1 00:00:01,021 --> 00:00:04,821 The following programme contains strong language and adult humour. 2 00:00:23,101 --> 00:00:25,501 (TRAFFIC NOISE AND CHATTER) 3 00:00:34,541 --> 00:00:37,741 (WIND HOWLS, CLOCK TICKS) 4 00:00:39,421 --> 00:00:41,621 (DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS SHUT) 5 00:00:41,661 --> 00:00:43,701 WOMAN: You gotta be kidding me! 6 00:00:44,341 --> 00:00:46,781 The attic? (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) 7 00:00:46,821 --> 00:00:49,701 Who puts on a play in a freaking attic! 8 00:00:51,381 --> 00:00:54,941 Oh, Jesus! My vagina can't do stairs. 9 00:00:55,701 --> 00:00:58,061 It'll prolapse for chrissakes! (HEAVY FOOTSTEPS) 10 00:00:58,101 --> 00:01:00,701 One more floor and it'll be down by my knees. 11 00:01:00,741 --> 00:01:03,901 Over 50 feet and it becomes a trip hazard. 12 00:01:05,061 --> 00:01:07,221 Another floor? 13 00:01:07,261 --> 00:01:12,861 (THUDDING FOOTSTEPS) Seriously? I'm getting altitude sickness up here! 14 00:01:12,901 --> 00:01:14,861 (DOOR CREAKS) 15 00:01:14,901 --> 00:01:18,301 (SIGHS) Finally! 16 00:01:19,581 --> 00:01:21,701 Mount fucking Olympus! 17 00:01:21,741 --> 00:01:23,461 Stand up. 18 00:01:26,861 --> 00:01:28,901 Have I walked into a hostage situation? 19 00:01:28,941 --> 00:01:31,541 Are you OK, sweetie, or is he keeping you here against your will? 20 00:01:31,581 --> 00:01:33,701 No, I'm just - I'm joking. Look at him, 21 00:01:33,741 --> 00:01:37,581 I've eaten scarier chicken wings. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hi, I'm -You! 22 00:01:37,621 --> 00:01:39,301 Human sundial! What's your name? 23 00:01:39,341 --> 00:01:42,781 I'm Barbra. Barbra Streisand. 24 00:01:42,821 --> 00:01:46,021 Joan Molinsky. Manhattan's most heckled comic. 25 00:01:46,061 --> 00:01:47,981 (CHUCKLES) I'm sure that's not true, Joan. 26 00:01:48,021 --> 00:01:52,221 Honey, I've died so many times I bring my own defibrillator on stage. 27 00:01:52,261 --> 00:01:55,461 Who are you, and what woodland creature died on your top lip? 28 00:01:56,381 --> 00:02:01,701 I'm Jim. Your director. Director? Don't be ridiculous. 29 00:02:01,741 --> 00:02:05,941 Look at you! You're a child. Um, it's nearly ten o'clock. 30 00:02:05,981 --> 00:02:09,461 Yes, it is. Thank you, Barbra. We need to get moving, for chrissakes. 31 00:02:09,501 --> 00:02:12,341 Can't keep our star waiting. (WHISPERS) Sorry, Jim. 32 00:02:12,381 --> 00:02:14,901 Kids, I'm gonna need ten minutes. This Band-Aid's coming off. 33 00:02:14,941 --> 00:02:17,221 No one wants to see a wandering septum on stage. 34 00:02:17,781 --> 00:02:20,181 Moustache, you can get us some bagels. 35 00:02:30,781 --> 00:02:32,741 Are you stiff? 36 00:02:33,141 --> 00:02:34,461 You want me to rub your back? 37 00:02:35,341 --> 00:02:39,501 -Um, I think I'm OK. -Barbra, you'll never get into the inner life 38 00:02:39,541 --> 00:02:41,101 of the character if your body is tense. 39 00:02:41,141 --> 00:02:43,901 Come on, let me give you a massage. 40 00:02:44,661 --> 00:02:48,221 Ah, that's better. My left nostril was on the move. 41 00:02:48,261 --> 00:02:50,621 Figured it best to tether it down before we get started. 42 00:02:50,661 --> 00:02:52,701 OK. Ready for you, kid. Shoot. 43 00:02:52,741 --> 00:02:56,501 OK. So, I thought it would be a good thing to get you two together 44 00:02:56,541 --> 00:02:59,461 you know, before the others arrive because we gotta do the big scene. 45 00:02:59,501 --> 00:03:00,581 Great. 46 00:03:01,781 --> 00:03:04,181 Sorry, I'm not sure what you mean. 47 00:03:04,221 --> 00:03:07,461 -You didn't tell her? -In the script it says my big scene's with - 48 00:03:07,501 --> 00:03:11,101 Don't be obstructive, Barbra. The script has changed, sweetie. 