1 00:00:01,021 --> 00:00:06,021 This programme contains very strong language from the outset and throughout. 2 00:00:20,021 --> 00:00:21,741 ♪ Thank You For Being A Friend 3 00:00:24,261 --> 00:00:25,941 Ooh, I LOVE this! 4 00:00:25,981 --> 00:00:29,901 Of course...you know WHY we love -this show so much, don't you? -Hm... 5 00:00:29,941 --> 00:00:31,981 WE'RE the Golden Girls. 6 00:00:32,981 --> 00:00:34,701 Old dears! Old?! 7 00:00:34,741 --> 00:00:36,061 Hanging out together. 8 00:00:36,101 --> 00:00:39,261 Lonely! Speak for your bloody self, dear. 9 00:00:39,301 --> 00:00:41,901 I'm Rose, of course - sweet and kind. 10 00:00:41,941 --> 00:00:43,661 Incredibly annoying. 11 00:00:43,701 --> 00:00:46,061 You're Sophia. Why the bloody hell am I Sophia? 12 00:00:46,101 --> 00:00:48,421 She's 4ft tall and 90! 13 00:00:48,461 --> 00:00:50,461 But she does go like a bloody train. 14 00:00:50,501 --> 00:00:53,141 Ooh! (PEALS OF LAUGHTER) 15 00:00:53,181 --> 00:00:55,021 (GIGGLES) My God! 16 00:00:55,061 --> 00:00:57,621 Diana, you're Blanche cos she... 17 00:00:57,661 --> 00:00:59,741 Dirty bitch! (GIGGLES) 18 00:00:59,781 --> 00:01:02,781 I mean, honestly, I expect that sort of behaviour of this one, 19 00:01:02,821 --> 00:01:05,261 but YOU - a princess. 20 00:01:05,301 --> 00:01:08,541 Oh, listen, boys, just tonight, 21 00:01:08,581 --> 00:01:10,901 I'd just awfully like to NOT be a princess. 22 00:01:10,941 --> 00:01:12,541 What would you rather be - 23 00:01:12,581 --> 00:01:14,261 a plasterer? (GUFFAWS) 24 00:01:14,301 --> 00:01:16,381 Get the fucking drinks in, love! (LAUGHS) 25 00:01:16,421 --> 00:01:18,181 Much better. 26 00:01:18,221 --> 00:01:20,021 Yah. 27 00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:23,581 Oh, Ken, where's the bell for your butler? 28 00:01:23,621 --> 00:01:25,341 Oh, isn't she funny? 29 00:01:25,381 --> 00:01:27,341 (GIGGLES) 30 00:01:27,381 --> 00:01:28,741 Ladies and gentlemen, 31 00:01:28,781 --> 00:01:30,981 the Princess of Wales! Sod off, Ken. 32 00:01:31,021 --> 00:01:32,981 (DOOR BUZZER) 33 00:01:33,021 --> 00:01:35,021 (HUMS CHEERFULLY) 34 00:01:37,061 --> 00:01:39,941 (SILLY VOICE) Hello! MAN: Taxi, Mr Everett. 35 00:01:40,981 --> 00:01:42,661 Oh. Where are we going? 36 00:01:42,701 --> 00:01:44,741 Oh... 37 00:01:44,781 --> 00:01:47,381 No, we'd booked it before you came over. 38 00:01:47,421 --> 00:01:50,141 It's OK. I'll just cancel. No, you bloody won't! 39 00:01:50,181 --> 00:01:52,541 I'm not going to get fucked sitting here, am I? 40 00:01:52,581 --> 00:01:55,941 Well, if anyone can conjure a dick out of thin air, 41 00:01:55,981 --> 00:01:57,181 it's you. (GIGGLES) 42 00:01:57,221 --> 00:01:58,981 (DOOR BUZZER) 43 00:02:00,781 --> 00:02:03,141 (DOOR BUZZER) You SHALL go the ball, Ken, my dear. 44 00:02:03,181 --> 00:02:04,901 There's two of us. 45 00:02:04,941 --> 00:02:07,181 It's not that we don't want you to come, 46 00:02:07,221 --> 00:02:09,381 but it's...erm... 47 00:02:09,421 --> 00:02:11,621 Honestly, you wouldn't like it. Why not? 48 00:02:11,661 --> 00:02:13,661 Awful place. 49 00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:15,741 Very rough, very dark. 50 00:02:15,781 --> 00:02:17,781 Full of big sweaty, horrible men. 51 00:02:17,821 --> 00:02:19,101 So why are YOU going? 52 00:02:19,141 --> 00:02:21,141 Big sweaty, horrible men! 53 00:02:21,181 --> 00:02:23,621 Sounds jolly nice, actually. 54 00:02:23,661 --> 00:02:27,181 Honestly, it definitely ain't the Ritz, darling. 55 00:02:27,221 --> 00:02:29,061 It's OK. 56 00:02:29,101 --> 00:02:31,061 I understand. 57 00:02:31,101 --> 00:02:33,101 Oh, for goodness' sake, why can't she come? 58 00:02:33,141 --> 00:02:35,061 Let the girl have some fun. 59 00:02:35,101 --> 00:02:37,261 Oh, yes, Fred, very clever (!) 60 00:02:37,301 --> 00:02:39,501 I can just see tomorrow's headlines. 