Yeah. Not my kind of music, either.
Not too bad. Yeah, it's not too good either, though, is it, O'Leary?
I mean, about 50% of our call-outs are actually one-ends or noise complaints.
You never know what you're gonna get. Could be a domestic;
it could be just a dog barking;
um, could be a gangland shoot-out.
(SLOW-DANCE MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE)
It's never a gangland shoot-out, though, is it? No.
Nah. No Not yet.
Nope.
(KNOCKS) (MUFFLED '70s MUSIC PLAYS)
Hello? Yoo-hoo!
So, no one's actually coming to the door, but I think we can proceed with caution.
(UPBEAT '70s MUSIC PLAYS) Hey! You can leave your coats on the bed in the spare room.
Legend. Thanks, mate.
Gidday. You right? '70s-themed party. You right?
You'd be surprised at how quickly a friendly game of Twister
can actually spiral into mindless violence. (GIRLS GIGGLE)
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING IN BACKGROUND) (SNIFFS) Cigarette.
OK, guys, we've had a noise complaint.
Yeah, who's the host here?
Scuse us! We're police!
# Somehow it seems...
(POLICE RT CRACKLES) O'Leary, I'm gonna go into the kitchen,
see if I have better luck in there. Minogue? I'm right here.
I'm going to the kitchen. I heard you.
OK, look, everyone. We all like fun, but what's even more fun
I is quiet fun.l
# ...some imagination- #
(MUSIC WARPS, STOPS)
(CREAK!)
(TORCH CLICKS)
Hello? Party people?
(EERIE MUSIC)
(PANTS) A face!
I saw a horrible, hideous face!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(WHEEZES)
Where did everybody go?
(SPOOKY ELECTRO MUSIC)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
And finally, there have been more reports
about a male flasher dressed as the '90s rock star Prince,
who's been exposing himself to women at the Berhampore bus stop.
This is not only distressing to the victims themselves, but also
highly insulting to the memory of a great musical artist.
So let's see what we can do to put an end to his purple reign.
Dismissed. (CLEARS THROAT) Minogue. O'Leary. A word, please.
Now, what I think you saw, Minogue, was some kind of inter-dimensional being.
These facial protuberances - antennae,
or some kind of self-defence mechanism.
Or someone dressed as a cactus. Possibly, O'Leary.
(CLEARS THROAT, READS) Cactus costume?
I have, however, checked the records,
and that particular house has had noise complaints for over 4O years.
But here's the thing...
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(CREAKING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
What's the thing, sarge?
No one's lived in that house...
for 40 years.
Boom!
Can you not do that? Look, surely it's just an empty house.
There'll be local kids, you know, using it for parties- No.
...that kind of thing. No. I hate to say this,
but I think the evidence points to...
(MOUTHS)
A party bus? (WHISPERS)
Party ghost? Poltergeists!
It's German for 'noisy spirits'.
There's no such thing as spirits. I saw a ghost once, Minogue.
That's what turned my hair white. Your hair's pitch-black, sarge.
Yeah, well, they're in there. Trust me.
But you know what else?
GRITS TEETH: The experience turned a couple of my pubes white from fear.
(BELT BUCKLE CLINKS) I'll take your word for it, sarge. Minogue?
Nah. Copy that. (CLEARS THROAT)
Look, we don't know anything about ghosts. Ah.
That's why I'm bringing in someone who communes with the afterlife.
Chloe Patterson. She's a medium.
Huh. I'm a large, you're a small, you're an XL -
dream team. Ha.
Huh?
I Hmm, yeah. I.
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: OK. Yeah. Here he is.
Here he is. Yeah, he's communicating with me now.
He's talking about a crime...
an unsolved crime. WHISPERS: How did she know it was a crime?
We're in a police station.
He's been murdered. Actually, it was a noise complaint.
OK? What? A noise complaint.
This is a complete waste of our time. Well, hold up, cos I am getting...
A message... for someone in this room.
Well, I'm seeing a name. And I am getting...
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
I'm seeing the letter...
G.
Does one of you have a relative...
with the letter G in their name? Oh... my...
God. You're joking.
My grandpa. No! Yeah.
I get the goosebumps. Literally goosebumps.
What was his name?
Grandpa. Oh my God.
With a G.
OK. Well, he's got a message for you.
It's about the money.
The money.
He says not to worry about it.
Yes! Yes.
Yeah? Yeah. Yeah?
That is awesome news. Isn't it? Yeah.
And, wait. He also says...
He says he's proud of you. Oh my goodness. Oh.
TEARFULLY: I miss him so much, eh?
(SOBS)
But it is weird, right?
It is weird. lt's- How?
Well, because Grandad is still alive.
He lives in Havelock North. That's the point.
He's still alive. Yeah, exactly. But she's still able to talk to him.
