1
00:00:14,070 --> 00:00:16,275
- [HORN BLARES]
- Hey, watch out!
2
00:00:18,642 --> 00:00:20,942
Are you crazy? You almost killed me!
3
00:00:21,011 --> 00:00:22,911
- Oh, that was crazy, huh?
- What were you doing?
4
00:00:22,979 --> 00:00:24,679
- Yeah, so sorry to scare you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
5
00:00:24,748 --> 00:00:26,247
Where you going? Where you going?
6
00:00:26,316 --> 00:00:27,782
I thought you wanted to talk.
7
00:00:27,851 --> 00:00:29,050
Huh, you were talking before, man.
8
00:00:29,119 --> 00:00:30,673
- What happened?
- [GASPS]
9
00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:33,899
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
10
00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:38,726
All right, everybody, let's go ahead
11
00:00:38,795 --> 00:00:40,222
and start to shut up now.
12
00:00:40,927 --> 00:00:43,327
Let's go ahead and start
to settle into your seats
13
00:00:43,396 --> 00:00:45,502
and begin shutting your mouths.
14
00:00:46,032 --> 00:00:48,309
All rights, so my name...
15
00:00:48,868 --> 00:00:49,930
[GRUNTS]
16
00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:00,834
My name's Jack Griffin.
17
00:01:04,611 --> 00:01:05,799
And I don't wanna be here.
18
00:01:06,951 --> 00:01:08,784
I am an award-winning philosophy scholar,
19
00:01:08,853 --> 00:01:10,419
who for reasons I won't go in to
20
00:01:10,488 --> 00:01:12,021
finds himself with a free year.
21
00:01:12,278 --> 00:01:15,057
So I'm living in my dead
mom's apartment here in Toledo
22
00:01:15,126 --> 00:01:17,478
while killing a little
bit of time teaching...
23
00:01:19,017 --> 00:01:21,395
Advanced Placement Biology.
24
00:01:21,856 --> 00:01:24,633
But here's the deal, I
do not care about biology.
25
00:01:24,702 --> 00:01:26,412
We're not gonna do any biology in here.
26
00:01:26,459 --> 00:01:27,692
And to be perfectly clear,
27
00:01:27,761 --> 00:01:28,893
this won't be one of those things
28
00:01:28,962 --> 00:01:30,528
where over the course of a year
29
00:01:30,597 --> 00:01:32,830
I secretly teach it to you.
30
00:01:33,298 --> 00:01:34,998
This also won't be one of those things
31
00:01:35,067 --> 00:01:37,300
where I end up learning more from you
32
00:01:37,369 --> 00:01:39,135
than you do from me.
33
00:01:39,204 --> 00:01:40,937
I know more than all of you combined,
34
00:01:41,006 --> 00:01:43,152
so, ha, that doesn't make any sense.
35
00:01:43,408 --> 00:01:45,400
I'm gonna spend the majority of my time
36
00:01:45,556 --> 00:01:47,956
mentally breaking my nemesis
37
00:01:48,003 --> 00:01:50,650
with the ultimate goal of taking his job
38
00:01:50,650 --> 00:01:52,250
as the head of Stanford Philosophy
39
00:01:52,317 --> 00:01:54,651
and then I'm gonna have
sex with as many women
40
00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:58,069
as I possibly can throughout
the entire state of California.
41
00:01:58,590 --> 00:02:01,491
But you don't need to
concern yourselves with that.
42
00:02:01,962 --> 00:02:03,427
Uh, let's see.
43
00:02:03,495 --> 00:02:05,095
Feel like I might be forgetting something.
44
00:02:05,530 --> 00:02:06,996
"Mentally breaking my nemesis,
45
00:02:07,064 --> 00:02:09,079
"sex with every woman in
California." No, that was it.
46
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,191
Welcome to AP Bio.
47
00:02:12,638 --> 00:02:14,338
[RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART"]
48
00:02:14,407 --> 00:02:16,140
One, two, three, four!
49
00:02:16,209 --> 00:02:18,442
♪ Next time I'll listen to my heart ♪
50
00:02:18,511 --> 00:02:21,278
♪ Next time well I'll be smart ♪
51
00:02:21,347 --> 00:02:24,632
♪
52
00:02:24,656 --> 00:02:27,424
Synced and corrected by
requiem_aranea
53
00:02:31,057 --> 00:02:32,346
Absolute garbage.
54
00:02:33,806 --> 00:02:34,822
Put 'em down.
55
00:02:35,119 --> 00:02:37,157
Look, I realize you guys are all nerds
56
00:02:37,197 --> 00:02:39,275
and you want good GPAs, all right?
57
00:02:39,314 --> 00:02:40,702
Is that what's going on here?
58
00:02:40,849 --> 00:02:42,103
I'll make you a deal.
59
00:02:42,103 --> 00:02:43,837
If you tell anybody I'm
not teaching you biology,
60
00:02:43,905 --> 00:02:44,912
you get an F.
61
00:02:44,937 --> 00:02:46,796
If you keep your mouth
shut, you get an A-plus.
62
00:02:47,013 --> 00:02:48,079
Look at it this way.
63
00:02:48,104 --> 00:02:50,004
You guys are all tired teens.
64
00:02:50,412 --> 00:02:52,312
This is gonna be your
opportunity to take a nap.
65
00:02:52,381 --> 00:02:54,029
And if you're not tired,
66
00:02:55,384 --> 00:02:56,851
pop an Advil PM,
67
00:02:57,386 --> 00:02:59,052
and you will be out, trust me.
68
00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:01,319
What are you doing? Come
on, put your hand down.
69
00:03:01,388 --> 00:03:03,545
I'm serious. You're months
away from being an adult,
70
00:03:03,545 --> 00:03:04,945
and you need to start acting like one.
