1 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:13,805 [ominous music] 2 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:18,393 [Coralee] Please... Please let me go. 3 00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:20,937 I can't. 4 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,939 Not until we take care of the problem at hand. 5 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,275 What do you mean, the problem? What have I ever done? 6 00:00:25,358 --> 00:00:27,986 You ruined my happily ever after with the Bobs. 7 00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:30,155 With the Bobs? What are you talking about? 8 00:00:30,238 --> 00:00:32,782 [sighs wistfully] They're my destiny. 9 00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:35,702 It was love at first sight. 10 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,120 Bob... 11 00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:40,707 you're beautiful. 12 00:00:44,085 --> 00:00:47,714 [Rudy] I knew we were meant to be, from the first time I saw them kiss. 13 00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,511 After that, I followed them everywhere. 14 00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:57,599 [dance music blaring] 15 00:01:04,814 --> 00:01:06,649 I kept trying to introduce myself. 16 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:10,737 [Barnard]...do as a gay couple not involving go-go boys and strobe lights. 17 00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:11,988 [clattering] 18 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:16,242 No! No! No! 19 00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:20,205 What if one of those big, beefy bear-men followed us home 20 00:01:20,288 --> 00:01:22,582 to try and force us to double-team them? 21 00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:23,958 A boy can dream. 22 00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:25,042 [gasps] 23 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,127 [door opens] 24 00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,421 Roxy, what are you doing here? 25 00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:30,423 [Rudy] But I kept getting cockblocked. 26 00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:33,843 And then you were the biggest cockblocker of all. 27 00:01:40,308 --> 00:01:41,392 I couldn't figure it out. 28 00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:44,437 What did you have that they both wanted so badly? 29 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,315 Except it turns out... 30 00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:50,527 you didn't. 31 00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:53,696 [Coralee] Bob, it's not gonna work. 32 00:01:54,697 --> 00:01:55,990 It's time to choose. 33 00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:57,450 But... 34 00:01:58,743 --> 00:01:59,911 if I choose, 35 00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:02,497 either way I lose. 36 00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:05,458 Well, if you don't choose, you're gonna lose us both. 37 00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:08,503 [Armstrong] I can't. 38 00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,673 [Rudy] You had actually done me a favor. 39 00:02:11,756 --> 00:02:15,718 They were both so heartbroken, I could finally make my move. 40 00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:23,601 First one Bob, 41 00:02:24,435 --> 00:02:25,478 then the other. 42 00:02:26,437 --> 00:02:28,606 I was getting so close. 43 00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:32,402 But then you got pregnant and ruined my plan. 44 00:02:33,027 --> 00:02:34,320 If they find out about the baby, 45 00:02:34,904 --> 00:02:36,447 you might all end up back together. 46 00:02:36,531 --> 00:02:39,075 No! No, I don't wanna get back together with them. 47 00:02:39,450 --> 00:02:41,911 You don't have to do this. You do not have to kill me. 48 00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:44,622 Oh, I'm not a murderer. 49 00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:46,291 I'm making you get an abortion. 50 00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:48,459 What? 51 00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:51,087 No, this is not your decision to make! 52 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,464 Sorry about that. This has been a little last minute. 53 00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:58,720 I had to separate my medical tools from my taxidermy stuff. 54 00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:00,680 Okay. This is a bad plan. 55 00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:02,849 When I get out of here 56 00:03:02,932 --> 00:03:05,351 and the Bobs find out what you've done, 57 00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:06,853 they're gonna hate you forever. 58 00:03:06,936 --> 00:03:09,898 Not if I get them to fall in love with me before they find out. 59 00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:12,692 That's crazy! They're gonna come looking for me. 60 00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:16,529 Then I guess it's a good thing I'm texting them from your phone. 61 00:03:18,239 --> 00:03:22,243 "Need a break from all the drama. 62 00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,454 Good luck at the debate. 63 00:03:24,662 --> 00:03:28,249 I'm taking a much-needed vacay." 64 00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:29,584 [sinister music] 65 00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:32,086 Text me when it's done. 66 00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:42,722 [phone beeps] 67 00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,267 [tuts, sighs] 68 00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:50,271 [Bob] At least with Coralee gone, I finally had a quiet place to think. 69 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:51,189 [sighs] 70 00:03:51,272 --> 00:03:52,649 I was running out of time. 71 00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:58,238 [sighs] 72 00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:04,994 [urgent knocking] 73 00:04:09,999 --> 00:04:11,626 Thank God you are here! 74 00:04:11,709 --> 00:04:14,254 The debate is today, and I need my campaign manager! 75 00:04:14,337 --> 00:04:18,174 Listen. You absolutely positively have to beat Bob Barnard. 76 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,134 - I know. - No. If you lose, 77 00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:22,858 - he's gonna drain Gator Bog. - Yeah, I wish I had thought of that. 78 00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:24,806 That Law & Order, that is a real platform. 79 00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:27,267 There are bodies in that swamp, Bob! 80 00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:28,643 Bodies of men. 81 00:04:28,726 --> 00:04:30,770 What the hell are you talking about? 82 00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:33,564 [Angie] I had to protect Patty, which meant fudging the truth. 83 00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:36,442 When I was in Brazil, I accidentally got two kilos of coke in my tits, 84 00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:38,486 and some drug lords came to get back their product 85 00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:40,488 and, long story short, I killed them. 86 00:04:40,571 --> 00:04:42,490 [Bob] What the hell? Was it genetic? 87 00:04:42,573 --> 00:04:46,744 Okay, I did not understand a word of what you just said. You killed people. How? 88 00:04:46,828 --> 00:04:50,039 [Angie] If I told him I used his gun, he might crack under the pressure, 89 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,333 and I needed him to win. 90 00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:53,459 With their machete. 91 00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:55,128 Patty wasn't there, was she? 92 00:04:55,211 --> 00:04:57,005 Oh! No, Patty was not there. 93 00:04:57,088 --> 00:04:59,316 She had nothing to do with it. Didn't know anything about it. 94 00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:02,010 As long as you win like you're supposed to, she's never gonna know. 95 00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:03,011 But... 96 00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:05,680 Come on, Bob! I'm finally in a good place with her. 97 00:05:05,763 --> 00:05:08,141 I cannot let her watch me go to jail. 98 00:05:08,224 --> 00:05:09,892 You have to win. Please! 99 00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:12,103 How? I don't have a platform! 100 00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:13,938 What are you talking about? 101 00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:16,607 - The debate is in two hours. - No shit. 102 00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:18,484 [exasperated sigh] 103 00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:19,568 Okay! 104 00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:21,779 Okay, come on. 105 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,531 Uh... 106 00:05:23,614 --> 00:05:25,742 Okay. We can do this. Um... 107 00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:28,745 What are you good at? 108 00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:30,621 [sighs] I don't know! 109 00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:33,750 Applying concealer. Matching pocket squares to ties. 110 00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:37,754 I mean, how the hell is Mr. Makeover going to compete with Mr. Law & Order? 111 00:05:40,214 --> 00:05:41,591 I think I have an idea. 112 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,973 [Patty] I had gotten out of prison and had come home to the crown. 113 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:54,437 I couldn't think about death or destruction or prison. 114 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,522 I had to focus on my future. 115 00:05:57,690 --> 00:06:00,485 I was facing the biggest pageant of my life, 116 00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:02,111 and I didn't have a coach. 117 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,739 - So, I called in reinforcements. - [doorbell rings] 118 00:06:09,077 --> 00:06:10,328 Thank God you're here. 119 00:06:10,411 --> 00:06:13,331 My mom left me $10,000 of her titty money, 120 00:06:13,414 --> 00:06:15,708 and we have to go shopping for Miss American Lady. 121 00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:16,792 [sniffing] 122 00:06:16,959 --> 00:06:18,336 Oh, my God. What's wrong? 123 00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:19,921 Nonnie, are you okay? 124 00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:22,298 I didn't get into John Jay College. 125 00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:25,093 I got the letter this morning. 126 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:27,052 Nonnie... 127 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,596 I'm so sorry. 128 00:06:28,679 --> 00:06:30,348 [voice cracking] My life is over. 129 00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:33,810 I'm single. I have no future. 130 00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:35,978 Hey, that's not true. You can apply somewhere else. 131 00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:37,146 I can't. 132 00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:39,690 They somehow found out I bribed your attacker 133 00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:42,443 into telling me who paid him off, so... 134 00:06:42,985 --> 00:06:44,862 now my ethics are in question. 135 00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:49,325 - Oh, my God. This is all my fault. - No, it's not. 136 00:06:49,867 --> 00:06:51,369 It was my decision. 137 00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,913 I messed up my own future. 138 00:06:53,996 --> 00:06:54,996 [sniffing] 139 00:06:55,039 --> 00:06:57,625 But yours is still bright. 140 00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,669 So let's go shopping. 141 00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:02,380 - Miss American Lady. - No. 142 00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:05,049 You sacrificed your dream to protect me. 143 00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:07,677 Which means, for once, my dream can wait. 144 00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:09,762 Today is about you. 145 00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:12,318 Whatever you want to make you feel better. 146 00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:16,185 [menacing laughter] 147 00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,854 [Patty] A ghost tour of Atlanta? 148 00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,648 So much for leaving death and destruction behind. 149 00:07:20,731 --> 00:07:23,526 But Nonnie loved horror movies like I loved Drew Barrymore, 150 00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:24,902 and this was Nonnie's day. 151 00:07:25,194 --> 00:07:28,197 Welcome, boys and ghouls, to the Ghost Tour of Atlanta. 152 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,490 My name is Jade. 153 00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:31,159 I'm Patty. This is Nonnie. 154 00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:33,035 Is it just the two of you? 155 00:07:33,369 --> 00:07:34,369 Uh, yeah. 156 00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:37,123 Great. I love an intimate group. 157 00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:43,212 Don't worry. If you get too scared, I'm here to protect you. 158 00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:45,131 Ladies first. 159 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,467 Whoo! 160 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:54,873 Dude, she's totally hitting on you. 161 00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:57,935 Dude, she's totally just doing her... job. 162 00:07:58,769 --> 00:08:00,146 No, dude. She's flirting. 163 00:08:01,355 --> 00:08:03,065 See? Your life isn't over. 164 00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:04,609 I don't know. 165 00:08:05,401 --> 00:08:06,401 Look... 166 00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:08,362 I can't get you into college, 167 00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:10,448 and I can't fix your broken heart, 168 00:08:10,531 --> 00:08:14,368 but I can teach you all about using outside validation to numb your feelings. 169 00:08:16,537 --> 00:08:17,537 Come on! 170 00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:18,943 Let me be your wing woman today. 171 00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:20,370 Let's get your groove back. 172 00:08:20,416 --> 00:08:23,836 [Jade] The first stop is the ghost of Marietta. 173 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,296 [both] Ooohh! 174 00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,509 "As a former prosecutor, y'all know my stance on law and order. 175 00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:31,260 It is the crux..." 176 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:34,013 Ready to crush Bob Armstrong at the debate? 177 00:08:34,096 --> 00:08:36,724 Honestly, I'm nervous. [sighs] 178 00:08:36,807 --> 00:08:38,684 I never thought Bob could win, 179 00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:42,563 but he's been rising in the polls ever since his dad decided to back him. 180 00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:46,526 Remember what you used to always say to me before every pageant? 181 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,653 "Barnards never lose." 182 00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:51,614 I miss those days. 183 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:53,532 Me too. 184 00:08:53,991 --> 00:08:56,160 Especially being in front of an audience. 