1
00:00:03,961 --> 00:00:06,571
I cannot afford to lose
momentum on my book,
2
00:00:06,596 --> 00:00:09,303
and this hunk of junk last
night started doing that...
3
00:00:09,328 --> 00:00:11,129
that spinning rainbow wheel thing?
4
00:00:11,154 --> 00:00:13,426
And then I... I tried to fix
it by mashing all the keys,
5
00:00:13,451 --> 00:00:16,321
and it started bonking at
me like, "Bonk, bonk, bonk."
6
00:00:16,371 --> 00:00:18,867
And then it sounded like my hair
dryer was in there, or something?
7
00:00:18,891 --> 00:00:21,241
- You have a hair dryer?
- Okay, here we go.
8
00:00:21,266 --> 00:00:22,316
Yeah, yeah.
9
00:00:22,341 --> 00:00:23,477
Yeah, you have time to dry your hair
10
00:00:23,501 --> 00:00:24,632
but not put on real pants, right?
11
00:00:24,656 --> 00:00:26,527
And do you use the hair dryer
to heat up your TV dinners
12
00:00:26,551 --> 00:00:27,681
and so on, and so forth?
13
00:00:27,721 --> 00:00:29,331
Get it out now, ladies.
Very funny stuff.
14
00:00:30,536 --> 00:00:32,086
- We got you.
- Yeah, yeah, you got me.
15
00:00:32,111 --> 00:00:33,966
All right, so is there,
like, a computer lab?
16
00:00:33,991 --> 00:00:35,357
I... I gotta get my work done, here.
17
00:00:35,381 --> 00:00:37,016
Yes, but you'd never catch me
18
00:00:37,041 --> 00:00:38,367
touching the keyboards in the lab.
19
00:00:38,391 --> 00:00:40,431
I mean, kids put their
fingers everywhere.
20
00:00:40,456 --> 00:00:42,902
They touch turtles.
21
00:00:43,074 --> 00:00:44,717
All right, yeah, but I
don't have a choice, okay?
22
00:00:44,741 --> 00:00:46,273
'Cause the only computer
I can afford right now
23
00:00:46,297 --> 00:00:48,661
is, like, a used OLPC XO,
24
00:00:48,692 --> 00:00:50,881
which is a remedial
device used by children
25
00:00:50,914 --> 00:00:51,946
in third-world countries.
26
00:00:51,971 --> 00:00:53,791
Good morning, Whitlockians.
27
00:00:53,816 --> 00:00:55,856
Did you guys get the memo?
28
00:00:55,881 --> 00:00:58,581
"This year's 'Whitlock's Got Talent'
29
00:00:58,606 --> 00:01:01,126
is going to be the best ever!"
30
00:01:01,191 --> 00:01:02,697
- Yes, we hear you!
- Well, let me see that.
31
00:01:02,721 --> 00:01:04,541
What?
32
00:01:04,566 --> 00:01:05,667
This is a doctor's letter
33
00:01:05,692 --> 00:01:07,113
saying that you can use
the bathroom on planes
34
00:01:07,137 --> 00:01:09,161
even when the seatbelt sign is on.
35
00:01:09,201 --> 00:01:10,811
Oh, Durbs.
36
00:01:10,836 --> 00:01:13,626
Why would you use this
paper as your fake memo?
37
00:01:13,651 --> 00:01:14,721
I don't know, all right?
38
00:01:14,746 --> 00:01:16,568
But I desperately need that back.
39
00:01:16,593 --> 00:01:17,794
Mm-hmm.
40
00:01:18,911 --> 00:01:21,375
The one thing I would
like you all to take
41
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:22,531
from this interaction
42
00:01:22,556 --> 00:01:25,875
is that the talent
show is going to be fun.
43
00:01:26,651 --> 00:01:27,961
I hate the talent show.
44
00:01:28,001 --> 00:01:29,811
No one signed up for my bell choir.
45
00:01:30,005 --> 00:01:31,225
Third year in a row.
46
00:01:31,250 --> 00:01:32,860
Oh, I'll sign up.
47
00:01:32,885 --> 00:01:34,585
Yeah. Girl, we got you.
48
00:01:34,610 --> 00:01:35,757
Girl, what if mine were all fast?
49
00:01:35,781 --> 00:01:37,655
Like, ding-ding-ding, ding-ding-ding.
50
00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:39,187
Mm-hmm, and then I'll go like:
51
00:01:39,212 --> 00:01:40,432
♪ Bong ♪
52
00:01:40,457 --> 00:01:41,789
- You can't actually do two...
- ♪ Bong ♪
53
00:01:41,813 --> 00:01:43,513
- At once.
- Ding-ding-ding-ding.
54
00:01:43,538 --> 00:01:45,498
Bonk. Bonk, bonk.
55
00:01:45,523 --> 00:01:47,436
No, no.
56
00:01:47,461 --> 00:01:48,961
- No!
- Guys, guys.
57
00:01:48,986 --> 00:01:51,531
That's great, but you're
still gonna need some students.
58
00:01:51,556 --> 00:01:53,686
This is a talent show for students.
59
00:01:53,711 --> 00:01:56,680
Our sponsor, Greta Donovan
from Donovan Exterminators,
60
00:01:56,705 --> 00:01:58,575
has upped the prize money
61
00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,000
to $3,000.
62
00:02:01,025 --> 00:02:02,668
- Ooh!
- Been a very good year.
63
00:02:02,693 --> 00:02:04,433
Wait, I'm sorry, $3,000?
64
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,638
You're just gonna give
a bunch of kids $3,000?
65
00:02:06,663 --> 00:02:09,453
I mean, that... that's the
price of a first-world computer.
66
00:02:09,478 --> 00:02:11,507
We make the check out
to their faculty advisor.
67
00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:12,602
We're not stupid.
68
00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:15,391
We're gonna win the talent show.
69
00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:28,314
♪ A.P. Bio 2x11 ♪
Spectacle
70
00:02:28,339 --> 00:02:30,839
- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
71
00:02:31,102 --> 00:02:32,162
- Mr. Griffin?
- Yeah.
72
00:02:32,187 --> 00:02:34,222
Why would you choose
to do an extracurricular
73
00:02:34,247 --> 00:02:36,027
when you don't even
do regular curricular?
74
00:02:36,052 --> 00:02:38,312
Look, guys, the answer is simple, okay?
75
00:02:38,329 --> 00:02:39,389
I love talent.
76
00:02:39,414 --> 00:02:41,134
We could use the money
to have a pizza party
77
00:02:41,237 --> 00:02:42,497
with all kinds of pizzas.
78
00:02:42,522 --> 00:02:44,341
- Pepperoni pizza...
- Meat lover's pizza.
79
00:02:44,366 --> 00:02:46,095
- I like Hawaiian pizza.
- What are we doing, guys?
80
00:02:46,119 --> 00:02:47,733
We're just gonna list all
the pizzas in the world?
81
00:02:47,757 --> 00:02:49,030
Yeah, sure, we'll have a pizza party.
82
00:02:49,054 --> 00:02:50,794
But first we gotta
find some talent, okay?
83
00:02:50,819 --> 00:02:52,095
So let's... let's start over here.
84
00:02:52,119 --> 00:02:54,679
- Marissa, what do you got?
- I could say the alphabet backwards.
85
00:02:55,068 --> 00:02:57,689
"Z-Y-X-V..."
86
00:02:58,909 --> 00:03:00,493
- "T"...
- Yeah, that stinks.
87
00:03:00,518 --> 00:03:02,024
It really does. Who else?
88
00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:03,329
I can juggle four balls.
89
00:03:04,722 --> 00:03:06,049
Make that five.
90
00:03:06,870 --> 00:03:08,700
- I also do magic.
- Mm-hmm.
91
00:03:08,725 --> 00:03:10,055
You just keep getting worse.
92
00:03:10,775 --> 00:03:12,165
Come on guys. Who else,
who else, who else?
93
00:03:12,189 --> 00:03:13,425
Uh, Dan. Dan, what's your talent?
94
00:03:13,449 --> 00:03:16,070
I mean, I could throw food up
in the air and catch it in my mouth.
95
00:03:16,095 --> 00:03:17,149
- Really?
- Yeah.
96
00:03:17,174 --> 00:03:18,254
Let me see that.
97
00:03:20,695 --> 00:03:22,304
Oh, whoa, that was awesome.
98
00:03:22,329 --> 00:03:23,475
He caught popcorn in his mouth.
99
00:03:23,499 --> 00:03:25,045
All right, well, Dan
Decker's on the lead.
100
00:03:25,069 --> 00:03:27,045
Who else? Who else, guys?
Over... anybody over here?
101
00:03:27,069 --> 00:03:28,087
You got something, Vic?
102
00:03:31,188 --> 00:03:32,534
You lost your nerve, there, bud?
103
00:03:33,659 --> 00:03:34,709
All right, well come on.
104
00:03:34,734 --> 00:03:36,535
There's gotta be somebody
with some talent, yeah?
105
00:03:36,559 --> 00:03:38,634
- Caleb, what you got cooking?
- Nothing.
106
00:03:38,659 --> 00:03:40,377
Hey, no secrets from papa.
107
00:03:40,402 --> 00:03:41,699
It's just a dumb play.
108
00:03:41,724 --> 00:03:42,734
Papa.
109
00:03:42,888 --> 00:03:43,918
A play?
110
00:03:45,043 --> 00:03:46,123
Hmm.
111
00:03:49,133 --> 00:03:52,533
"A pregnant prostitute
crosses the stage barefoot.
112
00:03:55,024 --> 00:03:57,754
"She stops and pulls a sticker
from a banana off her foot."
