1 00:00:10,969 --> 00:00:12,638 I knew skinny was magic, 2 00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:15,641 but now, none of my bras fit. 3 00:00:15,724 --> 00:00:17,518 The new Patty was more powerful, 4 00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:19,561 but with much smaller boobs. 5 00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:22,898 Bob says nothing says confidence like a good push-up bra. 6 00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:24,983 - What do you think about this one? - Mmm. 7 00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:26,276 This one? 8 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,695 I don't know. I feel like I'd have to see it on. 9 00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:31,490 I just wanna look my best this weekend. 10 00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,618 I still don't understand why Bob's taking you all the way 11 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:37,120 to a pageant in Alabama if you're not even competing. 12 00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:40,207 'Cause, he's gonna show me how real pageant girls act. 13 00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:43,544 How they walk, how they talk, how they smile. 14 00:00:43,961 --> 00:00:47,589 His coaching mentor is the director, so she's giving us VIP access. 15 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,342 Are you really into all this beauty pageant stuff, 16 00:00:50,425 --> 00:00:51,593 or are you just into Bob? 17 00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:53,011 Both. 18 00:00:53,637 --> 00:00:55,973 And now that I'm getting him away from his wife for the weekend, 19 00:00:56,515 --> 00:00:58,600 I'm gonna show him that I am his soul mate too. 20 00:00:58,684 --> 00:01:00,102 We're perfect partners. 21 00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:01,770 We're gonna win Miss Magic Jesus, 22 00:01:01,853 --> 00:01:04,523 and Regionals, and Miss American Lady, and then I'll be famous, 23 00:01:04,606 --> 00:01:06,817 and everyone else can S a big fat D. 24 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:07,859 Oh, leopard! 25 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:10,153 - Do you think he'll like this one? - Hold up. 26 00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:12,531 What do you think is going to happen on this trip? 27 00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:15,450 This weekend is going to be fun, fun, fun. 28 00:01:18,704 --> 00:01:20,998 This weekend is gonna be work, work, work. 29 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,876 Why is seeing your pageant coaching mentor suddenly such a goddamned emergency? 30 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:28,005 Miss Magic Jesus is in just a couple of weeks, 31 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,381 and I need the extra help. 32 00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:30,549 Well, so do I! 33 00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:32,426 My dinner party is tonight, 34 00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:34,970 and all the Junior League ladies are bringing their husbands, 35 00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:38,724 and you're leaving me alone like some divorceé. 36 00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:40,434 I thought we were partners. 37 00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:42,019 We are. 38 00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:45,772 I cooked, I cleaned, I tszujed, everything looks great! 39 00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:49,860 You know what doesn't look great? You, taking a minor across state lines. 40 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,528 That looks a lot like kidnapping. 41 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:52,613 Don't be dramatic. 42 00:01:52,696 --> 00:01:54,698 Well, you're the one acting like it's life or death. 43 00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:55,949 Because it is! 44 00:01:56,533 --> 00:01:58,660 - Why? - Because Patty is out of control! 45 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:01,830 What do you mean? 46 00:02:02,164 --> 00:02:04,249 She nearly lit a man on fire. 47 00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:05,167 She's just... 48 00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:07,586 a little willful, impulsive. 49 00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:09,755 Impetuous. 50 00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:11,882 Bob, she's a teenage girl, 51 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,967 they're all insane and you know this. 52 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:15,302 No, Patty is different! 53 00:02:16,928 --> 00:02:20,515 - How? - Because she is my only coaching client. 54 00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:23,352 And you know that is the most important thing in my life. 55 00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:24,895 - Mm-hmm. - Other than you. 56 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:25,812 Mm-hmm. 57 00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:29,316 Patty actually reminds me a lot of you when I first met you. 58 00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:30,442 Bite your tongue. 59 00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:32,361 She has the same kind of fire. 60 00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:34,071 And if I could just harness it, 61 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:37,115 I think she could take us both all the way to Miss American Lady. 62 00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:39,618 I just have to get her under control. 63 00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:43,413 Stella Rose, she taught me everything I know. 64 00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,165 She will know what to do. 65 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:49,419 Would it really be so bad for you to have to give up coaching? 66 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:52,297 Oh, would it really be so bad if you didn't get into the Junior League? 67 00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:59,137 Patty. What are you doing here? I said I was gonna pick you up. 68 00:02:59,221 --> 00:03:01,640 Well, I was running early, so I figured I'd save you the trip. 69 00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:04,935 - See what I mean? Willful. - I can see the emergency. 70 00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,938 Meet me in the driveway, I'll pull the car around. 71 00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,272 It's okay, I'll go in from the garage. 72 00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:11,108 - Patty, please. - I'm sorry. 73 00:03:13,944 --> 00:03:17,197 Coralee was wrong. This was an emergency. 74 00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:19,866 If Stella Rose couldn't help me control Patty's fire, 75 00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,660 she could burn us both to the ground. 76 00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:23,745 Potato chip? 77 00:03:25,247 --> 00:03:27,874 No, thanks. Once I start on those, I can't stop. 78 00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:31,962 What the hell is all this crap? 79 00:03:32,504 --> 00:03:34,548 Snacks. Road trip calories don't count. 80 00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:36,550 What? Of course they do! 81 00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:37,801 Will you put that away? 82 00:03:39,136 --> 00:03:40,011 You're in a mood. 83 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:41,555 Is it Coralee? 84 00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:46,435 Every time I come around, she gets tense. 85 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,645 I wouldn't take it personally. I think... 