Downloaded from YTS.MX
♪ There's something I think you should know ♪
Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX
♪ Don't make me tell you on the telephone ♪
♪ If I don't say it soon I'll bust ♪
♪ It's that important
♪ It seems I miss the times before ♪
♪ When your sweet fawning was a pleasant bore ♪
♪ Turns out I crave your clinging touch ♪
♪ I felt important
♪ That day I left I was invincible but ♪
♪ Tonight I can't be held responsible ♪
♪ For what I might do if I can't get back with you ♪
♪ Oh, what I might, what I might what I might do, ah ♪
♪ What I might do if I can't get back with you ♪
♪ I would hate to be you if I did ♪
♪ What I might do
♪ It's what you've dreamt of how I ache ♪
♪ Can't you forgive a little big mistake? ♪
♪ How did I drop you just to break? ♪
♪ It's not important
♪ 'Cause now I've had a change of heart ♪
♪ So don't you think to try to play it smart ♪
-[door closes] -No, I-- I get it, Gina, I do.
If not now, then when? And, you know,
Halloween would make a great anniversary
considering how much Malcolm loves my candy corn cupcakes.
[Gina] Look, you just need to follow through with it.
We've been friends for years. What am I supposed to do?
-Just grab him and kiss him? -Yes.
Do it all while you're setting up for the party.
[Henry] But the problem is Mal has to work late.
So even if I wanted to kiss him--
[Gina] Then do it right when he gets there.
Hi, Malcolm.[kisses]
[laughs] Yeah. No, I don't think so.
Then you say something like, "I've loved you since--" Oh,
Henry, it's the New Zealand job on the other line.
-I've got to run. -[Henry] Okay. Yeah.
I'll see you tonight.
-[phone dropping] -Argh!
♪ What I might what I might do, ah ♪
♪ What I might do if I can't get back with you ♪
♪ And I would hate to be you if I did ♪
♪ What I might do what I might ♪
♪ What I might, what I might
♪ What I might do
♪ I would hate to be you if I did ♪
♪ What I might do what I might do ♪
♪ What I might do
-Hey, Mal! -[Mal] Hey.
-You finally made it. -Trick or treat.
-Come on in. -[Mal] Thanks.
[loud bang]
[piano key plays]
Hello, trick or treat!
Hey, you! It's about time you got here.
-I'm sorry I'm late. -Mm-hmm.
Uh, but I think that Henry filled me in.
So, the Ouija board just spelled "cake."
And you brought an actual orb from the spirit world?
Uh, and Gina also brought Carl. Carl, Malcolm. Mal, Carl.
-It's very nice to meet you. -[Gina] Carl just moved to L.A.
I couldn't leave him alone on Halloween.
-Mm, yeah, you really could. -No, I could not have.
Besides, we need an even number for the Ouija board to work.
I'm gonna have to object to any sentence that includes
both the words "Ouija board" and "work."
-[chuckles] Carl's skeptic. -[Mal] Help me out here.
What's not working about Ouija board that announces dessert?
Speaking of dessert.
Yes. Oh, thank you, Henry, and baby Jesus.
I thought I would be here too late for your epic candy corn cupcakes.
So you two have been together for--
Oh, oh. We're not together.
No, God, no. [chuckles] Uh, we're friends.
And-- But yeah, we've been friends for more than 12 years.
-It's a long time. -[Gina] It is.
They have the most amazing meet cute.
Malcolm was the R. A. in Henry's freshman dorm.
Meet cute? Are you kidding me?
We met in the bathroom after my first ever college party.
I was throwing up. I'm still so sorry.
Oh, no, you've long since paid me back.
It's that Mal stayed in there with you all night long
-that makes it so damn cute. -Just doing my job, ma'am.
Oh, hey, Henry, I've been meaning to ask you.
Any recent sightings of hot neighbor guy?
Uh...
...I may have seen him again this morning.
I don't believe I've heard about hot neighbor guy.
You're gonna make a move on him?
Kiss him passionately, throw him to the ground,
fuck his brains out?
God, who raised you?
He's just a new neighbor who's... hot.
I saw him last week. His real name should be
-"Red hot neighbor guy." -Red?
[together] Red is the color of the recently deceased.
[both laughing]
Okay, are you gonna... [claps]
...explain that or just private joke me to death?
-They went to a seance last week. -Oh, really?
It was research for a segment I'm producing.
That's where I got the orb.
It was fun. Right, Carl?
So much fun.
There was a spirit guide named Pat.
And every other word out of her mouth was
"Red is the color of the recently deceased."
[laughing]
She was a little over the top.
Did anything red show up?
Uh, you are adorable.
Sadly, no. We didn't make contact with the spirit world
because the dimensional portal failed to open.
[Carl] Mm, you didn't make contact
because there's no such thing as ghosts.
That we know of. And they prefer to be called spirits.
Oh.
-[sighs] -Oh.
Boom. The orb.
Oh. Whoa!
Oh, it's like a giant mood ring.
That's exactly what I said.
"Orb from the spirit world," my Black ass.
It reacts to the heat from your hands, case closed.
Malcolm, show a little respect.
It's not a snow globe.
My mood ring never did that.
-God, maybe I'm dead. -[Henry chuckles]
Oh, I guess I shouldn't be worried
unless it turns red, right?
Oh, kind of like red hot neighbor guy.
-Maybe he's dead. -Only if you kill him in a jealous rage.
-What? -Will you look at the time?
It is the bewitching hour, Carl.
-We must go. -[all muttering] Oh.
-[Gina smooching] -[indistinct speech]
[men sigh]
Oh, no, no, Henry.
Don't walk us out. You have things to do.
[Henry] Okay, bye.
You don't have to do that.
Well, the orb still isn't red, so I guess the ghost maid isn't gonna make it tonight.
Okay, here, here, give it to me.
Thank you.
So tell me more about hot neighbor guy.
Oh... [sighs] there's not much to--
He just moved in across the street.
Are you going to, uh...
How did Gina put it?
"Throw him down and, uh, kiss him passionately?"
Or, maybe slightly more reasonably, ask him out on a date?
[chuckles] And break my forever alone streak?
I don't think so. [chuckles]
-Do you want to-- -Do you mind if I crash on your couch tonight?
I have an early appointment with a new client tomorrow
and all of that sugar is, uh,
about to make my eyes roll back in my head.
Of course, I have to get up early too
to finish up the photo edits for the Succulent and Plant Society.
What kind of a name is that?
-Be nice. -Oh, yeah, tough guy.
Oh.
-Listen-- -Malcolm, I--
Sorry, go ahead.
-You go first. -No, no, you.
Gina thinks my forever alone streak would magically disappear
if I just...
[wind blowing]
[loud knocking]
[switch clicks]
[door opens]
[eerie whooshing]
[wind whistling]
What the hell?
[door closes]
-[thunder rumbling] -[voices whispering]
I think the shenanigans part of Halloween has begun,
although I'm not sure why it suddenly started thundering.
Malcolm?
[snoring]
Oh, God, okay. You don't have to pretend to be asleep.
We don't have to talk, I shouldn't have kissed you.
I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable.
[soft music]
[switch clicks]
[birds chirping]
[groans]
Hey, Mal, it's me.
Uh, your car is gone, so you must have left pretty early.
And I know that you're at that meeting, so no worries, um--
I just wanted to let you know that your bag's here
in case that you need it.
Today's a running day for me, so...
...I'll be out for about an hour.
Look, I'm really sorry if I made things weird last night.
Okay. Bye.
[mysterious music]
[moans]
Where's my phone?
[groans] What time is it?
[groans] Whoa.
Okay.
[sighs]
Ooh.
[chuckles]
Henry, what was in those cupcakes?
Oh.
[groans]
[sighs]
[groans]
Shit!
Henry, I was supposed to be out of here two hours ago.
Why didn't you wake me up?
Whoa, that was weird.
Hey, Henry, are you home?
