1 00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:10,260 [synth music] 2 00:00:10,301 --> 00:00:13,763 * * 3 00:00:13,805 --> 00:00:17,559 - I remember when life was more normal. 4 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:19,811 But then some guy had to go and murder 5 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,897 my kid brother in cold blood. 6 00:00:22,939 --> 00:00:25,400 [screams] 7 00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:27,318 I did what anyone in my position 8 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,863 would do as a woman in the '70s. 9 00:00:29,904 --> 00:00:32,323 I became a vigilante cop, 10 00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,117 or tried to. 11 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:35,785 [panting] 12 00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:38,580 Guess I didn't have the right equipment in my pants. 13 00:00:38,621 --> 00:00:41,166 [screams] 14 00:00:41,207 --> 00:00:45,670 But I was able to become a receptionist at the precinct. 15 00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:47,422 - [off-tune] * Janet Fist * 16 00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:50,842 * Vigilante receptionist * 17 00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:54,512 [police radio chatter] 18 00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:57,640 [soft dramatic music] 19 00:00:57,682 --> 00:00:59,684 * * 20 00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:02,228 - Move. 21 00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:05,315 - Hey. 22 00:01:05,357 --> 00:01:07,609 - You in charge here? - Yeah. 23 00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:10,779 Create a perimeter over there. Move those people back. 24 00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:15,742 - Janet Fist. Receptionist. This is my crime scene now. 25 00:01:15,784 --> 00:01:18,286 Dissolve that perimeter. Move those people back in. 26 00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:21,331 Get them back up close. 27 00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:22,374 - Now I don't know who you think-- 28 00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:24,376 [phone trilling] - Ah. 29 00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:27,295 - Toledo Police, how may I direct your call? 30 00:01:27,337 --> 00:01:29,130 Transferring. 31 00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:30,799 I'll take it from here. 32 00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:35,261 - You can't kick the FBI out. You're just a receptionist. 33 00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:37,889 - Oh, I forgot to give you your messages. 34 00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:41,559 Your brother called. 35 00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,728 He's banging your wife. - [gasps] 36 00:01:46,690 --> 00:01:48,775 Hey, you. Gimme your gun real quick. 37 00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:52,696 - Uh, okay. Just be really careful with it. 38 00:01:52,737 --> 00:01:54,280 - Yeah, yeah. 39 00:01:54,322 --> 00:01:56,491 [gunshot] - Ahh! 40 00:01:58,243 --> 00:02:02,080 - That's what I thought. Arrest her. To hell. 41 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:04,082 [gunshots] [people screaming] 42 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,543 - [screams] [phone trilling] 43 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:12,465 Toledo Police, how may I direct your call? 44 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:16,177 Oh, actually, the county deals with that. 45 00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:18,722 - [off-tune] * Jane Fist * - One, two, three, four! 46 00:02:18,763 --> 00:02:21,599 - * Next time, I'll listen to my heart * 47 00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:24,310 * Next time, well, I'll be smart * 48 00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:27,188 [Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"] 49 00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:31,735 * * 50 00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:34,154 - Ms. Miller's time off is really working out for us. 51 00:02:34,195 --> 00:02:37,866 I mean, I hate to root for more back failure, but-- 52 00:02:37,907 --> 00:02:39,659 - Yeah, if we're lucky, she'll never walk again 53 00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,661 and I'll get to sub forever. 54 00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:44,122 [both laugh] 55 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,540 I think I took it too far. 56 00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,500 - Yeah, that felt bad. - Yeah. 57 00:02:47,542 --> 00:02:49,711 - Hey, you wanna do your place tonight? 58 00:02:49,753 --> 00:02:51,588 I was thinking we could take a bowling ball 59 00:02:51,629 --> 00:02:53,673 and toss it on your memory foam mattress 60 00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,008 and see if a glass of wine falls over. 61 00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:56,885 I've just--I've always wanted to do that. 62 00:02:56,926 --> 00:03:00,055 - Ooh, that would normally be a very big, "Yes." 63 00:03:00,096 --> 00:03:02,557 But I have dinner with a childhood friend tonight. 64 00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,434 - Oh, wow, childhood friend? 65 00:03:04,476 --> 00:03:05,894 Very cool. I'd be down to meet her. 66 00:03:05,935 --> 00:03:08,688 - He, actually. His name is Malachi. 67 00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:10,899 - [stammering] It's a he? - Yeah. 68 00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:13,068 - No, I don't know why I assumed she. 69 00:03:13,109 --> 00:03:15,070 It's very, very normal for you to have a childhood friend 70 00:03:15,111 --> 00:03:18,490 that's male, you know, or any gender, really. 71 00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:21,868 - It's really not a big deal. You'll just be bored. 