That logo music just
gets you pumped, right?
I'm sorry, I'm just excited to be here.
It's been a while.
For a long time, I
wasn't sure I'd ever be back.
Disney bought Fox, there was a whole
boring rights issue,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But then, it turned out they wanted me,
the one guy who shouldn't
even have his own movie.
Much less a franchise.
You have all so stupid.
Look, we know the title of this thing, so
I know what you're wondering.
How are we going to do this without
dishonoring Logan's memory?
And I'll tell you how.
We're not.
Holy.
I'm going to let you
in on a little secret.
Wolverine is not dead.
Sure, it made for a perfect
ending to a very sad story,
but that's not how
regenerative healing factors work.
You think I want to be out here in
beautiful downtown North Dakota,
digging up the one and only Wolverine?
No, thank you.
But the fate of my
entire world is at stake.
He may not be living his best life, but
he sure as hell ain't dead.
Bingo.
Yahtzee.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Damn it!
Son of a bitch!
Fuck! Motherfucker!
My world is fucked!
That was weird.
I'm much calmer now.
Look, I'm not a man of science,
but you seem incredibly passed away.
But it's good to see ya.
I gotta be honest, I've always wanted to
ride with you, Logan.
You and me getting into a
Deadpool and a Wolverine.
Just fucking shit up.
Can you imagine the fun,
the chaos, the residuals?
Could I of mine?
It's nothing that'll bring me back to
life faster than a
big bag of matted cash.
Me too, Hugh.
No, no, no, no.
Ugh, he had to get all
noble and die for real.
God damn it!
I could really use your help right now.
Wait!
I'm warning you! I'm not alone!
Wade Winston Wilson!
You're under arrest by
the Time Variance Authority.
With too many crimes for this, come out!
Oh, you're the courtesy
death fighting you dame player.
Last chance!
Throw out your weapons
and come out peacefully!
I'm not gonna give you my weapons!
But I promise not to use them.
There are 206 bones in the human body.
207 if I'm watching Gossip Girl.
Here we go, maximum effort.
I'll give away every item.
There comes the
You know it's just a nightmare
I'm probably gonna start a fight now
Now this can't be right
Baby, come on
Nothing can be sweet
No time for a little bit of a crisis
Now it's time to leave
And make it alone
I know that I can't take no more
I ain't no man
I don't wanna see you
Back for me, bye bye bye
I'm gonna be a fool for you
But you're just another player
You came into it
You shouldn't be hating me
But it ain't no matter
You can bye bye bye
Bye bye
I don't really wanna make it tough
I just wanna take a nap
I'm myself crazy
But it ain't no lie
You can bye bye bye
You're gonna be thirsty
With the truth of the law
Girl, your mother will come
Better not ask from outside your box.
You're gonna be thirsty
Come on
I just know that I can't take no more
You ain't no man
I wanna see you
Back for me, bye bye bye
Bye bye
I'm gonna be a fool for you
But you're just another player
You came into it
You made me a fool
Bye bye bye bye
I'm gonna make you tough
I just wanna take a nap
And I'm gonna be a fool
I'm myself crazy
But it ain't no lie
You're gonna be a fool for you
I don't wanna be your fool
In this game for two
So I need a man
Come on, let's make it better.
Back for me, I'm crazy
But it ain't no lie
You made me a fool
I'm myself crazy
But you made me a fool
You made me a fool
I'm gonna be a fool
I just wanna take a nap
I'm myself crazy
But it ain't no lie
But, but, but, but
I am soaking wet right now.
To be clear, I'm not
proud of any of this.
The wanton violence,
the whiff of necrophilia,
it isn't who I am, it
isn't who I wanna be.
Who I wanna be?
Well, to help you understand that,
I gotta take you back.
My little joy ride I
took through space and time,
to the day that changed everything.
I can't believe I'm finally here.
I've waited for this moment for so long.
Thank you, sir, for seeing me.
I firmly believe that my
services could be of great use
to your organization.
Now, I know I was caught masturbating
in the lobby of Stark Tower.
Shmash the banner?
I'm sure you did that.
I'm sorry, what was that?
No, I'm sorry.
That's when you get
those toy hulk hands, right?
And then you just, you
look down and you just,
you brace yourself and
you ravage the midsection.
I get it, okay, thank you.
The picture's painted.
You get the gist.
What exactly brings you here today?
Well, okay, I care.
I know I'm turning
everything into a joke,
but I care and I want to use that feeling
for something important.
I don't want to matter.
And to show my girl that I matter.
And, you know, I feel like I'm wasting
the good stuff here.
Is the man not going to be joining us?
The man?
Yeah, I should say this if he's going to.
As far as you can tell
right now, I'm the man.
The man is me.
I am the man in this circumstance.
And he doesn't do this
kind of thing anymore.
Candidates?
Meetings.
Entry-level meetings.
Entry-level?
Aren't you the chauffeur?
I, maybe.
Common misconception,
I did begin my career
as Mr. Stark's driver.
I quickly pivoted to
the head of security.
The head of security?
The head of security, of
course, yes, yes, yes, yes.
And why I am vetting your resume.
You seem to have left out whether or not
you had any experience
as a member of a team.
Could you maybe add a
little bit of perspective?
Oh, yes, of course.
I was Special Forces, but I was mainly,
I was team leader,
founder, really, of X-Force.
Sadly, they all perished in action.
How exactly did that happen?
Well, the police say
gravity, but just between us,
they didn't test well in the focus group.
They were to go to the cable.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I
can see this isn't going on.
Please stop writing.
I'm just, I want to be an Avenger.
I want to be an Avenger.
Why do you want to be an Avenger?
To look around you, I mean,
they're the best of the best.
And what they do matters.
I need to be an Avenger.
Sir, that girl is kind
of had a bit of a shtick,
and if I don't, you
know, turn things around
and do something with my gifts,
I don't think it's going
to really work out for me,
and I wouldn't blame her.
Avengers are a very
unique group of superheroes
that stand for something
more than just fighting
and wearing costumes.
I mean, people look up
to us. Kids look up to us.
I'm sorry, us?
I wasn't aware that you were an Avenger.
Avengers adjacent, technically.
Oh, what's your
superpower? Is it parallel parking?
I am so sorry. That was cruel.
I lash out when I'm
nervous. It won't happen again.
Let's cut to the chase. Please.
You just said moments ago
that you wanted to be an Avenger
because you need it.
Yes, sir, I do.
But the Avengers don't do
the job because they need it.
They do the job because people need them.
Do you see the distinction?
Yes, sir.
Please, Mr. Hogan, I don't
want to spend the rest of my life
like an annoying one-trick pony.
All right.
Oh, my God. You're standing.
Yeah, now's the time that we stand.
Damn it.
The problem might be that
you're reaching a little too high.
Aim for the middle and you'll never miss.
Right? I think you got a good heart. I
believe what you're saying.
But not everybody's a world-saving type.
I'm not. I'm happy. Right?
I found my place.
Find your place.
All right. Get back out there.
We'll keep an eye. Good luck.
Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
Catch the car. I want to hit Shake Shack.
Rejection makes me hungry.
No, no, no. Please.
No, no, no. Okay.
You know what they say?
When one door closes,
your locker at work opens.
Let's go sell some certified
pre-owned vehicles, motherf...
Technically, the
carnival's not a minivan.
It's an MPV.
So how does the Kia
compare to the Honda Odyssey?
The Odyssey? That's a great question.
It doesn't fucking suck.
You know, you can't answer
the question without swearing.
I'm sorry. Tell me I don't have kids.
Not that I haven't dreamt of that.
You don't have a lot of natural sex.
You'll get them next time, pal. Yeah.
And look, you can always
go back to super-heroing.
I mean, I know I'd like to
see you back in the suit.
I don't keep it in my
locker so that I can wear it.
I keep it in my locker in
case we need to settle up again.
Hey, hey, hey. What
is that doing in there?
I'm done.
Man, I'm fine with being done.
Look, is sales the best match?
Probably none.
Is this the life that I
always imagined for myself?
Fuck no!
This is the right fit for me.
Sugar Bear, it is. Okay, Mr. Wilson.
I'm just saying, once a month, we could
go on a little mission.
We're human beings. We crave purpose.
After all, we're Deadpool.
Please stop saying
that. We're not Deadpool.
I'm not even Deadpool anymore.
Well, if we're gonna have
a midlife crisis, go big.