Whoa.
Man, something is not right.
[groans and gasps]
[groans]
[mysterious music continues]
[sighs] Are you kidding me? [groans]
What the hell?
[gasps]
Am I high?
[wind whistling]
[door opens]
Hello, marathon man.
-Thanks for waking me up. -[door closes]
Also what the hell was in those cupcakes?
-Because there's something really wrong with me. -Uh-huh.
Total disaster.
Yeah, I-- I did it, I kissed him.
But then some kid prank knocked on the front door and...
...when I came back, he was asleep,
or pretending to be asleep.
-I'm not sure which is worse. -Wait, you kissed
who? When?
Oh, no.
[sighs] Remember when I took that dark room workshop
and you're like, "Why don't you make prints of that cute guy you told me
you're still crushing on?" Only I wouldn't tell you who it was and--
-[Gina shouting on the phone] -What do you want me to say, Gina?
Yes, I've had a crush on Mal since forever.
Wait. What?
No, they're not creepy.
Anyway, I forgot about them.
But it looks like Malcolm found them before he left.
You're damn right I found them.
But, hello, I am over here.
Because he dumped them all over the floor and then took off.
Took off? I am right here!
Yeah, Mal was out of here before I woke up.
What's kind of weird though is that he didn't take his bag.
No, what's weird is that I am standing right here
and you're pretending not to see me! Hey--
[wind whistling]
Wow. Windy out.
-Hey. -[loud whoosh]
What is happening?
Of course, I left him a message.
I'm starting to get really worried.
He usually calls back right away.
That's strange. One of Malcolm's photos...
[sighs] Never mind. What were you saying?
Okay, that's fine.
I can play this I-can't-see-you game all day.
Hmm, try not to see this.
Oh, God, this shit is really heavy.
[groans]
This weird thing keeps happening.
I just picked up one of Malcolm's photos and...
...all of a sudden it's on the floor again.
Unless you really can't see or hear me.
-[sighs] It's probably nothing. -[photo rustling]
Yeah, I have to take a shower and clear my head.
Oh, yeah, great. Yeah, come on over.
Okay, sure. Alright.
Oh, will you let me know if he calls you?
Thanks.
Okay, okay.
You win, okay? Just stop.
I really don't remember kissing you
and I didn't have a clue you had a crush on me.
Okay, I had a clue but I didn't want to lose you as a friend,
which is how it happens for me I--
I get involved, I fuck it up, I lose a friend.
Um, excuse me.
[sighs]
[low bang]
You really can't see...
[insects chirping]
[door opens and closes]
-Henry? -I'm in the kitchen, I'll be right there.
Gina, Carl, please tell me you can see me
-because Henry can't, and I think it has something to do-- -How are you doing?
[sighs] Not too fucking well, if I'm being honest
because you can't see me either.
Uh, that's the one that kept ending up on the floor.
And you said the windows were shut so there wasn't a breeze?
-Hmm. -[Carl] Wait for it.
-It sounds like you have a ghost. -[Henry chuckles]
Well, I guess that means I'm really in trouble
because I know you've seen the movies,
I'm Black and I'm gay.
He's going to kill me twice.
[Gina] Do you want me to call Pat,
-that spirit guide? -No, God.
[Gina] I'm pretty sure she does exorcisms.
[Carl] Nobody ever wants you to call Pat.
Listen, Malcolm's drama is human drama.
You move throughout a room, you create your own breeze.
It happens. Look at me in my eyes and repeat after me.
This train does not stop at crazy town.
-Holy shit. -He's right.
I was pacing and this drama is very human.
I kissed Mal, he freaked and he ran,
I'm gonna call him again and apologize again,
and then he's gonna call me back,
and everything will go back to normal.
-[voices whispering] -[singing] "Red is the color of the recently deceased."
Holy shit.
Hey, Mal, it's me again.
Look, I-- I'm really sorry I overstepped.
Just please call me or-- or Gina.
Just call anyone, so I know you're okay.
But I'm not, I'm not okay.
I'm dead.
The...
...orb, the orb turned... [claps] turned red.
The orb turned red.
I'm a motherfucking ghost.
Does anyone want anything to drink?
[Carl] I wouldn't say no to some coffee.
How did I die though?
There must have been a car accident, but then--
Oh, my God, where's my body?
Am I lying in a ditch?
I am lying in a ditch and coyotes are eating my face
or, God, my balls, and you're serving cupcakes?
Oh, God, you don't know that I'm dead.
-Oh, God, I'm dea-- -[wind whistling]
Wow, it's getting windy again.
But if I'm lying in a ditch...
...being fought over by face-eating coyotes,
then why am I here?
Huh?
Why did ghost me come to your house, Henry,
to-- to haunt you, huh?
Is it because you know I'm dead?
Was it murder? Huh?
Huh.
The photos.
Were you stalking me?
Oh, my God.
What if I'm not in a ditch?
What if instead of in a ditch
I'm buried in your backyard and instead of coyotes
eating my face, it's-- it's worms and snakes, and-- and slug--
-[wind whistling] -[sighs] When did it get so windy?
It's been a really weird day.
I just wish Malcolm would call.
Except you're so worried.
You didn't murder me. Oh, you could never murder me. I-- [exhales]
I mean, I love you, but you're just not that good of an actor.
Oh, God, you're going to be so upset when they find my body.
[sighs]
Henry, I'm so sorry that I died.
[Gina] Try to get some sleep.
I'm sure Mal will show up in the morning.
Meanwhile, I think it's safe to say
-that you are not being haunted by ghosts. -Ha!
Bye.
So, I'm dead...
...and you don't believe I exist.
On the bright side though, I think I figured out how to walk again.
[exhales and breathes heavily]
How am I supposed to think with the television on, huh?
[sharp creaking]
[groans]
[chuckles]
No, no, no. [sighs]
I may be dead, but I am here.
[groans]
Fine.
You win. It's a shitty day anyway.
[switch clicks]
-[dramatic music] -[exhales]
Well, I'm not sleepy.
There's something that nobody talks about,
about being a ghost.
Well, obviously, this is really bothering you.
Whoa, I--
I just touched you. I thought I couldn't touch you.
Huh.
Holy shit.
-[dramatic musical sting] -[groans]
-[sighs] Is someone there? -God.
[wind whistling]
-[switch clicks] -[Mal groans]
-[sighs] -So windy.
Oh, God.
Well, let's see you ignore this, hmm?
[mysterious music]
[Mal groans]
[continues groaning]
[panting] Huh, perfect timing.
[Mal panting]
Well, no, I did not call or text, but if you look right here.
[sighs]
Okay, you want to put a robe on or no? Nothing?
No, no. Motherfucker!
[wind whistling]
Good, you're only mostly naked.
Listen. I am here and you have to deal with me.
[whimsical music]
[groans]
Wow.
Weird.
No, not weird. Scary.
Be scared.
I'm haunting you and it's fucking hard to do!
[sighs]
-Malcolm? -Henry?
[playful music]
How did you see me?
Uh, see me again.
Great.
Now I'm hallucinating.
Okay, I know. I'm sorry, you're working,
but you have to pay attention to me.
[groans]
Huh.
-Really? -Yes, let's play our game.
[TV playing]
It's fine. I can do this all day.
I can do this forever.
Wait.
[batteries rattling]
That's fine.
I can press other stuff.
[chuckles] Okay.
[groans]
[groans and pants]
Okay, all right.
Now that I have your attention,
let me try to bring up some kind of word, doc or something.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Fine, fine!
Don't tell me where you're going,
or when you'll be back.
I'll just be here.
For eternity.
Just kind of dead.
Very dead.
Very much regretting I did not kiss you when I had the chance.
♪ Love is exhausted and cannot rise ♪
♪ With aching bones and blood shot eyes ♪
♪ Let's put away this score we keep ♪
♪ Love is exhausted
♪ Let it sleep
♪ Heaven is waiting
-What you been up to? -[plastic bag rustling]
Ooh.
