'He's circling him now.'
IN FRENCH:
'Oh, it's a heavy punch to the chin.'
'Andre's rattled now but he's not going down.
'It's a huge body slam. He's going for the pin!'
'The Giant wins!'
You know, Boris...
..you were right.
-C'est magnifique. -How long?
Three months, sir.
And you start today?
Not today, sir. There's too much moisture in the air.
To you, sir, this will look -like a brick. -Uncannily so.
To me, this is the unhatched shell of an exotic bird.
Oh, Christ.
And when I lay it,
I lay it with such care so that it does not open
and let the parrot fly back to the jungle.
Do you think three months is a little ambitious?
We want to work hard, sir. That is all we want.
You have my full support. But it is hard.
The way they look at us, it gives my men the paranoia.
SHEEP BAA
Boris, I think you and I are going to be friends.
After tomorrow, work will be a little slower.
I'm intrigued just how you will achieve that.
Tomorrow my son returns to school and he's too tall for the bus.
I must drive him.
How small is the bus? The bus is not small.
My son is 12 years old and already more than two metres tall.
You know, Boris, while your work has been quite tortuous to observe,
I have taken refuge in my enjoyment -of your excuses. -Thank you, sir.
However, when telling a story, you must respect your audience.
I'm afraid your gigantic son has pushed you over the line
between absurdism and fantasy
and that is the line, my friend, between genius and gobshite.
Andre. Viens-la.
This is my son.
Fuck me.
Boris, you need to work and I'll take any opportunity not to work.
I will take Andre to school.
-How is your English? -It is bad, sir.
Then we shall speak only in English.
I do not like it.
Neither do I, but Shakespeare put up with it
so we should at least give it a crack.
My father said you wrote -a famous play. -So they tell me.
He said that nothing happens.
Twice. Nothing happens twice. Don't sell me short.
Good luck.
'The publisher ask every day, sir, when will we see the new play?
'I'm running out of lies to tell them.'
Words are forming, Jerome. They're just not ready for the page.
'Is this because of the London reviews?'
Let me deal with the pain before I go looking for the cause.
Merci.
He doesn't want to go to school.
Of course he doesn't. He's 12 years old.
Look at the way he works. Here, what he is, it is celebrated.
Is it celebrated at the school?
Let me take him today and tomorrow he can decide.
The one in the cap, he is the leader?
Yes, sir.
BELL RINGS
-Au revoir. -Au revoir!
We seem to have liberated some parrots.
-Tidal movements. -Tidal movements?
I'm sorry, sir, we are at their mercy.
We are also, of course, a hundred miles from the sea.
Somebody once told me that thousands of years ago
the whole of France was underwater. A little more than thousands.
When the... Perhaps. ..fish swam where we are now.
Maybe even dolphins. "Maybe" is such a redundant word.
I wonder what those dolphins would say
about this pressure you put me under, sir.
I think the dolphins would tell you to relax.
My friend, while the thoughts of long dead imaginary dolphins
are clearly to be respected... Thank you, sir.
..may I observe the days get shorter and our three months have...
Good morning!
Bonjour.
Ah.
You have lived in Paris? I have lived in Paris.
One of the boys at school, his uncle visits Paris.
The women are very forward?
The women are very forward.
His uncle was on the Champs Elysees and a woman dropped her hat.
He picked up the hat and she said he had to have sex with her.
Must have been quite a hat.
Another time his uncle told a woman in Paris that he liked her hair.
She said, "I'm a doctor and you must come with me."Here we go!
She took him to the hospital, where they had sex
with all the other doctors watching. May I address a few logical hiccups?
Another time his uncle was at the zoo and they locked the doors
so to get out he had to have sex.
With a lioness?!
With the zoo keeper.
You see, a lioness would have been a twist.
I would like to live in Paris. I'm not surprised.
Maybe one day I will do so.
Then stick in at school, Andre.
Education brings opportunities.
Paris, coquettish zoo keepers - the full caboodle.
Did you live in Paris during the war?
I lived in many places during the war.
Andre's English improves markedly.
Thank you, Mr Beckett.
You know he has dreams of living in Paris?
La fete de la victoire.
Vive la resistance.
In the resistance, did you -kill a lot of Nazi? -Andre!
I want to kill Nazi.
Well, it's an admirable ambition, Andre,
but you're a bit late.
BELL RINGS
-Au revoir. -Au revoir.
Happy birthday.
So you will never get lost.
Tell me, Andre, have you ever tasted champagne?
Merci.
Now, Andre, I have seen many men,
great men, brought to their knees by this horse,
so promise me you'll treat it with respect.
Yes, sir.
-Sante. -Sante.
♪ And on that farm he had a pig
♪ E-I-E-I-O
♪ With an oink oink here And an oink oink there...♪
Come on, join in, Andre! I do not know the words.
