I had spent so much of my life
thinking I was cursed to be fat and unlucky...
and alone.
But I had finally found true love...
and now, I felt blessed.
Here was this beautiful, sexy, amazing guy,
and he had picked me.
I was willing to give him everything.
I've never done this before.
That's okay.
You can trust me.
I love you.
That... was fun.
Fun?
Joyriding through Alabama together was fun.
Cow tipping in Oklahoma was fun.
Ordering pay-per-view porn and getting pizza was fun.
But this?
Maybe I wasn't cursed, maybe I was an idiot.
What was I thinking?
I'd left my mom and my home, Bob, and for what?
Fun?
I won?
Where the F are you? Are you okay?
What do you mean, I'm Miss Magic Jesus?
Magnolia got disqualified.
She cheated on the Bible quiz, and then she overdosed on pills.
Oh, my God. Is she okay?
Thankfully, yes. She's gonna be fine.
Barnard is taking her to rehab,
which means the first runner-up gets the crown, you.
But if you're not here in the next 12 hours,
it goes to the second runner-up, Dixie.
Are you coming?
I don't know.
Listen, I read your note...
...and I... I apologize for not being there 100 percent
on your pageant day.
I got the DNA test back.
Roxy's not my daughter, but even if she was,
you and I have worked too hard for me to give up on you.
So, please don't give up on me.
Especially not for some boy.
I mean, I know you probably can't see it, but...
Christian is... is not worth it.
Come home before it's too late.
Where's Pastor Mike?
Bathroom. He'll be back in a minute.
Well, I'm ready for my new crown.
I even bumped up my bouffant poof with more cushion
so it'll lay nice and flat.
No, no, may... maybe this was a mistake.
Oh, too much cushion? I can take it down a notch.
No, no, not your hair. It's this...
It's this whole pageant thing.
Look, I'm responsible for you now, which means I have to look out for you.
But I'm worried that pageants might be toxic.
I pushed Magnolia too hard, she ended up in rehab.
Oh, that won't happen to me. I don't do drugs.
Right.
Well, but you're still delicate, erratic.
Oh, well, thank you, Daddy. I think you're sexy, too.
No, not erotic. Erratic. It... Unstable.
You think I'm crazy? No, it's okay, everybody does.
My momma took me to every doctor there is.
I got OCD, over-focused ADD, and I'm on the spectrum.
Sorry, my family's normal. I don't know what that means.
It means, when I get something in my head, I'm like a dog with a bone.
If it's revenge, it's revenge.
If it's a guy, it's a guy.
And if it's Miss American Lady, it's a crown.
That's why my momma put me into pageants, to channel all of this for good.
- Right. - Pageants keep me sane.
So don't take my bone away, or someone might get bit.
What the hell is she doing here?
Sorry for the confusion.
Turns out Patty will be claiming the crown.
What?! No! You said it was gonna be mine!
I'm sorry. When Bob told me Patty left town,
- I just assumed... - Do something!
My crazies get triggered when somebody changes the plan!
Oh...
This was always the plan.
What?
Come on, Patty, let's claim what's rightfully yours.
Mm-hmm.
Oh...
I loved being Miss Magic Jesus.
It had been the most magical two weeks of my life.
I got the key to the city, I got to read to orphans.
Now, this is your last Wiener Taco for a little while.
Gotta start tightening that belt before regionals.
Hmm?
- Still not talking to Christian? - He's not worth it.
Oh, good. You don't need distractions now.
We got a lot to do before regionals, starting with getting you a sponsor.
A sponsor? Like my mom has in AA?
No, no, a sponsor like someone to fund your campaign.
I mean, regionals are not cheap.
Between the entry fee and the wardrobe and the makeup,
you're looking at upwards of $5,000.
But that is where the sponsor comes in.
Most titleholders find a local business willing to foot the bill
in exchange for the promotion of their brand.
Okay, why can't you do it? Your law firm's a local business.
Well, because ideally, the sponsor's related to your platform in some way.
Join us for our grand reopening and the unveiling of our Ween-Mobile.
Choi?
What are you doing?
My job.
My dad sold the Booze 'N Stuff and bought this place, so...