72 00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:24,037 - Oh, do--sorry, do you not want me 73 00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:26,539 to come to dinner with you and this male friend? 74 00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:28,375 - [clears throat] Stop pushing. 75 00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:31,419 - No, no, you're more than welcome to come. 76 00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:34,589 I'm just saying, you'd probably be bored. 77 00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:37,467 Oh, gosh, I gotta go. 78 00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,931 - Open input on this one, guys. - Okay. 79 00:03:42,972 --> 00:03:45,475 Don't crash your new girlfriend's dinner. 80 00:03:45,517 --> 00:03:48,186 - Okay, well, I wouldn't be crashing it, okay? 81 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,855 Because she clearly said that I was more than welcome to come. 82 00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:52,899 I mean, you know, the wedding crashers 83 00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:54,776 weren't more than welcome to attend those weddings. 84 00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:56,653 That would have been a very different movie. 85 00:03:56,695 --> 00:03:58,321 - I'd still watch it. 86 00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,240 For me, it's more about those characters than the premise. 87 00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:01,908 - Yeah. Okay. 88 00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:06,371 Yeah, see, down here is welcome. 89 00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,331 You know, and here's where I'm sitting. 90 00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:10,458 All the way up here. More than welcome. 91 00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:11,918 - Yeah, "More than welcome" 92 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,670 always means, "Please don't come." 93 00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:15,839 - Yeah, right, like I'm gonna take social advice from a guy 94 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,883 who's constantly boring people with map facts. 95 00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:21,094 - People are interested to know that the entire country 96 00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:23,221 of Poland could fit inside the state of Texas. 97 00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:27,100 - What? Oh! 98 00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:29,185 - You're awfully quiet over there, Sarika. 99 00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:30,812 - Because I agree with Marcus. 100 00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:33,106 - Well, I agree, but what do I know about women? 101 00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:36,484 Nothing. Am I right? 102 00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:39,654 You can laugh. It was meant to be funny. 103 00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:42,741 - Look, Mr. Griffin, if you attend this dinner, 104 00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:45,702 then you're clearly feeling a little threatened about Shayla 105 00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:48,538 having an intimate evening with her long-term male friend. 106 00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:50,582 - I'd actually forgotten that he was a male friend 107 00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:52,834 until you just said that right now, you know. 108 00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:54,711 And, guys, I bring a lot to a dinner, all right? 109 00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:56,504 I mean, if this dinner had a title, it would be 110 00:04:56,546 --> 00:05:00,175 "Ivy League Love Interest Gets Shown Off To Childhood Friend." 111 00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:04,137 - More like, "Kind Woman Tries To Bond With Childhood Friend 112 00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:07,390 While Attention-Starved Man Child Commandeers Evening." 113 00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:10,018 - Anthony, take a lap. 114 00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:12,354 - "Sounds like your girlfriend is gonna love this dinner," 115 00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:15,065 said the guy with no girlfriend. 116 00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:16,566 Please? 117 00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:19,986 Guys, I doubled down to make the earlier one less sad. 118 00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:22,947 - Mr. Griffin, if you go, you may be putting Shayla 119 00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,949 in the position to explain inside jokes. 120 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,952 And that's... 121 00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:29,871 not ideal. 122 00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:31,956 - Whenever I'm around friends sharing jokes I don't get, 123 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,958 I make sure to laugh really hard like... 124 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,877 [laughs loudly] 125 00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:37,587 It makes people more comfortable. 126 00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:39,714 - Anyone wanna get this train back on track? 127 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,675 - The woman does not want you there. 128 00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:44,636 - Someone other than Yuyao? - Boss, I've got it. 129 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,846 You go, and you drive this dude insane 130 00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:49,015 by never making direct eye contact. 