You bitch! This is war.
And they say the history books are only written by the winners.
So, it looks like I'll need to buy myself a new pen.
Oh, I know when to stop all right.
Just after I've heard the thump, thump, thump
of me driving over something thick and empty.
Like your head.
You thought I was playing a game?
Sweetheart, you'll know when I'm playing games,
because I'll be holding a cricket bat and looking for a couple of balls.
Cut!
And that's a wrap on Miss Joan Collins
and that's a wrap on Dynasty!
Thank you, everyone!
This show would not be the success it is
without all the work you've done.
I know for many of you, this may be the end of the story, but for me,
it's merely the end of a chapter.
And a new chapter is just beginning.
Farewell.
Beautiful speech, Miss Collins. -Very moving! -Thank you, Steven.
Simon. It's been an honour to work with you these last few years.
I can imagine. Where will we see you next?
At the top of the best-seller list. I'm writing another novel.
Oh, following in the footsteps of your sister?
It's impossible for me to follow in Jackie's footsteps,
because believe it or not, I'm the older sister.
What's the book going to be about? I can't tell you the plot
or I'd have to kill you!
But it's going to be an epic story of glamour, sex, passion, betrayal,
-and sex. -That's a lot of sex! There'll be oodles of it.
I'm sure it'll create quite a scandal!
Goodbye, Steven.
Miss Collins. What an honour!
Alberto Vitale, CEO here at Random House.
But I gotta be honest, my main job is actually being
Joan Collins's No.1 fan. Look, I don't have long.
I'm brunching with Roger Moore, and you don't keep James Bond waiting.
The only reason I'm here is my agent Swifty
said I should take this meeting. You've got five minutes.
So, here at Random House, we have absolutely
the best people for you to work with.4.5 minutes.
This is Joni Evans. Joni is one of the best editors,
well, in the world. And No.1 Joan Collins fan.
He said that. You can't both be No.1.
I'm just gonna come out and say this. Miss Collins,
you are a modern-day Jane Austen.
Thank you. But of course, Jane didn't act as well.
Your previous novels, Prime Time, and Love
the moment I read them, I knew they were instant classics.
I get told that a lot. Three minutes.
Miss Collins, you'd be in great company here at Random House.
I promise I will champion you at every turn and Joni here
will be at your beck and call, 24/7. We can provide...
I've heard enough. I very much doubt you could afford me.
So, let's save ourselves a couple of minutes.
Thank you, and goodbye.
$2 million.
A million upfront, a million when you deliver your masterpiece.
Remind me of your names again.
♪ Tall and tan and young and lovely
♪ The girl from Ipanema goes walking
♪ And when she passes
♪ Each one she passes goes, "ah!"
♪ When she walks, she's like a samba that
♪ Swings so cool and sways so gently
♪ That when she passes
♪ Each one she passes goes, "ah!"
♪ Oh, but he watches her so sadly
♪ How... ♪
I hate it.
Are you going to let an editor talk to me like that, Alberto?
Yes. I hate it, too. What do you mean, "hate"?
--Strongly dislike. -Abhor. -Despise.
Yes, yes, we can all look up "hate" in the dictionary.
-Thesaurus. -Name one thing about the book you didn't like!
The plot is nonsensical. Characters are unbelievable.
-Littered with cliches. -Boring -to read. -The sex is excruciating!
Nobody has sex like that!
I said, "Name one thing."Joan, Random House cannot publish this.
The public adore me. The book would sell!
Oh, come on. You can't call this a book.
I mean, books have stories. This does have a story!
And what's more, it's a story that you gave me notes on.
Notes you patently ignored.
Just let me do another draft.
We could...spend more time together.
-Polishing it. -You can't polish...what this is.
It's dead, Joan.
Can't bring the dead back to life, like you did in Dallas.
Dynasty.
You'll be hearing from my agent.
Swifty will have your guts for garters.
By the way, I pity your poor husband.
Some of us do have sex like that.
Poor Swifty. He was only 86.
-He would've loved the service. More star-studded than The Oscars.
Wasn't easy having to sing the hymns stood next to Frank Sinatra.
That Madonna can't sing a note.
Champagne? It's what he would've wanted.
-Darling? -What is it? It's Random House.
