summer school! 492 00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:09,208 Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop the clock. 493 00:21:09,291 --> 00:21:10,791 I teach summer school. 494 00:21:10,875 --> 00:21:13,750 That means we can be on the Knicks together 495 00:21:13,833 --> 00:21:15,208 for one more summer! 496 00:21:15,291 --> 00:21:17,000 Run it back, Van Gundy! 497 00:21:17,083 --> 00:21:20,791 Okay, this sucks, but could be good. 498 00:21:20,875 --> 00:21:21,750 [groans] 499 00:21:21,833 --> 00:21:24,500 - But also kinda sucks! - [masked principal] Welcome to life, kid. 500 00:21:24,583 --> 00:21:26,250 Wait a minute, are you Richard Lewis? 501 00:21:26,333 --> 00:21:29,583 [masked principal] I told you, I'm Roman Polanski. 502 00:21:29,666 --> 00:21:32,083 Why doesn't anyone wanna believe that? 503 00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:33,916 - Nicholas Birch. - [audience applauds] 504 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,958 - Go-Gurt Burglar. - [audience applauding] 505 00:21:36,041 --> 00:21:38,208 - Missy Foreman-Greenwald. - [audience cheering] 506 00:21:38,291 --> 00:21:40,625 - Devon Furtive-Oldman. - [cheering, applauding throughout] 507 00:21:40,708 --> 00:21:42,625 Jessi Glaser. 508 00:21:42,708 --> 00:21:44,541 Andrew Glouberman. 509 00:21:44,625 --> 00:21:48,583 - I can't believe Nick is leaving me. - And all these people think you're gross. 510 00:21:48,666 --> 00:21:49,500 It isn't fair. 511 00:21:49,583 --> 00:21:51,791 After all you've given to this place. 512 00:21:51,875 --> 00:21:54,916 The sweat, the tears, the B-minus effort. 513 00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:57,458 - The mountains of jizz. - [Andrew] Eh! 514 00:21:57,541 --> 00:22:00,083 - [masked principal] Hey! - You all call me the grossest human? 515 00:22:00,166 --> 00:22:02,625 - Well, I say you're all gross. - [all gasp] 516 00:22:02,708 --> 00:22:05,291 And every time I fart and jizz on things, 517 00:22:05,375 --> 00:22:08,583 you all see a little bit of yourselves, and you can't stand it. 518 00:22:08,666 --> 00:22:10,500 Told you we shouldn't have come, Barbara. 519 00:22:10,583 --> 00:22:13,291 But guess what? No one's perfect. 520 00:22:13,375 --> 00:22:15,875 Nick's a traitor, Jay's an idiot, 521 00:22:15,958 --> 00:22:18,458 the Janssen Twins are for sure cannibals. 522 00:22:18,541 --> 00:22:19,541 Oh, for sure. 523 00:22:19,583 --> 00:22:21,500 You are powerless to stop us. 524 00:22:21,583 --> 00:22:24,666 But do you know what the most fucked-up part is? 525 00:22:24,750 --> 00:22:28,125 I'm gonna miss this stupid, shitty place. 526 00:22:28,208 --> 00:22:31,875 This gym where we defeated the Shame Wizard. You remember that, guys? 527 00:22:31,958 --> 00:22:34,041 Hmm, that's the first time I kissed Jay. 528 00:22:34,125 --> 00:22:36,041 Oh, it sure was, Matt. 529 00:22:36,125 --> 00:22:39,583 Remember when we were all superheroes for a minute? That was crazy. 530 00:22:39,666 --> 00:22:42,500 This place really is filled with cherished memories. 531 00:22:42,583 --> 00:22:44,142 - [students] Yeah. - Murmur in agreement. 532 00:22:44,166 --> 00:22:45,458 That's right, Missy. 533 00:22:45,541 --> 00:22:48,291 In fact, right there, right at that three-point line, 534 00:22:48,375 --> 00:22:50,458 that's where you and I slow danced, 535 00:22:50,541 --> 00:22:52,333 and I came hard in my pants. 536 00:22:52,416 --> 00:22:53,583 - [all groan] - Come on, man. 537 00:22:53,666 --> 00:22:55,208 Oh, you lost them, buddy. 538 00:22:55,291 --> 00:22:57,166 So goodbye, Bridgeton Middle. 539 00:22:57,250 --> 00:23:01,083 You won't have Andrew Glouberman to kick around anymore. 540 00:23:01,166 --> 00:23:05,333 [sobbing] If you need me, I'll be in my gross cage at the zoo 541 00:23:05,416 --> 00:23:07,791 taking dry shits out of a red ass. 542 00:23:07,875 --> 00:23:08,708 Thank you. 543 00:23:08,791 --> 00:23:10,458 - [Andrew sobbing] - [audience booing] 544 00:23:10,541 --> 00:23:12,625 - [masked principal] Lump Humpman. - [panting] 545 00:23:12,708 --> 00:23:15,041 Oh man, I feel kind of responsible? 546 00:23:15,125 --> 00:23:18,833 Does that mean you're not gonna go to the fancy school with the pretty girl? 547 00:23:18,916 --> 00:23:22,375 Oh no, I'm definitely going there. Just Andrew's gonna be really sad. 548 00:23:22,458 --> 00:23:25,000 - Baby, are you crying? - [sobbing] 549 00:23:25,083 --> 00:23:26,458 I know, what the hell? 550 00:23:26,541 --> 00:23:28,916 What? From Andrew's deranged speech? 