1
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:13,805
[ominous music]
2
00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:18,393
[Coralee] Please... Please let me go.
3
00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:20,937
I can't.
4
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,939
Not until we take care
of the problem at hand.
5
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,275
What do you mean, the problem?
What have I ever done?
6
00:00:25,358 --> 00:00:27,986
You ruined my happily ever after
with the Bobs.
7
00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:30,155
With the Bobs?
What are you talking about?
8
00:00:30,238 --> 00:00:32,782
[sighs wistfully] They're my destiny.
9
00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:35,702
It was love at first sight.
10
00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,120
Bob...
11
00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:40,707
you're beautiful.
12
00:00:44,085 --> 00:00:47,714
[Rudy] I knew we were meant to be,
from the first time I saw them kiss.
13
00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,511
After that, I followed them everywhere.
14
00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:57,599
[dance music blaring]
15
00:01:04,814 --> 00:01:06,649
I kept trying to introduce myself.
16
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:10,737
[Barnard]...do as a gay couple not
involving go-go boys and strobe lights.
17
00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:11,988
[clattering]
18
00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:16,242
No! No! No!
19
00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:20,205
What if one of those big,
beefy bear-men followed us home
20
00:01:20,288 --> 00:01:22,582
to try and force us to double-team them?
21
00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:23,958
A boy can dream.
22
00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:25,042
[gasps]
23
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,127
[door opens]
24
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,421
Roxy, what are you doing here?
25
00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:30,423
[Rudy] But I kept getting cockblocked.
26
00:01:31,007 --> 00:01:33,843
And then you were the biggest
cockblocker of all.
27
00:01:40,308 --> 00:01:41,392
I couldn't figure it out.
28
00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:44,437
What did you have
that they both wanted so badly?
29
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,315
Except it turns out...
30
00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:50,527
you didn't.
31
00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:53,696
[Coralee] Bob, it's not gonna work.
32
00:01:54,697 --> 00:01:55,990
It's time to choose.
33
00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:57,450
But...
34
00:01:58,743 --> 00:01:59,911
if I choose,
35
00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:02,497
either way I lose.
36
00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:05,458
Well, if you don't choose,
you're gonna lose us both.
37
00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:08,503
[Armstrong] I can't.
38
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,673
[Rudy] You had actually done me a favor.
39
00:02:11,756 --> 00:02:15,718
They were both so heartbroken,
I could finally make my move.
40
00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:23,601
First one Bob,
41
00:02:24,435 --> 00:02:25,478
then the other.
42
00:02:26,437 --> 00:02:28,606
I was getting so close.
43
00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:32,402
But then you got pregnant
and ruined my plan.
44
00:02:33,027 --> 00:02:34,320
If they find out about the baby,
45
00:02:34,904 --> 00:02:36,447
you might all end up back together.
46
00:02:36,531 --> 00:02:39,075
No! No, I don't wanna get back
together with them.
47
00:02:39,450 --> 00:02:41,911
You don't have to do this.
You do not have to kill me.
48
00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:44,622
Oh, I'm not a murderer.
49
00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:46,291
I'm making you get an abortion.
50
00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:48,459
What?
51
00:02:48,543 --> 00:02:51,087
No, this is not your decision to make!
52
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,464
Sorry about that.
This has been a little last minute.
53
00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:58,720
I had to separate my medical tools
from my taxidermy stuff.
54
00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:00,680
Okay. This is a bad plan.
55
00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:02,849
When I get out of here
56
00:03:02,932 --> 00:03:05,351
and the Bobs find out what you've done,
57
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:06,853
they're gonna hate you forever.
58
00:03:06,936 --> 00:03:09,898
Not if I get them to fall in love with me
before they find out.
59
00:03:09,981 --> 00:03:12,692
That's crazy!
They're gonna come looking for me.
60
00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:16,529
Then I guess it's a good thing
I'm texting them from your phone.
61
00:03:18,239 --> 00:03:22,243
"Need a break from all the drama.
62
00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,454
Good luck at the debate.
63
00:03:24,662 --> 00:03:28,249
I'm taking a much-needed vacay."
64
00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:29,584
[sinister music]
65
00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:32,086
Text me when it's done.
66
00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:42,722
[phone beeps]
67
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:46,267
[tuts, sighs]
68
00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:50,271
[Bob] At least with Coralee gone,
I finally had a quiet place to think.
69
00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:51,189
[sighs]
70
00:03:51,272 --> 00:03:52,649
I was running out of time.
71
00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:58,238
[sighs]
72
00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:04,994
[urgent knocking]
73
00:04:09,999 --> 00:04:11,626
Thank God you are here!
74
00:04:11,709 --> 00:04:14,254
The debate is today,
and I need my campaign manager!
75
00:04:14,337 --> 00:04:18,174
Listen. You absolutely positively
have to beat Bob Barnard.
76
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,134
- I know.
- No. If you lose,
77
00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:22,858
- he's gonna drain Gator Bog.
- Yeah, I wish I had thought of that.
78
00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:24,806
That Law & Order, that is a real platform.
79
00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:27,267
There are bodies in that swamp, Bob!
80
00:04:27,517 --> 00:04:28,643
Bodies of men.
81
00:04:28,726 --> 00:04:30,770
What the hell are you talking about?
82
00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:33,564
[Angie] I had to protect Patty,
which meant fudging the truth.
83
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:36,442
When I was in Brazil, I accidentally got
two kilos of coke in my tits,
84
00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:38,486
and some drug lords came to get back
their product
85
00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:40,488
and, long story short, I killed them.
86
00:04:40,571 --> 00:04:42,490
[Bob] What the hell? Was it genetic?
87
00:04:42,573 --> 00:04:46,744
Okay, I did not understand a word of what
you just said. You killed people. How?
88
00:04:46,828 --> 00:04:50,039
[Angie] If I told him I used his gun,
he might crack under the pressure,
89
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:52,333
and I needed him to win.
90
00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:53,459
With their machete.
91
00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:55,128
Patty wasn't there, was she?
92
00:04:55,211 --> 00:04:57,005
Oh! No, Patty was not there.
93
00:04:57,088 --> 00:04:59,316
She had nothing to do with it.
Didn't know anything about it.
94
00:04:59,340 --> 00:05:02,010
As long as you win like you're
supposed to, she's never gonna know.
95
00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:03,011
But...
96
00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:05,680
Come on, Bob! I'm finally
in a good place with her.
97
00:05:05,763 --> 00:05:08,141
I cannot let her watch me go to jail.
98
00:05:08,224 --> 00:05:09,892
You have to win. Please!
99
00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:12,103
How? I don't have a platform!
100
00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:13,938
What are you talking about?
101
00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:16,607
- The debate is in two hours.
- No shit.
102
00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:18,484
[exasperated sigh]
103
00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:19,568
Okay!
104
00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:21,779
Okay, come on.
105
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,531
Uh...
106
00:05:23,614 --> 00:05:25,742
Okay. We can do this. Um...
107
00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:28,745
What are you good at?
108
00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:30,621
[sighs] I don't know!
109
00:05:30,705 --> 00:05:33,750
Applying concealer.
Matching pocket squares to ties.
110
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:37,754
I mean, how the hell is Mr. Makeover
going to compete with Mr. Law & Order?
111
00:05:40,214 --> 00:05:41,591
I think I have an idea.
112
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:48,973
[Patty] I had gotten out of prison
and had come home to the crown.
113
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:54,437
I couldn't think about death
or destruction or prison.
114
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,522
I had to focus on my future.
115
00:05:57,690 --> 00:06:00,485
I was facing
the biggest pageant of my life,
116
00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:02,111
and I didn't have a coach.
117
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,739
- So, I called in reinforcements.
- [doorbell rings]
118
00:06:09,077 --> 00:06:10,328
Thank God you're here.
119
00:06:10,411 --> 00:06:13,331
My mom left me $10,000
of her titty money,
120
00:06:13,414 --> 00:06:15,708
and we have to go shopping
for Miss American Lady.
121
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:16,792
[sniffing]
122
00:06:16,959 --> 00:06:18,336
Oh, my God. What's wrong?
123
00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:19,921
Nonnie, are you okay?
124
00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:22,298
I didn't get into John Jay College.
125
00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:25,093
I got the letter this morning.
126
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:27,052
Nonnie...
127
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,596
I'm so sorry.
128
00:06:28,679 --> 00:06:30,348
[voice cracking] My life is over.
129
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:33,810
I'm single. I have no future.
130
00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:35,978
Hey, that's not true.
You can apply somewhere else.
131
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:37,146
I can't.
132
00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:39,690
They somehow found out
I bribed your attacker
133
00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:42,443
into telling me who paid him off, so...
134
00:06:42,985 --> 00:06:44,862
now my ethics are in question.
135
00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:49,325
- Oh, my God. This is all my fault.
- No, it's not.
136
00:06:49,867 --> 00:06:51,369
It was my decision.
137
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,913
I messed up my own future.
138
00:06:53,996 --> 00:06:54,996
[sniffing]
139
00:06:55,039 --> 00:06:57,625
But yours is still bright.
140
00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,669
So let's go shopping.
141
00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:02,380
- Miss American Lady.
- No.
142
00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:05,049
You sacrificed your dream to protect me.
143
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:07,677
Which means, for once, my dream can wait.
144
00:07:08,678 --> 00:07:09,762
Today is about you.
145
00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:12,318
Whatever you want to make you feel better.
146
00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:16,185
[menacing laughter]
147
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,854
[Patty] A ghost tour of Atlanta?
148
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,648
So much for leaving
death and destruction behind.
149
00:07:20,731 --> 00:07:23,526
But Nonnie loved horror movies
like I loved Drew Barrymore,
150
00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:24,902
and this was Nonnie's day.
151
00:07:25,194 --> 00:07:28,197
Welcome, boys and ghouls,
to the Ghost Tour of Atlanta.
152
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,490
My name is Jade.
153
00:07:29,782 --> 00:07:31,159
I'm Patty. This is Nonnie.
154
00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:33,035
Is it just the two of you?
155
00:07:33,369 --> 00:07:34,369
Uh, yeah.
156
00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:37,123
Great. I love an intimate group.
157
00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:43,212
Don't worry. If you get too scared,
I'm here to protect you.
158
00:07:44,046 --> 00:07:45,131
Ladies first.
159
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,467
Whoo!
160
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:54,873
Dude, she's totally hitting on you.
161
00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:57,935
Dude, she's totally just doing her... job.
162
00:07:58,769 --> 00:08:00,146
No, dude. She's flirting.
163
00:08:01,355 --> 00:08:03,065
See? Your life isn't over.
164
00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:04,609
I don't know.
165
00:08:05,401 --> 00:08:06,401
Look...
166
00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:08,362
I can't get you into college,
167
00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:10,448
and I can't fix your broken heart,
168
00:08:10,531 --> 00:08:14,368
but I can teach you all about using
outside validation to numb your feelings.
169
00:08:16,537 --> 00:08:17,537
Come on!
170
00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:18,943
Let me be your wing woman today.
171
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:20,370
Let's get your groove back.
172
00:08:20,416 --> 00:08:23,836
[Jade] The first stop
is the ghost of Marietta.
173
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,296
[both] Ooohh!
174
00:08:26,672 --> 00:08:29,509
"As a former prosecutor,
y'all know my stance on law and order.
175
00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:31,260
It is the crux..."
176
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:34,013
Ready to crush Bob Armstrong
at the debate?
177
00:08:34,096 --> 00:08:36,724
Honestly, I'm nervous. [sighs]
178
00:08:36,807 --> 00:08:38,684
I never thought Bob could win,
179
00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:42,563
but he's been rising in the polls
ever since his dad decided to back him.
180
00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:46,526
Remember what you used to always
say to me before every pageant?
181
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,653
"Barnards never lose."
182
00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:51,614
I miss those days.
183
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:53,532
Me too.
184
00:08:53,991 --> 00:08:56,160
Especially being in front of an audience.
185
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,079
You could be...
186
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,039
today.
187
00:09:00,122 --> 00:09:02,750
I'd be a lot less nervous
if you were up on stage with me.
188
00:09:04,168 --> 00:09:05,336
Okay.
189
00:09:05,419 --> 00:09:07,964
And what if Brick and I
did some magic tricks at the debate?
190
00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:11,259
Like a halftime show? It'd be great
promotion for our YouTube channel.
191
00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:12,342
Yeah...
192
00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:16,013
Unless it's weird for you
that Brick's my assistant.
193
00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:17,139
Oh, it's fine.
194
00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:19,308
- It's not Brick's fault his dad's a tool.
- [laughs]
195
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:20,518
Let me make some calls.
196
00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:22,144
Yay! Thanks, Dad.
197
00:09:22,478 --> 00:09:23,688
You're the best.
198
00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:27,275
Hey, I haven't seen any of your videos.
What are you calling your channel?
199
00:09:27,358 --> 00:09:29,902
Literally Black Girl Magic.
200
00:09:30,152 --> 00:09:31,237
I like it.
201
00:09:31,904 --> 00:09:35,866
Literally Black Girl Magic.
202
00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:38,619
[chuckles]
203
00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:41,706
That's my girl.
204
00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:56,554
Ready to order yet, Ostrich?
205
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:01,142
I'm an emu, you dumb bitch!
206
00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:04,520
The deadliest bird on Earth. Now piss off.
207
00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:08,774
[door opens]
208
00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:10,901
Oh, oh, hey!
209
00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:12,653
Hey, you! [imitating bird calls]
210
00:10:12,737 --> 00:10:14,905
Over here! Yoo-hoo!
211
00:10:14,989 --> 00:10:17,783
Leave me alone, Ostrich.
I'm lookin' for my friend.
212
00:10:18,534 --> 00:10:19,534
It's me.
213
00:10:20,661 --> 00:10:21,829
And I'm an emu.
214
00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:23,831
What's with the costume?
215
00:10:24,206 --> 00:10:25,541
I'm still on the lam.
216
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:28,419
I've been hiding out at a Furry Convention
the past couple of weeks.
217
00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:29,794
Hot.
218
00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:33,883
You'd think, but there's a reason
they hide in cute costumes.
219
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:36,469
I can't believe
you broke out of prison, girl.
220
00:10:36,844 --> 00:10:38,220
I'm so proud of you.
221
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:42,016
You always told me,
winners win at any cost.
222
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:46,354
So let's go win back our Tampoozle
money from that C-word, Coralee.
223
00:10:46,437 --> 00:10:47,855
I wish there was money.
224
00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:51,317
I needed to find Dixie
and buy back her love.
225
00:10:51,692 --> 00:10:53,069
There's no cash to get.
226
00:10:53,569 --> 00:10:56,238
Coralee's barely moved any product.
227
00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:59,116
Then let's go steal back the product.
228
00:10:59,533 --> 00:11:00,451
Oh, girl!
229
00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:04,538
My cousin's sister-wife owns a whole mess
of those rest stop vending machines.
230
00:11:05,122 --> 00:11:08,084
She'll buy our inventory, cash up front,
231
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:10,920
and sell 'em up and down
the Georgia coast.
232
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:13,089
That's a good idea.
233
00:11:13,547 --> 00:11:14,757
[imitating bird calls]
234
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,717
[cackles]
235
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:20,721
The Atlantis is the oldest
cemetery in the state.
236
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:24,225
Fun fact: Margaret Mitchell,
the woman who wrote Gone With The Wind,
237
00:11:24,308 --> 00:11:26,644
was almost buried here twice.
238
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,480
She's definitely out of my league.
239
00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:31,816
Stop that. You're just as much
of a catch as she is.
240
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:33,109
Cozy up to her.
241
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:35,528
Compliment her.
Show her you're interested.
242
00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:37,405
I can't. I have zero game.
243
00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:38,572
Game can be learned.
244
00:11:38,656 --> 00:11:41,534
Up ahead is where, in 1937,
245
00:11:41,617 --> 00:11:44,286
nine-year-old twins Roy and Sara Kagan
246
00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:45,663
walked in...
247
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:47,832
and they never came out.
248
00:11:47,915 --> 00:11:48,749
[gasps]
249
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:50,960
Their bodies were never found,
250
00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:53,421
but their spirits still haunt this place,
251
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:55,881
angry their parents never looked for them.
252
00:11:56,590 --> 00:11:57,800
People say...
253
00:11:58,676 --> 00:12:01,721
sometimes the twins' favorite red ball
shows up in the graveyard.
254
00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:03,848
Should we take a look?
255
00:12:04,932 --> 00:12:06,100
[hums knowingly]
256
00:12:06,183 --> 00:12:07,435
Go, go. Now's your chance.
257
00:12:07,935 --> 00:12:09,979
I'll stay here! I'm too scared!
258
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:12,606
[phone beeps]
259
00:12:16,193 --> 00:12:17,236
[Patty] Christian's phone.
260
00:12:17,319 --> 00:12:21,282
While Nonnie was off chasing ghosts,
mine were threatening to catch up with me.
261
00:12:21,365 --> 00:12:24,118
"Earth to Christian!
Please let us know if you're alive."
262
00:12:24,201 --> 00:12:25,241
[Christian] I'm not alive.
263
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:27,579
Am I?
264
00:12:28,789 --> 00:12:31,167
Bet you wish no one was looking
for me, like those twins.
265
00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:33,252
You're not real. You're not real.
266
00:12:33,794 --> 00:12:35,254
[breathing heavily]
267
00:12:35,337 --> 00:12:37,965
"Hey, sorry for ghosting.
268
00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:42,470
Money is tight.
269
00:12:42,553 --> 00:12:45,890
Had to shut off my phone
and go off the grid.
270
00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:49,727
LA is dope. I think I'm gonna
stay out here for good."
271
00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:53,063
You can't keep texting my parents forever.
272
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,065
I just got out of prison.
273
00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:57,234
I'm not going back because of you.
274
00:12:57,318 --> 00:12:59,361
[shouting excitedly] Patty!
275
00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:01,155
Look what we found!
276
00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,407
- The twins' red ball!
- [Patty] Great!
277
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:04,742
Is it time for lunch?
278
00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:06,368
It's time to debate!
279
00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:08,412
Hello, Masonville!
280
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:10,623
[cheering]
281
00:13:10,706 --> 00:13:12,708
I'm Bella Danvers, the proud host
282
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,668
of Masonville's longest running
morning show,
283
00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:18,714
Good Morning Masonville, and it is a good
morning because you are in Masonville!
284
00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:25,596
But today, I'll be moderating
our mayoral debate
285
00:13:25,679 --> 00:13:27,640
in anticipation of tomorrow's election.
286
00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:31,519
I'm happy to say that two white men
are running, which... [chuckles nervously]
287
00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:33,145
...I find refreshing.
288
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:35,022
[light laughter]
289
00:13:35,105 --> 00:13:37,316
Do you really think
we came up with a good platform?
290
00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:38,234
I hope so.
291
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:41,195
Otherwise, I can end up behind bars.
No pressure.
292
00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:43,155
Thanks, Ang. Real encouraging.
293
00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:45,324
[sighs] You want a pep talk?
294
00:13:46,742 --> 00:13:48,942
[Bella] ...intellect, integrity
and leadership skills...
295
00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:50,454
[sighs]
296
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,998
You have done more for my daughter
297
00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:55,042
in the six months you've known her...
298
00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:57,294
than I did in 18 years.
299
00:13:57,962 --> 00:14:00,548
In a lot of ways,
you're a better parent than I am.
300
00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:03,843
You're strong. You're loyal.
You're resilient.
301
00:14:04,134 --> 00:14:06,804
If those voters see half the man
that I see,
302
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,807
you're gonna win by a landslide.
303
00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:14,228
Angie...
304
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:20,234
Also, if you need, like,
a little extra help...
305
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:23,737
[stammers nervously] Are you crazy?
You could get us arrested,
306
00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:25,614
and Brick is coming! Put it away!
307
00:14:26,073 --> 00:14:29,827
Uh... Are you sure it's a good idea
to put it next to your stitches?
308
00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:32,510
I bought two for one coke tits
and killed a bunch of drug dealers.
309
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:34,874
I think the good idea ship sailed
a long time ago, Bob.
310
00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:37,251
Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.
I was looking for Mom.
311
00:14:37,501 --> 00:14:40,462
Oh... Mama's taking some time away.
Didn't she tell you?
312
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:41,547
No.
313
00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:43,966
Rudy should be here by now.
Hope nothing's wrong.
314
00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:46,719
And without further ado,
315
00:14:47,177 --> 00:14:50,723
please welcome candidate Bob Armstrong,
joined by his son, Brick!
316
00:14:50,806 --> 00:14:52,808
[cheering]
317
00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:59,315
And candidate Bob Barnard,
joined by his daughter, Magnolia!
318
00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:01,483
[whistling and applause]
319
00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:06,822
I'm happy to report the candidates'
children will also be performing
320
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,866
their magic show
during today's halftime break
321
00:15:08,949 --> 00:15:12,912
because what goes better with
small town political debates than magic?
322
00:15:16,665 --> 00:15:17,665
Okay.
323
00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:22,296
As is custom here in Masonville,
324
00:15:22,379 --> 00:15:24,632
we will be using Swiss rules
for the debate.
325
00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:26,300
Just a reminder,
326
00:15:26,383 --> 00:15:29,845
the opening statement can't exceed,
but must be at least 20 minutes.
327
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:32,056
If either candidate shouts out,
"Round the horn,"
328
00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:35,225
the other candidate will stop speaking.
The first candidate gives a rebuttal.
329
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:37,895
This opens the floor to a spirited round
of Rebut the Platform.
330
00:15:37,978 --> 00:15:39,897
If you hear this sound...
[loud buzzing]
331
00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:42,417
...it's the bonus round
where answers must be under ten words,
332
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:43,943
with no more than four adjectives.
333
00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:46,946
If either candidate speaks over the other,
you'll hear this...
334
00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:48,197
[duck quacking]
335
00:15:48,864 --> 00:15:52,034
That means the offending candidate
must go in the penalty box for 60 seconds.
336
00:15:52,117 --> 00:15:54,578
And that's just for the first half
of the debate.
337
00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:57,915
In the second half,
as is tradition here in Masonville,
338
00:15:57,998 --> 00:16:00,918
we have a few more things to keep in mind.
[chuckles]
339
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:03,462
[doctor] Okay, sweetheart.
340
00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:05,339
Almost ready to get started.
341
00:16:06,006 --> 00:16:07,883
Whatever he's paying you,
I will double it.
342
00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:09,385
Just please let me go.
343
00:16:09,468 --> 00:16:10,511
[crashing]
344
00:16:10,594 --> 00:16:12,930
Goddamn it. There's the other one.
345
00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:14,139
The other one?
346
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:16,558
[Coralee] Who else was he holding?
347
00:16:17,434 --> 00:16:19,353
How the hell was I going to get out?
348
00:16:19,770 --> 00:16:21,981
All I had were my high heels,
349
00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:26,402
the Tampoozle in my pocket,
and my press-on French tips.
350
00:16:30,322 --> 00:16:31,573
[grunting]
351
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:35,995
Oh, come... come on!
352
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,997
Damn it! Come on!
353
00:16:38,914 --> 00:16:42,418
[Bella] And absolutely no high fives,
wedgies or yodeling.
354
00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:43,585
And those are our rules.
355
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:47,006
If at any point you need a reminder,
don't hesitate to use your handy guides
356
00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:48,173
available at your podiums.
357
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,978
Okay. The candidates
will rock, paper, scissors
358
00:17:01,103 --> 00:17:03,439
to decide who presents
their opening statements first!
359
00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:04,648
And begin.
360
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:12,489
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!
361
00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:14,074
- [crowd gasps]
- Tie! Try again.
362
00:17:15,492 --> 00:17:16,952
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!
363
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:18,829
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!
364
00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:20,748
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!
365
00:17:21,665 --> 00:17:23,667
Rock, paper, scissors...
366
00:17:24,793 --> 00:17:26,545
- shoot!
- Jesus Christ.
367
00:17:28,672 --> 00:17:31,175
[Rudy] I knew the Bobs
still loved each other.
368
00:17:31,258 --> 00:17:33,010
I just needed a way to remind them.
369
00:17:34,094 --> 00:17:36,388
I'd lure them here, broker a peace,
370
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:39,349
and then they'd love me
for getting them back together.
371
00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:41,852
But first, I needed to practice.
372
00:17:42,186 --> 00:17:43,395
Guys,
373
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:46,356
I think we might all be a little heated
from that debate,
374
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,651
but I think it's important to remember
the history between you.
375
00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:51,028
Between all of us.
376
00:17:52,362 --> 00:17:54,782
I imagine we all have a lot to say, so...
377
00:17:55,657 --> 00:17:56,784
who wants to go first?
378
00:17:57,826 --> 00:17:58,826
What me?
379
00:17:58,994 --> 00:18:00,704
No, you... What? Oh!
380
00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,331
[laughs] I'm sorry.
381
00:18:02,998 --> 00:18:03,998
No, you go.
382
00:18:11,006 --> 00:18:12,841
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!
383
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:14,426
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!
384
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,470
That's it. No more scissors.
Just rock, paper. Go.
385
00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:19,223
- Rock, paper, shoot!
- [crowd gasps]
386
00:18:19,306 --> 00:18:22,202
I'm thinking of a number between one
and ten. Whoever's closest goes first.
387
00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:23,060
Pick a number.
388
00:18:23,143 --> 00:18:24,269
- Five!
- Five!
389
00:18:24,394 --> 00:18:26,396
- [crowd groans]
- Okay. We're going alphabetical.
390
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,690
Mr. Armstrong, please give
your opening statement.
391
00:18:31,026 --> 00:18:32,027
Please.
392
00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:36,740
Now, I know a lot of you must be asking
393
00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:40,244
what does an attractive, suave,
394
00:18:40,327 --> 00:18:44,998
intelligent, stylish bon vivant
have to offer me as mayor?
395
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,584
[woman] Who cares? He ain't runnin'.
What do you have?
396
00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:49,837
[crowd muttering]
397
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:51,212
[Armstrong] Well...
398
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,799
as a lawyer slash pageant coach,
399
00:18:53,882 --> 00:18:56,343
it is my professional opinion
400
00:18:56,426 --> 00:18:59,179
that Masonville needs a makeover.
401
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:03,225
And who better to do that
than yours truly?
402
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:06,145
I took an average girl from Masonville
403
00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:09,815
and turned her
into Miss Georgia American Lady
404
00:19:09,898 --> 00:19:12,276
and future national champion.
405
00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:14,236
[woman] Didn't Patty Bladell go to prison?
406
00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:15,571
That's right.
407
00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:20,116
Yes.
408
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:22,953
But she was falsely accused,
409
00:19:23,203 --> 00:19:26,540
exonerated completely, and now she's out.
410
00:19:26,623 --> 00:19:30,085
And I believed in her,
411
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,880
through all of her trials and travails,
412
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:36,550
proving my loyalty and dedication.
413
00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:38,385
Which means,
414
00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:40,637
when you vote for me,
415
00:19:41,388 --> 00:19:42,973
I will do the same for you.
416
00:19:43,056 --> 00:19:46,101
[crowd cheering and whooping]
417
00:19:57,070 --> 00:19:59,865
[Patty] Gator Bog, where we dumped
those drug dealers?
418
00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:03,035
This was turning into
a tour of the ghosts of my past.
419
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:04,953
Why are we here?
420
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,288
Oh, oh, I know!
421
00:20:06,371 --> 00:20:07,998
The swamp's haunted.
422
00:20:08,081 --> 00:20:11,752
Legend has it, a cult of gator worshipers
sacrificed themselves here.
423
00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:14,171
Sometimes you can still hear
their screams.
424
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:16,465
[haunted scream]
425
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:21,887
Oh, shit.
426
00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:22,971
Why so edgy?
427
00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:24,388
I...
428
00:20:26,141 --> 00:20:28,268
I'm just scared of alligators.
429
00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:31,897
Oh, don't be. The gators are gone 'cause
global warming. Have been for years.
430
00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:35,150
[Patty] No gators? That meant
nothing to eat the bodies.
431
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:38,070
This could actually be the last time
I take anyone by this spot.
432
00:20:38,153 --> 00:20:40,948
If Bob Barnard wins
the Masonville Mayoral Election,
433
00:20:41,031 --> 00:20:43,617
- he'll drain it and build a prison.
- What?
434
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:45,801
Haven't you been following the election?
435
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,497
No. I've been in prison. Remember?
436
00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:50,707
Excuse me for a second.
437
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,168
[Patty] Drain the swamp?
438
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,295
I had to talk to my mom right away.
439
00:20:55,379 --> 00:20:57,047
- Shit! No cell service.
- [beeping]
440
00:21:00,425 --> 00:21:01,425
So...
441
00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:03,095
Yeah. Global warming.
442
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:05,806
Everything's gonna be smokin' hot!
443
00:21:05,889 --> 00:21:07,224
I feel like it already is.
444
00:21:08,058 --> 00:21:09,601
[engine starts]
445
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,772
[Jade] Hey! Stop!
446
00:21:13,855 --> 00:21:15,148
Where are you going?
447
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:18,610
Did she just steal my car?
448
00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:20,570
She's been through a lot.
449
00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:23,031
[mysterious groaning]
450
00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:25,659
Your girlfriend's a piece of work.
451
00:21:26,076 --> 00:21:27,327
She's not my girlfriend.
452
00:21:29,037 --> 00:21:30,037
Okay.
453
00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:33,542
Come on.
There's a gas station up the road.
454
00:21:33,625 --> 00:21:34,876
We can get cell service there.
455
00:21:35,585 --> 00:21:40,132
And that is why you should vote
Bob Armstrong for mayor!
456
00:21:40,215 --> 00:21:42,384
[crowd cheering]
457
00:21:53,395 --> 00:21:55,856
And now for Mr. Barnard's opening remarks.
458
00:21:55,939 --> 00:22:00,652
As a former prosecutor,
y'all know my stance on law and order.
459
00:22:00,736 --> 00:22:03,739
It is the crux of a civil society.
460
00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:07,367
And as such, I'd like to go on record
that I maintain a...
461
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,078
certain standard of behavior.
462
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:14,041
Something Mr. Makeover chooses not to do.
463
00:22:15,917 --> 00:22:18,003
[whirring]
464
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:21,173
[crowd gasps]
465
00:22:22,507 --> 00:22:25,344
[stammering]
Oh... No... Oh...
466
00:22:25,427 --> 00:22:27,179
Excuse me! Excuse me! Uh...
467
00:22:27,262 --> 00:22:29,806
- What do we say? Round the horn?
- [quacking]
468
00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:31,725
Not during opening statements.
469
00:22:31,808 --> 00:22:34,978
No, it's all right.
Please let my opponent speak.
470
00:22:35,812 --> 00:22:38,607
Last time I checked, this is America
471
00:22:38,690 --> 00:22:41,943
where we are free to throw dollar bills
at anyone we like.
472
00:22:42,277 --> 00:22:45,113
Well-hung runaways
with daddy issues included.
473
00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:48,950
Unless my esteemed opponent
474
00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:51,745
is protesting same-sex relations,
475
00:22:51,828 --> 00:22:55,707
which I can assure you,
from first hand and mouth experience,
476
00:22:56,124 --> 00:22:58,001
is pure hypocrisy.
477
00:22:58,085 --> 00:22:59,920
I'm an out gay man, Bob.
478
00:23:00,003 --> 00:23:02,089
There's no one less homophobic than me.
479
00:23:02,589 --> 00:23:06,009
Now, if we could please continue
watching the video in question.
480
00:23:09,012 --> 00:23:10,639
All right, pause right there.
481
00:23:13,100 --> 00:23:15,519
Therein lies the problem.
482
00:23:16,812 --> 00:23:18,146
It's called capitalism.
483
00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:19,314
Big deal.
484
00:23:19,398 --> 00:23:23,110
It's actually called employing
an undocumented worker.
485
00:23:23,527 --> 00:23:26,488
That stripper is here
illegally from Canada.
486
00:23:26,947 --> 00:23:28,198
I'm an American stripper,
487
00:23:28,281 --> 00:23:31,410
and Armstrong helped
that filthy Canadian take my job!
488
00:23:31,785 --> 00:23:32,619
Boo!
489
00:23:32,702 --> 00:23:34,704
Boo!
490
00:23:34,788 --> 00:23:35,788
No!
491
00:23:39,376 --> 00:23:40,544
No!
492
00:23:44,005 --> 00:23:47,008
Okay, this seems like a good time
for intermission.
493
00:23:47,092 --> 00:23:50,262
Brick Armstrong and Magnolia Barnard,
would you like to take the stage?
494
00:23:50,345 --> 00:23:52,305
[applause]
495
00:23:55,684 --> 00:23:58,645
I am so sorry.
I had no idea he was gonna do that.
496
00:23:58,728 --> 00:24:00,248
Are you sure you're still up for this?
497
00:24:00,313 --> 00:24:02,566
I'd rather be on stage
than dealing with drama back here.
498
00:24:02,649 --> 00:24:06,611
[Bella] Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Literally Black Girl Magic.
499
00:24:06,945 --> 00:24:09,656
[crowd cheering]
500
00:24:15,245 --> 00:24:16,329
[grunting]
501
00:24:18,999 --> 00:24:20,041
Motherfucker.
502
00:24:23,962 --> 00:24:25,172
No way!
503
00:24:26,798 --> 00:24:28,049
[door slams]
504
00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:30,635
Sorry about that. I was just
trying out the anesthesia...
505
00:24:30,719 --> 00:24:31,719
New plan!
506
00:24:32,471 --> 00:24:35,140
You let me go, and I don't blow you up.
507
00:24:35,223 --> 00:24:37,100
How in the hell are you gonna blow me up?
508
00:24:37,267 --> 00:24:39,895
I pull the tassel pin,
509
00:24:40,395 --> 00:24:41,980
count to ten, and you go boom.
510
00:24:42,397 --> 00:24:43,482
That's a tampon.
511
00:24:43,565 --> 00:24:45,275
What kind of tampon has a tassel?
512
00:24:45,775 --> 00:24:48,028
This is a ladybomb.
513
00:24:49,112 --> 00:24:52,240
A pocket-sized and discreet
explosive device
514
00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:56,328
that I've been developing to protect
women from assholes like you.
515
00:24:56,953 --> 00:25:00,248
Five times more effective than mace
and pepper spray. Patent pending.
516
00:25:00,457 --> 00:25:01,750
You're bluffing.
517
00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:03,376
Only one way to find out.
518
00:25:03,460 --> 00:25:05,212
[music intensifies]
519
00:25:20,685 --> 00:25:22,062
Ten,
520
00:25:22,521 --> 00:25:23,897
nine,
521
00:25:23,980 --> 00:25:25,106
eight...
522
00:25:25,190 --> 00:25:27,943
Well, seven, six...
523
00:25:28,276 --> 00:25:29,653
It's gonna blow!
524
00:25:31,238 --> 00:25:32,238
Five...
525
00:25:36,243 --> 00:25:37,452
Three,
526
00:25:37,536 --> 00:25:38,912
two,
527
00:25:38,995 --> 00:25:39,995
one.
528
00:25:59,015 --> 00:26:01,560
Shit! It was a goddamn tampon!
529
00:26:08,275 --> 00:26:10,277
[moaning and rattling]
530
00:26:31,923 --> 00:26:32,923
Stella Rose?
531
00:26:33,049 --> 00:26:35,385
- Coralee?
- What the hell are you doing here?
532
00:26:35,719 --> 00:26:38,305
- Just help me!
- Okay, where's the key?
533
00:26:41,474 --> 00:26:44,102
Okay. I'm coming.
534
00:26:44,352 --> 00:26:45,895
How did you end up down here?
535
00:26:45,979 --> 00:26:50,317
That sick bastard found me in the woods
and kept me tied up like this for months.
536
00:26:50,775 --> 00:26:53,945
Callin' me Mama, putting on makeup,
giving me sponge baths.
537
00:26:54,029 --> 00:26:56,156
It was like Kathy Bates in Misery!
538
00:26:56,740 --> 00:26:57,866
Only not as hot.
539
00:26:58,658 --> 00:27:00,327
He would've killed me if... Oh!
540
00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:01,786
- [groans]
- What is it?
541
00:27:01,870 --> 00:27:05,123
Okay, you just sit there
and I'll find something for you to...
542
00:27:05,206 --> 00:27:08,293
Much... Maybe... this.
543
00:27:08,710 --> 00:27:10,712
- Okay.