131 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:52,852 Just always stare at his forehead like I'm doing now. 132 00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:55,647 - Oh, are you doing it now, to me? 133 00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,982 - Yeah. It's unnerving, right? 134 00:05:58,024 --> 00:05:59,609 - Yeah. Yeah. 135 00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:01,111 - The key is to go and not care. 136 00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:03,446 Just like, "'Sup? 137 00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:05,907 "Nah, go on have that little snack, girl. 138 00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:08,076 You got a whole meal over here." 139 00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:10,120 - Yeah, and then the childhood friend will be like, 140 00:06:10,161 --> 00:06:11,538 "This guy is really cool." 141 00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:12,580 - And then the manager will be like, 142 00:06:12,622 --> 00:06:14,749 "You guys are so cool. 143 00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,710 Everything's on the house tonight." 144 00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:18,670 - And then they order, like, a million apps. 145 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,255 - And then Mr. Griffin brings in the leftovers 146 00:06:20,296 --> 00:06:22,507 for lunch tomorrow, but he can't eat all those. 147 00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:24,718 So then he throws them in the trash. 148 00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:26,845 - Yeah, but we put a new bag in the trash can. 149 00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:30,682 So we're munching on mozzarella sticks all day. 150 00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:35,562 - Nah, y'all just took what I did and made it bad. 151 00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:38,314 - Guys, I'm not going to this dinner out of jealousy, okay? 152 00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:40,775 Or because I feel, like, threatened in some way, okay? 153 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,444 It's not that, all right? 154 00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:45,572 I'm organically permeating this new layer of our relationship. 155 00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:46,948 She hadn't invited me 156 00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,450 to hang out with any of her close friends yet. 157 00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:50,076 - And she still hasn't. 158 00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:54,914 - More than welcome! 159 00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:57,584 [school bell rings] 160 00:06:57,625 --> 00:06:59,294 - And then he said his job was top secret. 161 00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:01,129 So you know what that means. He's probably a-- 162 00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:02,505 - Serial killer. - A food inspector. 163 00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:05,383 - [sobbing] 164 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,302 - Oh, no. Helen, what's wrong? 165 00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:10,096 - It's Tanya. It's over. 166 00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:12,265 She dumped me. 167 00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:16,811 I can't, I'm so stressed. And I'm so sad. 168 00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:19,147 And my hair is falling out. - Oh. 169 00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:21,149 - Look. 170 00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:22,275 [grunts] 171 00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:24,486 - Oh. - [screams] 172 00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:25,987 Look at that. It just falls out. 173 00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:29,366 - Wait, Helen. Tanya? Who you just started dating? 174 00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:32,869 - The love of my life for the last four whole weeks. 175 00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:35,622 - Oh, I would love it if you would slow down. 176 00:07:35,663 --> 00:07:36,664 Okay. 177 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:39,751 - [sobbing] 178 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,294 [snorts, sniffles] 179 00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:45,173 - I know that I haven't had that long of a relationship, 180 00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:48,760 but we were practically engaged. 181 00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,720 - Okay. You know what you need, Helen? 182 00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:53,390 You need a gurbs night. That's girls plus Durbs. 183 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:57,644 - Yes. You know, tonight we celebrate independence. 184 00:07:57,686 --> 00:07:59,896 - Yes. 185 00:07:59,938 --> 00:08:01,064 - I'm a little surprised 186 00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:04,109 you really wanted to come tonight. 187 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,945 There are some things I should prepare you for. 188 00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:09,864 - You guys have slept together. I get it. It's cool. 189 00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:12,534 I'm not threatened in the least, okay? 190 00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:13,743 I mean, you don't need my permission 191 00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:15,453 to have had a life before me, so... 192 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,747 - Yes, that's correct. 193 00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:21,001 But if it helps, we have never even kissed. 