49 00:03:11,141 --> 00:03:16,221 I can't believe you didn't tell her. OK, fine. So... So, the part has... 50 00:03:17,181 --> 00:03:21,741 I'm trying to find the word. Evolved. It's evolved, honey. 51 00:03:21,781 --> 00:03:24,221 -Oh. -I know. Unconventional, 52 00:03:24,261 --> 00:03:28,021 but they were just so desperate for me to do it. 53 00:03:29,981 --> 00:03:34,781 Manny, don't make me beg! Joan, Joan, I have clients waiting. 54 00:03:34,821 --> 00:03:38,141 -You're scaring 'em. -I need a job. 55 00:03:38,181 --> 00:03:41,901 Something dramatic. I can't do the comedy any more, Manny. 56 00:03:41,941 --> 00:03:44,301 The audiences hate me. I'm even losing the dry-clean. 57 00:03:44,341 --> 00:03:47,661 Joan, I ain't got nothing. I'll holler again! 58 00:03:47,701 --> 00:03:52,181 OK! OK, uh... I only got one role. 59 00:03:52,221 --> 00:03:55,701 -It's off-Broadway. -I'll take it. -You can't. -Why not? 60 00:03:55,741 --> 00:03:59,901 Because the part is Man in Black. So, make her Woman in Black. 61 00:03:59,941 --> 00:04:04,021 (CHORTLES) You c... No, Joan, Joan. 62 00:04:04,061 --> 00:04:08,301 You can't have a girl playing a boy! They won't go for it. 63 00:04:08,341 --> 00:04:11,301 Manny, you tell them I'll fill their crummy theatre 64 00:04:11,341 --> 00:04:13,541 night after goddam night. (THUD) Ooh, hoo! 65 00:04:13,581 --> 00:04:16,701 You tell them I'll pack that venue so full of rich Jews 66 00:04:16,741 --> 00:04:18,781 they'll think Moses himself was doing publicity. 67 00:04:18,821 --> 00:04:21,861 (CHUCKLES) I'm the Woman in Black, Manny! 68 00:04:21,901 --> 00:04:24,101 (SOFTLY) I'm the Woman in Black. 69 00:04:24,741 --> 00:04:27,941 Woman in Black! It was last minute, Barbra. 70 00:04:27,981 --> 00:04:30,781 You're... fine with that, yeah? Sure. 71 00:04:31,981 --> 00:04:34,981 So... two girls. 72 00:04:36,301 --> 00:04:38,421 Let me just change the script. 73 00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:44,781 And the love scene's -still as written? -Absolutely. 74 00:04:44,821 --> 00:04:47,661 What love scene? Haven't you read it? 75 00:04:47,701 --> 00:04:50,141 Of course she's read it! Of course I've read it. 76 00:04:51,581 --> 00:04:53,341 You mean we're kissing? BOTH: Yes. 77 00:04:53,381 --> 00:04:55,861 -Right. -Great, isn't it? 78 00:04:55,901 --> 00:04:58,061 Think of the scandal, the publicity! 79 00:04:58,101 --> 00:05:01,461 We're gonna get shut down. I'm gonna be the guy who shocks New York City. 80 00:05:02,581 --> 00:05:05,661 Honey, how old are you? Sixteen, I graduate in summer. 81 00:05:05,701 --> 00:05:09,701 Great! She's a foetus. Are you sure you're OK with this? 82 00:05:09,741 --> 00:05:12,461 -She's fine. -I asked Barbra. 83 00:05:13,101 --> 00:05:17,501 It's cool. I live in The Village, so I've pretty much seen everything. 84 00:05:18,381 --> 00:05:21,381 Well, I too am cool...with it. 85 00:05:21,421 --> 00:05:24,741 Very cool. I was raised cool. 86 00:05:27,181 --> 00:05:29,221 I'm not saying that women should stay in the house. 87 00:05:29,261 --> 00:05:31,901 I'm not saying that, Joan. He's not saying that, Joan. 88 00:05:31,941 --> 00:05:34,621 I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is, they need boundaries. 89 00:05:34,661 --> 00:05:37,541 Women who venture out, go exploring beyond what's comfortable, 90 00:05:37,581 --> 00:05:39,141 well, then, they get upset. 91 00:05:39,181 --> 00:05:41,941 I went to the Lower East Side the other day. 92 00:05:41,981 --> 00:05:45,261 -Beatrice, how many times! -I'm sorry, there was a warehouse sale on. 93 00:05:45,301 --> 00:05:49,981 Anyway, I saw a man... (GASPS) 94 00:05:50,021 --> 00:05:53,661 ..kissing a man. Oh, Jesus, honey, we're eating! 