61 00:02:39,541 --> 00:02:43,141 'Princess of Wales pictured in gay club. 62 00:02:43,181 --> 00:02:44,861 Off her head on poppers.' 63 00:02:46,621 --> 00:02:48,621 What if they don't know it's HER? 64 00:02:48,661 --> 00:02:50,341 Freddie... 65 00:02:50,381 --> 00:02:53,581 I can't walk to Marks without 40 people shouting, 66 00:02:53,621 --> 00:02:55,861 'It's all in the best possible taste!' 67 00:02:55,901 --> 00:02:57,861 I bet you've only got to open your window 68 00:02:57,901 --> 00:02:59,861 before people start giving it all that: 69 00:02:59,901 --> 00:03:01,861 ♪ I see a little silhouetto of a man 70 00:03:01,901 --> 00:03:03,621 Fuck off. # Scaramouch! 71 00:03:03,661 --> 00:03:06,101 My point is...darling, 72 00:03:06,141 --> 00:03:10,341 how on earth are we going to smuggle the most famous woman in the world 73 00:03:10,381 --> 00:03:14,101 into the maddest gay bar in London without anyone knowing it's her? 74 00:03:15,421 --> 00:03:17,421 I think we should just stay in. 75 00:03:17,461 --> 00:03:19,021 Don't be such a boring old pouf. 76 00:03:19,061 --> 00:03:22,021 Come on, dear, the bloody suspense is killing us. 77 00:03:28,821 --> 00:03:31,541 Well, what do you think? 78 00:03:31,581 --> 00:03:33,461 Well... 79 00:03:33,501 --> 00:03:35,901 I prefer 'em a little butcher myself, 80 00:03:35,941 --> 00:03:37,621 but... 81 00:03:37,661 --> 00:03:39,701 you do make an awfully pretty boy. 82 00:03:39,741 --> 00:03:41,421 Now try the voice. 83 00:03:41,461 --> 00:03:43,941 I'm Jeremy. 84 00:03:43,981 --> 00:03:45,981 Pleased to meet yer. 85 00:03:46,021 --> 00:03:48,141 Is that Northern? Try another one. 86 00:03:48,181 --> 00:03:50,181 (FAKE COCKNEY) All right? 87 00:03:50,221 --> 00:03:53,021 Ain't you a lovely-lookin' fella? 88 00:03:53,061 --> 00:03:55,061 Oh, if I were you, I'd stay quiet. 89 00:03:55,101 --> 00:03:57,101 Let's go. Ooh! 90 00:03:57,141 --> 00:03:59,021 Isn't this jolly fun? 91 00:03:59,061 --> 00:04:00,901 (CHUCKLES) 92 00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:04,621 What? Oh, no, I was just wondering 93 00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:07,261 if maybe we should dress down a little too, you know? 94 00:04:07,301 --> 00:04:10,301 I don't think you could, dear. You look like Ena fucking Sharples. 95 00:04:10,341 --> 00:04:12,181 Thanks, Fred (!) 96 00:04:12,221 --> 00:04:14,461 No, I mean, so we don't attract attention. 97 00:04:14,501 --> 00:04:16,701 Oh, well, I think the more attention on US 98 00:04:16,741 --> 00:04:18,741 the less attention on HER, don't you? 99 00:04:18,781 --> 00:04:20,861 And I do find things happen much quicker 100 00:04:20,901 --> 00:04:22,901 when people know I'm Freddie Mercury. 101 00:04:22,941 --> 00:04:24,821 Well, that's fine if you just want... 102 00:04:24,861 --> 00:04:26,541 you know? 103 00:04:26,581 --> 00:04:29,181 Well, I do and... I do. 104 00:04:30,181 --> 00:04:31,861 Well, I don't. 105 00:04:31,901 --> 00:04:33,741 (MELODRAMATICALLY) I'm lonely, Fred. 106 00:04:35,501 --> 00:04:37,661 You can say it in your normal voice, you know? 107 00:04:37,701 --> 00:04:40,461 I'm lonely. How long do I have to wait, boys? 108 00:04:40,501 --> 00:04:42,181 Coming, dear. 109 00:04:42,221 --> 00:04:44,581 Well, if you don't want to be Kenny Everett, 110 00:04:44,621 --> 00:04:47,421 put this on, pull it down... 111 00:04:48,661 --> 00:04:50,341 Perfect. 112 00:04:50,381 --> 00:04:52,701 'Who's that mystery man?' they'll say. 113 00:04:54,541 --> 00:04:56,541 Ena fucking Sharples... 114 00:04:56,581 --> 00:04:58,581 in a hat. 115 00:04:59,581 --> 00:05:01,261 Thank you, by the way. 116 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:04,181 It's honestly so nice to be out having a normal night. 117 00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:05,901 Normal?! Normal? 