71
00:03:05,014 --> 00:03:06,079
Just... talk.
72
00:03:06,148 --> 00:03:07,894
My name is Sarika Sarkar,
73
00:03:08,050 --> 00:03:10,117
and I speak on behalf of
the entire student body
74
00:03:10,185 --> 00:03:12,914
when I express our extreme displeasure
75
00:03:12,994 --> 00:03:14,360
in you not teaching us biology.
76
00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:15,668
I'm sorry, could you say it again?
77
00:03:15,982 --> 00:03:17,448
I believe I speak on behalf...
78
00:03:17,517 --> 00:03:18,816
No, no, not that junk.
79
00:03:19,104 --> 00:03:20,184
Your name.
80
00:03:20,253 --> 00:03:22,319
Oh, Sarika Sarkar.
81
00:03:22,814 --> 00:03:23,968
That's a great name.
82
00:03:24,792 --> 00:03:27,159
I love the philosopher Prabhat Sarkar.
83
00:03:27,315 --> 00:03:31,117
The entire universe exists
within the cosmic mind.
84
00:03:31,486 --> 00:03:33,853
What are you guys doing?
Don't write that down.
85
00:03:33,878 --> 00:03:35,295
That's not me teaching you stuff.
86
00:03:36,265 --> 00:03:37,622
Who's this prince of darkness?
87
00:03:38,201 --> 00:03:39,379
This your book?
88
00:03:39,569 --> 00:03:41,814
- _
- Yeah? So?
89
00:03:41,923 --> 00:03:43,689
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Mr. Griffin?
90
00:03:44,228 --> 00:03:45,707
I think you're in trouble.
91
00:03:46,057 --> 00:03:47,274
Could we, uh...
92
00:03:47,343 --> 00:03:49,582
Could I talk to you out here for a second?
93
00:03:49,691 --> 00:03:50,759
Uh-huh.
94
00:03:51,214 --> 00:03:54,114
[GENTLE MUSIC]
95
00:03:54,183 --> 00:03:55,316
♪
96
00:03:55,384 --> 00:03:56,891
Could I get a new chair?
97
00:03:57,111 --> 00:03:59,444
A new cha... well, I don't
know if that's in our budget.
98
00:03:59,514 --> 00:04:00,513
- It's fine, forget it.
- Okay.
99
00:04:00,582 --> 00:04:01,928
Forget it. What's up?
100
00:04:01,953 --> 00:04:03,231
- What's up?
- Um...
101
00:04:04,255 --> 00:04:05,733
Is it laundry day or...
102
00:04:06,434 --> 00:04:08,023
What's that supposed to mean, man?
103
00:04:08,092 --> 00:04:09,839
I probably forgot to tell you,
104
00:04:09,839 --> 00:04:11,939
we sort of have a bit of
a dress code here, so...
105
00:04:12,007 --> 00:04:14,277
Hey, look, Ralph, I
want to wear sweatpants.
106
00:04:14,375 --> 00:04:16,175
You want to say that your school's got
107
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,010
a former Harvard professor
teaching at it, right?
108
00:04:18,046 --> 00:04:19,592
Looks good for your school, right?
109
00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:21,358
Okay, please, I wasn't
trying to be aggressive here.
110
00:04:21,427 --> 00:04:23,987
Right, but what you said
to me right now, it sucked.
111
00:04:24,038 --> 00:04:25,638
- Okay.
- You know, the worst part is
112
00:04:25,663 --> 00:04:27,083
I was starting to like you, man.
113
00:04:27,126 --> 00:04:29,714
You know, like in a buds who get
drinks once a week kind of a way.
114
00:04:29,714 --> 00:04:31,014
Well, that's... that's us.
115
00:04:31,039 --> 00:04:33,108
- We could still do that.
- I don't know.
116
00:04:33,143 --> 00:04:34,376
I... you know what, I think you're just
117
00:04:34,401 --> 00:04:35,666
blowing this thing out of proportion.
118
00:04:35,691 --> 00:04:37,496
Because I'm a laidback principal.
119
00:04:37,565 --> 00:04:38,931
You know, they make me wear this suit.
120
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,566
I don't want to dress this sharp every day,
121
00:04:40,635 --> 00:04:42,702
but I have to 'cause
I'm an authority figure,
122
00:04:42,770 --> 00:04:45,487
but I'm still laidback,
and you're gonna see that.
123
00:04:45,773 --> 00:04:46,806
You know what,
124
00:04:47,768 --> 00:04:49,232
let's forget the whole thing.
125
00:04:49,503 --> 00:04:50,669
- Come here.
- All right, I... I...
126
00:04:50,738 --> 00:04:53,339
- Come here.
- [LAUGHS]
127
00:04:53,407 --> 00:04:54,471
That's my guy.
128
00:04:54,537 --> 00:04:56,449
Do you still wanna get
that beer tonight or...
129
00:04:56,474 --> 00:04:57,810
No. No, no, no.
130
00:04:57,865 --> 00:05:00,489
See, I'm trying to make a
plan to bang my high school ex
131
00:05:00,514 --> 00:05:02,214
as hard as I can, you know what I'm saying?
132
00:05:02,253 --> 00:05:04,087
Let's use our hallway voice
when we talk about that.
133
00:05:04,155 --> 00:05:05,655
Yes, I'm trying to set that up.
134
00:05:05,724 --> 00:05:07,608
- All right.
- Okay.
135
00:05:08,535 --> 00:05:09,686
All right.
136
00:05:10,877 --> 00:05:12,410
You wrecked the sign.
137
00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:14,299
That's why I came here to...
138
00:05:15,076 --> 00:05:17,315
It's too late, Ralph, It's too late.
139
00:05:17,708 --> 00:05:20,051
Uh, let's see a hall pass.
