1 00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:15,224 When I was fat, "squat" was more of an adjective than a verb. 2 00:00:15,432 --> 00:00:18,268 But Bob made everything more meaningful. 3 00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:21,313 On your back. 4 00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:22,773 Time to stretch. 5 00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:27,778 But in a couple of months, I'd be 18, and then Bob's resting-anus-face wife 6 00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:30,322 would be the only thing left standing in my way. 7 00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:31,365 Switch. 8 00:00:32,616 --> 00:00:35,369 And breathe. 9 00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:38,789 Lucky for me, I have the perfect grenade to blow up Bob's marriage. 10 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:43,001 A necklace from his ex-lover, proof that he had an affair. 11 00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:46,088 I just have to find the perfect time to drop the bomb. 12 00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:49,508 Bob Armstrong. What in the hell? 13 00:00:50,133 --> 00:00:50,968 Oh, hi, Coralee. 14 00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:52,135 Patty. 15 00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:54,137 See? Anus face. 16 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,973 What are you doing? 17 00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:57,182 Stretching Patty out. 18 00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:58,809 I'm super tight. 19 00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:01,562 You look really loose to me. 20 00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:04,773 We are getting her in shape for the Miss Okefenokee Swamp Pageant. 21 00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:07,693 It's the last pageant before Miss Magic Jesus, 22 00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:09,653 and Patty needs a win to qualify. 23 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,405 Well, you are out of luck. 24 00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:13,615 There's a mosquito outbreak in northern Florida. 25 00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:16,451 Zika, West Nile, it's all over the news. 26 00:01:16,535 --> 00:01:19,580 If the pageant were canceled, I'd have gotten an email. 27 00:01:19,663 --> 00:01:22,207 - Oh, shit, there's an email. - Wait. 28 00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:26,420 What? We can't wait a whole other year. I really want this. 29 00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:28,213 There has to be another way to get me qualified. 30 00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:29,131 Let me think. 31 00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:30,215 Straddle. 32 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,384 Lean to me. 33 00:01:35,721 --> 00:01:37,764 You know what? Maybe you could think somewhere else, 34 00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:42,644 preferably not in public and not with her face in your general groin area? 35 00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:46,148 Why did you buy us a gym membership if you didn't want me to use it? 36 00:01:46,231 --> 00:01:47,065 Oh, Bob. 37 00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:48,650 Hey, buddy. 38 00:01:48,734 --> 00:01:50,402 - How are you? - Good to see you. 39 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:54,573 That's why you joined. 40 00:01:54,656 --> 00:01:56,867 You are stalking Etta Mae Barnard. 41 00:01:56,950 --> 00:02:00,162 You make it sound like I want to kill her. I just want to be her. 42 00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:01,663 Oh, yeah, that's a lot less creepy. 43 00:02:02,581 --> 00:02:05,917 - Hey, guys! Bob, Etta Mae. Hi. - Hey! 44 00:02:06,001 --> 00:02:07,586 - Will you come with me? - Yes. 45 00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:10,922 Fifty more sit-ups, then you're done. We'll talk soon. 46 00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:12,215 Okay. Come on. 47 00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:15,719 Junior League. Junior League. Junior League. 48 00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:23,852 I guess "Bob and Patty forever" would have to wait. 49 00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:36,031 Bob? 50 00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:38,533 It's his. 51 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,035 See? 52 00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:44,206 And this one's yours. 53 00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:49,711 It's like we never left high school. 54 00:02:49,795 --> 00:02:52,631 Come on, they have to distinguish between us somehow. 55 00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:54,132 You prefer Older Bob? 56 00:02:54,216 --> 00:02:57,469 Four days, I am older by four days. 57 00:02:57,552 --> 00:02:58,720 Well, still. 58 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:02,724 So when is the next Junior League event? Maybe I could... 59 00:03:02,808 --> 00:03:04,351 Oh, screw Junior League, I quit. 60 00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,187 - What? - They took away my seat on the board. 61 00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:09,981 Said I was out of town too much to appropriately serve. 62 00:03:10,065 --> 00:03:11,358 That's terrible. 63 00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:13,485 - It's "momist" is what it is. - That's what it is. 64 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,570 - "Momist"? - Mmm. 65 00:03:15,654 --> 00:03:19,116 Discriminatory against working moms. Some of us can't stay at home. 66 00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:22,202 I'm saving babies and they're making me feel less than. 67 00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:23,120 Less than. 68 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,955 Well, screw those momist bitches. 69 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:29,292 We should start our own service organization for working moms. 70 00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:31,878 Um, you don't have a job. 71 00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:33,964 Uh, well, I do now. 72 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,341 Standing up for working moms everywhere. 73 00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:37,759 What do you think? 74 00:03:37,843 --> 00:03:38,844 I don't know. 75 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:41,179 Starting a new organization is a ton of work, 76 00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:42,889 and I'm so busy with my job as it is. 77 00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,725 I have a lot of free time. 78 00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:46,435 I can do all the heavy lifting. 79 00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:49,896 Okay, I mean, we women have to support each other. 80 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:50,814 Mmm. 81 00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:55,986 Well, I do like the idea of creating a community of like-minded people. 82 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,112 Right? 83 00:03:57,195 --> 00:03:59,531 - That's my girl. - Yeah. All right, let's do it. 84 00:03:59,614 --> 00:04:00,449 Ooh! 85 00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:03,410 But, we will need a kickoff event. 86 00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:05,579 How about a pageant? 87 00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:10,167 Maybe Patty could qualify for Miss Magic Jesus after all. 88 00:04:14,212 --> 00:04:17,549 I'll call the golf course, see when they have availability to host. 89 00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:20,927 Only two weeks left to qualify. 90 00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:23,221 Maybe... Maybe this weekend? 91 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:26,433 That's not a lot of time to plan. 92 00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:28,477 No, I can plan it. 93 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,937 I'll hire an event planner. We just need a theme. 94 00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,612 Come on! 95 00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:41,448 How about a mother-daughter pageant? 