-They're suing you. -What?!
Bastards!
Swifty's body not even cold.
They want their $1 million back. How dare they?!
I'll sue them right back. Well, don't do anything rash.
I'm not being rash! When have you ever known me to be rash?
-When you sued The Globe? -And I won!
Every woman should be allowed to sunbathe topless in her villa
in the south of France without some creep taking photos.
I thought Pinky and Perky looked positively majestic!
They always look majestic. But that's not the point.
I took The Globe to the cleaners, and I'll take Random House
to the cleaners. The book I wrote them was a best-seller.
You loved it, didn't you, darling?
Oh, Joanie, it was tour de force.
Like nothing I've ever read before, or I'm sure...
..will ever read again. Thank you, Monty.
Then, they haven't got a hope in hell.
I'll see them in court! Now, make love to me.
Er, I'd just like to let -those vol-au-vens settle. -Now!
Not like in the book though, please!
It's Day 1 of the showbiz trial of the decade,
with Dynasty star Joan Collins and indeed, literature itself,
both on trial. And you can watch the entire proceedings
on Court TV. Miss Collins, Miss Collins!
Are you worried you might have to give $1 million back?
Miss Collins, can we ask you a question?
Oh.
-Pen. -Are you sure about dressing down like this?
Trust me. Today, we don't want you looking like a star.
We want you looking like a victim!
Oh, OK. So, they got Robert Callagy.
-Is that good or bad? -Good for them. Not so good for us.
Is he a better lawyer than you?
The word I would use is "infinitely".
What have I done? I haven't got a hope in hell, have I?
Joan, we do have a chance.
Now, the case hinges on this.
In the deal Swifty struck with Random House,
you only had to deliver a complete manuscript.
Now, normally, a contract would demand a manuscript
that was complete and satisfactory.
So, what we have to argue is that your manuscript,
The Rules Of Passion, was complete.
-The Ruling Passion. -That.
Course it was complete! With 125,000 bloody words.
There you go.
-Did you read it? -Sure I did.
-Did you like it? -Gotta tell you.
Best book I read this year.
How many books have you read this year?
We should probably get a coffee before this thing starts.
Why don't you just lie? I thought that's what lawyers were good at.
There's a lot of cameras. Well, I guess you must be
used to this kind of thing. I'm not used to this!
I'm used to having a script, and retakes!
You'll be fine, just don't look the jury in the eye.
And Joan, this is very important. Try not to insult anyone, OK?
Even if the bitch has got it coming to her?
Especially if the bitch has got it coming to her!
All rise.
Right, let's get this done.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Random House vs Joan Collins.
You must decide whether Ms Collins completed the manuscript
that Random has paid her $1 million to write.
I'm told Joan Collins is an actress in a soap opera.
-It's a drama! -But don't let her fame influence your verdict.
We'll start with opening statements, please?
On behalf of Random House, Mr Callagy.
You just watch him. This is gonna be great.
Thank you, Your Honour. Here we go...
It's really a very simple case.
Under the contract, Joan Collins had to deliver a complete manuscript.
I emphasise the word "complete".
Miss Collins may have written 125,000 words,
but if those meandering words make no sense whatsoever,
how can her book, if we can call it that, ever be considered complete?
It is Random House's contention that the defendant has to return
the advance of $1 million. Throughout this case,
I will remind you, the hard-working men and women of the jury,
that Miss Collins is a professional actress.
So, don't be suckered in when she plays the victim.
For in this case, she is anything but. Thank you.
Mr Burrows?
We will argue that "complete" is a quantity term,
not a "quality" term.
-Is that it? -Less is more. Not always, in my experience.
Why not say The Ruling Passion is quality? Tell them that!
That is not what we're here to argue, Joan.
Please, you have to trust me. Mr Callagy,
do you want to call your -first witness? -Thank you, judge.
The plaintiff calls Miss Joni Evans.
I've been looking forward to this.
Miss Evans, do you swear the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?
-I do. -Bet the bitch would reject that book, too!
Miss Evans, you worked at Random House as an editor.
Before The Ruling Passion was written,
you had a few meetings with Joan, correct?
-Yes. -What was discussed in those meetings?
We were trying to come up with a credible plot.
So, Joni and I agreed on the plot.
A story about a Princess Diana type, and her sister.
Only in Monaco.
One has a miscarriage, the other one has a husband
who's as gay as a daffodil...
Once Joni and I had agreed on that plot,
then I jetted to the Riviera to write.
So, when you returned, what did Miss Evans make of your work?
She told me the plot was, in her words,
absolutely diabolical.
-And what did you say to her? -I said, "Joni, this is the plot we agreed!"
And Joni just said, "Well, I made a mistake."
What was your reaction on receiving the manuscript from Joan Collins?
I remember feeling alarmed, that it was very...primitive.
When you say primitive, what do you mean by that?
Well, it was not credible. Jumbled and disjointed,
it was utter garbage, frankly.
Did you try to give Miss Collins help on her book?
I told her if it needs a writer who will work with you,
let's find that writer. If it needs an editor or two editors
or five editors, let's do that.
Did she take you up on the offer? No.
The bitch!
Did you have something to add, Miss Collins?
Ah, no, my client just...sneezed, Your Honour.
I repeatedly begged Joni Evans for some face-to-face meetings.
And how did she respond?
She was too busy, staying with Jeffrey Archer.
Who is Jeffrey Archer?
Who is Lord Jeffrey Archer? Yes, who is Lord Jeffrey Archer?
Lord Jeffrey Archer is not only an incredibly principled politician,
he's also the Charles Dickens of our day.
And hosts the most wonderful champagne and shepherd's pie parties.
I didn't get the invite.
Yes, I admit I did go to Jeffrey Archer's house.
-Which one? -The one in The Bahamas.
Nice, and how long were you there for? A day, a long weekend?
-A month. -During this sun-soaked month
in a millionaire's tropical mansion, it was just you,
beavering away on Jeffrey's -latest offering? -No.
How many editors were -out there with you? -Just two.
So, just you and one other person? No, me and two others.
So, three editors for one month in The Bahamas,
all to help Lord Jeffrey Archer,
an author who's already sold over 200 million books.
Well, unlike Joan's book,
Jeff's was actually salvageable.
The contract Joan Collins signed says she needed to turn in
a complete manuscript of 125,000 words.
-Is that correct? -Yes.
Many contracts at Random House say the author needs to turn in
a complete and satisfactory manuscript.
Why was the wording different for Miss Collins?
Her agent at the time, Swifty Lazar, insisted on it.
Or he would take the book off to another publisher.
So, is Miss Collins's manuscript, The Ruling Passion, complete?
It's complete something.
Let me rephrase the question.
Did Miss Collins just randomly write
125,000 words in no particular order?
Yes.
-Excuse me? -Yes.
You're saying yes, she did?
Yes, she did.
So, uh... I just...
OK, so,
these 125,000 words were...
Were just arbitrary?
It wasn't gibberish, but it wasn't what anyone would call a book.
So, you're saying a monkey with a typewriter
could have written The Ruling Passion?
Given enough time, sure.
-Joan, Joan! -No questions, please.
What's it like to have your work trashed on live TV?
Will you have to stop writing now? I said no questions.
Have you spent the million dollars already?
Are you broke, now Dynasty's cancelled?
Is it true your book could've been written
by a monkey with a typewriter?
Darling, you were wonderful today. I was glued to the television.
-Bra-vo! -It was a disaster.
"Disaster" is a strong word. All right, how about "catastrophe"?
Joan, you're being melodramatic. Monty, if I lose this case,
I'm ruined. I don't have the advance. The money is long gone.
It's a million dollars, you can't have spent all of it.
It's not cheap being Joan Collins!
The public expect me to look the part, day and night.
They don't realise it's all just a fantasy.
There's this case, the tax man, Swifty's share,
which he took to the grave, and of course, Savile Row suits for you.
I'm Mr Joan Collins, I need to look the part.
Darling, I didn't mean to snap at you, but
for the first time in my life, I'm frightened.
Promise you'll visit me in prison.
You don't get sent to prison for writing a terrible book.
Oh, so now you think it's terrible?
No, no, I'm not saying that. That's what they were saying in court!
What would you give The Ruling Passion out of 10?
-10. -You hesitated.11.
That's better.
Make love to me.