86 00:03:49,187 --> 00:03:52,315 you just remind her a lot of herself when she was that age. 87 00:03:53,608 --> 00:03:55,569 But why are you trying to change me? 88 00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:57,320 Don't you like me the way I am? 89 00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:58,989 I love you. 90 00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:02,576 You are beautiful, and fierce, sophisticated. 91 00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:05,704 I just want you to wear all that on the outside too. 92 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:07,998 - Mm-mm. - Mmm. 93 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,207 - Mm-mm. - Mmm. 94 00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:10,542 - Mmm. Mmm. - Mmm. 95 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:13,211 Do I remind you of your wife? 96 00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:20,260 Actually, you remind me more of myself. 97 00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:23,013 See? Soul mates. 98 00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:27,267 I um... I made us a playlist for the road. 99 00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:56,087 You know, usually I'm partial to the classics. 100 00:04:56,171 --> 00:04:59,007 Britney. Christina. But I do like this. 101 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,235 I was finally at a real pageant. 102 00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:20,237 And with no one else around, 103 00:05:20,529 --> 00:05:22,697 I would have Bob's full attention. 104 00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:24,658 How do I look? How's my hair? 105 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:26,535 You look great. 106 00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:28,578 Are you okay? You seem nervous. 107 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,121 Nervous? No. I, uh... 108 00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:33,375 I just haven't seen Stella Rose in almost 20 years 109 00:05:33,458 --> 00:05:35,752 and she is a bit of a harsh critic. 110 00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,420 She's even more direct than I am. 111 00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:39,297 I didn't think that was possible. 112 00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,675 Oh, trust me, she's a legend. 113 00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:45,679 Before she started directing, she coached three Miss USAs, 114 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:48,974 one Miss American Lady... Oh, my God, she's here. 115 00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:51,309 Well! 116 00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:54,062 Look what the horse drug in. 117 00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,277 You look like something the cat dragged in. 118 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,903 I'm sorry. My stylist used too much product. 119 00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:05,782 - Nobody cares about your sob story. - Hey, hey. 120 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:08,869 Oh, it's not that bad. 121 00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:12,414 Look, no. You just need a little... 122 00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:23,008 And... 123 00:06:24,301 --> 00:06:25,176 there. 124 00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:26,636 No more tears. 125 00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:33,643 Impressive. You got a daughter in the pageant? 126 00:06:34,144 --> 00:06:36,354 Oh, no, I'm here for a conference. I'm a lawyer. 127 00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:39,149 What's a lawyer know about fixing hair? 128 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:42,444 A trial is the biggest pageant there is. 129 00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:45,280 I gotta make sure my clients pass muster before a jury. 130 00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:47,365 You've got a gift for style. 131 00:06:48,199 --> 00:06:50,118 Ever thought about making money at it? 132 00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:53,872 I did, but my wife put the kibosh on it. 133 00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:56,541 The night before I was scheduled to take the bar, 134 00:06:56,833 --> 00:07:00,921 I got offered a sales management position at Bergdorf Goodman. 135 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,964 But she wouldn't let me take it. 136 00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:06,635 Said it wouldn't give us the lifestyle that she wanted. 137 00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:08,303 That's tragic. 138 00:07:10,388 --> 00:07:13,850 You are literally the only person that thinks that, besides me. 139 00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:16,478 Well, you clearly have a calling. 140 00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:21,149 I don't know if you're a good lawyer, but you'd make a hell of a pageant coach. 141 00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:23,944 Pageant coaching? That's a thing? 142 00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:26,696 It sure is. And you can make a pretty penny at it too. 143 00:07:26,988 --> 00:07:29,491 I mean, if you need that as a way to sell the idea to your wife. 144 00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:31,910 Oh, I wouldn't know where to start. 145 00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:33,703 Well, honey, that's where I come in. 146 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,581 I've got more clients than I can handle. 147 00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:39,292 And I'm looking for a partner. 148 00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:49,803 Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet my first protégé, Bob Armstrong. 149 00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:53,515 Bob, I'd like you to meet my Bareback Buckaroos. 150 00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:55,308 You are looking well. 151 00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,894 And I see you're still wearing that rug on your head. 152 00:07:58,186 --> 00:07:59,187 - What rug? - Patty, 153 00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:02,857 I would like you to meet Miss Stella Rose Buckley, 154 00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:04,317 my pageant mentor, 155 00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:06,820 and the director of Miss Bareback Buckaroo. 156 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:11,658 Stella Rose, meet my star client, Patricia Bladell. 157 00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:13,326 Hmm. 158 00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:19,332 Well, I never would've known she was a heifer, 159 00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:20,750 except for these. 160 00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:23,837 I'm guessing you're what? Like a Double D? 161 00:08:24,212 --> 00:08:28,216 Oh, uh, hey, sorry. She has aggression problems. 162 00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:31,469 - That's kind of how we met. - It's okay. I like 'em feisty. 163 00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:34,806 - Plus, she's a stunner. - Wait, you approve? 164 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:37,017 You're lucky I quit coaching, Bob. 165 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:39,352 Otherwise, I might try to take her for myself. 166 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,858 Patty, I want you to meet Roxy. 167 00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:47,610 She's gonna be your tour guide through Miss Bareback Buckaroo. 168 00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:52,532 Oh, my God! This is gonna be so much fun. You're a pageant virgin? 169 00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:54,034 - Yeah. - Roxy. 170 00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:58,163 Why don't you take Patty back to the hotel and get her all settled. 