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For most students, the weekend
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represented two days of fun,
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freedom, and in the case of my brother,
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a chance to ignore all forms of hygiene.
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Come on, come on.
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To me, however, it represented
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an unwelcome break from education.
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Whoo! Thank the Lord!
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But this wasn't a typical weekend,
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because this was the weekend
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I got to do my parents' taxes.
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Howdy do, W-2.
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- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
-- www.Addic7ed.com --
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"If you were not covered
by a retirement plan,
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but your spouse was, see
the worksheet on page 14."
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Try and stop me.
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Mom, I was going
through our expenditures
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00:01:08,551 --> 00:01:11,052
and noticed our grocery
bills are up 12% compared
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to last quarter. Any idea why?
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There's a person at the end of
the table that eats for free.
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There's a person at the
other end of the table
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that eats for three.
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I've been buying groceries
for the church food drive.
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I think that's it.
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Ooh, I bet I could write that off,
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including the gas it took
to drive to the grocery store
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and then to the church.
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With all that driving,
maybe she can count
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her car as a home office.
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Sounds aggressive, but I
like how you're thinking.
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None of that is necessary,
it's for charity.
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What's the point of charity
if there are no tax benefits?
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Eat your peas.
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I like how he's thinking.
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You eat your peas, too.
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Dad, banking question.
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00:01:53,429 --> 00:01:54,528
What's that, buddy?
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I noticed there's a check missing.
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I have a copy of check 128
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00:01:57,917 --> 00:02:01,239
and a copy of check
130, but 129 isn't there.
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Oh, yeah, don't worry about it.
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But I enjoy worrying;
I find it very relaxing.
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'Course you do.
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I balanced the rest of the account,
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and it appears to be a check for $300.
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All right, well, let's just put it down
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for $300 for miscellaneous.
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I've never labeled anything
miscellaneous in my life.
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I'll go ask Mom.
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Wait.
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I just remembered.
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I gave the money to a friend.
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- Who?
- It doesn't matter who.
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Why'd you give it to them?
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They needed it. It... it's like charity.
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Ooh, another write-off, excellent.
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Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
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What do you say we keep this quiet?
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00:02:44,747 --> 00:02:46,580
You mean like a secret?
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00:02:46,582 --> 00:02:49,517
No, no, just, you know,
something between you and me.
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00:02:49,519 --> 00:02:50,618
What about Mom?
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00:02:50,620 --> 00:02:52,520
Mom is on a need-to-know basis.
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What if Mom needs to know?
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Okay, it's a secret.
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Just trust me.
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It is better for everyone if
she doesn't know about this.
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00:02:59,729 --> 00:03:01,629
But I'm not good at keeping secrets.
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00:03:01,631 --> 00:03:03,731
It's not hard. Just
keep your mouth shut.
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00:03:03,733 --> 00:03:05,466
But I'm not good at
keeping my mouth shut.
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00:03:05,468 --> 00:03:09,503
Sheldon, all you got to do is be cool.
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00:03:11,617 --> 00:03:13,184
"Be cool."
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00:03:13,187 --> 00:03:16,377
He might as well have asked
me to fly around the backyard.
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- Good night, baby.
- Night, Mama.
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00:03:20,398 --> 00:03:22,950
- Love you.
- Love you, too.
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00:03:24,487 --> 00:03:26,487
Oh, hello.
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00:03:26,489 --> 00:03:30,057
I was just brushing my
teeth like I do every night.
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Nothing new there.
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00:03:32,028 --> 00:03:33,364
You all right?
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Yes. I'm cool.
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I'm very cool.
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Tell Sheldon what cool means.
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Hush.
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Sweet dreams.
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Love you.
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00:03:44,026 --> 00:03:46,660
Love you, too, 'cause you're my mom.
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You're so weird.
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00:03:56,152 --> 00:03:58,185
More than usual?
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No, I guess not.
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Perfect.
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00:04:04,031 --> 00:04:05,893
To avoid looking suspicious,
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00:04:05,895 --> 00:04:09,530
I tried to interact with my
mom as little as possible.
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Thankfully, it's rude to
speak with your mouth full.
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00:04:12,702 --> 00:04:15,035
You look tired, baby. Sleep okay?
