1 00:00:07,924 --> 00:00:10,885 [dramatic music] 2 00:00:10,927 --> 00:00:12,637 * * 3 00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,973 - Riddle me this, my little nerds. 4 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:18,601 Who here has been to the Toledo Renaissance Faire? 5 00:00:20,103 --> 00:00:21,730 Yeah, that tracks. 6 00:00:21,771 --> 00:00:24,399 It turns out that getting more serious with Shayla 7 00:00:24,441 --> 00:00:26,818 means the occasional Ren Faire excursion 8 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,903 to drink mead with her brother 9 00:00:28,945 --> 00:00:31,197 who fancies himself a friar. 10 00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:33,241 Three flagons in yesterday, my phone died. 11 00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:35,326 I wasn't able to order us an Uber, 12 00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:37,704 because all of the crushed velvet deviants 13 00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:39,372 that work there claimed that they'd never heard 14 00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:41,249 of a "phone charger." 15 00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,460 Uh, "What magic dost thou speak of?" 16 00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:46,046 says the wizard wearing an Apple watch. 17 00:00:46,087 --> 00:00:47,464 Yeah, had to catch a ride home 18 00:00:47,505 --> 00:00:50,091 with a bunch of minstrels who had really committed 19 00:00:50,133 --> 00:00:52,552 to that era's lack of deodorant. 20 00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,429 The whole day was a nightmare, I'm telling you. 21 00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:56,139 But I will have my revenge 22 00:00:56,181 --> 00:00:58,433 before they leave town next week. 23 00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:00,018 And you all are gonna help me. 24 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,771 Okay, first off, it's important that we understand... 25 00:01:02,812 --> 00:01:04,939 - High school's that time when you're supposed to 26 00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:06,441 figure out who you are. 27 00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:08,777 But who is Victor Kozlowski? 28 00:01:08,818 --> 00:01:09,986 A nerd? 29 00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:12,238 A nice guy in a sweater? Sure. 30 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,367 A hopeless romantic who's never even been kissed? 31 00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:17,202 Guilty as charged. 32 00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:18,328 - Ideally, what we're looking for 33 00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:21,289 is someone who can work a forge. 34 00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,792 - Sorry to interrupt. Uh, Victor's mom called. 35 00:01:23,833 --> 00:01:25,377 - Yeah. 36 00:01:25,418 --> 00:01:26,961 Found your retainer again, huh, bud? 37 00:01:27,003 --> 00:01:28,129 Great. Keep us posted. 38 00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:31,007 - Gwen's way easier to define. 39 00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:33,468 She's my oldest buddy. 40 00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,470 The one who makes me laugh so hard 41 00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:38,515 Go-Gurt comes out of my nose. 42 00:01:38,556 --> 00:01:43,186 She's my safe place, for lack of a better term. 43 00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:44,854 - Now... [snaps fingers] 44 00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:46,773 Yeah, uh, Victor? Hi. Yeah. 45 00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:50,360 Um, listen, do you or do you not know how to joust? 46 00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:51,695 [Ramones' "We Want the Airwaves"] 47 00:01:51,736 --> 00:01:55,907 * * 48 00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:58,493 - * Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo * 49 00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:00,787 * Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo * 50 00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:03,081 * Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo * 51 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,667 * Doo-doo-doo * 52 00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:08,169 * * 53 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:13,800 - I guess I could be a maiden with squished cleavage? 54 00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:16,678 - That's it? No. Come on, guys, damn it. 55 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,471 If we're gonna get past this century 56 00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:20,473 slash parking attendant, 57 00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:22,851 then your characters need to be better defined. 58 00:02:22,892 --> 00:02:25,145 We need to go deeper with these characters' backstories, okay? 59 00:02:25,186 --> 00:02:26,354 That--that--that's what I'm saying. 60 00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:27,689 I'm thinking, like, um, 61 00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:30,025 like a harlequin with an addiction to mutton. 62 00:02:30,066 --> 00:02:33,570 Or like an earnest baker who survived the plague 63 00:02:33,611 --> 00:02:35,697 only to be run over by a corpse cart. 64 00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:38,700 - Boss, it's 8:30. - Oh, uh, okay. 65 00:02:38,742 --> 00:02:40,744 Time to hop over to city hall and get a permit 66 00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:43,204 to ride a donkey on the street. 67 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:47,208 - Sometimes in life, there's a before and an after. 68 00:02:47,250 --> 00:02:48,209 This is before. 69 00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:50,295 [phones chiming] 70 00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:51,880 - Oh, my God. 71 00:02:51,921 --> 00:02:56,468 Someone leaked hot, hot photos of Ashlanda schoolwide. 