96 00:04:42,032 --> 00:04:43,366 - No. - Why not? 97 00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:47,120 I can spend quality time with my daughter, and it's on message. 98 00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:52,125 Because Patty's mom is a disaster. She'd never win. 99 00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:56,588 Our daughter is a marine in Iraq, so she won't be here, 100 00:04:56,671 --> 00:05:01,176 so maybe we can pick something that like I could participate in too. 101 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:05,847 Moms come in many forms. 102 00:05:05,931 --> 00:05:07,766 It could be symbolic. 103 00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:10,352 Like a role model. I like it. 104 00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:14,856 You can find someone who is like a daughter, 105 00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:16,525 like Pat... Patty. 106 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:24,866 - Oh, God. - Careful now. 107 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,410 Oh! 108 00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:28,870 - Oh, my God. - Oh, Bob! 109 00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:34,876 Bob wants you to do a mother-daughter pageant with his wife? 110 00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:36,837 She's not your mom. 111 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,171 It's symbolic. 112 00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:42,342 Plus, if we win, I get to qualify for Miss Magic Jesus. 113 00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:47,097 Wait, you're telling me Bob suddenly made up a pageant and if you win it, 114 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,849 you can just qualify? 115 00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:49,975 That's ridiculous. 116 00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:52,394 The rules are pretty lax for local pageants. 117 00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:55,355 It gets tougher with the bigger pageants, like regionals or state, 118 00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:59,109 but to qualify for Miss Magic Jesus, all I have to do is win any pageant. 119 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:02,279 Which means if I win mother-daughter, boom, qualified. 120 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:03,196 Simple. 121 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,114 Sure. 122 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:07,158 Except for the fact that you're trying to blow up Coralee and Bob's marriage. 123 00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:08,660 That's what makes it so fun. 124 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:11,872 If you give Coralee the necklace from Stella Rose, 125 00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:14,165 she'll hate you, leave Bob, 126 00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:17,377 and ruin any chance you have of winning the pageant. 127 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:21,339 So, poof, there goes Miss Magic Jesus. 128 00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:22,883 Crap. 129 00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,385 Pageant first, then necklace. 130 00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:27,304 Plus, if I do the pageant first, 131 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,931 I can get close to Coralee and find out what Bob likes in a woman. 132 00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:32,893 Like Drew Barrymore did with Tom Skerritt in Poison Ivy. 133 00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:35,729 Patty, I'm home. 134 00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:38,023 When did your mom get back from her AA retreat? 135 00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:41,276 Just now, apparently. I haven't heard from her in a week. 136 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:45,780 My retreat was amazing. 137 00:06:46,114 --> 00:06:51,077 It's like... It's like taking a bath in Corgi puppies. 138 00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:55,498 I feel so Zen, just like I'm floating. 139 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:56,875 Good for you. 140 00:06:58,251 --> 00:06:59,294 I gotta go. 141 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,046 Well, where? 142 00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:02,756 Since when do you care? 143 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,550 Well... 144 00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:09,554 Patty? Come on, what the hell is that supposed to mean? 145 00:07:09,638 --> 00:07:12,349 It means you've been gone for days and I needed you. 146 00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:16,561 I was taking care of me so I could take care of you, be a better mom. 147 00:07:16,645 --> 00:07:19,689 Oh, great parenting. You left me with no way to reach you. 148 00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:23,610 You left me $20 for pizza. That lasted me exactly half a day. 149 00:07:23,693 --> 00:07:26,112 You missed my first day of school, and you missed me in crisis. 150 00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:27,656 Well, what happened? 151 00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:31,618 Don't worry about it. Bob Armstrong took care of it. 152 00:07:34,037 --> 00:07:35,872 I told you to stay away from him. 153 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,500 Good thing I didn't. Without Bob, I'd be up shit's creek. 154 00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:41,211 Patty. Language. 155 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:45,799 'Cause us Bladell girls are so high-class. Nice shirt, I can see your nipples. 156 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,719 - Oh, shit, I left my bra in the park. - I've gotta go. 157 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:52,097 Bob is coaching me for a mother-daughter pageant. 158 00:07:52,180 --> 00:07:54,140 We're raising money for working moms. 159 00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:56,643 That's nice. At least we can do that together. 160 00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,270 I'm doing it with Bob's wife, Coralee. 161 00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:03,775 But, Patty, I'm your mom. 162 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:05,110 You could have fooled me. 163 00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,994 There has got to be someone else who can do the pageant with me. 164 00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:17,539 Who? Your niece with the hickey-goes-here tattoo? 165 00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:20,166 Think about it. You and Patty are a lot alike. 166 00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:22,168 I wish you would stop saying that. 167 00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,879 You have more in common with Patty than you do with our own daughter. 168 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,550 Cat is a marine. 169 00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:32,095 She hasn't had a facial in, well, ever. 170 00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:37,434 Plus, Patty is hungry and fashionable and she comes from humble roots. 171 00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:42,147 For the record, I know what you're up to. 172 00:08:42,230 --> 00:08:45,233 Okay? You're not doing this for me, you're doing this for Patty. 173 00:08:45,316 --> 00:08:48,445 No, trust me, Patty is your best option. 174 00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:50,989 Unless you want to give Etta Mae the spotlight. 175 00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:54,868 How long have you guys been married? 176 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:56,494 Twenty-one years. 177 00:08:57,662 --> 00:09:00,373 How'd you meet? What was he wearing? He always been this funny and charming? 178 00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:01,708 Was it love at first sight? 179 00:09:04,252 --> 00:09:06,755 Coralee, work with me here. 180 00:09:06,838 --> 00:09:09,215 The two of you have to get to know each other better, 181 00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:10,967 that's why she's asking you questions. 182 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,969 She's only asking about you. 183 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:19,059 It is a mother-daughter pageant. There is no bond more sacred. 