The following programme contains strong language.
Can't You Hear Me Knocking
♪ Yeah, you got satin shoes
♪ Yeah, you got plastic boots
♪ Y'all got cocaine eyes
♪ Yeah, you got speed-freak jive
♪ Can't you hear me knockin' on your window? ♪
Hello, Margaret.
Would you care to try that again?
All right, yeah. Your Highness and whatnot.
I know you. You're a singer.
More of an anarchist, really.
The singing's just my route to the downtrodden.
Not many downtrodden in here.
Yeah. I'm sort of parodying the whole scene.
You're doing ever so well.
The newspapers say your marriage isn't doing so great.
Aren't they mean? Terribly so.
But if it's true, may I offer myself up
for, you know, a bit of national service?
Darling, while I admire your ambition,
is the Queen's sister not a little above your station?
I thought you were supposed to be the fun one.
These things are relative.
Then prove it.
Ooh! Oops.
Hello, Margaret.
Hello, Elizabeth.
Forgive me.
Expanding one's mind is not as much fun as one hoped.
Well, you're only just starting.
I'm afraid I shan't be able to see you again.
Why ever not?
Because my sole role in life is to support my sister
and not cause the family any embarrassment.
Which tends to preclude anything
that risks being the slightest bit fun.
Keith, put it down.
There is a place, however,
where one can have as much fun as one wants.
Oh, yeah? Where's that, then?
You came! How industrious of you.
Great vibe. This is Basil.
You all right? Hey, man.
How about a little fortification?
Your Highness, could I trouble you for some payment?
Wonderful, Basil. Wonderful humour.
So, what news from home?
The bloody Beatles have got MBEs.
You can't be jealous, surely. An anarchist like yourself?
God, no. Far from it. I just think it's a shame
that your sister's being duped by all that Northern ballocks.
I'm sure they'll get round to giving you a trinket.
I'd turn it down. No, you wouldn't.
I'd consider turning it down.
Well, I'm sure she'd be on the edge of her broom, darling.
They probably think I'm too dangerous.
Oh, undoubtedly.
And if I may be somewhat forward...
I rather hope that you are.
I suppose you want me to come to the palace for tea?
You'd have to dine below stairs, of course, being a bit of raff.
A bit of raff? I'm from Dartford, we've got a Sainsbury's.
The Sainsburys have moved to Dartford?
Phone call, Your Highness.
Thank you, Basil.
Darling, did you fly out of London Airport?
Yeah. Oh, Christ.
Everybody Needs Somebody To Love
♪ Everybody wants somebody... ♪
"I forbade you." Elizabeth, we have a deal.
I give you ten months of the year to smile and cut bloody ribbons
and as reward I may come here and indulge myself.
"I imagine you've been indulging with some abandon."
Oh, Elizabeth. How very un-regal.
"If you must holiday with a musician,
why not one of those nice Beatle boys?
I like Dingo." Ringo.
"I thought it was Dingo." No.
"He looks like a dingo." He's not called Dingo.
"Well, perhaps he should be." Was there anything else?
"Just promise me you won't stir up the newspapers, Margaret.
You or your friend." I live to serve Your Majesty.
"Well, that's more like it."
♪ Something happened to me yesterday
♪ Something I can't speak of right away
♪ Something happened to me
♪ Something oh so groovy... ♪
Her Majesty. # Something... ♪
I know. "He has to go."
I said I know.
"I'm sorry, Margaret."
Then I'll allow you to make it up to me.
I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would.
I suspect that's the point of incarceration.
I thought it'd be full of plucky salt of the Earth types
but if I'm honest, they were sort of arseholes.
Well, you're out now. How did that happen, then?
I was supposed to do three months.
I'm afraid it was a parting gift, darling.
If you ever need me, love, I'll be there.
Goodbye, Michael.
50 Ways To Leave Your Lover
♪ The problem is all inside your head, she said to me
♪ The answer is easy if you take it logically
♪ I'd like to help you with your struggle to be free
♪ There must be 50 ways to leave your lover... ♪
Phone call, Your Highness.
Have we been overthrown?
They have a photo of you and your latest friend.
They came here?
I think it's time for your companion to exit proceedings.
This is a private island.
"Nothing is private any more."
Of course, I wouldn't have to sneak around
if you'd let me divorce.
Well, you'll have to now. Thank you, Elizabeth. What a treat.
Margaret. Don't you see? Times are changing.
There's no reverence any more and this kind of thing
gives our enemies the ammunition they crave.
Some are saying they wish you to retire from public life.
Oh, really?
And tell me, Elizabeth. How the fuck might one do that?
I don't know.
Well, let me know when you do.
Hello, Margaret.
Thank you so much for coming.
You were there when they went for me.
And it sort of tied in with the tax exile thing.
Oh, cheer me up, darling.
I'm getting divorced. You too? What happened?
Officially, it's on the grounds of adultery
but in reality, Bianca can't separate the actions of Mick Jagger the man
and Mick Jagger the character.
Oh, I have missed you, Michael.
Well, I'm here now.
Basil, could you bring Michael the key for Stargroves?
Of course, Your Highness. It's for sale, if you're interested.
Your little friend still around?
No. Scuttled off.
Right. So...?
Michael, I don't have a great many friends
and I should like to keep you as one this time.
I think this is the most likely way to do that, don't you?
Yeah, all right.
I suppose it's the last taboo, really, isn't it?
Not having sex. Maybe that could be my new thing.
I don't think that's the route
you'd truly like to traverse, is it, Michael?
-No. -No.
Fuck that! Quite.
I'll see you back at the house.
So, what do you think of Jerry?
I do like Americans.
They have such a puppy-ish quality.
She's engaged to Bryan Ferry.
That would appear to offer certain complications.
She's breaking it off when we get back.
To be honest, I feel sorry for Bryan but...what can you do?
Other people's lives.
I'm so glad you bought the house.
Worth every penny to see you, love.
And they've got that whole Caribbean manana, manana approach to tax.
Oh, they're wonderful people, Michael.
They have clung me to their bosom and I shall never forget it.
Not now, Basil.
So? Come on, how was the wedding?
It was surprisingly affecting.
Diana looked very beautiful
and Charles managed to get her name right.
Elton wasn't invited, was he? No.
Thank Christ.
You know, Margaret, you seem dangerously close to being happy.
Oh, Michael. I am liberated.
The press don't care about me any more.
They have a younger, prettier princess to pretend to worry about.
It really is the most wonderful thing,
to feel that one's life is one's own.
So what are you gonna do with it?
I have absolutely no idea.
Well, I'm very much looking forward to meeting her.
Meeting whom?
Oh, didn't they tell you?
Diana wants to meet the nation's cultural figures.
I've heard she has a lot of ideas.
They've booked me in. Lunch at the palace.
The first step to Sir Mick.
I remember when you were an anarchist.
Still am, love, still am.
I'm subverting the system from the inside.
How clever.
Tell me. Did the invite come through the palace or her office?
Why does it matter?
Because, darling...
the palace retains final approval over diaries.
Margaret. She's a princess.
If she wants to feast her little eyes over old Mick,
they can't exactly stop her.
Oh, Michael.
It was bloody cancelled. No, it wasn't.
"You what?" Diana threw a tantrum.
She wanted to meet a pop star
so, well, they had to let her meet a pop star.
Who? "Must you ask, darling?"
If you say Elton, I'll hang myself.
Philip Collins. Jesus Christ!
Apparently, he was very pleasant.
Oh, I bet he was. I bet Collins bloody lapped it up,
eating cucumber sandwiches with his little sausage fingers.
I heard he was a fitting substitute.
What, for me? Phil Collins? For me?
Who might you have rathered? What, than Collins?
I don't know, Roland Rat?
Keith, get down right now.
I've got to go, love.
Happy now?
Yeah, you have. Just a tickle. Here.
One has not the slightest clue to what you refer.
There's no shame in it.
Look at McCartney, he looks bloody haunted.
Or Elton, with that doormat nailed onto his head.
Now that I'm the forgotten princess, I find I can do all sorts of things.
Do you know I holidayed with a male companion in Italy?
We held hands, toured the palaces.
We kissed in a bloody piazza.
You deviant! I know!
Well, if your new bloke doesn't mind,
I'd like you to be my date at the palace.
I've got a new plan. Tony Blair.
Oh. The fox lover.
Don't knock him. He had me round his house.
Made me watch him play guitar. Fuck me, that was a long night.
But it was worth it. He's putting me up for a knighthood.
Oh, Michael. He promised.
Well, he was decidedly foolish to do that.
♪ No, you can't always get what you want
♪ You can't always get what you want... ♪
The Honours this month. Thank you, Harold.
♪ You can't always get what you want
♪ But if you try some time... ♪
Oh, dear. # You get what you need... ♪
Oh, for... Who's next? Chas
Must you care so much, darling?
Must you still be the boy from Dartford asking to be let in?
It's nothing to do with that. It's the principle of the thing.
I see. I've done some things, Margaret.
I've done things that you wouldn't believe but Elton?
My God, he's been there, you know? He's been there.
Perhaps if you engaged in more charitable pursuits...
I do charity. I did bloody Live Aid for Bob and, you know, the Africans.
You don't do charity like Elton. Oh, what, his black and white ball?
That's just an excuse for Elton to stick the sequins on
and whip out his... Not all of it, Keith. Not all of it!
We'll soon be back out there, Michael.
Celebrating another year of freedom for me
and another year as a commoner for you.
A big old party at Basil's.
How does that sound?
Diana's death changes everything.
The business with the flag.
The criticism of the Queen.
They'd finally found a Royal they could love
and they blame us for losing her.
It was a lovely funeral.
And to be fair, Elton did OK.
A little bit karaoke but he's always had a bit of the Dog and Duck in him.
They're coming after me again. Did you notice?
"Princess Margaret, who attended the funeral alone."
That is the sound of claws sharpening.
And a new angle.
Not the love-struck princess, nor the predatory harlot...
but the tragical woman left on the shelf.
You give them too much power, Margaret. You always have.
Well...they won't have much longer to torment me.
They've popped one of my lungs out, darling.
Why didn't you say anything?
Why? Did you want it?
Illness is bad for the brand, Michael.
But between us, I fear I'm not long for this world.
Nah. Not with your breeding.
Generations have spent their lives sat at home doing fuck all
to look after those genes of yours.
Not now, Basil.
I'm staying here.
"Margaret, the Royal physician
says you are to come home immediately."
They just need a little lotion.
"A little lotion? Margaret, you'll need skin grafts."
I'm staying here.
"Why do you have to be so bloody difficult?"
Because for 40 years this is the only place
where I've enjoyed the slightest sense of freedom.
And I know that if I leave now, I shall never return.
"Oh, Margaret."
I'm sorry, Elizabeth.
Another embarrassment for you to worry about.
"Margaret, my only worry is that you're injured
and well, there's no alternative way to phrase this but I love you.
I know that's not a sentiment we bandy about and quite right too
but I do and you're just going to have to accept it."
I live to serve Your Majesty.
"And you do it better than anyone."
May I have one more day? I have a friend on his way.
Cheer me up, darling.
I'm getting divorced. Oh, for Christ's sake.
I'll be honest, love. It's a real slap in the face.
Right before the baby's born as well. Jerry's pregnant?
She's not, no. Which is, apparently, a whole big drama.
You know, Michael, I've had the best days of my life on this island.
I mean, just look at Basil.
For 40 years he has opened his doors and invited us into his home.
-My home? -I only wish we could repay the hospitality.
Ma'am, your plane is ready.
One more minute, please.
You know, Michael, when I was born,
the nation had prayed for a prince.
I entered the world as a disappointment
and that is how I shall exit.
At least I was consistent.
With respect, Your Highness...
that's a load of old bollocks.
Well, what was my life, then?
I fell in love with the wrong men.
I drank, I smoked.
I was berated, ridiculed and pitied.
What would you call that, Michael, if not disappointment?
I call it rock and roll.
You know, they'll give you your trinket after I go.
Once the press can't make the connection.
I'll turn it down.
No, you won't.
Goodbye, Michael.
Goodbye, Margaret.
Not now, Basil.
Waiting On A Friend
♪ I'm not waiting on a lady
♪ I'm just waiting on a friend
♪ Mmm, a smile relieves a heart that grieves
♪ Remember what I said
♪ I'm not waiting on a lady
♪ I'm just waiting on a friend
♪ I'm just waiting on a friend... ♪
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