95 00:05:53,701 --> 00:05:56,821 Imagine that! A man and another man. 96 00:05:56,861 --> 00:06:01,621 I mean, God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and, and, and, um... 97 00:06:01,661 --> 00:06:04,501 -Uh, John. -John, yes. Adam and John. 98 00:06:04,541 --> 00:06:07,261 Anyways, I got brisket. You want some? 99 00:06:08,581 --> 00:06:11,141 Listen, I'm OK with the change. 100 00:06:11,181 --> 00:06:13,981 I just need to rethink my character, that's all. 101 00:06:14,021 --> 00:06:16,741 (SIGHS) Can I take ten minutes and work up a new back story? 102 00:06:16,781 --> 00:06:19,341 No. You've wasted enough time, Barbra. We need to get on. 103 00:06:19,381 --> 00:06:21,741 Now, ladies, come on. The other actors are gonna be here 104 00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:24,061 in a minute. Let's focus. 105 00:06:35,981 --> 00:06:38,221 Well, he seems like the perfect dick. 106 00:06:38,261 --> 00:06:42,141 Why'd you let him talk to you -like that? -No, Jim's cool. 107 00:06:42,181 --> 00:06:44,101 He's done Ibsen and everything. 108 00:06:44,141 --> 00:06:46,501 Honestly, kid, I don't know what that is. 109 00:06:46,541 --> 00:06:51,181 He has such a strong vision for this piece. Amazing. 110 00:06:52,381 --> 00:06:56,261 -You read the script? -Of course! Ah. Yeah, yeah. Me, too. 111 00:06:56,301 --> 00:06:58,421 Me, too. 112 00:06:58,461 --> 00:07:00,821 What do we do in it? 113 00:07:00,861 --> 00:07:04,821 Well, we have...one scene together at the beginning. 114 00:07:04,861 --> 00:07:07,501 -And another one at the end. -Yeah. 115 00:07:08,781 --> 00:07:11,821 What are these people doing here? -They're in the rest of it. -Sure. 116 00:07:11,861 --> 00:07:16,141 Course I... I read... I just... I thought I'd improvise a bit. 117 00:07:16,181 --> 00:07:19,501 -It's a play, Joan. -Yeah. 118 00:07:19,541 --> 00:07:23,381 You have to read the text -as it's written. -The text? 119 00:07:23,421 --> 00:07:26,021 Man, you are one uptight teenager. 120 00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:32,341 So, how many lines I got?(SIGHS) 121 00:07:35,941 --> 00:07:39,141 Welcome, everyone. Let's make a start. 122 00:07:40,381 --> 00:07:43,301 Page one. (CLEARS THROAT) 123 00:07:43,341 --> 00:07:47,261 Our scene begins in Gregg's cabin on the shores of Lake Michigan. 124 00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:50,981 It's summer, and a hot wind is blowing at the dunes. 125 00:07:51,021 --> 00:07:53,301 That's it! Spare us the details, honey. 126 00:07:53,341 --> 00:07:55,381 It is theatrical Siberia in here. 127 00:07:55,981 --> 00:07:58,701 It's so cold you could hang a wet ballgown off these nipples! 128 00:07:58,741 --> 00:08:02,301 (THEY LAUGH) Man, I love actors. You're so starved of joy 129 00:08:02,341 --> 00:08:03,861 you laugh at any old shit. 130 00:08:03,901 --> 00:08:07,821 If I ever have to gig again, I want you squares in the front row. 131 00:08:07,861 --> 00:08:11,661 (CHUCKLING) Hey, Madam Shnoz, you laughing under that nose? 132 00:08:11,701 --> 00:08:17,341 I can't tell cos of the shadow. Boy, you are one tough nut to crack. 133 00:08:17,981 --> 00:08:21,221 OK, Jim. Let's cut the crap and go straight to my monologue. 134 00:08:21,261 --> 00:08:24,501 Uh, you don't have a monologue. Only Gregg has a monologue. 135 00:08:24,541 --> 00:08:27,901 Then why aren't I playing Gregg? (DOOR SLAMS) 136 00:08:30,781 --> 00:08:32,621 I'm Gregg. 137 00:08:35,381 --> 00:08:36,501 OK. 138 00:08:41,341 --> 00:08:45,421 ♪ Now you say you're lonely 139 00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:51,941 ♪ And cry the long night through 140 00:08:53,101 --> 00:08:57,781 ♪ Well, you can Cry me a river 141 00:08:57,821 --> 00:09:00,981 ♪ Cry me a river... ♪ 142 00:09:01,021 --> 00:09:05,741 Can it, Barbra, please. Don't have time for horsing around, OK? 143 00:09:05,781 --> 00:09:07,661 So, let's go from the top of your big scene. 