- What are you doing here?
544
00:27:11,046 --> 00:27:14,674
He tried to force me to get an abortion,
which I still might get,
545
00:27:14,758 --> 00:27:18,678
but I'm not gonna let a demented asshole
make that decision for me! Here we go.
546
00:27:18,762 --> 00:27:20,680
- [Stella Rose] Okay.
- Careful!
547
00:27:21,264 --> 00:27:24,309
Okay, easy. I got you.
We're gonna get out of here.
548
00:27:24,392 --> 00:27:26,394
- [door creaks open]
- [gasps]
549
00:27:28,396 --> 00:27:29,439
He's coming.
550
00:27:30,023 --> 00:27:32,609
[doctor] It was a tampon, you bitch!
551
00:27:33,151 --> 00:27:34,819
I'm gonna kill you.
552
00:27:48,625 --> 00:27:51,044
Mama! Where are you, Mama?
553
00:27:56,216 --> 00:27:57,217
[exhales]
554
00:28:07,811 --> 00:28:08,853
Gotcha!
555
00:28:08,937 --> 00:28:10,105
[screaming]
556
00:28:10,188 --> 00:28:12,607
[grunting]
557
00:28:14,693 --> 00:28:17,320
[screaming]
558
00:28:18,363 --> 00:28:20,156
[gasping]
559
00:28:21,491 --> 00:28:22,491
Don't.
560
00:28:23,410 --> 00:28:24,577
You're not a killer.
561
00:28:25,912 --> 00:28:27,372
There's better ways to handle this.
562
00:28:27,455 --> 00:28:28,873
[groans]
563
00:28:28,957 --> 00:28:29,957
You fucker!
564
00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:36,714
Okay.
565
00:28:38,133 --> 00:28:41,553
I'm stuck with this maniac for months,
and you outsmart him with a tampon?
566
00:28:41,636 --> 00:28:42,637
[laughs]
567
00:28:43,471 --> 00:28:44,889
Bob chose the right woman.
568
00:28:53,648 --> 00:28:55,859
Thank you, Stella Rose.
569
00:28:57,318 --> 00:29:00,113
And thank you for saving me
from myself back there.
570
00:29:00,196 --> 00:29:01,573
You're right. I'm not a killer.
571
00:29:02,741 --> 00:29:05,702
If you really want to thank me, leave.
572
00:29:06,286 --> 00:29:07,286
And please...
573
00:29:07,495 --> 00:29:08,997
don't tell anyone you saw me.
574
00:29:09,289 --> 00:29:10,874
I need a fresh start.
575
00:29:10,957 --> 00:29:12,625
Shouldn't we get you to the hospital,
576
00:29:12,709 --> 00:29:14,836
or find a way to call the police?
577
00:29:14,919 --> 00:29:16,713
No. No, you go.
578
00:29:17,714 --> 00:29:19,924
I've got business to attend to here.
579
00:29:22,343 --> 00:29:24,053
I said you weren't a killer.
580
00:29:26,264 --> 00:29:27,474
Not me.
581
00:29:39,736 --> 00:29:42,614
Hey! Where have you been?
I was getting worried about you.
582
00:29:42,906 --> 00:29:45,825
How could you do that to Bob?
Throwing him under the bus like that.
583
00:29:45,909 --> 00:29:46,993
You're ruining everything!
584
00:29:47,076 --> 00:29:48,836
What are you talking about?
He's my opponent.
585
00:29:49,037 --> 00:29:52,332
You care about him. You need to apologize.
586
00:29:52,415 --> 00:29:53,415
[chuckles]
587
00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:55,877
Apologize? Whose side are you on?
588
00:29:56,127 --> 00:29:58,880
[Rudy] I didn't want to be on a side.
I wanted to be in the middle.
589
00:29:58,963 --> 00:30:00,840
Let's talk about this after the debate.
590
00:30:01,633 --> 00:30:04,803
I booked a room at the Halfway Inn.
591
00:30:06,262 --> 00:30:07,263
See you there?
592
00:30:11,726 --> 00:30:13,061
I'm rooting for you.
593
00:30:29,327 --> 00:30:30,912
[Armstrong] Where the hell was Angie?
594
00:30:31,454 --> 00:30:33,206
I hated that I was letting her down.
595
00:30:33,289 --> 00:30:34,290
[Rudy] Knock, knock.
596
00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:38,545
- How's my favorite candidate holding up?
- Rudy, what are you doing here?
597
00:30:38,628 --> 00:30:41,297
I wanted to check in with you
after what just happened out there.
598
00:30:41,673 --> 00:30:42,673
Why?
599
00:30:42,882 --> 00:30:45,426
Because it was a low blow.
600
00:30:45,802 --> 00:30:47,679
I can't believe Bob would do that to you.
601
00:30:47,762 --> 00:30:48,888
And why do you care?
602
00:30:48,972 --> 00:30:53,476
Ever since that day in the steam room,
I haven't stopped thinking about you.
603
00:30:54,561 --> 00:30:55,812
- Really?
- Really.
604
00:30:57,355 --> 00:31:01,067
I booked a room for me and Bob
at the Halfway Inn for after the debate,
605
00:31:01,150 --> 00:31:05,113
but after the stunt he just pulled,
I don't think we're gonna work out.
606
00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:07,282
It'd be a shame to let the room
go to waste.
607
00:31:08,241 --> 00:31:11,286
Why don't you meet me up there?
608
00:31:18,459 --> 00:31:19,460
I'm rooting for you.
609
00:31:20,211 --> 00:31:21,211
Okay.
610
00:31:26,676 --> 00:31:28,386
Here. Take this.
611
00:31:28,469 --> 00:31:29,512
Or I will.
612
00:31:30,221 --> 00:31:32,599
Now, what the hell
was Detective Cruz doing here?
613
00:31:32,682 --> 00:31:36,352
- Does he know something about the swamp?
- No! He was hitting on me.
614
00:31:36,769 --> 00:31:37,769
Bullshit.
615
00:31:38,479 --> 00:31:40,690
Barnard sent him in here
to mess with your head.
616
00:31:40,773 --> 00:31:41,774
You think?
617
00:31:41,941 --> 00:31:44,027
Yeah! He's playing dirty!
618
00:31:44,110 --> 00:31:45,653
And now you've gotta play dirty, too.
619
00:31:46,070 --> 00:31:48,281
You have to, or I'm going to jail.
620
00:31:48,364 --> 00:31:50,825
Haven't you and Barnard known
each other since you were kids?
621
00:31:50,909 --> 00:31:54,454
You must have something
on that man-groomed douche nozzle.
622
00:31:54,537 --> 00:31:55,955
I dunno. He's got pec implants?
623
00:31:57,165 --> 00:31:59,208
There's nothing wrong with implants, Bob.
624
00:31:59,292 --> 00:32:00,585
He cries every time he comes.
625
00:32:00,668 --> 00:32:02,045
Didn't need to know that.
626
00:32:02,128 --> 00:32:06,007
He calls Kevin James
the funniest man alive...
627
00:32:06,090 --> 00:32:10,470
Oh, my God! He eats potato chips so loud.
628
00:32:10,553 --> 00:32:11,846
It is like... It's flames...
629
00:32:11,930 --> 00:32:13,264
- Bob, come on!
- Flames...
630
00:32:13,640 --> 00:32:15,516
I need something juicy, you know?
631
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:19,187
Like Watergate or Wienergate or Pizzagate.
632
00:32:19,979 --> 00:32:21,648
He can't be as perfect as he seems.
633
00:32:24,484 --> 00:32:25,484
He's not.
634
00:32:25,985 --> 00:32:27,695
Oh, my God. You have something.
635
00:32:27,987 --> 00:32:29,697
No, it's nothing we can use.
636
00:32:29,781 --> 00:32:31,282
Bob, please.
637
00:32:31,366 --> 00:32:32,951
- No, I can't.
- We have...
638
00:32:33,034 --> 00:32:35,536
I made him a promise
that I would never tell.
639
00:32:36,079 --> 00:32:39,123
Mom, how could you not tell me
that Barnard was draining the swamp?
640
00:32:39,624 --> 00:32:41,584
Patty! What are you...
641
00:32:41,668 --> 00:32:43,211
Patty knows! You said she didn't!
642
00:32:43,294 --> 00:32:44,379
Of course I know! You knew?
643
00:32:44,462 --> 00:32:46,547
[stammering] Uh... I had to tell him.
644
00:32:46,798 --> 00:32:49,342
[Patty] What would Bob think of me,
now he knew I killed again?
645
00:32:49,759 --> 00:32:51,094
Did you tell him about the gun?
646
00:32:51,386 --> 00:32:52,595
- What gun?
- Your gun.
647
00:32:52,679 --> 00:32:54,138
That I used!
648
00:32:55,348 --> 00:32:56,432
To kill those men.
649
00:32:56,516 --> 00:32:58,476
My gun? Oh, my God!
650
00:32:58,559 --> 00:33:01,104
I did not give you my gun
to kill drug dealers!
651
00:33:01,187 --> 00:33:04,315
I know. I should've told you,
but I was trying to protect you.
652
00:33:04,649 --> 00:33:06,234
What in the hell is going on here?
653
00:33:06,359 --> 00:33:09,070
I am sorry that I lied, but...
And now you know!
654
00:33:09,654 --> 00:33:10,654
If...
655
00:33:11,948 --> 00:33:14,117
If you don't win,
we could both go to jail.
656
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:15,785
[Patty] We could all go to jail.
657
00:33:16,119 --> 00:33:17,203
So I'mma ask you again.
658
00:33:17,537 --> 00:33:20,415
What kind of dirt do you have
on Bob Barnard?
659
00:33:28,381 --> 00:33:30,299
He paid Stella Rose hush money
660
00:33:30,383 --> 00:33:35,013
to keep his paternity to Roxy a secret
for the past 20 years.
661
00:33:36,472 --> 00:33:37,592
[Shelby] Are you kiddin' me?
662
00:33:37,724 --> 00:33:40,309
Why would Coralee ruin her own product?
663
00:33:41,019 --> 00:33:42,019
She didn't.
664
00:33:42,478 --> 00:33:44,564
Look at this place split down the middle.
665
00:33:44,647 --> 00:33:45,647
They were at war.
666
00:33:45,940 --> 00:33:47,150
Bob did it!
667
00:33:48,192 --> 00:33:49,694
Regina! Are you okay?
668
00:33:49,777 --> 00:33:52,196
No! Goddamn it!
669
00:33:53,156 --> 00:33:57,076
[screams] Oh, I'm so sick of that fucker
ruining everything!
670
00:33:58,661 --> 00:34:00,663
You mean Dixie losing
671
00:34:00,747 --> 00:34:04,333
and you going to prison
and losing your house?
672
00:34:05,293 --> 00:34:09,630
Bob Armstrong ruined my entire life
since I was eight!
673
00:34:10,048 --> 00:34:12,467
We were friends, best friends.
674
00:34:12,884 --> 00:34:15,928
He was the only person who knew
I still wet the bed.
675
00:34:16,220 --> 00:34:20,141
And then one day we got into a fight,
and he told everyone!
676
00:34:20,725 --> 00:34:24,228
And after that day,
my whole life went to shit!
677
00:34:24,729 --> 00:34:27,648
I became a pariah at school.
We had to move!
678
00:34:28,066 --> 00:34:29,442
My parents got divorced,
679
00:34:29,525 --> 00:34:33,571
and Mama started whorin' around
and got syphilis and lost her mind.
680
00:34:34,238 --> 00:34:35,698
I was all alone.
681
00:34:36,741 --> 00:34:38,701
Until I stole Dixie.
682
00:34:39,243 --> 00:34:43,289
And then she lost that pageant,
and he started to ruin her whole life too.
683
00:34:43,372 --> 00:34:45,208
And I tried taking him down,
684
00:34:45,291 --> 00:34:49,337
but he just keeps on keeping on!
685
00:34:49,545 --> 00:34:51,089
Well, fuck him then!
686
00:34:51,756 --> 00:34:52,840
Where's the bathroom?
687
00:34:52,965 --> 00:34:54,967
Wait! What are you doing?
688
00:34:55,051 --> 00:34:57,428
I'm gonna teach him a lesson,
prison style.
689
00:34:57,804 --> 00:34:59,430
I'm gonna give him an upper decker.
690
00:34:59,514 --> 00:35:01,557
Don't. Trust me.
691
00:35:02,016 --> 00:35:04,435
Oh, I got something better
in mind for Bob.
692
00:35:04,644 --> 00:35:07,313
I've been planning it for quite some time.
693
00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:11,984
On second thought, do whatever you want.
694
00:35:12,068 --> 00:35:13,361
I'm gonna go get the car.
695
00:35:21,536 --> 00:35:23,830
[applause]
696
00:35:23,913 --> 00:35:25,790
[Bob] Halftime is almost over.
697
00:35:25,873 --> 00:35:28,167
Could I really do what I was about to do?
698
00:35:28,251 --> 00:35:30,044
Ruin Bob Barnard forever?
699
00:35:31,337 --> 00:35:33,506
But maybe this is what he deserved.
700
00:35:33,589 --> 00:35:35,508
It was true, after all.
701
00:35:40,221 --> 00:35:43,558
Just a ghost from his past,
come back to haunt him.
702
00:35:45,017 --> 00:35:47,478
[crowd gasps and cheers]
703
00:35:47,562 --> 00:35:48,646
Ta-da!
704
00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:51,274
Thank you. Thank you.
705
00:35:52,567 --> 00:35:54,819
Thank you so much,
Literally Black Girl Magic.
706
00:35:55,236 --> 00:35:57,238
And now for the final
portion of our debate.
707
00:35:57,321 --> 00:36:00,908
Would Mr. Armstrong and Mr. Barnard
please return to the stage.
708
00:36:02,952 --> 00:36:05,352
We all just saw the candidates'
children performing together,
709
00:36:05,788 --> 00:36:07,957
which leads me to ask, Bob Armstrong,
710
00:36:08,291 --> 00:36:10,084
how important is family to you?
711
00:36:12,378 --> 00:36:14,630
[Armstrong] Bella couldn't have
lobbed me a better pitch.
712
00:36:14,755 --> 00:36:16,591
All I had to do was swing.
713
00:36:16,674 --> 00:36:19,969
You know, Barnard and I,
we both have families.
714
00:36:20,428 --> 00:36:21,596
And...
715
00:36:22,597 --> 00:36:24,015
I think...
716
00:36:24,098 --> 00:36:25,850
that family values...
717
00:36:27,268 --> 00:36:28,686
are subjective.
718
00:36:30,730 --> 00:36:31,856
[Armstrong] Just say it.
