For years, losing my virginity
felt just as impossible as losing the weight.
So I hadn't given it much thought.
But now...
I wanted to take out my new body and see what it could do.
I still wasn't totally comfortable in my new skin.
But feeling Brick's skin against mine was driving me crazy.
I was making out with the guy I'd been crushing on since junior high.
It was my schoolgirl fantasy come true.
I didn't care if it was love.
For the first time in my life, I was hungry
for something other than food.
And I wanted more.
Wow, wow. Hey, slow down.
Why? Am I doing something wrong?
No. I just...
I really like you and Magnolia always said I was going too fast, so.
I'm not Magnolia.
Unless you're not sure?
Are you not attracted to me?
No, no, no. No. I am.
I definitely am.
I...
I just...
I still think it should be special.
Let me do something nice for you.
I know what you can do for me.
Oh my God.
Magnolia's freaking that you're not returning her texts.
She's asking me if I think you're hooking up with someone else.
You guys are friends?
We won't be for long if she finds out about us.
God, it's so unfair. Magnolia gets everything she wants.
Pageant crowns and friends and you.
Now that's finally my turn, she gets to make me feel guilty about it.
Hey.
I won't tell her if you don't.
Could you also not tell your dad?
He'll just get worried that you're gonna distract me from Miss Magic Jesus.
Trust me, the last thing I want is for him to get involved.
Why won't Magnolia...
Oh, it's your dad.
Crap!
I gotta go get my baptism certificate.
- Could you give me a ride? - Mm-hm.
You were never baptized?
Patty, I asked you about this weeks ago!
I assumed that I was.
I know we don't go to church, but we're in the Bible Belt.
Everyone I know has been baptized, even Jews.
Why would I be the exception?
I kept meaning to do it.
I was kinda busy after you were born, making up six...
nine months of not drinking.
Besides, you don't really believe in all that stuff, do you?
What, God? A higher power?
The thing that you said got you sober
and kept you from ending up dead in a ditch?
You're right. Why would I believe in any of that?
I figured maybe you would protect my immortal soul from eternal damnation.
You know, just in case hell is real.
Oh, it is real. All right?
Without that baptism certificate, you are in pageant purgatory.
No Miss Magic Jesus, no Miss American Lady.
I have to talk to Pastor Mike before orientation.
Pastor who?
He just took over the Fourth Baptist Church.
He is in charge of the pageant.
Maybe he'll make an exception, show us some of the Lord's mercy.
No way, Jose. Look.
I may be new to the whole pageant thing, but it's just common sense.
Patty can't be in a pageant called Miss Magic Jesus if she isn't baptized.
It just wouldn't be kosher.
Well, could you do a quickie baptism, you know, like a dunk 'n' go?
I don't do dunk 'n' goes. The big boss wouldn't approve.
- The big boss? - God, Bob.
And you don't wanna piss him off.
I'd have to baptize Patty properly.
She would need spiritual counseling first and then godparents.
Well, is one enough?
I suppose so.
Great. Then I will be her godfather.
Are you sure you are up to the task?
Isn't it like you just say, I'm her godfather and then it's done?
- Like bibbidy bobbidi... - That's a fairy godmother, Bob.
Right. Got it.
You would be pledging to be Patty's spiritual mentor and role model
for her entire life.
Do you feel that you embody the Fruits of the Spirit?
I mean, yeah.
I feel like my insides are appropriately fruity.
You wanna be my godfather?
I have to be, if we're gonna get you baptized.
Otherwise, Pastor Mike won't let you compete.
I'm already your coach.
It's not that big a leap,
except being responsible for you for the rest of your life.
'Til death do us part?
Hmm, more like a father figure.
Meet me in Pastor Mike's office as soon as orientation is over.
We'll start spiritual counseling.
I've never looked at Bob as a father.
He was always more of a DILF, but I was dating Bob's son.
So, why not put Bob in charge of my Holy Spirit?
- Move out of the way, Fatty. - Suck it, Dixie.
Not you. Her.
Wasn't the plus-size pageant last week?
Wasn't the pocket-sized pageant last month?
Or did you make a wrong turn on the way to Smurfs, the Musical?