Maybe we should just finish our champagne first.
OK. Here we go again.
Court is in session. Mr Callagy?
I'd like to call Miss Lucianne Goldberg to the stand.
-Who is this woman? -She's an editor and a ghost writer.
Miss Goldberg, have you read Miss Collins's manuscript
for The Ruling Passion? I have, several times.
Perhaps you could summarise what the book is about?
Well, I'll try.
There are two sisters, I think. One of them is pregnant,
except then, she's not. There are a few hunks.
Someone's gay, and there's a whole lot of sex.
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex!
It's a mess. Even the sex is a mess.
OK, can we focus in on the story?
Objection, Your Honour.
This case is not about whether the story makes sense.
Overruled.
Do you remember, one of the sisters, Desiree, starting taking pills?
She developed a drug problem. Sure, I remember.
And suddenly, there's no mention of a drug problem whatsoever.
So, what happened?
It's a miracle!
And at one point, Desiree has a heart operation
caused by a stroke, from the chemotherapy, of course.
And this is all before the coma.
Now, from the midway part of the book,
none of these terminal problems were ever mentioned again.
Now, how do you account for that? Another miracle!
I'd like you to read page 96, the first five lines.
"'What's wrong, my little cabbage?' He pouted sweetly.
"'How dare you, Pascal?! I'm not anyone's little cabbage.
"'Least of all, yours.'"
"She lowered her voice to a whisper.
"'You're still gay, aren't you?
"'Even after last night!'"
-Who's Pascal? -I have absolutely no idea.
Except that he likes cabbages, and he might still be gay.
I have no more questions, Your Honour.
Mr Burrows, your witness.
Good luck.
Miss Goldberg, it is I think clear to everyone here
that as far as The Ruling Passion is concerned,
there is some room for improvement.
Who's side are you on?!
We've heard a lot of negative opinion about the book,
but what were its merits?
It's the right weight for a book.
So, there was nothing in those 125,000 words you found enjoyable,
nothing at all. Oh, sure, I enjoyed it.
I'm just not sure if the bits I enjoyed were...intentional.
Let's cut to the chase, Miss Goldberg.
In your experience as an editor, is the book fixable?
-Objection! -Overruled.
Well, I'd have to take a pencil and some scissors to it.
The question, Miss Goldberg, was is it fixable?
Oh, sure, it was fixable.
Just like Desiree's drug addiction, heart attack and terminal cancer!
Is The Ruling Passion a complete manuscript?
-Objection! -Overruled.
Is The Ruling Passion a complete manuscript?
Absolutely.
No further questions.
No, don't.
Joan, don't be upset. You're doing great.
Wish I could say the same for you! We're on top here.
Lucianne has just put us in the driving seat.
Didn't you hear her say your book was a complete manuscript?
I couldn't hear anything over the mocking laughter.
Mustn't take it personally. It is personal!
Making me out to be some sort of village idiot,
who couldn't write a shopping list. Surely Joan Collins
has someone to write her shopping lists for her?
Of course I do. Many of them, but that's not the point.
I put my heart and soul into that book.
Whether you did or you didn't doesn't matter.
It matters to me!
My literary career is all I have now.
Roles like Alexis don't come around again for an actress of my age.
You may not believe this, Ken.
But I'm 62.
--No? -You hesitated! -No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
I know hesitation when I hear it.
I'm three years off getting my free bus pass!
Well, every cloud. This is hard, Ken.
It's harder than I ever thought it would be.
I honestly don't think I can hold it together if that bastard
-calls me to the stand! -There is no way that is gonna happen.
You said you delivered a complete manuscript,
the expert has agreed. What else is there to ask you about?
Going over the same ground's only gonna weaken his case.
You mark my words. Callagy won't dare call you today.
-How do I look? -Absolute perfection. Too fast this time.
And on it goes. Mr Callagy?
The next witness, please. I'd like to call to the stand
Miss Joan Collins.
Miss Collins?
Did you think that The Ruling Passion was good enough?
Good enough for what? Answer the question,
at the time that you submitted it, did you think it was good enough?
-Good enough for what? -Did you think the manuscript you delivered
was good enough for anything? Good enough for anything? Um...