144 00:09:07,701 --> 00:09:11,701 Now, remember, it's July. It's hot, it's steamy, 145 00:09:11,741 --> 00:09:14,181 so we'll take these clothes off and get into character. 146 00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:17,181 This coat's staying on, kid, unless you want my character 147 00:09:17,221 --> 00:09:19,141 to sue you for hypothermia. 148 00:09:19,981 --> 00:09:23,021 Barbra, clothes off, please. -Thank you. -No. What are you doing? 149 00:09:23,061 --> 00:09:25,141 You'll catch your death! It is his vision. 150 00:09:25,181 --> 00:09:27,821 You gotta commit to his vision. 151 00:09:31,381 --> 00:09:33,621 (PANTING) Which scene we at? 152 00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:38,341 Joan and Barbra's big scene. -The love scene! -Yeah. 153 00:09:39,661 --> 00:09:42,221 Can I stay and watch? BOTH: No, Gregg! 154 00:09:44,181 --> 00:09:46,661 Take your coat with you. This guy! 155 00:09:47,781 --> 00:09:51,861 OK, you ready? And...begin. 156 00:09:54,141 --> 00:09:57,981 -Laura. -Lorna. Lorna, what's up, baby? 157 00:09:58,021 --> 00:10:02,061 I just...feel like this ain't my life, that's all. 158 00:10:02,661 --> 00:10:05,101 Like my real life is out there somewhere, 159 00:10:05,141 --> 00:10:07,181 waiting for me to grab it. 160 00:10:10,581 --> 00:10:12,901 You ain't leaving me, are you? 161 00:10:12,941 --> 00:10:16,981 You know I can go on... You know I can't go on without you. 162 00:10:17,021 --> 00:10:21,221 No, you crazy fool! I just got a lot on my mind, that's all. 163 00:10:21,261 --> 00:10:26,461 What, with the truck stop closing and Mommy getting the mange again. 164 00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:28,181 I love you, you know. 165 00:10:29,581 --> 00:10:31,781 And I love you, too. 166 00:10:31,821 --> 00:10:34,301 (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS) 167 00:10:35,741 --> 00:10:39,461 (MUSIC CUTS OUT) Why'd you stop? I'm waiting. 168 00:10:39,541 --> 00:10:41,941 -For what? -For you to kiss me. 169 00:10:41,981 --> 00:10:45,221 This is where it says in the script -that you kiss me. -Does it? 170 00:10:46,581 --> 00:10:49,861 Oh, so it does. Well, we can do that next time. 171 00:10:49,901 --> 00:10:52,021 This mouth, it's a miracle worker. You'll see. 172 00:10:52,061 --> 00:10:54,061 All right. That's ten, folks. 173 00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:58,581 I love you, you know? 174 00:10:59,181 --> 00:11:02,621 And I love you, too. (SPRAY) 175 00:11:02,661 --> 00:11:04,981 Acting is about trust. Turn around. 176 00:11:05,021 --> 00:11:06,701 Fall. Trust me. 177 00:11:06,741 --> 00:11:10,661 Feel that. Firm. The thing about Shakespeare... 178 00:11:11,261 --> 00:11:14,701 Higher, Gregg. I don't want dusk, for chrissake! 179 00:11:15,301 --> 00:11:18,301 I love you, you know? And I love you, too. 180 00:11:21,741 --> 00:11:24,381 -I'm hypoglycaemic. -Cut! 181 00:11:24,421 --> 00:11:27,341 I love you, you know? I love you, too. 182 00:11:27,381 --> 00:11:29,661 Hey, is this the love scene? BOTH: Gregg! 183 00:11:29,701 --> 00:11:34,421 Come on, you two! I want more from ya. We need to get the transfer. 184 00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:37,701 I love you, you know? And I love you, too. 185 00:11:37,741 --> 00:11:42,301 (ROMANTIC MUSIC) 186 00:11:43,981 --> 00:11:48,701 And cut! I... I can't do it today. I have an extremely dry tongue. 187 00:11:48,741 --> 00:11:52,621 And that's lunch, everyone. (GROANS) OK. (BANGS DESK) 188 00:11:52,661 --> 00:11:55,941 Back here in an hour, folks and we'll take it from the scene 189 00:11:55,981 --> 00:11:58,941 where Gregg's baby nearly boils to death in the pickup truck. OK. 190 00:11:58,981 --> 00:12:02,701 Thanks, everyone. Good work this morning. Barbra. A word, please. 