1 00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:30,541 You bitch! This is war. 2 00:00:30,581 --> 00:00:33,661 And they say the history books are only written by the winners. 3 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:36,301 So, it looks like I'll need to buy myself a new pen. 4 00:00:39,261 --> 00:00:41,541 Oh, I know when to stop all right. 5 00:00:41,581 --> 00:00:43,821 Just after I've heard the thump, thump, thump 6 00:00:43,861 --> 00:00:46,341 of me driving over something thick and empty. 7 00:00:47,701 --> 00:00:49,701 Like your head. 8 00:00:51,141 --> 00:00:53,461 You thought I was playing a game? 9 00:00:53,501 --> 00:00:55,821 Sweetheart, you'll know when I'm playing games, 10 00:00:55,861 --> 00:00:59,021 because I'll be holding a cricket bat and looking for a couple of balls. 11 00:01:05,581 --> 00:01:07,701 (SCREAMING, THUDDING) 12 00:01:10,061 --> 00:01:11,661 Cut!(BUZZER) 13 00:01:11,701 --> 00:01:13,741 And that's a wrap on Miss Joan Collins 14 00:01:13,781 --> 00:01:15,861 and that's a wrap on Dynasty! 15 00:01:15,901 --> 00:01:17,901 (APPLAUSE) 16 00:01:21,701 --> 00:01:23,941 Thank you, everyone! 17 00:01:23,981 --> 00:01:26,101 This show would not be the success it is 18 00:01:26,141 --> 00:01:28,261 without all the work you've done. 19 00:01:28,301 --> 00:01:33,021 I know for many of you, this may be the end of the story, but for me, 20 00:01:33,061 --> 00:01:35,661 it's merely the end of a chapter. 21 00:01:35,701 --> 00:01:38,021 And a new chapter is just beginning. 22 00:01:38,061 --> 00:01:39,541 Farewell. 23 00:01:39,581 --> 00:01:42,701 Beautiful speech, Miss Collins. -Very moving! -Thank you, Steven. 24 00:01:42,741 --> 00:01:45,661 Simon. It's been an honour to work with you these last few years. 25 00:01:45,701 --> 00:01:47,941 I can imagine. Where will we see you next? 26 00:01:47,981 --> 00:01:51,541 At the top of the best-seller list. I'm writing another novel. 27 00:01:51,581 --> 00:01:53,901 Oh, following in the footsteps of your sister? 28 00:01:53,941 --> 00:01:56,501 It's impossible for me to follow in Jackie's footsteps, 29 00:01:56,541 --> 00:01:59,461 because believe it or not, I'm the older sister. 30 00:01:59,501 --> 00:02:02,181 What's the book going to be about? I can't tell you the plot 31 00:02:02,221 --> 00:02:04,221 or I'd have to kill you! (CHUCKLES) 32 00:02:04,261 --> 00:02:09,581 But it's going to be an epic story of glamour, sex, passion, betrayal, 33 00:02:09,621 --> 00:02:13,381 -and sex. -That's a lot of sex! There'll be oodles of it. 34 00:02:13,421 --> 00:02:16,101 I'm sure it'll create quite a scandal! (LAUGHS) 35 00:02:16,141 --> 00:02:18,141 Goodbye, Steven. 36 00:02:23,301 --> 00:02:25,541 (CAR HORNS BLARE) 37 00:02:27,261 --> 00:02:29,301 (THEY MUMBLE) 38 00:02:32,221 --> 00:02:35,461 Miss Collins. What an honour! 39 00:02:37,741 --> 00:02:40,221 Alberto Vitale, CEO here at Random House. 40 00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:42,981 But I gotta be honest, my main job is actually being 41 00:02:43,021 --> 00:02:46,021 Joan Collins's No.1 fan. Look, I don't have long. 42 00:02:46,061 --> 00:02:49,981 I'm brunching with Roger Moore, and you don't keep James Bond waiting. 43 00:02:50,021 --> 00:02:52,741 The only reason I'm here is my agent Swifty 44 00:02:52,781 --> 00:02:56,301 said I should take this meeting. You've got five minutes. 45 00:02:57,301 --> 00:03:00,421 So, here at Random House, we have absolutely 46 00:03:00,461 --> 00:03:03,061 the best people for you to work with.4.5 minutes. 47 00:03:03,101 --> 00:03:06,661 This is Joni Evans. Joni is one of the best editors, 48 00:03:06,701 --> 00:03:10,341 well, in the world. And No.1 Joan Collins fan. 49 00:03:10,381 --> 00:03:13,741 He said that. You can't both be No.1. (LAUGHS) 50 00:03:13,781 --> 00:03:15,781 (THEY LAUGH) 51 00:03:17,101 --> 00:03:19,981 I'm just gonna come out and say this. Miss Collins, 52 00:03:20,021 --> 00:03:22,541 you are a modern-day Jane Austen. 53 00:03:22,581 --> 00:03:26,541 Thank you. But of course, Jane didn't act as well. 54 00:03:27,701 --> 00:03:31,341 Your previous novels, Prime Time, and Love 55 00:03:31,381 --> 00:03:34,021 the moment I read them, I knew they were instant classics. 56 00:03:34,061 --> 00:03:36,661 I get told that a lot. Three minutes. 57 00:03:36,701 --> 00:03:39,821 Miss Collins, you'd be in great company here at Random House. 58 00:03:39,861 --> 00:03:42,541 I promise I will champion you at every turn and Joni here 59 00:03:42,581 --> 00:03:45,301 will be at your beck and call, 24/7. We can provide... 60 00:03:45,341 --> 00:03:48,261 I've heard enough. I very much doubt you could afford me. 61 00:03:48,301 --> 00:03:50,661 So, let's save ourselves a couple of minutes. 62 00:03:50,701 --> 00:03:52,701 Thank you, and goodbye. 63 00:03:52,741 --> 00:03:54,741 $2 million. 64 00:03:55,861 --> 00:03:59,301 A million upfront, a million when you deliver your masterpiece. 65 00:04:05,421 --> 00:04:07,541 Remind me of your names again. 66 00:04:10,541 --> 00:04:13,901 ♪ Tall and tan and young and lovely 67 00:04:13,941 --> 00:04:17,301 ♪ The girl from Ipanema goes walking 68 00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:19,461 ♪ And when she passes 69 00:04:19,501 --> 00:04:22,861 ♪ Each one she passes goes, "ah!" 70 00:04:25,021 --> 00:04:28,661 ♪ When she walks, she's like a samba that 71 00:04:28,701 --> 00:04:32,301 ♪ Swings so cool and sways so gently 72 00:04:32,341 --> 00:04:34,341 ♪ That when she passes 73 00:04:34,381 --> 00:04:37,261 ♪ Each one she passes goes, "ah!" 74 00:04:39,861 --> 00:04:45,221 ♪ Oh, but he watches her so sadly 75 00:04:46,981 --> 00:04:48,981 ♪ How... ♪ 76 00:04:54,501 --> 00:04:56,421 I hate it. 77 00:04:56,461 --> 00:04:58,141 (LAUGHS) 78 00:05:01,861 --> 00:05:04,661 Are you going to let an editor talk to me like that, Alberto? 79 00:05:04,701 --> 00:05:07,821 Yes. I hate it, too. What do you mean, "hate"? 80 00:05:07,861 --> 00:05:10,941 -Strongly dislike.Abhor. -Despise. 81 00:05:10,981 --> 00:05:13,421 Yes, yes, we can all look up "hate" in the dictionary. 82 00:05:13,461 --> 00:05:16,461 -Thesaurus. -Name one thing about the book you didn't like! 83 00:05:16,501 --> 00:05:19,061 The plot is nonsensical. Characters are unbelievable. 84 00:05:19,101 --> 00:05:22,581 -Littered with cliches. -Boring -to read. -The sex is excruciating! 