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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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[audience laughing]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[audience applauding]

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[Carr] <i>Before we start,</i>
<i>a quick trigger warning.</i>

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Tonight's show contains jokes
about terrible things.

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Terrible things that may have affected you
and the people you love.

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But these are just jokes.

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They're not the terrible things.

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[audience chuckles]

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There's a huge difference
between doing a joke about a rape...

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[audience laughing]

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...and doing a rape.

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[audience laughing]

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I fucking hope.

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Or I'm going to jail forever.

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[audience laughs]

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My mother always used to say:

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"If you haven't got anything nice to say,
then shut your face, you evil prick."

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[audience laughs]

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I miss that fat slag.

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[audience laughs]

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There's a bug going around.
Does anyone have COVID-19?

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[audience cheers]

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A lot of you.
I've been avoiding it like the plague.

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[audience laughs]

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Do you think we overreacted to COVID-19?

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[audience] Yes.

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Yeah, a lot of the survivors think so.

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[audience laughing]

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Hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

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[audience applauding]

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Survivors think we overreacted,

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but I think if you could do
a survey of the dead,

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they would say:

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"We could've done more."

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[audience laughs]

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[chuckles]

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I didn't lose any loved ones.

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I mean,
a lot of my elderly relatives died,

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but no one I was that fond of.

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[audience laughs]

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Let's talk about the controversial thing,
the vaccine.

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Who won't take it because they think
it's dangerous? Raise your hands.

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[man boos]

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Now take that hand
and slap yourself in the fucking face.

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[audience laughs]

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[audience applauding, cheering]

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Hear that?
That's the voice of fucking reason.

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[audience laughing]

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The spread of COVID was directly linked
to how dense the population is,

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and some of the population,
quite fucking dense.

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[audience laughing]

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[audience applauding]

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Maybe you read something.
There's a lot out there.

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I read that COVID's not even real.

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It's all been a hoax. It's a conspiracy.

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I tell you who's gonna feel like fools.

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All the people that died of it.

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[audience laughs]

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Gonna have to dig them up and tell them.

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"Come on, you, get out of there.

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It's not even real and you died of it.

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Fucking idiot. Get out."

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[audience laughing]

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We're in the middle of an obesity crisis.

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But what is obesity? Well, basically,

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it's a swelling disease
you can only catch from biscuits.

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[audience laughs]

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My girlfriend had us on a diet
where there was a cheat day,

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which I thought was great.

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[audience laughing]

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Turns out a cheat day's
not what I thought it was.

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She came home all excited.

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"I ate pizza!"

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I ate pussy.
I thought it was what we're doing. Sorry.

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[audience laughs]

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It's brilliant we're finally seeing
plus-sized models on the cat-waddle.

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[audience laughing]

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I worry if I do fat jokes,
I won't reach a wider audience.

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If you're fat and offended,
be the bigger person.

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[audience laughing]

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Any vegans? Anyone here vegan?

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- [man cheers]
- There? What's your name?

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Go on. What happened,
did you run out of energy?

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[audience laughing, applauding]

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Yeah--! [sighs]

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Fair enough, there's nothing in tofu.

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Where's the vegan? What's your name?

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- [man] Ben.
- Give us a wave. Hi, Ben.

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People get confused. Vegan, vegetarian.

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If you're vegan, Ben,
it means you're boring to talk to.

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[audience laughs]

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Vegans, they won't kill anything
other than a conversation.

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[audience laughing]

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[audience applauding, cheering]

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Driving. Who drives? We all drive?

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[audience] Yeah!

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I'm finding it increasingly frustrating.

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Especially in Central London.
Had an incident last year.

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Not road rage
but about as close as you'd wanna get.

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I'm in a 30-mile-an-hour zone,
built-up area, middle of the day.

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What am I doing? Thirty miles an hour.

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Driving along, minding my own business.
Come across a guy doing barely 10.

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What do you do?
Flash lights, toot the horn,

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let him know,
"Move over or speed up," right?

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He didn't do either.
So in the end, I'm the lunatic.

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I'm flashing the lights like I'm insane
and sat on that horn.

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This is what I was dealing with.
He had a novelty license plate.

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"Beloved mum in flowers."

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[audience laughing]

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Prick, am I right? Prick.

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What?

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I got fined for parking in a disabled bay.

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Turns out you don't qualify
if it's only erectile dysfunction.

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[audience laughs]

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I say "only."
It's like trying to pose jelly.

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[audience laughing]

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Like trying to pick a lock
with a marshmallow.

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Like trying to play snooker
with a bit of rope.

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I need an attractive young woman
for this next bit.

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You, madam, you see anyone?

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[audience laughing]

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I'm the worst.
You're an attractive young woman.

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I imagine you're a stranger
to a man thumbing in a softie.

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[audience laughing]

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Give it time. Ask your mother.

128
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I don't like sleeping over
at friends' houses.

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I'd rather stay in a hotel
than at a friend's house.

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You stay at the house, in the morning,
"How'd you sleep?" You explain:

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"I find it difficult to masturbate
in someone else's home."

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[audience laughing]

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I don't look at porn anymore,
at Internet pornography.

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Not a big moral thing,

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I just choose not to
because I recently finished it.

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[audience laughing]

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Put the hours in. You can get there.

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Put my initials in, it said, "Rehydrate."

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I actually did porn.
I was in a pornographic film.

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[audience cheers]

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But this was years ago, when I was a kid.

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[audience laughing]

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He's looking at me like,
"I knew I knew you."

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Mansplaining, it's when a man

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tries to explain what you already know
in a patronizing manner.

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[audience laughing]

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It's when a man, that's me...

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tries to put clever-clever thoughts
in your pretty brain.

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You understand that?

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[in baby-talk voice] Yes, you do.

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Yes, you do. You're such a clever girl.
You're so clever.

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[in normal voice] That's a meta joke.

153
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Can you say "meta joke"?

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I can't believe you said it.

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[audience laughing]

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Everyone is shaving their pussy.

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Mainly women.
Everyone is shaving their pussy,

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and hipsters these days have beards.

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So society has the same amount of hair,
just on different cunts.

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[audience laughing]

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Everyone is shaving their pussy.

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No matter what you think of that joke,
what a lovely opening.

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[audience laughing]

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I think we all prefer
a clean work surface.

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There is a theory.

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People say men enjoy
a shaved downstairs on a lady

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because it looks like
a young girl's vagina.

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[audience groans]

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I wish.

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[audience laughing]

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When my girlfriend shaves hers,
it looks like a pig's foot.

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[audience laughing]

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A moral dilemma
for my vegan friend over there.

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He doesn't know
whether he wants to eat that or not.

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I like dwarves.

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[audience chuckles]

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You're not meant to say "dwarf"
but "little people."

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I don't like the term "little people."

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Because "little," bit patronizing.
And "people"? Come on, that's a stretch.

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[audience laughing]

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Dwarfism is a growing problem.

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[audience laughing]

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[scattered applause]

184
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I had a dwarf come up to me after a show.

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Not right up to me. Up to about there.

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[audience laughing]

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He wasn't angry,
but he was a little short with me.

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He was not happy.

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[audience chuckling]

190
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[audience laughing]

191
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No laughing matter. I had a friend
that was a dwarf, died last year.

192
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He actually took his own life.
Yeah, committed suicide.

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Jumped off a curb.

194
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[audience laughing]

195
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Someone's brought a fucking child.
What age are you, man?

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[young man] Seventeen.

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- What, sorry?
- [young man] Seventeen!

198
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Seventeen.

199
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Seventeen but it's Southend.
You could be a father of four.

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[audience laughing]

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We don't know.

202
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It's different here, isn't it?

203
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- Is this your girlfriend?
- [young man] Yeah.

204
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[gasps] Seventeen, you got a girlfriend.

205
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:08,440
Fingers or are you using your dick?
What's going on?

206
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,720
[audience laughing]

207
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,720
Don't judge me, I'm just asking.

208
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I've ruined your evening. Sorry.

209
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- What's your name?
- [young man] Charlie.

210
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:22,640
- Charlie?
- [Charlie] Yeah.

211
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:24,280
Named after what you sell.

212
00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:26,360
[audience laughing]

213
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:28,840
It's Charlie Charlie, everyone.

214
00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:33,320
- What do you do, mate?
- [Charlie] I work in an amusement park.

215
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,920
- You work in an amusement park.
- [Charlie] Yeah.

216
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When you fuck, do you say,
"Wanna go faster, scream louder"?

217
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:41,280
[audience laughing]

218
00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:50,040
I went on safari. Anyone been on safari?

219
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- [scattered cheers]
- A few. If not, I'll catch you up.

220
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Basically, a safari is
an inconvenient zoo.

221
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- We've all been to the zoo, right?
- [audience] Yeah.

222
00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:03,240
In a zoo, you see the animals
but not in the natural environment.

223
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:06,520
You go on a safari,
you're in the natural environment.

224
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The only downside is,
you can't see the fucking animals.

225
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,280
[audience laughs]

226
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:14,560
You get driven around
by a prick in a jeep telling you:

227
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:16,600
"The leopard's nocturnal."

228
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Well, I'm not. Wake the fucker up.

229
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,520
[audience laughing]

230
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,960
I'm gonna talk about racism

231
00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:30,560
and this is a straight white man talking,
so pay attention.

232
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:32,640
[audience laughing]

233
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:38,960
Black Lives Matter happened,
and it raised very important questions.

234
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:40,640
Questions like, "Am I racist?"

235
00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:43,080
If you're wondering, here's what you do.

236
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:45,960
Ask a close Black friend, "Am I racist?"

237
00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,200
If you don't have a Black friend...

238
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,280
[audience laughing]

239
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,840
A good rule, if you're white
and you're gonna talk about race,

240
00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:00,440
it shouldn't involve your neck muscles.