Now, that is amazing. You can't explain that.
Do you know why you can't explain that? Because it's not real.
Because it's inexplicable.
Now, I know that my grandpa's alive. He's a beekeeper.
All right? There's a couple of times he nearly did die.
He shouldn't have been keeping bees. He went into anaphylactic shock.
Well, he should've chosen a better profession, shouldn't he? Which he did,
after he came out of hospital. Nine months in a coma.
But the point is he's alive now, and she's still able to talk to him.
Think how much she must save on mobile phone bills.
She'd probably still need one for the data- Minogue? Minogue. Minogue?
...but for the phone conversations, she's saving money on-
Minogue. I'm really happy that your grandpa's still alive, OK? Thanks, O'Leary.
I think we should get out the car and go.
OK? I just think you should have a bit more of an open mind - that's all.
That's all.
Yeah, I'm sensing that somebody definitely walked up this drive... Yeah.
...and spirit really wants me to go into this house.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, Grandad, she was talking to you.
Yeah. She said that you said not to worry about the money.
Well, I don't know what money, but we don't have to worry about it.
Yeah, I'm really picking up a strong presence.
Feel that?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
WHISPERS: Currently inside the Tukariri St property,
on the lookout for these so-called party ghosts.
To be honest, it's actually quite scary.
Um, for everyone else. Not for-
Not for me. (EERIE MOANING)
(HUMS)
Yeah. Yeah, OK. Yeah, I can hear ya. I can hear you up there.
WHISPERS: It's beginning to freak me out. Yeah, come on. OK, guys.
Guys, I'm sensing a really profound presence in this room.
If there is a spirit present in this room...
(SPRAYS BOTTLE) Make yourself known.
(MOANS, MUTTERS)
GHOSTLY VOICE: It's time to blow out the candle.
(EERIE MUSIC)
It's time to blow out the candle.
(WHOOSH!) (GRUNTS)
(GASPS) No. Don't like it. Nah. Don't like it either.
(WHOOSH!)
Oh, mate. No, no, no,
don't like this. I don't like this. I'm getting out of here. Mrs Patterson. Chloe-
Getting out of here! ...have you explained to the spirit there's been a noise complaint?
O'Leary, I might just go make sure that she gets out all right,
because of the... thing.
You might need my assistance on that, Minogue.
WHISPERS: Mrs Patterson! (STAIRS CREAK)
What the hell? WHISPERS: I guess it's a '70s ghost.
(SINISTER MUSIC)
Getting pretty close, O'Le- (BOTH SCREAM)
Wait!
(GHOSTLY '70s MUSIC PLAYS)
(MUSIC FADES)
WHISPERS: Mrs Patterson.
(GHOSTLY MUSIC)
Ha. Scuse me. (MUSIC CUTS OUT)
(DOOR CREAKS)
That's weird.
(BEAD CURTAIN RATTLES)
(GASPS)
MUTTERS: Ghosts are real, ghosts are real, ghosts are real...
Mrs Patterson! Ghosts are real, ghosts... Oh, thank God. Where have you been?
Ghosts are real, ghosts are real... Been worried sick.
(SINISTER MUSIC)
Argh! Mrs Patterson. Mrs Patterson!
(DOOR SLAMS) (GRUNTS) (DOOR HANDLE RATTLES)
(GASPS) Mrs Patterson!
PANTS: Oh no. No.
Oh no.
(POLICE RT CRACKLES) O'Leary? O'Leary!
Where are you, Minogue? Presently in the hallway. Suggest we reconvene in the living room.
Yeah, copy. I've just left the toilet.
I just left the toilet. Request we change our rendezvous point to the toilet.
Proceeding to toilet.
Roger that. I am a, uh, bit scared.
Are you? Over.
Confirmed. I'm a bit scared. Will arrive presently at the rendezvous point. Over.
Please hurry, over. Have arrived at the very scary toilet.
Yeah, I've also arrived at the scary toilet. Over.
(SINISTER MUSIC)
No, you're not here yet, O'Leary.
I'm quite sure I am. I'm standing right next to the toilet.
Well, I'm standing right next to the toilet, and I can't see you, sol don't think you're here.
OK, well, I'm standing right next to the toilet. In fact,
now my head's right over the toilet. I'm looking in the toilet, over.
Well, I've got my head pressed up against the toilet, and if you were talking,
there would be vibrations going directly into my ear, and that's not happening, O'Leary.
OK, well, look, I'm just gonna pretend sitting on the toilet.
I still can't see you anywhere in here. Over.
Well, if you were sitting on the toilet, you'd be sitting on my head right now,
because my head's in the toilet. (RETCHES)
I'm certainly not sitting on your head, Minogue. OK? I'm standing up now, next to the toilet.
I'm definitely in the toilet. O'Leary!
I think you might be in the upside-down.
No, I'm the right way up.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
I think I might be in the upside-down.
Just calm down, Minogue, OK? I'm in the upstairs toilet. Over.
Ah. Yeah, I'm in the downstairs toilet.
Calming down.
(EERIE MUSIC)
Yeah, good, cos I think I've got a bit of a situation here.
My situation's worse. (MARKER PEN SQUEAKS) Mine's pretty bad.
What's happening in your toilet?
Well, there seems to be a message appearing on the mirror, in what seems to be blood.
It says, 'We'. 'We'?
No-'Welcome.' Oh, that's nice.
'Welcome to Hell'?!
Get out of there, O'Leary. Get out of there now!
Oh. 'Welcome to Helen and Ray's 20th Anniversary.'
Oh, that's lovely. Yeah. Sorry, I thought it was gonna be scarier than that.
O'Leary? I've lost Mrs Patterson.
OK, that's way worse. I'm coming to find you now.
Roger that. Thanks, O'Leary.
(PANTS)
Well, she's not in here.
WHISPERS: Well, sometimes it's a bathroom, but other times, it's a 1970s orgy in a hot tub.
Are you sure you're not just fantasising?
Nah. All my fantasies are set in the '90s.
(WIND MOANS)
No.
Nope.
No. I've lost her, haven't I? Yep.
(SIGHS) There's ghosts in this house, aren't there?
Yep.
(GUTTURAL SNARLING)
Not Cheese Face! (PANTS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
MUFFLED: The camera guys!
WHISPERS: Come on. Just you guys - not them.
WHISPERS: Quick! Quick, quick, quick.
(DOOR SLAMS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
WHISPERS: What is it?
(DRAWER RATTLES)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Ugh! Oh! I just saw a hideous face at the window. (PANTS)
(GASPS) (GASPS) Open the window.
Oh. Oh. The door won't open.
Sorry, sarge. (TAPS ON GLASS) No worries. You right?
Yep. Uh...
Mm-hm. (GRUNTS) Yep. Yep.
Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Uh-huh. Yep, just turn around just slowly, because there's a- Not yet!
Don't swallow the torch. just down. Go down, down. Yeah, the ground's there. Ground's there.
Oh. Yep. Oh.
Phew.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you for that, officers.
I appreciate the assist. (EXHALES)
So, some, uh, new information came to light...
uh, which is why I thought I'd come down here as soon as I possibly could.
It turns out that this house here used to belong to one Raymond St john...
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
...aka the Party King.
Whoa. It does that sometimes, sarge.
The lights are dicky.
Sure. In the '70s...
Raymond's parties were the stuff of legend.
They used to go on for days.
Until, one fateful evening in 1977,
the party ended when a series of increasingly horrific events took place.
(EERIE MUSIC)
Two people were found deceased when a table lamp fell into a spa pool.
WHISPERS: Electrocuted.
Another couple drowned when a waterbed exploded,
and a man died when he got tangled up in a crocheted blanket.
Yeah. You'd be surprised how often that happened, actually.
Yeah, we met that one!
Hang on. Scuse me. You met that one?
SOFTLY: Yeah. A '70s crochet-blanket ghost.
No, no, no. No.
You met a ghost?! We've seen heaps of them.
Whoa. You right, sarge? Yeah, no, I'm all right. I just need a minute, O'Leary.
OK. There's something I should- just a minute, please, Minogue.
OK. So... (CLEARS THROAT) This is quite possibly the most disturbing -
a partygoer fell face-first into a fondue set.
Asphyxiated by cheese.
Cheese Face. Hey, sarge, I've got something I've gotta tell you.
What is it? I, um...
I lost Mrs Patterson.
What?! In the spectral realm.
You had one job, Minogue. I've had a couple of jobs. But that job, I did, uh,
I made a mistake. Sorry, sarge. Sarge.
Can't believe it. It's a ghost.
(YELLS) (YELLS)
Tase it, tase it, tase it! We need a Taser! We need to tase it. No, don't. I wouldn't tase it, guys.
Set. Set. Fire!
(ZAP! WHOOSH!) Argh! (SIZZLING)
It'll just go straight through. (GRUNTING, TH UDDING)
It's only another couple of minutes. (GRUNTING, WHIMPERING)
They will be fine after this. So after the charge is, um,
finished, um, they'll feel a little bit tired, um... (THUMPING)
...but they will get fully back to normal in a short space of time.
(GROANS)
Bloody ghosts! Still going now, which is- Yeah.
(THUMPING) So they're in quite a bit of pain now, but like I said,
once the initial tase is finished, then-
It's finishing now, see? Can you hear that?
(GROANS) They're quietening down, and that's really great.
WHISPERS: Seems to operate on a pattern.
WHISPLERS: Watch.
Toilet.
Toilet. Toilet.
Toilet.
So the pattern is it's always a toilet?
Yeah, but watch this, though.
Toilet.
Hey.
This is the New Zealand Police, the Paranormal Unit.
If Mrs Patterson is behind there, please just be there when we open the door.
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN, FAINT BUBBLING)
Oh my God!
(GHOSTLY MUSIC)
Mrs Patterson? Are you in here?
(LAUGHTER)
(GIGGLING, LAUGHTER)
Oh, I was wondering what happened to you!
Mrs Patterson, are you being held here against your will?
No! No, this is Rochelle and Peter,
lovely deceased couple from Tawa.
Clearly a case of Stocktaking Syndrome, isn't it?
Mrs P, I think you should come with us right now.
Well, I want to, but I'm... (CHOKES)
I can't... (RETCHES)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
MAN'S VOICE: Nobody leave. This is my party, and it never ends, pigs.
Mrs Patterson, if you could refrain from throwing around the slurs, please.
No, it's not her, Minogue. Nah, she's been possessed.
Sir/Madam, are you Raymond St John...
of 23 Tukariri St? MAN'S VOICE: That's right. I'm the Party King -
always partyin', always swingin'.
Mr St john, please leave Mrs Patterson's body. Get out of there, sir.
Let's party, man! No, sir, sir,
please just stay in the tub, OK? Stay in the tub. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Put your torch on.
Yeah, youse go - I'll just, um... I'll just secure the perimeter.
Sir! If you're uncooperative, we'll have to issue you with an official warning.
Ooh, official warning!
Uh! (FOOTSTEPS TAP)
Sir!
Out here.
It's locked, O'Leary. ('70s POP MUSIC PLAYS)
Hey! You can leave your coats on the bed in the spare room.
Whoa. It's like DJ-vu.
(CHATTER) You should be in bed.
Right. Listen, everyone, OK? (CHATTER STOPS)
We have had a series of noise complaints.
Oh, what? Yeah. I must also inform you that you're, um...
you're all deceased. What, we're dead?!
As my partner's stated, approximately 4O years ago,
you were all killed in completely unrelated party accidents.
So we're, uh, obviously very sorry about that.
No, no, no, no. Don't listen to the man. (CHUCKLES) Excuse me.
Hey, I've just got short hair, OK? Oh yeah. Don't make that assumption.
People always make that mistake, though, don't they? Oh, come on. We're not dead.
# We've only started livin'! # (CROWD CHEERS) Yeah!
Whoa.
Oh! CROWD: Ooh!
Often, when you're alive, the light won't pass directly through you like that.
Often it'll stop on the outside, on the clothes or the body itself.
Mr St john, you need to release your guests and, uh- No, look, my party, my rules.
No one leaves. # This party goes on forever! #
Yeah. OK. Yeah!
Party King. Is that your name? Yeah. That's my name. Don't wear it out.
Look, parties should end, you know, 11.30. Midnight at the latest, OK? Absolutely.
If you're a nana, maybe. If you're a nana. No, no, no.
No, look. Now you've called me a man, and you've called me a nana. I don't appreciate that.
No. I'm just here to help you. So then what are you, Man-Nana?
No, I'm not a nan, I'm not a- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Mana-nana?
Look, these people are not happy to be here any more, Ray. OK?
Right, everybody that wants to proceed to the afterlife, put up your ghost hands.
That's everyone, Ray. I thought you guys were havin' a good time.
Minogue. MUFFLED: Do I look like I'm havin' a good time, Ray?
Sorry, what was that, sir? MUFFLED: I don't think I'm havin' a good time.
OK, it's a bit hard to make out what you're saying. MUFFLED: I'm not having...
Thumbs up or thumbs down?
Thumbs down. He's over it too. Please, look, everyone, please just leave now and make your way
to the afterlife, OK? CROWD: Thanks, Ray. See ya, Ray. Good party.
Nice one. That's all right, Pete. Yes. Take care, guys.
Hope you're not overdressed for where you're going, most of you.
Hmm. You're buzzkille rs. Mm-hm.
That's what you are. Yep. Yep, yep. No.No-
Man-nana Buzzkiller. That's one way to put it. I would-
Another way to put it is that we're the New Zealand Police, and we're doing our job. All right?
OK? Put 'em on me. Won't be the first time.
Officers O'Leary, Minogue and myself
have removed the guests from the ceaseless party,
and they will finally be going to a much better place.
(SCREAMING)
(EERIE MUSIC)
Som we'll be taking the ghost of Mr St John back to the station,
where he'll face multiple counts of holding persons against their will
and 4O years' worth of noise complaints. Hmm.
We might be police, but we still love a good party. Mm.Yeah.
(WHOOSH!) But it's really about respecting your community.
(WHOOSH!) You can party till you drop,
uh, just not after you drop.
Mm.
BOTH: Safer communities together.