I'm supposed to be drumming up business for our grand reopening.
He looked like a wienie,
but his hard shell gave me an idea for a hard sell.
You want Wiener Taco to be your pageant sponsor?
Think about it.
It would be a great opportunity to spread the word about the grand reopening.
And you'd be doing good for the community,
supporting Patty's platform of raising awareness of eating disorders.
What does Wiener Taco have to do with eating disorders?
So glad you asked, Mr. Choi.
Like any new restaurateur, you wanna widen your customer base.
What better way to do that
than by adding healthier options to the menu?
What's a Leaner Wiener?
It's the healthy version of the Wiener Taco.
So like a turkey wiener, or a veggie wiener.
Wouldn't that be a greener wiener?
Imagine, a healthy eating campaign,
fronted by Masonville's very own Miss Magic Jesus,
who advocates for positive body image.
Also, I could host your grand reopening.
We could call you the Wiener Queen,
or the Wiener Taco Belle.
- We'll make you a Wiener crown. - Hold your roll, Choi.
I just opened a business. What makes you think I have any money
to throw at a pageant girl?
A valid point, Mr. Choi.
Which... is why I took the liberty
of outlining this multi-pronged marketing plan.
Mom?
Herman Choi loved the Leaner Wiener pitch, and he's gonna sponsor me for regionals.
Oh, yay! Oh, we both have good news.
Oh, I got my period, dodged another pregnancy bullet.
Up top.
Oh, shit.
So, how late are you?
Maybe a week?
Gotta keep a stash of condoms in your purse.
We used one.
Figures I would be in the unlucky two percent.
He probably keeps 'em in his wallet.
The heat from your butt breaks down the latex,
lets the swimmers get through.
Let's just hope this is a false alarm.
So... your first time?
It's a big deal.
Yeah, he didn't think so.
I told him I loved him afterwards.
- You know what he said? - "Make me a sandwich"?
"What's your name again"? "Don't tell my wife"? "I have cash"?
Just some of my greatest hits.
Yeah, no.
Uh, he said... "That was fun."
Oh, Patty.
Nobody's first time is ever what they expected it to be.
Mine was, well, totally wrong, all of it.
I just want to forget about it.
Hmm?
Well...
it's gonna be a little hard to do now.
Who the hell gets pregnant the first time they have sex?
After using a condom? I had to be cursed.
I'm freaking the fuck out.
Yeah, that's how I felt.
I... I don't know what to do.
Sweetie, you have to make the biggest decision of your life.
Are you gonna tell Christian?
Not until I decide what I'm gonna do.
Right.
All right.
Okay.
I never told you this before,
but... I was gonna give you up for adoption.
Wait, what?
I was young, single, and I didn't want to get an abortion.
I think a woman should have the right to choose.
I do, but I... I just personally...
I couldn't do it.
Okay.
When did you decide to keep me?
Right after you were born.
See, I fucked up when I asked the nurse if I could hold you,
because I figured I'd give you a proper goodbye
and then hand you off to people
who were a little less, well... train-wrecky.
But then I held you, and your little head smelled like cake.
And you just looked up at me like you were just daring me to raise you.
And that's when I knew I could never let you go.
And you think that was a mistake?
Oh, baby, no. No, no, no. Not for me.
But for you?
Maybe you could have had a better life with someone else.
Well, then I wouldn't be me if I didn't have you.
Right. Oh, my baby.
So, what do you think I should do?
The idea of my 17-year-old daughter having a baby seems ridiculous.
And the idea of me being a grandma, come on.
So you think I should have an abortion?
Theoretically, yeah.
But in reality, no.
So I honestly don't know what to tell you.
It's times like these I do wish you had a dad,
or another person to weigh in.
I have Bob.
You know, yeah.
Maybe you should talk to him.
I was finally in an upswing,
and with Brick away at a wrestling retreat,
I could relax and get some much-needed self-care.
Oh, sorry. Too deep?
Never.
Come on, Shane, you've been working on me for years.
You should know by now, the deeper the better.
Right.
So, how's, uh...? How's Coralee?
So much for relaxing.
Hello?
I'll... I'll be right there.
My father had collapsed. Chest pains, they said.