241
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:04,840
If you feel the urge before you speak
to look around conspiratorially...

242
00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:06,440
[audience laughing]

243
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:10,640
...shut the fuck up.

244
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,760
[audience laughs, applauds]

245
00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:15,200
Black Lives Matter, a good thing.

246
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:19,520
People that didn't understand came along
and went, "All Lives Matter."

247
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,560
Oh, for fuck's sake.

248
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:27,440
It's like saying, "Save the Whale,"
and someone going, "Save All Animals."

249
00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:33,080
Yes, but we don't really have a problem
with people harpooning pigeons, you cunt.

250
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:35,880
[audience laughing, applauding]

251
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:41,240
Are there ginger people in?

252
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,000
[audience members cheer]

253
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:46,680
We've kept them back there
in the darkness, have we?

254
00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:48,400
[audience laughing]

255
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:52,080
Wow, that's fucking weapons-grade
there, isn't it? What's--?

256
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:54,680
- What's your name? The blue shirt.
- [man] Roger.

257
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:56,120
Roger.

258
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,160
Hi, Roger. Nice to meet you.

259
00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,200
That's where ginger
meets disability, isn't it?

260
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,560
[audience laughing]

261
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:06,120
You can park where you fucking like
with that coloring.

262
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,960
You look as if you get sunburn
checking the phone.

263
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,040
[audience laughing]

264
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,800
Factor 50 for you just to look
in a fucking fridge.

265
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:23,400
What do you think?
What do you think of "ginger"?

266
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:24,400
[Roger] It's all right.

267
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,040
"It's all right."
That's the right attitude.

268
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:28,800
Also, the fuck are you gonna do?

269
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,000
[audience laughs]

270
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:32,360
I don't like the term "ginger."

271
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:35,960
Because if you say blond or brunette,
it is a descriptor.

272
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:38,280
You're describing someone's hair color,
no edge.

273
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:41,400
With ginger, even if you say it nicely,
there's a bit of edge.

274
00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:44,800
Ginger, a little bit of edge.
Ginger, a whisker away from

275
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:45,800
ginger cunt.

276
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,880
[audience laughing]

277
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,160
Some offense.

278
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:57,040
That's why I don't use "ginger."

279
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,400
I prefer to say "strawberry disgusting."

280
00:14:02,680 --> 00:14:04,000
And who are you with?

281
00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:05,880
- [Roger] My wife.
- That's your wife?

282
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,440
- What's your name, the wife?
- [woman 1] Lauren.

283
00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:11,440
You do anything else for charity
or just fuck this guy?

284
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:13,120
[audience laughing, applauding]

285
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:14,680
Fuck this guy?

286
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,440
It's enough, isn't it? It's enough?

287
00:14:19,920 --> 00:14:22,400
What a fucking-- What a bighearted lady.

288
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:27,440
I used to date this incredible-
looking woman, just beautiful.

289
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:29,480
We're still together,
but she let herself go.

290
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,480
[audience laughs]

291
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,160
[woman 2 boos]

292
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,960
There's an ugly woman
at the back going, "Boo."

293
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:38,040
[audience laughing]

294
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:42,960
- [woman 2 speaks indistinctly]
- What? Sorry.

295
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:43,880
[woman 2] Rude.

296
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:44,880
Rude?

297
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,440
[audience chuckling]

298
00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:50,640
[audience laughing]

299
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:52,800
Sorry. When I said
an ugly woman at the back--

300
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:54,480
"Talking to me. Yeah.

301
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,160
Yeah.

302
00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:57,120
Rude."

303
00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:58,520
I mean...

304
00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:00,600
[audience applauding, cheering]

305
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:06,000
If it's self-esteem, there's nothing
I can do about your self-esteem.

306
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,360
That's why they call it self-esteem.
Your name?

307
00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:11,520
- [woman 2] Kelly.
- I'm gonna go soft on you.

308
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,080
Like every man that's ever seen you naked.

309
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:16,480
[audience laughing]

310
00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:18,560
[audience whistling, applauding]

311
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:29,880
I'm just saying. You're what
dimmer switches were invented for.

312
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:30,800
I'm sorry.

313
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:32,880
[audience laughing]

314
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,520
You ever wonder
why there's a dimmer switch in a bedroom?

315
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:38,640
That.

316
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:40,640
Yeah.

317
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:45,680
My girlfriend's younger than me,
so when she's 45, I'll be...

318
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:46,840
with someone else.

319
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:48,600
[audience laughing]

320
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:53,640
I've been in a relationship
for 20 years, and...

321
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,880
- [audience cheers]
- Thank you.

322
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:58,280
The question I get asked most is,

323
00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,920
how do you keep things fresh
in the bedroom?

324
00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:02,600
Wet wipes.

325
00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:04,600
[audience laughing]

326
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:07,240
Wet wipes for her.
I can wash my dick in the sink.

327
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:11,240
I believe that's called
a gentleman's rinse.

328
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,240
I'm quoting that from <i>Pride and Prejudice.</i>

329
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,200
There's the sequence
where she says to Mr. Darcy:

330
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:20,640
"Yes, sling it up me, but before you do,

331
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:23,400
it's a bit whiffy,
maybe a gentleman's rinse."

332
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:25,480
[audience laughing]

333
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:29,440
Some are laughing.
He's thinking, "I might read that."

334
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:34,560
I can't find my girlfriend's clitoris.

335
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:39,160
I suspect it's because
I've been looking in the wrong vaginas.

336
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:40,760
[audience laughing]

337
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,480
My girlfriend and I,
we've got cute little names,

338
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:46,760
when we're alone.

339
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:49,840
I call her kitten or bear.

340
00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:52,080
And she calls me Jeff or Martin.

341
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,160
[audience laughing]

342
00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:57,560
Something's going on.

343
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,040
Ever shouted out
the wrong name during sex?

344
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,760
That's embarrassing.
Especially if you're on your own.

345
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:06,480
[audience laughing]

346
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:08,320
Who's Dave?

347
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,400
[audience laughing]

348
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,000
I don't even know a Dave.

349
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,240
[moans]

350
00:17:16,599 --> 00:17:18,480
Apologies, madam. I finished on you.

351
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:20,520
[audience laughs]

352
00:17:20,599 --> 00:17:24,960
My girlfriend shouts "daddy."
Which I think is a bit rude. "Daddy"?

353
00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:27,400
There's three of us here,
not just you and your dad.

354
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,480
[audience laughing, murmuring]

355
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,320
[Carr laughing]

356
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:41,240
I need participation from the men.

357
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:42,880
Let's practice "yeah," on three.

358
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:45,080
- One, two, three.
- [men] Yeah.

359
00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:46,520
Sparta!

360
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:47,760
[audience laughs]

361
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:49,000
Masculine energy.

362
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,200
Just shout if this applies to you.

363
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:54,720
Ever been ghosted by a girl?
Sent a message, got nothing?

364
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:55,800
[men] Yeah!

365
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,600
Ever had the opposite,
send a girl a message, got 30 back?

366
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:00,040
She's way too keen.

367
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:00,960
[men] Yeah!

368
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,880
Had a girl cry during sex?

369
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:04,680
- [men] Yeah!
- You're a rapist.

370
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,760
[audience laughing, applauding]

371
00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:13,160
You raped a lady.

372
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,320
[audience laughing]

373
00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:19,520
You remember that lady that was crying
while you fucked her? That one.

374
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,200
You raped that lady.

375
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,120
My girlfriend's not a morning person,

376
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,600
which is terrible
when someone close to her dies.

377
00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:30,520
[audience chuckling]

378
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:37,600
When my girlfriend's mom died,
it fell to me to break the news to her.

379
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:41,000
And that is one
of the most difficult text messages

380
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:42,400
I've ever had to send.

381
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,200
[audience laughs]

382
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:46,080
LOL means "Lots of love," right?

383
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,200
[audience laughing]

384
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:52,680
"Mom dead. LOL."

385
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:54,760
[audience laughing]

386
00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:57,680
The reason I'm a comedian is my mother.

387
00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:01,040
Had a hilarious,
larger-than-life Irish mother.

388
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:02,520
Very funny woman.

389
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,320
But more than that, she had a weird laugh.

390
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:07,640
[audience laughs]

391
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:09,680
People think I've got a weird laugh.

392
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:12,080
My laugh's weird. I laugh in, not out,

393
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:14,000
so instead of "ha, ha," it's more:

394
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,080
[laughing while inhaling]

395
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:20,760
There's something of an asthmatic
donkey fucking a seal about my laugh.

396
00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:22,360
Yeah. I get that.

397
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:25,720
[laughing while inhaling]

398
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,560
Like a learning-disabled goose
having a panic attack.

399
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:30,960
[audience laughing]

400
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,520
My mother had a weirder laugh than I have.

401
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:36,040
So she had narcolepsy,
a thing called cataplexy,

402
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:39,400
where you lose muscular control
when you laugh.

403
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:43,320
Have you met someone
that makes no noise when they laugh?

404
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,480
No noise at all. Just like weirdly:

405
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:48,480
[audience laughing]

406
00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,280
My mom had an extreme version

407
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:54,680
where she'd fully lose muscular control
when she laughed.

408
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,400
She'd fully stroke out.

409
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,000
[audience laughing]

410
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,080
I shouldn't really joke about strokes.

411
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,680
If I ever have a stroke,
I'll be laughing on the other side.

412
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:07,760
[audience laughing]

413
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:11,240
With that stroke joke,
I let this side down.

414
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:13,240
[audience laughs]

415
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:14,640
So my theory is,

416
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:18,320
I was motivated to make my mother laugh
when I was growing up.

417
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:21,120
Because if she walked in
with a tray of teas...

418
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:22,960
[audience chuckles]

419
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:26,200
...if you could say shit funny enough,
she'd like:

420
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,800
[audience laughing]

421
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,800
[audience applauding]

422
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,600
She'd be gone. Fully gone.

