It was the first day of senior year,
and I woke up still drunk.
The night before was mostly a blur.
That is, after I emptied out the entire minibar.
If I had any chance of making it through the day,
I needed something to soak up the booze.
"Went to Atlanta for AA retreat.
Unreachable for four days. Call if you need me. Smiley face, Mom.
First day of school.
Good job, Mom.
But, with no mom, I could ditch.
If I was gonna be a beauty queen, only one teacher mattered.
I thought Magnolia wanted me to coach her.
I had no idea she wanted to seduce me.
Well, you never should have put yourself in that position.
No grown man should have to jump out of a teenage girl's window.
We should tell her parents.
If it were our daughter, I'd want to know.
Are you insane? You're an accused child molester.
Plus, If you tell the Barnards,
Etta Mae will never sponsor me for Junior League.
Heaven forbid.
Please, Bob, no more coaching. Okay?
Just focus on your legal career with clients who are over 18.
That blonde girl was a catastrophe.
Showing up at our gala looking like a whore.
We are still working on Patty's look.
No, we are not.
Leave it alone.
Except I couldn't.
Patty was my chance to get my pageant coaching mojo back.
I'd just have to keep things on the down low.
I'm here. I'm ready for you to make me a winner.
And I brought donuts, breakfast of champions.
- Jesus, what happened to you? - Nothing.
Uh... I'm a little hungover.
You... were drinking?
Today is your first day of school. You need to be fresh, alert.
I'm not going. Beauty queens don't need school.
Okay. When is the last time you heard of a beauty queen
slash high school dropout slash blackout drunk?
Does your mom know you're here?
She's out of town, so I guess you're in charge of me now.
Can I call you daddy?
Absolutely not.
What is that?
Makeup caboodle.
Let's get you cleaned up and I'll take you to school.
No. I haven't even eaten anything yet.
Hey, give that back. I'm starving.
Good.
Maybe your body will start eating itself.
I'm not ever going back there again.
You want to talk about it?
Dear Blob Armstrong, you're fat!
Wow.
You were fat.
Until I wasn't.
It gets better. I promise.
Trust me, skinny is magic.
You are not Fatty Patty anymore.
So who am I, then?
Whoever you wanna be.
Today is the day we write your pageant narrative,
the story that you will tell on the pageant stage.
Who you are and why they should pick you.
You can be the former fatty turned class president,
or cheerleader, or homecoming queen.
You are a blank slate.
So, let's make you a pretty picture.
Uh-oh.
I feel a makeover coming on.
Maybe Bob was right.
I could write a whole new story.
I felt like Cinderella,
and there was my Prince Charming, Brick Armstrong.
Maybe my pageant narrative could be like a fairy tale,
where the vengeful maiden rejects the hero, like he did to me.
Brick.
Hey, babe.
Patty.
So much for revenge.
You guys know each other?
That's Patty Bladell.
No way. Uh, Fatty Patty's huge.
Just because you're skinny now
doesn't mean you can steal someone else's boyfriend.
Got it?
Oh, my God, that was sick.
Magnolia Barnard was just totally threatened by you.
Oh, this is like every great high school movie ever made.
Geek turned chic. Mm-hmm?
Is this the part where you dump me for better friends
and start sleeping with all the hot guys?
Or girls?
No, we are definitely not in that movie.
Good.
So, now... I am your boyfriend?
'Cause last night, you said you weren't sure.
I'm not, but until I decide,
I'm not letting you flirt with some other girl.
So, no other girls, got it.
Brick, is there someone else?
No way.
I love you.
Okay, that is literally the first time you've ever said that to me.
- Why'd it take you so long? - I don't know.
Maybe I was scared.
I haven't said that to anyone before, except for my mom.
For the first time in my life, I was pure potential.
The world was my oyster.
I could be the former fatty who turned into a brain.
Or an athlete.
Or a basket case.
Or a princess.
Or a criminal.
Well, obviously, not a criminal.
We're discussing today's news.
Mm-hmm?
Some guy almost died in a fire at the Halfway Inn.
What hotel?
The one by the freeway. Halfway Inn.
Guy's in, like, critical condition.
Oh, my God. Was I criminal?
Could it be possible that I am becoming a killer?