140
00:05:20,366 --> 00:05:22,473
You were holding it, okay.
141
00:05:22,473 --> 00:05:24,506
["I AM A PILGRIM" PLAYS]
142
00:05:25,428 --> 00:05:28,295
♪ I am a pilgrim ♪
143
00:05:28,364 --> 00:05:30,264
♪ And a stranger ♪
144
00:05:30,333 --> 00:05:33,100
♪ Travelling through ♪
145
00:05:33,169 --> 00:05:37,137
♪ I am a pilgrim ♪
146
00:05:37,752 --> 00:05:41,642
♪ And a stranger ♪
147
00:05:41,711 --> 00:05:45,112
♪ Travelling through ♪
148
00:05:45,181 --> 00:05:47,081
♪ This weary land ♪
149
00:05:47,282 --> 00:05:48,415
- [LINE RINGS]
- Hello.
150
00:05:48,596 --> 00:05:50,129
Miles, it's Jack.
151
00:05:50,197 --> 00:05:52,264
Jack, greetings from California.
152
00:05:52,333 --> 00:05:54,133
Yeah, I heard you
got the Stanford job.
153
00:05:54,201 --> 00:05:56,768
Also, congrats on the new book
making the bestseller list.
154
00:05:57,341 --> 00:05:58,770
I'm sure you'll keep killing everything,
155
00:05:58,839 --> 00:06:00,154
barring some sort of...
156
00:06:00,179 --> 00:06:01,450
- mental collapse.
- _
157
00:06:01,492 --> 00:06:04,260
[LAUGHS] Hey, look, I think
forcing you out of Harvard
158
00:06:04,329 --> 00:06:05,784
- was an overreaction.
- _
159
00:06:05,784 --> 00:06:08,086
I'm sure there's tons of
schools dying to snag you.
160
00:06:08,111 --> 00:06:09,486
Yeah, no, big time.
161
00:06:09,554 --> 00:06:12,172
Yeah, I'm just kind of
weighing all my options.
162
00:06:12,665 --> 00:06:13,964
Look, Miles, I gotta run.
163
00:06:14,033 --> 00:06:15,295
Okay. All right, mate.
164
00:06:15,295 --> 00:06:17,630
Hey, listen, next time
you're out west, okay?
165
00:06:18,634 --> 00:06:19,698
Jack?
166
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:25,334
Didn't drop at all.
167
00:06:26,342 --> 00:06:30,444
♪ Well I got a home in ♪
168
00:06:30,513 --> 00:06:33,314
♪ That yonder city ♪
169
00:06:33,382 --> 00:06:35,082
♪ My lord ♪
170
00:06:35,151 --> 00:06:36,917
♪ And it's not ♪
171
00:06:36,986 --> 00:06:38,586
♪ Good lordy well it's not ♪
172
00:06:38,654 --> 00:06:41,922
♪ Not made by hand, oh yes ♪
173
00:06:43,430 --> 00:06:44,859
Yo, that's a nice backpack, freak.
174
00:06:44,884 --> 00:06:46,047
Give me your backpack, psycho.
175
00:06:47,087 --> 00:06:48,279
Hey, did you hear me?
176
00:06:48,889 --> 00:06:50,088
You deaf or something? Give me your back...
177
00:06:50,157 --> 00:06:52,326
Where you going? Come here.
178
00:06:53,026 --> 00:06:55,927
[INTENSE MUSIC]
179
00:06:55,996 --> 00:06:58,029
♪
180
00:07:01,192 --> 00:07:02,834
Okay, so it was crazy, right?
181
00:07:02,903 --> 00:07:04,803
So then my date shows up to my house
182
00:07:04,871 --> 00:07:06,671
in a soaking wet T-shirt,
183
00:07:06,740 --> 00:07:08,707
talking about something he
just got out of the bath.
184
00:07:08,775 --> 00:07:11,576
Now what kinda grown
baby man still takes baths?
185
00:07:11,645 --> 00:07:13,211
See, that's what I said.
It's like, who is this?
186
00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:14,732
My husband takes baths.
187
00:07:15,315 --> 00:07:16,681
- Yeah.
- Okay.
188
00:07:16,750 --> 00:07:19,890
Okay, so anyway, the
date was at a full medium,
189
00:07:19,915 --> 00:07:23,516
and he has the nerve to text
me, like, ten minutes ago,
190
00:07:23,585 --> 00:07:25,118
talking about some, "Do a butt pic."
191
00:07:25,187 --> 00:07:26,920
- Huh?
- Okay, he sounds like a jerk.
192
00:07:26,989 --> 00:07:29,055
But do you want us to
take a pic of your butt?
193
00:07:29,124 --> 00:07:30,557
No, no, no, no, 'cause
see, this is how I do it.
194
00:07:30,625 --> 00:07:31,858
Okay, so now the dumb ones don't know
195
00:07:31,927 --> 00:07:33,360
that this is an arm butt.
196
00:07:33,428 --> 00:07:34,995
- Hmm.
- So then I take this.
197
00:07:35,063 --> 00:07:37,464
And I just go ahead and just line that up.
198
00:07:37,532 --> 00:07:39,332
Let that focus a little bit.
199
00:07:39,401 --> 00:07:41,034
There we go. Little juicy cheeks.
200
00:07:41,103 --> 00:07:42,569
- That looks like a crack.
- Juicy, okay.
201
00:07:42,637 --> 00:07:44,828
See the new guy knows what's up.
202
00:07:44,930 --> 00:07:47,540
- It's Jack, right? From Harvard?
- Yeah.
203
00:07:47,609 --> 00:07:49,342
Ooh, Harvard Jack.
204
00:07:49,411 --> 00:07:51,852
All right, well, have you
been out on any dates lately?