118 00:05:05,941 --> 00:05:07,581 Normal? Sorry. 119 00:05:07,621 --> 00:05:09,181 Well, if this is normal, my dear, 120 00:05:09,221 --> 00:05:11,341 what on earth must the bloody Palace be like? 121 00:05:11,381 --> 00:05:14,541 Oh, it's mental. You saw It's A Royal Knockout, didn't you? 122 00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:17,261 They're like that all the time. Fucking awful. 123 00:05:17,301 --> 00:05:18,981 It's like being on the Moon. 124 00:05:19,021 --> 00:05:20,701 She's drunk! 125 00:05:20,741 --> 00:05:23,461 Well, that's what I always thought. 126 00:05:23,501 --> 00:05:27,501 It just feels awfully remote and silent. 127 00:05:28,581 --> 00:05:31,181 And then I get wheeled out - 128 00:05:31,221 --> 00:05:33,781 the Princess - at some function, 129 00:05:33,821 --> 00:05:36,621 and everybody stops and turns 130 00:05:36,661 --> 00:05:38,821 and waits to hear what I've got to say, and... 131 00:05:38,861 --> 00:05:41,181 well, I've been doing nothing. 132 00:05:41,221 --> 00:05:42,941 Just... 133 00:05:42,981 --> 00:05:45,501 on the Moon. 134 00:05:45,541 --> 00:05:47,541 So what am I going to say? 135 00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,581 (SILLY VOICE) Moon was nice. 136 00:05:49,621 --> 00:05:52,181 Moon was lovely, very peaceful this time of year. 137 00:05:52,221 --> 00:05:53,781 (CHUCKLES) 138 00:05:53,821 --> 00:05:56,541 Well, anyway, thank you ever so. 139 00:05:56,581 --> 00:05:58,781 Ooh, we're a right bloody bunch, we are. 140 00:05:58,821 --> 00:06:02,941 Well, here's to a normal night. 141 00:06:02,981 --> 00:06:05,821 ♪ La-la-la la-la-la-la 142 00:06:05,861 --> 00:06:09,621 ♪ La-la la-la-la la-la la-la-la-la 143 00:06:10,181 --> 00:06:13,701 ♪ La-la la-la-la-la 144 00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:16,781 ♪ La-la la-la-la la-la la-la-la-la 145 00:06:16,821 --> 00:06:18,621 ♪ La-la-la 146 00:06:18,661 --> 00:06:20,661 (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) 147 00:06:21,701 --> 00:06:24,581 ♪ MY name is MacNamara, I'm the leader of the band 148 00:06:24,621 --> 00:06:26,501 It's only a Wednesday, darling. 149 00:06:26,541 --> 00:06:28,541 You should see it on a Saturday. 150 00:06:28,581 --> 00:06:30,581 Just play it cool, OK? Come on. 151 00:06:33,261 --> 00:06:35,341 Sorry! 152 00:06:35,381 --> 00:06:37,781 Well, it's awfully bloody dark in these glasses. 153 00:06:37,821 --> 00:06:39,821 For goodness' sake, stop it. 154 00:06:41,381 --> 00:06:44,061 Are you sure someone won't recognise me? 155 00:06:44,101 --> 00:06:47,381 ♪ Ooh, and Henessee Tennessee tootles the flute 156 00:06:47,421 --> 00:06:49,021 ♪ My word, 'tis something grand 157 00:06:49,061 --> 00:06:50,701 Hey! Hello, dear. 158 00:06:50,741 --> 00:06:52,581 ♪ Is MacNamara's band 159 00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:55,621 Evening. # La-la la-la-la-la 160 00:06:55,661 --> 00:06:58,381 ♪ La-la la-la-la la-la la-la-la-la Who's this? 161 00:06:58,421 --> 00:07:00,341 Your boyfriend? 162 00:07:01,661 --> 00:07:03,661 Something like that. 163 00:07:05,141 --> 00:07:08,061 Kenny, I need the lavatory. Is there a loo? 164 00:07:11,021 --> 00:07:12,701 ♪ Whenever an election's on 165 00:07:12,741 --> 00:07:14,661 ♪ We play on either side 166 00:07:14,701 --> 00:07:16,701 ♪ The way we play our fine old airs 167 00:07:16,741 --> 00:07:18,741 ♪ Fills Irish hearts with pride 168 00:07:18,781 --> 00:07:22,421 ♪ Oh, if poor Tom Moore was living now, he'd make you understand 169 00:07:22,461 --> 00:07:25,901 Thank you. 170 00:07:25,941 --> 00:07:28,981 I almost think she's bloody gone and done it! 171 00:07:29,021 --> 00:07:30,901 Yes, but where's Di, dear? 172 00:07:30,941 --> 00:07:32,861 She's just here. 173 00:07:32,901 --> 00:07:34,541 Oh, fuck! 174 00:07:34,581 --> 00:07:37,261 ♪ Ooh, and Henessee Tennessee tootles the flute 175 00:07:37,301 --> 00:07:39,421 ♪ My word, 'tis something grand 176 00:07:39,461 --> 00:07:42,701 ♪ A credit to old Ireland, boys, is MacNamara's band 177 00:07:42,741 --> 00:07:44,741 ♪ La-la-la 178 00:07:44,781 --> 00:07:46,741 ♪ La-la la-la 179 00:07:46,781 --> 00:07:49,901 ♪ La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la 180 00:07:49,941 --> 00:07:51,661 ♪ La-la la-la 181 00:07:51,701 --> 00:07:53,821 ♪ La-la la-la-la 182 00:07:53,861 --> 00:07:56,381 ♪ La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la 183 00:07:56,421 --> 00:07:58,181 Ken! 184 00:07:58,221 --> 00:07:59,981 Kenny, I really... 185 00:08:00,021 --> 00:08:01,701 (WHISTLING) 186 00:08:01,741 --> 00:08:04,861 ♪ La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la 187 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,901 (MURMURS) 188 00:08:06,941 --> 00:08:08,421 ♪ La-la la-la-la-la 189 00:08:08,461 --> 00:08:11,301 ♪ La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la 190 00:08:12,021 --> 00:08:13,781 ♪ La-la-la 191 00:08:13,821 --> 00:08:15,541 ♪ La-la la la-la-la 192 00:08:15,581 --> 00:08:19,381 What do you mean, she's gone? Well, you know how she was here?! 193 00:08:19,421 --> 00:08:23,741 (GASPS) Oh, my God, Freddie, we've lost the Princess of Wales! 194 00:08:23,781 --> 00:08:25,901 ♪ La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la 195 00:08:25,941 --> 00:08:27,621 ♪ La-la-la! ♪ 196 00:08:36,981 --> 00:08:38,981 (DANCE MUSIC AND CHATTER) 197 00:08:53,021 --> 00:08:55,021 Sorry, busy. 198 00:09:06,661 --> 00:09:08,261 Well, go and find her. Why me? 199 00:09:08,301 --> 00:09:10,461 Because this whole stupid thing was your idea. 200 00:09:10,501 --> 00:09:12,501 But you're in disguise. 201 00:09:15,741 --> 00:09:17,741 Bi-atch! 202 00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:23,741 How did it go? Killed it. 203 00:09:26,461 --> 00:09:28,181 Showtime, motherfuckers! 204 00:09:28,221 --> 00:09:30,221 I am coming to get you! 205 00:09:31,221 --> 00:09:32,901 (DOOR SHUTS) 206 00:09:35,301 --> 00:09:37,301 (TOILET FLUSHING) 207 00:09:38,541 --> 00:09:40,381 (GROANS) 208 00:09:40,421 --> 00:09:42,341 (Oh, come on, you bastard.) 209 00:09:43,741 --> 00:09:45,701 Careful, darling, no wig. 210 00:09:45,741 --> 00:09:47,141 I'm sorry. I'm ever so sorry. 211 00:09:47,181 --> 00:09:49,021 I... (DEEPENS VOICE) I'm sorry. 212 00:09:49,061 --> 00:09:50,901 (GULPS) No, you're all right. 213 00:09:50,941 --> 00:09:53,741 At least you flushed! (POLITE LAUGH) 214 00:09:53,781 --> 00:09:55,501 Put your hand back. 215 00:10:00,061 --> 00:10:02,701 (GASPS) Oh, Je... 216 00:10:02,741 --> 00:10:04,741 Jesus Christ. 217 00:10:05,781 --> 00:10:07,621 It's... It's YOU? 218 00:10:07,661 --> 00:10:09,781 Er...yeah. 219 00:10:09,821 --> 00:10:11,501 I suppose it is. 220 00:10:11,541 --> 00:10:13,221 Oh... Well, I should probably... 221 00:10:13,261 --> 00:10:15,821 My friends will... Yeah. 222 00:10:15,861 --> 00:10:18,901 Unless you want a hand with your dress. 223 00:10:18,941 --> 00:10:21,701 Oh, no, I don't like people seeing... Yeah. 224 00:10:21,741 --> 00:10:23,821 No, honestly... It's really no bother. 225 00:10:23,861 --> 00:10:25,661 I... 226 00:10:25,701 --> 00:10:27,941 I'm not looking my best. 227 00:10:27,981 --> 00:10:30,781 I don't mind. Really? 228 00:10:30,821 --> 00:10:32,621 Of course I don't. 229 00:10:35,021 --> 00:10:37,821 I'm sorry about my skin. It's... 230 00:10:37,861 --> 00:10:40,061 It's fine. 231 00:10:40,101 --> 00:10:42,101 What about your friends? 232 00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:44,421 Oh, well, they'll be all right for a minute. 233 00:10:44,461 --> 00:10:46,901 Probably haven't even noticed I've gone. 234 00:10:46,941 --> 00:10:48,941 Where the fuck is she? 235 00:10:50,181 --> 00:10:51,981 Excuse me. 236 00:10:52,021 --> 00:10:54,221 I don't suppose... What's that, mate? 237 00:10:55,301 --> 00:10:57,541 Oh, I was just wondering if... 238 00:10:57,581 --> 00:11:00,421 It's too loud. You're gonna have to... 239 00:11:00,461 --> 00:11:03,141 What did you say, mate? Are you looking for someone? 240 00:11:03,181 --> 00:11:05,181 I was. 241 00:11:06,221 --> 00:11:08,221 I am, actually. 242 00:11:08,261 --> 00:11:10,261 What's YOUR name? 243 00:11:10,301 --> 00:11:13,461 Tony. What's yours? 244 00:11:14,821 --> 00:11:17,221 Now, that would be telling, wouldn't it? 245 00:11:19,701 --> 00:11:22,461 Well, I bet you're wishing I'd kept my dress on now. 246 00:11:22,501 --> 00:11:24,901 (LAUGHS) 247 00:11:24,941 --> 00:11:27,221 Sorry. 248 00:11:27,261 --> 00:11:29,021 (CHUCKLES) For what? 249 00:11:29,061 --> 00:11:31,301 I... (SPLUTTERS) 250 00:11:31,341 --> 00:11:33,541 I go round town with four jumpers on. 251 00:11:33,581 --> 00:11:35,621 No-one's ever seen the state of me. 252 00:11:35,661 --> 00:11:37,381 Nobody except, well, 253 00:11:37,421 --> 00:11:39,141 Princess bloody Diana! 254 00:11:39,181 --> 00:11:40,461 (SYMPATHETIC LAUGH) 255 00:11:40,501 --> 00:11:43,821 What's with the... Oh. I... 256 00:11:43,861 --> 00:11:47,261 I thought I might try and blend in for once, have a normal night. 257 00:11:47,301 --> 00:11:49,541 Normal? Feel like I'm tripping! 258 00:11:49,581 --> 00:11:51,701 Mm. 259 00:11:51,741 --> 00:11:56,141 You know, I watched it over and over. 260 00:11:56,181 --> 00:11:58,821 The wedding. Oh. 261 00:11:58,861 --> 00:12:00,981 I thought it was the most beautiful thing. 262 00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:03,181 YOU were the most beautiful thing. 263 00:12:03,221 --> 00:12:05,101 If I'd known then that you... 264 00:12:05,141 --> 00:12:08,221 well, there would've been a million things 265 00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:09,941 I would have wanted to ask you. 266 00:12:09,981 --> 00:12:12,021 Oh, well... 267 00:12:12,061 --> 00:12:14,901 I never really have anything interesting to say. 268 00:12:14,941 --> 00:12:16,661 It doesn't matter. 269 00:12:16,701 --> 00:12:18,701 I can't think of anything to ask. 270 00:12:20,861 --> 00:12:22,861 (SIGHS) 271 00:12:23,941 --> 00:12:25,941 Not now anyway. 272 00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,421 (SOBS SOFTLY) 273 00:12:30,461 --> 00:12:32,461 Sorry. 274 00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:37,381 It's OK. I know. (SNIFFS) 275 00:12:37,421 --> 00:12:39,141 I just... 276 00:12:39,181 --> 00:12:40,901 I don't cry. 277 00:12:42,461 --> 00:12:44,461 (SIGHS) 278 00:12:51,141 --> 00:12:53,141 I wish you'd seen me before. 279 00:12:53,181 --> 00:12:57,141 Not that you'd have any...reason to. 280 00:12:57,181 --> 00:12:59,181 I just... 281 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,781 I was... 282 00:13:03,821 --> 00:13:05,501 Jesus, I was gorgeous. 283 00:13:11,781 --> 00:13:14,141 I'm on the Town Planning Committee of the council. 284 00:13:14,181 --> 00:13:16,861 Fascinating. And what is it you do? 285 00:13:16,901 --> 00:13:18,701 Oh... 286 00:13:18,741 --> 00:13:20,541 You know, boring. 287 00:13:20,581 --> 00:13:22,581 Tell me more about YOU. 288 00:13:24,581 --> 00:13:26,381 What are you doing? 289 00:13:26,421 --> 00:13:28,181 We have lost Princess bloody Diana. 290 00:13:28,221 --> 00:13:30,221 (Oh, don't panic, Fred.) 291 00:13:30,261 --> 00:13:31,941 He doesn't recognise me. 292 00:13:31,981 --> 00:13:33,701 He was just talking to me. 293 00:13:33,741 --> 00:13:36,541 About what? Town planning. 294 00:13:36,581 --> 00:13:38,261 Ooh! 295 00:13:38,301 --> 00:13:40,741 Oh, you don't get it. There's no catchphrases. 296 00:13:40,781 --> 00:13:42,741 No 'In the best possible taste!' 297 00:13:42,781 --> 00:13:45,141 Lovely! 298 00:13:45,181 --> 00:13:47,181 Hi, Freddie. 