72 00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:59,262 - This is after. 73 00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:01,222 - I preferred their September leak. 74 00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:02,599 - The blue bikinis. 75 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:04,601 Cause of death, that photo. 76 00:03:04,642 --> 00:03:06,728 Time of death, when I saw it. 77 00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:08,396 - I can't believe somebody invaded 78 00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:10,565 their privacy like that. 79 00:03:10,607 --> 00:03:12,400 - You know they do this on purpose, right, 80 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,027 take a sexy photo, send it schoolwide 81 00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:16,029 so that everybody can see how hot they look? 82 00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:19,616 - I strive for mystery in my NSFW photos. 83 00:03:19,657 --> 00:03:24,537 Where's the soft lighting? Where's the come hither look? 84 00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:27,874 - Anthony, you've taken risqué photos? 85 00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:29,626 - Even I have. 86 00:03:29,668 --> 00:03:31,419 Just so there's something spicy to throw at the press 87 00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:33,213 when I become senator at 34. 88 00:03:33,254 --> 00:03:37,676 - When it comes to this stuff, I say, "Go hard or go home." 89 00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:39,719 Get it? 90 00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:40,845 If no one even nods or chuckles, 91 00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:42,889 then I look like a perv. 92 00:03:42,931 --> 00:03:44,391 Someone, please. 93 00:03:44,432 --> 00:03:46,893 Nod. Chuckle. 94 00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:50,105 - But the rest of you haven't done it yet, right? 95 00:03:50,146 --> 00:03:52,107 - I've never done one. 96 00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:53,983 [shutter snaps] 97 00:03:54,025 --> 00:03:56,111 Okay, now I did it. 98 00:03:56,152 --> 00:03:58,780 - Did you guys hear my joke? - What about you, Dan? 99 00:03:58,822 --> 00:04:00,657 You got any photos you wanna share? 100 00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:02,867 - Well, I'm more of an in-person kind of guy. 101 00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:05,286 I like to feel it. 102 00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:09,040 - Same. In-person gal. I wanna feel it. 103 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:12,377 - You all heard it, right? Go hard or go home? 104 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,671 But this time the hard is the... 105 00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:16,339 [gentle acoustic guitar] 106 00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:17,966 - One thing was clear. 107 00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:23,221 16 years old and I'd never felt more like a little boy. 108 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:26,641 While I questioned my manhood, Anthony and Grace 109 00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:28,852 were celebrating the women of Whitlock. 110 00:04:28,893 --> 00:04:31,563 It was part of Grace's duties on the student council, 111 00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:34,816 and Anthony was there because...well... 112 00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:37,152 - And that will get you out of gym. 113 00:04:37,193 --> 00:04:38,611 - Thank you. 114 00:04:38,653 --> 00:04:40,280 We're gonna start on the bulletin board in the hallway. 115 00:04:40,321 --> 00:04:41,531 - Ooh, that sounds good. 116 00:04:41,573 --> 00:04:43,241 I gotta get back to scraping the gum 117 00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:45,452 off the bottom of my desk. 118 00:04:45,493 --> 00:04:47,787 Oh, I don't know why I do this to myself. 119 00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:50,957 The garbage can is right there. 120 00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:53,668 - You know what these queens deserve? 121 00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:55,170 Neon. - [gasps] 122 00:04:55,211 --> 00:04:58,006 Get out of my head. And how about bubble letters? 123 00:04:58,048 --> 00:05:00,175 - Get out of my head. - I won't. I love it here. 124 00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:01,843 - I'm gonna put a couch in your head and take a nap. 125 00:05:01,885 --> 00:05:03,595 - I mean, what about a staycation at home? 126 00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:04,721 - That sounds fu-- would you want to do that? 127 00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:06,973 - Uh, yeah. - Helen. 128 00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:08,683 Dish on your weekend. 129 00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,685 Did you see your lady love? 130 00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:13,730 - I did. I got taken to the ballet. 131 00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:15,023 all: Ooh! 132 00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:16,608 - Yeah. Get this. 133 00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:18,526 All the performers were children. 134 00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:20,028 Just terrible ballet. 135 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:21,905 I mean, they were bumping into each other, 136 00:05:21,946 --> 00:05:24,657 they didn't know their moves, and it was a waste of a night. 137 00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:25,784 - Are you sure it wasn't her like, 138 00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:27,202 niece's recital or something? 