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00:04:15,037 --> 00:04:16,470
Mm-hmm.
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00:04:18,574 --> 00:04:21,709
So how big a tax refund
you think we're gonna get?
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00:04:21,711 --> 00:04:23,811
Mm.
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00:04:23,813 --> 00:04:26,080
- Mornin'.
- Mornin'.
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I slept in the nude last night.
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Felt every little breeze.
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Thank you for sharing that.
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You're welcome.
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Fight, you cowards, fight!
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You fight, Skeletor.
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Mare, we got any batteries?!
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Look in the drawer by the refrigerator.
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There was only so much food I could eat,
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so I started avoiding my
mother whenever possible.
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What are you doing in there?
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Keeping your secret.
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You got to pull it together.
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This is me pulling it together.
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- Pull harder.
- Find 'em?
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Yeah. Got 'em. Thanks.
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00:05:07,245 --> 00:05:09,664
You're very welcome.
Hey, have you noticed
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00:05:09,667 --> 00:05:11,225
anything off with Sheldon?
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Uh, no, no, no. Can't
say that I have. Why?
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He's been awful quiet, and, at
the risk of being indelicate,
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he's gone several days
without a bowel movement.
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How do you know that?
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Well, I was worried about him,
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so I took a look in his potty journal.
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He's still keeping that thing, huh?
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Oh, yeah, that's why he
wanted the Polaroid camera.
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Uh, well, I'm sure he's gonna be fine,
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00:05:33,835 --> 00:05:36,016
uh, but I'll keep an eye on him.
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- Thank you.
- You got it.
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- She's gone.
- Thank you.
128
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Batteries are in this drawer.
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We got a problem.
130
00:05:59,835 --> 00:06:01,875
I don't know how much
longer Sheldon can hold out.
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This is why I did not
want you to write a check.
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Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't have
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that kind of cash lying around.
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I do not want Mary to
find out about this.
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00:06:09,485 --> 00:06:10,851
Well, what about Sheldon?
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The kid hasn't pooped
in days, he might pop.
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Slip a little Metamucil into
his apple juice, he'll be fine.
138
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Why don't we just come clean?
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All right, sure, we could do that.
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You could rat me out to Mary and...
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00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:29,536
I could tell her what you
did at the church picnic.
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Come on.
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Now you're just playing dirty.
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00:06:32,808 --> 00:06:35,309
We sink or swim together, George.
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00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:37,804
We sink or swim together.
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00:06:44,125 --> 00:06:46,220
Grandmas are supposed to be nice.
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00:06:46,223 --> 00:06:47,968
What went wrong with you?
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00:06:51,215 --> 00:06:53,285
Avoiding my mother in our own house
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00:06:53,288 --> 00:06:54,953
was proving to be difficult,
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00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:57,508
so it was time to get creative.
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00:06:57,511 --> 00:07:00,622
Hello. I'd like to book
a room in your hotel.
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00:07:00,624 --> 00:07:03,191
I'd be arriving tonight.
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00:07:03,193 --> 00:07:07,229
No, it's just me.
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00:07:07,231 --> 00:07:10,152
Ooh, a queen bed, that sounds fancy.
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00:07:10,155 --> 00:07:14,068
And how much would this room cost?
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Wow. Is that per month?
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00:07:17,341 --> 00:07:20,175
Per day?
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00:07:20,177 --> 00:07:23,011
By any chance, do you
have a children's rate?
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00:07:24,448 --> 00:07:27,215
We've been friends for
a while now, haven't we?
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00:07:27,217 --> 00:07:29,284
I suppose so.
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00:07:29,286 --> 00:07:31,918
Given that, how would you
feel about a sleepover?
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00:07:31,921 --> 00:07:34,054
Sure. Your mom lets you watch TV.
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00:07:34,057 --> 00:07:35,824
Jake and the Fatman is on tonight.
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00:07:35,826 --> 00:07:38,293
I meant we could sleep at your house.
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00:07:38,295 --> 00:07:40,095
But you'll miss Jake and the Fatman.
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Even better. So what do you say?
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I'll have to ask my mom.
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Well, be sure to tell her
I'm clean, I'm well-behaved,
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and if you don't have a lot of room,
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I can fit in really tight spaces.