113
00:03:58,359 --> 00:03:59,669
Fascinating.
114
00:04:03,404 --> 00:04:04,584
Ralph, bad news.
115
00:04:04,609 --> 00:04:06,431
Mr. Porter's sick, so
he's not gonna be able
116
00:04:06,456 --> 00:04:08,285
to emcee the talent show this year.
117
00:04:08,310 --> 00:04:10,180
Plus, his drama class is unsupervised,
118
00:04:10,205 --> 00:04:11,719
and they might be having an orgy.
119
00:04:11,744 --> 00:04:14,251
Okay, our kids would never
do something that awful.
120
00:04:14,276 --> 00:04:15,536
Tread lightly, Ralph.
121
00:04:15,561 --> 00:04:16,951
I'm an orgy baby.
122
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:19,309
My mom was an orgy baby, her mom was...
123
00:04:19,334 --> 00:04:21,014
Helen, Helen, Helen.
124
00:04:21,969 --> 00:04:23,691
We need to figure out who's gonna host.
125
00:04:23,716 --> 00:04:25,957
Who are we gonna find
to replace Mr. Porter?
126
00:04:25,982 --> 00:04:29,155
Who's got the... the
pizzazz, the singing chops,
127
00:04:29,180 --> 00:04:31,124
the rhythm to... to do what he does?
128
00:04:31,149 --> 00:04:32,327
There's no one.
129
00:04:36,439 --> 00:04:38,980
Ralph, you've got the rhythm!
130
00:04:40,190 --> 00:04:43,730
♪ And I can sing ♪
131
00:04:43,755 --> 00:04:45,448
♪ And we can both ♪
132
00:04:45,473 --> 00:04:46,823
♪ Kind of act ♪
133
00:04:46,848 --> 00:04:52,288
♪ Plus I can sing ♪
134
00:04:53,818 --> 00:04:55,018
We're a triple threat.
135
00:04:55,043 --> 00:04:58,626
Helen, will you host
"Whitlock's Got Talent" with me?
136
00:04:58,731 --> 00:05:00,425
Ralph, I would be honored.
137
00:05:10,594 --> 00:05:13,514
Welcome to your first handbell lesson.
138
00:05:13,539 --> 00:05:15,589
I'm Michelle, your director.
139
00:05:15,614 --> 00:05:17,314
Ooh, "director."
140
00:05:17,339 --> 00:05:19,819
I know, look at Michelle
getting all serious.
141
00:05:19,844 --> 00:05:22,101
- Right.
- "I'm the director."
142
00:05:23,181 --> 00:05:25,401
Well, handbells are serious instruments.
143
00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:27,586
They are not toys.
144
00:05:27,611 --> 00:05:29,661
These are each individually cast,
145
00:05:29,902 --> 00:05:32,312
they can never touch one another,
146
00:05:32,337 --> 00:05:35,727
and one must always wear gloves
147
00:05:35,853 --> 00:05:37,383
when handling the bells.
148
00:05:39,153 --> 00:05:40,153
Ahem.
149
00:05:41,378 --> 00:05:43,949
You are about to go on a wild journey.
150
00:05:44,652 --> 00:05:46,092
There will be high highs...
151
00:05:50,325 --> 00:05:51,975
And crushing lows.
152
00:05:56,570 --> 00:05:57,660
Don't be scared.
153
00:05:57,685 --> 00:05:59,085
I want that big daddy right there.
154
00:05:59,110 --> 00:06:00,161
Ah-ah, no, no, no.
155
00:06:00,186 --> 00:06:02,796
I am the only non-Soviet
female who can play that one.
156
00:06:03,282 --> 00:06:05,968
Bells up!
157
00:06:14,251 --> 00:06:15,341
This is it.
158
00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:17,549
This is amazing.
159
00:06:17,574 --> 00:06:19,574
It's... it's raw, it's super weird...
160
00:06:19,599 --> 00:06:21,079
It's got grit.
161
00:06:21,104 --> 00:06:23,550
I bet you the judges have
never seen anything like this.
162
00:06:23,734 --> 00:06:26,294
Caleb, I was blown away when...
when the pregnant prostitute
163
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:27,399
showed up at the truck stop
164
00:06:27,424 --> 00:06:29,294
with a brick of coke and a pound cake.
165
00:06:29,319 --> 00:06:31,059
- Really?
- Yeah, man.
166
00:06:31,084 --> 00:06:32,620
You gotta own your talent.
I mean, really, you're...
167
00:06:32,644 --> 00:06:34,084
you're competing against garbage.
168
00:06:34,109 --> 00:06:36,296
I mean, people are juggling,
and some are doing magic.
169
00:06:36,321 --> 00:06:38,101
- Those are both mine.
- Yeah.
170
00:06:38,126 --> 00:06:39,487
Why don't you pick on Dan?
171
00:06:39,512 --> 00:06:41,552
All he did was eat popcorn.
172
00:06:41,577 --> 00:06:43,397
Okay, Marcus, I can
catch harder stuff, too.
173
00:06:43,422 --> 00:06:44,552
I catch ham.
174
00:06:44,577 --> 00:06:46,847
And I'm not talking
about the deli slices.
175
00:06:47,186 --> 00:06:49,619
I'm talking about the thick Easter cuts.
176
00:06:49,644 --> 00:06:51,074
That is cool...
177
00:06:51,099 --> 00:06:54,059
But with my help, this
play is gonna be next level.
178
00:06:54,084 --> 00:06:56,334
Round of applause for Caleb, everybody.
179
00:06:56,359 --> 00:06:57,969
He's our $3,000 baby.
180
00:07:05,798 --> 00:07:07,328
You neutered me.
181
00:07:07,693 --> 00:07:10,043
You literally took them off me.
182
00:07:10,068 --> 00:07:11,998
I had to get information out of you
183
00:07:12,415 --> 00:07:14,494
for my job as mob boss.
184
00:07:14,519 --> 00:07:16,393
But you were my best friend,
185
00:07:16,730 --> 00:07:18,994
and you cut my [BLEEP] [BLEEP] off.
186
00:07:19,019 --> 00:07:20,483
Go home to your family.
187
00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:21,698
You're drunk.
188
00:07:22,003 --> 00:07:23,053
It's Christmas.
189
00:07:23,262 --> 00:07:25,482
That's great.
190
00:07:25,569 --> 00:07:27,115
That's great. All right, again, again.
191
00:07:27,258 --> 00:07:28,998
Look at my mangled face.
192
00:07:29,225 --> 00:07:31,908
You can't command me around
just 'cause you're my husband.
193
00:07:31,958 --> 00:07:33,308
Then I command you
194
00:07:33,473 --> 00:07:36,753
as Chief of Police of Paris.
195
00:07:37,034 --> 00:07:39,274
Look at my mangled face.
196
00:07:42,347 --> 00:07:43,917
The whole thing takes place in Paris.
197
00:07:43,942 --> 00:07:45,301
I didn't realize that until just now.
198
00:07:45,325 --> 00:07:46,733
- That really elevates it.
- Right?
199
00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:48,628
You gave my sister an STD.
200
00:07:48,793 --> 00:07:49,863
Good-bye.
201
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:53,748
Holy [BLEEP] [BLEEP].
202
00:07:54,862 --> 00:07:56,512
You're the prostitute that stabbed me.
203
00:07:57,607 --> 00:07:58,607
I'm pregnant.
204
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:00,456
The doctor said it's your baby.
205
00:08:00,481 --> 00:08:02,116
He had your sperm on file.
206
00:08:02,141 --> 00:08:03,661
I mean, I'd help raise it, but...
207
00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:07,858
I'm dead.
208
00:08:07,908 --> 00:08:09,428
Wow.
209
00:08:09,468 --> 00:08:11,493
That's great, guys.
That is really great.
210
00:08:11,518 --> 00:08:13,064
We'll maybe tweak the
ending a little bit, though.
211
00:08:13,088 --> 00:08:14,157
Yeah, I felt that, too.
212
00:08:14,182 --> 00:08:15,260
All right, let's keep this going.
213
00:08:15,284 --> 00:08:16,681
I think we're gonna get that pizza!
214
00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:17,829
Pepperoni.
215
00:08:17,854 --> 00:08:18,934
Yeah, we'll get a bunch of them.
216
00:08:18,958 --> 00:08:20,176
- You don't have to...
- Mushroom.
217
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,394
Grace.
218
00:08:36,146 --> 00:08:37,808
- Bells down.
- Whoo!
219
00:08:41,185 --> 00:08:42,849
Wow, that was rough.
220
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:47,793
Uh, well, it could probably
use a little pizzazz.
221
00:08:47,818 --> 00:08:48,978
Yes, I was thinking that.
222
00:08:49,003 --> 00:08:50,884
Maybe we take one glove off
and we just hit 'em with a...
223
00:08:50,908 --> 00:08:52,429
- ♪ Hee-hee ♪
- Ooh, yes!
224
00:08:52,454 --> 00:08:54,511
And then maybe combine the
two so it's like a little...
225
00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:55,845
♪ Shamone ♪
226
00:08:55,923 --> 00:08:57,843
- ♪ Hee-hee ♪
- Come on, combo.
227
00:09:01,144 --> 00:09:02,918
♪ Ah ♪
228
00:09:03,254 --> 00:09:04,378
Shut up!
229
00:09:05,314 --> 00:09:07,456
At this point, I don't think
anyone's even gonna know
230
00:09:07,481 --> 00:09:09,153
we're playing Steve Winwood's "Valerie."
231
00:09:09,692 --> 00:09:11,838
The greatest fear of
every handbell ringer
232
00:09:11,863 --> 00:09:14,793
is that the audience won't be
able to tell what song it is.
233
00:09:15,106 --> 00:09:18,434
It happens in over 70% of
all handbell performances.
234
00:09:18,707 --> 00:09:20,108
Look, I love you guys,
235
00:09:20,133 --> 00:09:22,386
You both seem very nice as people,
236
00:09:22,411 --> 00:09:24,273
and, like, you're
trying to improve, but...
237
00:09:24,298 --> 00:09:25,958
As handbell players,
238
00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:27,023
you're nothing.
239
00:09:27,247 --> 00:09:29,598
You're fired. Return your gloves.
240
00:09:29,797 --> 00:09:31,093
But, Michelle,
241
00:09:31,305 --> 00:09:33,748
I have a milk delivery I
need to make in the 1950s.
242
00:09:33,773 --> 00:09:36,598
And I had a date with
a California raisin.
243
00:09:36,648 --> 00:09:38,730
All right.
244
00:09:43,925 --> 00:09:45,178
I got it.
245
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:48,316
What if our act is something
like the show "Jackass"?
246
00:09:48,341 --> 00:09:50,066
Here, put this pudding cup on the floor.
247
00:09:50,091 --> 00:09:51,153
I'm gonna dive into it.
248
00:09:51,178 --> 00:09:53,730
Helen, Helen, get...
no, get down, all right?
249
00:09:53,755 --> 00:09:56,889
If we're gonna impress Greta,
we need something magical.
250
00:09:56,914 --> 00:09:58,603
Something... something transcendent.
251
00:09:58,914 --> 00:10:01,375
A... a surefire hit for the ages.
252
00:10:04,016 --> 00:10:06,058
- "Jackass"!
- Billy Crystal Oscar medley.
253
00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:08,141
- That's a good idea, too.
- All right.
254
00:10:08,548 --> 00:10:09,598
Hey.
255
00:10:09,623 --> 00:10:12,353
Just gonna sign my kids
up for that talent show.
256
00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:15,403
Now, is that $3,000 gonna come in cash?
257
00:10:15,428 --> 00:10:17,353
I also accept Apple gift cards.
258
00:10:17,589 --> 00:10:19,044
For the kids, obviously.
259
00:10:19,069 --> 00:10:21,338
Oh, I like your confidence. It's foxy.
260
00:10:21,363 --> 00:10:22,934
Yeah, well, I think
the judges are gonna be
261
00:10:22,958 --> 00:10:25,577
pretty blown away by the edgy
theater piece we're doing.
262
00:10:25,602 --> 00:10:27,868
Uh, there aren't any judges.
263
00:10:28,391 --> 00:10:29,851
We have an applause-o-meter.
264
00:10:29,876 --> 00:10:31,672
It gauges the audience reaction.
265
00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:34,579
Usually crowd-pleasing spectacles
are the ones that win.
266
00:10:34,604 --> 00:10:37,318
Last year's winner set off
fireworks while she sang
267
00:10:37,343 --> 00:10:39,282
and armpit-farted the national anthem.
268
00:10:39,307 --> 00:10:40,634
All four verses...
269
00:10:40,659 --> 00:10:42,399
including the original racist one.
270
00:10:42,424 --> 00:10:43,806
Wait a second, so we're
not gonna be judged
271
00:10:43,830 --> 00:10:47,024
by a panel of experts who
appreciate nuance and originality?
272
00:10:47,049 --> 00:10:48,159
We're just judged by...
273
00:10:49,057 --> 00:10:50,548
- noise?
- Yeah.
274
00:10:57,276 --> 00:10:58,486
Thank you for the sex.
275
00:10:58,511 --> 00:10:59,551
It felt normal.
276
00:11:00,332 --> 00:11:02,858
Just leave the money on
the table and get out.
277
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:04,624
I'm going into labor.
278
00:11:05,315 --> 00:11:07,929
Uh, oh, gosh. Here we go.
279
00:11:10,066 --> 00:11:11,326
I was born into fire.
280
00:11:11,351 --> 00:11:12,478
Wow...
281
00:11:12,528 --> 00:11:15,878
Hate to cut that off,
guys, but change of plans.
282
00:11:15,965 --> 00:11:17,437
The play is dead.
283
00:11:17,462 --> 00:11:18,728
Yeah, we gotta think of something else.
284
00:11:18,752 --> 00:11:19,813
No one was gonna like it.
285
00:11:19,838 --> 00:11:20,908
It was never gonna win us that money.
286
00:11:20,932 --> 00:11:23,228
Now, who can make a
melody with their armpit?
287
00:11:23,253 --> 00:11:24,878
But you said my play was good.
288
00:11:25,010 --> 00:11:26,480
My... my parents are coming.
289
00:11:26,505 --> 00:11:28,135
This is the first thing
I've invited them to.
290
00:11:28,159 --> 00:11:29,893
Well, they should still come,
'cause we need clappers.
291
00:11:29,917 --> 00:11:31,434
Now, are they the hooting
and hollering type?
292
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:32,508
'Cause that'd be great.
293
00:11:34,158 --> 00:11:35,548
- Was that a yes?
- Yeah.
294
00:11:36,468 --> 00:11:37,638
We'll think of something.
295
00:11:39,038 --> 00:11:40,390
All right, guys, we
don't have a lot of time,
296
00:11:40,414 --> 00:11:42,091
but we need to put
on the most pandering,
297
00:11:42,116 --> 00:11:44,280
mass-appealing show ever known to man.
298
00:11:44,305 --> 00:11:46,122
So what do your dumb classmates like?
299
00:11:46,147 --> 00:11:47,367
- Go.
- Candy.
300
00:11:47,407 --> 00:11:48,967
- Cheese Whiz.
- The beach.
301
00:11:49,155 --> 00:11:51,367
Walks on the beach. Drinks on the beach.
302
00:11:51,392 --> 00:11:52,783
According to a YouTube search,
303
00:11:52,808 --> 00:11:56,042
the most watched videos are
of electronic dance music
304
00:11:56,067 --> 00:11:58,014
Bollywood, unboxing,
305
00:11:58,039 --> 00:12:00,832
ASMR, juggling...
306
00:12:00,857 --> 00:12:03,817
_
307
00:12:06,997 --> 00:12:09,682
So, what are we doing?
308
00:12:10,159 --> 00:12:12,003
- Whew.
- _
309
00:12:13,704 --> 00:12:14,734
All of it.
310
00:12:14,758 --> 00:12:16,396
_
311
00:12:21,142 --> 00:12:22,722
Principle Durbin, wake up!
312
00:12:22,747 --> 00:12:24,577
You're gonna miss
"Whitlock's Got Talent"!
313
00:12:24,617 --> 00:12:26,447
No, I won't!
314
00:12:26,487 --> 00:12:27,667
Because...
315
00:12:34,807 --> 00:12:37,107
♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪
316
00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:39,076
♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪
317
00:12:39,101 --> 00:12:41,287
♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪
318
00:12:41,312 --> 00:12:43,182
♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪
319
00:12:43,207 --> 00:12:45,697
Welcome to "Whitlock's Got Talent."
320
00:12:45,722 --> 00:12:47,736
- And, oh, who do we have here?
- Uh-oh.
321
00:12:47,761 --> 00:12:50,117
- It's Coach!
- I had to be here.
322
00:12:50,167 --> 00:12:52,239
I'm making sure the gym
floor doesn't get scuffed.
323
00:12:52,264 --> 00:12:53,607
That is so Coach!
324
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:55,294
He shows up to the talent show,
325
00:12:55,319 --> 00:12:57,421
but he can't get his players
to show up to the game.
326
00:12:59,486 --> 00:13:01,362
Oh, and who else do we have here today?
327
00:13:01,387 --> 00:13:04,827
It's Greta Donovan from
Donovan Exterminators,
328
00:13:05,007 --> 00:13:09,097
where Whitlock high goes
for all of its pest control needs.
329
00:13:10,058 --> 00:13:11,812
And thanks to this lovely lady,
330
00:13:11,837 --> 00:13:14,627
we know that the beetles won't
be performing here tonight.
331
00:13:15,927 --> 00:13:17,797
♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪
332
00:13:18,092 --> 00:13:19,717
♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪
333
00:13:19,742 --> 00:13:21,652
♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪
334
00:13:22,146 --> 00:13:23,668
♪ Whitlock's got talent ♪
335
00:13:29,890 --> 00:13:31,856
Boom!
336
00:13:37,996 --> 00:13:40,474
♪ Ree ♪
337
00:13:42,004 --> 00:13:44,744
Your next contestant is Mrs.
Jones and her companions.
338
00:13:49,725 --> 00:13:50,835
Bells up.
339
00:13:52,537 --> 00:13:53,667
Oh, my God.
340
00:13:53,707 --> 00:13:56,537
She replaced us with herself.
341
00:13:56,657 --> 00:13:57,787
She did not.
342
00:14:08,937 --> 00:14:10,337
Oh...
343
00:14:10,377 --> 00:14:12,597
But this is very good.
344
00:14:12,637 --> 00:14:14,857
I mean, she is excellent.
345
00:14:19,167 --> 00:14:22,347
Okay, guys, we are up next
and we need to win, all right?
346
00:14:22,372 --> 00:14:24,682
This is gonna be the greatest
night of all your lives.
347
00:14:24,707 --> 00:14:26,267
Here we go.
348
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:34,137
Oh, my God, she's going for the big boy.
349
00:14:35,422 --> 00:14:37,292
Let's bring it in, guys. Okay, ready?
350
00:14:37,317 --> 00:14:38,847
One, two, three...
351
00:14:40,417 --> 00:14:42,547
Oh, still talking about pizza, huh?
352
00:14:44,797 --> 00:14:48,300
- Thank you so much, Mrs. Jones.
- Amazing.
353
00:14:48,325 --> 00:14:51,790
And now, back to the
student, uh, talent show.
354
00:14:51,815 --> 00:14:55,377
Up next is Mr. Griffin's A.P. Bio class.
355
00:14:55,402 --> 00:14:57,563
Did you know that Mr. Griffin
356
00:14:57,588 --> 00:14:59,541
used to teach at Harvard?
357
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:00,597
Really?
358
00:15:00,647 --> 00:15:02,197
I've never heard him mention it!
359
00:15:04,554 --> 00:15:06,034
You guys ready? Let's do it.
360
00:15:07,081 --> 00:15:12,347
Please welcome the EDM Candy Dance
Spectacular Samurai Explosion.
361
00:15:16,047 --> 00:15:18,007
Grace, now.
362
00:15:22,782 --> 00:15:23,837
♪ Kick it ♪
363
00:15:47,037 --> 00:15:48,907
Go! Go harder! Do more stuff!
364
00:15:55,284 --> 00:15:56,807
Ah, he's gonna ruin it.
365
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:03,227
Eduardo, Marissa, Sarika, go!
366
00:16:16,367 --> 00:16:18,157
Caleb! Smile, man!
367
00:16:18,197 --> 00:16:19,327
Sell it!
368
00:16:23,247 --> 00:16:24,377
All right.
369
00:16:25,905 --> 00:16:27,115
Pour candy corn in the fan.
370
00:16:27,140 --> 00:16:28,514
You're going a little too far.
371
00:16:28,539 --> 00:16:30,139
No, trust me, man.
They're gonna love it.
372
00:16:42,917 --> 00:16:44,617
Get outta here. Knock it off.
373
00:16:47,562 --> 00:16:48,822
What are we looking at?
374
00:16:48,847 --> 00:16:50,632
You just have to pick
one and watch them.
375
00:16:50,657 --> 00:16:51,977
Otherwise, you'll get a headache.
376
00:17:07,207 --> 00:17:09,297
They didn't like it.
They didn't like it.
377
00:17:16,671 --> 00:17:18,681
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
378
00:17:18,706 --> 00:17:21,256
prepare to be amazed.
379
00:17:21,281 --> 00:17:24,252
- For this next trick...
- I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin.
380
00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:26,287
I know you really wanted that pizza.
381
00:17:26,923 --> 00:17:29,312
It's hard when you have
your heart set on something
382
00:17:29,337 --> 00:17:30,832
- you really, really want...
- Okay.
383
00:17:30,857 --> 00:17:32,976
And then it gets taken away from you.
384
00:17:33,295 --> 00:17:35,741
I, too, wanted that pizza.
385
00:17:35,766 --> 00:17:37,133
Okay, all right, Victor. I hear you.
386
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:39,507
- Yeah, thank you.
- Cut him in half.
387
00:17:45,247 --> 00:17:47,521
Hey, listen, why don't
you two go take your seats?
388
00:17:47,546 --> 00:17:48,953
You're not gonna want
to miss this, okay?
389
00:17:48,977 --> 00:17:50,847
It was nice knowing you.
390
00:17:51,224 --> 00:17:52,304
Ha-oh!
391
00:17:52,658 --> 00:17:54,358
Wow, that's great.
392
00:17:54,383 --> 00:17:56,768
Yeah, I... can I just... ?
Sorry about that.
393
00:17:56,793 --> 00:17:58,223
Uh, hi, everybody.
394
00:17:58,248 --> 00:18:00,402
Um, I just wanted to let you all know,
395
00:18:00,427 --> 00:18:03,177
there will be one more
entry in tonight's contest:
396
00:18:03,202 --> 00:18:05,942
Caleb Baker's dramatic, seven-act play.
397
00:18:08,742 --> 00:18:09,982
Don't know how they did that.
398
00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:12,884
Caleb, it's go time.
399
00:18:12,909 --> 00:18:14,066
I don't want to do my play, I...
400
00:18:14,090 --> 00:18:15,260
Caleb, come here.
401
00:18:16,683 --> 00:18:17,723
Listen, man.
402
00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:19,001
I was wrong, okay?
403
00:18:19,026 --> 00:18:20,106
I backed the wrong horse.
404
00:18:20,131 --> 00:18:21,238
I should have gone
with my first instinct
405
00:18:21,262 --> 00:18:22,262
and done your play.
406
00:18:22,287 --> 00:18:23,304
You said no one was gonna like it.
407
00:18:23,328 --> 00:18:24,368
Well, they probably won't.
408
00:18:25,449 --> 00:18:27,866
'Cause it's good, like my books.