205
00:07:51,963 --> 00:07:54,485
Funny you should ask,
I've actually got firm plans
206
00:07:54,532 --> 00:07:57,250
to bang my high school ex as
hard as I can tonight, so...
207
00:07:57,319 --> 00:07:59,310
Oh, he's gonna bang her
208
00:07:59,335 --> 00:08:01,540
as hard as he can tonight.
209
00:08:01,580 --> 00:08:03,633
Not regular hard. Aggressively hard.
210
00:08:04,033 --> 00:08:05,635
So it seems like you're
enjoying yourself here?
211
00:08:05,704 --> 00:08:08,306
God no. I'm teaching high school in Toledo.
212
00:08:08,573 --> 00:08:09,886
It's terrible.
213
00:08:11,315 --> 00:08:13,415
Anyways, guess what I'm making the kids do
214
00:08:13,484 --> 00:08:15,150
- in my class today.
- BOTH: What?
215
00:08:15,219 --> 00:08:17,152
They have to draw a
flattering picture of me
216
00:08:17,221 --> 00:08:18,954
and then give it to their dads.
217
00:08:19,023 --> 00:08:20,689
Ooh, yes, you know what I tell my kids.
218
00:08:20,758 --> 00:08:21,890
Okay, 'cause you know how we're learning
219
00:08:21,959 --> 00:08:23,559
- about recycling, right?
- Mm-hmm.
220
00:08:23,627 --> 00:08:24,693
I just made them clean the trash
221
00:08:24,731 --> 00:08:25,871
out the backseat of my car.
222
00:08:25,901 --> 00:08:27,801
Snatch that plastic and recycle it.
223
00:08:28,689 --> 00:08:29,740
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
224
00:08:29,765 --> 00:08:31,633
Are you saying we can make
the kids do whatever we want?
225
00:08:31,659 --> 00:08:33,053
- Mm-hmm.
- BOTH: Yeah.
226
00:08:34,893 --> 00:08:36,049
[BELL RINGS]
227
00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:38,879
- This better work.
- Always does.
228
00:08:38,948 --> 00:08:40,481
All right, everybody,
229
00:08:40,549 --> 00:08:42,364
go ahead and start to shut your mouths.
230
00:08:42,638 --> 00:08:44,205
Settle into your chairs.
231
00:08:44,273 --> 00:08:45,544
Oh, oh, God!
232
00:08:47,075 --> 00:08:48,476
This chair sucks.
233
00:08:48,982 --> 00:08:50,162
Okay, listen up.
234
00:08:50,162 --> 00:08:52,155
No, you listen up.
235
00:08:52,798 --> 00:08:54,731
♪ You don't wanna teach us biology ♪
236
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,601
♪ And we know you used to teach philosophy ♪
237
00:08:57,670 --> 00:08:59,169
♪ Well we think biology... ♪
238
00:08:59,238 --> 00:09:00,737
Whoa, whoa, shut up, shut
up, shut up, no, no, no.
239
00:09:00,806 --> 00:09:02,639
Stop. Turn the music off. Turn it off.
240
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:03,941
♪ Oh yeah ♪
241
00:09:04,009 --> 00:09:05,086
[MUSIC STOPS]
242
00:09:05,607 --> 00:09:07,584
Take your seats. What are you, nuts?
243
00:09:08,243 --> 00:09:10,110
Don't ever surprise me with a rap.
244
00:09:10,515 --> 00:09:11,884
Don't ever rap about learning.
245
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:14,186
- [COUGHING]
- Oh, boy.
246
00:09:17,892 --> 00:09:18,845
Oh, no.
247
00:09:19,293 --> 00:09:21,133
You had a saxophone solo in your rap?
248
00:09:21,664 --> 00:09:23,029
Yeah. That's too bad.
249
00:09:23,571 --> 00:09:25,054
Why don't you come on
out of there, big guy.
250
00:09:26,324 --> 00:09:28,417
Wanna toss that puppy in the trash for me?
251
00:09:29,235 --> 00:09:30,497
- Yeah.
- Good.
252
00:09:30,972 --> 00:09:33,599
Saxophones do not belong in rap music.
253
00:09:34,536 --> 00:09:36,159
You were gonna make it rain, huh?
254
00:09:38,402 --> 00:09:40,184
Wet notebooks part of the rap thing?
255
00:09:41,431 --> 00:09:42,456
No.
256
00:09:45,390 --> 00:09:46,406
All right.
257
00:09:48,749 --> 00:09:50,749
Now look, I realize I haven't been
258
00:09:50,818 --> 00:09:52,784
making the most of your
time, but that is gonna
259
00:09:52,853 --> 00:09:54,753
start to change as of right now.
260
00:09:54,822 --> 00:09:56,688
As I mentioned, I've
been trying to mentally
261
00:09:56,757 --> 00:09:59,090
break my nemesis, Miles Leonard.
262
00:09:59,159 --> 00:10:01,226
He currently has the job
that is rightfully mine,
263
00:10:01,251 --> 00:10:02,517
and I want it back.
264
00:10:02,629 --> 00:10:03,894
He seems to be winning at the moment,
265
00:10:03,894 --> 00:10:05,694
but by the time we're done with him,
266
00:10:06,026 --> 00:10:08,126
he's gonna be in a loony
bin begging for death.
267
00:10:08,371 --> 00:10:09,828
Don't you think you'd have a better chance
268
00:10:09,896 --> 00:10:11,329
of getting the job if you
focused on working hard
269
00:10:11,398 --> 00:10:13,398
as opposed to trying to make him go crazy?
270
00:10:13,423 --> 00:10:14,855
No, you see my actions are justified
271
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,847
because they produce a better outcome
272
00:10:17,224 --> 00:10:19,158
than any other action
in this particular case.