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So your first sleepover.
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00:07:57,681 --> 00:07:59,147
Pretty exciting, huh?
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00:07:59,149 --> 00:08:02,117
No. It's not exciting,
it's constipating,
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and I'm only doing it to avoid Mom.
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00:08:04,254 --> 00:08:06,800
But still, it's your first sleepover.
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00:08:06,803 --> 00:08:08,449
It's fun stuff.
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00:08:10,166 --> 00:08:12,200
Okay, I know you're having
a tough time with this,
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00:08:12,203 --> 00:08:14,787
but... you're doing great.
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00:08:14,790 --> 00:08:17,157
You spend some time at Tam's house,
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00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:20,371
you know, clear your head,
and come back home refreshed.
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00:08:20,374 --> 00:08:21,873
And then I can tell Mom?
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00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:23,471
Oh, no, you can never tell Mom.
183
00:08:23,473 --> 00:08:26,441
Wouldn't it be easier to just be honest?
184
00:08:26,443 --> 00:08:29,160
Usually, it would be, but...
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00:08:29,163 --> 00:08:32,513
sometimes the truth can hurt people.
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00:08:32,516 --> 00:08:34,549
We wouldn't want to hurt Mom, right?
187
00:08:34,551 --> 00:08:35,617
Of course not.
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00:08:35,619 --> 00:08:37,152
Attaboy.
189
00:08:40,958 --> 00:08:43,894
Hey, here's a funny
prank you can try tonight.
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00:08:43,897 --> 00:08:46,561
When Tam falls asleep, put
some shaving cream in his hand
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00:08:46,563 --> 00:08:48,096
and then tickle his nose.
192
00:08:48,098 --> 00:08:49,097
Why?
193
00:08:49,099 --> 00:08:50,999
'Cause then he'll go to,
194
00:08:51,001 --> 00:08:52,467
you know, scratch his nose,
195
00:08:52,469 --> 00:08:54,469
and he gets shaving cream on his face.
196
00:08:54,471 --> 00:08:56,004
And then what?
197
00:08:56,006 --> 00:08:59,541
Well... that-that's it.
198
00:08:59,543 --> 00:09:01,176
But I'm a guest in their home,
199
00:09:01,178 --> 00:09:02,871
and that doesn't seem
like a very good way
200
00:09:02,874 --> 00:09:04,411
to repay their kindness.
201
00:09:04,414 --> 00:09:06,425
Never mind.
202
00:09:06,428 --> 00:09:08,464
And what if the shaving
cream gets in his eyes?
203
00:09:08,467 --> 00:09:09,621
That would sting.
204
00:09:09,624 --> 00:09:10,990
Sorry I mentioned it.
205
00:09:10,993 --> 00:09:12,732
Also, I didn't bring
my own shaving cream.
206
00:09:12,735 --> 00:09:13,704
I'd have to use his dad's, and that...
207
00:09:13,706 --> 00:09:15,505
Forget it!
208
00:09:21,598 --> 00:09:22,964
Hello.
209
00:09:22,966 --> 00:09:25,100
Hi. You must be Mrs....
210
00:09:25,102 --> 00:09:26,401
Tam's mom.
211
00:09:26,403 --> 00:09:28,503
I'm Sheldon's dad, George Cooper.
212
00:09:28,505 --> 00:09:29,516
Nice to meet you.
213
00:09:29,519 --> 00:09:31,061
Thanks for letting him spend the night.
214
00:09:31,063 --> 00:09:33,041
It's his first sleepover. He's excited.
215
00:09:33,043 --> 00:09:34,943
Actually, I'm quite apprehens...
216
00:09:34,945 --> 00:09:36,611
He's really looking forward to it.
217
00:09:36,613 --> 00:09:38,046
Uh, in case something
218
00:09:38,048 --> 00:09:39,914
comes up, just give us a holler.
219
00:09:39,916 --> 00:09:42,183
I mean, a call. If you
hollered, we wouldn't hear you.
220
00:09:44,354 --> 00:09:46,221
That-that was a joke.
221
00:09:46,223 --> 00:09:47,956
Ha-ha-ha!
222
00:09:47,958 --> 00:09:49,891
Okay, buddy, have fun.
223
00:09:51,949 --> 00:09:53,982
Visiting Tam's house
224
00:09:53,985 --> 00:09:57,165
for the first time was an
emotional roller coaster.
225
00:09:57,167 --> 00:10:00,110
For example, it's traditional
in Vietnamese homes
226
00:10:00,113 --> 00:10:03,013
to have gruesome religious
iconography near the entrance.
227
00:10:03,016 --> 00:10:05,068
I did not like that.
228
00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:07,227
However, it's also customary
229
00:10:07,230 --> 00:10:08,810
to not wear shoes around the house
230
00:10:08,812 --> 00:10:10,845
for sanitary reasons.
231
00:10:10,847 --> 00:10:12,747
I did like that.
232
00:10:12,749 --> 00:10:14,039
Interestingly,
233
00:10:14,042 --> 00:10:16,880
one of the main ingredients
in Vietnamese cooking
234
00:10:16,883 --> 00:10:20,488
is an extremely pungent
condiment known as fish sauce.
235
00:10:20,490 --> 00:10:22,490
I did not like that.
236
00:10:22,492 --> 00:10:24,396
But before every meal,
237
00:10:24,399 --> 00:10:27,962
it's common for everyone to
wash their hands and face.
238
00:10:27,964 --> 00:10:29,631
I did like that.
239
00:10:29,633 --> 00:10:33,268
Forks are not customary
in a Vietnamese household.
240
00:10:35,369 --> 00:10:37,360
I did not like that.
241
00:10:37,363 --> 00:10:40,641
And instead of napkins,
there was one towel
242
00:10:40,644 --> 00:10:42,210
for everyone to share at the table.
243
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:46,581
Seriously, what are they thinking?
244
00:10:46,583 --> 00:10:49,250
I can't help thinking how odd it is
245
00:10:49,252 --> 00:10:51,907
that Shelly volunteered
to go on a sleepover.
246
00:10:51,910 --> 00:10:53,121
Oh, I don't know.
247
00:10:53,123 --> 00:10:55,023
Hmm? He's growing up.
248
00:10:55,025 --> 00:10:57,492
It's natural for a young boy
to want to spread his wings
249
00:10:57,494 --> 00:10:59,294
a little bit, try something new.
250
00:10:59,296 --> 00:11:00,662
That's nonsense.
251
00:11:00,664 --> 00:11:02,030
Last week, I brought home
252
00:11:02,032 --> 00:11:03,865
the Raisin Bran with
the sugar on the raisins.
253
00:11:03,867 --> 00:11:06,055
He almost lost his mind.
254
00:11:06,058 --> 00:11:07,591
If you ask me,
255
00:11:07,594 --> 00:11:09,204
you're worried about nothing.
256
00:11:09,206 --> 00:11:11,339
Maybe it's me.
257
00:11:11,341 --> 00:11:13,930
Maybe I did something to upset him.
258
00:11:13,933 --> 00:11:15,677
What are you talking about?
259
00:11:15,679 --> 00:11:16,688
He loves you
260
00:11:16,691 --> 00:11:17,957
like crazy.
261
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,814
Much more than he loves this one.
262
00:11:19,816 --> 00:11:20,982
It's true.
263
00:11:20,984 --> 00:11:22,183
I don't know.
264
00:11:22,185 --> 00:11:24,544
I just feel like something isn't right.
265
00:11:24,547 --> 00:11:26,247
Mom!
266
00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:28,391
I got my hair stuck in my zipper!
267
00:11:28,394 --> 00:11:30,592
That's the kid you need
to be worried about.
268
00:11:33,797 --> 00:11:35,964
Okay, Connie, why don't
we just come clean?
269
00:11:35,966 --> 00:11:38,066
- No.
- You heard her.
270
00:11:38,068 --> 00:11:39,934
Now she's blaming herself.
271
00:11:39,936 --> 00:11:41,403
And Sheldon's so upset
272
00:11:41,405 --> 00:11:43,738
he's-he's acting like a regular kid.
273
00:11:43,740 --> 00:11:45,750
- All right, let's tell her.
- Thank you.
274
00:11:45,753 --> 00:11:48,076
But first I'm gonna tell her
what you did at the picnic.
275
00:11:48,078 --> 00:11:50,008
- Oh, Mary!
- Okay, okay, shh.
276
00:11:54,184 --> 00:11:56,751
I don't know how much longer
we can keep this going.
277
00:11:56,753 --> 00:11:58,625
I'm willing to find out.
278
00:12:05,362 --> 00:12:09,030
So, this game is called
Mystic Warlords of Ka'a.
279
00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:10,203
It's pretty fun.
280
00:12:10,206 --> 00:12:12,219
There are six kinds
of secret warlords...
281
00:12:12,222 --> 00:12:15,545
- Secret warlords.
- It's a secret. Secret.
282
00:12:15,548 --> 00:12:16,747
It's a secret.
283
00:12:16,750 --> 00:12:18,673
Have you noticed
anything off with Sheldon?
284
00:12:18,675 --> 00:12:20,008
Something between me and you.
285
00:12:20,010 --> 00:12:21,810
Mom is on a need-to-know basis.
286
00:12:21,812 --> 00:12:23,545
I took a little look
in his potty journal.
287
00:12:23,547 --> 00:12:26,021
- It's a secret.
- Several days without a bowel movement.
288
00:12:26,024 --> 00:12:27,682
- Sheldon.
- Secret. Secret.
289
00:12:27,684 --> 00:12:28,750
- A secret.
- Sheldon.
290
00:12:29,519 --> 00:12:31,119
Did you hear anything I said?
291
00:12:31,121 --> 00:12:35,328
Sorry, I was reliving
a traumatic experience.
292
00:12:35,331 --> 00:12:36,424
What do you mean?
293
00:12:39,196 --> 00:12:41,863
Tam, I have a secret
that's weighing on me,
294
00:12:41,865 --> 00:12:43,565
and I need to tell someone.
295
00:12:43,567 --> 00:12:44,899
Okay. Tell me.
296
00:12:44,901 --> 00:12:46,868
But I promised I wouldn't.
297
00:12:46,870 --> 00:12:48,770
Okay. Then don't.
298
00:12:48,772 --> 00:12:50,772
But it's driving me crazy.
299
00:12:50,775 --> 00:12:52,086
Too bad you're not Catholic.
300
00:12:52,089 --> 00:12:53,685
You could confess it to a priest.
301
00:12:53,688 --> 00:12:55,910
That's a great idea.
302
00:12:55,912 --> 00:12:58,313
You're Catholic. I'll confess it to you.
303
00:12:58,315 --> 00:12:59,610
I'm not a priest.
304
00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:00,715
I'm not a Catholic.
305
00:13:00,717 --> 00:13:02,417
It makes perfect sense.
306
00:13:02,419 --> 00:13:05,420
Okay, whenever you're ready.
307
00:13:05,422 --> 00:13:07,889
What are you doing?
308
00:13:07,891 --> 00:13:10,091
I'm assuming the position.
309
00:13:10,093 --> 00:13:11,693
Okay.
310
00:13:11,695 --> 00:13:14,482
Forgive me, Tam, for I have sinned.
311
00:13:14,485 --> 00:13:16,431
This is my first confession.
312
00:13:16,433 --> 00:13:18,733
I forgive you, my son.
313
00:13:18,735 --> 00:13:23,304
I was doing my parents' taxes
and noticed a check was missing.
314
00:13:23,306 --> 00:13:24,973
- I asked my father about it...
- As I walked Tam
315
00:13:24,975 --> 00:13:26,774
through the whole sordid affair,
316
00:13:26,776 --> 00:13:29,511
I could feel a weight
lifting off my shoulders.
317
00:13:29,513 --> 00:13:32,318
It was a relief to
finally unburden myself
318
00:13:32,321 --> 00:13:33,781
of this deception.
319
00:13:33,783 --> 00:13:35,450
By the time I reached the end,
320
00:13:35,452 --> 00:13:37,719
I felt like a new person.
321
00:13:37,721 --> 00:13:39,754
That's the whole story.
322
00:13:39,756 --> 00:13:42,086
Cool. Can we play now?
323
00:13:42,096 --> 00:13:44,279
And now that my conscience
had been cleared,
324
00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:46,861
my colon was ready to do the same.
325
00:13:46,863 --> 00:13:49,631
Excuse me. I need to use your bathroom!
326
00:13:56,735 --> 00:13:59,503
Thank you for letting
me sleep in your bed.
327
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:02,922
My father taught me that we
must always honor our guests
328
00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:04,875
and treat them with the utmost courtesy.
329
00:14:04,877 --> 00:14:07,811
The Vietnamese are a
very welcoming people.
330
00:14:07,813 --> 00:14:10,781
Yeah, that hasn't
always worked out for us.
331
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:17,989
Do you think your dad would ever ask you
332
00:14:17,992 --> 00:14:20,023
to keep a secret from your mom?
333
00:14:20,032 --> 00:14:21,058
Oh, no.
334
00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:23,427
He's so honest, it's annoying.
335
00:14:23,429 --> 00:14:25,125
Enough talking.
336
00:14:25,128 --> 00:14:27,061
Sleep now.
337
00:14:28,945 --> 00:14:30,934
She's just annoying.
338
00:14:38,277 --> 00:14:40,247
Well, you did it.
339
00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:44,147
How was your first sleepover?
340
00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:48,751
They feed you any weird food?
341
00:14:48,754 --> 00:14:51,622
When I was in 'Nam, we ate
fish soup for breakfast.
342
00:14:52,658 --> 00:14:54,791
Sheldon, I'm talking to you.
343
00:14:54,793 --> 00:14:57,261
Well, I'm not talking to you.
344
00:14:57,263 --> 00:14:59,129
Okay, what's going on?
345
00:14:59,131 --> 00:15:01,598
After having my first good
night's sleep in a week,
346
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,633
I woke up with a fresh perspective.
347
00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:04,902
And that is...?
348
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,104
It was irresponsible of you
349
00:15:07,106 --> 00:15:08,872
to burden me with that secret.
350
00:15:08,874 --> 00:15:11,642
Sheldon, we've been through this.
351
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:13,176
It's complicated.
352
00:15:13,178 --> 00:15:16,609
While I may not look up to you
from an intellectual standpoint,
353
00:15:16,612 --> 00:15:18,813
I've always looked up
to you as a role model.
354
00:15:22,054 --> 00:15:24,156
I can't do that anymore.
355
00:15:27,826 --> 00:15:29,760
And don't worry... We made a deal.
356
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:32,344
I'll continue to keep your secret.
357
00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:45,008
Hey.
358
00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:46,031
What's up?
359
00:15:46,034 --> 00:15:48,477
Um, I need to tell you something.
360
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:49,680
What did you do?
361
00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:52,607
When Sheldon was doing our taxes,
362
00:15:52,610 --> 00:15:54,281
he noticed a missing check.
363
00:15:54,284 --> 00:15:55,352
What did you do?
364
00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:57,317
Before I answer, do you trust me enough
365
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,188
to understand it was for a good reason
366
00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:00,691
and j-just leave it at that?
367
00:16:05,185 --> 00:16:07,085
What did you do?
368
00:16:07,088 --> 00:16:09,099
It's all your mother's
fault. She is a bad person.
369
00:16:09,101 --> 00:16:10,968
I've been telling you for years.
370
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,602
What did you do?
371
00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:14,747
Okay, now, before I answer that...
372
00:16:14,750 --> 00:16:16,173
Just tell me what you did.
373
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:17,541
I got a DWI.
374
00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:19,203
Mom!
375
00:16:19,206 --> 00:16:20,839
It's not as bad as it sounds.
376
00:16:20,842 --> 00:16:23,242
How is driving drunk not bad?
377
00:16:23,245 --> 00:16:24,848
I wasn't exactly driving.
378
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:27,184
I don't follow.
379
00:16:27,186 --> 00:16:29,453
I was at the dog track with Georgie,
380
00:16:29,455 --> 00:16:30,887
and I had a few...
381
00:16:30,889 --> 00:16:32,389
Georgie?
382
00:16:32,391 --> 00:16:33,790
With God as my witness,
383
00:16:33,792 --> 00:16:36,293
I've never been to the
dog track in my life.
384
00:16:36,295 --> 00:16:38,295
She knows.
385
00:16:38,297 --> 00:16:39,830
Oh, I've been there a bunch.
386
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:42,165
Will someone please
tell me what happened?
387
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:45,570
Okay, me and Meemaw were
in the bar at the track...
388
00:16:45,573 --> 00:16:47,506
You took him to a bar?
389
00:16:47,509 --> 00:16:48,672
He wasn't drinking.
390
00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:50,883
She had a few too many margaritas,
391
00:16:50,886 --> 00:16:52,142
so I drove us home.
392
00:16:52,144 --> 00:16:53,877
But you don't have a license.
393
00:16:53,879 --> 00:16:56,625
That's why we swapped places
after the cop pulled us over.
394
00:16:56,628 --> 00:16:57,994
Oh, dear Lord.
395
00:16:57,997 --> 00:16:59,448
I had nothing to do with this part.
396
00:16:59,451 --> 00:17:01,351
- Shut up.
- Will do.
397
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:02,753
I didn't want Georgie
398
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:03,920
to get into trouble,
399
00:17:03,922 --> 00:17:05,477
so I got behind the wheel
400
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:07,302
before the cop walked up.
401
00:17:07,305 --> 00:17:09,966
And then I got arrested, and, uh,
402
00:17:09,969 --> 00:17:11,602
he bailed me out.
403
00:17:11,605 --> 00:17:14,005
So you all thought you
should keep this from me?
404
00:17:14,008 --> 00:17:15,565
- Absolutely.
- 100%.
405
00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:17,701
Okay, here's what's gonna happen: you
406
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:19,369
and you are staying at her house
407
00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:21,117
until I say otherwise.
408
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:23,440
One could argue I was
the hero in this story.
409
00:17:23,442 --> 00:17:26,443
You went gambling and you
drove without a license
410
00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:27,961
and you lied to my face.
411
00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:29,330
Heroically.
412
00:17:29,333 --> 00:17:30,933
Go.
413
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:38,455
I love everything about this.
414
00:17:42,649 --> 00:17:44,580
I'm guessing you're mad at me.
415
00:17:44,583 --> 00:17:46,048
Aw, forget about it.
416
00:17:46,051 --> 00:17:47,851
I appreciate you not...
417
00:17:47,853 --> 00:17:50,353
ratting me out about the picnic.
418
00:17:50,355 --> 00:17:53,289
Well, we had a deal.
419
00:17:53,291 --> 00:17:56,893
Besides, your marriage is
already hanging by a thread.
420
00:17:56,895 --> 00:17:58,495
It is dangling there.
421
00:17:58,497 --> 00:18:01,831
All right, well, I'm gonna turn in.
422
00:18:01,833 --> 00:18:03,366
Mmm.
423
00:18:03,368 --> 00:18:04,634
Good night.
424
00:18:05,737 --> 00:18:07,487
Night!
425
00:18:13,685 --> 00:18:14,777
Hello?
426
00:18:14,779 --> 00:18:16,379
So, get a load of this.
427
00:18:16,381 --> 00:18:18,715
Last church picnic, your husband
428
00:18:18,717 --> 00:18:20,659
snuck in a six-pack,
429
00:18:20,662 --> 00:18:22,117
polished off the whole thing,
430
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:24,187
then went to wait in
line for the bathroom...
431
00:18:24,189 --> 00:18:25,722
Hey.
432
00:18:25,724 --> 00:18:27,423
You got an extra toothbrush?
433
00:18:27,425 --> 00:18:28,792
Under the sink, darlin'.
434
00:18:28,795 --> 00:18:29,961
Thanks.
435
00:18:29,964 --> 00:18:32,528
You got it.
436
00:18:32,531 --> 00:18:36,951
So then the big gorilla decides
he doesn't want to wait in line,
437
00:18:36,954 --> 00:18:39,937
so he stumbles over to
the church vegetable garden
438
00:18:39,940 --> 00:18:44,307
and proceeds to irrigate
the whole damn thing.
439
00:18:44,309 --> 00:18:46,776
I've eaten those vegetables.
440
00:18:46,778 --> 00:18:49,565
Sweet dreams.
441
00:18:49,568 --> 00:18:52,673
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