-..yes. -That's interesting. Because in 1992, you took The Globe newspaper
to court, because they took pictures of you topless
in the south of France at your villa. Isn't that correct?
-Uh, objection. -Overruled.
Yes, that's correct. And during that trial,
you testified that you were so upset, you claimed
you could not concentrate to write The Ruling Passion.
-Is that correct? -Yes.
Miss Collins, this is the testimony from that trial,
what you gave under oath. May I approach the bench?
Please do.
Would you read page 126, line No.7?
And remember, you told this jury under oath,
that you thought The Ruling Passion was good enough for anything.
"I just knew it wasn't good enough."
And that was truthful at the time, wasn't it?
It was partially truthful. Wait a minute, you were under oath
at the Globe trial, weren't you?
Yes, but I...The question.
Miss Collins, I remind you that when you take the oath
and you swear on the Bible, it's for the whole truth,
not a part truth. -Do you understand that? -Yes.
Yes.
So, what you're saying is, that you told one jury one thing
when you were suing for $20 million and you tell this jury
another story, so that you don't have to return a $1 million advance.
-Yes or no? -No, I haven't... No is the answer. Next question.
-Have you no shame? -Objection! Sustained.
I have no more questions.
Thank you, Miss Collins. That'll be all, for now.
OK, court is adjourned. See you tomorrow.
Mm.
What's the matter, darling? You've barely touched your caviar.
I can't eat at a time like this.
-I'm sick with worry! -Just ignore what the newspapers are saying.
What have they been saying? As for that David Letterman,
he deserves a bloody good biff on the nose!
Has he made a joke about me? One or two.
But his jokes just aren't funny. You actually look
-fabulous for your age. -Are you trying to upset me, Monty?
No! I'm trying to make you feel better.
People have been saying it's great to have you back on the box.
-On Court TV?! -It's actually fantastic entertainment.
Well, I'm glad you found it entertaining, watching my life
unravel before the world. Have some more bubbly!
Monty, I don't think you understand.
If I lose this case, we lose everything.
I don't think you have anything to worry about.
The jury should be on your side by now.
They must have lapped up those crocodile tears.
A stroke of genius. I almost believed them myself!
How dare you? Those tears were real!
I don't think you have the slightest idea how distressing
this case has been for me. I'm beginning to wonder
if you know me at all. Oh, darling, I was just trying...
I'm going to bed, and that's not an invitation.
Tonight, you can sleep on the couch.
-In court today, an almost unrecognisable Joan Collins
was a shadow of her former self, as she was accused of lying under oath.
Joan Collins is so old, she wrote her first book
on stone tablets.
I know! I shouldn't be rude, it sold very well.
It kept The Ten Commandments off the top of the best-seller list.
Call me a bitch, see if I care!
I make no apology for being a woman who goes out there
and gets what she wants, every single time.
Look at you.
What have you become?
Don't ignore me, Joan.
--Me? -Yes, you! -Hey!
You've become a punchline.
How are you talking to me?
It's a dream sequence, the sort of thing we used to do in Dynasty.
Joan, what happened to you in that court room?
You let them walk all over you like the door mat at The Savoy.
Where was Joan? All I could see was some meek little beige woman.
That's who I am.
A meek little beige woman who writes trashy novels.
And apparently, I'm not even any good at that.
Don't make me come out of this TV and slap you.
Of course that's not who you are!
You're a ball-breaker. And when I look around that court room,
all I see is a lot of balls that are still intact.
Lovely speech, but this is my real life.
-It's not Dynasty. -You're the star!
Why don't you behave like one?
I'm not a star any more.
If I'm honest,
I don't know who I am.
I'll tell you who you are.
You're Joan bloody Collins!
Don't you ever forget that.
-Where's your client? -I don't know.
She'll be in contempt of court.
What are you wearing?
Haute couture.
And before you ask, I don't think they have it in your size.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
and welcome to the grand finale. Don't look the jury in the eye!
We did it your way. Now, we're going to do it my way.
Nice of you to join us!
Let's begin. Mr Callagy.
I wish to call Miss Joan Collins to the stand.
Joan?
Your Honour, she's taking too long. Overruled!
Joan, please.
I love what you're wearing. We could be twins!
Please, Miss Collins.