194 00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:23,878 - Oh, re--okay, well, then, if anything, 195 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,213 I feel sorry that you missed out 196 00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:26,923 on what could've been a nice little kiss. 197 00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:29,551 But seriously, you don't need to prepare me for anything. 198 00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:32,262 I'm-- - Hey. Malachi. 199 00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:33,346 - Oh, hi. Jack. 200 00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:35,640 - I'm so [bleep] pumped to meet you. 201 00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:37,100 Bring it in here, brother! - [grunts] 202 00:08:37,142 --> 00:08:41,062 - God, I was so, I don't know, like--like, nervous. 203 00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:43,356 [both laugh] 204 00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:45,400 - Wow. I wasn't just prepared for that. 205 00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:47,318 - I'm going over. 206 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,029 - I'm going under. 207 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,321 [both laugh] 208 00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:53,324 [quirky music] 209 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,826 * * 210 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:57,370 - Okay, good. Yeah. 211 00:08:57,412 --> 00:09:00,707 Uh, so tell me, Malachi, 212 00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:04,294 how did you guys-- how did you guys meet? 213 00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:08,089 - You're joking, right? 214 00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:09,924 Wait, did she not tell you? 215 00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:11,301 - We've both had crazy busy days 216 00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,761 so I haven't been able 217 00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,512 to fully fill him in yet on all the deets. 218 00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,264 - I see. - You know what, actually, 219 00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:19,434 I think it's entirely possible that this is my fault. 220 00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:21,269 My brain is like Swiss cheese 221 00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:23,063 when it comes to remembering little details like, 222 00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:24,814 "How did these people meet again?" 223 00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:27,942 And like, "When is the McRib coming back?" [laughs] 224 00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:30,695 - 22 years ago, I took a man's life. 225 00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:31,988 I beat him to death because I didn't like 226 00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:34,407 the look on his face. 227 00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:36,451 I was young and I was stupid. 228 00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:38,536 And during my first year at Toledo Correctional, 229 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,164 I received a bunch of letters from local 6th graders. 230 00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:43,416 I responded to the only one who didn't seem like 231 00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:46,795 she was just doing a homework assignment, 232 00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:49,339 Shayla Lorraine Howard. 233 00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:51,174 [dramatic music] 234 00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:53,301 - And then you guys became, like, pen pals or... 235 00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:54,427 - [laughs] 236 00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:57,180 I see why you like this mother[bleep]. 237 00:09:57,222 --> 00:10:00,141 Yeah, I'd say that's, like, the understatement of the year. 238 00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:01,768 There is no one on God's green earth 239 00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:06,314 that I know more deeply than this angel sitting right there. 240 00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:08,775 And I've heard enough about this little dude 241 00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:10,485 to make me puke. 242 00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:13,488 [quirky music] 243 00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:16,574 * * 244 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,368 - Can we get some drinks over here? 245 00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:19,619 - What can I get you guys? 246 00:10:19,661 --> 00:10:20,704 - Merlot, please. 247 00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:23,081 - The lady knows what I want. 248 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:25,750 - Seagram's 7 and a RC Cola. - And? 249 00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:26,876 - Hold the RC Cola. 250 00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:28,878 [both laugh] 251 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,089 - The lady also knows what I want. 252 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,676 - Your most buttery Chardonnay? 253 00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:36,469 - No, no. Well, don't write that down. 254 00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:39,431 I'm not having that. I don't--that was one time. 255 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:43,810 I actually will also have a Seagram's 7 and the RC Cola, 256 00:10:43,852 --> 00:10:46,771 but hold the Seagram's 7 and the RC Cola 257 00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,732 and instead bring me a Dewar's, neat. 258 00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:51,192 - [laughs] C'mon, get over here. 259 00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:53,486 The handsome ones usually aren't this funny. 