But until I knew more, I chose to stay calm.
Until my own heart leapt out of my chest.
I can't believe you're here.
Well, I'm still your father's emergency contact.
Plus, no matter what's going on between us... I'm still your wife.
Where are you staying?
- You could come home, and we could... - At the Palomino in town.
- Have you talked to the doctors? - Not yet.
It's Patty.
- Hello? - Bob. Can you meet me in person?
We need to talk. It's, uh, an emergency.
Yeah, I'm kind of having my own emergency right now.
- My dad's in the hospital. - Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Never mind, we can talk later. You've got enough to deal with.
Okay, just tell me now 'cause otherwise I'll worry.
Not over the phone.
- Patty, just spit it out. I don't... - I'm pregnant.
- Is it Brick's? - It's Christian's.
How could you be so irresponsible?
I wasn't, we used a condom.
I just have horrible luck, and now everything is ruined.
Miss Magic Jesus, my future. Just please tell me what to do.
My mom's too close to it.
- You're my coach and my godfather. - I'm also a man,
which means I have no right to tell you what to do with your body.
Bob... is Patty pregnant?
No. I...
Mr. Armstrong?
I gotta go.
N...
I couldn't believe everyone else got to go about their business,
and I had to make the biggest decision of my life.
How's my dad?
He's had a heart attack, he'll need a triple bypass.
Oh, no.
He's awake, and he wants to speak with you now. Alone.
I haven't been in a hospital since my vasectomy.
Scariest part of that was having another man shave my balls.
Now, I could die.
But...
...bypass surgery is a heart surgeon's bread and butter.
I... I'm sure you'll be fine.
On the off chance that I'm not,
there's a few things I want to get off my chest.
I know you and I haven't had the easiest relationship.
I've been hard on you your whole life.
- Yeah, but it's okay. We don't need... - There's a reason for that.
Yeah.
It's because the only ball I could throw was the kind where people danced.
No.
Because I always resented the attention you got from your mother.
Oh, son, the two of you were like peas in a pod.
You loved all the same things. Purses, shoes...
I was jealous.
You were closer to your mother than I could ever be.
You were jealous of me?
Your mother was the best thing that ever happened to me.
And if you know what's good for you,
you'll fight for the best thing that's ever happened to you.
Coralee.
I'm trying.
Try harder.
Mom didn't know what to tell me, Bob refused to weigh in.
I might have been with child,
but I had never felt more alone in my life.
Oh.
Hi.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
You're doing that thing when you have a panic attack,
and you're breathing fast and your nostrils flare.
Okay, I'm not fine.
So, talk to me.
I thought you didn't want me to, after your confession?
Yeah, well, I have Dee now.
But having a girlfriend isn't the same as having a bestie.
I know.
I mean, not about having a girlfriend.
I'm assuming it's the same as having a boyfriend.
Not exactly.
I mean... at least you guys don't have to worry about...
one of you accidentally getting pregnant.
Patty, are you pregnant?
It's Christian's.
I haven't told him yet. Not until I decide what to do.
You're not thinking of keeping it, are you?
I mean, my mom did.
And if she hadn't, I wouldn't exist.
She said she never felt love like that in her life.
Maybe that's what'll make me feel whole.
Patty, you're 17.
You have no job, no money.
You haven't even graduated from high school yet.
And I think you and I can both agree, you're not exactly a role model.
I'm getting an abortion.
You... already decided?
Well, what are you doing here?
I... I thought you wanted to talk things through?
I wanted to make sure you thought I was making the right choice.
Oh, it doesn't matter what I think.
You're the one who's gonna have to live with this decision
for the rest of your life.
I do have to let you know the state of Georgia requires parental consent.
What? Why? It's my body.
Not according to the law.
I really don't want to put my mom in that position.
- When do you turn 18? - In, like, a month.
Waiting seems like a bad idea.
Yeah, and...
if I petition the court to waive parental consent...
it could take even longer.
Okay, it feels like there's no good choice.
Well, sometimes there isn't.
Should I see if Herman Choi can postpone the Wiener Taco grand reopening?
We both have a lot on our minds.
I need the distraction.
But if you can't make it, I totally get it.
I will.