299 00:13:47,221 --> 00:13:49,061 Hello, darling. 300 00:13:49,101 --> 00:13:50,621 (CHUCKLES) 301 00:13:50,661 --> 00:13:52,861 I know this isn't like the done thing, 302 00:13:52,901 --> 00:13:55,781 but can I just say I'm a massive fan? 303 00:13:55,821 --> 00:13:57,741 Can I buy you a drink? What are you doing? 304 00:13:57,781 --> 00:13:59,501 We were just talking. Oh. 305 00:13:59,541 --> 00:14:01,341 Yeah, it's nice to meet you and that, 306 00:14:01,381 --> 00:14:03,701 but, well, this is Freddie Mercury. 307 00:14:05,941 --> 00:14:07,701 And I'm... 308 00:14:07,741 --> 00:14:09,461 Kenny Everett! 309 00:14:11,381 --> 00:14:13,181 Off the telly? 310 00:14:13,221 --> 00:14:15,621 Oh, I don't... I'm not much for the telly. 311 00:14:15,661 --> 00:14:17,461 I've got a bit of gear if you'd rather. 312 00:14:17,501 --> 00:14:19,861 Oh, go on. Why the hell not? Where do you want to... 313 00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:23,101 Cupid Stunt? You'll have seen Cupid Stunt. 314 00:14:23,141 --> 00:14:25,101 What about the table? Too sticky. 315 00:14:25,141 --> 00:14:26,581 It's a joke. What about the loo? 316 00:14:26,621 --> 00:14:29,621 It's always bloody busy in there. Come on, Sid Snot? 317 00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:32,461 'Hello, lads, it's Snot here.' 318 00:14:33,661 --> 00:14:36,141 There must be somewhere else flat and clean? 319 00:14:38,261 --> 00:14:40,261 Honestly, like that... 320 00:14:40,301 --> 00:14:44,261 the whole world's turned inside out and upside down. 321 00:14:44,301 --> 00:14:46,381 But this illness is... 322 00:14:46,421 --> 00:14:49,701 We've got so much we want to tell people, 323 00:14:49,741 --> 00:14:52,781 but no fucker wants to listen. 324 00:14:55,501 --> 00:14:58,061 What? No, it's just... 325 00:14:59,061 --> 00:15:01,381 ..well, I've got absolutely nothing to say, 326 00:15:01,421 --> 00:15:04,461 and everybody wants to listen. 327 00:15:04,501 --> 00:15:07,501 It's all in the best possible taste! 328 00:15:07,541 --> 00:15:09,661 Freddie, what are we doing? 329 00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:11,421 This is ridiculous. 330 00:15:11,461 --> 00:15:13,141 I know. It's so wrinkly and sweaty, 331 00:15:13,181 --> 00:15:14,901 it's not happening at all. 332 00:15:14,941 --> 00:15:16,621 No. 333 00:15:16,661 --> 00:15:19,501 Freddie, dear, we've lost our friend, you know, 334 00:15:19,541 --> 00:15:24,541 who also just happens to be the most famous woman in the world 335 00:15:24,581 --> 00:15:26,861 in this packed, rowdiest, punk gay bar. 336 00:15:26,901 --> 00:15:29,661 We need to find her, and we're not going to be able to do that 337 00:15:29,701 --> 00:15:32,461 unless we stop attracting bloody attention to ourselves. 338 00:15:32,501 --> 00:15:34,901 Now, let's get a move on. I wonder how keen you'd be 339 00:15:34,941 --> 00:15:38,901 to get a move on if YOU were getting all the attention. 340 00:15:38,941 --> 00:15:40,781 I could get him if I wanted him, you know? 341 00:15:40,821 --> 00:15:42,621 I don't, but I could, if I did. 342 00:15:42,661 --> 00:15:44,661 Excuse me, Kenny. 343 00:15:45,861 --> 00:15:47,181 Yes? 344 00:15:47,221 --> 00:15:49,261 Oh, no. Excuse me, Kenny. 345 00:15:49,301 --> 00:15:51,781 So, Freddie, can I give you a call some time? 346 00:15:53,141 --> 00:15:55,141 (MUTTERS) 347 00:15:58,461 --> 00:16:00,381 Come here! 348 00:16:00,421 --> 00:16:02,181 Bitch! 349 00:16:02,221 --> 00:16:03,941 Slut! 350 00:16:03,981 --> 00:16:07,341 I've seen things in these last few years. 351 00:16:07,381 --> 00:16:10,101 Amazing things. 