260 00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:56,823 Muah! [laughs] - Muah! 261 00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:59,909 - Even Stevens on the kisses. - [laughing] 262 00:11:07,042 --> 00:11:08,543 [laughter, chatter] - I know. I know. 263 00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:10,587 - I'm doing it. 264 00:11:10,628 --> 00:11:12,380 - Yeah. - I'm moving on. 265 00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:16,009 I'm sitting, I'm smiling, I'm admiring the candle. 266 00:11:16,051 --> 00:11:17,844 I'm reaching into my pocket. 267 00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:19,929 I'm texting Tanya. "I'm nothing without you." 268 00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:21,306 - Let me see that. 269 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,350 - Give it to Stef, c'mon. - Let me see that. 270 00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:26,019 I'm changing her name to her worst quality, okay? 271 00:11:26,061 --> 00:11:27,896 That's what I do for all my exes. 272 00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:30,148 See, I've got "Weird about grapes." 273 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,524 All right? 274 00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:34,569 And there's "Won't stop talking about his sister." 275 00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,196 I'll just put "Bad Tanya." 276 00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:39,199 - Oh, I've got Professional Mascot Badger, 277 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:42,911 Professional Mascot Beaver, Amateur Mascot Horse. 278 00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:44,871 Guess I had a phase. [laughter] 279 00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:46,539 - Sweet tea. 280 00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:48,375 - Ooh, thank you. 281 00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:52,045 - Pitcher of margarita. - Thank you. 282 00:11:52,087 --> 00:11:54,005 - Jealous. [overlapping chatter] 283 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,298 I'm very jealous of her. 284 00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:56,883 - Oh, yeah, I'll start it off. - I'm jealous. 285 00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:59,886 - Okay, guys. It's Gurbs Night Put-ups time. 286 00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:01,471 Pa-pa-pa-pa! - Mm! 287 00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:02,806 - Aww, yes. 288 00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:05,225 - Helen Henry Demarcus, you are beautiful, 289 00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:08,353 and you always have gum and fresh ass breath. 290 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,606 Wait, that came out wrong. Ass fresh breath--breath? 291 00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:13,942 - And you are strong. I've never seen a woman 292 00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,860 catch so many Canadian geese with her bare hands. 293 00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,237 - Yeah, that's right. 294 00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:21,991 Not to mention, you have a very powerful bite. 295 00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:25,662 - And Ralph took mine. Come back to me. 296 00:12:25,704 --> 00:12:26,830 [laughter] 297 00:12:26,871 --> 00:12:29,249 - Okay, chill. 298 00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:30,792 - Helen? 299 00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:36,798 - There's something I wanna show you, 300 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:39,759 you little slice of mincemeat pie. 301 00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:42,095 This was my grandma's. 302 00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:45,598 She wore it until the day after she died. 303 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,183 And I want you to do the same. 304 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:54,024 - And she just put a ring on the waitress's finger. 305 00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:56,109 Boy. - C'mon. 306 00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:58,987 - And they both just entered the bathroom. 307 00:12:59,029 --> 00:13:02,615 - Because they both have to go to the bathroom. 308 00:13:02,657 --> 00:13:03,908 - No, Michelle. 309 00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:06,369 - [gasps] Oh, I get it. 310 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,414 - [laughs] 311 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:12,292 - Well, when Shay Shay broke her leg in high school 312 00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:14,878 and had to quit the ski team, she was pretty bummed out. 313 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,963 So I had my cellmate break my finger. 314 00:13:17,005 --> 00:13:18,548 And together we became... 315 00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:22,218 both: The Broken Bones Brigade. [laughs] 316 00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:24,346 - I love that. A permanent tattoo. 317 00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:25,430 - She drew it. 318 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,974 Jack, you have an amazing woman here. 319 00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:30,643 - Well, Malachi, you're an amazing guy. 320 00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:33,396 - Go on with that snack girl. I'm a full meal. 321 00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:35,815 - What was that, Jack? - Oh, nothing. 