1 00:00:03,655 --> 00:00:04,004 . 2 00:00:04,047 --> 00:00:06,832 [dramatic music] 3 00:00:06,876 --> 00:00:08,182 [shatters, all gasp] 4 00:00:08,225 --> 00:00:10,401 - Well, my brainy little babies, 5 00:00:10,445 --> 00:00:12,708 I have officially been thrown off the Harvard teat. 6 00:00:12,751 --> 00:00:14,579 - I thought you were fired a long time ago. 7 00:00:14,623 --> 00:00:16,320 - Oh, I was, Marcus, yeah. 8 00:00:16,364 --> 00:00:18,670 I was kicked off the salary and housing teat, 9 00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:20,324 but I was able to remain firmly latched 10 00:00:20,368 --> 00:00:23,240 on to their phone-plan teat. 11 00:00:23,284 --> 00:00:25,155 - Guys, if he says "teat" one more time, 12 00:00:25,199 --> 00:00:27,505 we might be able to get him fired. 13 00:00:27,549 --> 00:00:29,681 - Let's try and stay focused on my phone, Sarika. 14 00:00:29,725 --> 00:00:31,161 Uh, now, before you suggest 15 00:00:31,205 --> 00:00:32,684 that I just go to a phone store 16 00:00:32,728 --> 00:00:34,338 and sign up for my own plan-- 17 00:00:34,382 --> 00:00:35,687 - How is that not the solution? 18 00:00:35,731 --> 00:00:39,517 - Well, Anthony, because I have--Anyone? 19 00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:42,346 Atrocious credit. Yeah, yeah. 20 00:00:42,390 --> 00:00:45,349 No carrier will trust me, so I am off the grid 21 00:00:45,393 --> 00:00:47,090 until I come up with a solution. 22 00:00:47,134 --> 00:00:49,092 [dramatic note] 23 00:00:49,136 --> 00:00:51,442 - Are you saying you have no phone? 24 00:00:51,486 --> 00:00:53,096 Like, for good? 25 00:00:53,140 --> 00:00:55,272 - That's what I'm saying. - Are you gonna die? 26 00:00:55,316 --> 00:00:57,187 - I mean, there's an outside chance 27 00:00:57,231 --> 00:00:58,710 you could get on my family's plan. 28 00:00:58,754 --> 00:01:00,103 Yeah, I mean, my parents would have 29 00:01:00,147 --> 00:01:01,539 to get to know you a little better, 30 00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:03,367 but we could schedule a series of dinners. 31 00:01:03,411 --> 00:01:06,588 - You know what? I would dislike that, Marcus. 32 00:01:06,631 --> 00:01:09,156 I would dislike that very much. Yeah. 33 00:01:09,199 --> 00:01:10,896 But... 34 00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:13,508 the notion of piggybacking on somebody else's phone plan 35 00:01:13,551 --> 00:01:15,292 is very intriguing. 36 00:01:15,336 --> 00:01:16,685 [Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"] 37 00:01:16,728 --> 00:01:18,513 - One, two, three, four! 38 00:01:18,556 --> 00:01:20,515 - ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪ 39 00:01:20,558 --> 00:01:23,735 ♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪ 40 00:01:23,779 --> 00:01:30,742 ♪ 41 00:01:30,786 --> 00:01:33,745 [calming ethereal music playing] 42 00:01:33,789 --> 00:01:38,576 ♪ 43 00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:40,404 - What up, Helen DeGeneres? 44 00:01:40,448 --> 00:01:42,754 - How's my little puppy bird? 45 00:01:42,798 --> 00:01:44,843 - You know. Uh, is Principal Durbin ready 46 00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:46,932 for me to interview him for the school paper? 47 00:01:46,976 --> 00:01:49,761 - Uh, ready? He is so excited. 48 00:01:49,805 --> 00:01:51,763 We're gonna have to wait a second, though, 49 00:01:51,807 --> 00:01:53,896 because he's in there delivering a bummer bomb. 50 00:01:53,939 --> 00:01:55,506 [door opens] 51 00:01:55,550 --> 00:01:57,465 - Gary, no one has signed up 52 00:01:57,508 --> 00:01:59,206 for Coin Club in three years. 53 00:01:59,249 --> 00:02:00,555 I had to cut something. 54 00:02:00,598 --> 00:02:02,165 - One of these days, you're gonna find 55 00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:04,167 a beautiful Sacagawea, and you're gonna be like, 56 00:02:04,211 --> 00:02:06,343 "Where's Gary? I want to talk about it." 57 00:02:06,387 --> 00:02:09,259 And I'm gonna be-- poof--ghost. 58 00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:11,566 - Oh, God. I-- 59 00:02:11,609 --> 00:02:14,786 I hate, hate giving people bad news. 60 00:02:14,830 --> 00:02:16,571 Their faces-- they look like 61 00:02:16,614 --> 00:02:18,181 teddy bears in a Dumpster. 62 00:02:18,225 --> 00:02:19,661 - You're the principal. 63 00:02:19,704 --> 00:02:21,184 Let it rip. You can tell them 64 00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:22,272 whatever you want. 65 00:02:22,316 --> 00:02:23,665 - I know, but I-- 66 00:02:23,708 --> 00:02:24,970 Ugh. I just feel sick. 67 00:02:25,014 --> 00:02:26,798 - I feel sick, too. 68 00:02:26,842 --> 00:02:28,452 Though it could be because I ate 69 00:02:28,496 --> 00:02:29,801 a shellacked caramel 70 00:02:29,845 --> 00:02:32,630 off a old Christmas ornament last night 71 00:02:32,674 --> 00:02:34,545 I can be honest with you guys. 72 00:02:34,589 --> 00:02:35,894 - [clears throat] 73 00:02:35,938 --> 00:02:38,897 [calming ethereal music playing] 74 00:02:38,941 --> 00:02:41,770 - Gonna try to work it out. 75 00:02:41,813 --> 00:02:43,685 Drop it down the pike. 76 00:02:43,728 --> 00:02:45,339 ♪ 77 00:02:46,601 --> 00:02:47,732 - So... 78 00:02:47,776 --> 00:02:49,343 how are things with Seth? 79 00:02:49,386 --> 00:02:50,822 - Good. 80 00:02:50,866 --> 00:02:52,346 - Mm. 81 00:02:52,389 --> 00:02:54,696 - Ugh. Ugh. 82 00:02:56,524 --> 00:02:59,570 Mm-hmm. [all groaning] 83 00:02:59,614 --> 00:03:00,615 - Mary, you want some? 84 00:03:00,658 --> 00:03:01,833 - No. 85 00:03:01,877 --> 00:03:04,880 - So he took you out again last night? 