273
00:10:19,226 --> 00:10:20,559
It's a basic philosophy,
274
00:10:20,628 --> 00:10:22,995
act utilitarianism, Jeremy Bentham.
275
00:10:23,397 --> 00:10:24,658
Stop writing that down.
276
00:10:24,965 --> 00:10:27,702
Now I happen to know that
Miles is currently single.
277
00:10:28,201 --> 00:10:31,736
So your assignment for
today is to catfish him
278
00:10:32,084 --> 00:10:33,506
on his Facebook page.
279
00:10:34,374 --> 00:10:35,480
[CHUCKLES]
280
00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:38,743
What are you guys waiting for? Catfish!
281
00:10:38,812 --> 00:10:40,478
Write a flirty Facebook message,
282
00:10:40,547 --> 00:10:42,213
you know, using a fake name.
283
00:10:42,282 --> 00:10:44,349
You call yourself, like, Linda,
284
00:10:44,418 --> 00:10:45,915
and we'll send the best one to Miles.
285
00:10:45,986 --> 00:10:47,385
All right, look, at this
point you guys should all be
286
00:10:47,454 --> 00:10:49,051
catfishing or dead asleep.
287
00:10:56,744 --> 00:10:58,853
So if you Google Jack Griffin,
288
00:10:58,947 --> 00:11:01,017
the first ten results are this video.
289
00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:04,386
"Old dude handles slightly less old dude."
290
00:11:05,155 --> 00:11:07,055
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
291
00:11:07,124 --> 00:11:09,458
- Whoa.
- [CHUCKLES]
292
00:11:09,526 --> 00:11:11,193
- [GROANS]
- _
293
00:11:11,261 --> 00:11:13,595
Okay, everybody, begin to shut up.
294
00:11:13,664 --> 00:11:15,263
Let's everyone shut your mouths now
295
00:11:15,332 --> 00:11:16,802
and settle into your chairs.
296
00:11:17,005 --> 00:11:20,373
All right, let's hear some
of these catfish messages.
297
00:11:20,824 --> 00:11:23,091
- You wanna start?
- Please no.
298
00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,077
All right. Prince of Darkness,
299
00:11:25,125 --> 00:11:26,952
I see you working on something
over there. What you got?
300
00:11:27,757 --> 00:11:30,591
"Dear Miles, you don't
know me but you will.
301
00:11:30,660 --> 00:11:33,526
"We will marry under the
black sun of Satan's breath.
302
00:11:34,597 --> 00:11:36,263
"I'll be the final face you see
303
00:11:36,308 --> 00:11:38,141
"as I wrap my hands around your neck
304
00:11:38,190 --> 00:11:40,150
and suck your soul into my mouth."
305
00:11:40,536 --> 00:11:43,137
Wow, somebody alert the authorities.
306
00:11:43,206 --> 00:11:44,366
You know what I mean?
307
00:11:45,241 --> 00:11:47,007
No, I'm kidding, I'm
joking. It's great, really.
308
00:11:47,076 --> 00:11:48,722
It's very descriptive.
309
00:11:48,747 --> 00:11:51,958
You know, maybe just make it
a little bit more, uh, female.
310
00:11:52,136 --> 00:11:55,824
You know? All right, you.
311
00:11:56,374 --> 00:11:57,888
I want to hear something from you.
312
00:12:01,457 --> 00:12:03,393
- "Hey, boy, you're..."
- Louder.
313
00:12:04,148 --> 00:12:05,982
"Hey, boy, you're smooth
314
00:12:06,050 --> 00:12:08,331
"like butter dripping off of chocolate.
315
00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:10,261
"Gonna lick you up and down.
316
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,442
"Drip, slurp, yum.
317
00:12:12,442 --> 00:12:15,568
Give me that sweet wet sugar mess."
318
00:12:16,255 --> 00:12:18,078
Hmm, no. Let's do keep in mind
319
00:12:18,147 --> 00:12:20,445
that this will be the first message
320
00:12:20,492 --> 00:12:23,225
that Miles will be hearing
from a total stranger,
321
00:12:23,250 --> 00:12:25,349
but, you know, it's a great start.
322
00:12:26,157 --> 00:12:27,178
Good.
323
00:12:27,179 --> 00:12:28,812
- Mr. Griffin.
- Oh!
324
00:12:28,881 --> 00:12:30,314
Ralph, you snuck up on me.
325
00:12:30,382 --> 00:12:33,350
Yeah, uh, I put in your
request for the new chair,
326
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,218
and so that's in front of the board now.
327
00:12:35,243 --> 00:12:37,254
Okay, great, well, let me
know how they vote, all right?
328
00:12:37,323 --> 00:12:39,122
- This is biology?
- Oh, absolutely.
329
00:12:39,152 --> 00:12:40,248
Sugar mess?
330
00:12:40,286 --> 00:12:41,886
Yeah, we're in the
middle of it. Take care now.
331
00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:43,904
Whoa, look at the Prince of
D going strong over there.
332
00:12:43,973 --> 00:12:45,539
Give us another snippet.
333
00:12:45,607 --> 00:12:47,951
"And fire and blood will pour from my eyes
334
00:12:47,995 --> 00:12:49,980
"as I gaze upon your ravaged body.
335
00:12:50,349 --> 00:12:53,517
By the way, I am a female demon."
336
00:12:53,730 --> 00:12:56,564
I see a lot of myself in you.
You are going places, Devin.
337
00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:59,043
You guys are pretty good
at this. You having fun?
338
00:12:59,086 --> 00:13:00,986
- ALL: Yeah.
- All right, who's next?
339
00:13:01,011 --> 00:13:02,259
[CLEARS THROAT]
340
00:13:06,282 --> 00:13:07,304
"Dear Miles,
341
00:13:07,334 --> 00:13:10,085
"I want to make you
blush, make you feel safe.