322 00:13:36,691 --> 00:13:39,152 - I probably would have cut my wrists with a toilet shard 323 00:13:39,194 --> 00:13:40,987 if it weren't for her. You know, it was your basic 324 00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:42,489 "Legends of the Fall" situation. 325 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,783 First, she was like a little sister. 326 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:47,410 Next thing you know I'm like Brad Pitt scalping Nazis 327 00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:49,120 if anyone dared lay a finger on her. 328 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,581 - Yeah, you know... [chuckles] 329 00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:53,667 Technically he did that because of his brother. 330 00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:55,752 And they weren't Nazis, they were just German soldiers but-- 331 00:13:55,794 --> 00:13:57,962 - Well, someone knows a lot about "Legends of the Fall." 332 00:13:58,004 --> 00:14:00,799 - I do. - Fine, Jack. 333 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,885 Maybe you do know more about "Legends of the Fall" than me. 334 00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:07,055 If you need that, it's fine. 335 00:14:07,097 --> 00:14:09,474 Jesus Christ. 336 00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:12,435 [tense music] 337 00:14:12,477 --> 00:14:16,439 * * 338 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,566 - I know the ring happened fast, 339 00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:20,402 but when you know, you know. 340 00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:23,071 Keith said he knew we were destined to be together 341 00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:27,200 the moment his brother left me at the altar. 342 00:14:27,242 --> 00:14:28,535 - I don't know, y'all. 343 00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:30,537 I don't think this Kylie is a great listener. 344 00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:33,373 I said I wanted tater tots and not fries. 345 00:14:33,415 --> 00:14:35,709 See, this is why I was worried when she took our orders 346 00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:37,377 without writing anything down. 347 00:14:37,419 --> 00:14:38,712 I'm like, "What are you trying to prove?" 348 00:14:38,753 --> 00:14:41,381 - Exactly. And she didn't remember napkins either. 349 00:14:41,423 --> 00:14:43,842 Did she expect me to eat these ribs carefully? 350 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:48,596 - Yeah, I just don't get it. Like, how are they doing 351 00:14:48,638 --> 00:14:50,557 what they're doing in there, you know? 352 00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:52,976 Like, what's the bed? 353 00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,563 Okay, I've only had sex in beds, okay? 354 00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:59,232 There, I said it. I've only had sex in beds. 355 00:14:59,274 --> 00:15:01,067 Now you're--you're the only ones who know. 356 00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:02,902 [all chuckling] 357 00:15:02,944 --> 00:15:05,739 [both panting] - Oh. 358 00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:07,365 - Whew! 359 00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:11,286 - Hey, I was gonna use that for my birth control, 360 00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:13,747 but screw it. - Thanks. 361 00:15:13,788 --> 00:15:15,623 - That was my water. 362 00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:19,669 - Where are my manners? 363 00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:24,174 This is Kylie. She is the air I breathe. 364 00:15:24,215 --> 00:15:26,968 Air I breathe, these are my work friends. 365 00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:28,470 - Right. We met. Remember she told us 366 00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:30,430 the special was ham salad and we all went, 367 00:15:30,472 --> 00:15:32,766 "Ew, that's not special, that's nasty." 368 00:15:32,807 --> 00:15:33,975 - Yeah. - Remember? 369 00:15:34,017 --> 00:15:36,478 - You got a little guac on your nose. 370 00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:37,645 - Then get it. 371 00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:42,650 - Excuse me. Air Helen Breathes, 372 00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:44,652 can I please get a little bit of water? 373 00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:46,071 - Sure. Sorry. 374 00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:48,448 Is there anything else that you guys need or? 375 00:15:48,490 --> 00:15:50,158 - I speak on behalf of all of us 376 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:54,329 that you are literally all that we need. 377 00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:57,123 - Yeah, sure, you, and also, can we get a few napkins? 378 00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:58,667 I feel bad using Stef's coat. 379 00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:00,752 - Oh, uh-uh. 380 00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:04,964 - Helen, I feel it is my responsibility to say 381 00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:07,384 that you seem to be moving kind of fast 382 00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:09,761 and maybe headed towards the same mistakes 383 00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:11,888 that you made with Tanya. 384 00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:15,141 - Yeah. - You guys don't know me. 385 00:16:16,434 --> 00:16:19,521 She's been there for me in ways y'all never have. 386 00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:22,148 - Helen, she hasn't even been there to get you a fork. 387 00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:24,609 - This is how I always eat chicken. 388 00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,570 [quirky music] 389 00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:29,114 * * 390 00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:31,408 You don't have to watch. 391 00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:38,373 You know what? Forget you guys. 392 00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,084 [grunts] 393 00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:51,678 [laughter] 394 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,180 - Jack, do you realize how special this woman is? 395 00:16:54,222 --> 00:16:56,266 She taught me sign language. 396 00:16:56,307 --> 00:16:58,560 - Through the mail? - I had a deaf cellmate. 397 00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:00,395 Made it so I could talk to someone. 398 00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:03,023 - Oh, show him the sign that you made up, Chi. 399 00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:04,858 - Oh, I don't know. - Let me see it. 400 00:17:04,899 --> 00:17:06,317 - Okay, yeah. 401 00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:11,823 - Oh, okay. Yeah, that's cool. What does that mean? 402 00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:13,700 - It represents an emotion 403 00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:16,786 that the English language does not have a word for-- 404 00:17:16,828 --> 00:17:20,081 when you want something but you can't have it. 405 00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,418 - Oh, well, you know, just off the top of my head 406 00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:25,879 there's unobtainable, elusive, ungettable-- 407 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,213 - Gift time. 408 00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:30,050 - Right. You said you brought a present. 409 00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:31,509 [clears throat] 410 00:17:36,639 --> 00:17:38,266 Chi, 411 00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:41,227 I can see you worked really hard 412 00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:44,272 and put a lot of thought into this, 413 00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:46,733 but this makes me uncomfortable. 414 00:17:46,775 --> 00:17:49,861 You know that though, don't you? 415 00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:55,200 You normally give me beautiful drawings like those tall ships. 416 00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:56,868 Is this some sort of power move 417 00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:59,120 because you knew that Jack was gonna be here? 418 00:17:59,162 --> 00:18:02,290 - Can I see it, please? Just real quick. 419 00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:04,959 Excuse me, sir. Could you do me a big favor? 420 00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:07,754 Could you throw this in your filthiest garbage can? 421 00:18:07,796 --> 00:18:11,174 - Yeah, okay. I'll definitely do that. 422 00:18:11,216 --> 00:18:12,676 - I'm bouncing. 423 00:18:12,717 --> 00:18:15,303 You two will probably have more fun without me anyway. 424 00:18:19,057 --> 00:18:22,268 - I knew having the two of you meet would be a disaster. 425 00:18:22,310 --> 00:18:24,145 That's why I told you not to come. 426 00:18:24,187 --> 00:18:26,356 - You told me not to come? 427 00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:28,066 You said I was more than welcome. 428 00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:29,943 - That means don't come. 429 00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:31,778 - [sighs] 430 00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:34,406 That's what Marcus said. 431 00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:41,788 [soft music] 432 00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:44,249 - [sighs] 433 00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:46,418 I'm really sorry he left because of me. 434 00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:50,005 - He's at the host stand. - What? 435 00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:52,090 Oh. 436 00:18:52,132 --> 00:18:54,175 You know what? I'll go talk to him. 437 00:18:54,217 --> 00:18:57,095 - Go ahead. You're more than welcome. 438 00:18:57,137 --> 00:19:01,057 * * 439 00:19:01,099 --> 00:19:03,226 - Okay. 440 00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:05,228 Hey, bud, you might wanna slow down on those. 441 00:19:05,270 --> 00:19:06,438 We still have dessert. 442 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:09,274 - Life hack, free mints are dessert. 443 00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:10,608 - Oh, okay. Well, hey, listen, 444 00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:12,360 you know, if you want something else, 445 00:19:12,402 --> 00:19:14,195 we did just order a big brownie. 446 00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:20,827 - Shay Shay and I always order the apple pie. 447 00:19:20,869 --> 00:19:22,495 - Oh? 448 00:19:22,537 --> 00:19:24,289 All right, well, hey, if you guys want apple pie, 449 00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:26,124 I'm not gonna stand in the way. 450 00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,585 Hey, what was she talking about with the tall ships? 451 00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:30,712 - What, my drawings? - Yeah. 452 00:19:30,754 --> 00:19:33,298 I mean, I have pictures. 453 00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:35,925 - Can I see 'em? - Oh. 454 00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:37,635 [clears throat] Okay. 455 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,722 Well, this tall ship there's a shark coming straight at it. 456 00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:42,390 You can't see it 'cause it's underwater, 457 00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:43,767 but, I mean, I know it's there. 