86 00:03:04,923 --> 00:03:06,273 - Sort of. 87 00:03:06,316 --> 00:03:08,666 - Uh, sort of? [laughs] 88 00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:11,495 Uh, we got subs and ate them at the Laundromat. 89 00:03:11,539 --> 00:03:13,236 So, yeah, I took her out. 90 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,238 - Oh, you're not a fan of restaurants? 91 00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:16,718 - Whoa, someone's a frickin' millionaire. 92 00:03:16,761 --> 00:03:18,894 - What? - I'm a substitute teacher. 93 00:03:18,937 --> 00:03:20,765 So we each grabbed three on a six-inch. 94 00:03:20,809 --> 00:03:22,680 - We did. - Mm-hmm. 95 00:03:22,724 --> 00:03:24,508 - And you call this a date? 96 00:03:24,552 --> 00:03:26,554 - Um, let's just say that the changing table 97 00:03:26,597 --> 00:03:28,599 in the bathroom didn't break itself. 98 00:03:28,643 --> 00:03:29,861 [laughs] 99 00:03:29,905 --> 00:03:31,646 - We did... with sex. 100 00:03:31,689 --> 00:03:33,604 [both laughing] 101 00:03:33,648 --> 00:03:34,866 Ow! [bleep]. 102 00:03:34,910 --> 00:03:36,564 - Ooh. Said I was gonna get you. 103 00:03:36,607 --> 00:03:37,782 Ha ha! 104 00:03:37,826 --> 00:03:40,437 Catch ya later, masturbator. 105 00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:44,572 - So has he met the parents? 106 00:03:44,615 --> 00:03:45,877 - Ah, he needs to go. 107 00:03:45,921 --> 00:03:47,531 It's just that he's subbing here, 108 00:03:47,575 --> 00:03:49,359 and I can't just ghost him like I usually do. 109 00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:51,056 - Yeah. 110 00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:53,407 - Now, which one of you is gonna help me get rid of him? 111 00:03:53,450 --> 00:03:55,409 - Oh, not us. We are done. 112 00:03:55,452 --> 00:03:57,411 Every time we help you get rid of a guy, 113 00:03:57,454 --> 00:03:59,282 you wind up getting back together. 114 00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:00,718 - Mm-mm. You backslide. 115 00:04:00,762 --> 00:04:03,460 It's an exhausting cycle to watch and judge. 116 00:04:03,504 --> 00:04:04,983 - Oh, come on-- 117 00:04:05,027 --> 00:04:07,856 - Hey, hey, ladies, we're all basically, like, 118 00:04:07,899 --> 00:04:10,424 friends and family at this point, right? 119 00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:12,861 I am finding it impossible to secure a cell phone plan 120 00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:14,645 under my name. 121 00:04:14,689 --> 00:04:16,517 - Ah, and you want to piggyback on one of our plans. 122 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,345 - Ha. - Jack, I have 123 00:04:18,388 --> 00:04:20,521 way too many cousins for you to doggy-style on my plan. 124 00:04:20,564 --> 00:04:23,959 - Okay, well, it's piggyback, but, yeah. 125 00:04:24,002 --> 00:04:27,397 - Uh, you know, Jack, my family plan is da bomb, 126 00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:28,964 and I'll let you get in on it. 127 00:04:29,007 --> 00:04:30,574 - Yes! - But you have to do 128 00:04:30,618 --> 00:04:32,533 something for me in return. 129 00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:34,926 You have to help me kick my current boyfriend to the curb. 130 00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:36,798 - Okay, well, that actually sounds kind of fun. 131 00:04:36,841 --> 00:04:38,452 - But that's not the hard part. 132 00:04:38,495 --> 00:04:40,584 The hard part is helping me stay broken up with him, 133 00:04:40,628 --> 00:04:42,020 'cause "Today Mary" is gonna want to break up 134 00:04:42,064 --> 00:04:43,544 with that little scuzz, 135 00:04:43,587 --> 00:04:45,763 but "Tomorrow Mary" is gonna go scuzz-blind. 136 00:04:45,807 --> 00:04:48,940 - You know, this all sounds very doable. I am in. 137 00:04:48,984 --> 00:04:51,421 - Okay. Very nice doing business with you. 138 00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:52,596 - Oh, wonderful. 139 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,337 Wonderful doing business with you. 140 00:04:54,381 --> 00:04:55,643 [laughter] 141 00:04:55,686 --> 00:04:57,862 Yes! Nice. What? 142 00:04:57,906 --> 00:05:01,910 - You have no idea the job you just signed on for. 143 00:05:01,953 --> 00:05:04,478 There is nothing more powerful than the bond 144 00:05:04,521 --> 00:05:06,871 between a Mary and her scuzz. 145 00:05:06,915 --> 00:05:10,353 Backslide, Jack. - Backslide. 146 00:05:13,922 --> 00:05:14,139 . 147 00:05:14,183 --> 00:05:18,361 [thunder booming] 148 00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:21,277 - Don't move! - Jeez! 149 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,931 God, okay... [knocking] 150 00:05:22,974 --> 00:05:24,411 - Hi. - Hey. 151 00:05:24,454 --> 00:05:27,414 - Um, Mr. Griffin, what are you doing in my math class? 152 00:05:27,457 --> 00:05:29,938 - Whoa. It's like seeing a tiger in the wild. 153 00:05:29,981 --> 00:05:32,114 - [chuckles] Uh, Seth. 154 00:05:32,157 --> 00:05:34,246 Hi, I'm uh, Jack Griffin. I teach A.P. Bio. 155 00:05:34,290 --> 00:05:35,552 So you're subbing here? 156 00:05:35,596 --> 00:05:37,902 - Yep, yep. Anywhere that needs me. 157 00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:39,382 - Ah. - Kids really dig me. 158 00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:42,994 I always play the first 48 minutes of a movie. 159 00:05:43,038 --> 00:05:44,909 I've seen the first half of a lot 160 00:05:44,953 --> 00:05:47,259 of really good flicks. [both laugh] 161 00:05:47,303 --> 00:05:48,522 - Love it, I love it, I love it. 162 00:05:48,565 --> 00:05:50,611 And no shoes. Very cool. - Ah. 163 00:05:50,654 --> 00:05:52,352 - So I have something very sensitive in nature 164 00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:54,266 to talk to you about. 165 00:05:54,310 --> 00:05:57,095 Um, gang, if you could just go ahead and move your bodies 166 00:05:57,139 --> 00:05:59,315 to the back of the class, and, you know, face the wall, 167 00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:00,925 "Blair Witch" style. 168 00:06:00,969 --> 00:06:03,406 Heather, you want to...? 169 00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:06,191 - All right, move it or lose it, D-bags. 170 00:06:06,235 --> 00:06:09,020 [dramatic music] 171 00:06:09,064 --> 00:06:11,196 - [sighs] 172 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:14,896 ♪ 173 00:06:14,939 --> 00:06:16,506 - Uh, is that in, like-- is that in the second half 174 00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:18,029 of "Blair Witch"? 175 00:06:18,073 --> 00:06:21,119 - Hey, so, um, I'm a friend of Mary's 176 00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:23,557 and, well, she's asked me to tell you it's been 177 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:27,561 a tepid ride, but, uh, it's over, okay? 178 00:06:27,604 --> 00:06:28,997 All right. 179 00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,216 - Wait, are you-- are you serious? 180 00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:33,871 C-can we talk about that? - With me? No. No, no, no. 181 00:06:33,915 --> 00:06:35,482 I-I'm not really up to speed on most of it. 182 00:06:35,525 --> 00:06:37,222 I just, uh--you know, just the messenger here. 183 00:06:37,266 --> 00:06:38,659 I just know it's over, you know? 184 00:06:38,702 --> 00:06:40,530 So, uh, my work is sort of done here. 185 00:06:40,574 --> 00:06:42,402 - I just--I'm gonna go talk to her, because once she-- 186 00:06:42,445 --> 00:06:44,447 - No, no, no. [chuckles awkwardly] 187 00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:46,536 I'm handling this. 188 00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:48,364 - [sniffles] - Oh. 189 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:49,452 - [whimpering] 190 00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:50,932 - Oh, God. 191 00:06:50,975 --> 00:06:52,586 - [crying] 192 00:06:52,629 --> 00:06:56,677 - When a man cries, nothing feels safe. 193 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:58,113 - [continues crying] 194 00:06:58,156 --> 00:07:01,116 - He did not take it well. 195 00:07:01,159 --> 00:07:02,900 - Are you breaking it off with Seth? 196 00:07:02,944 --> 00:07:05,555 - Hey! Stop snooping. 197 00:07:05,599 --> 00:07:07,427 Go ahead, Jack. I'll cover. 198 00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:10,386 La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la... 199 00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:12,649 - All right. Uh, yeah, he just--he wouldn't accept it. 200 00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:15,913 All right? He was crying, and he wants to talk. 201 00:07:15,957 --> 00:07:18,960 - Damn it, Jack. Ugh. Cover me. 202 00:07:19,003 --> 00:07:21,223 - Oh. ♪ La, la, la, la, la... 203 00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:23,268 - You were supposed to handle this, you know, 204 00:07:23,312 --> 00:07:25,053 like family, not just phone it in. 205 00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:27,316 - Yeah, we can definitely still hear you back here. 206 00:07:27,359 --> 00:07:29,449 - Oh, my God. Just plug each other's ears. 207 00:07:30,493 --> 00:07:35,193 ♪ 208 00:07:35,237 --> 00:07:37,413 - Look, don't worry about it. I got you, okay? 209 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,110 I'll come over later, and I'll help you break it off. 210 00:07:39,154 --> 00:07:41,025 - Um, no, no, no. We got to do it at your place. 211 00:07:41,069 --> 00:07:42,723 Otherwise I'm gonna end up hooking up with him. 212 00:07:42,766 --> 00:07:45,552 - Uh, well, no, we can--what? You can't break up at my place. 213 00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:48,642 - Well, do you want to be on my phone plan or not? 214 00:07:48,685 --> 00:07:50,948 - Yes. Okay, fine. Fine, all right? 215 00:07:50,992 --> 00:07:52,123 But we got to do it fast, 216 00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:53,473 'cause Lynette's coming over later. 217 00:07:53,516 --> 00:07:55,257 - Ooooh. 