191 00:12:04,741 --> 00:12:06,101 Gregg. 192 00:12:07,181 --> 00:12:10,981 OK. I am worried that you haven't had any time to rehearse the kiss. 193 00:12:11,021 --> 00:12:14,021 Yes. I know. And I know Joan won't, 194 00:12:14,061 --> 00:12:17,501 so I think we should make some time to go over it. Just you and me. 195 00:12:17,541 --> 00:12:19,821 -Yeah? -Really? 196 00:12:20,981 --> 00:12:24,941 It's not a problem, is it, Barbra? I thought when we hired you 197 00:12:24,981 --> 00:12:27,741 you said you would fully commit -to this production. -Of course. 198 00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:31,421 -Yes, no problem. -Let it go. 199 00:12:37,301 --> 00:12:39,381 (HUMS) 200 00:12:39,421 --> 00:12:43,541 ♪ Well, you can cry me a river 201 00:12:44,941 --> 00:12:48,461 ♪ Cry me a river 202 00:12:49,381 --> 00:12:54,021 ♪ I cried a river over you ♪ 203 00:12:54,061 --> 00:12:56,701 You could really make a name for yourself with that voice. 204 00:12:56,741 --> 00:12:59,181 No, thanks. I'm gonna be a serious actress. 205 00:12:59,221 --> 00:13:02,101 Singing's a floozy business.(SNAP) You're in a freezing attic 206 00:13:02,141 --> 00:13:04,621 about to kiss a girl. It's all a floozy business. 207 00:13:04,661 --> 00:13:07,341 You are telling me I should quit my dream 208 00:13:07,381 --> 00:13:10,021 for a weekly blues spot in the boontang? 209 00:13:10,061 --> 00:13:11,341 You'll be in Vegas, baby. 210 00:13:11,381 --> 00:13:15,381 And lord knows, those folks will be grateful in 100 degree heat 211 00:13:15,421 --> 00:13:17,901 for the shade coming off your hooter. 212 00:13:19,581 --> 00:13:20,941 What is with you, sweetheart? 213 00:13:20,981 --> 00:13:23,861 How come you never laugh? Everyone else finds me hilarious. 214 00:13:23,901 --> 00:13:26,421 Maybe everyone else can't see all the sad stuff underneath. 215 00:13:32,381 --> 00:13:35,661 You collect ketchup too, huh? What are you talking about? 216 00:13:35,701 --> 00:13:38,781 Oh, I know a ketchup collector when I see one. 217 00:13:39,781 --> 00:13:42,661 Bet you got all sorts of free stuff in that bag. 218 00:13:45,181 --> 00:13:48,301 OK. I'll show you first seeing as you're not in the sharing mood. 219 00:13:49,581 --> 00:13:51,741 Ketchup. Ranch dressing. 220 00:13:51,781 --> 00:13:54,941 Three kinds of sugar, brown, white and the fake stuff. 221 00:13:58,181 --> 00:14:00,421 I hate to break it to you, kid. You're an amateur. 222 00:14:00,461 --> 00:14:03,341 I got six different types of non-dairy creamer in here. 223 00:14:03,381 --> 00:14:06,301 Mocha mix, cream, Coffee mate. Plus, I got maple syrup 224 00:14:06,341 --> 00:14:09,181 and a packet of squeezy cheese in -the side pocket. -I'll trade you. 225 00:14:09,221 --> 00:14:12,541 I got a fistful of Sweet'n Low and a trial pack of Rice-A-Roni. 226 00:14:15,981 --> 00:14:18,101 Your folks, did they have it and lose it? 227 00:14:19,181 --> 00:14:21,701 Or did you never have it at all? 228 00:14:23,181 --> 00:14:28,501 Right the first time. Had it and lost it. Every goddam cent. 229 00:14:28,541 --> 00:14:33,301 -I'm sorry. -Don't be. I'm thankful. It gets me out of bed every morning. 230 00:14:33,341 --> 00:14:36,901 I'll tell you one thing. I will never be poor again. 231 00:14:38,581 --> 00:14:41,181 My daddy died before I could say his name out loud. 232 00:14:41,981 --> 00:14:46,261 So, that was us done. Complications, the doctor said. 233 00:14:48,581 --> 00:14:50,341 Life sure is full of them. 234 00:14:53,381 --> 00:14:54,781 Let's make a promise. 235 00:14:55,981 --> 00:14:59,301 We're gonna be safe. We're gonna have cash. 236 00:14:59,981 --> 00:15:03,261 And we'll always know where our next goddam meal is coming form. 237 00:15:04,181 --> 00:15:09,061 OK. But until then, I'm eyeing your instant oatmeal and those Tic Tacs. 238 00:15:09,101 --> 00:15:12,221 Oh, you can back right off, babycakes! 239 00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:16,781 Tell me you'll sing. 240 00:15:19,301 --> 00:15:21,741 I want an Oscar. 241 00:15:21,781 --> 00:15:25,981 Great. And you'll have a Grammy, too. 242 00:15:26,021 --> 00:15:28,061 Sing, Barbra. 243 00:15:28,821 --> 00:15:29,821 Deal? 244 00:15:46,061 --> 00:15:48,661 We are gonna do the dress rehearsal in situ. 245 00:15:48,701 --> 00:15:50,421 So, little surprise for you. 246 00:15:50,461 --> 00:15:56,621 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your auditorium!(CHUCKLES) 247 00:15:56,661 --> 00:15:59,781 (TEARING) Thank you, Gregg. 248 00:15:59,821 --> 00:16:01,821 Everyone, come on. Come on in. Yeah, lovely. 249 00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:04,821 OK. So, this place is gonna be absolutely packed out tomorrow 250 00:16:04,861 --> 00:16:06,581 thanks to you, Joan. 251 00:16:06,621 --> 00:16:09,541 OK, right. We are going to take it from the kissing scene. 252 00:16:09,581 --> 00:16:11,621 So, if you guys can go off. 253 00:16:11,661 --> 00:16:14,821 Now, ladies, remember, it's summer by the lake. 254 00:16:14,861 --> 00:16:18,581 It is hot. It is sweaty, so let's take those layers off. 255 00:16:18,621 --> 00:16:22,581 Don't you dare! It's below zero. It's the dress run. 256 00:16:22,621 --> 00:16:24,461 Barbra, getting ready. Thank you. 257 00:16:26,061 --> 00:16:28,021 -Joan? -Jim? 258 00:16:29,861 --> 00:16:33,061 OK. Let's... Let's just do all the action. Let's go. 259 00:16:33,101 --> 00:16:35,981 I'm not doing the kissing today, Jim. My glands are up again. 260 00:16:36,021 --> 00:16:40,341 Fine. I will do the kiss with Barbra as we agreed. 261 00:16:40,381 --> 00:16:44,861 Did you agree to that, Barbra? Jim said it was best. 262 00:16:45,461 --> 00:16:48,421 And what do you think? You're holding everyone up. 263 00:16:48,461 --> 00:16:50,181 Barbra? 264 00:16:52,661 --> 00:16:54,661 -I don't want to. -Well, Jim. 265 00:16:54,701 --> 00:16:56,981 Looks like only one of us is gonna kiss this girl today 266 00:16:57,021 --> 00:16:59,781 and we'll do it when we're good and ready. Guys, let's get started. 267 00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:11,261 -How many? -You asked me that already. 268 00:17:11,301 --> 00:17:15,341 Well now, I am asking you again. -How many? -Same. 269 00:17:15,381 --> 00:17:18,421 -Two.Two?Yeah. -Let me look. 270 00:17:21,581 --> 00:17:25,421 Jesus! It's my parents. I thought the temperature had dropped! 271 00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:28,381 Yeah, well, where are the rest? You promised us packed houses. 272 00:17:28,421 --> 00:17:31,541 It's almost show time. Life is disappointment, Jim. 273 00:17:31,581 --> 00:17:33,941 You'll find that out once you're out of diapers. 274 00:17:33,981 --> 00:17:38,181 (SIGHS) Great! You barely know your lines, Gregg is a halfwit 275 00:17:38,221 --> 00:17:41,621 and we don't even have an audience. We are fucked. Fucked! 276 00:17:43,221 --> 00:17:45,381 And that's your 15-minute call, by the way. 277 00:17:45,421 --> 00:17:48,301 Thanks for the motivational speech, honey. Appreciate it. 278 00:17:48,341 --> 00:17:53,421 Delivery! Fortune cookies. Just what I need. Psychic candy! 279 00:17:53,461 --> 00:17:57,061 Where'd you get these? Family. For luck. 280 00:17:57,101 --> 00:17:59,101 Come on, stop being such a sourpuss. 281 00:18:02,661 --> 00:18:07,141 "Sometimes the first time is the best time." Hm, enigmatic. 