342
00:13:10,452 --> 00:13:12,915
"I want to lay next to
you and laugh until we cry.
343
00:13:13,455 --> 00:13:16,556
"I want to grow old together,
and when we're old we'll say,
344
00:13:16,625 --> 00:13:18,694
'I don't mind because I have you.'"
345
00:13:18,927 --> 00:13:21,227
[GENTLE MUSIC]
346
00:13:21,555 --> 00:13:22,927
That's what I'm talking about, guys.
347
00:13:22,977 --> 00:13:24,366
Give it up, give it up.
348
00:13:25,767 --> 00:13:27,420
All right, let's go home.
349
00:13:27,902 --> 00:13:30,312
But we have other classes.
350
00:13:30,705 --> 00:13:31,887
All right, whatever.
351
00:13:33,697 --> 00:13:35,441
So that pretty much catches you up to speed
352
00:13:35,510 --> 00:13:37,410
on what I've been up to since we broke up.
353
00:13:38,329 --> 00:13:40,708
Um, you skipped a part, Jack.
354
00:13:41,074 --> 00:13:42,047
Did I?
355
00:13:42,150 --> 00:13:44,837
Well, I heard that you
got passed up for tenure,
356
00:13:44,910 --> 00:13:46,982
and now no university will touch you.
357
00:13:47,312 --> 00:13:49,279
I also heard that a very old guy
358
00:13:49,304 --> 00:13:51,176
got you in some kind of a choke hold.
359
00:13:51,683 --> 00:13:53,968
How'd I skip that part?
That's the juicy part.
360
00:13:56,187 --> 00:13:59,730
What do you say we go back
to your place after this?
361
00:14:01,650 --> 00:14:03,105
My boyfriend is finishing
362
00:14:03,106 --> 00:14:04,864
his rounds in an hour at the hospital,
363
00:14:04,864 --> 00:14:06,570
and I'm gonna actually meet up with him.
364
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:09,491
You should. Yeah, no, that's, uh...
365
00:14:09,802 --> 00:14:11,468
[AGGRESSIVE ROCK MUSIC]
366
00:14:11,537 --> 00:14:12,903
[CLEARS THROAT]
367
00:14:13,698 --> 00:14:14,821
Damn it!
368
00:14:15,408 --> 00:14:16,968
- Ugh!
- [PHONE CHIMES]
369
00:14:17,047 --> 00:14:18,586
- ♪
- _
370
00:14:18,611 --> 00:14:19,844
Oh, damn it!
371
00:14:19,912 --> 00:14:22,813
God! Agh!
372
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:30,120
Okay, class, um,
373
00:14:30,359 --> 00:14:33,905
Mr. Griffin is not coming in today.
374
00:14:33,930 --> 00:14:35,463
According to the note we got,
375
00:14:35,531 --> 00:14:38,813
he has been put in prison,
376
00:14:39,066 --> 00:14:42,006
but, quote, not for life.
377
00:14:42,871 --> 00:14:44,160
Coach Novak.
378
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:45,615
Textbooks out.
379
00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:47,227
What?
380
00:14:47,296 --> 00:14:49,730
Welcome. My name is Sarika Sarkar.
381
00:14:49,799 --> 00:14:51,198
Wait, what's your name?
382
00:14:51,586 --> 00:14:52,927
Sarika Sarkar.
383
00:14:53,337 --> 00:14:55,370
Like the philosopher.
384
00:14:55,433 --> 00:14:56,977
I'm gonna call you Sarah, all right?
385
00:14:57,243 --> 00:14:58,809
Can anyone tell me where you're at?
386
00:14:58,852 --> 00:15:01,150
We are...
387
00:15:01,175 --> 00:15:03,141
- Ten pushups.
- Say what now?
388
00:15:03,210 --> 00:15:05,405
20. You owe me ten pushups
389
00:15:05,449 --> 00:15:07,782
for every time you spoke
without raising your hand.
390
00:15:07,851 --> 00:15:09,088
Okay.
391
00:15:09,953 --> 00:15:11,773
What the hell is this puddle?
392
00:15:12,667 --> 00:15:16,068
Get a mop to dry that up
then go to the principal
393
00:15:16,138 --> 00:15:18,036
and say you need a Saturday detention.
394
00:15:18,664 --> 00:15:21,865
Okay, bio-logy. You
with the glasses, read.
395
00:15:22,028 --> 00:15:24,628
ALL: "The cell is the basic structural..."
396
00:15:24,697 --> 00:15:26,397
All right, thanks, man. I got it from here.
397
00:15:26,465 --> 00:15:27,698
Appreciate it.
398
00:15:27,767 --> 00:15:28,933
Listen, I've never begun a class
399
00:15:28,958 --> 00:15:30,401
and not finished it before.
400
00:15:30,469 --> 00:15:31,535
Good for you.
401
00:15:31,604 --> 00:15:32,803
I go from bell to bell.
402
00:15:32,872 --> 00:15:34,839
It's cool, man. I got it
from here though, seriously.
403
00:15:35,539 --> 00:15:37,842
Okay, let me catch you guys up.
404
00:15:37,910 --> 00:15:41,245
So last night I found out my nemesis Miles
405
00:15:41,314 --> 00:15:43,214
got a MacArthur Genius Grant
406
00:15:43,282 --> 00:15:45,416
just after my ex turned my down for sex.
407
00:15:45,484 --> 00:15:47,585
So I got angry, I got very drunk,
408
00:15:47,653 --> 00:15:50,487
and I went pee-pee on the
hospital where she works.
409
00:15:51,039 --> 00:15:53,239
A police officer suggested that I stop.
410
00:15:53,308 --> 00:15:55,809
I suggested that he pleasure me sexually.
411
00:15:56,083 --> 00:15:57,161
He did not.
