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The Enterprise is preparing
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to leave Beta III in star system C-111.
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Sociologist Lindstrom
is remaining behind
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with a party of experts
who will help restore
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the planet's culture to a human form.
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The Late Landru, Captain.
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A marvelous feat of engineering.
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A computer capable
of directing the lives
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of millions of human beings.
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But only a machine, Mr. Spock.
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The original Landru programmed
it with all his knowledge,
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but he couldn't give it
his wisdom, his compassion,
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his understanding, his soul.
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I prefer the concrete, the
graspable, the provable.
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You'd make a splendid
computer, Mr. Spock.
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That is very kind of you, Captain.
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That's humorous, because Spock
is half human and half Vulcan.
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But he's ashamed of his human side.
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That's why I identify with him.
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Good luck.
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I gravitate a little more towards Kirk.
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Why?
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Be-cause... everything
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he says...
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he makes sound so im-portant.
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I should hope so... He's the captain.
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Sheldon.
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Do me a favor.
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Go help your brother study
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for his math test tomorrow.
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Is that really a good use of my time?
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Come on. I'm asking nice.
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If he doesn't pass, he won't
be able to play football.
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You realize he's often mean to me.
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So? Your mother's mean to
me. I still try to be helpful.
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Does she break wind on your head?
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Because that's what Georgie does to me.
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Can you help me out here?
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I'll do it if you take
me to the train store.
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You got it.
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And buy me whatever I want.
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Connie, what are you doing?
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Just providing my grandson
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with financial guidance.
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Don't mock the captain.
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If Georgie passes his test,
I'll get you whatever you want...
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Under 20 bucks.
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Deal.
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Why?
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I guess I like him better than you.
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Georgie?
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- What?
- Dad told me
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to help you study for the math test.
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I don't need your help. Get lost.
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Georgie, let him help you!
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Fine. Come in!
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Oh, dear.
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What's your problem?
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No problem. I'll just...
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tidy while we talk.
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Help yourself.
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Before we start, I'd like to get a sense
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- of how much algebra you know.
- 'Kay.
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Do you understand solving and graphing
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- linear inequalities?
- Sure.
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Great. Explain it to me.
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Uh...
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first you solve 'em...
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and then you graph 'em.
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And how do you do that?
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Uh, you know,
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carefully.
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Excuse me.
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$20 isn't gonna do it.
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- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
-- www.Addic7ed.com --
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So you collect all
the terms linear in X.
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See? Simple.
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Maybe for you.
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No, it's simple for everybody.
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Now you collect all
the terms linear in Y.
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I don't get it.
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Try this. Close your eyes.
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- 'Kay.
- Can you see
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the slope of the line given
by the coefficients of X and Y?
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No.
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What do you see?
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Darkness.
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Try harder.
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Wait.
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I see Elle Macpherson in a bikini.
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Ooh, it just fell off.
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- Dad!
- I'll make it $40! Keep going!
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Maybe the problem is
you're not a good teacher.
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Unlikely. Regardless,
I am your only hope.
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What do you see when
you close your eyes?
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I see quadrant one as red,
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quadrant two is soft and plush...
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quadrant three smells like lavender,
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and quadrant four is overlaid
with a Fibonacci spiral.
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That's really weird.
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No. What's really weird
is doing simple algebra
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and thinking about a girl in a bikini.
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I disagree.
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Dad!
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Keep going.
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And when you divide
by a negative number,
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you have to reverse the
direction of the inequality.
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I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
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But we're not done.
You're going to fail.
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I get enough of what
you said. I'll be fine.
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It was at that moment I decided
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I was not cut out for teaching.
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I consoled myself with the knowledge
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that I was wonderful at everything else.
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Take one and pass it back.
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Take one and pass it back.
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As you all know, this test'll count
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for 25% of your final grade.
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Be sure to show all your work.
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If you get stuck on a question,
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move on and come back to it at the end.
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And I shouldn't have to say this,
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but if there's any
cheating, I will see it.
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I got eyes in the back of my head.
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I got more eyes than a potato.
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Ms. Ingram?
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- Yeah, Sheldon.
- I'm done.
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What?
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I enjoyed it very much.
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I'll take another if you have one.
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No, I don't have another one.
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J-Just read ahead in the textbook.
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Oh, boy.
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Seeing my brother struggle
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was difficult for me.
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As his tutor, I took
his failure personally,
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almost as if I had failed.
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Which was odd, because
I knew how dumb he was.
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Georgie, how'd you do
on that math test today?
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It was tough.
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I don't know.
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I'm sorry I wasn't more help.
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Me, too.
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That's all right, baby, you tried.
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Yeah. It's okay, baby.
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I don't understand what went wrong.
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Is there any chance you drank alcohol
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when you were pregnant with Georgie?
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No!
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Well, don't be so
high-and-mighty.
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I drank when I was pregnant with you.
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You turned out fine.
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These days everybody's like,
"Don't drink, don't smoke."
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I swear. Texas is
turning into California.
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You realize there's nothing
I can do if you fail.
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You're off the team.
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I know.
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Well, I'm gonna ask Jesus
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to help you get a good
grade on that test.
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Shouldn't you have asked
him before he took it?
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The man rose from the dead...
I think he can fix a test
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after the fact.
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You know, I hear you
say things like that,
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and I wonder if maybe I did
have a few too many whiskey sours
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when you were in my belly.
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Not me, but not bad.
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I would say "A" for effort,
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but... that's an "F."
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What? How bad is it?
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You got a "B."
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Are you kidding?
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I don't believe it.
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Me, neither.
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Me, neither.
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So, I guess I have to
rethink my abilities.
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Clearly, I'm a wonderful teacher.
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Georgie didn't pass because of you.
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What do you mean?
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He cheated.
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He had the answers written
on the bottom of his shoe.
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He wouldn't do that.
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When you cheat in school,
you only cheat yourself.
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Where'd you get that?
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An inspirational poster
outside the boys' room.
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I saw what I saw, Sheldon.
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Well, if this is true,
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he needs to turn himself in.
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That'll never happen. He'll
get kicked off the team.
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I'm sorry, I can't accept this.
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There must be another explanation.
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If you don't believe
me, look at his shoes.
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I will.
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This is quite a workout.
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You dirty bird.
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What are you doing in here?
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You cheated.
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No, I didn't.
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I'm holding the evidence.
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Let me see that.
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00:09:03,071 --> 00:09:04,415
I don't see nothin'.
201
00:09:04,417 --> 00:09:07,178
That's obstruction of justice,
202
00:09:07,181 --> 00:09:08,993
as well as disgusting.
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00:09:08,996 --> 00:09:12,514
Oh, relax. By passing that
test, I get to play football,
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and you get to go to the train store.
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Everybody wins.
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00:09:15,929 --> 00:09:17,607
But what about the truth?
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00:09:17,610 --> 00:09:18,930
What about it?
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00:09:18,932 --> 00:09:21,123
It's supposed to set us free.
209
00:09:21,126 --> 00:09:22,667
Who told you that?
210
00:09:22,669 --> 00:09:24,135
The Bible.
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00:09:24,137 --> 00:09:26,871
Since when do you care
about what's in the Bible?
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00:09:26,873 --> 00:09:29,173
When it helps me win an argument.
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00:09:29,175 --> 00:09:32,397
The Bible also says honor
thy father and thy mother.
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00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:35,154
And if you open your mouth,
you're gonna make them sad.
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00:09:35,157 --> 00:09:36,914
He had me.
216
00:09:36,916 --> 00:09:40,427
Somehow, the mullet-headed
simpleton had me.
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00:09:40,430 --> 00:09:42,624
This isn't over.
218
00:09:42,627 --> 00:09:44,560
Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do?
219
00:09:45,658 --> 00:09:47,814
All right, maybe it's over.
220
00:09:51,531 --> 00:09:53,384
Meemaw?
221
00:10:00,656 --> 00:10:03,223
I assume you've read the
Surgeon General's report
222
00:10:03,226 --> 00:10:04,959
on the dangers of smoking?
223
00:10:04,962 --> 00:10:07,512
I'm gonna wait till they
turn it into a movie.
224
00:10:07,514 --> 00:10:09,080
Is that your new train?
225
00:10:09,082 --> 00:10:13,117
Yes. It's my reward for helping
Georgie pass the math test.
226
00:10:13,119 --> 00:10:15,386
You don't seem too happy about it.
227
00:10:15,388 --> 00:10:17,620
I don't feel like I earned it.
228
00:10:17,623 --> 00:10:19,256
Why not?
229
00:10:19,259 --> 00:10:20,725
Can you keep a secret?
230
00:10:20,727 --> 00:10:23,794
Well, at my age, the question
is can I remember one.
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00:10:23,796 --> 00:10:25,096
Try me.
232
00:10:26,900 --> 00:10:29,100
Georgie cheated on the test.
233
00:10:29,102 --> 00:10:30,601
Oh.
234
00:10:30,603 --> 00:10:32,178
And nothing bad happened.
235
00:10:32,181 --> 00:10:33,638
He gets to stay on the football team,
236
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:35,010
Mom and Dad are proud of him,
237
00:10:35,013 --> 00:10:36,545
I even got a train for helping.
238
00:10:36,548 --> 00:10:39,335
So you're feeling guilty.
239
00:10:39,338 --> 00:10:41,679
Very much so.
240
00:10:41,681 --> 00:10:44,215
Well, that's a real conundrum.
241
00:10:44,217 --> 00:10:46,527
Have you been reading the
Word of the Day calendar
242
00:10:46,530 --> 00:10:48,152
I gave you for your birthday?
243
00:10:48,155 --> 00:10:50,755
Indubitably.
244
00:10:53,324 --> 00:10:55,024
So what do you think?
245
00:10:55,026 --> 00:10:57,459
I don't think you should
let it bother you very much.
246
00:10:57,461 --> 00:10:59,746
I mean, there's always
gonna be people in this world
247
00:10:59,749 --> 00:11:02,798
who are playing fast
and loose with the rules.
248
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:04,700
And your brother's one of them.
249
00:11:07,171 --> 00:11:09,225
That's how Captain Kirk is on Star Trek.
250
00:11:09,228 --> 00:11:12,174
Well, there you go, and he's,
like, the main guy on that show.
251
00:11:12,176 --> 00:11:14,694
No, Mr. Spock is the main guy.
252
00:11:14,697 --> 00:11:17,565
I stand corrected.
253
00:11:17,568 --> 00:11:21,750
Although Kirk is usually the
one who saves the Enterprise.
254
00:11:21,752 --> 00:11:25,120
Because he doesn't
always follow the rules?
255
00:11:25,122 --> 00:11:28,718
He even cheated on a
test when he was a cadet.
256
00:11:28,721 --> 00:11:30,420
The Kobayashi Maru.
257
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:31,289
The what?
258
00:11:31,292 --> 00:11:32,324
Kobayashi Maru.
259
00:11:32,327 --> 00:11:34,229
Kirk is a legend because of it.
260
00:11:34,232 --> 00:11:37,399
Ko-Kobayashi Maru.
261
00:11:37,401 --> 00:11:40,097
Sounds like something
you eat at Benihana's.
262
00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:41,537
Have you ever been to one of those?
263
00:11:41,540 --> 00:11:42,905
They make you sit with strangers.
264
00:11:42,907 --> 00:11:44,171
It's crazy.
265
00:11:46,577 --> 00:11:49,178
Do you think a Spock
could become a Kirk?
266
00:11:49,180 --> 00:11:51,480
Well, in my experience,
267
00:11:51,482 --> 00:11:53,916
most people stay the
miserable bastards they are
268
00:11:53,918 --> 00:11:55,251
their whole entire life.
269
00:11:55,253 --> 00:11:56,552
But...
270
00:11:56,554 --> 00:11:58,944
I have seen some folks change.
271
00:12:01,359 --> 00:12:02,725
Hmm.
272
00:12:04,595 --> 00:12:07,463
All right. Well, I'm gonna
go play with this train.
273
00:12:07,465 --> 00:12:09,108
You do that.
274
00:12:26,183 --> 00:12:27,216
Georgie?
275
00:12:27,218 --> 00:12:29,444
- Go away.