184 00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:22,520 So, for the interview, we have to convince the judge 185 00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:25,899 that you two are as close as if Patty had actually come out of your... 186 00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:28,401 All right, that's imagery I don't need right now. 187 00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,320 I definitely don't want to think about that. 188 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:34,157 See? The two of you. Finding common ground already. 189 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:39,329 The mother-daughter connection, it goes beyond biology. 190 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:44,292 It is a soul connection which can take many forms 191 00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:48,004 and that is the angle that could get you a win. 192 00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:50,006 But I don't want to win. 193 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,382 Wait, what? 194 00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:53,927 I'm trying to stay in Etta Mae's good graces. 195 00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:56,888 She is not in the Junior League anymore, so why do you care? 196 00:09:56,971 --> 00:09:59,015 Because she is a force of nature. 197 00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:02,143 And everything she touches turns to gold. 198 00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:05,688 We are gonna start an organization that could rival the Junior League. 199 00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:08,441 I want to be her partner, not her competition. 200 00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:11,194 You are thinking about this all wrong. 201 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:15,615 You play your cards right, you and Etta Mae are peers. 202 00:10:16,157 --> 00:10:19,869 But if you lose, she's just gonna think you're a loser. 203 00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:23,581 And that's what you've been fighting your entire life. 204 00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:26,417 You're right. 205 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,336 You are totally right. 206 00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:33,383 Oh, my God! 207 00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:36,719 You just coached me so I would help you and Patty win. 208 00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:39,139 Fine. 209 00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:42,016 Now we just need to rustle up some other mother-daughters for you two to beat. 210 00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:44,352 Oh, there will be plenty at Back to School night. 211 00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:48,148 I will get started on the flyers. 212 00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,194 Is that the flyer for the pageant? Because I was thinking... 213 00:10:53,278 --> 00:10:55,029 We've got bigger problems. 214 00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:03,246 Of course I'm not sleeping with Regina Sinclair. 215 00:11:04,247 --> 00:11:08,334 Brick, I grew you inside my body. I can tell when you're lying. 216 00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:15,258 Well... 217 00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:17,468 not anymore. 218 00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:21,431 I am a failed mother. 219 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:27,103 How could you have sex with Regina? She accused me of molestation. 220 00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,396 Seriously? 221 00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:31,774 Our son's been raped, and you can only think about yourself? 222 00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:33,860 It wasn't rape. I said, "Yes." 223 00:11:34,903 --> 00:11:36,070 Multiple times. 224 00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:40,533 - That is disgusting. - No, it's not. Older chicks are hot. 225 00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:43,036 I have like seven friends who totally have a thing for you. 226 00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:43,953 Really? 227 00:11:45,580 --> 00:11:46,748 Which ones? 228 00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:49,042 Can we drop this? 229 00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:53,504 I'm back together with Magnolia, and if this gets out, that's ruined. 230 00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:56,299 Well, you're staying home from Back to School night. 231 00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:59,636 Okay? I don't want you anywhere near Regina Sinclair. 232 00:12:01,179 --> 00:12:02,430 What do you want to do? 233 00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:03,765 I'm not sure. 234 00:12:04,182 --> 00:12:07,310 But Regina Sinclair is going down. 235 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:14,275 - Bob Armstrong is going down. - Thank you. 236 00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:17,403 I tried. I even followed him to Alabama. 237 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,489 I just got a little... 238 00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:21,616 distracted. 239 00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:23,409 We need a new plan. 240 00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:25,787 Are we still trying to take Bob down for fake molesting me? 241 00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:29,165 Oh, no. This started long before Miss Salty Grits. 242 00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:30,875 I'll tell you when you're older. 243 00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:31,918 I'm confused. 244 00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:34,879 I know, baby. It's 'cause you were malnourished in China. 245 00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:38,174 Mother-daughter pageant. Contestants needed. 246 00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:41,469 Show off your talents, spend quality time with your kid. 247 00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,429 Mother-daughter pageant? 248 00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:47,892 It is a kickoff event for Coralee's new service organization, WMBS. 249 00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:52,397 It's pronounced "wombs." Working Mother's Benevolent Society. 250 00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:55,066 - I'm a working mom. - Town shrew doesn't count. 251 00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:58,945 I sell real estate. I'm on benches all over town. 252 00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:01,322 Ooh, I do remember sitting on your face. 253 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,202 I'm doing the pageant. With Dixie. 254 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,455 And we're gonna win... now that we don't have you holding us back. 255 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:11,207 Bye. 256 00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:14,210 Ooh, I want to punch her in her bench face. 257 00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,170 Don't worry, I have a plan. 258 00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:18,715 - I'm all out of flyers. - Aww! 259 00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:24,262 Go talk to her and find some more common ground. 260 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:27,265 - Bob. Okay. Okay. - Hmm? Hmm? 261 00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:30,351 Hi. 262 00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:34,147 So are you here with your dad? 263 00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:36,399 What dad? 264 00:13:37,275 --> 00:13:38,693 Oh, I'm sorry. 265 00:13:38,776 --> 00:13:41,904 I just figured because you and I are doing the pageant together, 266 00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:44,198 that your own mom isn't in the picture. 267 00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:46,242 I mean, she is, but just barely. 268 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:51,205 Well, my mom doesn't know who my dad is. 269 00:13:51,622 --> 00:13:53,291 I was conceived in a blackout. 270 00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:54,667 Boilermakers, yay. 271 00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:57,378 Oh, no. 272 00:13:57,462 --> 00:13:59,714 - No, it's okay. Don't feel bad for me. - Etta Mae? 273 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:07,638 We can't let Regina anywhere near WMBS. She is dangerous. 274 00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:08,848 Exactly. 275 00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:10,725 We have got to be careful. 276 00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,102 It's not a good political move to shut her out. 277 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,898 At least this way we get to kick Regina and Dixie's asses. 278 00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,695 - Oh, I am so glad you're home. - Aww. 279 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,365 I can't remember the last time you came to Back to School night. 280 00:14:25,448 --> 00:14:26,908 Oh! 281 00:14:29,911 --> 00:14:31,371 - Go. - What? Go? 282 00:14:31,454 --> 00:14:32,580 No. No go. 283 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,208 She can't do whatever she wants 'cause you're never here. 284 00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:38,378 I don't want to. Okay? All he ever wants to do is hook up. 285 00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:39,629 Magnolia Barnard. 286 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:42,256 Besides, we never get any time together. 287 00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:46,219 Hey, my favorite family. 288 00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:48,638 How we doing on recruits for the pageant? 289 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:51,891 Amazing. We have nine mother-daughter teams already. 290 00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:53,643 Everyone is so excited. 291 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:56,354 Etta Mae wants me to MC. 292 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,524 You? But... pageants are my thing. 293 00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:00,483 Well. 294 00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:03,361 Oh, well, why don't the two of you do it together? 295 00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:05,822 I'm sure my Bob won't mind sharing the spotlight. 296 00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:09,617 Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pass out the rest of these flyers. 297 00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:14,580 I got your voicemail earlier. What'd you want to talk to me about? 298 00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:18,084 I need your professional opinion as a DA. Cone of silence? 299 00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:19,335 It's code. 300 00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:21,546 - It's cone. - Code. 301 00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:24,132 Doesn't matter. Can you keep a secret? 302 00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:28,261 I might be personally involved in a case coming your way, 303 00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:31,013 but I want complete control over how the arrest goes down. 304 00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:34,392 - Any chance you can help me out with that? - We shouldn't be talking about this here. 305 00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:35,935 - Yeah? - My house tomorrow? 306 00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:38,688 We can also brainstorm ideas for our opening number. 307 00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,358 Are you a working mom? 308 00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:44,527 I am... excuse me. 309 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,488 I am spending the day tomorrow with Bob Barnard. 310 00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:51,159 We are MCing the pageant together and we have to talk about the act. 311 00:15:51,242 --> 00:15:53,870 I swear to God, Bob, if you embarrass me... 312 00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:56,164 No, you should go grab some lunch. 313 00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:58,166 Something healthy like a salad. 314 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:01,544 You have to bond with her if you want to win. 315 00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:04,213 Are you serious about WMBS or not? 316 00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:07,258 It's pronounced "wombs." 317 00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:11,888 Hey, listen, it's okay. You don't have to... 318 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,848 Screw salads. And Bob. 319 00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:18,311 Junk food brunch tomorrow? I've had a real hankering for Wiener Taco. 320 00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,480 No way, my mom works there. 321 00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:23,191 Well, that's even better. I'd love to meet her. 322 00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:34,076 Oh, hey, traitor. 323 00:16:34,619 --> 00:16:36,954 Patty! Yeah, I'm talking to you. 324 00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:41,417 Or shall I call you "The Artist Formerly Known As My Daughter"? 325 00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:43,169 We should leave. 326 00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:46,506 Not without my wiener taco. Do you like 'em soft or hard? 327 00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:53,554 Hello. Can I get, um, four hard wieners and a side order of wet tots, please? 328 00:16:54,263 --> 00:16:55,598 Four hards, side of wet. 329 00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:57,183 - Okay. - Anything else? 330 00:16:57,266 --> 00:17:00,645 We got some sporks back there if you want to stab me in the back some more. 331 00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,355 Sporks don't stab, they scoop. 332 00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:05,274 Okay, you know, this doesn't have to be awkward. 333 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:08,945 Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Coralee Armstrong, pleasure. 334 00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:11,906 Well, shit in my mouth. 335 00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:14,408 I knew you looked familiar. 336 00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:16,577 Coralee Huggins. 337 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,622 I'm sorry, do I know you? 338 00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:21,582 She's your mom upgrade? 339 00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:24,544 She grew up in the trailer next to me. 340 00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:25,545 I did not. 341 00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:27,129 Don't trust her, Patty. 342 00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:29,840 She bailed on her very own family. 343 00:17:29,924 --> 00:17:33,010 - Hey, you're holding up the line. - It's just a hot dog in a taco shell. 344 00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:34,053 Keep your pants on. 345 00:17:35,429 --> 00:17:39,267 Look at you, raising money for working moms 346 00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:41,352 when you never worked a day in your life. 347 00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:42,436 Okay, Mom, that's enough. 348 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:46,983 I work every single day of my life on myself. 349 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:49,610 And that's the hardest work of all, thank you very much. 350 00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:51,821 Self-help is for rich people. 351 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:54,574 - Thank you. - You know, I got news for you, Patty. 352 00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:58,244 You think these pageants are gonna make you happy, but they're not. 353 00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:00,580 - You don't know that. - Actually, I do. 354 00:18:00,663 --> 00:18:03,374 I used to be like you. I used to think if I was pretty enough, 355 00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:06,919 someone would come along and swoop me up and save me too. 356 00:18:07,003 --> 00:18:10,047 Someone like Bob or Coralee Huggins. 