139 00:05:27,243 --> 00:05:29,037 - Well, yeah, it did turn out to be that. 140 00:05:29,079 --> 00:05:32,540 So I just said some fake nice things about the bad ballet, 141 00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:34,793 and then we had some hot cocoa by the fire 142 00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:37,212 and smooched each other off. [laughs] 143 00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:38,838 Ooh. 144 00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:43,468 I'm sorry, I thought everyone was gonna go, "Ooh." 145 00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:45,970 - Well, I spent my weekend completely alone 146 00:05:46,012 --> 00:05:48,515 almost exclusively on the couch. 147 00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:50,266 Honestly, pretty epic weekend. 148 00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:51,601 [laughter] 149 00:05:51,643 --> 00:05:53,019 This guy knows what I'm talking about. 150 00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,396 - He knows. - She's right. [clears throat] 151 00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:55,730 She's right. Sorry. 152 00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:57,941 I have not used my voice since Friday when I said, 153 00:05:57,982 --> 00:06:00,443 "Don't worry about me; my weekend's packed." 154 00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:01,986 - Hey, remember our pact. 155 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:05,156 If neither of us is married by age 65... 156 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,574 - Double suicide. 157 00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,493 all: Ah! [laughter] 158 00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:10,704 - So sad. 159 00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:12,706 Do you think Principal Durbin and Ms. Wagner 160 00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:16,001 could ever, you know, be together? 161 00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:17,127 - If they were going to, 162 00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:19,045 wouldn't they have done it by now? 163 00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:22,382 - Sometimes love needs a little nudge. 164 00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:24,259 - So what about love? 165 00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,928 They say it's like having butterflies in your stomach, 166 00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:29,931 and sometimes, yeah, it feels like eating bugs 167 00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:32,517 would be easier than talking about it. 168 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:33,768 - Blood oath. 169 00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:35,603 Let's swear to never betray each other. 170 00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:37,230 - But we already did that last week 171 00:06:37,272 --> 00:06:38,773 with barbecue sauce. 172 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,568 - I guess I'm just hungry. 173 00:06:41,609 --> 00:06:44,529 [sultry rock music] 174 00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:52,203 * * 175 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,872 - Stare much? 176 00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:56,750 - Ashley and Amanda, they're brave. 177 00:06:56,791 --> 00:06:58,418 Brave with their bodies. 178 00:06:58,460 --> 00:07:01,921 - Ah, yes, showing side boob is a real profile in courage. 179 00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:05,300 - I've been thinking about taking some nudes of my own. 180 00:07:05,342 --> 00:07:07,344 - Yeah, totally. Totally. 181 00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:09,929 No, same here. Same here. 182 00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:14,142 Oh, oh, you're serious. Okay, cool. 183 00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:15,727 - Yeah, I'm serious. 184 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:18,646 Would you wanna 185 00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:22,025 maybe help me take some pics? [chuckles] 186 00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,235 - Come by the garage after school. 187 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,071 I'll try not to puke. 188 00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,406 [upbeat music] 189 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,116 - My plan was set in motion. 190 00:07:30,158 --> 00:07:31,868 But while I took a step forward, 191 00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:35,163 Principal Durbin was about to be on his heels. 192 00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:36,748 - Care to explain yourself, Durbs? 193 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:40,460 I found these on my desk signed, "Your loving Ralph." 194 00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:41,628 Please tell me you didn't actually 195 00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:43,380 make this strange, sentimental gesture. 196 00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:44,798 - Of course not. 197 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:46,883 I've never had the confidence to ask anyone out. 198 00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:49,344 I've only ever been asked out. It's happened twice. 199 00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:51,388 My now ex-wife 200 00:07:51,429 --> 00:07:53,848 and a very aggressive sex worker in Havana. 201 00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:57,394 - Hmm, I don't think that's getting "asked out." 202 00:07:57,435 --> 00:08:00,397 - Well, if Ralph didn't send it... 203 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:04,192 then who the heck did? 204 00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:07,862 [quirky music] 205 00:08:07,904 --> 00:08:10,448 - Sneaky little devils. 206 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,785 - Oh, yeah. 207 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:16,204 I feel like everyone else has figured out who it is. 208 00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,164 - These students think they can meddle 209 00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:20,166 with the complicated emotional lives of adults? 210 00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:21,751 It's time to teach them a lesson. 