85 00:05:22,621 --> 00:05:24,861 (LAUGHS) Nobody has sex like that! 86 00:05:25,861 --> 00:05:29,941 I said, "Name one thing."Joan, Random House cannot publish this. 87 00:05:30,941 --> 00:05:33,181 The public adore me. The book would sell! 88 00:05:33,221 --> 00:05:35,861 Oh, come on. You can't call this a book. 89 00:05:35,901 --> 00:05:39,301 I mean, books have stories. This does have a story! 90 00:05:39,341 --> 00:05:41,901 And what's more, it's a story that you gave me notes on. 91 00:05:41,941 --> 00:05:44,301 Notes you patently ignored.(SCOFFS) 92 00:05:45,901 --> 00:05:48,581 Just let me do another draft. 93 00:05:48,621 --> 00:05:51,821 We could...spend more time together. 94 00:05:52,901 --> 00:05:57,101 -Polishing it. -You can't polish...what this is. 95 00:05:57,141 --> 00:05:59,141 It's dead, Joan. 96 00:05:59,181 --> 00:06:02,021 Can't bring the dead back to life, like you did in Dallas. 97 00:06:03,021 --> 00:06:04,741 Dynasty. 98 00:06:06,141 --> 00:06:08,221 You'll be hearing from my agent. 99 00:06:08,261 --> 00:06:10,541 Swifty will have your guts for garters. 100 00:06:13,381 --> 00:06:16,501 By the way, I pity your poor husband. 101 00:06:16,541 --> 00:06:18,861 Some of us do have sex like that. 102 00:06:24,661 --> 00:06:26,301 (DOOR SLAMS) 103 00:06:29,461 --> 00:06:31,781 Poor Swifty. He was only 86. 104 00:06:32,901 --> 00:06:36,541 -MONTY: -He would've loved the service. More star-studded than The Oscars. 105 00:06:36,581 --> 00:06:39,981 Wasn't easy having to sing the hymns stood next to Frank Sinatra. 106 00:06:40,021 --> 00:06:42,021 That Madonna can't sing a note. 107 00:06:42,061 --> 00:06:44,221 Champagne? It's what he would've wanted. 108 00:06:45,581 --> 00:06:48,981 -Darling? -What is it? It's Random House. 109 00:06:51,501 --> 00:06:53,781 -They're suing you. -What?! 110 00:06:56,181 --> 00:06:58,141 Bastards! 111 00:06:58,181 --> 00:07:00,421 Swifty's body not even cold. 112 00:07:00,461 --> 00:07:04,181 They want their $1 million back. How dare they?! 113 00:07:04,221 --> 00:07:06,981 I'll sue them right back. Well, don't do anything rash. 114 00:07:07,021 --> 00:07:10,221 I'm not being rash! When have you ever known me to be rash? 115 00:07:10,261 --> 00:07:12,661 -When you sued The Globe? -And I won! 116 00:07:12,701 --> 00:07:15,501 Every woman should be allowed to sunbathe topless in her villa 117 00:07:15,541 --> 00:07:18,101 in the south of France without some creep taking photos. 118 00:07:18,141 --> 00:07:21,301 I thought Pinky and Perky looked positively majestic! 119 00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:24,181 They always look majestic. But that's not the point. 120 00:07:24,221 --> 00:07:27,221 I took The Globe to the cleaners, and I'll take Random House 121 00:07:27,261 --> 00:07:30,581 to the cleaners. The book I wrote them was a best-seller. 122 00:07:30,621 --> 00:07:32,941 You loved it, didn't you, darling? 123 00:07:32,981 --> 00:07:36,381 Oh, Joanie, it was tour de force. 124 00:07:36,421 --> 00:07:39,061 Like nothing I've ever read before, or I'm sure... 125 00:07:40,061 --> 00:07:42,701 ..will ever read again. Thank you, Monty. 126 00:07:44,181 --> 00:07:46,181 Then, they haven't got a hope in hell. 127 00:07:46,221 --> 00:07:49,901 I'll see them in court! Now, make love to me. 128 00:07:49,941 --> 00:07:52,781 Er, I'd just like to let -those vol-au-vens settle. -Now! 129 00:07:52,821 --> 00:07:55,181 Not like in the book though, please! (LAUGHS) 130 00:08:01,941 --> 00:08:04,741 It's Day 1 of the showbiz trial of the decade, 131 00:08:04,781 --> 00:08:09,061 with Dynasty star Joan Collins and indeed, literature itself, 132 00:08:09,101 --> 00:08:12,821 both on trial. And you can watch the entire proceedings 133 00:08:12,861 --> 00:08:15,741 on Court TV. Miss Collins, Miss Collins! 134 00:08:15,781 --> 00:08:18,661 Are you worried you might have to give $1 million back? 135 00:08:18,701 --> 00:08:20,741 Miss Collins, can we ask you a question? 136 00:08:22,621 --> 00:08:24,781 (GRUNTING) 137 00:08:28,381 --> 00:08:30,261 (GROANING) 138 00:08:31,901 --> 00:08:33,501 (PUFFS) Oh. 139 00:08:34,501 --> 00:08:38,221 -Pen. -Are you sure about dressing down like this? 140 00:08:38,261 --> 00:08:41,301 Trust me. Today, we don't want you looking like a star. 141 00:08:41,341 --> 00:08:44,061 We want you looking like a victim! 142 00:08:44,101 --> 00:08:46,541 Oh, OK. So, they got Robert Callagy. 143 00:08:46,581 --> 00:08:50,221 -Is that good or bad? -Good for them. Not so good for us. 144 00:08:50,261 --> 00:08:52,301 Is he a better lawyer than you? 145 00:08:52,341 --> 00:08:56,341 The word I would use is "infinitely". 146 00:08:56,381 --> 00:08:59,381 What have I done? I haven't got a hope in hell, have I? 147 00:09:00,821 --> 00:09:02,821 Joan, we do have a chance. 148 00:09:02,861 --> 00:09:05,941 Now, the case hinges on this. 149 00:09:05,981 --> 00:09:08,581 In the deal Swifty struck with Random House, 150 00:09:08,621 --> 00:09:11,461 you only had to deliver a complete manuscript. 151 00:09:11,501 --> 00:09:15,061 Now, normally, a contract would demand a manuscript 152 00:09:15,101 --> 00:09:17,541 that was complete and satisfactory. 153 00:09:17,581 --> 00:09:21,021 So, what we have to argue is that your manuscript, 154 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,501 The Rules Of Passion, was complete. 155 00:09:23,541 --> 00:09:25,941 -The Ruling Passion. -That. 156 00:09:25,981 --> 00:09:28,621 Course it was complete! With 125,000 bloody words. 157 00:09:28,661 --> 00:09:30,661 There you go. 158 00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:34,101 -Did you read it? -Sure I did. 159 00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:36,901 -Did you like it? -Gotta tell you. 160 00:09:36,941 --> 00:09:39,021 Best book I read this year. 161 00:09:41,301 --> 00:09:43,541 How many books have you read this year? 162 00:09:43,581 --> 00:09:46,581 We should probably get a coffee before this thing starts. 163 00:09:46,621 --> 00:09:49,861 Why don't you just lie? I thought that's what lawyers were good at. 164 00:10:22,781 --> 00:10:25,421 There's a lot of cameras. Well, I guess you must be 165 00:10:25,461 --> 00:10:28,141 used to this kind of thing. I'm not used to this! 166 00:10:29,141 --> 00:10:31,141 I'm used to having a script, and retakes! 167 00:10:31,181 --> 00:10:33,981 You'll be fine, just don't look the jury in the eye. 168 00:10:34,021 --> 00:10:38,101 And Joan, this is very important. Try not to insult anyone, OK? 169 00:10:43,341 --> 00:10:45,621 Even if the bitch has got it coming to her? 170 00:10:45,661 --> 00:10:47,981 Especially if the bitch has got it coming to her! 171 00:10:48,021 --> 00:10:49,581 All rise. 172 00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:02,661 Right, let's get this done. 173 00:11:03,661 --> 00:11:08,381 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Random House vs Joan Collins. 174 00:11:08,421 --> 00:11:11,861 You must decide whether Ms Collins completed the manuscript 175 00:11:11,901 --> 00:11:14,901 that Random has paid her $1 million to write. 176 00:11:16,221 --> 00:11:21,221 I'm told Joan Collins is an actress in a soap opera. 177 00:11:21,261 --> 00:11:25,781 -It's a drama! -But don't let her fame influence your verdict. 178 00:11:25,821 --> 00:11:28,101 We'll start with opening statements, please? 179 00:11:28,141 --> 00:11:30,221 On behalf of Random House, Mr Callagy. 180 00:11:30,261 --> 00:11:32,381 You just watch him. This is gonna be great. 181 00:11:39,061 --> 00:11:41,661 Thank you, Your Honour. Here we go... 182 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:44,341 It's really a very simple case. 183 00:11:44,381 --> 00:11:49,221 Under the contract, Joan Collins had to deliver a complete manuscript. 184 00:11:49,261 --> 00:11:52,101 I emphasise the word "complete". 185 00:11:52,141 --> 00:11:56,301 Miss Collins may have written 125,000 words, 186 00:11:56,341 --> 00:12:00,541 but if those meandering words make no sense whatsoever, 187 00:12:00,581 --> 00:12:04,901 how can her book, if we can call it that, ever be considered complete? 188 00:12:04,941 --> 00:12:09,621 It is Random House's contention that the defendant has to return 189 00:12:09,661 --> 00:12:13,141 the advance of $1 million. Throughout this case, 190 00:12:13,181 --> 00:12:17,341 I will remind you, the hard-working men and women of the jury, 191 00:12:17,381 --> 00:12:20,781 that Miss Collins is a professional actress. 192 00:12:20,821 --> 00:12:25,181 So, don't be suckered in when she plays the victim. 193 00:12:25,221 --> 00:12:29,421 For in this case, she is anything but. Thank you. 194 00:12:33,181 --> 00:12:34,941 (THEY WHISPER) 195 00:12:36,541 --> 00:12:38,821 Mr Burrows? 196 00:12:38,861 --> 00:12:42,221 We will argue that "complete" is a quantity term, 197 00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:44,341 not a "quality" term. 198 00:12:47,061 --> 00:12:50,781 -Is that it? -Less is more. Not always, in my experience. 199 00:12:50,821 --> 00:12:53,941 Why not say The Ruling Passion is quality? Tell them that! 200 00:12:53,981 --> 00:12:56,101 That is not what we're here to argue, Joan. 201 00:12:56,141 --> 00:12:58,181 Please, you have to trust me. Mr Callagy, 202 00:12:58,221 --> 00:13:00,901 do you want to call your -first witness? -Thank you, judge. 203 00:13:00,941 --> 00:13:03,541 The plaintiff calls Miss Joni Evans. 204 00:13:11,261 --> 00:13:13,341 I've been looking forward to this. 205 00:13:30,381 --> 00:13:32,741 Miss Evans, do you swear the truth, the whole truth, 206 00:13:32,781 --> 00:13:35,061 and nothing but the truth, so help you, God? 207 00:13:35,101 --> 00:13:38,461 -I do. -Bet the bitch would reject that book, too! 208 00:13:38,501 --> 00:13:42,101 Miss Evans, you worked at Random House as an editor. 209 00:13:42,141 --> 00:13:45,141 Before The Ruling Passion was written, 210 00:13:45,181 --> 00:13:47,581 you had a few meetings with Joan, correct? 211 00:13:47,621 --> 00:13:50,341 -Yes. -What was discussed in those meetings? 212 00:13:50,381 --> 00:13:53,461 We were trying to come up with a credible plot. 213 00:13:53,501 --> 00:13:56,901 So, Joni and I agreed on the plot. 214 00:13:56,941 --> 00:14:00,901 A story about a Princess Diana type, and her sister. 215 00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:03,421 Only in Monaco. 216 00:14:03,461 --> 00:14:06,581 One has a miscarriage, the other one has a husband 217 00:14:06,621 --> 00:14:09,581 who's as gay as a daffodil... (OTHERS LAUGH) 218 00:14:12,221 --> 00:14:14,901 Once Joni and I had agreed on that plot, 219 00:14:14,941 --> 00:14:17,661 then I jetted to the Riviera to write. 220 00:14:17,701 --> 00:14:21,701 So, when you returned, what did Miss Evans make of your work? 221 00:14:21,741 --> 00:14:26,621 (SCOFFS) She told me the plot was, in her words, 222 00:14:26,661 --> 00:14:28,701 absolutely diabolical. 223 00:14:28,741 --> 00:14:33,501 -And what did you say to her? -I said, "Joni, this is the plot we agreed!" 224 00:14:33,541 --> 00:14:37,941 And Joni just said, "Well, I made a mistake." 225 00:14:41,981 --> 00:14:43,981 (CAMERAS CLICK) 226 00:14:45,661 --> 00:14:48,901 What was your reaction on receiving the manuscript from Joan Collins? 227 00:14:48,941 --> 00:14:55,021 I remember feeling alarmed, that it was very...primitive. 228 00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:57,661 When you say primitive, what do you mean by that? 229 00:14:57,701 --> 00:15:01,381 Well, it was not credible. Jumbled and disjointed, 230 00:15:01,421 --> 00:15:03,421 it was utter garbage, frankly. 231 00:15:03,461 --> 00:15:06,261 Did you try to give Miss Collins help on her book? 232 00:15:06,301 --> 00:15:09,701 I told her if it needs a writer who will work with you, 233 00:15:09,741 --> 00:15:12,861 let's find that writer. If it needs an editor or two editors 234 00:15:12,901 --> 00:15:15,101 or five editors, let's do that. 235 00:15:15,141 --> 00:15:17,981 Did she take you up on the offer? No. 236 00:15:18,021 --> 00:15:19,741 The bitch! 237 00:15:19,781 --> 00:15:21,981 Did you have something to add, Miss Collins? 238 00:15:22,021 --> 00:15:25,421 Ah, no, my client just...sneezed, Your Honour. 239 00:15:27,861 --> 00:15:31,661 I repeatedly begged Joni Evans for some face-to-face meetings. 240 00:15:31,701 --> 00:15:33,701 And how did she respond? 241 00:15:33,741 --> 00:15:36,141 She was too busy, staying with Jeffrey Archer. 242 00:15:36,181 --> 00:15:38,221 Who is Jeffrey Archer? 243 00:15:38,261 --> 00:15:42,981 Who is Lord Jeffrey Archer? Yes, who is Lord Jeffrey Archer? 244 00:15:43,021 --> 00:15:47,741 Lord Jeffrey Archer is not only an incredibly principled politician, 245 00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:51,021 he's also the Charles Dickens of our day. 246 00:15:51,061 --> 00:15:55,061 And hosts the most wonderful champagne and shepherd's pie parties. 247 00:15:55,101 --> 00:15:57,141 I didn't get the invite. 248 00:15:57,181 --> 00:15:59,181 (THEY LAUGH) 249 00:16:00,221 --> 00:16:03,581 Yes, I admit I did go to Jeffrey Archer's house. 250 00:16:03,621 --> 00:16:05,821 -Which one? -The one in The Bahamas. 251 00:16:05,861 --> 00:16:09,461 Nice, and how long were you there for? A day, a long weekend? 252 00:16:09,501 --> 00:16:12,101 -A month. -During this sun-soaked month 253 00:16:12,141 --> 00:16:15,261 in a millionaire's tropical mansion, it was just you, 254 00:16:15,301 --> 00:16:18,301 beavering away on Jeffrey's -latest offering? -No. 255 00:16:18,341 --> 00:16:20,821 How many editors were -out there with you? -Just two. 256 00:16:20,861 --> 00:16:24,741 So, just you and one other person? No, me and two others. 257 00:16:24,781 --> 00:16:27,901 So, three editors for one month in The Bahamas, 258 00:16:27,941 --> 00:16:30,221 all to help Lord Jeffrey Archer, 259 00:16:30,261 --> 00:16:35,781 an author who's already sold over 200 million books. 260 00:16:35,821 --> 00:16:38,221 Well, unlike Joan's book, 261 00:16:38,261 --> 00:16:40,541 Jeff's was actually salvageable. 262 00:16:40,581 --> 00:16:42,221 (MURMURING) 263 00:16:42,261 --> 00:16:46,381 The contract Joan Collins signed says she needed to turn in 264 00:16:46,421 --> 00:16:49,861 a complete manuscript of 125,000 words. 265 00:16:49,901 --> 00:16:51,941 -Is that correct? -Yes. 266 00:16:51,981 --> 00:16:55,741 Many contracts at Random House say the author needs to turn in 267 00:16:55,781 --> 00:16:59,621 a complete and satisfactory manuscript. 268 00:16:59,661 --> 00:17:02,621 Why was the wording different for Miss Collins? 269 00:17:02,661 --> 00:17:06,701 Her agent at the time, Swifty Lazar, insisted on it. 270 00:17:06,741 --> 00:17:09,461 Or he would take the book off to another publisher. 271 00:17:09,501 --> 00:17:14,421 So, is Miss Collins's manuscript, The Ruling Passion, complete? 272 00:17:15,461 --> 00:17:17,461 It's complete something. 273 00:17:17,501 --> 00:17:19,061 (LAUGHTER) 274 00:17:19,101 --> 00:17:21,421 Let me rephrase the question. 275 00:17:21,461 --> 00:17:24,541 Did Miss Collins just randomly write 276 00:17:24,581 --> 00:17:29,701 125,000 words in no particular order? 277 00:17:29,741 --> 00:17:31,341 Yes. 278 00:17:31,381 --> 00:17:33,461 -Excuse me? -Yes. 279 00:17:36,661 --> 00:17:38,741 You're saying yes, she did? 280 00:17:38,781 --> 00:17:40,861 Yes, she did.(GASPS) 281 00:17:41,981 --> 00:17:44,301 So, uh... I just... 282 00:17:45,781 --> 00:17:47,341 OK, so, 283 00:17:47,381 --> 00:17:50,381 these 125,000 words were... 284 00:17:50,421 --> 00:17:52,621 Were just arbitrary? 285 00:17:52,661 --> 00:17:55,941 It wasn't gibberish, but it wasn't what anyone would call a book. 286 00:17:55,981 --> 00:17:58,341 So, you're saying a monkey with a typewriter 287 00:17:58,381 --> 00:18:00,621 could have written The Ruling Passion? 288 00:18:01,981 --> 00:18:04,021 Given enough time, sure. 289 00:18:04,061 --> 00:18:06,061 (LAUGHTER) 290 00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:09,341 (CHUCKLES) 291 00:18:10,381 --> 00:18:12,781 (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) 292 00:18:12,821 --> 00:18:14,301 (COUGHS) 293 00:18:14,341 --> 00:18:16,941 -Joan, Joan! -No questions, please. 294 00:18:16,981 --> 00:18:19,501 What's it like to have your work trashed on live TV? 295 00:18:19,541 --> 00:18:22,261 Will you have to stop writing now? I said no questions. 296 00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:25,061 Have you spent the million dollars already? 297 00:18:25,101 --> 00:18:27,421 Are you broke, now Dynasty's cancelled? 298 00:18:27,461 --> 00:18:29,621 Is it true your book could've been written 299 00:18:29,661 --> 00:18:31,741 by a monkey with a typewriter? 300 00:18:37,341 --> 00:18:41,181 Darling, you were wonderful today. I was glued to the television. 301 00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,701 -Bra-vo! -It was a disaster. 302 00:18:43,741 --> 00:18:47,341 "Disaster" is a strong word. All right, how about "catastrophe"? 303 00:18:47,381 --> 00:18:50,941 Joan, you're being melodramatic. Monty, if I lose this case, 304 00:18:50,981 --> 00:18:54,901 I'm ruined. I don't have the advance. The money is long gone. 305 00:18:54,941 --> 00:18:57,541 It's a million dollars, you can't have spent all of it. 306 00:18:57,581 --> 00:19:00,181 It's not cheap being Joan Collins! 307 00:19:00,221 --> 00:19:03,341 The public expect me to look the part, day and night. 308 00:19:03,381 --> 00:19:06,261 They don't realise it's all just a fantasy. 309 00:19:06,301 --> 00:19:09,421 There's this case, the tax man, Swifty's share, 310 00:19:09,461 --> 00:19:12,661 which he took to the grave, and of course, Savile Row suits for you. 311 00:19:12,701 --> 00:19:14,901 I'm Mr Joan Collins, I need to look the part. 312 00:19:14,941 --> 00:19:17,021 Darling, I didn't mean to snap at you, but 313 00:19:17,061 --> 00:19:20,581 for the first time in my life, I'm frightened. 314 00:19:21,581 --> 00:19:23,821 Promise you'll visit me in prison. 315 00:19:23,861 --> 00:19:26,861 You don't get sent to prison for writing a terrible book. 316 00:19:28,341 --> 00:19:30,821 Oh, so now you think it's terrible? 317 00:19:30,861 --> 00:19:34,381 No, no, I'm not saying that. That's what they were saying in court! 318 00:19:35,541 --> 00:19:38,181 What would you give The Ruling Passion out of 10? 319 00:19:41,021 --> 00:19:43,021 -10. -You hesitated.11. 320 00:19:44,421 --> 00:19:46,181 That's better. 321 00:19:49,341 --> 00:19:51,341 Make love to me. 322 00:19:51,381 --> 00:19:53,861 Maybe we should just finish our champagne first. 323 00:20:00,901 --> 00:20:03,021 (GLASS CLINKS)(GASPS) 324 00:20:10,621 --> 00:20:12,461 (BELL RINGS) 325 00:20:12,501 --> 00:20:15,381 OK. Here we go again. 326 00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:18,781 Court is in session. Mr Callagy? 327 00:20:20,101 --> 00:20:23,501 I'd like to call Miss Lucianne Goldberg to the stand. 328 00:20:26,261 --> 00:20:30,621 -Who is this woman? -She's an editor and a ghost writer. 329 00:20:30,661 --> 00:20:34,581 Miss Goldberg, have you read Miss Collins's manuscript 330 00:20:34,621 --> 00:20:38,181 for The Ruling Passion? I have, several times. 331 00:20:38,221 --> 00:20:41,741 Perhaps you could summarise what the book is about? 332 00:20:41,781 --> 00:20:44,981 (SCOFFS) Well, I'll try. 333 00:20:45,021 --> 00:20:47,021 (THEY LAUGH) 334 00:20:47,061 --> 00:20:51,141 There are two sisters, I think. One of them is pregnant, 335 00:20:51,181 --> 00:20:54,541 except then, she's not. There are a few hunks. 336 00:20:55,541 --> 00:20:59,101 Someone's gay, and there's a whole lot of sex. 337 00:20:59,141 --> 00:21:01,141 Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! 338 00:21:01,181 --> 00:21:04,781 It's a mess. Even the sex is a mess. 339 00:21:07,021 --> 00:21:09,581 OK, can we focus in on the story? 340 00:21:09,621 --> 00:21:11,301 Objection, Your Honour. 341 00:21:11,341 --> 00:21:14,301 This case is not about whether the story makes sense. 342 00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:16,341 Overruled. 343 00:21:16,381 --> 00:21:21,221 Do you remember, one of the sisters, Desiree, starting taking pills? 344 00:21:21,261 --> 00:21:25,181 She developed a drug problem. Sure, I remember. 345 00:21:25,221 --> 00:21:28,421 And suddenly, there's no mention of a drug problem whatsoever. 346 00:21:28,461 --> 00:21:30,341 So, what happened? 347 00:21:30,381 --> 00:21:32,381 It's a miracle!(LAUGHTER) 348 00:21:34,341 --> 00:21:37,661 And at one point, Desiree has a heart operation 349 00:21:37,701 --> 00:21:41,261 caused by a stroke, from the chemotherapy, of course. 350 00:21:41,301 --> 00:21:43,581 And this is all before the coma. 351 00:21:44,821 --> 00:21:47,261 Now, from the midway part of the book, 352 00:21:47,301 --> 00:21:50,301 none of these terminal problems were ever mentioned again. 353 00:21:50,341 --> 00:21:53,581 Now, how do you account for that? Another miracle! 354 00:21:53,621 --> 00:21:55,621 (THEY LAUGH) 355 00:21:55,661 --> 00:21:59,261 I'd like you to read page 96, the first five lines. 356 00:22:01,221 --> 00:22:05,781 "'What's wrong, my little cabbage?' He pouted sweetly. 357 00:22:05,821 --> 00:22:10,421 "'How dare you, Pascal?! I'm not anyone's little cabbage. 358 00:22:10,461 --> 00:22:12,661 "'Least of all, yours.'"(LAUGHTER) 359 00:22:12,701 --> 00:22:15,461 "She lowered her voice to a whisper. 360 00:22:15,501 --> 00:22:18,941 "'You're still gay, aren't you? 361 00:22:18,981 --> 00:22:21,541 "'Even after last night!'" 362 00:22:21,581 --> 00:22:25,421 -Who's Pascal? -I have absolutely no idea. 363 00:22:25,461 --> 00:22:28,981 Except that he likes cabbages, and he might still be gay. 364 00:22:29,021 --> 00:22:30,661 (LAUGHTER) 365 00:22:30,701 --> 00:22:32,701 I have no more questions, Your Honour. 366 00:22:32,741 --> 00:22:35,061 Mr Burrows, your witness. 367 00:22:35,101 --> 00:22:37,621 (CLEARS THROAT) 368 00:22:37,661 --> 00:22:39,421 Good luck. 369 00:22:39,461 --> 00:22:42,741 Miss Goldberg, it is I think clear to everyone here 370 00:22:42,781 --> 00:22:46,061 that as far as The Ruling Passion is concerned, 371 00:22:46,101 --> 00:22:49,221 there is some room for improvement. 372 00:22:49,261 --> 00:22:51,381 (WHISPERS) Who's side are you on?! 373 00:22:51,421 --> 00:22:53,941 We've heard a lot of negative opinion about the book, 374 00:22:53,981 --> 00:22:56,341 but what were its merits? 375 00:22:56,381 --> 00:22:58,661 It's the right weight for a book. 376 00:22:58,701 --> 00:23:03,261 So, there was nothing in those 125,000 words you found enjoyable, 377 00:23:03,301 --> 00:23:06,141 nothing at all. Oh, sure, I enjoyed it. 378 00:23:06,181 --> 00:23:10,861 I'm just not sure if the bits I enjoyed were...intentional. 379 00:23:10,901 --> 00:23:13,221 Let's cut to the chase, Miss Goldberg. 380 00:23:13,261 --> 00:23:16,821 In your experience as an editor, is the book fixable? 381 00:23:16,861 --> 00:23:18,941 -Objection! -Overruled. 382 00:23:18,981 --> 00:23:22,781 Well, I'd have to take a pencil and some scissors to it. 383 00:23:22,821 --> 00:23:26,261 The question, Miss Goldberg, was is it fixable? 384 00:23:26,301 --> 00:23:28,581 Oh, sure, it was fixable. 385 00:23:28,621 --> 00:23:33,501 Just like Desiree's drug addiction, heart attack and terminal cancer! 386 00:23:33,541 --> 00:23:36,741 Is The Ruling Passion a complete manuscript? 387 00:23:36,781 --> 00:23:38,581 -Objection! -Overruled. 388 00:23:38,621 --> 00:23:41,781 Is The Ruling Passion a complete manuscript? 389 00:23:55,421 --> 00:23:57,501 Absolutely. 390 00:23:57,541 --> 00:24:00,021 No further questions. 391 00:24:03,221 --> 00:24:05,021 (BANGS GAVEL) 392 00:24:07,981 --> 00:24:09,901 No, don't. 393 00:24:19,221 --> 00:24:22,541 Joan, don't be upset. You're doing great. 394 00:24:22,581 --> 00:24:25,541 Wish I could say the same for you! We're on top here. 395 00:24:25,581 --> 00:24:27,901 Lucianne has just put us in the driving seat. 396 00:24:27,941 --> 00:24:30,661 Didn't you hear her say your book was a complete manuscript? 397 00:24:30,701 --> 00:24:33,341 I couldn't hear anything over the mocking laughter. 398 00:24:33,381 --> 00:24:35,701 Mustn't take it personally. It is personal! 399 00:24:35,741 --> 00:24:38,021 Making me out to be some sort of village idiot, 400 00:24:38,061 --> 00:24:40,581 who couldn't write a shopping list. Surely Joan Collins 401 00:24:40,621 --> 00:24:42,821 has someone to write her shopping lists for her? 402 00:24:42,861 --> 00:24:45,781 Of course I do. Many of them, but that's not the point. 403 00:24:45,821 --> 00:24:48,061 I put my heart and soul into that book. 404 00:24:48,101 --> 00:24:50,261 Whether you did or you didn't doesn't matter. 405 00:24:50,301 --> 00:24:52,301 It matters to me! 406 00:24:52,341 --> 00:24:54,581 My literary career is all I have now. 407 00:24:55,581 --> 00:24:58,901 Roles like Alexis don't come around again for an actress of my age. 408 00:25:00,741 --> 00:25:02,941 You may not believe this, Ken. 409 00:25:03,981 --> 00:25:06,221 But I'm 62. 410 00:25:08,061 --> 00:25:11,061 -No?You hesitated! -No, I didn't. 411 00:25:11,101 --> 00:25:13,301 Yes, you did. 412 00:25:13,341 --> 00:25:15,541 I know hesitation when I hear it. 413 00:25:17,501 --> 00:25:20,941 I'm three years off getting my free bus pass! 414 00:25:20,981 --> 00:25:25,341 Well, every cloud. This is hard, Ken. 415 00:25:26,341 --> 00:25:28,501 It's harder than I ever thought it would be. 416 00:25:29,821 --> 00:25:32,541 I honestly don't think I can hold it together if that bastard 417 00:25:32,581 --> 00:25:36,421 -calls me to the stand! -There is no way that is gonna happen. 418 00:25:36,461 --> 00:25:38,661 You said you delivered a complete manuscript, 419 00:25:38,701 --> 00:25:41,421 the expert has agreed. What else is there to ask you about? 420 00:25:41,461 --> 00:25:44,421 Going over the same ground's only gonna weaken his case. 421 00:25:44,461 --> 00:25:48,741 You mark my words. Callagy won't dare call you today. 422 00:25:48,781 --> 00:25:50,941 (SIGHS) (BELL RINGS) 423 00:25:54,101 --> 00:25:57,341 -How do I look? -Absolute perfection. Too fast this time. 424 00:25:59,381 --> 00:26:01,021 (BANGS GAVEL) 425 00:26:01,061 --> 00:26:04,141 And on it goes. Mr Callagy? 426 00:26:04,181 --> 00:26:07,341 The next witness, please. I'd like to call to the stand 427 00:26:07,381 --> 00:26:09,141 Miss Joan Collins. 428 00:26:34,061 --> 00:26:36,101 Miss Collins? 429 00:26:38,301 --> 00:26:41,421 Did you think that The Ruling Passion was good enough? 430 00:26:41,461 --> 00:26:43,621 Good enough for what? Answer the question, 431 00:26:43,661 --> 00:26:46,781 at the time that you submitted it, did you think it was good enough? 432 00:26:48,101 --> 00:26:51,821 -Good enough for what? -Did you think the manuscript you delivered 433 00:26:51,861 --> 00:26:55,421 was good enough for anything? Good enough for anything? Um... 434 00:26:57,341 --> 00:27:01,861 -..yes. -That's interesting. Because in 1992, you took The Globe newspaper 435 00:27:01,901 --> 00:27:04,541 to court, because they took pictures of you topless 436 00:27:04,581 --> 00:27:07,941 in the south of France at your villa. Isn't that correct? 437 00:27:07,981 --> 00:27:11,061 -Uh, objection. -Overruled. 438 00:27:13,181 --> 00:27:16,821 Yes, that's correct. And during that trial, 439 00:27:16,861 --> 00:27:20,781 you testified that you were so upset, you claimed 440 00:27:20,821 --> 00:27:24,301 you could not concentrate to write The Ruling Passion. 441 00:27:24,341 --> 00:27:26,341 -Is that correct? -Yes. 442 00:27:26,381 --> 00:27:28,901 Miss Collins, this is the testimony from that trial, 443 00:27:28,941 --> 00:27:32,301 what you gave under oath. May I approach the bench? 444 00:27:32,341 --> 00:27:34,061 Please do. 445 00:27:35,821 --> 00:27:40,461 Would you read page 126, line No.7? 446 00:27:40,501 --> 00:27:43,581 And remember, you told this jury under oath, 447 00:27:43,621 --> 00:27:47,341 that you thought The Ruling Passion was good enough for anything. 448 00:27:53,821 --> 00:27:55,981 "I just knew it wasn't good enough." 449 00:27:56,021 --> 00:27:58,181 And that was truthful at the time, wasn't it? 450 00:27:59,261 --> 00:28:02,181 It was partially truthful. Wait a minute, you were under oath 451 00:28:02,221 --> 00:28:04,701 at the Globe trial, weren't you? 452 00:28:04,741 --> 00:28:06,981 Yes, but I...The question. 453 00:28:08,141 --> 00:28:10,541 Miss Collins, I remind you that when you take the oath 454 00:28:10,581 --> 00:28:12,901 and you swear on the Bible, it's for the whole truth, 455 00:28:12,941 --> 00:28:15,421 not a part truth. -Do you understand that? -Yes. 456 00:28:17,701 --> 00:28:19,101 Yes. 457 00:28:20,381 --> 00:28:23,941 So, what you're saying is, that you told one jury one thing 458 00:28:23,981 --> 00:28:26,781 when you were suing for $20 million and you tell this jury 459 00:28:26,821 --> 00:28:30,661 another story, so that you don't have to return a $1 million advance. 460 00:28:30,701 --> 00:28:34,421 -Yes or no? -No, I haven't... No is the answer. Next question. 461 00:28:34,461 --> 00:28:38,221 -Have you no shame? -Objection! Sustained. 462 00:28:39,421 --> 00:28:42,061 (SIGHS) I have no more questions. 463 00:28:44,141 --> 00:28:46,781 Thank you, Miss Collins. That'll be all, for now. 464 00:28:47,941 --> 00:28:50,701 OK, court is adjourned. See you tomorrow. 465 00:28:57,461 --> 00:28:59,461 (WHIMPERS) 466 00:29:21,701 --> 00:29:23,301 Mm. 467 00:29:24,581 --> 00:29:28,301 What's the matter, darling? You've barely touched your caviar. 468 00:29:28,341 --> 00:29:31,101 I can't eat at a time like this. 469 00:29:31,141 --> 00:29:34,301 -I'm sick with worry! -Just ignore what the newspapers are saying. 470 00:29:34,341 --> 00:29:36,861 What have they been saying? As for that David Letterman, 471 00:29:36,901 --> 00:29:38,901 he deserves a bloody good biff on the nose! 472 00:29:38,941 --> 00:29:40,981 Has he made a joke about me? One or two. 473 00:29:41,021 --> 00:29:43,541 But his jokes just aren't funny. You actually look 474 00:29:43,581 --> 00:29:46,621 -fabulous for your age. -Are you trying to upset me, Monty? 475 00:29:46,661 --> 00:29:49,581 No! I'm trying to make you feel better. 476 00:29:49,621 --> 00:29:52,581 People have been saying it's great to have you back on the box. 477 00:29:52,621 --> 00:29:55,661 -On Court TV?! -It's actually fantastic entertainment. 478 00:29:55,701 --> 00:29:58,541 Well, I'm glad you found it entertaining, watching my life 479 00:29:58,581 --> 00:30:02,141 unravel before the world. Have some more bubbly! 480 00:30:02,181 --> 00:30:04,381 Monty, I don't think you understand. 481 00:30:04,421 --> 00:30:07,741 If I lose this case, we lose everything. 482 00:30:07,781 --> 00:30:09,981 I don't think you have anything to worry about. 483 00:30:10,021 --> 00:30:12,501 The jury should be on your side by now. 484 00:30:12,541 --> 00:30:14,821 They must have lapped up those crocodile tears. 485 00:30:14,861 --> 00:30:18,381 A stroke of genius. I almost believed them myself! 486 00:30:18,421 --> 00:30:22,021 How dare you? Those tears were real! 487 00:30:22,061 --> 00:30:24,741 I don't think you have the slightest idea how distressing 488 00:30:24,781 --> 00:30:27,221 this case has been for me. I'm beginning to wonder 489 00:30:27,261 --> 00:30:29,821 if you know me at all. Oh, darling, I was just trying... 490 00:30:29,861 --> 00:30:31,981 I'm going to bed, and that's not an invitation. 491 00:30:32,021 --> 00:30:34,861 Tonight, you can sleep on the couch. 492 00:30:34,901 --> 00:30:36,901 (DOOR SLAMS) 493 00:30:43,981 --> 00:30:46,581 (WHIMPERS) 494 00:30:51,381 --> 00:30:53,181 (SNIFFS) 495 00:30:54,981 --> 00:30:57,581 (TV PLAYS) 496 00:30:57,621 --> 00:31:00,621 -REPORTER: -In court today, an almost unrecognisable Joan Collins 497 00:31:00,661 --> 00:31:04,381 was a shadow of her former self, as she was accused of lying under oath. 498 00:31:04,421 --> 00:31:07,901 (REMOTE CLICKS) Joan Collins is so old, she wrote her first book 499 00:31:07,941 --> 00:31:09,941 on stone tablets.