We need to go to the bathroom. Together.
- Together. - Together.
I was at that motel last night, with the homeless guy.
Thank God you missed the fire.
Totally.
- Unless I didn't. - What are you talking about?
You know how I was gonna bang him,
and then, I didn't, so I still wanted revenge?
Patty, what did you do?
I may have briefly considered lighting him on fire.
Patty, are you insane?
I don't know.
I cleaned out the minibar, I watched Firestarter. The rest is a blur.
Wait, you watched Firestarter without me?
I can't believe you.
Nonnie!
What if I got drunk and set the guy on fire?
What if he dies?
Okay, okay. Let's think about this logically.
There's someone in critical condition,
but we don't know if it's your homeless guy.
Yeah, totally.
You... You really think that it could be just a coincidence?
That I thought about lighting a guy on fire,
and then a different guy was in a fire
at the motel where I thought about lighting a guy on fire,
but it was a different guy and a different fire?
It's possible.
- Yeah. - I'll ditch,
go to the hospital, and find out.
You should stay here.
My dad says the easiest way to catch a murderer is to see
who comes to visit the victim.
- I'm a murderer? - Only if he dies.
Nonnie, what am I supposed to do? Just wait around?
Go to class. Blend.
Pretend you're a normal teenager. Who knows, you actually might be.
I'll text you later.
Bob, hi.
I didn't expect to see you at home. I came to see Etta Mae.
Etta Mae's out of town.
Another surgery. Separating conjoined twins.
You must be so proud.
If I only had the time.
Look, I'm already an hour late for work, and I'm out of fresh shirts.
Oh, well, I could press a shirt for you. I could straighten up the house, too.
Now, why on God's green earth would you do that?
Well, it's the neighborly thing to do,
and I'm sure Etta Mae would appreciate knowing that you are well cared for.
Well, well, that's awfully nice of you. Come on in.
Just don't judge, okay? The house is a mess.
I was anxious.
Stressed. Paralyzed with fear.
Sure, I was scared I might be a murdering arsonist,
but that was nothing compared to facing a high school cafeteria.
Nonnie told me to blend in.
Be inconspicuous.
I was used to being invisible.
I needed to find a place to hide out.
A group of kids nobody cared about, but not with those sadists from the band.
Oh!
Maybe the stoners.
Maybe this time they'd be too baked to even notice me.
Watch it, Patty.
Sorry.
You know what rhymes with Patty? Fatty. Fatty Patty!
I wasn't Fatty Patty anymore.
I needed to find a place where the new me fit in.
Yes, you, come here.
For the first time in my life, could I actually be popular?
I couldn't go to jail. I finally get to sit at the cool table.
So are you new?
Uh, definitely on the outside.
Welcome to Masonville.
Hey, Alicia, have you met, um...
I'm sorry, who are you?
I don't know.
Excuse me.
Maybe everybody else had forgotten about Fatty Patty,
but I couldn't let her go.
So, I have to go.
- I just got called in on a case. - Ah.
A personal favor.
Okay.
So should I lock up when I leave, then, or what?
- Yeah, sounds good. - Okay.
If you need me to return the favor, don't hesitate to ask.
- Oh. - Thanks, Coralee, you're a real peach.
Ah.
Uh...
- Have a good one. - All right.
Regina?
- Hi. - Hi.
I'm here with Masonville High's Caring for a Cause Alliance,
and we heard there was a guy in a fire who's in the ICU.
- I brought him a little something. - Yeah, straight ahead. Room 102.
Thank you.
Nonnie?
Dad.
Everything okay? Why aren't you in school?
Yeah, I'm just here doing research for an assignment.
- You? - Official police business.
There was a fire, and it's looking like arson.
Arson?
There's a guy who got caught in it. Bad liver, weak heart.
With that smoke inhalation, he could die,
which would make this a homicide.
My first ever.
Awesome, right?
Not for the dead guy.
Oh, yeah, no, no. No, no, of course. Uh...
You gotta admit, I mean, it's pretty cool.
- Nothing ever happens in this town. - So, do you guys have any suspects?
Not officially. He was with a girl. Night clerk saw them check in together.
- Do you have a description of her? - Sorry.
Can't say any more without compromising the investigation.
So, I'm new. Are you?