It's cool. I got this.
I like the way I look.
That's why I do pageants.
To show people that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.
Even short little mofos like you.
I think you might be my new best friend.
I thought I was your new best friend.
Did you get my text?
Yeah, sorry. I was tied up.
So, what do you think? Is Brick seeing someone else?
No way. I'm sure you're just being paranoid.
I saw you kiss him at the dog wash, you slut!
I gave you the chance to come clean
and you just kept digging yourself deeper and deeper into a hole.
Screw you and your hole. Nobody messes with my sister.
We are not sisters.
Yes, we are. We share a bedroom. And a toothbrush.
I knew you were using my toothbrush. Don't do that.
And you, you broke the girl code.
You can't steal your friend's boyfriend.
I didn't steal him. You guys were broken up.
I told you I wanted him back and you went after him anyway.
Could you be anymore selfish?
You're selfish. Brick is happy.
You dumped him and now he likes me, so get over it.
Oh, no she didn't.
You think you're hot shit now because you're skinny?
You're a basic bitch.
And I'm gonna beat your ass in this pageant and every other pageant
until the end of time.
Hello, ladies. Welcome to Miss Magic Jesus.
Everybody take a seat.
And if the choir would start us off, please.
What did she mean, "now that you're skinny"?
I lost 70 pounds. So now it's my turn to get the guy.
Being skinny don't mean shit if you're ugly on the inside.
Patty, the act of baptism means dying to your old self
and committing yourself to a Christly existence.
Jesus was so fully committed to serving others,
he was willing to die for their sins.
A woman worthy of winning Miss Magic Jesus
needs to focus on serving others, instead of self-gratification.
- What? No. - Patty.
I'm sorry. What's wrong with self-gratification?
I deserve to be happy. I've spent years being miserable.
The source of all misery is selfishness.
That's the original sin.
And I bet you could think of examples from your own life
when acting on selfish impulses has caused pain to you or other people.
Well I...
I did just kiss my friend's boyfriend. Or ex-boyfriend.
And now she's really mad at me.
- Wait, what? - And I may have broken up Bob's marriage.
Wow. You mean, you two are "involved"?
Absolutely not.
Patty, let it slip to my wife that I had an affair twenty years ago.
Which I regret.
Coralee is taking a break to think.
And how's the rest of your family taking the separation?
I... Ugh, I don't know.
My daughter's in Iraq and my son Brick and I don't talk that much, so.
Bob, you can't be a good godfather to Patty
if you can't be a good father to your son.
And being a parent is the perfect way to practice being of service.
Trust me, I know.
You have children?
A son.
Christian.
You guys, this baptism is a perfect opportunity
for you both to change your lives.
But you cannot reap the benefits of being of service
if you don't do the footwork first.
So, where do we start?
You should each pick a simple act of selflessness.
Bob, you should reach out to your son.
Do something nice for him.
And Patty, you might wanna reach out to your friend.
The one whose boyfriend you stole. Might be a good way to make amends.
Now if you both pursue this in earnest,
I will baptize Patty in time for Miss Magic Jesus.
But, mark my words, if you don't take it seriously,
I will know.
I didn't believe this God stuff, but he would never know.
I did love my son and I needed to get Patty baptized, so...
Bob, I'm serious.
I have been blessed with the gift of discernment.
I can put my hands on someone's body and see into their soul.
I'll prove it.
You were desperate.
Ready to throw in the towel, end it all.
End it all?
He couldn't possibly know about the gun in my glove box.
But she saved you.
Okay, that's enough.
Um, so we will see you tomorrow.
Be of service.
Maybe Pastor Mike was right. With God, all things were possible.
I could save my soul and win the crown.
But first things first, I needed to get baptized.
Which meant I needed to do something nice for Magnolia.
I'm gonna set Magnolia up with Christian.
It's like a good deed to make up for dating her ex.
Couldn't you just stop dating Brick?
I don't want to.
Besides, Brick likes me now and Christian and Magnolia are perfect for each other.
He's hot, available, and they already know each other 'cause he's her drug dealer.
Sounds divinely inspired.
Just don't become too pure to watch Drew eat human flesh
because we're binging season one of Santa Clarita Diet.