218 00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:56,606 - Marcus, how is it that you're still hearing this? 219 00:07:56,650 --> 00:07:59,217 - My fingers are too small for his ear canals. 220 00:07:59,261 --> 00:08:00,436 - They're huge. 221 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,351 - Don't brag about that. 222 00:08:04,092 --> 00:08:06,964 [upbeat synth tune playing] 223 00:08:07,008 --> 00:08:08,749 - ♪ Sex is horrible 224 00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:12,056 ♪ And no one really likes it 225 00:08:12,100 --> 00:08:14,537 So that's what I play whenever I, uh, catch a kid 226 00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:15,712 with a condom. 227 00:08:15,756 --> 00:08:17,714 - Mm, my readers will love this. 228 00:08:17,758 --> 00:08:19,760 - Oh, and this what I play whenever I catch a student 229 00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:21,718 with drugs. [clears throat] 230 00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:26,201 ♪ Meth gives you joy only gods can experience ♪ 231 00:08:26,244 --> 00:08:28,464 ♪ But don't do it 232 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,379 - Ralph, time to break some spirits. 233 00:08:30,422 --> 00:08:32,381 Coach is here. - Already? 234 00:08:32,424 --> 00:08:34,688 Oh, boy. You can stay Anthony 235 00:08:34,731 --> 00:08:36,994 ♪ 236 00:08:37,038 --> 00:08:38,996 [clears throat] 237 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:41,129 [sighs] Coach, I, uh... 238 00:08:41,172 --> 00:08:44,393 I have some bad news I wish I could protect you from. 239 00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:46,308 - You don't got to sugarcoat it for me, Ralph. 240 00:08:46,351 --> 00:08:47,614 I'm not one of your book teachers. 241 00:08:47,657 --> 00:08:49,572 - All right, uh, well, um... 242 00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:52,009 I don't know how, uh-- 243 00:08:52,053 --> 00:08:55,230 It seems that there's a, uh-- 244 00:08:55,273 --> 00:08:58,363 Uh, well, I'm--doesn't-- It actually is... 245 00:08:58,407 --> 00:09:01,584 I'm sorry, uh... 246 00:09:01,628 --> 00:09:03,586 We're gonna let 247 00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:07,155 the marching band and the football team 248 00:09:07,198 --> 00:09:10,724 share practice time on the football field. 249 00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:13,596 - What? No way. It's not-- it's not called a band field. 250 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,380 - Uh, that's a good point. 251 00:09:15,424 --> 00:09:17,469 You know what? I'm gonna, uh, talk to the band director. 252 00:09:17,513 --> 00:09:19,602 Maybe we could, uh, find a-- 253 00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:23,388 - Oh, my God. Move over. 254 00:09:23,432 --> 00:09:25,390 The band's gonna use the field sometimes. 255 00:09:25,434 --> 00:09:27,828 This is happening to you. 256 00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:29,656 Deal with it. 257 00:09:29,699 --> 00:09:31,788 - Ralph, does the confident child speak 258 00:09:31,832 --> 00:09:34,574 on your behest for you? 259 00:09:36,619 --> 00:09:39,317 - Our talk is done. Shoo. 260 00:09:39,361 --> 00:09:41,711 - Shoo? You're gonna shoo me? Shoo you. 261 00:09:41,755 --> 00:09:43,713 Kids talk to me like that? Jesus Christ. 262 00:09:43,757 --> 00:09:45,193 - That was amazing! 263 00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:46,411 Anthony! [gasps] 264 00:09:46,455 --> 00:09:47,848 I have to deliver bad news all day. 265 00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:50,067 Is there any chance you'd want to sit in 266 00:09:50,111 --> 00:09:52,330 on some of these sessions? 267 00:09:52,374 --> 00:09:54,115 Okay, I can sweeten the deal. 268 00:09:54,158 --> 00:09:58,510 I got an Amazon gift card for Christmas, 269 00:09:58,554 --> 00:10:00,338 but there's not a slot on my computer for it, 270 00:10:00,382 --> 00:10:02,253 so... 271 00:10:03,646 --> 00:10:05,343 - Sure. 272 00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:08,346 [country music playing] 273 00:10:08,390 --> 00:10:12,089 ♪ 274 00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:14,265 - [sighs] [doorbell rings] 275 00:10:14,309 --> 00:10:15,527 Okay. 276 00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:19,880 All right. Listen-- 277 00:10:19,923 --> 00:10:21,316 - Mare-bear. 278 00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:22,709 Tell me that he's a liar. 279 00:10:22,752 --> 00:10:24,493 Because I know that you love me. 280 00:10:24,536 --> 00:10:26,669 You even said that you love how my back smells. 281 00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:29,150 - No, I just said, "Your back smells." 282 00:10:29,193 --> 00:10:30,586 - [groans] 283 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,328 - Seth, I'm looking for something else. 284 00:10:33,371 --> 00:10:35,809 - But, Mary, just think of all the fun that we could have. 285 00:10:35,852 --> 00:10:38,246 I just got us tickets to see Michael McDonald 286 00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:39,856 in concert next month. 287 00:10:39,900 --> 00:10:43,555 - I mean--I mean, if you already got the tickets, then-- 288 00:10:43,599 --> 00:10:45,427 - Mary, he doesn't have the tickets. 