412
00:15:57,946 --> 00:16:01,436
Instead, he hurt my
arm, and I went to jail.
413
00:16:03,865 --> 00:16:06,586
So that catches you guys up to speed.
414
00:16:06,655 --> 00:16:09,271
Why don't we get back to work
on destroying Miles' sanity.
415
00:16:17,322 --> 00:16:18,521
Yeah, hang on.
416
00:16:21,352 --> 00:16:23,503
Hey, Ralph, Devin.
417
00:16:23,891 --> 00:16:25,238
You guys hang out?
418
00:16:25,307 --> 00:16:29,070
No, Devin got himself arrested earlier.
419
00:16:29,183 --> 00:16:33,119
They got him on public
urination and resisting arrest.
420
00:16:33,187 --> 00:16:35,521
What? No way, they literally got me
421
00:16:35,590 --> 00:16:36,889
for that same thing last night.
422
00:16:37,241 --> 00:16:38,247
It's quotas.
423
00:16:38,247 --> 00:16:42,215
Yeah, turns out Devin went potty
424
00:16:42,284 --> 00:16:46,186
on the house of a boy who is bullying him.
425
00:16:46,733 --> 00:16:48,407
I was literally telling the kids today
426
00:16:48,407 --> 00:16:50,262
how I did a very similar thing.
427
00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:52,117
Ah.
428
00:16:52,912 --> 00:16:54,145
Oh, crap.
429
00:16:56,022 --> 00:16:58,590
All right, so this bully kid.
430
00:16:58,592 --> 00:17:00,158
He's been throwing your
backpack in the water
431
00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:01,259
and stuff like that for how long?
432
00:17:01,411 --> 00:17:02,844
Um, maybe a year.
433
00:17:02,846 --> 00:17:03,937
A year?
434
00:17:05,193 --> 00:17:06,564
And you didn't know any of this?
435
00:17:07,093 --> 00:17:09,045
That doesn't look great for you, bud.
436
00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:10,399
But you know what,
437
00:17:10,820 --> 00:17:13,020
I think we've all learned
a valuable lesson here,
438
00:17:13,022 --> 00:17:15,172
and we can definitely move on.
439
00:17:16,168 --> 00:17:17,901
Ralph, give me one of those big-ass hugs.
440
00:17:17,903 --> 00:17:19,836
No, I... no, I don't want to hug right now.
441
00:17:20,019 --> 00:17:23,006
I think you need to
step up and talk to him.
442
00:17:23,008 --> 00:17:26,071
Any other principal would have
fired you and expelled you.
443
00:17:26,330 --> 00:17:29,397
All right, but I'm laidback, but right now
444
00:17:29,531 --> 00:17:32,333
you two are making it very hard for me
445
00:17:32,336 --> 00:17:33,871
to be laidback!
446
00:17:36,121 --> 00:17:37,405
Very authoritative, I like that.
447
00:17:37,407 --> 00:17:38,740
I've not seen that gear from you.
448
00:17:38,955 --> 00:17:40,904
- I like it.
- Thank you.
449
00:17:41,173 --> 00:17:42,639
Uh, listen, Ralph, can you give Devin and I
450
00:17:42,641 --> 00:17:45,282
- a minute alone?
- Yes, yes, of course.
451
00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:48,595
- Oh, I'm going up?
- Give it a sec.
452
00:17:48,743 --> 00:17:51,625
- Okay.
- I did it.
453
00:17:52,046 --> 00:17:53,219
All right, so look,
454
00:17:54,048 --> 00:17:55,514
I haven't done a lot of these talks.
455
00:17:55,516 --> 00:17:56,698
I don't have kids.
456
00:17:56,698 --> 00:17:58,164
I've always been pretty good
about using condoms, you know?
457
00:17:58,245 --> 00:17:59,826
Even though I hate the damn things.
458
00:17:59,952 --> 00:18:01,301
You can't feel as much.
459
00:18:01,858 --> 00:18:03,169
All right, look, here's the deal.
460
00:18:03,642 --> 00:18:07,249
I want to be open and honest
with you kids in class, okay?
461
00:18:07,312 --> 00:18:09,312
But if it's gonna start
getting us all in trouble,
462
00:18:09,314 --> 00:18:10,847
then I'm gonna have to start acting
463
00:18:10,849 --> 00:18:12,317
like all the other teachers.
464
00:18:12,617 --> 00:18:13,850
See what I'm saying?
465
00:18:13,852 --> 00:18:15,985
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
466
00:18:15,987 --> 00:18:18,020
So next time you're thinking
about, like, imitating me
467
00:18:18,022 --> 00:18:21,357
or doing anything extreme in general,
468
00:18:21,359 --> 00:18:23,397
why don't you go ahead and
run it by me first, deal?
469
00:18:24,162 --> 00:18:25,190
Yeah.
470
00:18:26,531 --> 00:18:28,698
- Great.
- Hey, I'm still up here!
471
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:31,401
Ready to come down. This
is gonna sound crazy.
472
00:18:31,403 --> 00:18:32,969
- I think I see a raccoon.
- No, there's...
473
00:18:32,971 --> 00:18:34,690
It's not crazy. There's one up there.
474
00:18:35,106 --> 00:18:38,107
[THE MODERN LOVERS'
"GOVERNMENT CENTER" PLAYS]
475
00:18:38,109 --> 00:18:40,777
♪
476
00:18:40,779 --> 00:18:44,514
♪ Well we've got a lot a lot a lot
of hard work today ♪
477
00:18:44,516 --> 00:18:47,850
♪ We gotta rock at the
government center ♪
478
00:18:48,916 --> 00:18:50,386
Now I'm wondering if all the times
479
00:18:50,388 --> 00:18:51,888
my husband sent me pictures of his butt,
480
00:18:51,890 --> 00:18:53,448
it was really his arm.
481
00:18:53,448 --> 00:18:55,609
Wait, your husband sent you butt pics?
482
00:18:55,788 --> 00:18:57,232
- Yeah.
- What's it look like?
483
00:18:57,232 --> 00:18:58,731
- Okay, I don't wanna know.
- There's a muscle...
484
00:18:58,733 --> 00:19:00,700
- Oh, look who it is.
- Oh, look you.
485
00:19:00,702 --> 00:19:02,802
Big man in a big chair.
486
00:19:02,804 --> 00:19:04,704
Yeah, it's a massage chair.
487
00:19:04,706 --> 00:19:06,139
Hmm, well, I like it.
488
00:19:06,141 --> 00:19:07,840
It's like nice, soft, supple leather.
489
00:19:07,842 --> 00:19:09,709
Yeah, it's pretty comfy.
490
00:19:09,711 --> 00:19:11,444
Listen, ladies, I have a
little bit of a school issue
491
00:19:11,446 --> 00:19:12,745
that I could use your help with.
492
00:19:12,747 --> 00:19:14,414
What do you do when one of the students
493
00:19:14,416 --> 00:19:16,349
- is bullying another one?
- Oh, oh, that's easy.
494
00:19:16,351 --> 00:19:19,085
Okay, so you want to keep them
around each other constantly.
495
00:19:19,087 --> 00:19:21,187
- Oh, yes, that totally works.
- Mm-hmm.
496
00:19:21,189 --> 00:19:23,089
That's actually how we all became friends.
497
00:19:23,091 --> 00:19:25,291
'Cause Stef and I would
bully Michelle, naturally,
498
00:19:25,293 --> 00:19:27,293
and then Principal
Durbin started forcing us
499
00:19:27,295 --> 00:19:28,628
to hang out with one another.
500
00:19:28,630 --> 00:19:30,230
- Mm
- hmm, I would take one bite
501
00:19:30,232 --> 00:19:31,831
out of all of her food in the fridge.
502
00:19:31,833 --> 00:19:33,866
And I would sneak a few bites as well.
503
00:19:33,868 --> 00:19:35,401
Yes, she did.
504
00:19:35,403 --> 00:19:37,370
Then one time I set her purse on fire.
505
00:19:37,372 --> 00:19:38,605
Whoo.
506
00:19:38,905 --> 00:19:40,404
I lost a lot of cash.
507
00:19:40,406 --> 00:19:41,605
I lost a hundred bucks.
508
00:19:41,607 --> 00:19:42,569
Hmm.
509
00:19:43,041 --> 00:19:44,874
Well, so... so keep the kids together?
510
00:19:44,876 --> 00:19:46,142
- Mm-hmm.
- Interesting.
511
00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:47,677
Yeah, it's a little unorthodox,
512
00:19:47,679 --> 00:19:49,012
but that's actually really smart.
513
00:19:49,014 --> 00:19:50,480
Oh, it's actually really smart?
514
00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:51,681
Wow, thank you for believing in us.
515
00:19:51,683 --> 00:19:52,815
Okay, all right, all right.
516
00:19:52,817 --> 00:19:54,751
Come on, that's not what I meant.
517
00:19:54,753 --> 00:19:55,985
We've all read a book, just
want to put that out there.
518
00:19:55,987 --> 00:19:57,487
- Even Michelle.
- Yep.
519
00:19:57,489 --> 00:19:58,955
That's enough. I gotta get to my class.
520
00:19:58,957 --> 00:20:00,423
Thank you very much. I appreciate it.
521
00:20:00,425 --> 00:20:03,159
- You're welcome.
- Be careful.
522
00:20:04,044 --> 00:20:06,038
Gonna give him one more minute.
523
00:20:06,665 --> 00:20:08,631
He'll be here or else.
524
00:20:08,631 --> 00:20:10,197
Or else what?
525
00:20:10,862 --> 00:20:12,328
I don't know.
526
00:20:12,330 --> 00:20:14,797
All right, come on. Get in there, you.
527
00:20:14,799 --> 00:20:16,290
Go, go.
528
00:20:17,267 --> 00:20:19,601
Hey, everybody. What's up, Ralph?
529
00:20:19,921 --> 00:20:22,905
This is Dan Decker. I'm
adding him to AP Bio.
530
00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:24,707
- I don't wanna be...
- Shut up!
531
00:20:24,709 --> 00:20:27,043
Go sit next to Devin, go. You, can you...
532
00:20:27,045 --> 00:20:29,278
Yeah, thanks. Go, scoot.
533
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,214
Does his guidance
counselor know about this?
534
00:20:31,216 --> 00:20:32,713
You're not the boss of me.
535
00:20:33,790 --> 00:20:35,551
That's literally my job description.
536
00:20:39,365 --> 00:20:40,756
All right, listen up.
537
00:20:40,759 --> 00:20:42,692
Some things are gonna
change around here big time.
538
00:20:42,694 --> 00:20:44,093
None of you guys are
gonna pick on each other
539
00:20:44,095 --> 00:20:45,597
or I'll kick your ass.
540
00:20:45,597 --> 00:20:47,530
I will literally beat you
up with my adult muscles.
541
00:20:47,778 --> 00:20:49,511
And if I go and do something dumb,
542
00:20:49,513 --> 00:20:51,246
that doesn't mean you can go and do it too.
543
00:20:51,248 --> 00:20:52,769
Now let me hear you say that back.
544
00:20:53,050 --> 00:20:54,883
We can't pick on each other
545
00:20:54,885 --> 00:20:57,886
or else you'll beat us up
with your adult muscles and...
546
00:20:57,888 --> 00:20:59,857
[OVERLAPPING TALKING]
547
00:21:02,559 --> 00:21:05,827
...just because you do
something dumb doesn't mean...