[in German] …or to fuck it.
Oh shit, Connie. You sound different.
Also, "shit" is such a great word in German.
Shit, shit, shit.
[in Japanese] Why would Netflix spend all that money hiring actors and translators
if people around the world aren't all going through changes?
Huh, I had no fucking idea.
Wow, I sound like a stud in Japanese.
Well, wait until you hear yourself in…
[in Italian] Italian.
Mamma mia!
Is the whole episode going to be subtitled?
-Yeah! -I don't want to read TV.
I want to read my phone while watching TV.
SOUTH KOREA
[in Korean] "So good, you'll suck out every drop."
Here's what I'm thinking.
The bottle is your dick, and the hot lady is--
-Sucking out my Chum Churum? -Yum, yum.
Okay, I have exactly two minutes and fifteen seconds
before I leave for school.
So stroke that squid!
Ye Joon, eat your breakfast now.
We have to go. You have a very busy day.
Oh, come on! Every day is a busy day.
Don't worry, Bong Man.
I swear on my mom's annoying life
we'll find two minutes and fifteen seconds to jerk off today.
We better! It's not healthy to bottle up your boy juice.
That's how my uncle died.
-Really? -Nah, it was cancer.
One milliliter is equal to one cubic centimeter…
How can you concentrate? All I can think about is that soju vixen.
I know. Me too.
This flask contains seven hundred milliliters of sodium sulfate…
…and I want to suck out every drop.
-Oh. -Oh boy, I think she's thirsty.
I'm so thirsty.
And so wet.
-Oh, I'm gonna burst. -Quick! Ask to go to the boys' room!
Uh, Soju Vixen--
I mean, Teacher.
I need to go to the bathroom.
Go away! We're all jerking off!
This is the only time we have!
No!
No, we'll jerk it after school.
Ye Joon, the object of your erection is here!
Help, I'm all out of soju, and I need something else to drink.
I'm literally dying to jerk off,
but Mom and Grandma are right here.
Your mom's busy driving, and your grandma's brain is gone. Come on!
I guess it could work.
And maybe even be more exciting?
Ew, don't be gross about it.
We're here. Go, go, go!
Hello, maestro.
Dear God, she's between my legs!
Rub her with your desperate little penis!
Hello, Ye Joon.
Just let me drain my balls!
Privacy at last.
Yes! I'll get the hand cream.
The good stuff from your mom with the bee venom in it.
Oh, my precious boy.
I'm gonna give you the biggest,
squishiest wet dream ever.
Yeah. Sleep in it, you little piggy.
INDIA
[in Hinglish] What's going on?
It feels like an elephant is stomping around in my stomach.
What the…
That stuff got in all my holes.
I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm your Hormone Monstress, of course.
And I have wonderful news.
You are becoming a woman.
Congratulations.
Uh, what does that mean exactly?
It means a million things.
Come, take a ride with me, and I'll explain it with a song.
The braids have come undone
The young thang has come of age
The basket is now abloom
The little one is now a baddy
Let's throw a party, party Those hooters have blossomed
Uncles and aunties, aunties…
Did you hear? She's come of age.
Big, big, bad, bad She's a big baddy now
On the upper lip
On the lower hip
Hair, hair, hair, hair
Here, there, everywhere
Hair, hair, hair, hair
In the bedroom
In the washroom
Stains, stains, stains, stains
Underwear, under there
Stains, stains, stains, stains
Cheer up, girl
There's some joy in this gloom
Joy in my bum?
Periods are friends
That's why they call them chums
Aunties will distribute sweets
Uncles will give some gifts
No prayers, no temples
Take a break from it all
Don't oil those lamps, oil your scalp…
Wash your hair.
Big, big, bad, bad She's a big baddy now
Big, big, bad, bad
She's a big baddy now
Oh my God, it's everywhere! My underwear looks like a crime scene.
Don't worry. It should only last about five or six days.
Well, that's not so bad.
-Every month. -Oh.
For the next forty years.
Shit.
Will there at least be a fun song every time?
No. No, there will not.
[in French] My sweet Connie, the plight of woman is
tragic in every culture.
Oh damn, I sat on the Apple remote, and it went in deep.
While I figure out this piece of shit, let's go to Australia.
IRAN
[in Farsi] Nazanin! Wash your sweet parts.
Okay, Maman. I will!
We paid full price for that new bidet.
I told you I will!
Hey there. That felt nice, right?
Yeah, it felt like taking the first bite of ice cold faloodeh,
but like, on the inside?
Does that make sense?
Mm. So much sense. Wanna go again?
Oh! Hell yeah!
Blast me like one of your French girls.
Nazy, I have to take a big dump!
Shit, I gotta go. Grandpa has to take a big dump.
Oh, I see.
Also, are you hungry, mooshi? I have cucumbers.
One second, Grandpa.
Do you think there are other things around the house
that can give me "that feeling"?
I don't know. I just live here, with the toilet.
But you're young. You should go out and explore.
Thank you, Bidet.
And I'll always be here,
attached to the plumbing.
Good luck with Grandpa.
Mm, what else here could make me feel like I have fireworks in my sweet parts?
Nazanin, come straddle my arm.
I think you'll find I'm firm in all the right places.
Oh, I don't know. You're too fancy.
I wouldn't want to stain or tear you.
You can tear me, honey.
Oh, yikes. You're too gross.
No, thanks.
Mmm, now this is nice.
Oh, I'm so glad.
Yeah, I think just another minute of thinking about dicks and butts and--
Uh-oh!
It's time for the spin cycle!
Oh! You're too rough!
I'm sorry. It hurts me too.
My existence is hell!
Oh my God. Are we really gonna do this?
I know. It's weird.
I was your eighth birthday present.
-I've watched you grow up… -Right.
…into a beautiful young woman.
Oh my God, Bike.
Oh shit! This is too crazy!
My fucking sweet parts!
Nazy! Are you okay, Joonam?
Wait. If you're here, that means the bathroom is free!
My bidet.
My Nazanin.
I was worried you wouldn't come back.
Oh, I was a fool. Are you mad at me?
I could never stay mad at you.
It's you. It was always you.
I know. Come to me, my love.
-Oh, my bidet! I love you. -Oh. Ohh.
My bidet.
BRAZIL
[in Portuguese] Oh my God, isn't Gonçalo so hot?
Yeah, but he's not six-hour-bus-trip hot.
I can't believe we have to drive all the way to São Paulo
just so you can have your first gay kiss.
Could you imagine what would happen
if somebody told my family they saw me kissing a boy?
Oh, well, they'd disown you, like they did to your gay uncle, Homo.
That's not his name. That's just what my mom calls him.
Right, because your mom is a bigot.
But she's so pretty.
Dude, it's been two hours.
I don't think Gonçalo's coming.
He told me he'd be here in front of the big weird McDonald's,
so he'll be here.
That's how internet strangers work.
Maybe he chickened out?
Got afraid somebody he knows would see him with a guy?
Rafael? Carlos?
Mayra, hi.
What are you two assholes doing here?
We're just here to get some French fries.
Yeah, at this big weird McDonald's
that looks like the American White House for some reason.
Mm-mm. Wait a minute.
Two boys acting sneaky wearing skinny jeans?
You two are gay!
Who? Us? No! We love futebol!
And floppy boobs?
The floppier, the better.
Relax.
I'm gayer than both of you put together and shoved up each other's butts.
-Really? -Rafael was supposed to meet a boy here,
but he stood him up.
He still might come.
He's not coming!
Mayra, what should two young gay boys on a budget do in São Paulo?
Oh, so you wanna be gay, huh?
So gay!
Then grab your dicks and follow me.
This is Frei Caneca Street.
It's the place to be if you're queer, curious,
or just want a cheap knockoff Louis Vuitton bag.
Gonçalo's still not responding, João.
Who cares, man? Look around!
The colors, the people, the fanny packs.
It's like we've died and gone to a gay Churrascaria,
and it's all-you-can-eat penis!
Wow.
Forget about Gonçalo.
You're missing everything.
Whoa! Mayra's making out with an entire beach volleyball team.
Okay, you bump me, you set me, and then you spike me.
Come on! Let's dance like fabulous queer men on a budget.
Okay, fine. I'm coming.
Isn't this great?
Yeah. But I never got my first kiss.
Ugh, stop whining, dude.
You want a first kiss? Here!
I hope Gonçalo shows up now,
because I unapologetically love drama.
Okay, now that was a hot first kiss.
This is so magical, and look.
Everyone from the big weird McDonald's showed up.
Okay, I'm gonna let the Hamburglar pull my G-string to the side
and do whatever the fuck he wants.
KENYA
[in Kenyanese] All right, make room, everybody!
Right this way, baby.
That matatu looks so fun.
It's got cool music.
And look at those cute boys!
I think you're ready to stop looking and start riding.
I don't know.
Come on!
Now that your boobs have finally come out,
they should be bouncing around that fuck bus.
I mean, I guess I do feel kinda sexy.
That's what I'm talking about. Now come.
Let's squeeze ourselves into the matatu with those matitties!
Okay, but we can't let my grandma see me like this.
Of course, darling.
I'll be back soon, Grandma.
Okay, my dear. Stay out of trouble.
Little does she know, you are the trouble.
Quick, squeeze your nipples so they're extra pointy.
Ooh, hey. This way, pretty lady.
No, follow me.
Oh my God, I feel like Beyoncé.
Sweetheart,
Beyoncé would never ride a bus.
It's even cooler than I imagined.
-And all the boys are looking at me. -Of course they are.
-Your nipples are like drill bits. - Sharon?
-What do you think you're doing? -Grandma?
Where are your manners? Have you no class?
Have you no shame?
Who are you?
I'm your Shame Wizard, of course.
What do you want from me?
There's nothing a disgusting slut like you could offer me.
Hey! She is not a disgusting slut.
She is a sexy slut.
Suck on an exhaust pipe and die, you sex monster!
-Nichi! -Look at you, putting on a skin show,
showing off your wanton bosom for dirty boys to ogle.
I wasn't. I was just--
Bringing shame to your family? Agreed!
Sharon, how did we wrong you?
And to your country.
You're a national disgrace.
[in Kenyanese] Stop the bus, please! I need to get off!
Sharon?
What's wrong, my dear?
Grandma, I'm a disgusting whore and a national disgrace.
She made Don Cheadle weep.
What?
I rode a matatu, and I wore this.
Grandma, I'm so ashamed.
Oh, my dear child.
I'm so sorry.
Owning the sexiness of your womanhood is nothing to be ashamed of.
-For real? -Trust me.
-Grandma! -A family of skanks.
I finished knitting it this morning.
And, you know, it's been so long since I've been on a matatu.
Damn! Your grandma's got moves.
I didn't know she was such a cool old lady.
Enjoy shaking your bum for now, but I'll be back.
Whenever you feel bloated,
whenever you let a fart escape your slutty little hole,
I'll be back.
Well, you have to leave to come back, girl, so…
-Bye-bye! -Goodbye!
-[in Swedish] Hello. -Nice to meet you.
SWEDEN
[in Swedish] Okay, Astrid's here!
Oh, Niklas, we're so excited to finally meet your girlfriend.
Ooh! Perhaps Astrid will be your first sexual experience?
Which we, of course, encourage you to do under our roof.
Okay, look at me, you two.
Be fucking cool. Okay?
You got it, dude.
Oh yeah. So fucking cool, man.
They are gonna ruin my night.
'Sup, Astrid.
This is my father, Doctor Ambjörn,
and my mother, Doctor Ambjörn.
-They came with the house. - Thank you for having me.
Oh, Astrid, you are so respectful.
I can see why Niklas is infatuated with you.
Mama!
I think his nervousness is an indication he hopes to open mouth kiss you.
If you would enjoy that, Astrid.
Oh, I might.
Can we please just eat?
Yes, of course.
You cannot satisfy each other on an empty stomach. Mmm.
So, how do you two intend to sexually explore each other tonight?
-Uh… -Pappa! They're joking.
I don't mind. My parents are Norwegian.
They don't even know how to pleasure themselves.
Oh, Norwegians.
I should call your mother and recommend small circular motions on her clitoris.
-Mamma! -Niklas, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
Sex is a natural part of life.
Please, please, please stop.
Astrid, do you know the importance of foreplay?
Mmm, foreplay should last at least as long as it takes
for your partner's lingonberry to become engorged.
What the fuck?!
Some people mistakenly believe you need to spell out the alphabet
on the clitoris with your tongue.
But Mamma's genitals just like it when I spell ABBA over and over.
Okay. That's enough.
-And once Mamma is sufficiently wet… -And Pappa's penis is stiff with blood…
…it is time to unfurl the prophylactic
so insertion may begin.
-Stop it! -Stop what?
Methodically describing sex!
Why can't you be ashamed like Norwegian parents?
Niklas, it's totally cool.
No, it's not. They're freaks.
We're just trying to educate you.
Well, you're ruining my date!
Actually, you're ruining it.
Ugh, I didn't realize you were so very repressed, Niklas.
I guess I'll just have to go home
and make small circular motions on my clitoris by myself.
But Astrid, wait!
Hey, man, sorry I'm late.
I was making small circular motions on my butthole,
and I just lost track of time.
You know how it is, baby.
That's right, baby.
I am here with a lit firecracker up my ass for the Fourth of July.
Well then, why did I stick a rocket up my ass?
[in Spanish] My grandfather
Has hair
Everywhere
My uncle Pedro
He leaves hair
In the tub
And clogs the tub
-My cousin Chiqui -Chiqui
-In her bikini -Kiki
Hair pokes out
It looks like springtime
-And I stay -Stay
Before my mirror
Imagining
What I don't see
Here waiting for little hairs
Below my bellybutton, but no
Here waiting for little hairs
In my own nest, but no
Oh God, when will it get here?
Almost the whole world has it
I check below the penis
And only find my balls
Waiting for little hairs Here in my little room
Tell me, when will you arrive?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
I'm finally here And bringing the party
Like an astronaut on the moon
Here on virgin territory
And I bring good fortune
A snake in the Garden of Eden
The Garden of Eden
The first little gift in Bethlehem
Oh my goodness, poor thing Checking his peepee and little balls
They look tiny
Now innocence ends
Yah, yah, yah, yah
And the party starts, hey
And here comes the evidence
Yah, yah, yah, yah And the party starts, hey
Hair down, hair up
Hair on the chest, hair on the belly
Hair for free, don't pay a toll
Hair, not Pelé He plays in FIFA
And I am the curvy hair That grows next to the left tit
And I am the prettiest hair
That grows out of your asshole And traps your shit
And I am the straight hair In your unibrow
Super long and ugly
And we are the hair in your perineum But we always smell like farts
-Olé -Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
-Olé -Look at this little kid
He already looks like a little man
Now innocence ends
Look at this little kid
He already looks like a little man
Now begins adolescence
Look at his little mustache
He already looks like a little man
Oh God, when will it get here?
Almost the whole world has it
I check below the penis…
Waiting for little hairs
Here in my little room
Little hair, when will you arrive?
And then let's order a pizza!
[in Spanish] Hair down, hair up
Hair on the chest, hair on the belly
Hair for free, don't pay a toll
Hair, not Pelé He plays in FIFA
And I am the curvy hair That grows next to the left tit
And I am the prettiest hair
That grows out of your asshole And traps your shit
And I am the straight hair In your unibrow
Super long and ugly
And we are the hair in your perineum But we always smell like farts
-Olé -Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
-Olé -Look at this little kid
He already looks like a little man
Now innocence ends
Look at this little kid
He already looks like a little man
Now begins adolescence
Hey, hey…
Oh God, when will it get here?
Almost the whole world has it
I check below the penis…
Waiting for little hairs
Here in my little room
Tell me, when will you arrive?