(LAUGHTER) 500 00:31:09,981 --> 00:31:13,061 I know! I shouldn't be rude, it sold very well. 501 00:31:13,101 --> 00:31:16,021 It kept The Ten Commandments off the top of the best-seller list. 502 00:31:16,061 --> 00:31:19,261 (REMOTE CLICKS) Call me a bitch, see if I care! 503 00:31:19,301 --> 00:31:21,701 I make no apology for being a woman who goes out there 504 00:31:21,741 --> 00:31:25,061 and gets what she wants, every single time. 505 00:31:26,941 --> 00:31:28,941 (MUSIC STOPS) Look at you. 506 00:31:30,661 --> 00:31:32,741 What have you become? 507 00:31:34,101 --> 00:31:36,181 Don't ignore me, Joan. 508 00:31:37,181 --> 00:31:39,501 -Me?Yes, you! -Hey! (THUDDING) 509 00:31:39,541 --> 00:31:41,541 You've become a punchline. 510 00:31:41,581 --> 00:31:43,581 How are you talking to me? 511 00:31:43,621 --> 00:31:46,461 It's a dream sequence, the sort of thing we used to do in Dynasty. 512 00:31:46,501 --> 00:31:48,741 Joan, what happened to you in that court room? 513 00:31:48,781 --> 00:31:51,941 You let them walk all over you like the door mat at The Savoy. 514 00:31:51,981 --> 00:31:56,381 Where was Joan? All I could see was some meek little beige woman. 515 00:31:56,421 --> 00:31:58,421 That's who I am. 516 00:32:00,021 --> 00:32:04,301 (SOBS) A meek little beige woman who writes trashy novels. 517 00:32:04,341 --> 00:32:07,581 And apparently, I'm not even any good at that. 518 00:32:07,621 --> 00:32:10,421 Don't make me come out of this TV and slap you. 519 00:32:10,461 --> 00:32:12,781 Of course that's not who you are! 520 00:32:12,821 --> 00:32:16,101 You're a ball-breaker. And when I look around that court room, 521 00:32:16,141 --> 00:32:19,221 all I see is a lot of balls that are still intact. 522 00:32:19,261 --> 00:32:22,541 Lovely speech, but this is my real life. 523 00:32:22,581 --> 00:32:25,101 -It's not Dynasty. -You're the star! 524 00:32:25,141 --> 00:32:27,261 Why don't you behave like one? 525 00:32:27,301 --> 00:32:29,381 I'm not a star any more. 526 00:32:33,101 --> 00:32:35,101 If I'm honest, 527 00:32:35,141 --> 00:32:37,181 I don't know who I am. 528 00:32:37,221 --> 00:32:39,221 I'll tell you who you are. 529 00:32:40,821 --> 00:32:43,661 You're Joan bloody Collins! 530 00:32:44,661 --> 00:32:46,661 Don't you ever forget that. 531 00:33:08,861 --> 00:33:10,861 (CAR HORNS BEEP) 532 00:33:16,901 --> 00:33:19,901 -Where's your client? -I don't know. 533 00:33:19,941 --> 00:33:22,021 She'll be in contempt of court. 534 00:33:41,661 --> 00:33:43,661 What are you wearing? 535 00:33:43,701 --> 00:33:45,701 Haute couture. 536 00:33:45,741 --> 00:33:49,181 And before you ask, I don't think they have it in your size. 537 00:33:49,221 --> 00:33:51,821 Good morning, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, 538 00:33:51,861 --> 00:33:56,381 and welcome to the grand finale. Don't look the jury in the eye! 539 00:33:56,421 --> 00:33:59,901 We did it your way. Now, we're going to do it my way. 540 00:34:03,101 --> 00:34:05,101 Nice of you to join us! 541 00:34:06,781 --> 00:34:08,821 Let's begin. Mr Callagy. 542 00:34:08,861 --> 00:34:11,581 I wish to call Miss Joan Collins to the stand. 543 00:34:13,501 --> 00:34:15,661 (HUMS) 544 00:34:15,701 --> 00:34:17,581 (WHISPERS) Joan? 545 00:34:25,181 --> 00:34:29,301 Your Honour, she's taking too long. Overruled! (LAUGHS) 546 00:34:29,341 --> 00:34:31,341 Joan, please. 547 00:34:42,341 --> 00:34:45,981 I love what you're wearing. We could be twins! 548 00:34:47,141 --> 00:34:49,421 Please, Miss Collins. 549 00:34:49,461 --> 00:34:51,021 Sorry! 550 00:35:06,461 --> 00:35:08,781 -You may begin. -Miss Collins, 551 00:35:08,821 --> 00:35:12,021 did Random House ever say to you that your manuscript, 552 00:35:12,061 --> 00:35:14,421 the one you submitted, was not good enough? 553 00:35:14,461 --> 00:35:16,741 What is this, Mr Callagy? A memory test? 554 00:35:16,781 --> 00:35:18,941 Answer the question. 555 00:35:18,981 --> 00:35:22,741 (PUFFS) Yes, at same point. 556 00:35:22,781 --> 00:35:24,781 Yes is the answer. 557 00:35:24,821 --> 00:35:27,821 Now, would you look at page 113, line 6? 558 00:35:27,861 --> 00:35:31,061 -In my book? -No, in your deposition. 559 00:35:31,101 --> 00:35:33,181 You need to be clear, Mr Callagy. 560 00:35:33,221 --> 00:35:36,101 It's what Random House is paying you squillions for. 561 00:35:36,141 --> 00:35:39,901 (THEY LAUGH) In your deposition, which you gave under oath 562 00:35:39,941 --> 00:35:42,301 when I questioned about this case, 563 00:35:42,341 --> 00:35:45,581 what was your answer to that question then? 564 00:35:45,621 --> 00:35:48,581 What was what answer to what question when? 565 00:35:48,621 --> 00:35:53,221 Did Random House ever tell you that the manuscript you submitted 566 00:35:53,261 --> 00:35:55,261 was not good enough? 567 00:36:08,341 --> 00:36:10,021 No. 568 00:36:12,381 --> 00:36:15,221 Good. Now, page 1. 569 00:36:15,261 --> 00:36:17,661 In my book or the deposition? In your book. 570 00:36:17,701 --> 00:36:20,861 You're confusing me. Well, let me help you. 571 00:36:20,901 --> 00:36:23,421 Oh, Mr Callagy, you're not supposed to come close to me 572 00:36:23,461 --> 00:36:25,461 without asking permission. 573 00:36:25,501 --> 00:36:27,821 (LAUGHTER) 574 00:36:27,861 --> 00:36:30,741 Your honour, may I approach? You may approach. 575 00:36:31,941 --> 00:36:34,461 That's quite close enough! 576 00:36:34,501 --> 00:36:37,901 Is it true that your manuscript was in such a terrible state, 577 00:36:37,941 --> 00:36:41,461 that you couldn't find the title? I gave it many titles. 578 00:36:41,501 --> 00:36:44,341 So incomplete was your writing, that at one moment, 579 00:36:44,381 --> 00:36:47,421 you called your book The Ruling Passion. 580 00:36:47,461 --> 00:36:49,781 Another, Hell To Pay. 581 00:36:49,821 --> 00:36:52,621 And then, Lie Back And Think Of England. 582 00:36:52,661 --> 00:36:56,701 I've come up with a lot names for you during this trial, Mr Callagy. 583 00:36:56,741 --> 00:36:59,941 But that doesn't mean I don't know exactly what you are. 584 00:36:59,981 --> 00:37:01,981 (LAUGHTER) 585 00:37:03,741 --> 00:37:07,181 Are there any further questions? No further questions. 586 00:37:07,221 --> 00:37:09,621 The defence rests, Your Honour. 