Uh...
No.
Why are you sitting alone? You steal somebody's boyfriend?
Girlfriend?
- Why did you think that I would... - 'Cause I know how things work.
If a girl as hot as you is sitting alone,
she's new or a social pariah.
Did the hottest guy I've ever seen besides Brick Armstrong just call me hot?
So what happened? Did you, like, light someone on fire or something?
I'm Christian.
That's my name and my religion, which is super annoying and on the nose,
but... my dad's a preacher
and a missionary,
hence I've been to five different high schools.
This is the part where you tell me your name.
And your backstory.
I'm Patty.
No backstory.
I like a woman of mystery.
I'd never been a woman of mystery in my life,
but I wasn't about to tell him that.
Why do you need to get a lawyer?
You are so fucked.
Ooh, is this one of those afternoon delight kinda visits?
In the bad way.
Regina had you followed.
Where in the hell did you get these?
You better tell Barnard the truth and get out in front of it.
I wanted to do that this morning.
You made me promise not to.
It's too late. If I tell him now, it's gonna seem like I'm covering.
We gotta figure out another way.
Well, you need to figure it out.
I'm not the one who can't stay away from teenage girls.
Oh.
I should probably pick that up. It could be an emergency.
About what?
Her first day of school. She was really scared.
And how do you know that?
Because... I saw her this morning. I gave her a makeover.
My God, Bob! You are pathological.
Please, please, no more Patty, okay? There is something off about that girl.
I am telling you, you are wrong.
Hello?
I think I may have killed someone.
I gotta go.
My life just started.
I... I don't want it to be over already.
I'm a horrible person.
You're not.
I wanted to hurt him.
I had to do something. She was ruining my $1,500 jacket.
- Listen to me, Patty. - Mm-hmm?
Having a murderous thought is not the same as having murderous intent.
That is not who you are.
How do you know?
Because I see you. Because I see what's really in your heart.
I saw it first.
We are gonna prove you didn't do this, together.
All of us.
You, we've got to jog your memory, hmm?
I need you to go back
and mentally retrace your steps from last night.
Maybe you can fill in the blanks,
remember something that'll let you off the hook.
But stay away from the motel, hmm?
And stay out of trouble.
Got it?
You sure about this?
Yes. Bob said to reenact the events of last night.
- I thought he said "mentally retrace"? - Uh-uh-uh.
Trust me, my dad's a cop. Anything could trigger a memory.
I'll be the homeless guy.
So, did you guys kiss? Because maybe we should.
No, we didn't kiss.
Well, was he on top of you or...?
I'm telling you, the last thing I remember was Firestarter.
And the vodka. Then, it went black.
Okay, first of all, I can't even with Firestarter. It hurts too much.
Sorry.
What were you wearing last night?
You know what I was wearing. Those.
Aha. A clue.
Cheetos?
- I never eat Cheetos. - Oh, yeah?
Let me see your hands.
What?
I knew it. Orange residue.
I don't think that that...
Yep, Cheetos for sure.
You must have been hungry and gone out for a snack.
The Booze 'N Stuff is right by that motel.
We should go over there. Find out who was working.
See if you said anything about what you did.
Oh, my God, you're pretty good at this.
- You should be a cop like your dad. - I don't know, that's kinda dykey.
I needed Patty to be innocent.
Without her, my coaching career would be nothing but a distant memory.
But as her lawyer, I needed to assume the worst.
What I didn't need was Bob Box o' Butt Plugs Barnard
and his giant ego getting in my way.
Since when does a DA get involved in an active investigation?
'Cause I knew the victim. He was a witness in a case I had.
- I know. I was opposing counsel. - You were?
You really shouldn't be here. This is a probable crime scene.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get to work.
Bob, seriously?
It's wall-to-wall soot in there.
I wouldn't wanna soil my shirt.
Especially after your wife was kind enough to iron it for me.
She what?
Yeah, Etta Mae's outta town. So, Coralee helped me out.
She didn't tell you?
I'm not sure which was worse.
The thought of my wife ironing a shirt for Bob Bulging-Bicep Barnard
or the fact that the only way to get anything out of Barnard
was to suck up to his ego.
I'd rather light myself on fire.
Listen, Bob.
