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The following programme contains
strong language.

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Can't You Hear Me Knocking

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♪ Yeah, you got satin shoes

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♪ Yeah, you got plastic boots

5
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♪ Y'all got cocaine eyes

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♪ Yeah, you got speed-freak jive

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♪ Can't you hear me knockin'
on your window? ♪

8
00:01:01,741 --> 00:01:04,741
Hello, Margaret.

9
00:01:06,621 --> 00:01:09,541
Would you care to try that again?

10
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All right, yeah.
Your Highness and whatnot.

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I know you. You're a singer.

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00:01:16,381 --> 00:01:18,381
More of an anarchist, really.

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The singing's just my route
to the downtrodden.

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Not many downtrodden in here.

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Yeah. I'm sort of parodying
the whole scene.

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You're doing ever so well.

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The newspapers say your marriage
isn't doing so great.

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Aren't they mean?
Terribly so.

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But if it's true,
may I offer myself up

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for, you know,
a bit of national service?

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Darling, while I admire
your ambition,

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is the Queen's sister
not a little above your station?

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I thought you were supposed to be
the fun one.

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These things are relative.

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Then prove it.

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Ooh! Oops.

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Hello, Margaret.

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Hello, Elizabeth.

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Forgive me.

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Expanding one's mind
is not as much fun as one hoped.

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Well, you're only just starting.

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I'm afraid I shan't be able
to see you again.

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Why ever not?

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Because my sole role in life
is to support my sister

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and not cause the family
any embarrassment.

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Which tends to preclude anything

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that risks being
the slightest bit fun.

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Keith, put it down.

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There is a place, however,

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where one can have
as much fun as one wants.

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Oh, yeah? Where's that, then?

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You came! How industrious of you.

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Great vibe.
This is Basil.

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You all right?
Hey, man.

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How about a little fortification?

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Your Highness, could I trouble you
for some payment?

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Wonderful, Basil. Wonderful humour.

48
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So, what news from home?

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The bloody Beatles have got MBEs.

50
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You can't be jealous, surely.
An anarchist like yourself?

51
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God, no. Far from it.
I just think it's a shame

52
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that your sister's being duped
by all that Northern ballocks.

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I'm sure they'll get round
to giving you a trinket.

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I'd turn it down.
No, you wouldn't.

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I'd consider turning it down.

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Well, I'm sure she'd be on the edge
of her broom, darling.

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They probably think
I'm too dangerous.

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Oh, undoubtedly.

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And if I may be somewhat forward...

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I rather hope that you are.

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I suppose you want me
to come to the palace for tea?

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You'd have to dine below stairs,
of course, being a bit of raff.

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A bit of raff? I'm from Dartford,
we've got a Sainsbury's.

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The Sainsburys
have moved to Dartford?

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Phone call, Your Highness.

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Thank you, Basil.

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Darling, did you fly
out of London Airport?

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Yeah.
Oh, Christ.

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00:05:03,901 --> 00:05:06,781
Everybody Needs Somebody To Love

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♪ Everybody wants somebody... ♪

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"I forbade you."
Elizabeth, we have a deal.

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I give you ten months of the year
to smile and cut bloody ribbons

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and as reward I may come here
and indulge myself.

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"I imagine you've been indulging
with some abandon."

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Oh, Elizabeth. How very un-regal.

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"If you must holiday
with a musician,

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why not one
of those nice Beatle boys?

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I like Dingo."
Ringo.

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"I thought it was Dingo."
No.

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"He looks like a dingo."
He's not called Dingo.

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"Well, perhaps he should be."
Was there anything else?

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"Just promise me you won't stir up
the newspapers, Margaret.

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You or your friend."
I live to serve Your Majesty.

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"Well, that's more like it."

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♪ Something happened to me yesterday

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♪ Something I can't speak of
right away

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♪ Something happened to me

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♪ Something oh so groovy... ♪

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Her Majesty.
# Something... ♪

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I know.
"He has to go."

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I said I know.

92
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"I'm sorry, Margaret."

93
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Then I'll allow you
to make it up to me.

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I didn't enjoy it
as much as I thought I would.

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I suspect that's
the point of incarceration.

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I thought it'd be full
of plucky salt of the Earth types

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but if I'm honest,
they were sort of arseholes.

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Well, you're out now.
How did that happen, then?

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I was supposed to do three months.

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I'm afraid it was a parting gift,
darling.

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If you ever need me, love,
I'll be there.

102
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Goodbye, Michael.

103
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50 Ways To Leave Your Lover

104
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♪ The problem is all inside
your head, she said to me

105
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♪ The answer is easy
if you take it logically

106
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♪ I'd like to help you
with your struggle to be free

107
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♪ There must be
50 ways to leave your lover... ♪

108
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Phone call, Your Highness.

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Have we been overthrown?

110
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They have a photo of you
and your latest friend.

111
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They came here?

112
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I think it's time for your companion
to exit proceedings.

113
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This is a private island.

114
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"Nothing is private any more."

115
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Of course, I wouldn't have to
sneak around

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if you'd let me divorce.

117
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Well, you'll have to now.
Thank you, Elizabeth. What a treat.

118
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Margaret. Don't you see?
Times are changing.

119
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There's no reverence any more
and this kind of thing

120
00:08:05,781 --> 00:08:08,301
gives our enemies the ammunition
they crave.

121
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Some are saying they wish you
to retire from public life.

122
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Oh, really?

123
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And tell me, Elizabeth.
How the fuck might one do that?

124
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I don't know.

125
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Well, let me know when you do.

126
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Hello, Margaret.

127
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Thank you so much for coming.

128
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You were there when they went for me.

129
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And it sort of tied in
with the tax exile thing.

130
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Oh, cheer me up, darling.

131
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I'm getting divorced.
You too? What happened?

132
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Officially, it's on the grounds
of adultery

133
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:04,621
but in reality, Bianca can't separate
the actions of Mick Jagger the man

134
00:09:04,661 --> 00:09:06,981
and Mick Jagger the character.

135
00:09:07,021 --> 00:09:09,501
Oh, I have missed you, Michael.

136
00:09:09,541 --> 00:09:12,701
Well, I'm here now.

137
00:09:15,061 --> 00:09:18,781
Basil, could you bring Michael
the key for Stargroves?

138
00:09:18,821 --> 00:09:23,421
Of course, Your Highness.
It's for sale, if you're interested.

139
00:09:23,461 --> 00:09:25,461
Your little friend still around?

140
00:09:25,501 --> 00:09:27,981
No. Scuttled off.

141
00:09:28,021 --> 00:09:30,581
Right. So...?

142
00:09:30,621 --> 00:09:34,021
Michael, I don't have
a great many friends

143
00:09:34,061 --> 00:09:36,621
and I should like
to keep you as one this time.

144
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I think this is the most likely
way to do that, don't you?

145
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Yeah, all right.

146
00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:52,021
I suppose it's the last taboo,
really, isn't it?

147
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Not having sex.
Maybe that could be my new thing.

148
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I don't think that's the route

149
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you'd truly like to traverse,
is it, Michael?

150
00:10:04,141 --> 00:10:07,541
-No.
-No.

151
00:10:07,581 --> 00:10:09,581
Fuck that!
Quite.

152
00:10:26,661 --> 00:10:28,661
I'll see you back at the house.

153
00:10:29,661 --> 00:10:32,541
So, what do you think of Jerry?

154
00:10:34,621 --> 00:10:37,461
I do like Americans.

155
00:10:37,501 --> 00:10:39,741
They have such a puppy-ish quality.

156
00:10:39,781 --> 00:10:41,781
She's engaged to Bryan Ferry.

157
00:10:41,821 --> 00:10:45,581
That would appear
to offer certain complications.

158
00:10:45,621 --> 00:10:47,741
She's breaking it off
when we get back.

159
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:51,701
To be honest, I feel sorry
for Bryan but...what can you do?

160
00:10:51,741 --> 00:10:53,901
Other people's lives.

161
00:10:53,941 --> 00:10:56,861
I'm so glad you bought the house.

162
00:10:56,901 --> 00:10:59,141
Worth every penny to see you, love.

163
00:10:59,181 --> 00:11:03,781
And they've got that whole Caribbean
manana, manana approach to tax.

164
00:11:03,821 --> 00:11:06,541
Oh, they're wonderful people,
Michael.

165
00:11:06,581 --> 00:11:11,141
They have clung me to their bosom
and I shall never forget it.

166
00:11:11,181 --> 00:11:13,181
Not now, Basil.

167
00:11:13,221 --> 00:11:16,101
So? Come on, how was the wedding?

168
00:11:16,141 --> 00:11:18,901
It was surprisingly affecting.

169
00:11:18,941 --> 00:11:21,341
Diana looked very beautiful

170
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:23,741
and Charles managed
to get her name right.

171
00:11:23,781 --> 00:11:26,301
Elton wasn't invited, was he?
No.

172
00:11:26,341 --> 00:11:28,981
Thank Christ.

173
00:11:30,821 --> 00:11:34,141
You know, Margaret, you seem
dangerously close to being happy.

174
00:11:34,181 --> 00:11:37,741
Oh, Michael. I am liberated.

175
00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:39,901
The press don't care about me
any more.

176
00:11:39,941 --> 00:11:44,141
They have a younger, prettier
princess to pretend to worry about.

177
00:11:44,181 --> 00:11:46,821
It really is
the most wonderful thing,

178
00:11:46,861 --> 00:11:49,261
to feel that one's life
is one's own.

179
00:11:49,301 --> 00:11:51,301
So what are you gonna do with it?

180
00:11:51,341 --> 00:11:54,181
I have absolutely no idea.

181
00:11:54,221 --> 00:11:57,181
Well, I'm very much looking forward
to meeting her.

182
00:11:57,221 --> 00:11:59,221
Meeting whom?

183
00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:01,261
Oh, didn't they tell you?

184
00:12:01,301 --> 00:12:04,221
Diana wants to meet
the nation's cultural figures.

185
00:12:04,261 --> 00:12:07,581
I've heard she has a lot of ideas.

186
00:12:07,621 --> 00:12:09,941
They've booked me in.
Lunch at the palace.

187
00:12:09,981 --> 00:12:12,501
The first step to Sir Mick.

188
00:12:12,541 --> 00:12:15,381
I remember when
you were an anarchist.

189
00:12:15,421 --> 00:12:17,501
Still am, love, still am.

190
00:12:17,541 --> 00:12:19,941
I'm subverting the system
from the inside.

191
00:12:19,981 --> 00:12:21,981
How clever.

192
00:12:22,021 --> 00:12:27,781
Tell me. Did the invite come through
the palace or her office?

193
00:12:27,821 --> 00:12:29,821
Why does it matter?

194
00:12:29,861 --> 00:12:32,061
Because, darling...

195
00:12:32,101 --> 00:12:36,141
the palace retains final approval
over diaries.

196
00:12:37,301 --> 00:12:40,661
Margaret. She's a princess.

197
00:12:40,701 --> 00:12:43,461
If she wants to feast her little eyes
over old Mick,

198
00:12:43,501 --> 00:12:45,501
they can't exactly stop her.

199
00:12:45,541 --> 00:12:47,541
Oh, Michael.

200
00:12:49,301 --> 00:12:52,501
It was bloody cancelled.
No, it wasn't.

201
00:12:52,541 --> 00:12:55,301
"You what?"
Diana threw a tantrum.

202
00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:57,501
She wanted to meet a pop star

203
00:12:57,541 --> 00:13:01,341
so, well, they had to let her
meet a pop star.

204
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:03,621
Who?
"Must you ask, darling?"

205
00:13:03,661 --> 00:13:05,981
If you say Elton, I'll hang myself.

206
00:13:06,021 --> 00:13:09,421
Philip Collins.
Jesus Christ!

207
00:13:09,461 --> 00:13:12,381
Apparently, he was very pleasant.

208
00:13:12,421 --> 00:13:14,861
Oh, I bet he was.
I bet Collins bloody lapped it up,

209
00:13:14,901 --> 00:13:18,101
eating cucumber sandwiches
with his little sausage fingers.