Oh, I can't.
I've just got a lot to do this weekend with the pageant and getting baptized
and Brick.
We'll watch it next weekend, I promise.
I'll watch Santa Clarita Diet with you.
It's not the same.
So, do you wanna do something else?
There's an open mic night at a coffee house I like.
You like to hang out in coffee houses?
There's more to Choi than meets the eye.
Hey.
I think you should ask out Magnolia Bernard.
I think I should ask you out.
Um, no. You screwed me over.
Remember?
Besides, you're a drug dealer.
So judgmental.
And anyway, I'm dating Brick Armstrong.
Good for you. There's just one problem.
You're not into Brick. You're into me.
- That's not true. - No?
Hmm-mm.
Why do you want me to ask out Magnolia?
Because I'm trying to do something nice for her by setting her up with a hot guy.
Oh, see?
You think I'm hot.
That's not the point.
So, you're not... feeling anything?
Nope.
Nothing at all?
Hmm-mm.
Then I'll never...
ever...
kiss you.
Thanks for the tip about Magnolia.
Hey. I have a proposition for you.
I'm listening.
I hear you're pissed Brick is seeing Patty Bladell.
You want him back?
Why is this any of your business?
What better way to make Brick jealous than go out with the guy he hates most?
What's in it for you?
I'm into Patty and she's into me. She's just in denial right now.
So, you think if we go out... it'll make them both crazy?
Yeah. Like in one of those stupid movies from the 80's.
We could go to Brick's wrestling match, make a spectacle of ourselves.
I love spectacles. Like the circus. I'll bring snacks.
You are not coming.
But I'm lonely! And I miss my momma.
I have nobody to plot with.
And now you're plotting revenge and I want in.
It's not a plot.
It's a date.
Hey.
My dad has a pastry cooking class tonight, so we'll have the house all to ourselves.
It'd be really special.
Pastor Mike was right.
I'd done something selfless, and I was being rewarded.
Maybe I could be of service to Brick too.
Hey, buddy. I was thinking about our talk.
About how we never spend time together,
and I was thinking maybe I could take you shopping for some new clothes or...
No, thanks. I have a date.
Changing your own sheets? Roses, candles.
You are having a sex date.
Don't you have a pastry class to get to?
- Are you back together with Magnolia? - No.
Well, who is it?
None of your business.
Is it another mom from school?
Not funny, Dad.
I agree.
The fact that you had sex with the one person
I hate the most in the world
is not funny. It's not funny at all.
I'm not talking to you about this.
Oh, I think we should.
Did you do it to get back at me?
You think I slept with Regina because of you?
I know that you were angry that I am not more involved in your life.
Maybe you did it to try and get my attention.
- I did it to get laid. - Okay.
Trust me, when I was with Regina,
you were the last person I was thinking about.
But once again, thank you.
Thank you for making everything about yourself.
Mom's right, you are a narcissist.
Yeah. The last time I talked to her, she called you that.
I didn't know what it meant, so I looked it up.
Your mother should not be calling me names,
but I'm glad you are improving your vocabulary.
How are the rest of your studies? Oh, come on.
I'm trying to be more involved in your life.
Really? Do you even know I have a huge wrestling tournament tomorrow?
Oh, are you still doing that?
Good talk, Dad.
It was clear, I needed to connect with Brick on his terms, not mine.
Which meant I had some research to do.
- Coach Al? - Yeah?
I'm Bob Armstrong. Brick's dad.
I... Your assistant coach said I could find you here.
Brick's a great kid. It's nice to finally meet you.
I'm sorry that I haven't come to see you sooner.
I was hoping you could explain wrestling to me,
so I could be more supportive.
- Bob? - Bob?
What are you doing here?
I'm a wrestling booster. Gotta keep up the team spirit. Go Merlins!
Now, if you wanna know wrestling, Mr. Armstrong,
there's nobody better to explain it than Bob.
Really? 'Cause you're the coach. It's kinda your job to explain.
Who better than the former captain of Masonville's championship team?
The last thing I wanted was to ask Bob "Booster Club" Barnard for anything.
Happy to help. Here, put this on.
What? You want me to wear a unitard?
It's called a singlet. Get dressed, I'll show you some moves.
Oh, no. I just came here to talk.
Easier to show than to tell. That is, unless you're chicken.
I am not... chicken.
Great. Meet me in the gym in ten.
Watch and follow.
Now, you gotta lower your level. Bend your knees, tuck your elbows.
You gotta go lower, Bob. It's gotta be lower.
Yeah, that's it, just like that.
Okay, first move I'm gonna show you, it's called the penetration shot.
Yeah. All right, now.
Back, you step, knee down.
Bring your knee up.
Okay, your turn.
That's it.
How's Coralee? Talked to her?
Have you?
She's been checking in.
Seems like she's still pretty upset. You guys think you're gonna work it out?
I'd be more worried about Magnolia if I were you.
How's she doing? You talked to her about the drugs?
- She's fine. - I'm happy to hear.
I was concerned.
Especially with Miss Magic Jesus.
The only thing I'd be concerned about is Magnolia kicking Patty's ass.
That's called finishing.
I had waited for this moment for so long.
To have Brick all to myself,
but I couldn't get Christian out of my head.
I felt guilty.
I have a surprise for you.
So you...
open it while I open these.
But I couldn't help it.
Christian smelled so good and when he whispered in my ear,
it was like my body was on fire.
I was consumed with thoughts about...
Brick, you decent?
Dad? I thought you had a pastry class?
I canceled. Permission to enter?
Denied. Talk through the door.
Well, after you pointed out my lack of interest in wrestling,
I did some research.
Turns out the night before a big match, you're supposed to keep
all that testosterone and fluids inside your body.
Dad, go away.
So, I'm gonna give you five seconds to get decent.
Five, four,
- three, two... - Shh!
Patty.
She's the sex date?
- You told him we were gonna have sex? - No, I didn't tell him anything about us.
- I told him not... - I can't believe you.
First, you sleep with my mortal enemy,
and now you are trying to seduce my protégée.
Seriously? You're gonna make this about you, again.
Wait, is this some kind of sick "eff you" to your dad?
- No, Patty, I promise... - You know what? I'm gonna go.
If Brick was using me, I picked the wrong guy.
But the guy I wanted, I had set up with someone else.
By being selfless, I had screwed myself.
What the hell, Dad? I like Patty and you just cock blocked me.
Brick, you have to be careful. You can't toy with Patty's emotions.
Seriously? You're more worried about her than me?
No. I am trying to protect you.
Patty is... complicated.
And when she gets upset, she acts out.
I just don't wanna see you get hurt.
Bullshit! You just don't want her to lose.
Why are you suddenly so interested in everything I do?
I wanna be a good dad.
Out of the blue. I mean, why now?
I have been meeting with Pastor Mike
and he says that if I wanna be a good godfather,
I need to be a better dad.
- So I'm really trying. - Godfather?
- To who? - To Patty.
You're gonna be Patty's godfather? Since when do you go to church?
I don't. But Patty needs to be baptized for Miss Magic Jesus,
so it looks like I'd better start.
Wow! Two children of your own, but that's not enough to make you find religion.
- But for Patty, I mean, we just... - That's not what I meant.
Look, hmm? It's just Patty needs a father figure.
Her mom is a mess.
Right, and you're not?
Thanks for the ride.
I was glad you called.
My AA meeting is starting soon, but it's just around the corner.
I could drop you off at home or...
you could come with.
I'd love to spend a little extra time, you know?
You okay?
You've been unusually quiet.
I think Brick might not be into me for the right reasons.
Oh, babe. I'm sorry.
I know how excited you've been about that.
You've been into him for such a long time.
Hmm.
And I'm sorry about the whole baptism thing.
You know, you were right. It's a big deal. I should have done it.
But I'll be there Sunday.
Better late than never, right?
Yeah, if Pastor Mike agrees to go through with it.
He wants me to think less about myself and more about other people,
but I already did a selfless good deed.
I set Magnolia up with another guy to make up for stealing Brick.
Wait, you stole Brick?
Oh my God, he's here.
The guy that I set Magnolia up with.
That I like better.
Maybe that's a sign...
that I should be with him instead.
Wait, you stole Brick from Magnolia
and now you're gonna steal the other guy too?
- Does Pastor Mike sign off on this? - No.
'Cause it doesn't sound like you're thinking about other people.
It sounds like you're being selfish.
Says the woman who was too busy getting drunk to get me baptized.
You think I'm selfish? Great. Turning out just like you.
Hey. What are you doing here?
It doesn't matter. Do you have a car?
Do you wanna go for a drive or something?
You have a great voice too. You should get up there and sing.
Shh.
Thank you.
If any of you are interested in seeing a beauty pageant contestant
who eats something besides celery and rice cakes,
come out and support me in Miss Magic Jesus this weekend.
So...
you never answered my question about Patty.
I told you to let me know when you've figured out how you feel
and you've been dodging me ever since.
I'm not dodging you, I'm here with you right now.
But I want this to be like a date
and I don't know if it is because I don't know if you're gay.
Neither do I, okay?
Look, I'm not stupid.
I know what people say about me,
even before the whole Dixie vag pic thing.
And I've thought about it... a lot.
Like, whether or not it's true.
And?
And it's not like I check out girls in school,
like, in the hallway or in the locker room.
Except normal,
are-her-boobs-bigger-than-mine kinda stuff.
That's so hot.
I just don't think I'm into girls.
- Okay. So... - But I do think I might be into Patty.
Oh my God! You must hate me.
The opposite, actually.
Like, a lot the opposite.
- Which sucks for me a little bit. - I can't believe I just told you that.
I gotta...
Hey. You okay?
I'm fine.
You don't look fine.
I'm not fine.
- Wanna talk about it? - Ugh.
Definitely not.
I've already overshared tonight. And you're a total stranger.
Which means you can tell me pretty much anything and it'll be safe.
Beats hiding out in a bathroom... feeling alone.
Right?
I just told a guy who likes me that I'm in love with my best friend.
Does she know? Your best friend?
What makes you think it's a she?
I don't know.
Just a vibe.
Is it not a she?
No, it is, but I'm putting out a vibe?
- Have you told your friend how you feel? - No. God, no.
Have you guys ever...?
Okay, you ask a lot of questions.
I'm a very curious person.
Listen.
I know we're strangers, but if you don't wanna be,
you should call me.
Or you can just tell your friend.
Because if I was her, I'd be all in.
So...
about setting you up with Magnolia.
I think maybe I shouldn't have done that.
Why? It was a great idea.
Going to the wrestling meet together, so, thanks.
She's hot.
I get why she's a beauty queen.
But not you.
Why, because you think she's prettier than me?
Because you seem rock n' roll.
Pageants seem so... Michael Bublé.
Rock n' roll?
Are you, like, forty?
Don't even get me started.
AC/DC.
Led Zeppelin. Ozzy?
They're all, like, old.
There's no real rock anymore, nothing that tells the truth.
Okay. Clearly this is a subject you've thought a lot about.
We all have our passions.
Yours apparently is pageants, which I'll never understand.
I do it for revenge.
Oh, that's rock n' roll.
What are you doing?
I wanna give this my full attention.
What revenge?
I used to be fat.
And people tortured me.
And I wanna show everyone who was mean to me that they're all losers
and that I'm a winner.
I knew it.
From the second I sat next you, I could feel it.
Knew what?
You're angry.
Twisted.
Hungry.
Like me.
No, we can't.
We can.
What about Magnolia?
You said you shouldn't have set us up. Who cares?
I do. I'm trying not to be selfish.
- Who is it? - Brick.
Loser.
He's not a loser.
He's my boyfriend.
And I'm gonna call an Uber.
Christian may have seen the person I was,
but Brick saw the person I wanted to be.
And if I wanted Pastor Mike to see that I had changed,
I needed to stay as far away from Christian as possible.
I got into a fight with my daughter. She called me selfish.
And I think she's right.
- Just makes me wanna say, "Fuck it". - I hear you.
Throw out my 33 days and get drunk.
- Exactly. - To feel good.
Or even just better.
Anything to fill this God-sized hole.
Shit! Oh my God! I did it again.
Uh... Oh. And you're my sponsor, so...
What the hell is wrong with me?
- There is nothing wrong with you. - What are you talking about?
I slept with the closest thing I had to a spiritual advisor.
And now I need a new one so badly that I had to ask you to make a house call.
- Thank you for coming, by the way. - Oh, no, I was glad you reached out.
Everything happens for a reason, Angie, and God is everything or God is nothing.
They say that in AA.
Are you a twelve-stepper?
Let's just say I have a past.
Booze?
Drugs? Gambling?
Strippers?
It doesn't matter, except that it brought me to God.
Fine. Don't tell me. You're no fun.
No, I'm fun. But it's the kind of fun that lands you in jail.
The good news about hitting bottom is that the only place to go is up.
But you have to be willing to do the work. You have to be willing to save yourself.
You need to bring your attention back to you.
But I thought you told Patty to be less focused on herself?
Well, I'm not talking about selfishness, I'm talking about self-care.
You need to be able to meet your own needs without looking outside yourself.
Because no amount of drinking or drugging
or sex is gonna fix you.
It really is an inside job.
See, Pastor Mike, when you say "inside job,"
I think of something else.
Angie, we need to get you back to the real you.
Before the booze and the sex and the drugs.
Honestly, I don't remember.
Hey, but I have some old journals.
Maybe I could find some answers in there.
Here's to finding answers.
Answers.
I was determined to show Brick that I cared about him.
And now that I knew some tricks of the trade,
I was gonna be the most supportive father in the crowd.
That is a technical violation!
- Hey, how's Brick doing? - Great!
But that other boy is a cheater,
plus his onesie is not doing him any favors.
- I don't think that's what it's... - Go, Brick!
Be his boss!
Listen, Patty. I hope you understand, but I am here to support Brick.
I don't want him to think I'm here to talk to you, so.
Yeah, sure. I get it.
- Patty's totally looking. - Brick's not.
So. Do you wanna stop?
Actually...
no.
This one's for you, babe.
Hey. I didn't know you were coming.
Your mom said you'd be here. I wanted to talk to you.
A weird thing happened to me last night and I feel kind of crazy.
Oh my God, I feel crazy.
I set up Magnolia and Christian so Magnolia wouldn't be mad about Brick,
but now I can't stop thinking about Christian.
But I can't steel her boyfriend a second time, that would be selfish.
Oh my God! Seriously?
Uh! Which hot guy should I be with? Nobody cares!
Helmet, helmet!
Nonnie, slow down!
Hey, wait! What's wrong?
I told you something crazy happened to me, but you ran right over it.
- I'm sorry. What happened? - A girl asked me out.
- What d'you say? - I didn't really say anything.
Okay, so what's the crazy thing?
That's it!
I just told you. It totally freaks me out.
She said I put out a vibe.
Do you think I put out a vibe?
- A vibe, what kind of vibe? - A gay vibe!
I don't know, I've never really thought about it.
Yeah, of course you've never thought about it.
You've never, ever thought about it, that's the fucking problem!
- Why are you getting so upset? - Because!
This!
Nonnie.
I love you.
More than anyone in the world.
But not like that.
Oh, God.
Oh my God.
I've ruined everything.
No. No you didn't.
- Nothing has to change. - Of course it does.
- Wait. - Everything's different now.
Why? I don't care.
Oh my God! You always make it about you!
What do you mean, "always"?
Even before you got skinny,
even before Bob and pageants and the fucking hot guys,
all we ever talked about was you.
How you felt, what you wanted,
and now I'm finally, finally figuring out what I want
and you're still making it about you?
God! Could you be more self-involved?
Penetrate him!
Finish him off!
- Brick Armstrong is down... - Hold up, son. Easy.
What happened?
I messed up.
Yeah, me too.
Easy.
Are you... Is he all right?
Yeah, it looks like it's just a sprain.
- Oh, thank God. - Are you kidding me?
This was my biggest meet of the season and you ruined it.
I like it a lot better when you didn't care about me, so...
don't ever come to any of my matches again.
Let's hear it for him, folks. Brick Armstrong.
All I do is hurt him, like my dad did to me. I...
I wish I could just wave a magic wand and be a better dad.
Like a fairy godmother.
Maybe you can.
Get baptized with me tomorrow.
Pastor Mike says it's a new beginning, a fresh start.
Look. I'd love to believe
that a dip in a kiddie pool will wash away all my sins
and save my marriage and improve my relationship with Brick,
but it seems like kind of a lofty expectation, don't you think?
What do you have to lose?
She had already saved me once when I was going to end it all.
Maybe she could do it again.
A double dunk.
Well, I like it. That is, if you're both ready.
Bob.
Mm. So much longing.
Yeah, to fix things with my son. I really screwed that up.
It's more than that.
You have a God-sized hole.
I don't know what that means.
It means nothing will ever be enough to fill you up.
Nothing, except the Holy Spirit.
Okay. Am I good to go or what?
You are.
And Bob, whatever it is you're yearning for,
God will provide.
Patty.
What? What's wrong?
That's a lot going on there.
- You need this more than I thought. - I know.
I'm starting to wonder if I'm terminally selfish.
Patty... Shh! Of course you're not.
Hold on, Bob. Patty, what do you mean?
My best friend told me she was in love with me.
- I could have told you that. - And I said all of the wrong things.
All I can think about is getting what I want.
I think even this selfless thing that I did was all about me.
Patty, stop! We need to get you baptized.
We really do. She really needs this.
What if it doesn't work?
Have you ever had someone who couldn't be saved?
No.
Not yet.
We'll start in a few minutes.
- Hi. - Pastor Mike.
- Oh, hi. - I found something. In my journal.
Okay.
It's a list of all the guys I slept with.
From when I was 17.
Wow. Wow! You were busy.
Kinda thought of it as a badge of honor.
But I was only Patty's age.
And the thought of her like this, I don't want her to turn out like me.
I need your help.
Tomorrow. Today is Patty's day.
Right. Today's not about me.
Oh.
Hey.
I'm sorry for overreacting to you guys dating.
You are?
Turns out it was for the best.
I like Christian, a lot.
So... friends?
- Friends. - Friends.
To you guys.
Wow.
That's a relief.
Did you just make up with Patty?
No. I spiked her cider with liquid molly.
When Pastor Mike sees she's high, she'll be out of Miss Magic Jesus.
Nobody fucks with a Barnard.
Oh my God.
We are sisters.
We are therefore buried into baptism with Him through death.
Just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father,
we too may live a new life.
Bob.
For the first time in days, I finally felt peace.
I could already feel the power of the Spirit.
I felt warm, ecstatic. Like I was pure love.
It was a truly religious experience.
I almost felt like I was high.
I just knew once I was dunked,
all my selfishness would be gone and everything was going to be fine.
Hey. Hey!
Down here.
Yeah, it's me, the donut.
I'm talking to you.
Are you God?
No. I'm your hole. Your God-sized hole.
The reason you're obsessed with food and boys and Bob.
What do you want?
I want you to fill me up.
Oh, you'll never be satisfied unless you take what you want.
I thought I was supposed to be self "less."
Screw selflessness. You only live once.
Don't let that hot bad boy get away.
Patty's high. Look!
Yes! She was moved by the Spirit.
Oh, that's just bullshit.
God damn it. I'm so sorry, all.
I knew exactly what I wanted. And exactly what I had to do.
We need to break up, sorry.
- Pastor Mike was wrong. - Hey, babe...
It wasn't time to be selfless...
You. Come with me.
It was time for me to finally get what I want.
Patty may have been moved by the Spirit, but I just felt...
Wet.
Nothing had changed.
Hey, buddy.
You okay?
Patty broke up with me.
My first straight blow off and I really...
I really liked her.
I'm sorry...
for making it about me.
Well, I...
I was thinking about the Regina thing.
You were right, Dad...
that was about you.
So...
sorry.
Coach told me you stopped by.
- And that you let Barnard kick your ass. - Yeah.
- I even put on a body suit. - It's a singlet.
Thanks, Dad.
Maybe miracles were possible after all.
It was finally my time to get what I wanted.
Wait. I don't have protection. We don't want any surprises.
Seriously?
Relax. There's other stuff we can do.
I'm gonna do something nice for you.
Oh, God.