1 00:01:25,409 --> 00:01:26,377 [vehicle approaching] 2 00:01:44,828 --> 00:01:45,561 [gun cocks] 3 00:01:45,962 --> 00:01:48,930 Oh, shit. Hey. Hey. What's... What's this all about? 4 00:01:48,932 --> 00:01:51,532 Hey. Whoa. This is about Randall, isn't it? 5 00:01:51,534 --> 00:01:53,335 Randall Graves? I could take you to him. 6 00:01:53,337 --> 00:01:54,469 Seriously, I can. 7 00:01:54,471 --> 00:01:56,506 Listen, guys, I'm not even supposed to be here today. 8 00:01:56,939 --> 00:01:59,374 [man over radio] One out of twelve. One out of twelve. 9 00:01:59,376 --> 00:02:00,675 - Gun. - [man over radio] Stand-by, 10 00:02:00,677 --> 00:02:03,744 suspects operating illegal marijuana dispensary 11 00:02:03,746 --> 00:02:05,981 inside baked chicken sandwich store. 12 00:02:05,983 --> 00:02:07,716 [chuckles] I love this shit. 13 00:02:07,718 --> 00:02:10,052 I finally get to arrest these motherfuckers. 14 00:02:10,054 --> 00:02:11,389 - [smoke grenade fires] - [glass shatters] 15 00:02:14,091 --> 00:02:16,027 [smoke hissing] 16 00:02:21,799 --> 00:02:23,764 All right, you motherfuckers. 17 00:02:23,766 --> 00:02:27,401 I know you're in there. Come out right now. 18 00:02:27,403 --> 00:02:28,406 - Yeah. - Woo. 19 00:02:35,012 --> 00:02:36,948 [screams] 20 00:02:39,983 --> 00:02:42,451 This is the Leonardo Police Department. 21 00:02:42,453 --> 00:02:43,285 You're under arrest 22 00:02:43,287 --> 00:02:44,953 for suspicion of drug trafficking. 23 00:02:44,955 --> 00:02:46,924 Drop your plants now. 24 00:02:48,891 --> 00:02:51,596 I said drop the motherfucking plants! 25 00:02:53,563 --> 00:02:55,566 I'm the boss. He did what the fuck I said. 26 00:02:58,836 --> 00:03:01,803 What the... I said plants, not pants. 27 00:03:01,805 --> 00:03:03,804 - There's nothing there, man. - That is a white dude. 28 00:03:03,806 --> 00:03:06,441 - What the fuck do you expect? - There's nothing there! 29 00:03:06,443 --> 00:03:07,909 What the fuck, Sarge? 30 00:03:07,911 --> 00:03:09,678 This son of a bitch doesn't have a dick. 31 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:13,582 He's got a fucking dick. He just got it tucked in. 32 00:03:13,584 --> 00:03:14,916 All right, Buffalo Bill. 33 00:03:14,918 --> 00:03:17,388 Where's your buddy? Mr. Silence of the Lambs. 34 00:03:18,087 --> 00:03:20,924 ["Goodbye Horses" by Q Lazzarus playing] 35 00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:26,460 Identify yourselves, motherfuckers! 36 00:03:26,462 --> 00:03:31,066 I'm Jay and this is my hetero lifemate, Silent Bob. 37 00:03:31,068 --> 00:03:34,970 ♪ Good-bye horses ♪ 38 00:03:34,972 --> 00:03:41,646 ♪ I'm flying, flying, Flying over you ♪ 39 00:03:48,419 --> 00:03:49,754 Home sweet home, right? 40 00:03:53,856 --> 00:03:57,995 Everyone say, "Yay, it's Jay and Silent Bob." 41 00:03:58,594 --> 00:04:02,596 - Well, just look at you two. - Who the fuck are you? 42 00:04:02,598 --> 00:04:04,733 I'm your lawyer. That's who the fuck I am. 43 00:04:04,735 --> 00:04:06,935 Did anybody ever tell you how a courtroom works? 44 00:04:06,937 --> 00:04:09,137 Okay. In the criminal justice system, 45 00:04:09,139 --> 00:04:10,805 the people are represented by two separate 46 00:04:10,807 --> 00:04:12,473 yet equally important groups. 47 00:04:12,475 --> 00:04:14,542 Dude, we've seen all the Law & Orders. 48 00:04:14,544 --> 00:04:17,178 Oh, me too. Dick Wolf is a genius. 49 00:04:17,180 --> 00:04:18,880 I just love all of his shows so much. 50 00:04:18,882 --> 00:04:22,487 In fact, my Grindr name is Dick Wolfer. Remember that. 51 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,553 Oh, I almost forgot. Before I represent you, 52 00:04:25,555 --> 00:04:27,925 I'm gonna need you to sign these legal documents. 53 00:04:29,860 --> 00:04:31,459 What? Read it first? 54 00:04:31,461 --> 00:04:33,627 I mean, come on. Who cares what that shit says? 55 00:04:33,629 --> 00:04:34,632 Just sign it. 56 00:04:35,531 --> 00:04:36,533 Yeah. 57 00:04:41,038 --> 00:04:44,738 I can't believe that worked. Well, perfection. 58 00:04:44,740 --> 00:04:46,640 I hope you're both prepared to go home today, 59 00:04:46,642 --> 00:04:49,144 because I am the best lawyer in showbiz. 60 00:04:49,146 --> 00:04:50,711 Seriously, I'm like the Dick Wolf 61 00:04:50,713 --> 00:04:52,613 of getting guys off with my mouth. 62 00:04:52,615 --> 00:04:56,517 But that's why you hired me, am I right? Or am I wrong? 63 00:04:56,519 --> 00:04:57,952 But we didn't hire you. 64 00:04:57,954 --> 00:05:00,056 - Small formality. - [bailiff] All rise. 65 00:05:06,963 --> 00:05:09,466 Thank you. Be seated. 66 00:05:10,901 --> 00:05:14,536 Docket number 37, People v. Jay and Silent Bob. 67 00:05:14,538 --> 00:05:15,872 Jay and Silent Bob are back? 68 00:05:16,874 --> 00:05:18,240 [groans] 69 00:05:18,242 --> 00:05:19,608 [bailiff] Charges are drug trafficking 70 00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:21,675 and running an illegal drug dispensary 71 00:05:21,677 --> 00:05:23,747 disguised as a chicken sandwich shop called... 72 00:05:24,514 --> 00:05:26,783 [bailiff chuckles, clears throat] 73 00:05:27,317 --> 00:05:28,750 - ...Cock Smoker. - [Judge Jerry chuckles] 74 00:05:28,752 --> 00:05:30,721 [laughs] 75 00:05:31,555 --> 00:05:32,557 Hello, boys. 76 00:05:33,057 --> 00:05:35,656 If you two are here, it must be a weekday, 77 00:05:35,658 --> 00:05:37,558 but this isn't a court appointed attorney. 78 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:39,229 I spy one of those lawyers you have to pay. 79 00:05:39,663 --> 00:05:41,962 How do your clients plead, Counselor? 80 00:05:41,964 --> 00:05:43,000 [lawyer clears throat] 81 00:05:44,100 --> 00:05:45,202 Not guilty, Your Honor. 82 00:05:46,168 --> 00:05:47,971 I guess the weed grew itself. 83 00:05:48,872 --> 00:05:49,874 People on bail? 84 00:05:50,607 --> 00:05:51,572 Hey, Jerry. 85 00:05:51,574 --> 00:05:54,743 - How you doing? - So we the people would hope 86 00:05:54,745 --> 00:05:57,514 that Your Highness would remand custody. 87 00:05:58,615 --> 00:05:59,714 Cool? 88 00:05:59,716 --> 00:06:02,017 And I imagine you see it all differently, Counselor? 89 00:06:02,019 --> 00:06:03,218 The Cock Smoker was neither 90 00:06:03,220 --> 00:06:04,853 eatery nor dispensary, Your Honor. 91 00:06:04,855 --> 00:06:06,691 It was merely a promotional pop-up shop. 92 00:06:07,790 --> 00:06:08,923 This affidavit is from a Hollywood 93 00:06:08,925 --> 00:06:11,892 motion picture company and this proves that my clients 94 00:06:11,894 --> 00:06:13,827 were nothing more than paid performers 95 00:06:13,829 --> 00:06:15,230 for a real world promotional stunt 96 00:06:15,232 --> 00:06:16,767 in support of a forthcoming movie. 97 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:19,069 - We are? - Yes. 98 00:06:19,769 --> 00:06:20,471 We are. 99 00:06:20,971 --> 00:06:23,305 So I ask that all charges be dropped since my clients 100 00:06:23,307 --> 00:06:26,074 - are so obviously innocent. - [Judge Jerry] Easy. 101 00:06:26,076 --> 00:06:28,043 They may be obvious but one thing I would not call 102 00:06:28,045 --> 00:06:29,514 these two is innocent. 103 00:06:30,047 --> 00:06:33,784 But for today, at least, they are not guilty. 104 00:06:34,350 --> 00:06:37,752 Jay and Silent Bob, you're free to go. 105 00:06:37,754 --> 00:06:38,956 - Case dismissed. - [bangs gavel] 106 00:06:39,790 --> 00:06:42,223 Holy shit. What the fuck just happened? 107 00:06:42,225 --> 00:06:45,596 I set you free, butterflies, as promised. 108 00:06:46,262 --> 00:06:47,864 Remember Dick Wolfer on Grindr. 109 00:06:51,134 --> 00:06:52,267 [bailiff] Docket number 38, 110 00:06:52,269 --> 00:06:56,040 Hollywood motion picture company v. Jay and Silent Bob. 111 00:06:59,242 --> 00:07:01,212 Who's here representing Hollywood? 112 00:07:02,812 --> 00:07:03,880 I am, Your Honor. 113 00:07:05,081 --> 00:07:06,147 What are you doing? 114 00:07:06,149 --> 00:07:07,082 [lawyer] This is only my second case of the day 115 00:07:07,084 --> 00:07:08,817 and to tell you the truth, the whole truth, 116 00:07:08,819 --> 00:07:10,050 and nothing but the truth... [scoffs] 117 00:07:10,052 --> 00:07:12,187 ...I already need a fucking drink. Jesus. 118 00:07:12,189 --> 00:07:13,721 Can we get this going, Counselor? 119 00:07:13,723 --> 00:07:15,656 As you can see, I have a ton of cases 120 00:07:15,658 --> 00:07:17,127 that we need to get through today. 121 00:07:19,329 --> 00:07:21,665 [lawyer] Absolutely, Your Honor. [clears throat] 122 00:07:22,132 --> 00:07:24,568 Your Honor, my client, Saban Films, 123 00:07:25,002 --> 00:07:26,935 is seeking an injunction against the defendants 124 00:07:26,937 --> 00:07:28,670 for copyright infringement 125 00:07:28,672 --> 00:07:32,106 of the trademarked intellectual property Jay and Silent Bob. 126 00:07:32,108 --> 00:07:33,808 Yo, this guy's lying, Your Honor. 127 00:07:33,810 --> 00:07:35,709 Me and Silent Bob don't own any property. 128 00:07:35,711 --> 00:07:38,312 We've never been intellectual about anything. 129 00:07:38,314 --> 00:07:40,350 Have your mouth take a knee. 130 00:07:41,250 --> 00:07:43,250 Saban Films. 131 00:07:43,252 --> 00:07:45,120 Didn't they make the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers? 132 00:07:45,122 --> 00:07:47,022 Oh, man. You ever see the one where the red ranger 133 00:07:47,024 --> 00:07:48,288 turns into the gold ranger? 134 00:07:48,290 --> 00:07:50,925 - Dope. - That was years ago, Your Honor. 135 00:07:50,927 --> 00:07:52,793 Now they're more of a multimedia company. 136 00:07:52,795 --> 00:07:56,397 Oh. Does the multimedia combine into a giant Megazord? 137 00:07:56,399 --> 00:07:57,598 Oh, shit. 138 00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,338 - [singing] ♪ Go, Power Rangers ♪ - Deep cuts, Your Honor. 139 00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:04,339 Anyhoo, last year, Saban Films acquired worldwide rights 140 00:08:04,341 --> 00:08:07,074 to the campy old Bluntman and Chronic movie 141 00:08:07,076 --> 00:08:11,983 - for about $3,700 on Craigslist. - They overpaid. 142 00:08:12,415 --> 00:08:16,183 So, now, all the underlying rights belong to my client, 143 00:08:16,185 --> 00:08:18,322 including, not only the titular characters, 144 00:08:18,822 --> 00:08:21,792 but their supporting secret identities as well, 145 00:08:22,492 --> 00:08:26,394 the registered trademarks of Jay and Silent Bob. 146 00:08:26,396 --> 00:08:30,067 Ergo, Your Honor, Saban Films owns their names. 147 00:08:30,901 --> 00:08:32,067 What? 148 00:08:32,069 --> 00:08:34,736 I said Saban Films owns your names. 149 00:08:34,738 --> 00:08:37,906 Is there any paperwork to back up a claim this wild, Counselor? 150 00:08:37,908 --> 00:08:39,110 Oh, yes, Your Honor. 151 00:08:39,844 --> 00:08:42,243 I present contracts signed by the defendants 152 00:08:42,245 --> 00:08:45,079 giving Saban Films total discretionary control 153 00:08:45,081 --> 00:08:47,081 over the names Jay and Silent Bob. 154 00:08:47,083 --> 00:08:48,785 That's the paper we just signed? 155 00:08:50,052 --> 00:08:51,688 Will the defendants please rise? 156 00:08:53,289 --> 00:08:54,891 Oh, shit. We're the defendants? 157 00:08:55,325 --> 00:08:59,326 This document confirms that Saban Films does indeed own 158 00:08:59,328 --> 00:09:02,162 the 2001 movie Bluntman and Chronic. 159 00:09:02,164 --> 00:09:05,032 What? That old ass star-studded piece of shit? 160 00:09:05,034 --> 00:09:07,301 That movie sucked balls. 161 00:09:07,303 --> 00:09:09,804 Not just balls. It sucked asshole too. 162 00:09:09,806 --> 00:09:11,506 Your Honor, I object. 163 00:09:11,508 --> 00:09:14,776 I'll allow it. That movie did suck balls and asshole. 164 00:09:14,778 --> 00:09:18,179 Jay and Silent Bob, you are hereby legally prohibited 165 00:09:18,181 --> 00:09:21,882 from calling yourselves Jay and Silent Bob ever again. 166 00:09:21,884 --> 00:09:23,184 [bangs gavel] 167 00:09:23,186 --> 00:09:25,887 You're out of order! You're out of order! 168 00:09:25,889 --> 00:09:28,922 This whole fucking court's out of order! 169 00:09:28,924 --> 00:09:29,993 Somebody wants an Oscar. 170 00:09:34,865 --> 00:09:38,302 ["Social" by Squirtgun playing] 171 00:09:39,970 --> 00:09:41,869 Why'd you move your store to the mall? 172 00:09:41,871 --> 00:09:43,807 [Brodie] Because apparently, I wanted to be alone... 173 00:09:44,541 --> 00:09:45,743 Snoogans. 174 00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:47,876 Nah, rent's just cheaper here, 175 00:09:47,878 --> 00:09:50,545 on account of the mall is slowly dying. 176 00:09:50,547 --> 00:09:53,147 The old girl's on her last legs, boys. 177 00:09:53,149 --> 00:09:55,819 So much so that you got to watch out for all the mall rats. 178 00:09:56,886 --> 00:09:58,386 I... I didn't see any kids here. 179 00:09:58,388 --> 00:10:00,988 No, I mean the actual rats we got running around 180 00:10:00,990 --> 00:10:02,956 this abandoned shithole of a mall. 181 00:10:02,958 --> 00:10:04,025 Hit the deck, boys. 182 00:10:04,027 --> 00:10:04,995 [rat squeaks] 183 00:10:05,595 --> 00:10:06,964 Let me get this straight... 184 00:10:07,798 --> 00:10:10,964 you guys got busted for running an illegal pot shop 185 00:10:10,966 --> 00:10:13,200 inside a fake chicken sandwich store 186 00:10:13,202 --> 00:10:16,204 and the Hollywood lawyer you didn't hire got you off, 187 00:10:16,206 --> 00:10:18,272 but then he somehow stole your names? 188 00:10:18,274 --> 00:10:21,475 And then the cops stole the weed we were working out for years. 189 00:10:21,477 --> 00:10:24,145 And all we got left from the best bud in the world 190 00:10:24,147 --> 00:10:26,314 are these three joints right here 191 00:10:26,316 --> 00:10:29,584 made from the flower of one of the three strains of gold. 192 00:10:29,586 --> 00:10:32,020 Huh. I knew you guys were weed dealers, 193 00:10:32,022 --> 00:10:34,088 but I never knew you were weed growers. 194 00:10:34,090 --> 00:10:35,055 Oh, we learned to grow 195 00:10:35,057 --> 00:10:37,525 from watching our favorite movie of all time, 196 00:10:37,527 --> 00:10:39,326 How High with Method and Redman. 197 00:10:39,328 --> 00:10:41,595 They're like the black Jay and Silent Bob. 198 00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:45,300 Holy shit. You guys still rent DVDs? 199 00:10:45,302 --> 00:10:46,903 Never heard of Netflix and chill? 200 00:10:47,671 --> 00:10:49,938 One time we Hulu and humped, right? 201 00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:52,239 But most nights, we Redbox and jerk off. 202 00:10:52,241 --> 00:10:54,077 So, how are you feeling about being busted? 203 00:10:55,211 --> 00:10:57,377 ♪ The car to drive What to drink ♪ 204 00:10:57,379 --> 00:10:59,546 ♪ Ignorant bliss No need to think ♪ 205 00:10:59,548 --> 00:11:02,150 ♪ As Barb cakes fetus On her face ♪ 206 00:11:02,152 --> 00:11:04,352 ♪ Ken sucks blood At his workplace... ♪ 207 00:11:04,354 --> 00:11:05,520 [phone dings and vibrates] 208 00:11:05,522 --> 00:11:06,954 ♪ They take from me... ♪ 209 00:11:06,956 --> 00:11:07,957 LOL. 210 00:11:09,592 --> 00:11:11,425 [Jay] And on top of that, the judge told us 211 00:11:11,427 --> 00:11:13,060 we weren't even legally allowed 212 00:11:13,062 --> 00:11:15,396 to be Jay and Silent Bob no more, 213 00:11:15,398 --> 00:11:19,003 because our names were bought by some assholes from Sbarro films. 214 00:11:19,535 --> 00:11:23,137 - You mean Sbarro's? - Yeah, those pizza-making fucks! 215 00:11:23,139 --> 00:11:26,907 All because of some stupid movie that was made 20 years ago. 216 00:11:26,909 --> 00:11:29,042 It's like, "Come on already, move on. 217 00:11:29,044 --> 00:11:31,112 The dishes are done, man." 218 00:11:31,114 --> 00:11:33,113 Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead. 219 00:11:33,115 --> 00:11:35,351 - A Keith Coogan classic. - Snoogans. 220 00:11:35,818 --> 00:11:39,119 Well, you know, fellas, I think your legal woes 221 00:11:39,121 --> 00:11:41,189 have less to do with the stupid old movie 222 00:11:41,191 --> 00:11:43,291 that came out 20 years ago, 223 00:11:43,293 --> 00:11:46,994 and more to do with the stupid new movie that's coming soon 224 00:11:46,996 --> 00:11:48,164 to a theater near you. 225 00:11:52,668 --> 00:11:54,268 [Brodie] Oh, come on. 226 00:11:54,270 --> 00:11:56,070 Don't tell me you guys have no idea 227 00:11:56,072 --> 00:11:58,138 there's a new comic book movie being made 228 00:11:58,140 --> 00:12:00,974 of the old comic book movie you two are the basis for. 229 00:12:00,976 --> 00:12:02,542 What, again? 230 00:12:02,544 --> 00:12:05,313 And look, they took away my dick and made me a girl. 231 00:12:05,315 --> 00:12:09,483 I cannot believe they're gonna remake this Bluntman bullshit. 232 00:12:09,485 --> 00:12:11,455 Uh, it's not a remake, it's a reboot. 233 00:12:13,423 --> 00:12:15,192 What the fuck is a reboot? 234 00:12:16,259 --> 00:12:18,292 Well, a reboot, boys, 235 00:12:18,294 --> 00:12:20,228 is when Hollywood wants to make a lot of money 236 00:12:20,230 --> 00:12:22,162 without the hassle of creating a new movie, 237 00:12:22,164 --> 00:12:24,531 so they take an old movie and change just enough 238 00:12:24,533 --> 00:12:27,267 to make you pay for the same shit all over again. 239 00:12:27,269 --> 00:12:30,504 - Those greedy fucking animals. - Oh, it's insidious. 240 00:12:30,506 --> 00:12:32,172 They take a flick you loved as a kid 241 00:12:32,174 --> 00:12:34,208 and add youth and diversity to it. 242 00:12:34,210 --> 00:12:37,210 For example, name the movie where a robot has secret plans 243 00:12:37,212 --> 00:12:39,414 that could help the good guys beat the bad guys 244 00:12:39,416 --> 00:12:41,281 and their leader in a black mask 245 00:12:41,283 --> 00:12:43,550 by blowing up a giant ray gun in space. 246 00:12:43,552 --> 00:12:46,554 - Star Wars. - No. The Force Awakens. 247 00:12:46,556 --> 00:12:49,393 See, now, that's what you call a reboot. Nang. 248 00:12:50,626 --> 00:12:52,026 I thought that was a sequel. 249 00:12:52,028 --> 00:12:54,462 Hollywood doesn't make sequels anymore. 250 00:12:54,464 --> 00:12:56,433 Shit, they don't even make squeakquels, yo. 251 00:12:57,267 --> 00:13:00,267 Studios have given up on new ideas entirely 252 00:13:00,269 --> 00:13:02,369 in favor of building multi-movie universes 253 00:13:02,371 --> 00:13:05,506 that breed brand-loyal customers from cradle to grave. 254 00:13:05,508 --> 00:13:08,008 So if you like Harry Potter, cashinigus, 255 00:13:08,010 --> 00:13:09,544 you're getting ten fucking more. 256 00:13:09,546 --> 00:13:11,378 You like The Fast and Furious flicks, 257 00:13:11,380 --> 00:13:14,515 we're gonna drive the franchise into the ground, bitch. 258 00:13:14,517 --> 00:13:17,451 Ooh, you want another Marvel movie, here we go. 259 00:13:17,453 --> 00:13:20,655 Hey, man, those Marvel movies are a triumph of cinema. 260 00:13:20,657 --> 00:13:24,224 I live on those Marvel movies. I live for those Marvel movies. 261 00:13:24,226 --> 00:13:26,426 I watch those Marvel movies more than I watch Pornhub, 262 00:13:26,428 --> 00:13:28,363 and I cum twice as hard doing it. 263 00:13:28,365 --> 00:13:31,232 - Dishes are done, man. - Look, all I'm saying is, 264 00:13:31,234 --> 00:13:33,633 if Hollywood doesn't start making some original flicks now, 265 00:13:33,635 --> 00:13:36,204 there's not gonna be anything to be reboot in ten years, 266 00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:37,675 then they'll just be rebooting the reboots. 267 00:13:38,107 --> 00:13:40,775 It's like we're reaching point break for pop culture, 268 00:13:40,777 --> 00:13:42,377 and it ain't gonna be the good Point Break 269 00:13:42,379 --> 00:13:45,345 with Swayz-dog and Keanu. It's gonna be the remake. 270 00:13:45,347 --> 00:13:48,549 Wait. What's the difference between a reboot and a remake? 271 00:13:48,551 --> 00:13:50,184 Well, I'm glad you asked, Jay, 272 00:13:50,186 --> 00:13:52,786 because a remake is like a reboot where the studio 273 00:13:52,788 --> 00:13:55,555 doesn't care how the audience feels about the original movie, 274 00:13:55,557 --> 00:13:58,258 so, they just keep the title, fuck up everything else, 275 00:13:58,260 --> 00:14:00,663 and ruin both flicks in the process, see? 276 00:14:01,398 --> 00:14:04,531 Which is probably what Bluntman v Chronic is gonna be, 277 00:14:04,533 --> 00:14:07,602 because the director of this impending abortion of cinema 278 00:14:07,604 --> 00:14:10,206 is none other than Kevin fucking Smith. 279 00:14:11,541 --> 00:14:13,708 - Who? - You know, the guy who directed 280 00:14:13,710 --> 00:14:15,675 that Bruce Willis winner, Cop Out. 281 00:14:15,677 --> 00:14:16,810 That queef. 282 00:14:16,812 --> 00:14:19,647 They still let him make movies after that walrus shit? 283 00:14:19,649 --> 00:14:21,214 What can I tell you, in Hollywood, 284 00:14:21,216 --> 00:14:22,517 people fail upwards. 285 00:14:22,519 --> 00:14:24,618 I fucking hate stupid Kevin Smith, 286 00:14:24,620 --> 00:14:27,557 first, he took away our names, then he took away my dick. 287 00:14:27,990 --> 00:14:30,190 Well, we gotta stop stupid Kevin Smith 288 00:14:30,192 --> 00:14:31,559 from making another shitty movie 289 00:14:31,561 --> 00:14:34,262 about Jay and Silent Bob ever again. 290 00:14:34,264 --> 00:14:37,000 Well, then, youse guys better get your asses to Chronic-Con. 291 00:14:39,101 --> 00:14:41,768 - And what the fuck is this shit? - [Brodie] Chronic-Con, 292 00:14:41,770 --> 00:14:44,539 when it started out, it was a homegrown fanfest for people 293 00:14:44,541 --> 00:14:47,208 who love that campy old Bluntman and Chronic movie 294 00:14:47,210 --> 00:14:49,079 with Jason Biggs and James Van Der Beek. 295 00:14:49,578 --> 00:14:52,546 Those guys, I saw them bitches get beat up by a monkey. 296 00:14:52,548 --> 00:14:54,147 But now, Chronic-Con's morphed 297 00:14:54,149 --> 00:14:56,117 into an annual pop culture convention. 298 00:14:56,119 --> 00:14:57,752 I don't know how you guys would even get in at this point. 299 00:14:57,754 --> 00:14:58,953 Tickets are already sold-out. 300 00:14:58,955 --> 00:15:02,355 Sold-out? After all these years, what kind of broken fucks 301 00:15:02,357 --> 00:15:05,628 still wanna watch this Jay and Silent Bob bullshit anyway? 302 00:15:11,267 --> 00:15:13,267 Well, enough to run an Omaze auction 303 00:15:13,269 --> 00:15:14,638 for a cameo in the reboot. 304 00:15:16,339 --> 00:15:18,442 Hey, man, it's me, Kevin Smith. 305 00:15:18,875 --> 00:15:19,643 You know, the filmmaker... 306 00:15:20,177 --> 00:15:24,112 Look at this ugly motherfucker, probably got a tiny dick too. 307 00:15:24,114 --> 00:15:26,280 Now, I got some big news for you, man, 308 00:15:26,282 --> 00:15:30,383 we are shooting a key sequence to Bluntman v Chronic 309 00:15:30,385 --> 00:15:33,186 at this year's Chronic-Con, man. 310 00:15:33,188 --> 00:15:34,722 This scene is so important. 311 00:15:34,724 --> 00:15:38,126 We cannot finish this movie without it. 312 00:15:38,128 --> 00:15:41,128 So enter right now and maybe I'll see you 313 00:15:41,130 --> 00:15:43,733 this Friday in Hollywood. 314 00:15:45,735 --> 00:15:47,236 Would you fucking stop? 315 00:15:47,669 --> 00:15:48,768 Dick. 316 00:15:48,770 --> 00:15:51,638 Hollywood, where we struck back, yo. 317 00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:54,374 Oh, you will never find a more wretched hive 318 00:15:54,376 --> 00:15:55,709 of scum and villainy. 319 00:15:55,711 --> 00:15:58,378 But that “director” just said they couldn't finish the movie 320 00:15:58,380 --> 00:16:00,781 without the scene they're shooting at this Chronic-Con. 321 00:16:00,783 --> 00:16:02,816 So all we got to do is get to Hollywood, 322 00:16:02,818 --> 00:16:04,852 stop him from shooting that scene and biggity bam, 323 00:16:04,854 --> 00:16:06,786 Kevin James can't finish the movie. 324 00:16:06,788 --> 00:16:08,555 Ke... Never mind. 325 00:16:08,557 --> 00:16:10,324 We got three days to get to Chronic-Con, 326 00:16:10,326 --> 00:16:13,560 take our names back, rescue my dick from Kevin James 327 00:16:13,562 --> 00:16:16,196 and stop this reboot from ever happening. 328 00:16:16,198 --> 00:16:19,499 Come on, Silent Bob, we're going back to Hollywood. 329 00:16:19,501 --> 00:16:21,604 And on that note, we cue the music. 330 00:16:22,538 --> 00:16:27,510 [imitating music] 331 00:16:33,615 --> 00:16:35,119 [woman] Have a great flight. 332 00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:40,720 Hi, there. Welcome to Southbest Airlines. 333 00:16:40,722 --> 00:16:42,323 How can I help y'all? 334 00:16:42,325 --> 00:16:44,724 “Y'all”? What kind of Jersey accent is that? 335 00:16:44,726 --> 00:16:46,526 I'm from South Jersey. 336 00:16:46,528 --> 00:16:48,396 Now, what can I do for y'all? 337 00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:49,863 Two tickets to Hollywood. 338 00:16:49,865 --> 00:16:53,370 In coach, I'm assuming. 339 00:16:55,337 --> 00:16:57,841 That'll be 337 a piece, boys. 340 00:17:04,780 --> 00:17:05,781 Oh. 341 00:17:06,950 --> 00:17:09,353 How about we start with y'all's names? 342 00:17:11,653 --> 00:17:15,222 I am Don Juan Dela Nooch. 343 00:17:15,224 --> 00:17:16,356 [chuckles] 344 00:17:16,358 --> 00:17:21,661 And this is Senor Roberto Silencio. 345 00:17:21,663 --> 00:17:23,430 Those names sound kind of made-up. 346 00:17:23,432 --> 00:17:26,467 Listen, lady, our real names are Jay and Silent Bob, 347 00:17:26,469 --> 00:17:27,735 - but this morning... - Yeah. 348 00:17:27,737 --> 00:17:30,403 ...Kevin James, The King of fucking Queens, 349 00:17:30,405 --> 00:17:31,738 stole those names. 350 00:17:31,740 --> 00:17:34,241 I can't book y'all under your fake names, 351 00:17:34,243 --> 00:17:37,580 so why don't I try Jay and Silent Bob, 352 00:17:38,181 --> 00:17:40,417 which also sound like fake names, I might add. 353 00:17:42,551 --> 00:17:45,253 - [screen buzzes] - [woman] Ooh, sorry, boys, 354 00:17:45,255 --> 00:17:48,926 but it says here that you got a wait problem. 355 00:17:49,625 --> 00:17:51,359 [coins clatter] 356 00:17:51,361 --> 00:17:53,561 - Weight problem? - Mm-hmm. 357 00:17:53,563 --> 00:17:55,930 Are you saying he's still too fat to fly? 358 00:17:55,932 --> 00:17:58,532 Are you fucking blind as Anne Frank? 359 00:17:58,534 --> 00:18:01,434 Silent Bob lost a bunch of weight, lady. 360 00:18:01,436 --> 00:18:05,538 He went all vegan and shit, eating that v-gina. 361 00:18:05,540 --> 00:18:07,807 - That's not right. - I used to call him lunch box, 362 00:18:07,809 --> 00:18:10,277 but now I have to call him snack pack. 363 00:18:10,279 --> 00:18:12,646 I used to say, "Fly, fat ass. Fly." 364 00:18:12,648 --> 00:18:15,650 Now I have to say, "Fly, low-fat ass. Fly." 365 00:18:15,652 --> 00:18:17,384 Let me make something straight here, 366 00:18:17,386 --> 00:18:19,987 I said, "Wait problem." 367 00:18:19,989 --> 00:18:26,693 And the... problem is that y'all can't fly, 368 00:18:26,695 --> 00:18:28,531 because ya are on the No-Fly List. 369 00:18:30,599 --> 00:18:33,700 There is something here about a terrorist organization 370 00:18:33,702 --> 00:18:36,671 - called The Clit. - The Clit's not real. 371 00:18:36,673 --> 00:18:38,608 Says every guy I ever dated. 372 00:18:39,108 --> 00:18:41,574 I'm sorry, but y'all can't fly, 373 00:18:41,576 --> 00:18:43,344 because y'all are on the No-Fly List, 374 00:18:43,346 --> 00:18:44,444 but you know what you could do, 375 00:18:44,446 --> 00:18:45,781 maybe you could Ride Me Now instead. 376 00:18:48,084 --> 00:18:49,350 Ride you now? 377 00:18:49,352 --> 00:18:52,420 Ride Me Now is a ride-share app. 378 00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:54,555 So you just do one click 379 00:18:54,557 --> 00:18:57,857 and Ride Me Now will send you a car 380 00:18:57,859 --> 00:19:00,494 and that car will take y'all wherever y'all wanna go. 381 00:19:00,496 --> 00:19:01,895 - Yeah? - Yeah. 382 00:19:01,897 --> 00:19:04,498 Well then, fuck your planes, Joline. 383 00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:05,836 Okay. Bye-bye. 384 00:19:07,002 --> 00:19:08,371 Go fuck yourself. 385 00:19:11,807 --> 00:19:13,309 [phone buzzes] 386 00:19:15,510 --> 00:19:18,315 The app needs a credit card? Dude, what are we gonna do? 387 00:19:19,048 --> 00:19:21,114 You know what you do, you go fuck yourself, 388 00:19:21,116 --> 00:19:22,418 that's what you do. 389 00:19:23,185 --> 00:19:26,620 No. You listen to me, you call center Khalifa, 390 00:19:26,622 --> 00:19:29,623 the dummy at the counter couldn't find my reservation, 391 00:19:29,625 --> 00:19:31,691 that's why you're gonna find my reservation 392 00:19:31,693 --> 00:19:33,861 or I'm gonna have the both of you fired. 393 00:19:33,863 --> 00:19:36,430 Someone should teach that motherfucker a lesson. 394 00:19:36,432 --> 00:19:38,865 All right. I'm gonna give you the credit card number again. 395 00:19:38,867 --> 00:19:41,000 I'm gonna read it so slowly 396 00:19:41,002 --> 00:19:44,671 and out loud in public so that you will understand. 397 00:19:44,673 --> 00:19:47,543 All right. The name is Ted Underhill. 398 00:19:48,510 --> 00:19:50,378 Not Ed, Ted. 399 00:19:50,380 --> 00:19:51,615 T... T... T... T. 400 00:19:53,449 --> 00:19:55,619 And the number is nine... 401 00:19:57,487 --> 00:19:58,488 five... 402 00:19:58,954 --> 00:20:00,153 eight... 403 00:20:00,155 --> 00:20:01,090 four... 404 00:20:07,563 --> 00:20:08,696 Ted Underhill? 405 00:20:08,698 --> 00:20:13,066 Yo, I'm Ted motherfucking Underhill. 406 00:20:13,068 --> 00:20:14,738 [car horns honking] 407 00:20:18,807 --> 00:20:21,475 Wait. You wanna smoke one of those unicorns now? 408 00:20:21,477 --> 00:20:23,177 Dude, we only got three left, man. 409 00:20:23,179 --> 00:20:25,813 And after we smoke them, they're gone forever. 410 00:20:25,815 --> 00:20:28,047 Let's save them for a special occasion. 411 00:20:28,049 --> 00:20:32,722 I say we smoke this little bitch. 412 00:20:33,155 --> 00:20:34,357 Ooh. 413 00:20:35,057 --> 00:20:38,159 Oh, come on, man. I roll a perfect Silent Bob 414 00:20:38,161 --> 00:20:39,927 and you're pissed about it? 415 00:20:39,929 --> 00:20:42,065 This motherfucker belongs in a museum, son. 416 00:20:43,432 --> 00:20:44,433 Light it up. 417 00:20:54,743 --> 00:20:57,478 I'm almost glad you guys are smoking back there. 418 00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:59,580 I was driving someone about a week ago 419 00:20:59,582 --> 00:21:03,150 and he took a, uh, big shit in the back seat. 420 00:21:03,152 --> 00:21:06,123 I had no idea until the next passenger found it. 421 00:21:06,855 --> 00:21:08,057 It was everywhere. 422 00:21:08,657 --> 00:21:10,092 You have no idea how hard it is 423 00:21:11,124 --> 00:21:11,994 to get the smell of shit out of pleather. 424 00:21:12,428 --> 00:21:15,499 I mean, it just stays there, really, it's like a ghost. 425 00:21:16,098 --> 00:21:18,968 You guys are my first two passengers since that big shit. 426 00:21:19,769 --> 00:21:22,001 I'm your driver by the way, Todd Merkinsky. 427 00:21:22,003 --> 00:21:23,603 Nice to meet you. 428 00:21:23,605 --> 00:21:27,074 Oh, Merkinsky. I will call you Merkin. 429 00:21:27,076 --> 00:21:29,109 [chuckling] 430 00:21:29,111 --> 00:21:30,209 Todd would be better. 431 00:21:30,211 --> 00:21:32,880 Why does your car smell like French fries, Merkin? 432 00:21:32,882 --> 00:21:36,019 Because in my car, guess what I have instead of gum, 433 00:21:36,885 --> 00:21:39,987 I have tater tots. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. 434 00:21:39,989 --> 00:21:42,021 You got tater tots up in this bitch, 435 00:21:42,023 --> 00:21:43,157 where you'd get them? 436 00:21:43,159 --> 00:21:46,059 Well, I'm a businessman, an entrepreneur, 437 00:21:46,061 --> 00:21:51,097 and, uh, I had a business idea, teen girls love tater tots. 438 00:21:51,099 --> 00:21:54,136 So I came up with Hater Totz. 439 00:21:54,703 --> 00:21:56,937 Got a little, uh, quiz on there, 440 00:21:56,939 --> 00:21:58,808 you know, is your BFF really the bezt 441 00:21:59,241 --> 00:22:01,542 and it's kind of like a, I don't know, 442 00:22:01,544 --> 00:22:03,113 TigerBeat on a box of tater tots. 443 00:22:03,613 --> 00:22:05,179 And those tween girls, 444 00:22:05,181 --> 00:22:07,515 they still love that TigerBeat, right? 445 00:22:07,517 --> 00:22:08,882 [chuckles] Right? 446 00:22:08,884 --> 00:22:10,953 I'm wrong. I was very wrong. 447 00:22:11,421 --> 00:22:14,721 Hater Totz means different things to different people. 448 00:22:14,723 --> 00:22:16,257 What do I mean by that? 449 00:22:16,259 --> 00:22:20,227 Well, Hater Totz started attracting a customer base 450 00:22:20,229 --> 00:22:23,133 I never wanted or asked for... 451 00:22:24,567 --> 00:22:25,900 white nationalists. 452 00:22:25,902 --> 00:22:28,038 Can you believe it? How did they even hear about it? 453 00:22:28,671 --> 00:22:32,174 So, I shut down. I just declared bankruptcy and now, well... 454 00:22:32,909 --> 00:22:35,843 I serve these leftover tater tots to all my riders, 455 00:22:35,845 --> 00:22:38,011 F-O-C, free of charge. 456 00:22:38,013 --> 00:22:40,014 Take as many tater tots as you want, 457 00:22:40,016 --> 00:22:42,615 eat all the tater tots you take. 458 00:22:42,617 --> 00:22:44,951 By the way, I don't know if my app is wrong, 459 00:22:44,953 --> 00:22:48,188 but, uh, it says here you're supposed to go to Hollywood? 460 00:22:48,190 --> 00:22:50,824 All right. That's very, very far. I'll make you a deal. 461 00:22:50,826 --> 00:22:53,893 I'll drive you all the way to Hollywood, California. 462 00:22:53,895 --> 00:22:57,030 You give me a big tip and some amazing feedback. 463 00:22:57,032 --> 00:23:01,634 Deal-io Emilio. Now, drive, Miss Daisy. Drive. 464 00:23:01,636 --> 00:23:03,606 All right. Here we go. Hollywood. 465 00:23:08,743 --> 00:23:10,911 Hi. Remember me? 466 00:23:10,913 --> 00:23:13,884 I'm Loki, the Angel of Death from Dogma. 467 00:23:14,617 --> 00:23:16,850 Now, if your kids are looking at you right now like, 468 00:23:16,852 --> 00:23:18,051 "That's not Tom Hiddleston," 469 00:23:18,053 --> 00:23:21,255 just tell them I was Loki in the '90s, before it was cool. 470 00:23:21,257 --> 00:23:23,527 And I did it without the fake British accent. 471 00:23:24,027 --> 00:23:26,960 Anyway, for 20 years now people ask, 472 00:23:26,962 --> 00:23:29,129 "What happened to Loki at the end of Dogma? 473 00:23:29,131 --> 00:23:30,200 Did he go to hell?” 474 00:23:31,299 --> 00:23:32,568 Heavens no. 475 00:23:33,201 --> 00:23:35,936 Pun intended. But I did almost unmake existence, 476 00:23:35,938 --> 00:23:39,172 so as punishment, God, who looks exactly like Alanis Morissette, 477 00:23:39,174 --> 00:23:42,109 banished me to life on earth again, 478 00:23:42,111 --> 00:23:45,011 but not Wisconsin this time. Thank, Christ. No. 479 00:23:45,013 --> 00:23:47,648 God dropped me in the Mediterranean Sea 480 00:23:47,650 --> 00:23:49,753 where I was rescued by Italian fisherman. 481 00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:51,751 I didn't even know who I was anymore. 482 00:23:51,753 --> 00:23:53,152 I had total amnesia. 483 00:23:53,154 --> 00:23:55,189 So, after the events of Dogma, 484 00:23:55,191 --> 00:23:57,891 I guess you could say I was born again. 485 00:23:57,893 --> 00:23:59,930 And what you're looking at now is... 486 00:24:01,130 --> 00:24:05,065 wait for it, my reborn identity. 487 00:24:05,067 --> 00:24:08,102 Oh, shit. Pun game on point. 488 00:24:08,104 --> 00:24:10,170 You just got touched by an angel, son. 489 00:24:10,172 --> 00:24:12,041 ["Redemption Vibe" by Clive Darien & more plays] 490 00:24:12,474 --> 00:24:15,742 Anyway, after driving for half a day, 491 00:24:15,744 --> 00:24:18,312 Jay and Silent Bob stopped in Chicago, 492 00:24:18,314 --> 00:24:20,283 where their lives would change forever. 493 00:24:20,950 --> 00:24:25,151 ♪ You better be ready Without that trumpet sound ♪ 494 00:24:25,153 --> 00:24:28,021 ♪ I know I'm the type To sneak around n play around ♪ 495 00:24:28,023 --> 00:24:29,090 ♪ Be ready ♪ 496 00:24:29,092 --> 00:24:31,758 ♪ Because we're moving on That town no more ♪ 497 00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,294 ♪ Into Babylon we roam You better be ready... ♪ 498 00:24:34,296 --> 00:24:37,930 Oh, yeah. Cha-cha-cha-cha. Nice driving, Merkin. 499 00:24:37,932 --> 00:24:40,133 Oh, thanks, Misters Underhill. 500 00:24:40,135 --> 00:24:42,135 To be honest, I'm glad you wanted to stop. 501 00:24:42,137 --> 00:24:45,038 No offense, but, uh, your cigarettes are kind of strong. 502 00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:47,910 We ain't smoking cigarettes, we smoking that weed. 503 00:24:49,244 --> 00:24:50,646 You're smoking marijuana? 504 00:24:51,113 --> 00:24:55,048 Ah, wow. 505 00:24:55,050 --> 00:24:56,285 You guys are so brave. 506 00:24:57,886 --> 00:24:59,385 I'm always scared to be busted by the cops, 507 00:24:59,387 --> 00:25:01,890 so I've never tried weed my entire life. 508 00:25:04,292 --> 00:25:07,062 ♪ Let's get together Make the locals stronger... ♪ 509 00:25:07,563 --> 00:25:11,230 What? Wait a second. Wait... No. You wanna give him one of those? 510 00:25:11,232 --> 00:25:13,267 You just heard the man, he's never smoked in his life 511 00:25:13,269 --> 00:25:15,436 and you wanna bust his green cherry 512 00:25:15,438 --> 00:25:17,871 with one of our last strains of gold we have left? 513 00:25:17,873 --> 00:25:19,209 Dude, what are you thinking, bro? 514 00:25:20,108 --> 00:25:23,276 Oh, Jersey Local 404. 