352 00:16:10,141 --> 00:16:12,021 Guys nursing their blokes - 353 00:16:12,061 --> 00:16:13,941 reading to them, singing to them, 354 00:16:13,981 --> 00:16:15,981 feeding them, 355 00:16:16,021 --> 00:16:18,061 cleaning the shit off of them, 356 00:16:18,101 --> 00:16:20,101 holding them while they die. 357 00:16:22,101 --> 00:16:24,141 I did it. 358 00:16:24,181 --> 00:16:26,101 When I first met him - 359 00:16:26,141 --> 00:16:28,621 Terry - he was... 360 00:16:28,661 --> 00:16:31,461 well, something else. 361 00:16:31,501 --> 00:16:33,181 Big bloke, you know? 362 00:16:33,221 --> 00:16:35,181 Took care of himself. 363 00:16:35,221 --> 00:16:37,781 Legs like... (CHUCKLES) 364 00:16:37,821 --> 00:16:40,421 Not in the end, more like... 365 00:16:40,461 --> 00:16:42,581 I know! 366 00:16:42,621 --> 00:16:44,301 'Peepee.' 367 00:16:44,341 --> 00:16:46,541 (BITTER LAUGH) 368 00:16:46,581 --> 00:16:48,581 Those were his last words. 369 00:16:48,621 --> 00:16:51,541 All of a sudden, he had this panicked little look on his face 370 00:16:51,581 --> 00:16:53,621 because he didn't want to mess himself. 371 00:16:53,661 --> 00:16:56,781 Like a little boy he was, in the end. 372 00:16:58,221 --> 00:17:00,781 'Peepee.' He always said 'piss', you know? 373 00:17:00,821 --> 00:17:02,821 'Wazz' sometimes, but... 374 00:17:04,381 --> 00:17:06,381 He was lucky to have you. 375 00:17:06,421 --> 00:17:08,381 He was, 376 00:17:08,421 --> 00:17:11,301 cos it was OK for him to be a little boy. 377 00:17:12,301 --> 00:17:14,461 Weak and helpless 378 00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:17,021 because he had someone who knew... 379 00:17:17,061 --> 00:17:19,381 who really knew 380 00:17:19,421 --> 00:17:21,461 how brave and how strong he was. 381 00:17:23,221 --> 00:17:25,301 And now I need to go back home 382 00:17:25,341 --> 00:17:27,421 cos he went first. 383 00:17:27,461 --> 00:17:30,661 I need to go back to my mum and dad... 384 00:17:32,461 --> 00:17:35,021 ..and I'll be thin and I'll go blind 385 00:17:35,061 --> 00:17:37,981 and I'll look anything but fucking brave and strong, 386 00:17:38,021 --> 00:17:40,301 and they'll watch me fade away 387 00:17:40,341 --> 00:17:42,101 and they'll think it's... 388 00:17:42,141 --> 00:17:44,741 all my fault. 389 00:17:44,781 --> 00:17:47,341 Wages of sin and all that, 390 00:17:47,381 --> 00:17:49,141 and they won't know 391 00:17:49,181 --> 00:17:51,381 and they'll try and remember the better times, 392 00:17:51,421 --> 00:17:53,221 before I got sick. 393 00:17:53,261 --> 00:17:55,181 They'll remember the old me... 394 00:17:55,221 --> 00:17:59,981 the sad, unhappy...little me. 395 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,581 Cos they never knew the happy me, 396 00:18:03,621 --> 00:18:06,701 down here, or the brave me. 397 00:18:06,741 --> 00:18:08,741 No-one's going to remember that me. 398 00:18:10,141 --> 00:18:13,501 Cos there'll be no-one left. No-one that cared. 399 00:18:13,541 --> 00:18:17,101 No-one that was here. You know? 400 00:18:18,941 --> 00:18:21,061 I don't know that I understand. 401 00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:23,021 Oh, sweetheart. 402 00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:26,581 There are so many of us, going or gone. 403 00:18:27,581 --> 00:18:30,021 Half of them out there. More. 404 00:18:30,061 --> 00:18:32,261 All of us - sometimes - it feels like. 405 00:18:33,941 --> 00:18:35,861 I know. 406 00:18:35,901 --> 00:18:38,221 It doesn't look like it, does it? 407 00:18:38,261 --> 00:18:40,581 All cheering and dancing and fucking. 408 00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:44,021 No. 409 00:18:44,061 --> 00:18:46,221 Why are they all dancing? 410 00:18:46,261 --> 00:18:48,661 What else are we gonna do? 411 00:18:48,701 --> 00:18:50,941 Lived our whole lives - most of us - 412 00:18:50,981 --> 00:18:53,221 alone, different. 413 00:18:53,261 --> 00:18:55,301 I'm not different. 414 00:18:55,341 --> 00:18:57,341 Wrong? 