409
00:18:27,952 --> 00:18:29,132
You know who likes my books?
410
00:18:30,061 --> 00:18:31,101
I do.
411
00:18:32,129 --> 00:18:33,239
Do you like your play?
412
00:18:34,269 --> 00:18:35,349
Yeah.
413
00:18:36,665 --> 00:18:38,680
- I like it.
- I like it.
414
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:40,360
Me, too. That's four.
415
00:18:40,385 --> 00:18:42,475
That's already more
than Mr. Griffin's books.
416
00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:43,677
All right, take it easy, man.
417
00:18:43,702 --> 00:18:44,717
Let's do this.
418
00:18:44,742 --> 00:18:46,022
I've got an idea for the ending.
419
00:18:58,255 --> 00:19:00,037
Holy [BLEEP] [BLEEP].
420
00:19:00,992 --> 00:19:02,642
You're the prostitute that stabbed me.
421
00:19:02,826 --> 00:19:03,996
I'm pregnant,
422
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:06,540
and the doctor said it's your baby.
423
00:19:06,565 --> 00:19:07,745
I told you.
424
00:19:08,048 --> 00:19:09,548
I mean, I'd help you raise it, but...
425
00:19:11,632 --> 00:19:13,112
- I'm dead.
- Mm.
426
00:19:13,334 --> 00:19:14,974
I've been meaning to tell you...
427
00:19:16,185 --> 00:19:17,405
I'm dead, too.
428
00:19:18,279 --> 00:19:19,379
I told you.
429
00:19:19,404 --> 00:19:20,714
I know you did.
430
00:19:20,739 --> 00:19:22,149
Now, take me to heaven
431
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:25,195
before we both get dragged to hell.
432
00:19:29,093 --> 00:19:30,115
Oh, boy.
433
00:19:30,155 --> 00:19:31,743
Okay.
434
00:19:31,768 --> 00:19:33,818
That's the table from shop class.
435
00:19:33,843 --> 00:19:36,295
Let's hear it for Caleb's play.
436
00:19:36,335 --> 00:19:38,012
- Yes.
- Whoo!
437
00:19:38,037 --> 00:19:41,022
That was, uh, very inappropriate,
438
00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:42,587
but I think we have a winner!
439
00:19:55,705 --> 00:19:56,975
All right.
440
00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:00,018
Whoa, $3,000 worth of pizza?
441
00:20:00,043 --> 00:20:02,036
Grace, no what are you...
what are you talking about?
442
00:20:02,060 --> 00:20:03,280
I bought this pizza.
443
00:20:03,305 --> 00:20:05,307
You bought us pizza with your own money?
444
00:20:05,792 --> 00:20:06,922
But you're poor.
445
00:20:07,861 --> 00:20:09,170
They're beautiful,
446
00:20:09,573 --> 00:20:11,685
but we can't possibly accept them.
447
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:13,195
It's not like I can take it back.
448
00:20:13,635 --> 00:20:15,465
Plus, you guys deserve it, okay?
449
00:20:15,490 --> 00:20:18,555
You... you won first place, all right?
450
00:20:18,595 --> 00:20:21,125
Although the old lady,
she did rescind the money
451
00:20:21,150 --> 00:20:22,832
because of you guys' dirty ghost sex.
452
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,097
Thank you for liking
my play, Mr. Griffin.
453
00:20:26,122 --> 00:20:27,255
Everyone did.
454
00:20:27,418 --> 00:20:29,150
Yeah, I guess it was artful.
455
00:20:29,175 --> 00:20:30,275
And the masses liked it.
456
00:20:31,150 --> 00:20:32,561
I hope you know what
that's like someday.
457
00:20:32,585 --> 00:20:34,681
All right, well, bring it
down a notch, there, bud, okay?
458
00:20:34,705 --> 00:20:37,095
Dan Decker could read one of
my philosophy papers out loud
459
00:20:37,135 --> 00:20:38,464
and the masses would like it, too, okay?
460
00:20:38,488 --> 00:20:40,355
That's... that's just Dan Decker.
461
00:20:40,380 --> 00:20:41,810
He is the coolest.
462
00:20:44,822 --> 00:20:47,470
All right, so just read
my book into the mic.
463
00:20:47,768 --> 00:20:50,040
"The pursuit of happiness
can be broken down
464
00:20:50,065 --> 00:20:51,825
into four basic categories:
465
00:20:52,250 --> 00:20:54,550
One, work a job where you can see
466
00:20:54,575 --> 00:20:56,876
the physical results of your
labor at the end of the day.
467
00:20:57,696 --> 00:21:01,245
Two, create mundane celebrations
468
00:21:01,270 --> 00:21:03,127
to distract from impending death.
469
00:21:04,649 --> 00:21:08,092
Three, ingest sugary, fatty,
470
00:21:08,125 --> 00:21:11,385
or salty foods that release endorphins."