515 00:25:23,278 --> 00:25:25,446 Jersey makes, the whole world bakes. 516 00:25:25,448 --> 00:25:27,917 We feed every need for weed, son. 517 00:25:28,584 --> 00:25:31,287 Merkin, this is gonna change your life. 518 00:25:32,087 --> 00:25:33,088 Change it. 519 00:25:34,022 --> 00:25:36,724 ♪ I reach to find Though have no return ♪ 520 00:25:36,726 --> 00:25:38,491 - ♪ The liberation of my people ♪ - There you go, boss. 521 00:25:38,493 --> 00:25:40,360 ♪ Is my main concern ♪ 522 00:25:40,362 --> 00:25:42,432 ♪ Only if we come together... ♪ 523 00:25:44,099 --> 00:25:45,865 - [cow moos] - [song plays] 524 00:25:45,867 --> 00:25:47,903 - Yeah. - ♪ M-o-o-b-y-s ♪ 525 00:25:48,770 --> 00:25:51,505 ♪ M-o-o-b-y-s ♪ 526 00:25:51,507 --> 00:25:54,711 Fuck me up the vegan ass. I'm gonna get my cow tipper on. 527 00:25:55,243 --> 00:25:58,378 ♪ Mooby's is the best Yes ♪ 528 00:25:58,380 --> 00:26:01,949 ♪ Mom and Dad Let's go to Mooby's ♪ 529 00:26:01,951 --> 00:26:03,252 ♪ Right now! ♪ 530 00:26:03,786 --> 00:26:06,953 ♪ I want Mooby Mooby in my mouth Go, go, go ♪ 531 00:26:06,955 --> 00:26:10,190 ♪ I have Mooby Mooby In my mouth ♪ 532 00:26:10,192 --> 00:26:12,092 ♪ He fills me up with meat... ♪ 533 00:26:12,094 --> 00:26:13,459 Mr. Underhill. 534 00:26:13,461 --> 00:26:15,328 - Mr. Underhill. Mr. Underhill. - [banging on glass] 535 00:26:15,330 --> 00:26:16,796 ♪ ...down South ♪ 536 00:26:16,798 --> 00:26:19,999 ♪ So, Master Mooby You're the boss... ♪ 537 00:26:20,001 --> 00:26:22,068 Welcome to Moo-by's. 538 00:26:22,070 --> 00:26:25,037 What are you in the moo-d for today? 539 00:26:25,039 --> 00:26:26,440 [song continues in background] 540 00:26:26,442 --> 00:26:29,910 Let me get one of those Moo-ilk shakes 541 00:26:29,912 --> 00:26:31,879 and a cow tipper with fries. 542 00:26:31,881 --> 00:26:35,783 And, oh, let me get one of those fur burgers Brazilian style 543 00:26:35,785 --> 00:26:37,053 for our chauffer outside. 544 00:26:37,987 --> 00:26:38,988 Cool. 545 00:26:42,423 --> 00:26:43,992 What? You want me to order for you? 546 00:26:44,460 --> 00:26:46,860 I don't want your v-gina touching my burgers. 547 00:26:46,862 --> 00:26:50,063 Come on, dude. That's why you don't get laid, sir, 548 00:26:50,065 --> 00:26:52,165 because women love meat in their mouth, 549 00:26:52,167 --> 00:26:54,168 and you ain't nothing but a broccoli bitch. 550 00:26:54,170 --> 00:26:56,206 So, if you wanna order your healthy veggies, 551 00:26:56,638 --> 00:27:00,042 open your mouth, do it yourself. I'm gonna go drop a deuce. 552 00:27:07,348 --> 00:27:10,086 You in the moo-d for anything else? 553 00:27:16,424 --> 00:27:17,426 [phone dings] 554 00:27:20,328 --> 00:27:21,327 Uh-uh. 555 00:27:21,329 --> 00:27:24,134 You did not just offer me your old man dick. 556 00:27:24,634 --> 00:27:29,169 Okay. Fine. Whip it out. Come on. Just whip it out. 557 00:27:29,171 --> 00:27:32,506 - Ms. McKenzie! - What the fuck is going on here? 558 00:27:32,508 --> 00:27:34,778 This old fool just egg-planted me. 559 00:27:35,310 --> 00:27:38,378 Uh, I'm 47 and I have no idea what that means. 560 00:27:38,380 --> 00:27:40,146 Now this dirty old assfuck's in here 561 00:27:40,148 --> 00:27:42,548 trying to show us his dirty old-ass dick, Ms. McKenzie, 562 00:27:42,550 --> 00:27:44,354 so bust his ass. 563 00:27:47,455 --> 00:27:49,422 Okay, sir. You're gonna have to come with me. 564 00:27:49,424 --> 00:27:50,326 This way. 565 00:28:09,010 --> 00:28:11,545 [man, on TV] Congratulations, Flappy. You deserve it. 566 00:28:11,547 --> 00:28:14,648 And now with the forecast, here's News 10's meteorologist, 567 00:28:14,650 --> 00:28:15,615 Justice Falcon. 568 00:28:15,617 --> 00:28:17,417 What's the weather going to be tomorrow? 569 00:28:17,419 --> 00:28:19,353 We are gonna get so much rain, 570 00:28:19,355 --> 00:28:21,520 I'm getting wet just thinking about it. 571 00:28:21,522 --> 00:28:23,123 ["Keep on Loving You" by REO Speedwagon plays] 572 00:28:23,125 --> 00:28:24,093 Justice? 573 00:28:27,896 --> 00:28:32,968 ♪ You should have seen By the look in my eyes, baby ♪ 574 00:28:33,568 --> 00:28:37,339 ♪ There was something missing ♪ 575 00:28:38,641 --> 00:28:42,942 ♪ And I meant Every word I said ♪ 576 00:28:42,944 --> 00:28:46,412 ♪ When I said that I loved you ♪ 577 00:28:46,414 --> 00:28:53,653 ♪ I meant that I'd love you Forever ♪ 578 00:28:53,655 --> 00:28:58,528 ♪ And I'm gonna keep on Loving you ♪ 579 00:28:59,095 --> 00:29:04,166 ♪ 'Cause it's the only thing I wanna do ♪ 580 00:29:05,634 --> 00:29:08,367 ♪ I don't wanna sleep ♪ 581 00:29:08,369 --> 00:29:12,574 ♪ I just wanna Keep on loving you ♪ 582 00:29:16,311 --> 00:29:17,880 [guitar breakdown] 583 00:29:35,698 --> 00:29:39,032 Holy shit, Silent Bob. Look, it's my long-lost ex-girlfriend, 584 00:29:39,034 --> 00:29:40,199 Boo Boo Kitty Fuck. 585 00:29:40,201 --> 00:29:43,003 Oh, shit. Is he having a stroke? 586 00:29:43,005 --> 00:29:44,638 Yo, Mary, I used to knock boots 587 00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:45,972 with the weather lady, all right? 588 00:29:45,974 --> 00:29:47,039 So I'm gonna go find her 589 00:29:47,041 --> 00:29:48,607 and I'm gonna give her a warm front 590 00:29:48,609 --> 00:29:52,281 with a possible low of 69. Snoogans. 591 00:29:55,750 --> 00:29:57,252 You want a burger for lunch? 592 00:29:58,386 --> 00:30:00,255 Uh, no thanks. I just ate some vegan. 593 00:30:00,689 --> 00:30:02,258 [cow moos] 594 00:30:06,461 --> 00:30:07,931 Yummy, yummy, yummy. 595 00:30:09,565 --> 00:30:11,530 Holy shit, Merkin's gone. 596 00:30:11,532 --> 00:30:14,000 That entrepreneurial fuck. 597 00:30:14,002 --> 00:30:15,102 Ooh, and your dumbass gave him 598 00:30:15,104 --> 00:30:17,640 one of the last three strains of gold we had left. 599 00:30:18,140 --> 00:30:20,043 Let's write him a nasty review. 600 00:30:22,577 --> 00:30:24,276 Type this shit, 601 00:30:24,278 --> 00:30:26,546 "Oh, motherfucker, you're gonna pay. 602 00:30:26,548 --> 00:30:29,181 You are the one who is the Hater Tot. 603 00:30:29,183 --> 00:30:32,251 Fuck your frozen food dreams. 604 00:30:32,253 --> 00:30:33,754 Do you even know what a merkin is? 605 00:30:33,756 --> 00:30:36,390 It is a pube toupee. 606 00:30:36,392 --> 00:30:38,357 So why don't you live up to your name 607 00:30:38,359 --> 00:30:42,062 and go sit on some bald dick. 608 00:30:42,064 --> 00:30:43,266 [laughing] 609 00:30:55,810 --> 00:30:57,443 Lady, lady, lady, 610 00:30:57,445 --> 00:31:00,482 Jay and Silent Bob are at your hizouse. 611 00:31:01,416 --> 00:31:03,118 Holy shit. 612 00:31:05,421 --> 00:31:08,388 Dude, she's so excited to see me, she fainted. 613 00:31:08,390 --> 00:31:11,490 Look at that shit, man. When she wakes up, I'll be like, 614 00:31:11,492 --> 00:31:15,429 "Come, son of Jor-El, kneel before Zod." 615 00:31:15,431 --> 00:31:16,529 ["Like a Monster" by Sway plays] 616 00:31:16,531 --> 00:31:18,798 ♪ Like a monster Now they can see me coming ♪ 617 00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:20,302 ♪ And I only came to crush 'em ♪ 618 00:31:20,869 --> 00:31:22,302 [girl] Sleep, big boy, sleep. 619 00:31:22,304 --> 00:31:23,773 ♪ Get ready For the main destruction ♪ 620 00:31:32,314 --> 00:31:35,218 Holy fuck! [screams] 621 00:31:35,750 --> 00:31:36,816 ♪ Like a monster ♪ 622 00:31:36,818 --> 00:31:38,153 What the fuck is this? 623 00:31:38,621 --> 00:31:40,152 What the fuck is this? 624 00:31:40,154 --> 00:31:42,521 What the fuck are you even doing here, Jay? 625 00:31:42,523 --> 00:31:44,259 I missed you, Boo Boo Kitty Fuck. 626 00:31:45,193 --> 00:31:47,195 Aw, you remembered. 627 00:31:48,329 --> 00:31:50,232 - I missed you too. - Yeah? 628 00:31:51,266 --> 00:31:52,435 Old friend. 629 00:31:53,201 --> 00:31:54,567 Old friend? No, bro. 630 00:31:54,569 --> 00:31:56,335 I'm like a super friend, all right? 631 00:31:56,337 --> 00:31:58,171 A super friend who wants to get back 632 00:31:58,173 --> 00:32:01,408 inside the hall of Justice, yeah. 633 00:32:01,410 --> 00:32:03,079 Uh, okay. Sit down. 634 00:32:09,484 --> 00:32:10,485 Okay. 635 00:32:12,488 --> 00:32:13,489 I'm married, Jay. 636 00:32:14,423 --> 00:32:16,325 Ew, you're fucking married? 637 00:32:17,259 --> 00:32:19,228 - Yeah. - What about us? 638 00:32:19,728 --> 00:32:21,128 Us? 639 00:32:21,130 --> 00:32:23,395 I haven't heard from you in 18 years, Jay. 640 00:32:23,397 --> 00:32:26,199 I mean, you never even came to see me when I was in jail. 641 00:32:26,201 --> 00:32:28,336 Oh, that's because they wouldn't let us fuck. 642 00:32:29,570 --> 00:32:31,706 Is that why you never visited? 643 00:32:33,142 --> 00:32:35,342 [chuckles] Oh, my gosh. And all this time, 644 00:32:35,344 --> 00:32:37,447 I just thought you were mad at me. 645 00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:40,416 Why would I be mad at you, Boo Boo Kitty Fuck? 646 00:32:40,982 --> 00:32:43,752 Because I never told you I had a baby. 647 00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:48,388 Ew, you're someone's fucking mom now? 648 00:32:48,390 --> 00:32:50,257 Yes, you big goof. 649 00:32:50,259 --> 00:32:54,294 And, uh, I thought you'd be upset if you ever found out 650 00:32:54,296 --> 00:32:55,661 who the father is. 651 00:32:55,663 --> 00:32:58,797 Wait, why? Who's the father? Is it Silent Bob? 652 00:32:58,799 --> 00:32:59,769 [scoffs] 653 00:33:00,501 --> 00:33:01,770 No, Jay. 654 00:33:04,873 --> 00:33:06,275 It's you. 655 00:33:16,451 --> 00:33:17,452 [phone dings] 656 00:33:19,755 --> 00:33:21,290 I have a fucking kid? 657 00:33:21,757 --> 00:33:24,224 We have a kid. A daughter. 658 00:33:24,226 --> 00:33:25,628 I have a girl daughter? 659 00:33:26,260 --> 00:33:27,960 Why the fuck didn't you tell me, man? 660 00:33:27,962 --> 00:33:30,232 We could've been a family this whole time. 661 00:33:30,699 --> 00:33:31,701 A family? 662 00:33:33,501 --> 00:33:36,303 Jay, you're a great guy 663 00:33:36,305 --> 00:33:38,207 and you have a million-dollar heart. 664 00:33:38,874 --> 00:33:42,745 A nickel head, but a million-dollar heart. 665 00:33:43,644 --> 00:33:47,413 All you ever needed in life was Silent Bob and... 666 00:33:47,415 --> 00:33:49,417 [chuckles] ...a good bag of weed. 667 00:33:50,751 --> 00:33:54,389 But a baby needs a home and stability. 668 00:33:55,257 --> 00:33:56,726 I'm stable as a table. 669 00:33:57,393 --> 00:34:01,594 Yeah. Right. What... What are you doing in Chicago anyway? 670 00:34:01,596 --> 00:34:03,596 Me and Silent Bob are going to Hollywood 671 00:34:03,598 --> 00:34:06,568 to stop these fuckers from making a movie about us. 672 00:34:07,301 --> 00:34:08,304 Sounds familiar. 673 00:34:09,237 --> 00:34:13,875 Jay, you're a nice guy and you're a lot of fun. 674 00:34:15,244 --> 00:34:17,446 But if I'm being honest here... 675 00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:21,918 uh, I really don't think you're dad material. 676 00:34:28,990 --> 00:34:33,025 But you're here now, so maybe you should meet 677 00:34:33,027 --> 00:34:35,697 the little girl who knocked you out and tied you up. 678 00:34:39,034 --> 00:34:41,568 I've always said her dad took off before she was born, 679 00:34:41,570 --> 00:34:43,536 so she'll have no idea you two are related. 680 00:34:43,538 --> 00:34:44,670 And I want it to stay that way, 681 00:34:44,672 --> 00:34:47,307 so you can never tell her who you really are, okay? 682 00:34:47,309 --> 00:34:49,946 You gotta promise me you won't say anything. 683 00:34:50,679 --> 00:34:53,415 What are you telling me for? He's the one with the big mouth. 684 00:34:54,849 --> 00:34:57,752 Brace yourself. You're about to meet our love child. 685 00:35:04,592 --> 00:35:08,561 Uh, I think I'm gonna need to see a blood test. 686 00:35:08,563 --> 00:35:09,565 [Milly] Hello. 687 00:35:10,731 --> 00:35:13,032 Mom, I told you to leave these meth heads 688 00:35:13,034 --> 00:35:14,703 tied up until the cops got here. 689 00:35:15,469 --> 00:35:16,471 Okay. 690 00:35:16,972 --> 00:35:17,903 I didn't call the cops 691 00:35:17,905 --> 00:35:19,972 and these guys are not meth heads, okay? 692 00:35:19,974 --> 00:35:22,777 They only look like meth heads because they're from New Jersey. 693 00:35:24,980 --> 00:35:28,951 Boys, this is my daughter, Millennium Falcon. 694 00:35:30,619 --> 00:35:32,355 Dude, like Star Wars. 695 00:35:32,788 --> 00:35:35,391 Milly, these are friends of mine from a long time ago, 696 00:35:35,990 --> 00:35:39,561 a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. 697 00:35:40,094 --> 00:35:41,596 I almost killed the older one. 698 00:35:42,396 --> 00:35:44,430 - Older one? - [Silent Bob chuckles] 699 00:35:44,432 --> 00:35:46,365 ["I Saw a Ghost" by the tenth playing over radio] 700 00:35:46,367 --> 00:35:49,635 So you guys got names or what? 701 00:35:49,637 --> 00:35:51,938 I'm Jay and... I mean... [clears throat] 702 00:35:51,940 --> 00:35:54,874 ...I'm Ted Underhill and this is my hetero-lifemate, 703 00:35:54,876 --> 00:35:55,878 Mr. Taint. 704 00:35:56,545 --> 00:35:59,315 Hetero-lifemate, I got one of those. 705 00:35:59,882 --> 00:36:02,018 This is my best friend, Soapy Pia. 706 00:36:02,650 --> 00:36:05,987 Ooh. Como estas, Soapy Penis? 707 00:36:06,454 --> 00:36:08,723 Holy shit. It's Soapy Pia. 708 00:36:10,826 --> 00:36:12,795 Say hi to my mom's 709 00:36:13,762 --> 00:36:17,700 culturally insensitive, horrible 710 00:36:18,166 --> 00:36:19,668 - friends. - Millennium. 711 00:36:20,302 --> 00:36:21,871 ♪ Bring me back to you ♪ 712 00:36:23,771 --> 00:36:24,838 [chuckles] 713 00:36:24,840 --> 00:36:26,905 Dude, this is like watching your favorite movie, 714 00:36:26,907 --> 00:36:28,007 The Quiet Place. 715 00:36:28,009 --> 00:36:29,708 ♪ Bring me back to you ♪ 716 00:36:29,710 --> 00:36:32,878 ♪ You made your way into my life Then you tried to hide ♪ 717 00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:35,414 Sorry, it's like watching your second favorite movie, 718 00:36:35,416 --> 00:36:37,516 The Shape of Water. My bad. 719 00:36:37,518 --> 00:36:38,617 ♪ Now I kicked you Out of my life ♪ 720 00:36:38,619 --> 00:36:40,954 How could you let people this stupid into our house, 721 00:36:40,956 --> 00:36:42,658 let alone my room? 722 00:36:43,090 --> 00:36:44,324 Uh, can they leave now? 723 00:36:44,326 --> 00:36:47,760 [Justice] Ted and Mr. Taint just wanted to meet you, Milly. 724 00:36:47,762 --> 00:36:48,927 They're just passing through town 725 00:36:48,929 --> 00:36:49,998 on their way to California. 726 00:36:51,099 --> 00:36:53,402 Wait. California? 727 00:36:53,869 --> 00:36:55,338 Uh, yo, meth heads. 728 00:36:56,737 --> 00:36:58,570 Where are you going in California? 729 00:36:58,572 --> 00:37:01,840 Oh, we're going to this stupid convention in Hollywood. 730 00:37:01,842 --> 00:37:03,876 Holy fuck. Are you talking about Chronic-Con? 731 00:37:03,878 --> 00:37:05,577 - Yeah. - Language. 732 00:37:05,579 --> 00:37:06,445 [car horn horns] 733 00:37:06,447 --> 00:37:07,847 [Justice] Oh, my God, Reggie's here. 734 00:37:07,849 --> 00:37:10,452 - Who the fuck is Reggie? - My better half. 735 00:37:11,619 --> 00:37:13,019 Okay. I love you. 736 00:37:13,021 --> 00:37:15,722 We'll call you soon as we land in Machu Picchu, okay? 737 00:37:15,724 --> 00:37:17,360 And I left you $200 in the fridge. 738 00:37:18,626 --> 00:37:20,929 Now, say goodbye to Mr. Underhill. 739 00:37:24,032 --> 00:37:26,999 Goodbye forever, Methy Marvin. 740 00:37:27,001 --> 00:37:29,501 It was so cool to meet you. 741 00:37:29,503 --> 00:37:31,170 ["Loser" by Moby Rich plays] 742 00:37:31,172 --> 00:37:33,005 Okay. Um, I gotta go. 743 00:37:33,007 --> 00:37:35,208 Let's go. I... I got to go. 744 00:37:35,210 --> 00:37:36,912 - I love you. - Love you. 745 00:37:38,512 --> 00:37:40,579 It's fucked up enough I had to meet my kid, 746 00:37:40,581 --> 00:37:41,916 now I got to meet your husband? 747 00:37:42,349 --> 00:37:44,819 Um, you're not meeting my husband. 748 00:37:46,121 --> 00:37:47,619 Jessie. 749 00:37:47,621 --> 00:37:48,688 - Let's go. - [Justice] Hey. 750 00:37:48,690 --> 00:37:50,490 - You know I hate O'Hare. - Mm. 751 00:37:50,492 --> 00:37:52,495 But first, I... 752 00:37:52,994 --> 00:37:54,130 Who the fuck are these guys? 753 00:37:54,597 --> 00:37:56,732 Boys, this is Reggie Faulken... 754 00:37:57,231 --> 00:37:58,634 my wife. 755 00:38:00,135 --> 00:38:02,802 Wife? Holy shit, you married a lady? 756 00:38:02,804 --> 00:38:05,938 Ooh, a lady. I like him. He's proper. 757 00:38:05,940 --> 00:38:11,144 Reggie, this is Jay of Jay and Silent Bob fame. 758 00:38:11,146 --> 00:38:13,479 ♪ I'll be okay ♪ 759 00:38:13,481 --> 00:38:15,617 - Oh, my God. This is him? - [Justice] Yes. 760 00:38:17,485 --> 00:38:19,219 This is Mr. Cum Quick Thumb Dick? 761 00:38:19,221 --> 00:38:20,556 - Shh. - Oh, my God. 762 00:38:22,224 --> 00:38:23,526 [Silent Bob chuckles] 763 00:38:24,126 --> 00:38:26,793 I never ever thought I'd get the chance to meet you. 764 00:38:26,795 --> 00:38:28,097 You're like a living legend. 765 00:38:28,996 --> 00:38:31,930 - For what? - All the wrong reasons, bro. 766 00:38:31,932 --> 00:38:34,566 ♪ I'm a loser. Hallelujah ♪ 767 00:38:34,568 --> 00:38:35,668 ♪ But I think I'm gonna be ♪ 768 00:38:35,670 --> 00:38:37,237 - Um... - ♪ Okay ♪ 769 00:38:37,239 --> 00:38:39,007 ...stop by on your way home from Hollywood. 770 00:38:39,708 --> 00:38:41,941 Maybe you and Milly can spend some time together 771 00:38:41,943 --> 00:38:43,479 before you head back to Jersey. 772 00:38:48,148 --> 00:38:49,585 [car engine starts] 773 00:38:52,521 --> 00:38:54,954 Fuck, man. Last time we were in Chicago, 774 00:38:54,956 --> 00:38:56,856 we couldn't find Sherman, Illinois. 775 00:38:56,858 --> 00:38:58,958 This time, I didn't get laid 776 00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:00,793 because my fucking ex-girlfriend has a wife. 777 00:39:00,795 --> 00:39:03,932 This Windy City can blow me. Let's go. 778 00:39:05,300 --> 00:39:07,769 - ♪ I'm a loser. Hallelujah ♪ - Hello. 779 00:39:08,802 --> 00:39:10,570 I know we only just met, 780 00:39:10,572 --> 00:39:13,608 but I really feel like I know you... 781 00:39:15,577 --> 00:39:17,112 at least enough to ask you a favor. 782 00:39:17,711 --> 00:39:20,215 - You wanna ask me a favor? - Mm-hmm. 783 00:39:22,250 --> 00:39:23,251 Hold on a sec. 784 00:39:23,985 --> 00:39:24,786 Holy fuck, man. 785 00:39:25,253 --> 00:39:27,490 This is my first chance to act like a real dad, Silent Bob. 786 00:39:29,224 --> 00:39:30,559 Okay. What's the favor? 787 00:39:31,326 --> 00:39:36,264 Can you take us to Hollywood with you? 788 00:39:37,132 --> 00:39:38,331 Fuck, no, man! 789 00:39:38,333 --> 00:39:41,233 I can't be bringing private school girls to Hollyweird. 790 00:39:41,235 --> 00:39:43,172 It's a tough-ass neighborhood. 791 00:39:45,706 --> 00:39:46,842 He said no. 792 00:39:52,713 --> 00:39:54,650 Okay. Let's do this the hard way, butt plug. 793 00:39:55,182 --> 00:39:57,950 Either you take us to Hollywood or I stab you both to death 794 00:39:57,952 --> 00:39:59,621 on my own front fucking lawn! 795 00:40:00,054 --> 00:40:01,287 And when the cops come, 796 00:40:01,289 --> 00:40:02,988 I'll tell them it was an act of self-defense 797 00:40:02,990 --> 00:40:04,958 after you tried to break into my house. 798 00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:08,293 The home of Chicago's beloved lesbian weather lady. 799 00:40:08,295 --> 00:40:10,128 I'll get off like a porn star, 800 00:40:10,130 --> 00:40:12,231 and you two will be dead as dodos. 801 00:40:12,233 --> 00:40:14,900 So I suggest you take out your phone, 802 00:40:14,902 --> 00:40:16,369 open your little fucking app, 803 00:40:16,371 --> 00:40:19,275 and order us a car to Hollywood right now! 804 00:40:24,813 --> 00:40:26,981 Oh, you can't just go around threatening people. 805 00:40:27,481 --> 00:40:30,619 Don't tell me what to do. You're not my father. 806 00:40:31,119 --> 00:40:33,322 ["Come My Way" by Nappy Roots plays] 807 00:40:35,155 --> 00:40:37,624 ♪ Why don't you come my way? My way ♪ 808 00:40:37,626 --> 00:40:39,858 ♪ The doors are unlocked To my place ♪ 809 00:40:39,860 --> 00:40:42,929 ♪ It's like we all family Anyway... ♪ 810 00:40:42,931 --> 00:40:43,929 I don't get it. 811 00:40:43,931 --> 00:40:46,633 Why does the deaf kid get to DJ instead of me? 812 00:40:46,635 --> 00:40:48,635 Because Soapy has great taste in music 813 00:40:48,637 --> 00:40:49,872 and you're a fucking dildo. 814 00:40:50,438 --> 00:40:54,139 What? She doesn't even know what a dildo is probably. 815 00:40:54,141 --> 00:40:57,644 Uh, I have two dildos and a strap-on, so, yeah, 816 00:40:57,646 --> 00:40:58,811 - I do. - What are you, nuts? 817 00:40:58,813 --> 00:41:00,278 You can't say strap-on in public. 818 00:41:00,280 --> 00:41:02,048 Man, you're just a kid. 819 00:41:02,050 --> 00:41:03,650 Are you gonna be this fucking annoying 820 00:41:03,652 --> 00:41:06,021 the entire trip? Because if so... 821 00:41:06,755 --> 00:41:10,423 - smoke some of this shit. - Holy shit, that's weed. 822 00:41:10,425 --> 00:41:12,724 - That's right. - Where'd you get it? 823 00:41:12,726 --> 00:41:14,661 - From her. - Where'd she get it? 824 00:41:14,663 --> 00:41:17,030 Soapy lives on a commune in Oregon where deaf people 825 00:41:17,032 --> 00:41:18,701 grow the best weed in the West. 826 00:41:19,134 --> 00:41:20,869 Deaf people know how to grow weed? 827 00:41:21,369 --> 00:41:23,369 I'm sorry, how old are you? 828 00:41:23,371 --> 00:41:25,771 - Fuck you. How old are you? - I'm 18. 829 00:41:25,773 --> 00:41:28,307 You can't be smoking no weed at 18. 830 00:41:28,309 --> 00:41:29,845 I can. Watch me. 831 00:41:30,679 --> 00:41:33,412 Ow, ow, ow, ow. Don't... You're gonna break it. 832 00:41:33,414 --> 00:41:35,617 - Fuck off my flower. - Ow. 833 00:41:36,518 --> 00:41:40,920 You know what? This is my ride and I'm paying for it, girlie. 834 00:41:40,922 --> 00:41:42,854 So if you don't put that weed away, 835 00:41:42,856 --> 00:41:45,326 I'm gonna kick your narrow ass to the curb. 836 00:41:47,394 --> 00:41:49,327 - Fine. - [Jay] See? That's better. 837 00:41:49,329 --> 00:41:50,262 All right? You're just a kid. 838 00:41:50,264 --> 00:41:52,134 Why don't you eat some candy or something? 839 00:41:53,068 --> 00:41:54,069 Okay. 840 00:41:55,402 --> 00:41:58,403 - Happy? - Chocolate. That's better. 841 00:41:58,405 --> 00:42:01,139 Way better than weed for a little girl. 842 00:42:01,141 --> 00:42:04,812 - Yeah. You want some? - Shit, yeah. I love sugar. 843 00:42:06,447 --> 00:42:07,650 Hmm. 844 00:42:11,853 --> 00:42:13,485 You guys aren't gonna eat any chocolate? 845 00:42:13,487 --> 00:42:17,326 Oh, no. Um, I smoke my weed, I don't eat it. 846 00:42:19,994 --> 00:42:20,996 Punch Bar? 847 00:42:22,329 --> 00:42:23,798 There's weed in that chocolate? 848 00:42:24,431 --> 00:42:26,401 We... Holy shit. She poisoned us. 849 00:42:27,034 --> 00:42:30,202 It isn't poison, but it is potent. 850 00:42:30,204 --> 00:42:34,809 And you ate, uh, 50 times the recommended dosage. 851 00:42:36,077 --> 00:42:38,714 [chuckles] These old fuckers are gonna die. 852 00:42:40,347 --> 00:42:43,115 Uh, you... You know what? No, no, no. Calm down. Calm down. 853 00:42:43,117 --> 00:42:45,450 You think we can't handle edibles? 854 00:42:45,452 --> 00:42:48,320 You think we can't handle these silly-ass chocolate bars? 855 00:42:48,322 --> 00:42:49,921 You're mistaken. 856 00:42:49,923 --> 00:42:53,896 Can you believe these two? Edibles ain't shit, right? 857 00:43:00,869 --> 00:43:02,400 [Method Man] You got a blunt? [exhales] 858 00:43:02,402 --> 00:43:05,137 - [Redman] You got weed, brother? - [laughing] 859 00:43:05,139 --> 00:43:06,773 [Method Man] Back out of the club, nigga. 860 00:43:06,775 --> 00:43:09,744 Holy shit, Silent Bob, look, it's Method & Red. 861 00:43:10,244 --> 00:43:11,811 We got visitors. 862 00:43:11,813 --> 00:43:16,048 I'm Jay and this is my hetero-lifemate, Silent Bob. 863 00:43:16,050 --> 00:43:17,086 Silent Bob, huh? 864 00:43:17,753 --> 00:43:20,952 That's kind of hot. [chuckles] That's your rap name? 865 00:43:20,954 --> 00:43:23,389 We came here seeking advice. 866 00:43:23,391 --> 00:43:25,090 Well, look no further. 867 00:43:25,092 --> 00:43:27,894 Me and Red, we got life experience. 868 00:43:27,896 --> 00:43:30,733 Like they say on Reddit. Ask me anything. 869 00:43:32,000 --> 00:43:34,503 Okay, great masters of the green. 870 00:43:35,036 --> 00:43:37,369 I just found out I have a kid 871 00:43:37,371 --> 00:43:40,572 and then that kid roofied us with chocolates. 872 00:43:40,574 --> 00:43:44,376 My advice, if you got a kid that'll get you stoned... 873 00:43:44,378 --> 00:43:45,878 Mm-hmm. 874 00:43:45,880 --> 00:43:47,947 ...have another kid just like that one. 875 00:43:47,949 --> 00:43:49,916 - Facts. Facts - Just like that. 876 00:43:49,918 --> 00:43:51,918 The thing is I don't know how to be a father. 877 00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:53,351 I didn't even know my own dad 878 00:43:53,353 --> 00:43:55,354 and I don't know what dads are supposed to do. 879 00:43:55,356 --> 00:43:57,459 Philosophically in a manner of speaking, 880 00:43:58,460 --> 00:44:01,594 being a father does not necessarily make one a dad, 881 00:44:01,596 --> 00:44:03,831 - am I right, Doc? - Guys, 882 00:44:04,532 --> 00:44:07,365 anybody and I mean, anti-body... 883 00:44:07,367 --> 00:44:09,034 - Mm-hmm. - ...with cum... 884 00:44:09,036 --> 00:44:10,138 Gi-gi-gi-gi-gi! 885 00:44:10,938 --> 00:44:12,438 ...can be a father. 886 00:44:12,440 --> 00:44:15,508 But only love can make you a dad, you understand me? 887 00:44:15,510 --> 00:44:16,608 [Method Man] Okay. Wait a minute. How you gonna talk 888 00:44:16,610 --> 00:44:18,945 about love and you flinging cum all over the place? 889 00:44:18,947 --> 00:44:22,148 - That shit's unseemly, brah. - Unseemly? God damn it, listen, 890 00:44:22,150 --> 00:44:23,583 - you wanna be a good dad? - Mm-hmm. 891 00:44:23,585 --> 00:44:27,954 Then just think of all the fucked-up shit 892 00:44:27,956 --> 00:44:29,354 your dad did wrong, 893 00:44:29,356 --> 00:44:33,425 'cause... look at you, and do the opposite. 894 00:44:33,427 --> 00:44:35,894 - Feel me? - But I never met my own dad. 895 00:44:35,896 --> 00:44:37,132 But you met your kid. 896 00:44:39,166 --> 00:44:40,867 There you go. See? 897 00:44:40,869 --> 00:44:43,372 You already a better dad than your dad ever was, bruh. 898 00:44:44,139 --> 00:44:48,307 Now, get the fuck out and hit the road. 899 00:44:48,309 --> 00:44:49,976 - Hit the road. - The road. 900 00:44:49,978 --> 00:44:51,010 - The road. - The road. 901 00:44:51,012 --> 00:44:52,244 - The road. - The road. 902 00:44:52,246 --> 00:44:53,345 - [Redman] The road. - [Method Man] The road. 903 00:44:53,347 --> 00:44:54,416 [Redman] The road. 904 00:45:09,197 --> 00:45:10,332 Whoa, dude. 905 00:45:11,465 --> 00:45:14,666 This isn't Hulu and hump day, dude. Man, what if someone saw? 906 00:45:14,668 --> 00:45:15,971 [Jihad] I saw you. 907 00:45:17,038 --> 00:45:18,539 And I'm putting you on my Instagram, 908 00:45:19,641 --> 00:45:22,074 #whenoldpeoplefuck. 909 00:45:22,076 --> 00:45:23,441 Holy shit, it's a terrorist. 910 00:45:23,443 --> 00:45:25,244 Where? Where? Where's the terrorist? 911 00:45:25,246 --> 00:45:27,280 She's not a terrorist, you fuck. 912 00:45:27,282 --> 00:45:28,584 [girl muttering] 913 00:45:29,150 --> 00:45:31,083 But ironically her name is Jihad, 914 00:45:31,085 --> 00:45:32,550 so do with that what you will. 915 00:45:32,552 --> 00:45:33,554 As-salamu alaykum. 916 00:45:33,987 --> 00:45:35,921 That sounds like baby talk. 917 00:45:35,923 --> 00:45:37,525 No, that's just talk, baby. 918 00:45:37,992 --> 00:45:40,458 And by baby, I mean oldest man I've ever met. 919 00:45:40,460 --> 00:45:41,459 How old are these fuckers? 920 00:45:41,461 --> 00:45:44,229 I'm pretty sure they were alive during the '90s. 921 00:45:44,231 --> 00:45:47,333 No way. That's before they even built the internet. 922 00:45:47,335 --> 00:45:49,403 Jihad, that was, like, before they built the pyramids. 923 00:45:49,836 --> 00:45:51,938 Jihad? Why does that name sound familiar. 924 00:45:51,940 --> 00:45:53,173 If you fuck with any of us, 925 00:45:53,175 --> 00:45:56,309 I live up to my name and I put you underground, Underhill. 926 00:45:56,311 --> 00:45:58,677 Does every girl carry a knife nowadays? 927 00:45:58,679 --> 00:46:00,246 Well, in a world full of dicks, 928 00:46:00,248 --> 00:46:02,180 knives really help a girl make a point. 929 00:46:02,182 --> 00:46:04,050 And if you had a daughter, wouldn't you want her 930 00:46:04,052 --> 00:46:05,621 - to carry a knife? - Shit yes. 931 00:46:06,054 --> 00:46:08,054 Shit, no, I have a daughter and she scared me 932 00:46:08,056 --> 00:46:09,487 when she pulled a knife on me. 933 00:46:09,489 --> 00:46:15,062 [speaking Chinese] 934 00:46:15,663 --> 00:46:17,595 What's this creepy Ring shit? 935 00:46:17,597 --> 00:46:18,331 [speaking Chinese] 936 00:46:18,833 --> 00:46:22,300 This is my not creepy friend, Shan Yu, she's from China. 937 00:46:22,302 --> 00:46:23,404 We picked her up in Missouri. 938 00:46:24,005 --> 00:46:26,104 Missouri? Where the fuck are we now? 939 00:46:26,106 --> 00:46:27,639 Just outside New Orleans. 940 00:46:27,641 --> 00:46:31,209 - We're in Connecticut? - It's Louisiana, man, Jesus. 941 00:46:31,211 --> 00:46:33,112 Louisiana? How long was I asleep for? 942 00:46:33,114 --> 00:46:35,380 - Eighteen hours straight. - What? 943 00:46:35,382 --> 00:46:37,282 I told you those edibles were strong. 944 00:46:37,284 --> 00:46:38,416 Dude, why didn't you wake me up? 945 00:46:38,418 --> 00:46:40,154 We'll never make it to Hollywood now. 946 00:46:40,688 --> 00:46:45,527 [speaking Chinese] 947 00:46:46,226 --> 00:46:48,626 - What the fuck? - Shan Yu records 948 00:46:48,628 --> 00:46:51,162 every interaction she hears for her podcast, 949 00:46:51,164 --> 00:46:53,331 which she uses to contextualize life in America 950 00:46:53,333 --> 00:46:54,532 for her audience in China. 951 00:46:54,534 --> 00:46:55,668 The podcast is called 952 00:46:55,670 --> 00:46:58,604 The American Entitled and Their First World Problems. 953 00:46:58,606 --> 00:47:01,106 Shan Yu understands English, Mr. Underhill. 954 00:47:01,108 --> 00:47:02,244 She just can't speak it. 955 00:47:02,744 --> 00:47:04,313 Kind of like you actually. 956 00:47:09,050 --> 00:47:11,083 Wait a minute, where the fucks the car at? 957 00:47:11,085 --> 00:47:12,485 Now that there are six of us, 958 00:47:12,487 --> 00:47:15,021 we need a bigger whip than Ride Me Now has, 959 00:47:15,023 --> 00:47:16,287 so we're gonna get a van. 960 00:47:16,289 --> 00:47:17,789 What are you, fucking dumb or something? 961 00:47:17,791 --> 00:47:19,791 How are you gonna get a van in the middle of nowhere? 962 00:47:19,793 --> 00:47:22,260 Thanks to Operation Predator Editor. 963 00:47:22,262 --> 00:47:23,531 [vehicle approaching] 964 00:47:25,365 --> 00:47:26,969 Okay, places, everybody, places. 965 00:47:42,382 --> 00:47:45,353 What the fuck is Operation Predator Editor? 966 00:47:48,755 --> 00:47:51,289 This is Operation Predator Editor. 967 00:47:51,291 --> 00:47:53,758 Phase one, Millennium takes naked selfies. 968 00:47:53,760 --> 00:47:55,760 - No, she didn't. - She did. 969 00:47:55,762 --> 00:47:59,597 For phase two, Millennium posts selfies on pedophile website. 970 00:47:59,599 --> 00:48:02,434 - What the fuck? Why? - For phase three, 971 00:48:02,436 --> 00:48:04,570 Millennium tells interested pedophile with van 972 00:48:04,572 --> 00:48:06,575 to meet her here for a free ride. 973 00:48:07,474 --> 00:48:08,677 Free ride? 974 00:48:11,579 --> 00:48:13,479 Oh, nice outfit, man. 975 00:48:13,481 --> 00:48:15,414 Oh, thanks, you like it? Yeah, did you ever see 976 00:48:15,416 --> 00:48:16,849 - Cannonball Run? - No. 977 00:48:16,851 --> 00:48:19,086 - The great Dom DeLuise? - No. 978 00:48:19,920 --> 00:48:22,188 That really fell apart right there. [grunts] 979 00:48:22,190 --> 00:48:24,425 You're pretty flamboyant for a pedophile. 980 00:48:25,492 --> 00:48:26,460 [screams] 981 00:48:28,362 --> 00:48:30,628 You pedophile piece of shit. 982 00:48:30,630 --> 00:48:31,699 [Jay grunts] 983 00:48:35,869 --> 00:48:37,536 What the fuck were you thinking 984 00:48:37,538 --> 00:48:39,572 getting in that van with this guy? 985 00:48:39,574 --> 00:48:41,175 I was thinking phase four. 986 00:48:43,311 --> 00:48:44,809 Ted Underhill beats up the pedophile 987 00:48:44,811 --> 00:48:46,080 and we take the van. 988 00:48:46,514 --> 00:48:47,646 ["I'd Die Without You" by P.M. Dawn plays] 989 00:48:47,648 --> 00:48:50,483 ♪ Is it my turn to push you... ♪ 990 00:48:50,485 --> 00:48:52,554 [speaking Chinese] 991 00:48:53,887 --> 00:48:56,155 All right. What if I didn't get to the van in time? 992 00:48:56,157 --> 00:48:57,690 You saw what I can do with a hockey stick. 993 00:48:57,692 --> 00:48:58,891 I know how to handle myself. 994 00:48:58,893 --> 00:49:02,327 Yeah. You grew up in a big house in a rich kid neighborhood 995 00:49:02,329 --> 00:49:03,329 and went to private school. 996 00:49:03,331 --> 00:49:06,231 You have no idea how dangerous people can be. 997 00:49:06,233 --> 00:49:07,532 So true. 998 00:49:07,534 --> 00:49:09,568 In Syria, a boy touched my left nipple 999 00:49:09,570 --> 00:49:11,704 and told everybody I know about that shit. 1000 00:49:11,706 --> 00:49:14,472 I said dangerous, man. Not bitch ass boys 1001 00:49:14,474 --> 00:49:15,810 who got to second base. 1002 00:49:16,411 --> 00:49:19,144 When my brother found out, he tried to smother me 1003 00:49:19,146 --> 00:49:21,282 in my sleep with a pillow for shaming my family. 1004 00:49:23,150 --> 00:49:24,518 So my mom sent me to America. 1005 00:49:30,925 --> 00:49:32,827 You know what, fuck your brother, all right? 1006 00:49:33,327 --> 00:49:35,161 If the motherfucker tried to smother me. 1007 00:49:35,163 --> 00:49:37,632 I'd kick his ass to Asgard where Thor lives. 1008 00:49:38,498 --> 00:49:42,269 - No, Thor lives in my dreams. - Mine too. 1009 00:49:42,702 --> 00:49:46,271 Every night after I fall asleep, I fuck Chris Hemsworth. 1010 00:49:46,273 --> 00:49:49,407 Holy fuckhole, where did you get such a damn dirty mouth from? 1011 00:49:49,409 --> 00:49:51,812 I'd put my damn dirty mouth all over Hemsworth. 1012 00:49:52,847 --> 00:49:55,313 Yeah, and I'd be like, 1013 00:49:55,315 --> 00:49:57,449 "Give me that Hammer, Odin's son." 1014 00:49:57,451 --> 00:49:59,820 Put it in my hands to see if I'm worthy. 1015 00:50:00,387 --> 00:50:03,424 - You guys better stop. - Oh, I'd never stop. 1016 00:50:03,858 --> 00:50:06,358 I'd fuck Chris Hemsworth until I was Thor. 1017 00:50:06,360 --> 00:50:07,562 - [Milly and Jihad chuckle] - What? 1018 00:50:08,862 --> 00:50:11,329 [man] Hi. Welcome to Mooby's by the moonlight. 1019 00:50:11,331 --> 00:50:14,168 - Six cow tippers, please. - We're vegan, bro. 1020 00:50:14,668 --> 00:50:17,271 I mean one cow tipper, five milks. 1021 00:50:18,239 --> 00:50:20,271 We're vegan, bro. 1022 00:50:20,273 --> 00:50:21,373 Jesus, man, just give me something 1023 00:50:21,375 --> 00:50:23,144 with no meat, please, fuck! 1024 00:50:28,815 --> 00:50:35,422 [speaking Chinese] 1025 00:50:36,289 --> 00:50:38,958 Can you stop being so fucking creepy? 1026 00:50:38,960 --> 00:50:40,025 Hey, Underhill, 1027 00:50:40,027 --> 00:50:42,561 how about a little respect for our guest of honor? 1028 00:50:42,563 --> 00:50:45,731 Shan Yu is the reason we're doing all this, Mr. Underhill. 1029 00:50:45,733 --> 00:50:48,967 What? Operation Predator Editor? 1030 00:50:48,969 --> 00:50:51,503 No, jackass, that mission's over. 1031 00:50:51,505 --> 00:50:53,338 We're onto the next mission. 1032 00:50:53,340 --> 00:50:54,342 Oh, let me see. 1033 00:50:57,378 --> 00:50:58,510 - Uh, no. - You know what, 1034 00:50:58,512 --> 00:51:01,646 you're pretty ungrateful for someone who needed my help. 1035 00:51:01,648 --> 00:51:02,583 [scoffs] 1036 00:51:03,516 --> 00:51:04,516 Needed your help? 1037 00:51:04,518 --> 00:51:06,651 [Milly sighs] I'm sorry, did you seriously think 1038 00:51:06,653 --> 00:51:09,021 we were just hoping for two old men to drop in 1039 00:51:09,023 --> 00:51:11,356 and ferry us to Hollywood? 1040 00:51:11,358 --> 00:51:14,293 No, we were gonna take my mom's car the second she left. 1041 00:51:14,295 --> 00:51:16,394 We've been planning this mission for months, bro. 1042 00:51:16,396 --> 00:51:17,630 [Jay] Holy shit, 1043 00:51:17,632 --> 00:51:20,534 you girls are international diamond thieves, aren't youse? 1044 00:51:22,802 --> 00:51:26,838 I'm sorry, uh, diamond thieves? 1045 00:51:26,840 --> 00:51:28,606 Yeah. When I met your mom, 1046 00:51:28,608 --> 00:51:32,344 she told me her and her friends were animal rights activists 1047 00:51:32,346 --> 00:51:34,713 and then they wound up being international diamond thieves 1048 00:51:34,715 --> 00:51:36,684 who wore cat suits under their clothes. 1049 00:51:37,585 --> 00:51:39,987 Any one of you girls wearing cat suits under your clothes? 1050 00:51:41,489 --> 00:51:45,791 Um, okay. I don't know anything about that, 1051 00:51:45,793 --> 00:51:48,726 but I do know that I'm nothing like my mother. 1052 00:51:48,728 --> 00:51:53,432 Holy shit, yes, you are. You're like a rebooted Justice. 1053 00:51:53,434 --> 00:51:55,269 I believe he means to say remake. 1054 00:51:55,902 --> 00:51:58,970 No, I mean to say reboot, all right? 1055 00:51:58,972 --> 00:52:01,840 Someone took all the things I like about your mom, 1056 00:52:01,842 --> 00:52:04,909 changed them just enough to make me pay for them all over again, 1057 00:52:04,911 --> 00:52:07,445 and added youth and diversity to it. 1058 00:52:07,447 --> 00:52:09,882 So this van is not moving until you tell me 1059 00:52:09,884 --> 00:52:11,753 why you wanna go to Hollywood so bad. 1060 00:52:13,086 --> 00:52:14,289 Fine. 1061 00:52:15,655 --> 00:52:18,057 Shan Yu only has a week left on her visa 1062 00:52:18,059 --> 00:52:20,562 before her mom takes her back to China forever. 1063 00:52:21,028 --> 00:52:23,465 - So? - So, you genital cuff... 1064 00:52:24,532 --> 00:52:25,831 her favorite thing in the world 1065 00:52:25,833 --> 00:52:28,269 is that old Bluntman and Chronic movie. 1066 00:52:28,702 --> 00:52:29,903 Bluntman. 1067 00:52:30,804 --> 00:52:31,670 [Milly] And for years now, 1068 00:52:31,672 --> 00:52:33,572 she's been wanting to go to Chronic-Con. 1069 00:52:33,574 --> 00:52:36,608 So that's why this mission is so important. 1070 00:52:36,610 --> 00:52:39,345 Important enough for a straight A student 1071 00:52:39,347 --> 00:52:41,750 to get in a shitload of trouble and blow up her future? 1072 00:52:43,351 --> 00:52:44,849 God, you sound like my mother. 1073 00:52:44,851 --> 00:52:45,953 Maybe that's because I'm... 1074 00:52:46,487 --> 00:52:49,487 Maybe that's because I think your mom's right, okay? 1075 00:52:49,489 --> 00:52:51,389 I've done a bunch of stupid shit when I was younger, 1076 00:52:51,391 --> 00:52:53,858 but I did it with Si... Mr. Taint here. 1077 00:52:53,860 --> 00:52:55,626 Not with a bunch of people I don't know. 1078 00:52:55,628 --> 00:52:58,563 - Oh, I know these girls. - [Jay] How? 1079 00:52:58,565 --> 00:53:00,398 How did you meet a deaf girl, 1080 00:53:00,400 --> 00:53:02,434 a Muslim who's brother tried to kill her, 1081 00:53:02,436 --> 00:53:04,970 and a Chinese girl that I don't even know where she's from, 1082 00:53:04,972 --> 00:53:06,408 but she's suspect. 1083 00:53:07,275 --> 00:53:09,043 And you're the only normal one of the bunch. 1084 00:53:09,543 --> 00:53:12,010 Fuck you, you don't know me. 1085 00:53:12,012 --> 00:53:13,878 Uh, I've seen your life, kid, 1086 00:53:13,880 --> 00:53:16,581 you got two moms who love you and you grew up in a big house, 1087 00:53:16,583 --> 00:53:18,684 you're not fucked up like these girls. 1088 00:53:18,686 --> 00:53:21,487 I only know these girls because I'm fucked up just like them. 1089 00:53:21,489 --> 00:53:23,590 How? How are you fucked up? 1090 00:53:29,163 --> 00:53:30,865 We met in an online support group. 1091 00:53:32,565 --> 00:53:33,567 For what? 1092 00:53:37,036 --> 00:53:39,006 [crying] For girls who have never met their fathers. 1093 00:53:41,942 --> 00:53:43,577 We don't know who our dads are. 1094 00:53:44,210 --> 00:53:45,879 They all left before we were born. 1095 00:53:48,916 --> 00:53:51,115 You know... You know what, well, fuck that, all right? 1096 00:53:51,117 --> 00:53:53,552 You don't need a father, I didn't grow up with a dad 1097 00:53:53,554 --> 00:53:56,657 - and look, I turned out okay. - No, you didn't. 1098 00:53:58,092 --> 00:54:00,758 And if you never really had a dad then you would know 1099 00:54:00,760 --> 00:54:03,030 that there is no such thing as okay... 1100 00:54:04,164 --> 00:54:05,367 ever... 1101 00:54:06,067 --> 00:54:08,434 because you will always be haunted by a question 1102 00:54:08,436 --> 00:54:09,704 that you can't answer. 1103 00:54:11,972 --> 00:54:14,008 Why didn't you love me enough to stick around? 1104 00:54:21,681 --> 00:54:23,182 Well, I knew your dad a little bit 1105 00:54:23,184 --> 00:54:25,452 and, you know what, you're better off without him. 1106 00:54:27,788 --> 00:54:28,923 Guy's a piece of shit. 1107 00:54:29,956 --> 00:54:31,558 [thud] 1108 00:54:32,592 --> 00:54:33,827 Holy shit, someone's on the roof. 1109 00:54:39,833 --> 00:54:41,867 Merkin, what the fuck are you doing? 1110 00:54:41,869 --> 00:54:45,070 Hater Totz filled with hate! 1111 00:54:45,072 --> 00:54:46,671 Hate! 1112 00:54:46,673 --> 00:54:47,639 Hate! 1113 00:54:47,641 --> 00:54:50,943 You got me arrested with your grass, man. 1114 00:54:50,945 --> 00:54:52,147 And you gave me zero tip, 1115 00:54:52,614 --> 00:54:54,816 leave me these horrible reviews. What is this? 1116 00:54:55,315 --> 00:54:59,717 "Fuck your frozen food dreams." That is personal and mean. 1117 00:54:59,719 --> 00:55:02,019 To me! "Do you even know what a merkin is?" 1118 00:55:02,021 --> 00:55:05,023 Very funny, yes, I do. It's a pube toupee. 1119 00:55:05,025 --> 00:55:07,892 "Sit on some bald dick." Who wrote that? 1120 00:55:07,894 --> 00:55:09,028 Who's the fucker who wrote that? 1121 00:55:09,030 --> 00:55:13,034 Do you think that's funny? I am done losing at life. 1122 00:55:13,601 --> 00:55:17,168 Fuck you guys, the two of you. No one is gonna make 1123 00:55:17,170 --> 00:55:21,539 Todd Merkinsky look like an asshole ever again! 1124 00:55:21,541 --> 00:55:23,944 Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep... 1125 00:55:28,047 --> 00:55:29,847 [tire screeching] 1126 00:55:29,849 --> 00:55:31,018 Hey! 1127 00:55:32,186 --> 00:55:34,021 We got a runner, we got a runner! 1128 00:55:42,663 --> 00:55:45,833 Phase four, ditch old gay guys. What the fuck? 1129 00:55:46,266 --> 00:55:47,868 We should still steal Merkin's car. 1130 00:55:50,905 --> 00:55:52,871 We've been driving around for hours, Silent Bob. 1131 00:55:52,873 --> 00:55:54,075 Where the fuck did they go? 1132 00:56:04,083 --> 00:56:06,017 Bro, are you serious? You can't take a shit now. 1133 00:56:06,019 --> 00:56:07,155 We have to find the girls. 1134 00:56:21,936 --> 00:56:23,571 We need a fucking light. 1135 00:56:29,842 --> 00:56:32,244 Oh, man, it's the fucking Klan! 1136 00:56:32,246 --> 00:56:36,248 Dude, they ruin everything. You distract these racist fucks, 1137 00:56:36,250 --> 00:56:38,282 while I hotbox them with some berserker. 1138 00:56:38,284 --> 00:56:41,188 [Klan members cheering, clamoring] 1139 00:56:46,893 --> 00:56:48,126 Peekaboo! 1140 00:56:48,128 --> 00:56:50,595 [Klan members laughing] 1141 00:56:50,597 --> 00:56:52,863 We always have a good time with that, don't we? 1142 00:56:52,865 --> 00:56:53,999 Speaking of good times, 1143 00:56:54,001 --> 00:56:56,233 if you stick around till the end, 1144 00:56:56,235 --> 00:56:58,869 we're gonna be serving Hater Totz! 1145 00:56:58,871 --> 00:57:00,070 - [Klan members] Yeah! - [Klan leader] Yeah! 1146 00:57:00,072 --> 00:57:04,108 Hater Totz! Who doesn't love Hater Totz? All right. Okay. 1147 00:57:04,110 --> 00:57:07,748 Look what we found trespassing in our backyard. 1148 00:57:08,583 --> 00:57:11,749 And you know what happens to trespassers, right? 1149 00:57:11,751 --> 00:57:12,818 Can you dig it? 1150 00:57:12,820 --> 00:57:13,985 [Klan member] Oh, yeah. 1151 00:57:13,987 --> 00:57:16,023 - Can you dig it? - [Klan members] Yeah. 1152 00:57:16,724 --> 00:57:19,257 [as Cyrus from The Warriors ] Can you dig it? 1153 00:57:19,259 --> 00:57:21,059 [Klan members] Yeah! 1154 00:57:21,061 --> 00:57:22,728 [Klan member] I'm digging it. 1155 00:57:22,730 --> 00:57:23,731 [laughing] 1156 00:57:26,300 --> 00:57:28,068 Let me have your attention for a moment. 1157 00:57:30,003 --> 00:57:31,336 You're talking about what? 1158 00:57:31,338 --> 00:57:34,171 You're talking about... You're bitching about what? 1159 00:57:34,173 --> 00:57:35,242 - Are they all here? - [Klan member] Hey! 1160 00:57:36,110 --> 00:57:38,776 - Who the fuck are you? - I'm going anyway. 1161 00:57:38,778 --> 00:57:41,815 Let's talk about something important. 1162 00:57:44,652 --> 00:57:47,655 Put that pitchfork down. 1163 00:57:55,128 --> 00:57:58,365 Pitchforks are for Klansmen only. 1164 00:57:58,865 --> 00:58:00,701 [Klan member] Where the fuck did you come from? 1165 00:58:01,168 --> 00:58:02,369 I come from downtown. 1166 00:58:03,003 --> 00:58:05,137 I'm here for Mitch and Murray. 1167 00:58:05,139 --> 00:58:06,941 And I'm here on a mission of mercy. 1168 00:58:09,342 --> 00:58:12,110 - Your name's Legree? - [Legree] Yeah. 1169 00:58:12,112 --> 00:58:14,345 You call yourself a Klansman, you son of a bitch? 1170 00:58:14,347 --> 00:58:15,914 We don't got to listen to this shit. 1171 00:58:15,916 --> 00:58:17,081 You certainly don't, pal. 1172 00:58:17,083 --> 00:58:18,986 Because the good news is, you're fired. 1173 00:58:19,619 --> 00:58:24,088 The bad news is you've got, all you got, just one week 1174 00:58:24,090 --> 00:58:26,925 to regain your jobs. Starting with tonight. 1175 00:58:26,927 --> 00:58:29,197 Starting with tonight's shit. 1176 00:58:29,797 --> 00:58:31,329 [Legree] Mister, what's your name? 1177 00:58:31,331 --> 00:58:34,135 Fuck you, that's my name. 1178 00:58:39,306 --> 00:58:45,110 A, B, D. A: Always, B: Be, D: Ducking. 1179 00:58:45,112 --> 00:58:50,248 Always Be Ducking. Always Be ducking. 1180 00:58:50,250 --> 00:58:53,021 All right, fuck face. I'll bite. Ducking what? 1181 00:59:00,027 --> 00:59:02,994 - Kill these racist fucks! - Hold on! 1182 00:59:02,996 --> 00:59:04,365 [screaming] 1183 00:59:07,266 --> 00:59:08,335 [Klan members groaning] 1184 00:59:10,503 --> 00:59:13,740 Now who's stupid, you dirty sheepfucker? 1185 00:59:17,277 --> 00:59:19,313 Who in the fuck are Mitch and Murray? 1186 00:59:42,969 --> 00:59:43,904 [knocks] 1187 00:59:51,545 --> 00:59:54,081 Holy shit. We made it. 1188 00:59:54,914 --> 00:59:56,817 [Jay] No, we made it. 1189 00:59:59,820 --> 01:00:00,822 You slept. 1190 01:00:04,123 --> 01:00:06,026 [Milly] You know, I got to thank you, Mr. Underhill. 1191 01:00:06,594 --> 01:00:09,362 Not for just saving our asses last night, but... 1192 01:00:10,797 --> 01:00:11,998 for helping us get here. 1193 01:00:12,599 --> 01:00:14,335 Technically, you forced me to help. 1194 01:00:14,768 --> 01:00:16,204 Yeah, but for a good cause. 1195 01:00:16,637 --> 01:00:18,970 Well, if your dreams came true it was all worth it. 1196 01:00:18,972 --> 01:00:20,237 [chuckles] 1197 01:00:20,239 --> 01:00:22,776 Uh, going to Chronic-Con is Shan Yu's dream. 1198 01:00:23,577 --> 01:00:25,980 My dream is a little tougher to make happen. 1199 01:00:27,280 --> 01:00:29,481 It's stupid, especially because you said 1200 01:00:29,483 --> 01:00:31,352 the guy's a piece of shit. But, um... 1201 01:00:33,286 --> 01:00:35,322 I've always dreamed of meeting my dad. 1202 01:00:36,856 --> 01:00:38,893 Just hanging out. 1203 01:00:40,427 --> 01:00:42,130 Nothing monumental. 1204 01:00:43,864 --> 01:00:46,233 Just drinking coffee together or something, like... 1205 01:00:47,266 --> 01:00:48,969 talk to me like he was my dad... 1206 01:00:50,369 --> 01:00:52,005 teaching me dad stuff. 1207 01:00:57,978 --> 01:01:00,445 That's really embarrassing. It probably sounds like 1208 01:01:00,447 --> 01:01:03,317 the dumbest thing anyone has ever said out loud. 1209 01:01:10,324 --> 01:01:13,327 Oh, I got something that nobody knows. 1210 01:01:13,960 --> 01:01:17,097 God looks exactly like Alanis Morissette. 1211 01:01:19,498 --> 01:01:20,834 I stand corrected. 1212 01:01:23,503 --> 01:01:26,207 ["Good Morning" by Pistol Beauty plays] 1213 01:01:36,916 --> 01:01:38,451 ♪ Such pretty face ♪ 1214 01:01:39,286 --> 01:01:41,653 ♪ Nice to wake up Next to you and know ♪ 1215 01:01:41,655 --> 01:01:43,324 ♪ It's a clear, clear case ♪ 1216 01:01:44,458 --> 01:01:46,458 ♪ Of love and I'm falling hard ♪ 1217 01:01:46,460 --> 01:01:48,329 ♪ Oh, don't you know You got to stay ♪ 1218 01:01:49,028 --> 01:01:51,295 ♪ Stay with me 'Til the morning, honey ♪ 1219 01:01:51,297 --> 01:01:53,400 ♪ 'Cause good night, would ♪ 1220 01:01:53,967 --> 01:01:56,568 ♪ Never make me feel As good as "good morning" ♪ 1221 01:01:56,570 --> 01:02:00,170 ♪ Whoa-oh ♪ 1222 01:02:00,172 --> 01:02:01,472 ♪ Tell me good morning ♪ 1223 01:02:01,474 --> 01:02:03,909 ♪ Whoa-oh ♪ 1224 01:02:03,911 --> 01:02:05,613 Why are you dressed like all these people? 1225 01:02:06,146 --> 01:02:08,950 All these people are dressed like us. 1226 01:02:10,617 --> 01:02:12,620 ♪ So, I wanna make it last ♪ 1227 01:02:13,420 --> 01:02:17,224 ♪ I wanna see the sunrise With you, hold your hand ♪ 1228 01:02:18,358 --> 01:02:20,090 ♪ Get lost in your eyes ♪ 1229 01:02:20,092 --> 01:02:22,230 ♪ And kiss your sweet Sweet smile ♪ 1230 01:02:23,429 --> 01:02:25,396 ♪ Lights up your face Like an angel ♪ 1231 01:02:25,398 --> 01:02:29,202 Happy Chronic-Con! Oh! [blows raspberry] 1232 01:02:29,635 --> 01:02:33,003 Love the fucking cosplay, you guys. Yes! 1233 01:02:33,005 --> 01:02:34,341 Silent Jay, I dig it. 1234 01:02:34,775 --> 01:02:37,943 Hello, everyone, my name is Kuish. 1235 01:02:37,945 --> 01:02:40,478 You little kids looking to mainline some of that... 1236 01:02:40,480 --> 01:02:46,318 That sweet ass, that bomb ass dank Bluntman and Chronic merch? 1237 01:02:46,320 --> 01:02:49,420 Because we got Bluntman and Chronic Funko Pops. 1238 01:02:49,422 --> 01:02:52,325 We got Bluntman and Chronic action figures. 1239 01:02:52,925 --> 01:02:54,961 Did your mommy or daddy just die? 1240 01:02:56,396 --> 01:02:58,595 We got a Bluntman and Chronic urn. 1241 01:02:58,597 --> 01:03:00,034 Smoke 'em up, put them in. 1242 01:03:00,867 --> 01:03:04,269 Or check this out, go ahead and show your pride 1243 01:03:04,271 --> 01:03:07,271 with our exclusive and inclusive 1244 01:03:07,273 --> 01:03:10,043 B and C LGBTQ... 1245 01:03:11,077 --> 01:03:12,380 tee. Check it out. 1246 01:03:26,226 --> 01:03:28,626 ♪ I'll make you feel better than Any other guy in the world ♪ 1247 01:03:28,628 --> 01:03:32,063 ♪ Whoa-oh ♪ 1248 01:03:32,065 --> 01:03:33,601 ♪ Oh, tell me good morning ♪ 1249 01:03:34,534 --> 01:03:38,336 Good day. Chris Hemsworth and, uh, I've been paid to... 1250 01:03:38,338 --> 01:03:40,771 To welcome you to the tenth Annual Hollywood Chronic-Con. 1251 01:03:40,773 --> 01:03:43,208 Yay. Welcome. Uh, now, full disclosure. 1252 01:03:43,210 --> 01:03:44,708 I'm not the real Chris Hemsworth. 1253 01:03:44,710 --> 01:03:46,510 I'm only a hologram, as you can see. 1254 01:03:46,512 --> 01:03:48,512 So, uh, feel free to take selfies 1255 01:03:48,514 --> 01:03:50,447 with my holographic image. Um, but, please, 1256 01:03:50,449 --> 01:03:52,349 and I can't even believe I have to fucking say this, 1257 01:03:52,351 --> 01:03:54,552 but please do not hump the hologram. 1258 01:03:54,554 --> 01:03:57,322 All right? Or you'll burn your dick off or whatever it is 1259 01:03:57,324 --> 01:03:59,324 that you're thrusting into the hologram. 1260 01:03:59,326 --> 01:04:02,427 So don't do it. Do not fellate the hologram either, you know? 1261 01:04:02,429 --> 01:04:03,695 You might burn your mouth off. 1262 01:04:03,697 --> 01:04:05,729 And... And please don't record yourself having conversations 1263 01:04:05,731 --> 01:04:08,465 with the holographic version of me as if you're talking to me 1264 01:04:08,467 --> 01:04:09,566 saying things like, "Oh, I'm gonna... 1265 01:04:09,568 --> 01:04:12,137 I'm gonna hump you until you're Thor." You know? 1266 01:04:12,139 --> 01:04:14,304 Only my wife is allowed to objectify me like that. 1267 01:04:14,306 --> 01:04:16,041 And I have no choice in that. But I have a choice in this. 1268 01:04:16,043 --> 01:04:17,108 So don't do it. 1269 01:04:17,110 --> 01:04:18,108 Now, if you're looking for 1270 01:04:18,110 --> 01:04:20,478 all the big celebrity guest panels, go left. 1271 01:04:20,480 --> 01:04:21,746 Uh, if you wanna be an extra 1272 01:04:21,748 --> 01:04:23,615 in the new Bluntman movie, go right. 1273 01:04:23,617 --> 01:04:26,083 But whichever way you go, uh, hope you have fun 1274 01:04:26,085 --> 01:04:29,454 at this year's Chronic-Con. Because you're Hems-worth it. 1275 01:04:29,456 --> 01:04:30,724 Trademark, Chris Hemsworth. 1276 01:04:33,360 --> 01:04:35,363 Oh. We came a long way. 1277 01:04:36,396 --> 01:04:37,398 Let's do this. 1278 01:04:44,103 --> 01:04:45,205 Yo! 1279 01:04:46,639 --> 01:04:48,539 Where the fuck are you going? 1280 01:04:48,541 --> 01:04:51,575 Uh, we came to Hollywood so Shan Yu could be an extra 1281 01:04:51,577 --> 01:04:55,112 in that stupid Bluntman reboot. And that is this way. 1282 01:04:55,114 --> 01:04:56,481 And we came to Hollywood 1283 01:04:56,483 --> 01:04:58,849 to stop this stupid reboot from happening. 1284 01:04:58,851 --> 01:05:01,719 And all the famous people are this way. 1285 01:05:01,721 --> 01:05:03,157 Stop the reboot? Why? 1286 01:05:03,657 --> 01:05:05,657 It's a long story, but it ends with us 1287 01:05:05,659 --> 01:05:07,494 kicking the shit out of Kevin James. 1288 01:05:08,128 --> 01:05:10,463 Fuck Kevin James. Kevin can wait. 1289 01:05:10,896 --> 01:05:13,197 What we're doing is really important. 1290 01:05:13,199 --> 01:05:16,133 Uh, us stopping the movie is the most important thing 1291 01:05:16,135 --> 01:05:18,438 we're ever gonna do... again. 1292 01:05:24,744 --> 01:05:27,280 Look, I have risked everything to come here... 1293 01:05:28,248 --> 01:05:29,481 but it will be all be worth it 1294 01:05:29,483 --> 01:05:31,516 if Shan Yu can be in that reboot. 1295 01:05:31,518 --> 01:05:32,519 So I guess... 1296 01:05:33,853 --> 01:05:35,221 I guess this is goodbye. 1297 01:05:36,489 --> 01:05:38,391 No. Wait a... Wait a minute. 1298 01:05:43,163 --> 01:05:44,197 This, um... 1299 01:05:44,998 --> 01:05:48,566 This is my legacy right here, it's the last one 1300 01:05:48,568 --> 01:05:49,570 in the whole world... 1301 01:05:50,336 --> 01:05:53,273 and I want you to have it to remember me by. 1302 01:05:55,208 --> 01:05:56,307 But when you smoke it 1303 01:05:56,309 --> 01:05:58,079 you're not gonna remember shit, so... 1304 01:05:58,746 --> 01:06:00,514 save it for a special occasion. 1305 01:06:19,932 --> 01:06:21,135 Um... 1306 01:06:22,835 --> 01:06:25,605 I don't know a lot of stuff, okay? But... 1307 01:06:26,940 --> 01:06:28,175 I do know this... 1308 01:06:29,543 --> 01:06:32,546 you're a great fucking kid and some asshole 1309 01:06:33,146 --> 01:06:35,682 really missed out on being your dad. 1310 01:06:39,920 --> 01:06:41,122 [crying] Thanks. 1311 01:07:07,780 --> 01:07:10,380 [whistling] 1312 01:07:10,382 --> 01:07:11,684 [security guard] Whoa, whoa, whoa. 1313 01:07:12,952 --> 01:07:14,586 Where are your badges? 1314 01:07:14,588 --> 01:07:17,688 Nobody gets in, as the French say... sans badge. 1315 01:07:17,690 --> 01:07:20,925 Come on, you security dick, what's the big deal anyway? 1316 01:07:20,927 --> 01:07:22,059 Security dick? 1317 01:07:22,061 --> 01:07:25,729 The big deal is we got America's most precious resources 1318 01:07:25,731 --> 01:07:27,331 behind these doors. 1319 01:07:27,333 --> 01:07:31,469 Actors, actresses, directors, podcasters, 1320 01:07:31,471 --> 01:07:33,670 they make us laugh, they make us cry, 1321 01:07:33,672 --> 01:07:35,472 they show us ourselves. 1322 01:07:35,474 --> 01:07:38,008 And it's my job not only to keep them safe 1323 01:07:38,010 --> 01:07:40,311 from their greasiest nut bar fans 1324 01:07:40,313 --> 01:07:41,448 with the hammers of justice, 1325 01:07:41,914 --> 01:07:43,548 but also to meet every one 1326 01:07:43,550 --> 01:07:46,253 of their borderline infantile needs. 1327 01:07:47,621 --> 01:07:48,756 Hey, security dick. 1328 01:07:49,856 --> 01:07:50,824 [security guard] Oh. 1329 01:07:51,291 --> 01:07:53,657 Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead's Keith Coogan. 1330 01:07:53,659 --> 01:07:54,958 It's just Keith. 1331 01:07:54,960 --> 01:07:56,360 Thanks, that's really hard to say. 1332 01:07:56,362 --> 01:07:58,429 The candy buffet ran out of Swedish Fish. 1333 01:07:58,431 --> 01:07:59,429 [gasps] 1334 01:07:59,431 --> 01:08:00,900 So I guess... [clears throat] 1335 01:08:01,735 --> 01:08:03,034 ...wait for it. 1336 01:08:03,036 --> 01:08:05,369 The fishes are done, man. 1337 01:08:05,371 --> 01:08:06,806 [laughing] 1338 01:08:08,708 --> 01:08:10,244 - Right? - [security guard] Yeah. 1339 01:08:12,378 --> 01:08:13,380 Hilarious. 1340 01:08:22,021 --> 01:08:25,290 I have a question for the real Jay and Silent Bob. 1341 01:08:25,292 --> 01:08:26,827 All right, this reboot is bullshit. 1342 01:08:27,260 --> 01:08:29,863 Bullshit, what do you guys think about this reboot? 1343 01:08:30,395 --> 01:08:32,296 I got... I got this one. [clears throat] 1344 01:08:32,298 --> 01:08:33,998 Yeah, um, it sucks. 1345 01:08:34,000 --> 01:08:36,867 There, I said it. Are you happy now, TMZ? 1346 01:08:36,869 --> 01:08:38,102 Dude, TMZ's not even here. 1347 01:08:38,104 --> 01:08:41,772 And who's directing this shit anyway, Kevin fucking Smith? 1348 01:08:41,774 --> 01:08:42,874 [laughs] 1349 01:08:42,876 --> 01:08:46,510 Are you fucking kidding me? This movie is doomed. 1350 01:08:46,512 --> 01:08:48,713 It is... I was in Jersey Girl, okay, 1351 01:08:48,715 --> 01:08:50,080 - destroyed my career. - Yup. 1352 01:08:50,082 --> 01:08:52,717 Bluntman and Chronic was a cult classic, okay, 1353 01:08:52,719 --> 01:08:54,619 it doesn't need a Kevin Smith remake. 1354 01:08:54,621 --> 01:08:55,689 Reboot. 1355 01:08:56,189 --> 01:08:57,888 How are you not pissed off, huh? 1356 01:08:57,890 --> 01:09:00,424 Kevin Smith is literally shitting 1357 01:09:00,426 --> 01:09:02,395 in the mouth of the original movie. 1358 01:09:03,697 --> 01:09:04,995 I think the movie is gonna be great. 1359 01:09:04,997 --> 01:09:06,531 Why are you sucking the reboot's dick? 1360 01:09:06,533 --> 01:09:08,665 They're not gonna put you in it, all right. 1361 01:09:08,667 --> 01:09:10,403 They're never gonna call you, Diplo. 1362 01:09:10,871 --> 01:09:13,737 - Listen, buttfucker. - [Jason] Van Der Bitch. 1363 01:09:13,739 --> 01:09:16,010 Ooh, he called him Van Der Bitch. 1364 01:09:18,677 --> 01:09:19,712 Interlopers. 1365 01:09:20,713 --> 01:09:21,715 Shit! 1366 01:09:29,788 --> 01:09:34,327 Of all said words, with tongue or pen, the saddest of these, 1367 01:09:34,895 --> 01:09:36,664 they canceled Comic Book Men. 1368 01:09:55,582 --> 01:09:57,685 [screaming] 1369 01:10:03,722 --> 01:10:06,456 [Holden] Look at these morose motherfuckers right here. 1370 01:10:06,458 --> 01:10:08,058 [Silent Bob gasps] 1371 01:10:08,060 --> 01:10:11,398 Smells like somebody shit in their cereal. Bong. 1372 01:10:14,134 --> 01:10:15,166 [Jay] Holy fuck, 1373 01:10:15,168 --> 01:10:18,035 they got you mixed up in this reboot shit, too? 1374 01:10:18,037 --> 01:10:19,303 You sound like my agent. 1375 01:10:19,305 --> 01:10:22,139 What are you two dirt merchants doing in this neck of Hollywood? 1376 01:10:22,141 --> 01:10:25,143 Oh, I'll tell you what our necks are doing in Holly's wood. 1377 01:10:25,145 --> 01:10:28,412 We're here to stop that fuckin' reboot from happening, 1378 01:10:28,414 --> 01:10:30,781 so take us to Kevin James. 1379 01:10:30,783 --> 01:10:32,085 First of all, hi. 1380 01:10:32,952 --> 01:10:34,121 Nice to see you. 1381 01:10:35,587 --> 01:10:36,987 Been years, oh. 1382 01:10:36,989 --> 01:10:38,091 Nice to see you. 1383 01:10:39,225 --> 01:10:41,826 Good to see that one of you at least is taking his age 1384 01:10:41,828 --> 01:10:43,160 and his health seriously. 1385 01:10:43,162 --> 01:10:44,594 Hey, what's with all the wires? 1386 01:10:44,596 --> 01:10:45,830 Are you trying to destroy the stage? 1387 01:10:45,832 --> 01:10:48,402 Oh, just finished recording a live episode of my podcast. 1388 01:10:48,935 --> 01:10:51,134 Holy fuck, you got a podcast, too? 1389 01:10:51,136 --> 01:10:53,571 Is it to contextualize life in America 1390 01:10:53,573 --> 01:10:55,940 - for your audience in China? - What? 1391 01:10:55,942 --> 01:10:58,709 No, I interview people in the funny book biz. 1392 01:10:58,711 --> 01:11:01,044 Since this is my first Chronic-Con as guest of honor, 1393 01:11:01,046 --> 01:11:02,946 it's time I got someone else to interview me. 1394 01:11:02,948 --> 01:11:04,816 Who? Banky fucking Edwards? 1395 01:11:04,818 --> 01:11:06,552 [Alyssa] Not Banky fucking Edwards. 1396 01:11:07,987 --> 01:11:09,655 Alyssa fucking Jones. 1397 01:11:10,122 --> 01:11:11,657 It's fucking Finger-Cuffs. 1398 01:11:12,190 --> 01:11:13,590 - Oh, my God. - [laughing] 1399 01:11:13,592 --> 01:11:14,925 Wait, what's so funny? 1400 01:11:14,927 --> 01:11:16,928 Remember Chasing Amy, the classy book I did 1401 01:11:16,930 --> 01:11:18,862 after Bluntman and Chronic that won me all the awards? 1402 01:11:18,864 --> 01:11:22,165 Anyway, Alyssa's turning that book into a series for Netflix. 1403 01:11:22,167 --> 01:11:24,101 It was always a story that should have been told 1404 01:11:24,103 --> 01:11:27,737 from a queer perspective or a woman's perspective 1405 01:11:27,739 --> 01:11:31,142 or any perspective other than a cis white man's. 1406 01:11:31,144 --> 01:11:32,710 Anyway we're laughing because Netflix wants 1407 01:11:32,712 --> 01:11:33,977 an edgier title than Chasing Amy, 1408 01:11:33,979 --> 01:11:35,847 one of their suggestions was Finger-Cuffs. 1409 01:11:35,849 --> 01:11:37,482 You should text them a picture 1410 01:11:37,484 --> 01:11:39,549 of these two juggle heads, and say they love your title. 1411 01:11:39,551 --> 01:11:41,785 Who are they? Harold and Kumar? 1412 01:11:41,787 --> 01:11:44,722 What? No. This is the actual Jay and Silent Bob. 1413 01:11:44,724 --> 01:11:45,425 - What? - Yeah. 1414 01:11:45,992 --> 01:11:47,157 Me and Banky used to buy weed off these guys at Quik Stop. 1415 01:11:47,159 --> 01:11:49,494 That's where I got the idea for Bluntman and Chronic. 1416 01:11:49,496 --> 01:11:52,132 Then the quiet one gave me the title idea for Chasing Amy. 1417 01:11:52,564 --> 01:11:53,998 Come to think of it, you motherfuckers 1418 01:11:54,000 --> 01:11:55,866 pay off like slot machines. 1419 01:11:55,868 --> 01:11:57,235 Save some new shit for me to steal. 1420 01:11:57,237 --> 01:11:59,003 - [chuckling] - [woman] There you are. 1421 01:11:59,005 --> 01:11:59,803 - Hey, hon. - Hey. 1422 01:11:59,805 --> 01:12:01,539 - Hey, Holden. Great panel. - Hey. 1423 01:12:01,541 --> 01:12:03,674 Um, she's looking for you, again. 1424 01:12:03,676 --> 01:12:05,009 - Already? - Yes. 1425 01:12:05,011 --> 01:12:06,914 - I'm off to release the Kraken. - Sorry. 1426 01:12:08,648 --> 01:12:09,946 "Release the Kraken," what is that, 1427 01:12:09,948 --> 01:12:11,652 a sex thing between married people? 1428 01:12:12,118 --> 01:12:14,887 Are you even remotely familiar with the story of Chasing Amy? 1429 01:12:15,354 --> 01:12:18,022 You're in it. I know it's a lot of words, but fuck. 1430 01:12:18,024 --> 01:12:20,525 No, she's gay, bro. 1431 01:12:20,527 --> 01:12:22,559 Okay, obviously Alyssa and I aren't married, 1432 01:12:22,561 --> 01:12:25,131 married people don't like each other. We're co-parents. 1433 01:12:26,298 --> 01:12:28,566 - Wait a second, you have a kid? - Yeah. 1434 01:12:28,568 --> 01:12:30,134 Alyssa and her partner wanted to have a baby 1435 01:12:30,136 --> 01:12:32,637 and since we've known each other and, more importantly, 1436 01:12:32,639 --> 01:12:35,272 liked each other for 20 years, they asked me to be the father. 1437 01:12:35,274 --> 01:12:37,944 Yes, you got to hit that shit again, son? 1438 01:12:39,279 --> 01:12:41,879 I can see you've matured well. 1439 01:12:41,881 --> 01:12:43,714 No, I got to hit the doctor's office 1440 01:12:43,716 --> 01:12:45,081 where I filled a cup. 1441 01:12:45,083 --> 01:12:47,621 We went in-vitro. Science, bro. 1442 01:12:48,988 --> 01:12:51,792 You know, a year later I met a girl who loves me. 1443 01:12:52,692 --> 01:12:54,228 Who loves me. 1444 01:12:57,564 --> 01:12:59,196 She wants to know who Daddy's talking to. 1445 01:12:59,198 --> 01:13:00,901 [Holden] Hi, little pink sugar heart. 1446 01:13:03,002 --> 01:13:04,302 Say hi to Daddy's friends. 1447 01:13:04,304 --> 01:13:06,670 Daddy's known these boys since he was little. 1448 01:13:06,672 --> 01:13:08,742 Boys, this is our daughter, Amy. 1449 01:13:11,844 --> 01:13:14,111 Dude, just like that story you tell. 1450 01:13:14,113 --> 01:13:15,849 Say hello to Jay and Silent Bob. 1451 01:13:16,916 --> 01:13:18,252 Hi, Jay and Silent Bob. 1452 01:13:19,586 --> 01:13:20,554 Hi. 1453 01:13:21,186 --> 01:13:23,256 Whoop. [grunts] 1454 01:13:24,323 --> 01:13:26,357 [Alyssa] So you got her? We're gonna go grab a smoke 1455 01:13:26,359 --> 01:13:27,861 and check out the cosplay. 1456 01:13:30,029 --> 01:13:32,263 Okay. Have fun, thanks for the interview. 1457 01:13:32,265 --> 01:13:33,897 ["Stay With Me" by Mary Born plays] 1458 01:13:33,899 --> 01:13:35,665 So what do you think, kiddo? 1459 01:13:35,667 --> 01:13:37,300 Do you like these stinky old fools? 1460 01:13:37,302 --> 01:13:38,369 [Amy] Mm-hmm. 1461 01:13:38,371 --> 01:13:40,004 Dude, how did something so amazing 1462 01:13:40,006 --> 01:13:42,242 come from your funny book making balls? 1463 01:13:43,842 --> 01:13:45,945 Well, it's a mystery to me, too, G. 1464 01:13:47,313 --> 01:13:48,748 I'm a huge fan of the kid. 1465 01:13:49,381 --> 01:13:52,685 Bluntman's getting a reboot, Netflix is making Amy. 1466 01:13:53,619 --> 01:13:54,652 People hate the present so much, 1467 01:13:54,654 --> 01:13:56,620 it's like they wanna retreat into the past. 1468 01:13:56,622 --> 01:13:58,625 All of a sudden all my old bullshit is back. 1469 01:13:59,626 --> 01:14:01,692 And some of that old bullshit meant the world to me 1470 01:14:01,694 --> 01:14:02,829 when I was starting out. 1471 01:14:04,029 --> 01:14:05,696 But now that all my childhood dreams 1472 01:14:05,698 --> 01:14:06,630 are starting to come true, 1473 01:14:06,632 --> 01:14:08,201 I mean, it's nice, don't get me wrong... 1474 01:14:08,868 --> 01:14:11,071 that kid is just way more interesting to me. 1475 01:14:11,671 --> 01:14:13,269 I used to think life was all about me, 1476 01:14:13,271 --> 01:14:14,839 I was the hero of my own story. 1477 01:14:14,841 --> 01:14:16,840 A Bruce Wayne of one life-long issue 1478 01:14:16,842 --> 01:14:18,144 of Detective Comics, so to speak. 1479 01:14:19,145 --> 01:14:21,715 And then that kid came along and suddenly you realize... 1480 01:14:22,981 --> 01:14:24,618 you're not Bruce Wayne anymore. 1481 01:14:25,717 --> 01:14:27,183 You're Thomas Wayne 1482 01:14:27,185 --> 01:14:30,655 or Bruce Wayne's mom, whose name escapes me. 1483 01:14:30,657 --> 01:14:33,057 ♪ Stay, and don't you ever Run away... ♪ 1484 01:14:33,059 --> 01:14:35,829 Anyway, I'm just here to set the real story in motion. 1485 01:14:37,162 --> 01:14:38,896 Because once you become a parent, 1486 01:14:38,898 --> 01:14:41,168 you're not the star anymore. You're the stage. 1487 01:14:42,668 --> 01:14:44,669 I'm just here to prop up my kid so she can put on 1488 01:14:44,671 --> 01:14:46,873 the show of her life, like my parents did for me, 1489 01:14:47,372 --> 01:14:48,772 like theirs did before them. 1490 01:14:48,774 --> 01:14:50,340 And if you're lucky enough to have a kid, 1491 01:14:50,342 --> 01:14:53,143 the tradeoff is you don't really get a third act to your story, 1492 01:14:53,145 --> 01:14:54,347 because the story changes. 1493 01:14:54,814 --> 01:14:56,716 All of a sudden it's not about you anymore... 1494 01:14:57,384 --> 01:14:59,286 for the first time in your self-involved life... 1495 01:15:00,386 --> 01:15:01,855 that's okay. 1496 01:15:02,822 --> 01:15:04,056 Kids are like our reboots, 1497 01:15:04,556 --> 01:15:06,357 another chance to tell a brand-new version 1498 01:15:06,359 --> 01:15:07,661 of the same old story. 1499 01:15:08,194 --> 01:15:09,860 I know I'm supposed to be teaching Amy stuff, 1500 01:15:09,862 --> 01:15:12,365 but it's like I'm learning from her every day. 1501 01:15:13,899 --> 01:15:16,869 So, spend my days chasing Amy... 1502 01:15:18,738 --> 01:15:19,836 so to speak. 1503 01:15:19,838 --> 01:15:22,238 ♪ Stay with me ♪ 1504 01:15:22,240 --> 01:15:24,741 Look. I know I dragged us all the way to Hollywood 1505 01:15:24,743 --> 01:15:27,143 to stop this fucking reboot from happening, 1506 01:15:27,145 --> 01:15:28,411 but I haven't been there for Milly 1507 01:15:28,413 --> 01:15:30,281 her whole fucking life, Silent Bob. 1508 01:15:30,283 --> 01:15:31,418 Sorry. Who's Milly? 1509 01:15:32,118 --> 01:15:35,052 And we came to get our names back, 1510 01:15:35,054 --> 01:15:37,353 but I have a new fucking name, Silent Bob, 1511 01:15:37,355 --> 01:15:39,389 and it's fucking Dad, okay? 1512 01:15:39,391 --> 01:15:42,229 And that will be the only name I ever need again. 1513 01:15:45,264 --> 01:15:47,764 Yo, Bluntboy, you think you can get us in the reboot shoot 1514 01:15:47,766 --> 01:15:48,769 in the ballroom? 1515 01:15:49,435 --> 01:15:52,072 - I'm guest of honor, bro. - [gasps] 1516 01:15:54,907 --> 01:15:55,942 Thanks, bro. 1517 01:15:58,310 --> 01:16:00,410 - They're gone, girl. - Where? 1518 01:16:00,412 --> 01:16:02,281 They're on the town. It's just us. 1519 01:16:02,715 --> 01:16:04,214 We're the Just Us League. 1520 01:16:04,216 --> 01:16:06,217 What are you looking at me like that for? 1521 01:16:06,219 --> 01:16:08,055 You're like, "Oh, go fuck yourself." 1522 01:16:11,457 --> 01:16:13,456 Okay, Shan Yu. This is it. 1523 01:16:13,458 --> 01:16:15,796 Your dream is about to come true. 1524 01:16:16,529 --> 01:16:19,263 VIP, out of the way, out of the way. 1525 01:16:19,265 --> 01:16:20,867 [man] Watch your beard, man. 1526 01:16:21,567 --> 01:16:24,501 Okay, everybody. Everybody, listen up. 1527 01:16:24,503 --> 01:16:26,305 We can't take any more extras. 1528 01:16:27,472 --> 01:16:28,938 Get out of here. 1529 01:16:28,940 --> 01:16:30,808 Uh, no. We're... We're next. 1530 01:16:30,810 --> 01:16:34,812 You... No, you're not. Okay? Sign in is done. 1531 01:16:34,814 --> 01:16:36,546 Well, I'm not done, motherfucker. 1532 01:16:36,548 --> 01:16:38,848 Did you not hear that? Get out of here. 1533 01:16:38,850 --> 01:16:42,419 I'm done today and you're done today. 1534 01:16:42,421 --> 01:16:45,859 [babbling] 1535 01:16:48,127 --> 01:16:49,259 Yo. 1536 01:16:49,261 --> 01:16:51,294 If we can't stop this reboot, 1537 01:16:51,296 --> 01:16:53,496 we might as well watch this reboot. 1538 01:16:53,498 --> 01:16:56,200 Get your VIP badges right here. 1539 01:16:56,202 --> 01:16:57,337 One, two, three, four... 1540 01:17:08,280 --> 01:17:10,414 I've never been on a movie set before. 1541 01:17:10,416 --> 01:17:14,919 Oh, we have. And movie people are dicks, especially directors. 1542 01:17:14,921 --> 01:17:16,219 [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, 1543 01:17:16,221 --> 01:17:18,222 the director of Bluntman v Chronic, Kevin Smith. 1544 01:17:18,224 --> 01:17:20,924 ♪ Everybody spot a spliff for the legend Kevin Smith ♪ 1545 01:17:20,926 --> 01:17:23,027 - [music plays] - Hey! 1546 01:17:23,029 --> 01:17:24,931 [cheering] 1547 01:17:27,332 --> 01:17:30,099 Oh, my God, man. Thank you for fucking being here. 1548 01:17:30,101 --> 01:17:33,372 Number one, happy Chronic-Con, everybody. 1549 01:17:35,841 --> 01:17:37,273 I don't know if anybody knows this, 1550 01:17:37,275 --> 01:17:39,543 but last year, I had a heart attack. 1551 01:17:39,545 --> 01:17:42,045 So, what I did was cast the movie 1552 01:17:42,047 --> 01:17:45,382 with a bunch of people who were sad that I almost died. 1553 01:17:45,384 --> 01:17:47,154 - I guilted the cast... - [audience laughs] 1554 01:17:47,787 --> 01:17:50,454 ...into joining the movie. So, you know, SAG should give us 1555 01:17:50,456 --> 01:17:53,057 award for the guiltiest fucking cast, man. 1556 01:17:53,059 --> 01:17:55,092 - [audience laughs] - I hate this guy. 1557 01:17:55,094 --> 01:17:57,329 He forces his kid to be in everything he makes. 1558 01:17:57,762 --> 01:17:59,597 Right now it's just an idea in your heads, 1559 01:17:59,599 --> 01:18:01,365 "Ooh, what can this movie be?" 1560 01:18:01,367 --> 01:18:04,968 Fuck ideas. I'm from Hollywood. That's what we say and shit. 1561 01:18:04,970 --> 01:18:06,070 So, what I'm gonna do, 1562 01:18:06,072 --> 01:18:08,606 we're gonna show you an actual clip from the movie, 1563 01:18:08,608 --> 01:18:12,009 Bluntman v Chronic right now, man. 1564 01:18:12,011 --> 01:18:13,210 [audience cheers and applauds] 1565 01:18:13,212 --> 01:18:17,080 Ladies and gentlemen, Bluntman v Chronic. 1566 01:18:17,082 --> 01:18:18,348 Check this shit out. 1567 01:18:18,350 --> 01:18:19,351 [cheering] 1568 01:18:21,153 --> 01:18:22,155 Woo! 1569 01:18:23,088 --> 01:18:26,158 [dramatic music playing] 1570 01:18:34,533 --> 01:18:38,405 Bluntman! 1571 01:19:03,128 --> 01:19:04,264 [phone dings] 1572 01:19:09,001 --> 01:19:10,270 Holy fuck. 1573 01:19:10,703 --> 01:19:12,205 Oh, you're mad at me? 1574 01:19:14,606 --> 01:19:16,909 Lemme be blunt, man. 1575 01:19:17,310 --> 01:19:19,646 I liked you better when you were silent, Bob. 1576 01:19:23,682 --> 01:19:24,781 [phone dings] 1577 01:19:24,783 --> 01:19:28,619 If you really wanna V, I'm ready to blast your ass 1578 01:19:28,621 --> 01:19:31,487 - and kick you in the hater tots. - [gasping] 1579 01:19:31,489 --> 01:19:33,991 [gasps] Merkin was right, dude. "Hater Totz" does mean 1580 01:19:33,993 --> 01:19:35,726 different things to different people. 1581 01:19:35,728 --> 01:19:37,230 [cocks grenade launcher] 1582 01:19:38,698 --> 01:19:40,367 - [grenade launcher fires] - [grunts] 1583 01:19:46,439 --> 01:19:47,908 [coughs] 1584 01:19:51,243 --> 01:19:55,312 Oh, indica. You son of a bitch. 1585 01:19:55,314 --> 01:19:58,385 Smells like this reboot went up in smoke. 1586 01:19:59,385 --> 01:20:01,954 - Alfred. - Hi, man. 1587 01:20:04,622 --> 01:20:06,123 Sorry to How High, dude, 1588 01:20:06,125 --> 01:20:09,192 but this is now the greatest movie ever made. 1589 01:20:09,194 --> 01:20:10,527 ["Redemption Vibe" playing in background] 1590 01:20:10,529 --> 01:20:13,664 When you said you wanted to V, you meant vaping? 1591 01:20:13,666 --> 01:20:15,969 I thought the V was for versus. 1592 01:20:16,636 --> 01:20:19,102 - Stoners don't fight, man. - No. 1593 01:20:19,104 --> 01:20:20,204 'Cause when you're baked, 1594 01:20:20,206 --> 01:20:23,440 you finally see all the important details, you know? 1595 01:20:23,442 --> 01:20:25,342 You know what I never noticed before? 1596 01:20:25,344 --> 01:20:29,315 This place is, like... It's huge. 1597 01:20:30,082 --> 01:20:33,683 But, like, size is, like, relative, man, you know. 1598 01:20:33,685 --> 01:20:35,956 You know, it's like little dogs. 1599 01:20:36,422 --> 01:20:38,187 They don't know they're little. 1600 01:20:38,189 --> 01:20:40,626 That's why they always start shit with big dogs. 1601 01:20:41,194 --> 01:20:43,593 They don't get size, man. 1602 01:20:43,595 --> 01:20:46,532 Yeah. You know what else they don't get? Money. 1603 01:20:47,632 --> 01:20:49,735 Try explaining money to a dog. 1604 01:20:50,670 --> 01:20:54,670 I have. It just looked at me like, "Oh?" 1605 01:20:54,672 --> 01:20:58,709 I gave a dog a 20-dollar bill once, man. It didn't work out. 1606 01:20:58,711 --> 01:21:01,181 - [laughing] - [phone dings] 1607 01:21:03,815 --> 01:21:07,052 Hey, is this one of those comic book movies, man? 1608 01:21:08,186 --> 01:21:09,288 [chuckling] 1609 01:21:09,889 --> 01:21:12,092 Oh, am I in Black Panther? 1610 01:21:14,060 --> 01:21:15,195 [grunts] 1611 01:21:16,261 --> 01:21:17,529 Oh, fuck. 1612 01:21:19,198 --> 01:21:21,397 - [cheering and applause] - [man] Genius! 1613 01:21:21,399 --> 01:21:22,768 [woman] Wow fucking wow. 1614 01:21:23,769 --> 01:21:26,303 [man] Give that man an Oscar. 1615 01:21:26,305 --> 01:21:28,438 And that's just a taste, ladies and gentlemen. 1616 01:21:28,440 --> 01:21:29,540 That's a soupçon. 1617 01:21:29,542 --> 01:21:32,142 Okay, the scene that we're gonna shoot here today, 1618 01:21:32,144 --> 01:21:36,345 right now, is the invasion of Chronic-Con, man. 1619 01:21:36,347 --> 01:21:38,848 So, give it up for the contemptible 1620 01:21:38,850 --> 01:21:42,421 Cock Knocker Cockmandos, ladies and gentlemen. 1621 01:21:43,122 --> 01:21:46,456 Look at that shit. We spent so much money 1622 01:21:46,458 --> 01:21:48,592 on those costumes it's fucking crazy. 1623 01:21:48,594 --> 01:21:50,460 So, the cast is fucking huge. 1624 01:21:50,462 --> 01:21:51,695 I'm still thinking about putting my friend, 1625 01:21:51,697 --> 01:21:52,795 Jason Mewes, in it and shit. 1626 01:21:52,797 --> 01:21:55,531 And the jury is out on whether I put my kid in it. 1627 01:21:55,533 --> 01:21:56,367 She's an actress now. 1628 01:21:56,836 --> 01:21:58,802 But I don't believe in nepotism so I might leave her out of it. 1629 01:21:58,804 --> 01:22:00,707 Man, she can earn her own fucking keep in Hollywood. 1630 01:22:01,541 --> 01:22:04,110 - Just so I can... - What the fuck are you doing? 1631 01:22:04,944 --> 01:22:06,677 He kind of looks like the director. 1632 01:22:06,679 --> 01:22:08,611 [Kevin Smith] ...is gonna be in the actual picture. 1633 01:22:08,613 --> 01:22:11,482 My bad, I forgot to say spoilers. 1634 01:22:11,484 --> 01:22:14,518 No way, man. That guy wears jorts. 1635 01:22:14,520 --> 01:22:16,352 This guy would never wear jorts. 1636 01:22:16,354 --> 01:22:18,554 - What the fuck are jorts? - Jean shorts. 1637 01:22:18,556 --> 01:22:19,723 [Kevin Smith] That was our goal... 1638 01:22:19,725 --> 01:22:21,791 You stay here. Wait for my signal. 1639 01:22:21,793 --> 01:22:22,759 [Kevin Smith] That's possible. 1640 01:22:22,761 --> 01:22:24,128 You, come with me. 1641 01:22:24,130 --> 01:22:25,062 [Kevin Smith] ...with the walrus movie, 1642 01:22:25,064 --> 01:22:27,296 but look at that. Before we get started, 1643 01:22:27,298 --> 01:22:28,632 I have to go backstage 1644 01:22:28,634 --> 01:22:30,400 and take care of some very important 1645 01:22:30,402 --> 01:22:31,735 director-type things. 1646 01:22:31,737 --> 01:22:33,669 But as soon as I get back, man, 1647 01:22:33,671 --> 01:22:35,606 we're gonna make some movie magic together, 1648 01:22:35,608 --> 01:22:38,509 ladies and gentlemen. Yes, movie magic! 1649 01:22:38,511 --> 01:22:40,413 [cheering and applause] 1650 01:22:40,845 --> 01:22:43,546 Where is my smoking jacket? 1651 01:22:43,548 --> 01:22:45,214 Did you see that crowd out there, Mike? 1652 01:22:45,216 --> 01:22:48,518 Fuck, man. We're back, bitch. Fuck Cop Out. 1653 01:22:48,520 --> 01:22:50,486 Thank you, my friend. 1654 01:22:50,488 --> 01:22:52,623 Mm, life is good. 1655 01:22:52,625 --> 01:22:56,762 Life is good and I'm now alone and finally... 1656 01:22:58,396 --> 01:22:59,399 Mm. 1657 01:23:20,618 --> 01:23:21,621 Hey! 1658 01:23:22,121 --> 01:23:23,890 - Sleep, sleep, sleep. - [choking] 1659 01:23:25,858 --> 01:23:27,260 Where's this signal at? 1660 01:23:30,695 --> 01:23:31,928 [man] I need to talk to him. 1661 01:23:31,930 --> 01:23:33,664 - He is occupied. - [man] Who are you? 1662 01:23:33,666 --> 01:23:34,830 [Milly] He told me to tell you... 1663 01:23:34,832 --> 01:23:35,831 [man] He told you what? 1664 01:23:35,833 --> 01:23:37,836 - Those girls and that old man. - He told you? 1665 01:23:44,710 --> 01:23:45,578 So... 1666 01:23:46,311 --> 01:23:49,213 the director stopped speaking to me. Yeah. 1667 01:23:49,215 --> 01:23:50,281 I'm the first AD. 1668 01:23:50,283 --> 01:23:51,915 Right, so this whole thing has gone off the rails. 1669 01:23:51,917 --> 01:23:53,784 This is a shitshow, worse than House Party 4. 1670 01:23:53,786 --> 01:23:54,951 Trust me when I say that. 1671 01:23:54,953 --> 01:23:57,553 But he told some little girl who I've never met before 1672 01:23:57,555 --> 01:24:00,656 to tell me to tell you that he would like all of you diverse 1673 01:24:00,658 --> 01:24:03,259 and interesting young children to get on stage with him today 1674 01:24:03,261 --> 01:24:04,227 and do this scene. 1675 01:24:04,229 --> 01:24:05,963 Hello, everybody. 1676 01:24:05,965 --> 01:24:09,569 I'm here because Kevin Smith lost his voice. 1677 01:24:11,002 --> 01:24:12,635 [coughs] 1678 01:24:12,637 --> 01:24:17,273 Oh. But he asked me to tell you to welcome to the stage 1679 01:24:17,275 --> 01:24:22,411 all the way from China, Bluntman superfan, Shan Yu. 1680 01:24:22,413 --> 01:24:23,916 [cheering and applause] 1681 01:24:29,654 --> 01:24:30,956 Woo! 1682 01:24:37,729 --> 01:24:38,730 Come on. Come on. 1683 01:24:42,368 --> 01:24:43,733 [gun cocks] 1684 01:24:43,735 --> 01:24:44,871 [gasping] 1685 01:24:46,072 --> 01:24:50,540 Oh, holy shit. That girl just pulled a gun on Kevin Smith. 1686 01:24:50,542 --> 01:24:53,309 'Cause she probably paid to see Yoga Hosers. 1687 01:24:53,311 --> 01:24:54,814 That's not Kevin Smith. 1688 01:24:55,814 --> 01:24:56,816 Fist him. 1689 01:24:58,751 --> 01:25:00,517 Oh, shit. 1690 01:25:00,519 --> 01:25:03,286 The guy that's not Kevin Smith just got fisted. 1691 01:25:03,288 --> 01:25:05,789 And he didn't even use lubricant. 1692 01:25:05,791 --> 01:25:07,894 Throw that trash into the garbage. 1693 01:25:09,395 --> 01:25:10,760 Commence collusion. 1694 01:25:10,762 --> 01:25:12,265 - [gunshot] - [gasping] 1695 01:25:12,931 --> 01:25:15,367 So the fake Cock Knockers are the real bad guys. 1696 01:25:15,835 --> 01:25:18,367 Fuck, this movie's hard to keep straight. 1697 01:25:18,369 --> 01:25:20,303 What are you doing, Shan Yu? 1698 01:25:20,305 --> 01:25:22,442 Is it not as clear as vodka? 1699 01:25:23,009 --> 01:25:25,310 I'm not teenager from China. 1700 01:25:28,980 --> 01:25:30,349 [gasping] 1701 01:25:31,082 --> 01:25:33,983 I am secret agent from Russia. 1702 01:25:33,985 --> 01:25:36,855 One of them was wearing a cat suit, I fucking knew it. 1703 01:25:41,393 --> 01:25:43,262 [Russian agent] He smells American too. 1704 01:25:58,877 --> 01:26:01,547 Russia's infiltrated American banks, 1705 01:26:02,213 --> 01:26:04,984 we have infiltrated American elections, 1706 01:26:05,451 --> 01:26:07,886 and now, thanks to you... 1707 01:26:08,854 --> 01:26:12,891 we infiltrate American pop culture conventions. 1708 01:26:13,826 --> 01:26:14,958 Why? 1709 01:26:14,960 --> 01:26:16,692 Take out your mobile devices 1710 01:26:16,694 --> 01:26:18,829 and broadcast this historic moment 1711 01:26:18,831 --> 01:26:20,565 to the rest of the world. 1712 01:26:21,833 --> 01:26:23,866 What if you only have a flip phone? 1713 01:26:23,868 --> 01:26:25,771 People of America... 1714 01:26:27,038 --> 01:26:31,777 I come in peace, but director of Jersey Girl... 1715 01:26:34,078 --> 01:26:35,447 [Kevin Smith] Holy fuck! 1716 01:26:36,481 --> 01:26:37,216 Ow. 1717 01:26:37,783 --> 01:26:42,585 He will soon go to pieces when I execute him live on internet. 1718 01:26:42,587 --> 01:26:44,388 [gasping] 1719 01:26:44,390 --> 01:26:46,492 Is this because I'm a proud jorts wearer? 1720 01:26:46,958 --> 01:26:48,959 This because you're standard issue, 1721 01:26:48,961 --> 01:26:52,562 overrated American pop culture celebrity 1722 01:26:52,564 --> 01:26:54,430 who repeats himself artistically, 1723 01:26:54,432 --> 01:26:57,567 if what you do can even be called art, 1724 01:26:57,569 --> 01:27:00,773 and clings desperately to past glory of 1990s. 1725 01:27:01,840 --> 01:27:03,572 You've been talking to my wife. 1726 01:27:03,574 --> 01:27:05,577 I'm not gonna let you do this, Shan Yu. 1727 01:27:06,145 --> 01:27:09,713 But you helped me do this, Millennium. 1728 01:27:09,715 --> 01:27:13,016 I catfish you and your friends 1729 01:27:13,018 --> 01:27:15,451 so I can harness the liberal sympathies 1730 01:27:15,453 --> 01:27:17,553 of broken young women 1731 01:27:17,555 --> 01:27:20,960 who hoped to fill the deep emotional void left by... 1732 01:27:21,760 --> 01:27:24,931 a sibling who tries to kill you... 1733 01:27:25,963 --> 01:27:28,934 or the solitude of silence... 1734 01:27:29,734 --> 01:27:33,903 or worsen your privileged life crying about the father 1735 01:27:33,905 --> 01:27:36,809 who left you before you were even born. 1736 01:27:37,676 --> 01:27:41,143 Ooh, sick fucking burn, man. I'll shut up. 1737 01:27:41,145 --> 01:27:43,448 [Jay] Maybe her dad didn't leave her. 1738 01:27:44,048 --> 01:27:45,083 [Russian agent] What he say? 1739 01:27:47,051 --> 01:27:48,552 Maybe her dad didn't even know 1740 01:27:48,554 --> 01:27:50,155 he had a kid until the other day. 1741 01:27:52,090 --> 01:27:53,690 What are you saying? 1742 01:27:53,692 --> 01:27:55,491 Jesus, for a private school girl, 1743 01:27:55,493 --> 01:27:58,398 you're pretty fucking stupid. I'm your father. 1744 01:27:59,898 --> 01:28:01,000 Oh, God. Wait. 1745 01:28:03,167 --> 01:28:06,969 - No way. No... No fucking way. - Yes fucking way. 1746 01:28:06,971 --> 01:28:09,772 But I only found out the day we came to Chicago 1747 01:28:09,774 --> 01:28:11,241 and I wanted to tell you the whole trip, 1748 01:28:11,243 --> 01:28:13,175 but I promised your mom I wouldn't. 1749 01:28:13,177 --> 01:28:15,678 But I'm telling you now, because, sometimes, 1750 01:28:15,680 --> 01:28:19,182 breaking a promise is the right fucking thing to do, all right? 1751 01:28:19,184 --> 01:28:21,485 Because if I kept every promise I ever made, 1752 01:28:21,487 --> 01:28:23,018 you wouldn't be here, 1753 01:28:23,020 --> 01:28:24,219 because this one time, 1754 01:28:24,221 --> 01:28:26,889 I made a promise to your mom that I wouldn't cum in her. 1755 01:28:26,891 --> 01:28:29,692 - What the fuck, man! - Look, I'm sorry, all right? 1756 01:28:29,694 --> 01:28:32,728 I was only stalling so I could get closer 1757 01:28:32,730 --> 01:28:36,802 to the guy with the big-ass gun, now! 1758 01:28:38,904 --> 01:28:40,036 Yes! 1759 01:28:40,038 --> 01:28:41,474 - Here comes... ♪♪♪ - [grenade launcher clicks] 1760 01:28:41,940 --> 01:28:43,940 This fucker's fake, dude. 1761 01:28:43,942 --> 01:28:45,043 Why would it be real? 1762 01:28:45,810 --> 01:28:47,076 No! 1763 01:28:47,078 --> 01:28:49,211 Don't any of you cosplaying cocks have some 1764 01:28:49,213 --> 01:28:51,113 - real fucking guns? What the... - [Russian agent] I sees him... 1765 01:28:51,115 --> 01:28:52,685 - Let him go! - Nyet. 1766 01:28:53,252 --> 01:28:55,785 Before we execute Kevin Smith... 1767 01:28:55,787 --> 01:28:56,719 Fuck. 1768 01:28:56,721 --> 01:28:59,889 ...first, we execute this old degenerate. 1769 01:28:59,891 --> 01:29:02,526 - No! - Old? Man, fuck you! 1770 01:29:02,528 --> 01:29:05,995 I give big daddy a moment to offer his newfound daughter 1771 01:29:05,997 --> 01:29:10,901 any last heartfelt words before we stop his heart. 1772 01:29:10,903 --> 01:29:13,969 Kid, I'm okay with dying right now, 1773 01:29:13,971 --> 01:29:18,040 because I know a small piece of me is gonna live on in you. 1774 01:29:18,042 --> 01:29:20,809 Not if they fucking kill me too, you idiot. 1775 01:29:20,811 --> 01:29:24,050 Holy shit, you're right. Somebody save me! 1776 01:29:24,815 --> 01:29:25,917 [thud] 1777 01:29:28,287 --> 01:29:29,152 What was that? 1778 01:29:29,154 --> 01:29:32,955 Ooh, you made him mad, he's mad now! 1779 01:29:32,957 --> 01:29:34,023 [thud] 1780 01:29:34,025 --> 01:29:36,127 [agents speaking in Russian] 1781 01:29:36,795 --> 01:29:42,598 - What is that, Ted Underhill? - I am not Ted Underhill. 1782 01:29:42,600 --> 01:29:45,067 Oh, fuck. He's got a secret identity. 1783 01:29:45,069 --> 01:29:48,170 - Allow me to introduce myself. - [thud] 1784 01:29:48,172 --> 01:29:49,675 - I'm Jay... - [thud] 1785 01:29:50,509 --> 01:29:53,246 ...and this is my hetero-lifemate... 1786 01:29:55,314 --> 01:29:57,182 Iron Bob! 1787 01:30:00,953 --> 01:30:02,218 [Russian agent] It's Robert Downey, Jr. 1788 01:30:02,220 --> 01:30:04,624 - What? - Oh, Marvel gonna sue somebody. 1789 01:30:13,631 --> 01:30:14,863 [Russian agent] Shoot the tin man. 1790 01:30:14,865 --> 01:30:16,868 Shoot! keep shooting! 1791 01:30:19,104 --> 01:30:20,773 [groans] Dasvidaniya! 1792 01:30:22,841 --> 01:30:24,641 Yeah, Iron Bob! 1793 01:30:24,643 --> 01:30:26,846 [Russian agent] For Mother Russia! Ow! 1794 01:30:38,756 --> 01:30:40,091 We know that guy. 1795 01:30:42,293 --> 01:30:45,762 Holy fuck! I can't wait until they make him a Funko Pop. 1796 01:30:45,764 --> 01:30:47,033 [speaking High Valyrian] 1797 01:30:54,905 --> 01:30:57,973 Oh, my God, he just spoke fucking Valyrian! 1798 01:30:57,975 --> 01:31:00,943 I'll fuck anything that moves! 1799 01:31:00,945 --> 01:31:01,812 Eject! 1800 01:31:01,814 --> 01:31:03,979 Holy shit, this shit's fucking bananas! 1801 01:31:03,981 --> 01:31:06,252 Go! Hadouken! 1802 01:31:06,752 --> 01:31:08,918 Man, I smell some fucking good weed, 1803 01:31:08,920 --> 01:31:10,053 that's some of that dank-ass shit, 1804 01:31:10,055 --> 01:31:12,921 knock a motherfucker out just like that. Like I said... 1805 01:31:12,923 --> 01:31:14,292 [sniffing] 1806 01:31:17,929 --> 01:31:21,333 [Russian agent] Oh, shit. I've been drugged. [groans] 1807 01:31:22,667 --> 01:31:23,835 That's strong shit. 1808 01:31:24,269 --> 01:31:26,402 Hey, little girl. Can I buy some weed from you? 1809 01:31:26,404 --> 01:31:27,606 I'm busy. 1810 01:31:28,407 --> 01:31:31,043 - [screeching] - [all groaning] 1811 01:31:33,744 --> 01:31:35,914 My precious podcasting ears! 1812 01:31:36,515 --> 01:31:38,684 - Fuck! - It hurts, Yes? 1813 01:31:39,283 --> 01:31:42,988 That's because this is not a podcast recording device. 1814 01:31:44,088 --> 01:31:46,826 It is KGB sonic disrupter. 1815 01:31:47,326 --> 01:31:49,362 - You suck! - [laughs] 1816 01:31:53,331 --> 01:31:54,699 [speaks Russian] 1817 01:31:58,904 --> 01:31:59,905 Fuck, yeah! 1818 01:32:05,277 --> 01:32:06,976 Let's get aggressive, girls. 1819 01:32:06,978 --> 01:32:08,279 [yelling] 1820 01:32:12,016 --> 01:32:13,083 Fuck. 1821 01:32:13,085 --> 01:32:14,854 [grunting] 1822 01:32:16,320 --> 01:32:18,220 That joint you gave me really came in handy. 1823 01:32:18,222 --> 01:32:20,292 Whatever you do, don't tell your mom I gave you weed. 1824 01:32:21,158 --> 01:32:24,460 Oh, my God, I fucking love this reboot. Oh, shit. 1825 01:32:24,462 --> 01:32:25,329 All right. 1826 01:32:25,331 --> 01:32:27,464 So right about now, man, we finished up 1827 01:32:27,466 --> 01:32:30,032 all three acts of the story, all the main characters 1828 01:32:30,034 --> 01:32:31,302 are where they need to be... 1829 01:32:32,170 --> 01:32:35,071 all that's left is the emotional denouement. 1830 01:32:35,073 --> 01:32:36,071 In order to get there, 1831 01:32:36,073 --> 01:32:38,911 maybe I'll start a slow dissolve right about now. 1832 01:32:58,796 --> 01:32:59,964 So now what do we do? 1833 01:33:00,465 --> 01:33:02,232 I wanted to talk to you about that. 1834 01:33:02,234 --> 01:33:03,235 Um... 1835 01:33:04,502 --> 01:33:06,005 I've never had a kid before. 1836 01:33:06,505 --> 01:33:08,306 It's okay, I never had a dad before. 1837 01:33:10,074 --> 01:33:11,174 Yeah, but the thing is... 1838 01:33:11,176 --> 01:33:13,746 Is I don't know if I'm ready to be somebody's dad. 1839 01:33:17,248 --> 01:33:20,251 Save it, old man. I... I get it. 1840 01:33:28,126 --> 01:33:29,459 Like I was saying, 1841 01:33:29,461 --> 01:33:31,928 I don't know if I'm ready to be somebody's dad, 1842 01:33:31,930 --> 01:33:33,365 so I wanna practice. 1843 01:33:33,864 --> 01:33:37,400 And so I figured, why not start off with a dream I always had 1844 01:33:37,402 --> 01:33:39,335 of drinking coffee with my kid 1845 01:33:39,337 --> 01:33:42,141 and teaching her stuff that she doesn't already know. 1846 01:33:42,974 --> 01:33:43,976 Like dad stuff. 1847 01:33:45,143 --> 01:33:46,145 Okay? 1848 01:33:47,546 --> 01:33:50,013 ["Daughter" by Pearl Jam playing] 1849 01:33:50,015 --> 01:33:51,880 Okay. I've hung out in front of this store 1850 01:33:51,882 --> 01:33:55,153 almost my whole life. My advice, don't do that. 1851 01:33:56,154 --> 01:33:57,223 Not for a while. 1852 01:33:57,855 --> 01:33:59,455 First, find a best friend 1853 01:33:59,457 --> 01:34:01,424 you can have a whole lot of adventures with. 1854 01:34:01,426 --> 01:34:03,526 But pick a good listener, 1855 01:34:03,528 --> 01:34:05,861 someone that always has your back 1856 01:34:05,863 --> 01:34:07,799 even when he's standing right next to you. 1857 01:34:08,899 --> 01:34:10,101 ♪ Young girl ♪ 1858 01:34:11,302 --> 01:34:12,904 ♪ Violins ♪ 1859 01:34:14,005 --> 01:34:16,438 ♪ Center of her own attention ♪ 1860 01:34:16,440 --> 01:34:23,047 ♪ The mother reads aloud Child tries to understand it ♪ 1861 01:34:23,847 --> 01:34:26,284 - ♪ Tries to make her proud ♪ - [phone dings] 1862 01:34:28,220 --> 01:34:30,320 ♪ The shades go... ♪ 1863 01:34:30,322 --> 01:34:32,955 But don't worry about fucking up in life, okay? 1864 01:34:32,957 --> 01:34:36,860 Silent Bob always says, "Failure is success training." 1865 01:34:36,862 --> 01:34:39,097 How come you aren't the most successful man in the world? 1866 01:34:39,898 --> 01:34:40,666 I am today. 1867 01:34:41,166 --> 01:34:46,134 ♪ Don't call me daughter Not fit to, not fit too... ♪ 1868 01:34:46,136 --> 01:34:47,903 All right, enough of that mushy stuff. 1869 01:34:47,905 --> 01:34:50,509 Um, we have a whole lot of catching up to do, kiddo. 1870 01:34:51,208 --> 01:34:53,845 - Alright. You ready? - Let's do it, Dad. 1871 01:34:54,445 --> 01:34:56,912 Okay. So, one time me and Silent Bob went 1872 01:34:56,914 --> 01:34:59,482 to this mall, right? And then, a couple of years later, 1873 01:34:59,484 --> 01:35:03,355 we fought these renegade angels and met God herself. 1874 01:35:03,787 --> 01:35:06,188 And even though me and Silent Bob saved the world, 1875 01:35:06,190 --> 01:35:08,527 all these Catholics got pissed off at us anyway. 1876 01:35:09,194 --> 01:35:10,996 Fuck them if they can't take a joke. 1877 01:35:13,163 --> 01:35:14,496 Snoogans. 1878 01:35:14,498 --> 01:35:17,366 Oh, my God, you're learning, snooge. 1879 01:35:17,368 --> 01:35:20,236 All right. Anyways, after all that angel stuff, 1880 01:35:20,238 --> 01:35:22,504 me and Silent Bob went to Hollywood. 1881 01:35:22,506 --> 01:35:24,473 That was the first time we went to Hollywood 1882 01:35:24,475 --> 01:35:27,677 where we met your mom and a monkey named Suzanne. 1883 01:35:27,679 --> 01:35:30,946 Yeah. She still sends us Christmas cards every year. 1884 01:35:30,948 --> 01:35:32,115 My mom? 1885 01:35:32,117 --> 01:35:35,585 No, the monkey. Oh, and then the Quik Stop burned down, 1886 01:35:35,587 --> 01:35:38,924 which is right around the time me and Silent Bob went to rehab. 1887 01:35:39,490 --> 01:35:40,559 Why'd you guys go to rehab? 1888 01:35:41,493 --> 01:35:45,928 We got caught driving around with deployed airbags. 1889 01:35:45,930 --> 01:35:47,365 ♪ Not fit to ♪ 1890 01:35:48,100 --> 01:35:53,201 ♪ The picture kept Will remind me ♪ 1891 01:35:53,203 --> 01:35:58,206 ♪ Don't call me daughter Not fit to be ♪ 1892 01:35:58,208 --> 01:36:03,111 ♪ The picture kept Will remind me ♪ 1893 01:36:03,113 --> 01:36:05,116 ♪ Don't call me ♪ 1894 01:36:06,216 --> 01:36:07,317 [record scratching] 1895 01:36:07,319 --> 01:36:08,619 ["Drinking Blunts" by MC Chris plays] 1896 01:36:08,621 --> 01:36:11,653 ♪ Drinkin' blunts, smoking 40's Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪ 1897 01:36:11,655 --> 01:36:13,388 ♪ That's what this kid Does for fun ♪ 1898 01:36:13,390 --> 01:36:15,191 ♪ Pour some smoke Into that cup ♪ 1899 01:36:15,193 --> 01:36:18,460 ♪ Drinkin' blunts, smokin' 40's Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪ 1900 01:36:18,462 --> 01:36:20,196 ♪ That's what this kid Does for fun ♪ 1901 01:36:20,198 --> 01:36:21,731 ♪ Pour some smoke Into that cup ♪ 1902 01:36:21,733 --> 01:36:23,499 ♪ Like this beat And how it bounces ♪ 1903 01:36:23,501 --> 01:36:25,268 ♪ Don't smoke trees We smoke tree houses ♪ 1904 01:36:25,270 --> 01:36:26,969 ♪ Break them bushes Shred them shrubs ♪ 1905 01:36:26,971 --> 01:36:28,537 ♪ Can't match the passion Well, I match these nubs ♪ 1906 01:36:28,539 --> 01:36:30,305 ♪ Wreck them trees Like Iron Giant ♪ 1907 01:36:30,307 --> 01:36:32,141 ♪ Taco Bell is where My time went ♪ 1908 01:36:32,143 --> 01:36:33,643 ♪ Would you like A fiesta bowl? ♪ 1909 01:36:33,645 --> 01:36:35,311 ♪ Christopher wants A siesta bowl ♪ 1910 01:36:35,313 --> 01:36:36,745 ♪ Low rider liked it 'Cause it bounces up ♪ 1911 01:36:36,747 --> 01:36:38,513 ♪ Now roll that window Like a basket bruh ♪ 1912 01:36:38,515 --> 01:36:40,383 ♪ Hey snickerin' clown Put your licorice down ♪ 1913 01:36:40,385 --> 01:36:42,151 ♪ It's just like a joint But it's bigger and brown ♪ 1914 01:36:42,153 --> 01:36:44,187 ♪ It's a blunt, but yo We don't smoke them ♪ 1915 01:36:44,189 --> 01:36:46,054 ♪ We soak them With our 40's open ♪ 1916 01:36:46,056 --> 01:36:47,522 ♪ Actin' loopy in our hooptie ♪ 1917 01:36:47,524 --> 01:36:49,325 ♪ Sippin' on our doobie smoothie ♪ 1918 01:36:49,327 --> 01:36:51,597 - ♪ Yeah ♪ - ♪ That's right, y'all ♪ 1919 01:36:52,997 --> 01:36:54,298 ♪ Smoothies with weed in them ♪ 1920 01:36:54,300 --> 01:36:57,333 ♪ Drinkin' blunts, smoking 40's Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪ 1921 01:36:57,335 --> 01:36:59,067 ♪ That's what this kid Does for fun ♪ 1922 01:36:59,069 --> 01:37:00,635 ♪ Pour some smoke Into that cup ♪ 1923 01:37:00,637 --> 01:37:04,139 ♪ Drinkin' blunts, smokin' 40's Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪ 1924 01:37:04,141 --> 01:37:05,674 ♪ That's what this kid Does for fun ♪ 1925 01:37:05,676 --> 01:37:07,410 ♪ Pour some smoke Into that cup ♪ 1926 01:37:07,412 --> 01:37:10,713 ♪ 40 shorty suck a titty It ain't pretty in Cloud City ♪ 1927 01:37:10,715 --> 01:37:14,217 ♪ Billy D and 45, pour that shit And watch it rise ♪ 1928 01:37:14,219 --> 01:37:15,785 ♪ Christopher B is sayin' What's in this? ♪ 1929 01:37:15,787 --> 01:37:17,687 ♪ Christopher Lee is drinkin' Old English ♪ 1930 01:37:17,689 --> 01:37:20,690 ♪ Budweiser, St. Ives, MGD And a Billy Valentines ♪ 1931 01:37:20,692 --> 01:37:22,625 ♪ Turn it counterclockwise bring The weed if you're holdin' ♪ 1932 01:37:22,627 --> 01:37:24,527 ♪ Ain't heard me girl You put a shit in a cold... ♪ 1933 01:37:24,529 --> 01:37:26,195 Holy shit, dude. She uses Jaws 1934 01:37:26,197 --> 01:37:28,167 as a unit of measurement, just like us. 1935 01:37:29,567 --> 01:37:31,534 Stars are similar to Jay and Silent Bob, 1936 01:37:31,536 --> 01:37:34,202 - aren't they? - [laughing] 1937 01:37:34,204 --> 01:37:36,805 Um, I love watching the... The work, you go, 1938 01:37:36,807 --> 01:37:40,143 "Oh, fuck, I stranded myself. How do I not say 'us, ' 1939 01:37:40,145 --> 01:37:42,214 anything but 'us, ' if I say 'us' they'll kill me." 1940 01:37:45,315 --> 01:37:47,450 [Kevin Smith] It's called Jay and Silent Bob Reboot, 1941 01:37:47,452 --> 01:37:48,651 and you're a huge character... 1942 01:37:48,653 --> 01:37:50,053 - Wonderful. - ...in the whole thing. 1943 01:37:50,055 --> 01:37:51,387 - Oh, great, I can't wait. - So, we're... 1944 01:37:51,389 --> 01:37:52,621 I'm... I'm put... Doing it here, 1945 01:37:52,623 --> 01:37:53,522 - so, you have to... - Right. 1946 01:37:53,524 --> 01:37:54,657 - ...agree to do the movie. - [applause] 1947 01:37:54,659 --> 01:37:57,393 Can't we do a little of it now and stop wasting time? 1948 01:37:57,395 --> 01:37:58,727 - Go to that place. - All right. Here we go. 1949 01:37:58,729 --> 01:37:59,731 - Action. - Action. 1950 01:38:00,164 --> 01:38:01,367 Hey, fella... 1951 01:38:02,567 --> 01:38:03,633 [laughing] 1952 01:38:03,635 --> 01:38:05,401 You already broke character, Lee. 1953 01:38:05,403 --> 01:38:07,405 What the hell? We're burning film, man. 1954 01:38:08,273 --> 01:38:09,539 Hey, fella. 1955 01:38:09,541 --> 01:38:11,406 [laughing] 1956 01:38:11,408 --> 01:38:13,543 How do I get to... [chuckles] 1957 01:38:13,545 --> 01:38:15,210 How do I get to Comic-Con? 1958 01:38:15,212 --> 01:38:17,080 This is why I only cast you in one movie, 1959 01:38:17,082 --> 01:38:18,815 you can't get through a line without laughing at me. 1960 01:38:18,817 --> 01:38:19,950 [laughing] 1961 01:38:19,952 --> 01:38:22,085 No, but we got to be serious... This is a serious thing. 1962 01:38:22,087 --> 01:38:24,620 Here we go. And take two. And action. 1963 01:38:24,622 --> 01:38:26,525 Hey, fella. How do I get to Comic-Con? 1964 01:38:28,393 --> 01:38:31,593 - Well, then respond. - Silent Bob. 1965 01:38:31,595 --> 01:38:32,829 Oh, you don't talk? 1966 01:38:32,831 --> 01:38:33,964 [crew laughs in background] 1967 01:38:33,966 --> 01:38:36,165 - That's the smart thing. - Get the hell out of my scene 1968 01:38:36,167 --> 01:38:37,503 and get me Jay. 1969 01:38:40,671 --> 01:38:43,839 How High is our Bible, man. Me and Silent Bob modeled 1970 01:38:43,841 --> 01:38:46,541 our whole fucking lives after Silas and Jamal. 1971 01:38:46,543 --> 01:38:50,545 I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy, and lean n mean here 1972 01:38:50,547 --> 01:38:54,116 is my botanical BFF. What? Ooh, popcorn playa. 1973 01:38:54,118 --> 01:38:55,485 This affidavit is from a Hollywood 1974 01:38:55,487 --> 01:38:57,256 - motion picture company. - Hollywood, Florida? 1975 01:38:57,855 --> 01:39:00,223 Hollywood, California. 1976 01:39:00,225 --> 01:39:01,290 Oh, that one? 1977 01:39:01,292 --> 01:39:03,159 Two tickets to Hollywood. 1978 01:39:03,161 --> 01:39:06,265 - Hollywood, Florida? - No, Hollywood, California. 1979 01:39:06,698 --> 01:39:07,696 Oh. 1980 01:39:07,698 --> 01:39:09,598 Says here you're supposed to go to Hollywood? 1981 01:39:09,600 --> 01:39:11,299 You mean Hollywood, Florida? 1982 01:39:11,301 --> 01:39:12,837 No. Hollywood, California. 1983 01:39:13,671 --> 01:39:14,372 [groans] 1984 01:39:14,905 --> 01:39:18,508 Jay and Silent Bob, uh, spent so much time on themselves 1985 01:39:18,510 --> 01:39:19,875 that they should pay us rent. 1986 01:39:19,877 --> 01:39:22,577 - [Judge Jerry chuckles] - I knew I'd get you. 1987 01:39:22,579 --> 01:39:24,546 Why are you prosecuting? You should be a stand-up. 1988 01:39:24,548 --> 01:39:25,682 I have a show this weekend. 1989 01:39:25,684 --> 01:39:27,549 - I'll definitely come out. - Okay, great. I'm gonna... 1990 01:39:27,551 --> 01:39:29,287 - I'll text you later. - Can I object? 1991 01:39:29,787 --> 01:39:32,621 Ooh, my daughter, Banner, she's fighting with Renee 1992 01:39:32,623 --> 01:39:34,589 and keeps sending the most delicious texts. 1993 01:39:34,591 --> 01:39:37,727 Listen. "Dear Sega Boy." Snoogans. 1994 01:39:37,729 --> 01:39:40,662 "How am I supposed to grow as a woman when Mom is always 1995 01:39:40,664 --> 01:39:42,430 standing on my fucking dick?" 1996 01:39:42,432 --> 01:39:44,834 - Wait, your daughter has a dick? - No. 1997 01:39:44,836 --> 01:39:47,202 But she sure can be one to her mom and I love it. 1998 01:39:47,204 --> 01:39:50,272 You see, kids, teenagers are like The Incredible Hulk. 1999 01:39:50,274 --> 01:39:53,843 Normal one minute, a rage of emotions the next. 2000 01:39:53,845 --> 01:39:56,344 You'll see one day when one of you guys has a kid. 2001 01:39:56,346 --> 01:39:57,448 Probably the quiet one. 2002 01:39:57,881 --> 01:40:00,451 Shit. No female swipes right on Groot here. 2003 01:40:00,918 --> 01:40:03,785 And I was always so worried that I would get a female pregnant. 2004 01:40:03,787 --> 01:40:05,854 When I did have sex, I'd pull out, 2005 01:40:05,856 --> 01:40:07,790 run to the other side of the room, 2006 01:40:07,792 --> 01:40:10,326 and I bust a nut in my jacket pocket, 2007 01:40:10,328 --> 01:40:11,561 just to be safe. 2008 01:40:11,563 --> 01:40:14,597 How High is the greatest movie ever made. 2009 01:40:14,599 --> 01:40:17,767 Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives after it. 2010 01:40:17,769 --> 01:40:18,968 Okay, wait a minute. Are we... 2011 01:40:18,970 --> 01:40:21,340 Are we talking about the same How High here? The movie? 2012 01:40:22,306 --> 01:40:23,705 The one we're in? 2013 01:40:23,707 --> 01:40:25,641 Yeah, the one we was in, goddammit. 2014 01:40:25,643 --> 01:40:27,910 See? I told your black ass 2015 01:40:27,912 --> 01:40:30,649 that How High would age like a fine Chablis. 2016 01:40:31,248 --> 01:40:34,416 Uh-huh, I'm not a pedophile. I'm here on the behalf 2017 01:40:34,418 --> 01:40:38,888 of a man you might know, Mr. J-E-S-E-S, Jesus. 2018 01:40:38,890 --> 01:40:43,326 I'm a Christian vigilante, they call me the Holy Roller. 2019 01:40:43,328 --> 01:40:45,727 - [laughs] - Super cool. 2020 01:40:45,729 --> 01:40:47,629 This guy's a fucking idiot. 2021 01:40:47,631 --> 01:40:49,498 Who's been our ally this entire trip. 2022 01:40:49,500 --> 01:40:50,532 [Milly sighs] 2023 01:40:50,534 --> 01:40:52,171 Especially when he saved our lives. 2024 01:40:53,470 --> 01:40:54,970 This conversation really does not pass 2025 01:40:54,972 --> 01:40:56,839 the Bechdel Test right now. 2026 01:40:56,841 --> 01:40:59,808 Holy shit, dude, it's them. They're here. 2027 01:40:59,810 --> 01:41:01,943 Jersey represent. 2028 01:41:01,945 --> 01:41:03,946 Wait, you don't recognize us? 2029 01:41:03,948 --> 01:41:07,316 You almost beat me up when I was a kid, 2030 01:41:07,318 --> 01:41:10,622 because I said an unkind word about Morris Day. 2031 01:41:11,622 --> 01:41:12,821 That's you guys? 2032 01:41:12,823 --> 01:41:14,557 What, do you guys work here or something? 2033 01:41:14,559 --> 01:41:16,528 Dude, we're the Kush Boys. 2034 01:41:17,261 --> 01:41:19,562 Dude, like, you own all this stuff. 2035 01:41:19,564 --> 01:41:21,563 Yeah, we took a page out of your book. 2036 01:41:21,565 --> 01:41:23,031 We stopped buying weed, 2037 01:41:23,033 --> 01:41:25,034 started selling that shit instead. 2038 01:41:25,036 --> 01:41:27,570 Hey, thanks to you guys, we are financially thriving 2039 01:41:27,572 --> 01:41:30,639 - in the cannabis space. - We're weed millionaires. 2040 01:41:30,641 --> 01:41:32,243 So that means we get some free weed? 2041 01:41:32,810 --> 01:41:35,878 - Fuck, no. - No, that will be 200 bucks. 2042 01:41:35,880 --> 01:41:37,315 Dude, I've always wanted to do this. 2043 01:41:37,748 --> 01:41:40,383 "Two hundred bucks, little man." 2044 01:41:40,385 --> 01:41:42,454 "Put that shit in our hands." 2045 01:41:43,287 --> 01:41:44,288 Fair enough. 2046 01:41:46,457 --> 01:41:48,290 Dude, there is more lens flare 2047 01:41:48,292 --> 01:41:50,692 than a J.J. Abrams movie in here. 2048 01:41:50,694 --> 01:41:52,563 I hate all of these fuckers. 2049 01:41:53,831 --> 01:41:54,833 Hi. 2050 01:41:55,332 --> 01:41:58,334 Um, can my friends and I cut the line? 2051 01:41:58,336 --> 01:42:00,338 - Fuck no. - Yeah, what she said. 2052 01:42:01,706 --> 01:42:02,708 Happy Chronic-Con. 2053 01:42:03,274 --> 01:42:05,441 How's The Walking Dead gonna end? 2054 01:42:05,443 --> 01:42:08,611 Oh, um, Carol actually eats Daryl? 2055 01:42:08,613 --> 01:42:12,415 Fuck. No... Carol turns into a walker? 2056 01:42:12,417 --> 01:42:14,886 Uh, no. She just eats Daryl. 2057 01:42:15,353 --> 01:42:17,085 Oh, fuck. Uh, spoilers, 2058 01:42:17,087 --> 01:42:18,553 I'm really sorry about that one. 2059 01:42:18,555 --> 01:42:21,891 [screams] Fuck! What the fuck was that for? 2060 01:42:21,893 --> 01:42:24,026 That's for killing Glenn and Carl! 2061 01:42:24,028 --> 01:42:25,831 Oh, fuck. Fair enough. 2062 01:42:26,331 --> 01:42:28,664 This reboot is doomed, man. 2063 01:42:28,666 --> 01:42:29,531 Maybe it would've had a chance 2064 01:42:29,533 --> 01:42:30,732 if they got Kevin Smith from the '90s, 2065 01:42:30,734 --> 01:42:33,304 back when he had the juice to get Affleck in his movies. 2066 01:42:33,771 --> 01:42:36,571 Ew, wait. Didn't he make that Jersey Girl movie? 2067 01:42:36,573 --> 01:42:37,906 Yeah, I wasn't a fan, 2068 01:42:37,908 --> 01:42:40,910 but Affleck was the bomb as Batman, yo. 2069 01:42:40,912 --> 01:42:44,080 Word, bitch! Bat-fleck like a motherfucker! 2070 01:42:44,082 --> 01:42:46,048 Ah ha! What's up now? 2071 01:42:46,050 --> 01:42:48,420 - [beeps] - [whirring] 2072 01:42:49,621 --> 01:42:52,620 Oh, hello again. Still just a hologram, same rules apply. 2073 01:42:52,622 --> 01:42:54,357 Don't fucking touch me. Now, if you're looking 2074 01:42:54,359 --> 01:42:56,592 for the Bluntman v Chronic shoot, go left. 2075 01:42:56,594 --> 01:42:59,361 But if you're looking for, uh, I don't know, some version 2076 01:42:59,363 --> 01:43:02,531 of completing your character arc and becoming the superdad 2077 01:43:02,533 --> 01:43:04,799 that your daughter never really knew she had, go right. 2078 01:43:04,801 --> 01:43:07,937 If I was in this movie, um, I know which way I'd go. 2079 01:43:07,939 --> 01:43:08,972 Straight out the door. [chuckles] 2080 01:43:08,974 --> 01:43:10,839 Let's be honest, I wouldn't be in this movie, 2081 01:43:10,841 --> 01:43:12,474 I'd never be in this fucking movie. 2082 01:43:12,476 --> 01:43:13,942 I got, like, 37 franchises 2083 01:43:13,944 --> 01:43:15,844 and honestly, I don't really need another one. 2084 01:43:15,846 --> 01:43:19,617 Anyway, dishes are done, man. Here we go, bye-bye. Peace. 2085 01:43:20,650 --> 01:43:22,019 Where do you think you're going? 2086 01:43:23,688 --> 01:43:25,388 Yo, we got badges now. 2087 01:43:25,390 --> 01:43:28,089 "We have badges." Stop butchering the English language. 2088 01:43:28,091 --> 01:43:30,925 And I don't care. You're getting the bum's rush. 2089 01:43:30,927 --> 01:43:33,862 Wait. Are you a chocolate fan? 2090 01:43:33,864 --> 01:43:36,531 Not that it'll change your fortunes one iota, 2091 01:43:36,533 --> 01:43:40,702 but since I'm not a Nazi robot, yes, I like chocolate. 2092 01:43:40,704 --> 01:43:44,643 Well, this is the best chocolate in the whole wide world. 2093 01:43:45,109 --> 01:43:46,611 Bullshit. 2094 01:43:48,145 --> 01:43:49,380 Give me that. 2095 01:43:52,182 --> 01:43:53,618 Punch, edible's... 2096 01:43:55,685 --> 01:43:56,852 [Kevin Smith] Holy fucking shit. 2097 01:43:56,854 --> 01:43:58,086 Where did these people come from? 2098 01:43:58,088 --> 01:44:00,423 Hey, kids! What the fuck is going on here? 2099 01:44:00,425 --> 01:44:01,723 They're the contest winners. 2100 01:44:01,725 --> 01:44:03,526 Their prize is a walk-on in the movie. 2101 01:44:03,528 --> 01:44:05,428 - This movie? - Yeah. 2102 01:44:05,430 --> 01:44:07,028 They should have held out for a way better movie, 2103 01:44:07,030 --> 01:44:08,129 - am I right? - I totally agree. 2104 01:44:08,131 --> 01:44:09,231 Man, fuck you. 2105 01:44:09,233 --> 01:44:13,067 Hey, kids! Man, I'm gonna find a way to get you all 2106 01:44:13,069 --> 01:44:16,805 into an uncuttable cameo in the movie, man. 2107 01:44:16,807 --> 01:44:18,840 All right. Emily, fuck off! We're trying to take a picture. 2108 01:44:18,842 --> 01:44:21,979 All right, kids. All smiles, big, wide eyes. Here we go. 2109 01:44:27,051 --> 01:44:28,720 Excuse me. Hey, kid! 2110 01:44:29,820 --> 01:44:31,486 You ruined my fucking movie career, 2111 01:44:31,488 --> 01:44:32,955 - you know that? - Um, I've seen 2112 01:44:32,957 --> 01:44:34,190 your flicks, Smitticles. 2113 01:44:34,192 --> 01:44:36,058 You killed your own movie career. 2114 01:44:36,060 --> 01:44:38,497 Oh, my God, you little monster. Who raised you? 2115 01:44:42,033 --> 01:44:44,500 [cheering] 2116 01:44:44,502 --> 01:44:46,004 I'm so done with Kevin Smith. 2117 01:44:49,140 --> 01:44:50,142 [man] Fuck. 2118 01:44:51,141 --> 01:44:53,041 Oh, you see that guy over there? 2119 01:44:53,043 --> 01:44:56,010 For 25 years, we've been coming here every night 2120 01:44:56,012 --> 01:44:57,515 and putting gum in the locks.