171 00:08:58,246 --> 00:08:59,706 The grown-ups need to have a chat. 172 00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,500 Oh. Uh... 173 00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,586 Go on. We'll catch up later. 174 00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:24,981 Choi, I need to borrow your car. It's an emergency. 175 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,316 Uh-huh, totally. 176 00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,610 Are you even listening to me? 177 00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:30,904 Eww. You're sexting? 178 00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,405 No! It's Teen Roulette. 179 00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:36,409 It's an app for meeting people, from the waist down. 180 00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:41,122 So you don't get hung up on superficial things like... faces. 181 00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,042 I found a girl within a one mile radius 182 00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:45,752 - who wants to hook up... - Please stop talking. 183 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,922 Did you say something about borrowing my car? 184 00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:51,382 Yeah, I need to go Alabama to save Patty. 185 00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:53,593 I tried calling her mom, but she's in rehab, so... 186 00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:54,969 What's wrong with Patty? 187 00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:58,598 Her alleged child molester, lawyer, slash, beauty pageant coach 188 00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:00,183 is taking her across state lines. 189 00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:02,685 I'm scared something bad's gonna happen. 190 00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,772 - Long story. - You can tell me on the way. 191 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:08,817 To Alabama? Why would you come? 192 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,277 'Cause I've never been to Alabama. 193 00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:13,738 Or anywhere outside of Georgia. 194 00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:17,450 Plus, maybe if I come to Patty's rescue, she'll actually let me feel her boobs. 195 00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,077 Let's get one thing straight. 196 00:10:19,410 --> 00:10:21,579 If anyone's rescuing Patty, it's me. 197 00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:24,040 - I'm the one who's gonna... - Feel her boobs? 198 00:10:26,042 --> 00:10:28,711 I was gonna say... be her knight in shining armor. 199 00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,134 I get off in half an hour. 200 00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,844 - I'll meet you outside. - Okay. 201 00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:45,979 Okay. So the headlines are, 202 00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:48,106 you used to be fat and your coach is a diddler? 203 00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:50,650 - Alleged diddler. - That's so badass. 204 00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:52,652 Compared to yours, my story sucks. 205 00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:56,781 I got bullied, my mom wanted me to have more self-confidence, 206 00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:59,492 so I tried modeling, but the girls were dumb, 207 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,870 so I got into pageanting. 208 00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:04,455 Wait. You were bullied too? 209 00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:07,417 Well, not anymore. Stella Rose is all about sisterhood. 210 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,334 Oh. 211 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,713 - What? You don't like Stella Rose? - No, I don't know anything about her. 212 00:11:11,796 --> 00:11:15,216 Just that my coach is obsessed with her and he should be paying attention to me. 213 00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:18,887 Oh, you have a crush on him. 214 00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,763 What? No, no, I don't. 215 00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,308 You know, I have some butt-tape in my purse. 216 00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:25,643 When we get up to the room, we'll tape your boobs together, 217 00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:26,936 make 'em look extra perky. 218 00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,855 That'll get his attention for sure. 219 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:30,523 - Ladies. - Thank you. 220 00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:31,524 - Ma'am. - Thank you. 221 00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:33,193 Sorry, you said butt-tape? 222 00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:38,031 Wait up, losers. 223 00:11:38,740 --> 00:11:40,742 - I'm coming with you. - No, you're not. 224 00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:41,910 I am too. 225 00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:44,412 I'm gonna get photos of that child molester in action. 226 00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:46,414 You're not the only one who wants to take him down. 227 00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:49,209 Dixie, please. You know you made that whole molestation thing up. 228 00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:51,169 I did not. My mom did! 229 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,214 I mean, my mom... 230 00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:57,717 She knows that... it really happened. 231 00:11:58,176 --> 00:12:00,887 And even if it didn't, he still might do something else. 232 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:04,057 Wait, if Bob's innocent, why are we going to Alabama? 233 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,059 'Cause I'm not worried about what Bob's going to do, 234 00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,268 I'm worried about Patty. 235 00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:09,103 She has a crush on him. 236 00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:11,356 And when she has a crush, she can get kind of crazy. 237 00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:14,192 If he gets to feel her boobs, I'm gonna be so pissed. 238 00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:16,277 We're taking my car. 239 00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,156 Come on, bitches! 240 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,619 She's referring to you when she says "bitches," by the way. 241 00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:47,600 Hey, thanks for seeing me. 242 00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:50,478 I wasn't sure you would after how things went down. 243 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,146 Oh, it's ancient history. 244 00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:55,900 Besides, I figured you were desperate or else you wouldn't have called me. 245 00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:57,610 I'm not, I'm not desperate. 246 00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:00,822 - Like hell you're not. - Okay, I am desperate. 247 00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:03,992 For redemption, and Patty is my last chance. 248 00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:06,577 But she's also the best chance I've ever had. 249 00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:08,663 - Still the drama queen. - Oh, come on. 250 00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:09,956 Stella Rose. 251 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:14,002 She just won't listen. And I'm afraid if I can't control her, 252 00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:17,630 she's just gonna go off the rails in a way that I'll never get her back. Can you... 253 00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:20,591 just tell me what I'm doing wrong? 254 00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:21,884 Please? 255 00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:26,764 Well, I'll need to watch you coach her. 256 00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:36,107 - Hey, Nonnie. - Hey! 257 00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:37,442 How's it going over there? 258 00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:39,736 Dicey. Bob's totally blowing me off. 259 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,156 - That sucks. - But Roxy gave me butt-tape for my boobs, 260 00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:44,407 and I'm... 261 00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:47,410 - Wait, who's Roxy, and what's butt-tape? - Oh, crap. 262 00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,579 I gotta go. Uh, I'll talk to you later. 263 00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:53,958 Do you know what butt-tape is? 264 00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:56,586 Yeah. You use it to tape your clothes to your butt. 265 00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:57,962 Obviously. 266 00:13:58,087 --> 00:14:00,923 Why on earth would anybody wanna tape their clothes to their butt? 267 00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:03,259 So your shorts don't ride up. Duh! 268 00:14:04,385 --> 00:14:05,470 It's a pageant thing. 269 00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,681 Looks like Patty made a new friend, 270 00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:11,184 who understands pageant stuff. 271 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:12,935 That's good. Right? 272 00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:16,647 Drive faster! 273 00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:23,529 Bob's arrangement was impeccable but it wasn't enough. 274 00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:27,992 For the Junior League ladies to accept me, everything had to be perfect. 275 00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:32,955 Without Bob, I was missing my most important accessory. 276 00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:38,044 Unless he came back. 277 00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:40,963 Surprise! 278 00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:42,965 Brandi Lynne. 279 00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:45,760 - Give your sister some sugar! - Oh, God. 280 00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:48,346 - Okay. Yeah. - I figured we were due for a visit. 281 00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,640 I haven't seen you since Cousin Delilah 282 00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,725 decided to get re-virginized, which was what, 283 00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:55,353 - three years ago? - Well, you should have called first, 284 00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:58,564 because I have a dozen people coming over here for dinner, no kids allowed. 285 00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:01,067 And no embarrassing family members. 286 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,820 - Well, I mean... - Let's go, kids. 287 00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:07,281 Your fancy pants auntie's being a first class bitch. 288 00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:17,291 Drive safe now, and enjoy that open road. 289 00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:21,421 Lord... 290 00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:25,007 This has been happening a lot lately. 291 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,426 It just won't start. 292 00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:30,179 No, no, no. But if you stay, then I'll have to cancel my dinner. 293 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,722 Hunker down, kids. 294 00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:34,308 - Looks like we're staying for a spell. - No, no, no. 295 00:15:36,811 --> 00:15:38,438 I needed to stay focused. 296 00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:42,150 I was about to coach before the coach of coaches. 297 00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:44,902 It wasn't just about what Stella Rose thought of Patty, 298 00:15:44,986 --> 00:15:46,612 it was about what she thought of me. 299 00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:48,197 Where's your client? 300 00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:51,868 Well, she's late. I told you she doesn't follow directions. 301 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:55,037 You better hope she's not looking for a new coach. 302 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:58,124 What... What? Why would you even say that? 303 00:15:58,207 --> 00:16:01,878 Because if I were her, I'd want someone who didn't need any extra help. 304 00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:04,213 It makes you look like you're in over your head. 305 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,966 Hello, I am! That is why I'm here. 306 00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:09,218 - Hi, sorry I'm late. - Oh, my God. 307 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,053 What happened to you? 308 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:13,514 Roxy taped me up. She said it would maximize my assets. 309 00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:16,976 Oh, they are most definitely maximized. 310 00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:20,521 I said skinny is magic, not skanky is magic. 311 00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:22,190 You don't need to shame her, Bob. 312 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,277 C'mon, honey, let's work on that walk. 313 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:27,862 Oh, she is not ready for the walk. 314 00:16:28,279 --> 00:16:29,280 Stella Rose thinks I am. 315 00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:32,241 Stella Rose is not your coach. I am. 316 00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,535 - But you said she was a legend. - Look. 317 00:16:34,619 --> 00:16:36,829 I thought maybe you'd just watch, yeah? 318 00:16:37,163 --> 00:16:38,164 Let me do the coaching. 319 00:16:38,873 --> 00:16:42,043 - I need to see what she can do, right? - Fine. 320 00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:44,086 You think you can do the walk, do it. 321 00:16:49,717 --> 00:16:51,135 This is not gonna be pretty. 322 00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:05,274 Okay, stop stop! 323 00:17:06,108 --> 00:17:09,403 You look like a yeti trying to escape a Nat Geo photographer. 324 00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:11,572 I think it's better 325 00:17:12,114 --> 00:17:13,407 if I show you myself. 326 00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:20,498 Sorry. I've just never seen heels that big. 327 00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:23,668 Not to brag, but I am a ladies size 14. 328 00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:31,801 Okay now, watch and learn. 329 00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:44,355 No, no! 330 00:17:44,438 --> 00:17:48,651 You're still forgetting to squeeze the cheeks and thrust... 331 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:49,694 Hey! Boundaries. 332 00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:51,654 - I'm helping you, Bob. - You are groping me. 333 00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:53,364 Anyone's gonna get groped, it's gonna be me. 334 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,285 I thought I was the one being coached, not you. 335 00:17:58,202 --> 00:17:59,328 This is a waste of time. 336 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:03,207 - Can I talk to you outside, Bob? - Yup. 337 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:06,752 I can see your problem. 338 00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:08,754 Patty doesn't respect you. 339 00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,798 Well, if that is true, you are not helping. 340 00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:12,633 She knows you're vulnerable, Bob. 341 00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:14,135 She can smell your desperation 342 00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:15,845 like that cheap cologne you were wearing when I met you. 343 00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:19,056 That was Paco Rabanne Invictus. That's $40 for the travel size. 344 00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:22,268 - I'm right and you know it. - Well, what do you suggest I do about it? 345 00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:26,439 She's a wild Mustang. Break her. 346 00:18:27,398 --> 00:18:30,693 You've gotta jump on her and wrap your fist in her mane 347 00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:34,071 and ride her like the devil and put her up foamy 348 00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:35,740 - and wet... - Okay, yep. I get it. 349 00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:37,908 And I'll dangle the carrot. 350 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:42,288 - Show her it's all worth it. - You mean like good cop, bad cop? 351 00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:46,375 Mama always did know best. 352 00:18:47,001 --> 00:18:49,670 You need to move all these make-up caboodles to the dressing area. 353 00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:51,130 Two at a time, one in each hand. 354 00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:52,798 I thought we were gonna watch rehearsal. 355 00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:55,217 No, you need to learn to follow directions first. 356 00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:57,428 Why? I'm great at following directions. 357 00:18:57,511 --> 00:18:58,387 Patty! 358 00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:02,141 In the week since I've been your coach, you have almost lit a man on fire, 359 00:19:02,224 --> 00:19:05,603 got alcohol poisoning, and stolen evidence from a police locker. 360 00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:07,938 That might be indicative of a behavior problem. 361 00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:09,357 Anybody could have an off week. 362 00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:13,069 Do as I say, or we're gonna have a problem. 363 00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:15,738 All right, find me when you're done. 364 00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:22,370 Hey. Why aren't you at rehearsal? 365 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,789 Mmm. I got stuck on the phone with my BF, 366 00:19:24,914 --> 00:19:28,334 but it's cool, so Rose and I are tight, she'll give me a pass. 367 00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:30,169 What are you doing? 368 00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:32,963 Oh, Bob said I have to move these. 369 00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:34,465 Well, here, let me help ya. 370 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:38,135 And then, you can watch rehearsal. That's why you came, right? 371 00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:40,721 Why are you being so nice to me? 372 00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:42,348 This is what we do. 373 00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:44,934 A queen always helps another queen fix her crown. 374 00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:46,268 C'mon. 375 00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:54,485 Just show me the last three beats. Come on, this is the big time. Sparkle! 376 00:19:59,281 --> 00:20:01,742 - All done. - Already? How? 377 00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:02,827 I had a little help. 378 00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:04,662 That's what pageants are about, right? Sisterhood? 379 00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:08,165 That is not how I told you to do it. Go back and do it the right way. 380 00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:11,794 Oh, come on Bob. Don't be such a hard ass, this is supposed to be fun. 381 00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:16,298 Good cop! 382 00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:19,009 Being bad cop was one thing, 383 00:20:19,093 --> 00:20:22,596 but Stella Rose making me look incompetent was another thing altogether. 384 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,057 Fine. You came here for a pageant, 385 00:20:27,518 --> 00:20:28,811 let's get you on stage. 386 00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:32,148 Hold it still. 387 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,775 They've gotta light the horse for the opening ceremonies. 388 00:20:34,859 --> 00:20:38,154 - I'm going to fall off. There's no saddle! - That's why it's called Bareback Buckaroo. 389 00:20:38,362 --> 00:20:39,280 No, it's not. 390 00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:43,659 He can sense your fear, darling. Relax. 391 00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:46,662 Squeeze your thighs together and thrust your hips forward. 392 00:20:50,124 --> 00:20:51,792 Oh, God. Oh, God! 393 00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:57,798 Oh, shit. 394 00:21:02,178 --> 00:21:03,387 - Can we leave? - No. 395 00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:16,859 Seriously? You're gonna make her clean it? That's disgusting! 396 00:21:17,026 --> 00:21:19,111 Go on. It's not gonna wipe itself. 397 00:21:19,195 --> 00:21:20,738 What does poop have to do with pageants? 398 00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:22,072 - Yeah. - Mind your own business. 399 00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:24,909 You follow directions. Do as I say. 400 00:21:29,747 --> 00:21:33,375 Not like that. A lady never gets down on her knees. 401 00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,377 Don't! 402 00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:42,885 I do this on my kitchen floors, 403 00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:46,347 and I defy you to look at them without sunglasses. 404 00:21:47,181 --> 00:21:48,891 - Who's pooping in your kitchen? - Hey. 405 00:21:50,059 --> 00:21:51,602 I'll be back in a little while. 406 00:21:51,977 --> 00:21:53,395 Stella, keep an eye on her. 407 00:21:56,565 --> 00:21:59,527 Something didn't smell right, and it wasn't the horse shit. 408 00:21:59,735 --> 00:22:02,363 I had to know. If Stella Rose wasn't helping, 409 00:22:02,696 --> 00:22:04,073 what was she up to? 410 00:22:07,368 --> 00:22:08,744 Oh, holy God. 411 00:22:09,286 --> 00:22:13,249 I'm in the shower for 15 minutes, and you turn my front lawn into a water park? 412 00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:14,917 Come on, Coralee. 413 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,753 You keep clenching that tight, you're gonna pull something. 414 00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:18,963 Okay, I called the mechanic 415 00:22:19,046 --> 00:22:21,340 and it's triple time to do house calls on the weekend, 416 00:22:21,423 --> 00:22:24,510 - so we have to wait till Monday. - Great! We can spend more time together. 417 00:22:24,593 --> 00:22:27,179 Doing what? Baby pool mud wrestling? 418 00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:29,390 Let's go. Last time I promised you double or nothing. 