1
00:00:02,402 --> 00:00:04,202
ADULT SHELDON:
For most students, the weekend
2
00:00:04,237 --> 00:00:05,737
represented two days of fun,
3
00:00:05,772 --> 00:00:08,373
freedom, and in the case
of my brother,
4
00:00:08,408 --> 00:00:11,477
a chance to ignore
all forms of hygiene.
5
00:00:14,381 --> 00:00:16,248
(quietly):
Come on, come on.
6
00:00:16,283 --> 00:00:18,150
ADULT SHELDON:
To me, however, it represented
7
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:20,285
an unwelcome break
from education.
8
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:22,954
(school bell rings)
9
00:00:22,989 --> 00:00:24,089
(excited chatter)
10
00:00:24,124 --> 00:00:26,425
Whoo! Thank the Lord!
11
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:28,960
ADULT SHELDON: But this wasn't
a typical weekend,
12
00:00:28,995 --> 00:00:31,029
because this was the weekend
13
00:00:31,064 --> 00:00:33,065
I got to do my parents' taxes.
14
00:00:33,100 --> 00:00:36,368
Howdy do, W-2.
15
00:00:36,403 --> 00:00:39,337
♪ Nobody else
is stronger than I am ♪
16
00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:42,307
♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪
17
00:00:42,342 --> 00:00:45,043
♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪
18
00:00:45,078 --> 00:00:48,013
♪ I am a mighty little man ♪
19
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:51,316
♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪
20
00:00:57,657 --> 00:00:59,958
"If you were not covered
by a retirement plan,
21
00:00:59,993 --> 00:01:04,696
but your spouse was,
see the worksheet on page 14."
22
00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:07,299
Try and stop me.
23
00:01:07,334 --> 00:01:09,334
Mom, I was going through
our expenditures
24
00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:11,970
and noticed our grocery bills
are up 12% compared
25
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:13,805
to last quarter.
Any idea why?
26
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:17,309
There's a person at the end of
the table that eats for free.
27
00:01:17,344 --> 00:01:19,644
There's a person at
the other end of the table
28
00:01:19,679 --> 00:01:21,079
that eats for three.
29
00:01:21,114 --> 00:01:22,614
(laughs)
30
00:01:22,649 --> 00:01:24,683
I've been buying groceries
for the church food drive.
31
00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:26,051
I think that's it.
32
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:27,853
Ooh, I bet I could
write that off,
33
00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:30,856
including the gas it took to
drive to the grocery store
34
00:01:30,891 --> 00:01:32,324
and then to the church.
35
00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:33,425
With all that driving,
maybe she can count
36
00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:34,726
her car as a home office.
37
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:37,863
Sounds aggressive, but I like
how you're thinking.
38
00:01:37,898 --> 00:01:40,832
None of that is necessary,
it's for charity.
39
00:01:40,867 --> 00:01:43,768
What's the point of charity
if there are no tax benefits?
40
00:01:43,803 --> 00:01:45,237
Eat your peas.
41
00:01:45,272 --> 00:01:46,671
I like how he's thinking.
42
00:01:46,706 --> 00:01:48,440
You eat your peas, too.
43
00:01:48,475 --> 00:01:49,708
(laughs)
44
00:01:52,812 --> 00:01:54,212
Dad, banking question.
45
00:01:54,247 --> 00:01:55,347
What's that, buddy?
46
00:01:55,382 --> 00:01:56,982
I noticed there's
a check missing.
47
00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:58,850
I have a copy of check 128
48
00:01:58,885 --> 00:02:01,553
and a copy of check 130,
but 129 isn't there.
49
00:02:01,588 --> 00:02:04,523
Oh, yeah,
don't worry about it.
50
00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:07,325
But I enjoy worrying;
I find it very relaxing.
51
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:08,994
'Course you do.
52
00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:10,228
I balanced the rest
of the account,
53
00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:12,497
and it appears to be
a check for $300.
54
00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:15,467
All right, well,
let's just put it down
55
00:02:15,502 --> 00:02:17,502
for $300 for miscellaneous.
56
00:02:17,537 --> 00:02:20,839
I've never labeled anything
miscellaneous in my life.
57
00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:22,007
I'll go ask Mom.
58
00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:23,842
Wait. (chuckles)
59
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:27,212
I just remembered.
60
00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:30,015
I gave the money to a friend.
61
00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:31,983
Who?
It doesn't matter who.
62
00:02:32,018 --> 00:02:33,285
Why'd you give it to them?
63
00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:36,021
They needed it.
It... it's like charity.
64
00:02:36,056 --> 00:02:38,623
Ooh, another write-off,
excellent.
65
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:40,692
Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
66
00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:45,530
What do you say
we keep this quiet?
67
00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:47,399
You mean like a secret?
68
00:02:47,434 --> 00:02:50,368
No, no, just, you know,
something between you and me.
69
00:02:50,403 --> 00:02:51,436
What about Mom?
70
00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:53,371
Mom is on a need-to-know basis.
71
00:02:53,406 --> 00:02:54,506
What if Mom needs to know?
72
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:56,675
Okay, it's a secret.
73
00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:57,876
Just trust me.
74
00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:00,545
It is better for everyone
if she doesn't know about this.
75
00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:02,447
But I'm not good
at keeping secrets.
76
00:03:02,482 --> 00:03:04,549
It's not hard.
Just keep your mouth shut.
77
00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:06,318
But I'm not good at
keeping my mouth shut.
78
00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:10,589
Sheldon, all you got to do
is be cool.
79
00:03:12,392 --> 00:03:13,825
ADULT SHELDON:
"Be cool."
80
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:17,462
He might as well have asked me
to fly around the backyard.
81
00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:21,032
Good night, baby.
Night, Mama.
82
00:03:21,067 --> 00:03:23,936
Love you.
Love you, too.
83
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:27,138
Oh, hello.
84
00:03:27,173 --> 00:03:30,809
I was just brushing my teeth
like I do every night.
85
00:03:30,844 --> 00:03:32,978
(laughs nervously)
Nothing new there.
86
00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:34,045
You all right?
87
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,181
Yes. I'm cool.
88
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,049
I'm very cool.
89
00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:39,884
Tell Sheldon what cool means.
90
00:03:39,919 --> 00:03:41,686
Hush.
91
00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:43,021
Sweet dreams.
92
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,023
Love you.
93
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,926
Love you, too,
'cause you're my mom.
94
00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:49,628
(laughs nervously)
95
00:03:55,535 --> 00:03:57,068
You're so weird.
96
00:03:57,103 --> 00:03:59,104
More than usual?
97
00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:02,107
No, I guess not.
98
00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:04,909
Perfect.
99
00:04:04,944 --> 00:04:06,678
ADULT SHELDON:
To avoid looking suspicious,
100
00:04:06,713 --> 00:04:10,181
I tried to interact with my mom
as little as possible.
101
00:04:10,216 --> 00:04:13,518
Thankfully, it's rude to speak
with your mouth full.
102
00:04:13,553 --> 00:04:15,987
You look tired, baby.
Sleep okay?
103
00:04:16,022 --> 00:04:17,556
Mm-hmm.
104
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:22,727
So how big a tax refund
you think we're gonna get?
105
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,629
Mm.
106
00:04:24,664 --> 00:04:27,032
Mornin'.
Mornin'.
107
00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:28,633
I slept in the nude last night.
108
00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:30,635
Felt every little breeze.
109
00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:33,104
Thank you for sharing that.
110
00:04:33,139 --> 00:04:35,240
You're welcome.
111
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:38,243
Fight, you cowards, fight!
112
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,645
You fight, Skeletor.
113
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,915
Mare, we got any batteries?!
114
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:47,952
MARY: Look in the drawer
by the refrigerator.
115
00:04:47,987 --> 00:04:50,188
ADULT SHELDON: There was only
so much food I could eat,
116
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:53,625
so I started avoiding my mother
whenever possible.
117
00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:56,695
(gasps)
118
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,263
(whispering)
What are you doing in there?
119
00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,998
(whispering):
Keeping your secret.
120
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,466
You got to pull it together.
121
00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:03,568
This is me pulling it together.
122
00:05:03,603 --> 00:05:05,403
Pull harder.
MARY: Find 'em?
123
00:05:05,438 --> 00:05:08,073
Yeah. (chuckles)
Got 'em. Thanks.
124
00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:10,675
You're very welcome.
Hey, have you noticed
125
00:05:10,710 --> 00:05:11,943
anything off with Sheldon?
126
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:15,213
Uh, no, no, no.
Can't say that I have. Why?
127
00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:18,583
He's been awful quiet, and,
at the risk of being indelicate,
128
00:05:18,618 --> 00:05:22,087
he's gone several days
without a bowel movement.
129
00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:23,455
How do you know that?
130
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,457
Well, I was worried about him,
131
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:26,958
so I took a look
in his potty journal.
132
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:28,226
He's still keeping
that thing, huh?
133
00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:32,564
Oh, yeah, that's why he wanted
the Polaroid camera.
134
00:05:32,599 --> 00:05:34,399
Uh, well,
I'm sure he's gonna be fine,
135
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:36,801
uh, but I'll keep an eye on him.
136
00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:39,671
Thank you.
You got it.
137
00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:45,443
(whispering): She's gone.
SHELDON: Thank you.
138
00:05:45,478 --> 00:05:48,347
Batteries are in this drawer.
139
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:54,052
(knocking on door)
140
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,689
We got a problem.
141
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:02,694
I don't know how much longer
Sheldon can hold out.
142
00:06:02,729 --> 00:06:05,029
This is why I did not want you
to write a check.
143
00:06:05,064 --> 00:06:06,564
Well, I'm sorry,
but I didn't have
144
00:06:06,599 --> 00:06:07,932
that kind of cash
lying around.
145
00:06:07,967 --> 00:06:10,368
I do not want Mary to find out
about this.
146
00:06:10,403 --> 00:06:11,669
Well, what about Sheldon?
147
00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:14,272
The kid hasn't pooped
in days, he might pop.
148
00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:17,275
Slip a little Metamucil into
his apple juice, he'll be fine.
149
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:18,977
Why don't we just come clean?
150
00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:24,382
All right, sure,
we could do that.
151
00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:27,018
You could rat me out
to Mary and...
152
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:30,422
I could tell her what you did
at the church picnic.
153
00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:32,223
Come on.
154
00:06:32,258 --> 00:06:33,625
Now you're just playing dirty.
155
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:36,227
We sink or swim together,
George.
156
00:06:36,262 --> 00:06:39,464
We sink or swim together.
157
00:06:44,771 --> 00:06:46,604
Grandmas are supposed
to be nice.
158
00:06:46,639 --> 00:06:47,939
What went wrong with you?
159
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:54,212
ADULT SHELDON: Avoiding
my mother in our own house
160
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:55,413
was proving to be difficult,
161
00:06:55,448 --> 00:06:57,615
so it was time
to get creative.
162
00:06:57,650 --> 00:07:01,653
Hello. I'd like to book a room
in your hotel.
163
00:07:01,688 --> 00:07:04,289
I'd be arriving tonight.
164
00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:08,126
No, it's just me.
165
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:11,529
Ooh, a queen bed,
that sounds fancy.
166
00:07:11,564 --> 00:07:15,200
And how much
would this room cost?
167
00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:18,403
Wow. Is that per month?
168
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:21,072
Per day?
169
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:25,310
By any chance, do you have
a children's rate?
170
00:07:25,345 --> 00:07:28,313
We've been friends for
a while now, haven't we?
171
00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:30,148
I suppose so.
172
00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:33,017
Given that, how would you
feel about a sleepover?
173
00:07:33,052 --> 00:07:35,119
Sure. Your mom
lets you watch TV.
174
00:07:35,154 --> 00:07:36,821
Jake and the Fatman
is on tonight.
175
00:07:36,856 --> 00:07:39,190
I meant we could sleep
at your house.
176
00:07:39,225 --> 00:07:41,025
But you'll miss
Jake and the Fatman.
177
00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:43,695
Even better.
So what do you say?
178
00:07:44,564 --> 00:07:45,964
I'll have to ask my mom.
179
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:48,566
Well, be sure to tell her
I'm clean, I'm well-behaved,
180
00:07:48,601 --> 00:07:50,335
and if you don't have
a lot of room,
181
00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:52,971
I can fit
in really tight spaces.
182
00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:58,710
So your first sleepover.
183
00:07:58,745 --> 00:08:00,078
Pretty exciting, huh?
184
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:03,047
No. It's not exciting,
it's constipating,
185
00:08:03,082 --> 00:08:05,116
and I'm only doing it
to avoid Mom.
186
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:08,253
But still,
it's your first sleepover.
187
00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:11,155
It's fun stuff.
188
00:08:11,190 --> 00:08:13,391
Okay, I know you're having
a tough time with this,
189
00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:15,727
but... you're doing great.
190
00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:17,996
You spend some time
at Tam's house,
191
00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:21,566
you know, clear your head,
and come back home refreshed.
192
00:08:21,601 --> 00:08:22,967
And then I can tell Mom?
193
00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:24,536
Oh, no, you can
never tell Mom.
194
00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:27,505
Wouldn't it be easier
to just be honest?
195
00:08:27,540 --> 00:08:30,575
Usually, it would be, but...
196
00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:33,578
sometimes the truth
can hurt people. Hmm?
197
00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:35,613
We wouldn't want
to hurt Mom, right?
198
00:08:35,648 --> 00:08:36,848
Of course not.
199
00:08:36,883 --> 00:08:38,283
Attaboy.
200
00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:40,252
(music playing over radio)
201
00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:44,989
Hey, here's a funny prank
you can try tonight.
202
00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:47,625
When Tam falls asleep, put some
shaving cream in his hand
203
00:08:47,660 --> 00:08:49,227
and then tickle his nose.
204
00:08:49,262 --> 00:08:50,028
Why?
205
00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:51,963
'Cause then he'll go to,
206
00:08:51,998 --> 00:08:53,531
you know, scratch his nose,
207
00:08:53,566 --> 00:08:55,533
and he gets shaving cream
on his face.
208
00:08:55,568 --> 00:08:56,968
And then what?
209
00:08:57,003 --> 00:09:00,605
Well... that-that's it.
210
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:02,106
But I'm a guest
in their home,
211
00:09:02,141 --> 00:09:04,208
and that doesn't seem
like a very good way
212
00:09:04,243 --> 00:09:05,510
to repay their kindness.
213
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,679
Never mind.
214
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:09,614
And what if the shaving cream
gets in his eyes?
215
00:09:09,649 --> 00:09:10,815
That would sting.
216
00:09:10,850 --> 00:09:12,116
Sorry I mentioned it.
217
00:09:12,151 --> 00:09:13,651
Also, I didn't bring
my own shaving cream.
218
00:09:13,686 --> 00:09:14,953
I'd have to use his dad's,
and that...
219
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:17,022
Forget it!
(clears throat)
220
00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:20,725
(doorbell rings)
221
00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:24,128
Hello.
222
00:09:24,163 --> 00:09:26,264
Hi. You must be Mrs....
223
00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:27,298
Tam's mom.
224
00:09:27,333 --> 00:09:29,567
I'm Sheldon's dad,
George Cooper.
225
00:09:29,602 --> 00:09:30,668
Nice to meet you.
226
00:09:30,703 --> 00:09:31,869
Thanks for letting him
spend the night.
227
00:09:31,904 --> 00:09:34,005
It's his first sleepover.
He's excited.
228
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:35,940
Actually, I'm quite apprehens...
229
00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:37,675
He's really looking forward
to it.
230
00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:39,010
Uh, in case something
231
00:09:39,045 --> 00:09:40,912
comes up,
just give us a holler.
232
00:09:40,947 --> 00:09:43,314
I mean, a call. If you hollered,
we wouldn't hear you.
233
00:09:43,349 --> 00:09:44,683
(chuckles)
234
00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:47,352
That-that was a joke.
235
00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:48,953
(forced):
Ha-ha-ha!
236
00:09:48,988 --> 00:09:51,122
Okay, buddy, have fun.
237
00:09:52,859 --> 00:09:54,826
ADULT SHELDON:
Visiting Tam's house
238
00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:58,096
for the first time was
an emotional roller coaster.
239
00:09:58,131 --> 00:10:01,165
For example, it's traditional
in Vietnamese homes
240
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,768
to have gruesome religious
iconography near the entrance.
241
00:10:03,803 --> 00:10:05,837
I did not like that.
242
00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:08,272
However, it's also customary
243
00:10:08,307 --> 00:10:09,841
to not wear shoes
around the house
244
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,843
for sanitary reasons.
245
00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:13,778
I did like that.
246
00:10:13,813 --> 00:10:15,413
Interestingly,
247
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,982
one of the main ingredients
in Vietnamese cooking
248
00:10:18,017 --> 00:10:21,586
is an extremely pungent
condiment known as fish sauce.
249
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,588
I did not like that.
250
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,223
But before every meal,
251
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:29,160
it's common for everyone
to wash their hands and face.
252
00:10:29,195 --> 00:10:30,495
I did like that.
253
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:34,399
Forks are not customary
in a Vietnamese household.
254
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:35,333
(giggles)
255
00:10:36,669 --> 00:10:38,770
I did not like that.
256
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:41,706
And instead of napkins,
there was one towel
257
00:10:41,741 --> 00:10:43,375
for everyone
to share at the table.
258
00:10:44,777 --> 00:10:47,445
Seriously,
what are they thinking?
259
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,181
I can't help thinking
how odd it is
260
00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:53,017
that Shelly volunteered
to go on a sleepover.
261
00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:54,085
Oh, I don't know.
262
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,020
Hmm?
He's growing up.
263
00:10:56,055 --> 00:10:58,589
It's natural for a young boy
to want to spread his wings
264
00:10:58,624 --> 00:11:00,425
a little bit,
try something new.
265
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:01,726
That's nonsense.
266
00:11:01,761 --> 00:11:03,027
Last week,
I brought home
267
00:11:03,062 --> 00:11:04,896
the Raisin Bran
with the sugar on the raisins.
268
00:11:04,931 --> 00:11:07,098
He almost lost his mind.
269
00:11:07,133 --> 00:11:08,499
If you ask me,
270
00:11:08,534 --> 00:11:10,168
you're worried
about nothing.
271
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:12,270
(sighs)
Maybe it's me.
272
00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:15,306
Maybe I did something
to upset him.
273
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:16,741
What are you talking about?
274
00:11:16,776 --> 00:11:18,109
He loves you
275
00:11:18,144 --> 00:11:19,110
like crazy.
276
00:11:19,145 --> 00:11:20,845
Much more
than he loves this one.
277
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:21,979
It's true.
278
00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:23,147
I don't know.
279
00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:25,316
I just feel
like something isn't right.
280
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:26,884
MISSY:
Mom!
281
00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:28,453
I got my
hair stuck
282
00:11:28,488 --> 00:11:29,421
in my zipper!
283
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:31,890
That's the kid you need
to be worried about.
284
00:11:34,660 --> 00:11:37,161
(quietly): Okay, Connie, why
don't we just come clean?
285
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:37,795
No.
286
00:11:37,830 --> 00:11:39,063
(scoffs)
You heard her.
287
00:11:39,098 --> 00:11:40,932
Now she's blaming herself.
288
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,333
And Sheldon's so upset
289
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,802
he's-he's acting
like a regular kid.
290
00:11:44,837 --> 00:11:46,938
All right, let's tell her.
Thank you.
291
00:11:46,973 --> 00:11:49,073
But first I'm gonna tell her
what you did at the picnic.
292
00:11:49,108 --> 00:11:51,142
Oh, Mary!
Okay, okay, shh.
293
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:55,113
(sighs)
294
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,749
I don't know how much longer
we can keep this going.
295
00:11:57,784 --> 00:12:00,351
I'm willing to find out.
296
00:12:06,325 --> 00:12:10,027
So, this game is called
Mystic Warlords of Ka'a.
297
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:11,229
It's pretty fun.
298
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:13,331
There are six kinds
of secret warlords...
299
00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:16,801
Secret warlords.
GEORGE SR.:
It's a secret. Secret.
300
00:12:16,836 --> 00:12:17,935
It's a secret.
301
00:12:17,970 --> 00:12:19,737
Have you noticed anything off
with Sheldon?
302
00:12:19,772 --> 00:12:21,005
Something between me
and you.
303
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:22,840
Mom is on a
need-to-know basis.
304
00:12:22,875 --> 00:12:24,442
I took a little look
in his potty journal.
305
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,911
It's a secret.
Several days without
a bowel movement.
306
00:12:26,946 --> 00:12:28,746
TAM: Sheldon.
Secret.
Secret.
307
00:12:28,781 --> 00:12:30,615
A secret.
TAM: Sheldon.
308
00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:32,116
Did you hear
anything I said?
309
00:12:32,151 --> 00:12:36,587
Sorry, I was reliving
a traumatic experience.
310
00:12:36,622 --> 00:12:37,756
What do you mean?
311
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:42,894
Tam, I have a secret
that's weighing on me,
312
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,662
and I need to tell someone.
313
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:45,897
Okay. Tell me.
314
00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:47,899
But I promised I wouldn't.
315
00:12:47,934 --> 00:12:49,834
Okay. Then don't.
316
00:12:49,869 --> 00:12:51,836
But it's driving me crazy.
317
00:12:51,871 --> 00:12:53,004
Too bad you're not Catholic.
318
00:12:53,039 --> 00:12:54,672
You could confess
it to a priest.
319
00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:56,941
That's a great idea.
320
00:12:56,976 --> 00:12:59,477
You're Catholic.
I'll confess it to you.
321
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:00,778
I'm not a priest.
322
00:13:00,813 --> 00:13:01,779
I'm not a Catholic.
323
00:13:01,814 --> 00:13:03,347
It makes perfect sense.
324
00:13:03,382 --> 00:13:06,551
Okay, whenever
you're ready.
325
00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:08,920
What are you doing?
326
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,289
I'm assuming the position.
327
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:12,757
Okay.
328
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:15,493
Forgive me, Tam,
for I have sinned.
329
00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:17,562
This is my first confession.
330
00:13:17,597 --> 00:13:19,597
I forgive you, my son.
331
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:24,268
I was doing my parents' taxes
and noticed a check was missing.
332
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:26,003
I asked my father about it...
ADULT SHELDON:
As I walked Tam
333
00:13:26,038 --> 00:13:27,638
through the whole
sordid affair,
334
00:13:27,673 --> 00:13:30,441
I could feel a weight
lifting off my shoulders.
335
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:33,377
It was a relief
to finally unburden myself
336
00:13:33,412 --> 00:13:34,846
of this deception.
337
00:13:34,881 --> 00:13:36,581
By the time I reached the end,
338
00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:38,783
I felt like a new person.
339
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,818
That's the whole story.
340
00:13:40,853 --> 00:13:43,187
Cool. Can we play now?
341
00:13:43,222 --> 00:13:45,189
And now that my conscience
had been cleared,
342
00:13:45,224 --> 00:13:47,925
my colon was ready
to do the same.
343
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,962
Excuse me. I need
to use your bathroom!
344
00:13:52,431 --> 00:13:53,364
(door creaks closed)
345
00:13:58,104 --> 00:14:00,671
Thank you for letting me sleep
in your bed.
346
00:14:00,706 --> 00:14:04,408
My father taught me that
we must always honor our guests
347
00:14:04,443 --> 00:14:06,177
and treat them
with the utmost courtesy.
348
00:14:06,212 --> 00:14:09,113
The Vietnamese
are a very welcoming people.
349
00:14:09,148 --> 00:14:12,317
Yeah, that hasn't
always worked out for us.
350
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,554
(grunts)
351
00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:19,190
Do you think
your dad would ever ask you
352
00:14:19,225 --> 00:14:21,492
to keep a secret from your mom?
353
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:22,326
Oh, no.
354
00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:24,829
He's so honest, it's annoying.
355
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,764
Enough talking.
356
00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:28,933
Sleep now.
357
00:14:29,936 --> 00:14:32,436
She's just annoying.
358
00:14:32,471 --> 00:14:34,405
♪ ♪
359
00:14:39,745 --> 00:14:41,579
Well, you did it.
360
00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:43,314
(grunts)
361
00:14:43,349 --> 00:14:45,617
How was your first sleepover?
362
00:14:48,654 --> 00:14:49,887
They feed you any weird food?
363
00:14:49,922 --> 00:14:52,990
When I was in 'Nam,
we ate fish soup for breakfast.
364
00:14:53,025 --> 00:14:53,925
(chuckles)
365
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,127
Sheldon, I'm
talking to you.
366
00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:58,696
Well, I'm not talking
to you.
367
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,398
Okay, what's going on?
368
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,967
After having my first
good night's sleep in a week,
369
00:15:03,002 --> 00:15:05,403
I woke up
with a fresh perspective.
370
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:06,203
And that is...?
371
00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:08,372
It was irresponsible of you
372
00:15:08,407 --> 00:15:10,174
to burden me with that secret.
373
00:15:10,209 --> 00:15:13,010
Sheldon, we've been
through this. (stammers)
374
00:15:13,045 --> 00:15:14,412
It's complicated.
375
00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:17,648
While I may not look up to you
from an intellectual standpoint,
376
00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:20,218
I've always looked up
to you as a role model.
377
00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:26,524
I can't do that anymore.
378
00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:31,095
And don't worry--
we made a deal.
379
00:15:31,130 --> 00:15:34,432
I'll continue
to keep your secret.
380
00:15:35,534 --> 00:15:37,468
♪ ♪
381
00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:41,439
(engine starts)
382
00:15:41,474 --> 00:15:43,541
(birds singing)
383
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:46,510
Hey.
384
00:15:46,545 --> 00:15:47,545
What's up?
385
00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:49,880
Um, I need to tell
you something.
386
00:15:49,915 --> 00:15:51,048
What did you do?
387
00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:53,651
(sighs) When Sheldon
was doing our taxes,
388
00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:55,853
he noticed a missing check.
389
00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:57,021
What did you do?
390
00:15:57,056 --> 00:15:58,489
Before I answer,
do you trust me enough
391
00:15:58,524 --> 00:16:00,658
to understand
it was for a good reason
392
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:02,260
and j-just leave it at that?
393
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:06,797
(gulps)
394
00:16:06,832 --> 00:16:08,499
What did you do?
395
00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:10,368
It's all your mother's fault.
She is a bad person.
396
00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,470
I've been telling you for years.
397
00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:14,138
What did you do?
398
00:16:14,173 --> 00:16:16,140
Okay, now,
before I answer that--
399
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:17,641
Just tell me
what you did.
400
00:16:17,676 --> 00:16:18,943
I got a DWI.
401
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,778
Mom!
402
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,279
It's not as bad as it sounds.
403
00:16:22,314 --> 00:16:24,815
How is driving drunk not bad?
404
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:26,183
I wasn't exactly driving.
405
00:16:26,218 --> 00:16:28,452
I don't follow.
406
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:30,855
I was at the dog track
with Georgie,
407
00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:32,423
and I had a few...
408
00:16:32,458 --> 00:16:33,824
Georgie?
409
00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:35,126
With God as my witness,
410
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:37,728
I've never been to the dog track
in my life.
411
00:16:37,763 --> 00:16:39,530
(quietly):
She knows.
412
00:16:39,565 --> 00:16:41,165
Oh, I've been
there a bunch.
413
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,434
Will someone please tell me
what happened?
414
00:16:43,469 --> 00:16:47,038
Okay, me and Meemaw were
in the bar at the track...
415
00:16:47,073 --> 00:16:48,973
You took him to a bar?
416
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,041
He wasn't drinking.
417
00:16:50,076 --> 00:16:52,576
She had a few
too many margaritas,
418
00:16:52,611 --> 00:16:53,411
so I drove us home.
419
00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:54,945
But you don't have a license.
420
00:16:54,980 --> 00:16:58,149
That's why we swapped places
after the cop pulled us over.
421
00:16:58,184 --> 00:16:59,450
Oh, dear Lord.
422
00:16:59,485 --> 00:17:00,851
I had nothing to do
with this part.
423
00:17:00,886 --> 00:17:01,852
Shut up.
424
00:17:01,887 --> 00:17:02,586
Will do.
425
00:17:02,621 --> 00:17:04,121
MEEMAW: I didn't
want Georgie
426
00:17:04,156 --> 00:17:05,256
to get into trouble,
427
00:17:05,291 --> 00:17:07,091
so I got behind the wheel
428
00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:08,959
before the cop
walked up.
429
00:17:08,994 --> 00:17:11,228
And then I got arrested,
and, uh,
430
00:17:11,263 --> 00:17:12,863
he bailed me out.
431
00:17:12,898 --> 00:17:15,399
So you all thought
you should keep this from me?
432
00:17:15,434 --> 00:17:16,767
Absolutely.
100%.
Yes.
433
00:17:16,802 --> 00:17:19,070
Okay, here's what's
gonna happen: you
434
00:17:19,105 --> 00:17:20,805
and you are staying
at her house
435
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,640
until I say otherwise.
436
00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:24,675
One could argue I was
the hero in this story.
437
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:27,878
You went gambling and you drove
without a license
438
00:17:27,913 --> 00:17:29,580
and you lied to my face.
439
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:30,881
Heroically.
440
00:17:30,916 --> 00:17:32,583
Go.
441
00:17:37,256 --> 00:17:40,091
I love everything
about this.
442
00:17:44,263 --> 00:17:45,763
I'm guessing you're mad at me.
443
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:47,131
Aw, forget about it.
444
00:17:47,166 --> 00:17:48,966
I appreciate you not...
445
00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:51,569
ratting me out about the picnic.
446
00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:54,305
Well, we had a deal.
447
00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:58,008
Besides, your marriage
is already hanging by a thread.
448
00:17:58,043 --> 00:17:59,477
It is dangling there.
449
00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:02,947
All right, well,
I'm gonna turn in.
450
00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:04,582
Mmm.
451
00:18:04,617 --> 00:18:05,817
Good night.
452
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,320
Night!
453
00:18:12,324 --> 00:18:14,925
(phone rings)
454
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:15,926
Hello?
455
00:18:15,961 --> 00:18:17,394
MEEMAW:
So, get a load of this.
456
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:19,864
Last church picnic,
your husband
457
00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:21,966
snuck in a six-pack,
458
00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:23,000
polished off the whole thing,
459
00:18:23,036 --> 00:18:25,436
then went to wait in line
for the bathroom...
460
00:18:25,471 --> 00:18:26,871
Hey.
461
00:18:26,906 --> 00:18:28,439
You got an extra toothbrush?
462
00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:30,441
Under the sink, darlin'.
463
00:18:30,476 --> 00:18:31,575
Thanks.
464
00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:33,511
You got it.
465
00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:37,748
So then the big gorilla decides
he doesn't want to wait in line,
466
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:40,751
so he stumbles over
to the church vegetable garden
467
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:45,356
and proceeds to irrigate
the whole damn thing.
468
00:18:45,391 --> 00:18:47,925
I've eaten those vegetables.
469
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,661
Sweet dreams.
(laughs)