357 00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:11,674 And guess what? 358 00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:18,806 I ended up pregnant, abandoned, and working in a Wiener Taco. 359 00:18:19,849 --> 00:18:21,934 Don't get your hopes up, Patty. 360 00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:24,312 Bladell women never win. 361 00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:26,188 They get screwed. 362 00:18:27,148 --> 00:18:29,025 Enjoy your wiener tacos. 363 00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,486 Patty. She means well. 364 00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:35,948 She's just looking out for you in her own misguided, alcoholic way. 365 00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:37,033 Stop defending her. 366 00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:41,495 Everything she does is about her. She always makes it about her, 367 00:18:41,579 --> 00:18:43,623 and what she went through. What about me? 368 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:48,377 She fucked me up and now she's telling me that there's nothing I can do about it? 369 00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:49,670 I hate her. 370 00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:54,967 I want to show you something. Come with me. 371 00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:14,654 For the first time, Barnard was actually helpful. 372 00:19:14,737 --> 00:19:19,075 Thanks to him, I'd be able to handle Regina with style. 373 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:22,662 Hopefully, our opening number would be equally tasteful. 374 00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:27,333 I think we descend on silks. 375 00:19:27,416 --> 00:19:28,417 Too gay. 376 00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:32,588 I'm telling you, we sing the title song from Dirty Dancing, 377 00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:34,215 "The Time of My Life." 378 00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:37,927 What does "The Time of My Life" have to do with mothers and daughters? 379 00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:40,638 The moms are in one time of their life. 380 00:19:40,721 --> 00:19:43,224 The daughters are in another time of their life. 381 00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:46,727 Together, they're having the time of their lives. 382 00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:49,480 Besides, it's Etta Mae and Magnolia's favorite movie. 383 00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:50,481 They think it's genius. 384 00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:53,526 Now, I'll sing the beginning, and then you sing the girl part. 385 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,737 The girl part? I want to do the lift. 386 00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:58,823 - You want to be Jennifer Grey? - Yeah... No. 387 00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:01,158 I will lift you over my head. 388 00:20:01,659 --> 00:20:04,829 Everyone will be talking about it for months. 389 00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:11,335 I work out twice a day, every day. 390 00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:13,587 Obviously, I'm Patrick Swayze. 391 00:20:18,426 --> 00:20:21,762 Nobody puts Bobby in a corner. 392 00:20:23,013 --> 00:20:25,266 Well, there's only one way to decide this. 393 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,936 I couldn't let Barnard show me up. 394 00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:31,480 Now was my time to shine. 395 00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:35,443 You run to me. 396 00:20:35,526 --> 00:20:36,819 No. You run to me. 397 00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,028 No, you run to me. 398 00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:43,284 You done? 399 00:20:44,118 --> 00:20:45,035 Fine. 400 00:20:45,703 --> 00:20:47,955 Jennifer Grey gets all the attention anyway. 401 00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:50,166 All right. Now, come on, just run. 402 00:20:52,001 --> 00:20:53,794 And... jump. 403 00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:57,965 I'm not gonna drop you. 404 00:20:58,048 --> 00:20:59,842 Why not? You're so good at it. 405 00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:01,761 What is that supposed to mean? 406 00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:03,429 Nothing. 407 00:21:03,512 --> 00:21:04,346 Something. 408 00:21:04,430 --> 00:21:06,140 Just... forget it. 409 00:21:06,223 --> 00:21:07,183 Bob! 410 00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:09,727 Tell me, I want to know. 411 00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:17,651 Fine. We were friends in eighth grade, and then the minute we got to high school, 412 00:21:17,735 --> 00:21:18,736 you dropped me. 413 00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:22,615 You were too busy being the captain of the wrestling team, 414 00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:26,494 and the homecoming king, and assistant co-chair of the yearbook committee. 415 00:21:26,577 --> 00:21:30,623 I didn't even get invited to your post-graduation kegger. 416 00:21:32,708 --> 00:21:34,210 I'm sorry. 417 00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:36,587 You have no idea what it's like 418 00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:39,006 to be on the outside looking in. 419 00:21:39,298 --> 00:21:41,383 Hey, babe. Magnolia. 420 00:21:42,843 --> 00:21:43,719 Hi, ladies. 421 00:21:44,470 --> 00:21:46,514 What are the two of you doing? 422 00:21:46,597 --> 00:21:48,599 Uh, working on our opening number. 423 00:21:48,682 --> 00:21:51,727 Hey, I had an idea for your talent for the pageant. 424 00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:55,773 Instead of a Broadway number, you can throw scalpels, 425 00:21:55,856 --> 00:21:58,108 'cause you're a doctor. I found a knife wheel on eBay... 426 00:21:58,192 --> 00:22:00,027 That sounds insane. 427 00:22:00,110 --> 00:22:02,363 It's original. You'd definitely win. 428 00:22:02,446 --> 00:22:03,572 Well, who cares? 429 00:22:03,656 --> 00:22:06,158 She already qualified for Miss Magic Jesus. 430 00:22:06,784 --> 00:22:10,454 Even a single loss could tarnish her reputation. 431 00:22:10,538 --> 00:22:13,123 - Our reputation as a family. - Okay. Come on, Mags. 432 00:22:13,207 --> 00:22:15,292 I bought you some new clothes for school. 433 00:22:18,462 --> 00:22:22,091 The second Etta Mae comes into town, it's like I don't exist. 434 00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:27,763 So trust me, I know what it feels like to be an outsider. 435 00:22:33,227 --> 00:22:34,687 Let's work on that lift. 436 00:22:39,316 --> 00:22:40,568 Isn't this cute? 437 00:22:40,651 --> 00:22:42,778 I got these for you when I was in New York. 438 00:22:42,862 --> 00:22:44,238 I hope you like 'em. 439 00:22:47,324 --> 00:22:48,534 Was he serious? 440 00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:51,620 Knife-throwing? 441 00:22:51,704 --> 00:22:54,623 Oh, you know your father. He sometimes gets carried away. 442 00:22:54,707 --> 00:22:56,959 Well, he's ruining pageants for me. 443 00:22:58,002 --> 00:22:59,587 He's always on my ass. 444 00:22:59,670 --> 00:23:03,007 "Wear this, eat that, smile pretty." 445 00:23:03,549 --> 00:23:05,342 And it's worse when you're gone. 446 00:23:05,426 --> 00:23:06,802 Have you told him how you feel? 447 00:23:08,095 --> 00:23:09,221 Why bother? 448 00:23:09,722 --> 00:23:11,557 You're the only one who listens to me. 449 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,434 You can do anything you want to do, 450 00:23:13,517 --> 00:23:16,145 which also means not doing anything you don't want to do. 451 00:23:17,897 --> 00:23:20,441 We'll talk to him. Together. 452 00:23:23,611 --> 00:23:25,696 You really did grow up in a trailer park. 453 00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:28,532 How come your trailer looks so much nicer than all the others? 454 00:23:28,616 --> 00:23:33,495 My daddy was a gardener, and he specialized in artistic topiary. 455 00:23:33,579 --> 00:23:37,249 I can do it too. Hearts, poodles, mermaids, you name it. 456 00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:39,543 Oh, my God, you should teach me. 457 00:23:39,627 --> 00:23:41,378 We could do it for our talent for the pageant. 458 00:23:41,837 --> 00:23:44,548 Oh, I don't know. Don't you think that'll read a little low-class? 