289 00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:47,168 - I'm gonna get the tickets. - He's gonna get the tickets. 290 00:10:47,211 --> 00:10:48,604 Yeah. - Yeah, I'm gonna get-- 291 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,475 - He's never--no, he's never gonna get the tickets. 292 00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:52,260 - I said I was gonna get-- - He will not get the tickets! 293 00:10:52,303 --> 00:10:53,565 - I need to get paid, then I can buy the tickets. 294 00:10:53,609 --> 00:10:55,306 - Mary, end this. You're a strong woman. 295 00:10:55,350 --> 00:10:58,483 I've seen you kick a coffee table across a lobby. 296 00:10:58,527 --> 00:11:01,399 [dramatic music] 297 00:11:01,443 --> 00:11:04,315 - Seth, have a happy life. 298 00:11:04,359 --> 00:11:07,536 - No. I'm not going anywhere... 299 00:11:07,579 --> 00:11:09,451 until you take me back. 300 00:11:09,494 --> 00:11:12,454 - Wait. What? Wait. Are those-- 301 00:11:12,497 --> 00:11:14,282 Uh, that's not good. 302 00:11:14,325 --> 00:11:15,675 - Whatever. Bye. - Where you going? 303 00:11:15,718 --> 00:11:17,633 No, no, no. No, no, no. 304 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,156 You're not--no. Oh. 305 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,158 ♪ 306 00:11:21,202 --> 00:11:23,160 Oh. 307 00:11:23,204 --> 00:11:25,293 ♪ 308 00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:27,164 [car door opens, closes] 309 00:11:27,208 --> 00:11:28,470 - Did she-- [engine turning over] 310 00:11:28,513 --> 00:11:29,645 She left, right? 311 00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,516 Is that her car now? - [sighs] 312 00:11:33,867 --> 00:11:34,084 . 313 00:11:34,128 --> 00:11:35,825 - Come on. - Closer. 314 00:11:35,869 --> 00:11:38,088 Warmer. Warmer. 315 00:11:38,132 --> 00:11:39,307 - Oh, stop tricking me into touching 316 00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:40,917 other parts of your body. 317 00:11:40,961 --> 00:11:43,006 Just tell me where the keys to the cuffs are. 318 00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:44,965 - I don't know. 319 00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:48,011 - All right, man. You asked for this. 320 00:11:49,317 --> 00:11:52,102 [chair whirring] 321 00:11:52,146 --> 00:11:54,278 [dramatic music] 322 00:11:54,322 --> 00:11:57,151 You gonna tell me? - This is fine. 323 00:11:57,194 --> 00:12:00,371 It's kind of like a back massage. 324 00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:02,939 Oops. That step's trying to steal my jeans. 325 00:12:02,983 --> 00:12:04,767 [chuckles] Oh, it got 'em. 326 00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:06,290 There they go. 327 00:12:06,334 --> 00:12:07,683 Yeah, that's what I'm working with. 328 00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:10,077 - Oh, come on-- [doorbell rings] 329 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:13,123 [sighs, groans] 330 00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:14,124 Hi. - Hello. 331 00:12:14,168 --> 00:12:15,473 [both chuckle] 332 00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:17,258 Oof. Okay. 333 00:12:17,301 --> 00:12:19,390 Three openers-- Uh, you look great, all right? 334 00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,697 You smell like lemons, and.. 335 00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,830 Mary's ex-boyfriend is handcuffed 336 00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:25,788 to my dead mom's stair lift. 337 00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:28,225 - Hey, Lynette. - Oh. 338 00:12:28,269 --> 00:12:29,923 - Jack took off my pants with this antique elevator. 339 00:12:29,966 --> 00:12:32,360 - No, that's--that's a lie. - Hey, Seth. 340 00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:34,057 - Hey, do you happen to have my paycheck on you? 341 00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:35,450 I think it should be around $38. 342 00:12:35,493 --> 00:12:36,843 - You know, I don't, 343 00:12:36,886 --> 00:12:39,149 and I think you broke even after taxes. 344 00:12:39,193 --> 00:12:40,890 - [scoffs] Thanks, Obama. 345 00:12:40,934 --> 00:12:41,978 - Wine? 346 00:12:42,022 --> 00:12:43,501 - Love some. - Yeah. 347 00:12:43,545 --> 00:12:45,199 - What are we thinking, though, red or white? 348 00:12:45,242 --> 00:12:46,983 - [groans] 349 00:12:47,027 --> 00:12:49,072 - I don't really know anything about birds. 350 00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:53,337 My hobby is stuffing things-- you know, taxidermy. 351 00:12:53,381 --> 00:12:57,428 And I guess I'd just rather stuff birds because-- 352 00:12:57,472 --> 00:12:59,300 - So are you guys like a thing? 353 00:12:59,343 --> 00:13:01,041 Because you seem like you're into each other, 354 00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:02,825 but you also seem like you're cousins. 355 00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:04,087 Like, I guess what I'm asking 356 00:13:04,131 --> 00:13:06,002 is what stuff are you guys doing? 357 00:13:06,046 --> 00:13:07,351 - Mostly outercourse. - None of your business. 358 00:13:07,395 --> 00:13:09,397 - "Outercourse"? [laughs] 359 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:12,356 Okay, well... [chuckles] I'll leave you guys to it. 360 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,489 [chair whirring] 361 00:13:14,532 --> 00:13:17,057 [indistinct chatter on TV] 362 00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:18,798 - A man should have a hobby. 363 00:13:21,017 --> 00:13:22,889 [jaunty video game music plays] 364 00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:24,847 - [chuckles] 365 00:13:24,891 --> 00:13:27,894 Oh, man, these birds are just so furious. 366 00:13:27,937 --> 00:13:29,765 So mad. - One second. 367 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,288 - I like it with the sound on. 368 00:13:31,332 --> 00:13:34,248 - Do you? This is mine now. 369 00:13:34,291 --> 00:13:37,033 [sighs] I mean, no phone plan is worth this. 370 00:13:37,077 --> 00:13:40,820 - Hey, you know how you get rid of me, right? 371 00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:43,170 You get me back with my love... 372 00:13:43,213 --> 00:13:45,085 my soul mate. 373 00:13:45,128 --> 00:13:49,350 ♪ 374 00:13:49,393 --> 00:13:51,918 - Hey, look, nobody wants to see you backslide 375 00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:53,397 any less than me, but... 376 00:13:53,441 --> 00:13:56,226 You should know Seth is obsessed with you. 377 00:13:56,270 --> 00:13:59,229 He won't stop talking about you. 378 00:13:59,273 --> 00:14:00,491 - Did he say obsessed, or-- 379 00:14:00,535 --> 00:14:02,798 - Uh-uh. Okay, I know that look. 380 00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,408 Michelle, let's go. - Yeah. 381 00:14:04,452 --> 00:14:07,237 - I told you, Jack-- backslide. 382 00:14:07,281 --> 00:14:10,284 ♪ 383 00:14:10,327 --> 00:14:11,938 See you. 384 00:14:13,026 --> 00:14:15,245 - Yeah. - Oop. 385 00:14:15,289 --> 00:14:17,595 - I'll find it. Yeah. 386 00:14:17,639 --> 00:14:19,554 - Look, I'm-- [scoffs] I'm telling you, 387 00:14:19,597 --> 00:14:21,861 this guy wants you back so badly, 388 00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:23,297 he went on a hunger strike. 389 00:14:23,340 --> 00:14:25,386 - Oh, he must be out of his mind for me. 390 00:14:25,429 --> 00:14:27,083 - Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's a mess. [exhales sharply] 391 00:14:27,127 --> 00:14:28,606 - [sighs] You know, I'm just gonna 392 00:14:28,650 --> 00:14:30,913 stay focused, and I'm not gonna think about him. 393 00:14:30,957 --> 00:14:32,436 - You are gonna be fine. - Yeah. 394 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:33,568 - [laughs] All right. 395 00:14:33,611 --> 00:14:35,483 - Okay. - You got this. 396 00:14:37,354 --> 00:14:39,443 [cell phone clicking] 397 00:14:39,487 --> 00:14:43,186 ♪ 398 00:14:43,230 --> 00:14:44,622 [cell phone bloops] [laughs] 399 00:14:44,666 --> 00:14:46,624 [cell phone chimes] 400 00:14:46,668 --> 00:14:49,845 ♪ 401 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,195 - Stay strong. Stay strong. 402 00:14:54,284 --> 00:14:56,199 - [sighs] 403 00:14:56,243 --> 00:14:58,114 Time to hit some peeps with bad news. 404 00:14:58,158 --> 00:14:59,289 - [chuckles] 405 00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:01,248 [percussive music] 406 00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:04,207 Joyce, we moved your parking spot to the auxiliary lot. 407 00:15:04,251 --> 00:15:05,469 It's a done deal. 408 00:15:05,513 --> 00:15:07,863 - You see, that's not gonna work for me. 409 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,953 I'm already getting up at 2:00 a.m. to take my nephew 410 00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:13,042 to the ER 'cause of his croup. I says to my sister-- 411 00:15:13,086 --> 00:15:15,305 - Joyce. Joyce. 412 00:15:15,349 --> 00:15:16,654 Joyce! 413 00:15:16,698 --> 00:15:18,352 Not my business. 414 00:15:18,395 --> 00:15:20,441 Mute and scoot. 415 00:15:20,484 --> 00:15:22,965 ♪ 416 00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:24,967 All of your cleaning supplies are being switched 417 00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:26,534 to generic and unscented. 418 00:15:26,577 --> 00:15:28,362 - "Unscented"? [laughs] 419 00:15:28,405 --> 00:15:32,148 You know what humans do in bathrooms, right? 420 00:15:32,192 --> 00:15:34,672 You're with me on this, right, Durbin? 421 00:15:34,716 --> 00:15:36,283 - Durbin's not here. 422 00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:39,895 Breathe out your mouth. [exhales sharply] 423 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,375 ♪ 424 00:15:41,418 --> 00:15:43,029 [crunches] 425 00:15:43,072 --> 00:15:44,987 Principal Durbin isn't concerning himself 426 00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:46,989 with the casting of the school play. 427 00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:50,253 You can either play "Tree in Distance" or quit. 428 00:15:50,297 --> 00:15:53,996 - Great! I'll play the tree. I don't mind at all. 429 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:54,997 - Oh. 430 00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:58,392 ♪ 431 00:15:58,435 --> 00:16:01,090 - [exhales sharply] 432 00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:03,092 ♪ 433 00:16:03,136 --> 00:16:05,138 [school bell ringing] - Right, new plan-- 434 00:16:05,181 --> 00:16:08,402 So I'm texting Mary from her ex-boyfriend's phone. 435 00:16:08,445 --> 00:16:10,143 I'm gonna trick her into getting back 436 00:16:10,186 --> 00:16:11,927 with that idiot so I can get him out of my house. 437 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,408 Uh, do you guys have any suggestions? 438 00:16:14,451 --> 00:16:17,150 - I don't get it. Aren't you Mary's friend? 439 00:16:17,193 --> 00:16:19,021 - Of course. Yeah. 440 00:16:19,065 --> 00:16:20,980 - Yeah, and didn't she offer to put you on her family plan 441 00:16:21,023 --> 00:16:22,503 if you help her get rid of this guy? 442 00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:24,026 - Yeah. 443 00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,593 - And now you're trying to set her up 444 00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:27,290 with the very same man 445 00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:29,510 who you yourself called an idiot not moments ago? 446 00:16:32,165 --> 00:16:35,690 - You guys--you all think I'm a bad guy? 447 00:16:35,733 --> 00:16:38,562 Is that what this is? 448 00:16:38,606 --> 00:16:41,174 Heather, where do you stand on this? 449 00:16:41,217 --> 00:16:42,958 - I can't tell if you're doing a mission 450 00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,525 for Ms. Wagner or against her. 451 00:16:44,568 --> 00:16:46,570 I'm Team Griffin either way. 452 00:16:46,614 --> 00:16:50,574 Let's get her... or help her. 453 00:16:50,618 --> 00:16:52,446 - I guess you have to ask yourself 454 00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:54,970 if you really care about your friend. 455 00:16:57,581 --> 00:16:59,540 - See, this is why I avoid friendships. 456 00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:01,237 - Yeah, that's why. 457 00:17:01,281 --> 00:17:02,760 - [sighs] 458 00:17:02,804 --> 00:17:04,632 Now I'm gonna have to figure out another way 459 00:17:04,675 --> 00:17:07,678 to get rid of this human pork rind. 460 00:17:07,722 --> 00:17:10,072 Guess I'm gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way. 461 00:17:10,116 --> 00:17:13,075 [dramatic music] 462 00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:20,126 ♪ 463 00:17:22,824 --> 00:17:25,000 - Scuzz-blind. 464 00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,436 - Wait, what? 465 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,525 - [sighs] 466 00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:31,441 . 467 00:17:31,485 --> 00:17:33,574 [both laughing] 468 00:17:33,617 --> 00:17:35,576 - I'm sorry, Mary, did you have the key the whole time? 469 00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:37,143 - No. Seth was hiding it 470 00:17:37,186 --> 00:17:39,101 in a place I call his "secret pouch." 471 00:17:39,145 --> 00:17:40,624 - And that's not my butt. 472 00:17:40,668 --> 00:17:42,104 - [groans] No. What is happening? Why? 473 00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:44,237 - We're back, baby. [laughs] 474 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:45,673 All right, I'm gonna pop upstairs, 475 00:17:45,716 --> 00:17:46,935 I'm gonna put my jeans back on, 476 00:17:46,978 --> 00:17:49,068 and then we're gonna scoot. [laughs] 477 00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:52,941 - Oh, God. - I know. 478 00:17:52,984 --> 00:17:56,118 - Mary, you--you--you can't get back together with that guy. 479 00:17:56,162 --> 00:17:57,815 - Jack, don't worry. You're off the hook. 480 00:17:57,859 --> 00:17:59,687 We'll go get you a brand-new phone tomorrow 481 00:17:59,730 --> 00:18:01,210 and sign you up on my plan. 482 00:18:01,254 --> 00:18:04,039 - No, but it--it-- it just don't feel right. 483 00:18:05,693 --> 00:18:06,737 - Okay, Jackie boy. 484 00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:08,043 It's been a fun 24 hours, 485 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,523 but it's time for me to get going. 486 00:18:09,566 --> 00:18:10,915 - Yeah, that's my mother's luggage. 487 00:18:10,959 --> 00:18:13,483 - Oh. 488 00:18:13,527 --> 00:18:16,617 Well, it's broken. Tell her that. 489 00:18:16,660 --> 00:18:18,053 All right, babe. 490 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,142 I'm gonna go outside and warm up the car... 491 00:18:20,186 --> 00:18:21,665 with my farts. 492 00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:24,799 [laughing] 493 00:18:24,842 --> 00:18:27,584 - Eh, diet starts tomorrow, 494 00:18:27,628 --> 00:18:29,151 but tonight I'm gonna go eat this cake. 495 00:18:29,195 --> 00:18:30,283 - Wait, wait. Hold on one second. 496 00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:32,154 I just-- - What the fudge? 497 00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:33,634 - Uh-huh, yep. Nope. 498 00:18:33,677 --> 00:18:34,896 - [grunts] - No, no, no. Nope, nope. 499 00:18:34,939 --> 00:18:36,289 You're not going with him. Let's go. 500 00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:39,161 - Jack, I am a grown-ass woman, 501 00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:42,164 and sometimes I want to make bad decisions, so let me. 502 00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:44,862 - No. I'm not letting you leave until you've horned down a bit 503 00:18:44,906 --> 00:18:46,864 and promise me you are done with that dude. 504 00:18:46,908 --> 00:18:49,171 - Fine, then no phone plan for you. 505 00:18:49,215 --> 00:18:51,173 - Fine. 506 00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:53,175 But I have something to say, 507 00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:55,177 and this is not gonna be one of those things where I tell you 508 00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:57,527 that you are deserving of someone far better than 509 00:18:57,571 --> 00:19:01,749 that human tapeworm out there because you are a catch... 510 00:19:01,792 --> 00:19:03,185 and not just a Toledo catch, 511 00:19:03,229 --> 00:19:06,536 but, like, a regular, good-city catch. 512 00:19:06,580 --> 00:19:08,190 Instead, I'm gonna sit here with you 513 00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:10,627 until you come to that conclusion on your own. 514 00:19:10,671 --> 00:19:13,064 And there is absolutely no way I'm letting you go before then 515 00:19:13,108 --> 00:19:17,068 because I do not have the keys to these handcuffs. 516 00:19:17,112 --> 00:19:19,027 I'm just now realizing that. 517 00:19:19,070 --> 00:19:21,334 [ominous music] 518 00:19:21,377 --> 00:19:22,770 [knock at door, door opens] 519 00:19:22,813 --> 00:19:24,206 - Hello? 520 00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:27,340 Oh, uh, where's Principal Durbin? 521 00:19:27,383 --> 00:19:28,689 - Take a seat. 522 00:19:28,732 --> 00:19:31,039 - Okeydokey. [chuckles] 523 00:19:31,082 --> 00:19:34,042 Didn't expect, uh... you to be here. 524 00:19:34,085 --> 00:19:35,565 [clears throat] So, uh... 525 00:19:35,609 --> 00:19:38,220 what is this meeting about? 526 00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:41,310 ♪ 527 00:19:41,354 --> 00:19:43,704 - As you can see, you gave me a B-minus 528 00:19:43,747 --> 00:19:45,358 on my erosion diorama. 529 00:19:45,401 --> 00:19:47,098 I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you keep me 530 00:19:47,142 --> 00:19:49,927 out of Georgetown, so you're gonna give me an A, 531 00:19:49,971 --> 00:19:51,929 or we're gonna have to let you go. 532 00:19:51,973 --> 00:19:53,670 ♪ 533 00:19:53,714 --> 00:19:55,237 - [gasps] 534 00:19:55,281 --> 00:19:58,588 Oh, thank God. Anthony's trying to fire me. 535 00:19:58,632 --> 00:20:00,242 - What are you doing? 536 00:20:00,286 --> 00:20:02,026 - I think something bit Anthony. 537 00:20:02,070 --> 00:20:03,027 Can you hear me? 538 00:20:03,071 --> 00:20:04,768 - Quiet, Noodle Curls! 539 00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:07,336 - You got a little too much dip on your chip, buster. 540 00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:10,252 Get up, take your disrespectful butt 541 00:20:10,296 --> 00:20:12,254 straight to my office! 542 00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:14,082 Keep it moving! 543 00:20:14,125 --> 00:20:16,650 - I'm sorry. I was trying to help Principal Durbin. 544 00:20:16,693 --> 00:20:21,176 - Dave, your classes are being transferred 545 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,308 to the trailer. 546 00:20:22,351 --> 00:20:23,961 - What? 547 00:20:24,005 --> 00:20:25,746 Oh, come on. 548 00:20:25,789 --> 00:20:28,923 - We're done talking. Shoo. 549 00:20:28,966 --> 00:20:31,230 [exhales sharply] - [groans] 550 00:20:31,273 --> 00:20:33,884 Well, thank you so much for ruining my day. 551 00:20:33,928 --> 00:20:35,669 I already sat in cornbread. 552 00:20:35,712 --> 00:20:38,149 [sighs] Come on. 553 00:20:38,193 --> 00:20:40,717 [dramatic music] 554 00:20:40,761 --> 00:20:42,284 - [laughing] 555 00:20:42,328 --> 00:20:43,894 - Well, good work, Jack-In-The-Sweats. 556 00:20:43,938 --> 00:20:45,331 - Yeah, nice job. 557 00:20:45,374 --> 00:20:47,811 - Hey, I would do the same for either of you. 558 00:20:47,855 --> 00:20:49,160 - Aw. 559 00:20:49,204 --> 00:20:50,292 - Please don't break up my marriage. 560 00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:51,859 Please. - I'm not-- 561 00:20:51,902 --> 00:20:53,164 - Now, Stef, she could use a little help. 562 00:20:53,208 --> 00:20:54,775 - I don't have a problem. 563 00:20:54,818 --> 00:20:57,778 I just like dating older Indian doctors. 564 00:20:57,821 --> 00:20:59,127 - They're always secretly married. 565 00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:00,302 - Not happily. 566 00:21:00,346 --> 00:21:01,825 - And leaders of a sex cult. 567 00:21:01,869 --> 00:21:04,088 - Not happily. 568 00:21:04,132 --> 00:21:05,264 [school bell ringing] 569 00:21:05,307 --> 00:21:07,266 - Oh, I should head to class. 570 00:21:07,309 --> 00:21:09,137 - Yep, I should probably head with you. 571 00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:10,356 Okeydokey. 572 00:21:10,399 --> 00:21:11,705 - We can hit shop class at lunch. 573 00:21:11,748 --> 00:21:12,967 - Okay. - You know? 574 00:21:13,010 --> 00:21:14,142 - Yeah, let's do that. - Whoa. 575 00:21:14,185 --> 00:21:15,404 - I got to say, though, 576 00:21:15,448 --> 00:21:17,711 I, uh--I'm gonna miss this. - Aw.