What do you mean say the question out loud?
Oh, how do I feel about graduating middle school?
Not too shabby.
I leave here with a vague understanding of photosynthesis
and the respect of my peers.
[Caleb] Have you seen your superlative in the yearbook?
Oh, not yet. What did I get?
"Class Clown"? "Biggest Flirt"? [purrs]
[Caleb] You did not.
I'm the "Grossest Human"?
It doesn't even say "in the class." It just says "Grossest Human."
-[Caleb] The people have voted. -[groans]
They sure have, and it's unanimous. Andrew's incredibly gross.
Stay tuned throughout the week for more parting words from the class of 2023.
And don't forget, our final show will be live from graduation
in our un-air-conditioned gym.
-The temperature will be 96 degrees. -So please wear deodorant.
And none of that Tom's of Maine shit, people.
Put some aluminum on your armpits!
["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]
♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪
[songs fades]
Nicholas.
Uh-oh, they're using your Santa Claus name.
This sounds serious.
Parents, look, I get it.
I really messed up sneaking into the city and taking shrooms,
and there should be consequences.
Oh, we completely agree.
So what are we thinking? Ground me a week, but after three days,
you give up and let me do whatever the fuck I want?
-That sounds tough but fair. -Nice try.
Young man, you're heading down a path that reminds us of Judd.
And there can only be one Judd,
or eternal darkness will consume the Earth.
So we're thinking next year, you need a fresh start
at Cobblestones Academy.
That snobby private school? No way!
-We called them, told them our net worth… -What?
-…and you're visiting today. -No.
And I promise you, you're gonna love it.
No, I'm gonna hate it! I wanna go to high school with my friends.
Yeah! We wanna be with Stan and Cartman and Towelie!
This is bullshit!
It's true I've kissed my fair share of slimy frogs in middle school,
but I finally met my prince, Elijah.
With him by my side, there's nothing I can't handle.
Except maybe if we had a kid and it drowned.
I can't see us coming back from that.
Is that too dark?
-[Caleb] Yes. -Yeah, okay, fair. That's fair.
[device chimes]
Ooh, a new email!
Maybe it's a summary of all your Venmo transactions.
I hope it's a foreign prince asking for money.
-I love being needed. -[gasps]
It's from Duboise Christian School for Christian Boys.
Uh, didn't Duboise put my boy on da waitlist?
-Yeah, behind all da other boys. -Well, open it.
"Dear Elijah, due to one of our students discovering there is no God,
a spot in the freshmen class has opened, and we'd like to offer it to you."
-I got in! -Yes! I'm gonna shit my pants!
Da boys are going to Duboise!
-Oh no, but what about Missy? -Da girl?
Yeah. I promised her we'd be a team next year.
-How do I tell her? -O-Okay, hear me out.
You have a kid, it drowns,
and then Duboise seems like small potatoes compared to da trauma.
[sighs]
Yeah, pretty stoked I got voted "Sexiest Child."
I'm a hot kid with no point of view, so, yeah, it feels deserved.
Congratulations, Charles Lu.
Wishing you the best for the rest of your sexy childhood.
And… we're clear.
[sighs] Can you believe we only have one show left?
Until next year, when we will have 144 morning shows,
assuming there are no snow days.
Oh, Cay-Cay, I'm not doing the morning show in high school.
I have to save my precious voice for the…
♪ Bridgeton High Quee-Choi ♪
-Okay. -Plus, I've said all I have to say.
I don't want to overstay my welcome like The Office after Steve Carell left.
I said okay!
[grunting]
Yikes! I guess some people really love The Office.
-[school bell rings] -Hi, Ali. Will you sign my yearbook?
Sure. "You look like a Mario Brother, and I'm gonna miss you next year."
-How come you're gonna miss me? -Um, because we're graduating?
Oh yeah, me too. Yeah, I'm also graduating.
Um, you're definitely not, Coach Steve.
Yeah, I don't know what's going on.
But hey, as long as nothing changes
and all my friends stay right here with me,
I'll totally be graduating.
-Oh boy. -This is humiliating.
I cannot believe my legacy is gonna be "Grossest Human."
I think it's a compliment.
You're the GOAT, Andrew, the Grossest of All Time.
No, this is not how I shall be remembered.
I shall go person-to-person, apologize profusely,
and then, years from now,
everyone will remember the redemption story
of the good boy Andrew.
-Are you sure? -Ooh, I'll apologize to Jessi.
-Jessi? -Hey, Andrew.
I would like to apologize profusely for, how do I put this delicately,
just two-handing my schlong
while picturing you biting your lip in that red bra.
Ew. Uh, I didn't know you did that.
Well, I did do that,
and for that, and all my other unsavory shenanigans, mea culpa.
-Okay. -I have made amends.
Go forth and tell others I am no longer gross.
-Wait, is this about the yearbook? -The "smear book," I call it.
[scoffs] Who cares what all these assholes think?
After tomorrow, we're out of here.
Yeah, fuck this place! It smells like a straight man's butt hole.
-[Jay] Gah! -Jay! Hi. Got a second for me to grovel?
[grunts] I can't talk right now, Andrew.
I gotta study for my bio final so I can graduate.
Did you know that humans don't lay eggs? Ladies poop out entire people!
All right, I'm gonna count that as an apology. Who else?
Of course, there's the little guy. You know, your "school husband."
-You know, I haven't seen Nick all day. -So much to apologize for though.
Oof, should I make a list?
It might be easier if you make a list of things you haven't done.
-You haven't fucked his dog, right? -No. Though he doesn't have a dog.
Great. "Hasn't fucked little guy's dog."
Okay, everybody,
we have a prospective student joining us today.
Let's have some big Cobblestones snaps for Nick Birch.
-[students snap fingers] -No snaps, please.
I'm just humoring my parents. I am not coming here.
Well, you do you, 'cause that's our whole philosophy here at Cobblestones.
-[students snap fingers] -Okay, again, don't need to know that.
Not gonna go here. Okay.
[whispers] Hey, new kid. Over here.
Put a cannoli in my holey.
That girl's even prettier than your mommy.
Sorry, are you talking to me?
[scoffs] Yeah, hon. Do me a fave and grab that girl's phone for me.
Oh, I, uh-- I don't think--
Don't worry, she's my bestie. I'm just doing a little prank on her.
Oh, well, I'm actually a bit of an impractical joker myself.
Oh, cute. So you'll help me out, babe?
She called you babe.
That'll do, pig. Oinky, oinky.
Oh, dang, my pencil. You know I gotta pick that up.
Nicely done.
Excuse me, the visitor kid needs to piss. Shall I show him where the bathroom is?
-Great initiative, Danni. -Come on.
-Oh! All right, Danni. -[students snap fingers]
[sighs] I'm really gonna miss you when you're at Bible Camp this summer.
[nervous chuckle] Yeah. Yeah, me too.
Well, she's really gonna miss you
when she finds out you're not going to high school together!
Elijah, you gotta just blurt it out,
and before she can say anything, pretend you get a phone call.
Okay.
Hey, I got off the waitlist at Duboise Christian School for Christian Boys,
-and I'm not going to Bridgeton High. -What?
Oh, I gotta take this. Hello, this is Elijah. You found me.
But he was supposed to be our security blanket.
Are you crudding kidding me, Elijah?
Oh shit, she's mad.
Damn right she's mad.
You two better fix this
before I rip off your dick and shove it up Joe's asshole.
Hmm. Seems like a good deal for old Joe.
I know this wasn't our plan, but we can still be together.
How?! Duboise is like four Starbucks away from here!
We could hang out after school. We could do our homework together.
-Every day. -Really? Every day?
And, um, on the weekends, we-- we could have picnics.
I do love eating where dogs shit.
And maybe we could even write each other long romantic letters?
"Dear Missy, I know we can make this work."
"Dear Elijah, it's already working."
"Dear Evan Hansen, what does your dick look like, mm?"
Honestly, I'm worried I'm never gonna graduate
and everyone will leave me behind.
Who am I gonna be friends with then?
That ugly little shit-eater over there with the rock-solid bod?
Hey, what the fuck are you looking at, asshole?
[Caleb] You are talking to your own reflection.
Don't you fucking point at me.
Ugh, can you believe I ever lusted after that rabid mutt?
I do not want to talk shit with you. Let's finish our work.
Okay, I was just making conversation.
Why? I thought you've said all you have to say.
-Caleb, are you upset with me? -Yes, I am.
Is it about me not doing the morning show in high school?
Yes.
So what? Am I supposed to do something I don't want to just to keep you company?
-Yes. -You stop copying me!
Fuck you, man! No, fuck you, man! No, let me talk!
[breezy jazz music plays]
Okay, give it to me.
Whoa, Danni, "Give it to you"? Take me out to dinner first, huh?
Oh. Well, I'm sorry. Pretty please, Short King?
Rick, did you hear that? She called me a short king.
Congratulations, Your Tiny Majesty.
[mimics playing fanfare]
-Can I please have the phone now? -Yeah, okay.
One stolen cell phone, milady.
Oh, merci beaucoup.
Oh.
Yes! I'm in. She still uses her birthday. Dumbass.
So, uh, what's the prank?
I'm sending a text to myself from her phone
so it looks like she's threatening me.
-[chuckles] -Okay.
"Danni, I'm going to squeeze every last breath…
-[Nick] Oh. -…out of your fugly bitch body,
you dead cunt."
Oh-ho! "Dead cunt."
I don't think I, uh… I don't think I get the joke.
Well, Theresa was my bestie,
but now she's hooking up with the guy I've been hooking up with.
Ugh. This asshole, Travis.
Fucking Travis.
So obviously, I have to get Theresa expelled now.
This seems crazy, right? Why am I still going along with this?
Because she's hot and naughty,
and being naughty makes your sad little pecker hard and purple.
It really does.
[chuckles] I'm sorry.
Are people actually saying they're gonna miss middle school?
That's borderline psychotic.
Middle school is famously the worst time of your life.
That's the whole show. That's what we're doing.
[Caleb] Please do not break the fourth wall.
We just had it repaired.
[Matthew] Ugh, Caleb is being totally unreasonable.
I mean, he wants me to do his thing just to make him happy?
-What are we, a straight couple? -[scoffs] No, but you are friends.
I guess.
Oh, come on. Remember your birthday?
He got you that Cameo from the Selling Sunset lady.
Uh, Mary Fitzgerald. Yeah, Jessi, she has a name.
My point is,
while you weren't paying attention, you might've become Caleb's best friend.
Oh. Whoa.
-Lars, hi. Feel my hand. It's Andrew. -Leave me alone.
I get it. You're still mad at me for pulling you out of your wheelchair
and demanding you walk.
But great news,
I apologize for that, so I'm not gross.
-Choke on shit, Glouberman. -Yours or mine?
I'm open to either.
I'll be your toilet boy.
Just tell people I'm not gross.
[bell tolls]
[sobbing] I can't believe anyone would threaten my life like this.
I didn't send those texts. Who even says "fugly"?
You can see her number right there.
Don't gaslight me, Theresa!
Whoa, dude, she's amazing. I, like, almost believe her.
Believe women,
especially when they're super-duper pretty.
Is this your number, Theresa?
-Yes, but I didn't send that. -Then let's see your phone!
-I don't know where it is.I lost it. -Oh, well, that's convenient.
You send me violent messages,
you make threatening gestures to me in the hallway--
Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's a lie.
The visitor kid saw it. Tell them, Nick.
Is that true, Nick?
Uh, yes. I saw it. Mm-hmm. For sure.
-Sorry, who the fuck is this kid? -He's an ally.
Well, I do my best. Believe women, et cetera.
Theresa, you know we don't tolerate
-this kind of behavior at Cobblestones. -[snaps fingers]
You'll need to attend anti-bullying workshops this summer
if you wish to return in the fall.
For what it's worth, I forgive you, Theresa.
-I hope you learn from this. -Are you kidding me?!
[grunts]
-Oh my God, Rick, I think I'm in love. -[door slams]
Me too. That headmaster really knows how to lay down the law.
Learn! Learn!
Jay! My best friend who is a child. Will you sign my yearsbook?
Uh, not now, Steve.
I gotta study for my bio final so I can graduate.
Oh sure. You're graduating, Ali's graduating, I'm graduating.
Quick question, what's graduating?
Oh, wow. How do I explain graduation?
Can you do a drawing or hide it in a spoonful of peanut butter?
Ooh, okay. So it's kinda like the Knicks…
-Cool. -…and us kids, we're like Patrick Ewing…
My former boss.
-…John Starks… -Inconsistent.
-…and all those other players. -Awesome.
Can I be Marv Albert without the tushy biting?
What? No. No, no, no.
-You're the coach, Jeff Van Gundy. -Stan's brother?
Because after all those players left, he stayed behind without them.
So I'm gonna be all alone?
Of course not! There's gonna be new players.
B-B-But I-I don't want new players.
Why are you ademdeming me, Jay?
What? No! I'm not abandoning you, Steve. I'm just trying to graduate.
B-B-But I'm not graduating! [sobs]
Don't graduate without me!
[sobbing]
Yeah, so, it won't be the same as going to school together, obviously,
but I am really excited for those romantic letters.
Sure.
I actually might even spray perfume on my stationery like a wartime bride.
Yeah, I mean, it sounds like you guys are gonna be… totally great.
Hold on. Why did she pause like that?
Yeah, are we not gonna be "totally great"?
Well, perhaps we should look into the future, darling.
-We can do that? -Of course! I'm fucking magic!
You know, I always forget that,
with all your cursing and lewd gestures and stuff.
When are we?
You mean when are we--
Oh, no, sorry, you did it right.
We're one year into the future.
Holy guacamole, is that me?
So, tell me,
have you and Elijah been doing the whole "romantic letters" thing?
Well, I wrote him one about how much I missed him
and my heaving bosom,
but then I realized I didn't have any stamps.
Then send him an email!
She can't hear you.
And perhaps you did send an email. Let's take a look.
-New York City? When? -[distant horns honking]
Ten years into the future.
Sweet bazonga! My knockers are huge!
Right. I always forget your mom has big tits.
Wait, here comes Elijah.
Is that Missy Foreman-Greenwald?
Oh my goodness.
Missy! [chuckling]
Oh, um, this is my girlfriend, Leslie.
-Girlfriend? -Okay, I hate her.
By the way, I know it's forever ago,
but I really did mean to send you a letter.
I meant to send you one too.
[both] But I didn't have stamps.
Has nobody ever heard of stamps.com?! They deliver them right to your door!
Well, it was so great running into you, Missy.
That's it? We have no future together?
If it's any solace,
you'll be able to devote more time and energy to the twins.
Are you talking about my chest?
Yes, darling. Tia and Tamara.
Oh my God. Is this for, like, a movie?
[Caleb] No, it is for the news.
Hard pass.
Hey, thanks for helping me frame my friend.
Oh, no problem. I mean, we really ruined that girl's summer.
[laughs]
Listen, I know Cobblestones, like, totally sucks…
Totally. Sucks a dirty man's dick. [chuckles]
That's too much, right?
…but I don't know,
it might be really cool if you came here next year.
Rick, did you hear that?
That you wanna suck a dirty man's dick?
No. I think maybe Danni likes me.
[horn honks]
-Oh fuck, that's my ride. -Well, you should text me sometime.
Totally, but it'd be hard to text you since I don't have your number.
Or your phone.
-[laughs] -Oh!
See you later, Nick Birch.
Yeah. See you later, Nick Birch.
Well? What do you think?
Um, it's kind of a scary school,
but it's also, like, very beautiful, and I think I'm in love with it?
-So? -Yeah, I'm going to Cobblestones.
Aw, shit! Booty fatter than a pear! Your Hormone Monstress Megan is here. Ah!
Megan, what the fuck are you doing? I know who you are.
All right, simmer down, hottie. This is for the people.
It's a big motherfuckin' deal they got me on the show.
Well, if you're done, what'd you think of that Nick kid?
-The little cutie with the big-ass lips? -He's funny, right?
-I mean, he does what you ask. -I don't hate that.
But does he get your pussy wet?
Oh my God, we just met!
-Is that all you care about? -Uh, duh, bitch. A hundred percent.
Hey, Danni.
Oh. Hello, Travis.
Ooh shit.
Now Travis, he giving that kitty-cat a bath.
-Meow. Meow. -Ugh.
Shouldn't you be with Theresa?
I heard what you did to her. That shit is hilarious.
-[laughs] -Her summer's fucked.
Yeah, and she was supposed to go to Belize. Oops. [laughs]
Hey, wanna watch my lacrosse practice?
Fuck yeah! Let's flood that field with your punani tsunami, girl.
I mean, I guess I could watch.
Wet pussy makes me hungry.
[eating sounds]
[birds chirping]
Caleb, can we talk?
No, thank you.
I know you're disappointed we're not gonna keep doing the morning show,
but that doesn't mean we can't still be friends.
-Yes, it does. -Why?
Because I only see you when we're working on the show.
Oh. Well, then we'll just have to find something else to do together.
I like studying maps.
Okay, or we could, uh,
have coffee together every Saturday morning?
It'll be our own special time.
Every third Saturday of the month, I have map club.
Okay, but otherwise?
I will have coffee with you.
Wonderful.
Now let's go give the people one last great show.
I think people just want the show they've always tuned in for.
Okay.
I can't believe our gross little kids are graduating.
It seems like just yesterday
I taught Andrew how to tuck his boner into his waistband.
He came right into his own belly button.
[sobs] I'm gonna miss these days.
Oh, come on, Maury. They're just going to high school.
And Jessi's right. This place is a fart in a box.
Well, this is it, dear Jessi.
After everything I've done for everyone,
I'll be remembered only as the grossest human.
Just put me in a cage at the zoo,
and I'll pull feces out of my bright red ass.
Chill out. It's middle school, and it's over.
We didn't even get a chance to apologize to little what's-his-name.
Yeah, where is Nick?
Oh God, Rick.
How am I gonna break the news I'm not going to high school with them?
I think you just gotta rip off the Band-Aid, man,
nice and slow.
Um…
-Hey, guys. -Hey, Nick. Where you been?
There you are.
Hey, I need to force you to listen to apologies.
Here, I've made a list.
Actually, before you do, I have something kind of weird to tell you guys.
Okay. So what is it?
So my parents made me visit, um,
Cobblestones Academy yesterday.
What? Why?
Because they, like, want me to go there next year.
But you're going to high school with me, right?
-Well, actually… -Oh, don't say it, Nick.
Oh my God. Are you going there?
I don't know, but kinda. Maybe. Yes?
He's deserting you. How could he do this to us?
You took the best years of my life!
Oh God, these have been the best years of your life?
Look, I went there planning to hate it,
but then, when I got there, there was this girl--
[mocking] "Then there was this girl." Okay.
He met a girl! Does she know your favorite snacks?
-Andrew. -Does she got a cock like mine?
I know this is, like, really hard, and…
and I'm… and I'm so sorry.
You don't get to do that!
You don't get to do something shitty
-and then say you're sorry! -Okay.
I've spent this whole episode learning that lesson.
And Andrew hates learning lessons.
Ah, fuck this place!
We're here at the Bridgeton Middle graduation,
where everyone is wearing too much makeup or not enough.
And special congratulations to all you children of divorce
for being able to get a rare photo with both parents.
[masked principal] Welcome friends, family,
and Lola's mother's parole officer.
Hey, Lols, I got a shout-out!
Shut up, Rodney!
Just get ready to throw rice at me when I leave the gym.
[masked principal] I can tell none of you wore deodorant, so let's make this quick.
-Gina Alvarez. -[audience cheering]
Jay Bilzerian…
Yes! I did it.
[masked principal] …is not graduating.
What? No! Why would you say it like that?
Wait, Jay's not graduating?
[masked principal] But he can still graduate eighth grade if…
What? If what? Ah, just tell me, you masked fuck!
[masked principal] …if he attends summer school!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop the clock.
I teach summer school.
That means we can be on the Knicks together
for one more summer!
Run it back, Van Gundy!
Okay, this sucks, but could be good.
[groans]
-But also kinda sucks! -[masked principal] Welcome to life, kid.
Wait a minute, are you Richard Lewis?
[masked principal] I told you, I'm Roman Polanski.
Why doesn't anyone wanna believe that?
-Nicholas Birch. -[audience applauds]
-Go-Gurt Burglar. -[audience applauding]
-Missy Foreman-Greenwald. -[audience cheering]
-Devon Furtive-Oldman. -[cheering, applauding throughout]
Jessi Glaser.
Andrew Glouberman.
-I can't believe Nick is leaving me. -And all these people think you're gross.
It isn't fair.
After all you've given to this place.
The sweat, the tears, the B-minus effort.
-The mountains of jizz. -[Andrew] Eh!
-[masked principal] Hey! -You all call me the grossest human?
-Well, I say you're all gross. -[all gasp]
And every time I fart and jizz on things,
you all see a little bit of yourselves, and you can't stand it.
Told you we shouldn't have come, Barbara.
But guess what? No one's perfect.
Nick's a traitor, Jay's an idiot,
the Janssen Twins are for sure cannibals.
Oh, for sure.
You are powerless to stop us.
But do you know what the most fucked-up part is?
I'm gonna miss this stupid, shitty place.
This gym where we defeated the Shame Wizard. You remember that, guys?
Hmm, that's the first time I kissed Jay.
Oh, it sure was, Matt.
Remember when we were all superheroes for a minute? That was crazy.
This place really is filled with cherished memories.
-[students] Yeah. -Murmur in agreement.
That's right, Missy.
In fact, right there, right at that three-point line,
that's where you and I slow danced,
and I came hard in my pants.
-[all groan] -Come on, man.
Oh, you lost them, buddy.
So goodbye, Bridgeton Middle.
You won't have Andrew Glouberman to kick around anymore.
[sobbing] If you need me, I'll be in my gross cage at the zoo
taking dry shits out of a red ass.
Thank you.
-[Andrew sobbing] -[audience booing]
-[masked principal] Lump Humpman. -[panting]
Oh man, I feel kind of responsible?
Does that mean you're not gonna go to the fancy school with the pretty girl?
Oh no, I'm definitely going there. Just Andrew's gonna be really sad.
-Baby, are you crying? -[sobbing]
I know, what the hell?
What? From Andrew's deranged speech?
No!
I mean, maybe?
I guess I am gonna miss this shitty place, like, a little.
Oh, fuck, now you got me crying too,
right here, where that boy took a shit through that basketball hoop.
Remember that, Jessi?
Season two? Remember that shit?
Um… [sniffles]
-Kind of. -That was also so crazy!
He was just an extra!
[gentle piano music playing]
Um, will you FaceTime me when you get to Bible Camp?
Oh, we're not allowed to have any technology
-the ancient Israelites didn't have. -Oh.
Well, um, I-I admire the authenticity.
But maybe we can write letters?
Do you have any stamps?
No, but I'll get some.
[sighs]
We all know nobody's getting any stamps, right?
Is this it? Are they done?
I'm afraid so.
Oh man, that bites the big one.
It's been lovely working with you boys.
You have quite the little gentleman on your hands.
-And you got a real sweet girl there. -Joe, come on. Don't be gross.
What? [nervous chuckle] What'd I say? She's very sweet.
Ugh, Joe, stop it! You belong in jail!
Uh, d-did I miss something?
Is-- Is "sweet" not something I'm supposed to do with "girl" anymore?
For Christ's sake, Joe!
You're ruining the goddamn moment, you sicko.
Well, I'll see you in September.
Yeah, sure.
[Elijah sighs]
-Bye, Missy. -Bye, Elijah.
Oh. Oh, dang.
Come on, darling, into the future,
where your boobies are even bigger than your dreams.
Before I sign off for the last time,
I want to say an overdue thank you to the boy behind the camera,
and more importantly, my dear friend, Caleb.
You're so special to me, and I love you.
I'd say "until tomorrow," but this is it.
So, goodbye, Bridgeton Middle.
And we're clear.
You know, Caleb, I don't know if we've ever hugged each other.
I don't like to be touched,
but I'll allow it today.
-This is mostly for you. -I know.
Well, shall we?
We shall.
And that's a wrap on middle school.
["Thirteen" playing]
♪ Won't you let me Walk you home from school? ♪
♪ Won't you let me ♪
♪ Meet you at the pool? ♪
♪ Maybe Friday ♪
♪ I can get tickets for the dance ♪
♪ And I'll take you ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Won't you tell your dad "Get off my back"? ♪
♪ Tell him what we said ♪
♪ About "Paint It Black" ♪
♪ Rock 'n roll is here to stay ♪
♪ Come inside where it's okay ♪
[song fades]
Chirp.