[plastic bag rustling]
Oh, Thai food.
-[phone ringing] -[sighs] I miss Thai food.
Gina, hey, any word from--
No, me neither.
Yeah, I did.
In fact, I spent the entire day checking out
hospitals and...
[sighs] ...and morgues.
Christ, I'm sorry.
No, no, I didn't find him, thank God.
Yeah, yeah.
There's no record of his car being towed or impounded either, so...
Yeah, Malcolm has vanished off the face of the earth.
I'm right here.
Yeah, I'm gonna be up late tonight
didn't get any work done today, so...
In fact, I probably better get to it.
Okay.
All right.
[somber music]
[phone dropping]
Henry, it's Malcolm.
And I think you can only hear me when you're asleep,
-so stay-- -Holy shit!
Malcolm, are you really there?
Wow, could I sound any crazier?
[claps and sighs]
I have to pee.
[sighs]
Wow, what the hell?
Ta-da.
Stand in front of the mirror,
-maybe I can see you there. -No need to shout.
I'm dead, not deaf.
But you're talking to me, that's an improvement.
[sighs] But you still can't see me.
[sighs] This is insane.
[sighs]
I'm definitely losing it.
[phone beeping]
[dial tone]
-[Gina] Hello. -Gina.
Remember that time you and Malcolm played
that hilarious April fool's joke on me?
Oh, God, you think we're pranking you? Christ.
So, if this is some kind of zany plan
to get me to call that crazy ghost hunter lady,
and then Malcolm will jump out and everyone will laugh,
let's get this over with.
[dramatic musical sting]
[rhythmic music]
[inhales]
[device clicking]
-Definitely sensing a presence over there. -[chuckles]
Pat, this is why people don't take you seriously, because of stuff like this.
Henry, how much are you paying her? Because honestly,
whatever it is, it's too much.
The fact that you saw Malcolm in your mirror this morning is significant.
Mirrors are windows to the spirit world.
-Really? -Oh, yes.
It's obvious, you're hosting a spirit,
who senses your concern for your missing friend.
May have taken on Malcolm's form to catch your attention.
-Or maybe it's me. -[sighs]
Are you sure it wasn't actually Malcolm?
Not picking up much of a male energy.
Wrong again, Pat.
It's definitely a female spirit,
or a childish one.
Yes, it seems to me like a very sad, little girl.
Are you ever right, like, about anything?
Whoever it was, moving those photos,
that would have taken tremendous, impressive effort.
Oh, thank you.
This spirit is trying very hard
to communicate with you.
Let's begin. Please take a seat.
[chairs rustling]
[bell chiming]
Does that help somehow?
Are there any spirits out there willing to speak to us tonight?
Yes, please.
I am here. I need your help.
-Anything? -Yes, please.
I'm here. I need your help.
Nothing yet.
I don't know why I thought this would work.
-Shit! -Did you hear that?
-That was just the wind. -The wind? No, no, fuck you!
Does the wind sound like that? I'll give you a hint. No!
Wind... huh. But is it actually windy outside?
Thank you.
I didn't notice any significant wind
when I was driving here tonight.
I think this might be something.
I love you, you crunchy Goddess.
Yes!
-There it is again! -[laughs]
She's trying to speak to us.
Still not a she. Yeah, but you know, you're getting warmer.
-So you believe that the ghost-- -Um, wandering spirit.
The wandering spirit is trying to communicate with us
through the wind?
-Through a wind like sound? Yes. -Yeah.
But we should test this to be sure it isn't some kind of
-strange feature of your house. -What?
Okay, no, it's not the house.
I've lived here for years. Look,
if this really is some kind of spirit,
we should try asking it some yes or no questions
like one wind sound is yes, two wind sounds is no.
-Sure. -Do you understand that, sweetie?
-Yes! -That appears to be a yes.
-Yes, it was. -Great.
Now how about "Are you Malcolm?"
Yes.
Oh my goodness, I was certain the spirit was female.
Let that go, Pat.
We should ask an obvious "no" question. Otherwise we can't be certain.
-Sure, sure. -Okay.
What's a good "no" question for spirit Mal?
Oh, come on, that's not hard is two plus two five. Am I a donkey?
Will Glenn Close ever win an academy award?
I've got it. Are you straight?
-Oh. No. -Well, that's a yes...
-[Mal] I'm sorry, my bad. No! -...so-- Oh, there it is.
-That's a no. -[Mal] Yeah.
Okay, Mal. Game over.
You can come out now.
-[Mal] What? -Oh.
You're a nonbeliever.
With all due respect, Pat,
pretty sure my friends are using you to set me up.
Sadly, I encounter more of you
than I do wandering spirits like Malcolm.
I hope you don't mind if I continue my conversation.
Go crazy. I still don't know how he's doing the whole
wind thing though.
-Malcolm. -Mm-hmm.
Are you still there?
Yes.
I imagine this is very upsetting for you.
Are you upset, dear?
-Yes. -Oh, he's upset?
I'm the one being punked.
Do you know when or how you died, dear?
No! Although, "Henry murdered me" is back on the table.
-No. -Do you know why you're here?
Why you haven't moved on?
No, no.
Do you remember attending a party here on Halloween night?
-Yes. -But you died shortly after.
-Yes. -That's enough.
-This isn't funny. -No shit!
Malcolm agrees.
I know you're struggling, Henry,
but you need to understand that Malcolm came here for a reason.
You may not know yet what that is, but--
No, I'm sorry, Malcolm is not dead.
That's not possible. I-- I think...
...I think you should go.
[groans]
I must warn you. My schedule is extremely heavy this week.
The fact that I had this current time slot
free on such short notice was sheer luck.
Or perhaps not.
Perhaps it was fate.
You've still got 15 minutes left on your session, already paid for.
Why not let me use that time to help you?
-Or more accurately, to help Malcolm? -Mm-mm.
I feel certain you're not going to be able to handle this on your own.
And the earliest I can squeeze you into my schedule is a week from Thursday at four a.m.
No, thanks. I'm good.
You are going to call me.
But between now and then, when you find yourself floundering,
The Crimson Bookis a useful resource. It's pricey.
I know, but the e-book is more economical.
You can download it from my website.
Yeah, sure. Right.
If I need any help, I'll buy your e-book.
Pat!
Please don't leave me.
I'm sorry, Malcolm.
Yeah, I'm over here, but thanks.
I must respect Henry's wishes.
You'll have to gather up your strength
and convince him that you're here through your own means.
I wish you peace and safe passage to the next dimension.
Back at you, babe.
All right, let's go. Come on.
My own means. My own means.
My own-- My--
Gina, please tell Malcolm that that was bullshit.
That was bullshit. She could have helped me and you let her leave!
Okay, this game is over.
This game is not over because it's not a game!
Where did you put the speakers, Gina?
The speakers, the speakers that sound windy
which is supposedly the dead voice of dead Malcolm.
And let me tell you right now, I am done.
Oh, you're done? You're done?
Oh, you can't hang up on me. I'm hanging up on you!
Hang up on him, Gina, definitely hang up on him!
Yeah, maybe I've known you forever. But the fact that
you'd go along with this awful, stupid, hurtful prank
just because I made the mistake of kissing my best friend, well,
-that's just cruel! -Cruel?
Cruel is thinking that I would ever do
something to you that stupidly cruel!
Cruel is not knowing you wanted to kiss me
-until after I was dead! -[loud bang]
[breathes heavily]
Please, don't be dead, Mal. [sobbing]
Oh, God.
[continues sobbing] Is it really you?
Yes.
[crying]
-[bang] -I'm so sorry.
[continues crying]
♪ I tried to find a way
♪ Out, out
Don't wake up, okay?
I have a lot of questions too.
I don't remember dying.
I don't remember you kissing me.
Which sucks because I'm pretty sure
I would have kissed you back.
The orb is red now by the way.
This is a stupid dream.
[chuckles] Yeah.
It is a very stupid dream...
...but let's see how much you remember when you wake up, okay?
I don't want you to be dead, Malcolm.
-[kisses] -Mal? Malcolm?
[sighs]
[ominous music]
[ominous breathing]
Oh, my God.
[pants]
[instrumental music]
Pat, it's Henry.
You were right and I apologize, I'm really, really sorry.
Malcolm and I need you badly.
So if you can fit us in before next Thursday
please do, and if not, I'll see you then.
[panting]
Okay, this is where, if this was a prank,
you would jump out at me and mock me for the rest of my life
because this is where...
[clicking]
[breathes heavily] ...I am going to spend...
Holy fuck, $700 for an e-book?
-Are you fucking kidding me? -Oh.
And this is where I'm hitting enter
and my credit card is going to be charged 700 fucking dollars
because you've convinced me that you're dead and haunting me
and I will live gladly with your mockage till my own dying day.
Just please jump out at me now, Mal. Please.
I-- I wish I could.
[panting]
[exhales]
I just bought a $700 e-book.
-Thank you. -Let's see what this can tell us.
Whoa. This book has infinity pages?
Oh, you can-- you can do search terms.
[clicking]
Spirit communications.
-Jesus! -17,430,000 pages of info
for spirit communication.
Spirit communication, comma,
spells? Whoa, really?
This book has spells, like... [chuckles] spells?
Okay, uh, let's do this.
Uh...
[exhales]
While the night is dark and the sun is bright.
[clapping]
Uh, I bid you a dance unto my sight.
[voice whispering]
-That's okay. Not everyth-- Wait a minute. -[upbeat folk music]
What is this? Wha-- What is this?
No, no, no.
[silence]
-[folk music] -It didn't work.
The fuck, it didn't. Make it stop.
[vocalizing Morse Code]
♪ And so do his sisters and his cousins, and his wives and his aunts ♪
♪ Make it stop, make it stop make it stop ♪
Interpretive dance now. Interpretive fucking dance?
Oh, God, thank God I'm dead, because I'd have to kill myself.
Ig-pay atin-lay? Oh-nay.
Oh-nay, Enry-hay.
Ut-way the uck-fay? Ix-nay!
Peut-etre, au lieu de communication,
essayez... connexion, ou... apparence...
I'm in hell. [chuckles] Henry, make it stop.
[ominous breathing]
-I release you. -[Mal groans]
What am I doing wrong?
That one. Bring you to me.
[groans]
Binding spell.
-Yes. -We need salt.
[Mal groans]
Okay, let's try this.
I bring you to my consciousness.
[ominous breathing]
Whoa! That's new.
I bring you to me.
[Mal groans]
I bind you to me and I bind myself to you.
[thunderclap rumbling]
[both gasping]
-Mal? -Henry?
-Malcolm. Malcolm!
[shouting enthusiastically]
[stutters] The force-field thing is gone!
You couldn't touch me and I couldn't touch you
-unless you were sleeping. -Are you really dead
or were you just, I don't know, temporarily invisible?
-Temporarily-- I don't know. -I mean,
you're back. Maybe you're really back? Like, not dead back.
Y-- Maybe.
Oh.
-[Mal] Oof-- -[panting]
Henry, whoa-whoa-whoa.
Pants. Pants.
-Oh, my God, I'm naked. -Yes.
And as usual.
[door closes]
[groans]
Fine!
Henry, don't get your hopes up
that I was temporarily invisible or anything.
Things are still really hard for me to move,
so I'm pretty sure I'm dead.
[door opens]
[chuckles] And you're still naked.
It's really me.
Ow. Don't do that.
-Ow. -Ow.
Why did you say, "Ow," you pinched me?
Yeah, well, it hurt me too.
How can you be dead and still get hurt?
I don't know. Ow, stop it.
-Ow. -Ow.
Well, that's a fun new rule.
You get hurt and I feel it too.
[panting]
-You're actually here. -And you're actually naked.
And you're still wearing your green monster costume.
Well, believe it or not, they didn't offer me a change of clothes when I died.
-They? Who are they? -No, I was making a joke.
I don't know what's going on. I don't remember dying.
I just woke up here and you couldn't see me.
-Oh, Mal. -No, please, please don't.
So what do we do now?
I think you're gonna want to start by putting on some pants.
Shit. Right.
[door closes]
-Oh, hey. -[car alarm]
Let's see if he can see you.
-Okay. -Yeah.
-Okay.
Uh, excuse me. Hi. Hello.
Hi, sorry to bother you.
I had some friends over on Halloween,
and one of them never got home. And I was wondering
if you happened to see him get into his car.
It was parked right here in the driveway.
We're trying to put a timeline together so we can find him.
Wow, that's intense.
He was wearing a green T-shirt and jeans,
uh, a little taller than me.
Very handsome. Uh, brown hair.
I wouldn't say very, but thank you.
You can't see me, can you?
I definitely would have remembered him.
Sorry, but no.
-Can you hear me? -[wind whistling]
Is it windy?
Uh, okay.
Thanks, anyway.
[Mal] Uh, would you--
-[click] -Thank you.
When Pat was doing her thing...
...she asked me why I was here.
Well, the book says you're probably here
because of some powerful unfinished business.
Yeah.
But what?
I didn't have a ton going on in my life.
I am an only child.
Both my parents are gone.
I wasn't seeing anybody...
...and honestly, I don't think I was sticking around to copy edit
the thrilling follow up to America's Favorite Serial Killer.
Do you think you were murdered?
Maybe we have to find your killer
and bring them to justice?
I don't feel murdered.
What does murdered feel like?
I don't know. Maybe I'd remember
being scared or pissed off or something.
But I'm just here.
I think the question that we need to answer is
why am I specifically here...
...at your house...
...with you?
I think my unfinished business is you.
[somber music]
-Me? -Yeah.
I think I'm still here...
...to help you win your happily ever after
with hot neighbor guy.
Help me?
Yeah, you know, um, coach you,
help you break the early relationship ice
because you suck at that.
You're serious...
You've always been a hopeless romantic.
I think I'm still here to help you find true love...
And, you know,
hot neighbor guy is the complete package,
and he has a-- a pulse, which is a plus.
God, Mal, no. I-- I don't want-- I'm not ready for it.
-That's-- no. I-- -Well, you're never gonna be ready.
So, if you're fine with me being in purgatory for eternity
or wherever the fuck I am with no sleeping and no cake,
and not being able to pick up things.
Of course, I don't want that.
Well, good.
Uh, it's late. Those of us who need to sleep need to sleep.
So, we will start planning project
"Hot Neighbor Guy" first thing tomorrow, yes?
Why am I standing up? You have to go to bed. [chuckles]
Leave me the book, okay?
And could you put the screen on "never sleep," please?
[birds chirping]
Are you sure you don't want to come?
Running? No, I didn't like running
when I was alive. [chuckles]
I'll see you later.
Yeah. For your...
...hot neighbor guy makeover.
Yeah, great.
[birds chirping]
[rock music]
Whoa!
What the fuck?
[screaming]
[groaning]
[screaming continues]
Henry, Henry!
Henry, stop it. Hey.
Stop.
♪ Too many empty days
♪ Too many nights by the TV
♪ When there is nothing to say
[pants]
-Henry-- -[both screaming]
Why are you sneaking up on me?
I wasn't sneaking, I was screaming
the whole time, the whole 2.5 miles!
All of Sherman Oaks thinks it's a windy day!
But why did you follow me?
You said you didn't want to run.
Well, it's not like I had a choice, marathon man.
As soon as you ran, I got dragged along behind.
You were dragged?
[huffs]
I think that binding spell did
more than make it just possible for you to see me.
I-- I think that after 2.5 miles of that hell
that there is maybe a 50-foot tether between us.
So, you know, do me a huge large and don't drive off in your car
because I don't know what would happen to me.