I don't have any experience with arson,
and I... I was hoping you could bend the rules
so I could learn from a real professional.
Well, heck, when you put it like that.
What good is it being the top law enforcement officer in four counties
if you can't throw a bone to your old pal and courtroom adversary, huh?
You're a peach.
Don't touch anything.
You don't remember anything?
No. I was totally shit-faced.
Was she acting weird, like she did something bad?
She was bad, for sure.
Okay, so I came in and I bought Cheetos, right?
Flamin' hot.
Did she smell like smoke, like from a fire?
No, but she was definitely... smokin'.
- Tell me what happened. - You showed me your titties.
What?
I reminded you that you still owed me for lying for you in court.
- So, you showed me your... - Did we hook up?
No. I thought we were going to,
but you got kinda mad when I asked why you weren't wearing a bra.
- I wasn't wearing a bra? - Where was your bra?
FYI, my sister says going braless is bad for your back.
Shut up, Choi.
I must have left my bra in the bathroom.
I thought you guys didn't hook up.
I went there to seduce him, remember? So, I had to free up some assets.
Wow.
The old Patty wouldn't even change her shirt in front of me.
Now you're getting motorboated by homeless guys
and hooking up with Donald Choi.
Who said anything about motorboating?
If the police took my bra into evidence, they can place me at the crime scene.
Mm. Only with DNA.
- So, unless you have nipple hair. - Who has nipple hair?
Definitely not me.
I'm gonna spend my life in prison.
And then, I'll never see Bob again, and I'll never be a beauty queen,
and I'll never be able to talk to that hot guy from school.
Who, Brick?
No, this new guy. His name's Christian. He's the hottest guy I've ever seen.
And he called me hot.
You are hot.
Not after prison, I won't be.
I'm gonna have shiv scars and tattoos and PTSD.
Okay, calm down.
We'll just go and get your bra back.
I know the evidence clerk, Mrs. Freyberger.
My dad used to have her watch me when I was little.
I'll distract her, and you can go get the bra.
Oh, my God, amazing.
These were just taken on a hunting trip I took to Alaska.
That bear counts as a double kill 'cause it was preggers when I drilled it.
Unfortunately,
- you can't wall mount a bear fetus. - Mm-hmm.
Oh! Look at that.
I wanted to be a winner.
Not a flasher, a thief, and potentially a murderer.
At this point, I didn't know who or what I was.
If I were a bra, where would I be?
All right, here's what we know.
The victim did not check in alone.
He was with a young blonde woman. 36DD.
You know the cup size?
We found her bra in the bathroom. She's the number one suspect.
- For what? - Arson, Bob, keep up.
Now, the battery was removed from the smoke detector.
That means there was intent.
Now, Captain Murray determined the fire was started by a match
dropped onto the bed, which was doused with vodka.
And our victim was found unconscious in the bathroom.
Probably ran over here to avoid getting burned.
Banged his head.
Every detail matched Patty's story, except for the blood.
It was like watching a horror movie,
and wondering if your protégé was Freddy Krueger.
If I had any chance at redemption,
Patty was gonna need an alibi as solid as the abs on Bob Bra-Burglar Barnard.
What the fu...
How did you get those?
- They were for Bob Barnard's eyes only. - Never mind, I'm here as a friend.
I'm fed up with my husband's depraved behavior.
I want out of the marriage.
- Get in. - Okay.
Hi.
Oh, wow.
Oh, girl. It's about time you came to your senses.
- I know, but I need your help. - Okay.
I'm assuming these aren't the only copies of the photos.
No.
I have them on my phone, why?
Because if I show these to Bob, he'll destroy them.
So would you mind texting them to me as backup?
Oh, no, my pleasure.
- People say you're a bitch. - I know.
- But you're the sweetest. - Thank you.
- Honey... - You're welcome.
I hope you take that pervert husband of yours for everything that he is worth,
right down to his fruity little caboodle.
Got 'em!
Oh, thank you, Regina.
Now, I'm assuming you don't know this,
but you're guilty of trafficking in child pornography.
- Wait. What? - Uh-huh.
It's illegal to text lewd photos of a minor,
which Magnolia most certainly is.
- Now you wait just one minute... - Let me be real clear, Regina.
