(Plays a tune on ukulele)
♪ Can you do the statue dance ♪
♪ The statue dance the statue dance ♪
♪ When I sing this song ♪
♪ You dance along ♪
♪ And when I stop ♪
♪ You freeze! ♪ - (Kids giggle)
- Everybody was very good, except for Forrest.
Forrest, you moved. Okay!
(Plays ukulele)
Kate: ♪ Oh Charlie, are you ready for camp? ♪
♪ Are you ready for camp? ♪
- Oh jeez, I'm trying to drive here. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I keep remembering,
and I get so pumped! - We're goin' to Banff, baby!
- Whaaat? We're gonna be on a mountaintop! - Let's get away, ditch these kids!
- Let's have sex, remember that whole thing? - Jeez. Yes, we need to do that.
(Val strums chords, kids giggle)
♪ Can you do the statue dance ♪
♪ The statue dance the statue dance ♪
♪ When I sing this song you dance along... ♪
♪ And when I stop you freeze! ♪
Kate: Did you make dinner reservations?
Nathan: Months ago, when I booked the trip.
And I also reserved plenty of time for... sandwich making.
- (Gasps)
Pass the baloney sandwich. - I'll get you the mortadella.
Right away. Mm! - Oh!
♪ When I sing this song you dance along ♪
♪ And when I stop you freeze! ♪
Beatrice, statues don't scratch.
♪♪♪
(Slow motion) Oh shit.
(Ominous thud, bell tolls)
(Slow motion) Liiiiiiice!
- What the fuck? - What the...
♪♪♪
Nathan: Kate, they said it's the worst outbreak
the camp has ever seen. - No, I mean,
this is pointless, he wasn't even there.
- We need a professional second opinion.
I'm calling the Lice Lady. She has a mobile delousing service.
- Eleanor: Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock!
- Hi, Mom.
- I brought the keys for the timeshare,
and can you keep your eyes peeled for a pair of handcuffs,
Barry seems to think he left them behind.
Hey, bud.
Oh, what are these?
What, are you auditioning for "Bitter Spinster, the Musical?"
- Excuse me, I am in Future Magazine's
"Top 40 Under 40" feature.
Kind of impressive, your daughter, huh?
- Do you have to pose nude? - What?! No!
- Oh. Well, you can't use these.
No one wants a severe-looking woman, Kate.
- Severe...
- Oh! I can't get through.
See you at the airport? - Can't wait.
- Muah! Oh, I'll text you the Lice Lady's number,
don't forget to call her. I gotta go to court. Bye!
Kate: Sure. - Lice? What? What lice?
- Yeah, that's why Charlie's camp was cancelled,
there was a lice outbreak there.
Shit, I gotta go.
- No, no, no! Where are you going?
You can't leave me here for the weekend like this!
- Oh please, I'm like, 75% sure he doesn't have it.
- 75%? Katie!
I just had my roots done! Gosh!
Kate: I love you, bye!
(Door slams)
(Ominous music)
Anne: Okay, so we shampoo her head with this.
And then we carefully comb her hair
in all directions with this, to remove the nits.
- Okay. What's a nit?
- Uh... (gags) they're eggs.
- Oh. Ugh. - You scratched your head!
- What? No, I didn't. - Yes, you did!
You have it! - No, I don't.
- Okay, that's it! Pick her up! Down to the basement.
Jayme, honey, you're gonna go downstairs with Daddy, okay?
Psssst!
- What are you doing?!
- You are under quarantine until you've been deloused.
Let me know when you're done the treatment,
I have work to do. And wash your clothes!
- Man, Mommy's crazy.
Frankie: I don't think we'll have any trouble
getting what we're asking for this.
Is there anything else I should know before we uh,
before we show it?
- I showed you the new water heater,
and then the repairs to the veranda,
I told you my wife died here,
and you saw the remodel of the carriage house.
- Your-your wife died here?
- Uh, yes.
Why, is that bad?
- No, I um--
- She wasn't murdered, or anything awful like that.
She died naturally when she slipped,
getting out of the tub, and...
hit her head on the floor.
- Oh my... that is awful.
I can't imagine what it would've been like
to have found her.
- The police found her. I was away at the time.
The neighbours reported it when they saw the raccoons
going in and out of the bathroom window.
- Raccoons?
- Yes. They were um...
feasting on-- - Ohhhh! Oh man, sorry.
- Look, the other real estate agents told me
you don't have to tell a buyer about a death
unless they ask. - Mm.
- But they always ask! - Mhmm.
- People are morbid.
- Leave it to me.
I'll find someone to love this house the way
you and your wife loved it for so many years.
Yeah.
- Here we have the master bathroom.
Lily: Oh! I've always wanted a soaker tub!
- You'd be liable to kill yourself gettin' out of that.
- (Laughs)
The vanity and all the fixtures are original to the home.
- Uh, there's a big crack in the floor.
- Someone must've smashed something pretty good.
- I know a great tile guy.
- Well, nice windows, lots of light.
Are those claw marks on the sill?
- They had a-- they had a cat.
Yeah, a big, big one. - Did it die?
- No, nobody died.
- You said they "had" a cat. - Oh, well, they still do.
You got a great view back there of the patio.
Oh gosh, can you imagine yourself down there,
flipping some burgers, hey, Dennis?
- He's a vegetarian.
- I don't eat anything with a face.
You know, it'd be great if we could chat
about the particulars of the house with the owners.
- Oh yeah, do you think they're the kind of people
who would be into that?
- Totally, they're great.
Just full of life, busy professionals with kids,
like yourselves, so, no harm in asking.
- Great!
(Cell phone buzzes)
- Hey, G.
Giselle: Rhoda has lice from dirty camp!
- What? Well, did you call the Lice Lady?
- She's completely booked. She laughed at me, Frankie!
Laughed!
- Okay, well, I'll do Rhoda myself.
- You know how?
- For sure, you grow up with a mane like mine,
you learn how to deal with a few mice in the rafters.
- Gross!
- Okay, see you soon.
(Eerie music) Oooh!
Kate: Oh! Maya, these are amazing!
- Thanks, I told Chris to come post-practice,
so his relaxation was more authentic.
- Honestly, I cannot believe you got Chris Gomes, Richard.
Craig is gonna flip over these shots!
- All I can see is girl hair!
Could you wear pigtails, or something?
- Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?!
- Maya, you nailed it.
We'll let you know our favourites
by the end of the week. - That works.
- Great, and you know what? Speaking of favourites...
which executive headshot should I use
for my "40 Under 40" interview? Maybe this one?
- Eww. - No.
- You don't really look like yourself.
- What do you mean? Oh, 'cause my mouth is closed.
Yeah, it's kind of an unnatural state for these lips.
- Oh yeah, they're not really regular up and down lips,
are they? They're more like flesh... drapes.
- Yeah, you know, I have a travel bag with a busted zipper
that reminds me of your smile.
- Thanks for the feedback guys, please leave.
- Okay, thank you.
- Hey, don't sweat the interview.
They just wanna sing your praises, trust me.
- Hmm.
Ah, maybe I should forgo using a pic,
just use an avatar, like, a bunny with a briefcase,
or something. - (Chuckles)
Just let me take your picture.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no! My makeup's not right.
And my outfit's not like, executive enough,
and my mouth is well...
well, it's forever weird.
- Your makeup is fine, your clothes are great,
and your mouth is beautiful.
- Thank you, but...
someone at a lipstick counter the other day
told me I was brave.
- Girl. - Wait, what? Oh!
- Gotcha!
- What do you mean, gotcha?
- That's what I'm talking about!
See? - Huh!
- Now we can take some pictures. - That's very relaxed.
- It was that easy. Let me just take a few more, alright?
- Okay, alright, yeah.
I'll do one where I close my mouth.
(Dishes clink)
(Door opens)
- Hey, this is Bobby.
We're just gonna hang out.
- Yeah, you should've asked me before you invited
a friend over, but...
but that's fine, that's cool.
(Alexa chimes)
Lionel: Anne, we're hungry.
Please feed the people under the stairs.
- Ah, Dad and Jayme have lice.
So I put them in the basement for now.
Just order a pizza!
- Let's go upstairs. - Hey!
You know, people think that squirrels aren't smart,
but they are, instinctually.
- Okay.
- My door is always open,
if you and Bobby ever be ready to...
find a nut. - Bobby's gay.
- Okay. That's great.
- Hm. - Yeah. Okay!
Guys, go have fun. Have a great time.
- So I thought we could do the interview in here,
a little less white noise.
- It certainly is very... white out there.
So in the past, the "40 Under 40" interviews
have focused on the success story.
- Hmm.
- I'm interested in how you send the elevator back down.
- Yeah, um, right.
Which-uh, which elevator?
- So you've achieved a certain top-floor status,
- Oh.
- and that floor is mostly occupied by men.
How do you plan to send the elevator back down,
to all of the women waiting for you at the bottom?
- Uh well, I contribute to several causes,
such as the East York Women's Health Centre.
(Phone buzzes) I've also...
donated some very nice pantsuits.
Um, I'm kidding about the pantsuits thing,
but I...
I have donated several,
which have been very nice.
- Yeah, so that's not really what we're talking about here.
(Ominous music) - Yeah.
- Shit.
- Sorry, is something bugging you?
- Bugging? Um, hmm? (Cell phone buzzes)
Would you excuse me for a second?
Excuse me.
(Clears throat)
Frankie! Thank God, hi.
- Kate! Yeah, uh, I need to ask you a favour.
- Oh my God, I would love to, but I'm in the middle
of a serious lice crisis here.
What's the deal with the Lice Lady?
- Well, she's overrated, and overbooked.
I treated Rhoda myself. You want me to treat Charlie?
- Yes, and-and when you're done with that, um...
would you please come to my office,
I think I gave it to everybody here.
- You gave it to the whole office?
- Please do not judge me right now.
- Okay, look, I'll do it,
but you gotta promise me something in return.
- Anything you want, okay?
I-I will smuggle heroin up my butt,
I will star in a lesbian porn. - What do you think my life is?
- I don't know, wacky? - (Laughs)
Okay look, I'll be right over. - I love you, goodbye.
♪♪♪
(Doorbell rings)
Anne! Pizza's here!
(Doorbell rings)
- Uh, pizza, hang on, I gotta get pants!
(Door creaks)
- Hello?
- Wet pants. My pants are wet. Hang on!
- The door is open, I'm letting myself in!
(Door clicks shut)
- Uh...
you're not pizza.
- Good God! What's going on here?
Where's my son?
Bobby! Bobby! - Anne?
Anne: I'm coming! - Mom?
What the hell?!
- I told you, you are not to hang out with Alice Carlson,
and here you are at her house?!
- What is going on?
- I don't approve of my son spending time with girls
who have a reputation like your daughter.
- Mom, you're a psycho! Go back to the fabric store!
- Reputation?
- Well, I'm not surprised you're the last to know.
- Well, hang on, what reputation? I'm comin' out!
- No! Hey! Ah! Don't move!
What are you talking about?
- "All Aboard Alice." - What?!
- "All Aboard Alice!"
Your daughter's making her way through all the boys,
and my son is not going to be one of them.
- Alice, what is she--
Alice! Alice!
- No, you don't!
- Lady, what is your problem? He's gay!
- What? - Shit!
- Oh, don't pretend like I didn't tell you!
- You just say that to be saucy.
He just says that to be saucy.
- (Knocking) Alice?
Alice honey, come on.
Alice: Please, Mom! Just leave me alone!
- Okay.
Um, you know-you know where to find me.
(Knocking)
- Hello?
Large Mediterranean?
- Hi. - Hello.
Oh, sorry.
- Hang on a sec, I'll get--
Do you wanna come down for the money, or?
- No. - Okay.
(Ominous music)
- Oh God. Eee!
- You are the only thing keeping them
from killing me right now.
- There she is, the one with the cure!
- No, no, no, do me first! - Oh boy.
- Oh God, come on, hey! Richard, calm down!
- Fuck you, and your dirty kid!
Okay?! This would never have happened at Gaze!
- Please! I have the most beautiful hair
of anyone here. It's true, right?
Just touch it!
It's all I have, please! - Just stop, Rosie.
I have a thick thatch of chest hair
that's basically a lice superhighway to my crotch!
- Enough!
I have shampoo for you all!
In my office, let's go.
Anyone with lice, follow me, let's go!
Get in there, you maniacs.
(Door clicks)
- Holy shit, it worked.
- Can I come in? - Yeah.
Yeah, of course.
- I kissed Chris Casey at that stupid party
I threw at Kate's office. (Sighs)
- Okay.
- Then I got drunk.
- Yeah, I remember.
- And then I thought I kissed Chris again.
But it wasn't Chris.
It was Steven.
He-he kinda looked like Chris in the dark.
But...
when I kissed Steven, he--
- What honey, what happened?
- He orgasmed.
- What? How-how do you know that that's what happened?
- Well, he made this really gross noise,
and then he got all mad 'cause his pants were messed up.
- (Sighs)
- And then Steven told everybody we had sex
after I kissed Chris.
So Chris started saying
they were "running a train" on me. (Sighs)
And... I hate my life.
- Oh honey, come here. Come here.
It's okay. I'm sorry that happened to you.
- I rinsed, so I'm gonna go.
- Ah, is the-is the interview over?
Because I feel like we didn't cover that much.
- No, I-I got your bio. I'll pull something together.
It was nice to meet you. - Oh, okay, it's just, um...
- Foster! Pack your bags. - Oh!
- I talked to Tru Air.
Apparently four hours of squash
with a guy that puts the word "bored"
in board member paid off.
They want to see us in New York this weekend.
- What? - Yeah, I know.
Bit of a miracle considering the colossal trash fire
you let that ass-hat Bolinski toss them in.
- Holy shit. Thank you.
But is there any way we can go on Monday?
I can't-- - You can't what?
Win back your biggest client? Save your business?
Afford my salary?
- You are very expensive, but apparently worth it.
I'm in. - Thanks, boss.
Well, the first time I said that out loud.
How the tables have turned, eh?
Your ah, boarding pass is in your inbox.
- Thank you.
- You used to work for him, and now you're his boss?
- Uh, yeah.
- Okay, that's a story I wanna cover.
- Okay, hold on, so you do wanna keep doing the interview?
Because like, I'm gonna be real with you,
I was really excited to do this piece, but I...
you realize I didn't build the glass ceiling, right?
- I know, I'm sorry.
I just, I know so many capable women that can't even
get into the lobby of a place like this.
- And I wanna send the elevator down for them.
But as you can see, I'm spending most of my time
just trying to climb up the shaft.
Don't-- don't actually write that part down.
- You know, what do you say we give this another shot?
- Alright, come on. Hey, and while we're at it, maybe you could just drop the whole lice thing,
'cause that's not interesting. - Not a chance.
- Okay.
(Glove snaps) - Ah!
- Thank you for saving my ass.
(Beers open, hiss)
- Cheers. - Cheers.
- Mm! Now it's your turn. - Mm. Mhmm.
- I need you and Nathan to help me stage a house
in the Annex after work. - What, tonight?
- Mhmm.
- Oh dude, I would love to, but ugh, I-I gotta tell Nathan
that I have to cancel our trip tonight.
- What? What happened to, I scratch your back,
and you scratch mine?
Look, I am so close to closing.
I just need like, a normal... not dead, not old,
couple to help me seal the deal with these buyers.
Please? Please? Please?
Kate: So this is uh, this is my house.
- These days, everyone is all about this open concept thing,
but you know what, I like rooms.
- Ugh. Agreed. I like a room, too.
A bedroom, a bathroom, a... a great hall.
(Dennis and Lily laugh)
- Does this fireplace work?
- Uh... - Hmm...
- totally, yeah, yeah, we use it all the time.
Really heats up the space.
- Nathan built it by hand.
- Ah. - (Laughs)
- Well, there's lots of schools in this neighbourhood,
uh, which one do your kids go to?
- Our kids? - Yeah, they-they go to um...
- The one on the corner.
- Oh, the French one?
- Oui. - Bonjour.
- Oh yeah, okay, great. Thank you so much you, guys,
why don't you show them upstairs, and uh...
- Right, yes, yes, yes, just right this way.
- Where the bedrooms are! - Yeah, bedrooms.
- In fact, you know what, guys, why don't you get started without us, we'll be right up. - Okay.
- Have a nice little... tour. - Enjoy!
- We gotta wrap it up, or we're gonna miss our plane.
- About that, um,
how do you feel about not-not going?
- What?
- Don't be upset, but I had to cancel our trip.
Dennis: How do you find the attic?
- What?! - How do you find the attic?
- Look for the hole.
Please don't be mad. I'm so sorry.
- Why?
- I have to go to New York tomorrow.
Dennis: Found it! - New York?
- Yeah, it's kinda great, actually, Tru Air wants
to have a meeting, and I think I can actually salvage this. I can get them back. - Are you serious right now?
Lily: Are these windows double-glazed?
- All the glaze you can get!
- Can we fight about this later? - No! We agreed to start over, and now you're already sabotaging our relationship!
- I'm sorry we can't have sex at 30,000 feet.
- Hey, that small door in the guest house,
is that a crawlspace? - I don't fuckin' know!
- We'll be right up.
- This isn't just about sex.
It's about intimacy, and being friends,
and working on this.
- And all that matters to me, okay? But my work is not just my job.
- I am well aware that your job is everything.
- It is putting a roof over your parents!
- It's putting a roof over Richard,
and burying us in debt! - If I didn't hire him,
my business would sink, and you of all...
you should just be amazingly grateful that I am willing
to contribute to their house, after you--
- After I slept with Mean Nanny. Right on time!
- I'm so sorry. - How hard do I have to work?
How hard do I have to try, to redeem myself?
- You are so fucking dramatic, you know that?
Thank God we are in a Victorian house, because I do believe I need a fainting couch!
- Go to hell! - I am already there!
- Grr! How do I open this door?!
- Oh God, just-- how does the door handle work?
- Knob to the left. - To the left, Nathan.
- Weird house!
(Door slams)
- Fuck!
- Sorry, Frank.
- (Door slams) - (Sighs)