459 00:23:46,967 --> 00:23:49,136 You're ashamed of where you came from. 460 00:23:50,137 --> 00:23:51,680 That's why you lied to my mom. 461 00:23:54,308 --> 00:23:57,770 I tried to leave my past behind me when I met Bob. 462 00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:07,071 My daddy worked for Bob's family, and he needed a little extra help 463 00:24:07,154 --> 00:24:11,200 getting the yard in shape for Bob's law school graduation party. 464 00:24:12,785 --> 00:24:14,495 And that's when I first saw him. 465 00:24:20,084 --> 00:24:23,629 Hey, can you cut the noise? I'm working on my... 466 00:24:33,847 --> 00:24:35,599 It was love at first sight. 467 00:24:38,227 --> 00:24:41,730 And I knew I was gonna marry that man from the second I saw him. 468 00:24:44,233 --> 00:24:47,569 When he looked at me, I felt like he saw me. 469 00:24:47,653 --> 00:24:52,324 Not like the outsides, but the person inside of me 470 00:24:52,741 --> 00:24:54,702 that I didn't even know was there. 471 00:24:56,829 --> 00:24:58,664 Yeah, I know what you mean. 472 00:25:00,124 --> 00:25:02,251 Bob saw something special in me. 473 00:25:04,294 --> 00:25:10,175 So, if he sees something special in you, then he must be right. 474 00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:19,101 That's why I wanted to tell you the truth about my past... 475 00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:23,230 ...so you can know what's possible. 476 00:25:24,106 --> 00:25:26,900 You don't have to be screwed just because your momma was. 477 00:25:28,444 --> 00:25:29,403 Okay? 478 00:25:30,112 --> 00:25:32,531 Don't let anybody get in the way of your dreams. 479 00:25:35,075 --> 00:25:37,619 In five hours, Coralee had been more of a mom 480 00:25:37,703 --> 00:25:40,122 than my own mother had been in 17 years. 481 00:25:40,998 --> 00:25:43,459 Maybe I didn't want to blow up her life after all. 482 00:25:47,421 --> 00:25:50,257 I made special pageant smoothies. 483 00:25:50,841 --> 00:25:52,926 - There you are. All right. - Thank you. 484 00:25:53,886 --> 00:25:54,928 Hey. 485 00:25:55,596 --> 00:25:58,515 Magnolia doesn't want to do pageants anymore. 486 00:25:58,599 --> 00:25:59,641 Come on. 487 00:26:00,642 --> 00:26:03,854 - What? Since when? - Since they stopped being fun. 488 00:26:06,231 --> 00:26:08,734 Well, you're telling me this now? The pageant is tomorrow. 489 00:26:08,817 --> 00:26:11,236 - She's miserable, Bob. - Maybe it's because you're never here. 490 00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:14,448 You ever think about that? If you really cared about her happiness... 491 00:26:14,531 --> 00:26:15,365 Dad, stop. 492 00:26:21,622 --> 00:26:22,790 You gonna get that? 493 00:26:30,631 --> 00:26:32,883 Dr. Barnard. 494 00:26:35,135 --> 00:26:36,678 No, I, uh, can't. 495 00:26:37,554 --> 00:26:39,014 I'm with my daughter. 496 00:26:39,098 --> 00:26:40,015 It's okay. 497 00:26:40,599 --> 00:26:41,934 Do what you gotta do. 498 00:26:45,062 --> 00:26:48,023 Yeah, I'll be there by tonight. 499 00:26:49,525 --> 00:26:50,400 Okay. 500 00:26:53,529 --> 00:26:54,905 I am so sorry. 501 00:26:55,114 --> 00:26:58,617 Don't be. You're setting a good example. 502 00:26:59,159 --> 00:27:00,786 That a woman can have it all. 503 00:27:01,537 --> 00:27:02,704 Except I can't. 504 00:27:03,122 --> 00:27:06,375 When I'm at work, I miss home, and when I'm home, I miss work. 505 00:27:08,627 --> 00:27:10,879 Wait, when you're home you miss work? 506 00:27:12,798 --> 00:27:15,801 No, what I mean is, my work is important to me too, 507 00:27:15,884 --> 00:27:17,427 and it's a balance. 508 00:27:18,971 --> 00:27:21,682 Well, Mom, maybe you're right. 509 00:27:23,016 --> 00:27:24,643 You really can't have it all. 510 00:27:26,854 --> 00:27:28,230 No. Mag... 511 00:27:44,329 --> 00:27:45,455 Get in. 512 00:27:45,539 --> 00:27:48,375 Why the hell would you want to do a mother-daughter pageant with me? 513 00:27:48,458 --> 00:27:50,586 Because, Patty's doing it with someone else 514 00:27:50,669 --> 00:27:53,505 and I want her to know what it feels like to be replaced. 515 00:27:53,589 --> 00:27:55,507 You know you're the parent, right? 516 00:27:55,716 --> 00:27:57,885 I'm the closest thing you ever had to a mom. 517 00:27:58,260 --> 00:28:01,346 Thanks, Ange. Real subtle bringing up my dead mom. 518 00:28:01,430 --> 00:28:04,641 I'm just saying. I've taught you valuable life lessons. 519 00:28:04,725 --> 00:28:05,893 Name one. 520 00:28:07,019 --> 00:28:08,478 How to throw a punch. 521 00:28:08,896 --> 00:28:12,441 And that in New York, Long Island Iced Tea, it's just iced tea. 522 00:28:12,858 --> 00:28:14,985 And that not everyone looks good in a romper. 523 00:28:16,028 --> 00:28:18,238 You should write a parenting book. Really. 524 00:28:18,989 --> 00:28:22,201 I'm just saying. You'd get to sing in public. 525 00:28:22,826 --> 00:28:24,494 Which I know you love. 526 00:28:25,204 --> 00:28:26,788 And it'd be fun. 527 00:28:26,872 --> 00:28:28,624 Get dressed up for the day. 528 00:28:28,707 --> 00:28:30,209 Put on some makeup. 529 00:28:30,626 --> 00:28:32,961 You could be so pretty if you tried. 530 00:28:33,754 --> 00:28:37,299 Eww. You could be really nice if you weren't such a dick. 531 00:28:37,841 --> 00:28:39,927 I bet Patty'd think you look hot. 532 00:28:42,179 --> 00:28:45,265 - Momma, I'm hot. Why are we working out? - Oof! 533 00:28:45,807 --> 00:28:48,769 I do my best thinking when I'm sweating. 534 00:28:49,686 --> 00:28:54,024 We need a talent for the pageant. What are we both good at? 535 00:28:56,860 --> 00:28:59,488 Shooting guns, talking shit. 536 00:28:59,571 --> 00:29:00,864 Sabotage. 537 00:29:01,490 --> 00:29:03,283 Oh, honey. 538 00:29:03,367 --> 00:29:06,995 Oh, I think you just figured out how we're gonna win! 539 00:29:12,334 --> 00:29:15,170 Excuse me, baby. I'll be back in a minute. 540 00:29:16,713 --> 00:29:18,674 I gotta use the ladies room. 541 00:29:21,843 --> 00:29:22,678 Ooh! 542 00:29:23,178 --> 00:29:25,681 - You smell like a man. - Beat it, Regina. 543 00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:30,269 Right here in front of everyone? Okay. 544 00:29:30,352 --> 00:29:31,228 Gross. 545 00:29:32,646 --> 00:29:35,315 Don't you miss all this? 546 00:29:36,942 --> 00:29:37,859 No. 547 00:29:39,027 --> 00:29:42,906 What about all... this? 548 00:29:43,490 --> 00:29:44,700 Regina, stop. 549 00:29:46,118 --> 00:29:48,870 I'm back with Magnolia, and if my parents knew that you were here... 550 00:29:48,954 --> 00:29:52,207 Momma? We gotta go if we want to catch Little People, Big World. 551 00:29:52,291 --> 00:29:53,667 I'm coming! 552 00:29:56,753 --> 00:29:59,339 When you're done doggy paddling in the kiddie pool, 553 00:29:59,881 --> 00:30:05,012 and you want to do some... breaststrokes in the deep end, 554 00:30:06,263 --> 00:30:08,015 you know where to find me. 555 00:30:14,980 --> 00:30:15,981 Okay, let's go. 556 00:30:26,783 --> 00:30:28,869 Are you ready to pop your cherry? 557 00:30:28,952 --> 00:30:31,455 What? It's her first pageant. 558 00:30:32,289 --> 00:30:34,207 Are you excited? 559 00:30:34,291 --> 00:30:37,669 Yeah, and nervous. I didn't realize there would be so many contestants. 560 00:30:37,753 --> 00:30:40,339 Minus our biggest competition. 561 00:30:40,464 --> 00:30:43,508 Magnolia Barnard has literally never lost a pageant. 562 00:30:43,592 --> 00:30:45,218 Now that she and Etta Mae have dropped out, 563 00:30:45,302 --> 00:30:47,054 we have a much better shot. 564 00:30:47,137 --> 00:30:48,096 Okay. 565 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:49,514 Ow! 566 00:30:49,598 --> 00:30:51,725 - Oh, sorry. - Mind your bush. 567 00:30:52,476 --> 00:30:53,518 Mom? 568 00:30:54,061 --> 00:30:55,187 What are you doing here? 569 00:30:55,270 --> 00:30:58,482 Oh, well, we're doing the mother-daughter pageant. 570 00:30:58,565 --> 00:31:01,068 If you can do it without me, I can do it without you. 571 00:31:02,361 --> 00:31:03,737 Seriously? 572 00:31:04,404 --> 00:31:06,073 I expected this from her, but you? 573 00:31:06,156 --> 00:31:08,617 I'm sorry. She manipulated me. 574 00:31:09,159 --> 00:31:11,578 And you. I can't believe you. 575 00:31:11,661 --> 00:31:14,081 I finally found something that makes me feel good about myself, 576 00:31:14,164 --> 00:31:18,335 and you decided to become my competition? When is it my turn? 577 00:31:18,418 --> 00:31:20,962 I was doing pageants long before you came along, honey. 578 00:31:21,046 --> 00:31:22,255 This isn't about you. 579 00:31:22,339 --> 00:31:23,632 It's never about me. 580 00:31:24,132 --> 00:31:26,927 Every single time in my life when it should have been about me 581 00:31:27,010 --> 00:31:29,137 getting attention, you've always made it about you. 582 00:31:29,221 --> 00:31:31,932 On my fifth birthday party, you had sex with the clown. 