It's Regina.
I love, love my husband, fruity caboodle and all.
So, you will drop this or I will go to the police.
Oh, yeah. Oh, you go to the police.
Try me.
Whore-alee!
Regina vagina!
- No, it's Regina like a Gina, not a Gyna. - Whatever, bye.
There it was. The smoking bra.
Hey, babe... Bob. Any news?
It's not lookin' good.
The police are lookin' for a young blonde woman,
and Bob Bukkake Barnard has made this case his personal mission.
Wait, what's bukkake?
Never mind. Where are you?
I'm in the evidence locker, in the police station.
- Nonnie's helping me cover my tracks. - What? What?
No. I told you to stay out of trouble.
Get out and don't take anything. They keep a list of all the evidence.
Shit, they do?
Yeah, you need an alibi.
The hallway fire alarm went off at 12:04 a.m.
You need proof you were somewhere else during that time frame.
Wait. I think I was at the Booze 'n Stuff.
Those places have security camera footage, right?
I bet I can get Donald Choi to give it to me.
He's kinda got a thing for me.
Does it mean that I'm not a murderer and can go back to a normal life?
I could be Miss American Lady, and everyone will be so jealous.
Okay, yeah, that's great. Listen, call me when you get the footage.
I'm going to the hospital to check on homeless guy.
Good news.
I found a matchbook wedged between the wall and the mattress.
Captain Murray was able to lift partial prints.
Mm, yay, Captain Murray.
I'm betting it belongs to the blonde.
Off to run it through the database.
Uh, where's Donald?
He had urgent business. Something I can help you with?
Yeah, this is gonna sound weird,
but I have to prove that I was here last night.
Would you mind if I looked at your security footage?
Yes, I mind. This is a place of business.
- I don't have time for games. - What if I bought something?
Okay.
That's odd.
The thumb drive with the footage is missing.
The was only one person who could've stolen that footage.
That porn-hoarder Choi stole my aliboob.
We have to find him. We're running out of time.
Wait, isn't that his car?
Ah, unicorns and rainbows.
That is an invasion of privacy.
You're jerking off in a public parking lot to a video of my back.
- I was not. - Then what were you doing?
Jerking off to the memory of your front.
Give us the security footage, and we won't tell everyone you were
in your car, punching the clown.
Shit! 12:05, that's ten minutes after the fire started.
It still doesn't exonerate me.
Hold on.
If we can prove that, running at full speed,
it took you longer than ten minutes to get here from the motel,
you'll be off the hook.
We have to replicate the exact conditions or the results won't be reliable.
I'm confused.
We're gonna get you drunk
and time how long it takes for you to run from the motel to here.
Sound good?
I'd been drunk more in the past two days
than I had ever been in my life.
Was skinny really magic or a gateway to becoming a raging alcoholic?
- Rock and roll. - Okay...
Go!
Oh, my God. Just go straight. That's not the way to Booze 'n Stuff.
- Patty? - Patty?
- Ow. - Patty!
- Patty can't talk right now, Bob. - Who's this?
Nonnie, her best friend.
- Since we were three. - Well,
tell her homeless guy woke up.
He's still groggy, but he seems to be coming out of it.
Until we know exactly what he has to say,
she needs to stay as far away from the hospital as possible.
Um that's gonna be tough.
Patty sort of had to get her stomach pumped, so...
Balls!
Why do we always have to do it in your car?
Having my face smooshed up against the window like that
is breaking down my collagen.
Is that like an old lady thing?
Everyone has it.
Look, we need to talk. Me and Magnolia are getting back together.
So? I didn't think we were exclusive.
I mean, we can't keep doing this.
So, what?
- You waited to tell me until after... - Yeah.
Obviously. I'm not stupid.
Oh, honey, yes, you are.
Take me home. I don't wanna miss Little Women of Atlanta.
Don't you know that it's dangerous to text and drive?
What are you doin'?
My shirt's on inside out.
Don't need Dixie knowin' I've been getting it on.
Okay, stop, 'cause if someone sees, then I'm...
It's their lucky day.
Shit!
Oh, God. I can't be here! Oh!
I am the number ten realtor in this county!
I don't like this shit!
Damn clay!
The fucking valley!
