1 00:00:02,045 --> 00:00:04,526 ADULT SHELDON: I'm very much a creature of habit. 2 00:00:04,569 --> 00:00:06,441 Perhaps it's a trait I got from my father. 3 00:00:06,484 --> 00:00:09,922 Every night he would go through the mail, and every night, 4 00:00:09,966 --> 00:00:12,621 like clockwork, he would get very cranky. 5 00:00:12,664 --> 00:00:14,840 Damn bills.George. 6 00:00:15,885 --> 00:00:18,453 ADULT SHELDON: You'd think he'd get used to it, 7 00:00:18,496 --> 00:00:22,544 but night after night it upset him all over again. 8 00:00:22,587 --> 00:00:25,112 Jury duty? Son of a... 9 00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:26,200 George. 10 00:00:27,157 --> 00:00:28,854 ADULT SHELDON: It was complicated. 11 00:00:29,768 --> 00:00:31,901 I didn't like seeing him upset, 12 00:00:31,944 --> 00:00:33,990 but what can you do? I love consistency. 13 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:36,993 IRS? This can't be good. 14 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,038 Sure it can. 15 00:00:38,081 --> 00:00:40,083 When is the IRS ever good? 16 00:00:40,127 --> 00:00:41,998 Perhaps they're writing to congratulate me 17 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,261 on filing such a beautiful tax return. 18 00:00:44,305 --> 00:00:47,308 What's it say?Okay. Not so bad. 19 00:00:47,351 --> 00:00:49,310 We owe four dollars and 22 cents. 20 00:00:49,353 --> 00:00:50,485 What? 21 00:00:50,528 --> 00:00:51,486 That could've been worse. 22 00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:52,487 Yeah, tell me about it. 23 00:00:52,530 --> 00:00:53,357 Let me see that. 24 00:00:53,401 --> 00:00:55,359 I'm gonna wash up for dinner. 25 00:00:55,403 --> 00:00:58,101 You realize they're wrong. My return was flawless. 26 00:00:58,145 --> 00:01:00,495 I-It's four dollars. Forget it. 27 00:01:00,538 --> 00:01:02,497 But they're saying I made a mistake. 28 00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:06,370 You also got us a nice refund. You did a great job. 29 00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:07,937 ADULT SHELDON: I appreciated my mother's love, 30 00:01:07,980 --> 00:01:09,591 but what a boy really craves 31 00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:13,247 is the unconditional approval of a government agency. 32 00:01:14,378 --> 00:01:17,251 ♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪ 33 00:01:17,294 --> 00:01:20,123 ♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain 34 00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:22,821 ♪ I bet I could be your hero 35 00:01:22,865 --> 00:01:25,085 ♪ I am a mighty little man 36 00:01:25,128 --> 00:01:29,524 ♪ I am a mighty little man.♪ 37 00:01:31,830 --> 00:01:34,094 ♪ 38 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:39,577 Yippee-Ki-Yay, Mr. Falcon. 39 00:01:40,578 --> 00:01:42,754 Wait, who is Mr. Falcon? 40 00:01:42,798 --> 00:01:44,060 No one. 41 00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,496 Then why'd he say it? 42 00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:47,977 Well, in the real version, he said a bad word, 43 00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:50,066 but they had to change it for TV. 44 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,720 TV is so lame. 45 00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:53,417 What did he really say? 46 00:01:56,812 --> 00:01:58,205 That's so much better. 47 00:01:58,248 --> 00:02:00,555 This movie workson a lot of levels. 48 00:02:00,598 --> 00:02:03,253 Dad, I reviewed the tax return and I was right. 49 00:02:03,297 --> 00:02:05,560 They're the ones who made the mistake. 50 00:02:05,603 --> 00:02:07,823 Uh-- What are you doing? 51 00:02:07,866 --> 00:02:09,955 Writing a check to the IRS. 52 00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:11,566 But we don't owe them anything. 53 00:02:11,609 --> 00:02:13,568 They're claimingthat I underreported our income, 54 00:02:13,611 --> 00:02:15,135 but I can prove that they're wrong. 55 00:02:15,178 --> 00:02:16,614 It's not worth picking a fight with them 56 00:02:16,658 --> 00:02:18,050 over a few bucks. 57 00:02:18,094 --> 00:02:19,922 Just let me call them, I can sort this out. 58 00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:22,577 Just drop it, we don't want to get on their radar. 59 00:02:22,620 --> 00:02:24,274 But if you send that check, it's like admitting 60 00:02:24,318 --> 00:02:26,058 I made a mistake when I didn't. 61 00:02:26,102 --> 00:02:29,627 Sheldon, sometimes being right isn't the most important thing. 62 00:02:29,671 --> 00:02:32,369 I'm glad you feel that way, because, boy, are you wrong. 63 00:02:32,413 --> 00:02:35,155 We're done talking about this. 64 00:02:37,548 --> 00:02:41,248 ADULT SHELDON: And there he goes, wrong again. 65 00:02:43,293 --> 00:02:46,078 I'll have the rib eye, medium rare. 66 00:02:46,122 --> 00:02:47,254 And for you? 67 00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:49,691 Uh, just the house salad, please. 68 00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:51,867 Very good. 69 00:02:51,910 --> 00:02:53,260 House salad? 70 00:02:53,303 --> 00:02:54,913 You watching your figure? 71 00:02:54,957 --> 00:02:56,785 I have a physical tomorrow. 72 00:02:56,828 --> 00:03:00,136 Oh, so your plan is to start eating healthy now? 73 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,703 Can't hurt. 74 00:03:01,746 --> 00:03:05,228 It ain't gonna undo 70 years of red meat and beer. 75 00:03:05,272 --> 00:03:06,708 I'm not trying to undo it, 76 00:03:06,751 --> 00:03:09,189 I'm just trying to hide it under some lettuce. 77 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,846 Son of a Mitch. 78 00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:16,718 Melissa Cooper. 79 00:03:16,761 --> 00:03:18,198 What? I said "Mitch." 80 00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:20,156 There's nothing wrong with that. 81 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,898 But you meant another word. 82 00:03:22,941 --> 00:03:24,900 I'm sorry, what other word? 83 00:03:24,943 --> 00:03:26,249 Just watch it. 84 00:03:26,293 --> 00:03:28,730 Hold on. So you're saying if I have a friend 85 00:03:28,773 --> 00:03:30,079 whose dad's name is Mitch, 86 00:03:30,122 --> 00:03:31,994 I'm not allowed to talk about him? 87 00:03:32,037 --> 00:03:33,300 I know what you're doing. 88 00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:36,259 Okay, I just feel bad for my friend. 89 00:03:36,303 --> 00:03:38,827 That poor son of a Mitch. 90 00:03:38,870 --> 00:03:40,698 Melissa Cooper. 91 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,398 How's that salad? 92 00:03:44,441 --> 00:03:47,444 It sucks. How's your steak? 93 00:03:47,488 --> 00:03:49,185 You know how they overcook it sometimes 94 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,621 so it's a little bit dry? 95 00:03:50,665 --> 00:03:51,492 Uh-huh. 96 00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:53,755 Not this time. It's so good. 97 00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,887 You know what else is good? 98 00:03:55,931 --> 00:03:58,238 This radish. 99 00:03:58,281 --> 00:03:59,848 Would you like some steak?Yes. 100 00:03:59,891 --> 00:04:01,893 Then you probably should've ordered some. 101 00:04:01,937 --> 00:04:03,025 It's delicious. 102 00:04:03,068 --> 00:04:05,767 You are not a very nice lady. 103 00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:07,421 [softly]: Mmm. 104 00:04:11,599 --> 00:04:14,732 MALE VOICE: Psst. Hey-a, kid. 105 00:04:14,776 --> 00:04:16,691 [grunts] Who is it? 106 00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:20,260 It's me. The envelope with the IRS check. 107 00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:23,350 What do you want? 108 00:04:23,393 --> 00:04:25,221 You can't let him send me. 109 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,527 You didn't make a mistake. 110 00:04:26,570 --> 00:04:28,572 Oh, I know that, but it's too late. 111 00:04:28,616 --> 00:04:31,793 It's not. The check isn't due for 30 days. 112 00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:33,229 So? 113 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,926 Just go in the kitchen and take me off the pile. 114 00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:38,016 Buy yourself some time to straighten this out. 115 00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:41,324 But tampering with the mail is a federal offense. 116 00:04:41,368 --> 00:04:44,153 I'm not mail yet. I'm not in the mailbox. 117 00:04:44,196 --> 00:04:45,894 That's the law. 118 00:04:45,937 --> 00:04:48,636 But what if my dad notices you're missing? 119 00:04:48,679 --> 00:04:51,856 Do it after he leaves for work. He'll never know. 120 00:04:51,900 --> 00:04:53,467 That's brilliant. 121 00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:57,079 I'm not real, so technically, you thought of it. 122 00:04:57,122 --> 00:04:59,168 That makes more sense. 123 00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:02,171 ADULT SHELDON: The next morning, I patiently waited 124 00:05:02,214 --> 00:05:04,739 for my father to leave for work. 125 00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:07,829 ♪ 126 00:05:07,872 --> 00:05:09,134 Are you leaving for work? 127 00:05:10,092 --> 00:05:11,180 Yeah? 128 00:05:11,223 --> 00:05:12,790 See you. Bye. 129 00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:17,360 Bye. 130 00:05:27,805 --> 00:05:29,285 ADULT SHELDON: I leapt into action. 131 00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,548 My heart was pounding. 132 00:05:33,376 --> 00:05:34,464 I don't know what kind of bladder control 133 00:05:34,508 --> 00:05:36,031 professional spies have, 134 00:05:36,074 --> 00:05:38,207 but this first-timer needed to pee pronto. 135 00:05:42,254 --> 00:05:44,256 ADULT SHELDON: Now that I had prevented my dad from saying 136 00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:47,869 I made a mistake, it was time to get the IRS to admit theirs. 137 00:05:47,912 --> 00:05:49,740 IRS, Agent Green speaking. 138 00:05:49,784 --> 00:05:51,786 Hello, my name is Sheldon Cooper. 139 00:05:51,829 --> 00:05:53,178 Forgive me for cutting right to the chase, 140 00:05:53,222 --> 00:05:55,485 but I'm outside and my skin is incredibly fair. 141 00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:57,748 Okay, how can I help you? 142 00:05:57,792 --> 00:05:59,663 You sent my family a bill saying we owe 143 00:05:59,707 --> 00:06:02,318 an additional four dollars and 22 cents, but you're mistaken. 144 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,146 I filed a flawless return. 145 00:06:04,189 --> 00:06:06,409 I'm sorry, how old are you? 146 00:06:06,453 --> 00:06:08,150 That seems irrelevant, but I'm 11. 147 00:06:08,193 --> 00:06:10,892 Your parents let an 11-year-old file their federal tax return? 148 00:06:10,935 --> 00:06:13,808 This year. Two years ago, they let a nine-year-old do it. 149 00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:16,985 Look, these tax codes are complicated. 150 00:06:17,028 --> 00:06:18,508 If you only made 151 00:06:18,552 --> 00:06:20,858 a four dollar mistake, that's pretty impressive. 152 00:06:20,902 --> 00:06:23,470 I didn't make a mistake at all. You did. 153 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,734 Is that so?Yes. 154 00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:29,998 But don't feel bad, these tax codes are complicated. 155 00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:31,521 Uh-huh. 156 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:36,396 Okay, I've got your file right here, and, uh, 157 00:06:36,439 --> 00:06:39,181 looks like you underreported your income. 158 00:06:39,224 --> 00:06:41,313 Actually, if you check under charitable donations, 159 00:06:41,357 --> 00:06:43,185 you'll notice that the money we made 160 00:06:43,228 --> 00:06:45,317 at the garage sale did not count as taxable income 161 00:06:45,361 --> 00:06:47,058 because we donated it to the church. 162 00:06:47,102 --> 00:06:51,411 Well, I'll, uh, I'll have a look into that. 163 00:06:51,454 --> 00:06:52,803 In the future, you might consider doing that 164 00:06:52,847 --> 00:06:54,544 before you send out the letter. 165 00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:56,416 So how does this work? 166 00:06:56,459 --> 00:06:58,940 Do you apologize now, do I get it in writing? 167 00:07:00,332 --> 00:07:01,595 It's no big deal. 168 00:07:01,638 --> 00:07:03,118 It's a colonoscopy. 169 00:07:03,161 --> 00:07:04,554 So? So, 170 00:07:04,598 --> 00:07:06,600 one of those words means "colon," and the other means 171 00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:08,863 "shoving a camera up it." 172 00:07:08,906 --> 00:07:11,082 Mm. I'm surprised you need one. 173 00:07:11,126 --> 00:07:13,128 Did you tell him about the salad? 174 00:07:13,171 --> 00:07:14,564 It's not funny. 175 00:07:14,608 --> 00:07:16,261 Stop being such a baby. 176 00:07:16,305 --> 00:07:20,135 Something I have pushed out of my body. You can do this. 177 00:07:20,178 --> 00:07:22,354 Wait, wait, I got an idea. 178 00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:24,487 Why don't we do it together? 179 00:07:24,531 --> 00:07:25,793 What? 180 00:07:25,836 --> 00:07:27,490 No. Come on. 181 00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:29,187 It'll be romantic. 182 00:07:30,145 --> 00:07:31,581 You're weird. 183 00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:32,843 MAN [over TV]: Hey, kids.GEORGE SR.: What the hell? 184 00:07:32,887 --> 00:07:35,150 Why are we getting audited? 185 00:07:35,193 --> 00:07:37,674 What? Are you sure it doesn't say "applauded"? 186 00:07:37,718 --> 00:07:39,067 Perhaps for a job well done? 187 00:07:39,110 --> 00:07:40,503 We're being audited for the last three years 188 00:07:40,547 --> 00:07:41,765 of our tax returns. 189 00:07:41,809 --> 00:07:43,288 I don't get it. 190 00:07:43,332 --> 00:07:45,334 I mailed in that check a week ago. 191 00:07:45,377 --> 00:07:47,815 About that. I can explain. 192 00:07:47,858 --> 00:07:49,469 Sheldon?I just needed some time 193 00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:51,514 to prove there were no errors in my work. 194 00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:52,602 What did you do? 195 00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:53,951 I took the check 196 00:07:53,995 --> 00:07:55,692 before Mom mailed it. What? 197 00:07:55,736 --> 00:07:57,781 But I called the IRS and sorted things out. 198 00:07:57,825 --> 00:07:59,217 Clearly you didn't. 199 00:07:59,261 --> 00:08:01,002 I told you to let it go. 200 00:08:01,045 --> 00:08:02,917 I'm sorry. 201 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,875 This could end up costing us a fortune. 202 00:08:04,919 --> 00:08:06,616 I can fix it.No. 203 00:08:06,660 --> 00:08:08,531 I'm gonna hire an accountant and have him handle it right. 204 00:08:08,575 --> 00:08:11,403 But I want to help.You've helped enough. 205 00:08:11,447 --> 00:08:13,144 Go to your room. 206 00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:15,930 Yes, sir. 207 00:08:22,589 --> 00:08:24,286 [groans][laughs] 208 00:08:24,329 --> 00:08:28,333 I feel bad beating you like this after you bought me drinks. 209 00:08:28,377 --> 00:08:30,901 Okay, I tell you what. You want to make it more interesting? 210 00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:32,250 Sure.Okay, how about this? 211 00:08:32,294 --> 00:08:35,645 If I win, you get a colonoscopy with me. 212 00:08:35,689 --> 00:08:37,560 God, are you still on this? 213 00:08:37,604 --> 00:08:38,779 Come on, why not? 214 00:08:38,822 --> 00:08:40,694 'Cause I don't wanna. 215 00:08:40,737 --> 00:08:42,565 Well, I don't wanna, either, but my doctor said I got to. 216 00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:45,220 Well, my doctor didn't say nothing. 217 00:08:45,263 --> 00:08:46,351 When was the last time you saw him? 218 00:08:46,395 --> 00:08:48,397 I don't know, it's been a while. 219 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,442 Yeah, well, like, "six months" a while, 220 00:08:50,486 --> 00:08:52,749 "Watergate" a while?Drop it. 221 00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:56,492 Uh, last time you saw him, were they using leeches? 222 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,276 I'm about to take this pool cue 223 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,975 and beat your doctor to the punch. 224 00:09:01,018 --> 00:09:02,454 Oh. That long, huh? 225 00:09:02,498 --> 00:09:05,283 Look, all I'm saying is you could use a checkup. 226 00:09:05,327 --> 00:09:07,503 I feel fine. Okay. 227 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,984 At your age, there's nothing wrong with going in... 228 00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:11,463 I'm not going to the doctor, 229 00:09:11,507 --> 00:09:13,161 so just... 230 00:09:13,204 --> 00:09:15,511 mind your own business. 231 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,556 ♪ The Texas honky-tonk blues. 232 00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:24,215 Why didn't you eat with us? 233 00:09:24,259 --> 00:09:26,348 I'm not hungry. Dad's mad at me. 234 00:09:26,391 --> 00:09:27,958 Mom's not thrilled with me, either. 235 00:09:28,002 --> 00:09:28,916 Why? 236 00:09:28,959 --> 00:09:31,135 Mom made chicken, 237 00:09:31,179 --> 00:09:32,876 and I said chickens cluck a lot, 238 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,704 so they should be called "cluckers." 239 00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:36,663 And some chickens are moms, 240 00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:38,316 so you could call them "mother..." 241 00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:39,317 I don't care. 242 00:09:39,361 --> 00:09:40,797 Mom sure did. 243 00:09:40,841 --> 00:09:42,407 What did you do wrong? 244 00:09:42,451 --> 00:09:44,496 I got Dad in trouble with the IRS. 245 00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:46,063 He has to hire an accountant, 246 00:09:46,107 --> 00:09:47,848 which could cost us a lot of money. 247 00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:50,981 Dang, makes me not want to have kids. 248 00:09:54,332 --> 00:09:55,638 Hello. 249 00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:57,466 Well, hey. 250 00:09:57,509 --> 00:09:58,728 Well, you missed it. 251 00:09:58,772 --> 00:10:00,817 Some old broad went nuts over there 252 00:10:00,861 --> 00:10:03,341 and threw her pool cue on the table. 253 00:10:03,385 --> 00:10:05,213 She's crazy. Mm. 254 00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:06,649 Sorry. 255 00:10:06,693 --> 00:10:09,217 Well, you're not a fan of doctors, huh? 256 00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:11,088 They never have good news. 257 00:10:11,132 --> 00:10:14,439 They just want to find something wrong. 258 00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:16,441 It's kind of their job. 259 00:10:16,485 --> 00:10:18,443 If something's wrong with me, 260 00:10:18,487 --> 00:10:20,445 I don't want to know about it. 261 00:10:20,489 --> 00:10:21,925 That's dumb. 262 00:10:21,969 --> 00:10:23,187 No, it's not. 263 00:10:23,231 --> 00:10:25,494 If I'm gonna drop dead, I'd rather do it quick 264 00:10:25,537 --> 00:10:27,757 and leave lookin' good. 265 00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:29,541 I want to live so long 266 00:10:29,585 --> 00:10:31,805 I start looking like a mummy. [chuckles] 267 00:10:31,848 --> 00:10:33,458 You're off to a strong start. 268 00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:35,286 Hey. [chuckles] 269 00:10:35,330 --> 00:10:38,289 My husband went to the doctor. 270 00:10:38,333 --> 00:10:40,378 And they found something. 271 00:10:40,422 --> 00:10:42,293 Two days later, he was in surgery. 272 00:10:42,337 --> 00:10:44,165 Nine months later, he was dead. 273 00:10:45,296 --> 00:10:46,646 Geez. 274 00:10:48,169 --> 00:10:50,214 I don't want that. 275 00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:53,522 And I, I don't want 276 00:10:53,565 --> 00:10:56,307 to put anybody else through that. 277 00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:57,787 I'm sorry. 278 00:10:57,831 --> 00:10:59,180 Mm. 279 00:11:00,572 --> 00:11:02,487 I hope you stick around long enough 280 00:11:02,531 --> 00:11:04,098 to start looking like a mummy, too. 281 00:11:04,141 --> 00:11:05,229 [chuckles] 282 00:11:05,273 --> 00:11:06,753 I always pictured myself 283 00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:08,929 more the Bride of Frankenstein type. 284 00:11:08,972 --> 00:11:11,671 Well, you got the hair for it. 285 00:11:16,284 --> 00:11:17,677 So how's it look? 286 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,722 Do I owe a lot of money? I don't have a lot of money. 287 00:11:19,766 --> 00:11:21,724 Mm-hmm, I can see that. 288 00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:24,161 Who did these? 289 00:11:25,249 --> 00:11:26,511 Why? 290 00:11:26,555 --> 00:11:27,817 Is it that bad? 291 00:11:27,861 --> 00:11:29,340 They're impeccable. 292 00:11:29,384 --> 00:11:30,777 Oh... 293 00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:32,169 Actually, it was my son. 294 00:11:32,213 --> 00:11:34,650 Well, why don't you just use him for the audit? 295 00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:36,696 He's 11. 296 00:11:37,479 --> 00:11:38,828 An 11-year-old did these? 297 00:11:38,872 --> 00:11:40,525 Actually, he might've been nine at the time. 298 00:11:40,569 --> 00:11:42,702 I'm not good with birthdays. 299 00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:48,359 Hey. 300 00:11:48,403 --> 00:11:50,274 Hello. 301 00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:51,580 Playing with your trains? 302 00:11:51,623 --> 00:11:53,016 I'm punishing myself by looking at them, 303 00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:55,018 but not allowing myself to run them. 304 00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:56,846 You don't have to punish yourself. 305 00:11:56,890 --> 00:11:59,022 Because you'd rather do it? That's fair. 306 00:11:59,066 --> 00:12:01,198 No. 307 00:12:01,242 --> 00:12:02,983 It's okay. I deserve it. 308 00:12:04,636 --> 00:12:06,203 Actually... 309 00:12:06,247 --> 00:12:08,815 I want you to represent us at the audit. 310 00:12:08,858 --> 00:12:10,642 But I messed everything up. 311 00:12:10,686 --> 00:12:12,122 You did. 312 00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,776 But I also know if anyone's smart enough 313 00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:16,083 to get us out of this, you are. 314 00:12:17,606 --> 00:12:19,739 Why'd you change your mind? 315 00:12:20,565 --> 00:12:21,828 No reason. 316 00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:23,960 What did the accountant say? 317 00:12:24,004 --> 00:12:25,309 Nothing. 318 00:12:25,353 --> 00:12:27,094 They said my returns were perfect, didn't they? 319 00:12:28,051 --> 00:12:30,314 Play with your trains. 320 00:12:35,885 --> 00:12:37,887 Why are you readin' the Bible? 321 00:12:37,931 --> 00:12:39,367 I felt bad about last night, 322 00:12:39,410 --> 00:12:41,369 so I thought it might be good for me. 323 00:12:41,412 --> 00:12:43,675 Where are you going with this? 324 00:12:43,719 --> 00:12:45,895 Nowhere, I just want to make you happy. 325 00:12:45,939 --> 00:12:47,810 Uh-huh. 326 00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:49,246 "And the man increased 327 00:12:49,290 --> 00:12:51,509 "exceedingly, and had much cattle, 328 00:12:51,553 --> 00:12:53,424 "and maidservants, and menservants, 329 00:12:53,468 --> 00:12:56,645 and camels, and asses."Okay. Stop. 330 00:12:56,688 --> 00:12:59,039 What? I'm just reading from Genesis. 331 00:12:59,082 --> 00:13:02,172 Well, cut it out.Fine. 332 00:13:02,216 --> 00:13:03,870 Let's try Exodus. 333 00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:05,175 "And on the seventh 334 00:13:05,219 --> 00:13:07,090 "day thou shalt rest: 335 00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:10,224 that thine ox and thine ass may rest." 336 00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:11,965 That is it, you are grounded. 337 00:13:12,008 --> 00:13:13,270 For reading the Bible? 338 00:13:13,314 --> 00:13:15,272 The way you are doing it, yes. Go to your room. 339 00:13:15,316 --> 00:13:16,665 Okay. 340 00:13:16,708 --> 00:13:18,058 I don't have a donkey. 341 00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:20,016 But if I did, I'd take my ass out of here. 342 00:13:20,060 --> 00:13:21,975 GEORGE SR.: Hello. 343 00:13:22,018 --> 00:13:24,804 I'm George Cooper. This is my son Sheldon. 344 00:13:24,847 --> 00:13:26,370 Yes, we spoke on the phone. 345 00:13:26,414 --> 00:13:28,285 You look exactly like you sound. 346 00:13:28,329 --> 00:13:29,504 Not everybody does. 347 00:13:29,547 --> 00:13:31,462 Should we get started?Yes. 348 00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:35,727 ADULT SHELDON: I realize some people 349 00:13:35,771 --> 00:13:37,947 may find the ins and outs of tax law 350 00:13:37,991 --> 00:13:41,864 a little tedious, so allow me to spice this story up. 351 00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:44,606 Instead of an audit, imagine this is a showdown 352 00:13:44,649 --> 00:13:47,609 between two warriors in the most brutal 353 00:13:47,652 --> 00:13:50,133 and exciting form of combat there is... 354 00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:51,961 chess. 355 00:13:52,005 --> 00:13:53,658 ♪ 356 00:13:53,702 --> 00:13:55,747 Am I the only one who just got chills? 357 00:13:55,791 --> 00:13:57,967 Let's start with the business deductions 358 00:13:58,011 --> 00:14:00,840 from Schedule A on the tax return dated 359 00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:02,493 1989. 360 00:14:02,537 --> 00:14:04,713 ADULT SHELDON: I know, bold opening move. 361 00:14:04,756 --> 00:14:06,933 Don't worry, I came to play. 362 00:14:06,976 --> 00:14:08,064 Happy to. 363 00:14:08,108 --> 00:14:10,023 I've got those receipts right here. 364 00:14:10,066 --> 00:14:11,633 Dated, highlighted... 365 00:14:11,676 --> 00:14:13,417 and itemized. 366 00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:16,072 ADULT SHELDON: Told you. 367 00:14:16,116 --> 00:14:18,292 ♪ 368 00:14:19,293 --> 00:14:22,383 For the next three hours, we battled it out. 369 00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:24,080 Two mighty brains 370 00:14:24,124 --> 00:14:27,475 locked in mortal tax code combat. 371 00:14:27,518 --> 00:14:28,911 ♪ 372 00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:31,522 Justify this expense. 373 00:14:31,566 --> 00:14:34,917 Our AGI was less than 50,000. 374 00:14:34,961 --> 00:14:37,224 Improper classification. 375 00:14:37,267 --> 00:14:39,443 Rolled over from the previous fiscal year. 376 00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:43,752 The receipt has barbecue sauce on it. 377 00:14:43,795 --> 00:14:45,972 Dad. Sorry. 378 00:14:49,279 --> 00:14:50,802 So you are 379 00:14:50,846 --> 00:14:52,935 remarkably well-versed in the tax code. 380 00:14:52,979 --> 00:14:54,154 Thank you.It's nice of you 381 00:14:54,197 --> 00:14:55,459 to do your parents' returns 382 00:14:55,503 --> 00:14:56,591 for free every year. 383 00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:58,027 Oh, I don't do it for free. 384 00:14:58,071 --> 00:15:00,725 My dad buys me a model train afterwards. 385 00:15:00,769 --> 00:15:02,597 Interesting. 386 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:04,294 So you accept payment 387 00:15:04,338 --> 00:15:06,688 even though you're not a licensed tax professional? 388 00:15:06,731 --> 00:15:08,908 ♪ 389 00:15:09,952 --> 00:15:12,215 In clear violation of federal law. 390 00:15:13,825 --> 00:15:16,002 Check. 391 00:15:17,264 --> 00:15:19,135 ADULT SHELDON: I had walked right into his trap. 392 00:15:20,267 --> 00:15:22,486 Excuse me, I need to use the restroom. 393 00:15:23,748 --> 00:15:25,315 [chuckles softly] 394 00:15:27,317 --> 00:15:30,277 So, catch that Cowboys game last... 395 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,409 No.Yeah. 396 00:15:32,453 --> 00:15:35,282 [phone rings] 397 00:15:35,325 --> 00:15:36,283 Ballard's. 398 00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:38,894 Hello.Hey, what's up? 399 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:41,462 You'll be happy to know I went out and got a checkup. 400 00:15:41,505 --> 00:15:43,116 Fantastic. 401 00:15:43,159 --> 00:15:44,856 Yeah, great, just great. 402 00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:46,858 And now you can shut up about it. 403 00:15:46,902 --> 00:15:48,121 Well, how'd it go? 404 00:15:48,164 --> 00:15:49,687 Good news, bad news. 405 00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:52,081 Uh-oh.Good news is I'm fine. 406 00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:54,692 Well, now, isn't that comforting to know? 407 00:15:54,736 --> 00:15:56,085 Don't be smug. 408 00:15:56,129 --> 00:15:57,521 So what's the bad news? 409 00:15:58,870 --> 00:16:00,611 He wants me to have a colonoscopy. 410 00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:01,873 Great! 411 00:16:01,917 --> 00:16:03,614 Oh, my gosh, we can do it together! 412 00:16:04,702 --> 00:16:06,487 Can't you just feel the romance? 413 00:16:06,530 --> 00:16:08,489 No, you weirdo. 414 00:16:08,532 --> 00:16:09,969 [chuckles] 415 00:16:12,058 --> 00:16:14,016 There you are. 416 00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:15,713 Hey, we're waiting on you. 417 00:16:15,757 --> 00:16:18,020 I want to go home. 418 00:16:18,064 --> 00:16:19,587 What are you talking about? 419 00:16:19,630 --> 00:16:21,023 We're not done yet. 420 00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:22,198 Yes, we are. 421 00:16:22,242 --> 00:16:23,547 I made a mistake that's gonna cost us 422 00:16:23,591 --> 00:16:25,767 a lot of money that we don't have. 423 00:16:25,810 --> 00:16:27,638 I feel so stupid. 424 00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:31,991 Hey. 425 00:16:32,817 --> 00:16:34,428 It's okay to feel stupid. 426 00:16:34,471 --> 00:16:36,038 No, it's not. 427 00:16:36,082 --> 00:16:38,301 It just means you're growing. 428 00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:40,695 If you don't look back and think you were dumb, 429 00:16:40,738 --> 00:16:42,914 then you, then you haven't learned anything. 430 00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:44,916 So what do we do? 431 00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,353 We get back in there. 432 00:16:46,396 --> 00:16:47,441 What if we lose? 433 00:16:47,484 --> 00:16:49,095 Doesn't matter-- win or lose, 434 00:16:49,138 --> 00:16:51,097 we don't give up, all right? 435 00:16:51,140 --> 00:16:52,620 Now let's get in there and show 'em 436 00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:54,274 what we're made of-- what do you say? 437 00:16:54,317 --> 00:16:56,972 I've heard you give that exact same pep talk at football games. 438 00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,626 Well, I didn't have a special one prepared. 439 00:16:58,669 --> 00:17:00,062 That's all right. 440 00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:01,933 I feel properly pepped. 441 00:17:08,505 --> 00:17:10,159 So... 442 00:17:10,203 --> 00:17:11,900 where were we? 443 00:17:13,423 --> 00:17:15,947 Check. 444 00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:19,516 It's true. 445 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,170 I made a mistake. 446 00:17:21,214 --> 00:17:23,825 But my dad taught me that's okay. 447 00:17:26,132 --> 00:17:27,568 Wait. 448 00:17:27,611 --> 00:17:29,135 My dad's a teacher. 449 00:17:29,178 --> 00:17:32,486 Which means, my doing our taxes wasn't work for-hire, 450 00:17:32,529 --> 00:17:35,576 but an economics lesson he was teaching me. 451 00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:37,969 ♪ 452 00:17:38,013 --> 00:17:40,972 Therefore, the train he bought me wasn't payment 453 00:17:41,016 --> 00:17:43,149 for unlicensed work, it was a reward 454 00:17:43,192 --> 00:17:45,368 for successfully completing my lesson. 455 00:17:49,242 --> 00:17:50,982 So it does not violate the statute, 456 00:17:51,026 --> 00:17:53,681 and since the value of the train is less than $10,000, 457 00:17:53,724 --> 00:17:55,813 there's no additional gift tax. 458 00:17:56,727 --> 00:17:58,860 Checkmate. 459 00:18:01,384 --> 00:18:03,734 [sighs] 460 00:18:06,476 --> 00:18:07,956 [applause] 461 00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:11,133 Well, I guess that wraps it up. 462 00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:14,180 Is it over? What happened? 463 00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:15,050 We won. 464 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,052 Wait, we don't owe anything? 465 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,619 No, your returns are all in order. 466 00:18:18,662 --> 00:18:20,316 Well done. 467 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:21,361 Thank you. 468 00:18:21,404 --> 00:18:22,840 Your son's extremely intelligent. 469 00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:24,973 Yep.I hope you audit us next year, 470 00:18:25,016 --> 00:18:26,366 so I can run circles around you again. 471 00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:28,411 Until he says something stupid. Let's go. 472 00:18:36,637 --> 00:18:38,900 [gags] [grunts] 473 00:18:38,943 --> 00:18:40,162 I can't believe we have to drink 474 00:18:40,206 --> 00:18:42,077 so much of that garbage.[sighs] 475 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:45,341 Well, the important thing is, we get to do it together, dear. 476 00:18:45,385 --> 00:18:47,952 You are so full of crap. 477 00:18:49,693 --> 00:18:51,826 Well, not for much longer. 478 00:18:51,869 --> 00:18:54,176 Excuse me, the festivities have begun. 479 00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:56,396 You're taking that whole thing with you? 480 00:18:56,439 --> 00:18:57,875 I'm gonna be a while.