1 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,224 Welcome to the University of lthaca. This is it right here. 2 00:00:59,351 --> 00:01:02,770 I'll give you a good tour today. Show you as much as you need to know. 3 00:01:02,855 --> 00:01:04,814 Plus a whole lot more, actually. 4 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:09,235 This is the main area of the university. You'll be getting used to this area. 5 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:13,156 This is sort of where you'd congregate with your friends and classmates. 6 00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:15,324 Come in around me, everyone. 7 00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:16,701 Keep close. Don't straggle. 8 00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:19,537 I've had problems with stragglers before, okay? 9 00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:21,581 They get lost in the back. They get hit by trucks. 10 00:01:21,665 --> 00:01:22,874 Okay? It's not pretty. 11 00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:24,959 It's not pretty when it happens. 12 00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:30,673 This is, by the way, the Joseph H. Nelson Memorial Library here, okay? 13 00:01:30,841 --> 00:01:35,303 It was built in the 1600s. 14 00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:37,013 1600s? 15 00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:39,515 It says 1951. 16 00:01:45,481 --> 00:01:49,192 That's the address. Okay? Wise-ass. 17 00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:50,818 That's the psychology department. 18 00:01:50,986 --> 00:01:53,237 Each semester, you'll be expected to volunteer 19 00:01:53,322 --> 00:01:55,865 for some experimental testing. 20 00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:58,159 Kind of cool. 21 00:01:58,702 --> 00:02:03,206 When it's your turn, remember to wear loose clothes, no metal, 22 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:08,044 and be prepared to receive several heavy doses of electric current. 23 00:02:10,881 --> 00:02:13,090 They're watching us right now. 24 00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:17,136 Over there is the department of English. 25 00:02:17,221 --> 00:02:20,890 I see most of you speak English already, so we can skip that one. 26 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:23,726 How long have you been going to school here? 27 00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:24,811 Eight years. 28 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,816 You don't seem to know anything about it here. 29 00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:31,651 This is the worst tour ever. 30 00:02:31,902 --> 00:02:33,277 This is the worst school ever. 31 00:02:33,362 --> 00:02:35,696 I mean, doesn't anything cool ever happen here? 32 00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:37,240 Yeah, cool stuff happens here. 33 00:02:37,407 --> 00:02:41,202 This University of lthaca is the coolest place in the world. 34 00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:44,413 That's because he's probably never been anywhere else. 35 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:50,753 Go ahead, laugh. Laugh all you want. 36 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,421 But the fact of the matter is, 37 00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:56,801 this is the setting for the greatest story ever told. Okay? 38 00:02:58,428 --> 00:03:01,931 It's about this guy I knew, Josh Parker, 39 00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:04,725 and his girlfriend, Tiffany. 40 00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,770 And it's one of the most fascinating journeys ever. 41 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:14,986 Josh and Tiffany were always together from when they were really little. 42 00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:19,031 They did everything as a team. 43 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,119 Once when Tiffany was ten years old, she had her tonsils taken out. 44 00:03:23,287 --> 00:03:26,622 Josh stayed in the hospital for three straight days. 45 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,791 They were best friends. 46 00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:31,127 And eventually what started out as friendship 47 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:36,632 blossomed into some serious French kissing and lots of heavy petting. 48 00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:40,970 They spent so much time together that even their dogs started dating. 49 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:45,474 They seemed destined to be together forever. 50 00:03:46,977 --> 00:03:51,814 But after high school, they faced their most challenging challenge ever, 51 00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:55,318 a long-distance relationship. 52 00:03:57,988 --> 00:04:02,491 See, while Josh was enrolled here at the wonderful University of lthaca, 53 00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:06,913 Tiffany went off to veterinary school in Austin, Texas. 54 00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:10,750 But they made a pact, a promise to stay true to each other, 55 00:04:11,168 --> 00:04:15,254 to talk every day and maintain an exclusive relationship. 56 00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:20,426 But that turned out to be more difficult than either of them had ever imagined. 57 00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:24,013 Tiffany. 58 00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:25,723 - Hey, baby. - Oh, my God. 59 00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:30,519 You were amazing last night. I never ever came like that before. 60 00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:32,188 - Come on. - Seriously. 61 00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:35,358 I had to take two birth control pills this morning. 62 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,526 You want to help me study again tonight? 63 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,862 Forget tonight. Come over now. 64 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,281 Let's blow this class off. 65 00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:16,065 Tiffany and Carla can't come to the phone right now. 66 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,401 Leave a message. 67 00:05:19,236 --> 00:05:23,072 Tif, it's me again. Just wondering where you are. 68 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,700 Still trying to get ahold of you. Everything's cool, though. 69 00:05:25,909 --> 00:05:29,412 And I'm sure I'll catch you later. But call me back, okay? 70 00:05:29,579 --> 00:05:31,580 Okay. Bye. 71 00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:41,090 I just wanted to add something before I sent this video off. 72 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,592 I haven't talked to you in a few days, 73 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,970 and I'm starting to think you don't like me anymore. 74 00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:47,138 No, I'm kidding. 75 00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:48,431 Hey, guys. 76 00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:52,393 But I am getting a little worried, so call when you can, okay? 77 00:05:52,602 --> 00:05:55,229 All right. Barry says hi. 78 00:05:55,439 --> 00:05:58,190 So give me a call as soon as you can, okay? I miss you. 79 00:05:58,442 --> 00:06:00,943 Call me, okay? Bye. 80 00:06:04,448 --> 00:06:06,532 - What's up, guys? - Not much. 81 00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:07,783 - You? - Nothing. 82 00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,785 I was just finishing my tape to Tiffany. 83 00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:13,456 Hey, Mitch. What are you doing? Are you hungry? 84 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,379 Are you going to feed him? 85 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,465 No, I'm checking the temperature inside of his cage. 86 00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:26,635 Mitch needs an evenly distributed 85 degrees to survive. 87 00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:30,931 Can I drop a mouse in? 88 00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:33,642 Sorry, Mitch only eats once a week, on Saturdays. 89 00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:37,146 Maybe we could cut a mouse in half 90 00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:40,816 and we could feed him half now and the other half on Saturday. 91 00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:42,151 I don't think so. 92 00:06:43,153 --> 00:06:44,487 I thought you had class now. 93 00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:48,657 What time is it? Oh, shit. Can you do me a favor? 94 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,910 When this is done rewinding, will you drop it in the mail for me? 95 00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:53,329 - No problem. Just leave it there. - Thanks, man. 96 00:06:54,498 --> 00:06:55,998 I'll see you guys later? 97 00:06:58,502 --> 00:07:00,795 Can we please feed him now? 98 00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:02,922 If you overfeed him, he could die. 99 00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:04,340 So? 100 00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:05,549 It'll be worth it. 101 00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:09,261 Josh. 102 00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:10,513 Beth. 103 00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:13,307 - What's going on? - Not much. 104 00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:15,351 - Where have you been? - Nowhere. 105 00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:18,938 Studying a lot. I'm starting to question this whole college thing. 106 00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:21,524 No one told me there was going to be this much reading involved. 107 00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:26,987 - You going to E.L.'s tonight? - Yeah, I'll be there. 108 00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:29,031 I got to run. My class started five minutes ago. 109 00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:30,199 Okay, go, then. 110 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:31,534 I'll see you tonight. 111 00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:34,370 Yeah. Sorry. Tonight. 112 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:42,503 So you have a thing for that guy now, is that it? 113 00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:44,171 It's none of your business, Jacob. 114 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:46,382 I can just tell you like him, that's all. 115 00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:49,343 - I'm not having this conversation again. - What conversation? 116 00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:53,305 You need to stop all this, okay? You and I, we're not a couple. 117 00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:56,142 We've never been a couple, and we will never be one. 118 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,979 Now, this week I'd like you to think 119 00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:05,067 about Plato's dialogues of the middle years. 120 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:09,029 The Republic, Phaedo, Symposium. 121 00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:12,408 Now, this will all be on next week's midterm 122 00:08:12,576 --> 00:08:15,911 so I suggest you read up on it. 123 00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:20,249 Jacob, do you have anything to add? 124 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:26,922 Just a reminder. The midterm will cover all of the in-class lectures 125 00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:30,759 as well as all of the assigned readings. 126 00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:34,346 It will be entirely essay form, so bring legal pads. 127 00:08:34,598 --> 00:08:35,598 I prefer yellow. 128 00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:37,766 It's easier on the eyes. 129 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:46,358 Thank you, Jacob. And see you all next week for the midterm. 130 00:08:54,618 --> 00:08:56,619 I saw you hitting on Beth. 131 00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:59,872 Not a good idea. She's spoken for. 132 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,040 What? 133 00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:04,293 She'll come back to me. They always do. 134 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,963 So, Mr. Parker. 135 00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:10,716 Do you intend to be ready for this exam? 136 00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:12,218 Yes, sir. 137 00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:14,637 Well, you better be ready 138 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,139 because I was looking over the books last night 139 00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:21,143 and you need a B on this test just to pass this class. 140 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:24,480 Actually, I double-checked that, professor. He needs a B plus. 141 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:28,692 - We won't be able to bend on this. - Yeah. I got it. 142 00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:31,820 - Just copy off someone. - I can't. 143 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:35,658 It's all essays and stuff. If I fail this class, my average is shot. 144 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,409 I might lose my financial aid. 145 00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:39,495 I could not be allowed back next semester. 146 00:09:39,663 --> 00:09:40,996 Well, you're fucked, then. 147 00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:45,334 Come to my party, hook up with Beth and enjoy your last week at college. 148 00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:48,837 I'm not hooking up with anyone. I made a commitment to Tiffany. 149 00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:50,798 I'm invested in this relationship. 150 00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:53,467 Invested? Who are you, Charles Schwab? 151 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:54,843 Would you listen to yourself? 152 00:09:55,011 --> 00:10:00,516 I would give my life for one evening of consensual sex with that girl. 153 00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:03,352 Look, I've gone this long without cheating. I think I can hold out. 154 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,020 You're already cheating. 155 00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:07,856 Any time you pass up sex, you're cheating on yourself. 156 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:10,109 Think about it, Josh. You're in college. 157 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:13,862 The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of girls 158 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,614 is getting smaller by the day. 159 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:18,784 I got to make a call. 160 00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:23,122 You pass this up, it'll haunt you for the rest of your days. 161 00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:25,374 Your dick will never forgive you. 162 00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:28,961 What do you think, little man? 163 00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:31,213 Don't you want to experience something new? 164 00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:34,550 It ain't easy being Josh's penis. 165 00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:37,678 We've been here over two months, and I feel like I'm in a coma. 166 00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:39,179 Stop it. 167 00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:42,057 I wish I was your dick, E.L., because this is torture. 168 00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:45,060 If something doesn't happen soon, I'll pack up my balls and leave. 169 00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:46,895 Enough. 170 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:48,689 Carla, hi. It's Josh. 171 00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:50,858 I'm sorry to bother you again. Is Tiffany around? 172 00:10:51,026 --> 00:10:53,068 Tiffany is not here. 173 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,155 She didn't sleep here last night again 174 00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:59,033 and it would be great if one hour went by 175 00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:00,743 when you didn't call. 176 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,911 If she wanted to talk to you 177 00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,747 she'd call you. 178 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,582 Deal with it. 179 00:11:09,419 --> 00:11:12,504 - What a bitch! - Does she sound hot? 180 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,176 We've never gone this long without talking. 181 00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:19,053 Something is wrong. 182 00:11:19,262 --> 00:11:22,014 Yeah, she found someone else, just like you should do. 183 00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:23,682 The clock is ticking, my man. 184 00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:27,269 Before you know it, you'll be 40 and having to pay for these kind of girls. 185 00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:08,811 I should really warn you, it's been known 186 00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:13,482 to affect your decision-making abilities and lower your inhibitions. 187 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,568 Good, that's the plan. 188 00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:19,822 It is. Yes, that is the plan. 189 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,949 - Did you bring some cash? - Why? 190 00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:24,493 - We've got chicks for sale. - What? 191 00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,831 Hey, now I'm snappy Got my mojo track 192 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:32,000 Trust me. I've been going to this school for seven years. 193 00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:36,630 And I know the key to a well-rounded college education 194 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:39,925 is experimentation. 195 00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:41,844 Here, let me show you. 196 00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:45,514 This is an auction. Now, remember. 197 00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:48,183 You're not buying the girl. 198 00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:49,685 You are buying her company. 199 00:12:49,853 --> 00:12:52,521 And in no way does a sale constitute sexual relations. 200 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,357 I know. I know, believe me, I've tried. 201 00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,359 So anyway, without further ado, 202 00:12:57,527 --> 00:13:02,364 let's introduce you to our first person. Laura! 203 00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:06,535 Laura's from Long Island. Her favorite color is blue. 204 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:09,037 She likes the outdoors and she loves good seafood. 205 00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:11,290 Okay, let's start the opening bidding at five dollars. 206 00:13:11,541 --> 00:13:13,125 Three dollars and fifty cents. 207 00:13:13,877 --> 00:13:17,212 Good God, moneybags, she's not a Happy Meal. 208 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,548 - Five dollars. - Okay, we've got five. 209 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,550 - Do I hear ten? - Ten bucks. 210 00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:26,722 Who's got 15? Fifteen bucks for a lovely evening with Laura. 211 00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:28,307 Fifteen dollars. 212 00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:31,059 Okay, we got 15. Who can beat 15? Going once. 213 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:32,478 Going twice. 214 00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:35,731 Sold to the captain. 215 00:13:39,903 --> 00:13:41,403 There you are. 216 00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:43,989 - What's going on? - Oh, not much. 217 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,074 - You look great. - Oh, thank you. 218 00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:47,576 You're welcome. 219 00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:51,580 Listen, Jacob's here, and he's a total psycho. 220 00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:53,916 Can you go outbid him? 221 00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:57,753 You know what? I didn't bring that much money with me. 222 00:13:57,921 --> 00:14:00,172 Oh, no. You don't understand. He's obsessed with me. 223 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:05,260 See? It's fun, right? 224 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:11,058 Now, I want you two to kiss each other. 225 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:14,436 All right, has anyone seen Beth? There she is. 226 00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:18,190 Say hi, Beth. 227 00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:24,112 Can I hear a $5 opening bid for the beautiful Beth Wagner? 228 00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,906 Five dollars right here. 229 00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,115 - Who can beat five? - Six. 230 00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:28,450 - Seven. - Seven, here we go. 231 00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:29,952 Ten dollars. 232 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:31,912 Going once, going twice... 233 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,413 Fifteen dollars. 234 00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:34,915 Twenty. 235 00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:36,375 Twenty-five. 236 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:40,963 Who could beat 25? Going once. Going twice... 237 00:14:41,631 --> 00:14:43,590 Twenty-six. 238 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,717 - Twenty-six going once. - Thirty. 239 00:14:45,969 --> 00:14:48,428 Okay, can anyone beat 26 dollars? 240 00:14:48,638 --> 00:14:50,097 I just said 30. 241 00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:51,807 There must be someone who can beat $26. 242 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:52,975 Me! Right here! 243 00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:57,312 Sold, to my man Josh for $26. 244 00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:06,321 You heard me. I bid $30 loud and clear. 245 00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:08,615 - Your bid didn't count. - Why? 246 00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:10,659 - Because you're a TA. - So? 247 00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,661 So this auction is for students only. 248 00:15:12,996 --> 00:15:14,329 Goodbye. 249 00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:28,510 Thanks for doing that. I owe you one. 250 00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:30,470 You owe me more than one. 251 00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:31,805 Do I? 252 00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:33,515 Technically. 253 00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:36,101 Well, 254 00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:38,854 are you ready to collect? 255 00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,189 I think so. 256 00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:48,030 We're touching. 257 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,700 It's a lot of fun. 258 00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:56,288 We're having a good time. 259 00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:23,649 Who's Tiffany Henderson? 260 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,818 It's just some girl I used to date since I was, like, five. 261 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:30,989 But that's over now. She blew me off. 262 00:16:32,033 --> 00:16:33,075 Oh, poor baby. 263 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,662 You must be very hurt. 264 00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:40,415 Do you need some special attention? 265 00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:44,294 Well, I am pretty upset. 266 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,430 Did that help? 267 00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:57,641 That helped a lot. 268 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,026 I have an idea. 269 00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:13,240 What do you say? 270 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,701 I don't think so. 271 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:17,869 Come on. It'll be fun. 272 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:20,122 I've always wanted to try this. 273 00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:21,540 No. 274 00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:23,208 Yes. 275 00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:25,711 I'm going to interview you. 276 00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,174 Fine. 277 00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:34,970 There you go. 278 00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,478 What do you look for in a girl? 279 00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,858 Well, let's see. 280 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,068 She should be smart 281 00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:52,904 and funny and... 282 00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,952 That's good, too. 283 00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:02,539 Do you feel better yet? 284 00:18:03,666 --> 00:18:06,334 I feel a little bit better. Yeah, a little. 285 00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:10,422 What else do you look for? 286 00:18:10,631 --> 00:18:14,176 She should be attractive 287 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,429 and nice 288 00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:24,269 and topless. And topless. 289 00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,065 And she should kiss me. 290 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,451 What else? 291 00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:44,998 She shouldn't stop kissing me. Why don't you keep doing that? 292 00:18:58,304 --> 00:19:01,848 Tiny salmon swimming in a stream 293 00:19:04,519 --> 00:19:09,481 Tiny salmon chasing that impossible dream 294 00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:13,902 The mynah bird says 295 00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:21,159 The chimpanzee says 296 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:28,208 The friendly owl says 297 00:19:32,255 --> 00:19:35,173 But the salmon can only say 298 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,810 And it's sad 299 00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:53,108 Good morning, everyone 300 00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:59,698 Good morning, everyone How are you and you and you? 301 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,826 What are you so happy about? 302 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:06,371 I don't know. Do I seem happy this morning? 303 00:20:06,581 --> 00:20:09,583 Well, you're bouncing around here like you're Richard fucking Simmons. 304 00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:12,377 You do seem unusually lighthearted today, Josh. 305 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,381 Maybe it's because I had the best time of my life last night, 306 00:20:16,799 --> 00:20:19,551 twice and once this morning. 307 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,095 You and Beth? 308 00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,723 Shut up. What happened? 309 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,392 No way. You're lying. 310 00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:28,852 I'm not lying. 311 00:20:29,020 --> 00:20:32,147 You can't make out with someone then pretend that you had sex with them. 312 00:20:32,315 --> 00:20:34,566 That's really, really uncool. 313 00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:36,234 - I'm not pretending. - Forget it! 314 00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:39,696 I know you're lying. I guarantee he's lying. 315 00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:42,157 You want to bet? 316 00:20:42,617 --> 00:20:44,784 Great. I'm going to bet money on something you can't prove. 317 00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:55,295 You videotaped it. 318 00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:58,757 No, I didn't. Give me that. 319 00:20:58,966 --> 00:21:01,426 - No way. This is amazing. - I was kidding. Give it back to me. 320 00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:05,931 - Give me the tape. - Come on, Josh. 321 00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:07,849 We're all going to see it sooner or later. 322 00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:10,101 He's got a point. 323 00:21:11,437 --> 00:21:13,897 Oh, no. Oh, no! 324 00:21:14,899 --> 00:21:16,358 Give it to me. No, give it to me. 325 00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:18,068 E.L., no. 326 00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:20,987 Josh, please. We need this. 327 00:21:23,908 --> 00:21:26,952 Okay, listen. Seriously, you can never tell anyone you saw this. 328 00:21:36,462 --> 00:21:39,798 Hit the lights. It's boner time. 329 00:21:51,185 --> 00:21:54,521 Hey, Tif. It's me coming to you live from Ithaca, New York. 330 00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:58,483 - I thought I asked you to mail this. - But I miss you. 331 00:21:58,693 --> 00:22:00,485 Yeah, you did. I mailed it this morning. 332 00:22:01,028 --> 00:22:03,154 Barry, fast-forward to the horny stuff. 333 00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:08,702 I got a girl 334 00:22:08,911 --> 00:22:11,079 Is this the kind of shit you've been sending Tiffany? 335 00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:13,206 Named Tiffany 336 00:22:14,250 --> 00:22:15,583 That's you. 337 00:22:15,918 --> 00:22:17,585 Oh, fuck! 338 00:22:17,837 --> 00:22:19,587 - What's wrong? - Oh, God. 339 00:22:20,756 --> 00:22:22,382 Oh, God, where is it? 340 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:27,387 Wait a second. 341 00:22:29,015 --> 00:22:31,599 Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany. 342 00:22:34,228 --> 00:22:36,521 - Yes! - Shit! 343 00:22:36,731 --> 00:22:39,315 Oh, no. Oh, no. 344 00:22:39,525 --> 00:22:40,525 What? 345 00:22:41,277 --> 00:22:42,610 Did you make a copy? 346 00:22:44,113 --> 00:22:46,406 Because if you made a copy, we could watch the copy. 347 00:22:47,992 --> 00:22:49,367 Don't answer it. 348 00:22:51,746 --> 00:22:54,414 It's Josh and Rubin. Leave a message. 349 00:22:55,249 --> 00:22:57,500 Hi, Josh. It's Tiffany. 350 00:22:57,710 --> 00:22:59,919 Sorry we haven't spoken. 351 00:23:00,129 --> 00:23:02,547 Listen, my grandfather passed away. 352 00:23:03,090 --> 00:23:06,551 I've tried calling you a few times but no one picked up 353 00:23:06,761 --> 00:23:09,721 and I didn't want to leave this message on your machine. 354 00:23:09,972 --> 00:23:14,017 But by now you're probably a little worried, so... 355 00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:17,103 Anyway, I'm at my parents' house helping my mom out. 356 00:23:17,313 --> 00:23:19,064 She's really a wreck. 357 00:23:19,273 --> 00:23:20,482 If I don't speak with you, 358 00:23:20,566 --> 00:23:22,233 I'll call you Monday when I'm back at school. 359 00:23:22,943 --> 00:23:25,862 I'll be okay, I just need some time. 360 00:23:26,238 --> 00:23:27,947 Bye. I love you. 361 00:23:30,951 --> 00:23:32,327 That's not fair. 362 00:23:33,829 --> 00:23:36,331 How come she gets to see the tape and we don't? 363 00:23:38,167 --> 00:23:40,794 She gets back there Monday. That leaves me three days to get there. 364 00:23:41,212 --> 00:23:43,630 Get where? Austin? 365 00:23:43,714 --> 00:23:45,548 That's like 10,000 miles from here. 366 00:23:45,633 --> 00:23:46,883 Eighteen hundred. 367 00:23:46,967 --> 00:23:50,428 You want to drive 1,800 miles in three days? 368 00:23:50,513 --> 00:23:51,679 Just fly. 369 00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:53,932 Do you have money for a ticket? I don't. 370 00:23:54,892 --> 00:23:56,643 All right, so we're driving. 371 00:23:56,727 --> 00:23:58,436 You're coming? 372 00:23:58,687 --> 00:24:01,272 What else am I going to do? Stay here and learn? 373 00:24:01,607 --> 00:24:03,191 Road trip. 374 00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:06,778 Just a minute. 375 00:24:07,613 --> 00:24:08,988 Hold on. 376 00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:11,116 He's probably jacking off. 377 00:24:24,421 --> 00:24:26,297 What do you guys want? 378 00:24:26,382 --> 00:24:28,007 Kyle, this is an emergency. 379 00:24:28,217 --> 00:24:30,426 Wait, let me at least go back and call my dad. 380 00:24:31,846 --> 00:24:33,471 Call your dad? 381 00:24:34,348 --> 00:24:35,682 Would you listen to yourself? 382 00:24:35,766 --> 00:24:38,560 You're 19 years old and you're a fucking sissy. 383 00:24:38,727 --> 00:24:40,436 All you ever do is sit in a library 384 00:24:40,521 --> 00:24:42,647 and play Myst with those exchange students. 385 00:24:43,065 --> 00:24:44,107 It's pathetic. 386 00:24:44,191 --> 00:24:45,692 No. What he's trying to say is, 387 00:24:45,776 --> 00:24:48,319 this is your chance to do something for once. 388 00:24:48,445 --> 00:24:49,571 Be a risk-taker. 389 00:24:50,573 --> 00:24:51,573 Come with us. 390 00:24:53,909 --> 00:24:56,286 You guys are just saying that because you want my car. 391 00:24:57,288 --> 00:25:00,498 No, we've always liked you. 392 00:25:00,666 --> 00:25:02,625 Or you can just give us the car, Kyle. 393 00:25:03,043 --> 00:25:04,419 That would make him a risk-taker, right? 394 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,337 Shut up, all right? 395 00:25:06,422 --> 00:25:07,755 He's coming with us. 396 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:10,592 Come on, Kyle. It'll be fun. 397 00:25:12,469 --> 00:25:14,470 Aren't you even curious where we're going? 398 00:25:16,891 --> 00:25:18,308 No. 399 00:25:19,101 --> 00:25:20,768 Okay, we're going to the University of Austin. 400 00:25:20,853 --> 00:25:22,395 You sure you don't want to come with us? 401 00:25:23,272 --> 00:25:24,939 I never really liked Massachusetts. 402 00:25:26,108 --> 00:25:27,817 Austin's in Texas, not Massachusetts. 403 00:25:27,902 --> 00:25:29,485 I think you're thinking of Boston. 404 00:25:30,237 --> 00:25:32,280 You've never left this town, have you? 405 00:25:32,364 --> 00:25:33,781 No. Not really. 406 00:25:34,950 --> 00:25:35,950 You should look into that. 407 00:25:36,035 --> 00:25:37,785 That could turn into a debilitating phobia. 408 00:25:37,953 --> 00:25:39,245 Yeah, okay, I'll do that. 409 00:25:42,541 --> 00:25:44,042 Hey, can I feed Mitch? 410 00:25:44,126 --> 00:25:46,461 Actually, you can. But not till tomorrow. 411 00:25:46,545 --> 00:25:48,463 There's a brown box full of mice next to his cage. 412 00:25:48,631 --> 00:25:49,672 Give him one tomorrow. 413 00:25:49,757 --> 00:25:51,549 And no messing around, Barry, okay? Just one. 414 00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:53,092 Yeah, I'll feed him a mouse tomorrow, okay? 415 00:25:53,177 --> 00:25:54,886 - Okay. - Yeah. You can count on me. 416 00:25:55,179 --> 00:25:57,555 Okay? I'm reliable. Okay? 417 00:25:57,973 --> 00:25:58,973 You guys do good, okay? 418 00:25:59,099 --> 00:26:01,392 Have a good trip, safe trip, safe journeys. 419 00:26:01,477 --> 00:26:02,769 Buckle up your seat belt. 420 00:26:02,853 --> 00:26:04,270 I'm going to feed the snake. 421 00:26:05,064 --> 00:26:06,481 I'm going to feed the snake for you. 422 00:26:09,318 --> 00:26:10,318 So off they went. 423 00:26:10,402 --> 00:26:13,655 They had 1,800 miles to go and only three days to do it. 424 00:26:13,989 --> 00:26:15,990 It was a killer journey to say the least, 425 00:26:16,116 --> 00:26:18,660 and it was one that changed them all forever. 426 00:26:19,495 --> 00:26:20,662 The end. 427 00:26:26,043 --> 00:26:27,752 So we'll look over here now... 428 00:26:27,836 --> 00:26:29,379 That's it? This story sucks. 429 00:26:29,463 --> 00:26:32,340 That can't be the whole story. What happened with the tape? 430 00:26:32,883 --> 00:26:34,050 Right. The tape. 431 00:26:36,011 --> 00:26:37,178 Well, 432 00:26:38,013 --> 00:26:40,139 like I said, they were on a race against time. 433 00:27:02,538 --> 00:27:05,999 Since we didn't get to see the tape, can you at least describe it to us? 434 00:27:06,417 --> 00:27:07,417 No. 435 00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:22,307 At least admit that Beth is amazing. 436 00:27:22,433 --> 00:27:24,642 I admit it. She's amazing. She's perfect, all right. 437 00:27:24,727 --> 00:27:25,977 There you go. 438 00:27:26,061 --> 00:27:30,106 I don't know why you feel guilty. Technically you haven't cheated. 439 00:27:31,150 --> 00:27:32,525 What are you talking about? 440 00:27:32,735 --> 00:27:35,820 Well, there are these rules that guys have, 441 00:27:36,155 --> 00:27:39,240 an understanding as to what exactly constitutes cheating. 442 00:27:40,034 --> 00:27:42,035 Take your situation, for example. 443 00:27:43,746 --> 00:27:45,330 It's not cheating. 444 00:27:45,414 --> 00:27:49,500 It's never cheating when you're in a different area code. 445 00:27:50,044 --> 00:27:51,753 That makes no sense. 446 00:27:52,004 --> 00:27:54,505 Don't look at me, Kyle, okay? I didn't make up the rules. 447 00:27:54,590 --> 00:27:57,342 No. This is legit. I've actually read an article about this. 448 00:27:57,426 --> 00:27:59,719 There's a whole bunch of them. They're like loopholes. 449 00:28:00,387 --> 00:28:01,846 Right? For argument's sake, let's say that 450 00:28:01,930 --> 00:28:05,224 you were sleeping with two girls at the same time. 451 00:28:05,351 --> 00:28:08,436 It wouldn't be cheating because they would cancel each other out. 452 00:28:09,229 --> 00:28:10,480 Exactly. 453 00:28:10,564 --> 00:28:12,774 Or if you're too wasted to remember, 454 00:28:13,776 --> 00:28:15,068 it is not cheating. 455 00:28:15,402 --> 00:28:19,655 Because if you can't really remember it, it never really took place. 456 00:28:24,078 --> 00:28:25,787 Okay, I've got one. Are you ready? 457 00:28:26,580 --> 00:28:30,958 It's not cheating if you let your dog lick peanut butter off your testicles. 458 00:28:33,003 --> 00:28:35,463 - Because it's your dog. - Jesus Christ. 459 00:28:36,340 --> 00:28:39,550 - You know, because it's your dog. - We got it. 460 00:28:52,189 --> 00:28:54,023 Somebody's going to die tomorrow. 461 00:29:02,074 --> 00:29:04,826 That's right. One of you is marked for death. 462 00:29:06,745 --> 00:29:08,704 And first thing tomorrow morning, 463 00:29:08,789 --> 00:29:12,708 a chosen one will experience nature's wrath, 464 00:29:13,252 --> 00:29:14,836 in all its fury. 465 00:29:30,436 --> 00:29:31,853 Who are you? 466 00:29:31,979 --> 00:29:33,020 I'm Beth. 467 00:29:33,730 --> 00:29:35,148 Are you here for the feeding? 468 00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:37,150 Excuse me? 469 00:29:37,234 --> 00:29:38,776 You're early. 470 00:29:38,861 --> 00:29:40,153 It's not till tomorrow. 471 00:29:41,029 --> 00:29:42,280 You should come back. 472 00:29:44,199 --> 00:29:45,575 It's going to be a bloodbath. 473 00:29:46,201 --> 00:29:47,994 I think I'll pass. 474 00:29:49,329 --> 00:29:50,746 Have you seen Josh? 475 00:29:52,458 --> 00:29:53,791 He went to visit his girlfriend. 476 00:29:54,668 --> 00:29:56,210 Tiffany? 477 00:29:57,087 --> 00:29:58,546 I thought they broke up. 478 00:29:59,965 --> 00:30:03,217 I mean, this girl, who's a friend of his. You know what I mean. 479 00:30:06,889 --> 00:30:08,222 Where did he go? 480 00:30:09,892 --> 00:30:11,601 Austin. 481 00:30:13,479 --> 00:30:14,854 Austin, Massachusetts. 482 00:30:16,523 --> 00:30:18,816 You mean Boston, Massachusetts? 483 00:30:19,401 --> 00:30:20,985 Yeah. That's what I said. 484 00:30:21,361 --> 00:30:22,737 Boston. 485 00:30:23,697 --> 00:30:26,365 The University of Boston in Massachusetts. 486 00:30:27,284 --> 00:30:29,202 He is such an asshole. 487 00:30:29,703 --> 00:30:32,413 I can't believe he just lied to my face like that. 488 00:30:32,998 --> 00:30:35,041 I actually thought he liked me. 489 00:30:36,627 --> 00:30:37,668 How could he do that? 490 00:30:37,753 --> 00:30:39,962 Wait, she was standing around topless? 491 00:30:40,172 --> 00:30:41,756 Girls just don't stand around naked. 492 00:30:41,924 --> 00:30:43,466 Yeah, they do. Okay? 493 00:30:43,550 --> 00:30:46,427 This is my story, okay? Do you want to hear it or not? 494 00:30:47,554 --> 00:30:48,971 It just doesn't make any... 495 00:30:49,181 --> 00:30:51,307 Please. No interruptions. Okay? 496 00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:56,604 So this other girl walks up, totally hot. Okay? 497 00:30:56,772 --> 00:30:58,439 Naked. Really naked. 498 00:31:01,485 --> 00:31:03,903 I know guys can be jerks. 499 00:31:04,446 --> 00:31:06,781 I guess I just thought Josh was different. 500 00:31:06,865 --> 00:31:08,032 I liked him. 501 00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:09,742 Sweetie, listen to me, okay? 502 00:31:09,826 --> 00:31:10,993 They're all the same. 503 00:31:11,078 --> 00:31:13,287 All men are perverted pigs. 504 00:31:13,372 --> 00:31:17,041 All they think about, all they really care about, is sex. 505 00:31:17,125 --> 00:31:18,125 Tits and ass. 506 00:31:18,210 --> 00:31:20,628 You're so right. I feel so used. 507 00:31:21,171 --> 00:31:23,214 Honey, face it. We are all used! 508 00:31:23,298 --> 00:31:25,299 In most men's eyes we are just flesh! 509 00:31:25,801 --> 00:31:26,801 Sick! 510 00:31:27,386 --> 00:31:30,763 It is sick. Think about it, okay? If they had it their way... 511 00:31:31,890 --> 00:31:34,725 Oh, God, I don't even wanna know what would happen if they had it their way. 512 00:31:34,810 --> 00:31:36,727 Do you know what I mean? 513 00:31:37,688 --> 00:31:39,897 But what am I supposed to do now... I mean, he's gone... 514 00:31:40,148 --> 00:31:42,233 You should go to Boston and bust his ass. 515 00:31:42,359 --> 00:31:44,652 Confront him and his little girlfriend. 516 00:31:44,736 --> 00:31:46,404 Face to face... You totally should. 517 00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:49,699 Okay... Show her what an asshole Josh is. 518 00:32:07,342 --> 00:32:08,676 These too. 519 00:32:12,389 --> 00:32:13,806 Kyle, come here for a second. 520 00:32:14,808 --> 00:32:16,642 We're a little short on cash right now. 521 00:32:16,810 --> 00:32:18,894 We need to put this on your credit card. 522 00:32:20,022 --> 00:32:21,480 We'll give you the cash when we get back. 523 00:32:21,606 --> 00:32:23,274 I promise. 524 00:32:25,861 --> 00:32:29,739 I can't. It's my dad's. It's for emergencies only. 525 00:32:30,657 --> 00:32:34,910 Hello. This is an emergency. We need this stuff. 526 00:32:35,162 --> 00:32:36,996 You want us to sleep in the dirt? 527 00:32:50,844 --> 00:32:53,137 I'd say we're officially in no-man's-land. 528 00:32:53,221 --> 00:32:54,972 We've been on this road for over an hour. 529 00:32:55,057 --> 00:32:59,185 This will save us five hours minimum. You can thank me later. 530 00:32:59,603 --> 00:33:01,979 Maybe we should turn around and go back to the interstate. 531 00:33:02,064 --> 00:33:05,191 - We're not going back. - We're not going back. Have some faith. 532 00:33:05,817 --> 00:33:08,069 It's supposed to be a challenge. That's why they call it a shortcut. 533 00:33:08,153 --> 00:33:10,363 If it was easy, it would just be the way. 534 00:33:13,617 --> 00:33:15,034 Damn it! 535 00:33:15,202 --> 00:33:16,369 Fuck! 536 00:33:17,204 --> 00:33:19,914 I give us about 20 minutes before our first ass-raping. 537 00:33:19,998 --> 00:33:21,040 What now? 538 00:33:21,124 --> 00:33:23,751 If we turn around we'll lose five hours just backtracking. 539 00:33:23,877 --> 00:33:26,712 Turn around? Why? Because of this? 540 00:33:28,215 --> 00:33:29,548 We can make it. 541 00:33:29,633 --> 00:33:32,968 Make it? You mean jump it? 542 00:33:33,428 --> 00:33:36,764 Absolutely not. No way. We're going back. 543 00:33:36,932 --> 00:33:38,766 It can be done. 544 00:33:40,936 --> 00:33:42,770 This incline here is 30 degrees roughly, right? 545 00:33:42,854 --> 00:33:45,022 The factory weight of the car is 1,600 pounds. 546 00:33:45,107 --> 00:33:48,275 Add our weight plus cargo, we're talking 2, 100 hundred pounds. 547 00:33:48,902 --> 00:33:50,736 If we hit this thing at 50 miles per hour, 548 00:33:50,821 --> 00:33:53,781 our trajectory will clear 10 feet. Easy. 549 00:33:53,865 --> 00:33:55,658 No way. Absolutely not. 550 00:33:56,576 --> 00:33:58,119 We'll go 60 just to be certain. 551 00:33:58,453 --> 00:33:59,870 We're going back. 552 00:33:59,955 --> 00:34:01,455 This is impossible. 553 00:34:01,873 --> 00:34:02,832 Are you sure? 554 00:34:02,916 --> 00:34:05,459 Of course I'm sure. With physics I'm always sure. 555 00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:08,921 I'm driving. 556 00:34:09,005 --> 00:34:10,506 I don't think you guys heard me. 557 00:34:10,590 --> 00:34:13,759 This is my car and we're not going to be jumping over any rivers. 558 00:34:15,554 --> 00:34:17,096 It's 10 feet. 559 00:34:17,305 --> 00:34:18,931 Bob Hope could jump this in a golf cart. 560 00:34:19,057 --> 00:34:20,891 Look, I can spit across this gap. 561 00:34:34,698 --> 00:34:36,407 Well, 562 00:34:37,117 --> 00:34:38,325 better make it 75. 563 00:34:39,202 --> 00:34:41,662 - Let's do it. - Trust me, Kyle. It's science. 564 00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:42,955 No, you guys. 565 00:34:44,291 --> 00:34:45,541 E.L., get out of my car. 566 00:34:46,209 --> 00:34:47,668 Kyle, in the car. Come on. 567 00:35:01,141 --> 00:35:02,224 We're okay. 568 00:35:08,940 --> 00:35:10,733 You know we need to hit 60, right? 569 00:35:10,817 --> 00:35:13,319 - I'm trying. This car sucks. - Stop! 570 00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:30,669 Thank you! Yes! 571 00:35:32,547 --> 00:35:33,839 What did I tell you? 572 00:35:50,065 --> 00:35:56,153 Oh, my God. 573 00:35:58,073 --> 00:36:02,201 My father is going to kill me when he finds out about this. 574 00:36:02,494 --> 00:36:04,453 I only said we'd make it across. 575 00:36:05,622 --> 00:36:07,540 I never said anything about the wheels staying on. 576 00:36:07,832 --> 00:36:09,875 What the hell are we going to do now? 577 00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:11,877 I'm totally screwed! 578 00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:16,799 I don't have time to be walking through the woods right now! 579 00:36:17,717 --> 00:36:20,219 We're going to call a tow truck. We'll have the axles fixed. 580 00:36:20,303 --> 00:36:21,971 We'll probably lose half a day at most. 581 00:36:22,055 --> 00:36:24,223 It'll be fine. It's just the wheels. 582 00:36:42,742 --> 00:36:46,495 The minute I think I feel something for someone, 583 00:36:46,580 --> 00:36:48,789 they just turn around and screw me over. 584 00:36:48,873 --> 00:36:50,124 Thank you. 585 00:36:52,002 --> 00:36:55,004 Something about Josh. He's just different. 586 00:36:55,088 --> 00:36:57,423 I mean, I feel like we had a connection. 587 00:36:58,091 --> 00:37:00,134 I don't think I'll ever be able to trust a guy. 588 00:37:00,302 --> 00:37:01,468 You shouldn't. 589 00:37:01,553 --> 00:37:05,472 Honey, the last time I trusted a man was back in 1985, 590 00:37:05,557 --> 00:37:07,933 and he took off with my sister and my van. 591 00:37:08,101 --> 00:37:09,476 A regular size van. 592 00:37:09,561 --> 00:37:12,187 That was before they started making that minivan crap. 593 00:37:14,941 --> 00:37:16,775 So there's no hope, huh? 594 00:37:16,943 --> 00:37:20,195 Oh, there's hope, but it comes with batteries. 595 00:37:27,412 --> 00:37:29,246 You can keep that. 596 00:37:29,497 --> 00:37:31,165 Oh, God. 597 00:37:31,249 --> 00:37:32,374 Oh, crap. 598 00:37:33,835 --> 00:37:35,252 Listen, guys. 599 00:37:36,212 --> 00:37:37,880 We're going to have to be more careful. 600 00:37:37,964 --> 00:37:40,716 We almost died in that explosion. 601 00:37:40,925 --> 00:37:42,176 I wish I'd died. 602 00:37:42,802 --> 00:37:45,429 I'm serious. I can't die young. 603 00:37:46,222 --> 00:37:49,308 Something tells me the people of Earth are going to need me. 604 00:37:51,311 --> 00:37:52,978 I must live. 605 00:37:54,648 --> 00:37:57,733 Yeah, right. We all must live. 606 00:37:58,151 --> 00:38:00,069 Before we do that, we must figure out how to get back on the road. 607 00:38:01,821 --> 00:38:03,781 We shouldn't be going to sleep right now. 608 00:38:10,038 --> 00:38:12,873 And let's just lay in the indication here and there 609 00:38:12,957 --> 00:38:15,459 of some little shadow areas. 610 00:38:15,669 --> 00:38:17,795 But you don't want a whole bunch of color there, 611 00:38:17,921 --> 00:38:21,548 just where you think you'll be happy with shadow. 612 00:38:22,008 --> 00:38:23,133 There. 613 00:38:23,718 --> 00:38:26,845 Maybe right here. 614 00:38:29,182 --> 00:38:30,724 Excuse me. 615 00:38:34,187 --> 00:38:36,146 I'm sorry, do you need to get that? 616 00:38:36,940 --> 00:38:38,357 Do you need something? 617 00:38:39,275 --> 00:38:40,901 Yeah. 618 00:38:41,069 --> 00:38:42,528 This is sort of an unusual question, 619 00:38:42,612 --> 00:38:46,198 but do you have any marijuana I could buy from you? 620 00:38:46,616 --> 00:38:49,743 Our car exploded last night and I'm practically all out of my own. 621 00:38:50,036 --> 00:38:51,453 Am I a drug dealer? 622 00:38:52,372 --> 00:38:55,874 No. I am not. Thank you for asking, though. 623 00:38:57,168 --> 00:38:59,795 No? Okay, that's okay. Thanks. 624 00:39:00,171 --> 00:39:02,506 Is there anything else I can help you with? 625 00:39:02,632 --> 00:39:05,426 Perhaps you'd like an 11 -year-old prostitute. 626 00:39:05,510 --> 00:39:06,593 We can do that. 627 00:39:07,554 --> 00:39:10,931 Or maybe we can off someone for you. How's that sound? 628 00:39:11,141 --> 00:39:12,474 I've got it. 629 00:39:12,559 --> 00:39:13,976 Why don't we start small. 630 00:39:14,519 --> 00:39:16,103 Would you like a fresh towel? 631 00:39:16,938 --> 00:39:18,897 Maybe you could roll that up and smoke it. 632 00:39:20,567 --> 00:39:21,984 Dick. 633 00:39:22,527 --> 00:39:24,153 By the way, Cheech. 634 00:39:24,279 --> 00:39:27,906 That credit card you guys gave me last night was maxed out, 635 00:39:27,991 --> 00:39:32,745 so don't go spending all your cash on needles and guns just yet. 636 00:39:41,212 --> 00:39:44,673 Mr. Earl Edwards? I'm sorry, sir. This card's over its limit. 637 00:39:46,009 --> 00:39:48,385 Well, that's not true. You just run along 638 00:39:48,470 --> 00:39:50,137 and put it through your little machine again. 639 00:39:50,221 --> 00:39:53,098 I ran it through three times, sir. It keeps telling me you're over your limit. 640 00:39:53,183 --> 00:39:54,850 You have another card, I'd be happy... 641 00:39:54,934 --> 00:39:57,269 Don't give me any attitude, son. 642 00:39:58,146 --> 00:40:00,022 Now you go fix that little toy back there, 643 00:40:00,106 --> 00:40:02,649 and you charge this frigging meal to that frigging card. 644 00:40:03,026 --> 00:40:05,068 We've been coming here for 20 years! 645 00:40:05,278 --> 00:40:06,945 We've only been open eight years, sir. 646 00:40:08,072 --> 00:40:09,239 Do it now. 647 00:40:10,742 --> 00:40:13,076 Relax. It's not a big deal. 648 00:40:13,495 --> 00:40:15,704 You don't seem to understand me. 649 00:40:15,789 --> 00:40:19,124 When Josh finds out about this, he's going to freak. 650 00:40:19,209 --> 00:40:21,877 You can't rent a car without a credit card. You just can't. 651 00:40:21,961 --> 00:40:24,671 So what are we going to do? 652 00:40:27,008 --> 00:40:29,176 Tell you what. Stay here. 653 00:40:29,260 --> 00:40:31,220 Take him out for breakfast or something. 654 00:40:31,971 --> 00:40:33,806 I'll go take care of this. 655 00:40:36,309 --> 00:40:39,186 Earl, Cookie, we have a situation. 656 00:40:39,395 --> 00:40:40,604 Brace yourselves. 657 00:40:40,814 --> 00:40:45,359 The police have found Kyle's car abandoned in Bedford, Pennsylvania. 658 00:40:45,985 --> 00:40:49,154 It's been blown to bits. We checked with the university, 659 00:40:49,364 --> 00:40:50,823 and he's missing. 660 00:40:53,159 --> 00:40:54,660 Mother of God. 661 00:41:06,339 --> 00:41:07,881 Good morning. 662 00:41:12,095 --> 00:41:13,846 Hi, how can I help you? 663 00:41:18,434 --> 00:41:21,019 I was sent over here to check out bus 111 664 00:41:21,104 --> 00:41:24,314 and I'm afraid I have some bad news. 665 00:41:24,399 --> 00:41:26,859 You seem to be having problems with the... 666 00:41:27,527 --> 00:41:29,069 Rotator splint. 667 00:41:29,237 --> 00:41:31,280 Engines have rotator splints? 668 00:41:32,073 --> 00:41:33,073 Yeah. 669 00:41:33,241 --> 00:41:36,076 She runs good now, but not for long. 670 00:41:36,244 --> 00:41:39,538 I can have it back to you as good as new in less than a week. 671 00:41:41,082 --> 00:41:42,207 Let's see. 672 00:41:44,127 --> 00:41:47,796 Jared's still in Aliquippa. I take it he called you from there. 673 00:41:50,425 --> 00:41:53,427 Five days. Well, I think we can work that out. 674 00:41:54,721 --> 00:41:55,929 Could you please not feed my dog? 675 00:41:59,309 --> 00:42:00,893 - I didn't. - You did so. 676 00:42:01,811 --> 00:42:03,854 You can't feed Seeing Eye dogs treats like that. 677 00:42:03,938 --> 00:42:07,566 They're specially trained. So please leave him alone. 678 00:42:07,734 --> 00:42:09,067 Don't roll your eyes at me. 679 00:42:26,002 --> 00:42:27,336 French toast. 680 00:42:28,421 --> 00:42:30,589 Bacon. Good for you. 681 00:42:31,090 --> 00:42:32,174 And the scrambled eggs. 682 00:42:32,926 --> 00:42:34,384 Excuse me. 683 00:42:34,469 --> 00:42:36,803 This has powdered sugar on it, and I ordered no sugar. 684 00:42:37,472 --> 00:42:39,723 I really can't have too much sugar in the morning. 685 00:42:39,933 --> 00:42:41,391 Oh, I'm sorry. Look at that. 686 00:42:42,101 --> 00:42:44,603 You're absolutely right. I'll tell you what. 687 00:42:44,771 --> 00:42:47,439 Let me take this back and bring you out a new piece. 688 00:42:48,066 --> 00:42:49,107 Okay, everybody good? 689 00:42:49,442 --> 00:42:50,776 Okay, great. 690 00:42:51,736 --> 00:42:54,738 Where are my books and possessions? Because I can't... 691 00:42:55,031 --> 00:42:57,741 Wait, they were in the car that blew up. That's right. 692 00:42:57,825 --> 00:42:59,826 That's hilarious. 693 00:43:22,392 --> 00:43:25,143 - Let me warm that up for you. - Thank you. 694 00:43:25,478 --> 00:43:27,479 - All right. There you go. - Thanks, man. 695 00:43:29,065 --> 00:43:30,399 Excuse me. 696 00:43:31,818 --> 00:43:34,027 - Your French toast'll be up in a minute. - Okay, thank you. 697 00:43:34,112 --> 00:43:35,529 Okay, great. 698 00:43:54,549 --> 00:43:56,842 French toast, no sugar. All right? 699 00:43:56,926 --> 00:43:58,927 - Sorry about that. - Oh, no problem. Thank you. 700 00:43:59,012 --> 00:44:00,095 - Oh, no problem. - Thanks a lot. 701 00:44:02,432 --> 00:44:03,849 That's a nice guy. 702 00:44:13,693 --> 00:44:15,027 It's good. 703 00:44:30,334 --> 00:44:32,377 I don't even want to know how you got this. 704 00:44:32,545 --> 00:44:34,546 I stole it from a blind chick. 705 00:44:34,714 --> 00:44:37,257 - I said I didn't want to know. - What? 706 00:44:37,341 --> 00:44:40,510 I'm going to give it back. Probably. 707 00:45:25,181 --> 00:45:29,101 Can we please stop soon? I need to use the bathroom. 708 00:45:29,602 --> 00:45:31,812 You know, actually, I don't have to go yet, 709 00:45:31,896 --> 00:45:34,272 so we'll stop in a couple hours. 710 00:45:37,568 --> 00:45:40,195 I'm kidding, Kyle. We'll stop. 711 00:45:40,530 --> 00:45:43,323 Jeez, you have to stand up for yourself every once in a while. 712 00:45:43,533 --> 00:45:45,450 Be a little more assertive. 713 00:45:46,619 --> 00:45:49,287 What's your deal, anyways? Why are you so worried all the time? 714 00:45:49,956 --> 00:45:51,331 I don't know. 715 00:45:52,125 --> 00:45:56,169 I guess it's my dad. He's like, strict. 716 00:45:56,504 --> 00:46:00,549 He really is going to kill me when he finds out about that car. 717 00:46:00,800 --> 00:46:04,511 So you screwed up. Big deal, man. People make mistakes. 718 00:46:04,804 --> 00:46:09,182 He'll get over it. Besides, that car sucked, anyways. 719 00:46:12,311 --> 00:46:14,646 I really do need to go to the bathroom. 720 00:46:15,231 --> 00:46:17,691 - We're making a pit stop. - Again? 721 00:46:19,986 --> 00:46:22,487 You're about to experience firsthand 722 00:46:22,697 --> 00:46:25,657 exactly what it means to be in the lower region 723 00:46:25,825 --> 00:46:27,868 of nature's food chain. 724 00:46:28,828 --> 00:46:31,663 Mitch is going to bite into you. 725 00:46:32,790 --> 00:46:34,332 He's going to squeeze. 726 00:46:35,668 --> 00:46:39,129 He'll actually start digesting you while you're still alive. 727 00:46:40,006 --> 00:46:42,007 But don't be scared. 728 00:46:45,386 --> 00:46:47,220 It'll be a quick death. 729 00:46:50,308 --> 00:46:51,808 Be brave. 730 00:46:52,518 --> 00:46:54,352 You'll barely feel it. 731 00:46:56,606 --> 00:46:57,689 Come on. 732 00:47:00,359 --> 00:47:02,485 Come on. You going to fucking eat him? 733 00:47:15,208 --> 00:47:16,541 Wait up a second. 734 00:47:17,627 --> 00:47:20,587 This is supposed to be a road trip. 735 00:47:21,547 --> 00:47:24,132 All we're doing is driving the whole time. 736 00:47:24,217 --> 00:47:25,217 It's ridiculous. 737 00:47:25,301 --> 00:47:26,551 No one forced you to come. 738 00:47:27,303 --> 00:47:29,262 We're making great time here. 739 00:47:29,472 --> 00:47:30,805 If Tiffany sees the tape 740 00:47:30,890 --> 00:47:32,766 it'd be the best thing that ever happened to you. 741 00:47:33,768 --> 00:47:34,976 What is that supposed to mean? 742 00:47:35,394 --> 00:47:36,728 Beth is like an angel. 743 00:47:37,230 --> 00:47:39,439 She's here to help you change your life. 744 00:47:39,523 --> 00:47:41,816 Besides, did Tiffany ever let you videotape her? 745 00:47:43,319 --> 00:47:45,070 I think not. 746 00:47:45,488 --> 00:47:47,405 It's a sign, Josh. 747 00:47:51,244 --> 00:47:53,245 - Hello. - Professor Anderson? 748 00:47:53,412 --> 00:47:54,454 Who's calling? 749 00:47:54,538 --> 00:47:56,206 Hi, professor. It's Josh Parker. 750 00:47:59,794 --> 00:48:02,963 Yeah, hello, Josh. What can I do for you? 751 00:48:03,422 --> 00:48:06,007 Well, I was in a car accident, sir. 752 00:48:06,842 --> 00:48:08,551 - Oh, my God. - No, I'm okay. 753 00:48:08,636 --> 00:48:10,553 I'm in kind of a bind. 754 00:48:10,638 --> 00:48:12,597 See, all my notes and books were destroyed. 755 00:48:12,890 --> 00:48:15,850 So I was wondering if it was possible to get a little extension. 756 00:48:15,935 --> 00:48:18,853 Maybe take the midterm a couple days later? 757 00:48:19,105 --> 00:48:22,732 Sure. Yes, it sounds like an emergency. 758 00:48:22,817 --> 00:48:24,609 How about an extra three days? 759 00:48:25,027 --> 00:48:26,861 How would that sound? Would that work? 760 00:48:27,029 --> 00:48:30,615 Yeah, that would be fantastic. Are you sure? 761 00:48:30,866 --> 00:48:32,701 I'm just glad you're not hurt. 762 00:48:32,785 --> 00:48:35,078 See, I'm marking it down right now. 763 00:48:35,288 --> 00:48:37,998 It's great, Professor. See you soon. 764 00:48:38,291 --> 00:48:40,041 Okay. Goodbye. 765 00:48:41,794 --> 00:48:42,794 Who was that? 766 00:48:43,462 --> 00:48:46,756 Oh, that was Josh Parker. 767 00:48:47,383 --> 00:48:48,591 What did he want? 768 00:48:48,718 --> 00:48:52,095 He was just calling to confirm the date of the exam. 769 00:48:52,179 --> 00:48:53,638 Such a worrier. 770 00:49:08,779 --> 00:49:11,781 It's going to be okay. I'll find him. 771 00:49:11,949 --> 00:49:14,576 And we'll find whoever did this, I promise. 772 00:49:14,660 --> 00:49:15,952 It's going to be okay. 773 00:49:16,162 --> 00:49:17,829 If I had to guess, 774 00:49:18,622 --> 00:49:21,249 I'd say somebody was raped and murdered here last night. 775 00:49:21,334 --> 00:49:23,460 What the hell gives you that idea? 776 00:49:23,961 --> 00:49:26,338 I don't know. It's just a feeling. 777 00:49:30,051 --> 00:49:32,761 - Well? - Nothing yet. 778 00:49:33,012 --> 00:49:36,890 Good thing is, there's no evidence of a struggle. 779 00:49:37,183 --> 00:49:40,018 No blood or clothing, anything like that. 780 00:49:40,186 --> 00:49:42,604 And we haven't found a single drop of semen yet. 781 00:50:02,875 --> 00:50:07,754 Hi. I'm visiting my friend from home, although she doesn't know I'm coming. 782 00:50:08,047 --> 00:50:10,131 - It's a surprise. - Oh, how nice. 783 00:50:10,383 --> 00:50:12,092 How can I help you? 784 00:50:12,385 --> 00:50:14,803 Well, I've never been here before. I don't know where she lives. 785 00:50:15,054 --> 00:50:18,223 What's her name? I can look it up in the student directory. 786 00:50:18,724 --> 00:50:19,724 Tiffany Henderson. 787 00:50:26,941 --> 00:50:28,441 Do I know you? 788 00:50:30,236 --> 00:50:33,446 No, you don't. Actually, I know your boyfriend. 789 00:50:33,656 --> 00:50:35,949 Okay. Who are you? 790 00:50:36,200 --> 00:50:37,450 I'm Beth. 791 00:50:38,327 --> 00:50:40,995 Could we just sit down for a minute? 792 00:50:41,622 --> 00:50:42,956 Okay. 793 00:50:53,426 --> 00:50:55,593 This is really hard for me, 794 00:50:55,928 --> 00:50:57,804 but it's definitely something you should hear. 795 00:51:01,308 --> 00:51:03,435 Your boyfriend's cheating on you, 796 00:51:03,936 --> 00:51:04,936 with me. 797 00:51:06,147 --> 00:51:08,356 We were together Thursday night, 798 00:51:09,442 --> 00:51:10,942 twice, 799 00:51:11,318 --> 00:51:13,403 and once again Friday morning. 800 00:51:14,321 --> 00:51:16,114 I thought you should know. 801 00:51:32,840 --> 00:51:34,340 Tiffany, what the hell are you doing? 802 00:51:36,719 --> 00:51:37,969 Who's that guy? 803 00:51:38,053 --> 00:51:39,554 That's her boyfriend. 804 00:51:41,015 --> 00:51:42,849 That's her boyfriend? 805 00:51:43,976 --> 00:51:45,477 He's been cheating on her. 806 00:52:22,181 --> 00:52:24,307 I'm sorry, but 807 00:52:24,517 --> 00:52:28,770 you have the most beautiful feet. 808 00:52:31,148 --> 00:52:33,066 Would you like a foot massage? 809 00:52:33,651 --> 00:52:36,778 No, I would not like a foot massage. 810 00:52:36,987 --> 00:52:39,864 As a matter of fact, I would hate a foot massage. 811 00:52:39,949 --> 00:52:41,824 Okay, I'm sorry. Relax. 812 00:52:42,034 --> 00:52:46,746 Are there any guys out there who are just normal? 813 00:52:48,874 --> 00:52:51,376 Unleash the fury, Mitch. 814 00:52:52,836 --> 00:52:54,754 Unleash the fury. 815 00:52:58,551 --> 00:53:00,218 Come on, Mitch. 816 00:53:01,512 --> 00:53:02,762 Eat him. 817 00:53:04,348 --> 00:53:08,726 Please, Mitch. Go get him, boy. He's right there. 818 00:53:09,186 --> 00:53:10,645 Kill him. 819 00:53:11,230 --> 00:53:12,647 Maim him. 820 00:53:13,107 --> 00:53:14,232 Bite him. 821 00:53:15,985 --> 00:53:18,027 Unleash the fury! 822 00:53:27,955 --> 00:53:29,539 Wow, this is cool. 823 00:53:29,623 --> 00:53:31,958 I've never been in a fraternity house before. 824 00:53:34,378 --> 00:53:35,795 Is this going to work? 825 00:53:35,879 --> 00:53:38,715 Of course it's going to work. I know the handshake and everything. 826 00:53:43,929 --> 00:53:45,096 Hi. Can I help you? 827 00:53:45,598 --> 00:53:47,348 Yeah. I'm Rubin Carver. 828 00:53:47,433 --> 00:53:50,101 I'm a Xi Chi brother from the lthaca University chapter. 829 00:53:50,853 --> 00:53:54,188 My friends and I were passing through, looking for a place to party, 830 00:53:54,607 --> 00:53:56,441 maybe even a place to crash. 831 00:54:06,785 --> 00:54:09,954 - Xi. - Chi. 832 00:54:35,898 --> 00:54:37,565 Everyone, 833 00:54:38,108 --> 00:54:39,484 this is Rubin. 834 00:54:39,568 --> 00:54:42,528 Apparently, Rubin is our fraternity brother 835 00:54:42,613 --> 00:54:44,739 from our lthaca chapter. 836 00:54:45,532 --> 00:54:47,325 These are his friends. 837 00:54:48,827 --> 00:54:53,081 Listen, apparently we've interrupted your dinner, so we're just going to... 838 00:54:53,165 --> 00:54:55,458 Hey, don't be crazy. 839 00:54:55,542 --> 00:54:57,877 Listen, there's plenty of food to go around, all right? 840 00:54:57,961 --> 00:55:00,171 You guys are more than welcome to stay. 841 00:55:17,606 --> 00:55:19,691 You know, this food's actually pretty good. 842 00:55:23,028 --> 00:55:27,156 Hey, you do realize this is a national black fraternity? 843 00:55:28,367 --> 00:55:30,368 They know you're not a member. 844 00:55:31,537 --> 00:55:34,580 I'm sorry. I don't think about that kind of stuff. 845 00:55:35,124 --> 00:55:38,543 Okay, relax. Okay? They're just messing with us. 846 00:55:38,627 --> 00:55:40,378 No way. They're pissed because he lied. 847 00:55:40,629 --> 00:55:42,380 I say we get the hell out of here. 848 00:55:42,548 --> 00:55:43,548 Just relax. 849 00:55:43,632 --> 00:55:45,466 Someone's got some serious explaining to do. 850 00:55:45,551 --> 00:55:47,427 Yeah. Look what we found in this guy's duffle bag. 851 00:55:47,511 --> 00:55:49,721 What? What is that? 852 00:55:50,055 --> 00:55:52,390 No, I've never seen that before in my life. 853 00:55:52,641 --> 00:55:55,727 What are you guys doing here? Are you in the Ku Klux Klan? 854 00:55:56,145 --> 00:55:57,395 That is not ours. 855 00:55:57,479 --> 00:55:58,813 That is not mine. 856 00:56:00,733 --> 00:56:02,525 There's obviously some explanation for this. 857 00:56:02,609 --> 00:56:06,070 Yeah, there is. You see, your boy here's an evil bigot, 858 00:56:06,155 --> 00:56:07,947 and now he's going to die. 859 00:56:08,031 --> 00:56:09,282 Justice. 860 00:56:23,589 --> 00:56:25,757 There you are. I thought we lost you there for a minute. 861 00:56:27,760 --> 00:56:29,093 Am I in the hospital? 862 00:56:29,344 --> 00:56:30,511 You passed out. 863 00:56:30,596 --> 00:56:33,514 They were messing with us, Kyle. It was a joke. 864 00:56:35,934 --> 00:56:37,602 Racist? 865 00:56:37,686 --> 00:56:40,438 But I watch Oprah Winfrey every day. 866 00:56:40,606 --> 00:56:43,941 It was a joke, outtie. A joke. 867 00:56:44,443 --> 00:56:48,362 Yeah, I get it. Sure, put a Klan hood in my bag. 868 00:56:50,032 --> 00:56:51,866 That's funny. 869 00:56:54,036 --> 00:56:56,704 - I need a wine cooler. - Hey, have mine. 870 00:58:07,526 --> 00:58:10,194 Isn't he just the cutest little thing? 871 00:58:10,362 --> 00:58:13,072 Oh, yeah. Kyle's the man. 872 00:58:22,624 --> 00:58:26,043 You mean never? Not even once? 873 00:58:27,379 --> 00:58:31,883 Well, I mean, I've had sex before, 874 00:58:32,217 --> 00:58:35,344 just never with a person. 875 00:58:36,722 --> 00:58:38,306 Right. 876 00:58:40,225 --> 00:58:43,227 Well, I think that's kind of cool. 877 00:58:43,896 --> 00:58:44,896 You do? 878 00:58:45,731 --> 00:58:48,566 Yeah. I mean, you should hold out. 879 00:58:48,817 --> 00:58:50,776 It should be special. 880 00:58:54,781 --> 00:58:56,490 Wait till you're in love. 881 00:59:01,079 --> 00:59:02,914 I think I love you. 882 00:59:03,749 --> 00:59:05,750 You are so cute. 883 00:59:31,693 --> 00:59:34,278 I take it you don't have a condom. 884 00:59:37,282 --> 00:59:40,952 No. I guess I'm all out. 885 00:59:41,954 --> 00:59:46,874 Well, Lawrence probably has some. Why don't you try that drawer. 886 00:59:51,213 --> 00:59:54,048 Next to the Old Spice, behind the belts. 887 00:59:59,221 --> 01:00:00,805 Good guess. 888 01:00:10,649 --> 01:00:12,066 You know what? 889 01:00:13,235 --> 01:00:15,653 I don't exactly know what I'm... 890 01:00:15,737 --> 01:00:17,571 What I'm doing and... 891 01:00:17,990 --> 01:00:19,156 I'm... 892 01:00:21,493 --> 01:00:25,246 Relax, baby. Let Rhonda handle this. 893 01:00:45,684 --> 01:00:49,687 Thanks, I had a great time. Take care. Stay cool. 894 01:00:58,113 --> 01:00:59,363 What's up? 895 01:01:14,880 --> 01:01:18,966 Let's go, Kyle. We want details. What happened? 896 01:01:20,719 --> 01:01:25,681 Well, we had a few drinks, danced a little and you know. 897 01:01:25,766 --> 01:01:28,726 No, we don't know. Tell us. 898 01:01:32,230 --> 01:01:34,148 What the hell is that? 899 01:01:34,816 --> 01:01:36,400 Did you kill a cheetah? 900 01:01:37,027 --> 01:01:41,489 What? No, these are her underwear. She gave them to me. 901 01:01:45,410 --> 01:01:46,744 I boinked her. 902 01:01:47,746 --> 01:01:48,704 Boinked? 903 01:01:48,789 --> 01:01:51,457 Yeah, wait. Did you just say the word "boinked"? 904 01:01:53,919 --> 01:01:57,129 Well, Kyle, I certainly hope you got all the boinking out of your system, 905 01:01:57,214 --> 01:01:59,632 'cause we got a lot of driving to do today, guys. 906 01:02:00,759 --> 01:02:03,469 Do not get your hopes up about visiting Graceland, 907 01:02:03,678 --> 01:02:06,847 because right now we are all about the mission at hand. 908 01:02:09,684 --> 01:02:10,935 What? 909 01:02:11,186 --> 01:02:13,479 That sounds like a really good plan except for one little thing. 910 01:02:13,688 --> 01:02:15,356 What little thing? 911 01:02:16,108 --> 01:02:17,483 We're out of money. 912 01:02:17,859 --> 01:02:21,695 Before I have you fill out these forms I need to ask you a few questions, 913 01:02:21,780 --> 01:02:24,698 and then if you qualify, you can make a sperm deposit. 914 01:02:24,825 --> 01:02:25,825 Is that understood? 915 01:02:26,618 --> 01:02:27,868 Fire away. 916 01:02:28,620 --> 01:02:30,663 Now, be honest, because if you don't tell the truth, 917 01:02:30,747 --> 01:02:32,873 the test will and you won't get paid. 918 01:02:33,375 --> 01:02:37,628 So first off, have any of you done any drugs in the past 36 hours? 919 01:02:37,796 --> 01:02:39,463 And that includes marijuana. 920 01:02:44,803 --> 01:02:46,137 Next. 921 01:02:46,304 --> 01:02:50,808 Have any of you had sex or masturbated in the past 24 hours? 922 01:02:52,060 --> 01:02:56,814 Well, I guess I'm out, because I had sex last night, 923 01:02:56,982 --> 01:02:58,524 with a girl. 924 01:03:00,652 --> 01:03:01,902 That's nice. 925 01:03:02,112 --> 01:03:05,531 I think you'll find everything you need right here in these binders. 926 01:03:06,825 --> 01:03:08,492 Why don't you each take a cup. 927 01:03:09,411 --> 01:03:10,744 And here's yours. 928 01:03:10,996 --> 01:03:15,166 I'd appreciate it if you'd return those to the front desk after you're finished. 929 01:03:15,417 --> 01:03:17,251 Okay, thanks. 930 01:03:17,752 --> 01:03:19,003 Cheers. 931 01:03:22,174 --> 01:03:23,507 Excuse me. 932 01:03:24,259 --> 01:03:26,343 Do you have anything with Asian women? 933 01:03:26,511 --> 01:03:30,347 I have this thing for Asian chicks, and there seem to be none in this binder. 934 01:03:30,515 --> 01:03:32,558 Sorry, this isn't Peep World. 935 01:03:32,642 --> 01:03:35,186 Our selection's rather limited. You're going to have to make do. 936 01:03:35,520 --> 01:03:39,106 Okay, no problem. You've been more than helpful. 937 01:03:45,447 --> 01:03:47,448 Is something wrong? 938 01:03:47,949 --> 01:03:49,283 Well, no. 939 01:03:50,118 --> 01:03:53,120 But I just, I couldn't help but notice that. 940 01:03:53,371 --> 01:03:55,247 Is there something between us? 941 01:03:55,457 --> 01:03:59,043 I mean, I was thinking that maybe you might want to 942 01:03:59,211 --> 01:04:01,879 help me out with a little 943 01:04:03,215 --> 01:04:05,716 professional assistance. 944 01:04:06,885 --> 01:04:08,802 Do you need some help? 945 01:04:10,055 --> 01:04:11,972 Yes, I do. 946 01:04:20,565 --> 01:04:24,485 The moment I saw you out there, I thought you were incredible. 947 01:04:25,403 --> 01:04:27,821 I mean, you're not like most of the girls I know. 948 01:04:28,073 --> 01:04:30,449 - You're a real woman. - That's fine. 949 01:04:30,659 --> 01:04:31,867 Could you turn around and drop your pants, 950 01:04:31,952 --> 01:04:33,953 put both hands flat on the table? 951 01:04:34,913 --> 01:04:36,789 Oh, my God. 952 01:04:36,998 --> 01:04:40,167 - This is great. Like this? - Exactly. 953 01:04:43,421 --> 01:04:46,924 I have to admit, I love you in that uniform. 954 01:04:47,092 --> 01:04:50,678 Do those nylons go all the way up or are they like those thigh-high kind? 955 01:04:51,179 --> 01:04:54,848 I'm going to perform a procedure on you called milking the prostate. 956 01:04:55,100 --> 01:04:57,142 It's an anally induced ejaculation. 957 01:04:57,936 --> 01:04:59,103 Anal? 958 01:04:59,938 --> 01:05:02,481 You'll feel strong pressure on the prostate gland 959 01:05:02,565 --> 01:05:03,899 from inside your rectum. 960 01:05:05,777 --> 01:05:06,944 Oh, come on, now. 961 01:05:07,612 --> 01:05:10,114 You don't have to get all scientific on me, baby. 962 01:05:10,198 --> 01:05:11,615 I mean, we can just talk. 963 01:05:22,961 --> 01:05:25,629 Stop. Okay, keep doing it. Yeah! 964 01:05:26,464 --> 01:05:28,382 Right there! 965 01:05:33,555 --> 01:05:34,805 Oh, my God. 966 01:05:41,396 --> 01:05:43,981 Okay. All done. 967 01:05:49,321 --> 01:05:53,157 That was awesome. 968 01:05:54,826 --> 01:05:57,995 Wait. Wait, does that work? 969 01:05:58,163 --> 01:06:01,415 I mean, is it even medically possible? 970 01:06:01,666 --> 01:06:03,834 Oh, yeah. It works. 971 01:06:04,669 --> 01:06:06,587 It works like a charm. 972 01:06:08,923 --> 01:06:10,341 But back to our story. 973 01:06:11,426 --> 01:06:13,510 It was Sunday morning back in lthaca, 974 01:06:13,678 --> 01:06:17,264 when things suddenly took an unexpected turn. 975 01:06:18,058 --> 01:06:21,268 Look at me. I'm a mouse. Eat me. Eat me. 976 01:06:21,519 --> 01:06:23,395 Eat me. Eat me. Eat me. 977 01:06:25,565 --> 01:06:27,191 Come on. 978 01:06:27,776 --> 01:06:31,362 You better eat him, Mitch, before I do. 979 01:06:32,697 --> 01:06:34,239 He's tasty. 980 01:06:34,574 --> 01:06:36,325 He's tasty, Mitch. 981 01:06:50,882 --> 01:06:52,841 Why'd you lie to me? 982 01:07:01,101 --> 01:07:02,434 I didn't lie. 983 01:07:02,936 --> 01:07:05,229 You told me that Josh went to Boston. 984 01:07:05,438 --> 01:07:06,897 No, I didn't. I said Austin. 985 01:07:07,107 --> 01:07:08,399 You said Boston. 986 01:07:08,650 --> 01:07:11,985 Because of you, some guy's life is ruined in Boston. 987 01:07:12,237 --> 01:07:14,405 So what? Besides, what's the difference? 988 01:07:14,614 --> 01:07:16,490 Wherever he went, he went because of you. 989 01:07:17,450 --> 01:07:19,243 What do you mean, because of me? 990 01:07:19,452 --> 01:07:21,995 Look, it's obvious. 991 01:07:22,414 --> 01:07:25,624 Josh likes you. It's disgusting. 992 01:07:26,126 --> 01:07:28,127 I knew you'd come back. 993 01:07:28,420 --> 01:07:29,420 What do you want? 994 01:07:29,629 --> 01:07:32,172 So how was your little getaway with Josh? 995 01:07:32,424 --> 01:07:35,134 - I wasn't with Josh. - Sure. 996 01:07:35,385 --> 01:07:38,720 Doesn't matter, though, because Josh won't be back next semester. 997 01:07:38,805 --> 01:07:41,181 He's about to flunk philosophy. 998 01:07:41,266 --> 01:07:42,683 What are you talking about? 999 01:07:43,309 --> 01:07:47,187 See, he thinks that he has an extension on the midterm, 1000 01:07:47,272 --> 01:07:51,233 but, thanks to a certain someone, me, 1001 01:07:51,860 --> 01:07:53,110 he doesn't. 1002 01:07:53,236 --> 01:07:54,611 He's such an idiot. 1003 01:07:54,779 --> 01:07:56,321 You are a psycho. 1004 01:08:13,965 --> 01:08:15,132 Oh, my God. 1005 01:08:21,473 --> 01:08:23,474 Turn it down, you say 1006 01:08:23,558 --> 01:08:26,351 Well, all I got to say to you is time and time again, I say no 1007 01:08:26,519 --> 01:08:27,686 No 1008 01:08:30,523 --> 01:08:32,316 Tell me not to play 1009 01:08:32,525 --> 01:08:36,361 Well, all I got to say to you when you tell me not to play I say no 1010 01:08:39,699 --> 01:08:43,076 So if you ask me why I like the way I play it 1011 01:08:44,329 --> 01:08:47,664 There's only one thing I can say to you 1012 01:08:47,874 --> 01:08:53,545 I want to rock 1013 01:08:56,633 --> 01:08:58,133 Want to rock 1014 01:09:02,263 --> 01:09:06,183 I set the guys up at my grandparents' house for a place to crash. 1015 01:09:06,684 --> 01:09:08,977 I haven't been there in a long time. 1016 01:09:09,354 --> 01:09:11,939 When I was seven, I set their dog on fire, 1017 01:09:12,023 --> 01:09:13,690 and I haven't been invited back. 1018 01:09:13,858 --> 01:09:16,902 But I hear it's still real nice. 1019 01:09:17,111 --> 01:09:18,403 I'm serious. 1020 01:09:18,613 --> 01:09:21,532 "Please." "Thank you." "This is delicious." 1021 01:09:21,741 --> 01:09:23,408 Those are the only words you're allowed to say, okay? 1022 01:09:23,618 --> 01:09:26,370 What? I'm great with old people. 1023 01:09:26,579 --> 01:09:29,414 - Grandmas love me. - Wait a minute. Wait, wait. 1024 01:09:30,250 --> 01:09:31,708 Manilow? 1025 01:09:31,918 --> 01:09:33,752 Barry's last name is Manilow? 1026 01:09:34,212 --> 01:09:36,421 His name is Barry Manilow? 1027 01:09:41,219 --> 01:09:45,222 Oh, my goodness. Look at you boys. 1028 01:09:45,890 --> 01:09:47,808 Jack, they're here. 1029 01:09:54,816 --> 01:09:58,902 Jack, Barry's friends are here. Come say hi. 1030 01:09:59,654 --> 01:10:00,779 The boys are here. 1031 01:10:01,781 --> 01:10:03,657 Oh, hey, fellas. 1032 01:10:05,577 --> 01:10:07,035 - How's it going? - Wait. 1033 01:10:07,120 --> 01:10:11,081 Let me get up and I'll give you guys the full tour. 1034 01:10:11,791 --> 01:10:14,585 Oh, honey, careful. Your boner. 1035 01:10:15,461 --> 01:10:17,921 Well, what do you want me to do? Cut it off? 1036 01:10:18,631 --> 01:10:20,424 I'll tell you what, fellas. 1037 01:10:20,967 --> 01:10:25,178 We'll start the tour by me showing you where you're going to sleep. 1038 01:10:25,263 --> 01:10:29,516 Maybe I'll show you what we call the guest room. Follow me, boys. 1039 01:10:29,976 --> 01:10:31,977 The guest room, if you please. 1040 01:10:51,998 --> 01:10:53,290 Excuse me. 1041 01:10:55,293 --> 01:10:56,668 You remember this kid? 1042 01:10:57,420 --> 01:10:59,838 No. Sure don't. 1043 01:11:05,678 --> 01:11:09,514 Let me ask you once more. Have you seen my son? 1044 01:11:11,351 --> 01:11:14,019 Now that you mention it, there were a few guys in here. 1045 01:11:14,187 --> 01:11:16,647 If you loosen my arm, I could get their bill for you. 1046 01:11:16,731 --> 01:11:18,023 Use your other arm. 1047 01:11:24,530 --> 01:11:26,657 - About how many were there? - I don't know. A few. 1048 01:11:28,034 --> 01:11:29,326 Four! 1049 01:11:29,535 --> 01:11:32,037 One of them was in here trying to score drugs. 1050 01:11:32,246 --> 01:11:33,288 Honey, look. 1051 01:11:33,665 --> 01:11:37,417 They made two calls to Austin, Texas. Maybe they went there. 1052 01:11:53,393 --> 01:11:54,851 Having a smoke? 1053 01:11:57,313 --> 01:11:58,730 Yeah. 1054 01:12:01,609 --> 01:12:03,360 I can't sleep either. 1055 01:12:03,528 --> 01:12:07,155 Goddamn Viagra gets my heart racing like a lab rat. 1056 01:12:08,574 --> 01:12:11,451 Are you okay? You look kind of goofy. 1057 01:12:11,703 --> 01:12:13,578 No, it's nothing. 1058 01:12:13,955 --> 01:12:15,706 Come on, out with it. 1059 01:12:18,376 --> 01:12:19,459 Well... 1060 01:12:21,379 --> 01:12:23,296 - I almost died two days ago. - What? 1061 01:12:23,548 --> 01:12:26,967 Our car exploded. Yeah. I could be dead right now. 1062 01:12:28,886 --> 01:12:30,554 And since that happened, 1063 01:12:30,888 --> 01:12:33,140 I find myself asking "Why?" 1064 01:12:33,641 --> 01:12:36,268 You know? Like... 1065 01:12:37,562 --> 01:12:39,813 What is my reason for living? 1066 01:12:41,232 --> 01:12:43,775 Are you going to pass that doobie or what? 1067 01:12:44,652 --> 01:12:45,902 Doobie? 1068 01:12:46,237 --> 01:12:48,155 Yeah, sorry. 1069 01:12:48,906 --> 01:12:50,282 Thanks. 1070 01:12:58,750 --> 01:13:00,500 You know what your problem is? 1071 01:13:02,920 --> 01:13:06,089 You're all brains. Not enough cock and balls. 1072 01:13:07,049 --> 01:13:10,260 People have been telling me that my whole life, believe it or not. 1073 01:13:11,929 --> 01:13:15,515 In 6th grade, I got so worried about the escalating situation in Iraq 1074 01:13:15,600 --> 01:13:17,851 that they put me on an adult dosage of Xanax. 1075 01:13:18,102 --> 01:13:21,313 And by 8th grade I was in therapy three times a week. 1076 01:13:22,106 --> 01:13:23,774 And the truth is, 1077 01:13:24,275 --> 01:13:28,111 weed is the only thing that could ever balance me out. 1078 01:13:28,446 --> 01:13:30,489 You know what I mean? Like... 1079 01:13:33,284 --> 01:13:35,035 You okay over there? 1080 01:13:35,495 --> 01:13:36,995 Hey, old man. 1081 01:13:38,331 --> 01:13:41,416 I got the fucking munchies real bad. 1082 01:13:41,876 --> 01:13:43,418 How about you? 1083 01:13:48,174 --> 01:13:51,384 Okay, Tiffany, it's time to stop being so sad. 1084 01:13:53,346 --> 01:13:55,806 Look at all this mail you got. 1085 01:13:55,973 --> 01:13:59,184 Look how many nice people care about you. 1086 01:13:59,519 --> 01:14:02,395 You even got a package from Josh. 1087 01:14:02,647 --> 01:14:03,980 Really? 1088 01:14:04,482 --> 01:14:06,483 Should we open it and see what he sent? 1089 01:14:06,692 --> 01:14:09,319 Yeah, come on, Tif. Let's open it. 1090 01:14:12,323 --> 01:14:13,698 It's a tape. 1091 01:14:14,242 --> 01:14:16,159 Well, pop it in. 1092 01:14:16,577 --> 01:14:19,162 Maybe I should watch this on my own. 1093 01:14:19,247 --> 01:14:20,664 Oh, come on. 1094 01:14:22,875 --> 01:14:25,252 This'll definitely cheer you up. 1095 01:14:31,843 --> 01:14:34,094 What do you look for in a girl? 1096 01:14:37,181 --> 01:14:39,558 Well, let's see. She should be smart 1097 01:14:40,184 --> 01:14:43,770 and funny and... 1098 01:14:47,024 --> 01:14:48,567 That's good, too. 1099 01:14:49,902 --> 01:14:51,695 What else do you look for? 1100 01:14:52,280 --> 01:14:55,866 She should be attractive... 1101 01:14:57,076 --> 01:14:59,119 And topless. 1102 01:14:59,370 --> 01:15:02,080 And she should kiss me. 1103 01:15:17,555 --> 01:15:18,930 You boys be good, now. 1104 01:15:19,140 --> 01:15:20,765 Bye, it was great to see you. 1105 01:15:21,434 --> 01:15:23,560 I'll tell Barry you said hello. 1106 01:15:27,940 --> 01:15:32,360 Hey, Jack, have that bitch make me some blueberry pancakes right now. 1107 01:16:28,793 --> 01:16:30,794 - Excuse me. - Just a minute. 1108 01:16:31,045 --> 01:16:32,671 WWW dot 1109 01:16:32,755 --> 01:16:36,049 Episode Two slash spoilers, 1110 01:16:36,133 --> 01:16:37,384 backslash... 1111 01:16:40,304 --> 01:16:44,057 Okay, look, some people are here and they are being very rude. 1112 01:16:45,059 --> 01:16:46,685 Okay, call you back. 1113 01:16:48,354 --> 01:16:49,896 I'm sorry, but we need your help. 1114 01:16:50,064 --> 01:16:51,898 Do you know Tiffany Henderson? 1115 01:16:52,149 --> 01:16:53,358 Room 109. 1116 01:16:53,651 --> 01:16:55,568 Well, her grandfather died 1117 01:16:55,820 --> 01:16:58,196 and she asked me to pick up her mail for her. 1118 01:16:58,531 --> 01:17:01,324 How sad. Do you have the key? 1119 01:17:03,828 --> 01:17:07,831 Well, she didn't bring it to the funeral, so I was hoping that you could... 1120 01:17:08,708 --> 01:17:11,042 I'm sorry, but you need the key. 1121 01:17:11,252 --> 01:17:13,545 Don't worry. Her mail will be here, 1122 01:17:13,754 --> 01:17:15,171 safe and sound. 1123 01:17:17,008 --> 01:17:18,550 It's not like that, you see. 1124 01:17:18,634 --> 01:17:21,511 She needs something. This is an emergency. 1125 01:17:21,721 --> 01:17:24,055 Let's not make a big deal out of it, okay? 1126 01:17:24,682 --> 01:17:27,100 Well, it's not a big deal, but you need the key. 1127 01:17:27,184 --> 01:17:28,893 Rules are rules. 1128 01:17:29,562 --> 01:17:31,730 No one's asking you to do anything wrong here, man. 1129 01:17:31,939 --> 01:17:35,567 Just, you know, look away. Go have an Eskimo Pie or something. 1130 01:17:35,776 --> 01:17:37,527 You guys are going to have to leave, okay? 1131 01:17:38,070 --> 01:17:41,197 We're not leaving without that mail. 1132 01:17:41,365 --> 01:17:44,034 Listen to the man before you get some Jackie Chan happening on your face. 1133 01:17:44,243 --> 01:17:47,287 - Come on, fellows. Let's go right now. - That means now, asshole. 1134 01:17:50,875 --> 01:17:53,209 - I think he broke my nose. Oh, God. - Let me see it. 1135 01:17:55,546 --> 01:17:56,880 Come on, Susie. 1136 01:17:57,214 --> 01:17:59,049 - You're a wrestler? - You bet, Mary. 1137 01:17:59,717 --> 01:18:00,884 You want to go? 1138 01:18:01,010 --> 01:18:03,011 Let me see it. Just let me see it. 1139 01:18:10,144 --> 01:18:11,644 - Who's my bitch? - What? 1140 01:18:11,729 --> 01:18:13,063 Who's my bitch? 1141 01:18:17,610 --> 01:18:19,110 That's it. 1142 01:18:26,160 --> 01:18:28,078 Okay, everyone, freeze. 1143 01:18:28,370 --> 01:18:29,954 This here is pepper spray 1144 01:18:30,122 --> 01:18:31,915 and we will not hesitate to use it. 1145 01:18:37,630 --> 01:18:39,130 These guys jumped me. 1146 01:18:39,590 --> 01:18:41,758 I was just sitting behind my desk. 1147 01:18:41,842 --> 01:18:42,967 - What? - Kyle! 1148 01:18:43,803 --> 01:18:45,595 - Dad? - That's your dad? 1149 01:18:45,763 --> 01:18:47,806 Freeze right now. Everybody, freeze. 1150 01:18:48,641 --> 01:18:50,183 Put the weapon down now. 1151 01:18:50,434 --> 01:18:52,268 For chrissake, my son was kidnapped. 1152 01:18:53,938 --> 01:18:55,313 Who was kidnapped? 1153 01:18:55,481 --> 01:18:58,817 I wasn't kidnapped. These are my friends from school. 1154 01:19:00,444 --> 01:19:01,653 What are you talking about? 1155 01:19:03,823 --> 01:19:05,990 We all drove down here together. 1156 01:19:06,367 --> 01:19:07,534 What? 1157 01:19:08,828 --> 01:19:11,621 Then explain to me how the frigging car got blown to hell. 1158 01:19:13,374 --> 01:19:14,374 Well, see... 1159 01:19:14,542 --> 01:19:15,834 It was stolen. 1160 01:19:16,293 --> 01:19:18,670 That's right. It was stolen. Tell him, Kyle. Wasn't it? 1161 01:19:19,296 --> 01:19:20,672 Exactly. 1162 01:19:20,881 --> 01:19:22,090 Stolen? 1163 01:19:23,634 --> 01:19:25,552 What about the damn credit card? 1164 01:19:26,971 --> 01:19:30,056 It was in the glove compartment and that was stolen, too. 1165 01:19:30,307 --> 01:19:32,976 Oh, bullcrap! This is ridiculous! 1166 01:19:33,144 --> 01:19:34,978 Why didn't you tell us where you were? 1167 01:19:35,146 --> 01:19:37,772 Because I knew you'd get mad. See, look how mad you are. 1168 01:19:37,857 --> 01:19:38,898 I'm not mad! 1169 01:19:39,108 --> 01:19:41,025 Come on, you're going with me. Outside, in the car. 1170 01:19:43,445 --> 01:19:44,487 Tiffany. 1171 01:19:44,947 --> 01:19:46,781 What the... What's going on? 1172 01:19:47,116 --> 01:19:48,366 Nothing. 1173 01:19:48,492 --> 01:19:50,493 Damn, dude, she is hot. 1174 01:19:51,829 --> 01:19:54,998 Ben, my girlfriend's paging me. Can we let these people go? 1175 01:19:55,207 --> 01:19:56,499 - It's a good idea. - I like him. 1176 01:19:56,709 --> 01:19:57,917 No one is going anywhere. 1177 01:19:58,169 --> 01:19:59,836 Bullshit, junior. He's coming with me. 1178 01:20:00,087 --> 01:20:01,379 Get off of me. 1179 01:20:02,339 --> 01:20:04,090 I'm going back with these guys. 1180 01:20:04,925 --> 01:20:06,718 You shut your mouth and you don't talk back to me. 1181 01:20:06,969 --> 01:20:08,178 Why don't you shut up? 1182 01:20:08,679 --> 01:20:11,014 What the hell did you just say to me? 1183 01:20:11,182 --> 01:20:13,266 I said, "You shut up." 1184 01:20:13,392 --> 01:20:16,561 All my life you've been telling me to stand up for myself. 1185 01:20:16,687 --> 01:20:20,523 Well, now I am. So leave me alone, you jerk. 1186 01:20:22,359 --> 01:20:23,860 Why, you ungrateful little... 1187 01:20:30,367 --> 01:20:32,118 Go away! Go away! 1188 01:20:36,207 --> 01:20:39,876 What was that all about? Josh, what are you doing here? 1189 01:20:40,377 --> 01:20:42,212 I just miss you. That's all. 1190 01:20:42,838 --> 01:20:47,383 I miss you too, but it's crazy for you to drive here because you miss me. 1191 01:20:48,219 --> 01:20:50,845 Why? I thought you'd be glad to see me. 1192 01:20:51,055 --> 01:20:53,389 I am glad to see you, but... 1193 01:20:53,557 --> 01:20:56,142 Josh, you have your entire life to live up at school. 1194 01:20:56,227 --> 01:20:57,727 This isn't healthy. 1195 01:20:58,062 --> 01:20:59,062 Besides... 1196 01:21:00,648 --> 01:21:03,483 I realized a few things this past week, you know? 1197 01:21:03,692 --> 01:21:04,859 You did? 1198 01:21:05,069 --> 01:21:08,905 - Like what? - Like we're in college. 1199 01:21:09,657 --> 01:21:13,743 The window of opportunity to go out and have fun and 1200 01:21:13,911 --> 01:21:15,662 meet new people 1201 01:21:15,913 --> 01:21:18,248 is getting smaller by the day. 1202 01:21:19,416 --> 01:21:21,709 - It is? - Come on, Josh. 1203 01:21:21,919 --> 01:21:23,920 We've been together forever. 1204 01:21:24,171 --> 01:21:27,382 I mean, you're pretty much the only guy I've ever been with. 1205 01:21:28,425 --> 01:21:30,677 What do you mean, "Pretty much the only guy"? 1206 01:21:31,262 --> 01:21:34,180 Well, I was 14 and you were away at camp. 1207 01:21:34,265 --> 01:21:35,640 But that was years ago. 1208 01:21:36,225 --> 01:21:38,101 Besides, we were in different area codes. 1209 01:21:41,939 --> 01:21:44,774 You know what? I've been thinking a lot about us, too. 1210 01:21:47,403 --> 01:21:49,279 The real reason I drove down here... 1211 01:21:49,446 --> 01:21:50,780 Hold that thought. 1212 01:21:55,077 --> 01:21:56,286 Hello? 1213 01:21:58,122 --> 01:21:59,789 Yeah, he's right here. 1214 01:22:00,291 --> 01:22:01,791 Who is this? 1215 01:22:02,459 --> 01:22:03,751 Hold on. 1216 01:22:04,586 --> 01:22:05,962 It's for you. 1217 01:22:06,297 --> 01:22:07,297 It's Beth. 1218 01:22:09,466 --> 01:22:10,967 Who's Beth? 1219 01:22:17,599 --> 01:22:18,641 What are you doing? 1220 01:22:19,643 --> 01:22:21,811 I'm not sure what's going on between us, 1221 01:22:21,895 --> 01:22:23,980 but I need to tell you something. 1222 01:22:24,481 --> 01:22:28,776 I'm actually glad you called, because I wanted to tell you something. 1223 01:22:29,862 --> 01:22:31,404 Okay, you first. 1224 01:22:32,156 --> 01:22:33,656 I can't really talk about it right now. 1225 01:22:33,741 --> 01:22:36,492 But I promise I will explain everything when I get back. 1226 01:22:37,328 --> 01:22:39,329 Really. I promise. 1227 01:22:40,581 --> 01:22:42,332 I got to get going, though. Okay? 1228 01:22:42,499 --> 01:22:44,250 Wait, wait. Don't you want to hear mine? 1229 01:22:44,585 --> 01:22:46,002 Right. Sorry. 1230 01:22:46,837 --> 01:22:47,837 Is it good? 1231 01:22:48,172 --> 01:22:49,630 Not really. 1232 01:22:49,840 --> 01:22:53,343 Jacob lied to you. There's no extension on your midterm. 1233 01:22:53,510 --> 01:22:55,845 - What? - He tried to trick you. 1234 01:22:56,013 --> 01:22:57,263 If you don't get back, you fail. 1235 01:22:57,348 --> 01:22:59,015 What do you look for in a girl? 1236 01:22:59,266 --> 01:23:00,683 Shit. 1237 01:23:00,851 --> 01:23:02,018 She should be smart, 1238 01:23:02,186 --> 01:23:04,520 and funny and... 1239 01:23:04,688 --> 01:23:07,690 - Aren't you glad I called? - Yes, thank you, Beth. 1240 01:23:07,941 --> 01:23:09,817 I'll call you as soon as I get back. 1241 01:23:10,027 --> 01:23:11,319 Okay, bye. 1242 01:23:11,862 --> 01:23:13,363 This for me? 1243 01:23:14,281 --> 01:23:16,366 God, no, no! You don't want... 1244 01:23:24,291 --> 01:23:27,210 - What the hell is this? - Rubin, I can see myself on the TV. 1245 01:23:27,378 --> 01:23:29,212 I think the tape must be rewound. 1246 01:23:29,713 --> 01:23:31,047 It's Barry. 1247 01:23:31,215 --> 01:23:32,215 Hey, look. 1248 01:23:33,092 --> 01:23:35,051 Look at that. You can see my bum. 1249 01:23:39,723 --> 01:23:42,058 - Why would you send this to me? - So, wait. 1250 01:23:42,559 --> 01:23:46,854 You guys broke up, then you hugged and then you left? 1251 01:23:47,064 --> 01:23:48,981 Yeah. Pretty much. 1252 01:23:49,441 --> 01:23:54,153 Loser. You always have sex with a girl one last time before you break up. 1253 01:23:54,405 --> 01:23:56,072 Everyone knows that. 1254 01:23:56,240 --> 01:23:58,825 It's not like that. I've known her my whole life. 1255 01:23:59,034 --> 01:24:00,576 She's my best friend. 1256 01:24:00,744 --> 01:24:03,579 So, what do we do now? 1257 01:24:03,914 --> 01:24:06,749 - You guys want to smoke some drugs? - I don't think so, Kyle. 1258 01:24:07,000 --> 01:24:11,921 My midterm starts in exactly 46 hours, so I got to get back. 1259 01:24:12,089 --> 01:24:15,174 Although I'm going to fail anyways, so it doesn't really matter, but... 1260 01:24:15,426 --> 01:24:18,886 - Which class was it? - Ancient philosophy. 1261 01:24:19,430 --> 01:24:22,515 I could teach you ancient philosophy in 46 hours. 1262 01:24:22,724 --> 01:24:24,016 - You can? - Yeah. 1263 01:24:24,101 --> 01:24:26,477 I could teach Japanese to a monkey in 46 hours. 1264 01:24:26,562 --> 01:24:29,355 The key's just finding a way to relate to the material. 1265 01:24:30,524 --> 01:24:31,941 Like, okay. 1266 01:24:32,401 --> 01:24:35,027 - You like pro wrestling, don't you? - Who doesn't? 1267 01:24:35,112 --> 01:24:38,948 Socrates, he was like the Vince McMahon of philosophy. 1268 01:24:39,199 --> 01:24:40,783 He started it all. 1269 01:25:10,731 --> 01:25:12,482 What was the Twenty-Man Battle Royal? 1270 01:25:12,983 --> 01:25:16,402 Participation explains predication. Aristotle's "one over many" argument. 1271 01:25:16,653 --> 01:25:17,653 Right. 1272 01:25:17,821 --> 01:25:20,656 You know this. You'll be fine. 1273 01:25:29,166 --> 01:25:31,501 Freeze right there. Don't move. 1274 01:25:32,294 --> 01:25:34,003 Is this philosophy? 1275 01:25:36,673 --> 01:25:38,591 If you hear anything, give me a call. 1276 01:25:38,926 --> 01:25:42,595 Bomb threat is serious business. It's a felony. Here, take my card. 1277 01:25:49,019 --> 01:25:50,520 Okay, let's move it. 1278 01:25:50,729 --> 01:25:52,605 What's going on with this bomb threat? 1279 01:25:52,689 --> 01:25:54,232 False alarm, people. 1280 01:25:54,316 --> 01:25:56,651 Everyone, back inside. 1281 01:25:56,860 --> 01:25:59,153 We're going to do this thing. 1282 01:25:59,696 --> 01:26:00,988 That's right. 1283 01:26:19,383 --> 01:26:20,675 Beth. 1284 01:26:23,679 --> 01:26:25,638 Thanks for calling. 1285 01:26:26,765 --> 01:26:28,975 It's been a really weird week. 1286 01:26:30,852 --> 01:26:32,770 So how'd you do? 1287 01:26:33,814 --> 01:26:35,856 On the exam? Pretty good, actually. 1288 01:26:36,066 --> 01:26:37,400 You did? 1289 01:26:38,360 --> 01:26:39,819 Were you surprised? 1290 01:26:43,073 --> 01:26:46,576 You weren't back in time for the exam, so I 1291 01:26:46,660 --> 01:26:48,494 called in a bomb threat. 1292 01:26:49,913 --> 01:26:50,913 You did? 1293 01:26:52,583 --> 01:26:53,749 That's insane. 1294 01:26:53,834 --> 01:26:56,961 I wasn't going to let Jacob get you kicked out of school. 1295 01:26:57,254 --> 01:27:01,048 Besides, I might need you around next semester. 1296 01:27:02,426 --> 01:27:04,260 So I did good, right? 1297 01:27:04,428 --> 01:27:05,595 Good? 1298 01:27:06,972 --> 01:27:10,266 That's the coolest thing anyone's ever done for me. 1299 01:27:25,115 --> 01:27:26,282 Mom? 1300 01:27:30,454 --> 01:27:31,662 I'm so sorry. 1301 01:27:33,123 --> 01:27:34,415 Mom? 1302 01:27:34,541 --> 01:27:36,334 I got carried away with the story. 1303 01:27:42,132 --> 01:27:46,719 So anyway, Josh got a B plus on his midterm. He got to stay in college. 1304 01:27:46,970 --> 01:27:50,014 And I'm happy to report that he and Beth are still together. 1305 01:27:50,098 --> 01:27:53,768 They're still really into making their home movies. 1306 01:27:53,977 --> 01:27:57,438 In fact, they have about 70 hours of unedited amateur video. 1307 01:27:57,814 --> 01:27:59,357 It's pretty wild. 1308 01:27:59,566 --> 01:28:02,276 I know, because I bought some of it on eBay. 1309 01:28:03,320 --> 01:28:04,320 That guy, Jacob... 1310 01:28:04,571 --> 01:28:05,738 He left school. 1311 01:28:05,822 --> 01:28:08,908 He went on to become the leader of some cult out in lowa. 1312 01:28:09,242 --> 01:28:12,161 Eventually he tried organizing a mass suicide. 1313 01:28:13,121 --> 01:28:15,790 Only problem is he drank the Kool-Aid first and... 1314 01:28:16,083 --> 01:28:19,460 Well, afterwards everyone else just kind of changed their minds. 1315 01:28:21,171 --> 01:28:22,421 Too bad. 1316 01:28:23,006 --> 01:28:24,465 As for Rubin... 1317 01:28:24,675 --> 01:28:25,841 Remember Rubin? 1318 01:28:26,343 --> 01:28:29,637 Remember how he always claimed that he was destined for great things? 1319 01:28:29,971 --> 01:28:31,972 Something tells me the people of Earth are going to need me. 1320 01:28:32,265 --> 01:28:34,392 Well, he was right. 1321 01:28:34,810 --> 01:28:38,938 Rubin used cross-pollination to develop a strain of marijuana, 1322 01:28:39,022 --> 01:28:40,898 that is not only remarkably potent, 1323 01:28:41,024 --> 01:28:45,569 but also completely undetectable by any of today's standard drug tests. 1324 01:28:45,696 --> 01:28:47,196 Oh, my God. 1325 01:28:47,364 --> 01:28:50,533 He was named High Times' Man of the Year. 1326 01:28:52,953 --> 01:28:54,245 As for E.L., 1327 01:28:54,329 --> 01:28:58,457 despite his swinging philosophy on sexuality, 1328 01:28:58,542 --> 01:29:00,626 he got pretty serious with some girl he met. 1329 01:29:00,711 --> 01:29:04,004 And you want me to use two fingers? 1330 01:29:04,172 --> 01:29:07,216 - I believe she was premed. - Did I say two? 1331 01:29:07,718 --> 01:29:09,301 Better make it three. 1332 01:29:10,971 --> 01:29:12,054 Then there's Kyle. 1333 01:29:12,556 --> 01:29:15,057 Kyle and his father reconciled their differences. 1334 01:29:15,475 --> 01:29:18,310 Hi, Dad. Merry Christmas. 1335 01:29:18,395 --> 01:29:20,396 He brought his new girlfriend home to meet his parents. 1336 01:29:21,815 --> 01:29:23,858 Rhonda, this is my father, Earl. 1337 01:29:24,151 --> 01:29:25,443 Dad, this is Rhonda. 1338 01:29:25,902 --> 01:29:27,570 Merry Christmas, Dad. 1339 01:29:27,821 --> 01:29:29,071 Come here. 1340 01:29:33,577 --> 01:29:34,702 That's the end of the tour. 1341 01:29:34,786 --> 01:29:37,163 Okay, I hope each of you 1342 01:29:37,247 --> 01:29:40,082 strongly considers becoming part of the lthaca tradition, 1343 01:29:40,459 --> 01:29:43,127 as we lead future generations of young men and women 1344 01:29:43,211 --> 01:29:45,546 forward into the new century. 1345 01:29:45,756 --> 01:29:47,923 Thanks a lot. You guys were great. Thanks. 1346 01:29:48,091 --> 01:29:49,341 Thank you so much. 1347 01:29:49,426 --> 01:29:51,844 - No, it was good. It was fun. - Thank you so much. 1348 01:29:51,928 --> 01:29:56,015 - I'll see you in the fall. Definitely. - Thanks. Okay. Thank you. 1349 01:29:56,099 --> 01:29:59,268 I'd just like to say thank you. 1350 01:29:59,519 --> 01:30:03,189 I mean, that was really great. 1351 01:30:03,482 --> 01:30:06,776 Thank you. 1352 01:30:13,950 --> 01:30:15,159 Mom?