185 00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,079 You could be... 186 00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,039 today. 187 00:09:00,122 --> 00:09:02,750 I'd be a lot less nervous if you were up on stage with me. 188 00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:05,336 Okay. 189 00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:07,964 And what if Brick and I did some magic tricks at the debate? 190 00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:11,259 Like a halftime show? It'd be great promotion for our YouTube channel. 191 00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:12,342 Yeah... 192 00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:16,013 Unless it's weird for you that Brick's my assistant. 193 00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:17,139 Oh, it's fine. 194 00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:19,308 - It's not Brick's fault his dad's a tool. - [laughs] 195 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:20,518 Let me make some calls. 196 00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:22,144 Yay! Thanks, Dad. 197 00:09:22,478 --> 00:09:23,688 You're the best. 198 00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:27,275 Hey, I haven't seen any of your videos. What are you calling your channel? 199 00:09:27,358 --> 00:09:29,902 Literally Black Girl Magic. 200 00:09:30,152 --> 00:09:31,237 I like it. 201 00:09:31,904 --> 00:09:35,866 Literally Black Girl Magic. 202 00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:38,619 [chuckles] 203 00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:41,706 That's my girl. 204 00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:56,554 Ready to order yet, Ostrich? 205 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:01,142 I'm an emu, you dumb bitch! 206 00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,520 The deadliest bird on Earth. Now piss off. 207 00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:08,774 [door opens] 208 00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:10,901 Oh, oh, hey! 209 00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:12,653 Hey, you! [imitating bird calls] 210 00:10:12,737 --> 00:10:14,905 Over here! Yoo-hoo! 211 00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:17,783 Leave me alone, Ostrich. I'm lookin' for my friend. 212 00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:19,534 It's me. 213 00:10:20,661 --> 00:10:21,829 And I'm an emu. 214 00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:23,831 What's with the costume? 215 00:10:24,206 --> 00:10:25,541 I'm still on the lam. 216 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,419 I've been hiding out at a Furry Convention the past couple of weeks. 217 00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:29,794 Hot. 218 00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:33,883 You'd think, but there's a reason they hide in cute costumes. 219 00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:36,469 I can't believe you broke out of prison, girl. 220 00:10:36,844 --> 00:10:38,220 I'm so proud of you. 221 00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:42,016 You always told me, winners win at any cost. 222 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:46,354 So let's go win back our Tampoozle money from that C-word, Coralee. 223 00:10:46,437 --> 00:10:47,855 I wish there was money. 224 00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:51,317 I needed to find Dixie and buy back her love. 225 00:10:51,692 --> 00:10:53,069 There's no cash to get. 226 00:10:53,569 --> 00:10:56,238 Coralee's barely moved any product. 227 00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:59,116 Then let's go steal back the product. 228 00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:00,451 Oh, girl! 229 00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:04,538 My cousin's sister-wife owns a whole mess of those rest stop vending machines. 230 00:11:05,122 --> 00:11:08,084 She'll buy our inventory, cash up front, 231 00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:10,920 and sell 'em up and down the Georgia coast. 232 00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:13,089 That's a good idea. 233 00:11:13,547 --> 00:11:14,757 [imitating bird calls] 234 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,717 [cackles] 235 00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:20,721 The Atlantis is the oldest cemetery in the state. 236 00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:24,225 Fun fact: Margaret Mitchell, the woman who wrote Gone With The Wind, 237 00:11:24,308 --> 00:11:26,644 was almost buried here twice. 238 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,480 She's definitely out of my league. 239 00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:31,816 Stop that. You're just as much of a catch as she is. 240 00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:33,109 Cozy up to her. 241 00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:35,528 Compliment her. Show her you're interested. 242 00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:37,405 I can't. I have zero game. 243 00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:38,572 Game can be learned. 244 00:11:38,656 --> 00:11:41,534 Up ahead is where, in 1937, 245 00:11:41,617 --> 00:11:44,286 nine-year-old twins Roy and Sara Kagan 246 00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:45,663 walked in... 247 00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:47,832 and they never came out. 248 00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:48,749 [gasps] 249 00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:50,960 Their bodies were never found, 250 00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:53,421 but their spirits still haunt this place, 251 00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,881 angry their parents never looked for them. 252 00:11:56,590 --> 00:11:57,800 People say... 253 00:11:58,676 --> 00:12:01,721 sometimes the twins' favorite red ball shows up in the graveyard. 254 00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:03,848 Should we take a look? 255 00:12:04,932 --> 00:12:06,100 [hums knowingly] 256 00:12:06,183 --> 00:12:07,435 Go, go. Now's your chance. 257 00:12:07,935 --> 00:12:09,979 I'll stay here! I'm too scared! 258 00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:12,606 [phone beeps] 259 00:12:16,193 --> 00:12:17,236 [Patty] Christian's phone. 260 00:12:17,319 --> 00:12:21,282 While Nonnie was off chasing ghosts, mine were threatening to catch up with me. 261 00:12:21,365 --> 00:12:24,118 "Earth to Christian! Please let us know if you're alive." 262 00:12:24,201 --> 00:12:25,241 [Christian] I'm not alive. 263 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:27,579 Am I? 264 00:12:28,789 --> 00:12:31,167 Bet you wish no one was looking for me, like those twins. 265 00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:33,252 You're not real. You're not real. 266 00:12:33,794 --> 00:12:35,254 [breathing heavily] 267 00:12:35,337 --> 00:12:37,965 "Hey, sorry for ghosting. 268 00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:42,470 Money is tight. 269 00:12:42,553 --> 00:12:45,890 Had to shut off my phone and go off the grid. 270 00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:49,727 LA is dope. I think I'm gonna stay out here for good." 271 00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:53,063 You can't keep texting my parents forever. 272 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,065 I just got out of prison. 273 00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:57,234 I'm not going back because of you. 274 00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:59,361 [shouting excitedly] Patty! 275 00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:01,155 Look what we found! 276 00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,407 - The twins' red ball! - [Patty] Great! 277 00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:04,742 Is it time for lunch? 278 00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:06,368 It's time to debate! 279 00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:08,412 Hello, Masonville! 280 00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:10,623 [cheering] 281 00:13:10,706 --> 00:13:12,708 I'm Bella Danvers, the proud host 282 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,668 of Masonville's longest running morning show, 283 00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:18,714 Good Morning Masonville, and it is a good morning because you are in Masonville! 284 00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:25,596 But today, I'll be moderating our mayoral debate 285 00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:27,640 in anticipation of tomorrow's election. 286 00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:31,519 I'm happy to say that two white men are running, which... [chuckles nervously] 287 00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:33,145 ...I find refreshing. 288 00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:35,022 [light laughter] 289 00:13:35,105 --> 00:13:37,316 Do you really think we came up with a good platform? 290 00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:38,234 I hope so. 291 00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:41,195 Otherwise, I can end up behind bars. No pressure. 292 00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:43,155 Thanks, Ang. Real encouraging. 293 00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:45,324 [sighs] You want a pep talk? 294 00:13:46,742 --> 00:13:48,942 [Bella] ...intellect, integrity and leadership skills... 295 00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:50,454 [sighs] 296 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,998 You have done more for my daughter 297 00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:55,042 in the six months you've known her... 298 00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:57,294 than I did in 18 years. 299 00:13:57,962 --> 00:14:00,548 In a lot of ways, you're a better parent than I am. 300 00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:03,843 You're strong. You're loyal. You're resilient. 301 00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:06,804 If those voters see half the man that I see, 302 00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,807 you're gonna win by a landslide. 303 00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:14,228 Angie... 304 00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:20,234 Also, if you need, like, a little extra help... 305 00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:23,737 [stammers nervously] Are you crazy? You could get us arrested, 306 00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:25,614 and Brick is coming! Put it away! 307 00:14:26,073 --> 00:14:29,827 Uh... Are you sure it's a good idea to put it next to your stitches? 308 00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:32,510 I bought two for one coke tits and killed a bunch of drug dealers. 309 00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:34,874 I think the good idea ship sailed a long time ago, Bob. 310 00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:37,251 Hey, I'm sorry I'm late. I was looking for Mom. 311 00:14:37,501 --> 00:14:40,462 Oh... Mama's taking some time away. Didn't she tell you? 312 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:41,547 No. 313 00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:43,966 Rudy should be here by now. Hope nothing's wrong. 314 00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:46,719 And without further ado, 315 00:14:47,177 --> 00:14:50,723 please welcome candidate Bob Armstrong, joined by his son, Brick! 316 00:14:50,806 --> 00:14:52,808 [cheering] 317 00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:59,315 And candidate Bob Barnard, joined by his daughter, Magnolia! 318 00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:01,483 [whistling and applause] 319 00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:06,822 I'm happy to report the candidates' children will also be performing 320 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,866 their magic show during today's halftime break 321 00:15:08,949 --> 00:15:12,912 because what goes better with small town political debates than magic? 322 00:15:16,665 --> 00:15:17,665 Okay. 323 00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:22,296 As is custom here in Masonville, 324 00:15:22,379 --> 00:15:24,632 we will be using Swiss rules for the debate. 325 00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:26,300 Just a reminder, 326 00:15:26,383 --> 00:15:29,845 the opening statement can't exceed, but must be at least 20 minutes. 327 00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,056 If either candidate shouts out, "Round the horn," 328 00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:35,225 the other candidate will stop speaking. The first candidate gives a rebuttal. 329 00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:37,895 This opens the floor to a spirited round of Rebut the Platform. 330 00:15:37,978 --> 00:15:39,897 If you hear this sound... [loud buzzing] 331 00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:42,417 ...it's the bonus round where answers must be under ten words, 332 00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:43,943 with no more than four adjectives. 333 00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:46,946 If either candidate speaks over the other, you'll hear this... 334 00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:48,197 [duck quacking] 335 00:15:48,864 --> 00:15:52,034 That means the offending candidate must go in the penalty box for 60 seconds. 336 00:15:52,117 --> 00:15:54,578 And that's just for the first half of the debate. 337 00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:57,915 In the second half, as is tradition here in Masonville, 338 00:15:57,998 --> 00:16:00,918 we have a few more things to keep in mind. [chuckles] 339 00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:03,462 [doctor] Okay, sweetheart. 340 00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:05,339 Almost ready to get started. 341 00:16:06,006 --> 00:16:07,883 Whatever he's paying you, I will double it. 342 00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:09,385 Just please let me go. 343 00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:10,511 [crashing] 344 00:16:10,594 --> 00:16:12,930 Goddamn it. There's the other one. 345 00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:14,139 The other one? 346 00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:16,558 [Coralee] Who else was he holding? 347 00:16:17,434 --> 00:16:19,353 How the hell was I going to get out? 348 00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:21,981 All I had were my high heels, 349 00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:26,402 the Tampoozle in my pocket, and my press-on French tips. 350 00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:31,573 [grunting] 351 00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:35,995 Oh, come... come on! 352 00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,997 Damn it! Come on! 353 00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:42,418 [Bella] And absolutely no high fives, wedgies or yodeling. 354 00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:43,585 And those are our rules. 355 00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:47,006 If at any point you need a reminder, don't hesitate to use your handy guides 356 00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:48,173 available at your podiums. 357 00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,978 Okay. The candidates will rock, paper, scissors 358 00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:03,439 to decide who presents their opening statements first! 359 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:04,648 And begin. 360 00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:12,489 Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! 361 00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:14,074 - [crowd gasps] - Tie! Try again. 362 00:17:15,492 --> 00:17:16,952 Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! 363 00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:18,829 Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! 364 00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:20,748 Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! 365 00:17:21,665 --> 00:17:23,667 Rock, paper, scissors... 366 00:17:24,793 --> 00:17:26,545 - shoot! - Jesus Christ. 367 00:17:28,672 --> 00:17:31,175 [Rudy] I knew the Bobs still loved each other. 368 00:17:31,258 --> 00:17:33,010 I just needed a way to remind them. 369 00:17:34,094 --> 00:17:36,388 I'd lure them here, broker a peace, 370 00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:39,349 and then they'd love me for getting them back together. 371 00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:41,852 But first, I needed to practice. 372 00:17:42,186 --> 00:17:43,395 Guys, 373 00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:46,356 I think we might all be a little heated from that debate, 374 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,651 but I think it's important to remember the history between you. 375 00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:51,028 Between all of us. 376 00:17:52,362 --> 00:17:54,782 I imagine we all have a lot to say, so... 377 00:17:55,657 --> 00:17:56,784 who wants to go first? 378 00:17:57,826 --> 00:17:58,826 What me? 379 00:17:58,994 --> 00:18:00,704 No, you... What? Oh! 380 00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,331 [laughs] I'm sorry. 381 00:18:02,998 --> 00:18:03,998 No, you go. 382 00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:12,841 Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! 383 00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:14,426 Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! 384 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,470 That's it. No more scissors. Just rock, paper. Go. 385 00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:19,223 - Rock, paper, shoot! - [crowd gasps] 386 00:18:19,306 --> 00:18:22,202 I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. Whoever's closest goes first. 387 00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:23,060 Pick a number. 388 00:18:23,143 --> 00:18:24,269 - Five! - Five! 389 00:18:24,394 --> 00:18:26,396 - [crowd groans] - Okay. We're going alphabetical. 390 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,690 Mr. Armstrong, please give your opening statement. 391 00:18:31,026 --> 00:18:32,027 Please. 392 00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:36,740 Now, I know a lot of you must be asking 393 00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:40,244 what does an attractive, suave, 394 00:18:40,327 --> 00:18:44,998 intelligent, stylish bon vivant have to offer me as mayor? 395 00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,584 [woman] Who cares? He ain't runnin'. What do you have? 396 00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:49,837 [crowd muttering] 397 00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:51,212 [Armstrong] Well... 398 00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,799 as a lawyer slash pageant coach, 399 00:18:53,882 --> 00:18:56,343 it is my professional opinion 400 00:18:56,426 --> 00:18:59,179 that Masonville needs a makeover. 401 00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:03,225 And who better to do that than yours truly? 402 00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:06,145 I took an average girl from Masonville 403 00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:09,815 and turned her into Miss Georgia American Lady 404 00:19:09,898 --> 00:19:12,276 and future national champion. 405 00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:14,236 [woman] Didn't Patty Bladell go to prison? 406 00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:15,571 That's right. 407 00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:20,116 Yes. 408 00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:22,953 But she was falsely accused, 409 00:19:23,203 --> 00:19:26,540 exonerated completely, and now she's out. 410 00:19:26,623 --> 00:19:30,085 And I believed in her, 411 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,880 through all of her trials and travails, 412 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:36,550 proving my loyalty and dedication. 413 00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:38,385 Which means, 414 00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:40,637 when you vote for me, 415 00:19:41,388 --> 00:19:42,973 I will do the same for you. 416 00:19:43,056 --> 00:19:46,101 [crowd cheering and whooping] 417 00:19:57,070 --> 00:19:59,865 [Patty] Gator Bog, where we dumped those drug dealers? 418 00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:03,035 This was turning into a tour of the ghosts of my past. 419 00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:04,953 Why are we here? 420 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,288 Oh, oh, I know! 421 00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:07,998 The swamp's haunted. 422 00:20:08,081 --> 00:20:11,752 Legend has it, a cult of gator worshipers sacrificed themselves here. 423 00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:14,171 Sometimes you can still hear their screams. 424 00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:16,465 [haunted scream] 425 00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:21,887 Oh, shit. 426 00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:22,971 Why so edgy? 427 00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:24,388 I... 428 00:20:26,141 --> 00:20:28,268 I'm just scared of alligators. 429 00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:31,897 Oh, don't be. The gators are gone 'cause global warming. Have been for years. 430 00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:35,150 [Patty] No gators? That meant nothing to eat the bodies. 431 00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:38,070 This could actually be the last time I take anyone by this spot. 432 00:20:38,153 --> 00:20:40,948 If Bob Barnard wins the Masonville Mayoral Election, 433 00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:43,617 - he'll drain it and build a prison. - What? 434 00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:45,801 Haven't you been following the election? 435 00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,497 No. I've been in prison. Remember? 436 00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:50,707 Excuse me for a second. 437 00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,168 [Patty] Drain the swamp? 438 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,295 I had to talk to my mom right away. 439 00:20:55,379 --> 00:20:57,047 - Shit! No cell service. - [beeping] 440 00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:01,425 So... 441 00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:03,095 Yeah. Global warming. 442 00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:05,806 Everything's gonna be smokin' hot! 443 00:21:05,889 --> 00:21:07,224 I feel like it already is. 444 00:21:08,058 --> 00:21:09,601 [engine starts] 445 00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,772 [Jade] Hey! Stop! 446 00:21:13,855 --> 00:21:15,148 Where are you going? 447 00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:18,610 Did she just steal my car? 448 00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:20,570 She's been through a lot. 449 00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:23,031 [mysterious groaning] 450 00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:25,659 Your girlfriend's a piece of work. 451 00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:27,327 She's not my girlfriend. 