1
00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:09,458
- [food sizzling]
- [dishes clattering]
2
00:00:10,416 --> 00:00:13,291
Wake up, sleepy teenagers.
Breakfast is ready.
3
00:00:13,375 --> 00:00:14,375
Thanks, Doctor B.
4
00:00:14,416 --> 00:00:16,208
- You're very welcome.
- This looks yummers.
5
00:00:16,291 --> 00:00:18,125
I just hope no one
got woken up this morning
6
00:00:18,208 --> 00:00:20,541
by the sounds
of me orally pleasuring my wife.
7
00:00:20,625 --> 00:00:22,265
- It certainly woke me up.
- [Nick groans]
8
00:00:22,333 --> 00:00:24,208
Exciting, the Birch house, isn't it?
9
00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:26,208
The parents are always
going down on each other.
10
00:00:26,291 --> 00:00:27,458
Ew, don't talk to us.
11
00:00:27,541 --> 00:00:29,875
Of course. I hope you had
a great shower this morning.
12
00:00:29,958 --> 00:00:30,833
I wasn't listening.
13
00:00:30,916 --> 00:00:34,250
And he definitely
didn't lick the tub clean afterwards.
14
00:00:34,333 --> 00:00:36,666
Like a cat with a mineral deficiency.
15
00:00:36,750 --> 00:00:41,791
Oh my God, look at Nicky-poo
in his cars and trucks pajamas.
16
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,541
Uh, actually, Gabrielle, it's Nick.
You know, like a man?
17
00:00:44,625 --> 00:00:46,041
Yeah, okay, little man.
18
00:00:46,125 --> 00:00:49,500
- No, like a regular man, not a little man.
- But with a baby's penis.
19
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,291
- Good morning, Judd.
- Hi.
20
00:00:51,375 --> 00:00:53,041
You wanna watch me eat a sausage?
21
00:00:53,125 --> 00:00:55,041
Oh my God. Guys, chill.
22
00:00:55,125 --> 00:00:57,583
- Leah, are you gonna ask him?
- Yes.
23
00:00:57,666 --> 00:00:59,833
Um, hey, Judd?
24
00:00:59,916 --> 00:01:01,333
Whatever it is, fuck off.
25
00:01:01,416 --> 00:01:05,083
Oh, come on! I just want you
to text your hook-up in the city
26
00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:06,833
and, like, buy us some mushrooms.
27
00:01:06,916 --> 00:01:09,750
Yeah, we wanna get high
and figure out if we're actually friends.
28
00:01:09,833 --> 00:01:11,833
- Please? We'll pay you double.
- Fine.
29
00:01:11,916 --> 00:01:14,416
- I'm saving up for a pressure cooker.
- Oh, yes!
30
00:01:14,500 --> 00:01:16,750
- You're our hero, Judd.
- I love you. For real.
31
00:01:16,833 --> 00:01:18,791
- Gabrielle!
- What? Your brother's hot.
32
00:01:18,875 --> 00:01:22,291
- Seriously. He's such a badass.
- Ah, Andrew, you hear that?
33
00:01:22,375 --> 00:01:24,250
Sounds like Judd's buying
a pressure cooker.
34
00:01:24,333 --> 00:01:25,500
That's for a bomb, right?
35
00:01:25,583 --> 00:01:29,375
No, the girls think Judd is a badass.
They don't treat him like a baby.
36
00:01:29,458 --> 00:01:31,875
Well, yeah, 'cause he's got
that big Judd energy.
37
00:01:31,958 --> 00:01:34,083
- Exactly.
- Oh, should we also build a bomb?
38
00:01:34,166 --> 00:01:37,958
No! We should go to the city with Judd
and buy some fucking drugs.
39
00:01:38,041 --> 00:01:39,916
Then we'll be badasses too.
40
00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,291
Absolutely not.
41
00:01:41,375 --> 00:01:44,666
- No fair. Why not...
- 'Cause you're a whiny little bitch.
42
00:01:44,750 --> 00:01:47,791
Under no circumstances
will I help you come of age.
43
00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:50,541
- [Nick grunts]
- Well, that's that. Judd said no. Okay.
44
00:01:50,625 --> 00:01:52,541
I wonder what our story
will be this episode.
45
00:01:52,625 --> 00:01:54,541
Maybe I'll get my dick
caught in something?
46
00:01:54,625 --> 00:01:57,250
Hey, you think we're taking no
for an answer? Get in.
47
00:01:57,333 --> 00:02:01,166
But there's no seat belts back there.
And also, Judd will kill us.
48
00:02:01,250 --> 00:02:02,541
- Thank you, Judd.
- You rock!
49
00:02:02,625 --> 00:02:05,583
- I love your body, Judd. For real.
- Come on. You said it yourself.
50
00:02:05,666 --> 00:02:07,291
We need that big Judd energy.
51
00:02:07,375 --> 00:02:09,500
- Uh...
- BJE. Big Judd energy.
52
00:02:09,583 --> 00:02:12,958
Come on, man. Peer pressure.
Let's do something bad.
53
00:02:13,041 --> 00:02:15,125
All right, yeah. Move over, Nick.
54
00:02:15,208 --> 00:02:19,500
- I'm puttin' some more junk in that trunk.
- Get in, come on. He's coming.
55
00:02:19,583 --> 00:02:21,291
Oh, Nick, this is so exciting.
56
00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:23,958
You think the drug dealer
accepts traveler's checks? [screams]
57
00:02:24,041 --> 00:02:27,208
Yeah! Let's go buy some fuckin' drugs!
58
00:02:27,291 --> 00:02:30,125
Woo-hoo! Chode trip!
59
00:02:30,208 --> 00:02:32,375
{\an8}["Changes" by Charles Bradley playing]
60
00:02:32,458 --> 00:02:37,958
{\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
61
00:02:41,958 --> 00:02:47,583
{\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
62
00:02:48,125 --> 00:02:48,958
{\an8}♪ Oh ♪
63
00:02:49,041 --> 00:02:50,333
{\an8}♪ In my life ♪
64
00:02:51,750 --> 00:02:54,791
{\an8}♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪
65
00:02:59,666 --> 00:03:00,666
[songs fades]
66
00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:04,625
- [groaning]
- [pots clanging]
67
00:03:04,708 --> 00:03:07,250
Oh my God, what is that racket?
68
00:03:07,333 --> 00:03:10,958
Can't a boy study
for the first time in his life in peace?
69
00:03:11,041 --> 00:03:13,041
- Finish him!
- Make him shit blood!
70
00:03:13,125 --> 00:03:15,291
- Yeah!
- Lola? What the fuck are you doing here?
71
00:03:15,375 --> 00:03:17,000
Are you joking me?
72
00:03:17,083 --> 00:03:19,041
{\an8}Celebrity UFC is on. Duh!
73
00:03:19,125 --> 00:03:22,250
{\an8}Doja Cat just obliterated
Jake from State Farm.
74
00:03:22,333 --> 00:03:24,583
{\an8}Like a good neighbor, she tore up his ass.
75
00:03:24,666 --> 00:03:27,583
No! I mean,
what are you doing in my house?
76
00:03:27,666 --> 00:03:29,666
Spending quality time with my new boo.
77
00:03:29,750 --> 00:03:32,166
What? You guys are boo-ficial now?
78
00:03:32,250 --> 00:03:33,250
Keep up!
79
00:03:33,333 --> 00:03:36,250
Kurt and I are like
the hottest new couple in town.
80
00:03:36,333 --> 00:03:38,708
- We're electric.
- It's fresh, it's exciting,
81
00:03:38,791 --> 00:03:42,833
and honey, it's way better
than anything we ever had.
82
00:03:42,916 --> 00:03:45,208
But don't you see how fucked up it is
you're dating Kurt?
83
00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:48,125
Why, because me dating
my ex-boyfriend's brother
84
00:03:48,208 --> 00:03:49,541
is technically incest?
85
00:03:49,625 --> 00:03:51,166
- Yes!
- Oh please!
86
00:03:51,250 --> 00:03:54,541
This could've all been yours,
but you chose Matthew.
87
00:03:54,625 --> 00:03:56,041
You made your gay bed,
88
00:03:56,125 --> 00:03:58,291
- now you have to gay sleep in it.
- [Jay groans]
89
00:03:58,375 --> 00:04:01,666
Babe, there is nothing hotter
than you calling my brother gay.
90
00:04:01,750 --> 00:04:04,750
Oh yeah? Well, your brother is my brother,
91
00:04:04,833 --> 00:04:06,333
and if we have a kid,
92
00:04:06,416 --> 00:04:09,750
it's gonna have the teeniest tiniest head.
93
00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,000
Ah fuck!
94
00:04:11,083 --> 00:04:14,166
Then that little pinhead
will be my grandfather!
95
00:04:14,250 --> 00:04:15,250
[groans]
96
00:04:15,291 --> 00:04:18,333
[Connie] Ooh, a Saturday hang
at Matthew's house.
97
00:04:18,416 --> 00:04:20,476
- What do you think we're gonna do?
- [doorbell rings]
98
00:04:20,500 --> 00:04:22,833
Um, we'll probably just talk shit
about people from school.
99
00:04:22,916 --> 00:04:25,791
Okay, I like Gina and she is my friend,
100
00:04:25,875 --> 00:04:28,375
but who takes a whole week off
when their grandma dies?
101
00:04:28,458 --> 00:04:31,500
I know. She's, like, a grandma.
What'd you think was gonna happen?
102
00:04:31,583 --> 00:04:32,458
Exactly.
103
00:04:32,541 --> 00:04:35,875
Wow. You guys didn't even say hello.
104
00:04:35,958 --> 00:04:39,583
- Jessica, my favorite Jewess.
- [chuckles]
105
00:04:39,666 --> 00:04:42,791
- Oh, just "Jessi" is fine.
- Well, our church...
106
00:04:42,875 --> 00:04:46,875
That's like your synagogue,
but for people who believe in God.
107
00:04:46,958 --> 00:04:50,500
Yes, well, our church
is going to the Wonder Bread factory.
108
00:04:50,583 --> 00:04:54,708
And that's like your Matzah bread,
but for people who believe in God.
109
00:04:54,791 --> 00:04:58,250
- Ah, Jessi's here! Jessi's here!
- Oh. Wow.
110
00:04:58,333 --> 00:05:00,333
- Hi, Brittany.
- Jesus Christ.
111
00:05:00,416 --> 00:05:02,291
Not this ugly fucking bitch.
112
00:05:02,375 --> 00:05:05,125
Oh, Maury, Brittany's not that ugly.
113
00:05:05,208 --> 00:05:06,875
I mean, she's not attractive.
114
00:05:06,958 --> 00:05:10,416
She's ugly in her heart, Connie,
and her fucking face.
115
00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:13,083
Oh, can I stay here
and play with Matthew and Jessi?
116
00:05:13,166 --> 00:05:15,375
But don't you wanna see
how white the bread is?
117
00:05:15,458 --> 00:05:19,500
No! I wanna be a big girl like Jessi.
118
00:05:19,583 --> 00:05:21,291
- Please?
- Aw, I'm flattered.
119
00:05:21,375 --> 00:05:23,375
It's okay with me
if it's okay with you guys.
120
00:05:23,458 --> 00:05:26,541
What? No! I was hoping
she'd fall in the Wonder Bread oven
121
00:05:26,625 --> 00:05:28,041
and slowly toast to death.
122
00:05:28,125 --> 00:05:31,000
- Yeah! We could play Cutlery.
- "Cutlery"?
123
00:05:31,083 --> 00:05:33,416
Oh, yeah. She loves silverware.
It's a whole thing.
124
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:36,583
Girls are spoons, and boys are forks.
125
00:05:36,666 --> 00:05:37,916
Okay, you know what?
126
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,791
I'm starting to see why you think
she's such a dumb little bitch.
127
00:05:40,875 --> 00:05:42,875
And Connie, she's so rude.
128
00:05:42,958 --> 00:05:45,500
She never asks you
one thing about yourself.
129
00:05:45,583 --> 00:05:47,125
[heavy metal playing]
130
00:05:47,208 --> 00:05:49,416
[tires screeching]
131
00:05:49,500 --> 00:05:52,458
Whoa! Ow! Why are there
so many wrenches back here?
132
00:05:52,541 --> 00:05:55,333
- There are just dozens of loose wrenches.
- Sh! Shut up.
133
00:05:55,416 --> 00:05:58,958
And a Time Warner modem.
You're supposed to return these!
134
00:05:59,041 --> 00:06:01,791
God, Judd doesn't give two fucks, does he?
135
00:06:01,875 --> 00:06:04,791
Nicky? Andrew? Do you guys want a snack?
136
00:06:05,291 --> 00:06:06,166
Boys?
137
00:06:06,250 --> 00:06:07,666
- Huh.
- [phone dialing]
138
00:06:07,750 --> 00:06:09,208
- [phone vibrating]
- Oh fuck.
139
00:06:09,291 --> 00:06:11,375
[whispering] Mom, I can't talk right now.
140
00:06:11,458 --> 00:06:13,208
Uh, I'm jogging with Andrew.
141
00:06:13,291 --> 00:06:16,958
- Why are you whispering?
- Because we're jogging in a library?
142
00:06:17,041 --> 00:06:19,541
- What? A library?
- Sorry, yeah, gotta go.
143
00:06:19,625 --> 00:06:23,416
Uh, Andrew just tripped over one
of those newspapers on a big stick. Bye.
144
00:06:23,500 --> 00:06:27,083
That little shit is up to something.
145
00:06:27,166 --> 00:06:28,791
Oh fuck, we're caught.
146
00:06:28,875 --> 00:06:32,333
Let's just roll out.
I'd rather be roadkill than face your mom.
147
00:06:32,416 --> 00:06:34,875
Andrew, relax. We're bad boys, right?
148
00:06:34,958 --> 00:06:38,916
Right, we're bad boys,
and bad boys lie to their mommies.
149
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,541
Turn off your phone
so your parents can't track your location.
150
00:06:41,625 --> 00:06:45,041
[chuckles] Oh, sweetie,
my parents have no idea how to do that.
151
00:06:45,125 --> 00:06:46,958
- [tires screech]
- [Andrew and Nick groan]
152
00:06:47,041 --> 00:06:49,583
I will say this, we're making great time.
153
00:06:49,666 --> 00:06:50,958
[Jay groans]
154
00:06:51,041 --> 00:06:52,666
Fucking Lola!
155
00:06:52,750 --> 00:06:55,500
She's just trying to get back at me
for picking Matthew.
156
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:57,458
What a toxic psycho.
157
00:06:57,541 --> 00:07:01,750
Jay, how's therapy going
with your dumb dog?
158
00:07:01,833 --> 00:07:05,583
Has he gotten to the root
of why you're such a fugly little freak?
159
00:07:05,666 --> 00:07:08,166
- Hey, you're the one that's fugly!
- Yeah, right.
160
00:07:08,250 --> 00:07:12,708
If I was so fugly, would your brother
wanna tongue me down like this?
161
00:07:12,791 --> 00:07:14,250
[both moaning]
162
00:07:14,333 --> 00:07:18,041
- Oh yeah, your tongue is so wet.
- Yeah, yours is so bumpy.
163
00:07:18,125 --> 00:07:20,333
Oh yeah? Well two can play at that game.
164
00:07:20,416 --> 00:07:21,500
[grunts] Come here, Luda.
165
00:07:21,583 --> 00:07:22,833
- [Luda whimpers]
- [Jay groans]
166
00:07:22,916 --> 00:07:25,916
Hey, babe. You're not just using me
to piss off Jay, right?
167
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,625
Oh my God, of course not!
168
00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:30,833
- Baby, I horn for you so bad.
- Oh yeah.
169
00:07:30,916 --> 00:07:33,750
And if that happens to drive Jay
to the edge of madness,
170
00:07:33,833 --> 00:07:37,666
well then, that's just, like, you know,
the cherry on top of a burger.
171
00:07:37,750 --> 00:07:39,916
It's so hot how twisted you are.
172
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,000
Oh yeah, I'm a fucking maniac.
173
00:07:43,083 --> 00:07:45,000
I'm a fucking maniac too.
174
00:07:45,083 --> 00:07:47,250
[both moaning]
175
00:07:47,333 --> 00:07:49,083
[sings fanfare]
176
00:07:49,166 --> 00:07:55,708
Introducing Princess Spoon
and Prince Fork.
177
00:07:55,791 --> 00:07:59,333
- Greetings. Greetings.
- Hi. Thank you so much for coming.
178
00:07:59,416 --> 00:08:04,250
- And now, let the royal wedding begin!
- [chuckles]
179
00:08:04,333 --> 00:08:07,250
I don't think
I'm exactly Prince Fork's type.
180
00:08:07,333 --> 00:08:10,416
Maybe he should marry
Duke Cocktail Fork over there.
181
00:08:10,500 --> 00:08:11,500
[giggles]
182
00:08:11,541 --> 00:08:13,291
I don't know about marriage,
183
00:08:13,375 --> 00:08:17,541
but I am DTF, down to fork. [giggles]
184
00:08:17,625 --> 00:08:20,291
Jessi, you're being so silly.
185
00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:23,333
Matthew can't marry another fork.
186
00:08:23,416 --> 00:08:25,375
Of course Brittany is homophobic.
187
00:08:25,458 --> 00:08:27,708
Westboro-Baptist-ass bitch.
188
00:08:27,791 --> 00:08:31,125
Sure he can.
A fork can totally marry another fork.
189
00:08:31,208 --> 00:08:32,875
- [laughs] Okay, Jessi.
- Or a knife or...
190
00:08:32,958 --> 00:08:35,708
- Ow. What the hell, Matthew?
- Um, that's enough.
191
00:08:35,791 --> 00:08:37,583
Can the fork marry a potato peeler?
192
00:08:37,666 --> 00:08:40,750
Um, sure.
Anyone can marry whoever they want.
193
00:08:40,833 --> 00:08:42,041
- Jessi!
- Ow, Matthew!
194
00:08:42,125 --> 00:08:45,125
- Stop slapping my fucking tit!
- Oh, she's just kidding.
195
00:08:45,208 --> 00:08:48,083
Jessi is being so silly and stupid.
196
00:08:48,166 --> 00:08:50,791
Prince Fork would love
to marry Princess Spoon.
197
00:08:50,875 --> 00:08:52,791
Fuck. Why is Matthew being so weird?
198
00:08:52,875 --> 00:08:56,250
I know! If he's gonna slap anyone,
it should be Brittany.
199
00:08:56,333 --> 00:08:59,750
- I'm so glad you don't like her either.
- She's a toxic person!
200
00:08:59,833 --> 00:09:02,208
And you know she's never had a job before?
201
00:09:02,291 --> 00:09:04,333
Her parents pay for, like, everything.
202
00:09:04,416 --> 00:09:05,791
- [tires screech]
- [both grunt]
203
00:09:05,875 --> 00:09:10,416
Oh Lord, that ride was so terrifying.
My asshole may never unclench.
204
00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:11,833
Andrew, focus. [snaps fingers]
205
00:09:11,916 --> 00:09:16,208
We are about to experience a drug deal
in the seedy underbelly of society.
206
00:09:16,291 --> 00:09:20,250
Them corners, an unflinching journey
into the American drug crisis.
207
00:09:20,958 --> 00:09:22,041
What the...
208
00:09:22,125 --> 00:09:24,708
- Where... Where are we?
- Yeah, where's the underbelly?
209
00:09:24,791 --> 00:09:28,708
- I think we're in Brooklyn?
- Mm. That tracks.
210
00:09:28,791 --> 00:09:31,208
I mean, there's a Sweetgreen
across from another Sweetgreen.
211
00:09:31,291 --> 00:09:32,875
Hey, yo, Brooklyn!
212
00:09:32,958 --> 00:09:36,625
Let's play some stick ball
with Nathan's hot dogs, you gavones.
213
00:09:36,708 --> 00:09:39,041
Yeah! Don't remembuhboutit!
214
00:09:39,125 --> 00:09:40,458
Do you mean "fuhgeddaboutit"?
215
00:09:40,541 --> 00:09:42,250
- Forget about what?
- The thing you said.
216
00:09:42,333 --> 00:09:44,333
I'm not following you, my gavone.
217
00:09:44,416 --> 00:09:45,576
- [child] Whee!
- [man laughs]
218
00:09:45,625 --> 00:09:48,250
- What the hell is that sound?
- I think it's Judd,
219
00:09:48,333 --> 00:09:50,291
and I think he's laughing?
220
00:09:50,375 --> 00:09:52,000
- What? No.
- [man] Hold on tight.
221
00:09:52,083 --> 00:09:54,458
Judd only laughs
when he hears bones cracking.
222
00:09:54,541 --> 00:09:56,958
- Pretty fun, huh, Melon Ball?
- I wanna go higher!
223
00:09:57,041 --> 00:09:59,708
Hey, you don't think
the kid's a drug dealer, do you?
224
00:09:59,791 --> 00:10:02,250
Like a cute little rascal
that sells narcotics?
225
00:10:02,333 --> 00:10:04,208
If Judd wanted to hang out
with a younger kid,
226
00:10:04,291 --> 00:10:05,791
why didn't he ever hang out with me?
227
00:10:05,875 --> 00:10:09,000
It might be because he thinks,
and I'm quoting him,
228
00:10:09,083 --> 00:10:11,583
- that "you're a whiny little bitch."
- Aw.
229
00:10:11,666 --> 00:10:15,083
Don't you think that's it though, Nick?
The whiny little bitch thing?
230
00:10:15,166 --> 00:10:16,416
[tires screech]
231
00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:17,541
[banging on door]
232
00:10:17,625 --> 00:10:18,458
- Hey.
- Diane?
233
00:10:18,541 --> 00:10:21,000
The boys are acting mad sus.
We need to track their phones.
234
00:10:21,083 --> 00:10:24,541
I don't know what any of those words mean.
How are you learning new words?
235
00:10:24,625 --> 00:10:25,833
Just give me your phone.
236
00:10:25,916 --> 00:10:29,375
Here. The password is, "OH GOD!!!!"
all caps, four exclamation points.
237
00:10:29,458 --> 00:10:32,500
My little snake of a son
turned off his location tracking,
238
00:10:32,583 --> 00:10:35,708
but I'm assuming Andrew
doesn't think you're hip to the tech.
239
00:10:35,791 --> 00:10:38,416
- I'm not hip to anything!
- Boom. They're in Brooklyn.
240
00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:41,000
Oh God, the mob
must have kidnapped Andrew.
241
00:10:41,083 --> 00:10:43,083
They're gonna harvest
his fat little organs.
242
00:10:43,166 --> 00:10:44,166
- Oh, grow up.
- Oh!
243
00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:48,041
They're up to some shady bullshit,
and we're gonna catch them in the act.
244
00:10:48,125 --> 00:10:51,458
Wait, did you say "we"? Are we teaming up?
245
00:10:51,541 --> 00:10:53,250
You bet your sweet ass we are.
246
00:10:53,333 --> 00:10:56,541
Grab your travel mug, Barbara,
'cause we're going to Brooklyn.
247
00:10:56,625 --> 00:10:57,708
Ooh! Whee!
248
00:10:57,791 --> 00:11:01,916
Okay. Tell your sister and her friends
they're in for a blissful experience.
249
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:05,541
- Wait, so the mom is Judd's drug dealer?
- [panting] Oh!
250
00:11:05,625 --> 00:11:07,541
We're about to witness an urban drug deal.
251
00:11:07,625 --> 00:11:08,625
Chill out, Andrew.
252
00:11:08,666 --> 00:11:11,875
What if the fuzz shows up
and we get booked for accessory?
253
00:11:11,958 --> 00:11:15,125
What am I gonna do in jail?
I won't have anywhere to sit during lunch.
254
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,333
I'll have to become friends
with the Aryan Nation.
255
00:11:17,416 --> 00:11:19,583
- What if they figure out I'm Jewish?
- Oh, they will.
256
00:11:19,666 --> 00:11:22,041
That's their least favorite thing. [farts]
257
00:11:22,125 --> 00:11:24,416
Andrew, do not nervous-fart right now.
258
00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:27,625
I can't help it.
That's how my body processes stress.
259
00:11:27,708 --> 00:11:29,750
- [farts]
- [sniffs, groans]
260
00:11:29,833 --> 00:11:31,250
What is that smell?
261
00:11:31,333 --> 00:11:34,625
Wait a minute,
it smells like my brother's friend's ass.
262
00:11:34,708 --> 00:11:37,708
Wow, the cool older guy
knows what my farts smell like.
263
00:11:37,791 --> 00:11:39,583
- It's kinda flattering.
- What the fuck?
264
00:11:39,666 --> 00:11:42,875
Judd? Is that you?
What are you doing in Brooklyn?
265
00:11:42,958 --> 00:11:45,916
Oh, are you looking
at shared office space like us? [screams]
266
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:48,458
- [both grunt]
- You have ten seconds to explain.
267
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:52,375
Oh fine. We wanted
to be badasses like you to get girls,
268
00:11:52,458 --> 00:11:54,666
so we wanted to meet your drug dealer. Hi.
269
00:11:54,750 --> 00:11:56,833
Oh, I'm not a drug dealer.
270
00:11:56,916 --> 00:11:59,208
I'm a purveyor
of natural psilocybnic products
271
00:11:59,291 --> 00:12:01,251
that allow my clients
to open their consciousness.
272
00:12:01,291 --> 00:12:02,125
She's a drug dealer.
273
00:12:02,208 --> 00:12:06,458
Yes, exactly. That's what we'd like,
some of that sweet consciousness stuff.
274
00:12:06,541 --> 00:12:09,000
Andrew, please give the nice woman
your traveler's checks.
275
00:12:09,083 --> 00:12:11,625
Honeydew isn't selling
you little dickheads shit.
276
00:12:11,708 --> 00:12:13,541
Why are you always so mean to me?
277
00:12:13,625 --> 00:12:16,333
- 'Cause you're a whiny little bitch.
- I am not!
278
00:12:16,416 --> 00:12:17,416
- [thud]
- [cries]
279
00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:20,541
- Melon Ball, baby!
- Oh shit, I think his arm is broken.
280
00:12:20,625 --> 00:12:23,458
Who's that kid?
Do you have a secret son or something?
281
00:12:23,541 --> 00:12:24,625
No, of course not.
282
00:12:24,708 --> 00:12:27,250
Then why do you like him
so much more than you like me?
283
00:12:27,333 --> 00:12:30,208
Because you suck,
and Melon Ball's the shit.
284
00:12:30,291 --> 00:12:31,958
- Oh.
- Well, you did ask.
285
00:12:32,041 --> 00:12:34,208
Oh God, we have to take him
to Urgent Care!
286
00:12:34,291 --> 00:12:35,708
So, should we come with?
287
00:12:35,791 --> 00:12:39,250
No fucking way. Wait here till I get back.
288
00:12:39,333 --> 00:12:42,000
- But...
- And don't touch anything.
289
00:12:42,791 --> 00:12:45,166
Oh, Andrew, we're gonna
touch everything, right?
290
00:12:45,250 --> 00:12:47,833
It's a strange lady's home.
What choice do we have?
291
00:12:47,916 --> 00:12:51,125
Oh, maybe this is where
you'll get your dick stuck in something.
292
00:12:51,208 --> 00:12:52,083
Aha.
293
00:12:52,166 --> 00:12:55,208
Perhaps there's a napkin ring
with my name on it.
294
00:12:56,291 --> 00:12:58,333
- [groans]
- Jessi, I never thought I'd say this,
295
00:12:58,416 --> 00:13:01,625
but please stop trying to get my sister
to officiate a gay wedding.
296
00:13:01,708 --> 00:13:04,583
Hold on. Do your siblings
not know you're gay?
297
00:13:04,666 --> 00:13:07,250
I mean, have they spent
literally one second with you?
298
00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:10,916
[scoffs] They don't even know what gay is,
and my parents like it that way.
299
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,958
This is a real "don't ask, don't tell,
300
00:13:13,041 --> 00:13:15,083
don't have proper-fitting jeans"
kinda household.
301
00:13:15,166 --> 00:13:17,750
But don't you realize
how fucked-up that is?
302
00:13:17,833 --> 00:13:19,166
Uh, no doy.
303
00:13:19,250 --> 00:13:23,166
My parents accept that I'm gay,
but they still think it's a choice,
304
00:13:23,250 --> 00:13:25,541
and they don't want their other kids
to make that choice.
305
00:13:25,625 --> 00:13:27,416
That's not how being gay works.
306
00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:28,791
Ma'am, I know that.
307
00:13:28,875 --> 00:13:30,250
Matthew, come look!
308
00:13:30,333 --> 00:13:33,791
It's the wedding of two forks,
just like Jessi said.
309
00:13:33,875 --> 00:13:35,166
They're kissing.
310
00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:39,500
Oh, I still fucking hate Brittany,
but I can't lie, that is hot.
311
00:13:39,583 --> 00:13:42,250
- D-D-Don't show Mom and Dad that, okay?
- Hey!
312
00:13:42,333 --> 00:13:46,750
- Just do a normal fork and spoon wedding.
- Matthew, do you even hear yourself?
313
00:13:46,833 --> 00:13:50,208
My mom is gonna think I'm, like,
trying to recruit her or something,
314
00:13:50,291 --> 00:13:54,500
and then it's sayonara,
off to Kirkland Signature Conversion Camp.
315
00:13:54,583 --> 00:13:55,833
It's actually not that bad.
316
00:13:55,916 --> 00:14:00,666
I get my eyeglasses there,
and I crave dick way less than I used to.
317
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:05,416
Okay, you look for the drugs,
I'm gonna go smell her hamper.
318
00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:06,666
Holy shit.
319
00:14:06,750 --> 00:14:10,500
Oh, don't tell me you found the drugs
before I got to smell her towel.
320
00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:12,750
I think these are the same shrooms
321
00:14:12,833 --> 00:14:15,291
- that Honeydew gave Judd.
- [sniffs] Um...
322
00:14:15,375 --> 00:14:17,458
And if we eat them,
girls will come a-running?
323
00:14:17,541 --> 00:14:20,708
- I think that's how it works.
- Uh, I don't know, Nick.
324
00:14:20,791 --> 00:14:23,125
- [gags] Tastes like the Earth.
- You just did drugs!
325
00:14:23,208 --> 00:14:25,958
That's right, I did.
Who's a whiny little bitch now?
326
00:14:26,041 --> 00:14:27,541
Not you. You're a badass.
327
00:14:27,625 --> 00:14:29,041
And you're a badass too,
328
00:14:29,125 --> 00:14:31,750
- so sit down in this antique wicker chair...
- Okay.
329
00:14:31,833 --> 00:14:33,833
...and eat this beautifully wrapped truffle.
330
00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:36,166
Here we go.
I'm eating this chocolate as a child,
331
00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:38,625
but I'll be pooping it out as a man.
332
00:14:38,708 --> 00:14:41,333
And I will be pooping it out as blood.
333
00:14:41,416 --> 00:14:43,625
Oh Rick, I've begged you
to go to the doctor.
334
00:14:43,708 --> 00:14:46,250
Nah, man.
I'm afraid about what he's gonna say.
335
00:14:46,333 --> 00:14:50,041
Wh... Why does it smell like food in here?
It's supposed to smell like shit.
336
00:14:50,125 --> 00:14:54,458
Well, if you must know,
I'm making my famous Fritota for Kurt.
337
00:14:54,541 --> 00:14:57,916
It's Fritos, eggs,
and a fuck-ton of ketchup.
338
00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,750
Aww, your signature dish?
339
00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:03,041
Yeah, we're gonna hardcore French
and then swap food gums.
340
00:15:03,125 --> 00:15:07,125
Okay, look, this whole charade with Kurt
is just to drive me crazy.
341
00:15:07,208 --> 00:15:11,541
But guess what? It's not gonna work
because I'm already crazy.
342
00:15:11,625 --> 00:15:12,750
Get real, sis.
343
00:15:12,833 --> 00:15:15,541
You can't stop thinking
about my hot little eggs
344
00:15:15,625 --> 00:15:17,791
in your blood relative's mouth.
345
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:20,916
Wrong! I don't give a shit
where you put your eggs anymore.
346
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,833
- That's a honking load of crap!
- Oh, it's true.
347
00:15:23,916 --> 00:15:29,291
I hardly ever think about
your thick stinky feet all up in my mouth.
348
00:15:29,375 --> 00:15:33,625
Oh yeah? Well, I seldom think
about your jacked walnut arms
349
00:15:33,708 --> 00:15:38,125
lifting me up over your head
like I'm a bag of fucking feathers.
350
00:15:38,208 --> 00:15:42,041
Sounds like we're on the exact same page.
351
00:15:42,125 --> 00:15:45,500
Agreed. We absolutely despise each other.
352
00:15:45,583 --> 00:15:49,416
Just like Elmer Fudd
and that hot slut rabbit.
353
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:52,916
- You fucking wascally skank.
- [alarm beeping]
354
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,041
Oh crap, my Fritota's on fire!
355
00:15:55,125 --> 00:15:56,041
Mine too, babe.
356
00:15:56,125 --> 00:15:57,583
No, really!
357
00:15:57,666 --> 00:15:59,916
- [screams] Put it out! Put it out!
- Ah! [grunts]
358
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,083
- What the hell is going on?
- Whoa! Uh, nothing?
359
00:16:03,166 --> 00:16:07,041
- You guys starting fires without me?
- Yes! I mean no.
360
00:16:07,125 --> 00:16:11,041
I mean, I don't want to fuck Bugs Bunny.
Who said that? You know what? I gotta go.
361
00:16:11,125 --> 00:16:12,125
That's right, Jay.
362
00:16:12,208 --> 00:16:16,375
I'm so deep in your skull,
I'm basically an amygdala.
363
00:16:16,458 --> 00:16:18,500
[laughs maniacally, snorts]
364
00:16:18,583 --> 00:16:19,916
[Barbara] Wow, look at us.
365
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,833
We're in hot pursuit,
just like Rizzoli & Isles.
366
00:16:22,916 --> 00:16:25,458
Check Andrew's coordinates again
and drop a pin for me, will ya?
367
00:16:25,541 --> 00:16:27,083
Oh Diane, I would love to,
368
00:16:27,166 --> 00:16:29,208
but I couldn't possibly know
what that means.
369
00:16:29,291 --> 00:16:32,208
Ugh, fine. Just hold on to your tits.
370
00:16:32,291 --> 00:16:34,000
[Barbara screams]
371
00:16:34,083 --> 00:16:37,333
- Hey, Nick, do you feel anything yet?
- Not really. What about you?
372
00:16:37,416 --> 00:16:38,333
No.
373
00:16:38,416 --> 00:16:43,250
Although I will say this,
I seem to be melting into the couch.
374
00:16:43,333 --> 00:16:46,583
Oh, the air. I can, like, see it.
375
00:16:46,666 --> 00:16:49,000
Oh, it's shimmery.
376
00:16:49,083 --> 00:16:51,833
Andrew, I think we're high on drugs.
377
00:16:51,916 --> 00:16:53,958
Does this make us badasses?
378
00:16:54,041 --> 00:16:58,125
I don't feel bad, I feel good.
379
00:16:58,208 --> 00:17:00,791
Maybe you guys should be goodasses?
380
00:17:00,875 --> 00:17:03,125
You ever wondered, Rick,
why being an asshole
381
00:17:03,208 --> 00:17:04,875
is supposedly a bad thing?
382
00:17:04,958 --> 00:17:09,500
Yes. If you did not have an asshole,
you would be full of shit.
383
00:17:09,583 --> 00:17:11,875
Aw, that's deep.
Come here. Give me a kiss.
384
00:17:11,958 --> 00:17:13,541
Pucker up, baby.
385
00:17:13,625 --> 00:17:15,375
[man] Hey, fuck face.
386
00:17:15,458 --> 00:17:18,583
- [Nick] Judd?
- Did you take the drugs?
387
00:17:18,666 --> 00:17:21,750
I did. I'm sorry, Floor Judd.
388
00:17:21,833 --> 00:17:22,708
Quit whining.
389
00:17:22,791 --> 00:17:25,750
I know. I'm a whiny little bitch,
390
00:17:25,833 --> 00:17:27,625
but I don't wanna be.
391
00:17:27,708 --> 00:17:32,166
Hey, I believe you can be someone
who doesn't suck.
392
00:17:32,250 --> 00:17:33,541
- Really?
- Really.
393
00:17:33,625 --> 00:17:37,708
Aw, I love you, Floor Judd.
I wanna give you my whole heart.
394
00:17:37,791 --> 00:17:39,291
[heart beating]
395
00:17:39,375 --> 00:17:41,291
- Sick.
- [Andrew] Nick?
396
00:17:41,375 --> 00:17:43,125
I just discovered something
397
00:17:43,208 --> 00:17:46,125
while I was trying on
all of Honeydew's caftans.
398
00:17:46,208 --> 00:17:48,583
We are all extensions of the universe,
399
00:17:48,666 --> 00:17:51,083
- and death is not to be feared.
- [doorbell rings]
400
00:17:51,166 --> 00:17:52,875
Someone's at the door.
401
00:17:52,958 --> 00:17:55,250
[gasps] Maybe it's God.
402
00:17:55,333 --> 00:18:00,000
Oh, I would love to meet God.
He's so famous.
403
00:18:00,083 --> 00:18:01,916
Should we give God my heart?
404
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:05,250
Oh, yeah, that seems
like the kind of thing God's into.
405
00:18:05,333 --> 00:18:07,708
What the fuck? Where's Honeydew?
406
00:18:07,791 --> 00:18:09,875
Oh shit! God, don't smite us!
407
00:18:09,958 --> 00:18:11,583
I said, where's Honeydew?
408
00:18:11,666 --> 00:18:12,666
[both] Buh...
409
00:18:12,708 --> 00:18:16,541
Jesus Christ, are you kids high?
And who the fuck even are you?
410
00:18:16,625 --> 00:18:18,250
I'm Judd's brother.
411
00:18:18,333 --> 00:18:22,125
And I am but a child of the Earth
wearing a silken caftan.
412
00:18:22,208 --> 00:18:23,208
Hello, God.
413
00:18:23,250 --> 00:18:24,583
I'm not fucking God.
414
00:18:24,666 --> 00:18:26,000
I'm Honeydew's supplier,
415
00:18:26,083 --> 00:18:27,625
and she owes me two grand!
416
00:18:27,708 --> 00:18:30,125
[roaring]
417
00:18:30,208 --> 00:18:33,166
Okay, now this feels like a drug deal.
418
00:18:33,250 --> 00:18:34,708
[man roars]
419
00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:36,250
We're home!
420
00:18:36,333 --> 00:18:39,750
And we brought you kids shirts
from the Wonder Bread factory.
421
00:18:39,833 --> 00:18:43,083
They're made of leftover bread,
so don't wear them in the rain.
422
00:18:43,166 --> 00:18:45,291
Or go anywhere near ducks.
423
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:47,500
Oh, breadshirts. Thanks.
424
00:18:47,583 --> 00:18:48,583
Mommy, Daddy,
425
00:18:48,625 --> 00:18:50,875
- did you know that boys can marry boys...
- Brittany!
426
00:18:50,958 --> 00:18:52,166
...girls can marry girls,
427
00:18:52,250 --> 00:18:54,625
and a cocktail fork
can marry a potato peeler?
428
00:18:54,708 --> 00:18:57,000
Okay, so now she's an ally?
429
00:18:57,083 --> 00:18:59,541
That is some performative-ass bullshit.
430
00:18:59,625 --> 00:19:02,500
Sweetie, where did you hear that?
431
00:19:02,583 --> 00:19:06,083
Oh, I'm sorry.
I think I wasn't supposed to say it.
432
00:19:06,166 --> 00:19:10,500
Oh, no, it's me. It's my fault.
I'm... I'm the one who made the forks kiss.
433
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:13,750
Yeah, Jessi wasn't aware
of our family's gag order
434
00:19:13,833 --> 00:19:15,291
around everything queer.
435
00:19:15,375 --> 00:19:17,541
It's not a "gag order."
436
00:19:17,625 --> 00:19:21,875
We just don't think the kids
are old enough to know about S-E-X.
437
00:19:21,958 --> 00:19:25,166
Well, you don't worry about S-E-X
when they're watching The Little Mermaid
438
00:19:25,250 --> 00:19:26,458
and she marries Prince Eric.
439
00:19:26,541 --> 00:19:29,916
You can't have S-E-X with a mermaid.
They don't have a lady hole.
440
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,500
But if it were Prince Eric
marrying Sebastian,
441
00:19:32,583 --> 00:19:34,041
suddenly it's all about sex.
442
00:19:34,125 --> 00:19:36,875
Oh, Matthew,
we spell that word in this house.
443
00:19:36,958 --> 00:19:40,750
[groans] My point is,
it's not S-E-X you're uncomfortable with,
444
00:19:40,833 --> 00:19:42,041
it's G-A-Y.
445
00:19:42,125 --> 00:19:43,416
Not in front of the kids!
446
00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:46,541
That's right,
because I'm not to be discussed.
447
00:19:46,625 --> 00:19:50,708
God forbid Brittany and Jamie Lynn
and Toby and Keith know
448
00:19:50,791 --> 00:19:54,041
their brother is a fork
who likes other forks!
449
00:19:54,125 --> 00:19:57,375
- Son, now, that is not how it is.
- Well, that's how it feels.
450
00:19:57,458 --> 00:19:58,833
Oh, sweet mercy.
451
00:19:58,916 --> 00:20:02,333
Kids, why don't you go
into the kitchen and, um...
452
00:20:02,416 --> 00:20:03,500
um, eat your shirts?
453
00:20:03,583 --> 00:20:06,958
You couldn't just let the fork
marry a spoon, huh?
454
00:20:07,041 --> 00:20:10,250
- What's the matter with you?
- I was trying to do social justice?
455
00:20:10,333 --> 00:20:12,000
On a Saturday?
456
00:20:12,083 --> 00:20:13,000
[objects clatter]
457
00:20:13,083 --> 00:20:15,250
Every month
I gotta come over here and get it.
458
00:20:15,333 --> 00:20:18,125
You can't rely
on someone with a trust fund!
459
00:20:18,208 --> 00:20:19,375
[man yells]
460
00:20:19,458 --> 00:20:20,625
[roars]
461
00:20:20,708 --> 00:20:22,375
Where's my fucking money?
462
00:20:22,458 --> 00:20:25,750
Oh, we're never gonna stop being high.
463
00:20:25,833 --> 00:20:29,416
Uh, sir, I've given you $15
in traveler's checks.
464
00:20:29,500 --> 00:20:31,041
What else do you want from us?
465
00:20:31,125 --> 00:20:34,208
I don't wanna be a tushy anymore.
466
00:20:34,291 --> 00:20:36,333
Stay clenched. Stay strong.
467
00:20:36,416 --> 00:20:38,916
- [roars]
- [Nick and Andrew scream]
468
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,750
- Oh God, please don't kill us.
- [sobbing]
469
00:20:40,833 --> 00:20:44,166
My doctor says I have
an abnormally large amount of blood.
470
00:20:44,250 --> 00:20:45,333
It'll make a total mess.
471
00:20:45,416 --> 00:20:48,333
All right, that's it.
I'm putting you idiots in the closet.
472
00:20:49,041 --> 00:20:51,625
Get away from our boys.
473
00:20:51,708 --> 00:20:53,625
Time to die, sex pervert.
474
00:20:53,708 --> 00:20:57,125
- Mom!
- Mommy, I'm nude under here.
475
00:20:57,208 --> 00:20:59,875
What the fuck is this?
I just wanted my money.
476
00:20:59,958 --> 00:21:03,833
- [grunts]
- What the hell were you doing to our sons?
477
00:21:03,916 --> 00:21:06,958
Were you about to sell their bodies
to a Russian crime boss
478
00:21:07,041 --> 00:21:09,416
and then auction them off
in a poorly-lit basement?
479
00:21:09,500 --> 00:21:10,333
- What?
- Tell us!
480
00:21:10,416 --> 00:21:12,541
I'm not a sex trafficker,
I'm a drug dealer.
481
00:21:12,625 --> 00:21:14,916
- Oh God.
- Barely. I sell shrooms!
482
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,958
- And he's not talking porcinis, baby.
- Oh no.
483
00:21:18,041 --> 00:21:21,958
Look, it's my heart.
I don't know how to put it back in.
484
00:21:22,041 --> 00:21:24,958
- Uh, Nicky, that's a bran muffin.
- [squeals]
485
00:21:25,041 --> 00:21:27,958
Oh my God, are you two high?
486
00:21:28,041 --> 00:21:30,041
- What?!
- I no longer have my underwear.
487
00:21:30,125 --> 00:21:32,083
You gave our sons mushrooms?
488
00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:34,750
No, I didn't. I swear.
They were high when I got here.
489
00:21:34,833 --> 00:21:39,166
How do you live with yourself,
selling drugs, threatening kids?
490
00:21:39,250 --> 00:21:41,541
What does your mother
think of your line of work?
491
00:21:41,625 --> 00:21:43,625
I... Well, I'm not sure.
492
00:21:43,708 --> 00:21:46,416
I-I haven't really talked to my mother
in a very long time.
493
00:21:46,500 --> 00:21:49,041
What do you mean you don't call
your mother? Shame on you!
494
00:21:49,125 --> 00:21:50,583
It's just... I don't know.
495
00:21:50,666 --> 00:21:53,166
After college,
we started talking less and less,
496
00:21:53,250 --> 00:21:55,166
so I just sort of stopped calling.
497
00:21:55,250 --> 00:21:57,000
Oh, well, that's some bullshit.
498
00:21:57,083 --> 00:21:59,750
She's probably thinking about you
every day.
499
00:21:59,833 --> 00:22:03,375
Oh my God, you're right.
I'm gonna go call my mom right now.
500
00:22:03,458 --> 00:22:04,916
Yeah, run away, bitch!
501
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:06,291
You saved us!
502
00:22:06,375 --> 00:22:10,791
And really, knowing we disappointed you,
it's punishment enough?
503
00:22:10,875 --> 00:22:12,916
Uh-uh. You two are fucked.
504
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,920
- [groans]
- You have the right to remain silent.
505
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,375
Anything you say
can and will be used against you.
506
00:22:17,458 --> 00:22:19,458
- [whimpers]
- And where is your underwear, Mister?
507
00:22:19,541 --> 00:22:24,208
I flushed it in the toilet,
and it made sense at the time.
508
00:22:24,291 --> 00:22:25,708
[crickets chirping]
509
00:22:25,791 --> 00:22:29,500
[groans] Goddamn it.
Kurt's doing it all wrong.
510
00:22:29,583 --> 00:22:33,125
You need to use your teeth to get
those delicious corns off the foot cob.
511
00:22:33,208 --> 00:22:35,750
Uh, hey, babe, I, um, got you something.
512
00:22:35,833 --> 00:22:36,916
A present?
513
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:41,916
You hear that, whomsever jealous people
may be watching this lovely scene?
514
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,458
[grunts] I stole you this stop sign
515
00:22:44,541 --> 00:22:47,541
because, Lola, you make my heart stop.
516
00:22:47,625 --> 00:22:52,291
Oh my God! How did you know
my love language is "do crimes for me"?
517
00:22:52,375 --> 00:22:53,791
Yes! I knew you'd like it.
518
00:22:53,875 --> 00:22:56,583
Oh shit. This is so romantic.
519
00:22:56,666 --> 00:22:59,791
- I think Kurt, like, really likes her.
- [Luda whimpers]
520
00:22:59,875 --> 00:23:01,333
Well, that's it, Luda.
521
00:23:01,416 --> 00:23:04,958
Even if I do still have
an emotional boner for Lola,
522
00:23:05,041 --> 00:23:08,083
I gotta tuck it into my waistband
until it gets soft.
523
00:23:08,166 --> 00:23:09,000
[barks]
524
00:23:09,083 --> 00:23:11,000
Feelings. Feelings. Feelings.
525
00:23:11,083 --> 00:23:15,791
How do I tell Jay
that I, too, have feelings for Lola?
526
00:23:15,875 --> 00:23:19,666
Hey, guys, I just want you to know
I'm really happy for you...
527
00:23:19,750 --> 00:23:20,833
Who the fuck cares?
528
00:23:20,916 --> 00:23:23,125
...and I bless this union.
529
00:23:23,208 --> 00:23:24,083
Wait, what?
530
00:23:24,166 --> 00:23:26,541
Don't you wanna fight him
right in front of me
531
00:23:26,625 --> 00:23:28,583
while I whip nickels at your back?
532
00:23:28,666 --> 00:23:31,625
And Kurt, not to tell you your business,
533
00:23:31,708 --> 00:23:34,708
but you really should be getting
her feet in your mouth, man.
534
00:23:34,791 --> 00:23:36,625
I wish you both bliss.
535
00:23:36,708 --> 00:23:38,208
- [sobbing]
- Fuck you, Jay.
536
00:23:38,291 --> 00:23:42,291
I don't want bliss, I want erotic chaos!
537
00:23:42,375 --> 00:23:43,208
[crickets chirping]
538
00:23:43,291 --> 00:23:45,458
- Yep, that's right, kids.
- Huh?
539
00:23:45,541 --> 00:23:48,458
Sir Elton and that other fella
are married forks,
540
00:23:48,541 --> 00:23:51,208
and Ellen and Portia are married spoons.
541
00:23:51,291 --> 00:23:56,000
And you know, some forks get dressed up
in leather and go to special clubs,
542
00:23:56,083 --> 00:23:58,416
and that's interesting to your dad.
543
00:23:58,500 --> 00:24:01,333
What, uh...
What are you guys talking about in here?
544
00:24:01,416 --> 00:24:05,291
Well, son, we were just explaining
to the kids what it means to be gay.
545
00:24:05,375 --> 00:24:09,750
And how that's what you are,
and how we love you so much.
546
00:24:09,833 --> 00:24:12,625
And how I wish
your little clubs had windows.
547
00:24:12,708 --> 00:24:14,250
Some of us are curious.
548
00:24:14,333 --> 00:24:15,833
Right.
549
00:24:15,916 --> 00:24:19,458
And also how if any of you all are gay,
550
00:24:19,541 --> 00:24:22,583
we'll love you
just as much as we love Matthew.
551
00:24:22,666 --> 00:24:25,083
All right. Well, you're certainly trying.
552
00:24:25,166 --> 00:24:26,250
Love you, Matthew.
553
00:24:26,333 --> 00:24:28,541
Aw. I love you too, Brittany.
554
00:24:28,625 --> 00:24:31,250
Okay, I-I-I know I'm tripping balls,
555
00:24:31,333 --> 00:24:35,333
but I think I finally figured out
my problem with Brittany. [sobs]
556
00:24:35,416 --> 00:24:37,000
She reminds me of my mother...
557
00:24:37,083 --> 00:24:39,583
- All right, Maury.
- ...who I fucking hate.
558
00:24:39,666 --> 00:24:41,666
[sobbing]
559
00:24:41,750 --> 00:24:44,166
- [Andrew babbling]
- [grunts] Come on, help me out.
560
00:24:44,250 --> 00:24:47,833
Honestly, Nicky, I don't even know
what to do with you anymore.
561
00:24:47,916 --> 00:24:50,500
Oh, Andrew, getting reamed out
by your mommies
562
00:24:50,583 --> 00:24:53,166
while you're still tripping is no bueno.
563
00:24:53,250 --> 00:24:57,250
How did you even get to Brooklyn?
And why do you know a drug dealer?
564
00:24:57,333 --> 00:24:59,500
- Uh...
- [Diane] I want details now, Mister.
565
00:24:59,583 --> 00:25:00,458
Oh shit.
566
00:25:00,541 --> 00:25:03,916
Well, Mrs. Birch,
first we snuck into the trunk of... Ow!
567
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:05,958
We snuck into the trunk of an Uber,
568
00:25:06,041 --> 00:25:08,750
and then we found the drug dealer on Yelp
all by ourselves...
569
00:25:08,833 --> 00:25:10,500
- No... Ow!
- ...with no help from anyone.
570
00:25:10,583 --> 00:25:12,750
Oh. Yeah, that's what happened.
571
00:25:13,875 --> 00:25:14,916
[grunts softly]
572
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,208
Ugh, just get in the goddamn car.
573
00:25:17,291 --> 00:25:19,916
You know, even though today was mad sus,
574
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,416
I learned a few dank lessons
along the way.
575
00:25:22,500 --> 00:25:24,125
Okay, reel it in, Barbara.
576
00:25:24,208 --> 00:25:26,541
What can I say? I'm cheugy. [laughs]
577
00:25:26,625 --> 00:25:30,208
What do you think the deal is
with Judd and the Melons?
578
00:25:30,291 --> 00:25:33,083
Honestly, we may be better off
never knowing.
579
00:25:33,166 --> 00:25:34,166
[phone chimes]
580
00:25:35,625 --> 00:25:36,750
[chuckles]
581
00:25:37,625 --> 00:25:41,500
Oh man, my tank's almost empty.
Keep your eyes peeled for a cum station.
582
00:25:41,583 --> 00:25:43,791
Okay, I'll keep it peeled.
583
00:25:43,875 --> 00:25:46,458
- [Rick groans]
- Ooh, wow, Ricky baby.
584
00:25:46,541 --> 00:25:49,125
I think it's time to fuck the sun.
585
00:25:49,208 --> 00:25:51,458
[Maury] You took the words
right out of my sphincter.
586
00:25:51,541 --> 00:25:54,000
[Rick] Drugs. Are. Goooood.
587
00:25:54,083 --> 00:25:57,041
[Maury] Hey, kids,
don't listen to Rick, okay?
588
00:25:57,125 --> 00:26:00,041
♪ Take the load off your mind
Ride the mighty glory ♪
589
00:26:00,625 --> 00:26:04,041
♪ Listen to my story
Ride the mighty high ♪
590
00:26:04,125 --> 00:26:08,625
♪ Take the load off your mind
Ride the mighty glory ♪
591
00:26:08,708 --> 00:26:12,041
♪ Listen to my story
Ride the mighty high ♪
592
00:26:12,125 --> 00:26:16,625
♪ Take the load off your feet
Hear what I'm sayin' ♪
593
00:26:17,125 --> 00:26:20,458
♪ Hear what I'm sayin'
It'll set your mind at ease ♪
594
00:26:21,125 --> 00:26:25,041
♪ I was just a man
A lonely man indeed ♪
595
00:26:25,125 --> 00:26:28,625
♪ God took all my troubles
Yes, he did, he set me free ♪
596
00:26:28,708 --> 00:26:33,041
♪ Take the load off your mind
Ride the mighty glory ♪
597
00:26:33,125 --> 00:26:37,041
♪ Listen to my story
Ride the mighty high ♪
598
00:26:37,125 --> 00:26:40,041
["Mighty High"
by Mighty Clouds of Joy playing]
599
00:26:44,291 --> 00:26:45,291
Chirp.