I-- I had no idea.
Yeah, there's another thing.
It's possible I'm bound to your house too.
The farther away we got, the more I felt like I was gonna
-dissolve or evaporate. -Oh, my God, are you okay?
I'm much better now that we're back.
But we should probably check the book.
[dramatic musical sting]
Goals and Desires of the Wandering Spirit.
I never really appreciated clouds.
Or how blue the sky was...
...back when I was alive.
-But you always did. -Photographer.
You always saw the beauty in everything.
Yeah. Remembering all those times you tried
to talk me into walking up that fire escape to the roof
to watch the sunset back in school?
And I really regret not going.
Gina was right about our--
What is it? "Meet cute."
I mean... [chuckles]
...you were puking a lot,
but in between...
...you were so beautiful and funny...
...and you scared the hell out of me.
So, I made up excuses.
I was a senior, you were too young.
And then we were friends. Don't want to fuck that up.
And I pissed it all away.
And now I'm dead. [sobbing]
-Mal-- -Just listen, okay?
[exhales]
I fucked this up because I was too afraid.
But you still have a chance.
You have this...
...golden shining chance
with a beautiful guy who is completely into you.
So, let's go get him.
That's what I want for you.
-Press "Play." -"Play?"
Yeah. For 700 bucks, apparently, you also get bonus videos.
Pat has a lot to say about wandering spirits, which,
apparently, is what I am, so...
Wandering spirits, also known as wanderers or haunters...
...will be restless and in pain
until their unfinished business is complete.
-Are you in pain? -Just watch.
Some wanderers have been in agony for centuries.
Their pain has turned, understandably, to anger.
The gentle approach?
Some kindness will work in your favor
as you consult with the experts who will help your spirit guests
to find the closure they need and move on to a place of pleasure and peace.
[bell chimes]
So that's what I want for me.
To move on to that place of pleasure and peace.
ASAP, skip the centuries of agony, you know.
[sobs]
I'll help you find closure.
Thank you.
Uh-- [inhales]
Go, uh, grab some clothes, okay? We'll pick out your outfit.
[bursts into laughter]
I'm sorry. No, no, too slutty.
Uh, try the other one again.
-[door closes] -[Gina] Henry?
Henry, you can't leave a message
like "Malcolm's a ghost" and then not answer your phone.
Gina, so good to see you respecting boundaries.
Uh, sorry, I went for a run and--
-and then I had to take a shower-- -And then you're avoiding me.
-Don't deny it. No! -Why don't we all sit, we can talk about--
Remember that job in New Zealand I was so excited about?
Carl's my first A.D., we have to get to LAX.
Oh, yeah.
Bad time for drama.
I'm so sorry my dying inconvenienced you.
Malcolm says he's sorry that he died.
You see him? Right now?
Oh, my God, this is worse than I thought.
We took a Lyft over here.
You need to put some clothes on
and drive us to the airport while we talk about this.
Yeah, I'm not so sure that I'm eager to get into a motor vehicle,
driven by a man who has an invisible friend.
He's not insane, he's having a mental breakdown.
And that's better how?
I'm sorry. I can't leave the house.
Malcolm might dissolve.
You've got to admit that sounds
slightly less than sane.
But it's true.
Are you talking to him?
And we are getting another Lyft
to L.A.X. right now.
Good, there's one nearby.
Henry, sweetie, Malcolm's not dead.
He's just a fucking coward who ran away after you kissed him,
and now you're freaking out.
You really wanted this badly and now you're hallucinating.
-Obviously. -Obviously.
-Gina-- -I'm not surprised that Malcolm might dissolve
if you leave the house.
You've always been a little bit agoraphobic.
I'm not a--
-When do you get back? -Late on Wednesday.
Oh, good. Pat's coming over at four a.m. on Thursday.
-If I haven't helped Mal-- -Pat? The spirit guide?
The one who came over and then you screamed at me over the phone
because this was all just a mean joke
that I was supposedly helping Malcolm play on you?
Is that the Pat that's coming over on Thursday at four fucking a.m.?
Sorry, that-- that was before Malcolm convinced me that he was really here,
-and we did the binding spell-- -Oh, my God, binding spell?
-This is why we're getting a Lyft. -It shouldn't be that hard
-to prove that you're really here. -[Mal] Oh!
I once read a story where there was a ghost
and there was one person, his grandson,
-who could see him, okay? -Henry?
Hang on, Malcolm's telling me something.
And so the grandson used a book--
Lyft's here. Uh, Henry, it was so nice to see you.
Although I didn't expect to see quite this much. [chuckles]
Henry, we have to go.
If you really can't drive us to the airport?
I'm sorry, I-- I really can't.
I'll email you from New Zealand.
And listen, I know that Mal is not dead,
because he just blocked me from texting him.
-Someone's using your phone. -Oh, my God.
-Gina, tick tock. -[sighs]
Answer me when I email you.
Promise? Say it!
I promise, I'll answer your emails.
Thank you.
You're going to get through this.
We'll get you the help you need.
[kisses and groans]
Okay, I will be hot neighbor guy.
I'm going to work, getting in my car.
You are doing squats in your front yard.
Do squats.
Okay, I would definitely notice that.
But if I don't-- Keep squat-- Keep--
If I don't notice, then the next time you come up,
give me a wave, do it.
Is that how you're gonna wave?
Is there a better way?
You're hotter than hot neighbor guy, okay?
So just wave like you know that.
Like, um, like, uh, like this.
Do that.
[laughing]
It's not, you know, "Mrs. Tremblay, uh,
could I have the pass for the little boy's room, please?"
-That is not what I did. -That's exactly what you did.
It-- it should be like,
"Hey, hot neighbor guy.
You're looking good. And yes, I am also looking good."
Do that.
I mean, better.
Okay, so, okay, so I'm heading to my car, right?
But don't wait for him to come up to you.
You walk up to him
with that king-of-the-world attitude
and you go, "Hey...
...I'm Henry.
Sorry, I didn't introduce myself the other night.
Oh, by the way, my missing friend turned up.
-So he's okay." -But you're not okay.
But I will be if you get this right.
So he says, "I'm glad to hear it.
Hi, I'm Jizzy McMasturbator."
[chuckles] You want me to spend the rest of my life
with someone named Jizzy McMasturbator?
I really do. And by the way, you're welcome
because now, whatever his name actually is,
Irving Fartington or Bob Knob,
it still won't be as terrible as Jizzy McMasturbator.
-Thanks. -Yes, so moving on.
You say, "Nice to meet you, Jizzy.
Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime?
Maybe tonight, grab some dinner?"
But I can't go out. You'll dissolve.
Right. No going out.
Uh, so you say, "Hey, Jizzy,
I was wondering if you wanted to come over to my house tonight
for dinner?" And that is way too intimate for a first date.
So we'll work with that. Uh--
Ah, you can say, "I make a mean pasta arrabbiata,"
which is true.
Are-- are you getting all this?
Do you want to write it down?
Hey, Jizzy, my best friend's a ghost who wants us to fall in love.
Want to come over to my place for dinner?
Hashtag, "Pasta."
Fine. Make fun of the dead guy. Just do it right.
Take it from the top.
Walk toward me.
-Like you just did? -No, walk like a duck.
Yes. Walk like I just did.
Okay, so try actually walking like a duck,
because that's-- I don't know what that was.
That was what you just did.
-That wasn't what I just did. -You did a spin.
-It was-- I-- -I did a spin because I was turning around
to go a place. You're just walking forward.
Do you think he's gonna be on some kind of fucking lazy Susan?
♪ Arrow to the heart of June
♪ Laughing at the monkey man
♪ These are the pictures this is the ghost of a plan ♪
♪ Meet you in the movie now
♪ Meet you with your dancer's eyes ♪
♪ You are the true love
♪ There is no world otherwise
♪ I'm so glad you're in my house ♪
Better, you just need to loosen up, okay?
-[laughs] -[chuckles] You're just a little stiff.
♪ ...in my, my house
-"By George, I think he's got it." -[chuckles]
[music stops]
[birds chirping]
Oh, here he-- Ow! Here he comes.
What, wh-- Where are you going? Hey, what are you doing?
-Look, this is a mistake. -You promised.
[both screaming]
Oh, my God.
Hey, are you okay?
-That asshole just pushed me. -Asshole?
He can't see me, Mr. Rude.
Uh, God, right. Uh, yeah, it was, um...
...this rock.
-This asshole rock. -[Mal] And we are losing him.
Say something not crazy.
I don't know what to say.
I'm sorry?
Please don't blow this for me.
I don't know what to say other than
thank you for coming to my rescue.
No worries.
I'm Henry.
Uh, I'm Henry Collins.
Rick Baker.
Way better than Jizzy.
Nice to finally meet you.
Did your friend ever turn up?
Yes. Yes, he's, um--
He's okay.
Good, I'm glad to hear that.
All right. Time to bring it home.
-Whoa. -[chuckles] Sorry, I, um--
I tried a new protein drink this morning, and I guess
it wasn't quite enough before a heavy duty workout.
Good. Good job. What a save, my God.
The student has become the master.
Look at him. Look at him go.
Oh, he is really into you.
Hey, listen, I gotta get to work,
but do you want to have dinner sometime?
[mutters] Yes, pasta here, tonight.
Yes. How about you come over tonight?
I make a mean pasta. Want to say seven?
That sounds great. I'll see you then.
[somber music]
This is gonna be good.
Rick seems terrific.
He is not afraid of jumping head-first into a relationship
-with a total stranger. -[chuckles]
-Are you nervous? -About Rick?
No, about moving on.
Oh, I don't know what to feel about it.
Um--
I don't know how it will happen. Like, maybe when you kiss him.
Or maybe when you...
...you know?
Do you want me to sleep with him?
Well, probably not tonight.
Because you're you, but, yeah, that's...
...you know, part of falling in love, so...
It's what I've always wanted for you, to find your...
...your Mr. Right, you know?
But, hell, I don't know how any of this works.
You know, in order for me to cross over it,
it might have to be glorious.
Look, I'll do whatever you need me to do.
I just--
I'm not sure I can make it glorious.
In case it happens fast and I don't get a chance to say goodbye.
Um, I need you to know how grateful I am, truly.
Not just for being my best friend for years, but--
[sighs]
Everything you've done for me since.
I do know.
And-- and I want you to find peace. I--
-I really do. I just wish that-- -Just don't...
...say it.
No, if-- if this is goodbye,
I get to say what I want.
I also get to do this.
[soft music]
[lips smooching]
I love you.
♪ You lift your head to speak
♪ You're beautiful outside
I'm dead.
So it's loved, with a "D."
Past tense.
-♪ And we can't run, run, run -[doorbell rings]
-♪ From what's inside you -[sighs]
-Show time. -♪ And when we fall fall, fall ♪
Go get him.
♪ I will remember you today
-♪ You today, eh, eh, eh, eh -[sighs]
♪ You today, eh, eh, eh, eh
Your house is adorable.
Oh, thanks.
I normally don't like hats, but he pulls it off.
And he seems into your photos. That's good.
Oh, man, that smells fantastic.
Uh, would-- would you like some wine?
Twist top.
My motto's usually, "Life's too short to drink shitty wine," but...
...tonight the excellent company more than makes up for it.
Wow, that was...
...douchey and charming.
I don't know how a person does that.
Oh, he's a wine guy. So that's the douchey.
You know what? And nobody's perfect.
If he was perfect, that would be unsettling.
[rhythmic music]
[Rick] For the love of God, if you are going to insist on listening to shitty pop music,
the least you could do is listen to something with a horn section.
You know what I mean?
I, uh, I have to confess, um,
this time, I'm on your sister's side.
No. [chuckles] Really?
Well, I mean, I get it. My sister also likes photography.
You two must have similarly faulty wiring in your brains.
Sorry, what did he say?
-That's funny. -No, it isn't.
I'm kidding.
I appreciate the art you have on your walls, I do.
It's just not my thing.
What is your thing? Ask him what his thing is.
I prefer my visual art to be abstract.
Or just wait half a second for him to start talking again.
Jesus, does he ever stop? You know, he hasn't even asked you what you do.
Photos are just too basic.
They're simple. I mean, I like to think of them as windows,
you know what I mean?
It's the ultimate in realism.
Cut another window in your wall
instead of hanging some stupid photograph.
He said to the professional photographer.
There's nothing wrong with a, uh, strong opinion.
There is when an idiot tells the best photographer
I've ever known that his brilliant art is basic.
At last, someone who sees me for me.
-You know what I mean? -You know what I mean?
-[laughs] -You have a great laugh.
And your eyes are majestic.
Majestic? No.
No, FYI, I have changed my mind about his hat.
-It's a stupid hat. -He likes me.
He does. Very much, in fact.
So much so that he's hoping he'll stay for breakfast too.
Nope, nope. Now it's time to laugh in his face
and tell him to go.
-I have a friend who recently passed who told me-- -[whispers] I'm sorry.
Well, he basically agreed with you
that life's too short to drink shitty wine.
He was right. Here's to only drinking the good wine.
However, I would argue and--
and as opinionated as you are, Rick, I think you'd agree
that 100 years of agony is way worse than drinking shitty wine.
Oh, fuck. No, Henry, no.
I'm not sure I'm following
but your eyes are like two tiny universes pulling me in.
Tiny majestic universes.
Come on, this is not what I want for you.
What I mean is even shitty wine can taste better over time,
or at least after your third drink.
That's very profound.
No, it isn't.
Henry.
He-- He--
You want to take this back to my room?
Absolutely.
Mm-mm. No. Oh, I've changed my mind.
I don't want you to do this,
and you don't want to do this either.
When you kissed me, you felt everything.
I know it because of the binding spell. I feel what you feel.
And with him you feel nothing. Henry?
[door closes]
I'll be damned if I don't put a stop to this!
-[upbeat music playing] -I guess technically I'll be damned if I do.
I don't give a damn!
♪ Is it danger drawing me closer? ♪
♪ Is it fear leading me back?
[Mal shouts]
It's kind of windy, huh?
-♪ I got nothing to hide -[groans]
I think it's just sounds windy. It's a--
-a feature of the house. -What?
You think maybe we can turn the music down a little bit?
[Mal] Henry, you cut it out.
We don't have to do it like this, all right?
There's other ways. We can do other stuff.
I'm sure-- there's lots of spells we can try.
Other spells.
Wow.
I want your dick in my mouth.
That sounds glorious.
[music continues]
Shy, are we?
I'm about to blow your mind!
[groans]
-[bang] -Oh. [Henry groans]
[Mal groans]
[Henry] Ow!
-Damn. -[Henry] Sorry.
I'm-- I'm so, so sorry.
Whoa.
[Rick groans]
-[groaning] -What the hell
are you doing? Get off of me. [groans]
-I really can't. -Why can't you?
-I'm stuck. -[Mal groans]
Look, we need a safe-word
if you want to role-play, or whatever this is.
[muttering] Malcolm.
That's a weird safe-word,
but okay. Malcolm!
-Malcolm. -No, I don't--
-Malcolm! -Please get off.
Will you stop?
-Yes. -[groans]
[both groaning]
-Ow, I think I broke something. -[panting] Oh, my...
[Rick groans]
[both groaning]
I am so sorry.
I'm gonna go.
That's probably best.
[groans] Shit!
[music continues]
♪ Is there an answer for me?
[door closes]
-[music stops] -What is wrong with you?
Friends don't let friends fuck douchebags!
Friends don't let friends suffer centuries of pain.
-Yeah, well, this was worse. -Than centuries of pain?
-Yes. All right? Yes. -Mal, I was trying to help you.
-You said this was what you wanted. -I was lying!
And you were lying too.
When you kissed him, I could feel it.
You don't even like the guy.
You could never love him.
Because when you kissed him, it didn't feel like this.
[light suspenseful music]
You love me.
I feel it.
And I love you too.
[Henry chuckles]
[soft music]
[breathes deeply]
The book...
...says that all spirits disconnect,
that we stop worrying about the people we left behind,
so I've been waiting to stop caring about you and...
But every minute that goes by, it just gets worse.
God, it's breaking my heart.
♪ Anything you want I'll say it now ♪
♪ Any price you want I'll pay it now ♪
♪ Everything I am just take away ♪
♪ Tired of being this everyday
[kissing and moaning]
-[moans] -Oh.
Oh, God.
Oh, the binding spell.
I feel everything you feel.
-Everything? -Yeah.
-[moans] -Holy fuck.
I found the one perk of being dead.
[laughing]
[kissing and moaning]
-[Henry] That was glorious. -[chuckles]
It was.
But I guess it means that shagging you
was not my powerful unfinished business.
[chuckles]
I'm glad. I'm not ready for you to go anywhere.
Henry, I don't think you've thought this through.
What's the big deal?
[sighs] So, you're a ghost. Who cares?
"Who cares"?
Okay, well, there's the fact
that I'm tethered to you,
and when I leave the house,
I feel like I'm gonna dissolve.
So, how are you going to go to work?
How are you gonna go anywhere?
I'll make the garage into a studio.
-Clients will come to me. -To get married in your garage?
Talk about a destination wedding.
[sighs] Okay.
I'll specialize in engagement photos then.
You know, babe...
...people want to work with you because of your beautiful outdoor shots.
On the beach, in the mountains, in the desert.
Okay, so I'll take some time off.
-I have money saved. -Enough for forever?
Because that's maybe how long I'll be here.
Plus, you know, you eat.
-I'll get food delivered. -Henry.
Mal.
Can we maybe bask in the glow of the glory for a few more minutes?
[Henry sighs] I've been wanting this for so long.
[sighs]
[soft piano music]
[groans]
[click]
[groaning]
How...
[groans]
To...
Malcolm?
[groans]
Now you wear clothes.
What are you doing?
Well, I remembered that you left the house
back before we did the binding spell.
-You drove. -Yeah.
So, I was checking the book to see
if we could break the binding spell,
just temporarily.
Like, turn it off,
so you could go to work and then when you come home, turn it on again.
-That's brilliant. -In theory, yes.
In practice, no.
The book says that it's one and done.
-That it's forever. -Then we better not break the spell.
[somber piano music]
Babe, I'm dead.
I don't care.
We'll figure it out. We'll make it work.
Uh, except, you know what? I was, um...
...I was wrong...
...about you not being my unfinished business,
because, um, the, uh...
...portal to the spirit world is opening.
[chuckles]
Yes, the portal to the spirit world...
...is open.
And the light...
The light is so beautiful.
Wait, are you serious?
I'm being pulled toward the light but I'm resisting.
I don't want to leave you, babe.
Then don't.
Tell whatever is behind that door to close it,
your business is not done here.
But it is, I--
You know now that I love you,
and we had...
We had last night which was...
...everything to me.
I do have to go...
...because I'm dead and you're not.
Just promise me that you will not give up,
that you will find somebody who loves you...
Mal.
...as much as I...
...did.
Please, I want more time.
I know this is hard.
I know it. It's hard for me too.
But I need your help to get through the portal.
I need you to say these words in Latin.
I can't say them. You have to.
I love you.
Be happy.
[sobbing]
Te amo. Es laetus.
No.
It was me saying that to you, not what I need you...
Wait, you know Latin?
Yeah, I took it in high school.
Fuck.
[sighs]
What exactly is the Latin you want me to say?
Oh, you know, just...
Vinculum abrumperes.
Terminus est fabula.
Terminus est nunc...?Yeah.
Fucking sever the fucking bond?
I'm pretty sure the fucking part is not in there.
Fucking end the fucking story.
Sounds an awful lot like something you'd say to break a,
oh, I don't know, binding spell.
Yes. Well.
Yes.
There's not really a portal with beautiful light, is there?
-No. -Wow.
You must really not want to be with me.
No, that's not it at all.
Henry, I love you. I do.
I want to stay so bad.
It's just that you deserve
to be with somebody who's alive.
Fuck you, Malcolm.
Why do you get to decide what I deserve?
You couldn't take ten minutes to have a conversation with me about this?
You just made up your mind to--
to-- to trick me into breaking the binding spell.
And then what? You'd still be here,
but I wouldn't know it.
Someday, probably very soon,
because living here without you would suck,
I'd move out thinking you've gone on to Pat's place
of fucking peace. But you'd still be here,
at the start of centuries of agony.
How could you do that to me?
I didn't think about that.
Because you didn't talk to me!
I couldn't think about anything!
But I can't let you ruin your life...
...by being tied to a dead man.
And I just want better for you.
I've always wanted better for you...
...than me.
And there it is.
The reason we've only had one night together
instead of 12 years of nights.
And you know what, Malcolm?
-You're right. -[sobs]
I do deserve better.
I deserve someone who loves me enough to fucking fight for me.
You're right. You're right.
Okay, forgive me.
I'm sorry. I thought I was,
I thought I was fighting for you.
[sobbing]
You want to fight for me?
Fight for yourself, fight for us.
Let's not give up until we've read every fucking page
of Pat's $700 e-book.
[chuckles]
-Babe, it has infinity pages. -Exactly.
[exhales]
[soft music]
[phone ringing]
[Henry groaning]
-[groans] -Good morning.
Hi. Good morning.
-[smooching] -Sleep okay?
-Yeah. -Good.
-[phone ringing] -[groans]
I'm pretty sure it's Gina.
Who else would call three times in a row
this early in the morning?
[sighs]
What?
No, that's not possible.
Ok-- Okay. Okay.
Gina says she emailed me photos that you posted to Facebook.
But I haven't posted there in forever.
Well, she says you posted last night that you're in Las Vegas.
Trying to remember the last time I was in Vegas.
-Mayb-- -What the fuck?
-[Henry] Who the hell is that? -[Gina] It's clearly his new boyfriend.
-Uh, no, it is not. -You really don't recognize him?
-No, neither does Malcolm. -Henry, oh, my God, what kind of proof do you need?
[Mal] What the fuck am I wearing?
[Henry] Just 'cause it was posted last night it doesn't mean--
That you're not in deep denial?
Actually, yes, it does.
Look closer at the one where Mal's holding those VIP tickets.
Look at the date.
-[Henry] November 3rd. -Two nights ago.
-Or a year and two nights ago. -Nope.
That show just opened last week.
Those tickets cost around three grand each, by the way.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Mal is not a ghost because he's not dead.
He's in Vegas, the little shit, maxing out his credit cards.
It's time to step back into reality.
Stop hallucinating and move on already.
Gina, I have to go.
Henry, wait, no, no, no. Wait. [sighs]
Gina is right, you're not dead.
-I'm not? -I don't know how your body got to Vegas,
but if your body is in Vegas, then you're definitely not dead.
[phone ringing]
[Henry] Pat! Just the person I need to talk to.
You're on speaker with me and Malcolm.
Gina asked me to call you.
I've only got a few minutes to talk,
-but she's very concerned. -I think we may have been wrong
about Malcolm being dead, because his body is in Las Vegas
while his spirit's still here with me.
Is that even possible?
Well, it might be the result
of a demonic possession.
Demonic possession?
Oh, my God, Mal. Did you hear that?
Yes, I'm not dead!
I'm possessed by a demon.
Wait a second, that sounds really bad.
It's very rare. And really only happens
when the vessel imprisoning a demon is somehow unlocked.
Wait, whoa, slow down.
How do you unlock a vessel? And what do you mean vessel?
-You mean like a boat? -No, no, no, a vessel is--
Well, I'm sure you're familiar with the legend
of the genie in the lantern.
Yeah, we've seen Aladdin, Pat.
The genie is a type of demon
and the Lantern is the vessel in which he's trapped.
-Okay. -In that specific case,
the vessel is unlocked, at least temporarily,
when the Lantern is polished or rubbed,
there are many vessels with
different individual ways to unlock them.
Anything from say,
shaking the vessel, to reciting a simple spell
Open sesame.
Shaking the vessel on Halloween?
[Henry] Malcolm shook the orb.
Well, there it is.
A crystal orb is the most common vessel
-used to contain a demon. -Priestess Pat?
Oh, is it time?
-Yes. -I'm sorry.
It's time, I've got to go.
The ceremony is about to start. Peace.
Pat, no. How do we get the demon back into the orb?
Check the book! Check the crimson book!
-Uh, okay, demonic possession, comma, orb. -Good, good, good, good.
Let's learn how this motherfucker works.
-"First, never shake the orb. -Too late.
-When the orb is red... -The orb is red.
...the demon has escaped, and the hostage body's spirit
-must linger nearby." -[both] Hostage body's spirit,
you're really not dead. Oh, my God, oh, my God.
-You're not dead, you're not dead. -Oh, my God!
I'm alive! [clapping]
How to rescue the hostage body, comma,
-demonic possession, comma, orb. -[Mal shouts enthusiastically]
We need to break the orb.
Let's break the fucking thing.
First, we need to lure the demon
and the hostage body back here.
How do we do that?
I know exactly how to lure someone
who spends $3,000 on tickets, but--
Jesus, we're gonna need a shit ton of salt.
[bangs]
Thanks, Pauletta.
Well, I was going to the store, so... [laughs]
...as long as you're not cooking meth.
You're not cooking meth, are you?
Oh, God, no, I-- I'm using it to get rid of a...
...a pest.
Oh.
Well, good luck with that.
-[door closes] -She 100% thinks you're cooking meth.
[light dramatic music]
[paper rustling]
Okay, we're ready.
So, I'm gonna call the demon, get him here.
He's gonna step into a salt circle.
I'll break the orb and you'll have your body back.
God, I hope this works.
-It will. -[Mal exhales]
It's going to voicemail, I'm gonna leave a message.
Hey, Malcolm.
It's Henry. How are you?
Haven't seen you since Halloween.
Uh, I just wanted to let you know that the money finally came through
the, uh, $20,000 for the Gorfney project.
And I'm gonna stop you before you call me back,
because I know you're gonna ask me to wire it to you
and I'm sorry this time I can't.
I need your signature for the tax forms
and none of that electronic bullshit.
You gotta come, give me your old fashioned John Hancock
before I can release the check.
All right, that's it. See you soon.
That's brilliant. All we have to do
is lure him into a salt circle, break the orb and I'm free.
That sounds too easy.
You need it to be harder?
No, no. [chuckles] I just feel like I'm missing something.
We're ready... right?
And since we're in wait mode,
I'm gonna do a quick workout out front, all right?
-Will you be okay? -Yeah.
Oh, you know what? I'm gonna put the rest of salt in the garage,
so that demon Malcolm doesn't see it, get spooked and run.
Good idea.
What are you not telling me?
Okay, this is new, at least to me.
"If you say... ' In hac oscula, meus es tu,'
you can force the demon to possess you with a kiss."
Ew. Why would anybody want to do that?
And here is something else you didn't tell me.
"Do not risk breaking the orb until the hostage body
is safely within the confines of the salt circle.
Doing so will--" What?
"Allow the demon to steal the hostage body's soul
and take it back with him to the beyond."
Fuck.
[phone chimes]
Jesus, demon me texts like a teenager from 1995.
[Henry groaning]
Well, that's a new exercise.
[birds chirping]
-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. -Hey, did the demon call back?
Uh, he texted. He'll be here around six.
Oh, great. Okay, I'm almost done.
Once more around. Then I'm gonna walk it a few times mindfully
to lower my heart rate.
-Okay. -Okay.
[bell ring]
Okay. Six is fine.
I'll be home all day.
See you soon.
[phone swooshes]
[sighs]
[doorbell rings]
-It's him. -It's too early.
It's probably just Pauletta. Joey's doing this wrapping paper fundraiser--
It's not Pauletta, it's him. I feel it.
Oh, okay. Well, just... just stay here.
Okay?
Why do I feel it? I mean, I know it.
The orb, the orb. Take the orb! Shit.
What's up?
My four o'clock canceled and I was in your hood already,
so here I am.
-Shit. -Problem?
No, no problem. I just hadn't printed out the tax forms yet.
Uh, why don't we go on back and I'll print them for you?
Okay.
[dramatic music]
So, how have you been?
Gina told me you went up to Vegas
with some hot new guy.
-That's intriguing. -[demon Malcolm chuckles] Yeah.
No, that didn't end well.
Uh, I'm sorry to hear that.
[ominous music]
There's no 20 grand, is there?
-Fuck. -Henry, smash the orb. Do it now!
I can see your invisible friend.
In fact, now that we're reunited,
I know everything he's thinking.
Salt circle under the tarp?
Nice try, but not gonna happen.
I'm out of here but I think this time I'll take the orb with me
just to be safe.
Stay back.
Or what?
You gonna kill your boyfriend?
Because that's what will happen when the orb breaks.
I'll be gone...
...but I'll take him with me.
Do it, Henry. Do it!
Aw.
Malcolm is willing to die for you.
How romantic.
But he can't break the orb himself,
you're gonna have to do it.
Stay back.
This is getting boring.
I think I'll just break your neck.
I don't think so. In hac oscula,
-meus es tu! -No, Henry. What? No.
[glass shattering]
The demon will possess you.
-[loud bang] -[gasps]
Oh, my God, I'm back.
But, God, Henry, what did you do?
No, no, no, you can't be dead.
Henry!
[coughing]
-Mal? -Yeah?
-Are you back? -Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. It's really me.
[pants]
-[retching] -Oh, oh, oh! God.
-That's okay, let it out. -[coughing]
-Let it out. You're doing great. -[panting]
[continues panting]
-I'm okay. -How are you not dead?
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm really glad you're not dead,
but when the orb broke, you weren't in a salt circle.
But I was. I made one outside.
Once more around, then I'm gonna walk it a few times mindfully
to lower my heart rate.
Oh, my God.
Your mindful cool down was really
mindful salt circle making?
And you couldn't tell me about it because--
Because the book said that the demon would know
everything that you knew when it got close to you, and--
-Oh, no. Demon breath. -[chuckles]
I don't care.
I-- I feel like the demon smoked,
so vomit will be an improvement over ashtray mouth.
[kissing]
Jesus.
You weren't kidding. [laughing]
♪ You lift your head to speak
Hey, the sun is going down.
Do you want to go watch the sunset?
♪ Press your palm to mine
♪ You're broken inside
♪ And we can't run, run, run from what's inside you ♪
♪ And when we fall, fall, fall
♪ I will remember you today
♪ You today, eh, eh, eh, eh
[Mal] And so vomit breath and ashtray mouth lived happily ever after.
[Henry] Yeah.
I love you too.
[soft music]
♪ Relax
♪ Sit back
♪ Collapse
♪ In fact
♪ Relapse
♪ Don't ask
♪ Collapse
♪ React
♪ Anything you want I'll say it now ♪
♪ Any price you want I'll pay it now ♪
♪ Everything I am just take away ♪
♪ Tired of being this every day ♪
♪ Believe
♪ Relapse
♪ Don't act
♪ Go back
♪ To back
♪ Synapse
♪ Don't last
♪ Collapse
♪ The past
♪ Everything you want I'll say it now ♪
♪ Any price you want I'll pay it now ♪
♪ Everything I am just take away ♪
♪ Tired of being this everyday
[music continues]
[music fades]