Good luck with your dad.
Oh, so sorry. Bob.
Hey, you're good with color. What do you think of a green wallpaper?
- Hey, this one matches your eyes. - What are you doing here?
- What? You don't know? - Know what?
I work here now.
I resigned from the DA's office.
You work here? Since when?
Today. Your father made me a huge offer.
I guess having his heart attack made him take stock.
- Said he's making some big changes. - Is this a f... joke?
No, not at all. I'm just getting a head start redecorating my office.
What... What about your plans to run for mayor?
- Isn't it better for you to stay the DA? - Hmm...
You sure ask a lot of questions for a guy using office hours
to work with pageant clients.
- Does your dad know you do that? - Back off, Bob!
Hmm.
How the hell am I going to tell my mom that I want an abortion,
and that I need her to sign off?
What about Christian? Have you told him yet?
I don't know what to say.
What are you doing?
Drafting a text.
"Hey, it's Patty. I'm knocked up and..." Uh...
- Oops. - What? Oops what?
- Did you accidentally send it? - Psych.
- You're an asshole. - And you missed me.
I super, super did.
Oh! Hey, is this, like, okay?
- I mean, you know, because the... - It's fine.
So, you're totally over me?
- It isn't weird? - No.
It's like the opposite of weird.
Ah...
Awesome.
'Cause I wanted to ask you to sleep over, but I didn't want it to be weird.
But now that I know that it's not, can you?
I don't want to be alone today.
Sure.
Absolutely.
- Okay, you know what? - Hmm?
It is weird.
What? Why?
Because you're on top of me.
And I know it doesn't mean anything, but my body doesn't, and I just...
I'll see you tomorrow at the Wiener Taco opening, okay?
I was furious at my father for hiring Bob "Balls for Brains" Barnard.
But I couldn't confront him on the eve of his surgery,
so instead, I chose to focus on opening up Coralee's heart.
And her shoulders, and her hip flexors, and her neck.
Smells great.
Coq au vin, it's Coralee's favorite.
Things lately between us have been a little tense.
Hello, Bob? I'm here, but I'm a little early.
Sorry about that.
What's all this?
Shane?
What's he doing here?
I booked you a massage.
And I cooked dinner and got flowers.
Okay, I thought we were gonna talk.
We are. I just... I wanted to show you how much I care.
Do you think that wining and dining me is gonna make me forget about everything?
- Because... - It's a Band-Aid, Bob.
- Nobody asked you, Shane. - I'm just saying.
I'm getting certified to be a life coach,
and the first step in resolving any problem is radical honesty.
So if you two were to sit...
Shane, please pack up your stuff and go.
- You know what? Maybe I should go, too. - No, don't. Don't.
Please don't.
Give me a chance.
- So are you gonna Venmo me? - Shane, get out!
Okay, no. Thank you very much, I appreciate it.
You know what?
Maybe that Shane did have a point.
Complete radical honesty.
- Ask me anything. - Okay, Stella Rose.
Uh, when did it end?
- Twenty years ago. - Why?
You were pregnant, with Cat.
Did she ask you to leave me?
Yes.
Did you consider?
- Yes. - Fuck you, Bob.
I'm being radically honest.
I want you to trust me.
Mm!
Trust you? I hate you.
Good. That means you still care.
How was the sex?
Good.
Good, or great?
- Different. - Oh, please explain in detail.
She was into role-playing and light BDSM.
Like spanking?
Yeah. And other stuff,
like bondage, and choking,
and breath-play.
What the fuck is breath-play, Bob?
Do you think about her when you're alone?
Sometimes.
Do you think about her when you're with me?
- Not anymore. - Did you love her?
I did. Once. A long time ago.
Did you love her more than you loved me?
Never.
Then what did she give you that I couldn't?
She... appreciated the parts of me
that you just don't understand.
She... She saw me.
Well, I see you.
No, I know how you roll your eyes at me.
All the pageant stuff. You... You think I'm ridiculous.
No, I don't. I think you're evolved.
You know, it takes a really secure man
to put his ego aside and let a woman shine.
And you've been doing that for me since the moment I met you.
It's what made me finally feel... special.