211 00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:24,004 Helen. - Yes. 212 00:08:24,045 --> 00:08:26,881 Get ready for the "Parent Trap" protocol. 213 00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:30,135 Nope, that's carry-out menus. Ah. 214 00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:38,476 [twangy guitar music] 215 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:39,728 * * 216 00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:42,147 - Okay, gimme bad Victor. 217 00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:45,275 Okay, uh, uh, come on, come on. 218 00:08:45,316 --> 00:08:47,152 Just say some badass stuff. 219 00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:50,196 - One time I killed a baby bird with a basketball. 220 00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:52,365 - I thought we were never gonna talk about that ever again. 221 00:08:52,407 --> 00:08:53,700 - Uh, sorry. 222 00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:55,368 I could do something else. 223 00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:57,996 I could do little air bites. 224 00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,664 - What? - It's a thing. 225 00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:00,999 In order to look good in pictures, 226 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:04,878 you bite the air and then smile. 227 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:07,380 - These are supposed to be sexy, right? 228 00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:08,757 - Yeah. 229 00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:11,926 - Then look sexy. 230 00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,639 - Let me just toss this. 231 00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:25,982 - This one's actually pretty good. 232 00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:29,110 [gentle acoustic guitar music] 233 00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:30,236 * * 234 00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:31,905 So, um, 235 00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:33,656 are you gonna send these to somebody? 236 00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:35,533 - Yep, and I already have the number 237 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:37,077 saved in my phone. 238 00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:39,746 I should probably ask first, though. 239 00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:41,623 - I'm pretty sure she'll say yes. 240 00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:43,249 - I had a whole conversation with my mom, 241 00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:45,585 and she encouraged me to err on the side of caution. 242 00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:47,629 - Mm-hmm. [laughs] 243 00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:52,676 - "Dear Ashley and Amanda. 244 00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:56,304 "It's Victor from German class study group. 245 00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:58,306 "Guten tag! 246 00:09:58,348 --> 00:10:02,519 Mind if I send some titillating photos?" 247 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,688 [chuckles] [phone chimes] 248 00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:06,022 - Victor, are you sure you want to do that? 249 00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:09,401 - They said, "Hell, ja!" [laughs] 250 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,528 It's a bit of a German joke. 251 00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:14,239 Oh, my God, wow, wow! 252 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,533 I mean, I don't wanna do a full "Sliding Doors" here, 253 00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:20,078 but this could be the moment that changes everything. 254 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,707 Ashley's dad has a cabin at Devil's Lake. 255 00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:25,125 - Sounds fun. 256 00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:27,210 Probably way better than hanging out with me. 257 00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:28,545 - Okay. 258 00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,296 This is the moment of truth. 259 00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,298 Should I send it? 260 00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:34,342 - Sure. Go for it. 261 00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:40,306 - Hey, Gwen, 262 00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:41,641 you're a great friend. 263 00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:44,644 [melancholy music] 264 00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:49,024 * * 265 00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:52,068 In high school, the changes come fast. 266 00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:54,946 And this high school boy was on the verge of becoming 267 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:58,283 a high school man, for lack of a better term. 268 00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,994 - Okay, so I don't want you guys falling apart 269 00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:02,912 when you're grilled on your backstories, 270 00:11:02,954 --> 00:11:05,999 so, uh, tell me who you are. Go. 271 00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:09,336 - Elizabeth Wallydrag. Scribe I be. 272 00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:10,795 - Okay, go. 273 00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:13,715 - The villagers call me Slow Jeffery, 274 00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:15,884 but this fog of simplicity 275 00:11:15,925 --> 00:11:18,053 is a fallacy of my own creation. 276 00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:21,514 I'm truly Lord Hensley, the long lost son 277 00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:24,351 of the one true King Rodrigo, 278 00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:26,686 and I shall bring my enemies to their knees 279 00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:28,897 with my angelic voice. 280 00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:31,441 * La, la, la, la, la, la, la * 281 00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,027 - Okay, great, yeah. Lots of detail there. 282 00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:35,445 Nice. Very good work. 283 00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,821 Um, Anthony, do make sure that 284 00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:39,240 you are also doing homework for other classes, okay? 285 00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:41,576 - I'm really enjoying this mission, Mr. Griffin. 286 00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,036 [phone chimes] - Oh, I can tell. 287 00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:45,205 Mm, the snakes are here a day early. 288 00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:46,664 Okay, well, I'm gonna go grab these. 289 00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:49,250 Guys, work on your Elizabethan accents, all right? 290 00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:52,462 - Victor, I heard a rumor you became a man last night. 291 00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:56,383 - I sent some sensual photos to Ashlanda. 292 00:11:58,134 --> 00:12:00,095 - I thought I smelled some heat on you. 293 00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:02,305 - That is next level, Victor. 294 00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:06,518 Ashlanda do in-person physical sexting, 295 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,812 AKA sex. 296 00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,522 Isn't that right, Dan? 297 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:14,192 - Yeah, yeah, it has been known to happen. 298 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,194 [phone chimes] - Oh, my God! 299 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,071 I just got a full-on invitation 300 00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:21,074 to hang out with Ashlanda after school. 301 00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:23,368 - Two words, dude. Dental dam. 302 00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:26,246 You don't want to end up like Michael Douglas. 303 00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:28,623 - Guys, I got a--I got a quick question for you. 304 00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:31,251 How much are you supposed to tip a snake handler? 305 00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:33,461 Google says 20%, but I gotta say, 306 00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:34,963 that feels high, you know, 307 00:12:35,005 --> 00:12:39,050 especially for a guy who just sort of has snakes. 308 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,844 Whatever, I'll figure it out. Um. 309 00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:42,429 Okay, who have we gotten so far? 310 00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:45,098 I've got you, got you, we're skipping Marcus. 311 00:12:45,140 --> 00:12:46,433 - Perchance... - Mm... 312 00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:50,437 - Thou hast not yet met the fool for money, 313 00:12:50,478 --> 00:12:53,189 Jeremiah the Jester. 314 00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:54,733 - Yeah, no, I don't like any of that. 315 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:58,778 I'm gonna need you to switch over to nameless dung-monger. 316 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:01,114 Okay, all right. Good enough for now. 317 00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:03,992 Now, guys, I need these snakes to be alive tomorrow, 318 00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:06,703 so I need everybody to take a snake home. 319 00:13:06,745 --> 00:13:08,913 Yeah. I need everyone to line up 320 00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,416 and take a snake home with you, okay? 321 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:12,917 - While I was getting everything 322 00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:15,170 I'd hoped for, Anthony and Grace 323 00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:17,964 were about to get more than they bargained for. 324 00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:19,966 - Ralph, that letter changed me. 325 00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:23,011 I've never said this before, but love rocks. 326 00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:25,013 - You make me want to be a better principal. 327 00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:29,434 - Mm, mm, mm, ah! 328 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,436 Oh, Ralph. Mm. 329 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:36,149 - Mm, Ms. Wagner, such good kissing. 330 00:13:36,191 --> 00:13:39,652 - Who should we do next? Coach and the lunch lady? 331 00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:42,989 - Coach has to learn to love himself first. 332 00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:46,826 - I can't wait to make you Mrs. Ralph Durbin. 333 00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:48,203 - Mrs. Ralph Durbin? Damn. 334 00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:50,580 I can't even keep my first or last name? 335 00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:51,664 Screw that. 336 00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:53,875 How about you be Mr. Mary Wagner? 337 00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:56,127 And if you say no, you hate women. 338 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:57,671 [quirky music] 339 00:13:57,712 --> 00:14:01,508 - Oh, Ms. Duncan, no, he's in a very private meeting. 340 00:14:01,549 --> 00:14:04,344 I'm sorry, sir. She just blew right past me. 341 00:14:04,386 --> 00:14:07,180 [whispering] You guys are doing great. You're killing it. 342 00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:08,723 - Ralph, you have a lot of nerve, 343 00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:10,266 cheating with my best friend 344 00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:12,936 when I'm pregnant with our love child. 345 00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:14,396 [glass shatters] 346 00:14:14,437 --> 00:14:15,939 - No! My vase. 347 00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:17,524 [glass shatters] 348 00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:19,693 No! My terrarium. 349 00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:20,985 [glass shatters] 350 00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:24,948 No, my drinking glass for holding water. 351 00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,783 - No, Mrs. Jones, I'm gonna have to ask you 352 00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:28,576 to sit, please, and wait. 353 00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,412 I'm sorry, sir. 354 00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:33,123 Hey, unrelated, next Friday can I get off a little early? 355 00:14:33,164 --> 00:14:35,458 I have a mammo. 356 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:36,793 Okay. 357 00:14:36,835 --> 00:14:40,005 - My husband never gave me Takis, fun or full-size. 358 00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:41,965 I'm done with him. 359 00:14:42,007 --> 00:14:45,593 I need a Takis man, and, Durbin, that's you! 360 00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:49,723 - Are you calling your husband? Don't bother. Durbin's mine! 361 00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:51,599 - Keith, it's your wife. 362 00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:56,062 I want a divorce. Get your things and get out. 363 00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,355 [glass shatters] - [gasps] 364 00:14:57,397 --> 00:15:01,568 - Mary! Is that a glass shard? Put that down! 365 00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:04,529 - Oh, my God, Mary. Mary, no! No! 366 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,407 - Why did Durbin send that damn, damn letter? 367 00:15:07,449 --> 00:15:09,951 Now I'm gonna have to call the FBI. 368 00:15:11,745 --> 00:15:13,121 - I know what we have to do. 369 00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:17,208 - Can I have Secret Agent Applesauce, please? 370 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:19,419 - Oh, classic Victor. 371 00:15:19,461 --> 00:15:21,963 Only bringing dip to a party. 372 00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:24,174 Next time I'll ask if there are chips. 373 00:15:24,215 --> 00:15:25,383 - It's okay, Victor. 374 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:28,053 Obviously, the point isn't to eat. 375 00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:31,097 - Maybe we should get to the real point. 376 00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:34,017 - We have kind of an initiation when new people come to hang, 377 00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:35,560 but you probably don't want to do it. 378 00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:36,811 Mm. Mm-mm. 379 00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,480 - What is it? 380 00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:42,776 - Well, you don't wanna dance for us, do you, Victor? 381 00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:45,236 - Vic, you don't gotta do anything you don't wanna do. 382 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,946 [electronic music] Come on. It'll be fun. 383 00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:49,532 - Oh, my goodness. 384 00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:51,034 - Whoo! 385 00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:52,952 - Strip! - Whoo! 386 00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:55,955 - Take it all off. Take it all off. 387 00:15:55,997 --> 00:15:57,791 - Whoo-ee! 388 00:15:57,832 --> 00:15:59,709 [all shouting] 389 00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:01,961 - Oh, my God. Whoo! 390 00:16:02,003 --> 00:16:03,630 - Oh, yeah! - Whoo! 391 00:16:03,672 --> 00:16:06,299 - Oh, my God. You look so hot. - There we go. 392 00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:08,843 You're a god, Victor. - Oh, yeah. 393 00:16:08,885 --> 00:16:10,512 That's what I like to see. 394 00:16:10,553 --> 00:16:12,555 - No. Hey, Victor. That--that's enough! 395 00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:14,641 That's enough. That--that--that's enough! 396 00:16:14,683 --> 00:16:17,519 Okay? They're just messing with you, Vic. 397 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:21,022 You should just-- you should just go home, man. 398 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,321 - Dan, you're no fun. 399 00:16:28,363 --> 00:16:30,156 - Thank you so much for having me. 400 00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:32,492 I had a lovely evening. 401 00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:36,204 And, uh, please, thank your mother for the sodas. 402 00:16:36,246 --> 00:16:38,373 And when Madison gets out of the bathroom, 403 00:16:38,415 --> 00:16:41,042 would you, uh, let her know I say, "Bye." 404 00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:43,545 And just like that, 405 00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:46,631 I knew exactly who Victor Kozlowski was. 406 00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,133 An idiot. 407 00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:49,175 [soft rock music] 408 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:50,844 - * I was all alone * 409 00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:52,303 * Felt so contagious * 410 00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:53,930 * Flat broke and 17 * 411 00:16:53,972 --> 00:16:55,890 * Rip out the pages * 412 00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:57,350 - How was the party? 413 00:16:57,392 --> 00:17:01,813 Was everyone blown away by how cool and sexy you are? 414 00:17:01,855 --> 00:17:06,192 - Did you know they invited me there just to make fun of me? 415 00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:07,944 - Like you care what I think? 416 00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:10,405 - You should have stopped me from sending that photo. 417 00:17:10,447 --> 00:17:12,282 It was humiliating. 418 00:17:12,323 --> 00:17:16,578 * * 419 00:17:16,619 --> 00:17:18,371 - Here. 420 00:17:18,413 --> 00:17:20,498 You left this at my place. 421 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:23,585 And, um... 422 00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:26,463 Here's mine. 423 00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:29,966 I'm sorry you couldn't spend your summer at Devil's Lake. 424 00:17:30,008 --> 00:17:31,760 - * People don't change * 425 00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,053 * Toxic waste * 426 00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:34,596 * Push you away * 427 00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:37,140 [engine revving] 428 00:17:37,182 --> 00:17:40,268 * Without you baby * 429 00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:43,772 * Without you baby * 430 00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:52,238 - [sobbing] 431 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,407 Durbin is dead, 432 00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:56,993 and it's all my fault! 433 00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:58,787 [sobbing] 434 00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:05,835 - Okay, and just to recap, Durbin is dead. 435 00:18:05,877 --> 00:18:09,756 I find the body, blame you, then violently break your neck, 436 00:18:09,798 --> 00:18:11,216 which sounds like... 437 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:13,510 [horse whinnies] 438 00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:15,136 I'll get it right when we do it. 439 00:18:15,178 --> 00:18:16,388 It's gonna be tight. It's gonna be tight. 440 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:19,599 - Oh, oh, places, places. Places, Places. 441 00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,518 [quirky music] 442 00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:23,561 - Why didn't you answer my calls last night? 443 00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:25,105 - We hurt our favorite adults, and the guilt 444 00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:26,231 is too much to bear. 445 00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:29,067 I was downtown trying meth. 446 00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:31,152 - Are you fully addicted? 447 00:18:31,194 --> 00:18:32,737 - Permanently so. 448 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,239 [gasps] My teeth! 449 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:36,574 - Oh, no! No! - Oh, my God. 450 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:40,495 - No, you need those for biting! Oh, no! 451 00:18:40,537 --> 00:18:42,330 You've gotta be careful, you've gotta put them-- 452 00:18:42,372 --> 00:18:44,290 you gotta hydrate them to keep them alive. 453 00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:49,170 Are these Chiclets? 454 00:18:49,212 --> 00:18:52,590 - And so endeth our little play. 455 00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,259 - I see what's going on here. 456 00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,094 We've got a couple Susan Luccis on our hands. 457 00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:57,303 - Mm-hmm. 458 00:18:57,345 --> 00:19:00,223 The Lucci-ers have become the Lucci-ees. 459 00:19:00,265 --> 00:19:02,767 - Okay, well, then, I guess there's a lesson 460 00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,352 to be learned here, 461 00:19:04,394 --> 00:19:08,023 which I guess is, don't teach each other lessons 462 00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:10,692 using incredibly realistic acting? 463 00:19:10,734 --> 00:19:12,819 [all murmuring] 464 00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:14,279 - Michelle. 465 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:15,780 - Keith, what are you doing here? 466 00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:16,948 - You're right. 467 00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:19,617 You deserve to be treated like a queen. 468 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:23,163 I took the "His" bath towels. You can have the "Hers." 469 00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:24,622 - [gasps] Oh, gosh! 470 00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,458 I forgot to tell you that that call was-- 471 00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:30,795 was just unbelievably realistic acting. 472 00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:31,963 - Oh, good. 473 00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:33,590 I was really, really scared. 474 00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,425 I didn't like that at all. 475 00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:38,386 I didn't like that at all. 476 00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:39,596 I didn't like that at all. 477 00:19:39,637 --> 00:19:41,639 - Oh, okay. Okay. - I didn't like that. 478 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:44,893 I didn't like that at all. - Oh, poor baby. 479 00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:47,604 - While everyone else was figuring things out, 480 00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:51,274 I was still confused as ever. 481 00:19:51,316 --> 00:19:52,609 Who am I? 482 00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:54,819 - * In your face * 483 00:19:54,861 --> 00:19:56,154 A boy? 484 00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:59,199 - * What would you do? * 485 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:00,909 - A man? 486 00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:02,452 * * 487 00:20:02,494 --> 00:20:03,495 - * What if I fell * 488 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:06,498 - Am I even Victor anymore? 489 00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:09,918 - * Couldn't take this anymore * 490 00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,378 - Do I even wanna be? 491 00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:16,174 - * What would you do, do, do? * 492 00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:22,263 * Come break me down * 493 00:20:22,305 --> 00:20:24,224 * Bury me, bury me * 494 00:20:24,265 --> 00:20:28,561 * I am finished with you * 495 00:20:28,603 --> 00:20:29,938 - Well, uh, guys, I thought 496 00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:31,481 that actually went pretty well, you know, 497 00:20:31,523 --> 00:20:33,775 with one minor hiccup. 498 00:20:33,817 --> 00:20:36,695 - My pediatrician says this is actually a pretty big hiccup. 499 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:37,946 - I was actually referring to the fact 500 00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:39,698 that I got put in stocks. 501 00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,241 Victor, you were supposed to get the key 502 00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:43,660 from Sir Kennylwait, AKA Fat Doug. 503 00:20:43,702 --> 00:20:46,413 What happened, man? You let us down. 504 00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:48,540 - Who haven't I let down? 505 00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:51,960 My life is hell, and I'm about to bust. 506 00:20:52,002 --> 00:20:54,295 [gentle guitar music] 507 00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:55,964 - Uh, can somebody get me out of these? 508 00:20:56,006 --> 00:20:59,551 * * 509 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:02,887 Okay, Victor, bust. What happened? 510 00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:05,306 - I made a fool of myself in front of Ashlanda, 511 00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:07,142 I ruined everything with Gwen, 512 00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:09,185 and I brought creamy dip 513 00:21:09,227 --> 00:21:11,646 to a make-out party like an idiot. 514 00:21:11,688 --> 00:21:13,565 - I got us your bowl, Vic. 515 00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:15,817 - Gwen is the girl who's constantly bringing you 516 00:21:15,859 --> 00:21:17,235 news about your retainer 517 00:21:17,277 --> 00:21:18,903 and clearly has a thing for you? 518 00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:21,740 - No, she doesn't feel that way about me. 519 00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:23,074 - All right, listen, Victor, this is one of those 520 00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:25,326 classic situations where the supportive best friend 521 00:21:25,368 --> 00:21:26,745 is actually totally in love with you, 522 00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:29,748 but because of her overalls and masculine hobbies, 523 00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:31,666 you're just too dumb to see it. 524 00:21:31,708 --> 00:21:33,460 Now this goes for everybody. 525 00:21:33,501 --> 00:21:35,253 Don't try to date someone popular. 526 00:21:35,295 --> 00:21:36,588 It's just never gonna work out for you. 527 00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:38,965 You know what I mean? Except for Dan, of course. 528 00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:40,717 Everybody knows that these speeches 529 00:21:40,759 --> 00:21:42,927 don't apply to Dan, right? Yeah. 530 00:21:42,969 --> 00:21:44,220 Now, listen, at this age, 531 00:21:44,262 --> 00:21:46,639 if somebody is willing to spend time with you, 532 00:21:46,681 --> 00:21:48,016 they're almost certainly in love with you, 533 00:21:48,058 --> 00:21:51,102 so what are you waiting for, Victor? 534 00:21:51,144 --> 00:21:55,273 If you have similar feelings, go tell her. 535 00:21:55,315 --> 00:21:58,234 [gentle piano music] 536 00:21:58,276 --> 00:22:01,029 * * 537 00:22:01,071 --> 00:22:02,280 [upbeat rock music] 538 00:22:02,322 --> 00:22:04,949 - * If you find yourself caught in love * 539 00:22:04,991 --> 00:22:08,578 * Say a prayer to the man above * 540 00:22:08,620 --> 00:22:11,206 * Thank him for everything you know * 541 00:22:11,247 --> 00:22:15,960 * You should thank him for every breath you blow * 542 00:22:16,002 --> 00:22:18,963 * If you find yourself caught in love * 543 00:22:19,005 --> 00:22:22,509 * Say a prayer to the man above * 544 00:22:22,550 --> 00:22:25,178 * Thank him for every day you pass * 545 00:22:25,220 --> 00:22:29,307 * You should thank him for saving your sorry ass * 546 00:22:29,349 --> 00:22:31,226 - Permission to send a sexy photo. 547 00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:32,769 - * But looking out * 548 00:22:32,811 --> 00:22:36,106 * You must raise your prayer to a shout * 549 00:22:36,147 --> 00:22:37,482 - Granted. 550 00:22:37,524 --> 00:22:39,693 - * Another partner must be found * 551 00:22:39,734 --> 00:22:42,195 * Someone to take your life beyond * 552 00:22:42,237 --> 00:22:45,824 * Another TV "I Love 1999" * 553 00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:49,160 * Just one more box of cheapo wine * 554 00:22:49,202 --> 00:22:51,454 * * 555 00:22:51,496 --> 00:22:53,540 - What took you so long? 556 00:22:53,581 --> 00:22:55,333 - Sometimes love needs a little nudge. 557 00:22:55,375 --> 00:22:57,961 - * To the man above * 558 00:22:58,003 --> 00:22:59,421 * But if you don't listen * 559 00:22:59,462 --> 00:23:02,465 - Boy or man, I knew one thing. 560 00:23:02,507 --> 00:23:04,718 Life would never be the same for me. 561 00:23:04,759 --> 00:23:07,178 Gwen and I were entering something new. 562 00:23:07,220 --> 00:23:09,014 Something exciting. 563 00:23:09,055 --> 00:23:13,268 If I had to define it, I'd call it love, 564 00:23:13,309 --> 00:23:16,021 for lack of a better term. 565 00:23:16,062 --> 00:23:18,148 - * Is written in books from long ago * 566 00:23:18,189 --> 00:23:21,693 * Give up your will to him that loves you * 567 00:23:21,735 --> 00:23:22,694 * Things will change * 568 00:23:22,736 --> 00:23:25,613 * I'm not saying overnight * 569 00:23:25,655 --> 00:23:29,075 * You've got to start somewhere *