Sorry!
-You may begin. -Miss Collins,
did Random House ever say to you that your manuscript,
the one you submitted, was not good enough?
What is this, Mr Callagy? A memory test?
Answer the question.
Yes, at same point.
Yes is the answer.
Now, would you look at page 113, line 6?
-In my book? -No, in your deposition.
You need to be clear, Mr Callagy.
It's what Random House is paying you squillions for.
In your deposition, which you gave under oath
when I questioned about this case,
what was your answer to that question then?
What was what answer to what question when?
Did Random House ever tell you that the manuscript you submitted
was not good enough?
No.
Good. Now, page 1.
In my book or the deposition? In your book.
You're confusing me. Well, let me help you.
Oh, Mr Callagy, you're not supposed to come close to me
without asking permission.
Your honour, may I approach? You may approach.
That's quite close enough!
Is it true that your manuscript was in such a terrible state,
that you couldn't find the title? I gave it many titles.
So incomplete was your writing, that at one moment,
you called your book The Ruling Passion.
Another, Hell To Pay.
And then, Lie Back And Think Of England.
I've come up with a lot names for you during this trial, Mr Callagy.
But that doesn't mean I don't know exactly what you are.
Are there any further questions? No further questions.
The defence rests, Your Honour.
I'd like to say a few words. Please, Miss Collins. Sit back down!
This is David versus Goliath.
Goliath, the international publishing empire Random House,
versus me.
A humble, jobbing actress.
Mr Burrows, can you -control your client? -Nope.
They have attempted to humiliate me by trashing my unedited manuscript.
I wrote them a book.
I put my heart and soul into that book.
And yes...
..mad, crazy things happen in it!
But don't mad, crazy things happen in life?
Nobody held a gun to their heads to give me all that money.
I kept my end of the bargain,
but they did not uphold theirs.
David versus Goliath.
We all know how that story ends in the Bible.
Is that really a story you want to rewrite?
Call me old-fashioned,
but I prefer God's version.
Finished?
Yes.
-You may continue. -Thank you.
Jury, you may now deliberate.
What the hell were you doing in there?
Being myself, Joan bloody Collins!
Well, I hope that little performance was worth $1 million,
because that's what it looks like it's cost you.
We're back.
All rise.
With respect to the allegation that Joan Collins
failed to deliver a complete manuscript...
..how do you find the defendant?
Not guilty.
Yeah!
Order! # You don't own me...
Order!# I'm not just one of your many toys...
Order! # You don't own me...
Order!# Don't say I can't go with other boys
♪ And don't tell me what to do
♪ Don't tell me what to say... Ho-ho!
♪ And please, when I go out with you...
-We did it! -Yes, I did it.
♪ ..you don't owe me
♪ Don't try to change me in any way
♪ You don't own me... ♪
Will you sign your book, please, Miss Collins?
-And this? -Oh!
Well, I couldn't have done it without my supporting cast.
My God, you can smile.
You were all so completely stony-faced during the trial,
-it terrified me. -We were told to.
Never let anyone tell you what to do.
Always be yourself.
In answer to your question, Mr Callagy.
No, I don't have any shame.
But I do have $1 million.
It's Joni, isn't it?
Happy reading!
-Miss Collins! -How do you feel, Miss Collins?
Extremely, extremely, extremely happy.
This has ended two years of absolute hell.
They laughed at my writing, they called me a liar,
they dragged my name through the mud.
But I won.
Let it be known that I did not take on this fight for me.
Lord knows I don't need the money.
I took on this fight for authors the world over.
And I can now announce that this whole saga
will be the last chapter in my new autobiography,
Second Act.
So, this story does have a happy ending!
Good job!
-I love you. -Who can blame you?
Make love to me.
I thought you'd never ask.
♪ And don't tell me what to do
♪ Don't tell me what to say
♪ And please, when I go out with you
♪ Don't put me on display, cos
♪ You don't own me
♪ Don't try to change me in any way
♪ You don't own me
♪ Don't tie me down cos I'd never stay
♪ I don't tell you what to say
♪ I don't tell you what to do
♪ So, just let me be myself
♪ That's all I ask of you
♪ I'm young and I love to be young
♪ I'm free and I love to be free... ♪
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