I'm so sorry. I feel like this is all my fault.
No, no, this is the most fun I've ever had.
You and I just used to sit at home, and now we're out in the world.
I just hope I don't go to jail, and it all goes away.
No, hey, hey, hey.
Hi, handsome.
Jesus, girls.
I asked you to get a time code. Would it kill you to just listen?
I saw Donald Choi's peen.
- It's true. It was horrible. - I'd never seen a peen before.
Okay, bigger fish to fry. Hmm? I checked in with the DA.
The DA?
Bob Bukkake Barnard.
Don't you ever call him that.
He is on his way down here to question the homeless guy.
I have to get to him first to try and do damage control.
Your dad is in the room. You think you can distract him?
Yeah, he's my dad. I think I can manage it.
Sorry. Do you have a problem with me?
Patty, you stay here. We cannot let the homeless guy see you.
- But, I wanna... - Patty, stay!
Let me ask you something.
You've known Patty since she was three.
Do you think she could be capable of something like this?
Well, she's definitely different now that she's skinny,
but she's got her head on straight.
I missed you guys.
Oh, my God.
You cannot follow directions to save your life.
Literally.
Go back in there, lure your father out. I'll take care of her.
- Patty. - Bob.
Go back to the ER, now.
That's her.
That's the girl I was with last night.
She started the fire.
Patty?
You better come in here.
Were you with this man at the motel last night?
Tell him, blondie.
I'm Ms. Bladell's attorney.
I would like to postpone any questioning
until my client and I have a chance to confer.
Confer about what? She did it.
Couldn't be true.
For me or for her.
I was grasping at straws.
Suddenly, I knew what I was looking for.
Hey, what are you doin'? Stop touching my stuff.
Were you wearing these clothes the night of the fire?
- Yeah, but... - Ah!
I think we both know what really happened, homeless guy.
My name is John.
Hey.
You woke up, drunk, alone,
your clothes in the bed, soaked in spilled liquor.
Just another day in the life of a derelict.
And then, creature of habit, you reached for a cigarette.
But before you could light it,
you looked up and saw a smoke alarm above the bed.
But you weren't gonna let that stop you. You decided to disarm it.
You jumped up...
and you removed the battery, slipping it into your pocket.
And then, you lit your cigarette, dropping a match to the bed.
You jumped off the bed, ran to the bathroom to escape the flames,
but you ran into the doorjamb and knocked yourself unconscious.
And then, you lied...
and blamed Patty so you didn't get in trouble...
for starting the fire.
How could you know all that?
Were you in the closet?
That sounds like a confession.
Oh, fuck it.
Yeah, it was me.
Because of Bob, I had a future.
There was hope for a new me.
My pageant story wasn't over yet.
I'm not a monster.
No, you're my great white hope.
That... sounds a little racist.
We are gonna do amazing things.
Bukkake.
Okay. Let's get to the bottom of this.
Already done, Bob.
Already done.
I gotta go home. My son's been in a fender bender.
Texting and driving.
Nonnie, can you make sure Patty gets discharged and get her home?
Yeah, I'm always there for her.
And never say "discharge."
We're gonna start coaching this weekend. You get home and go straight to bed.
- Think you can handle that? - Mm-hmm.
Um... thank you for saving me.
What about me?
So much for the first day of senior year.
We'll have a do-over tomorrow.
Put this all behind us.
But I couldn't put it behind me.
Not yet.
There was one more thing I had to do.
I'll be right back.
Wait, where are you going?
Patty.
Just so you know, I'm the fatty you punched.
You broke my jaw.
I couldn't eat solid food for three months.
So you owe me an apology.
An... an apology?
You should be thanking me.
I saved you. Because of me, you got skinny.
Skinny isn't magic.
It doesn't take away all of the years that I got treated like shit.
- Well, let it go. - I can't!
I might be skinny on the outside, but on the inside, I'm still Fatty Patty.
- That's pathetic. - Oh, I want you to hurt, like I hurt.
You deserve it. I wish I had lit your ass on fire.
I hope you drop fucking dead.
I wanted him dead, and then he was.
And I... was happy.
Did that make me a horrible person?
Did it make me responsible?
Maybe Bob was right. Maybe skinny was magic.
I wondered what else I could do.