719
00:36:31,939 --> 00:36:35,610
[clears through]
It's a great responsibility
720
00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:38,362
to have a child, and...
721
00:36:39,614 --> 00:36:42,116
everyone handles that differently.
722
00:36:44,368 --> 00:36:47,038
[Armstrong] Grab some sack and go for it,
you chicken shit!
723
00:36:47,121 --> 00:36:48,497
What the hell is wrong with you?
724
00:36:48,581 --> 00:36:50,208
Angie could go to jail!
725
00:36:50,291 --> 00:36:51,291
You could go to jail!
726
00:36:51,334 --> 00:36:52,668
Everybody makes mistakes.
727
00:36:55,254 --> 00:36:56,839
As parents,
728
00:36:56,923 --> 00:36:58,007
as people,
729
00:36:58,674 --> 00:37:00,635
as parents of people...
730
00:37:00,718 --> 00:37:02,011
Oh, for fuck's sake!
731
00:37:03,137 --> 00:37:05,556
Bob Barnard has been paying
hush money to...
732
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:06,640
[shushing]
733
00:37:07,391 --> 00:37:08,559
Let her speak!
734
00:37:08,809 --> 00:37:10,269
Stop muzzling that woman!
735
00:37:10,603 --> 00:37:11,603
[crowd] Yes!
736
00:37:12,188 --> 00:37:14,565
Boo!
737
00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:17,568
[Patty] It had all backfired.
738
00:37:17,652 --> 00:37:20,696
Armstrong would lose,
Barnard would drain the swamp,
739
00:37:20,780 --> 00:37:23,157
and how long before they found out
I killed those guys?
740
00:37:23,241 --> 00:37:24,450
We were all going down.
741
00:37:24,867 --> 00:37:26,619
Where is Rudy Cruz?
742
00:37:26,994 --> 00:37:28,371
[Barnard] What the hell? Coralee?
743
00:37:28,454 --> 00:37:32,250
He kidnapped me and then tried
to force me to have an abortion!
744
00:37:32,625 --> 00:37:33,625
[Armstrong] Abortion?
745
00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:35,878
[Barnard] She's pregnant!
Who's the father?
746
00:37:37,755 --> 00:37:39,382
Detective Cruz, you're under arrest!
747
00:37:39,465 --> 00:37:40,341
[screams]
748
00:37:40,424 --> 00:37:41,509
Come here!
749
00:37:43,010 --> 00:37:44,553
- [crowd gasps]
- Okay.
750
00:37:45,721 --> 00:37:47,181
I did it for you, Bob!
751
00:37:47,265 --> 00:37:48,432
I did it for you both!
752
00:37:49,517 --> 00:37:51,811
I was waiting until later
for my romantic gesture, but...
753
00:37:53,187 --> 00:37:54,230
I guess this is it!
754
00:37:56,107 --> 00:37:57,441
I love you... both!
755
00:37:58,359 --> 00:38:00,152
And I want us all to be together.
756
00:38:02,363 --> 00:38:03,363
Baby...
757
00:38:03,739 --> 00:38:05,533
put down the gun.
758
00:38:05,992 --> 00:38:07,326
I love you too.
759
00:38:07,743 --> 00:38:08,744
I do.
760
00:38:09,495 --> 00:38:13,582
And I am sure that we can make this work.
Isn't that right, Bob?
761
00:38:13,666 --> 00:38:15,042
Uh, okay...
762
00:38:16,127 --> 00:38:17,128
[Barnard] You see?
763
00:38:17,211 --> 00:38:18,296
It...
764
00:38:20,256 --> 00:38:21,382
Oh, God.
765
00:38:21,882 --> 00:38:23,134
Oh, I'm gonna faint.
766
00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:26,178
- No! Don't you faint!
- Oh, no. Here I go.
767
00:38:26,929 --> 00:38:28,931
- [Coralee] Damn it!
- No, no!
768
00:38:29,015 --> 00:38:30,766
Neither one of you, goddamn it!
769
00:38:30,850 --> 00:38:33,060
Snort this! Now! Snort it!
770
00:38:36,188 --> 00:38:38,107
[Armstrong] I wasn't sure
what I was gonna do.
771
00:38:40,276 --> 00:38:43,029
But after hours of watching
Patty's capoeira rehearsals,
772
00:38:43,904 --> 00:38:45,740
I guess I'd picked up a thing or two.
773
00:38:45,823 --> 00:38:47,366
[crowd gasps]
774
00:38:49,744 --> 00:38:52,413
[crowd cheering and whistling]
775
00:39:00,588 --> 00:39:02,631
[chanting] Armstrong! Armstrong!
776
00:39:02,715 --> 00:39:05,968
Armstrong! Armstrong! Armstrong!
777
00:39:06,135 --> 00:39:07,678
Armstrong! Armstrong!
778
00:39:08,137 --> 00:39:10,097
Armstrong! Armstrong!
779
00:39:10,181 --> 00:39:12,350
Armstrong! Armstrong!
780
00:39:12,433 --> 00:39:14,060
Armstrong! Armstrong!
781
00:39:14,143 --> 00:39:16,145
[crowd gasps]
782
00:39:23,152 --> 00:39:27,365
Armstrong! Armstrong!
Armstrong! Armstrong!
783
00:39:32,620 --> 00:39:34,205
Thank God, it's here!
784
00:39:34,288 --> 00:39:35,664
Well, at least on the bright side,
785
00:39:35,748 --> 00:39:37,875
Patty texted you
so you'd know where it was.
786
00:39:37,958 --> 00:39:39,710
And you get to keep your job.
787
00:39:40,336 --> 00:39:42,338
Yeah, your friend's a real saint.
788
00:39:44,090 --> 00:39:45,716
Look, I'm so sorry.
789
00:39:46,258 --> 00:39:47,301
About all of this.
790
00:39:47,385 --> 00:39:48,928
No. It's okay. I...
791
00:39:50,221 --> 00:39:52,890
I actually had a really fun time
with you today.
792
00:39:53,724 --> 00:39:54,724
Me, too.
793
00:40:08,239 --> 00:40:10,741
So can I, like,
take you to dinner or something?
794
00:40:11,158 --> 00:40:12,743
- I'm starving.
- Yes.
795
00:40:23,087 --> 00:40:24,547
[brakes screech]
796
00:40:25,589 --> 00:40:27,216
[cawing]
797
00:40:27,299 --> 00:40:29,301
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
798
00:40:29,718 --> 00:40:30,970
Is that an ostrich?
799
00:40:33,305 --> 00:40:34,557
[phone beeps]
800
00:40:37,601 --> 00:40:39,746
- [Jade] Is that yours?
- [Nonnie] This is Patty's purse,
801
00:40:39,770 --> 00:40:41,689
but this isn't Patty's phone.
802
00:40:42,398 --> 00:40:43,274
Who's that?
803
00:40:43,357 --> 00:40:46,527
Her stalker ex-boyfriend, Christian.
804
00:40:47,027 --> 00:40:49,780
But why the hell would Patty
have Christian's phone?
805
00:40:52,741 --> 00:40:54,785
[Patty] It seemed like
Bob was a lock to win
806
00:40:54,869 --> 00:40:56,996
and locking lips with my mom.
807
00:40:57,079 --> 00:40:59,290
Weird, but also kind of sweet.
808
00:40:59,373 --> 00:41:02,585
Maybe my mom and I could both leave
the ghost of our pasts behind.
809
00:41:03,919 --> 00:41:04,919
Boo.