[bell ringing]
- [laughing]
Darling, I am in the most beautiful classroom
I have ever seen.
You can just feel the science and the learning.
And I'm looking at some of the most breathlessly exciting,
young students.
Explore the school, darlin'.
I'll talk to you soon.
My God.
What a stunning young woman with such fashion sense.
Where did you get that blouse? I must know.
- My dog was Mrs. Doubtfire for Halloween.
- I doubt he pulled it off half as well as you have.
Look at you. What's your name, good sir?
- Victor Kozlowski. - A fellow Pol.
- To assume all names ending in "ski" are Polish
is actually a pretty common mistake.
They can also be Russian, Czech, even Slovakian.
- Hmm. Don't like that so much.
All right. Now, where's my son Jack?
It's not like him to be late, I imagine.
- Whoa. Are you Mister Mr. Griffin?
- I suppose I am. - Holy shit.
[The Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]
- * One, two, three, four *
* Next time, I'll listen to my heart *
* Next time, well, I'll be smart *
* *
- And that's why you're afraid of belly buttons?
- Not other people's. Just mine.
- Brave young man.
[cell phone rings]
My love. I see.
Is there a name on it?
Well, then I say the yogurt is yours. [laughs]
Be safe, my love. Ta-ta.
- Okay, so you're sliding into first
and you feel something burst.
Sure, got that.
But then you're sliding into second
and you feel the toilet beckon?
We're assuming that the toilet wants this?
Like, ew. - No.
- I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm Celes.
So, I'm a witch and I was curious.
Is one of you a water sign?
- I'm a water sign. Scorpio. - I knew it.
- Okay. Yes to all of this.
Please sit immediately. [laughs]
- So I can tell you're all intuitive spirits.
- That's true.
- One time, I had a dream that a dog was killed.
Guess what was on the news when I woke up.
- A dog was killed?
- Yep. Bin Laden had been shot.
Dirty little dog.
- Do you guys want to get into some real stuff?
- Ohh, yes, we do.
- I could show you a glimpse of your life
at the high point of the next full moon.
- When is that?
- Exactly 48 hours from now.
No, wait. That math's not right. Okay.
58--okay. A day is 24, minus--
It's sometime Saturday night.
all: Ooh!
- Stare into the stone and concentrate.
And remember, what you see is yours and yours alone.
Now, close your eyes and glimpse your future.
For it has already been written.
[all scream]
- Oh, that's not good.
- So, little Jack says,
"Daddy, I'm not asking to leave the party
"because of my bloody nose.
I also wet my pwants!" [laughter]
- Hey, what's with all the chuckles?
Dad?
- [laughs] Jack Sprat.
My God, look how big you are.
- I've been this size for over 20 years.
What--what are you doing here?
- I received your heartfelt letter, with your forgiveness,
your love, your apology for your role in our estrangement.
- Okay, well, first of all, I don't forgive you
for abandoning us, and second of all,
I sure as hell didn't write that letter.
- We wrote that letter, but we didn't send it.
It was just supposed to be a threat.
- Should we discuss this in private?
- Oh, no. No.
You can speak in front of them.
You see, I treat my students with respect and transparency
because, unlike you,
I don't believe the people in my life are disposable.
- Do you know my name?
- Yeah.
Let's circle back on it.
- I'm still processing that you didn't write this letter.
But you know, it's never too late to start anew.
I'm gonna hold you now.
- Why? No. Let's--
- I hate to see a hug go to waste.
I'll take that action.
- It would be my pleasure, Caleb.
All right.
Listen, Jack. I'm sorry.
But the person who abandoned you and your mother
was not yet a man.
- You were 32.
Nicholas, right?
- All right. All right, Caleb.
Yes, I was 32. But spiritually, I was just a child.
I finally became complete when my beloved fiancée Celes,
and her gorgeous son Max came into my life.
- Mm. So what you're saying
is that my mom wasn't the right woman,
and I wasn't the right son.
Can you imagine how furious I would be
if I actually cared what you thought?
- Hey. Got bored in the car.
- Max, my boy. [chuckles]
Oh, you have little beads of glass in your sweater.
Did you--
- Broke the window to get out.
- You know, we can just get out from the inside, remember?
With the handle?
- Did I mess up? Do you not want to be my dad anymore?
- Nothing would ever make me feel that way.
No one has ever loved anyone more than I love you, Max--
than I love both of my boys.
- That's my big brother? - [laughs]
- What is this? What's happening?
- [laughs] Straight to roughhousing.
Are these two brothers or what?
- Wait. John, tell him I don't want it.
I don't know what this is, but I don't want it.
I don't want it. I--
[grunting] [John laughs]
[struggling efforts]
Dan, save me!
- I'm sorry, Mr. G.
I can't step in when it's a kid.
- When I woke up, the cold Rocky Mountain air
had turned my hot tub to pure ice.
And it trapped me from the waist down,
and I knew that if I had to catch something to eat,
I was gonna have to hold very still.
I'm sorry. What did you ask?
- The bathroom. - Oh, right.
Oh, it's up at the top of the stairs.
Hey, but before you go,
there are some rumors swirling
that you can show people their futures?
- In a sense. - What about the past?
- I have to go real bad.
- 'Cause the closeness I have with that beautiful man,
it could only have been forged over lifetimes.
And I want to know whether Ralph Durbin
and I knew each other in a former life.
- It's possible. - Oh, yes. Do it, do it, do it.
Zap me!
- If I had time,
I would guide you through a lengthy visualization
where you walk down a stairwell that exists in all our minds,
open a door to your past life.
- Oh, that's what those stairs are for?
Oh. I got it from here.
You can go take your number two.
- Oh, that's not-- - Shh, honey, I know.
That's my gift.
Enjoy.
Okay, now. Where are those stairs at?
Okay. [thud]
Ah, I hear that.
Oh, yeah. And here's the door, and--
Hello, there! [Renaissance music]
Here are 50 farthings for 10 bales of hay over there.
Uh, no. There's only nine here. I paid for 10.
No, my horse didn't eat 'em.
[slams desk] Can I speak to the manager, please?
[clattering]
Excuse me, ma'am.
Okay, buster, I got a bone to pick with you.
Oh, my dear crap. Ralph?
- Look at my boys. It's fun to see 'em so happy.
- Die!
- Ohh!
Good one, Jack!
- [growls] - No, no!
- That ruled.
- Here you go, kiddo.
Round one for Jack.
- Get out!
- Will do.
But Jack, I truly have changed.
We're gonna stay through the weekend,
and if you can find it in your heart
to spend an evening with me and Celes and Max,
I've given Nicholas my number.
Let's go, bud.
- Yeah, right.
"I've changed. I've changed, Jack."
No, you know what? He hasn't changed.
Let me tell you, this is the guy
who took an extended business trip
during my mom's entire pregnancy.
- Yeah, I got bad vibes from him too.
- Oh, well, now I don't know what to think.
- Human are complex creatures capable of growth.
Maybe he really wants to reconcile.
- I've given him chances, Vic. Okay? Trust me.
When I--when I turned 21, I asked him to meet me
for a scotch, and he said, "Yes".
But then he stood me up.
Okay, so, excuse me if I don't believe that he just meets
some woman and suddenly, he's a different person.
- Well, not suddenly.
They've been engaged for four years.
- [laughs]
- They've been engaged? For four years?
Okay, let me tell you guys something.
That wedding's never gonna happen. Okay?
The day they set a date is the day my dad splits.
They set a date, he splits.
And everyone sees what a phony he is.
[laughs] Ah.
I'm gonna need that number, Chief.
- Are you calling me Chief because--
- Yeah, 'cause I forgot it.
Just give the number and don't bust my balls, Chief.
[light music]
* *
- Jack, it's so nice of you to have invited us
into your home. - Aw.
- Mmm. - Spaghetti with meat sauce
for you. - Mm-hmm.
- And the vegan option for Celes.
Say when.
- I'll admit after how things went in the classroom today,
I didn't expect your call.
It means a lot, you know, that type of gesture.
- Oh, hey, bud.
Whatcha got there? A tree branch?
- I didn't take it from anybody.
It's mine. Can I go play with it?
- Uh, yeah, sure.
Oh, inside. You're gonna--
- He's showing off for you.
- Uh-huh. Well, it's working. [chuckles]
Hey, so guys, tell me something.
What you got planned for the wedding?
- Well, we haven't set anything.
- Well, not yet.
- But obviously,
we want a ceremony in the modern mystic tradition.
- Oh, okay. And what exactly would that look like?
- Well, my friend Bernar would officiate.
He's a chaos magician.
- And an excellent accountant.
- Oh.
- It would start with a meditation.
And then we'll cleanse our hands in a bath of rue.
That's a herb that promotes love.
- Well, listen, you gotta have tons of rue, you know.
I guess my only question is why wait?
- Excuse me?
- You know, why not get married this weekend?
I mean, didn't you say it was a full moon this weekend, right?
That's probably something, right?
- Yeah, yeah. It's very auspicious.
- So auspicious. [chuckles]
Dad?
- [laughs] Uhh--I--
I love it. I adore it.
Of course, we'll have to make sure that Bernar is available.
And, um, well, we would need a clearing.
- Oh, Toledo's jam packed with clearings.
You need a clearing? I'll get you a clearing.
- Could I keep this faucet? - Yeah, why not?
Hey, Max, listen.
You want John and your mom to get married this weekend?
- I'm not wearing a hat. All right?
- Well, all right! Max is in.
Wow. Would you look at that?
This is great. [laughs]
The old man's getting married.
- Okay. I can't hold it in anymore.
I am freaking out.
In my vision, I was dead.
It was just pure blackness. - [gasps]
- Mine was just as bad as that.
I was eating a grilled cheese sandwich!
And I didn't see a gun to my head,
which is the only way I would ever do that.
I don't really like grilled cheese sandwiches.
- Michelle, did you not just hear me say that I was dead?
But you know, maybe I can avoid it.
I guess I gotta start wearing my seat belt
like a frickin' dork.
- Uh, hey, ladies, um,
I assume you've all met my dad and that you love him?
all: Oh, yeah.
- He is amazing. - He's not amazing.
What are you guys doing on Saturday?
- Dying. - Eating grilled cheese.
- And what time are those things happening?
- At the high point of the full moon.
- Okay. Well, great. Mine's an afternoon thing.
Yeah, I'm gonna expose my dad as a fraud,
and it'd be really fun to have an audience there.
He's going to leave his witch girlfriend at the altar.
- You want me to spend my riskiest day
with a pissed witch and her furious coven?
- All right, you know what? Forget it.
Oh, hey, Rhonda! Wanna see a witch get owned?
- Hey, Mary, you haven't said a peep about your scary vision.
What did you see?
- It's not--not a big deal.
Um, I, I get hit in the head with a bongo drum.
- Oh. I mean,
I wouldn't volunteer to get hit in the head with a bongo drum,
but at least, it's not a change to the core of who you are.
Like my thing.
- Oh, my God, Michelle!
You're eating a damn sandwich!
- That I don't like very much!
Jeez! Ugh!
- All right, so listen, um, I lied about my vision.
I'm hooking up with a man.
And it was Keith!
- Michelle's husband Keith?
- And I'm telling you, I was all over his little ass.
[pounding]
- Good morning, Helen. Would you mind
sending the rabbit through the last hole?
- You're a grown man, Mr. Durbin.
I'm sure you can send the rabbit through your own hole.
- Uh-oh. Is this because you think
that I forgot your quarter birthday?
Because I didn't. There is a cookie cake
warming in a sun spot on my dashboard.
- Well, cookie cake can't feed my former horse!
- What?
- I did a past life regression, and I found out
that centuries ago, when we were peasants,
you sold me 10 bales of hay and all I got was nine.
Like I couldn't count. But I could count.
I had learned it the week before, and I was up to 14.
Which is more than enough to know
that nine is different than 10.
- Are you sure that your horse didn't eat it?
- For the more than fourteenth time,
my horse did not eat it.
Bye!
- Helen, come on. - [slamming stapler]
Ouch.
* *
- That shirt Brooks Brothers?
Yeah.
Oof, looks like the groom's running a little late.
Who could have seen that coming, huh?
[laughs]
- Hey! Oh, my.
What a sight.
I feel like I'm in a dream, and you made it happen.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I had to find the perfect boutonnière for Max.
Look. It's your favorite color.
What's wrong, my boy?
- Just reminded of the time
that you didn't get me a boutonnière for my prom.
- Hey, look. I know that milestones were missed.
But hey, I didn't forget this time. Huh?
- Oh, nice. - Yeah.
- Hey, let me just put this over here.
- Oh. My boys are peas in a pod.
Hey. Okay. Okay.
[laughs]
All right.
Time to marry the woman of my dreams.
Bernar.
[rings bell]
* *
[rings bell]
- [whispering indistinctly]
[somber music]
* *
- Well.
She's not coming.
- Screw this.
[people shouting]
* *
- Stef, are you sure we shouldn't wait out
your impending death at home?
- Girl, I don't have jalapeño poppers at home.
- Oh.
- [gasps] Sh! Sh!
Mary, don't move.
[humming]
[grunts]
I disabled the bongo. You're safe.
And, in other good news,
Keith's joining us. He's just parking now.
- Um, so, Michelle, my vision wasn't that I get hit
in the head with a bongo.
I'm about to make out with Keith.
- [gasps] Please don't!
- It's already written.
[dramatic sting]
- Oh, shoot.
- Oh! - Ooh!
- I'm so sorry. Just, please, don't move.
That was Bacardi 151. It's extremely flammable.
I'm required to inform you that if you get near
even a tiny flame, you'll immediately
be as charred as a campfire marshmallow.
[dramatic sting]
- I'll get napkins. - Okay.
- And I'll get a fire extinguisher
because our napkins are also extremely flammable.
I'm just gonna set this order right here for one second.
Oh, look, the full moon
is officially at its highest point.
[dramatic sting] - [gasps]
- Oh, Mary.
I gotta give you a squeeze.
- [chuckles] Hey, Keith.
[dramatic music]
* *
Wait. My earring's caught. Ow, ow.
Hold on, my earring's caught. Hold on. Ow, ooh!
* *
[people singing "Happy Birthday" in slow motion]
* *
- Everything's black. It's so dark.
[clapping]
- [gasps] - Stef, are you dead?
Mary? Keith?
You!
* *
No!
No! [groans]
[sobs]
I prefer cold cheese sandwiches.
[grumbling]
[bell rings]
- Knock, knock, knock.
Look, I'm sure that whatever happened between us
in the past life was a misunderstanding.
Let me go back and get to the bottom of it.
- Be my guest.
You know the stairs that are in your mind?
- Yeah. - Okay, you go down
that case of stairs,
and then you open that door,
and that's where your past life is.
- That's what those are for. Okay.
[mystical music]
* *
Oh, Greta, my good wife.
Thank you for the fresh yak's milk.
Oh, my hark, we have a customer.
Hail and well met, Edith.
- Yep. That's me. I'm Edith.
- Bale of hay, you say?
Are you sure your horse didn't eat it?
Seven, eight.
Oh, boo bos and barleycorn, she was right!
Here is the tenth bale. In Thomas' cart!
Knock, knock, knock. Edith, are you home?
I've an extra bale of hay here.
I'll just leave it inside of the door.
Oh, Greta. My God!
Oh. Oh.
- What happened? - I went to your hovel
and you were having revenge sex with my wife.
- What? I was not!
Well, I'm just gonna have to see for myself.
* *
What's up, Greta? Oh God, you're so hot.
- Oh. Oh. Helen, you--
- Oh, flatten me, Greta.
- Okay, well-- - Oh, Greta.
Yeah.
- Is there's a world where gentiles get Yom Kippur off?
Jeez, put a necktie on the doorknob, Helen.
- Oh, God, yeah.
- Well, my little chickadees,
I won.
- Wait, wait. He didn't show up?
- It was she who didn't show up.
all: Aww.
- He told me over breakfast.
He barely touched his frittata,
and he hardly spoke at the museum.
all: Aww.
- No, don't "aww" for him. Okay, he's a bad guy.
He deserves this. Oh, and get this.
He wants to get a drink with me tonight to talk about it.
I'm still trying to figure out the best way to mess with him.
- Or you could just get the drink.
The fact that he showed up at the wedding proves
that you were wrong about him.
Isn't this the chance to get the father-son scotch
you said you always wanted?
- No, Sarika. Okay?
I've made it this far without a real relationship with my dad.
Why--why would I start now?
I don't want that.
- Maybe you could go to watch him cry and make fun of him.
- Ha! [laughs]
I like that, Heather.
- So I guess I probably deserve to be stood up
after how crappy I was to you and your mom.
- Look, if I'm being honest,
I really hated the idea
of you finding happiness with another family.
- Well, happiness might be a bit of a stretch.
You know, the, uh, the witch thing was a lot.
- [chuckles] - Dress it up all you want.
It's still 90% rock collecting and drug abuse.
And Max is a constant challenge.
- What, uh, happened to him?
- He was left in a x-ray machine
for a weekend when he was little.
Technician took off and forgot about him.
- Tough stuff.
- Yeah.
So, Jack, I want to do better.
- Well, maybe this is a start.
Sorry, I just-- I have to ask you.
Why did you leave us in the end?
For real.
- I think I should have ordered a double. [laughs]
- Yeah, I'm serious though.
Mom never wanted to talk about it and I want to know.
- And I'm gonna tell you.
So here, get us another round.
If we're about to get into it, I gotta pee.
- Cool.
[chuckles]
[rock music playing on jukebox]
* *
- Sir, your guest just crawled out the bathroom window,
so you can settle up the bill whenever you're ready.
[somber music]
- I was right all along.
Oh, I called it.
I win. I win.
I win again.
[sighs]