419 00:22:29,473 --> 00:22:32,685 No! There is a reason I left that trailer park. 420 00:22:32,852 --> 00:22:35,271 Because you think you're better than us, you always have. 421 00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:38,148 Everybody else might believe that swanky MILF act, but not me. 422 00:22:38,232 --> 00:22:40,359 - Alright. Are you done? - Hey, Coralee! 423 00:22:40,442 --> 00:22:41,277 Oh, shit. 424 00:22:42,695 --> 00:22:44,697 Well, well, well. 425 00:22:44,864 --> 00:22:46,907 - What have we here? - Shut your pie hole, Brandi Lynne. 426 00:22:46,991 --> 00:22:48,784 Bob, hi! 427 00:22:49,118 --> 00:22:50,369 What are you doing here? 428 00:22:50,452 --> 00:22:53,747 Well, Etta Mae felt awful about you coming down with a cold 429 00:22:53,831 --> 00:22:55,082 and having to cancel your dinner. 430 00:22:55,165 --> 00:22:58,419 So she asked me to drop off some of her world-famous shepherd's pie. 431 00:22:58,502 --> 00:23:01,797 That is just so thoughtful of both y'all. 432 00:23:02,548 --> 00:23:06,385 - And, uh, who might this be? - Uh... a charity case. 433 00:23:06,844 --> 00:23:09,221 We adopted a family from the trailer park, 434 00:23:09,305 --> 00:23:10,973 and they were supposed to come next weekend. 435 00:23:11,056 --> 00:23:13,767 But her brain is so fried from all the meth 436 00:23:13,893 --> 00:23:15,269 that she got the dates wrong. 437 00:23:15,686 --> 00:23:18,022 - She's lying. I'm her... - She also had a stroke, 438 00:23:18,105 --> 00:23:20,816 so most of what she says doesn't make any sense at all. 439 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,444 And now her trailer is on the fritz. 440 00:23:23,527 --> 00:23:28,490 So it looks like she and her crack babies are gonna be with us for a while. 441 00:23:29,033 --> 00:23:31,243 - Well, Bob can't fix it? - He's outta town. 442 00:23:31,744 --> 00:23:35,456 The only time Bob's been under a car is when he was hiding from a grizzly. 443 00:23:35,664 --> 00:23:36,582 You want a beer? 444 00:23:36,665 --> 00:23:38,542 - Oh, bless her heart. - Well, listen... 445 00:23:38,876 --> 00:23:39,710 She's crazy. 446 00:23:39,793 --> 00:23:42,338 I know a little about engines, and I do owe you a favor. 447 00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:43,756 I'm happy to take a look. 448 00:23:43,839 --> 00:23:46,258 That is if you don't mind me peeking under your hood? 449 00:23:46,967 --> 00:23:48,010 Peek away. 450 00:23:48,677 --> 00:23:50,262 You know, she doesn't have a hood. 451 00:23:50,346 --> 00:23:52,389 - That's alright, I'm happy to. - It's okay, you know... 452 00:23:52,806 --> 00:23:53,724 Oh, all right. 453 00:23:57,937 --> 00:24:00,230 Hey, Stella Rose, we're about to head to the spa, so... 454 00:24:00,689 --> 00:24:02,066 Is it that time already? 455 00:24:03,651 --> 00:24:07,071 My goodness, you've been at that a long time. Why don't you take a break? 456 00:24:07,404 --> 00:24:10,616 Come with us. The pageant's paying for all the girls to get treatments. 457 00:24:10,699 --> 00:24:12,868 Yeah, c'mon, it'll be fun! 458 00:24:13,327 --> 00:24:16,497 I need to finish. Bob says I need to learn to follow directions. 459 00:24:16,580 --> 00:24:18,457 Bob needs to learn to back off. 460 00:24:18,540 --> 00:24:21,502 If he's not careful, he's gonna ruin this for you before it even starts. 461 00:24:21,585 --> 00:24:25,130 - He's just looking out for me. - Bob only looks out for himself. 462 00:24:25,589 --> 00:24:27,633 He's a complete and total narcissist. 463 00:24:27,716 --> 00:24:30,094 - Trust me. I know. - Bob's a legend around here, 464 00:24:30,177 --> 00:24:31,261 and not in a good way. 465 00:24:31,345 --> 00:24:34,807 - Stella Rose told us the whole story. - Oh, yeah. 466 00:24:34,890 --> 00:24:38,727 I took him under my wing, taught him everything he knows. And then, 467 00:24:39,186 --> 00:24:41,230 when he thought he had a better deal, 468 00:24:42,523 --> 00:24:45,359 he dropped me like a corn dog without a stick. 469 00:24:46,902 --> 00:24:49,822 Mark my words, he will do the same to you. 470 00:24:50,614 --> 00:24:53,742 - He says he believes in me. - Oh, sure he does! 471 00:24:53,867 --> 00:24:57,413 Do you think he'd be this invested in you if he'd met you when you were fat? 472 00:24:57,830 --> 00:24:59,373 He's an opportunist. 473 00:24:59,957 --> 00:25:03,502 He found someone vulnerable and took advantage. Trust me. 474 00:25:04,044 --> 00:25:05,879 He doesn't care about you, 475 00:25:06,505 --> 00:25:07,381 but I do. 476 00:25:10,050 --> 00:25:13,220 Us girls gotta look out for each other, right? 477 00:25:14,847 --> 00:25:16,724 Dry your tears and you come on to the spa. 478 00:25:18,183 --> 00:25:20,227 And snap went the trap. 479 00:25:20,436 --> 00:25:21,812 Stella Rose wasn't a good cop. 480 00:25:21,895 --> 00:25:24,565 She was a thief trying to steal my client. 481 00:25:24,982 --> 00:25:27,026 I had to do damage control. 482 00:25:29,028 --> 00:25:30,988 Hey ladies! How's it going? 483 00:25:31,071 --> 00:25:33,073 Uh, we're going to the spa, just the girls. 484 00:25:33,490 --> 00:25:37,161 Oh, Patty can't make it. I made lunch reservations for two. 485 00:25:37,494 --> 00:25:38,370 Um... 486 00:25:38,579 --> 00:25:40,581 I think I'd like to hang out with the girls tonight. 487 00:25:40,664 --> 00:25:43,459 Oh, you will, tomorrow. Come on, we don't wanna be late. 488 00:25:49,256 --> 00:25:50,674 I finally had Bob alone, 489 00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:54,011 and now, I wasn't sure that I wanted him. 490 00:25:55,179 --> 00:25:56,305 You okay? 491 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,687 What would have happened if you met me while I was fat? 492 00:26:08,025 --> 00:26:12,071 I'm gonna tell you the truth, because I want you to trust me. 493 00:26:13,072 --> 00:26:14,948 I would've done my best to get you out of jail, 494 00:26:15,032 --> 00:26:16,867 and I would have moved on with my life. 495 00:26:20,746 --> 00:26:21,830 So you are an opportunist. 496 00:26:22,164 --> 00:26:23,624 And you're not? 497 00:26:23,957 --> 00:26:26,835 Did you have any interest in beauty pageants before you met me? 498 00:26:26,919 --> 00:26:28,712 We're the same, Patty. 499 00:26:29,046 --> 00:26:30,881 Perfect mirrors. Perfect partners. 500 00:26:31,632 --> 00:26:33,008 You don't act like we're partners. 501 00:26:33,092 --> 00:26:34,885 You've been dismissing me since we got here. 502 00:26:34,968 --> 00:26:37,221 - Haven't learned a thing about pageants... - Dut-dut-dut-dut! 503 00:26:38,097 --> 00:26:40,682 - Yes, you have. - Name one. 504 00:26:41,850 --> 00:26:44,144 Actions speak louder than words. 505 00:26:44,686 --> 00:26:45,604 Get up and do the walk. 506 00:26:47,564 --> 00:26:48,398 Here? 507 00:26:48,816 --> 00:26:50,859 - I can't do... I can't even... - Yes. 508 00:26:50,943 --> 00:26:52,986 Yes, you can. Trust me. 509 00:27:09,336 --> 00:27:12,256 - I told you I can't. - Try again. 510 00:27:15,342 --> 00:27:16,176 Now, 511 00:27:17,261 --> 00:27:19,471 carry the caboodles like I showed you. 512 00:27:20,180 --> 00:27:21,932 Shoulders back, headlights up. 513 00:27:22,474 --> 00:27:23,851 Show me you can follow direction. 514 00:27:29,106 --> 00:27:30,107 Keep walking. 515 00:27:30,774 --> 00:27:32,317 Now, sit on the horse. 516 00:27:33,026 --> 00:27:34,444 Squeeze those thighs, 517 00:27:34,528 --> 00:27:36,113 push those hips forward. 518 00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:43,871 Good. 519 00:27:44,830 --> 00:27:46,623 Okay, now, wipe the floor. 520 00:27:49,710 --> 00:27:51,712 Slide and glide. 521 00:27:52,671 --> 00:27:53,714 Mm-hmm. 522 00:27:58,177 --> 00:28:02,764 And turn. Carry the caboodles, sit on the horse, wipe the floor. 523 00:28:10,355 --> 00:28:11,815 Oh, my God! 524 00:28:12,608 --> 00:28:15,319 - You're a genius! - Not really. I just Miyagi-ed you. 525 00:28:16,778 --> 00:28:17,654 What's a Miyagi? 526 00:28:19,323 --> 00:28:23,827 It's when you care enough about someone to help them get out of their own way. 527 00:28:30,667 --> 00:28:32,294 - Younger sister. - Hmm? 528 00:28:32,711 --> 00:28:34,004 - Hmm? What? - Hmm? 529 00:28:34,087 --> 00:28:34,922 Hmm. 530 00:28:36,131 --> 00:28:38,759 This weekend was better than I had ever imagined. 