587 00:37:09,661 --> 00:37:13,301 I'd like to say a few words. Please, Miss Collins. Sit back down! 588 00:37:16,181 --> 00:37:18,301 This is David versus Goliath. 589 00:37:19,541 --> 00:37:24,181 Goliath, the international publishing empire Random House, 590 00:37:24,221 --> 00:37:26,221 versus me. 591 00:37:26,261 --> 00:37:29,581 A humble, jobbing actress. 592 00:37:29,621 --> 00:37:33,301 Mr Burrows, can you -control your client? -Nope. 593 00:37:33,341 --> 00:37:38,061 They have attempted to humiliate me by trashing my unedited manuscript. 594 00:37:38,101 --> 00:37:40,101 I wrote them a book. 595 00:37:41,661 --> 00:37:44,981 I put my heart and soul into that book. 596 00:37:47,101 --> 00:37:49,261 (SOBS) And yes... 597 00:37:49,301 --> 00:37:51,661 ..mad, crazy things happen in it! 598 00:37:52,741 --> 00:37:55,661 But don't mad, crazy things happen in life? 599 00:37:57,461 --> 00:38:01,101 Nobody held a gun to their heads to give me all that money. 600 00:38:01,141 --> 00:38:03,941 I kept my end of the bargain, 601 00:38:03,981 --> 00:38:06,901 but they did not uphold theirs. 602 00:38:06,941 --> 00:38:09,941 David versus Goliath. 603 00:38:09,981 --> 00:38:12,821 We all know how that story ends in the Bible. 604 00:38:12,861 --> 00:38:16,061 Is that really a story you want to rewrite? 605 00:38:18,621 --> 00:38:21,141 Call me old-fashioned, 606 00:38:21,181 --> 00:38:23,701 but I prefer God's version. 607 00:38:23,741 --> 00:38:26,181 Finished? 608 00:38:26,221 --> 00:38:27,781 Yes. 609 00:38:30,021 --> 00:38:32,221 -You may continue. -Thank you. 610 00:38:34,181 --> 00:38:36,861 Jury, you may now deliberate. 611 00:38:38,021 --> 00:38:40,021 What the hell were you doing in there? 612 00:38:40,061 --> 00:38:43,141 Being myself, Joan bloody Collins! 613 00:38:43,181 --> 00:38:46,621 Well, I hope that little performance was worth $1 million, 614 00:38:46,661 --> 00:38:48,981 because that's what it looks like it's cost you. 615 00:38:52,741 --> 00:38:54,741 (DOOR SLAMS) 616 00:39:14,581 --> 00:39:16,421 (DOOR OPENS) We're back. 617 00:39:16,461 --> 00:39:18,461 (BELL RINGS) 618 00:39:29,541 --> 00:39:31,381 All rise. 619 00:39:51,141 --> 00:39:53,741 With respect to the allegation that Joan Collins 620 00:39:53,781 --> 00:39:56,301 failed to deliver a complete manuscript... 621 00:39:59,981 --> 00:40:01,981 ..how do you find the defendant? 622 00:40:15,901 --> 00:40:17,341 Not guilty. 623 00:40:17,381 --> 00:40:19,381 (GASPS) 624 00:40:20,621 --> 00:40:23,101 Yeah!(APPLAUSE) 625 00:40:26,341 --> 00:40:28,341 (CHEERING) 626 00:40:28,381 --> 00:40:30,661 Order! # You don't own me... 627 00:40:31,941 --> 00:40:35,701 Order!# I'm not just one of your many toys... 628 00:40:35,741 --> 00:40:38,781 Order! # You don't own me... 629 00:40:38,821 --> 00:40:43,621 (BANGS GAVEL) Order!# Don't say I can't go with other boys 630 00:40:45,901 --> 00:40:49,141 ♪ And don't tell me what to do 631 00:40:50,181 --> 00:40:53,381 ♪ Don't tell me what to say... Ho-ho! 632 00:40:53,421 --> 00:40:56,341 ♪ And please, when I go out with you... 633 00:40:56,381 --> 00:41:00,661 -We did it! -Yes, I did it.(LAUGHS) 634 00:41:02,541 --> 00:41:04,701 ♪ ..you don't owe me 635 00:41:06,101 --> 00:41:09,901 ♪ Don't try to change me in any way 636 00:41:09,941 --> 00:41:12,421 ♪ You don't own me... ♪ 637 00:41:15,541 --> 00:41:17,781 Will you sign your book, please, Miss Collins? 638 00:41:17,821 --> 00:41:19,821 -And this? -Oh! 639 00:41:19,861 --> 00:41:22,941 Well, I couldn't have done it without my supporting cast. 640 00:41:24,301 --> 00:41:26,341 My God, you can smile. 641 00:41:26,381 --> 00:41:28,981 You were all so completely stony-faced during the trial, 642 00:41:29,021 --> 00:41:31,141 -it terrified me. -We were told to. 643 00:41:31,181 --> 00:41:33,861 Never let anyone tell you what to do. 644 00:41:33,901 --> 00:41:36,061 Always be yourself. 645 00:41:42,101 --> 00:41:44,941 In answer to your question, Mr Callagy. 646 00:41:44,981 --> 00:41:47,421 No, I don't have any shame. 647 00:41:48,821 --> 00:41:50,981 But I do have $1 million. 648 00:41:52,661 --> 00:41:54,741 It's Joni, isn't it? 649 00:42:03,181 --> 00:42:05,181 Happy reading! 650 00:42:09,061 --> 00:42:11,981 -Miss Collins! -How do you feel, Miss Collins? 651 00:42:12,021 --> 00:42:15,661 Extremely, extremely, extremely happy. 652 00:42:16,661 --> 00:42:19,541 This has ended two years of absolute hell. 653 00:42:19,581 --> 00:42:23,021 They laughed at my writing, they called me a liar, 654 00:42:23,061 --> 00:42:25,421 they dragged my name through the mud. 655 00:42:25,461 --> 00:42:27,461 But I won. 656 00:42:27,501 --> 00:42:30,221 Let it be known that I did not take on this fight for me. 657 00:42:30,261 --> 00:42:32,261 Lord knows I don't need the money. 658 00:42:32,301 --> 00:42:35,461 I took on this fight for authors the world over. 659 00:42:35,501 --> 00:42:39,061 And I can now announce that this whole saga 660 00:42:39,101 --> 00:42:42,861 will be the last chapter in my new autobiography, 661 00:42:42,901 --> 00:42:44,501 Second Act. 662 00:42:44,541 --> 00:42:48,621 So, this story does have a happy ending! 663 00:42:51,301 --> 00:42:53,301 Good job! (APPLAUSE) 664 00:42:59,301 --> 00:43:01,741 -I love you. -Who can blame you? 665 00:43:01,781 --> 00:43:03,781 Make love to me. 666 00:43:03,821 --> 00:43:05,901 I thought you'd never ask. 667 00:43:13,821 --> 00:43:17,021 ♪ And don't tell me what to do 668 00:43:18,061 --> 00:43:21,381 ♪ Don't tell me what to say 669 00:43:21,421 --> 00:43:25,021 ♪ And please, when I go out with you 670 00:43:25,061 --> 00:43:30,181 ♪ Don't put me on display, cos 671 00:43:30,221 --> 00:43:32,741 ♪ You don't own me 672 00:43:33,981 --> 00:43:37,941 ♪ Don't try to change me in any way 673 00:43:37,981 --> 00:43:40,181 ♪ You don't own me 674 00:43:41,581 --> 00:43:45,461 ♪ Don't tie me down cos I'd never stay 675 00:43:48,021 --> 00:43:51,621 ♪ I don't tell you what to say 676 00:43:51,661 --> 00:43:55,461 ♪ I don't tell you what to do 677 00:43:55,501 --> 00:43:59,341 ♪ So, just let me be myself 678 00:43:59,381 --> 00:44:02,821 ♪ That's all I ask of you 679 00:44:02,861 --> 00:44:06,861 ♪ I'm young and I love to be young 680 00:44:06,901 --> 00:44:10,661 ♪ I'm free and I love to be free... ♪ 681 00:44:10,701 --> 00:44:12,701 Subtitles by Deluxe 682 00:44:12,741 --> 00:44:15,501 E-mail: AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk