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- _ - Absolutely not.
But we're in Europe, the birthplace of the modern rail system.
It is also the birthplace of the guillotine.
You're not playing with that, either.
But I'm a college senior and I know more about trains
- than Richard Trevithick. - Who?
He built the first working steam locomotive.
I don't care.
You are not gallivanting around Europe on a train by yourself.
German children ride trains by themselves all the time.
When you become a German child, we'll talk.
Richard Trevithick?
How does he know these things?
Oh, George wrote me a letter.
Dear Mary,
hope you and Sheldon are having a great time in Germany.
So great.
Got the phone bill the other day.
- It was a whopper. - Oh.
I figured maybe, instead of calling,
we should try the good ol' U.S. mail.
Everything here is fine.
A little crowded since the tornado,
but it's bringing us together.
Missy, I got business to tend to.
I'll be out in a second.
Is she almost done? I got to shower.
There's a line or a hose out back.
Take your pick.
Count of three!
And our granddaughter is getting more fun every day.
Ah-boo.
What is wrong with you?
It was just peek-a-boo.
You'll be happy to know your daughter made a new friend.
Taylor.
And they've been hanging out a ton.
Where're you going all dressed up?
I'm not dressed up, and I'm going to the mall with Taylor.
When do I get to meet this girl?
Soon. Gotta go.
Okay, let's do this.
- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.MY-SUBS.com --
_
Ooh, she wrote back.
Saving money already.
Dear George,
it was really nice to get your letter.
It reminds me of when you were in Vietnam,
except this time, I'm the one in a foreign country
and the enemy is Sheldon.
The other day, he wanted to go riding around Germany,
by himself, on a train.
But I put a stop to that.
Good.
_
Shh.
Your mom's been going through a rough patch
since she lost the house, but she's a strong woman.
You'd be proud of how well she's dealing with it.
Hey.
What are you doing?
Taking one of your beers. What are you doing?
Writing Mary a letter.
Too cheap for a phone call?
You know how much those things cost?
Tank of gas to say, "I miss you."
Besides, this is nice, writing back and forth,
kind of like when I was in the Army.
Oh, she writing you back, too, huh?
- Mm-hmm. - Huh.
What?
My house blows away,
I don't even get a damn postcard.
Well, you should write her first. That's what I did.
Well, I'm not her cheapskate husband.
Heads up,
I might kill your mother before you get back.
Oh, 7:19 to Frankfurt.
Birthplace of the frankfurter.
That's a must-see.
- Sheldon, can I get you anything? - No.
- You sure? Cup of tea? - I'm fine.
- Hot chocolate? - Why are you badgering me?
Whoa, what brought that on?
Nothing. Everything's fine. I just have to study.
Is this about the train?
What? No. What train?
Are you still mad that I won't let you go alone?
Yes.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
Someday, when you're a parent, you'll understand.
I'm sure I will.
Okay, then.
Dear Missy, I'm sure you're surprised I'm writing to you,
but I have a secret and I have to tell someone
or my head will explode.
Ooh.
The other day, against Mother's orders,
I rode a train by myself.
What a loser.
♪ Because you're mine ♪
♪ I walk the line ♪
♪ Because you're mine ♪
♪ I walk the line... ♪
George tells me you and Sheldon
are having a good time in Germany.
Things here are finally settling down.
I moved in with Dale, which has been great.
He's been so supportive and patient...
Could you play another song?
I'm working on this song.
My last nerve is what you're working on.
Well, you got to practice if you want to get good.
For what? You're 74.
You gonna play that song in hell?
Look, this is my house,
and in my house, I play the guitar.
I thought you said your house was my house.
And in your house, there's a guy who plays the guitar,
and he's getting pretty doggone good.
Oh.
Guide's here.
Mmm.
Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett.
What does she see in him?
Women love musicians.
Man, I got to learn to play guitar.
Why?
So your love for me will deepen?
Nice save, Romeo.
Oh, look. Another letter from Mom.
Aw. I think it's so romantic, you two writing to each other.
It's just 'cause he's a cheapskate.
It can be both.
Well, I think it's sweet.
Well, I can write you a letter if you want.
- Please don't. - Why not?
'Cause your spelling makes me sad.
I can use small words.
Dear George, I really loved your last letter.
Who would have thought that I would have a love affair in Germany
and that it would be with you.
I miss you all so much,
but it sounds like everyone is doing great.
By the way, Missy's new friend Taylor,
is that a boy or a girl?
Missy!
I've included some Polaroids of your granddaughter
and your hot American boy toy.
Don't feel bad for being confused about Missy's friend.
He is a boy, but don't worry,
I'm on top of it.
Taylor's a boy?
Yes.
So when you went to the movies with him, he was a boy?
Mm-hmm.
And when you went swimming at his house,
he was a boy with his shirt off?
I never said he was a girl.
No, I said he was a girl
and you didn't correct me.
I don't remember who said what.
Yes, you do. And that is the last you're seeing of Taylor.
Dad, it's not what you think.
He doesn't like me like that.
He's a 13-year-old boy.
He likes all girls like that.
He's 15, and he doesn't.
Fifteen?
And he really doesn't.
The hell does that mean?
Oh.
Yeah.
So, he's like a... gal pal?
Bingo.
Okay.
So, can I go to his house and watch a movie?
No other boys'll be there?
Just him and me.
All right, then.
Thanks, Daddy.
It's a different world, Mare.
I'm proud of Missy for keeping an open mind,
and, shoot, I'm proud of myself.
By the way, I told my dad you're gay.
Okay.
Hey.
Have you seen my guitar?
No. Why?
I could've sworn I left it in the bedroom
and now I can't find it anywhere.
That's weird.
Did you hide it?
I can't believe you would accuse me of such a thing.
- Did you? - Did I what?
Hide my guitar.
♪ Because you're mine ♪
♪ I lost my mind. ♪
Well, give it back.
Only under certain conditions.
That guitar has been here way longer than you have.
You want to see it again?
What conditions?
First of all, if I'm out of the house,
you can play it all day long.
That's reasonable.
I'm a reasonable lady. Number two:
You cannot play the same song
for more than five minutes.
No, no, no, no.
That's not how practice works.
Repetition is the key to mastery.
- Ten minutes. - Deal.
It's in the closet behind the rain coats.
Well, thank you.
♪ Because you're mine ♪
Hold on, let me get my egg timer.
♪ Because you're mine. ♪
- Auf wiedersehen. - Where you going?
Library.
- In Frankfurt. - Have fun.
As much as I hated lying,
I loved trains just a little bit more.
Dear Mandy, there are so many things I love about you,
it's hard to know where to start.
But I will.
Sure, I could go on and on about your beautiful...
B-E...
Where does the dang "U" go?
... pretty... boobs.
But what's more important
is what's underneath: Your heart.
Oh, yeah. That's good.
Can I cash out?
Oh. Sure.
Hey, question...
if you sneak into the bathroom to watch a woman shower,
is that romantic or creepy?
- Romantic. - That's what I thought.
And when you're alone in the shower...
- Ticket? - Oh.
_
Mm-hmm.
_
Ja.
_
No.
What... What the hell?
- What? - What are you doing?
Wh...
I'm just putting nose spray in 'cause you're snoring.
Well, that's no reason to stick something up my nose.
I'm sorry.
I mean, if anybody snores, it's you.
I mean, just look at that honker.
That's not very nice.
What's not nice is you violating my nose.
It's not gonna happen again.
Hey, but listen, now that you're up,
why don't we just spritz the other nostril...
Don't you dare!
Okay, okay.
And for your information, you fart all night long.
It's 'cause of your cooking.
Quit feeding me fajitas.
Dear Missy, I'm currently on my fifth train ride
exploring Germany and the nations
of the former Austro-Hungarian Empire.
It's often referred to as a dual monarchy
because the Hapsburg ruler
was both the emperor of Austria
and the king of Hungary.
Speaking of hungry... strudel.
Wait! Wait!
Warten! Warten!
That's German for "wait"!
As you can see, they did not warten.
_
Sheldon Cooper.
Hello?
I have a collect call from Sheldon Cooper.
Do you accept the charges?
Sorry, my dad said it's too expensive and...
Missy, please, it's an emergency!
Fine. I accept.
Go ahead.
What?
I'm stranded in a train station in Weinheim, Germany,
and I can't call Mom
- because I lied about... - Sorry.
- I'm getting another call. - Wait, don't...
Hello?
Oh, hi, Taylor.
Nothing. What're you up to?
Missy!
Missy?
Missy...
... and not just 'cause you're naked in the shower...
'cause you're naked and all sudsy.
It's like watching MTV, but in the bathroom.
Well, I hope that didn't sound creepy,
but you're so pretty I can't stop looking at you,
even with clothes on covered with CeeCee's spit-up.
Oh, you're reading my letter.
I'll come back.
Oh, now you want to give me privacy?
So, it was creepy, huh?
It was.
Where you going?
Well, I'm gonna go take a shower.
Maybe I'll leave the door unlocked.
Well, all right.
_
It's okay, young man, we speak English.
But not as well as my German, so stay with me.
_
- Oh, God! - Dad, get out!
Why didn't you lock the door?
I didn't want to miss anything.
... I've been sitting here staring at your picture,
thinking about all the years we've been together
and how I may have taken you for granted the last few.
I do appreciate you, I do love you,
and I'm sorry I don't say it enough...
or say it at all.
So... rest up because when I get back,
I'm gonna show you how mu...
- Hello? - Mom, it's me.
I know I'm not supposed to call,
but Sheldon called and said he's in trouble.
Sheldon's at the library.
No, he's not. He's stuck at a train station somewhere in Germany.
When did he call?
- I don't know. Two, three hours ago... - What?!
You know, this is expensive, I should go.
Oh.
I'm gonna kill him.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna go sleep in the other room
so we don't bug each other.
And leave me here all alone?
I thought you'd be happy.
Well, my nose might be happy,
but the rest of me won't be.
Aw.
Unless you're leaving because my snoring is so bad.
Alleged snoring.
Alleged snoring?
I'm going half deaf in this ear
from your alleged snoring.
Well, there must be a way to compromise.
Compromise? There's no compromise.
You won't let me spritz your nasal passages.
Even if I did, that's not gonna stop
the tear gas coming out of your pants.
Onions in, onions out...
We talked about this, you know.
Oh, dear.
Uh, hello? Police?
Sprechen English?
Good, good. Um...
My little boy is lost at a train station.
No, I don't know which one...
Um, he's, uh, five foot ten...
Well, he's little to me!
Never mind.
What happened to you?
Tough day.
At the library?
Yes.
Where's your other shoe?
When I was leaving... the library,
a wild dog attacked me.
Oh, sweetie, no.
I fought him off, but at the price of a loafer.
Where's your backpack?
I guess he got that, too.
Well... that all makes sense, Sheldon,
if that's what really happened.
It is.
Okay, then.
Why don't you go lie down?
I will. I'm tired from all the things that happened...
- At the library. - At the library.
Instead of punishing him,
I'm letting him think he got away with it.
The guilt is eating him alive.
I wish you were here to enjoy it with me.
- Hey. - Hey.
Is it okay if Taylor and I hang out in my room and listen to music?
Sure.
Just keep the door closed so I don't have to hear it.
You got it.
Probably gonna listen to show tunes.
- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.MY-SUBS.com --