458 00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:45,393 - Oh, no, no, no. 459 00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:48,438 I know it's there too because of how scared the sailors look. 460 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,983 Yeah, that's really good, man. Wow. 461 00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:56,154 * * 462 00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:58,198 - [clears throat] 463 00:19:58,239 --> 00:20:02,327 I am truly sorry about the drawing. 464 00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:05,997 It sucked. 465 00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:07,165 - Thanks, Malachi. 466 00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:10,126 [mellow music] 467 00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:11,670 * * 468 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:14,547 - Good job on the hands. Incredibly realistic. 469 00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:18,093 Hands are not easy to draw. [both chuckle] 470 00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:22,597 You know, Malachi, we should do this again some time. 471 00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:25,850 - Golly gee, do you really mean it? 472 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:32,315 [tense music] 473 00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:34,067 [burps] 474 00:20:34,109 --> 00:20:36,361 I was kind of asking for real. 475 00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:38,196 I was just protecting myself with sarcasm. 476 00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:41,700 - Oh, okay. Well, yes, for real. 477 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,411 - Yeah, that would be cool with me. 478 00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:46,705 Quick, choose between us! 479 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:48,540 - What do you mean? - One lives, one dies. 480 00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:50,417 Who's it gonna be? Just a game. 481 00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:53,670 - Oh, God. One lives, one dies. 482 00:20:53,712 --> 00:20:55,588 Well, I mean, I guess I gotta go with Shayla to live. 483 00:20:55,630 --> 00:20:56,923 - [bleep]. - Oh. 484 00:20:56,965 --> 00:21:00,260 - No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. 485 00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:02,220 You and I just met tonight. 486 00:21:02,262 --> 00:21:04,264 - Plus, we're dating. 487 00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:06,474 - Right. Stupid. 488 00:21:06,516 --> 00:21:08,226 Probably wasn't even a fun debate. 489 00:21:08,268 --> 00:21:09,394 Thank you for humoring me. 490 00:21:09,436 --> 00:21:11,062 - [chuckles] It's fine. 491 00:21:11,104 --> 00:21:12,897 It's a very fun game. 492 00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:14,733 [both chuckle] 493 00:21:17,569 --> 00:21:19,612 - [no inaudible speech] 494 00:21:19,654 --> 00:21:23,324 - Okay, I've narrowed it down to a few non-bed places 495 00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:27,245 that I wanna try sex: a couch, a hot tub, 496 00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:30,415 the ocean. 497 00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:33,084 But the ocean, that's more for making love. 498 00:21:33,126 --> 00:21:35,045 all: Yeah. 499 00:21:35,086 --> 00:21:38,256 - You wanna save it for that. - Make it special. 500 00:21:38,298 --> 00:21:40,633 - It's over. 501 00:21:40,675 --> 00:21:43,428 I got dumped by a fiancée for the second time in one week. 502 00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:44,971 - Helen, I'm sorry. 503 00:21:45,013 --> 00:21:47,932 - But you know what? You're gonna be okay. 504 00:21:49,476 --> 00:21:52,270 - Oh, hello, waitress. 505 00:21:52,312 --> 00:21:55,607 - Hello, ma'am. 506 00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:57,108 Can I get you guys anything else? 507 00:21:57,150 --> 00:21:58,526 - Yes. We need napkins. 508 00:21:58,568 --> 00:22:00,945 We need ketchup. We need more water. 509 00:22:00,987 --> 00:22:02,697 And I need my grandma's ring back. 510 00:22:02,739 --> 00:22:05,825 - I am gonna try the churro bites. 511 00:22:05,867 --> 00:22:11,414 It's time to stop talking about it and just...do it. 512 00:22:11,456 --> 00:22:13,083 We'll get the check. 513 00:22:13,124 --> 00:22:16,795 - Will this be on one card? 514 00:22:16,836 --> 00:22:18,672 [sighs] Or I could split it five ways? 515 00:22:18,713 --> 00:22:20,256 - That would be amazing. - Could you? 516 00:22:20,298 --> 00:22:21,758 - All right, you guys. - Thank you. 517 00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:23,843 - That's my card. - Here we go. There we go. 518 00:22:23,885 --> 00:22:27,222 [overlapping chatter] - I just--it keeps it nice. 519 00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:29,724 That was nice of her. - [sighs] 520 00:22:29,766 --> 00:22:31,434 I forgot how sweet she could be 521 00:22:31,476 --> 00:22:34,688 with stuff like that sometimes. 522 00:22:34,729 --> 00:22:36,314 I'm gonna go thank her. 523 00:22:36,356 --> 00:22:39,025 * * 524 00:22:44,823 --> 00:22:48,535 - Ms. Fist, it's time we had a little talk. 525 00:22:48,576 --> 00:22:51,746 You have been way outta your jurisdiction. 526 00:22:51,788 --> 00:22:54,165 You're just a damn receptionist. 527 00:22:54,207 --> 00:22:55,959 Now, hand over the gun! 528 00:22:56,001 --> 00:22:57,669 - Hello, Mayor. 529 00:22:57,711 --> 00:22:59,587 You're more than welcome to have it. 530 00:22:59,629 --> 00:23:01,131 [dramatic music] 531 00:23:01,172 --> 00:23:04,384 To death. 532 00:23:04,426 --> 00:23:07,303 To hell. [gunshot] 533 00:23:07,345 --> 00:23:11,057 * * 534 00:23:11,099 --> 00:23:14,352 - [off-tune] * She regrets every kill * 535 00:23:14,394 --> 00:23:16,771 * Every single kill * 536 00:23:16,813 --> 00:23:18,982 * She's Janet Fist * 537 00:23:19,024 --> 00:23:24,112 * And she's trying her best * 538 00:23:24,154 --> 00:23:28,658 * She's Janet Fist and she's trying her best * 539 00:23:28,700 --> 00:23:34,456 * She's trying her best *