551 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:29,875 No! 552 00:23:29,958 --> 00:23:32,125 I mean, maybe? 553 00:23:32,208 --> 00:23:35,333 I guess I am gonna miss this shitty place, like, a little. 554 00:23:35,416 --> 00:23:39,500 Oh, fuck, now you got me crying too, 555 00:23:39,583 --> 00:23:44,041 right here, where that boy took a shit through that basketball hoop. 556 00:23:44,125 --> 00:23:45,791 Remember that, Jessi? 557 00:23:45,875 --> 00:23:48,458 Season two? Remember that shit? 558 00:23:48,541 --> 00:23:49,750 Um... [sniffles] 559 00:23:49,833 --> 00:23:52,541 - Kind of. - That was also so crazy! 560 00:23:52,625 --> 00:23:55,166 He was just an extra! 561 00:23:55,250 --> 00:23:56,583 [gentle piano music playing] 562 00:23:57,166 --> 00:24:00,041 Um, will you FaceTime me when you get to Bible Camp? 563 00:24:00,125 --> 00:24:02,666 Oh, we're not allowed to have any technology 564 00:24:02,750 --> 00:24:04,708 - the ancient Israelites didn't have. - Oh. 565 00:24:04,791 --> 00:24:07,833 Well, um, I-I admire the authenticity. 566 00:24:07,916 --> 00:24:09,666 But maybe we can write letters? 567 00:24:09,750 --> 00:24:11,583 Do you have any stamps? 568 00:24:11,666 --> 00:24:13,166 No, but I'll get some. 569 00:24:13,250 --> 00:24:14,125 [sighs] 570 00:24:14,208 --> 00:24:16,791 We all know nobody's getting any stamps, right? 571 00:24:16,875 --> 00:24:19,125 Is this it? Are they done? 572 00:24:19,208 --> 00:24:20,208 I'm afraid so. 573 00:24:20,250 --> 00:24:23,416 Oh man, that bites the big one. 574 00:24:23,500 --> 00:24:26,000 It's been lovely working with you boys. 575 00:24:26,083 --> 00:24:28,583 You have quite the little gentleman on your hands. 576 00:24:28,666 --> 00:24:31,583 - And you got a real sweet girl there. - Joe, come on. Don't be gross. 577 00:24:31,666 --> 00:24:34,375 What? [nervous chuckle] What'd I say? She's very sweet. 578 00:24:34,458 --> 00:24:36,958 Ugh, Joe, stop it! You belong in jail! 579 00:24:37,041 --> 00:24:38,541 Uh, d-did I miss something? 580 00:24:38,625 --> 00:24:42,041 Is... Is "sweet" not something I'm supposed to do with "girl" anymore? 581 00:24:42,125 --> 00:24:43,250 For Christ's sake, Joe! 582 00:24:43,333 --> 00:24:45,541 You're ruining the goddamn moment, you sicko. 583 00:24:45,625 --> 00:24:47,500 Well, I'll see you in September. 584 00:24:47,583 --> 00:24:48,958 Yeah, sure. 585 00:24:49,041 --> 00:24:50,333 [Elijah sighs] 586 00:24:50,416 --> 00:24:52,000 - Bye, Missy. - Bye, Elijah. 587 00:24:52,625 --> 00:24:54,958 Oh. Oh, dang. 588 00:24:55,041 --> 00:24:57,333 Come on, darling, into the future, 589 00:24:57,416 --> 00:25:00,875 where your boobies are even bigger than your dreams. 590 00:25:00,958 --> 00:25:03,291 Before I sign off for the last time, 591 00:25:03,375 --> 00:25:06,833 I want to say an overdue thank you to the boy behind the camera, 592 00:25:06,916 --> 00:25:10,041 and more importantly, my dear friend, Caleb. 593 00:25:10,125 --> 00:25:12,791 You're so special to me, and I love you. 594 00:25:12,875 --> 00:25:16,333 I'd say "until tomorrow," but this is it. 595 00:25:16,416 --> 00:25:18,125 So, goodbye, Bridgeton Middle. 596 00:25:19,958 --> 00:25:21,125 And we're clear. 597 00:25:21,208 --> 00:25:23,875 You know, Caleb, I don't know if we've ever hugged each other. 598 00:25:23,958 --> 00:25:26,125 I don't like to be touched, 599 00:25:26,708 --> 00:25:28,541 but I'll allow it today. 600 00:25:29,458 --> 00:25:32,333 - This is mostly for you. - I know. 601 00:25:33,125 --> 00:25:34,500 Well, shall we? 602 00:25:34,583 --> 00:25:35,750 We shall. 603 00:25:37,375 --> 00:25:40,250 And that's a wrap on middle school. 604 00:25:40,333 --> 00:25:42,625 ["Thirteen" playing] 605 00:25:42,708 --> 00:25:48,333 ♪ Won't you let me Walk you home from school? ♪ 606 00:25:52,125 --> 00:25:53,916 ♪ Won't you let me ♪ 607 00:25:54,000 --> 00:26:00,541 ♪ Meet you at the pool? ♪ 608 00:26:02,041 --> 00:26:05,000 ♪ Maybe Friday ♪ 609 00:26:05,083 --> 00:26:12,083 ♪ I can get tickets for the dance ♪ 610 00:26:14,166 --> 00:26:20,708 ♪ And I'll take you ♪ 611 00:26:22,250 --> 00:26:24,708 ♪ Ooh ♪ 612 00:26:28,791 --> 00:26:33,708 ♪ Won't you tell your dad "Get off my back"? ♪ 613 00:26:37,833 --> 00:26:40,250 ♪ Tell him what we said ♪ 614 00:26:40,333 --> 00:26:45,291 ♪ About "Paint It Black" ♪ 615 00:26:47,791 --> 00:26:51,708 ♪ Rock 'n roll is here to stay ♪ 616 00:26:52,791 --> 00:26:57,708 ♪ Come inside where it's okay ♪ 617 00:26:57,791 --> 00:26:58,791 [song fades] 618 00:27:03,958 --> 00:27:04,958 Chirp.