531 00:28:38,926 --> 00:28:40,052 I had a new friend, 532 00:28:40,135 --> 00:28:42,804 and after our lunch, I felt closer to Bob than ever. 533 00:28:43,764 --> 00:28:46,391 I wasn't... Hang on. 534 00:28:49,102 --> 00:28:51,104 I wasn't a pageant virgin anymore. 535 00:28:51,521 --> 00:28:53,774 It was time to swipe the other v-card. 536 00:28:54,775 --> 00:28:56,902 I was just grateful I'd come prepared. 537 00:29:05,869 --> 00:29:06,703 Floor it. 538 00:29:09,289 --> 00:29:10,624 Why are you stopping? 539 00:29:10,707 --> 00:29:12,125 Urgent business. 540 00:29:13,710 --> 00:29:16,713 Oh, my God! Are you taking a picture of your hoo-ha? 541 00:29:16,797 --> 00:29:20,008 Gross! Why would anybody wanna see a pic of your shenanigans? 542 00:29:22,970 --> 00:29:24,680 You're Napoleon Bone Your Parts? 543 00:29:24,763 --> 00:29:25,973 You're Pacific Rim Job? 544 00:29:26,056 --> 00:29:28,642 - I'm gonna puke like four times. - I'm shocked. 545 00:29:28,725 --> 00:29:30,310 You're too hot to be on Teen Roulette. 546 00:29:30,394 --> 00:29:31,228 Really? 547 00:29:32,312 --> 00:29:34,940 None of the guys at school will date me. They think I'm stuck up. 548 00:29:35,023 --> 00:29:36,775 No, they think you're mean. 549 00:29:37,359 --> 00:29:40,153 I, on the other hand, do better when no one sees my face. 550 00:29:40,696 --> 00:29:41,697 I like your face. 551 00:29:42,531 --> 00:29:43,991 Well, I like your dong. 552 00:29:44,074 --> 00:29:46,493 - That wasn't my dong. - Why would you use a bogus dong? 553 00:29:46,576 --> 00:29:48,495 'Cause the Internet is forever. 554 00:29:49,329 --> 00:29:52,416 - It is? - Get in the back, I'm driving. 555 00:29:52,958 --> 00:29:54,251 Chinese fire drill. 556 00:29:54,376 --> 00:29:56,253 I don't think you're supposed to say that. 557 00:29:56,336 --> 00:29:57,838 Sorry, Donald Choi! 558 00:30:05,304 --> 00:30:06,263 Knock-knock. 559 00:30:12,352 --> 00:30:13,228 Bob. 560 00:30:14,521 --> 00:30:15,772 What a surprise. 561 00:30:16,148 --> 00:30:18,442 How long were you planning on stealing Patty? 562 00:30:18,942 --> 00:30:22,321 - Well, how long did you think? - Is that what this is about? Revenge? 563 00:30:23,030 --> 00:30:25,866 Do you have any idea how much it hurt when you left? 564 00:30:25,991 --> 00:30:27,367 C'mon, Stella Rose. 565 00:30:27,451 --> 00:30:29,244 I gave up on men completely. 566 00:30:29,745 --> 00:30:31,038 I even tried women. 567 00:30:32,122 --> 00:30:35,250 But not even a 30-year-old with PMS and bipolar disorder 568 00:30:35,334 --> 00:30:37,711 could replace the drama you stole from me! 569 00:30:37,794 --> 00:30:40,839 - You said it was ancient history! - For you! 570 00:30:41,548 --> 00:30:42,549 You moved on. 571 00:30:43,508 --> 00:30:44,843 From me! 572 00:30:45,344 --> 00:30:47,346 From the best sex you ever had. 573 00:30:49,097 --> 00:30:50,766 - And for what? - For Coralee. 574 00:30:51,475 --> 00:30:53,977 - For my wife. - She doesn't appreciate you. 575 00:30:54,061 --> 00:30:57,773 I'm the only one who ever encouraged you to embrace your true gifts. 576 00:30:57,939 --> 00:30:59,691 I'll never understand what you see in her. 577 00:30:59,775 --> 00:31:00,942 She is my soul mate. 578 00:31:01,026 --> 00:31:02,903 She's trash. 579 00:31:05,989 --> 00:31:07,115 Is that all you got? 580 00:31:15,791 --> 00:31:17,250 Oh, God, I missed us. 581 00:31:17,376 --> 00:31:20,003 Oh, Bob, we're still great together. 582 00:31:20,212 --> 00:31:22,923 Good cop, bad cop. 583 00:31:23,256 --> 00:31:24,549 Mama knows best. 584 00:31:28,387 --> 00:31:29,721 Stella Rose, stop! 585 00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:31,515 Stop. 586 00:31:49,991 --> 00:31:52,786 And I thought Patty was crazy. 587 00:31:55,664 --> 00:31:57,666 - Hey, partner. - Argh! Oh, Patty. 588 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,878 - What in the hell? - Don't you wanna see my Miyagi? 589 00:32:01,962 --> 00:32:04,047 Absolutely not! 590 00:32:04,214 --> 00:32:07,634 - Wait, but... Wait, Bob... - Get out! 591 00:32:09,344 --> 00:32:11,138 Wait, wait... 592 00:32:17,561 --> 00:32:19,062 I was such an idiot. 593 00:32:19,563 --> 00:32:23,150 Thinking that Bob was starting to see me as his perfect partner. 594 00:32:24,568 --> 00:32:26,069 He was right about one thing. 595 00:32:26,278 --> 00:32:27,529 I had to get out. 596 00:32:45,630 --> 00:32:47,632 This is better than pay-per-view porn. 597 00:32:48,341 --> 00:32:50,177 Keep it in your head, stroke-y. 598 00:32:50,510 --> 00:32:51,470 All I'm saying is, 599 00:32:51,553 --> 00:32:53,680 he'd look a hell of a lot better on your arm 600 00:32:53,763 --> 00:32:55,682 than that sissy nuts husband of yours. 601 00:32:55,765 --> 00:32:58,477 And I know how much you care about appearances. 602 00:32:59,019 --> 00:33:02,063 Ladies, I think I figured it out. 603 00:33:02,939 --> 00:33:06,067 Broken radiator hose. Upper and lower. 604 00:33:06,485 --> 00:33:08,320 It's expensive right? 605 00:33:08,695 --> 00:33:11,364 Well, it looks like it was deliberately cut. 606 00:33:11,823 --> 00:33:13,575 Anyone wanna harm you, Brandi Lynne? 607 00:33:13,700 --> 00:33:15,827 You mean besides me right now? 608 00:33:16,495 --> 00:33:19,498 I should've known you were up to something when you showed up out of the blue. 609 00:33:19,581 --> 00:33:22,584 You don't wanna spend time together, you just wanna spend my money! 610 00:33:22,667 --> 00:33:23,752 I'm short on rent. 611 00:33:23,835 --> 00:33:26,171 Quit playing online poker, Brandi Lynne. 612 00:33:26,630 --> 00:33:29,925 I mean, what'd you do? Just rode up and cut the radiator hose 613 00:33:30,008 --> 00:33:32,177 - right before you rang my doorbell? - No. 614 00:33:33,011 --> 00:33:35,680 I looked in the window and made sure you were home first. 615 00:33:35,764 --> 00:33:36,640 Ugh. 616 00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:38,767 You hillbilly whore! 617 00:33:38,850 --> 00:33:40,435 How dare you come over here... 618 00:33:40,519 --> 00:33:42,395 - Get off me! - ...and try to milk your sister for money! 619 00:33:43,772 --> 00:33:45,482 You wanna suck on a teet? C'mere! 620 00:33:45,690 --> 00:33:48,026 Ow! Mother... balls! 621 00:33:48,109 --> 00:33:49,444 Alright, stop! 622 00:33:49,528 --> 00:33:51,404 Stop right now! Get off of me! 623 00:33:53,657 --> 00:33:57,327 You have ten minutes to pack your things. I am calling you a tow truck, 624 00:33:57,410 --> 00:33:59,204 and I'm putting it on your tab. 625 00:33:59,621 --> 00:34:00,997 You crazy bitch! 626 00:34:02,415 --> 00:34:03,583 Crazy bitch! 627 00:34:06,419 --> 00:34:08,088 - Hi. - Wow. 628 00:34:09,464 --> 00:34:10,423 That's your sister? 629 00:34:10,507 --> 00:34:11,383 Uh... 630 00:34:12,717 --> 00:34:14,886 Yeah, I'm sorry I lied before. I just... 631 00:34:16,596 --> 00:34:18,098 I didn't want you to think less of me. 632 00:34:18,181 --> 00:34:20,684 Ah, you kidding me? I'm hell impressed. 633 00:34:20,767 --> 00:34:23,353 You are so good at playing a socialite. 634 00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:26,314 No one would ever know that underneath it all, you're still... 635 00:34:26,606 --> 00:34:28,525 - Um... - Trailer trash? 636 00:34:29,276 --> 00:34:30,735 Hey, I would never say that. 637 00:34:33,488 --> 00:34:34,489 You just did. 638 00:34:41,121 --> 00:34:43,832 What do you think? Not bad for trailer trash, huh? 639 00:34:44,332 --> 00:34:47,043 Don't you ever say that about yourself. 640 00:34:48,295 --> 00:34:50,505 Come here, take a look. 641 00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:54,968 How do you feel? 642 00:34:57,387 --> 00:34:59,889 Like the very best version of me. 643 00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:07,188 Did Captain Handsome just call us trailer trash? 644 00:35:08,523 --> 00:35:11,484 Pretty much. And for the record, my Bob would never do that. 645 00:35:12,235 --> 00:35:14,696 So don't you ever talk about his sissy nuts again. 646 00:35:15,488 --> 00:35:16,323 I'm sorry. 647 00:35:19,409 --> 00:35:23,121 For the first time, I had to wonder if Coralee was right about Patty. 648 00:35:23,204 --> 00:35:25,290 Maybe there was something wrong with her. 649 00:35:28,168 --> 00:35:31,796 Then again, it was just a crush. And honestly, who could blame her? 650 00:35:32,881 --> 00:35:36,801 I just needed to give her some space, and it would all blow over. 651 00:35:38,136 --> 00:35:41,973 Unless... I had just sent her running back to the enemy! 652 00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:52,776 Patty! What are you doing? 653 00:35:52,942 --> 00:35:56,029 I'm going to Big Daddy's with Roxy and Stella Rose. 654 00:35:56,529 --> 00:35:57,864 At least they care about me. 655 00:35:58,239 --> 00:35:59,199 I care about you. 656 00:35:59,282 --> 00:36:02,077 Stella Rose says you only care about yourself, and you're a narcissist. 657 00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:04,412 She's lying! She's just trying to get back at me. 658 00:36:04,496 --> 00:36:06,206 See? You're making it all about you. 659 00:36:06,289 --> 00:36:07,624 No, I... 660 00:36:08,667 --> 00:36:10,210 Patty! Patty! 661 00:36:10,293 --> 00:36:11,294 Oh... 662 00:36:19,386 --> 00:36:20,553 Whoo! 663 00:36:20,637 --> 00:36:24,182 To Patty! You finally got rid of that loser coach. 664 00:36:24,391 --> 00:36:27,435 Congratulations. You just lost an extra 180 pounds. 665 00:36:29,270 --> 00:36:31,940 Yeah, but now I don't have a coach. 666 00:36:32,107 --> 00:36:33,608 I don't know anything about this stuff. 667 00:36:35,193 --> 00:36:36,403 I could be your coach. 668 00:36:37,278 --> 00:36:39,948 I'd be happy to get back in the game for someone like you. 669 00:36:44,327 --> 00:36:46,788 Do you promise that you're not using me to get back at Bob? 670 00:36:47,330 --> 00:36:49,582 Cross my heart, sweetheart. Has nothing to do with him. 671 00:36:49,666 --> 00:36:50,834 Smile like a winner! 672 00:36:57,006 --> 00:36:59,092 Girl, we gotta get you some denim and a cowboy hat. 673 00:37:00,176 --> 00:37:01,010 Yeah. 674 00:37:01,469 --> 00:37:03,680 Should we get some shots, guys? What do y'all say? 675 00:37:03,763 --> 00:37:05,014 Gotta go to the ladies room. 676 00:37:05,515 --> 00:37:07,517 Y'all take care of my girl while I'm gone. 677 00:37:08,852 --> 00:37:10,103 Will do. 678 00:37:18,486 --> 00:37:20,864 Suck it, Stella Rose! 679 00:37:23,783 --> 00:37:26,286 Oh, yay, drinks! 680 00:37:28,329 --> 00:37:29,414 Here you go. 681 00:37:34,836 --> 00:37:38,173 If Stella Rose's interest in me had nothing to do with Bob, 682 00:37:38,381 --> 00:37:40,216 then why did she send that picture? 683 00:37:41,926 --> 00:37:43,595 They had both played me. 684 00:37:44,053 --> 00:37:46,222 Which meant neither one of them cared. 685 00:37:52,270 --> 00:37:53,855 Was Roxy in on it too? 686 00:37:54,939 --> 00:37:56,065 Was it all a lie? 687 00:37:56,149 --> 00:37:57,025 Alright, y'all. 688 00:37:57,150 --> 00:38:00,653 Last call for the All You can Eat Crawfish Eating Competition. 689 00:38:00,779 --> 00:38:02,655 Let's go! 690 00:38:02,739 --> 00:38:06,117 I needed a safe place. Somewhere I felt comfortable. 691 00:38:06,451 --> 00:38:09,037 - Where you going? - To eat a shit ton of crawfish. 692 00:38:10,455 --> 00:38:13,458 Three, two, one, eat! 693 00:38:20,089 --> 00:38:23,051 Patty, my girls don't eat competitively. 694 00:38:23,134 --> 00:38:24,552 Good thing I'm not your girl then, huh? 695 00:38:24,636 --> 00:38:27,305 Oh, my God, she's disgusting! 696 00:38:27,597 --> 00:38:28,681 She'll make me look amazing. 697 00:38:35,522 --> 00:38:36,439 Good luck, honey. 698 00:38:43,196 --> 00:38:44,948 Oh, my God, you guys, I found Patty. 699 00:38:45,198 --> 00:38:46,616 She's blowing up on ShenaniCam. 700 00:38:47,283 --> 00:38:50,245 No, seriously, she's literally blowing up on ShenaniCam. 701 00:38:52,914 --> 00:38:54,123 Oh... 702 00:38:55,124 --> 00:38:56,584 Ow. What's that hard thing? 703 00:38:57,710 --> 00:38:59,879 - Gross. - You mean this? 704 00:39:00,463 --> 00:39:02,090 Don't worry, it's legal. 705 00:39:02,340 --> 00:39:05,009 I have a conceal and carry license. 706 00:39:05,677 --> 00:39:08,888 That... is so hot. 707 00:39:24,112 --> 00:39:25,113 Is it loaded? 708 00:39:31,369 --> 00:39:33,913 It was such a relief to stuff my face. 709 00:39:34,414 --> 00:39:36,416 I didn't have to think about pageants, 710 00:39:36,708 --> 00:39:39,002 or Stella Rose, or Bob. 711 00:39:40,712 --> 00:39:41,629 Patty, stop. 712 00:39:42,839 --> 00:39:45,466 Why? I thought you wanted me to be a winner. 713 00:39:45,550 --> 00:39:47,093 Unless you're just worried about me getting fat. 714 00:39:49,846 --> 00:39:52,599 - Sorry sir, contestants only. - Better get me a bib then. 715 00:39:52,682 --> 00:39:53,516 Alright. 716 00:39:54,100 --> 00:39:56,185 - What are you doing? - Making sure you listen. 717 00:39:56,561 --> 00:39:57,729 We both know where this leads. 718 00:39:57,812 --> 00:40:00,565 It starts with some crawfish, but then you feel guilty, 719 00:40:00,773 --> 00:40:02,901 so you eat a box of donuts to make yourself feel better. 720 00:40:02,984 --> 00:40:05,778 The next thing you know, you're at the drive-thru five times a day, 721 00:40:05,862 --> 00:40:08,072 eating a whole stick of butter in the dark. 722 00:40:08,156 --> 00:40:10,742 - Wow, you did that? - We are the same, Patty. 723 00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:13,328 That is why I wanna coach you. 724 00:40:13,828 --> 00:40:16,706 You're the only person I've ever met who's just as hungry as me. 725 00:40:19,959 --> 00:40:22,795 Prove it. Actions speak louder than words. 726 00:40:23,546 --> 00:40:25,757 Show me that you can win this thing and I'll trust you. 727 00:40:26,507 --> 00:40:29,302 Volume eating is a slippery slope for both of us. 728 00:40:30,929 --> 00:40:32,639 I'm willing to risk it all for you. 729 00:40:33,389 --> 00:40:35,475 Show me you're willing to risk it all for me too. 730 00:40:37,977 --> 00:40:41,439 I do this, and you actually start listening to me. 731 00:40:43,358 --> 00:40:45,193 Somebody bring me some crawfish! 732 00:40:51,824 --> 00:40:53,201 Whoo! 733 00:41:47,171 --> 00:41:48,506 Winner! 734 00:41:52,093 --> 00:41:52,927 I knew it. 735 00:41:54,512 --> 00:41:55,513 We are soul mates. 736 00:41:55,596 --> 00:41:57,015 I think I need to throw up. 737 00:41:58,057 --> 00:41:58,933 Citizen's arrest! 738 00:41:59,017 --> 00:42:00,018 - Dixie, wait! - Gun! 739 00:42:02,562 --> 00:42:04,939 Stop right there, you... 740 00:42:11,571 --> 00:42:14,157 You, me, outside, now. 741 00:42:18,786 --> 00:42:22,582 Did you really think Patty was ever gonna leave me for you? 742 00:42:22,665 --> 00:42:25,418 No. I know how young women react to you. 743 00:42:26,252 --> 00:42:27,336 I used to be one. 744 00:42:27,420 --> 00:42:30,590 If you weren't trying to steal Patty, then what were you up to? 745 00:42:30,673 --> 00:42:32,508 I thought this was all about revenge. 746 00:42:32,592 --> 00:42:35,553 Oh, it was. Just not how you think. 747 00:42:36,304 --> 00:42:39,348 You thought you were coming down here so I'd help you get an edge. 748 00:42:40,141 --> 00:42:44,562 You gave me the edge, because now I've seen all Patty's weaknesses, 749 00:42:44,729 --> 00:42:45,646 and yours. 750 00:42:46,439 --> 00:42:48,608 You're the only competition I've ever been worried about. 751 00:42:49,233 --> 00:42:50,109 And now, 752 00:42:51,027 --> 00:42:53,112 I know exactly how to beat you. 753 00:42:53,571 --> 00:42:56,949 Beat me? I thought you weren't coaching anymore. 754 00:42:57,033 --> 00:42:59,285 Oh, I am getting back into coaching, 755 00:42:59,660 --> 00:43:00,870 just not with your girl. 756 00:43:01,621 --> 00:43:03,081 Remember Roxy? 757 00:43:03,915 --> 00:43:07,418 I'm gonna to take her all the way to Miss American Lady. 758 00:43:08,169 --> 00:43:10,213 We're gonna ruin you, baby. 759 00:43:20,014 --> 00:43:21,599 I know you're in love with Bob. 760 00:43:23,684 --> 00:43:25,978 - What? No, I'm not... - I know. 761 00:43:26,145 --> 00:43:27,647 Because I was too. 762 00:43:29,232 --> 00:43:31,234 We had an affair 20 years ago. 763 00:43:32,068 --> 00:43:33,444 He gave me this necklace. 764 00:43:34,904 --> 00:43:36,280 Now I'm giving it to you. 765 00:43:38,491 --> 00:43:39,700 You know what to do. 766 00:43:42,078 --> 00:43:44,080 It was like manna from heaven. 767 00:43:44,705 --> 00:43:47,458 Stella Rose wasn't my competition. 768 00:43:48,376 --> 00:43:50,044 She was my ammunition. 769 00:43:50,753 --> 00:43:54,924 To break up Bob's marriage, and have him all to myself.