282 00:18:08,061 --> 00:18:10,821 "You will be hungry again within one hour." 283 00:18:10,861 --> 00:18:13,381 (CHUCKLES) Did Confucius say that? 284 00:18:16,261 --> 00:18:19,021 Ooh! For a rainy day. 285 00:18:20,061 --> 00:18:22,341 For a rainy day. 286 00:18:29,261 --> 00:18:31,261 How many? 287 00:18:36,181 --> 00:18:39,021 (AUDIENCE CHATTER) Jesus! You seen this? 288 00:18:39,061 --> 00:18:41,301 It's like the Chinese New Year out there! 289 00:18:44,861 --> 00:18:47,261 See? You're not the only one with family. 290 00:18:47,301 --> 00:18:50,861 Your apple fell very far from that tree!(CHUCKLES) 291 00:18:50,901 --> 00:18:53,781 I babysit for them. I work in the restaurant sometimes. 292 00:18:53,821 --> 00:18:56,421 They are family to me. Yeah, well, whatever they are, 293 00:18:56,461 --> 00:18:58,941 they paid full price, thank God! 294 00:18:58,981 --> 00:19:03,861 All right. OK. It's show time. Girls, it's time to get changed. 295 00:19:03,901 --> 00:19:06,341 I keep telling you, shrimp. These layers are staying on 296 00:19:06,381 --> 00:19:09,261 till the last minute. You have to get into character, OK? 297 00:19:09,301 --> 00:19:12,661 Remember, it's July. It's hot, it's sultry, it's sexy. 298 00:19:12,701 --> 00:19:15,181 Barbra, please take off that sweater, for the love of God! 299 00:19:19,661 --> 00:19:21,221 No. 300 00:19:24,061 --> 00:19:26,341 What did you say? 301 00:19:28,261 --> 00:19:31,541 I said, no. Barbra, I'm the director. 302 00:19:33,661 --> 00:19:36,101 And we are the stars. 303 00:19:36,141 --> 00:19:39,501 And we will get changed when we are good and ready, OK? 304 00:19:46,941 --> 00:19:48,741 (EXHALES) 305 00:19:48,781 --> 00:19:51,741 Good for you, girl! You know that egg-salad sandwich 306 00:19:51,781 --> 00:19:55,701 -that I had earlier? -Yeah? Think I'm gonna go throw it up. 307 00:19:56,941 --> 00:20:01,301 My mother, all of a sudden... Talk about your mother... Do you mind! 308 00:20:01,341 --> 00:20:04,541 Don't worry, honey, -we'll get it dry-cleaned. -Ugh! 309 00:20:10,061 --> 00:20:14,421 Well, looks like we're good to go. Our off-Broadway debut! 310 00:20:16,181 --> 00:20:20,261 -Are you OK? -I've been on a bill with Armenian strippers, honey. 311 00:20:20,301 --> 00:20:23,021 Nothing scares me. You are gonna be great. 312 00:20:23,061 --> 00:20:27,661 I know it. Specially now you've actually read the play. 313 00:20:28,661 --> 00:20:30,661 Oh, so you CAN laugh! 314 00:20:30,701 --> 00:20:32,741 To be honest, I only read my bits. 315 00:20:32,781 --> 00:20:35,901 Who gives a shit what happens in -the rest of it! -I want you to know 316 00:20:35,941 --> 00:20:38,261 I'm gonna kiss the hell outta you tonight, Joan Molinsky. 317 00:20:38,301 --> 00:20:41,621 Hm, I didn't fancy it till you hurled up that sandwich. 318 00:20:41,661 --> 00:20:44,861 -Now, I can't wait. -Why? 319 00:20:46,501 --> 00:20:49,501 I wanna know. Why are you so scared? Of what? 320 00:20:49,541 --> 00:20:55,181 Oh, of that! No, don't be -ridiculous. -You never rehearsed it. 321 00:20:55,221 --> 00:20:58,141 You always made an excuse. It's just acting, you know. 322 00:20:58,181 --> 00:21:02,101 Have you ever considered that that thing might be a deadly weapon? 323 00:21:02,141 --> 00:21:04,381 It could take my eye out. I'm merely protecting myself. 324 00:21:04,421 --> 00:21:07,701 -I see you! -You need to wind your -neck in, kid. -You got the chat, 325 00:21:07,741 --> 00:21:11,781 that's for sure. But underneath, you're just as soft as a pup. 326 00:21:12,661 --> 00:21:14,861 Thing is... 327 00:21:16,021 --> 00:21:19,301 I haven't kissed anyone since James. 328 00:21:19,341 --> 00:21:22,221 My husband. My ex-husband. 