415 00:18:58,781 --> 00:19:01,901 And then we... We find a place like this. 416 00:19:02,981 --> 00:19:06,021 And it all finally makes sense. 417 00:19:08,341 --> 00:19:10,421 And maybe we don't want them to take it away. 418 00:19:10,461 --> 00:19:13,421 Maybe we just want to feel normal. 419 00:19:13,461 --> 00:19:15,461 In here... 420 00:19:15,501 --> 00:19:17,501 for a night. 421 00:19:19,781 --> 00:19:21,781 That's all I want. 422 00:19:22,861 --> 00:19:24,861 That's all? 423 00:19:24,901 --> 00:19:27,021 Oh, that and my bloody health 424 00:19:27,061 --> 00:19:29,141 and a million pounds and a shag, 425 00:19:29,181 --> 00:19:32,141 but...you know, 426 00:19:32,181 --> 00:19:34,781 you don't see many people climbing around me these days 427 00:19:34,821 --> 00:19:37,461 looking for some action. (SCOFFS) 428 00:19:37,501 --> 00:19:40,421 Or even a fucking hug or a kiss. 429 00:19:45,221 --> 00:19:47,181 Yeah. I meant off a bloke. 430 00:19:47,221 --> 00:19:48,821 Oh! (LAUGHS) 431 00:19:48,861 --> 00:19:51,021 You know I'm gay, right? 432 00:19:51,061 --> 00:19:53,501 Yes, darling, I had realised. 433 00:19:55,821 --> 00:19:57,821 But thanks. 434 00:19:59,461 --> 00:20:01,461 (HUBBUB) 435 00:20:09,461 --> 00:20:13,421 There you are. We thought you'd been kidnapped by anarchists. 436 00:20:13,461 --> 00:20:15,501 (LAUGHS) So... 437 00:20:15,541 --> 00:20:17,461 THESE are your friends? 438 00:20:18,461 --> 00:20:19,941 Yes. 439 00:20:19,981 --> 00:20:23,941 How's that normal night working for you?(CHUCKLES) 440 00:20:23,981 --> 00:20:25,901 Shall we make a move? Yes. 441 00:20:25,941 --> 00:20:27,821 Erm...but before that, 442 00:20:27,861 --> 00:20:30,901 could we not have a little dance? 443 00:20:30,941 --> 00:20:34,541 That is what you normally do in a club, isn't it? 444 00:20:37,421 --> 00:20:39,421 ♪ NEW ORDER: Blue Monday 445 00:21:06,661 --> 00:21:09,181 ♪ How does it feel 446 00:21:10,581 --> 00:21:12,781 ♪ To treat me like you do 447 00:21:14,101 --> 00:21:16,741 ♪ When you've laid your hands upon me 448 00:21:17,421 --> 00:21:20,341 ♪ And told me who you are? ♪ 449 00:21:20,381 --> 00:21:23,501 Oh, thank you for taking me out. 450 00:21:23,541 --> 00:21:26,221 Sorry it wasn't exactly normal, my love. 451 00:21:26,261 --> 00:21:29,461 I don't think either of you two could ever have a normal night. 452 00:21:29,501 --> 00:21:31,501 And I hope that never changes. 453 00:21:33,021 --> 00:21:35,021 Everything's changing, my dear. 454 00:21:36,101 --> 00:21:38,221 I mean, come on, I'm going home alone. 455 00:21:38,261 --> 00:21:41,181 I only ever go out to find someone to stay IN with these days. 456 00:21:42,141 --> 00:21:45,461 You know, I think the next time people turn around 457 00:21:45,501 --> 00:21:47,181 expecting me to talk, 458 00:21:47,221 --> 00:21:49,701 I should actually say something. 459 00:21:49,741 --> 00:21:51,981 Let's get a taxi. 460 00:21:52,021 --> 00:21:53,821 Nonsense. 461 00:21:53,861 --> 00:21:57,141 I've spied a far more appropriate carriage for royalty. 462 00:21:59,061 --> 00:22:01,621 (WHOOPS) 463 00:22:03,781 --> 00:22:05,821 (TRIUMPHANT LAUGH) 464 00:22:05,861 --> 00:22:08,341 Come on, my dear. Getting in... 465 00:22:08,381 --> 00:22:10,141 (WHOOPS) 466 00:22:10,181 --> 00:22:11,901 OK. 467 00:22:11,941 --> 00:22:14,021 Ready? Go! 468 00:22:14,061 --> 00:22:15,821 Whoo! 469 00:22:15,861 --> 00:22:19,301 ♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me 470 00:22:19,341 --> 00:22:22,181 ♪ And the card attached would say 471 00:22:22,221 --> 00:22:24,701 ♪ Thank you for being a friend 472 00:22:26,901 --> 00:22:28,901 ♪ Thank you for being a friend 473 00:22:31,101 --> 00:22:33,101 ♪ Thank you for being a friend 474 00:22:35,181 --> 00:22:37,461 ♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪ 475 00:22:41,101 --> 00:22:44,381 subtitles by Deluxe AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk