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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[TV static drones]
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[bright tone]
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[subway whirring, rattling]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[subway screeching]
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- I'm coming to terms
with the idea
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that my brain
does not work good.
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00:00:40,458 --> 00:00:42,417
Me and my wife were walking
down the street the other day,
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and an old woman's
walking towards us.
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We're holding hands, right?
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00:00:45,583 --> 00:00:48,500
We're just having a nice walk
right down the street.
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00:00:48,583 --> 00:00:51,041
And my wife goes,
"Oh, look how cute she is"
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And in my head, at the same
exact time, I was thinking,
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00:00:53,125 --> 00:00:57,458
"Yo, we should clothesline
this bitch."
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00:00:57,542 --> 00:00:59,750
And I wasn't gonna do it,
but it's just funny.
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00:00:59,834 --> 00:01:02,959
It's funny
to clothesline an old woman.
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00:01:03,041 --> 00:01:04,083
It's funny.
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00:01:04,166 --> 00:01:06,250
Said it to my wife.
She didn't think it was funny.
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00:01:06,333 --> 00:01:07,875
Not at all.
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00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:09,417
She was like,
"Don't tell people that."
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00:01:09,500 --> 00:01:11,917
I was like,
"I'm gonna say it onstage."
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00:01:14,792 --> 00:01:16,125
She's like,
"Do you hate old people?"
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00:01:16,208 --> 00:01:18,041
And I'm thinking about it.
Come on, right?
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00:01:18,125 --> 00:01:19,792
Kind of, sort of.
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00:01:19,875 --> 00:01:22,750
We don't need 'em anymore.
We don't--
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00:01:22,834 --> 00:01:25,583
Come on, after pandem--
We don't need them.
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00:01:25,667 --> 00:01:29,667
What do they know about crypto?
They know nothing about crypto.
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00:01:29,750 --> 00:01:32,125
They know nothing!
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00:01:32,208 --> 00:01:34,542
People say they're wise.
They're not wise.
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00:01:34,625 --> 00:01:37,166
Think about the stories
that your grandfather told you.
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00:01:37,250 --> 00:01:38,458
You were like, "Oh, he's wise."
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00:01:38,542 --> 00:01:41,166
Think back on them.
He ain't wise.
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00:01:41,250 --> 00:01:43,000
My grandfather used to
tell us the same story,
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00:01:43,083 --> 00:01:44,166
like, every Thanksgiving.
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He would carry his books
underneath his arm to school
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00:01:46,208 --> 00:01:47,709
every day with his boys, right?
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00:01:47,792 --> 00:01:49,375
Him and his boys
would just carry books
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00:01:49,458 --> 00:01:50,750
underneath their arm.
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00:01:50,834 --> 00:01:52,125
And then one day,
Grandpa was like,
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00:01:52,208 --> 00:01:54,291
"Yeah, yeah, we should
put a belt around the books,
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00:01:54,375 --> 00:01:55,834
and it'd be easier to carry."
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00:01:55,917 --> 00:01:58,542
And he told that story
with his chest out, with pride,
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00:01:58,625 --> 00:02:00,250
like that was a smart story.
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00:02:00,333 --> 00:02:01,583
And now I look back on it,
I'm like,
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00:02:01,667 --> 00:02:03,458
"I think Grandpa
might've been dumb."
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00:02:03,542 --> 00:02:04,750
I do.
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00:02:04,834 --> 00:02:06,583
First of all,
you're older than bags.
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00:02:06,667 --> 00:02:08,875
Let's talk about that.
You're older--
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00:02:08,959 --> 00:02:12,208
How are you older than bags?
You're older than bags?
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00:02:12,291 --> 00:02:14,583
Second of all, you didn't
even think to make bags.
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00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:16,458
How fucking dumb are you?
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00:02:16,542 --> 00:02:17,875
I grew up poor in Queens.
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00:02:17,959 --> 00:02:20,041
We could've been
living off that bag money.
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00:02:21,959 --> 00:02:25,417
We just don't need them.
We don't.
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00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:27,709
They can't even remember
their Apple IDs.
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00:02:27,792 --> 00:02:32,542
Have you asked an old person
what their Apple ID is?
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00:02:32,625 --> 00:02:34,917
They never know.
"My phone won't update."
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No, you're obsolete.
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00:02:38,458 --> 00:02:40,750
We don't need you anymore.
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00:02:40,834 --> 00:02:43,834
Why is your font this big?
They let you drive like that?
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00:02:43,917 --> 00:02:45,959
They let you drive?
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00:02:49,875 --> 00:02:53,125
Joe Biden--listen, I know
nothing about politics.
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00:02:53,208 --> 00:02:54,542
I know nothing.
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00:02:54,625 --> 00:02:57,625
But that man is too old.
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00:02:57,709 --> 00:02:59,583
He is way too old.
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00:02:59,667 --> 00:03:04,250
Do you know he's older than
the song "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah"?
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00:03:04,333 --> 00:03:06,667
That's not even a joke,
it's a straight fact.
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00:03:06,750 --> 00:03:09,875
He's older than the song
"Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah."
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00:03:09,959 --> 00:03:11,709
Think about that.
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00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:14,041
That means him and his friends
were just listening to music
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one day like,
"Yo, this shit slaps.
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00:03:17,834 --> 00:03:19,625
"What the fuck is this?
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00:03:19,709 --> 00:03:21,667
What the fuck is this, Joe?"
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00:03:21,750 --> 00:03:26,333
And Joe was like, "That's
'Zip-a-Dee-fucking-Doo-Dah.'"
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00:03:26,417 --> 00:03:29,291
That's way too old
to be president.
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00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:32,750
That's way too old.
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00:03:32,834 --> 00:03:36,834
A song last year went number
one called "Wet Ass Pussy."
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00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:37,875
And we have
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00:03:37,959 --> 00:03:40,917
a "Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah" ass
president...
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00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:44,709
during a "Wet Ass Pussy" era.
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00:03:44,792 --> 00:03:45,834
Don't look at me like that.
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00:03:45,917 --> 00:03:49,000
I didn't vote for Trump.
I feel it. I didn't.
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00:03:49,083 --> 00:03:51,083
I voted for Kanye.
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00:03:53,125 --> 00:03:54,834
I don't agree
with what he says,
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00:03:54,917 --> 00:03:57,792
but he knows
what a "Wet Ass Pussy" is.
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00:03:57,875 --> 00:04:00,125
And that's how I vote.
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00:04:02,583 --> 00:04:04,625
I also--like, I don't know.
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00:04:04,709 --> 00:04:08,208
I have a tough time jumping on
ideas everybody wants to push.
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00:04:08,291 --> 00:04:09,792
I don't want
to defund the police.
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00:04:09,875 --> 00:04:12,125
I don't want
to defund the police at all.
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00:04:12,208 --> 00:04:13,417
I really don't.
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00:04:13,500 --> 00:04:14,417
Born and raised in the city.
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00:04:14,500 --> 00:04:16,166
Lot of my friends
are police officers.
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00:04:16,250 --> 00:04:18,166
And then on top of it,
something happened to me
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00:04:18,250 --> 00:04:20,500
two Sundays ago
that's never happened to me
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00:04:20,583 --> 00:04:23,667
the whole entire time I've ever
lived in this city, okay?
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00:04:23,750 --> 00:04:26,500
I lived through Sandy,
I lived through 9/11,
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00:04:26,583 --> 00:04:28,625
the pandemic, the blackouts,
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00:04:28,709 --> 00:04:30,834
and two weeks ago,
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00:04:30,917 --> 00:04:33,125
I was standing on 6th Avenue,
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00:04:33,208 --> 00:04:37,458
and a pigeon
flew into the side of my head.
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00:04:37,542 --> 00:04:39,875
That doesn't happen.
That shit's crazy.
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00:04:39,959 --> 00:04:41,125
Know how I know it's crazy?
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00:04:41,208 --> 00:04:43,291
A guy screamed,
"That was fucking crazy!"
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00:04:43,375 --> 00:04:44,792
I was like, "Sir,
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00:04:44,875 --> 00:04:46,291
"can you please
not call attention
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"to what just happened to me?
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"I'm very confused
about what's going on
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00:04:50,375 --> 00:04:52,500
in this situation right now."
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00:04:52,583 --> 00:04:54,917
I didn't believe it.
That doesn't happen.
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00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:59,750
I thought somebody wrapped
a piece of meat in newspaper...
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00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:02,041
and threw it
at the side of my head.
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00:05:02,125 --> 00:05:03,375
That's what I believed
happened.
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00:05:03,458 --> 00:05:06,125
That made more sense to me
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00:05:06,208 --> 00:05:10,875
than a pigeon flying
into the side of my head.
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What do you do? What do you do?
What do I do?
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00:05:15,041 --> 00:05:17,166
I mean, a bat
just took out the world.
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00:05:20,875 --> 00:05:23,333
A pigeon is basically
a day bat, right?
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00:05:23,417 --> 00:05:26,834
Like, that's just a day bat.
It's just as dirty.
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00:05:26,917 --> 00:05:29,750
This thing hit me in the face.
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00:05:29,834 --> 00:05:32,625
I called my doctor.
That's what I did.
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00:05:32,709 --> 00:05:34,542
I called my doctor.
He's like, "Ricky, it's Sunday.
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00:05:34,625 --> 00:05:36,208
I can't give you
any more Klonopin."
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00:05:36,291 --> 00:05:38,041
I was like,
"It's not about that.
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00:05:38,125 --> 00:05:39,917
It's not about that."
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00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:43,458
I was like, "A pigeon hit me
in the fucking face."
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00:05:43,542 --> 00:05:46,542
And he was like, "We need
more police out there."
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00:05:50,959 --> 00:05:52,000
Then he turned to me and goes,
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00:05:52,083 --> 00:05:54,000
"You're good as long as
you didn't eat it."
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00:05:54,083 --> 00:05:55,583
That's what he said to me.
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00:05:55,667 --> 00:05:57,291
I was like, "I'll be the one
that tells the jokes
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00:05:57,375 --> 00:05:59,959
"in this relationship.
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00:06:00,041 --> 00:06:02,709
Thank you very much."
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00:06:02,792 --> 00:06:06,375
And then I went home,
and I just broke down.
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00:06:06,458 --> 00:06:08,542
I did, because I smoked
a bunch of weed,
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00:06:08,625 --> 00:06:11,959
and I went from high
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00:06:12,041 --> 00:06:15,333
to paranoid to depressed.
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00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:18,041
It was so pathetic.
It was just like--
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00:06:18,125 --> 00:06:19,458
Because I got high,
and then I was like,
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00:06:19,542 --> 00:06:22,208
[chuckles] "It's funny,
I got hit with a pigeon."
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00:06:22,291 --> 00:06:23,792
Like there's something funny
to being hit
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00:06:23,875 --> 00:06:26,625
in the fucking head
with a pigeon.
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00:06:26,709 --> 00:06:29,834
And then I got too high,
and then I got worried
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00:06:29,917 --> 00:06:33,667
that this might be
a Spider-Man situation...
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00:06:35,458 --> 00:06:38,417
And now I'm half Ricky,
half pigeon...
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00:06:40,500 --> 00:06:44,792
And I walk around the city
all day eating garbage,
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00:06:44,875 --> 00:06:48,250
and I do comedy at night.
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00:06:48,333 --> 00:06:50,250
And I got depressed,
because I was like,
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00:06:50,333 --> 00:06:53,750
"Fuck, that's already my life.
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00:06:53,834 --> 00:06:57,417
I've been living like a pigeon
for way too long."
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00:07:02,583 --> 00:07:04,500
It's exhausting being me.
153
00:07:07,041 --> 00:07:08,834
I love America.
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00:07:08,917 --> 00:07:11,000
I, like, like it a lot.
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00:07:11,083 --> 00:07:13,125
I know it's--'cause, like,
people don't say it
156
00:07:13,208 --> 00:07:15,083
like I say it no more,
but I like it.
157
00:07:15,166 --> 00:07:17,834
I fuck with America hard...
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00:07:17,917 --> 00:07:19,792
'cause I've been to other
places, and the thing was,
159
00:07:19,875 --> 00:07:22,041
I stayed in America
until I was 26 years old.
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00:07:22,125 --> 00:07:24,125
Didn't leave that shit.
161
00:07:24,208 --> 00:07:26,417
Then I got this job,
they started sending me places.
162
00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:29,542
I got to go to these
weird-ass spots.
163
00:07:29,625 --> 00:07:31,000
Europe? Fuck Europe.
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00:07:31,083 --> 00:07:32,709
If you like Europe,
you're goofy as shit,
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00:07:32,792 --> 00:07:34,375
and I don't like you.
166
00:07:34,458 --> 00:07:36,500
You're goofy, you're goofy.
167
00:07:36,583 --> 00:07:38,458
You eat meals this big,
"I am full."
168
00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:41,500
No, you're not.
You're not full.
169
00:07:41,583 --> 00:07:43,709
I went to
the Cheesecake Factory today.
170
00:07:43,792 --> 00:07:46,417
This morning I went
to the Cheesecake Factory.
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00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:48,166
I know full.
172
00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:53,542
They tried to rob me.
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00:07:53,625 --> 00:07:55,417
They don't even rob you
like America in Europe.
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00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:57,375
They don't even rob--
they don't know how to do it.
175
00:07:57,458 --> 00:07:59,542
They're fucking weird.
They're weirdos.
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00:07:59,625 --> 00:08:01,458
They don't do gun, knife,
"Give me your stuff."
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00:08:01,542 --> 00:08:03,083
They got these things
called gypsies,
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00:08:03,166 --> 00:08:05,959
they carry fake babies.
179
00:08:06,041 --> 00:08:07,000
Yeah, and then they wait
180
00:08:07,083 --> 00:08:09,083
till you're drunk and high
outside of a museum,
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00:08:09,166 --> 00:08:10,959
and then they throw
a fake baby at you
182
00:08:11,041 --> 00:08:12,208
and try to steal your bookbag.
183
00:08:12,291 --> 00:08:14,542
That's a weird way
to rob somebody.
184
00:08:14,625 --> 00:08:16,875
That's very odd.
185
00:08:16,959 --> 00:08:18,458
I'm a half Puerto Rican.
186
00:08:18,542 --> 00:08:20,542
I'm not allowed to catch
a baby that's not mine.
187
00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:22,834
I'm not allowed.
It's against the rules.
188
00:08:22,917 --> 00:08:25,500
I chest-bumped
that motherfucker, right?
189
00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:33,166
I kicked it.
I did, I kicked it.
190
00:08:33,250 --> 00:08:37,041
I said "goal"
because they like that.
191
00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:38,583
"Goal!"
192
00:08:42,125 --> 00:08:44,125
They send me everywhere.
193
00:08:44,208 --> 00:08:46,709
I don't want to go nowhere.
194
00:08:46,792 --> 00:08:49,000
They sent me
to the Dominican Republic.
195
00:08:49,083 --> 00:08:50,917
It was supposed to be great
because that was supposed
196
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:52,875
to be, like,
kind of a vacation, right?
197
00:08:52,959 --> 00:08:54,917
Brought my wife with me,
thought that was a good idea.
198
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,875
Nope.
199
00:08:56,959 --> 00:08:57,959
Not a good idea.
200
00:08:58,041 --> 00:08:59,542
Oh, by the way,
I'm Irish and Puerto Rican.
201
00:08:59,625 --> 00:09:01,750
That's my mix.
That's what it is.
202
00:09:01,834 --> 00:09:04,959
[audience cheers]
No, no, no, no.
203
00:09:05,041 --> 00:09:08,000
No, those people
should not hang out.
204
00:09:11,375 --> 00:09:13,458
Irish and Puerto Rican--
I'm just happy I'm not gay
205
00:09:13,542 --> 00:09:16,458
because that's way too many
parades to go to.
206
00:09:18,709 --> 00:09:21,458
Yo, where's Ricky at?
He got another parade, dog.
207
00:09:21,542 --> 00:09:24,291
He can't chill.
Sundays aren't good for him.
208
00:09:24,375 --> 00:09:27,083
Don't hit him up on Sundays.
He parades a lot.
209
00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:30,125
If you need him, he's on 5th.
You go if you need him.
210
00:09:32,709 --> 00:09:34,542
So they send me
to the Dominican Republic.
211
00:09:34,625 --> 00:09:35,834
Me and my wife go.
212
00:09:35,917 --> 00:09:37,583
We think it's gonna be
a good old time.
213
00:09:37,667 --> 00:09:39,333
Gonna do a couple shows,
hang out.
214
00:09:39,417 --> 00:09:40,542
But they don't tell you--
215
00:09:40,625 --> 00:09:43,458
when you go to
the Dominican Republic,
216
00:09:43,542 --> 00:09:46,583
they don't tell you that when
you stay at a resort, right?
217
00:09:46,667 --> 00:09:49,000
The drug dealers
aren't allowed on the beach,
218
00:09:49,083 --> 00:09:51,291
so they hang out in the ocean.
219
00:09:53,709 --> 00:09:55,333
Y'all seem like
that's some normal shit.
220
00:09:55,417 --> 00:09:57,667
I was not ready for that.
221
00:09:57,750 --> 00:10:00,834
I went for a swim,
this Dominican just popped up.
222
00:10:00,917 --> 00:10:03,041
He didn't come from the side.
He came from underneath.
223
00:10:03,125 --> 00:10:04,542
He came up. "Hello!"
224
00:10:04,625 --> 00:10:06,709
I was like, "Whoa!
225
00:10:06,792 --> 00:10:10,291
Why we so close
in the ocean right now?"
226
00:10:10,375 --> 00:10:12,625
He was like, "I'm a drug
dealer, papi, what's good?"
227
00:10:12,709 --> 00:10:14,041
I was like, "What?"
228
00:10:14,125 --> 00:10:15,500
He goes, "I got women, too!"
229
00:10:15,583 --> 00:10:19,000
I was like, "In the ocean?
You got women in the ocean?"
230
00:10:19,083 --> 00:10:20,875
I was like,
"I need weed, I need weed.
231
00:10:20,959 --> 00:10:22,291
I would love some weed."
232
00:10:22,375 --> 00:10:24,625
And he was like,
"All right, $40 a gram."
233
00:10:24,709 --> 00:10:26,917
And I don't know if you guys
know anything about weed.
234
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,041
That's--that's--
that's a bad price.
235
00:10:29,125 --> 00:10:32,667
That's--that is not good.
236
00:10:32,750 --> 00:10:34,375
I was like,
"Listen, man, I don't know
237
00:10:34,458 --> 00:10:38,667
"what the influx
of the ocean prices are...
238
00:10:38,750 --> 00:10:41,041
but $20, or I'm out."
239
00:10:41,125 --> 00:10:42,500
And he was like,
"All right, be out."
240
00:10:42,583 --> 00:10:43,750
And then I was like,
"Nah, time-out.
241
00:10:43,834 --> 00:10:45,917
You swam up to me. You be out."
242
00:10:48,625 --> 00:10:50,000
And he's like,
"Nah, this is my area.
243
00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:51,000
Everybody knows that."
244
00:10:51,083 --> 00:10:52,709
I was like,
"What the fuck you mean?
245
00:10:52,792 --> 00:10:53,959
"This isn't the block.
246
00:10:54,041 --> 00:10:55,875
"What the fuck
are you talking about?"
247
00:10:55,959 --> 00:10:58,500
Like you know
your longitude, latitude.
248
00:11:01,625 --> 00:11:03,709
And next thing you know,
I swam away from a drug dealer.
249
00:11:03,792 --> 00:11:05,625
I swam--
250
00:11:05,709 --> 00:11:07,834
I don't know if you've ever
swam away from a drug dealer,
251
00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:11,208
but I didn't do it normal,
definitely not.
252
00:11:11,291 --> 00:11:13,750
'Cause I'm suspicious
of everybody.
253
00:11:13,834 --> 00:11:15,291
He's a drug dealer.
I'm not turning my--
254
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:16,917
I'm not swimming away
like that.
255
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,750
I'm not turning my back,
so I just...
256
00:11:23,333 --> 00:11:25,166
I even splashed him
with the third one.
257
00:11:25,250 --> 00:11:27,959
"Fuck you, $40 a gram."
258
00:11:30,417 --> 00:11:31,625
I got back to the beach.
259
00:11:31,709 --> 00:11:35,875
My wife's like,
"Who you hanging out with...
260
00:11:35,959 --> 00:11:37,709
in the ocean?"
261
00:11:39,959 --> 00:11:42,875
I was like, "I make friends.
People like me.
262
00:11:42,959 --> 00:11:45,709
Leave me alone."
263
00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:47,667
We go and chill.
We go and chill on the beach.
264
00:11:47,750 --> 00:11:49,875
I put in my headphones.
My wife starts reading a book,
265
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:52,625
which I think is weird.
266
00:11:52,709 --> 00:11:57,125
It's weird. It's 2021,
you should just listen to it.
267
00:11:57,208 --> 00:11:58,166
I'm dyslexic.
268
00:11:58,250 --> 00:12:00,458
My wife reads in front of me,
that's triggering.
269
00:12:02,875 --> 00:12:05,709
Think about that
the next time you read a book.
270
00:12:05,792 --> 00:12:08,709
You're hurting my feelings.
271
00:12:13,667 --> 00:12:15,625
So next thing you know,
272
00:12:15,709 --> 00:12:17,750
I go back,
I'm sitting on the beach.
273
00:12:17,834 --> 00:12:19,542
I got the headphones in,
wife reading.
274
00:12:19,625 --> 00:12:22,250
And same Dominican...
275
00:12:22,333 --> 00:12:24,417
Mad people on the beach,
but same Dominican swims out
276
00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:26,583
right in front
of me and my wife, right?
277
00:12:26,667 --> 00:12:29,750
And just starts screaming,
"$20, I'll do it!"
278
00:12:33,125 --> 00:12:36,166
"$20, I'll do it!"
279
00:12:36,250 --> 00:12:37,417
My wife shakes me.
280
00:12:37,500 --> 00:12:43,041
She's like,
"Your friend from the ocean"...
281
00:12:43,125 --> 00:12:46,208
"Wants to do something
for $20."
282
00:12:49,417 --> 00:12:52,333
I was like, "Baby,
you're not gonna believe this,
283
00:12:52,417 --> 00:12:54,792
but that's
an ocean drug dealer."
284
00:12:56,625 --> 00:12:59,583
"Can I borrow $20?"
285
00:12:59,667 --> 00:13:02,166
My wife gave me $100 bill.
She said, "Bring me change."
286
00:13:02,250 --> 00:13:05,625
I'm like, "It's the ocean.
287
00:13:05,709 --> 00:13:07,750
"I don't know
what the change situation's
288
00:13:07,834 --> 00:13:10,291
gonna be out there."
289
00:13:10,375 --> 00:13:12,792
So now me and this guy
get back out there, right?
290
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:14,917
We're in
the ocean together, just--
291
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,083
the tide went up, so...
292
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:23,375
He goes, "You got the money?"
I go, "Yeah, you got the weed?"
293
00:13:23,458 --> 00:13:24,959
He goes, "Nope."
I go, "What do you mean?"
294
00:13:25,041 --> 00:13:26,875
He goes, "It's at the sandbar."
I go, "Where's the sandbar?"
295
00:13:26,959 --> 00:13:28,750
I look out.
That shit's like 100 yards out.
296
00:13:28,834 --> 00:13:31,417
I know nothing about nature.
I don't know it.
297
00:13:31,500 --> 00:13:33,125
I had, like,
a neighborhood park
298
00:13:33,208 --> 00:13:35,333
in my neighborhood--had a lot
of trees, and that was it.
299
00:13:35,417 --> 00:13:36,542
That was our nature.
300
00:13:36,625 --> 00:13:38,375
Like, I saw a bird
in New Jersey,
301
00:13:38,458 --> 00:13:40,041
and I was like,
"That's an eagle."
302
00:13:40,125 --> 00:13:42,166
Like, I don't know nature.
303
00:13:42,250 --> 00:13:44,417
Like, in America, the further
you go in the ocean,
304
00:13:44,500 --> 00:13:45,458
the deeper the shit gets.
305
00:13:45,542 --> 00:13:47,375
That's how
American oceans work.
306
00:13:47,458 --> 00:13:48,834
In this ocean,
they didn't tell you,
307
00:13:48,917 --> 00:13:50,000
you can just walk the shit.
308
00:13:50,083 --> 00:13:52,333
You can just walk
through the whole ocean,
309
00:13:52,417 --> 00:13:54,083
and I didn't know that,
so when I was swimming,
310
00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:57,375
I was swimming to die,
I was swimming to die.
311
00:13:57,458 --> 00:13:59,083
Then halfway through,
I was like,
312
00:13:59,166 --> 00:14:02,125
"I didn't know I could walk
this shit--this is amazing."
313
00:14:02,208 --> 00:14:03,917
I get there,
this dude pulls up on a boat.
314
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:07,417
He hasn't had a boat all day.
Now he got a boat.
315
00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:09,291
He pulls up, he's like,
"How much money you got?"
316
00:14:09,375 --> 00:14:11,083
I was like,
"100, but you got change?"
317
00:14:11,166 --> 00:14:13,417
He was like, "It's the ocean."
318
00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:15,500
I was like, "I said
the same shit to my wife, dude.
319
00:14:15,583 --> 00:14:17,750
I said the same shit."
320
00:14:17,834 --> 00:14:20,041
Next thing you know, me and
this dude are standing there.
321
00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:22,375
He hands me a manila envelope
and takes off.
322
00:14:22,458 --> 00:14:24,875
I'm now standing
in the middle of the ocean
323
00:14:24,959 --> 00:14:28,583
with a manila envelope
this big--it's gigantic--
324
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:30,792
with a bathing suit--
I look insane.
325
00:14:30,875 --> 00:14:32,375
And the tide went up,
so I got to walk
326
00:14:32,458 --> 00:14:34,125
that bitch back high, right?
327
00:14:34,208 --> 00:14:38,959
Just walking that bitch back
the highest the whole time.
328
00:14:39,041 --> 00:14:40,667
I get back.
I start smoking weed.
329
00:14:40,750 --> 00:14:42,000
I'm like, "Life is great.
330
00:14:42,083 --> 00:14:44,583
This is amazing.
Smoking weed on an island."
331
00:14:44,667 --> 00:14:48,500
Nope, that's not
how my life works, ever.
332
00:14:48,583 --> 00:14:50,083
I'm sitting there smoking weed.
333
00:14:50,166 --> 00:14:51,375
I'm, like, through
my second blunt,
334
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:53,959
'cause it's island weed
and it sucks.
335
00:14:56,166 --> 00:14:58,250
And I get a phone call from
the front desk of the hotel,
336
00:14:58,333 --> 00:15:01,542
and they go, "Hey, Mr. Velez,
we just want to let you know,
337
00:15:01,625 --> 00:15:03,583
"uh, the police
are on their way to your room,
338
00:15:03,667 --> 00:15:04,667
"and they want to talk to you
339
00:15:04,750 --> 00:15:08,333
about what happened
in the ocean today."
340
00:15:08,417 --> 00:15:10,166
I didn't want my wife to know,
so I was like,
341
00:15:10,250 --> 00:15:13,542
"I didn't order room service."
Click.
342
00:15:13,625 --> 00:15:14,709
And I bugged out.
343
00:15:14,792 --> 00:15:16,959
I know who I am.
Like, I'm not a man.
344
00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:19,166
Like...
345
00:15:19,250 --> 00:15:21,083
I can't go to jail,
I can't.
346
00:15:21,166 --> 00:15:23,792
I'm fun size. Like, I can't.
347
00:15:23,875 --> 00:15:26,333
They will rape me.
I will get raped.
348
00:15:26,417 --> 00:15:29,000
So who do I become in jail?
Here's my plan--I'm Poop Boy.
349
00:15:29,083 --> 00:15:30,333
That's the guy that just poops
350
00:15:30,417 --> 00:15:32,875
and rubs it all over himself
every single day.
351
00:15:32,959 --> 00:15:33,917
That's what Poop Boy is.
352
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,458
He's just like...
[roars]
353
00:15:36,542 --> 00:15:37,834
Then he's like,
"Who wants to fuck?"
354
00:15:37,917 --> 00:15:39,834
He's very aggressive.
355
00:15:39,917 --> 00:15:40,959
If you're aggressive,
they're like,
356
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:42,625
"He's covered in shit,
and he wants to fuck.
357
00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:45,375
That's too much."
That's my plan.
358
00:15:45,458 --> 00:15:48,041
I don't know what your plan is
or your plan is,
359
00:15:48,125 --> 00:15:49,500
but it's a good plan.
360
00:15:49,583 --> 00:15:51,333
Use my plan.
361
00:15:51,417 --> 00:15:53,417
You're not gonna win the fight.
362
00:15:55,792 --> 00:15:57,208
12 Dominican cops show up.
363
00:15:57,291 --> 00:16:00,625
I don't know
if you guys have seen them...
364
00:16:00,709 --> 00:16:02,834
but they dress a lot like
zookeepers,
365
00:16:02,917 --> 00:16:04,875
and I was high.
366
00:16:06,667 --> 00:16:09,166
They storm the room,
they separate my wife,
367
00:16:09,250 --> 00:16:10,875
and they're running
through our shit.
368
00:16:10,959 --> 00:16:13,834
And I can hear my wife just
snitching through the wall.
369
00:16:13,917 --> 00:16:15,208
Snitching!
370
00:16:15,291 --> 00:16:17,750
"It was him in the ocean.
He didn't bring me change."
371
00:16:17,834 --> 00:16:21,625
I'm like,
"This bitch. God damn it."
372
00:16:25,875 --> 00:16:27,333
Next thing you know,
I turn to a cop,
373
00:16:27,417 --> 00:16:29,041
I did the manliest thing
I've ever done in my life.
374
00:16:29,125 --> 00:16:30,583
I was like, "She had
nothing to do with this.
375
00:16:30,667 --> 00:16:31,792
It's all me, it's my weed."
376
00:16:31,875 --> 00:16:33,250
The guy said, "Weed?"
I go, "Yeah."
377
00:16:33,333 --> 00:16:35,458
I rip it out of my suitcase,
I hand it to him,
378
00:16:35,542 --> 00:16:38,000
and he takes it,
he throws it down on the table,
379
00:16:38,083 --> 00:16:39,125
and he goes, "Everybody out."
380
00:16:39,208 --> 00:16:41,875
And all 12
of the Dominican cops
381
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:43,166
go to leave my room
382
00:16:43,250 --> 00:16:45,834
in another country
that I do not belong to.
383
00:16:45,917 --> 00:16:48,083
And I was high and paranoid,
384
00:16:48,166 --> 00:16:50,917
and I thought they might've
stolen cash or jewelry,
385
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,083
so I screamed, "Nobody leaves!"
386
00:16:53,166 --> 00:16:56,792
Which is just
out of fucking control.
387
00:16:56,875 --> 00:16:59,041
And I go,
"Hey, what just happened?"
388
00:16:59,125 --> 00:17:01,000
And they go, "We thought you
bought a birth certificate
389
00:17:01,083 --> 00:17:03,834
or a social security card."
390
00:17:03,917 --> 00:17:07,250
And I was like,
"You can buy those...
391
00:17:07,333 --> 00:17:10,250
in the middle
of the fucking ocean?"
392
00:17:11,792 --> 00:17:12,750
He goes,
"How much was that weed?"
393
00:17:12,834 --> 00:17:14,583
I go, "I got a deal,
$20 a gram."
394
00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:15,709
And he goes,
"No, you didn't, papi.
395
00:17:15,792 --> 00:17:18,250
You got ripped the fuck off."
396
00:17:20,208 --> 00:17:23,083
That's why I stay here.
397
00:17:23,166 --> 00:17:24,667
They sent me to Norway.
398
00:17:24,750 --> 00:17:27,208
Yo, if you think you're
good-looking, you ain't shit.
399
00:17:27,291 --> 00:17:29,792
Like, you--
you are garbage in Norway.
400
00:17:29,875 --> 00:17:32,083
You're gross.
401
00:17:32,166 --> 00:17:33,625
You're disgusting.
402
00:17:33,709 --> 00:17:35,625
Hot girls work
at McDonald's in Norway.
403
00:17:35,709 --> 00:17:39,291
Just--just think about that.
404
00:17:39,375 --> 00:17:40,500
"What do you want to drink?"
405
00:17:40,583 --> 00:17:42,291
Bitch, what do
you want to drink?
406
00:17:42,375 --> 00:17:45,917
Like, what--why are you here?
407
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:49,000
Your face doesn't match
the environment you're in.
408
00:17:49,083 --> 00:17:50,333
It's very concerning.
409
00:17:50,417 --> 00:17:51,917
Are you missing a leg
over that counter?
410
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,500
I just don't understand.
411
00:17:57,458 --> 00:18:02,083
If you don't understand that
joke, go to a McDonald's...
412
00:18:02,166 --> 00:18:05,625
in America after this show.
413
00:18:05,709 --> 00:18:06,709
There'll be a guy there
414
00:18:06,792 --> 00:18:09,834
with an eye in the middle
of his fucking forehead.
415
00:18:09,917 --> 00:18:10,917
"What do you want?"
416
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:14,709
I want to go home.
I want to go home.
417
00:18:14,792 --> 00:18:17,875
I can't eat after looking
at you, actually.
418
00:18:17,959 --> 00:18:19,709
If you're in the front,
who's in the back?
419
00:18:19,792 --> 00:18:21,500
Who...
420
00:18:21,583 --> 00:18:25,583
is in the back
of a McDonald's?
421
00:18:28,041 --> 00:18:31,000
I'll take that
and a number two.
422
00:18:33,250 --> 00:18:35,125
I have a child.
423
00:18:35,208 --> 00:18:37,291
[scattered cheers]
And, yeah, no, I felt it.
424
00:18:37,375 --> 00:18:39,792
Yeah, it's concerning.
425
00:18:39,875 --> 00:18:42,625
No one ever claps
when I say it.
426
00:18:42,709 --> 00:18:45,458
It's very weird.
It's like a weird place to be.
427
00:18:45,542 --> 00:18:47,834
I watched Kevin Hart
do 100,000 in Philly Stadium.
428
00:18:47,917 --> 00:18:51,083
He got up there.
He's like, "I just had a kid."
429
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,917
Everybody clapped.
100,000 people.
430
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,875
But you guys...
431
00:18:59,959 --> 00:19:01,041
maybe four of you were like,
432
00:19:01,125 --> 00:19:05,041
"Yeah, ah,
we're okay with it."
433
00:19:05,125 --> 00:19:07,709
It's 'cause I'm fun. I'm fun.
434
00:19:07,792 --> 00:19:09,709
Kids aren't fun.
435
00:19:09,792 --> 00:19:11,625
You'll never be at a party,
somebody'll turn to you
436
00:19:11,709 --> 00:19:14,834
and be like, "Yo, this party'd
be a lot better
437
00:19:14,917 --> 00:19:18,000
"if there was
a baby here right now.
438
00:19:18,083 --> 00:19:21,500
"The guy-to-baby ratio sucks.
439
00:19:21,583 --> 00:19:23,500
"I'm out. I heard there's
a party down the block,
440
00:19:23,583 --> 00:19:26,166
"mad babies--
gonna head down there...
441
00:19:26,250 --> 00:19:29,000
and do cocaine off a soft spot,
have a lot of fun."
442
00:19:29,083 --> 00:19:32,166
No one ever says that.
No one ever says that.
443
00:19:32,250 --> 00:19:33,458
And it's not
because it's unhealthy,
444
00:19:33,542 --> 00:19:34,959
but babies don't have
strong enough necks,
445
00:19:35,041 --> 00:19:37,667
and you'd lose
a lot of cocaine.
446
00:19:45,333 --> 00:19:46,917
You don't need
to take a test to have a kid.
447
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,458
Isn't that nuts?
448
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,208
They just give it to you.
449
00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:53,500
Like, there's no, like,
question or nothing.
450
00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:57,834
Like, I don't know things.
I don't know a lot of things.
451
00:19:57,917 --> 00:19:59,709
It's frightening
how much I don't know.
452
00:19:59,792 --> 00:20:01,375
Like, you ever
watch your friends
453
00:20:01,458 --> 00:20:02,750
have a conversation
in front of you
454
00:20:02,834 --> 00:20:04,083
and you have no clue
what they're--
455
00:20:04,166 --> 00:20:05,417
Like, what is fracking?
456
00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:07,709
Does anybody know
what fracking is?
457
00:20:07,792 --> 00:20:09,417
I thought fracking
was when a fat person
458
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,458
put their arm like this,
and you fucked it.
459
00:20:11,542 --> 00:20:14,917
That's what I thought
fracking was.
460
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,125
Yeah.
461
00:20:16,208 --> 00:20:18,333
I was very confused
during all the debates,
462
00:20:18,417 --> 00:20:21,166
all of them.
463
00:20:21,250 --> 00:20:22,333
"He doesn't like fracking.
464
00:20:22,417 --> 00:20:26,542
I like fracking,
just not everywhere."
465
00:20:26,625 --> 00:20:27,834
I was sitting there like,
466
00:20:27,917 --> 00:20:31,834
"How is that bad
for the environment?
467
00:20:31,917 --> 00:20:35,792
My wife doesn't even
consider it cheating."
468
00:20:35,875 --> 00:20:37,875
Oh, I frack.
469
00:20:42,291 --> 00:20:44,291
I don't know things.
470
00:20:44,375 --> 00:20:46,458
I'll tell you this--
like, I didn't know
471
00:20:46,542 --> 00:20:49,250
it was called
an umbilical cord.
472
00:20:49,333 --> 00:20:52,125
I didn't, it was bad.
It was an embarrassing day.
473
00:20:52,208 --> 00:20:55,500
Like, doctor went, "You want
to cut the umbilical cord?"
474
00:20:55,583 --> 00:20:57,458
I was like, "I don't want
to cut the ability cord."
475
00:20:57,542 --> 00:20:59,667
And he was like,
"Sir, umbilical cord?"
476
00:20:59,750 --> 00:21:00,667
I was like, "Ability cord."
477
00:21:00,750 --> 00:21:02,166
He's like,
"Sir, I'm pretty sure
478
00:21:02,250 --> 00:21:04,208
you're saying 'ability cord.'"
479
00:21:04,291 --> 00:21:07,542
And I was like, "I'm 100%
saying 'ability cord.'"
480
00:21:11,458 --> 00:21:14,125
And he was like, "Why would you
ever call it that? Like, why?"
481
00:21:14,208 --> 00:21:17,291
And I was like, "Well, it gives
the baby abilities, correct?"
482
00:21:20,041 --> 00:21:22,709
And he said, "Good luck,"
and handed me my child.
483
00:21:22,792 --> 00:21:24,458
He said...
484
00:21:24,542 --> 00:21:26,500
[chuckles]
485
00:21:30,542 --> 00:21:33,291
Being a parent makes you start
486
00:21:33,375 --> 00:21:36,041
looking at parents.
487
00:21:36,125 --> 00:21:38,917
I was a kid not too long ago.
488
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,583
But then I had a kid
so I'm not.
489
00:21:42,667 --> 00:21:44,458
I used to just walk
past people with kids.
490
00:21:44,542 --> 00:21:47,333
I'd be like,
"Ha ha, your life sucks."
491
00:21:47,417 --> 00:21:50,750
And that's me now.
492
00:21:50,834 --> 00:21:51,917
I'm not kidding.
493
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,125
I was at the airport the
other day--I'm taking a piss.
494
00:21:54,208 --> 00:21:55,667
I guess this guy
needs to take a shit.
495
00:21:55,750 --> 00:21:57,125
He got, like, a five-year-old
kid with him.
496
00:21:57,208 --> 00:21:58,208
What do you do with that kid?
497
00:21:58,291 --> 00:22:00,166
You can't just leave him
in the middle of the airport.
498
00:22:00,250 --> 00:22:01,750
You can't even leave a bag.
499
00:22:04,458 --> 00:22:05,792
So what do you do
with this child?
500
00:22:05,875 --> 00:22:07,166
I'll tell you
what this dude did.
501
00:22:07,250 --> 00:22:09,500
He brought the kid
inside the stall with him,
502
00:22:09,583 --> 00:22:12,083
non-handicap,
with the suitcases.
503
00:22:12,166 --> 00:22:13,834
Tight squeeze, tight.
504
00:22:13,917 --> 00:22:15,917
Tight squeeze.
505
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:17,500
And the kid
just starts screaming,
506
00:22:17,583 --> 00:22:21,208
"Dad, I don't want to
watch you poop!"
507
00:22:21,291 --> 00:22:23,458
And you can hear them fighting.
Like, you could hear them.
508
00:22:23,542 --> 00:22:24,792
And his dad's like,
"It's cool, it's fine.
509
00:22:24,875 --> 00:22:26,750
"Come on, we're traveling.
510
00:22:26,834 --> 00:22:28,333
"Remember, Mom said
this was gonna be fine.
511
00:22:28,417 --> 00:22:29,417
"Come on, big-boy stuff.
512
00:22:29,500 --> 00:22:32,917
Say it back, big-boy stuff,
big-boy stuff."
513
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:33,917
And the kid wasn't having it.
514
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,875
He's like, "Dad, I don't
want to watch you poop!"
515
00:22:36,959 --> 00:22:38,667
And then you can hear them
fighting for the lock.
516
00:22:38,750 --> 00:22:39,750
You can hear the lock.
517
00:22:39,834 --> 00:22:42,375
You could hear the...
[imitates clicking]
518
00:22:42,458 --> 00:22:43,709
And the dad's
getting desperate.
519
00:22:43,792 --> 00:22:44,667
He's like, "No, no, no, no!
520
00:22:44,750 --> 00:22:47,875
No, no, no! No! No!"
521
00:22:47,959 --> 00:22:49,375
And then the door slammed open,
522
00:22:49,458 --> 00:22:51,542
and this dude
was just taking a shit
523
00:22:51,625 --> 00:22:55,542
while holding on to
the back of his kid's T-shirt.
524
00:22:55,625 --> 00:22:57,959
And I looked him dead
in the eyes, and I was like,
525
00:22:58,041 --> 00:23:00,291
"No one told me about this."
526
00:23:03,041 --> 00:23:05,583
How don't I know about that?
527
00:23:05,667 --> 00:23:08,792
How is that not known?
528
00:23:08,875 --> 00:23:11,458
That's insane.
529
00:23:11,542 --> 00:23:12,917
I don't come from that.
530
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,667
My parents
didn't travel with me,
531
00:23:14,750 --> 00:23:17,208
therefore, they never
shit in front of me.
532
00:23:17,291 --> 00:23:19,917
That's a rich man's game.
533
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:23,041
I don't come from "shit
in front of your kid" money.
534
00:23:26,041 --> 00:23:28,792
Clap your hands if your parents
shit in front of you.
535
00:23:28,875 --> 00:23:31,583
[scattered applause]
536
00:23:31,667 --> 00:23:33,834
That's wealth.
537
00:23:33,917 --> 00:23:36,000
How is that not
the commercial for condoms?
538
00:23:36,083 --> 00:23:37,792
How is that not it?
539
00:23:37,875 --> 00:23:40,166
There's numerous commercials
about condoms that's like,
540
00:23:40,250 --> 00:23:41,959
"Oh, it's thin.
It feels like it's real."
541
00:23:42,041 --> 00:23:43,667
No.
542
00:23:43,750 --> 00:23:45,208
It's a very simple commercial.
543
00:23:45,291 --> 00:23:47,667
The commercial for condoms
should just be a little kid
544
00:23:47,750 --> 00:23:51,125
standing there, and his knees
are buckling and shit,
545
00:23:51,208 --> 00:23:53,000
and he just looks up,
and he's like,
546
00:23:53,083 --> 00:23:57,166
"Do you like to poop alone?"
547
00:23:57,250 --> 00:23:59,625
And then "Trojan," and
that's the whole commercial.
548
00:23:59,709 --> 00:24:01,166
It's very simple.
549
00:24:01,250 --> 00:24:03,625
It's very simple.
550
00:24:10,625 --> 00:24:13,792
That's the only time I ever--
like, I've never ever believed
551
00:24:13,875 --> 00:24:16,208
in putting my kid on a leash.
552
00:24:18,083 --> 00:24:19,375
But after I saw that shit,
553
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:21,417
I was like, "My kid
might be put on a leash."
554
00:24:21,500 --> 00:24:23,959
Like, I ain't gonna shit
in front of 'em.
555
00:24:24,041 --> 00:24:26,542
I'll just put the leash
underneath the door.
556
00:24:30,500 --> 00:24:33,375
"Yo, is that you?
That--that's you, right?
557
00:24:33,458 --> 00:24:36,542
Yo, if that's you, bark twice.
That's you, right?"
558
00:24:42,417 --> 00:24:45,083
I like my--like,
I like my kid, by the way.
559
00:24:45,166 --> 00:24:47,500
Like, I don't like yours.
560
00:24:47,583 --> 00:24:49,417
I want to make that very clear.
561
00:24:49,500 --> 00:24:51,500
Like, I don't like your kid.
562
00:24:51,583 --> 00:24:54,375
Like, people think
just because I have one,
563
00:24:54,458 --> 00:24:57,000
I will like--I don't.
564
00:24:57,083 --> 00:24:59,375
My cousin, every time
I see her, she got a new one.
565
00:24:59,458 --> 00:25:01,291
I hate--like, I hate--
566
00:25:01,375 --> 00:25:02,333
You know those people,
567
00:25:02,417 --> 00:25:04,083
every time you see them,
it's brand-new.
568
00:25:04,166 --> 00:25:05,834
It's not--
it's out way too early.
569
00:25:05,917 --> 00:25:07,083
You see it out in the world.
570
00:25:07,166 --> 00:25:09,000
You're like, "That shouldn't
be here right now."
571
00:25:09,083 --> 00:25:12,083
Like, it's not even
the right color yet.
572
00:25:12,166 --> 00:25:16,000
It's like--
it's like a purple-tinted baby.
573
00:25:17,333 --> 00:25:18,583
And everybody's,
"Give it a kiss!"
574
00:25:18,667 --> 00:25:21,125
Fuck you, give it a kiss.
575
00:25:21,208 --> 00:25:25,208
That was semen nine months ago.
Give it a bath.
576
00:25:25,291 --> 00:25:27,083
I have socks underneath my bed
577
00:25:27,166 --> 00:25:30,500
with older semen
than that child.
578
00:25:30,583 --> 00:25:32,041
How about you
kiss one of those,
579
00:25:32,125 --> 00:25:35,041
I'll kiss your kid,
and we'll call it even.
580
00:25:35,125 --> 00:25:37,250
Thank you to the men
that are laughing honestly
581
00:25:37,333 --> 00:25:39,041
in this room right now.
582
00:25:39,125 --> 00:25:41,041
Women, you ever notice
you step on a sock
583
00:25:41,125 --> 00:25:44,375
and it hurts?
584
00:25:44,458 --> 00:25:47,125
That sock's been fucked.
585
00:25:47,208 --> 00:25:48,959
[audience member snorts]
586
00:25:49,041 --> 00:25:50,667
Did you just snort?
Who snorted?
587
00:25:50,750 --> 00:25:52,083
I love a snort.
588
00:25:52,166 --> 00:25:55,458
That's the coming of comedy.
Did you know that?
589
00:25:55,542 --> 00:25:57,583
You ever fuck something
and it goes... [snorts]
590
00:25:57,667 --> 00:25:59,417
That's--
591
00:25:59,500 --> 00:26:01,667
You're welcome.
592
00:26:05,750 --> 00:26:08,959
I'm really happy
my baby's not ugly.
593
00:26:09,041 --> 00:26:11,375
People don't act
like that's important.
594
00:26:11,458 --> 00:26:13,583
It's important.
595
00:26:13,667 --> 00:26:14,583
I'm in the parks.
596
00:26:14,667 --> 00:26:17,417
Yo, these kids
are ugly out there.
597
00:26:17,500 --> 00:26:19,667
And everybody's treating them
like pretty kids,
598
00:26:19,750 --> 00:26:21,458
and that's not gonna
be good in a couple--
599
00:26:21,542 --> 00:26:22,709
They can't have that.
600
00:26:22,792 --> 00:26:25,291
Stop liking them on Instagram
when your friends post 'em.
601
00:26:25,375 --> 00:26:28,333
Be honest about who they are.
602
00:26:28,417 --> 00:26:32,083
I will not like your ugly baby.
I will not!
603
00:26:32,166 --> 00:26:33,500
I'll leave a post like,
604
00:26:33,583 --> 00:26:36,875
"Better luck next time,"
or some shit like that.
605
00:26:36,959 --> 00:26:40,500
But I'm not liking
your ugly baby.
606
00:26:40,583 --> 00:26:43,625
My friend's, his is bad.
It's bad.
607
00:26:43,709 --> 00:26:45,834
He had it
at the same time as me.
608
00:26:45,917 --> 00:26:49,041
We both had kids at--
His--his is really bad.
609
00:26:50,417 --> 00:26:52,208
I went to meet it.
I tried to compliment it.
610
00:26:52,291 --> 00:26:53,667
I said, "That baby is baby."
611
00:26:53,750 --> 00:26:57,041
That's what I said to him.
I said, "That baby is baby."
612
00:26:57,125 --> 00:26:58,625
That's a crazy thing to say.
613
00:26:58,709 --> 00:27:01,291
I couldn't think
of another word.
614
00:27:01,375 --> 00:27:02,333
He was like, "It's bad?"
615
00:27:02,417 --> 00:27:04,959
I was like,
"It's bad, it's bad."
616
00:27:05,041 --> 00:27:06,291
He doesn't even claim the kid.
617
00:27:06,375 --> 00:27:07,917
He's like,
"Yeah, that's my friend."
618
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,041
I'm like,
"Fuck you. Your friend."
619
00:27:10,125 --> 00:27:12,333
Can't call him your friend.
620
00:27:12,417 --> 00:27:13,583
"Yeah, that's my wife's kid."
621
00:27:13,667 --> 00:27:17,625
No, it's not, that's your kid.
You're my ugly friend.
622
00:27:20,333 --> 00:27:22,166
It's sad.
623
00:27:22,250 --> 00:27:25,291
It's sad because
his kid's gonna be dumb.
624
00:27:25,375 --> 00:27:28,125
It's not--I'm just
telling the truth.
625
00:27:28,208 --> 00:27:31,000
He named it Frankie,
and that's a dumb name.
626
00:27:31,083 --> 00:27:32,834
[audience groans]
627
00:27:32,917 --> 00:27:34,834
Oh, you disagree?
628
00:27:34,917 --> 00:27:36,959
Clap your hands
if you go to Dr. Frankie.
629
00:27:37,041 --> 00:27:38,500
I'll wait.
630
00:27:41,875 --> 00:27:43,458
Exactly.
631
00:27:43,542 --> 00:27:45,333
It's a dumb name.
632
00:27:45,417 --> 00:27:48,166
Frankie doesn't go to college.
633
00:27:48,250 --> 00:27:51,125
If he does,
it has a commercial.
634
00:27:56,166 --> 00:27:58,375
Frankie gets a neck tattoo
on his 18th birthday
635
00:27:58,458 --> 00:27:59,709
that says "neck tattoo."
636
00:27:59,792 --> 00:28:01,625
He makes mistakes.
637
00:28:03,500 --> 00:28:04,834
Names can change people.
638
00:28:04,917 --> 00:28:06,500
My friend recently
came out the closet.
639
00:28:06,583 --> 00:28:07,667
I'm very proud of him,
640
00:28:07,750 --> 00:28:09,625
but we knew this shit
was gonna go down
641
00:28:09,709 --> 00:28:12,542
because his name is Chad,
and that's a gay-ass name.
642
00:28:12,625 --> 00:28:14,542
It's gay as fuck.
643
00:28:14,625 --> 00:28:16,542
Chad.
644
00:28:16,625 --> 00:28:17,709
You can't even say "Chad"
645
00:28:17,792 --> 00:28:20,166
like you're not gonna
put a dick in your mouth.
646
00:28:20,250 --> 00:28:21,875
Chad, it's a gay name.
647
00:28:21,959 --> 00:28:25,542
There's gay names out there--
Chad, Landon, Harper.
648
00:28:25,625 --> 00:28:27,417
That's the gayest name
of all time.
649
00:28:27,500 --> 00:28:29,959
"Yo, Harper got all the pussy
at the party last night."
650
00:28:30,041 --> 00:28:32,000
That's not what Harper does.
651
00:28:34,500 --> 00:28:36,458
Harper shows up.
"There's no Zinfandel?"
652
00:28:36,542 --> 00:28:39,333
No, there's no Zinfandel.
653
00:28:39,417 --> 00:28:42,583
I don't buy shit I can't spell.
654
00:28:42,667 --> 00:28:45,000
Drink the gin. J-I-N.
655
00:28:48,834 --> 00:28:50,125
I wouldn't care
if my kid was gay.
656
00:28:50,208 --> 00:28:52,291
That would not bother me.
That would not bother me.
657
00:28:52,375 --> 00:28:54,250
I just want
my child to be happy.
658
00:28:54,333 --> 00:28:56,750
My friend's dad
was not on the same shit.
659
00:28:56,834 --> 00:28:59,000
He was shocked
that Chad was gay,
660
00:28:59,083 --> 00:29:01,166
which was shocking to me.
661
00:29:04,792 --> 00:29:06,917
I swear to God,
we went to a Yankee game
662
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:08,250
with his dad once, right?
663
00:29:08,333 --> 00:29:09,583
Me, Chad, his older brother.
664
00:29:09,667 --> 00:29:13,250
Derek Jeter hits a home run,
and Chad just starts going...
665
00:29:16,709 --> 00:29:18,208
His dad had no clue.
666
00:29:18,291 --> 00:29:21,375
I was like, "He just snapped
at Derek Jeter, man."
667
00:29:24,083 --> 00:29:26,250
Can't snap at him.
668
00:29:28,500 --> 00:29:32,000
Chad brought us all out to
dinner to tell us he was gay.
669
00:29:32,083 --> 00:29:33,959
He brought us
all out to dinner.
670
00:29:34,041 --> 00:29:36,959
We all knew, except his dad.
671
00:29:37,041 --> 00:29:41,333
So Chad came out the closet.
He was like, "Guys, I'm gay."
672
00:29:41,417 --> 00:29:44,000
And we were like,
"Pass the salt."
673
00:29:46,792 --> 00:29:48,750
And his dad got up
and walked out the room.
674
00:29:48,834 --> 00:29:50,291
It was the saddest thing
we've ever seen.
675
00:29:50,375 --> 00:29:52,667
It was terrible.
We felt bad for him.
676
00:29:52,750 --> 00:29:55,291
Then the next day,
we were all in the group chat
677
00:29:55,375 --> 00:29:56,875
talking about what happened,
678
00:29:56,959 --> 00:29:59,709
and then we got told
that Chad's dad
679
00:29:59,792 --> 00:30:01,041
was calling everybody
680
00:30:01,125 --> 00:30:03,709
to talk about what happened
the night before.
681
00:30:03,792 --> 00:30:06,583
I change my number a lot
because I'm sketchy.
682
00:30:09,917 --> 00:30:11,583
So I was like,
"Give him my number."
683
00:30:11,667 --> 00:30:13,667
I was ready.
I wanted this, right?
684
00:30:13,750 --> 00:30:14,709
And he calls me up,
685
00:30:14,792 --> 00:30:16,875
and the first thing he said
really confused me.
686
00:30:16,959 --> 00:30:18,834
He was like, "Last night was
the worst surprise party
687
00:30:18,917 --> 00:30:20,000
of all time."
688
00:30:20,083 --> 00:30:23,000
And I was like, "I don't think
that's what that was,
689
00:30:23,083 --> 00:30:24,458
but okay."
690
00:30:26,959 --> 00:30:28,667
And he goes,
"You knew about this?"
691
00:30:28,750 --> 00:30:31,792
And I went, "Yeah."
He goes, "How'd this happen?"
692
00:30:31,875 --> 00:30:34,041
And I went,
"You named him Chad."
693
00:30:35,667 --> 00:30:37,041
If you don't want
your kid to be gay,
694
00:30:37,125 --> 00:30:38,458
don't name him
Chad, Landon, Harper.
695
00:30:38,542 --> 00:30:41,542
Name him fucking Thor
if you have such a problem
696
00:30:41,625 --> 00:30:43,291
with the lifestyle, honestly.
697
00:30:43,375 --> 00:30:44,959
Even if Thor was gay,
698
00:30:45,041 --> 00:30:46,667
he'd be big and brolic
and shit.
699
00:30:46,750 --> 00:30:47,834
Be like, "Give me that ass!"
700
00:30:47,917 --> 00:30:51,500
And he fucks Chad, Landon,
and Harper
701
00:30:51,583 --> 00:30:53,375
in a manly fashion.
702
00:30:53,458 --> 00:30:56,083
He does it in a manly fashion.
703
00:30:56,166 --> 00:30:57,792
I've been advised
after that joke
704
00:30:57,875 --> 00:31:00,166
to tell people I don't have
a problem with gay people,
705
00:31:00,250 --> 00:31:01,750
which is a weird thing
to announce
706
00:31:01,834 --> 00:31:04,041
halfway through a show.
707
00:31:04,125 --> 00:31:05,917
And it's not even the truth.
It's not.
708
00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:07,709
There's a gay guy
that lives on my block,
709
00:31:07,792 --> 00:31:09,375
and I fucking hate his life.
710
00:31:09,458 --> 00:31:10,709
I hate his life.
711
00:31:10,792 --> 00:31:12,041
And I don't hate him
because he's gay.
712
00:31:12,125 --> 00:31:14,834
I hate him
because he walks a cat.
713
00:31:17,041 --> 00:31:18,041
It's so annoying.
714
00:31:18,125 --> 00:31:20,875
The cat don't even move.
He just walks around it.
715
00:31:25,709 --> 00:31:28,375
That shit gets me so mad.
716
00:31:28,458 --> 00:31:30,583
The cat's name is Harper.
717
00:31:37,750 --> 00:31:39,500
I think when you become
a parent,
718
00:31:39,583 --> 00:31:43,250
your main goal is you want to
be better than your parents.
719
00:31:43,333 --> 00:31:45,083
That's the goal, right?
720
00:31:45,166 --> 00:31:47,417
Just want to be better
than your parents.
721
00:31:47,500 --> 00:31:49,750
But...
722
00:31:49,834 --> 00:31:52,208
the bar wasn't high.
723
00:31:54,208 --> 00:31:56,291
My parents tried.
They tried really hard.
724
00:31:56,375 --> 00:31:59,583
They tried with what they had,
but it just--it didn't work.
725
00:32:02,291 --> 00:32:03,709
My mom, she was my best friend.
726
00:32:03,792 --> 00:32:06,500
My mom was my best friend
in the world, but she--
727
00:32:06,583 --> 00:32:08,166
she definitely had her vices.
728
00:32:08,250 --> 00:32:10,542
I have 'em.
729
00:32:10,625 --> 00:32:12,291
She had my sense of humor.
730
00:32:12,375 --> 00:32:13,917
She liked to drink.
That was her shit.
731
00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:17,166
My mom loved to drink--
sometimes in secret.
732
00:32:17,250 --> 00:32:19,709
I liked it. The family did not.
733
00:32:21,083 --> 00:32:22,792
I liked it
'cause I was a bad kid.
734
00:32:22,875 --> 00:32:24,083
I was bad.
735
00:32:24,166 --> 00:32:25,291
She would ground me
all the time.
736
00:32:25,375 --> 00:32:26,333
"You're grounded!"
737
00:32:26,417 --> 00:32:29,750
I'd be like,
"We'll wait till 8:00 p.m.
738
00:32:29,834 --> 00:32:33,583
"See what Jose Cuervo has
to say about this grounding.
739
00:32:33,667 --> 00:32:36,959
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna
see my boys tonight, Kathleen."
740
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:43,875
My dad, a Puerto Rican
from the South Bronx--
741
00:32:43,959 --> 00:32:46,250
tough man...
742
00:32:46,333 --> 00:32:48,875
bad with his emotions.
743
00:32:48,959 --> 00:32:51,041
Puerto Ricans are terrible
with their emotions.
744
00:32:51,125 --> 00:32:53,208
They're just filled with them.
745
00:32:53,291 --> 00:32:56,000
They're not good with them.
They can't control them.
746
00:32:56,083 --> 00:32:58,208
My dad, he--
747
00:32:58,291 --> 00:33:00,834
he cried one time
my whole entire life.
748
00:33:00,917 --> 00:33:02,542
It was the day
Derek Jeter retired.
749
00:33:02,625 --> 00:33:05,500
That was the only day.
750
00:33:05,583 --> 00:33:06,709
He ran around the house--
751
00:33:06,792 --> 00:33:09,834
"It's the worst day
of my life."
752
00:33:09,917 --> 00:33:11,333
I'm like,
"Calm down, Pop.
753
00:33:11,417 --> 00:33:13,542
Mom's dead."
754
00:33:13,625 --> 00:33:16,000
She never batted .300.
Calm down.
755
00:33:16,083 --> 00:33:18,250
Like, she--
756
00:33:19,917 --> 00:33:21,250
One thing my father taught me
757
00:33:21,333 --> 00:33:22,917
that I'm never gonna do
to my child
758
00:33:23,041 --> 00:33:24,875
is put my hands on my child.
759
00:33:24,959 --> 00:33:26,458
Never hit your kids.
760
00:33:26,542 --> 00:33:27,750
My dad wasn't good at it.
761
00:33:27,834 --> 00:33:29,417
Never learned a lesson from it.
762
00:33:29,500 --> 00:33:31,500
All I learned was
how to get away with it
763
00:33:31,583 --> 00:33:34,250
in a different way.
764
00:33:34,333 --> 00:33:35,959
And he was emotional about it.
765
00:33:36,041 --> 00:33:38,917
It was sad to watch.
766
00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:41,125
I'll tell you about
the worst time he beat us.
767
00:33:41,208 --> 00:33:44,250
Me and my older brother used
to put on our windbreakers.
768
00:33:44,333 --> 00:33:46,458
Like, we had
a windbreaker outfit.
769
00:33:48,458 --> 00:33:50,709
You know those windbreaker
outfits when you're a kid?
770
00:33:50,792 --> 00:33:52,959
You just rock them
all the time?
771
00:33:53,041 --> 00:33:54,458
And we had carpeted stairs,
772
00:33:54,542 --> 00:33:57,792
so we used to fucking
slide down the stairs
773
00:33:57,875 --> 00:33:59,125
at 100 miles per hour.
774
00:33:59,208 --> 00:34:02,625
Just rah, rah, rah!
775
00:34:02,709 --> 00:34:05,375
And one day we were doing it
after Dad came home from work,
776
00:34:05,458 --> 00:34:06,709
and he was taking a nap,
777
00:34:06,792 --> 00:34:09,667
and he woke up
to us fucking just shooting,
778
00:34:09,750 --> 00:34:13,083
like, bobsledding
down the stairs.
779
00:34:13,166 --> 00:34:15,291
And he grabbed his belt
from his room,
780
00:34:15,375 --> 00:34:18,667
and he chased me and my brother
into our bunk beds,
781
00:34:18,750 --> 00:34:19,875
and he went to town on us.
782
00:34:19,959 --> 00:34:22,959
And I still think about it
till this day.
783
00:34:23,041 --> 00:34:25,458
And right before
he left the room,
784
00:34:25,542 --> 00:34:28,000
he went, "If you make
another fucking sound,
785
00:34:28,083 --> 00:34:30,834
I'm gonna come back in here
and do it again."
786
00:34:30,917 --> 00:34:33,834
Me and my brother,
we're in our windbreakers.
787
00:34:46,166 --> 00:34:50,542
For about two and a half hours,
we cried in this position.
788
00:34:55,250 --> 00:34:58,333
Two hours later, my dad
walked back into the room.
789
00:34:58,417 --> 00:35:01,000
This time he was wasted drunk.
790
00:35:01,083 --> 00:35:03,917
He sat on the bedroom floor,
791
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:05,542
told us to get into bed,
792
00:35:05,625 --> 00:35:07,333
and he told me
and my brother stories
793
00:35:07,417 --> 00:35:09,667
about how his mom
used to beat him
794
00:35:09,750 --> 00:35:13,834
with, like, sticks and hangers
and all types of shit,
795
00:35:13,917 --> 00:35:15,792
and that's why he beat us.
796
00:35:15,875 --> 00:35:17,792
And then he went to bed.
797
00:35:17,875 --> 00:35:19,959
And me and my brother
stayed up all night
798
00:35:20,041 --> 00:35:23,458
just like, "Yo, fuck Grandma!"
799
00:35:23,542 --> 00:35:24,625
"Fuck that bitch!
800
00:35:24,709 --> 00:35:26,291
"I hope she never comes back
from Puerto Rico!
801
00:35:26,375 --> 00:35:28,375
I'll punch that bitch
in the face!"
802
00:35:28,458 --> 00:35:30,709
Like just, "Tell that bitch
to suck this dick!"
803
00:35:30,792 --> 00:35:32,625
Like, we were out of control.
804
00:35:36,458 --> 00:35:37,625
And then, like, a year later,
805
00:35:37,709 --> 00:35:39,875
Grandpa died,
and Dad moved Grandma
806
00:35:39,959 --> 00:35:42,083
into the house
in Queens with us,
807
00:35:42,166 --> 00:35:44,542
and that shit just confused the
fuck out of me and my brother,
808
00:35:44,625 --> 00:35:48,583
'cause we were looking around
at Dad like, "Yo...
809
00:35:48,667 --> 00:35:51,333
"are we gonna
fuck this bitch up, man?
810
00:35:51,417 --> 00:35:53,834
"What is she doing?
She started this whole problem.
811
00:35:53,917 --> 00:35:54,875
"Let's ride on her, dog.
812
00:35:54,959 --> 00:35:56,834
"There's no way
she's that good with a hanger.
813
00:35:56,917 --> 00:35:59,166
abuela."
814
00:36:02,583 --> 00:36:06,083
We didn't beat her up.
We didn't.
815
00:36:06,166 --> 00:36:09,166
We used to curse her out
from the stairs, though,
816
00:36:09,250 --> 00:36:12,542
because she couldn't do them.
817
00:36:12,625 --> 00:36:15,583
"Look at you,
first-floor-level bitch."
818
00:36:19,375 --> 00:36:23,458
"There's butterscotch on the
second floor, you dumb bitch."
819
00:36:26,834 --> 00:36:30,333
Don't worry about my kid.
I can feel the energy.
820
00:36:31,917 --> 00:36:33,917
My wife comes from money,
so he's gonna be okay.
821
00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:35,875
Like, I don't know
if that means
822
00:36:35,959 --> 00:36:38,041
he's gonna be a good person,
but he's gonna eat,
823
00:36:38,125 --> 00:36:40,208
and that's a come-up
from where I'm at.
824
00:36:42,083 --> 00:36:45,208
Rich kids suck, though, like--
825
00:36:45,291 --> 00:36:47,041
you know who
I'm talking about, those--
826
00:36:47,125 --> 00:36:48,625
You meet the kid
at his loft party.
827
00:36:48,709 --> 00:36:50,375
You're like, "What do you do?"
And he's like, "I'm a poet."
828
00:36:50,458 --> 00:36:52,041
And you're like, "Mm.
829
00:36:52,125 --> 00:36:55,208
"It's 2021, no, you're not.
830
00:36:55,291 --> 00:36:58,125
You're just a bad rapper
at this point."
831
00:37:00,709 --> 00:37:02,125
Rather a rich kid
than a poor kid.
832
00:37:02,208 --> 00:37:04,125
Nobody likes poor people.
I grew up with no--
833
00:37:04,208 --> 00:37:06,834
Nobody likes poor people.
834
00:37:06,917 --> 00:37:08,917
You didn't come here
with your best poor friend.
835
00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:11,166
That's your worst friend.
He's terrible.
836
00:37:11,250 --> 00:37:12,583
Every time you bring him
to a party,
837
00:37:12,667 --> 00:37:14,875
he needs to charge his phone.
838
00:37:17,542 --> 00:37:19,583
He just walks in.
"Anybody got a charger?"
839
00:37:19,667 --> 00:37:23,458
It's like, "Yo, say hi.
Say hi to a few people."
840
00:37:25,375 --> 00:37:29,125
"And, no, nobody has a Galaxy.
No one ever has a Galaxy.
841
00:37:29,208 --> 00:37:31,250
"I hate when you
pull that thing out.
842
00:37:31,333 --> 00:37:34,417
"It makes everybody
uncomfortable--it really does.
843
00:37:34,500 --> 00:37:37,750
"I'd rather you pull out a gun
than the Galaxy.
844
00:37:37,834 --> 00:37:41,166
"At least it's
a conversation starter, right?
845
00:37:41,250 --> 00:37:42,750
"Somebody will go,
'Is that a gun?'
846
00:37:42,834 --> 00:37:45,959
No one's ever asked you
about your Galaxy."
847
00:37:49,417 --> 00:37:50,542
Nobody likes poor people.
848
00:37:50,625 --> 00:37:53,875
I know it's weird to say,
but you don't.
849
00:37:53,959 --> 00:37:57,125
You don't like poor people.
I watch television.
850
00:37:57,208 --> 00:37:59,959
There's numerous TV shows about
rich people buying houses.
851
00:38:00,041 --> 00:38:02,667
Not one poor show.
Not one...
852
00:38:02,750 --> 00:38:04,583
Why?
Because you wouldn't watch it.
853
00:38:04,667 --> 00:38:06,709
That's not a fun
half hour of television.
854
00:38:06,792 --> 00:38:09,458
That's a terrible show.
855
00:38:09,542 --> 00:38:11,792
Those questions.
"Is this gonna stay up?"
856
00:38:11,875 --> 00:38:13,917
You don't want to hear that.
857
00:38:16,625 --> 00:38:18,917
You don't want to watch a guy
get denied a bank loan.
858
00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:20,583
That's not a fun--
859
00:38:22,125 --> 00:38:24,583
"Next week on 'Maybe'"...
Like, that's a fucked up show.
860
00:38:24,667 --> 00:38:28,750
You want to watch "Maybe?"
You want to watch "Maybe?"
861
00:38:28,834 --> 00:38:30,959
Just Ryan Seacrest--
"Maybe they'll get it.
862
00:38:31,041 --> 00:38:34,333
Maybe they won't, bleh!"
Fuck you, Ryan.
863
00:38:37,000 --> 00:38:38,542
I'm not trying
to shit on poor people.
864
00:38:38,625 --> 00:38:42,166
They're fun, but rich people,
they're just funner.
865
00:38:44,709 --> 00:38:46,291
They're just weirdoes.
866
00:38:46,375 --> 00:38:48,083
That's the problem
with rich people.
867
00:38:48,166 --> 00:38:49,875
They're just weird people
868
00:38:49,959 --> 00:38:52,542
'cause no one
ever tells them no.
869
00:38:52,625 --> 00:38:54,333
You make enough money,
no one tells you no,
870
00:38:54,417 --> 00:38:57,000
so you just get to be a weirdo.
871
00:38:57,083 --> 00:39:00,250
My wife's family--
they're weird people.
872
00:39:00,333 --> 00:39:02,834
They wear pajamas as adults.
873
00:39:07,083 --> 00:39:10,250
That's a crazy outfit.
Like, you're an adult.
874
00:39:10,333 --> 00:39:12,333
Why are you in pajamas?
Get in your underwear.
875
00:39:12,417 --> 00:39:14,834
We're adults. Like, why...
876
00:39:14,917 --> 00:39:16,250
Pajamas are for children.
877
00:39:16,333 --> 00:39:18,208
'Cause it's weird when they're
in their underwear.
878
00:39:18,291 --> 00:39:20,542
Like, that's who that's for.
879
00:39:20,625 --> 00:39:22,917
There's nobody waiting on
their government check like,
880
00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:24,458
"Yo, I can't wait
to get my jammies."
881
00:39:24,542 --> 00:39:29,333
Like, that's
a very privileged outfit.
882
00:39:30,834 --> 00:39:33,041
First time my wife came to bed
in pajamas, I was like,
883
00:39:33,125 --> 00:39:36,542
"Why you re-dress?
What's happening right now?"
884
00:39:36,625 --> 00:39:37,875
She was like,
"I like the way I look."
885
00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:39,792
I was like, "Yeah,
but we're gonna close our eyes
886
00:39:39,875 --> 00:39:42,959
"for a long period of time.
887
00:39:43,041 --> 00:39:45,458
"So it sounds like
you're wasting money again.
888
00:39:45,542 --> 00:39:48,041
It sounds--"
889
00:39:48,125 --> 00:39:49,417
Rich people, I'll tell you--
890
00:39:49,500 --> 00:39:51,208
I've been watching
my wife's family.
891
00:39:51,291 --> 00:39:52,333
They're weird, man.
892
00:39:52,417 --> 00:39:53,834
They...
893
00:39:53,917 --> 00:39:56,083
they live past 55.
894
00:39:57,500 --> 00:39:59,458
I joined her family.
895
00:39:59,542 --> 00:40:02,083
That was the first time
I ever been to a hospice.
896
00:40:02,166 --> 00:40:03,166
What?
897
00:40:03,250 --> 00:40:04,959
Have you been to hospice?
That sucks.
898
00:40:05,041 --> 00:40:08,000
No one should have to do that.
That's bad.
899
00:40:08,083 --> 00:40:11,458
"Let's go say bye to Nana."
You go, Nana's sitting there.
900
00:40:11,542 --> 00:40:14,000
"Bye, Nana,"
and she goes... [groans]
901
00:40:14,083 --> 00:40:17,667
And they're like,
"That's her saying bye."
902
00:40:17,750 --> 00:40:20,792
I'm like, "I don't know
if that was that."
903
00:40:24,125 --> 00:40:25,792
"I think she's asking me
to kill her.
904
00:40:25,875 --> 00:40:27,333
This is terrible."
905
00:40:30,583 --> 00:40:33,333
"We're feeding her
with a sponge. It's sad."
906
00:40:36,417 --> 00:40:38,166
They're weird people.
907
00:40:38,250 --> 00:40:40,041
They put their initials
on their pillows.
908
00:40:40,125 --> 00:40:43,291
Why do rich people
put their initials on--
909
00:40:43,375 --> 00:40:46,709
What's happening
to your pillows, rich people,
910
00:40:46,792 --> 00:40:48,709
that you need
to put your initials on?
911
00:40:48,792 --> 00:40:50,625
How often do you wake up,
"Where is it?"
912
00:40:50,709 --> 00:40:53,834
Like, what's happening
to rich people's pillows
913
00:40:53,917 --> 00:40:55,458
that they're going
missing like this?
914
00:40:55,542 --> 00:40:57,291
I've had one pillow
my whole life.
915
00:40:57,375 --> 00:41:00,291
I know exactly which one it is.
916
00:41:00,375 --> 00:41:03,709
It's the most yellow.
It's yellow as fuck.
917
00:41:03,792 --> 00:41:07,375
It's yellow as fuck.
It smells like my hair.
918
00:41:07,458 --> 00:41:10,542
And I have to fold it
for every year I've had it.
919
00:41:16,959 --> 00:41:20,041
My wife's family,
they ball out.
920
00:41:20,125 --> 00:41:23,667
They do, they bought a house
in front of me.
921
00:41:23,750 --> 00:41:26,125
They bought a house in front--
I grew up in one house.
922
00:41:26,208 --> 00:41:29,500
We just stayed there,
didn't look at anybody else's.
923
00:41:29,583 --> 00:41:32,500
Just hoped ours was ours.
924
00:41:32,583 --> 00:41:34,667
We never looked at no houses.
I went with them.
925
00:41:34,750 --> 00:41:36,500
I didn't know
how to look at a house.
926
00:41:36,583 --> 00:41:37,667
I wore a suit.
927
00:41:37,750 --> 00:41:38,959
I looked like
I was selling the bitch.
928
00:41:39,041 --> 00:41:41,792
Like, it was crazy.
It was crazy.
929
00:41:41,875 --> 00:41:43,542
People were asking
me questions,
930
00:41:43,625 --> 00:41:45,083
like, "How high
are the ceilings?"
931
00:41:45,166 --> 00:41:46,917
I'm like, "Well, I can
touch rim, so over 12 foot."
932
00:41:47,000 --> 00:41:50,000
Like, so--like, just dumb shit.
933
00:41:53,291 --> 00:41:55,458
Her dad blew my mind--
both of them.
934
00:41:55,542 --> 00:41:57,917
Her mom went room
to room to room to room.
935
00:41:58,000 --> 00:41:59,083
Dad went room to room to room.
936
00:41:59,166 --> 00:42:02,417
Everybody had
a quick discussion.
937
00:42:02,500 --> 00:42:04,083
Then her dad said
the most ballin' shit
938
00:42:04,166 --> 00:42:05,375
I've ever heard in my life.
939
00:42:05,458 --> 00:42:06,542
It was insane.
940
00:42:06,625 --> 00:42:07,750
He goes,
"Yeah, we'll take everything,
941
00:42:07,834 --> 00:42:09,709
even the furniture,"
and I sat there.
942
00:42:09,792 --> 00:42:11,041
I was like--I raised my hand.
943
00:42:11,125 --> 00:42:13,709
I was like, "You can do that?
Like, you can--
944
00:42:13,792 --> 00:42:17,333
"you can take these people's
lives away from them?
945
00:42:17,417 --> 00:42:20,875
"Do we change the photos,
or do we laugh at these people
946
00:42:20,959 --> 00:42:23,709
that we obviously
beat at life?"
947
00:42:23,792 --> 00:42:26,250
We beat them.
948
00:42:26,333 --> 00:42:27,792
I want to be richer than that.
949
00:42:27,875 --> 00:42:29,250
I want to make
more money than that.
950
00:42:29,333 --> 00:42:30,792
I want to be so much--
951
00:42:30,875 --> 00:42:33,458
I want to walk in,
"Yeah, I'll take everything,
952
00:42:33,542 --> 00:42:36,041
even the kids.
953
00:42:36,125 --> 00:42:38,792
"You know what? Come in
the bathroom and watch me shit.
954
00:42:38,875 --> 00:42:40,834
I got money now."
955
00:42:47,667 --> 00:42:52,375
My wife, she makes me
be friends with her friends.
956
00:42:52,458 --> 00:42:55,291
And usually her friends
have a kid my kid's age,
957
00:42:55,375 --> 00:42:57,542
and that's why
we're supposed to be friends
958
00:42:57,625 --> 00:43:02,458
but usually, like, they work
in finance, and I do this.
959
00:43:02,542 --> 00:43:05,250
And there's this one guy.
I hate him--his name's Daryl.
960
00:43:05,333 --> 00:43:07,000
I shouldn't use his name,
but I'm using it.
961
00:43:07,083 --> 00:43:10,500
His name is Daryl,
and he's a piece of shit.
962
00:43:10,583 --> 00:43:14,375
And we got set up on a date,
and he showed up,
963
00:43:14,458 --> 00:43:16,542
and he brought
a eight ball of cocaine.
964
00:43:16,625 --> 00:43:18,417
He brought
a full eight ball of--
965
00:43:18,500 --> 00:43:20,667
I don't do--
I guess I have cocaine face.
966
00:43:20,750 --> 00:43:22,959
I don't do it. I don't.
967
00:43:23,041 --> 00:43:25,291
So, when he showed up,
I was like, "I don't do that."
968
00:43:25,375 --> 00:43:26,542
And he was like,
"Well, what do you do?"
969
00:43:26,625 --> 00:43:27,959
I was like,
"I smoke weed and do shrooms."
970
00:43:28,041 --> 00:43:29,458
He's like, "Let's do shrooms."
971
00:43:29,542 --> 00:43:34,333
And the way Daryl said,
"Let's do shrooms"...
972
00:43:34,417 --> 00:43:37,417
I was like, "Daryl has
obviously done shrooms before."
973
00:43:37,500 --> 00:43:40,458
Nope, that's not
what happened at all.
974
00:43:40,542 --> 00:43:42,250
My favorite thing
to do on shrooms
975
00:43:42,333 --> 00:43:44,667
is to go
to the Cheesecake Factory.
976
00:43:44,750 --> 00:43:46,291
It's amazing.
977
00:43:46,375 --> 00:43:48,834
Whoever designed that place
is a genius.
978
00:43:48,917 --> 00:43:52,000
There's Egyptian sculptures
all over the place.
979
00:43:52,083 --> 00:43:54,417
Once I make money,
he's doing my house.
980
00:43:56,792 --> 00:43:58,709
So me and Daryl get
to the Cheesecake Factory.
981
00:43:58,792 --> 00:44:01,250
He's not doing too well, okay?
982
00:44:01,333 --> 00:44:03,542
He's sweating a lot.
He won't drink his piña colada.
983
00:44:03,625 --> 00:44:05,125
It's a problem.
984
00:44:06,959 --> 00:44:08,041
Next thing you know, he goes,
985
00:44:08,125 --> 00:44:10,083
"I need to go to the bathroom.
Please come with me."
986
00:44:10,166 --> 00:44:12,083
I go, "Absolutely not."
987
00:44:13,792 --> 00:44:16,792
So now I'm sitting there alone,
which feels like five minutes.
988
00:44:16,875 --> 00:44:19,000
Like, he's gone
for five minutes.
989
00:44:19,083 --> 00:44:20,583
But that's not
the truth at all.
990
00:44:20,667 --> 00:44:23,625
Must've been, like,
two and a half hours...
991
00:44:23,709 --> 00:44:25,834
'cause I get a phone call
from my wife, and she goes,
992
00:44:25,917 --> 00:44:26,875
"Where are you?"
993
00:44:26,959 --> 00:44:29,375
And I was like, "I'm
at the Cheesecake Factory."
994
00:44:29,458 --> 00:44:31,959
And she's like,
"Oh, you're on shrooms?"
995
00:44:35,750 --> 00:44:37,583
And I was like,
"Yeah, me and Daryl
996
00:44:37,667 --> 00:44:39,458
are having a great time--
he went to the bathroom."
997
00:44:39,542 --> 00:44:41,750
And she goes,
"No, he didn't, Ricky.
998
00:44:41,834 --> 00:44:45,083
"He went home...
999
00:44:45,166 --> 00:44:48,500
"picked up his child while
in an argument with his wife,
1000
00:44:48,583 --> 00:44:51,333
and then dropped the baby."
1001
00:44:51,417 --> 00:44:53,375
As my wife tells me this,
1002
00:44:53,458 --> 00:44:56,250
I get Daryl's name
on my phone.
1003
00:44:56,333 --> 00:44:59,583
I'm like, "Oh, he's calling.
Let me pick up. I'm funny.
1004
00:44:59,667 --> 00:45:01,125
What's up, Butterfingers?"
1005
00:45:01,208 --> 00:45:03,208
Right? I just hit him
with a Butterfingers.
1006
00:45:03,291 --> 00:45:06,709
It's funny. It's a funny joke.
1007
00:45:06,792 --> 00:45:09,417
It wasn't Daryl.
It was--it was his wife.
1008
00:45:09,500 --> 00:45:11,542
It was really bad.
1009
00:45:11,625 --> 00:45:13,458
And she goes,
"I just want to let you know,
1010
00:45:13,542 --> 00:45:15,125
"I'm calling the police
on you, Mr. Velez,
1011
00:45:15,208 --> 00:45:17,208
"and letting them know
that you have narcotics
1012
00:45:17,291 --> 00:45:19,792
in a home with a child."
1013
00:45:19,875 --> 00:45:23,792
And now I'm on shrooms
at the Cheesecake Factory...
1014
00:45:23,875 --> 00:45:26,417
drinking my third piña colada,
1015
00:45:28,375 --> 00:45:32,208
And I realize I don't have
any shrooms in my house.
1016
00:45:32,291 --> 00:45:35,208
Daryl fucking ate them all.
1017
00:45:35,291 --> 00:45:37,625
So then I called the cops,
and I let them know
1018
00:45:37,709 --> 00:45:41,583
that Daryl had an eight ball
of cocaine in his pocket.
1019
00:45:45,375 --> 00:45:46,875
And now our kids aren't allowed
1020
00:45:46,959 --> 00:45:49,750
to go to the same school
next year.
1021
00:45:51,834 --> 00:45:56,041
But I think that has more to do
with him dropping the baby.
1022
00:46:03,083 --> 00:46:06,166
Me and my wife, we fight a lot.
1023
00:46:06,250 --> 00:46:09,667
She's better at it 'cause
she's more educated than me.
1024
00:46:11,583 --> 00:46:13,667
She went to a very good school,
1025
00:46:13,750 --> 00:46:16,792
and I went to a college
with a commercial.
1026
00:46:19,709 --> 00:46:22,208
And I worked at McDonald's.
1027
00:46:24,542 --> 00:46:27,417
She fights with me,
but she's better at it.
1028
00:46:27,500 --> 00:46:29,208
And every time we get into it,
1029
00:46:29,291 --> 00:46:31,500
she buys a book,
puts it on my bedside table
1030
00:46:31,583 --> 00:46:34,625
for me to educate myself.
1031
00:46:36,375 --> 00:46:39,333
But I don't believe
in just book education.
1032
00:46:39,417 --> 00:46:40,709
I'm sorry, I don't.
1033
00:46:40,792 --> 00:46:41,750
I grew up in New York City.
1034
00:46:41,834 --> 00:46:43,583
New York has taught me
everything I fucking know.
1035
00:46:43,667 --> 00:46:45,208
So, when I get
into fights with her,
1036
00:46:45,291 --> 00:46:48,500
I bring that shit to the--
I bring it to the front door.
1037
00:46:50,291 --> 00:46:51,917
We go out
with this other couple.
1038
00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:54,709
This woman starts with the
"women are hornier than men."
1039
00:46:54,792 --> 00:46:56,083
Stop it, stop it.
1040
00:46:56,166 --> 00:46:58,166
No, you're not, women.
You're not.
1041
00:46:58,250 --> 00:47:00,000
My wife takes her side.
1042
00:47:00,083 --> 00:47:02,417
"Well, I read an article
about the chemical balance,"
1043
00:47:02,500 --> 00:47:05,500
and now I'm wrong,
my wife buys a book,
1044
00:47:05,583 --> 00:47:07,166
it's on my bedside table,
1045
00:47:07,250 --> 00:47:11,166
I don't read it 'cause I'm
dyslexic, and it's triggering.
1046
00:47:13,709 --> 00:47:16,000
And I read the back.
1047
00:47:16,083 --> 00:47:17,917
And I read
the back of the book,
1048
00:47:18,000 --> 00:47:19,291
and the back of the book said
1049
00:47:19,375 --> 00:47:21,208
it was written
by a male scientist.
1050
00:47:21,291 --> 00:47:23,000
Why the fuck
does a male scientist
1051
00:47:23,083 --> 00:47:24,959
get to write a book
about women being horny?
1052
00:47:25,041 --> 00:47:26,333
That's--
1053
00:47:26,417 --> 00:47:27,917
No, women, you're clapping
1054
00:47:28,000 --> 00:47:30,625
because you're a woman
and you think it's power.
1055
00:47:30,709 --> 00:47:32,959
It's--no.
1056
00:47:33,041 --> 00:47:36,792
I'm looking at it like this.
Watch this, this is crazy.
1057
00:47:36,875 --> 00:47:39,208
Guys, clap your hands if--
1058
00:47:39,291 --> 00:47:41,041
how many of your boys
you grew up with,
1059
00:47:41,125 --> 00:47:42,709
like, the guy that got pussy,
1060
00:47:42,792 --> 00:47:45,041
how many of those guys
turned into scientists?
1061
00:47:45,125 --> 00:47:46,542
Clap your hands.
1062
00:47:46,625 --> 00:47:49,583
[laughter]
1063
00:47:51,625 --> 00:47:53,542
Because you don't learn
that far if you get it.
1064
00:47:53,625 --> 00:47:55,792
Like, you don't
have to become a scientist.
1065
00:47:55,875 --> 00:47:58,125
You got pussy. Like, you--
1066
00:48:01,125 --> 00:48:02,959
Everybody stops learning
at the age they fuck.
1067
00:48:03,041 --> 00:48:05,542
That's the truth.
That's the truth.
1068
00:48:05,625 --> 00:48:07,458
That's why you meet
construction workers.
1069
00:48:07,542 --> 00:48:09,500
You're like, "When'd you fuck?"
And they're like, "11!"
1070
00:48:09,583 --> 00:48:11,959
And you're like, "Yeah,
that makes a lot of sense.
1071
00:48:12,041 --> 00:48:13,458
"That makes a lot of sense.
1072
00:48:13,542 --> 00:48:17,542
"You were good at blocks,
and now you do adult blocks.
1073
00:48:17,625 --> 00:48:21,250
"I understand
the trajectory of your life.
1074
00:48:21,333 --> 00:48:25,625
Stickers turned into cash.
It's cool. I get it."
1075
00:48:25,709 --> 00:48:27,959
My wife, she--
she wouldn't stop with it.
1076
00:48:28,041 --> 00:48:29,458
And we kept going.
1077
00:48:29,542 --> 00:48:31,750
Women, you're not
hornier than me.
1078
00:48:31,834 --> 00:48:33,125
I grew up in this city.
1079
00:48:33,208 --> 00:48:35,250
Every two to three weeks
in this city,
1080
00:48:35,333 --> 00:48:37,375
a dude jumps on the train,
just takes out his dick,
1081
00:48:37,458 --> 00:48:40,125
even through pandemic.
1082
00:48:40,208 --> 00:48:43,959
There was limited trains.
They were still doing it.
1083
00:48:44,041 --> 00:48:46,000
They just get on the train--
you know, they're like,
1084
00:48:46,083 --> 00:48:48,333
"You know what?
I paid my $2.75.
1085
00:48:48,417 --> 00:48:51,792
It's dick time. Let me
take my dick out right now."
1086
00:48:51,875 --> 00:48:55,041
And he goes to jail, he makes
the front page of the paper.
1087
00:48:55,125 --> 00:48:57,375
There's a viral video
of a girl crying--
1088
00:48:57,458 --> 00:49:00,000
"I was on the train.
I saw the dick."
1089
00:49:03,208 --> 00:49:05,792
"Every time I blink,
I see the dick."
1090
00:49:08,375 --> 00:49:09,667
It's a dick, just look at it.
1091
00:49:09,750 --> 00:49:12,083
Like, if you're as horny as me,
just look at the dick.
1092
00:49:12,166 --> 00:49:14,834
Worst-case scenario, it's gonna
poke you in the jacket.
1093
00:49:14,917 --> 00:49:18,291
That's a dry-cleaning bill.
Like--
1094
00:49:18,375 --> 00:49:22,917
if you're just as horny as me,
look at the dick.
1095
00:49:23,000 --> 00:49:26,250
Right? You feel me?
Like, is this your girl?
1096
00:49:27,792 --> 00:49:30,375
Yeah. Just be honest.
1097
00:49:30,458 --> 00:49:32,875
Me and you, we're hanging out
on the train, right?
1098
00:49:32,959 --> 00:49:34,375
Just chilling.
What's your name?
1099
00:49:34,458 --> 00:49:35,542
- Brian.
- Brian.
1100
00:49:35,625 --> 00:49:37,041
Me and Brian
chilling on the train.
1101
00:49:37,125 --> 00:49:39,291
Next thing you know,
woman jumps on the train,
1102
00:49:39,375 --> 00:49:41,125
rips out her snatch,
starts fisting herself
1103
00:49:41,208 --> 00:49:42,583
up to the elbow, right?
1104
00:49:42,667 --> 00:49:45,375
Me and Brian's like,
"That's crazy. What's that?"
1105
00:49:45,458 --> 00:49:47,500
Next thing you know,
she takes out her titty,
1106
00:49:47,583 --> 00:49:49,834
and she smacks me in the face
with it, Brian,
1107
00:49:49,917 --> 00:49:51,667
and then she smacks you
in the face with it.
1108
00:49:51,750 --> 00:49:54,417
Yes or no,
are we calling the police?
1109
00:49:55,750 --> 00:49:57,834
Brian!
1110
00:49:57,917 --> 00:50:00,542
No, we're not calling
the police.
1111
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:05,417
No, we're not calling
the police, bro.
1112
00:50:05,500 --> 00:50:08,500
We're calling our friends.
"Get the fuck on the train."
1113
00:50:10,250 --> 00:50:12,709
"Get the fuck on the train.
1114
00:50:12,792 --> 00:50:17,417
It's finally happening.
It's finally happening!"
1115
00:50:17,500 --> 00:50:21,709
You'd buy a monthly MetroCard,
you dirty bastard.
1116
00:50:24,542 --> 00:50:26,458
I love my wife,
but she gave me a disease.
1117
00:50:26,542 --> 00:50:28,041
I don't know
if you guys know about it.
1118
00:50:28,125 --> 00:50:31,041
It's called anxiety.
It's a white-people disease.
1119
00:50:31,125 --> 00:50:33,500
I caught it from my Jewish wife
when she sneezed on me.
1120
00:50:33,583 --> 00:50:36,458
That's how you get it.
That's how it's passed around.
1121
00:50:36,542 --> 00:50:37,875
She was like, "Ah-choo."
1122
00:50:37,959 --> 00:50:40,917
And I was like,
"I'm nervous about everything."
1123
00:50:41,000 --> 00:50:43,709
What a privileged disease.
1124
00:50:43,792 --> 00:50:44,875
What a privilege.
1125
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:46,834
There's no such thing
as anxiety in the hood, right?
1126
00:50:46,917 --> 00:50:48,834
Like, there's no gangbanger
in the hood tonight like,
1127
00:50:48,917 --> 00:50:51,208
"Yo, I can't do a drive-by.
Too many dudes in the car.
1128
00:50:51,291 --> 00:50:52,875
I feel like the walls
are caving in."
1129
00:50:52,959 --> 00:50:56,542
Like, it's just me being like,
"I'm nervous."
1130
00:50:56,625 --> 00:50:57,959
About what? "I don't know!"
1131
00:50:58,041 --> 00:51:01,333
Like, it's just
some bitch shit.
1132
00:51:03,750 --> 00:51:06,291
The minute you get it,
they put you on the pills.
1133
00:51:06,375 --> 00:51:07,750
I don't like
being on the pills.
1134
00:51:07,834 --> 00:51:09,250
I don't. They put me on Xanax.
1135
00:51:09,333 --> 00:51:11,291
If you want Xanax,
just go to your doctor
1136
00:51:11,375 --> 00:51:14,458
and tell him
you have feelings.
1137
00:51:14,542 --> 00:51:17,834
And he will kill
every single one of those.
1138
00:51:17,917 --> 00:51:20,250
He gave me a full thing--he's
like, "Come back in 30 days."
1139
00:51:20,333 --> 00:51:22,083
I came back.
He was like, "How do you feel?"
1140
00:51:22,166 --> 00:51:25,667
I was like, "I don't."
He was like, "Perfect."
1141
00:51:25,750 --> 00:51:28,500
I started smoking weed
strictly for my anxiety,
1142
00:51:28,583 --> 00:51:30,083
but that doesn't help here.
1143
00:51:30,166 --> 00:51:32,250
It really doesn't.
It's not for this city.
1144
00:51:32,333 --> 00:51:34,792
It's not good here.
It's just terrible.
1145
00:51:34,875 --> 00:51:36,667
Like, you're just high
on a sub--
1146
00:51:36,750 --> 00:51:38,125
I've been high on the subway,
1147
00:51:38,208 --> 00:51:41,166
and it's been
the worst situation every time.
1148
00:51:41,250 --> 00:51:43,333
Like, emergency subway rides
1149
00:51:43,417 --> 00:51:45,166
are the worst
while you're high.
1150
00:51:45,250 --> 00:51:49,125
I'm high on the train one day,
going to work, holding a pole.
1151
00:51:49,208 --> 00:51:50,500
Standing there
holding the pole.
1152
00:51:50,583 --> 00:51:53,709
Seems like a normal day
of pole holding going down.
1153
00:51:53,792 --> 00:51:55,667
This guy starts
holding the pole with me.
1154
00:51:55,750 --> 00:51:58,542
Two dudes holding the pole,
very fucking normal.
1155
00:51:58,625 --> 00:52:00,125
Nope, he's a weirdo.
1156
00:52:00,208 --> 00:52:04,500
Takes his finger,
puts it in my pocket.
1157
00:52:04,583 --> 00:52:07,458
And now I'm high on the train
with a finger in my pocket.
1158
00:52:07,542 --> 00:52:09,375
What do you do?
1159
00:52:09,458 --> 00:52:11,208
What do you do?
You fight that man.
1160
00:52:11,291 --> 00:52:12,792
That's what a man does--
not me.
1161
00:52:12,875 --> 00:52:16,792
I am not a man. I am fun size.
I told you this.
1162
00:52:16,875 --> 00:52:18,208
I did not fight him.
1163
00:52:18,291 --> 00:52:20,041
I just turned to him
and said, "No, thank you."
1164
00:52:20,125 --> 00:52:23,375
That's all I said,
"No, thank you."
1165
00:52:23,458 --> 00:52:26,834
Like, he caught me
on the wrong day.
1166
00:52:26,917 --> 00:52:28,542
Like, if it was Sunday,
I would've been like,
1167
00:52:28,625 --> 00:52:30,000
"Fuck work.
Let's hang out, man.
1168
00:52:30,083 --> 00:52:32,500
You seem cool."
1169
00:52:34,417 --> 00:52:35,792
I was high on the train once.
1170
00:52:35,875 --> 00:52:38,500
A homeless guy got on the train
doing splits for a dollar.
1171
00:52:38,583 --> 00:52:41,709
I bought four.
That's a great price.
1172
00:52:41,792 --> 00:52:45,792
Four homeless splits in a row--
I'm buying that every time.
1173
00:52:50,458 --> 00:52:52,291
But he ripped me off.
It's New York.
1174
00:52:52,375 --> 00:52:53,667
He had a prosthetic leg.
1175
00:52:53,750 --> 00:52:56,875
He just took it off
and laid down and got up,
1176
00:52:56,959 --> 00:52:59,083
laid down and got up.
1177
00:53:01,667 --> 00:53:04,083
I paid him. Respect the hustle.
1178
00:53:07,500 --> 00:53:09,000
My wife makes me
be better, though.
1179
00:53:09,083 --> 00:53:10,083
She makes me go to therapy.
1180
00:53:10,166 --> 00:53:11,792
Well, I fire my therapist
a lot.
1181
00:53:11,875 --> 00:53:13,625
I fire--
1182
00:53:13,709 --> 00:53:15,917
I love firing my thera--
every time I make money,
1183
00:53:16,000 --> 00:53:17,792
because I don't come
from good values
1184
00:53:17,875 --> 00:53:21,375
and I believe
money buys you happiness.
1185
00:53:21,458 --> 00:53:23,583
If you don't believe that,
you don't know where to shop.
1186
00:53:23,667 --> 00:53:25,208
Like, you don't.
1187
00:53:27,667 --> 00:53:29,625
Every time I make money,
I fire her.
1188
00:53:29,709 --> 00:53:31,083
I fire her 'cause I'm happy.
1189
00:53:31,166 --> 00:53:32,417
She's like,
"You're still depressed."
1190
00:53:32,500 --> 00:53:35,625
I'm like,
"Bitch, I'm on a boat."
1191
00:53:35,709 --> 00:53:37,750
[laughs]
1192
00:53:39,333 --> 00:53:41,709
I fired her
because of this special.
1193
00:53:44,208 --> 00:53:45,709
I did.
1194
00:53:45,792 --> 00:53:47,333
She's like, "Ricky,
you're still not happy."
1195
00:53:47,417 --> 00:53:50,333
I was like, "Yes, I am."
She's like, "No, you're not."
1196
00:53:50,417 --> 00:53:52,458
She goes, "I bet you still
sat on the floor
1197
00:53:52,542 --> 00:53:54,417
when you took a shower today."
1198
00:53:54,500 --> 00:53:57,667
I was like, "I tell you
way too much."
1199
00:53:59,583 --> 00:54:02,917
She goes, "Well, did you sit on
the floor when you showered?"
1200
00:54:03,000 --> 00:54:05,291
And I went, "No.
Like I told you, I made money.
1201
00:54:05,375 --> 00:54:07,083
I bought a chair."
1202
00:54:09,000 --> 00:54:10,667
"You're fired."
1203
00:54:12,417 --> 00:54:15,333
Just find your happiness.
I'll leave on this.
1204
00:54:15,417 --> 00:54:17,834
Find your happiness.
1205
00:54:17,917 --> 00:54:19,000
Find it.
1206
00:54:19,083 --> 00:54:21,333
Do what you need to do
to be okay.
1207
00:54:21,417 --> 00:54:22,875
Life's tough.
1208
00:54:22,959 --> 00:54:25,333
My favorite thing in the world
right now is Facebook.
1209
00:54:25,417 --> 00:54:26,667
I love Facebook.
1210
00:54:26,750 --> 00:54:29,500
I fucking love Facebook
with everything I got,
1211
00:54:29,583 --> 00:54:31,208
'cause I get to watch
all the kids
1212
00:54:31,291 --> 00:54:33,542
that ruined my life as a child,
I get to watch them as adults
1213
00:54:33,625 --> 00:54:35,750
have terrible lives
on Facebook.
1214
00:54:37,375 --> 00:54:40,125
And if you don't use it
that way, you're fucking up.
1215
00:54:42,125 --> 00:54:44,375
This one kid stole my bike
in the 3rd grade,
1216
00:54:44,458 --> 00:54:45,667
stole my wallet in the 12th.
1217
00:54:45,750 --> 00:54:50,250
I get push notifications
to my phone...
1218
00:54:50,333 --> 00:54:53,125
every time he writes a status,,
and it's hilarious.
1219
00:54:53,208 --> 00:54:54,667
I love them, all of them.
1220
00:54:54,750 --> 00:54:57,000
The other day, he wrote
a status to his dead dad.
1221
00:54:57,083 --> 00:54:59,250
"Hey, dead dad,
love you, miss you.
1222
00:54:59,333 --> 00:55:01,166
Hope I never disappoint you."
Fuck you.
1223
00:55:01,250 --> 00:55:02,542
Like your dad's
up in Heaven like,
1224
00:55:02,625 --> 00:55:03,834
"Yo, let me check my Facebook."
1225
00:55:03,917 --> 00:55:05,709
Like, that's so dumb.
1226
00:55:05,792 --> 00:55:08,166
And if you're not laughing,
you write those posts,
1227
00:55:08,250 --> 00:55:10,875
so fuck you, too.
1228
00:55:10,959 --> 00:55:12,250
No one even liked his status,
1229
00:55:12,333 --> 00:55:15,792
so I made a Facebook as his
dad, and I wrote him back.
1230
00:55:17,208 --> 00:55:20,583
I was like,
"Hey, it's me, dead dad.
1231
00:55:20,667 --> 00:55:23,000
"Just got back from
the Tupac/Biggie concert.
1232
00:55:23,083 --> 00:55:25,166
"That was a lot of fun.
1233
00:55:25,250 --> 00:55:26,667
"P.S., you are
a disappointment,
1234
00:55:26,750 --> 00:55:29,875
and Ricky Velez
wants his bike back, bitch."
1235
00:55:29,959 --> 00:55:31,917
Have a good night.
1236
00:55:32,000 --> 00:55:35,834
[cheers and applause]
1237
00:55:35,917 --> 00:55:39,083
[Machine Gun Kelly's
"Play This When I'm Gone"]
1238
00:55:39,166 --> 00:55:45,750
♪ ♪
1239
00:55:45,834 --> 00:55:47,333
- ♪ I'm writing you
this message ♪
1240
00:55:47,417 --> 00:55:50,375
♪ Just so I could say
that I love you ♪
1241
00:55:50,458 --> 00:55:53,000
♪ ♪
1242
00:55:53,083 --> 00:55:57,750
♪ I had to let you know that
everything about me was you ♪
1243
00:55:57,834 --> 00:55:59,750
♪ Yeah ♪
1244
00:55:59,834 --> 00:56:01,709
♪ I think it's time
for me to leave ♪
1245
00:56:01,792 --> 00:56:05,959
♪ But I'll never leave you ♪
1246
00:56:06,041 --> 00:56:07,875
♪ I just looked
at your picture ♪
1247
00:56:07,959 --> 00:56:11,166
♪ So the last thing I did
was see you ♪
1248
00:56:11,250 --> 00:56:13,375
♪ ♪
1249
00:56:13,458 --> 00:56:16,083
♪ I'm not gonna lie
and tell you ♪
1250
00:56:16,166 --> 00:56:18,166
- Mommy, dance.
1251
00:56:18,250 --> 00:56:21,291
[vocalizing]
1252
00:56:24,959 --> 00:56:27,458
- ♪ It's all right ♪
1253
00:56:27,542 --> 00:56:29,417
♪ I wrote you this song ♪
1254
00:56:29,500 --> 00:56:32,458
- [shouting]
1255
00:56:34,500 --> 00:56:38,250
[cheers and applause]
1256
00:56:38,333 --> 00:56:39,750
- Yeah!
1257
00:56:39,834 --> 00:56:41,792
One more, one more.
1258
00:56:41,875 --> 00:56:45,500
- ♪ And I'll miss you,
I'll miss you ♪
1259
00:56:45,583 --> 00:56:48,834
♪ I'll miss you,
I'll miss you, yeah ♪
1260
00:56:48,917 --> 00:56:50,792
♪ And I'll miss you ♪
1261
00:56:50,875 --> 00:56:54,291
♪ I'll miss you,
I'll miss you ♪
1262
00:56:54,375 --> 00:56:55,959
♪ I'll miss you ♪
1263
00:56:56,041 --> 00:56:57,959
♪ And I'll miss you,
I'll miss you ♪
1264
00:56:58,041 --> 00:56:59,625
♪ I'll miss you,
I'll miss you ♪
1265
00:56:59,709 --> 00:57:01,542
♪ I'll miss you,
I'll miss you ♪
1266
00:57:01,625 --> 00:57:03,000
♪ I'll miss you, yeah ♪
1267
00:57:03,083 --> 00:57:04,792
♪ And I'll miss you,
and I'll miss you ♪
1268
00:57:04,875 --> 00:57:06,875
♪ I'll miss you,
I'll miss you ♪
1269
00:57:06,959 --> 00:57:08,667
♪ I'll miss you,
I'll miss you ♪
1270
00:57:08,750 --> 00:57:10,041
♪ I'll miss you ♪
1271
00:57:10,125 --> 00:57:13,834
♪ And I'll miss you,
I'll miss you ♪
1272
00:57:13,917 --> 00:57:17,667
♪ I'll miss you,
I'll miss you, yeah ♪
1273
00:57:17,750 --> 00:57:20,709
[bright tone]