583 00:31:32,182 --> 00:31:34,142 You got drunk at my middle school graduation. 584 00:31:34,226 --> 00:31:36,353 I tried to play soccer and you heckled me. 585 00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:39,189 Yeah, I did. You run like you got shit in your pants. 586 00:31:39,689 --> 00:31:43,276 And now, you're showing up trying to steal my spotlight? 587 00:31:43,735 --> 00:31:45,487 What kind of mother does that to her daughter? 588 00:31:46,321 --> 00:31:47,364 Hey, come on. 589 00:31:49,157 --> 00:31:50,325 - Patt... - Ladies. 590 00:31:56,331 --> 00:31:57,457 Well, I need a drink. 591 00:31:57,791 --> 00:31:58,917 Angie, don't. 592 00:32:00,627 --> 00:32:01,586 Fine. 593 00:32:02,629 --> 00:32:03,922 I'm gonna go meditate. 594 00:32:04,673 --> 00:32:06,258 You go for a walk or something. 595 00:32:18,854 --> 00:32:21,106 I was furious at my mom. 596 00:32:21,648 --> 00:32:24,067 I wish I had a necklace to blow up her life. 597 00:32:25,402 --> 00:32:26,903 You gotta shake it off. 598 00:32:27,154 --> 00:32:29,573 We gotta keep you in the zone. 599 00:32:33,785 --> 00:32:37,330 Would the owner of a red minivan please move your car. 600 00:32:37,414 --> 00:32:39,624 Let's take a walk, clear your head. 601 00:32:44,838 --> 00:32:46,840 Are you seeing what I'm seeing? 602 00:32:48,925 --> 00:32:50,635 - A bunch of bitches? - No. 603 00:32:51,011 --> 00:32:54,764 Inspiration for sabotage. 604 00:32:59,603 --> 00:33:01,313 Do you think I should quit the pageant? 605 00:33:02,564 --> 00:33:03,899 Why are you asking me? 606 00:33:04,232 --> 00:33:06,193 Because we're friends. 607 00:33:07,319 --> 00:33:10,572 Wait. You think we're friends? 608 00:33:11,323 --> 00:33:13,283 I mean, yeah. 609 00:33:13,825 --> 00:33:15,869 Why else would I have called you? 610 00:33:19,664 --> 00:33:21,291 Yeah, sure. 611 00:33:21,833 --> 00:33:23,502 Cool. Uh... 612 00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:26,213 I've never had a friend who's a girl before. 613 00:33:28,006 --> 00:33:31,593 Okay. Pros to doing the pageant. 614 00:33:33,178 --> 00:33:35,680 I've never gotten to do a mother-daughter anything. 615 00:33:36,014 --> 00:33:37,933 My real mom died when I was three. 616 00:33:38,558 --> 00:33:41,978 So, even though Patty's mom is an extreme mess, 617 00:33:42,062 --> 00:33:44,856 she's also the closest thing I've ever had to a mom. 618 00:33:45,941 --> 00:33:47,901 And I really want to sing. 619 00:33:48,777 --> 00:33:52,864 Maybe this'll help me understand why Patty's into all this stuff. 620 00:33:52,948 --> 00:33:54,783 Okay. Cons? 621 00:33:56,785 --> 00:33:58,161 Patty might hate me. 622 00:34:00,413 --> 00:34:02,207 Oh, that's it? One con? 623 00:34:05,585 --> 00:34:07,546 I think you should do it. 624 00:34:08,505 --> 00:34:10,924 You know, go back in and do the pageant. 625 00:34:11,508 --> 00:34:15,679 You've literally just followed Patty to Alabama to protect her. 626 00:34:16,429 --> 00:34:18,473 You've done her plenty of solids. 627 00:34:19,766 --> 00:34:22,060 Maybe it's time to do one for yourself. 628 00:34:29,192 --> 00:34:30,777 We've been defaced. 629 00:34:35,782 --> 00:34:36,783 What? 630 00:34:37,659 --> 00:34:39,869 - You don't think my mom would have...? - No. 631 00:34:40,328 --> 00:34:46,001 This is the work of an evil mother who can spell and her idiot daughter who can't. 632 00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:48,420 Regina and Dixie. 633 00:34:48,503 --> 00:34:49,796 That bitch. 634 00:34:49,879 --> 00:34:53,049 - It's not enough to deflower my so... - Just focus on winning. 635 00:34:53,133 --> 00:34:54,509 - Okay. - How? 636 00:34:55,093 --> 00:34:56,219 Without wardrobe... 637 00:34:56,303 --> 00:34:59,848 Patty, bring me my caboodle. 638 00:35:04,853 --> 00:35:06,688 Uh, what are you doing here? 639 00:35:07,105 --> 00:35:10,317 Just because we sucked face in Alabama does not mean that you can show up here 640 00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:13,111 acting like my boyfriend, because no. 641 00:35:13,194 --> 00:35:15,488 I didn't know you were here. I'm here for Nonnie. 642 00:35:15,572 --> 00:35:19,075 Good, because we are definitely not doing it in the bathroom. 643 00:35:20,410 --> 00:35:21,995 This is such a cliché. 644 00:35:22,662 --> 00:35:24,831 We're the only two Asians at school. 645 00:35:25,624 --> 00:35:28,960 I am not Asian. I am adopted. 646 00:35:36,509 --> 00:35:37,844 Thank you very much. 647 00:35:39,012 --> 00:35:43,808 And welcome to the first annual mother-daughter pageant sponsored by WMBS, 648 00:35:44,225 --> 00:35:46,561 Working Mothers Benevolent Society, 649 00:35:46,645 --> 00:35:49,439 where 100 percent of tonight's proceeds 650 00:35:49,522 --> 00:35:54,110 go to childcare for working mothers everywhere. 651 00:35:55,320 --> 00:36:00,575 And now, let's say hi to our illustrious judges. 652 00:36:04,996 --> 00:36:08,583 Now, let's get this show started. 653 00:37:22,115 --> 00:37:24,451 Are you ready for a show? Here we go. 654 00:37:24,534 --> 00:37:25,535 Come on. 655 00:37:37,338 --> 00:37:39,007 The tear-away tux. 656 00:37:39,299 --> 00:37:40,925 The mankini. 657 00:37:41,009 --> 00:37:44,471 He planned to steal the spotlight all along. 658 00:37:44,554 --> 00:37:46,181 I couldn't trust him. 659 00:37:46,431 --> 00:37:48,933 That dirty effin' dancer. 660 00:37:59,986 --> 00:38:02,071 Okay. Okay. 661 00:38:02,655 --> 00:38:03,656 No. 662 00:38:04,365 --> 00:38:06,201 No. No. 663 00:38:06,284 --> 00:38:08,453 How about we see some people with their clothes on? 664 00:38:08,953 --> 00:38:13,583 Let's welcome our mother-daughter teams in their fun fashion wear. 665 00:38:14,167 --> 00:38:15,168 You tricked me. 666 00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:18,171 You can't be mad. I helped you with the Regina thing. 667 00:38:18,588 --> 00:38:19,672 Even Steven. 668 00:38:19,923 --> 00:38:23,426 And now, here comes our first mother-daughter pair. 669 00:38:23,510 --> 00:38:26,596 Nonnie Thompson and Angie Bladell. 670 00:38:37,190 --> 00:38:39,901 Regina and Dixie Sinclair. 671 00:38:41,903 --> 00:38:45,114 Uninspired but walking in unison, I guess. 672 00:38:49,118 --> 00:38:53,957 And my personal favorites, Patty Bladell and Coralee Armstrong. 673 00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:55,583 Oh, making a statement. 674 00:38:55,667 --> 00:38:56,543 Yes. 675 00:38:56,626 --> 00:39:00,588 Taking back the slurs that women are bombarded with every day is shocking... 676 00:39:01,005 --> 00:39:03,424 and empowering. 677 00:39:03,508 --> 00:39:04,759 Way to go, ladies. 678 00:39:04,843 --> 00:39:09,055 Next up, we have Jessica and Ashley Johnson. 679 00:39:09,138 --> 00:39:11,432 Since Magnolia and Etta Mae dropped out, 680 00:39:11,516 --> 00:39:14,477 Regina and Dixie were our main competition. 681 00:39:14,769 --> 00:39:18,439 Patty and Coralee would need to ace the talent portion to win. 682 00:39:18,523 --> 00:39:22,151 He touched me all down in my hoo. But I said, "No means no." 683 00:39:22,777 --> 00:39:25,530 Winner, winner, winner. 684 00:39:25,947 --> 00:39:28,867 This one is in the bag. 685 00:39:28,950 --> 00:39:31,995 Oh, my God. You're drunk. 686 00:39:32,078 --> 00:39:34,539 We're on next. I can't go on without you. I'll be disqualified. 687 00:39:34,622 --> 00:39:37,041 So now you hate me? Patty hates me. 688 00:39:37,125 --> 00:39:38,501 - Come on. - Let's just go. 689 00:39:38,585 --> 00:39:40,378 - Just get... - Come on. Come on. Let... Come... 690 00:39:40,670 --> 00:39:44,007 Let's just get you some coffee, yeah? Angie? 691 00:39:44,382 --> 00:39:45,508 Ang... 692 00:39:45,633 --> 00:39:46,676 Angie? 693 00:39:50,513 --> 00:39:51,556 So that's it? 694 00:39:53,016 --> 00:39:54,225 I can't sing? 695 00:39:54,851 --> 00:39:56,477 I felt badly for her. 696 00:39:56,978 --> 00:39:58,938 But it was winner take all. 697 00:39:59,606 --> 00:40:03,067 Everyone knows pageants are cutthroat. 698 00:40:31,638 --> 00:40:33,222 Did they make a lady biscuit? 699 00:40:35,308 --> 00:40:37,143 It's a Georgia peach, y'all. 700 00:40:48,696 --> 00:40:50,698 What if my dad was right? 701 00:40:51,366 --> 00:40:54,786 You know, what if my mom doesn't care about me? 702 00:40:54,869 --> 00:40:56,245 I care about you. 703 00:40:58,206 --> 00:41:00,625 I downloaded Dirty Dancing on my laptop. 704 00:41:00,708 --> 00:41:03,586 And I have a bag of bacon cheddar popcorn and beer. 705 00:41:03,962 --> 00:41:06,798 Aww. All of my favorite things. 706 00:41:08,091 --> 00:41:09,092 What's up? 707 00:41:10,343 --> 00:41:12,720 I wanted to show you that I'm not all about sex. 708 00:41:13,972 --> 00:41:16,891 That I can do better, and if you want to talk, 709 00:41:17,475 --> 00:41:18,518 we can... 710 00:41:19,852 --> 00:41:20,728 Shh. 711 00:41:22,397 --> 00:41:23,940 Stop talking. 712 00:41:27,568 --> 00:41:29,862 Patty and Coralee's bushes were first-rate, 713 00:41:29,946 --> 00:41:31,948 but they were still at a disadvantage. 714 00:41:32,031 --> 00:41:37,704 Dixie and Regina were the only pair with a bona fide mother-daughter relationship. 715 00:41:38,121 --> 00:41:40,498 Dixie, answer this question. 716 00:41:41,082 --> 00:41:43,292 What does this woman mean to you? 717 00:41:46,004 --> 00:41:48,965 - My momma is a blond angel. - Aww... 718 00:41:49,090 --> 00:41:52,927 She picked me from the ward of unwanted babies in China, 719 00:41:53,011 --> 00:41:55,430 where little girls are often left in ditches. 720 00:41:55,513 --> 00:41:56,639 Thank you. 721 00:42:03,980 --> 00:42:05,773 Found her in a ditch. 722 00:42:06,566 --> 00:42:07,608 Beat that. 723 00:42:10,278 --> 00:42:11,320 It's okay. 724 00:42:11,904 --> 00:42:13,114 I can't do this. 725 00:42:13,197 --> 00:42:14,907 What? Why not? 726 00:42:15,324 --> 00:42:17,618 Because I've known you for, what, a few days? 727 00:42:17,827 --> 00:42:20,038 How are we gonna convince them we have a real bond? 728 00:42:20,121 --> 00:42:21,372 Because we do. 729 00:42:21,456 --> 00:42:24,542 Please welcome Coralee Armstrong and Patty Bladell. 730 00:42:24,625 --> 00:42:26,544 I believe in you, Patty. 731 00:42:26,627 --> 00:42:29,380 Come on. Let's go out there and win this thing. 732 00:42:37,847 --> 00:42:41,350 Patty, what does this woman mean to you? 733 00:42:50,193 --> 00:42:55,239 My whole life, my real mom told me, "Bladell women never win." 734 00:42:56,282 --> 00:43:01,079 So, instead of living my dreams, I ate them. 735 00:43:02,455 --> 00:43:08,377 And the fat became an armor, protecting me from disappointment. 736 00:43:09,670 --> 00:43:11,255 And then I got skinny, 737 00:43:12,340 --> 00:43:18,638 but I still felt weighed down by who I was, where I came from. 738 00:43:21,182 --> 00:43:25,645 Then someone came along who saw something special in me. 739 00:43:26,854 --> 00:43:31,025 And at first, I thought that that person was just Coralee's husband, Bob... 740 00:43:32,193 --> 00:43:37,532 but Coralee also showed me that I'm not bound to my past, 741 00:43:38,491 --> 00:43:41,994 that anything is possible if I believe in myself. 742 00:43:43,037 --> 00:43:47,375 And for the first time, I think I actually might. 743 00:43:49,210 --> 00:43:53,214 Thank you for loving me before I could love myself, 744 00:43:54,298 --> 00:43:55,925 like a real mom is supposed to. 745 00:44:02,598 --> 00:44:04,600 You're beautiful, Patty! 746 00:44:08,396 --> 00:44:09,856 Did you really mean all that? 747 00:44:10,231 --> 00:44:11,315 Every word. 748 00:44:12,358 --> 00:44:15,862 It was a mother-daughter miracle. 749 00:44:16,112 --> 00:44:19,407 They had formed a real connection, and with any luck, 750 00:44:19,490 --> 00:44:22,785 that could turn Patty into a real winner. 751 00:44:26,747 --> 00:44:30,459 And the winners of the mother-daughter pageant are... 752 00:44:32,503 --> 00:44:36,966 Coralee Armstrong and Patty Bladell! 753 00:44:37,049 --> 00:44:38,092 We did it! 754 00:44:38,968 --> 00:44:40,636 I qualified for Miss Magic Jesus. 755 00:44:41,929 --> 00:44:43,306 Thanks! 756 00:44:44,974 --> 00:44:46,142 Thank you. 757 00:44:49,687 --> 00:44:52,732 No! This pageant is rigged. Ooh! 758 00:44:52,815 --> 00:44:55,818 Bob Armstrong rigged the whole thing. 759 00:44:56,277 --> 00:44:58,821 Wow. She did it again. You totally called it. 760 00:44:59,655 --> 00:45:01,490 ...again and again. 761 00:45:01,574 --> 00:45:06,037 He's just allowed again and again, like some pesky disease in this community. 762 00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:08,664 Thank you. I'm glad that you are here, sir. 763 00:45:08,748 --> 00:45:09,707 - Regina Sinclair? - Yes. 764 00:45:09,790 --> 00:45:11,626 You're under arrest for statutory rape. 765 00:45:12,877 --> 00:45:13,920 What? 766 00:45:14,587 --> 00:45:17,215 Momma? Who did you rape? 767 00:45:17,757 --> 00:45:19,258 - No one! - Come on, bring her. 768 00:45:19,926 --> 00:45:21,302 Call Grandpa! 769 00:45:21,385 --> 00:45:25,097 Introduce yourself, then tell him to meet me at the courthouse! 770 00:45:35,024 --> 00:45:38,027 Dixie's mom just got arrested for sleeping with a kid at school. 771 00:45:40,321 --> 00:45:41,197 Eww! 772 00:45:42,198 --> 00:45:43,741 Who would hook up with her? 773 00:45:45,660 --> 00:45:49,121 I couldn't believe it. I'd won my first pageant. 774 00:45:49,330 --> 00:45:52,291 It felt like a drug, and I wanted more. 775 00:45:52,375 --> 00:45:55,544 Maybe all my wildest dreams could come true. 776 00:45:55,753 --> 00:45:58,673 Now that the pageant was over, I could destroy Bob's marriage 777 00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:00,758 and have him all to myself. 778 00:46:00,841 --> 00:46:03,803 There's my winning mother-daughter team. 779 00:46:03,886 --> 00:46:06,097 Congrats, girls. 780 00:46:06,847 --> 00:46:09,558 Except, I didn't want to anymore. 781 00:46:09,642 --> 00:46:11,519 I loved them both. 782 00:46:11,894 --> 00:46:13,437 I am proud of you. 783 00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:16,607 Thank you. But I couldn't have done it without Coralee. 784 00:46:18,359 --> 00:46:19,819 Well, there's my winner. 785 00:46:20,403 --> 00:46:21,404 Hey. 786 00:46:23,030 --> 00:46:24,073 I'm sorry. 787 00:46:24,949 --> 00:46:26,951 I wasn't trying to steal your fire. 788 00:46:27,034 --> 00:46:28,119 It's okay. 789 00:46:29,287 --> 00:46:31,080 You looked so beautiful up there. 790 00:46:33,374 --> 00:46:34,542 I'm so proud of you. 791 00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:37,670 We'll give you a minute. 792 00:46:41,299 --> 00:46:44,510 I heard what you said in your interview... about Coralee. 793 00:46:45,720 --> 00:46:47,513 - I'm sorry. - Mm-mm. 794 00:46:48,597 --> 00:46:49,682 I'm sorry. 795 00:46:50,725 --> 00:46:52,977 I did some shitty things. You were right. 796 00:46:54,020 --> 00:46:55,980 But it's not because I don't believe in you. 797 00:46:58,190 --> 00:46:59,775 It's 'cause I was jealous. 798 00:47:00,401 --> 00:47:04,363 Yeah. And that is a crappy thing to feel. 799 00:47:07,158 --> 00:47:08,576 But I want to make it right. 800 00:47:10,703 --> 00:47:14,957 So, if you want to do pageants with Bob... 801 00:47:16,250 --> 00:47:17,668 I won't stand in your way. 802 00:47:21,839 --> 00:47:22,882 Thank you. 803 00:47:25,468 --> 00:47:27,928 For being honest with me. 804 00:47:29,472 --> 00:47:31,766 Yeah, well, I was full of shit for so long, 805 00:47:31,849 --> 00:47:33,851 I figured I'd try something else. 806 00:47:33,934 --> 00:47:35,061 Yeah. 807 00:47:35,144 --> 00:47:37,188 Oh, come on, we should celebrate. Right? 808 00:47:37,813 --> 00:47:38,773 Right. 809 00:47:39,190 --> 00:47:41,192 Could we maybe invite Coralee? 810 00:47:44,153 --> 00:47:45,071 Sure. 811 00:47:46,155 --> 00:47:47,573 Let's go get her. 812 00:47:47,865 --> 00:47:49,450 It's so heavy, I swear I... 813 00:47:49,533 --> 00:47:52,787 Coralee? My bio mom wants to celebrate. 814 00:47:52,870 --> 00:47:54,747 - She wants you to come. - Oh! 815 00:47:54,872 --> 00:47:57,208 Coralee, Wiener Taco. 816 00:47:57,291 --> 00:47:59,210 My treat. 817 00:47:59,418 --> 00:48:02,546 Uh, Wiener Taco? That's disgusting. 818 00:48:07,301 --> 00:48:10,221 Sweetie, you know we can't hang out anymore, right, honey? 819 00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:13,265 What? Why? 820 00:48:14,058 --> 00:48:17,061 Well, getting those ladies to accept me was all I ever wanted. 821 00:48:17,144 --> 00:48:20,689 And you and your mom, y'all could really drag me down. 822 00:48:21,524 --> 00:48:22,691 So, that's it? 823 00:48:23,109 --> 00:48:24,485 You're just blowing me off? 824 00:48:25,236 --> 00:48:26,737 It's not about you. 825 00:48:30,241 --> 00:48:31,367 It never is. 826 00:48:31,784 --> 00:48:35,246 She knew how vulnerable I was, and she abandoned me anyway. 827 00:48:36,455 --> 00:48:38,666 I wanted her to hurt like I hurt. 828 00:48:38,749 --> 00:48:41,919 I wanted her to feel betrayed like I felt betrayed. 829 00:48:42,211 --> 00:48:44,004 I wanted to light her on fire. 830 00:48:44,213 --> 00:48:46,966 But instead, I threw a grenade. 831 00:48:47,049 --> 00:48:49,969 Coralee, I have something to give you. 832 00:48:50,052 --> 00:48:52,221 But don't worry, it's not about you. 833 00:48:54,890 --> 00:48:57,518 It's a necklace that Bob gave Stella Rose, who he met, 834 00:48:57,601 --> 00:49:00,104 as you know, while you were married. 835 00:49:02,690 --> 00:49:04,316 I thought you'd want to have it.