- I need to ask a favor.
276
00:12:29,447 --> 00:12:30,580
What?
277
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,655
It's private. Can I come in?
278
00:12:32,657 --> 00:12:34,436
Come on.
279
00:12:37,380 --> 00:12:39,247
Ugh.
280
00:12:39,250 --> 00:12:40,749
What do you want?
281
00:12:40,752 --> 00:12:43,364
It occurs to me you
have something in common
282
00:12:43,367 --> 00:12:44,889
with Captain Kirk.
283
00:12:44,892 --> 00:12:46,458
We both have cool hair?
284
00:12:46,461 --> 00:12:47,560
In order to succeed,
285
00:12:47,563 --> 00:12:50,171
you both play fast and
loose with the rules.
286
00:12:50,174 --> 00:12:52,280
Yeah, I suppose we do.
287
00:12:52,283 --> 00:12:55,344
When you cheated on the math
test, what was your strategy?
288
00:12:55,346 --> 00:12:57,746
Well, I guess the most important part
289
00:12:57,748 --> 00:12:59,982
was not stepping on
anything wet before the test.
290
00:13:00,685 --> 00:13:02,051
And not getting an "A."
291
00:13:02,053 --> 00:13:03,986
Why wouldn't you want an "A"?
292
00:13:03,988 --> 00:13:06,488
'Cause that would raise suspicions.
293
00:13:06,490 --> 00:13:08,357
Who would believe I got an "A"?
294
00:13:08,359 --> 00:13:09,858
Wow.
295
00:13:09,861 --> 00:13:11,458
Tell me more.
296
00:13:11,461 --> 00:13:13,695
Okay, when you're telling a lie,
297
00:13:13,698 --> 00:13:15,928
it's important to throw in some details.
298
00:13:15,931 --> 00:13:18,300
Like, when I was wanted to
spend the night at Ricky's house,
299
00:13:18,303 --> 00:13:20,936
and Mom asked me if his mom
and dad were gonna be home,
300
00:13:20,938 --> 00:13:22,004
I said, not only
301
00:13:22,006 --> 00:13:23,546
are they be gonna be home,
302
00:13:23,549 --> 00:13:24,839
his dad was gonna teach us
303
00:13:24,842 --> 00:13:27,139
how to cook turkey legs in the smoker.
304
00:13:27,142 --> 00:13:29,195
I like turkey legs. Were they good?
305
00:13:29,198 --> 00:13:31,313
There weren't any turkey legs, you dope.
306
00:13:31,315 --> 00:13:33,582
His parents were in Branson.
307
00:13:33,584 --> 00:13:36,552
That's incredible. I
totally believed you.
308
00:13:36,554 --> 00:13:37,920
Details.
309
00:13:37,922 --> 00:13:40,639
Now get out of here, I
got to finish reading this.
310
00:13:41,993 --> 00:13:45,060
Thank you, Georgie,
that was very helpful.
311
00:13:46,397 --> 00:13:47,563
Did you hear that?
312
00:13:47,565 --> 00:13:48,647
What?
313
00:13:48,650 --> 00:13:51,254
Sounds like Georgie and
Sheldon are getting along.
314
00:13:51,257 --> 00:13:52,368
Really?
315
00:13:52,370 --> 00:13:54,036
That can't be right.
316
00:13:54,038 --> 00:13:55,163
I just heard it.
317
00:13:55,166 --> 00:13:57,439
Maybe there's hope for
those two after all.
318
00:13:57,441 --> 00:13:59,742
Or it's a sign of the apocalypse.
319
00:13:59,744 --> 00:14:02,374
Honey, I'm-I'm watching this.
320
00:14:06,757 --> 00:14:08,584
So you'll have to find someone else
321
00:14:08,586 --> 00:14:10,530
to hold your ankles in P.E. today.
322
00:14:10,533 --> 00:14:12,032
I'm sorry, what?
323
00:14:12,035 --> 00:14:14,969
I've suffered a terrible injury
and won't be able to attend.
324
00:14:14,972 --> 00:14:16,291
What happened?
325
00:14:16,293 --> 00:14:17,999
See for yourself.
326
00:14:20,231 --> 00:14:23,644
"Dear Coach Wilkins, please
excuse my son, Sheldon,
327
00:14:23,647 --> 00:14:24,991
from P.E.
328
00:14:24,994 --> 00:14:27,202
He has experienced a testicular hernia,
329
00:14:27,204 --> 00:14:30,039
and needs to rest for the
next six to eight weeks.
330
00:14:30,041 --> 00:14:32,207
Sincerely, Mary Cooper."
331
00:14:34,045 --> 00:14:35,477
Testicular hernia?
332
00:14:35,479 --> 00:14:37,452
That's called details.
333
00:14:39,617 --> 00:14:41,363
Ooh, that's rough.
334
00:14:41,366 --> 00:14:42,484
Hmm.
335
00:14:42,486 --> 00:14:43,519
How'd it happen?
336
00:14:43,521 --> 00:14:44,887
It's hard to say,
337
00:14:44,889 --> 00:14:48,424
but some risk factors include:
heavy lifting, a chronic cough
338
00:14:48,426 --> 00:14:50,993
and repetitive straining
during bowel movements.
339
00:14:50,995 --> 00:14:52,639
I've been there.
340
00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:54,400
Hmm. All right.
341
00:14:54,403 --> 00:14:57,837
Guess I'll see you
in... six to eight weeks.
342
00:15:04,061 --> 00:15:06,269
I don't know if other supervillains
343
00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:09,324
started their careers
by getting out of P.E.,
344
00:15:09,327 --> 00:15:11,046
but that's where I began.
345
00:15:11,048 --> 00:15:13,682
Emboldened by my faux hernia,
346
00:15:13,684 --> 00:15:16,332
I started taking books
out of the library...
347
00:15:16,335 --> 00:15:19,389
without getting the cards stamped.
348
00:15:19,392 --> 00:15:21,056
You didn't check out those books.
349
00:15:21,058 --> 00:15:22,491
I know.
350
00:15:22,493 --> 00:15:24,626
Before you judge me too harshly,
351
00:15:24,628 --> 00:15:26,695
I always brought them back on time.
352
00:15:26,697 --> 00:15:29,765
I was a rule-breaker, not a lunatic.
353
00:15:29,767 --> 00:15:32,734
But perhaps my most
satisfying transgression
354
00:15:32,736 --> 00:15:34,639
was duping my sister
355
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:37,777
into relinquishing control of the TV.
356
00:15:39,343 --> 00:15:40,609
Hello.
357
00:15:40,611 --> 00:15:42,611
What's that for?
358
00:15:42,613 --> 00:15:46,415
Oh, this? I was just digging
for money in Meemaw's backyard.
359
00:15:46,417 --> 00:15:48,217
There's money there?
360
00:15:48,219 --> 00:15:50,819
Oh, yes. I already found 75 cents.
361
00:15:50,821 --> 00:15:52,621
Who do you think left it?
362
00:15:52,623 --> 00:15:54,356
If I were to guess,
363
00:15:54,358 --> 00:15:56,458
I'd say pirates with
holes in their pockets.
364
00:15:56,460 --> 00:15:58,827
Can I use your shovel?
365
00:15:58,829 --> 00:16:01,296
Be my guest.
366
00:16:01,298 --> 00:16:03,639
Oh, baby, I'm gonna be rich.
367
00:16:06,203 --> 00:16:10,005
Today, we're going to learn
about Sir Isaac Newton.
368
00:16:10,007 --> 00:16:11,801
Hello, old friend.
369
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,504
One of the world's
greatest scientists...
370
00:16:17,948 --> 00:16:19,047
See you tomorrow, Wayne.
371
00:16:19,049 --> 00:16:20,816
You have a good one, George.
372
00:16:20,818 --> 00:16:22,518
Hey, how's your son doing?
373
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:23,785
Georgie?
374
00:16:23,788 --> 00:16:26,755
No, the smart one.
375
00:16:26,757 --> 00:16:28,390
He's fine. Why?
376
00:16:28,392 --> 00:16:30,159
What about the hernia?
377
00:16:30,161 --> 00:16:31,483
What hernia?
378
00:16:31,486 --> 00:16:33,520
The one your wife said he had.
379
00:16:36,991 --> 00:16:38,867
Happened to me while I was in the Army.
380
00:16:38,869 --> 00:16:42,871
I was in a bar in Georgia,
tried to lift up this big gal.
381
00:16:42,873 --> 00:16:45,241
Swear I could hear
something pop down there.
382
00:16:45,244 --> 00:16:46,773
Sheldon gave you this note?
383
00:16:46,776 --> 00:16:48,009
Yeah.
384
00:16:48,012 --> 00:16:49,411
I didn't write this.
385
00:16:49,413 --> 00:16:50,712
You sure?
386
00:16:50,714 --> 00:16:52,014
Looks like your handwriting.
387
00:16:52,016 --> 00:16:53,505
It's got that little
swoopy thing going on.
388
00:16:53,507 --> 00:16:54,516
I didn't write it.
389
00:16:54,518 --> 00:16:57,199
And I think I'd know
if my son had a hernia.
390
00:16:57,202 --> 00:17:00,347
So what, Sheldon forged a
letter to get out of P.E.?
391
00:17:00,350 --> 00:17:01,957
Looks like it.
392
00:17:01,959 --> 00:17:03,625
How about that.
393
00:17:03,627 --> 00:17:06,139
Don't be proud of him.
394
00:17:06,142 --> 00:17:07,262
Can't help it.
395
00:17:07,264 --> 00:17:09,131
First time he ever seemed like my kid.
396
00:17:09,133 --> 00:17:11,421
Do you have any idea
397
00:17:11,424 --> 00:17:14,069
what's gotten into him?
398
00:17:14,071 --> 00:17:15,437
I might.
399
00:17:15,439 --> 00:17:17,039
Well?
400
00:17:17,041 --> 00:17:19,675
Have you ever heard of...
401
00:17:19,677 --> 00:17:23,145
Mobokachi Kaboom?
402
00:17:23,147 --> 00:17:24,358
Wait.
403
00:17:24,361 --> 00:17:26,814
Koshimaki Magoo.
404
00:17:26,817 --> 00:17:29,038
Wait a minute, I'm gonna get this.
405
00:17:32,690 --> 00:17:34,156
"Dear Professor Proton,
406
00:17:34,158 --> 00:17:36,024
I would very much like to meet you,
407
00:17:36,026 --> 00:17:38,594
and I only have three weeks to live.
408
00:17:38,596 --> 00:17:41,430
Please come visit me
here in Medford, Texas.
409
00:17:41,432 --> 00:17:43,165
Sincerely, Sheldon Cooper.
410
00:17:43,167 --> 00:17:45,046
P.S. My Meemaw makes excellent brisket."
411
00:17:45,049 --> 00:17:46,181
Sheldon.
412
00:17:46,184 --> 00:17:48,147
Would you like to explain this note?
413
00:17:50,441 --> 00:17:51,540
Well?
414
00:17:51,542 --> 00:17:53,809
I was trying to be more like Georgie.
415
00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:55,210
That's a dumb idea.
416
00:17:55,212 --> 00:17:57,913
We don't want Georgie
to be like Georgie.
417
00:17:57,915 --> 00:18:01,817
Well, let me start by
saying how very sorry I am.
418
00:18:07,118 --> 00:18:08,963
Despite my explanation
419
00:18:08,966 --> 00:18:11,790
that I was embracing my inner Kirk,
420
00:18:11,792 --> 00:18:15,393
my mother had me make
amends for all my misdeeds.
421
00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:17,162
Starting in the library,
422
00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:20,765
where I had to reshelve
hundreds of books.
423
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:23,368
Well, to be honest, that one was a hoot.
424
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:27,972
The amends got worse when Coach
Wilkins made me climb the rope.
425
00:18:27,974 --> 00:18:30,208
Lacking any upper body strength,
426
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:33,749
I hung there like a
salami in a deli window.
427
00:18:33,752 --> 00:18:37,482
And finally, I had to
apologize to my meemaw,
428
00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:41,609
who was an unfortunate victim
of my sister's treasure hunt.
429
00:18:42,731 --> 00:18:47,960
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