A few years ago, a friend of
mine got his nipples pierced
with a titanium chain that goes down and
attaches to his Van Johnson.
Are you feeling Grumple
stiltskin because it's your birthday?
What?
No.
Surprise!
All right, you guys
are lucky I'm not armed.
Get in here.
This was six years
ago. You'd all be dead.
So then, he gets out of the cab, and you
would not believe it.
I turn around, and what do I find?
Airpods. Airpods!
Crazy stories. Every time.
Come on. Fingle time.
Make any sales today?
You know I didn't.
Did you sell any
dreamcatchers on Etsy or whatever it is?
I went to do it three days away, and I
can't keep carrying it. Relax.
I have the money. I sold some old blood
pressure medication I found lying around.
You're trying to kill me, motherfucker.
I'm not the one dousing
everything in salt, motherfucker.
I pray every day that fire finds your
body and finishes the job
God didn't have the nuts to do.
That's hurtful. If you could hear the
look on my face,
you'd smell how sad I am.
You watching me good?
Great British break-off.
Oh, God damn.
This shit stood between me
and suicide for ten years.
Those are my feelings.
Abortion, religious freedom, animal
rights, privacy rights, vaccines, free
market capitalism, global climate change.
No, no, no, no, sweet from let's fuck.
Hi, you, Kyo. Hi, Wade.
Nice, fake o'clock shadow.
It's a summer balayage from the French.
It's meant to mimic the natural
highlights of the sun.
It's a toupee. It's a hair system.
I love your hair system, Wade.
Thank you.
Want to do some cocaine? Hey, cocaine is
the one thing that
Faggy said is off-limits.
What about Bolivian watching? They know
all the slang terms. They have a list.
Even snowboarding? Even disco dust.
White girl interrupted? Even force bump.
Focus shift. I wouldn't
even try powdered go nuts.
Do you want to build a
snowman? Yes, but I can't.
Hold here. Here?
What happened? That's the buzz part.
Thanks for coming. Yeah.
How's work? Oh, I got a promotion.
No way. Yeah.
It's mind-numbing middle
management, but I'm happy.
That's great.
You want to see him? How are you?
Um, yeah. Guy from work.
Derman. Derman?
He's kind. Good.
Likes to go hiking.
Hasn't gotten me shot yet.
Wow. It's the early days.
How about you? You seeing anyone?
No, no, I live in a one-bedroom
apartment. Share bed with blind Al.
All right. All right.
Happy birthday to you.
Okay, okay, okay.
Birthdays.
Every spin around the moon
is a new adventure indeed.
Sundomous. Okay, round-earther.
Where was I? The Adventure of Life.
Right. It's been a challenging few years.
I haven't seen you guys in a while. And
through a lot. Change of life.
Nail-a-paw? Bitch, are you improv-ing?
I'm sorry that you had
to see that, Yuki-oh.
But I'm happy.
You know, that's because of
each and every one of you.
I guess what I'm trying to say is how
proud I am, how grateful I am,
to be standing in a room with every
single person I love.
I'm the luckiest man alive.
Make a wish, buddy. 10-4, good buddy.
Going down.
Lee Wilson? Oh, yeah. Dancers.
The painter must have ordered you. Are
those supposed to be cop costumes?
Never mind. Take your
clothes off, but leave the helmets.
And this isn't Pretty
Woman. We're kissing, all right?
What song do you guys normally dance to?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is that supposed to be scary?
Hagging isn't new for me,
friendo, but it is for Disney.
Look, I've never been a natural bottom.
So we're going to take things real slow,
and I want some crazy eye contact.
Not you, you.
I can't see your eyes through
the mask, but I can feel it.
We're going to move on down the hallway
so we can spare a cleanup on Isle Hassel.
How does everyone feel about this planet?
I don't like you. Yes.
Let's hold on to that attitude,
and we're going to do it angry.
Mr. Wilson.
You appear to have soiled
yourself while unconscious.
I was unconscious. Who are you?
I go by the name of Paradox, Mr. Paradox,
and you're sitting here at the TVA, the
Time Variance Authority.
We're really a watchdog organization.
Except we're more
lighthearted than that sounds,
with sort of throwback ironic twist.
And we're in charge of defending what's
known as the sacred timeline.
Holy fuck, that is a shit ton of
exposition for a three-quel.
Is this because I used Cable's Time
Machine, brought a
couple of people back to life,
then I destroyed it.
That was a long time ago.
Yes, we're aware of your
abuse of your timeline.
You were so abusive of it.
No, it has nothing to do
with that. Walk with me.
I brought you here, Mr. Wilson, to tell
you that you're special.
In fact, you've been
chosen for a higher purpose,
a purpose unclear even to me,
but one that could save
the entire sacred timeline
from a possibly grisly
fate sometime in the future,
which may very well need to be avenged.
This sacred timeline, I assume I'm going
to marvel at how cinematic it feels,
gratuitous cameons, indiscriminate use of
variance, the whole package.
No, you tell me.
Gav.
You are no longer lost.
Wait.
You can be a hero among the heroes.
We've been surveilling
you for quite a while.
It's a boy station.
The TVA outpost, yes.
And what is that?
Is that me? Is that Thor?
Is he crying?
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
That happens in the distant future.
Why is Thor crying?
Do not speak to her. Stop that.
I brought you here to
offer you an opportunity,
the opportunity you sought years ago but
for which you were not ready.
We believe you're ready now,
ready for a chance to leave your timeline
and join the greatest universe of all.
I am about to give you the
thing you've always wanted.
I smell what you're stepping in.
The power of the Marvel
universe is about to change forever.
I am an aside.
I am...
Marvel Jesus.
Excuse me.
She's getting over here.
Suck it, Fox.
I'm on Disneyland.
Get fucked!
Where do I sign?
Oh, it's an ending for paper work.
Good. Not to brag, but I do not read.
There is one thing I will need, though.
Oh, fuck off.
Adorn me, Beardo.
Fuck it!
It's perfect.
FYI, your tailor is a
predator, but I love it.
Snug, no camel toe, new
car smell, and adamantium.
Katomas, you shouldn't have.
Go ahead. Take it in.
And yes, your
underwear is getting tighter.
That guy knows what I'm talking about.
His clothes say middle management, but
his eyes say fucky fucky.
Yes, you look very nice.
Nice? Your buddy here is ready to throw
it all away from me.
You calling your wife?
HR.
Is your wife working HR?
I'm really glad
you're taking this so well.
Oh, I'm taking it well.
I have never had a
problem traveling for work.
That said, we should talk vacation dance.
I'm more of a one-week-on,
one-week-off kind of guy.
I think it's what they do in Denmark.
You'll never see a Danish
flag in the moon, but...
God damn it, they're happy.
Now, let's power up your
little Amazon Fire Phone there
and sit me back home so
I can let my friends know
that they've been upgraded to Disciples.
Yep. I hear that you quite understand.
You will not be returning to your home
because there will be
no home to return to.
Come again, this time in my ears?
This is your universe, Mr. Wilson.
That is what happens when a universe
loses their anchor being.
See how it decays from the inside?
This is how a reality dies.
What's an anchor being?
An anchor being is an
entity of such vital importance
that when they die, their whole world
slowly withers out of existence.
You've just won the
lottery because I didn't die.
It's just a little
midlife crisis, I'm better now.
Oh, my God!
Oh, not to laugh.
Can you imagine if you
were the anchor being?
Yeah.
No, it isn't you, Mr. Wilson.
Your anchor being died in
an act of self-sacrifice
so epic that it sent
shivers down the timeline.
I am referring, of
course, to Logan, the Wolverine.
Don't be on that page.
Oh, this is what it feels like.
Logan.
Of course.
Logan.
Logan!
The guy forks for hands!
That Wolverine!
Yeah, I got it.
You can turn your retro
graphics of death off now.
Make it stop.
We're not doing it, Mr. Wilson. We
certainly can't stop it.
How long have we got?
In most cases, a couple thousand years.
Well, sweet.
Most cases aren't
fast enough, not for me.
What does that mean?
It means that I have been tasked with
overseeing the end of your universe
and regardless of what the pencil pushers
upstairs would prefer,
I will not waste my life watching it die
slowly of natural causes.
We used to just prune these things,
simple, elegant, efficient,
but I'm told the TVA
doesn't like to do that anymore.
Well, I do.
And no matter what my
so-called superiors say,
the multiverse does
not need a babysitter.
We need a mercy killer.
And in this instance,
I am the mercy killer.
What in the macguffin is that?
That's a time-reper for Mr. Wilson.
An accelerant.
Once completed, it will allow me to
destroy the space-time
matrix of your universe.
You see, I don't want
to work for the TVA.
I want to be the TVA.
And the first step involves showing this
organization how much more
efficient it can become to it.
I will be giving your universe a swift
and compassionate end.
And don't worry, your
friends won't feel a thing.
It'll be over just like this.
Oh, what's that?
Trust me.
You're gonna all be
other in my fucking universe.
In your parlance, yes.
Two in the heart, one in the head.
Look, Mr. Wilson, you have two choices.
You can either rejoin your loved ones and
collectively cease to
exist in, let's say, 72 hours,
or you join the sacred timeline.
And you end your days of
insignificance and mediocrity.
Wade.
Wade, you can finally, finally matter.
That's all I've ever really wanted.
I know.
And you know, I'm nothing
if not morally flexible.
Hmm?
Yep, yep.
I'll do it.
Wade's choice.
Sacred timeline's happy to have you.
I was talking about finding the wolverine
and breaking your fucking nose.
Look at that.
Find him.
Find him!
And boy, did he ever turn.
Which brings us back to this.
The desecration of the sacred corpse.
Ow, my own fucking arm.
Now we're talking to my kids.
I'm sorry, wolverine is hard.
I can't stop.
Mangle tried.
You sick fuck.
Wolverine was a hero and the only thing
on earth is shit to
ever come out of Canada.
Get my country's name
out of your fucking mouth.
And my sword.
Look at that.
Oh, I gotta find me another Logan.
An alive one.
Don't get up, guys. I'll see myself back.
Logan!
I'm gonna need you to come with me.
Who's asking?
Well, look at this
little hairy Lou Retton.
Did you stick the landing hook, I?
Yes, you did, comic-accurate short king.
Such a cute widow, wovee.
Cue the fucking montage, baby.
All right, everything
seems to be on fire.
You have a dragon?
Ooh, you have anchor
being written all over.
Patch.
Now we're talking.
Ooh, yeah.
That's the whole
goddamn package right there.
I'm auditioning anchor beams.
Oh, that's gonna need some coconut oil.
Fuck, dude, the fuck.
Are you okay?
Oh, yes, yes.
Classic John Byrne round of ten now.
You found the Hulk in
this outfit, you know?
I marveled Jesus, you dull
creature, and I want to...
Not you. We're just going
in a different direction.
You know, from behind, you
look a little bit like Henry...
Oh, my fuck.
The cavalry. The legends are true.
And may I say, sir, on
behalf of all humanity,
this just feels right.
We will treat you so much better than
those shit-fucks down the street
you were just leaving.
No, sir, not while the
fate of my universe has had...
This one looks promising.
Down you go.
Again.
I told you, you're not welcome here.
You're not welcome anywhere.
Now get the fuck out of my bar.
Just give me one more
drink and then I'll leave.
That's not how it works.
It does now. Leave the bottle.
I know you, bub.
Nope. But I know you.
Everybody knows me.
I'm the Wolverine.
Yes, you are, and I'm gonna need you to
come with me right now.
Look, lady, I'm not interested.
Really getting into your cuffs...
Why would I go with you?
Because, unfortunately, I need you.
And even more
unfortunately, my entire world needs you.
You two gonna fuck or fight?
You gonna take that from him?
You.
I can tell you that sort
of don't get too close,
I'll only break your heart by going here.
But every other Wolverine would have
really hurt me by now.
And I'm sort of on the tic-tac, so,
upsy-dacy, here we go.
There you go, guys.
Oh.
Whiskey dick with the claws.
It's quite common in Wolverines over 40.
You don't want this.
You're right. I doubt it.
And you don't want this.
Unless you want to take a deep breath
through your fucking forehead,
I suggest you reconsider.
Let's go, Peanut.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Watch this.
All right.
That's a little... easy.
Good God.
Thirsty little honey badger, aren't you?
It's okay. Keep going.
Audiences are
accustomed to long run times.
I guess you'll have to do...
Okay.
Ooh.
Look at those jammies.
That only took 20 fucking years.
One anchobain coming right up.
On your luck, baby girl.
This Logan has the same... he can do
anything even musicals.
But, notice, he's
actually wearing a costume
like he's not embarrassed to be on a
superhero movie for once.
I don't understand.
You said my universe is dying,
because this sack of
nuts got himself killed.
Well, problem solved.
My God.
You actually think you can replace an
anchobain with this?
I wouldn't have accepted any other
Wolverine beat-y-dubs,
but you have outdone yourself and brought
me the worst Wolverine.
What do you mean the worst one?
Mr. Huston, this Wolverine
let down his entire world.
He's the stuff of
legend, but not in a good way.
And what he did... well, some things are
just beyond forgiveness.
Okay. How do I make this
right? I can be all do anything.
I gave you a chance at greatness,
because my superior
has deemed you special.
Clearly not special in a good way,
but apparently you have some important
future purpose to serve.
With Thor, he holds me.
But I did my duty.
I gave you the
opportunity to be somebody,
and instead of accepting my offering with
humanity and gratitude,
you broke my nose.
It looks great.
I decimated dozens of my men with the
assumed corpse of a hero,
with sovereign not only
his remains, but his memory.
What do you think, Internet?
Your world is dying!
Thank you very much.
And there's no stopping it.
The humanity of you is to make it quick.
Is the thought of vaporizing
my universe making you peckish?
I'm eating my feelings.
I'm about to lose everything
that I've ever cared about,
because that hairy thunder cunt from down
under cunt finally dies,
and he's standing
right behind me, isn't he?
Welcome to the MCU, by the way.
You're joining at a bit of a low point.
As for you, I want to talk to your boss.
I want you to get him on the phone,
and you tell him, her, or them that
Marvel H. Christ isn't playing.
Holy shit.
I just heard a symphony of butt holes
clenching all at once.
You're off-grid.
Your bosses don't know what you sick
fucks are doing down here.
Well, I'll tell you what.
I have a black belt in Karen, and I'm
going to go upstairs,
and I'm going to tell
them all about you and...
Oh, silence is nice.
What the fuck did he kill?
To the trash heap.
You'll fit right in.
That was close.
That was close. Don't just stand there, you ape.
Give me a hand of her.
No, emergency okay. Thank you.
Where the hell are we?
I don't know.
It looks kind of Mad Maxie.
But that would be IP infringement, right?
Fucking jokes.
Are you even listening back there?
We don't make it back to
that Mr. Paradox asshole.
Everyone I know is going to die.
No, my fucking problem.
Well, is that all you got?
Is that what you said
when your world went to shit?
Come again?
Yeah, I heard all about you.
I screwed up everything,
and you should be thanking me for pulling
you out of that bed you shit in.
Are you backstabbing son of a bitch?
Are you ready to be calm now?
Rest in peace, this fox.
I don't want to fight you, peanut.
Doesn't matter what you did.
I just need your help.
I don't fucking care.
This is gonna hurt.
Alright!
Fuck it!
Let's give the people what they came for.
Let's fucking go.
Get your special sock out, nerds.
This gonna get good.
Let's see you grow
your fucking head back!
I can fix it! I can fix it!
It's what? Whatever it is that you did.
Whatever made you so bad.
Those... those...
Freaks! In the TPA you heard them.
They have the power to end my universe.
But they also have the
power to change yours.
We get back there.
And we can fix your world.
Together.
I promise.
They can fix it.
Hey!
Hey! We fight each other, we lose.
Dear God, it's him.
Who? The one.
The superhero equivalent
to comfort food for Molly.
White guy's answer to all the
disappointments and another A-lister.
Fair warning, gorgeous.
You're going to
encounter some angelic language.
A smidge of ass play, but we've been
prohibited from using cocaine on camera.
They're coming.
Who's they?
Oh, they're driving angry.
Now that's a superhero lid!
I got this.
Stay close.
I got a camera.
You got this.
Cassandra is going to be kitty when she
sees what we caught.
You can't run. Everybody knows that.
You see anyone running, Dick Fabrains?
You're not going to
love what happens next.
Oh, oh my God.
Oink! Oh my God, he's going to save us.
Ha! Oh my God, he's going to save us!
Hey, what?
Avengers, available!
Oh!
We don't know that guy.
We thought we did.
I know you.
Holy sh...
Sabretooth, your brother, ready to die!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Time!
You look ridiculous.
People have waited
decades for this fight.
It's not going to be easy.
Maybe not.
Shoot the devil, take him down.
Side control, then bowl him out,
and be a ground and pound until he makes
no sound because he's dead.
Shut the fuck up.
Oh my God.
Okay, good luck. I'm a huge fan.
What is it, girl?
Is there trouble at the well?
Big trouble.
Behold!
The head of your precious queen, Furiosa!
I have the Wolverine.
I alone control her.
You come for me!
You come for her.
So sorry. I know it's pronounced him.
I'm gender blind. It's my cross to bear.
Who's next?
Tog!
You're up.
Uh-oh.
Tog beep.
Uh.
I should've...
I'm God of Thunder.
When was I asleep?
Not all of you was asleep.
Don't bother.
We're very thorough.
You know where we are, start talking.
You're in the void.
Think of it as purgatory.
Reed called it a metaphysical junkyard
where anything useless goes
before it gets annihilated
forever and where the TVA sends people
that don't play nice
with the rest of the multiverse.
Like you?
And you.
What does the annihilating?
A liet.
A liet is in this thing?
From Loki season one episode five?
Everyone here is on the run from a liet.
Oh, don't make it.
There's a resistance though.
Other people like us
that manage to survive,
they're hiding out in the border lanes
trying to find a way to fuck outta here.
Then that's where we go.
Reed?
Us?
A teen?
The answer is yes.
Shake off.
Fuck!
You nipped it.
Just got the tip with
your little steak knife.
These others can help
us get back to the TVA.
They can fix things.
Something funny, Bob?
She might have
something to say about that.
Who's she?
In the void.
You're either food for a
liet or you work for her.
Oh, all right, finely-aged.
Oh, you must finish your jug or not.
Thank you.
I give your voices down.
She don't like the chatter.
She's gonna love you.
Is it the child?
Hey, hey, Jack, it's us!
That's not the child.
Ah, shit.
Oh, Abel is some great.
That's not gonna go over
well with the wolf mob.
A wolverine.
I wondered when I'd get one of you.
You're one of Xavier's.
You know him, you know Chuck?
Oh, I knew him.
We shared a wound.
Tried to strangle the sly little fellow
with my umbilical cord.
Amen.
I've never loved roommates.
Mine's blind, except she could see
cocaine for some reason.
You wanna chime in, Your Majesty?
I'm dying here.
Who are you?
Charles Xavier's twin, Cassandra Nova.
Oh, shit. How did it anal birth?
You two are cute.
I have a good feeling about this.
And I've been trying to
catch this little firefly
for years, haven't I, Johnny?
You picked the wrong
time to make new friends.
Oh, Johnny told us all about you.
Maybe shut up now.
Yeah, maybe don't... We
were just talking here.
Yeah, Johnny told us you're a psychotic,
megalomaniacal asshole.
His word's not mine.
Hell bent, a domination in pain.
You said all that about me.
No, no!
How do you, I just say anything!
Pick some stones, Johnny!
I'll let her intimidate you.
Like you said in the convoy.
This finger-licking, dead inside,
pixie slab of
third-rate dime store nut milk
can eat your delicious cinnamon ring
and kick rocks all the way to bald-end.
I have never said any of those words
in my entire life! I'm right!
It's a modesty!
People think I'm a shit-topper,
but this guy, next level.
What?
This, I, wait, I don't even know what
happened to that meat!
My hat's off to you, sir, truly.
I didn't, Keith, that's, I, I, I don't...
Not my favorite, Chris.
You stupid piece of shit, you
just got him fucking killed!
Hey, we're all grieving!
PS, do you know what I'm
gonna do to the budget?
A lie at this hungry.
There's been some kind of mistake.
Big Yellow is a backup anchor being,
and I'm Marvel Jesus, MJ and Turnasty.
This may be hard to hear,
but there's another British villain.
He's gonna destroy my
universe, and I'm gonna stop him.
Oh, honey, you don't really strike me
as a world-saving type.
Did I hit him off?
I didn't want it to come to this.
Either you help us, or my friend here
is gonna sink the entire
second act of music, man,
with zero warm up.
Where'd you get the chair?
Once in a while, I did
get a trowel through here.
Nevermind, though, no.
He didn't care to find me.
Ah, jizzee, they're trauma-bragging!
Can't you just stuff it
down, turn it into accomplishment
or cancer like the rest of us?
But I'm not like the rest of you.
Except maybe the Wolverine.
Now we could be truly
terrifying together.
You know, that's scary, huh?
The TVA certainly thought so.
They sent me here before I could walk.
And you know, it's the best thing that
ever happened to me.
I love it here.
You live in a garbage dump.
I think we both know who
lives in the garbage dump.
The void is a paradise.
I can wield my power here without shame.
Unfortunately, I had no child's Xavier
to teach me temperance.
What about your child?
Did he protect you?
Did he make you feel safe?
We're immune, so we're never safe.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
I don't want the smoke.
I don't have any beef with you.
I just want to save my friends.
I just, I want to go home.
Well, the thing is, I could get you home.
Good.
But I don't want to.
Not good.
What do you want, Wade Wilson?
Uh, your fingers are inside
me, but not in a good way.
My brother could enter
one's mind with a fork.
I have to get my hands dirty.
Oh, gosh.
I've got you.
I can't, I can't, you're not here.
I'm right here.
No, you're not, I can't.
I'm right here.
Then show me you gotta do something.
Show you what?
Show me you care about
something bigger than you.
Ever since they turned
you down, you took a knee.
Baby, you never got back up.
I know you're going through something.
Let me go through it with you.
You're crazy, Max, you're not crazy.
Where'd you go?
Oh my God.
You just say it, okay?
Say, "I don't want you, I
don't want to be with you."
Go ahead, say it, say it, say it, say it.
You don't want to be with me.
Tell me that and I'll walk away.
Say, "I don't want you."
You'll never fucking matter.
What?
You'll never fucking matter.
What?
She never said that.
No, but I bet she thought it.
I wanna look.
You are so mean.
My brain could taste your fingers
and they tasted like hate.
And we're in God's name as
the intimacy coordinator.
You're so lost, Mr. Wilson.
How long before you came here?
Mrs. Baby Knife, she's
gonna fuck you in the face now.
If you want to kill me,
it's going to take
more than a little bit.
How about sex?
Ah, my boy, quick and strong.
That's my big boy, yet you are.
Well, this has been fun,
but the big guy needs to
eat and the rent is due.
By the way, you're the rent.
Coming or what?
Coming!
What you thinking, Val?
Get the fuck off of me.
Shh, shh.
I was done.
Who was done what?
Getting my knife out of your buttocks.
Ah, fuck!
Go, get your mind out of my pants.
I'm telling Blake.
New rules.
I talk now.
That's gonna be very
hard on the audience.
Shut the fuck up!
Let me fucking think.
We gotta get back to paradox, right?
Right?
It's an excuse.
Am I allowed to speak now or...
Just nod, asshole.
Right.
Then we find the others.
That poor kid Johnny was talking about
before you got him killed.
Oh, our kid, he's like 50.
If there's a chance they
know how to get out of here,
we find him and make those TVA fuckers
fix my shit like you fucking promised.
I smell Quest.
I smell food.
So what made you finally
wear an Anastagat costume?
Find bread so they can't see any bleed.
But I can see how
yellow would be useful too.
Have you been checked for ADHD?
Mm-mm.
But I've had several STDs,
which were probably caused by ADHD.
What are you looking for?
Oh, fuck. Fuck.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's probably alcohol.
You don't wanna drink up?
Yeah, there you go.
Fuck that liver.
Okay.
What the fuck are those?
Oh.
Back in civilian life, I wear a toupee,
but nobody knows.
Everybody knows.
Wanna talk about what's haunting you
or should we wait for
a third act flashback?
Go fuck yourself.
You know,
my world, you're well regarded.
Yeah, well, not in mine.
They don't like me much in mine either.
You don't say.
I want it to be something.
You know, I've, shit, I
want it to be an Avenger.
Fuck the Avengers.
You know, I didn't make the cut though.
Same with the X-Men.
My girlfriend left me like this.
Did you let a girlfriend?
Yeah.
Vanessa, when we met, she was a dancer.
I mean, her whole life was good.
But oh boy, I just,
fuck that right up.
But you, you were an X-Men.
Fuck that, you were the X-Men.
The Wolverine.
The Wolverine?
He's a hero in that world.
Yeah, well, he had shit in mind.
You said Logan was a hero, what happened?
He died.
Oh.
Well, technically you
were chest fucked by a tree,
but really he just ran out of batteries
trying to save someone.
Who?
The shit heels that grew
in a lab called her X-23.
But she was just a kid.
A younger, daintier,
somehow meaner version of you.
He died trying to save her.
It was beautiful.
Look, Miho, I know you're hurt.
My blind, elderly
African-American roommate,
Blind Al, always says that
pain teaches us who we are.
Sometimes we need to listen to that pain
instead of running from it.
Holy shit.
Yeah, she's wise.
No, no, that's her
name, you call her Blind Al.
Well, she's blind.
I've never seen you look
as lovely as you did tonight
I've never seen you shine so bright
Lady of red
Just dancing with me
She did you
There's nobody here
Look at you.
She's coming with us.
No, she's not.
Oh, yes, she is.
Oh, no.
Oh, yes. Sorry.
Sorry about that.
Come here, girl.
Who are you?
I'm Deadpool.
And I guess you're Deadpool too.
But in here, everybody calls me Vicepool.
Oh my goodness, where
do you see Ladypool?
She is gorgeous.
She just had a baby
too, and I can't even tell.
I don't think you're
supposed to say that.
That's okay.
I identify as a feminist, right?
Are those gold-plated, 50 caliber
desert eagle pistoleros?
Of course.
To match my ear huggy.
Can I have her?
Over my dead body.
You're fun.
And I guess you've
already met Mary Puffin.
It's AKA Dogpool.
Therefore, you put your
hand, she's 90% G-Spy,
and she'll let you know it.
You let this little flirt out of your
sight for one second
and she starts shopping for a new papa.
If you can't be a responsible pedo,
then maybe you don't
deserve this little unicorn.
Guilty on all charges, your honor.
She can't happen again.
Why are you so nice?
It costs nothing to be kind.
Shutting the fuck up is also free.
Got it, isn't it?
This is Logan.
He's usually shirtless,
but he's let himself go
since the divorce.
Where's her mask?
Come on, guys.
Oh, this guy.
We're looking for a group of survivors.
Oh, they're out there.
Yeah.
But Merk to Merk, you better hope
that you don't run
into the Deadpool core.
Yeah, they're crazy.
They will chop you up
into a thousand pieces
and hide you all over the void.
If they could only
process their childhood trauma,
they'd go on one heck
of a healing journey.
Look, we're headed for the Borderlands.
You know where it is?
Borderlands, yeah, that's 12 clicks.
Do West, I can lend you
my ride if you like it.
It would be my honor.
Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, absolutely not.
Uh-uh, what the?
No, no.
Jettish get in the car.
This isn't a car.
This is a Honda fucking Odyssey.
Throttle response sucks a cock.
Dated infotainment system.
When Honda saw that untreated chlamydia
was making a comeback, they
invented the Honda Odyssey
to compete.
Get in the fucking car.
He'll get you there safe and sound.
Oh, Betsy always does.
You're gonna have to
give him a dog back though.
I know, listen.
Yeah, it's child.
If you ever wanna give her up,
or if she needs a new home,
or if something should happen to you,
I'd love to be her papa.
Oh, whatever happened to me.
Lots of stuff.
No, we're running away.
Don't, the corn was too dense, girl.
Fuckers, no.
Don't take me home
It's the damn common ice
It's right for your love
This life
I want to take me by hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I
I'm with you
Okay, I'm just gonna ask it.
What's with the suit?
First thing I did when I flamed out,
I took my knife.
Drop it.
It's not that ugly.
Stop talking about myself.
Did you make it yourself?
Been there.
Quit now.
The X-Men make you wear it?
Those sons of fucking bitches.
They are not your
friends, I'll tell you that.
Friends don't let friends leave the house
looking like they fight
crime for the Los Angeles Rams.
Shut the fuck up about this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Watch your frown lines, angel baby.
I'm just trying to bond a little bit.
Yeah, well then talk
about something else.
Fine.
Stop.
They can fix your world.
What's the first thing you're gonna do
when you get out of here?
Some rubbing alcohol shots?
Maybe a wiper fluid chaser?
What did you say?
So when you get back,
what's the first thing you're gonna do?
No, no, no, before that.
Yep, they can fix your world?
What do you mean if I mean...
You lied to me.
I have a fucking clue if
they can help me fix things,
do you?
No, I mean...
No, fuck!
Fuck!
I didn't lie.
You lied.
No, I made an educated wish.
Because I need you.
This, this is why.
Right here.
Because if we don't
do something, they die.
I don't know anything
about saving worlds.
Why would I even care?
Because my entire world is
right here in this picture.
It's only nine people,
and I have no idea how to save it alone.
I know how to fuck people up for money,
but you, you, know how to save them.
What's the other Wolverine did?
Oh, fuck!
I guess I'm stuck with the worst one.
Did you say you made an
educated fucking wish?
They call me the Merc with the Mouth.
They don't call me Truthful Timmy,
the blowjob queen of Saskatoon.
One more.
Please give me one.
Goober tutorial.
You know what, you're a fucking joke.
No wonder the Avengers didn't take you.
Or the X-Men, they'll
say fuck them anyone.
I mean, you are a
ridiculous, immature, half-wit moron.
I have never met a
sadder, more attention-starved,
jabbering little prick in my entire life.
And that says a lot,
because I've been alive
for more than 200 fucking years.
I'll tell ya, that ball
chick was right about one thing.
You will never save the world.
You couldn't even save a relationship
with a goddamn stripper.
Motherfucker, I wish I
could say you'd die alone,
but it's one of God's best
jokes that you can't die,
except that's on all of us.
You got nothing to say, mouth?
I'm gonna fight you now.
Oh, boy.
How are you?
Back off, now, hurry.
I'm dirty, bitch!
No, no, no.
Nice.
I take it all back, the
Honda Odyssey fucks hard.
Too bad you don't needle dick.
Oh, we're just getting started, bubba.
Thor!
Where are we?
No clue, but I like it here.
Okay, look at you all.
You must be the others.
Terrific.
So just to refresh, you are one...
Elector. Elector, yes.
Who could forget?
And you, I was not
expecting to see you here,
but you were, you know, retired.
Retired.
I'm already in the void.
I'm not trying to get canceled again.
I don't like you.
You never did.
And who's this succulent
reminder of my own inadequacies?
Look at you.
You look like the
superhero version of Hawkeye.
The name's Remy Labo.
You dare have let me know,
but you can call me the gamut.
It's been a while
since I've seen Sling Blade
hit me again.
They call me the gamut.
Do they?
Are you sure you didn't just really,
really want them to,
but it never quite worked out?
So would they.
You know, we never had
a Wolverine up in here.
But I can tell you now, it's just a
common courtesy to ask
before you drink up all of my liquor.
That's a good thing I don't give a fuck.
So embarrassing.
Well, now that that's settled,
look, we came a long
way to find you three.
There's four of us.
There's four?
Wait, is it Magneto?
Dear sweet God in
heaven, let it be Magneto,
because with him, fuck!
He's dead.
Now Disney gets cheap?
It's like Pinocchio
jammed his face in my ass
and started lying like crazy.
Not a single word,
what do you do exactly?
Charge the playing cards.
Make them go boom.
Your powers close
that magic, that's good.
We're not totally fucked at all.
So who brought us here?
That would be me.
Don't make me regret it.
Holy shit, Logan,
that's her, that's ex-23.
She's the one they told you about.
How did you all get stuck in the void?
There was a knock at the door,
TVA sent me here.
Me too.
Maybe I was born here, so
it's hard to know for sure.
TVA decided our universe was dying,
and I never even got a
chance to fight for it.
People like us don't go quietly.
TVA knows that, so they took us out.
The answer is yes, I'm in.
In what?
A team.
Me, you, you and me, all of us together.
Let's get the fuck out of this place.
Oh, listen, don't leave the fucking line.
It was an educated wish!
Ah, look.
We've been inside Cassandra's lair.
The only way out of
the void is through her.
She can get us home.
She told us.
Wait a minute, you've been inside?
And you made it out alive?
Bullshit.
Nobody's ever done that.
We did.
Every time one of us
is going up against her,
they die.
The Punisher, the
Quicksilver, the Daredevil.
Daredevil, I'm so sorry.
It's fine.
Okay.
Even that sweet baby angel, Johnny Stone,
he up and going missing
like, what, two days ago?
Ah, that's so sad.
Wherever this Johnny-Keller
is, I'm sure he's thriving.
Look, there's strength
in numbers, all right?
Us, plus you guys, we can
put Cassandra over our knee
and force her to let us out of the void.
I know what it means to feel self-doubt.
I don't feel that at all.
I'm good.
Now I get your gut like
a coke duct tape work.
It's like you're in
the middle of my soul.
You guys may not have been
able to save your universes,
but you can avenge them.
It's what Johnny would have wanted.
Wait, you knew Johnny?
Oh yeah.
Dig head here, talk to
him, and we'll team up.
When Johnny came down with
a little case of the dead.
No, no, no, no, we don't know that.
It was just a flesh wound.
He may have survived.
If he survived that,
he is praying for death.
Thank you, Dr. Wolverine.
Really?
What you do to Johnny, huh?
Talk to him, I'm gonna stop you.
Okay, okay, hey, hey, hey.
Okay, he rinsed badass
mouth about Cassandra,
and she zips-zapped his skin,
leaving his organs to
splash crudely under the ground
while the soil greedily drank his blood.
It was horrible.
He was like a brother to me.
Look, he died before he
could make a difference,
but maybe you couldn't save your world,
but Jesus Christ, you could save mine.
I don't give a shit about your world,
but if these two made
it out of their life,
maybe together, we could
get back in and take her down.
Where'd it come from?
We call that suicide, Sher.
If we can block her psychic powers,
we can get a leg up.
I know it.
Now, I know Magneto's dead,
but I venture to guess that his helmet
is lying around her stomach.
Cassandra melted a helmet.
How did she kill them?
She don't believe.
She knows that helmet was the only way
to protect anyone from her powers.
The only other helmet
that's strong is Juggernauts,
but he works for Cassandra.
Juggernauts helmet, that's it.
And we don't be knowing
that it ain't coming off.
I'm gonna come out with it.
I'm so sorry, beautiful,
how could this be gentle?
Who is your dialect coach?
The minions?
I feel like we're missing
critical exposition here.
I'm sick of this shit.
I'm sick of hiding.
Let's face it, our
world's forgot about us.
Everyone never learned about us.
The heroes we were.
Lives we saved or wanted to save.
Maybe these two are a chance,
to be remembered the way we deserve.
Yes.
Legacy.
Yes, yes, let this man cook.
This is what I'm talking about.
Big slow motion, fight sad music,
everybody working together.
Who knows if you live or
die, that sort of thing.
Who's ready?
I was born ready.
Yes, damn it.
I ain't know my daddy,
but I'm sure I shot
out of his dick ready.
Jesus Christ, that is graphic.
Yeah, he was random, but
he knows all about my mama
and I shot out there and
I said, "What's up, doc?"
Johnny wants to love you.
X-23, what's it gonna be?
The name's Laura.
Let's fucking go.
So, let's kick it and go.
Yeah, we're doing this.
You're all fucking dead.
My god, read the room.
I'm not looking for company.
Get out of here.
You remind me of an angry drunk name.
Sounds like a great guy.
It wasn't finished.
Showed up when it mattered the most.
Couldn't help it.
You might not know it, but
you're a good man, Logan.
You might not know it, but
apparently I'm the worst,
Logan.
I got to have a life because of you.
I got to grow up because of you.
A lot of kids did.
A lot of kids didn't
grow up because of me.
Trust me, kid, I'm no hero.
That suit says different.
Yeah, what do you like it?
What do you like it?
Scott used to beg me to wear it.
So did Gene, Storm, Beast.
All of them.
Wanted me to be part of the team.
Told them they all
looked fucking ridiculous.
I couldn't have them
thinking I wanted to be there.
And then one day,
while I was off on my own,
the humans came.
And went mutant hunting.
I can guess the rest.
No, no, let me.
Let me say it.
I need to say it.
By the time I stumbled
on shit face from the bar,
it was too late.
It was dead, every...
This suit's all I got to
remind me of who they were.
And what I did.
We're headed to Cassandra's at Sohm.
Have fun in my fight.
We won't pull this off without you.
Hey, whoever you think I
am, you got the wrong guy.
You were always the wrong guy.
What?
Elias didn't get them.
Sonner wanted to play
with them herself first.
They got away.
Did they find the others?
No.
Good, all right, you fool.
The others found them.
Oh, very cute, well done, Pyro.
Classic baby swish,
you really got me there.
Relax.
They come after Nova, she'll handle it.
Cassandra is a lunatic wild card.
Why do you think we put
her there in the first place?
I'm told she's never
chosen to leave the void.
The time river is
hours away from completion.
I can't take any chances.
Maybe not, but I can.
For a price.
Why do you have to say
it, that silly voice?
It's so icky.
You want it done or not?
All right, your price, take her out.
Mutants.
Woo!
Bring them out, bring them out
It's hard to yell when
the bad rails in your mouth
Come on
Bring them out, bring them out
Hey Bring them out, bring them out
Yeah, if you keep coming
live, I'm gonna be happy
Heard the night light go
bright, would that be both
Baby, stay warm, see by me
The whole city gets a little dirty
Look at that, yeah.
See them big old hands coming through?
Is there not a
one-hundred-nothing inside?
What Gambit's trying to say
is getting Juggernaut's helmet
ain't gonna be easy.
I'm just making stuff up with this.
Yeah, tilt up to blame.
Run!
This is
the same thing to Philly,
I haven't heard any checks.
I don't think you should.
Where do you get that little beauty?
That's the one that shares 18 floors.
What's the punishment?
There's been like five of them.
There's only been one blade.
There's only ever gonna be one blade.
Bring them out, go on the
last show, better than last
I got a one-hundred-nothing inside
Bring them out, bring them out
You better get on your wheel
You're my master
Boy Who's a Portuguese
teacher
You better be ready to laughable
I made my way You're aoop You're aoop And I can't stay
gloves and jeans
My name is
Oh, this is gonna be good.
You know how long I've
been waiting for this?
Whoo, I'm about to make
a name for myself here.
I don't think you
guys walk away from this.
You just make sure people know what
happened here today.
When you get out of here,
you have a drink for me, yeah?
You'll stay without six, get inside.
We'll make sure you get the package.
And we'll get our ending.
Some motherfucker's still
trying to hide skate up here.
You two escaping I could live with,
but coming back, willingly.
Boys are so silly.
I just need to get home.
Well, that's not on the menu, I'm afraid.
It's death or
enslavement, and a cart, of course.
Up to the...
Finally, it's nice to give
someone else a chance to talk.
Not my strength, sir.
Should've known I'd die.
Adios, Ben Nihon.
You are an interesting one, aren't you?
I do feel like you get
lost behind all of this.
Deadpools are a dime a
dozen here in the void.
But you, what's going on in here?
Interesting.
How are they selected back here?
Behind the anchor.
You're hiding from them,
from all the ones you let down.
So much pain.
I walked away.
They called after me and I walked away.
I always do.
I know.
That's not all you did, is it?
You found them, the X-Men?
Dead.
Dead?
But I would.
What did you do?
I started killing and I couldn't stop.
I didn't want to stop.
All those bad men.
It's not just the bad ones.
My little animal.
I turned the whole
world against the X-Men.
I just was.
I want to be the man
that Charles Stoker was.
Logan, in the void you
can be, hold to you all.
I just want to be free.
I can set you free.
I can silence all those voices. I've got you.
I've got you.
I got you.
You're gonna send us home
where I'm gonna twist
your fucking head off.
Why are you laughing?
I can't send you unless you
get this thing off my head.
And as soon as you do that,
I'm going to boil your
brains on an atomic level
whilst flicking my bean
to the end of your box set.
This end of your box set?
Either you kill me or I kill you.
Both wonderful options.
You want me to do it?
No, Hollywood.
I have her net right
here, it's really no problem.
You'll screw it up.
Oh come on, Mr. PT-13
except the last one.
What the fuck?
No, no, no.
You have no idea what it's like.
Day after day, shovel the shit.
Fetch the meats.
I have spent my entire...
Steven!
Not everyone gets a speech.
She's gonna die.
Okay, hey, hey, if I
take this helmet off,
you promise you won't kill us.
I promise I will kill you first.
Why are you like this?
I wish I knew.
Take it off.
What?
Take it off.
Why?
Just take it off.
This is our only chance to fix our shit.
Take it off!
I am wearing a suit.
And that means a lot of things,
but most of all, it means I'm an X-Man.
And I know your brother.
As much as I'm gonna fucking kill you,
every bone in my body
must fucking kill you.
He would not let me
stand here and watch you die.
To Ganzhoff.
This is for him.
This is for Charles.
Don't you dare do it like Johnny.
My brother loved you.
He loved all of us?
Hmm. Must be nice.
He would have loved you too.
If he knew about you,
if he knew where you were,
he would have torn a
hole in the fucking universe
to bring you home.
This is for him.
At least let us save his.
No, I'm not gonna say that.
I'm not gonna say that. You wanna hear something crazy?
And I'm a cheer magician
who rolled through here
a while back.
I killed him, of course,
wore his skin around for four days.
But I felt this little trinket
on his lovely fingers.
Strange.
Very sparkly circle.
What is that?
This is your way home.
I do owe you for saving my life,
but let's keep things interesting.
I'd say you have about four seconds
before your life's through.
Race you.
I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar
I'll answer
You got this heart
Embrace you
All day through
In that small cafe
Your trash can wait
And the jungle is here so
The jungle is waiting
We shall know
I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day
I'll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is through
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you
As I guess, we got a standard three year
bummer to bummer warranty.
Glad you gave us a second chance.
And don't worry, Wade and I are a team,
so I'll see you again after...
That feels like a
fucking kid car, wasn't it?
Oh.
Holy shit, that's Deadpool.
That's Wolverine.
You damn straight it is.
Fox killed him.
Disney brought him back.
They're gonna make him
do this till he's 90.
Let's go.
I'll clock you out.
Forever.
Wakey wakey.
Okay.
Now you put all these bullets in my belly
and I'm gonna find out why.
Whoa, whoa!
How'd you say it?
You don't have to
stick your fingers in me.
Jesus, just ask sometimes.
Fine.
Really?
Hands and pockets.
A guy named Herodox.
He said he'd give me out of the void.
All I know is he works for the TVA.
The TVA?
You didn't agree with him.
I didn't agree with him.
I don't think this guy cares.
Huh, he will.
Hey people, how much longer
before the time repper is active?
We're running the final safety checks.
Oh, okay, all right,
thanks for all your hard work,
Ralph, take a jump.
Really?
No, you drooling boob.
No, we have company,
cancel the safety checks.
We need to be live now.
Oh, I saved you so much.
No, stop, piss off, you're too late.
Fucking done.
I was more crying.
How dare you?
No one comes back from the void.
Tell that to Cassandra Nolva.
Peridox, we have a problem.
Peridox?
When you are dourier than
you looked in Peridox's head,
you tried to kill me.
I literally have no idea.
I'm the king, you better kill the king.
Oh, welcome to the
skull fuck club, Peridox.
You know she doesn't wash that ass.
Oh, what's this?
A time repper, a naughty boy.
Oh no, we're on it, we're gonna head down
and dismantle that thing now.
We got you, boo, you just
keep playing those keys.
I don't want to destroy it.
I want to use it.
Now shoot, mommy and daddy
are having a conversation.
You know the funny things?
I was happy in the void.
You sent no trash to me,
the life that I cleaned it up.
Everyone was happy.
And you had to go and
piss on my side of the front.
And so now the fence must come down.
I'm going to use a little time repper
and I'm going to destroy this universe
and the next and the next and the next
until all that's left is done.
And I get to pray God.
Come on.
Now, who are going to show me how to use
this fancy gadget of yours?
Don't worry, I've called some friends
and they sure were not disturbed.
Sorry to bother, madam,
but there's something you need to see.
We're getting indications of an
unsanctioned time repper
activating on Earth 1005.
Whose district is that?
Paradox.
Well, thank you so much
for your help, darling.
God, good to get out of that head.
What a mess.
Stop.
Let's give it a beat
for the extra stick-lear.
Go, go, go, go.
Oh my God.
It's gone.
Come on, girl.
My girl, we don't have to
be a car ever, ever again.
Never, ever again.
Sorry.
Fuck.
What's cafe gratitude doing here?
Sorry about that.
Tremble nut, sweet Mary Evans.
Oh, that's a little...
Come here, girl.
Papazia.
Hey, do not insult
this animal's autonomy.
She can decide who her papa is.
What's it gonna be, girl, huh?
Original recipe?
Or then milder here.
Oh, it's funny.
I can gently tap the fourth wall too.
The proposal.
The fuck was that?
Bitch, you think that's what I do?
Both of you, shut up.
You smell something?
Yeah, you.
A lot of you.
Don't you know a lot
of Deadpools over there?
That's bad.
I take it they're not friendly.
Goodness, no.
Sorry about this, boys.
Mission over.
Cause of death, 100.
Kill thirsty Deadpools.
They're dumb, but they can fight.
Not me though.
I'd love to get in the mix,
but I have low bone density
and I have to keep my face safe.
Hold please.
Oh, okay.
All right, look.
Guys!
Deadpool Prime here.
Our fight isn't with you.
Hey, when I want your opinions,
I'll take Wolverine's
dick out of your mouth.
That's Kidpool, she's the dirtiest.
Can we just be done?
Ooh, we're just getting started.
No, no, no, no, no.
With the whole multiverse thing.
It's not great.
It's just been miss
after miss after miss.
Wizard of Oz did the multiverse first
and they did it best.
The gays knew it, but we didn't listen.
Let's just take the I and move on.
I think it's been
steadily great since Endgame.
What are you talking about?
The multiverse is over.
Sandy gonna destroy the
fuck out of every time.
I don't care to do shit about it.
Do you not get it?
If we don't get out of
the subway, it's stopped
or we all die.
Say the boss lady
don't want no disturbance.
You wanna get down to the subway?
You gotta go through what?
Lizzy time, baby.
Look alive.
I think I'm hit.
Oh shit, you did that on purpose.
I did no such thing.
Listen to me, gorgeous.
How long does it take
for you to regenerate?
Regenerate?
You really are God's
perfect idiot, aren't you?
I'm okay.
How dare you, you
insensitive son of a bitch.
How was I supposed to
know he doesn't regenerate?
I'm not a medicine woman.
Look, a donut cart.
They're practically hospitals.
They sell portable triage units.
I know.
I'm gonna get you to safety.
Please, Papa.
Deep breath.
Hey, where are we stopping?
Just catching my breath.
Are your legs on vacation?
You're dead weight.
Just because I'm paralyzed.
We all have problems.
Listen to me.
You're gonna live.
Look at me, nice call.
Here, come over here.
Say it.
I'm gonna live.
Say it with me.
You're gonna live.
Ha ha.
Say it with me.
I'm gonna live.
Hold your fire.
Sweet little puppy.
I don't think he's gonna make it.
God, he loved his face.
I could taste his final thought.
He was so afraid.
But he died a hero.
He died from murder, you dumb fuck.
All I have to remember him by
are these two gold-plated,
50 caliber desert eagle pistol arrows.
This is for him.
Are you ready?
I get to kill 100 youths.
Fuck you, I'm ready.
You don't wanna see this, bro.
That's a good girl.
Life is a mystery
Everyone must stand alone
I hear you cry my name
And it feels like
I'm home
Holy shit.
You saved the good
stuff for special occasions?
Killing mostly.
What's the wind resistance
on those blowjob headings?
Sorry, just a gatty
picture, but I'm jealous.
All right, let's do this.
Maximum effort.
When I go back to
Suck a little bit
I've got so many
I'm gonna take you back
And leave my head
I can feel your bones
Just now, oh yeah
You know I'll take you back
I see you
I'm gonna take you back
You know you just don't know
You know I'll take you back
What the fuck?
I wish I would have.
I'm gonna take you back
Just now, oh yeah
When I go back to
I'm gonna take you back
Come on, I blew it.
After all that, the only
thing you're gonna remember
is that god-awful dismount.
What are you laughing at, little fucker?
Oh no.
I guess these ones regenerate.
Come on, we have time for this.
Dead fools, stand down.
This dead fool's with me.
Oh no.
Holy shit.
That's fucking Peter.
Wait, you guys know Peter?
Are you kidding me?
Every dead fool has a Peter.
Shit, Peter's a god damn legend
in every dead fool's world.
Give me something.
Enjoy my Peter.
Oh, now you're here.
Oh well, you're too late, it's all over.
Not yet, it's not.
No, no, no, no, but we're very close.
Homestretch, folks, promise.
Quick, let's have the steaks.
If she steals the time represented,
she has the power to shred
the fabric of all the realities
until there is nothing left but the void.
How do we shut it down?
I don't know.
The mask is really intimidating, huh?
It's like Batman
except he can move his neck.
Okay, look, look, look, look, look.
The Ripper is fed from a
secure chamber below ground.
It is powered by twin
matter and antimatter feeds
converging inside the device.
Now Cassandra Nova is
redirecting the Ripper's power
to eliminate all
timelines, starting with this one.
Theoretically, you could stop her
by short circuiting the
feeds in the chamber below.
One of you would create a
circuit between the two feeds,
then the released power
would destroy the machine.
But, well, come on, man.
If you're not gonna swallow, spit it out.
Whoever formed the
bridge would be annihilated.
I could live with that.
I could live with that too, actually.
You don't need to survive anything.
We're like cockroaches.
Not this time.
This is matter and antimatter.
They do not play nicely with each other.
When they mix in your
body, you will be atomized.
Trust the laws of
physics if you don't trust me.
Even if you lived long
enough to make the circuit,
you will die down there.
Hold up, hold up.
You heard that asshole upstairs.
Even if we pull this off,
we're dead, permanently.
That's why it's gotta be me.
What?
Look, man, you didn't
ask for any of this.
You were right.
I lied.
I lied right to your face.
Just to get you to help me, you did.
You didn't lie.
You made an educated wish.
Come on.
You got a whole world to go back to.
I got nothing.
Give me this.
Hey.
I waited a long time for this team up.
You know something?
You're the best Wolverine.
Say hi to your friends for me.
Open the door.
I can't hear you over
all the noble sacrifice.
Why are you fucking doing this?
Because I'm Marvel Jesus.
We're Spock.
Aren't you, Sam?
Hey!
You're fucking it.
Sorry, I'm just stalling.
I think I'm nervous about dying.
You should be me.
Say hi to my friends for me, Peter.
Why?
You wanna be an annoying type?
You're just sorry.
You're gonna die again, you don't fuck.
Hey, you don't need to do this.
I'm not doing it because I need it.
I'm doing it because they do.
No!
All right.
He's not gonna make it.
It's over.
The Wolverine is a hero in my world.
Whoever you think I am,
you got the wrong guy.
You were always the wrong guy.
Till you weren't.
Wait.
Wait, you can finally, finally, matter.
Phyllis. I've seen Vanessa.
For the first time in
my life, I am proud.
The way it is.
He means I'm an ex-man.
I am the ex-man.
Tarrantox.
You've been busy.
Well, somebody has been.
We had some strange
readings from this location.
You wouldn't know anything about an
unsanctioned time river,
would you?
No, no, I wouldn't know anything
about an unsanctioned time river.
Maybe you should ask Cassandra Nova,
because I was assured that
she was safely held in the void.
But no, she was here
and she fondled my brain.
How did she let this happen?
You weren't involved at all.
In stopping her, yes, yes, I was.
But not nearly enough.
Not as much as the men who
went down there after her.
My men, my friends,
I warned them, but they would be
completely obliterated
if they went, but they went anyway, like,
like heroes.
Because that's who they were.
They just did what they had to do.
We both concerned for their own safety.
The fact that we are
all still standing here
is a testament to their heroism.
Anyway, there's nothing you or I can do
to bring them back now.
He has risen baby girl
Fuck!
And I don't want you to see me
Cause I don't think
we're made in any style
No, everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know why
Now, here's your new anchor, Pete.
And we're doing just
fine in piece of shit.
Fine indeed.
All right, put your greasy
tits away, you preening slut.
I don't understand.
How are you two still alive?
You're right, one of us
would have been killed.
But you put a Deadpool
and a Wolverine together,
make them hold hands
while listening to Madonna?
Indestructible motherfucker.
Let's get this Deadpool
variant back to the void.
Wait, hold on, what?
Nope, actually, this one's homegrown.
Like me, he belongs here.
And you are?
Peter Poole.
But you can call me Peter.
And I hope that you do.
What the fuck is happening here?
You are under judgment
for operating an
unsanctioned time-ripper.
Take it.
I was just doing what you
don't have the guts to do.
Get off, get off, your
fists want hands off fists.
I'm grateful, gentlemen.
Let's hold the bowels.
You led an Omega level
mutant to this timeline.
You're welcome.
And you shouldn't even
be near this timeline.
He's welcome.
And you look damn good in that suit.
I'm so sorry.
I wanna show you something.
Something huge.
That's what
Scoutmaster Kevin used to say.
Do you see that?
Your universe is regenerating.
Whatever you did here, you
not only saved your world,
you spared your timeline from extinction.
I've messed up.
I have a feeling your work
is only just getting started.
Till you're 90.
Wait!
We couldn't have made it out of the void
without some help from some people
that the world kinda forgot.
Is there any way that
you could maybe find a way
to bring them home?
I'll see what I can do.
And I promised my friend here
that the TVA could undo
some pretty awful shit
in his timeline.
What would you say to that?
Changed the past.
He did help me save the world.
And his past made him the man who did it.
There's nothing to fix, Mr. Wilson.
Look at him.
Torma, I get to eat now.
You know the Avengers discovered Torma.
I'd be lucky to have you.
Fuck off!
Hold my little country,
he has a deal, you're up through fiber.
Look, all is right in the world.
Yes it is.
So what are you gonna do next?
I'll figure it out.
I always do.
All right.
So I'll probably see you around.
Probably not.
See you, mother.
Hogan!
Al, my back.
About damn time, you hold it.
I'm all out of devil's dancin'
and I'm shaking like an angry fireplace.
Thank you, Al.
We have company.
Althea, this is Logan.
Nice to meet you, Logan.
Nice to meet you too.
And this little ancient,
anal shit-knot is Mary Poppins.
Or as I like to call her, dog pool.
You wanna treat
yourself to a little stroke?
Look at the tongue.
Oh my God, motherfucker!
Right, it's like an
armadillo fucked a gremlin,
angrily, in a bed of gonorrhea,
and didn't stop till the sun came up.
Everyone wants to matter.
Turns out that you don't need to be
more than Jesus to do it.
You just need to open
your eyes and look around.
And if you're lucky,
you'll find a few friends.
Old friends and some new ones too.
Give me the fucking
dog, talk to the girl.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
You've been busy?
I did it for you.
If you don't want me, I did it for you.
Turns out, I am the world's saving type.
Just look around this
table if you want proof.
For the best part,
sometimes the people we save,
they save us right back.
You are not the only one with gifts.
What is this place?
Another turn and boy, a
fork stuck in the road
I grabbed you by the
rest, direct you where to go
Don't make the best of
this test and notice why
It's not in question but a lesson in time
Hi, you.
This is Stanley.
I really like the art
in the Deadpool comics.
You know, I just always
felt kind of a kinship to him.
I like to play that guy someday.
I was there for three weeks
before I shot a single thing.
For that first day of
shooting, I was so nervous, man.
Everyone was sort of
going, "Use this guy."
You know, there was a lot of that.
You know, he was going to deliver
and you can feel all
that kind of pressure.
Always the suits are cold.
Never be able to do that.
This is the only way.
Got something to protect our bones
And the others right
I hope you end the time of your life
Oh, this is what it is.
And there's Alexa.
I'm a medical researcher.
Bye, media.
Bye.
I'm tired of these absolutely vile rumors
that I got Johnny killed.
Let's look at the tape.
In the void, you're either food for Elias
or you work for her.
Go on, Johnny.
And I'll tell you who her is.
Cassandra Nova, a
megalomaniacal psychotic asshole.
A finger-licking dead inside pixie slab
at third rate dime store in Ducknell.
And I'll tell you what she can do.
I'm listening.
She can lick my
goddamn cinnamon ring clean
and kick rocks all the way to bald hell.
In fact, I don't give a
shit if she removes all my skin
and pops me like some
nightmarish blood balloon.
If the last thing I do
with this, God forsaken,
come gut her existence,
is like that fuck box on a
fire I still won't die happy.
Holy shit, girl, you crazy.
That's right, wait.
I won't be happy until I've urinated
on a freshly barbecued corpse
and husk fuck that chime remains
while gargling juggernuts juggernuts.
Wow.
And you can quote me.
Okay.
Gotcha, fuck face.