And I guess you found someone that made you feel that way.
Just happened to be when we were married.
Maybe one person can't give you everything that you need.
You do.
You do see me.
And honestly, I've never been more in love with you than I am right now.
The news was all good.
Any blockages to my father's heart had been removed,
and so had any obstacles between me and Coralee.
Hey.
Get a room.
I see you took my advice.
Yeah.
Thanks for that.
I'm surprised you were able to pull it off.
Coralee, I thought you'd actually want a guy who was,
you know, more like... a guy.
Wow...
Dad, you must be the only man in history
to have a brush with mortality and become an even bigger asshole.
- Okay, Bob. It's okay. - No.
I thought we finally had a breakthrough.
Just because we had one touchy-feely moment,
doesn't mean I went soft like you.
I can't believe you hired Bob "Backbiter" Barnard behind my back!
It was just business.
I didn't tell you because I didn't wanna deal with you having a temper tantrum.
I am not having a tantrum!
I am feeling hurt and angry!
Okay, okay. Okay, Bob, let's just go have a time-out. It's okay.
How could he hire Barnard? Knowing how I feel about him?
I don't know.
Actually, you do know, 'cause you did the same thing.
You ran to Barnard behind my back.
Why him of all people?
Okay, you know what, Bob? I don't know. We're friends, and...
Did you sleep with him?
With Barnard? No, I did not sleep with him.
Of course I did not sleep with him.
Did...?
Did you sleep with someone else?
Oh, my God! Who is it?
Coralee, you answer me right now.
Radical honesty.
Okay, it was Shane.
Our massage therapist?
He... He had his hands on my ass yesterday.
You know what? You can't be mad.
You cheated. I cheated. We both cheated.
I slept with Stella Rose 20 years ago.
You slept with Shane, what, 20 minutes ago?
Bob, wait, you can't just leave.
Why not?
You did.
It has recently been brought to my attention that you're pregnant.
- Who told you that? - It doesn't matter.
We cannot have an unwed pregnant teenager
representing Miss Magic Jesus.
Which is why I'm getting an abortion,
- so nobody will have to know. - That is not any better.
I'm sorry. I need to strip you of your crown.
Wait, what? How is that fair?
I can't be pregnant and I can't get an abortion?
You should have thought about that before you had premarital sex.
Right, because if a guy has sex, he's a stud,
but if a girl does it, she's a slut?
Patty, don't.
- Don't you want to know who the father is? - It's me. I'm the father.
My God, thank God you're safe. Your mom and I were so worried.
Christian, what are you doing here?
When you wouldn't answer my calls, I called your mom.
- She told me you were in trouble. - Wait, did you say you're the father?
- My mom told you? - No, not that you're pregnant.
I had no idea until just now.
I came back because I was worried something was really wrong,
but this is so cool.
I mean, we can get married, raise the baby together.
What? No. No, I'm having an abortion.
Okay, everybody, let's calm down.
Patty could be a shining example of family values.
You could totally let her keep the crown.
I mean, you'd have to let me skip military school, but...
Are you using me?
No.
I love you.
No, you don't.
I want us to be a family.
You, me, and our baby.
It's not a baby. Okay? There is no baby, it's just cells.
This is why I didn't want to tell you.
- What's wrong? - Ah! Ow!
They say a child is a blessing.
So the idea of losing one shouldn't have come as a surprise to someone like me.
You're not pregnant.
I'm having a miscarriage?
No, I mean that you were never pregnant.
The ultrasound revealed that you have a teratoma.
- A what? - A teratoma.
Also known as a chimera.
It's a parasitic twin that you consumed in utero.
I've never encountered one before.
What the fuck are you talking about, lady?
It's very, very rare. Maybe one in 40,000.
Even less likely than getting knocked up with a condom.
So I wasn't cursed. I was a freak.
I took a pregnancy test. It came back positive.
A teratoma can cause a missed period and a false positive.
So, we're not having a baby?
Wait. You're saying that I could have been a twin? But I ate it?
- I wouldn't say that you ate it. - That's kind of badass.
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with me?
What kind of person eats her own twin?
Just to be clear, I am definitely not saying that you ate it.
It makes sense
that you were a compulsive eater from the start.
I'm a monster.
No wonder you don't love me.
But I do.
Baby or no baby.
I came back before I even knew that you were pregnant. Remember?
Is it dangerous, this twin?
Oh, she's fine.
Today's incident was most likely caused by stress,
but I'd still suggest having it removed to avoid further complications.
You mean, like surgery?
- Mm-hmm. - Can that be done, like, outpatient?
It's major abdominal surgery.
It's three days in the hospital, maybe eight weeks to fully recover.
Mm-mm. Regionals are in a month and a half.
You wouldn't be able to compete.
Is it...? Is it okay to wait?
Uh, she has had it her whole life, and it's only now become symptomatic.
I'd say another month or two won't hurt.
I can't believe I could have had another kid.
I can't believe I'm not pregnant.
I can't believe you get to keep your crown. Right?
I need to talk to Patty alone.
This thing inside you...
Can you talk to her later?
Patty, the Wiener Taco grand reopening started 20 minutes ago.
You feeling up to it?
Of course I was feeling up to it.
I wasn't cursed, I was lucky as shit!
I had dodged a pregnancy bullet.
Nothing could rain on my Wiener Taco parade.
Sure, I had a weird absorbed twin, but that was a problem for another day.
Patty, we need to talk.
Um, can we talk later? I have Wiener Queen duty.
No wiener is more important than your spiritual sanctity.
Forget about regionals, we need to get that thing out of you.
Whatever's inside of you is pure evil.
- What? - I felt it
when I laid my hands on you before your baptism.
Now I understand why.
I thought the baptism would take care of it,
but it's so much worse than I thought.
I don't know if that thing is mad that it never got born,
or if there's some kind of demon...
Wait. Are you saying I could have an actual demon inside me?
- That's crazy. - Is it?
You said it yourself, you thought you couldn't be saved.
I've also said I had a demon, but I didn't mean it literally.
- Thank God you're here. - What happened?
Explain later. It's time to unveil the Ween-Mobile.
- Patty. - Stay away from her.
She's bad news.
- But I love her. - Military school is still an option.
We do not want to have another situation like we did in Brazil, do we?
- What is she doing here? - Ah.
I thought you told Pastor Mike she was pregnant?
Let me do some recon.
- Patty didn't lose her crown... - Jeez!
...for being pregnant?
- How did you know she was pregnant? - The office walls are thin.
I heard the entire conversation.
Are you the one who told Pastor Mike?
You can't keep secrets from me. Especially now that I'm your boss.
Sorry, you're my what?
Yeah, your father's retiring, making me senior partner.
From now on, you report to me.
Figured your name should be smaller because I'm senior partner.
Are you... kidding me?
You humiliate me at the mother-daughter pageant.
You weasel your way into my marriage.
You are constantly trying to sabotage Patty.
And now this. I mean, what did I ever do to you?
This isn't about you, Bob. This is about survival.
This...
I made a couple of bad investments, and I am damn near broke.
When I heard about your father's health,
I told him he needed to think about his legacy.
- Wait a minute. - So this was your idea?
He was more than happy to turn the company over to a better man.
And now, introducing the Wieneriffic Ween-Mobile.
So you can get your wieners when you're in-between-er.
Give me that crown!
What?
Patty Bladell had a wiener in her taco.
She's a knocked-up slut.
I am not. I have a teratoma.
That's not even a real word.
Give it to me!
Patty.
Just save it, all right? Just don't even start.
Bob...
you're beautiful.
Oh!
Hey! Hey, quit.
Quit it!
Wh... Wh...
Why do you keep fucking with me?
Do you really hate me that much?
I love you.
What do you mean, you love me?
Since we were 14 years old.
That's why we couldn't be friends anymore,
because I knew what I wanted, and I knew you didn't want it.
I... I don't.
- She has teeth like a shark! - Holy shit, she has fangs!
You... bitch.
Oh, my God!
I had been so worried I created a life,
but now I may have taken one.
Maybe Pastor Mike was right,
maybe there was evil inside me.
I always knew there was something wrong with me.
My eating, my rage.
What if I wasn't cursed?
What if I was possessed?
How the hell do you abort a demon?