This programme contains very strong language from the outset and throughout.
♪ Thank You For Being A Friend
Ooh, I LOVE this!
Of course...you know WHY we love -this show so much, don't you? -Hm...
WE'RE the Golden Girls.
Old dears! Old?!
Hanging out together.
Lonely! Speak for your bloody self, dear.
I'm Rose, of course - sweet and kind.
Incredibly annoying.
You're Sophia. Why the bloody hell am I Sophia?
She's 4ft tall and 90!
But she does go like a bloody train.
Ooh! (PEALS OF LAUGHTER)
(GIGGLES) My God!
Diana, you're Blanche cos she...
Dirty bitch! (GIGGLES)
I mean, honestly, I expect that sort of behaviour of this one,
but YOU - a princess.
Oh, listen, boys, just tonight,
I'd just awfully like to NOT be a princess.
What would you rather be -
a plasterer? (GUFFAWS)
Get the fucking drinks in, love! (LAUGHS)
Much better.
Yah.
Oh, Ken, where's the bell for your butler?
Oh, isn't she funny?
(GIGGLES)
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Princess of Wales! Sod off, Ken.
(DOOR BUZZER)
(HUMS CHEERFULLY)
(SILLY VOICE) Hello! MAN: Taxi, Mr Everett.
Oh. Where are we going?
Oh...
No, we'd booked it before you came over.
It's OK. I'll just cancel. No, you bloody won't!
I'm not going to get fucked sitting here, am I?
Well, if anyone can conjure a dick out of thin air,
it's you. (GIGGLES)
(DOOR BUZZER)
You SHALL go the ball, Ken, my dear.
There's two of us.
It's not that we don't want you to come,
but it's...erm...
Honestly, you wouldn't like it. Why not?
Awful place.
Very rough, very dark.
Full of big sweaty, horrible men.
So why are YOU going?
Big sweaty, horrible men!
Sounds jolly nice, actually.
Honestly, it definitely ain't the Ritz, darling.
It's OK.
I understand.
Oh, for goodness' sake, why can't she come?
Let the girl have some fun.
Oh, yes, Fred, very clever (!)
I can just see tomorrow's headlines.
'Princess of Wales pictured in gay club.
Off her head on poppers.'
What if they don't know it's HER?
Freddie...
I can't walk to Marks without 40 people shouting,
'It's all in the best possible taste!'
I bet you've only got to open your window
before people start giving it all that:
♪ I see a little silhouetto of a man
Fuck off. # Scaramouch!
My point is...darling,
how on earth are we going to smuggle the most famous woman in the world
into the maddest gay bar in London without anyone knowing it's her?
I think we should just stay in.
Don't be such a boring old pouf.
Come on, dear, the bloody suspense is killing us.
Well, what do you think?
Well...
I prefer 'em a little butcher myself,
but...
you do make an awfully pretty boy.
Now try the voice.
I'm Jeremy.
Pleased to meet yer.
Is that Northern? Try another one.
(FAKE COCKNEY) All right?
Ain't you a lovely-lookin' fella?
Oh, if I were you, I'd stay quiet.
Let's go. Ooh!
Isn't this jolly fun?
(CHUCKLES)
What? Oh, no, I was just wondering
if maybe we should dress down a little too, you know?
I don't think you could, dear. You look like Ena fucking Sharples.
Thanks, Fred (!)
No, I mean, so we don't attract attention.
Oh, well, I think the more attention on US
the less attention on HER, don't you?
And I do find things happen much quicker
when people know I'm Freddie Mercury.
Well, that's fine if you just want...
you know?
Well, I do and... I do.
Well, I don't.
(MELODRAMATICALLY) I'm lonely, Fred.
You can say it in your normal voice, you know?
I'm lonely. How long do I have to wait, boys?
Coming, dear.
Well, if you don't want to be Kenny Everett,
put this on, pull it down...
Perfect.
'Who's that mystery man?' they'll say.
Ena fucking Sharples...
in a hat.
Thank you, by the way.
It's honestly so nice to be out having a normal night.
Normal?! Normal?
Normal? Sorry.
Well, if this is normal, my dear,
what on earth must the bloody Palace be like?
Oh, it's mental. You saw It's A Royal Knockout, didn't you?
They're like that all the time. Fucking awful.
It's like being on the Moon.
She's drunk!
Well, that's what I always thought.
It just feels awfully remote and silent.
And then I get wheeled out -
the Princess - at some function,
and everybody stops and turns
and waits to hear what I've got to say, and...
well, I've been doing nothing.
Just...
on the Moon.
So what am I going to say?
(SILLY VOICE) Moon was nice.
Moon was lovely, very peaceful this time of year.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, anyway, thank you ever so.
Ooh, we're a right bloody bunch, we are.
Well, here's to a normal night.
♪ La-la-la la-la-la-la
♪ La-la la-la-la la-la la-la-la-la
♪ La-la la-la-la-la
♪ La-la la-la-la la-la la-la-la-la
♪ La-la-la
(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)
♪ MY name is MacNamara, I'm the leader of the band
It's only a Wednesday, darling.
You should see it on a Saturday.
Just play it cool, OK? Come on.
Sorry!
Well, it's awfully bloody dark in these glasses.
For goodness' sake, stop it.
Are you sure someone won't recognise me?
♪ Ooh, and Henessee Tennessee tootles the flute
♪ My word, 'tis something grand
Hey! Hello, dear.
♪ Is MacNamara's band
Evening. # La-la la-la-la-la
♪ La-la la-la-la la-la la-la-la-la Who's this?
Your boyfriend?
Something like that.
Kenny, I need the lavatory. Is there a loo?
♪ Whenever an election's on
♪ We play on either side
♪ The way we play our fine old airs
♪ Fills Irish hearts with pride
♪ Oh, if poor Tom Moore was living now, he'd make you understand
Thank you.
I almost think she's bloody gone and done it!
Yes, but where's Di, dear?
She's just here.
Oh, fuck!
♪ Ooh, and Henessee Tennessee tootles the flute
♪ My word, 'tis something grand
♪ A credit to old Ireland, boys, is MacNamara's band
♪ La-la-la
♪ La-la la-la
♪ La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la
♪ La-la la-la
♪ La-la la-la-la
♪ La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la
Ken!
Kenny, I really...
(WHISTLING)
♪ La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la
(MURMURS)
♪ La-la la-la-la-la
♪ La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la
♪ La-la-la
♪ La-la la la-la-la
What do you mean, she's gone? Well, you know how she was here?!
(GASPS) Oh, my God, Freddie, we've lost the Princess of Wales!
♪ La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la
♪ La-la-la! ♪
(DANCE MUSIC AND CHATTER)
Sorry, busy.
Well, go and find her. Why me?
Because this whole stupid thing was your idea.
But you're in disguise.
Bi-atch!
How did it go? Killed it.
Showtime, motherfuckers!
I am coming to get you!
(DOOR SHUTS)
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(GROANS)
(Oh, come on, you bastard.)
Careful, darling, no wig.
I'm sorry. I'm ever so sorry.
I... (DEEPENS VOICE) I'm sorry.
(GULPS) No, you're all right.
At least you flushed! (POLITE LAUGH)
Put your hand back.
(GASPS) Oh, Je...
Jesus Christ.
It's... It's YOU?
Er...yeah.
I suppose it is.
Oh... Well, I should probably...
My friends will... Yeah.
Unless you want a hand with your dress.
Oh, no, I don't like people seeing... Yeah.
No, honestly... It's really no bother.
I...
I'm not looking my best.
I don't mind. Really?
Of course I don't.
I'm sorry about my skin. It's...
It's fine.
What about your friends?
Oh, well, they'll be all right for a minute.
Probably haven't even noticed I've gone.
Where the fuck is she?
Excuse me.
I don't suppose... What's that, mate?
Oh, I was just wondering if...
It's too loud. You're gonna have to...
What did you say, mate? Are you looking for someone?
I was.
I am, actually.
What's YOUR name?
Tony. What's yours?
Now, that would be telling, wouldn't it?
Well, I bet you're wishing I'd kept my dress on now.
(LAUGHS)
Sorry.
(CHUCKLES) For what?
I... (SPLUTTERS)
I go round town with four jumpers on.
No-one's ever seen the state of me.
Nobody except, well,
Princess bloody Diana!
(SYMPATHETIC LAUGH)
What's with the... Oh. I...
I thought I might try and blend in for once, have a normal night.
Normal? Feel like I'm tripping!
Mm.
You know, I watched it over and over.
The wedding. Oh.
I thought it was the most beautiful thing.
YOU were the most beautiful thing.
If I'd known then that you...
well, there would've been a million things
I would have wanted to ask you.
Oh, well...
I never really have anything interesting to say.
It doesn't matter.
I can't think of anything to ask.
(SIGHS)
Not now anyway.
(SOBS SOFTLY)
Sorry.
It's OK. I know. (SNIFFS)
I just...
I don't cry.
(SIGHS)
I wish you'd seen me before.
Not that you'd have any...reason to.
I just...
I was...
Jesus, I was gorgeous.
I'm on the Town Planning Committee of the council.
Fascinating. And what is it you do?
Oh...
You know, boring.
Tell me more about YOU.
What are you doing?
We have lost Princess bloody Diana.
(Oh, don't panic, Fred.)
He doesn't recognise me.
He was just talking to me.
About what? Town planning.
Ooh!
Oh, you don't get it. There's no catchphrases.
No 'In the best possible taste!'
Lovely!
Hi, Freddie.
Hello, darling.
(CHUCKLES)
I know this isn't like the done thing,
but can I just say I'm a massive fan?
Can I buy you a drink? What are you doing?
We were just talking. Oh.
Yeah, it's nice to meet you and that,
but, well, this is Freddie Mercury.
And I'm...
Kenny Everett!
Off the telly?
Oh, I don't... I'm not much for the telly.
I've got a bit of gear if you'd rather.
Oh, go on. Why the hell not? Where do you want to...
Cupid Stunt? You'll have seen Cupid Stunt.
What about the table? Too sticky.
It's a joke. What about the loo?
It's always bloody busy in there. Come on, Sid Snot?
'Hello, lads, it's Snot here.'
There must be somewhere else flat and clean?
Honestly, like that...
the whole world's turned inside out and upside down.
But this illness is...
We've got so much we want to tell people,
but no fucker wants to listen.
What? No, it's just...
..well, I've got absolutely nothing to say,
and everybody wants to listen.
It's all in the best possible taste!
Freddie, what are we doing?
This is ridiculous.
I know. It's so wrinkly and sweaty,
it's not happening at all.
No.
Freddie, dear, we've lost our friend, you know,
who also just happens to be the most famous woman in the world
in this packed, rowdiest, punk gay bar.
We need to find her, and we're not going to be able to do that
unless we stop attracting bloody attention to ourselves.
Now, let's get a move on. I wonder how keen you'd be
to get a move on if YOU were getting all the attention.
I could get him if I wanted him, you know?
I don't, but I could, if I did.
Excuse me, Kenny.
Yes?
Oh, no. Excuse me, Kenny.
So, Freddie, can I give you a call some time?
(MUTTERS)
Come here!
Bitch!
Slut!
I've seen things in these last few years.
Amazing things.
Guys nursing their blokes -
reading to them, singing to them,
feeding them,
cleaning the shit off of them,
holding them while they die.
I did it.
When I first met him -
Terry - he was...
well, something else.
Big bloke, you know?
Took care of himself.
Legs like... (CHUCKLES)
Not in the end, more like...
I know!
'Peepee.'
(BITTER LAUGH)
Those were his last words.
All of a sudden, he had this panicked little look on his face
because he didn't want to mess himself.
Like a little boy he was, in the end.
'Peepee.' He always said 'piss', you know?
'Wazz' sometimes, but...
He was lucky to have you.
He was,
cos it was OK for him to be a little boy.
Weak and helpless
because he had someone who knew...
who really knew
how brave and how strong he was.
And now I need to go back home
cos he went first.
I need to go back to my mum and dad...
..and I'll be thin and I'll go blind
and I'll look anything but fucking brave and strong,
and they'll watch me fade away
and they'll think it's...
all my fault.
Wages of sin and all that,
and they won't know
and they'll try and remember the better times,
before I got sick.
They'll remember the old me...
the sad, unhappy...little me.
Cos they never knew the happy me,
down here, or the brave me.
No-one's going to remember that me.
Cos there'll be no-one left. No-one that cared.
No-one that was here. You know?
I don't know that I understand.
Oh, sweetheart.
There are so many of us, going or gone.
Half of them out there. More.
All of us - sometimes - it feels like.
I know.
It doesn't look like it, does it?
All cheering and dancing and fucking.
No.
Why are they all dancing?
What else are we gonna do?
Lived our whole lives - most of us -
alone, different.
I'm not different.
Wrong?
And then we... We find a place like this.
And it all finally makes sense.
And maybe we don't want them to take it away.
Maybe we just want to feel normal.
In here...
for a night.
That's all I want.
That's all?
Oh, that and my bloody health
and a million pounds and a shag,
but...you know,
you don't see many people climbing around me these days
looking for some action. (SCOFFS)
Or even a fucking hug or a kiss.
Yeah. I meant off a bloke.
Oh! (LAUGHS)
You know I'm gay, right?
Yes, darling, I had realised.
But thanks.
(HUBBUB)
There you are. We thought you'd been kidnapped by anarchists.
(LAUGHS) So...
THESE are your friends?
Yes.
How's that normal night working for you?(CHUCKLES)
Shall we make a move? Yes.
Erm...but before that,
could we not have a little dance?
That is what you normally do in a club, isn't it?
♪ NEW ORDER: Blue Monday
♪ How does it feel
♪ To treat me like you do
♪ When you've laid your hands upon me
♪ And told me who you are? ♪
Oh, thank you for taking me out.
Sorry it wasn't exactly normal, my love.
I don't think either of you two could ever have a normal night.
And I hope that never changes.
Everything's changing, my dear.
I mean, come on, I'm going home alone.
I only ever go out to find someone to stay IN with these days.
You know, I think the next time people turn around
expecting me to talk,
I should actually say something.
Let's get a taxi.
Nonsense.
I've spied a far more appropriate carriage for royalty.
(WHOOPS)
(TRIUMPHANT LAUGH)
Come on, my dear. Getting in...
(WHOOPS)
OK.
Ready? Go!
Whoo!
♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me
♪ And the card attached would say
♪ Thank you for being a friend
♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪
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