452 00:21:29,037 --> 00:21:30,037 Okay. 453 00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:33,542 Come on. There's a gas station up the road. 454 00:21:33,625 --> 00:21:34,876 We can get cell service there. 455 00:21:35,585 --> 00:21:40,132 And that is why you should vote Bob Armstrong for mayor! 456 00:21:40,215 --> 00:21:42,384 [crowd cheering] 457 00:21:53,395 --> 00:21:55,856 And now for Mr. Barnard's opening remarks. 458 00:21:55,939 --> 00:22:00,652 As a former prosecutor, y'all know my stance on law and order. 459 00:22:00,736 --> 00:22:03,739 It is the crux of a civil society. 460 00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:07,367 And as such, I'd like to go on record that I maintain a... 461 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,078 certain standard of behavior. 462 00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:14,041 Something Mr. Makeover chooses not to do. 463 00:22:15,917 --> 00:22:18,003 [whirring] 464 00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:21,173 [crowd gasps] 465 00:22:22,507 --> 00:22:25,344 [stammering] Oh... No... Oh... 466 00:22:25,427 --> 00:22:27,179 Excuse me! Excuse me! Uh... 467 00:22:27,262 --> 00:22:29,806 - What do we say? Round the horn? - [quacking] 468 00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:31,725 Not during opening statements. 469 00:22:31,808 --> 00:22:34,978 No, it's all right. Please let my opponent speak. 470 00:22:35,812 --> 00:22:38,607 Last time I checked, this is America 471 00:22:38,690 --> 00:22:41,943 where we are free to throw dollar bills at anyone we like. 472 00:22:42,277 --> 00:22:45,113 Well-hung runaways with daddy issues included. 473 00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:48,950 Unless my esteemed opponent 474 00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:51,745 is protesting same-sex relations, 475 00:22:51,828 --> 00:22:55,707 which I can assure you, from first hand and mouth experience, 476 00:22:56,124 --> 00:22:58,001 is pure hypocrisy. 477 00:22:58,085 --> 00:22:59,920 I'm an out gay man, Bob. 478 00:23:00,003 --> 00:23:02,089 There's no one less homophobic than me. 479 00:23:02,589 --> 00:23:06,009 Now, if we could please continue watching the video in question. 480 00:23:09,012 --> 00:23:10,639 All right, pause right there. 481 00:23:13,100 --> 00:23:15,519 Therein lies the problem. 482 00:23:16,812 --> 00:23:18,146 It's called capitalism. 483 00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:19,314 Big deal. 484 00:23:19,398 --> 00:23:23,110 It's actually called employing an undocumented worker. 485 00:23:23,527 --> 00:23:26,488 That stripper is here illegally from Canada. 486 00:23:26,947 --> 00:23:28,198 I'm an American stripper, 487 00:23:28,281 --> 00:23:31,410 and Armstrong helped that filthy Canadian take my job! 488 00:23:31,785 --> 00:23:32,619 Boo! 489 00:23:32,702 --> 00:23:34,704 Boo! 490 00:23:34,788 --> 00:23:35,788 No! 491 00:23:39,376 --> 00:23:40,544 No! 492 00:23:44,005 --> 00:23:47,008 Okay, this seems like a good time for intermission. 493 00:23:47,092 --> 00:23:50,262 Brick Armstrong and Magnolia Barnard, would you like to take the stage? 494 00:23:50,345 --> 00:23:52,305 [applause] 495 00:23:55,684 --> 00:23:58,645 I am so sorry. I had no idea he was gonna do that. 496 00:23:58,728 --> 00:24:00,248 Are you sure you're still up for this? 497 00:24:00,313 --> 00:24:02,566 I'd rather be on stage than dealing with drama back here. 498 00:24:02,649 --> 00:24:06,611 [Bella] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Literally Black Girl Magic. 499 00:24:06,945 --> 00:24:09,656 [crowd cheering] 500 00:24:15,245 --> 00:24:16,329 [grunting] 501 00:24:18,999 --> 00:24:20,041 Motherfucker. 502 00:24:23,962 --> 00:24:25,172 No way! 503 00:24:26,798 --> 00:24:28,049 [door slams] 504 00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:30,635 Sorry about that. I was just trying out the anesthesia... 505 00:24:30,719 --> 00:24:31,719 New plan! 506 00:24:32,471 --> 00:24:35,140 You let me go, and I don't blow you up. 507 00:24:35,223 --> 00:24:37,100 How in the hell are you gonna blow me up? 508 00:24:37,267 --> 00:24:39,895 I pull the tassel pin, 509 00:24:40,395 --> 00:24:41,980 count to ten, and you go boom. 510 00:24:42,397 --> 00:24:43,482 That's a tampon. 511 00:24:43,565 --> 00:24:45,275 What kind of tampon has a tassel? 512 00:24:45,775 --> 00:24:48,028 This is a ladybomb. 513 00:24:49,112 --> 00:24:52,240 A pocket-sized and discreet explosive device 514 00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:56,328 that I've been developing to protect women from assholes like you. 515 00:24:56,953 --> 00:25:00,248 Five times more effective than mace and pepper spray. Patent pending. 516 00:25:00,457 --> 00:25:01,750 You're bluffing. 517 00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:03,376 Only one way to find out. 518 00:25:03,460 --> 00:25:05,212 [music intensifies] 519 00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:22,062 Ten, 520 00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:23,897 nine, 521 00:25:23,980 --> 00:25:25,106 eight... 522 00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:27,943 Well, seven, six... 523 00:25:28,276 --> 00:25:29,653 It's gonna blow! 524 00:25:31,238 --> 00:25:32,238 Five... 525 00:25:36,243 --> 00:25:37,452 Three, 526 00:25:37,536 --> 00:25:38,912 two, 527 00:25:38,995 --> 00:25:39,995 one. 528 00:25:59,015 --> 00:26:01,560 Shit! It was a goddamn tampon! 529 00:26:08,275 --> 00:26:10,277 [moaning and rattling] 530 00:26:31,923 --> 00:26:32,923 Stella Rose? 531 00:26:33,049 --> 00:26:35,385 - Coralee? - What the hell are you doing here? 532 00:26:35,719 --> 00:26:38,305 - Just help me! - Okay, where's the key? 533 00:26:41,474 --> 00:26:44,102 Okay. I'm coming. 534 00:26:44,352 --> 00:26:45,895 How did you end up down here? 535 00:26:45,979 --> 00:26:50,317 That sick bastard found me in the woods and kept me tied up like this for months. 536 00:26:50,775 --> 00:26:53,945 Callin' me Mama, putting on makeup, giving me sponge baths. 537 00:26:54,029 --> 00:26:56,156 It was like Kathy Bates in Misery! 538 00:26:56,740 --> 00:26:57,866 Only not as hot. 539 00:26:58,658 --> 00:27:00,327 He would've killed me if... Oh! 540 00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:01,786 - [groans] - What is it? 541 00:27:01,870 --> 00:27:05,123 Okay, you just sit there and I'll find something for you to... 542 00:27:05,206 --> 00:27:08,293 Much... Maybe... this. 543 00:27:08,710 --> 00:27:10,712 - Okay. - What are you doing here? 544 00:27:11,046 --> 00:27:14,674 He tried to force me to get an abortion, which I still might get, 545 00:27:14,758 --> 00:27:18,678 but I'm not gonna let a demented asshole make that decision for me! Here we go. 546 00:27:18,762 --> 00:27:20,680 - [Stella Rose] Okay. - Careful! 547 00:27:21,264 --> 00:27:24,309 Okay, easy. I got you. We're gonna get out of here. 548 00:27:24,392 --> 00:27:26,394 - [door creaks open] - [gasps] 549 00:27:28,396 --> 00:27:29,439 He's coming. 550 00:27:30,023 --> 00:27:32,609 [doctor] It was a tampon, you bitch! 551 00:27:33,151 --> 00:27:34,819 I'm gonna kill you. 552 00:27:48,625 --> 00:27:51,044 Mama! Where are you, Mama? 553 00:27:56,216 --> 00:27:57,217 [exhales] 554 00:28:07,811 --> 00:28:08,853 Gotcha! 555 00:28:08,937 --> 00:28:10,105 [screaming] 556 00:28:10,188 --> 00:28:12,607 [grunting] 557 00:28:14,693 --> 00:28:17,320 [screaming] 558 00:28:18,363 --> 00:28:20,156 [gasping] 559 00:28:21,491 --> 00:28:22,491 Don't. 560 00:28:23,410 --> 00:28:24,577 You're not a killer. 561 00:28:25,912 --> 00:28:27,372 There's better ways to handle this. 562 00:28:27,455 --> 00:28:28,873 [groans] 563 00:28:28,957 --> 00:28:29,957 You fucker! 564 00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:36,714 Okay. 565 00:28:38,133 --> 00:28:41,553 I'm stuck with this maniac for months, and you outsmart him with a tampon? 566 00:28:41,636 --> 00:28:42,637 [laughs] 567 00:28:43,471 --> 00:28:44,889 Bob chose the right woman. 568 00:28:53,648 --> 00:28:55,859 Thank you, Stella Rose. 569 00:28:57,318 --> 00:29:00,113 And thank you for saving me from myself back there. 570 00:29:00,196 --> 00:29:01,573 You're right. I'm not a killer. 571 00:29:02,741 --> 00:29:05,702 If you really want to thank me, leave. 572 00:29:06,286 --> 00:29:07,286 And please... 573 00:29:07,495 --> 00:29:08,997 don't tell anyone you saw me. 574 00:29:09,289 --> 00:29:10,874 I need a fresh start. 575 00:29:10,957 --> 00:29:12,625 Shouldn't we get you to the hospital, 576 00:29:12,709 --> 00:29:14,836 or find a way to call the police? 577 00:29:14,919 --> 00:29:16,713 No. No, you go. 578 00:29:17,714 --> 00:29:19,924 I've got business to attend to here. 579 00:29:22,343 --> 00:29:24,053 I said you weren't a killer. 580 00:29:26,264 --> 00:29:27,474 Not me. 581 00:29:39,736 --> 00:29:42,614 Hey! Where have you been? I was getting worried about you. 582 00:29:42,906 --> 00:29:45,825 How could you do that to Bob? Throwing him under the bus like that. 583 00:29:45,909 --> 00:29:46,993 You're ruining everything! 584 00:29:47,076 --> 00:29:48,836 What are you talking about? He's my opponent. 585 00:29:49,037 --> 00:29:52,332 You care about him. You need to apologize. 586 00:29:52,415 --> 00:29:53,415 [chuckles] 587 00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:55,877 Apologize? Whose side are you on? 588 00:29:56,127 --> 00:29:58,880 [Rudy] I didn't want to be on a side. I wanted to be in the middle. 589 00:29:58,963 --> 00:30:00,840 Let's talk about this after the debate. 590 00:30:01,633 --> 00:30:04,803 I booked a room at the Halfway Inn. 591 00:30:06,262 --> 00:30:07,263 See you there? 592 00:30:11,726 --> 00:30:13,061 I'm rooting for you. 593 00:30:29,327 --> 00:30:30,912 [Armstrong] Where the hell was Angie? 594 00:30:31,454 --> 00:30:33,206 I hated that I was letting her down. 595 00:30:33,289 --> 00:30:34,290 [Rudy] Knock, knock. 596 00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:38,545 - How's my favorite candidate holding up? - Rudy, what are you doing here? 597 00:30:38,628 --> 00:30:41,297 I wanted to check in with you after what just happened out there. 598 00:30:41,673 --> 00:30:42,673 Why? 599 00:30:42,882 --> 00:30:45,426 Because it was a low blow. 600 00:30:45,802 --> 00:30:47,679 I can't believe Bob would do that to you. 601 00:30:47,762 --> 00:30:48,888 And why do you care? 602 00:30:48,972 --> 00:30:53,476 Ever since that day in the steam room, I haven't stopped thinking about you. 603 00:30:54,561 --> 00:30:55,812 - Really? - Really. 604 00:30:57,355 --> 00:31:01,067 I booked a room for me and Bob at the Halfway Inn for after the debate, 605 00:31:01,150 --> 00:31:05,113 but after the stunt he just pulled, I don't think we're gonna work out. 606 00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:07,282 It'd be a shame to let the room go to waste. 607 00:31:08,241 --> 00:31:11,286 Why don't you meet me up there? 608 00:31:18,459 --> 00:31:19,460 I'm rooting for you. 609 00:31:20,211 --> 00:31:21,211 Okay. 610 00:31:26,676 --> 00:31:28,386 Here. Take this. 611 00:31:28,469 --> 00:31:29,512 Or I will. 612 00:31:30,221 --> 00:31:32,599 Now, what the hell was Detective Cruz doing here? 613 00:31:32,682 --> 00:31:36,352 - Does he know something about the swamp? - No! He was hitting on me. 614 00:31:36,769 --> 00:31:37,769 Bullshit. 615 00:31:38,479 --> 00:31:40,690 Barnard sent him in here to mess with your head. 616 00:31:40,773 --> 00:31:41,774 You think? 617 00:31:41,941 --> 00:31:44,027 Yeah! He's playing dirty! 618 00:31:44,110 --> 00:31:45,653 And now you've gotta play dirty, too. 619 00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:48,281 You have to, or I'm going to jail. 620 00:31:48,364 --> 00:31:50,825 Haven't you and Barnard known each other since you were kids? 621 00:31:50,909 --> 00:31:54,454 You must have something on that man-groomed douche nozzle. 622 00:31:54,537 --> 00:31:55,955 I dunno. He's got pec implants? 623 00:31:57,165 --> 00:31:59,208 There's nothing wrong with implants, Bob. 624 00:31:59,292 --> 00:32:00,585 He cries every time he comes. 625 00:32:00,668 --> 00:32:02,045 Didn't need to know that. 626 00:32:02,128 --> 00:32:06,007 He calls Kevin James the funniest man alive... 627 00:32:06,090 --> 00:32:10,470 Oh, my God! He eats potato chips so loud. 628 00:32:10,553 --> 00:32:11,846 It is like... It's flames... 629 00:32:11,930 --> 00:32:13,264 - Bob, come on! - Flames... 630 00:32:13,640 --> 00:32:15,516 I need something juicy, you know? 631 00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:19,187 Like Watergate or Wienergate or Pizzagate. 632 00:32:19,979 --> 00:32:21,648 He can't be as perfect as he seems. 633 00:32:24,484 --> 00:32:25,484 He's not. 634 00:32:25,985 --> 00:32:27,695 Oh, my God. You have something. 635 00:32:27,987 --> 00:32:29,697 No, it's nothing we can use. 636 00:32:29,781 --> 00:32:31,282 Bob, please. 637 00:32:31,366 --> 00:32:32,951 - No, I can't. - We have... 638 00:32:33,034 --> 00:32:35,536 I made him a promise that I would never tell. 639 00:32:36,079 --> 00:32:39,123 Mom, how could you not tell me that Barnard was draining the swamp? 640 00:32:39,624 --> 00:32:41,584 Patty! What are you... 641 00:32:41,668 --> 00:32:43,211 Patty knows! You said she didn't! 642 00:32:43,294 --> 00:32:44,379 Of course I know! You knew? 643 00:32:44,462 --> 00:32:46,547 [stammering] Uh... I had to tell him. 644 00:32:46,798 --> 00:32:49,342 [Patty] What would Bob think of me, now he knew I killed again? 645 00:32:49,759 --> 00:32:51,094 Did you tell him about the gun? 646 00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:52,595 - What gun? - Your gun. 647 00:32:52,679 --> 00:32:54,138 That I used! 648 00:32:55,348 --> 00:32:56,432 To kill those men. 649 00:32:56,516 --> 00:32:58,476 My gun? Oh, my God! 650 00:32:58,559 --> 00:33:01,104 I did not give you my gun to kill drug dealers! 651 00:33:01,187 --> 00:33:04,315 I know. I should've told you, but I was trying to protect you. 652 00:33:04,649 --> 00:33:06,234 What in the hell is going on here? 653 00:33:06,359 --> 00:33:09,070 I am sorry that I lied, but... And now you know! 654 00:33:09,654 --> 00:33:10,654 If... 655 00:33:11,948 --> 00:33:14,117 If you don't win, we could both go to jail. 656 00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:15,785 [Patty] We could all go to jail. 657 00:33:16,119 --> 00:33:17,203 So I'mma ask you again. 658 00:33:17,537 --> 00:33:20,415 What kind of dirt do you have on Bob Barnard? 659 00:33:28,381 --> 00:33:30,299 He paid Stella Rose hush money 660 00:33:30,383 --> 00:33:35,013 to keep his paternity to Roxy a secret for the past 20 years. 661 00:33:36,472 --> 00:33:37,592 [Shelby] Are you kiddin' me? 662 00:33:37,724 --> 00:33:40,309 Why would Coralee ruin her own product? 663 00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:42,019 She didn't. 664 00:33:42,478 --> 00:33:44,564 Look at this place split down the middle. 665 00:33:44,647 --> 00:33:45,647 They were at war. 666 00:33:45,940 --> 00:33:47,150 Bob did it! 667 00:33:48,192 --> 00:33:49,694 Regina! Are you okay? 668 00:33:49,777 --> 00:33:52,196 No! Goddamn it! 669 00:33:53,156 --> 00:33:57,076 [screams] Oh, I'm so sick of that fucker ruining everything! 670 00:33:58,661 --> 00:34:00,663 You mean Dixie losing 671 00:34:00,747 --> 00:34:04,333 and you going to prison and losing your house? 672 00:34:05,293 --> 00:34:09,630 Bob Armstrong ruined my entire life since I was eight! 673 00:34:10,048 --> 00:34:12,467 We were friends, best friends. 674 00:34:12,884 --> 00:34:15,928 He was the only person who knew I still wet the bed. 675 00:34:16,220 --> 00:34:20,141 And then one day we got into a fight, and he told everyone! 676 00:34:20,725 --> 00:34:24,228 And after that day, my whole life went to shit! 677 00:34:24,729 --> 00:34:27,648 I became a pariah at school. We had to move! 678 00:34:28,066 --> 00:34:29,442 My parents got divorced, 679 00:34:29,525 --> 00:34:33,571 and Mama started whorin' around and got syphilis and lost her mind. 680 00:34:34,238 --> 00:34:35,698 I was all alone. 681 00:34:36,741 --> 00:34:38,701 Until I stole Dixie. 682 00:34:39,243 --> 00:34:43,289 And then she lost that pageant, and he started to ruin her whole life too. 683 00:34:43,372 --> 00:34:45,208 And I tried taking him down, 684 00:34:45,291 --> 00:34:49,337 but he just keeps on keeping on! 685 00:34:49,545 --> 00:34:51,089 Well, fuck him then! 686 00:34:51,756 --> 00:34:52,840 Where's the bathroom? 687 00:34:52,965 --> 00:34:54,967 Wait! What are you doing? 688 00:34:55,051 --> 00:34:57,428 I'm gonna teach him a lesson, prison style. 689 00:34:57,804 --> 00:34:59,430 I'm gonna give him an upper decker. 690 00:34:59,514 --> 00:35:01,557 Don't. Trust me. 691 00:35:02,016 --> 00:35:04,435 Oh, I got something better in mind for Bob. 692 00:35:04,644 --> 00:35:07,313 I've been planning it for quite some time. 693 00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:11,984 On second thought, do whatever you want. 694 00:35:12,068 --> 00:35:13,361 I'm gonna go get the car. 695 00:35:21,536 --> 00:35:23,830 [applause] 696 00:35:23,913 --> 00:35:25,790 [Bob] Halftime is almost over. 697 00:35:25,873 --> 00:35:28,167 Could I really do what I was about to do? 698 00:35:28,251 --> 00:35:30,044 Ruin Bob Barnard forever? 699 00:35:31,337 --> 00:35:33,506 But maybe this is what he deserved. 700 00:35:33,589 --> 00:35:35,508 It was true, after all. 701 00:35:40,221 --> 00:35:43,558 Just a ghost from his past, come back to haunt him. 702 00:35:45,017 --> 00:35:47,478 [crowd gasps and cheers] 703 00:35:47,562 --> 00:35:48,646 Ta-da! 704 00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:51,274 Thank you. Thank you. 705 00:35:52,567 --> 00:35:54,819 Thank you so much, Literally Black Girl Magic. 706 00:35:55,236 --> 00:35:57,238 And now for the final portion of our debate. 707 00:35:57,321 --> 00:36:00,908 Would Mr. Armstrong and Mr. Barnard please return to the stage. 708 00:36:02,952 --> 00:36:05,352 We all just saw the candidates' children performing together, 709 00:36:05,788 --> 00:36:07,957 which leads me to ask, Bob Armstrong, 710 00:36:08,291 --> 00:36:10,084 how important is family to you? 711 00:36:12,378 --> 00:36:14,630 [Armstrong] Bella couldn't have lobbed me a better pitch. 712 00:36:14,755 --> 00:36:16,591 All I had to do was swing. 713 00:36:16,674 --> 00:36:19,969 You know, Barnard and I, we both have families. 714 00:36:20,428 --> 00:36:21,596 And... 715 00:36:22,597 --> 00:36:24,015 I think... 716 00:36:24,098 --> 00:36:25,850 that family values... 717 00:36:27,268 --> 00:36:28,686 are subjective. 718 00:36:30,730 --> 00:36:31,856 [Armstrong] Just say it. 719 00:36:31,939 --> 00:36:35,610 [clears through] It's a great responsibility 720 00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:38,362 to have a child, and... 721 00:36:39,614 --> 00:36:42,116 everyone handles that differently. 722 00:36:44,368 --> 00:36:47,038 [Armstrong] Grab some sack and go for it, you chicken shit! 723 00:36:47,121 --> 00:36:48,497 What the hell is wrong with you? 724 00:36:48,581 --> 00:36:50,208 Angie could go to jail! 725 00:36:50,291 --> 00:36:51,291 You could go to jail! 726 00:36:51,334 --> 00:36:52,668 Everybody makes mistakes. 727 00:36:55,254 --> 00:36:56,839 As parents, 728 00:36:56,923 --> 00:36:58,007 as people, 729 00:36:58,674 --> 00:37:00,635 as parents of people... 730 00:37:00,718 --> 00:37:02,011 Oh, for fuck's sake! 731 00:37:03,137 --> 00:37:05,556 Bob Barnard has been paying hush money to... 732 00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:06,640 [shushing] 733 00:37:07,391 --> 00:37:08,559 Let her speak! 734 00:37:08,809 --> 00:37:10,269 Stop muzzling that woman! 735 00:37:10,603 --> 00:37:11,603 [crowd] Yes! 736 00:37:12,188 --> 00:37:14,565 Boo! 737 00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:17,568 [Patty] It had all backfired. 738 00:37:17,652 --> 00:37:20,696 Armstrong would lose, Barnard would drain the swamp, 739 00:37:20,780 --> 00:37:23,157 and how long before they found out I killed those guys? 740 00:37:23,241 --> 00:37:24,450 We were all going down. 741 00:37:24,867 --> 00:37:26,619 Where is Rudy Cruz? 742 00:37:26,994 --> 00:37:28,371 [Barnard] What the hell? Coralee? 743 00:37:28,454 --> 00:37:32,250 He kidnapped me and then tried to force me to have an abortion! 744 00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:33,625 [Armstrong] Abortion? 745 00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:35,878 [Barnard] She's pregnant! Who's the father? 746 00:37:37,755 --> 00:37:39,382 Detective Cruz, you're under arrest! 747 00:37:39,465 --> 00:37:40,341 [screams] 748 00:37:40,424 --> 00:37:41,509 Come here! 749 00:37:43,010 --> 00:37:44,553 - [crowd gasps] - Okay. 750 00:37:45,721 --> 00:37:47,181 I did it for you, Bob! 751 00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:48,432 I did it for you both! 752 00:37:49,517 --> 00:37:51,811 I was waiting until later for my romantic gesture, but... 753 00:37:53,187 --> 00:37:54,230 I guess this is it! 754 00:37:56,107 --> 00:37:57,441 I love you... both! 755 00:37:58,359 --> 00:38:00,152 And I want us all to be together. 756 00:38:02,363 --> 00:38:03,363 Baby... 757 00:38:03,739 --> 00:38:05,533 put down the gun. 758 00:38:05,992 --> 00:38:07,326 I love you too. 759 00:38:07,743 --> 00:38:08,744 I do. 760 00:38:09,495 --> 00:38:13,582 And I am sure that we can make this work. Isn't that right, Bob? 761 00:38:13,666 --> 00:38:15,042 Uh, okay... 762 00:38:16,127 --> 00:38:17,128 [Barnard] You see? 763 00:38:17,211 --> 00:38:18,296 It... 764 00:38:20,256 --> 00:38:21,382 Oh, God. 765 00:38:21,882 --> 00:38:23,134 Oh, I'm gonna faint. 766 00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:26,178 - No! Don't you faint! - Oh, no. Here I go. 767 00:38:26,929 --> 00:38:28,931 - [Coralee] Damn it! - No, no! 768 00:38:29,015 --> 00:38:30,766 Neither one of you, goddamn it! 769 00:38:30,850 --> 00:38:33,060 Snort this! Now! Snort it! 770 00:38:36,188 --> 00:38:38,107 [Armstrong] I wasn't sure what I was gonna do. 771 00:38:40,276 --> 00:38:43,029 But after hours of watching Patty's capoeira rehearsals, 772 00:38:43,904 --> 00:38:45,740 I guess I'd picked up a thing or two. 773 00:38:45,823 --> 00:38:47,366 [crowd gasps] 774 00:38:49,744 --> 00:38:52,413 [crowd cheering and whistling] 775 00:39:00,588 --> 00:39:02,631 [chanting] Armstrong! Armstrong! 776 00:39:02,715 --> 00:39:05,968 Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong! 777 00:39:06,135 --> 00:39:07,678 Armstrong! Armstrong! 778 00:39:08,137 --> 00:39:10,097 Armstrong! Armstrong! 779 00:39:10,181 --> 00:39:12,350 Armstrong! Armstrong! 780 00:39:12,433 --> 00:39:14,060 Armstrong! Armstrong! 781 00:39:14,143 --> 00:39:16,145 [crowd gasps] 782 00:39:23,152 --> 00:39:27,365 Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong! 783 00:39:32,620 --> 00:39:34,205 Thank God, it's here! 784 00:39:34,288 --> 00:39:35,664 Well, at least on the bright side, 785 00:39:35,748 --> 00:39:37,875 Patty texted you so you'd know where it was. 786 00:39:37,958 --> 00:39:39,710 And you get to keep your job. 787 00:39:40,336 --> 00:39:42,338 Yeah, your friend's a real saint. 788 00:39:44,090 --> 00:39:45,716 Look, I'm so sorry. 789 00:39:46,258 --> 00:39:47,301 About all of this. 790 00:39:47,385 --> 00:39:48,928 No. It's okay. I... 791 00:39:50,221 --> 00:39:52,890 I actually had a really fun time with you today. 792 00:39:53,724 --> 00:39:54,724 Me, too. 793 00:40:08,239 --> 00:40:10,741 So can I, like, take you to dinner or something? 794 00:40:11,158 --> 00:40:12,743 - I'm starving. - Yes. 795 00:40:23,087 --> 00:40:24,547 [brakes screech] 796 00:40:25,589 --> 00:40:27,216 [cawing] 797 00:40:27,299 --> 00:40:29,301 - Are you okay? - Yeah. 798 00:40:29,718 --> 00:40:30,970 Is that an ostrich? 799 00:40:33,305 --> 00:40:34,557 [phone beeps] 800 00:40:37,601 --> 00:40:39,746 - [Jade] Is that yours? - [Nonnie] This is Patty's purse, 801 00:40:39,770 --> 00:40:41,689 but this isn't Patty's phone. 802 00:40:42,398 --> 00:40:43,274 Who's that? 803 00:40:43,357 --> 00:40:46,527 Her stalker ex-boyfriend, Christian. 804 00:40:47,027 --> 00:40:49,780 But why the hell would Patty have Christian's phone? 805 00:40:52,741 --> 00:40:54,785 [Patty] It seemed like Bob was a lock to win 806 00:40:54,869 --> 00:40:56,996 and locking lips with my mom. 807 00:40:57,079 --> 00:40:59,290 Weird, but also kind of sweet. 808 00:40:59,373 --> 00:41:02,585 Maybe my mom and I could both leave the ghost of our pasts behind. 809 00:41:03,919 --> 00:41:04,919 Boo.