329 00:21:23,221 --> 00:21:25,661 It's over a year now. 330 00:21:26,501 --> 00:21:28,741 And well, you get out of practice, don't you. 331 00:21:29,661 --> 00:21:31,581 I wouldn't know. 332 00:21:33,461 --> 00:21:35,581 I've not kissed anyone, ever. 333 00:21:35,621 --> 00:21:36,981 You're joking! 334 00:21:37,021 --> 00:21:39,981 Still, they say the first time is the best. 335 00:21:40,021 --> 00:21:43,781 (CHUCKLES) Goddam fortune cookies! Say what you like, they were right. 336 00:21:43,821 --> 00:21:45,461 I do want to eat again. 337 00:21:48,061 --> 00:21:50,821 What do you do when the people who are supposed to love you 338 00:21:50,861 --> 00:21:52,741 think you're a piece of shit? 339 00:21:54,061 --> 00:21:57,141 Do what I did. Find new people. 340 00:21:59,301 --> 00:22:02,061 (CURTAIN SWISHES) OK, girls. (CLAPS) Beginners on stage. 341 00:22:02,101 --> 00:22:03,981 Now, remember. It's hot, it's sexy. 342 00:22:04,021 --> 00:22:06,901 You need to take those cl - BOTH: Fuck off, Jim! 343 00:22:11,341 --> 00:22:12,581 (AUDIENCE CHATTER) 344 00:22:12,621 --> 00:22:14,941 BEATRICE: Oh, my God, it's starting. 345 00:22:22,461 --> 00:22:25,581 WOMAN WITH SOUTHERN DRAWL: Man, there's a hot wind blowin'. 346 00:22:30,461 --> 00:22:34,021 GREGG: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to leave the baby in the truck. 347 00:22:34,061 --> 00:22:36,941 Well, look at his face, Gregg. Will it always be that colour? 348 00:22:36,981 --> 00:22:38,501 I don't know, honey. 349 00:22:38,541 --> 00:22:42,821 MAN: People are like apples, Gregg...(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) 350 00:22:42,861 --> 00:22:44,741 And I will never step out for a smoke 351 00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:47,381 and leave the baby in the back seat in a heatwave again. 352 00:22:47,421 --> 00:22:50,581 I can't stand another minute of this drivel. I gotta get out. 353 00:22:50,621 --> 00:22:54,821 Beatrice, how many times I gotta tell ya, I'm hemmed in by Chinese. 354 00:22:54,861 --> 00:22:58,221 Laura. Uh, no. You been thinking again? 355 00:22:58,261 --> 00:23:00,261 I told you that'll lead to no good. 356 00:23:00,301 --> 00:23:03,581 No, I just... I don't know. 357 00:23:03,621 --> 00:23:07,221 Sometimes I feel like this ain't my life, that's all. 358 00:23:07,261 --> 00:23:11,301 Like, my real life is out there somewhere. 359 00:23:11,341 --> 00:23:15,421 Waiting for me to grab it. You ain't leaving me, are you? 360 00:23:16,661 --> 00:23:20,301 You know I can't go on without ya. No, you crazy fool! 361 00:23:21,661 --> 00:23:23,341 I just got a lot on my mind, that's all, 362 00:23:23,381 --> 00:23:27,381 what with the truck stop closing and Mom getting the mange again. 363 00:23:28,661 --> 00:23:30,341 I love you, you know. 364 00:23:30,381 --> 00:23:33,301 (ROMANTIC MUSIC) 365 00:23:37,861 --> 00:23:39,581 And I love you, too. 366 00:23:40,501 --> 00:23:44,261 (AUDIENCE GASP AND CHATTER) 367 00:23:51,341 --> 00:23:54,981 Are they kissing? Meyer, are they kissing? 368 00:23:55,101 --> 00:23:56,901 Sweet God in heaven! 369 00:23:56,941 --> 00:23:58,541 She's gonna get us all arrested. 370 00:23:58,581 --> 00:24:00,821 Oh, my God, she's gonna get us all arrested. 371 00:24:03,581 --> 00:24:05,981 (APPLAUSE) 372 00:24:21,381 --> 00:24:23,621 ♪ BARBRA STREISAND: Cry Me A River 373 00:24:23,661 --> 00:24:26,181 ♪ Now you say 374 00:24:27,661 --> 00:24:31,621 ♪ You're lonely (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 375 00:24:31,661 --> 00:24:38,101 ♪ You cry the long night through 376 00:24:39,661 --> 00:24:42,821 ♪ Well, you can cry me a river 377 00:24:44,861 --> 00:24:47,461 ♪ Cry me a river 378 00:24:48,461 --> 00:24:52,781 ♪ I cried a river over you ♪ 379 00:25:14,461 --> 00:25:17,461 Subtitles by Sky AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk