1 00:00:19,289 --> 00:00:21,491 - Hey there! - Hi. 2 00:00:21,524 --> 00:00:22,724 Your hair used to be brown. 3 00:00:22,758 --> 00:00:24,825 - Still is. - No, no, it's brown and gray. 4 00:00:24,859 --> 00:00:26,393 Yeah, mostly brown, though. 5 00:00:26,426 --> 00:00:29,327 And gray. Brown and gray. 6 00:00:29,360 --> 00:00:31,361 Thank you so much for coming, thanks. 7 00:00:31,395 --> 00:00:32,863 It's nice. 8 00:00:32,896 --> 00:00:35,530 Beth, can I get more cream in my coffee? 9 00:00:35,564 --> 00:00:39,265 Make it a lot more. Thank you, Beth. 10 00:00:39,299 --> 00:00:40,499 - Hi. - Fan: Hey. 11 00:00:44,701 --> 00:00:46,468 Gee, there sure are a lot of ladies in line. 12 00:00:46,502 --> 00:00:47,536 There's the benefit of having 13 00:00:47,570 --> 00:00:49,737 two strapping lumbersexuals as your leads, Chip. 14 00:00:49,771 --> 00:00:50,837 Are you guys talking about me again? 15 00:00:50,871 --> 00:00:52,705 Cream me up, please, Beth. Thank you. 16 00:00:52,738 --> 00:00:54,406 Hey, everybody, miss me? 17 00:00:54,439 --> 00:00:56,440 ( cheers, applause ) 18 00:00:59,541 --> 00:01:01,576 - Hey, pal. - Where you been, buddy? 19 00:01:01,609 --> 00:01:04,243 I had to put myself on tape for a commercial audition. 20 00:01:04,276 --> 00:01:05,444 How's that work, Rich? 21 00:01:05,477 --> 00:01:07,545 You have to actually prove you have erectile dysfunction 22 00:01:07,579 --> 00:01:08,579 or they just trust you? 23 00:01:08,612 --> 00:01:10,313 You don't do comedy, do you, Sue? 24 00:01:10,346 --> 00:01:11,480 Hi, sweetie. 25 00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:15,849 Hey there. Oh... 26 00:01:15,883 --> 00:01:17,350 You look nervous. 27 00:01:17,383 --> 00:01:19,183 I can't believe I'm actually talking to you. 28 00:01:19,216 --> 00:01:21,318 You're the best. 29 00:01:21,351 --> 00:01:23,185 Hey, you hear that, gang? 30 00:01:23,218 --> 00:01:24,687 This one gets it. 31 00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:26,521 What can I sign for you, honey? 32 00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:29,589 Actually, I was wondering... where's the bathroom? 33 00:01:32,390 --> 00:01:36,358 Uh... it's out the double doors, around the corner on your right. 34 00:01:36,391 --> 00:01:39,894 Thanks. My mom thinks you're really cute. 35 00:01:39,927 --> 00:01:41,528 Lovely. 36 00:01:42,528 --> 00:01:44,195 Bring me my goddamn scotch. 37 00:01:44,662 --> 00:01:47,698 - Creamer, creamer, sorry. - Fan: Are they drinking? 38 00:01:47,731 --> 00:01:51,532 You know, back in the day Bernie Kopell and I didn't have to ask 39 00:01:51,565 --> 00:01:53,767 to get drunk at a convention, we just did it. 40 00:01:53,801 --> 00:01:55,267 Hell, Bernie demanded it. 41 00:01:55,300 --> 00:02:00,203 The man was a stern taskmaster but you don't say no to a goddamn legend. 42 00:02:00,236 --> 00:02:03,538 He's actually very nice. He's just having a moment. 43 00:02:03,571 --> 00:02:04,606 - Hi. - Hi. 44 00:02:06,639 --> 00:02:09,708 Wow. Did you make this? 45 00:02:09,741 --> 00:02:12,575 I worked for two years to make one for each of you. 46 00:02:12,609 --> 00:02:15,477 It's amazing. It looks just like me. 47 00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:17,712 Except that guy has less glue holding his hair in place. 48 00:02:18,845 --> 00:02:20,212 Um, where-- where should I-- 49 00:02:20,245 --> 00:02:22,914 It's a little fragile so if you can just sign along maybe the-- 50 00:02:22,947 --> 00:02:26,182 - Oh! Oh, Jesus. - You know what? It's okay. 51 00:02:26,215 --> 00:02:28,283 Why don't I give you something else to sign? 52 00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:31,284 - It's kinda drying to my hand. - The glue is still a little bit tacky. 53 00:02:31,317 --> 00:02:32,317 A little soap and water will take care of that. 54 00:02:32,351 --> 00:02:34,185 - I have real sensitive skin. - Okay, okay. 55 00:02:34,218 --> 00:02:36,219 It's really starting to burn. 56 00:02:37,821 --> 00:02:39,455 Oh. 57 00:02:39,488 --> 00:02:42,255 - Goddamn it, Rob. - I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to. 58 00:02:42,289 --> 00:02:43,624 Give me that. 59 00:02:43,657 --> 00:02:44,657 No, no. 60 00:02:45,725 --> 00:02:46,725 Oh! 61 00:02:50,793 --> 00:02:52,494 ( whimpers ) 62 00:03:02,398 --> 00:03:04,566 Did you want this personalized? 63 00:03:04,599 --> 00:03:07,434 ( opening credits music ) 64 00:03:11,670 --> 00:03:14,504 ♪ Looking for a sign 65 00:03:14,537 --> 00:03:17,438 ♪ Looking for a table set for fun ♪ 66 00:03:17,472 --> 00:03:20,674 ♪ Set the alarm to exactly half-past none ♪ 67 00:03:23,208 --> 00:03:26,710 ♪ Just tell me where to sign for you ♪ 68 00:03:28,478 --> 00:03:29,478 ( phone ringing ) 69 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:36,648 Recording: Good morning, Mr. Jablowmie. 70 00:03:36,681 --> 00:03:39,216 This is your wake-up call for 8 am. 71 00:03:52,722 --> 00:03:54,423 - Holy... - Sheboygan, Wisconsin. 72 00:03:54,456 --> 00:03:57,591 They can't really spring this on us like this, can they? 73 00:03:57,624 --> 00:03:58,959 "Dear performers, 74 00:03:58,992 --> 00:04:02,292 this weekend marks the launch of our inaugural Cirque de Cabaret. 75 00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:06,628 Please prepare one circus-style bit to perform tomorrow night. 76 00:04:06,662 --> 00:04:10,263 Congratulations on your contractually- obligated participation. 77 00:04:10,296 --> 00:04:11,665 We look forward to your performance." 78 00:04:11,698 --> 00:04:12,931 This is bullshit. 79 00:04:12,965 --> 00:04:14,066 What are you guys gonna do? 80 00:04:14,099 --> 00:04:16,833 - Sing a hymn. - Speak French, take my shirt off. 81 00:04:16,867 --> 00:04:18,801 So I'm the only one who doesn't have an act? 82 00:04:18,834 --> 00:04:19,902 Oui. 83 00:04:19,935 --> 00:04:21,936 Aloha, gang. 84 00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:23,903 Hey, have you seen this thing about the event tomorrow night? 85 00:04:23,936 --> 00:04:25,771 Cirque de Cabaret? Oh, yeah. 86 00:04:25,804 --> 00:04:27,271 - I know about it. - Well, what are you gonna do? 87 00:04:27,304 --> 00:04:31,674 Well, Robbie and I recently worked up a pretty air-tight juggling bit. 88 00:04:31,707 --> 00:04:33,741 - I love juggling. - Why did you do that? 89 00:04:33,775 --> 00:04:36,442 Susan, my father taught me at a tender age, 90 00:04:36,475 --> 00:04:39,344 always keep a blue blazer in your suitcase, jumper cables in your car 91 00:04:39,377 --> 00:04:42,245 and a solid 15 minute circus act in your back pocket. 92 00:04:43,546 --> 00:04:44,880 You're an idiot. 93 00:04:44,913 --> 00:04:47,682 But a prepared idiot, thank you very much. 94 00:04:48,648 --> 00:04:50,749 Roberto. Hey, mandatory meeting. 95 00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:53,684 What's up, buddy? 96 00:04:53,717 --> 00:04:55,518 - I booked a commercial. - What? 97 00:04:55,551 --> 00:04:56,652 - Yeah. - Dude, that's awesome. 98 00:04:56,686 --> 00:04:57,719 Thank you, yeah, it's a national. 99 00:04:57,752 --> 00:04:59,953 - Agent just emailed me this morning. - Jackpot! 100 00:04:59,987 --> 00:05:01,220 - Yeah. - What's it for? 101 00:05:01,254 --> 00:05:04,856 Some... diarrhea-curing abdominal rub that also exfoliates. 102 00:05:04,890 --> 00:05:06,723 - Huh. - Yeah. 103 00:05:06,756 --> 00:05:08,791 - Yeah! - Yeah! 104 00:05:08,824 --> 00:05:10,825 One snag. 105 00:05:10,858 --> 00:05:12,492 I gotta be shirtless. 106 00:05:12,526 --> 00:05:14,326 That's cool, man. You look awesome. 107 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:15,828 Portly is the new ripped. 108 00:05:15,861 --> 00:05:17,095 Yeah, I know. I just-- 109 00:05:17,128 --> 00:05:19,729 Before I show some skin I'd like to give the old torso a tune-up. 110 00:05:19,762 --> 00:05:21,897 - Right. The old torso tune-up. - Right. 111 00:05:21,930 --> 00:05:23,931 - What to be done? - Huh. 112 00:05:23,964 --> 00:05:25,799 Dude, problem solved. 113 00:05:28,332 --> 00:05:30,902 Hey, Matt... Matt. 114 00:05:30,935 --> 00:05:32,635 I'm not investing in Amway. 115 00:05:32,668 --> 00:05:33,502 I'm not doing that anymore. 116 00:05:33,536 --> 00:05:36,870 No, Rich booked a national commercial. 117 00:05:36,904 --> 00:05:38,404 - Weird. - Thanks. 118 00:05:38,438 --> 00:05:40,505 Yeah, and he has to take his shirt off for it 119 00:05:40,539 --> 00:05:42,473 which is disconcerting for all of us, 120 00:05:42,506 --> 00:05:46,975 but, then I realized, Matt has an unhealthy obsession with his body 121 00:05:47,009 --> 00:05:50,410 so he can help Rich, you know, put him through the motions, 122 00:05:50,444 --> 00:05:51,911 trim off that muffin top. 123 00:05:51,944 --> 00:05:54,245 - No. - Gosh, come on, man. 124 00:05:54,279 --> 00:05:56,447 Please, I don't wanna go on camera looking like Papa Smurf. 125 00:05:59,815 --> 00:06:02,348 You'd have to do everything I ask when I ask you to do it. 126 00:06:02,382 --> 00:06:03,550 I can do that. 127 00:06:03,583 --> 00:06:05,284 Push yourself beyond anything you ever thought possible. 128 00:06:05,317 --> 00:06:06,551 I can do that. 129 00:06:06,584 --> 00:06:08,385 And you'd have to pay me $50 an hour, cash, under the table 130 00:06:08,418 --> 00:06:09,786 for a minimum commitment of five hours. 131 00:06:09,820 --> 00:06:11,787 - Ah... - He could do that... 132 00:06:14,388 --> 00:06:16,456 Let's do this shit. 133 00:06:16,489 --> 00:06:19,957 The most important part of all workouts... the stretch. 134 00:06:19,991 --> 00:06:21,891 - Hah! - Hah! 135 00:06:21,925 --> 00:06:23,625 Haah... 136 00:06:23,659 --> 00:06:25,793 Haah... Aah! 137 00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:27,928 One. 138 00:06:29,762 --> 00:06:32,030 - ( grunting ) - Three. 139 00:06:32,063 --> 00:06:33,263 ( groaning ) 140 00:06:34,797 --> 00:06:37,766 Do uou want the director to call you Fatty McFat Fuck when you walk on set? 141 00:06:37,799 --> 00:06:38,799 No. 142 00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:42,568 How-- How do I decline, incline? 143 00:06:45,569 --> 00:06:46,636 Twenty-four. 144 00:06:49,804 --> 00:06:53,773 Do you want America to collectively shut off their TVs in revulsion 145 00:06:53,806 --> 00:06:56,007 - when they see you on screen? - No. 146 00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,742 Fifty-eight. 147 00:06:58,776 --> 00:07:01,744 Do you want your makeup artist to projectile vomit 148 00:07:01,777 --> 00:07:03,478 at the sight of your hideous face? 149 00:07:03,511 --> 00:07:05,879 - Why-- why... - Shut up! 150 00:07:05,912 --> 00:07:07,246 A hundred! 151 00:07:09,914 --> 00:07:10,914 One. 152 00:07:10,948 --> 00:07:13,515 - ( grunt ) - I can't get up. 153 00:07:13,548 --> 00:07:15,349 I can't get up. 154 00:07:15,382 --> 00:07:18,918 I did it... Matt? 155 00:07:19,918 --> 00:07:22,320 Mattie? Matt? 156 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:25,921 A little help? Aah! 157 00:07:30,090 --> 00:07:32,724 ( phone rings ) 158 00:07:34,358 --> 00:07:35,526 ( grunts ) 159 00:07:35,559 --> 00:07:38,027 ( phone rings ) 160 00:07:41,796 --> 00:07:43,529 The hell? 161 00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:45,965 What the shit? 162 00:07:46,865 --> 00:07:49,432 ( phone rings ) 163 00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:52,501 Hey, there's something wrong with my arms! 164 00:07:52,534 --> 00:07:53,634 Recording: Good morning, Mr. Jablowmie. 165 00:07:53,667 --> 00:07:55,935 - This is your wake-up call for 8 am. - Ah! fuck. 166 00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:01,438 ( groaning ) 167 00:08:01,471 --> 00:08:02,438 - Damn it! - ( knock on door ) 168 00:08:02,471 --> 00:08:05,640 - Waiter: Hola, room service. - Rich: Come in. 169 00:08:07,875 --> 00:08:10,642 I got the chorizo you ordered... 170 00:08:10,675 --> 00:08:12,610 Oh! 171 00:08:12,643 --> 00:08:16,512 I'll give you veinte dinero, if you help me put on my pantalones. 172 00:08:21,547 --> 00:08:25,749 And that's why Bernie Kopell always shaves his balls. 173 00:08:25,783 --> 00:08:27,283 True story. 174 00:08:27,683 --> 00:08:28,885 ( knocking ) 175 00:08:28,918 --> 00:08:30,018 Come in. 176 00:08:31,552 --> 00:08:32,886 ( knocking ) 177 00:08:39,421 --> 00:08:41,623 What's up, man? Your shower broken? 178 00:08:43,057 --> 00:08:44,424 Mandatory meeting, Robbie. 179 00:08:45,958 --> 00:08:47,993 Just... back up, back, back, back. 180 00:08:49,127 --> 00:08:50,394 How's it going? How'd it go yesterday with Matt? 181 00:08:50,427 --> 00:08:54,863 I thought it went great but... well, today I'm not so sure. 182 00:08:54,897 --> 00:08:57,764 These guns have been in the cabinet a while, Robbie, you know what I mean? 183 00:08:57,798 --> 00:08:58,965 I don't. 184 00:08:58,999 --> 00:09:00,865 - I can't move my arms. - What? 185 00:09:01,900 --> 00:09:03,634 ( screams ) 186 00:09:03,667 --> 00:09:05,735 - Why? - Why? I barely touched you. 187 00:09:05,768 --> 00:09:09,536 I know, I just told you, I really jacked myself up, man. 188 00:09:09,569 --> 00:09:11,738 - It hurts when I do this? - ( screams ) 189 00:09:11,771 --> 00:09:15,039 - Burns like a thousand fires. - Okay, okay, okay, relax. 190 00:09:15,072 --> 00:09:18,407 Rob and Rich... it's time for your panel. 191 00:09:20,508 --> 00:09:22,042 You gotta take point on this, man. 192 00:09:22,075 --> 00:09:24,944 Yeah, it's all good, man, you don't need functioning arms to kill on stage. 193 00:09:24,977 --> 00:09:27,678 Okay, yeah. Okay, let's do it. 194 00:09:27,711 --> 00:09:29,846 - Okay. - ( groans ) 195 00:09:30,813 --> 00:09:31,980 You did that on purpose. 196 00:09:32,014 --> 00:09:33,614 Thank you, Burnsville, Minnesota, 197 00:09:33,648 --> 00:09:37,583 I love you, I love you, I love you, but now it is time to bring to the stage... 198 00:09:37,616 --> 00:09:39,951 Richard Slate and Rob Bennett. 199 00:09:40,384 --> 00:09:41,717 ( cheers, applause ) 200 00:09:41,751 --> 00:09:43,919 - Whoo! - Oh, shit. 201 00:09:48,988 --> 00:09:52,757 There we go, all right, take care. Have fun. 202 00:09:52,790 --> 00:09:54,791 - ( mic thumps, feedback ) - Fuck 203 00:09:58,126 --> 00:10:00,960 What's up, Burnsville, my people? 204 00:10:04,895 --> 00:10:06,096 That went well, I thought. 205 00:10:07,496 --> 00:10:11,032 I had to re-enact my entire jumping jacks bit using only my eyes. 206 00:10:11,065 --> 00:10:13,365 People probably thought I had Bell's Palsy. 207 00:10:16,668 --> 00:10:18,535 Fuck... Ugh.. I could use a little help here. 208 00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:21,336 Where? 209 00:10:22,170 --> 00:10:25,072 - Unzip me. - What? Come on. 210 00:10:25,105 --> 00:10:28,106 Dude, I'm code yellow. I gotta go bad. 211 00:10:28,140 --> 00:10:30,407 You've been standing there for three minutes, what have you been doing? 212 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,675 Trying to will away my need to pee. 213 00:10:32,708 --> 00:10:34,442 It didn't work. 214 00:10:35,043 --> 00:10:36,144 Oh, Jesus. 215 00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:38,811 Just be glad I'm not a code brown. Now, come on, unzip. 216 00:10:40,946 --> 00:10:43,479 - Come on. - I gotta get your shirt up first. 217 00:10:43,513 --> 00:10:44,581 Holy shit. 218 00:10:44,614 --> 00:10:46,615 Oh, come on, man! 219 00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:52,417 Now what are you doing? 220 00:10:52,450 --> 00:10:54,953 Trying to get snake out of the cave. 221 00:10:54,986 --> 00:10:58,420 Okay, well, hurry up, will ya? That circus starts in a few minutes. 222 00:10:58,453 --> 00:11:00,721 I'm well aware. 223 00:11:00,754 --> 00:11:03,690 This is-- oh-- This is a nightmare. 224 00:11:03,723 --> 00:11:05,858 Come on, you try doing this without any hands. 225 00:11:05,891 --> 00:11:08,925 - I don't-- I-- - Fuck. 226 00:11:08,959 --> 00:11:10,459 You good? 227 00:11:12,627 --> 00:11:14,094 Pull it out. 228 00:11:14,128 --> 00:11:16,562 - Fuck you. - Robbie, I'm dying. 229 00:11:16,596 --> 00:11:17,729 I'll fly your body home. 230 00:11:17,762 --> 00:11:20,530 - I'm gonna explode, Robbie. - I'll alert housekeeping. 231 00:11:20,564 --> 00:11:22,932 - Bro hun! - Don't call me bro hun. 232 00:11:26,466 --> 00:11:28,467 ( peeing ) 233 00:11:29,568 --> 00:11:30,435 Oh, boy. 234 00:11:33,570 --> 00:11:35,171 You really left me hanging in there, Rob. 235 00:11:35,204 --> 00:11:36,972 Bad choice of words, buddy. Oh. 236 00:11:37,005 --> 00:11:38,306 - God. - Yeah. 237 00:11:38,340 --> 00:11:41,440 What if I had pulled it out? Who would've put it back in, huh? 238 00:11:41,473 --> 00:11:42,808 Not this guy. 239 00:11:42,841 --> 00:11:44,609 You would've been pulling a nosy neighbor for the rest of the day. 240 00:11:44,642 --> 00:11:45,709 I did you a favor. 241 00:11:45,742 --> 00:11:48,010 Smells like a parking garage stairwell back here. 242 00:11:48,043 --> 00:11:49,677 I miss those days. 243 00:11:49,711 --> 00:11:52,779 Rob, I cannot go out on stage looking like this. 244 00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,914 No. No, you can't. 245 00:11:57,514 --> 00:11:59,015 I don't want a beer. 246 00:11:59,616 --> 00:12:01,183 Aah! 247 00:12:01,216 --> 00:12:03,851 Oh, ooh hoo! Hoo! 248 00:12:03,885 --> 00:12:05,752 Now it all matches. 249 00:12:05,785 --> 00:12:07,619 Quick thinking, buddy. 250 00:12:07,652 --> 00:12:09,653 Thanks, it's not my first pre-show pant piss. 251 00:12:09,686 --> 00:12:12,822 Thank you guys so much. I love you people. 252 00:12:16,056 --> 00:12:17,991 Good luck following Push-Up Paradise. 253 00:12:18,024 --> 00:12:20,625 - ( music plays ) - That's our cue. 254 00:12:20,658 --> 00:12:22,894 - Whoo. - Whoo, all right. 255 00:12:22,927 --> 00:12:24,827 Who's ready for some juggling? 256 00:12:24,860 --> 00:12:26,828 - Ha ha! - This guy... 257 00:12:26,861 --> 00:12:30,529 - And this guy. - All right. 258 00:12:30,563 --> 00:12:31,597 Let's do this. 259 00:12:34,899 --> 00:12:36,666 All righty. 260 00:12:40,235 --> 00:12:43,103 ( chuckles ) Great. 261 00:12:43,136 --> 00:12:46,804 Okay, so what's our exit strategy if everybody storms the stage? 262 00:12:48,739 --> 00:12:50,072 Throw them again. 263 00:12:50,106 --> 00:12:51,640 - Buddy, I say we cut our losses. - Robbie. 264 00:12:51,673 --> 00:12:53,474 - You can't move your arms. - Robbie. 265 00:12:53,507 --> 00:12:56,075 When you refused to pull my penis out, 266 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,776 aim it for me and stuff it back in my pants 267 00:12:57,809 --> 00:13:01,778 you made me realize... this is my problem. 268 00:13:01,811 --> 00:13:05,646 And I'm gonna fix it. Nobody's storming anything, buddy. 269 00:13:05,679 --> 00:13:09,814 You get your ass back there and you throw them again. 270 00:13:09,848 --> 00:13:11,216 - Okay. - You got me? 271 00:13:11,249 --> 00:13:12,683 - I got you. - Yeah, I got you. 272 00:13:12,716 --> 00:13:13,650 - All right. - Ready? 273 00:13:13,683 --> 00:13:15,817 Okay, yeah, here we go. For real this time. 274 00:13:16,985 --> 00:13:18,052 Ha ha! 275 00:13:18,853 --> 00:13:23,988 ( straining ) 276 00:13:24,022 --> 00:13:25,956 - I'm doing it, Robbie. - You got this. 277 00:13:25,989 --> 00:13:27,924 - I got this. - Rob: Yeah. 278 00:13:28,157 --> 00:13:30,758 - Ha! - Whoo, now we're talking. 279 00:13:35,626 --> 00:13:36,594 Thank you, good night. 280 00:13:36,627 --> 00:13:38,628 ( cheers, applause ) 281 00:13:39,095 --> 00:13:41,462 ( end credits music )