423
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,280
Fucking brilliant. [laughs]

424
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:49,000
Anyone here with their mom?
You guys are out with Mom, right?

425
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:50,560
Fucking tremendous.

426
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:51,920
- How old are you?
- [man] Eighteen.

427
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,120
Eighteen?

428
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,360
- Eighteen, and out with Mom?
- [man] Yeah.

429
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:56,640
Aw. [chuckles]

430
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,560
[audience laughs]

431
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:01,320
Can't imagine the next five minutes
is gonna go great for you, is it?

432
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:03,400
[audience laughing]

433
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,240
What? I used to go out
with my mom all the time.

434
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,520
She's very nice.
She brought us up on her own.

435
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:12,800
She'd invite us along to things.
She's very kind.

436
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:15,600
I remember, the only time
it ever went wrong,

437
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:18,480
I was about 13, and Mom said,
"You wanna come to the cinema?"

438
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:19,480
I went, "Yeah."

439
00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,520
I went to see <i>9 1/2 Weeks </i>with my mom.

440
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:23,560
[audience laughs]

441
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:27,200
If you're not familiar,
it's a soft-core porn film from the '80s,

442
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,640
starring Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger.

443
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:32,120
I know that 'cause it's burnt
on my fucking retina.

444
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,040
[audience laughing]

445
00:21:34,120 --> 00:21:36,920
It's soft-core porn.
Obviously, she didn't know.

446
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,920
We arrived at the cinema,
and this thing started.

447
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:44,400
I was like 13, just entering puberty,
watching soft-core porn with my mom.

448
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:46,000
Fucking awkward.

449
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:49,480
And as I say,
she's a very funny woman. She waited--

450
00:21:49,560 --> 00:21:52,840
The whole thing is a sex scene,
but there's one where they're going at it

451
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:55,600
like a barn door in a fucking gale.

452
00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:00,480
She nudged me, and so
the whole cinema could hear, she went:

453
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:01,800
"They'll sleep tonight."

454
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:03,880
[audience laughing]

455
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,640
Even at 26,
my mom did all my washing for me.

456
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:16,200
I remember sitting in the bath, thinking,
"I'm old enough to wash on my own, Mom."

457
00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:17,600
[audience laughing]

458
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,560
My mom walked in on me masturbating.

459
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:24,200
I said, "Mom, stop masturbating."

460
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:26,280
[audience laughing]

461
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:32,840
You're looking at me like,
"Moms don't masturbate." Yeah, they do.

462
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:35,240
[audience laughing]

463
00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:36,440
Your mom.

464
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,600
Here, I'll prove it to you.

465
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:44,880
You ever go home and there's
no batteries in the TV remote?

466
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,960
[audience laughing]

467
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:48,440
Mystery solved.

468
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:50,720
Mom's had some "me time."

469
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,280
She's only here to check me out.

470
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,840
It's a health and safety nightmare.
She could slip off her seat.

471
00:22:57,920 --> 00:22:59,680
[audience laughing]

472
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,880
It's easier being a man
than a woman. We agree?

473
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:07,840
- [audience] Yes.
- Yeah.

474
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:11,120
I think it happens very early in life,
and our language betrays us.

475
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:15,200
When you were a little boy,
there's loads of fun names for your dick.

476
00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:17,920
"Knob," "winky," "tommy banana."

477
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,480
[audience laughing]

478
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:23,960
"Tommy banana," it's a medical term.

479
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:26,440
For the girls, it's more difficult.

480
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:30,240
When I was growing up, the girls
would call their, uh, Sunday face...

481
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,360
[audience laughs]

482
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,640
They would call it their "fine china"

483
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:38,440
because they're rhyming slang,
"fine china, vagina."

484
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,360
I think it's a nice term. It was fine
until my father came home and said:

485
00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:45,440
"The boss is coming to dinner.
Everyone on your best behavior."

486
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,600
Then turned to Mom and went,
"Better get your fine china out."

487
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,880
[audience laughing]

488
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,240
Someone wants that promotion.

489
00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:58,240
It's quite a nice term, "fine china."

490
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,800
You only get your fine china out
on a special occasion.

491
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:04,080
"What's your fine china like?"
"It's got a little crack in it."

492
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,200
[audience laughing]

493
00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:08,760
"Would you like cream in your fine china?

494
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,480
Would you rather in your mug?"

495
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:13,720
[audience laughing]

496
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:18,080
"I'm sorry, darling. I've smashed
your mother's fine china."

497
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,560
[audience laughing]

498
00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:23,480
Just ladies on this,
because men can be dreadful,

499
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:26,200
favorite term,
now or then, for your vajayjay.

500
00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:28,200
What do you call your vajayjay?

501
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:30,480
- [woman 1 speaks indistinctly]
- "Minky"?

502
00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:34,320
- Or "minke"?
- [audience laughs]

503
00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,280
Because it's soft like a mink?

504
00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:38,360
Not like a minke whale,
not fucking massive.

505
00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:40,120
[audience laughing]

506
00:24:40,200 --> 00:24:42,440
Or has it? It's not a blowhole, is it?

507
00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:44,640
Oh, that's-- Oh-- Fine.

508
00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:46,280
Any others?

509
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:48,200
- [woman 2] Flower!
- [Carr] "Flower"?

510
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,760
Have you got one of the squirty ones?
They're fun.

511
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:53,120
[audience laughing]

512
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:56,400
"This flower smells funny."

513
00:24:57,880 --> 00:24:58,800
Any other?

514
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:02,400
"Noony"? That's how much of it
I'm getting. None-y.

515
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,480
[audience laughing]

516
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:06,360
You don't think I'm ready for that jelly.

517
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:08,960
I had one the other day. There was a lady,

518
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,000
I guess mid-sixties, in my audience,
and I didn't get it at first.

519
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:15,400
We're talking about this,
and she went, "Beetle bonnet."

520
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:17,120
I went, "What?"

521
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:20,640
She went, "From my perspective,
when I look down, beetle bonnet."

522
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:22,400
[audience laughing]

523
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:23,880
Like the car bonnet.

524
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:28,360
Then her husband chipped in
with "gaping chasm of doom."

525
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:30,640
That's from his perspective.

526
00:25:31,760 --> 00:25:33,200
Any other unusual ones?

527
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:36,440
"Princess palace"?

528
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:39,680
It's a palace?

529
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:42,200
Sounds roomy.

530
00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:44,280
[audience laughing]

531
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:49,880
Is there a ballroom?

532
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:51,960
[audience laughing]

533
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:54,800
[audience applauding]

534
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:02,760
My girlfriend calls it her fufu,
which is a bit juvenile.

535
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:06,080
It makes Mr. Dingle Dangle
not wanna do the humpty hump.

536
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:08,080
[audience laughs]

537
00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:09,960
We should do a heckle amnesty.

538
00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:11,800
I like it when people join in and heckle.

539
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:14,000
- You know the rules, right?
- [man 1 whoops]

540
00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:15,680
You could join in,

541
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:19,280
no physical contact,
you can only use your mouth,

542
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,560
like your mom
when she's having a flare-up.

543
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:23,600
[audience laughs]

544
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:26,880
- Any heckles? Anyone care to...?
- [man 1 whoops]

545
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:29,800
- [man 2] What have you done to your hair?
- What have I done to my hair?

546
00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:31,680
I've redistributed.

547
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:33,400
[audience laughs]

548
00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:36,040
I had too much hair on the back
and not enough up here.

549
00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:41,120
The glare would've taken your eyes out,
so it's for you that I've done this.

550
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:45,520
I think I've gone from having LEGO hair
to having Playmobil man hair.

551
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:47,400
[audience laughing]

552
00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:50,880
They say you can't polish a turd,
but you can roll it in glitter, can't you?

553
00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:54,960
[man 3] Your suit don't fit you!

554
00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:56,600
"Your suit don't fit you"?

555
00:26:57,360 --> 00:26:59,360
Who does it fucking fit? I mean...

556
00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:00,880
[audience laughs]

557
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,120
[man 3 speaks indistinctly]

558
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,280
Sorry? I bought it from a kids' shop?

559
00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:08,520
I don't know how to explain this.
I'm not that small, I'm just far away.

560
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,240
[audience laughing]

561
00:27:18,040 --> 00:27:20,520
[man 4] You look like a puppet
without the string!

562
00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:22,840
I look like a puppet without the string?

563
00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:24,640
[audience laughs]

564
00:27:25,360 --> 00:27:27,720
Charlie, you chip in quite a lot,
don't you?

565
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:29,040
[audience laughs]

566
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:30,840
And sleep.

567
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,200
[audience laughs]

568
00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:34,840
Bill Cosby taught me that.

569
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:37,960
[audience laughing, exclaiming]

570
00:27:40,240 --> 00:27:42,520
He's not gonna like what happens next.

571
00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:48,560
Scientists say
the largest sexual organ in the body

572
00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:51,360
is actually the mind.

573
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:54,240
But that's because
those scientists haven't seen

574
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:55,640
Charlie's mom's fanny.

575
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:57,600
[audience laughing]

576
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:02,400
I'd like to thank Charlie's mom
for letting us use it.

577
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:05,360
It's a wonderful space. Wonderful space.

578
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:08,040
[audience laughing, applauding]

579
00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:12,960
No, I've got on very well with your mom.

580
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,520
I'll never forget
what your mom said to me.

581
00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:18,000
"Let go of my ears,
I know what I'm doing."

582
00:28:18,080 --> 00:28:20,080
[audience laughing]

583
00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:25,520
I'm not being disrespectful.
I got on very well with his mom.

584
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:26,800
I made his mom come.

585
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:30,680
I remember clearly
because she dropped her chips.

586
00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:32,760
[audience laughing]

587
00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:36,640
Who here--? Who's under the age of 35?

588
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:37,960
Give us a shout.

589
00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:39,320
[audience cheers]

590
00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:40,920
Loads of us.

591
00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:43,720
[audience laughing]

592
00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:46,080
What? I've had a lot of work done.

593
00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:49,000
I'm trying
to fucking Benjamin Button this thing.

594
00:28:49,840 --> 00:28:51,640
Everything's changed, right?

595
00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:54,200
Apps on our phones
have changed everything.

596
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:57,080
It's a generational change.
I'll explain, right?

597
00:28:57,160 --> 00:29:01,080
Uber, Lyft, any of the taxi apps,
press a button, the car is there,

598
00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:03,840
clean, efficient,
it knows where you wanna go.

599
00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:06,240
That used to be called mini cabs.

600
00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:10,080
Here's how it worked.
You got a copy of the <i>Yellow Pages,</i>

601
00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:13,080
which was the old Internet printed out...

602
00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:14,880
[audience laughs]

603
00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:17,280
...you stood in the hallway of your house.

604
00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:18,920
Why the hallway?

605
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:20,840
It's where the fucking phone lived.

606
00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:23,360
[audience laughing]

607
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:27,160
You spoke to a woman
who lied to you about where a car was.

608
00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:32,840
When it finally turned up, it smelled like
dogs and fags and fear and sexual assault.

609
00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:35,360
[audience laughing]

610
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,640
Deliveroo, you got Deliveroo?
Postmates? Just Eat? Yeah?

611
00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:39,600
[audience cheers]

612
00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:42,600
Any foods you want delivered
to the door in half an hour.

613
00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:44,760
That used to be called takeaways.

614
00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:46,680
You had two options,

615
00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:48,960
Indian or Chinese.

616
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:52,680
And if you had a nut allergy,
you would die.

617
00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:54,520
[audience laughing]

618
00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:56,760
That was the old system, yeah.

619
00:29:56,840 --> 00:30:00,680
People my age would go,
"No one back in my day had a nut allergy."

620
00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:02,720
They did. They just fucking died.

621
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:07,520
Remember the kid you were in
primary school with, the one that moved?

622
00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:09,680
[audience laughing]

623
00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:13,000
Mom tried to make a pad thai,
the silly bint. Dead.

624
00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:16,880
- Instagram. You got Instagram?
- [audience cheers]

625
00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:18,000
Instagram's pretty good.

626
00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:21,120
We used to have to go to people's
houses to look at their holiday photos.

627
00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:22,240
[audience laughing]

628
00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:24,840
It didn't take long
'cause it was only ever 24 photos.

629
00:30:25,880 --> 00:30:28,360
Twenty-three of the holiday, one of a dog.

630
00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:33,960
If you took a picture
of your breakfast in 1990

631
00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:37,480
and showed it to everyone you knew,

632
00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:41,560
they would think you were a mental cunt.

633
00:30:41,640 --> 00:30:43,640
[audience laughing]

634
00:30:45,960 --> 00:30:47,240
That has not changed.

635
00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:51,400
[audience laughing, applauding]

636
00:30:51,480 --> 00:30:52,360
[Carr chuckles]

637
00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:55,320
I used to take a photo
of everything I ate,

638
00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:57,600
but my new girlfriend's a private person.

639
00:30:57,680 --> 00:30:59,680
[audience laughing]

640
00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:05,080
We used to have Tamagotchis.
You remember Tamagotchis?

641
00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:06,320
[audience] Yes!

642
00:31:06,400 --> 00:31:09,880
The little digital things that you would
keep alive by giving them attention?

643
00:31:09,960 --> 00:31:12,920
We've still got them.
They're called Instagram models.

644
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:15,200
[audience laughing]

645
00:31:15,280 --> 00:31:17,960
- Tinder. You all got the Tinder?
- [audience cheers]

646
00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:19,240
Tinder's all right.

647
00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:21,960
We always had Tinder,
but Tinder used to work differently.

648
00:31:22,040 --> 00:31:24,160
Tinder used to be called going out.

649
00:31:25,040 --> 00:31:28,120
Here's how Tinder used to work.
If you liked a woman,

650
00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:29,640
you'd go dance near her.

651
00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:32,560
[audience laughing]

652
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:33,880
Yeah, I've still got it.

653
00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:38,360
She would swipe left or right
by either walking away

654
00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:40,440
or not walking away.

655
00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:44,960
That was the system.
It's a miracle anyone got their dick wet.

656
00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:49,080
Sorry, you might be too young.
You're not missing out.

657
00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:51,200
It's basically Deliveroo for chlamydia.

658
00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:53,280
[audience laughing]

659
00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:56,960
- Facebook. Have you got Facebook?
- [audience] Yes!

660
00:31:57,040 --> 00:31:59,560
Facebook's all right.
We've always had Facebook.

661
00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:01,640
The job of Facebook has been done
in society,

662
00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:03,640
but it didn't used
to be done by technology.

663
00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:06,920
The job of Facebook used
to be done by your moms.

664
00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:10,440
I'll explain. Here's how Facebook worked
in the '80s.

665
00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:12,960
You'd go in the house. Go in the kitchen.

666
00:32:13,040 --> 00:32:16,640
You'd make tea. You'd sit down.
Your mom would rush in and go:

667
00:32:16,720 --> 00:32:20,200
"Do you remember that lady we used
to live opposite? She just had a baby."

668
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:23,520
And you'd think, "I couldn't give a fuck."

669
00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:25,600
[audience laughing]

670
00:32:26,600 --> 00:32:27,600
Facebook.

671
00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:29,680
[audience laughing]

672
00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:31,760
[audience applauding]

673
00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:35,440
Netflix. You got Netflix?

674
00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:36,640
[audience] Yes!

675
00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:39,920
Of course. Netflix used
to be called Blockbuster Video.

676
00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:41,920
[audience laughs]

677
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:45,840
Instead of sitting on the sofa,
arguing about what you were gonna watch,

678
00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:49,800
you had to go to a special shop
in the high street and fight in public.

679
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:51,880
[audience laughs]

680
00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:55,240
And here's the bit
I think millennials can't understand.

681
00:32:55,320 --> 00:33:00,160
If you wanted to watch a good film,
you couldn't, because some other cunt was.

682
00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:02,240
[audience laughing]

683
00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:08,080
You'd get home,
"Did you get the new <i>Terminator </i>film?"

684
00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:12,680
"No. Some other cunt's watching that.
I got <i>Weekend at Bernie's."</i>

685
00:33:12,760 --> 00:33:14,200
[audience laughs]

686
00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:17,800
"Oh, that's gonna be shit." "Yeah, we're
watching it. What are you gonna do?"

687
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:22,440
The pricing system was straight-up lunacy.

688
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:26,960
It was £5 for two films, but then
it was more if you didn't rewind the film.

689
00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:30,200
We used to have to rewind films!

690
00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:34,240
Suitcases didn't always have wheels.

691
00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:36,320
[audience laughing]

692
00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:40,760
I don't know why I'm so angry.

693
00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:46,880
If you were late returning a film...

694
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:48,720
[audience] Ohh!

695
00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:52,960
Heaven forfend. It's like
a fucking ransom note turned up.

696
00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:54,240
[audience laughing]

697
00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:57,360
£12 for the safe return of <i>Turner & Hooch.</i>

698
00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:01,840
If you were late returning it
to Blockbuster three times,

699
00:34:01,920 --> 00:34:04,000
they banned you from the shop.

700
00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:06,920
They didn't need your business.

701
00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:09,360
It turns out they did. They went bust.

702
00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:11,440
[audience laughing]

703
00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:15,400
But they didn't just turn on Netflix
the day Blockbuster went under.

704
00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:17,920
No. There was a weird stage
in between for years.

705
00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:21,080
There was a thing in the U.K.
called LoveFilm.

706
00:34:21,159 --> 00:34:24,520
Where they would post you a DVD,
and you'd watch the DVD,

707
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:26,719
and then you'd post the DVD back.

708
00:34:27,199 --> 00:34:29,560
Like you were pen pals with a shop.

709
00:34:29,639 --> 00:34:31,040
[audience laughs]

710
00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:34,400
LoveFilm, it sounds
like the coating on a dildo.

711
00:34:34,480 --> 00:34:36,920
[audience laughing]

712
00:34:38,199 --> 00:34:41,159
"Give this a rinse.
It's got LoveFilm all over it."

713
00:34:41,239 --> 00:34:43,239
[audience laughing]

714
00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:46,960
I met a girl in the audience
with a weird job.

715
00:34:47,040 --> 00:34:50,080
Chatting with the audience,
this girl, I said, "What do you do?"

716
00:34:50,159 --> 00:34:52,120
She said, "I work in marketing." In what?

717
00:34:52,199 --> 00:34:56,159
She went, "I'm head of marketing
for a prosthetic limbs company."

718
00:34:56,679 --> 00:34:59,000
I'd never met an arms dealer before.

719
00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:01,080
[audience laughing]

720
00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:05,120
I said, "You sell used ones?
That'd be a secondhand shop."

721
00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:07,200
[audience laughing]

722
00:35:08,040 --> 00:35:11,400
We can all agree.
That is a woman robbing a living, right?

723
00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:16,120
'Cause if ever there was a product
that requires zero marketing spent,

724
00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:17,920
it's prosthetic limbs.

725
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:22,240
What's going on in that showroom?
"Can I help you, sir?"

726
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:24,320
"Just browsing, thank you."

727
00:35:24,400 --> 00:35:26,400
[audience laughing]

728
00:35:27,280 --> 00:35:29,680
"I was passing and thought I'd hop in."

729
00:35:31,800 --> 00:35:35,440
"It might interest you to learn,
there's 50% off right legs."

730
00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:38,760
"That's what happened to me."

731
00:35:38,840 --> 00:35:40,840
[audience laughing]

732
00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:48,120
"Maybe I could help you make a decision."
"Thanks. I've been stumped."

733
00:35:48,200 --> 00:35:49,520
[audience laughing]

734
00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:51,760
"I don't want this
to cost me an arm and a leg."

735
00:35:52,680 --> 00:35:56,680
The only way to market prosthetic limbs
is to manufacture land mines.

736
00:35:56,760 --> 00:35:59,200
[audience laughing, murmuring]

737
00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:02,880
Terrible thing. Joke about
a terrible thing. We've been through this.

738
00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:04,400
[audience laughs]

739
00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:08,200
If I was making a bomb,
I'd paint all the wires the same color.

740
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:10,280
[audience chuckling]

741
00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:15,400
It's not a joke. It's just a good idea.

742
00:36:15,480 --> 00:36:16,600
[audience laughs]

743
00:36:16,680 --> 00:36:17,880
[Carr laughs]

744
00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:20,880
I have a friend
that suffers terrible mood swings.

745
00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:23,160
Goes from happy to sad in an instant.

746
00:36:23,240 --> 00:36:26,200
Could be laughing one minute,
tears the next, basically bipolar.

747
00:36:26,280 --> 00:36:29,480
What I'm saying is,
I've got a friend that's a woman.

748
00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:31,560
[audience laughing]

749
00:36:34,240 --> 00:36:37,840
Really? You were laughing a minute ago,
and now you've got a face on.

750
00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:39,960
[audience laughing, clapping]

751
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:41,560
You basically proved my point.

752
00:36:43,400 --> 00:36:44,960
That's a meta joke, isn't it?

753
00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:46,440
[audience laughing]

754
00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:56,680
The young woman that lives opposite me
has started her own webcam business.

755
00:36:56,760 --> 00:36:58,480
She'll be thrilled when she finds out.

756
00:36:58,560 --> 00:37:00,560
[audience laughing]

757
00:37:01,720 --> 00:37:03,760
Hotel sex is better than home sex.

758
00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:06,840
You make noise. You can make a mess.
Your wife's not there. Better.

759
00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:08,920
[audience laughing]

760
00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:14,240
Oh, so here's a story. I was
at a doctor's, about two years ago.

761
00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:16,920
He said, "I need a sperm sample."
I said, "No problem."

762
00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:20,240
He said, "Would you like help
from an attractive Russian nurse?"

763
00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:21,240
I went, "Yeah."

764
00:37:22,600 --> 00:37:25,640
"Send in the Russian nurse."
This gorgeous, could-have-been-a-model

765
00:37:25,720 --> 00:37:29,200
Russian nurse walked in.
Called Vlad, big bloke.

766
00:37:29,280 --> 00:37:31,520
[audience laughing]

767
00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:35,840
He got me. So Vlad goes,
"Would you like to masturbate in the cup?"

768
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:38,520
I said, "I'm good,
but I'm not ready for competition yet."

769
00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:40,600
[audience laughing]

770
00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:49,400
And then Vlad takes me off to--
They've got a room in the doctor's office

771
00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:52,040
specifically for the purpose
of collecting sperm samples.

772
00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:55,120
I don't know what they call the room.
The wank bank?

773
00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:58,000
No. Something medical,
something Latin-sounding.

774
00:37:58,080 --> 00:38:00,240
I don't know. The, uh--
The masturbatorium.

775
00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:01,880
[audience laughs]

776
00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:06,040
Not half bad, masturbatorium.
Sounds like something from <i>Harry Potter.</i>

777
00:38:07,360 --> 00:38:10,120
"Ah, it's the masturbatorium, Harry,
for the Expelliarmus."

778
00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:12,560
[audience laughing]

779
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:14,600
So sorry, I got you again there.

780
00:38:14,680 --> 00:38:16,520
[audience laughs]

781
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:18,600
So they've got everything you need

782
00:38:18,680 --> 00:38:21,160
for the matter in hand, literally,
in this room.

783
00:38:21,240 --> 00:38:23,080
They've got a lock. Important.

784
00:38:23,160 --> 00:38:26,640
They've got a seat, a loo, a sink,
and they give you--

785
00:38:26,720 --> 00:38:29,800
When you're giving sperm
in a doctor's office, they give you porn.

786
00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:32,160
Hardcore porn.

787
00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:34,520
Quite a lot of ass stuff,
not really to my taste.

788
00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:37,000
But whatever.
I'll work with it. I'm a trouper.

789
00:38:37,080 --> 00:38:38,040
[audience laughs]

790
00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:42,120
So I'm in there, and I'm doing what a man
needs to do to produce a sperm sample.

791
00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:43,960
I'm about to complete the mission.

792
00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:47,200
I'm on what's referred to
as the vinegar strokes...

793
00:38:47,280 --> 00:38:49,280
[audience laughing]

794
00:38:52,480 --> 00:38:54,440
...when I notice
out of the corner of my eye

795
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:57,520
there's another drawer
with porn for straight men.

796
00:38:58,080 --> 00:39:00,080
[audience laughing]

797
00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:05,400
Well, now I feel a fool.

798
00:39:05,480 --> 00:39:07,040
[audience laughs]

799
00:39:07,120 --> 00:39:09,800
- Are there any lesbians in?
- [woman cheers]

800
00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:11,080
One over there?

801
00:39:11,640 --> 00:39:12,960
Hi. What's your name?

802
00:39:13,040 --> 00:39:15,160
- [woman] Aisha.
- Aisha. Hi, Aisha.

803
00:39:15,240 --> 00:39:17,480
Do you mind me asking,
are you a gold-star lesbian?

804
00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:18,400
[Aisha] I guess so.

805
00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:20,640
- Are you not familiar with the term?
- [Aisha] No.

806
00:39:20,720 --> 00:39:22,840
- You look young. Are you new to this?
- [Aisha] Yeah.

807
00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:25,440
- Well, how old are you, Aisha?
- [Aisha] Nineteen.

808
00:39:25,520 --> 00:39:28,840
Christ. Yeah, you've not been
smashing pasties for long.

809
00:39:28,920 --> 00:39:31,440
[audience laughing, clapping]

810
00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:36,120
It's an expression.

811
00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:41,840
Aisha, I'll, uh... So a gold-star lesbian
is a lady that has--

812
00:39:41,920 --> 00:39:46,320
How can I put this politely?
Has never had a vitamin D injection.

813
00:39:46,400 --> 00:39:47,760
[audience laughs]

814
00:39:47,840 --> 00:39:53,160
Whereas you get other girls that are
try-before-you're-bi. Bi now, gay later.

815
00:39:53,240 --> 00:39:54,920
[audience laughs]

816
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:56,760
They try the D, but it's not for them.

817
00:39:56,840 --> 00:39:59,080
"I don't like it.
It's pointy, and it spat at me."

818
00:39:59,160 --> 00:40:01,160
[audience laughing]

819
00:40:02,720 --> 00:40:05,480
I had sex with a lesbian once.
Well, she is now.

820
00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:08,200
[audience laughs]

821
00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:11,480
I've got a friend who's a lesbian,
a gold-star lesbian.

822
00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:14,640
You would know
she was a lesbian from 400 yards.

823
00:40:14,720 --> 00:40:18,080
She's all tatted up,
got the sleeve, the short hair,

824
00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:20,040
rolls her own tampons.

825
00:40:20,120 --> 00:40:22,120
[audience laughing]

826
00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:31,880
All about that life.

827
00:40:35,640 --> 00:40:39,520
You're not meant to ask, I asked--
She's my age, late forties.

828
00:40:39,600 --> 00:40:43,160
I said, "You've never been with a man,
how'd you know you wouldn't like it?"

829
00:40:43,240 --> 00:40:47,160
She said, "You've never had a dick in you,
how do you know you wouldn't like it?"

830
00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:51,240
I said, "Because I've never fucked myself
with a plastic dick."

831
00:40:51,320 --> 00:40:53,320
[audience laughing]

832
00:40:55,080 --> 00:40:56,600
She said, "Never?"

833
00:40:58,120 --> 00:41:00,240
[audience laughing]

834
00:41:00,320 --> 00:41:02,440
I said, "Let's get a drink.
We're being silly."

835
00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:04,440
[audience laughing]

836
00:41:04,520 --> 00:41:07,320
I go to a nurse--
Any nurses in? We got nurses?

837
00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:09,760
Is there one there? What kind of nurse?

838
00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:12,440
Adult nurse.
You work in the emergency room?

839
00:41:12,520 --> 00:41:14,720
Have you worked in an emergency room?

840
00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:18,360
You have? What's the weirdest thing
anyone's come in with stuck--

841
00:41:18,440 --> 00:41:21,240
You know people come with the bum-bums.

842
00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:23,760
- Well, I got told a story...
- [nurse speaks indistinctly]

843
00:41:23,840 --> 00:41:25,080
[Carr] What, sorry?

844
00:41:25,160 --> 00:41:27,000
A Yankee Candle?

845
00:41:27,080 --> 00:41:29,080
[audience laughing]

846
00:41:32,600 --> 00:41:34,480
I suppose it is dark up there, isn't it?

847
00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:36,120
[audience laughing]

848
00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:38,160
You can't see where you're going.

849
00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:41,720
Yankee Candle though, so...

850
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:43,800
Well, no need to ask how you two met.

851
00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:45,600
[audience laughing]

852
00:41:45,680 --> 00:41:48,760
"I like candles." "I like candles too.
I really like candles."

853
00:41:50,640 --> 00:41:53,120
There was a nurse in couple of months ago,

854
00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:55,360
I'm chatting, said,
"What's the weirdest thing?"

855
00:41:55,440 --> 00:41:59,720
She said, "A guy walked in
with an unbroken light bulb up there."

856
00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:02,960
- [audience groans]
- Walked in, unbroken.

857
00:42:03,840 --> 00:42:05,520
Makes you proud to be British.

858
00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:07,680
[audience laughing]

859
00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:09,240
A light bulb?

860
00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:10,560
Imagine the x-ray.

861
00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:13,280
It must've looked like
someone's asshole had an idea.

862
00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:15,360
[audience laughing]

863
00:42:17,920 --> 00:42:19,200
Any other good ones?

864
00:42:19,280 --> 00:42:21,080
[nurse] A fountain pen in his penis.

865
00:42:21,160 --> 00:42:23,200
A fountain pen in his penis?

866
00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:26,160
[audience exclaiming]

867
00:42:26,240 --> 00:42:27,640
[audience chuckling]

868
00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:30,760
What was he trying to sign?

869
00:42:30,840 --> 00:42:32,840
[audience laughing]

870
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:36,440
Clever dick.

871
00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:37,960
[audience laughs]

872
00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:40,200
How long ago was this, Charlie?

873
00:42:40,280 --> 00:42:42,280
[audience laughing]

874
00:42:42,360 --> 00:42:44,360
[audience applauding]

875
00:42:50,680 --> 00:42:53,040
I had a prostate exam. Got my thumbs-up.

876
00:42:53,120 --> 00:42:54,800
[audience laughs]

877
00:42:54,880 --> 00:42:58,840
I'll tell you what you don't wanna hear
after a prostate exam, "Now you do me."

878
00:42:58,920 --> 00:43:00,320
[audience laughing]

879
00:43:00,400 --> 00:43:02,040
"You're not a real doctor.

880
00:43:03,200 --> 00:43:05,120
I shouldn't even be in a park."

881
00:43:05,200 --> 00:43:07,320
[audience laughing]

882
00:43:07,400 --> 00:43:10,320
"Fool me once, shame on you.
This is the second time this week.

883
00:43:11,680 --> 00:43:13,320
Was that even a finger?"

884
00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:15,400
[audience chuckling]

885
00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:22,200
My nana's got something that helps her
meet new people all the time.

886
00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:23,440
Alzheimer's.

887
00:43:23,520 --> 00:43:25,080
[audience laughing]

888
00:43:28,720 --> 00:43:31,040
I got in trouble
for doing a joke about Alzheimer's.

889
00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:34,240
Just a month before, I'd done
a benefit gig for Alzheimer's charity.

890
00:43:34,320 --> 00:43:36,520
Just saying some people
have got very short memories.

891
00:43:36,600 --> 00:43:38,600
[audience laughing]

892
00:43:40,560 --> 00:43:42,080
No, I shouldn't be disrespectful.

893
00:43:42,160 --> 00:43:44,480
My grandparents struggled
to put food on the table.

894
00:43:45,320 --> 00:43:47,000
They both had Parkinson's.

895
00:43:47,080 --> 00:43:49,280
[audience laughing]

896
00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:51,320
Soup was a real no-no.

897
00:43:51,400 --> 00:43:53,600
[audience laughing]

898
00:43:53,680 --> 00:43:57,440
Have you had sex
with someone really religious?

899
00:43:57,520 --> 00:44:00,120
I have, but he got moved
to another parish.

900
00:44:00,200 --> 00:44:02,600
[audience laughing]

901
00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:08,600
As a kid, for five years,
I was in the church choir.

902
00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:11,480
Now, I can't sing that well.

903
00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:13,360
But, boy, can I suck a cock.

904
00:44:13,440 --> 00:44:14,760
[audience laughing]

905
00:44:18,640 --> 00:44:20,240
I had a complaint about that joke.

906
00:44:20,320 --> 00:44:22,400
A young man came up to me
outside the theater,

907
00:44:22,480 --> 00:44:27,000
clearly emotionally distressed,
he said, "Hey, I was abused by a priest."

908
00:44:27,080 --> 00:44:28,680
I said, "No.

909
00:44:28,760 --> 00:44:30,240
No, you weren't.

910
00:44:31,280 --> 00:44:33,000
I was just dressed as a priest."

911
00:44:33,080 --> 00:44:35,080
[audience laughing]

912
00:44:39,360 --> 00:44:41,280
Pedophiles get a bad rap.

913
00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:43,360
[audience chuckling]

914
00:44:46,000 --> 00:44:47,480
But if it wasn't for pedophiles,

915
00:44:47,560 --> 00:44:50,760
I wouldn't be able to light a fire,
put up a tent, or keep a secret.

916
00:44:50,840 --> 00:44:52,840
[audience laughing]

917
00:44:53,720 --> 00:44:55,040
I left the Scouts

918
00:44:55,120 --> 00:44:59,320
when I discovered I was the only one
that did their salty secrets badge.

919
00:44:59,400 --> 00:45:01,800
[audience laughing, groaning]

920
00:45:05,720 --> 00:45:08,040
That was a hell
of a fucking phrase, isn't it?

921
00:45:09,040 --> 00:45:11,840
Let's joke about something nicer.
An old school friend of mine

922
00:45:11,920 --> 00:45:15,360
just had a face and neck lift.
I say that. He hanged himself.

923
00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:17,440
[audience laughing, murmuring]

924
00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:22,080
Is that wrong?

925
00:45:23,600 --> 00:45:26,120
Meat is hung, men are hanged.
I've got it right.

926
00:45:26,200 --> 00:45:27,600
[audience laughs]

927
00:45:27,680 --> 00:45:30,040
Last year, a friend of mine tried
to take his own life,

928
00:45:30,120 --> 00:45:33,560
and I went to see him a couple
of days later, his wife was in bits.

929
00:45:33,640 --> 00:45:36,000
I said, "How's he doing?
Is he hanging in there?"

930
00:45:36,080 --> 00:45:37,840
She said, "No, he's hanging in there."

931
00:45:37,920 --> 00:45:39,920
[audience laughing, murmuring]

932
00:45:42,680 --> 00:45:45,760
Obviously, killing yourself is
the last thing you should do.

933
00:45:45,840 --> 00:45:46,920
[audience chuckles]

934
00:45:47,000 --> 00:45:49,000
- [man] Come on!
- What?

935
00:45:49,080 --> 00:45:50,320
Can't top that.

936
00:45:50,400 --> 00:45:52,280
[audience laughs]

937
00:45:52,360 --> 00:45:56,160
There's things you just can't say anymore.
I did a joke about schizophrenia.

938
00:45:56,240 --> 00:45:58,640
A very serious mental ailment,

939
00:45:58,720 --> 00:46:01,000
but this was a joke about it,
not the actual thing.

940
00:46:01,080 --> 00:46:03,920
This lady came up to me
at the stage door, livid.

941
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:06,840
She went, "How would you like it
if you were schizophrenic?"

942
00:46:06,920 --> 00:46:09,280
I said, "Well, we're not,
so we're not bothered, are we?"

943
00:46:09,360 --> 00:46:11,360
[audience laughing]

944
00:46:12,920 --> 00:46:15,520
I'm glad you like that.
I was in two minds about that joke.

945
00:46:15,600 --> 00:46:17,600
[audience laughing]

946
00:46:19,280 --> 00:46:23,520
Progressive types say that we shouldn't
use gendered-sexual swear words,

947
00:46:23,600 --> 00:46:25,960
but those words are so expressive.

948
00:46:26,040 --> 00:46:28,680
We can't lose those words
from our language

949
00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:32,800
just because some pricks are total pussies
or wanna fanny about being dicks

950
00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:36,680
'cause they can't hear the word cock
without crying like a twat, silly cunts.

951
00:46:36,760 --> 00:46:38,520
[audience laughing]

952
00:46:38,600 --> 00:46:40,600
[audience applauding, cheering]

953
00:46:46,120 --> 00:46:48,360
Let's get to the career-ender, shall we?

954
00:46:48,440 --> 00:46:49,840
[audience chuckles, cheers]

955
00:46:49,920 --> 00:46:53,400
I've written
some potentially career-ending jokes.

956
00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:56,880
Yeah. I think we all have
come to terms with the fact,

957
00:46:56,960 --> 00:46:59,480
I get canceled
in the next couple of years, right?

958
00:46:59,560 --> 00:47:01,480
- [audience] Yeah.
- Yeah, chances are.

959
00:47:01,560 --> 00:47:04,000
Here's the good news.
I'm going down swinging.

960
00:47:04,080 --> 00:47:06,040
[audience laughs]

961
00:47:06,120 --> 00:47:09,480
I used to worry about telling a joke
so offensive I would never work again,

962
00:47:09,560 --> 00:47:13,200
but that was just me thinking
like a gender-fluid snowflake.

963
00:47:13,280 --> 00:47:15,160
[audience laughs]

964
00:47:15,800 --> 00:47:18,280
No, you paid good money
to see an edgy comedian, right?

965
00:47:18,360 --> 00:47:21,320
- [audience] Yeah.
- It'd be remiss of me not to deliver that.

966
00:47:21,400 --> 00:47:24,360
It's never about offending people,
it's about making people laugh.

967
00:47:24,440 --> 00:47:26,480
If I offend people, that's just a bonus.

968
00:47:26,560 --> 00:47:28,960
[audience laughing]

969
00:47:29,040 --> 00:47:31,000
I believe passionately
in freedom of speech,

970
00:47:31,080 --> 00:47:35,120
but I do my best not to offend any
ethnic minorities, gender-neutral groups,

971
00:47:35,200 --> 00:47:37,080
or fat, disabled, lesbian nunces.

972
00:47:37,160 --> 00:47:39,560
[audience laughing]

973
00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:43,960
That said, this next five minutes
is gonna be closer to the bone

974
00:47:44,040 --> 00:47:46,200
than a fat girl eating KFC.

975
00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:48,280
[audience laughing]

976
00:47:48,360 --> 00:47:50,360
[audience cheering]

977
00:47:50,960 --> 00:47:52,120
Yeah.

978
00:47:52,200 --> 00:47:55,320
KFC, or as I like to call it,
"the salty pigeon."

979
00:47:55,400 --> 00:47:56,880
[audience laughs]

980
00:47:56,960 --> 00:47:59,240
You never see a pigeon
outside of KFC, do you?

981
00:48:00,920 --> 00:48:02,720
It's like their Auschwitz.

982
00:48:02,800 --> 00:48:05,200
[audience laughing, murmuring]

983
00:48:08,720 --> 00:48:10,480
Right. Career-enders.

984
00:48:12,560 --> 00:48:15,920
When I give my opinion
on gender or race issues,

985
00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:20,080
people say, "It's easy for you to say
as a straight white man."

986
00:48:20,160 --> 00:48:24,080
But when I give my opinion
as a gay Chinese lady...

987
00:48:24,160 --> 00:48:26,120
[audience laughs]

988
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:28,680
...they don't like the accent I do.

989
00:48:28,760 --> 00:48:30,760
[audience laughing]

990
00:48:36,480 --> 00:48:38,680
All right, we're all still in. Great!

991
00:48:39,760 --> 00:48:41,360
I make my own vegetables.

992
00:48:41,440 --> 00:48:42,720
I've got a hammer.

993
00:48:42,800 --> 00:48:45,160
[audience laughing]

994
00:48:45,240 --> 00:48:47,240
[audience applauding]

995
00:48:51,120 --> 00:48:54,800
I'd like to try anal sex again,
but my girlfriend's a little torn.

996
00:48:54,880 --> 00:48:56,640
[audience laughing, exclaiming]

997
00:49:02,080 --> 00:49:05,080
Are there young ladies?
Ladies in their 20s, give a shout.

998
00:49:05,160 --> 00:49:06,240
[women cheer]

999
00:49:06,320 --> 00:49:09,360
You wanna go out, get drunk,
wanna have fun, right?

1000
00:49:09,440 --> 00:49:12,120
But you don't have
a huge budget at this age.

1001
00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:16,320
You wanna be cost-effective.
May I recommend the vodka tampon?

1002
00:49:16,400 --> 00:49:17,920
[audience laughing]

1003
00:49:18,000 --> 00:49:19,920
It's exactly what you think it is.

1004
00:49:20,720 --> 00:49:24,400
Get a tampon, soak it in vodka,
just a capful will suffice.

1005
00:49:24,480 --> 00:49:26,200
Pop it in your fine china.

1006
00:49:27,440 --> 00:49:29,200
Very drunk. Very quickly.

1007
00:49:30,280 --> 00:49:32,440
And if you're menstruating, Bloody Mary.

1008
00:49:32,520 --> 00:49:34,920
[audience laughing, exclaiming]

1009
00:49:35,000 --> 00:49:36,720
[audience applauding]

1010
00:49:40,560 --> 00:49:43,280
What I love about that is,
someone will try it.

1011
00:49:43,360 --> 00:49:45,360
[audience laughing]

1012
00:49:46,680 --> 00:49:48,480
Who's got kids?
Give a shout if you got kids.

1013
00:49:48,560 --> 00:49:49,640
[audience cheers]

1014
00:49:49,720 --> 00:49:52,920
Most of you. Can I thank the people
with kids for coming out to the show?

1015
00:49:53,000 --> 00:49:54,160
Thank you so much.

1016
00:49:54,240 --> 00:49:57,520
Because we've all lost friends
to their kids.

1017
00:49:58,240 --> 00:50:02,400
People we used to love spending time with,
they had kids, we haven't seen them since.

1018
00:50:02,480 --> 00:50:06,280
And that's not the worst. The worst is
when they have kids, they still come out,

1019
00:50:06,360 --> 00:50:10,520
but all they wanna do is talk
about their kids all the fucking time.

1020
00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:11,680
[audience laughs]

1021
00:50:11,760 --> 00:50:13,440
I never know what you're supposed to say.

1022
00:50:13,520 --> 00:50:16,040
What are you supposed to say
when they show you photos?

1023
00:50:16,120 --> 00:50:18,720
"Yeah, he's lovely,
but, no, I haven't seen him."

1024
00:50:18,800 --> 00:50:20,800
[audience laughing]

1025
00:50:21,640 --> 00:50:24,200
"No, I can't help you look.
I'm super busy.

1026
00:50:25,240 --> 00:50:27,920
If you're that bothered,
you should've kept the lookout.

1027
00:50:29,280 --> 00:50:32,040
It's a joke. I know where he is."

1028
00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:33,720
[audience laughing]

1029
00:50:35,600 --> 00:50:37,520
And the joke's on them, really.

1030
00:50:38,000 --> 00:50:39,480
"He doesn't look like that anymore."

1031
00:50:39,560 --> 00:50:41,560
[audience laughs]

1032
00:50:41,640 --> 00:50:43,280
"He's got sad eyes now."

1033
00:50:43,360 --> 00:50:45,880
[audience laughing]

1034
00:50:48,440 --> 00:50:50,840
I don't like it
when people say their kid is adopted.

1035
00:50:50,920 --> 00:50:52,920
What difference does it make?
It's your kid,

1036
00:50:53,000 --> 00:50:56,160
whether it's biologically yours
or a rescue.

1037
00:50:56,240 --> 00:50:58,240
[audience laughing]

1038
00:51:00,520 --> 00:51:03,440
I hate when coat hangers get tangled up
and you can't use them.

1039
00:51:03,520 --> 00:51:05,080
"So we're keeping the baby!"

1040
00:51:05,160 --> 00:51:07,760
[audience laughing, exclaiming]

1041
00:51:09,840 --> 00:51:12,640
That's an unfortunate response
from some of you.

1042
00:51:13,160 --> 00:51:15,680
That joke's only there
to warm you up for this one.

1043
00:51:15,760 --> 00:51:17,400
[audience laughs]

1044
00:51:17,480 --> 00:51:22,400
In Alabama, in America, they've made it
effectively impossible to get an abortion,

1045
00:51:22,480 --> 00:51:24,920
even if you get raped.

1046
00:51:25,000 --> 00:51:27,520
That is so fucked up. Think about that.

1047
00:51:27,600 --> 00:51:31,120
You serve your time, you get out,
you gotta pay child support. Nightmare!

1048
00:51:31,200 --> 00:51:33,200
[audience laughing]

1049
00:51:40,920 --> 00:51:42,160
I was in Amsterdam.

1050
00:51:42,240 --> 00:51:45,640
This story is going exactly
where you think it's going.

1051
00:51:46,240 --> 00:51:49,360
I was in Amsterdam on tour,
and I walked from my venue

1052
00:51:49,440 --> 00:51:52,320
to the hotel across town,
through the red-light district.

1053
00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:56,960
I got propositioned by a girl,
young girl, I mean, mid-20s, I would say,

1054
00:51:57,040 --> 00:51:58,520
wearing next to nothing,

1055
00:51:58,600 --> 00:52:00,560
just standing on a stoop.

1056
00:52:00,640 --> 00:52:03,360
And as I walked by,
she sort of brazenly went:

1057
00:52:03,840 --> 00:52:05,240
"Are you interested?"

1058
00:52:05,800 --> 00:52:07,840
"Oh, I don't have to pay for sex.

1059
00:52:08,680 --> 00:52:09,880
I'm a rapist."

1060
00:52:09,960 --> 00:52:11,960
[audience laughing]

1061
00:52:16,440 --> 00:52:19,440
Can I end my career in eight words?
What do you think?

1062
00:52:19,520 --> 00:52:21,200
[audience] Yeah!

1063
00:52:21,280 --> 00:52:23,920
Have a little faith.
Of course I fucking can.

1064
00:52:24,400 --> 00:52:27,920
Let's count them off.
"You can prevent any rape.

1065
00:52:28,000 --> 00:52:30,120
Just say yes."

1066
00:52:30,200 --> 00:52:32,200
[audience laughing, exclaiming]

1067
00:52:37,960 --> 00:52:41,080
You look like you don't wanna laugh
at that rape joke.

1068
00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:43,680
But somewhat ironically, I'm forcing you.

1069
00:52:43,760 --> 00:52:46,080
[audience laughing]

1070
00:52:46,840 --> 00:52:50,760
I'll give you a minute.
This joke is wrong on a number of levels.

1071
00:52:51,240 --> 00:52:52,960
I want you to enjoy them all.

1072
00:52:53,040 --> 00:52:54,320
[audience laughs]

1073
00:52:54,400 --> 00:52:57,840
It starts off fine,
it goes south real quick,

1074
00:52:57,920 --> 00:53:01,520
and then it pulls it back at the last
possible second. It's a real journey.

1075
00:53:02,120 --> 00:53:04,800
I don't like it
when airport security asks me

1076
00:53:04,880 --> 00:53:07,080
to take off my shoes in the airport.

1077
00:53:07,160 --> 00:53:10,400
Really, Heathrow?
Just got a new carpet, have you?

1078
00:53:10,480 --> 00:53:13,840
I wouldn't take off my shoes
if I was visiting a mosque.

1079
00:53:14,640 --> 00:53:16,000
[audience chuckles]

1080
00:53:16,080 --> 00:53:19,360
And that kind
of cultural insensitivity towards Islam

1081
00:53:19,440 --> 00:53:22,160
should tell you I'm not the guy
you're looking for.

1082
00:53:22,240 --> 00:53:24,520
[audience laughing]

1083
00:53:24,600 --> 00:53:26,600
[audience applauding]

1084
00:53:32,400 --> 00:53:35,640
Right. This should be a career-ender.
Strap in. You ready?

1085
00:53:35,720 --> 00:53:36,720
[sniffs]

1086
00:53:37,640 --> 00:53:40,000
When people talk about the Holocaust...

1087
00:53:40,840 --> 00:53:42,680
[audience chuckles, murmurs]

1088
00:53:43,480 --> 00:53:45,360
[audience laughs]

1089
00:53:45,440 --> 00:53:48,800
When people talk about the Holocaust,
they talk about the tragedy and horror

1090
00:53:48,880 --> 00:53:52,960
of 6 million Jewish lives being lost
to the Nazi war machine.

1091
00:53:53,040 --> 00:53:56,640
But they never mention the thousands
of Gypsies that were killed by the Nazis.

1092
00:53:56,720 --> 00:53:58,160
No one talks about that

1093
00:53:58,240 --> 00:54:01,680
because no one ever wants
to talk about the positives.

1094
00:54:01,760 --> 00:54:04,160
[audience laughing]

1095
00:54:04,240 --> 00:54:05,800
[audience clapping]

1096
00:54:10,480 --> 00:54:14,680
That's a very good joke for three reasons.
Firstly, fucking funny. Well done, me.

1097
00:54:14,760 --> 00:54:16,040
[audience laughs]

1098
00:54:16,120 --> 00:54:17,720
Secondly, edgy as all hell.

1099
00:54:17,800 --> 00:54:20,600
A joke about the worst thing
that's ever happened in history.

1100
00:54:20,680 --> 00:54:21,960
People say, "Never forget."

1101
00:54:22,040 --> 00:54:24,600
This is how I remember.
I keep bringing it up.

1102
00:54:24,680 --> 00:54:26,000
[audience laughs]

1103
00:54:26,080 --> 00:54:28,840
Third reason is
there's an educational quality.

1104
00:54:28,920 --> 00:54:31,760
Everyone knows 6 million Jewish people

1105
00:54:31,840 --> 00:54:34,200
lost their lives to the Nazis
during World War II.

1106
00:54:34,280 --> 00:54:36,840
A lot of people don't know,
because it's not taught,

1107
00:54:36,920 --> 00:54:39,720
that the Nazis also killed,
in their thousands,

1108
00:54:39,800 --> 00:54:44,440
Gypsies, homosexuals,
disabled people, and Jehovah's Witnesses.

1109
00:54:45,960 --> 00:54:48,240
No one knows what happened
with the Jehovah's Witnesses.

1110
00:54:48,320 --> 00:54:49,200
[audience laughs]

1111
00:54:49,280 --> 00:54:51,440
You'd have to assume
some Jehovah's Witnesses

1112
00:54:51,520 --> 00:54:54,160
came knocking on the gates
of a death camp...

1113
00:54:54,640 --> 00:54:56,640
[audience laughing]

1114
00:54:57,680 --> 00:55:00,480
...with a copy
of a magazine called <i>Watchtower.</i>

1115
00:55:02,440 --> 00:55:04,440
Some enterprising Nazi guard:

1116
00:55:04,520 --> 00:55:07,720
[in German accent] "Ah, yes, come in.
Very interested in your magazines.

1117
00:55:08,960 --> 00:55:11,720
The <i>Watchtower</i>.
We have the watchtowers here.

1118
00:55:12,560 --> 00:55:14,800
It is, how you say, a 'coinkydink.'

1119
00:55:14,880 --> 00:55:16,880
[audience laughing]

1120
00:55:18,880 --> 00:55:21,360
This is long journey for the Witnesses?

1121
00:55:21,840 --> 00:55:24,080
Come in, freshen up, take a shower."

1122
00:55:24,160 --> 00:55:26,560
[audience laughing, clapping]

1123
00:55:29,840 --> 00:55:32,520
[in normal voice] I hope you've enjoyed
the evening. You have, right?

1124
00:55:32,600 --> 00:55:33,600
[audience] Yeah!

1125
00:55:33,680 --> 00:55:36,760
I hope none of you needed it.
Sometimes you need it.

1126
00:55:36,840 --> 00:55:39,560
When life is shit, you need a laugh.

1127
00:55:39,640 --> 00:55:42,720
When things are terrible,
you need a laugh.

1128
00:55:42,800 --> 00:55:44,800
We've got the best sense of humor.

1129
00:55:44,880 --> 00:55:47,480
It's best to have
a very dark sense of humor, right?

1130
00:55:47,560 --> 00:55:48,520
[audience] Yeah!

1131
00:55:48,600 --> 00:55:51,480
At least when our life is shit,
we can laugh about it.

1132
00:55:51,560 --> 00:55:53,240
[audience laughs]

1133
00:55:53,320 --> 00:55:58,120
I feel sorry for those that get offended,
for those that can't laugh at dark shit.

1134
00:55:58,200 --> 00:56:00,920
When their life is terrible,
they've gotta white-knuckle it.

1135
00:56:01,000 --> 00:56:03,400
[audience laughs]

1136
00:56:03,480 --> 00:56:04,520
We get to giggle,

1137
00:56:04,600 --> 00:56:08,800
which is a long roundabout way
of saying I did a gig in a hospice.

1138
00:56:09,360 --> 00:56:11,360
[audience laughing, exclaiming]

1139
00:56:14,000 --> 00:56:17,960
I'm gonna talk about death and cancer now,
but don't worry, I'm very funny.

1140
00:56:18,040 --> 00:56:20,040
[audience laughing]

1141
00:56:21,320 --> 00:56:23,640
So I did a gig in a hospice.
It's a <i>Just for Laughs</i>.

1142
00:56:23,720 --> 00:56:27,200
The comedy festival in Montreal.
The charity is Hope & Cope. Great people.

1143
00:56:27,280 --> 00:56:29,680
We do the gig every year,
for seven, eight years.

1144
00:56:29,760 --> 00:56:33,680
And what they do is
they put on a concert in a hospice.

1145
00:56:33,760 --> 00:56:38,880
It's 200 dying people in the audience,
and we put on a comedy show. It's great.

1146
00:56:38,960 --> 00:56:43,080
And last time, I went on last,
so I watched from the back of the room.

1147
00:56:43,160 --> 00:56:46,360
And the other comics,
they all did great, all got big laughs,

1148
00:56:46,440 --> 00:56:50,960
but no one talked about death and cancer
in a room full of death and cancer.

1149
00:56:51,040 --> 00:56:55,080
I was chatting to a friend, I said,
"No one's mentioned what's going on."

1150
00:56:55,160 --> 00:56:56,920
He said, "You should mention it."

1151
00:56:57,560 --> 00:57:00,080
[audience laughing]

1152
00:57:00,160 --> 00:57:03,720
I'm like, "Yeah, no, I should.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah."

1153
00:57:06,000 --> 00:57:09,520
And then I felt like
I'd be shortchanging them if I didn't.

1154
00:57:09,600 --> 00:57:12,280
I felt like I had to.
So I walked up on-stage,

1155
00:57:12,360 --> 00:57:16,600
with some degree of trepidation,
in front of 200 people dying of cancer.

1156
00:57:17,760 --> 00:57:20,440
I said, "Come on,
we haven't got much time. Well, I have."

1157
00:57:20,520 --> 00:57:22,520
[audience laughing, clapping]

1158
00:57:23,800 --> 00:57:25,840
And the laugh was extraordinary.

1159
00:57:25,920 --> 00:57:29,720
It was like the volume had been turned up,
and suddenly there was air in the room,

1160
00:57:29,800 --> 00:57:34,360
and this dark ominous presence
was being taken down and laughed at.

1161
00:57:34,440 --> 00:57:37,280
I was enthused,
and it felt really empowering,

1162
00:57:37,360 --> 00:57:39,760
and I got carried away
and I took it too far.

1163
00:57:39,840 --> 00:57:41,840
[audience laughing]

1164
00:57:44,160 --> 00:57:47,720
They were fine, but I followed up with,
"Is anyone here from last year?"

1165
00:57:47,800 --> 00:57:49,960
[audience laughing]

1166
00:57:50,040 --> 00:57:51,600
"Spoiler alert!"

1167
00:57:51,680 --> 00:57:53,680
[audience laughing]

1168
00:57:55,520 --> 00:57:58,760
I finished with a couple
of my favorite cancer jokes.

1169
00:57:59,840 --> 00:58:00,920
[audience chuckles]

1170
00:58:01,000 --> 00:58:04,680
Don't look at me like, "He doesn't have
favorite cancer jokes." Of course I do.

1171
00:58:04,760 --> 00:58:06,200
[audience laughs]

1172
00:58:06,840 --> 00:58:08,080
"My father died."

1173
00:58:08,640 --> 00:58:10,040
"Really? What was it?"

1174
00:58:10,760 --> 00:58:11,640
"The big C."

1175
00:58:12,560 --> 00:58:13,600
"Cancer."

1176
00:58:14,160 --> 00:58:15,560
"No. He drowned."

1177
00:58:15,640 --> 00:58:18,040
[audience laughing]

1178
00:58:20,240 --> 00:58:21,480
Terrible thing.

1179
00:58:22,040 --> 00:58:24,080
Joke about a terrible thing.

1180
00:58:24,160 --> 00:58:25,880
We've been through this.

1181
00:58:25,960 --> 00:58:27,640
[audience laughing]

1182
00:58:27,720 --> 00:58:31,320
That's the end of my show,
and possibly, the end of my career.

1183
00:58:31,400 --> 00:58:35,280
You've been great. Thank you very much.
Thanks for coming out.

1184
00:58:35,360 --> 00:58:36,520
[audience cheering]

1185
00:58:36,600 --> 00:58:39,240
I really appreciate it.
Thank you very much.

1186
00:58:39,800 --> 00:58:42,120
See you all again. Cheers. Good night.

1187
00:58:42,200 --> 00:58:44,200
[cheering continues]

1188
00:58:48,080 --> 00:58:49,960
[applause, cheering continues]