210
00:13:18,141 --> 00:13:20,741
I heard he was a fitting substitute.

211
00:13:20,781 --> 00:13:23,021
What, for me? Phil Collins? For me?

212
00:13:23,061 --> 00:13:25,941
Who might you have rathered?
What, than Collins?

213
00:13:25,981 --> 00:13:28,301
I don't know, Roland Rat?

214
00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:31,461
Keith, get down right now.

215
00:13:31,501 --> 00:13:33,501
I've got to go, love.

216
00:13:40,701 --> 00:13:42,701
Happy now?

217
00:13:45,341 --> 00:13:48,861
Yeah, you have. Just a tickle. Here.

218
00:13:48,901 --> 00:13:52,421
One has not the slightest clue
to what you refer.

219
00:13:52,461 --> 00:13:54,461
There's no shame in it.

220
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:57,181
Look at McCartney,
he looks bloody haunted.

221
00:13:57,221 --> 00:13:59,821
Or Elton, with that doormat
nailed onto his head.

222
00:13:59,861 --> 00:14:04,501
Now that I'm the forgotten princess,
I find I can do all sorts of things.

223
00:14:04,541 --> 00:14:08,021
Do you know I holidayed
with a male companion in Italy?

224
00:14:08,061 --> 00:14:11,061
We held hands, toured the palaces.

225
00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:13,381
We kissed in a bloody piazza.

226
00:14:13,421 --> 00:14:15,901
You deviant!
I know!

227
00:14:15,941 --> 00:14:18,741
Well, if your new bloke doesn't mind,

228
00:14:18,781 --> 00:14:21,141
I'd like you to be my date
at the palace.

229
00:14:21,181 --> 00:14:24,061
I've got a new plan. Tony Blair.

230
00:14:24,101 --> 00:14:26,661
Oh. The fox lover.

231
00:14:26,701 --> 00:14:30,021
Don't knock him.
He had me round his house.

232
00:14:30,061 --> 00:14:33,381
Made me watch him play guitar.
Fuck me, that was a long night.

233
00:14:33,421 --> 00:14:36,741
But it was worth it.
He's putting me up for a knighthood.

234
00:14:36,781 --> 00:14:40,261
Oh, Michael.
He promised.

235
00:14:40,301 --> 00:14:45,301
Well, he was decidedly foolish
to do that.

236
00:14:45,341 --> 00:14:51,341
♪ No, you can't always get
what you want

237
00:14:51,381 --> 00:14:56,781
♪ You can't always get
what you want... ♪

238
00:14:56,821 --> 00:15:00,101
The Honours this month.
Thank you, Harold.

239
00:15:00,141 --> 00:15:02,621
♪ You can't always get what you want

240
00:15:02,661 --> 00:15:06,341
♪ But if you try some time... ♪

241
00:15:06,381 --> 00:15:10,941
Oh, dear.
# You get what you need... ♪

242
00:15:10,981 --> 00:15:14,341
Oh, for...
Who's next? Chas

243
00:15:14,381 --> 00:15:16,861
Must you care so much, darling?

244
00:15:16,901 --> 00:15:20,581
Must you still be the boy
from Dartford asking to be let in?

245
00:15:20,621 --> 00:15:23,941
It's nothing to do with that.
It's the principle of the thing.

246
00:15:23,981 --> 00:15:26,021
I see.
I've done some things, Margaret.

247
00:15:26,061 --> 00:15:28,701
I've done things that
you wouldn't believe but Elton?

248
00:15:28,741 --> 00:15:31,701
My God, he's been there, you know?
He's been there.

249
00:15:31,741 --> 00:15:34,901
Perhaps if you engaged
in more charitable pursuits...

250
00:15:34,941 --> 00:15:39,741
I do charity. I did bloody Live Aid
for Bob and, you know, the Africans.

251
00:15:39,781 --> 00:15:43,741
You don't do charity like Elton.
Oh, what, his black and white ball?

252
00:15:43,781 --> 00:15:46,701
That's just an excuse for Elton
to stick the sequins on

253
00:15:46,741 --> 00:15:49,741
and whip out his...
Not all of it, Keith. Not all of it!

254
00:15:49,781 --> 00:15:52,461
We'll soon be back out there,
Michael.

255
00:15:52,501 --> 00:15:55,301
Celebrating another year of freedom
for me

256
00:15:55,341 --> 00:15:57,581
and another year
as a commoner for you.

257
00:15:57,621 --> 00:16:00,301
A big old party at Basil's.

258
00:16:00,341 --> 00:16:02,341
How does that sound?

259
00:16:05,861 --> 00:16:08,741
Diana's death changes everything.

260
00:16:09,781 --> 00:16:11,941
The business with the flag.

261
00:16:11,981 --> 00:16:14,181
The criticism of the Queen.

262
00:16:14,221 --> 00:16:17,141
They'd finally found a Royal
they could love

263
00:16:17,181 --> 00:16:19,501
and they blame us for losing her.

264
00:16:21,061 --> 00:16:23,341
It was a lovely funeral.

265
00:16:23,381 --> 00:16:26,861
And to be fair, Elton did OK.

266
00:16:27,781 --> 00:16:31,461
A little bit karaoke but he's always
had a bit of the Dog and Duck in him.

267
00:16:31,501 --> 00:16:35,021
They're coming after me again.
Did you notice?

268
00:16:36,181 --> 00:16:39,501
"Princess Margaret,
who attended the funeral alone."

269
00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:43,061
That is the sound
of claws sharpening.

270
00:16:43,101 --> 00:16:45,101
And a new angle.

271
00:16:45,141 --> 00:16:49,141
Not the love-struck princess,
nor the predatory harlot...

272
00:16:49,181 --> 00:16:52,941
but the tragical woman
left on the shelf.

273
00:16:52,981 --> 00:16:57,261
You give them too much power,
Margaret. You always have.

274
00:16:57,301 --> 00:17:01,941
Well...they won't have much longer
to torment me.

275
00:17:02,981 --> 00:17:05,541
They've popped one of my lungs out,
darling.

276
00:17:06,661 --> 00:17:08,661
Why didn't you say anything?

277
00:17:08,701 --> 00:17:11,261
Why? Did you want it?

278
00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:16,181
Illness is bad for the brand,
Michael.

279
00:17:17,421 --> 00:17:22,821
But between us, I fear
I'm not long for this world.

280
00:17:24,741 --> 00:17:28,301
Nah. Not with your breeding.

281
00:17:28,341 --> 00:17:31,661
Generations have spent their lives
sat at home doing fuck all

282
00:17:31,701 --> 00:17:33,701
to look after those genes of yours.

283
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:36,821
Not now, Basil.

284
00:17:55,501 --> 00:17:57,501
I'm staying here.

285
00:17:57,541 --> 00:17:59,621
"Margaret, the Royal physician

286
00:17:59,661 --> 00:18:01,701
says you are to come home
immediately."

287
00:18:01,741 --> 00:18:03,741
They just need a little lotion.

288
00:18:03,781 --> 00:18:06,981
"A little lotion? Margaret,
you'll need skin grafts."

289
00:18:07,021 --> 00:18:09,021
I'm staying here.

290
00:18:09,061 --> 00:18:11,461
"Why do you have to be
so bloody difficult?"

291
00:18:11,501 --> 00:18:14,381
Because for 40 years
this is the only place

292
00:18:14,421 --> 00:18:17,341
where I've enjoyed
the slightest sense of freedom.

293
00:18:17,381 --> 00:18:22,141
And I know that if I leave now,
I shall never return.

294
00:18:22,181 --> 00:18:24,181
"Oh, Margaret."

295
00:18:25,421 --> 00:18:27,421
I'm sorry, Elizabeth.

296
00:18:27,461 --> 00:18:30,621
Another embarrassment
for you to worry about.

297
00:18:30,661 --> 00:18:33,341
"Margaret, my only worry
is that you're injured

298
00:18:33,381 --> 00:18:38,141
and well, there's no alternative way
to phrase this but I love you.

299
00:18:38,181 --> 00:18:41,621
I know that's not a sentiment
we bandy about and quite right too

300
00:18:41,661 --> 00:18:45,141
but I do and you're just going to
have to accept it."

301
00:18:45,181 --> 00:18:47,861
I live to serve Your Majesty.

302
00:18:47,901 --> 00:18:50,381
"And you do it better than anyone."

303
00:18:52,021 --> 00:18:56,461
May I have one more day?
I have a friend on his way.

304
00:19:04,821 --> 00:19:07,061
Cheer me up, darling.

305
00:19:08,101 --> 00:19:11,341
I'm getting divorced.
Oh, for Christ's sake.

306
00:19:11,381 --> 00:19:13,821
I'll be honest, love.
It's a real slap in the face.

307
00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:16,821
Right before the baby's born as well.
Jerry's pregnant?

308
00:19:16,861 --> 00:19:20,541
She's not, no. Which is, apparently,
a whole big drama.

309
00:19:23,181 --> 00:19:27,661
You know, Michael, I've had the best
days of my life on this island.

310
00:19:28,941 --> 00:19:30,941
I mean, just look at Basil.

311
00:19:30,981 --> 00:19:35,941
For 40 years he has opened his doors
and invited us into his home.

312
00:19:35,981 --> 00:19:40,141
-My home?
-I only wish
we could repay the hospitality.

313
00:19:43,301 --> 00:19:45,301
Ma'am, your plane is ready.

314
00:19:45,341 --> 00:19:47,341
One more minute, please.

315
00:19:52,901 --> 00:19:55,901
You know, Michael, when I was born,

316
00:19:55,941 --> 00:19:58,541
the nation had prayed for a prince.

317
00:19:59,501 --> 00:20:02,061
I entered the world
as a disappointment

318
00:20:02,101 --> 00:20:04,101
and that is how I shall exit.

319
00:20:05,101 --> 00:20:07,261
At least I was consistent.

320
00:20:07,301 --> 00:20:09,301
With respect, Your Highness...

321
00:20:09,341 --> 00:20:11,701
that's a load of old bollocks.

322
00:20:13,301 --> 00:20:15,301
Well, what was my life, then?

323
00:20:16,621 --> 00:20:18,941
I fell in love with the wrong men.

324
00:20:18,981 --> 00:20:21,781
I drank, I smoked.

325
00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:25,621
I was berated, ridiculed and pitied.

326
00:20:27,741 --> 00:20:31,461
What would you call that, Michael,
if not disappointment?

327
00:20:32,661 --> 00:20:34,701
I call it rock and roll.

328
00:20:38,941 --> 00:20:43,301
You know, they'll give you
your trinket after I go.

329
00:20:43,341 --> 00:20:46,061
Once the press
can't make the connection.

330
00:20:46,101 --> 00:20:48,101
I'll turn it down.

331
00:20:48,141 --> 00:20:50,141
No, you won't.

332
00:20:54,661 --> 00:20:56,981
Goodbye, Michael.

333
00:20:57,021 --> 00:20:59,021
Goodbye, Margaret.

334
00:21:18,301 --> 00:21:20,301
Not now, Basil.

335
00:21:20,341 --> 00:21:22,581
Waiting On A Friend

336
00:21:24,461 --> 00:21:29,861
♪ I'm not waiting on a lady

337
00:21:32,461 --> 00:21:37,701
♪ I'm just waiting on a friend

338
00:21:39,821 --> 00:21:44,661
♪ Mmm, a smile relieves a heart
that grieves

339
00:21:44,701 --> 00:21:47,981
♪ Remember what I said

340
00:21:48,981 --> 00:21:54,661
♪ I'm not waiting on a lady

341
00:21:57,301 --> 00:22:06,381
♪ I'm just waiting on a friend

342
00:22:07,301 --> 00:22:10,701
♪ I'm just waiting on a friend

343
00:22:10,741 --> 00:22:15,261
♪ I'm just waiting on a friend... ♪

344
00:22:15,301 --> 00:22:19,021
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