- Really? Still with the silent treatment?
Well, then, why did you even answer?!
Listen, I'm sorry that I left so abruptly.
But I don't know how many times I can apologize.
- I don't ask much.
I just ask that I don't come home
And find two hungry daughters,
And a note that just says, "brb."
- So I guess it didn't work?
Honey, wynston publishing is a really big deal.
It might be my last chance for my book to find a home.
I would've been crazy not to take this meeting.
- Yeah, you know what else is crazy?
Taking a vacation one day after you start work!
When is your return flight home?
- Oh, um... - Alexa,
Are there any flights on the family calendar?
Alexa: I see no flights on the calendar.
- (groans)
- You didn't book a return flight.
- I will!
- Really? Silent treatment again?
Okay. All right. Goodbye!
(video game beeps)
Jesus ella, turn it down!
(game beeps and chimes, then stops)
- You all right?
- Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm just tense from the lionel thing.
- Yeah, of course, I heard.
But look, we got a big day today.
Okay, so we gotta get our head in the game,
And show him why you came out here.
- Mm-hmm. - Because sloane is expecting
To meet anne carlson, parenting expert.
And you just snapped at someone else's two-year-old.
- Totally. Sorry. - Please.
- Okay, sloane. What's she like?
- Oh! Uh, I don't know!
Uh, she's bitchin', you know? (giggles)
- Bitchin'? - She bumps, you know?
She fucks, she slaps. - You're glitching.
- You'll see. You're gonna love her,
You're gonna fuckin' love her! (laughs)
- (sighs)
♪♪♪
- You're gay! - You're gay!
Sorry, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Jesus, can't you keep it down?! - I saw you.
Gropin' a man! A man with a dick!
- And? - What do you mean, "and?!"
- I'm sorry you had to see that, but we spoke about this.
We see other people. - People! Not men!
- Last I checked, men are people.
- Okay, riddler, stop trying to outsmart me here.
- I don't know what to say. In these matters like these,
I'm... Fluid. - (exhales)
I, I just don't understand how you can like this...
And that.
- I guess I'm a people person.
Look, what's under the hood is just a detail.
- (scoffs) you know what you're being?
You're being greedy.
I'm dumping your gay ass. How's that for a detail?!
- I really do want to keep seeing you.
But you're right, it's probably not wise for me
To keep seeing someone so... Close-minded. (sighs)
Thanks for coming by and making your concerns known.
(keys clack)
(receding footsteps clack)
Jenny, wait.
- Yeah?
- Please tell marvin I need an update
On the perlmutter-dorman account by end-of-day.
- (scoffs)
(streetcar rumbles)
(low hum of chatter)
- Oh!
- Yeah.
- Thank you, parents, for coming to your children's
Storybook exhibit!
How thrilling it is to see the way our children
Are learning to connect beginnings,
Middles, and endings.
Enjoy!
(parents murmur quietly)
- Zoe made a love story.
About a boy and a girl.
And nobody else.
- Okay, so here's charlie's.
Clearly a beginning. It's the uh, story of...
- An outline of a hand.
- Thoughts?
- I'm gathering you're not a fan of his story?
- Well, I'm starting to think that charlie might struggle
With "results anxiety."
See the way the story just sorta...
Fizzles out?
It's because he had a meltdown
After another student's project received quite a bit of praise.
- Sorry, results anxiety? Uh, for a five-year-old?
- Oh yeah. - Is that normal?
- Oh no.
If you have time, rhoda's story is really worth a look.
- Oh, I'm sure it is. - It is.
- I swear I can almost feel the rat's emotions
Coming off the page!
We need to nurture this talent.
- Oh wow. Wow.
Well, the story of a rat and a girl, struck by lightning.
Fused together, huh!
- Rat-girl.
- Rat-girl, you guys must be very proud.
(all chuckle)
(frankie sighs)
♪♪♪
Kate: The thought of him trying his best,
And then getting so emotional he can't finish?
I can't, I can't take it.
- Oh, I just hope he's not alienating himself.
- You think he has no friends?
- Well, I don't know.
- Okay, well, his birthday's coming up.
Maybe we, you know, invite the whole class.
No art. No meltdown. Just good times.
- I love that. (door shuts) let's do it.
- And while I want to build up the confidence of all the men
In my life, it is my duty to tell you,
You look... Stupid in that reflective vest.
- Safety first. - It's the daytime, nathan!
- I'm very fast. - Nathan!
- Love you!
Maya: What a shit show in there!
- Okay?
- The way everyone fawns over that girl's art
Like she's monet?! - It is so great
To hear you say that! Charlie cannot keep up.
I mean, rhoda's art is sending
Him into a whole goddamn tailspin!
- Well, if it makes you feel better,
I don't know what the hell axe's story is about.
There's like six characters, they're all stick figures.
No idea who's who. - Ah, here's to dumb sons.
- Dumb sons!
♪♪♪
(streetcar rattles)
- Well, anne, I can't say I'm surprised to see you back
From that shitty mountain town.
- Well, it's only temporary, unfortunately.
I'm here to sell my book.
Kate got me this meeting today,
And I'm totally freaked out about it.
- Pony up, cowgirl. You know you got the goods.
And if they don't see it, fuck 'em.
Fuck their buttholes raw. - What?
- Oh, sorry, bit of a tizzy this morning.
It's my boys. Every interaction leaves me with so much rage.
Little j.J. Turns 18 today,
And I fear if I don't do something,
I'm gonna be watching them masturbate into banana peels
For the rest of my life.
- You know it's you that gave me that life-changing
Parenting advice, right?
- The trail of nuts?
- Everything changed for me once I let go of control
And set alice free.
Maybe it's time that you start taking your own advice.
- Set them free.
That's beautiful.
♪♪♪
Kristen: (reads) "who would've thought," asked penny,
"that you could catch a spider in its own web?"
The town cheered as penny dragged the creepy-crawly
Away from the tea party.
- Author's doing pretty good.
- I'll admit, when she's on, she's on.
- (reads) "the neighbourhood slept well that night,
Knowing the spiders were out of sight.
Pests don't rest, so neither will I!"
(audience applauds)
- I'm gonna get going.
- That's it?!
(audience murmurs)
- That was okay, right? - Sorry, kristen,
Aren't you reading from the next "penny" book now?
- I really meant to write the next book, I swear, it's just--
- Kristen, you're a professional author now
With a multiple book deal,
Which means you meet your deadlines.
Did you meet your deadline?
Or am I gonna have to make you pay back your advance?
- I'm sorry! I have nothing!
(sobs) - hey wait, kris-
(camera clicks, crowd murmurs)
- Holy shit, what's happening? - A pr crisis.
What's your plan?
- I... Am gonna go up there. - Yes, you are.
- Yes, I am.
(crowd chatters)
Hey, guys!
So look, uh, kristen had to run, as we uh (chuckle)
As we all saw.
Uh, she had to go help penny with her next pest.
- What's the next pest?
- Oh, you wanna know about that, do you?
Kids: Yeah! - Yeah.
- I can't heaaaar you! - (all stop, quiet)
- That's not a thing anymore? Okay.
Uh, the uh, the next pest...
Is...
Is a rat, a big, hairy rat.
Kids: Ewwww! - Just a rat?
- Of course, no, it's not just a rat.
Because this rat is... A girl.
And a rat.
You see, there was this girl, and she had a pet rat.
And everyone was like, ew!
Gross, get out of here with that thing.
Go back to the sewer! So she did.
And that night, there was a horrible storm.
And uh, and she was cuddling her little pet rat,
When lightning struck, and...
Fused them together.
Kids: Ewww! Gross! Aaah!
- Yeah, well, it's an origin story, folks.
And uh, who could possibly defeat rat girl?
There's only one girl up for the job.
Kids: Penny! - Penny, obviously.
Kate: That's right! Kids: (chanting) penny!
- "penny pest control book two: Revenge of the rat girl."
Maybe. And the penny pest control app,
You know, at some point.
Uh, lots of exciting stuff in the pipeline.
Thank you so much for coming, everyone.
(audience applauds) man: Question?
Is it more rat or more girl?
- Oh! Uh, uh, a q&a period.
Okay, uh, it's uh, it's about fifty-fifty.
Alright.
- Wait, does this rat go to school?
- Yeah, the rat goes to school.
It's uh, you gotta stay in school, everyone knows that.
So of course it goes to school. It's a tiny school,
It's got an eraser for a bed, alright?
Thank you very much!
- Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Uh, can it swim?
- Really, man?
(sloane and audience applaud)
A genius, or something?
Would you look at her work?
When did she do all this?
Hello?
- Oh, sorry, I'm just...
Putting the finishing touches on a job posting.
I have to sell 43 condos.
Coyne realty is expanding.
- What have you got so far? - Oh! Okay.
"are you quirky? Different?
A special person with a special light,
And also a licensed real estate agent?
Come out from the shadows, and join...
Frankie coyne realty."
- "come out from the shadows?!" - mm-hmm.
- What in the world kind of post is this?
- An inspirational one!
How lucky am I to have a chance to give opportunities to, to--
- Shadow people? - No!
To people sidelined, ignored! That's who I used to be.
My agency, my people. (laughs)
- I don't think you should post that.
- And... Posted.
Come on, shadow people!
Welcome to coyne realty!
Why don't we go around and introduce ourselves?
I'll start. I'm frankie, and this is my agency.
Uh, I love korean rice bowls,
And seeing the good in everyone.
I'm really excited to have you all aboard.
Please.
- Uh, I'm brody.
Uh, I've actually had a lot of trouble finding work
As a real estate agent.
But I'm not sure why, because I'm fuckin' awesome at it!
Um, it would just mean so much to me if I could help people
Find people their dream home. Let's go, baby!
- Amazing, okay, welcome.
Excellent.
Uh... Ahem.
- Um, I'm charlene.
Uh, it, I'm not sure why I even bothered to answer the ad.
Really, I'm so sorry. - What? No, no, no, no!
Wait, wait, I hired you!
- You're right. You're right.
That was a stupid thing to say.
Forget what I say before I even say it.
- Okay, well, we might need to work
On the old confidence there, charlene.
- I am ladislav. - Hello, ladislav.
- I never really sell a house properly.
I think on account of creak.
- Oh, I'm sorry, uh, creak?
- Yes, I have a... Creak in my bones.
(faint creaking)
Hmm?
I think maybe ghost.
- Spooky. - (chuckles)
- How could kristen bail like that?!
- Oh, don't even get me started.
Says her ideas come to her in her dreams.
- Well, I'm happy we covered for her until her next nap.
- Well, kristen can take a forever nap for all I care,
I'm just glad that I had you. - Hmm!
- I don't know how I can possibly thank you.
- Oh, hey, agreeing to meet my friend anne
Is more than enough.
- "running your own train." right. - Yeah.
- The book was actually very good.
- Yeah? - I'm happy to do it.
But just level with me, is she solid?
Because I can't take another kristen.
- Oh, you got nothing to worry about with anne.
There's nobody cooler.
Anne: (nervous exhale)
- So glad we're finally sitting down.
Anne, this is sloane. Sloane, this is anne.
Uh, sloane?
- So, I read the book. - Really?
Did you like it? It's okay if you didn't, you can pass.
You can just, just tell me right away,
Just lay it on me. - Breathe.
We wanna buy it.
- You wanna buy my book? You want, I'm a book seller?
I'm selling my book! Oh my gosh!
I'm sorry, I just never thought this was gonna happen!
I'm a book seller! Oh my god, fucking shit on my balls!
- Anne! (sloane laughs)
- The book works. It's insightful.
It is practical.
It's the right amount of controversial.
- Thank you. Wait, what? Controversial?
- Yeah, you know, telling parents they can phone it in.
- The book is about promoting smart decision-making
Through trust, not through "phoning it in."
Did you read the book?
- (laughs) excuse me?
- Okay, ah, let's just take a beat for a second.
Exciting moment, emotions are running high,
Plus I think she might be on antibiotics,
Just keep that in consideration.
- If you can't handle my little throwaway comment,
How can I trust you're gonna keep it together
When facing the public? - Who's facing the public?
I'm not facing any public, the book speaks for itself.
- Well, "parenting expert" is not an accredited degree.
These kinds of titles specifically require
Public appearances.
The only way you can prove that you're a leader in the field
Is through a press tour.
- Yeah, I'd be with you every step of the way.
- Sorry, this is just news to me.
- Well, the appearances are part of the deal,
And as you can see, it's a pretty good deal.
Page eight.
(pages rustle)
- Yeah?
- Fuckin' shit on my balls!
♪♪♪
Gena: Hey, how you doin'? - Bad!
- Whoa, never mind. Bye!
- I'm just dealing with a lot right now.
- I just, I got something in the microwave, so--
- Okay, fine, I'll tell you!
I just had to dump someone, because it turns out...
He's gay.
- He told you that? - Basically.
- Well, like, what'd he say? That he's not into girls?
- No, he is. He likes both.
He started talking about fluid, like, get a grip, dude.
- So you broke up with him?
- Well, yes! - Kinda homophobic, no?
- Excuse me?
- Well, if he's still into you it sounds like he's bi,
Or pansexual, not gay.
- Am I supposed to know what that is?
- Well, you're supposed to be open to learning about it
If you wanna date in the 20's.
- So I'm...
A homophobe?
♪♪♪
Val: I hope you've enjoyed your time in my care.
And you're both of legal age now, so have a little cake,
And then get out of my house.
(boys laugh)
- Totally. - Mom!
- What are you doing? - Taking anne's advice.
Which was to take my own advice.
I'm setting them free. - Hmm.
- I mean it, boys. Time to go.
- Go where? - Anywhere but here.
I've packed your suitcases, and they're by the door.
- Honey, maybe this is a little rushed.
- I'm ripping off a band-aid, they'll thank me for it.
- Where will we get money? - You'll get jobs.
- Why right now, though? It's almost nighttime.
- Yeah, and why are you in a silk robe?
- Because after you leave, mel and I are going
To celebrate your departure on every surface of this house.
And I can tell you that because you're adults now.
- That's so fucking gross!
- What are we supposed to eat, mom?!
Quick, dude, fill your belly! Fill your belly!
- What? Oh!
- What in god's name are you doing?
- We don't know the next time we're gonna eat, mom!
- Well, you're not bears!
You can't just store up for winter.
Boys, one more mouthful, and then out!
(boys sob)
(food crunches)
- (sighs) - (boys whimper)
Now.
- (sobs)
(door latch clicks)
(door slams)
- (happy exhale) we're free.
Joseph: Where are we supposed to take dumps?!
♪♪
- (laughs) it's okay! - Oh, it was--
- Um... Hi?
- Hi. I just wanted you to know that what you're doing is okay.
And I was wrong to be so grossed out.
Even though it just came naturally.
- Who is this? - I'm the other woman.
Or, I was. And I can be.
Because sexuality is actually a spectrum.
- Well, I'm glad that what we're doing is okay.
Anything else?
Because I thought you "dumped my gay ass."
- She said that to you? - That was before.
When I was homophobic. And for that, I'm sorry.
But I have done a ton of research today,
And I learned a lot.
The kinsey scale, marsha p. Johnson, ru paul's drag race.
- Ru paul's drag race?
- Oh, yes!
And while we're on the subject...
Who do you homos think is gonna be the next celebrity judge?
Oh, I'm sorry, am I not allowed to weigh in?
Like, who's homophobic now?
- This is like, weird, or something.
Kate: Here she goes! She... Signed it!
Come on, you bastard! - Ohhhh!
- You sold a book!
You're a motherfuckin' published author!
- Mmmm! - Anne!
- I sold a book! (both laugh)
I can't believe this is happening.
I've been dreaming about my book on display
In stores forever!
I can see the cover, and everything.
- What does it look like? - It's uh...
- Come on.
- It's alice and I...
Just like laughing our asses off
Like equals, you know?
On the other side of all that drama.
Black and white, on like, a blue background.
Helvetica font for the title.
- You've really thought this through.
- Do you think it's dumb? - No, I don't think it's dumb!
We're gonna get you that frickin' display.
But you might have to call lionel,
'cause you're gonna be here a little bit longer.
- A media tour. - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, man, I just wanted to write a book to help people,
I did not wanna be a brand.
- Brands are why people buy stuff, okay?
And look, the media tour is a couple weeks.
Your book though? Forever.
- What about you and me?
You think this is a good idea, us working together?
- Totally, totally.
- Kate. - What? Uh...
There's one thing. - Uh-huh?
- Like, if I had to pick something,
With a gun to my head. - Okay, yeah?
- You... You got a little bit of a temper.
Look, as your friend, it's a party,
You know what I mean, I love it.
But as your publicist...
It could be a problem.
- So it's not a good idea?
- It's just something you gotta keep an eye on.
But you can keep the genie in the bottle, right?
- Yes! Yep. - Well, then!
Cheers to you...
Totally fuckin' controlling your temper.
- I just need to know that you got my back.
- I have got your back so hard, that...
You know what? Gimme this. Watch.
- What are you doing?
(pen scratches) - huh? Who's that?
- This guy. - Anne carlson!
- Yes. - And, uh-oh!
Who's this? (pen scratches)
- It says, "fack." why would you write that?
- Kate's got your back, foster's got your front,
I'm on every side of you.
(both laugh)
I got both sides of you! - I get it, I get it.
- "what's fack mean?!" let's fackin' go!
- (laughs)
- You wrote a book!
- I wrote a book! - Awwwwwooo!