Oh, you're no fun at all!
Why are you so sad on your birthday?
You'll see, sir.
Andre.
Come. You'll be late.
He's 13 now. No more school.
But he enjoys school.
He has friends, a girl. He has dreams, Boris.
And you should not be filling Andre's head with these dreams.
He cannot go to Paris and have all those people make fun of him.
Here he's safe. Here his size is valued.
So you're going to hide him away for the rest of his life
like a bloody dirty secret?
Thank you for driving him but Andre doesn't need you any more.
Allez.
You don't need him yet.
He can't work in this weather.
Let me take him to school, at least until his examinations.
OK.
Andre can take the examinations.
If he passes every one, then he can stay at school.
That seems like a fair deal.
Of course, Andre has never passed an examination in his life.
Not one.
Perhaps we could renegotiate.
Good luck.
And when the penis is inside the woman,
a little hatch opens at the top.
The baby swims up and out of the man
and into the woman.
Then the man takes out his penis.
Thank God.
And closes the hatch.
Let's leave biology for now.
The negotiations were very difficult.
Some people supported the appeasement
and the other people...
Bon appetit.
And then Hitler invaded Poland and that is when the war started.
You know, Hitler only started all the Nazi bollocks
because he was such a God awful painter.
That's what a bad review can do to a man.
Yes, sir.
But a bad review is never just a bad review, of course.
No, sir.
You see, when Godot got to London
and the English had seen the reviews from Paris and Berlin...
All the rage, you know?
And, well, they could hardly play third fiddle
to the Frogs and the Krauts, could they now?
So...
..they twisted the knife.
And what did I do?
I came here and built a cottage.
How dignified of me.
Yes, sir.
I should have bombed the West End instead.
I do not think you should have done that, sir.
Ah, you're right.
They'd have said it lacked nuance.
Listen, Andre.
The rain has stopped.
It could be said that the situation between the man and the cottage
is that of two lovers who have been apart too long.
Anything could be said, of course.
The slower they get to know each other's bodies again,
the more satisfying the end result will be.
I fear for this metaphor, Boris. I fear for it.
I must work slowly to fully tantalise the cottage.
But equally, the cottage must not be rushed
in its attempts to fully tantalise the man.
Boris, whether or not the man and indeed the cottage
are fully tantalised is of course a significant concern.
Thank you, sir. But at the same time...
my hotel bills are mounting
and I must, surely to God, one day move into my home.
If you are in such a hurry, sir, I could use some extra hands.
Not yet.
The words are formed, Jerome,
but choosing one to use first feels such a betrayal of the others.
'This is not good for you, Sam, to be away from Paris,
'away from Suzanne, alone out there with your thoughts all day.'
Oh, I'm keeping busy, Jerome.
I take this kid to school.
He's too big for the bus, you see.
Over two metres tall at 12 years old if you can believe it.
'Sam...'
In fact, I swear he's stuck a couple of inches on since I met him.
But he's a lovely lad, really.
'Sam, I have tried to be patient...
'..but I cannot listen to this excuse of the giant child.
'It is an insult.
'This situation cannot go on, Sam.'
I know.
Well?
26%.
That is not a pass. I should hope not.
I don't think we have to trouble your father
with the information at this stage. That is a sin.
Andre, the only sin is being born. The rest is decoration.
When will we hear about the examinations?
I would imagine very soon, Boris.
But as you know so well, time is such a nebulous beast.
Who needs a girlfriend when Audrey Hepburn walks the Earth?
No more school, sir. It is over.
Andre, the girl, those half-wit kids,
the examinations, these are all pinpricks on life's tapestry.
But school is your way out of here.
Your way to...
Probably not, you know, Hepburn herself
but something certainly in the Hepburn area.
It is over.
-Andre. -Yes, sir?
I have a job for you but I'm not sure you will want to do it
because this is a job only for the very bravest of men.
What is the job?
The job is killing Nazis.
IN GERMAN:
Oh, you clever boy.
TWIG SNAPS
Oh, sweet Jesus!
I am so sorry, sir. Never apologise to a Nazi.
Never. That's the first rule.
The war, was it scary?
Life is scary, is it not?
Yes, sir.
But you have a bravery about you, Andre, that puts me to shame.
Thank you, sir.
You'll be OK, Andre.
You'll be just fine.
We had to kill some Nazis.
Nazis?
A few stragglers.
He is all yours now.
I'm sorry, sir. It took a little longer than we planned.
That's OK, Boris. It would have been grossly unfair to expect you to
predict the intensity of the sheep and the odd tidal movement.
No, sir, these are...force majeure.
And if it hadn't taken so long, I might never have met Andre.
My friend, one day you will see that I was right.
Maybe.
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