JIMMY: Ian!
Ian!
Is that you playing silly bollocks downstairs?
Ian!
KIM: Hello, Jimmy.
Remember me?
Erm...
-You killed my dad. -Yeah.
-You might need to narrow it down a bit. -Okay, how is this?
His name...
[GUN CLICKS]
...was Bill Noakes.
-Was he like this little fella? -Oh, for God's sake.
Don't shout at me! I'm trying to remember. I'm getting old.
[SIGHS]
-D'you have a picture of him or something? -Well, not on me, no!
Wasn't exactly planning on doing this tonight.
-I've got one in the car. -Do you wanna go and get it?
No, no. Come on, think! Bill Noakes!
The thing is...
it might be easier for you to exact your revenge
if you weren't standing on a trap door.
Idiot! Who's got a trap door in their house, anyway? You plank!
I do.
Where the fuck is she, man?
Un-fucking-believable.
[BEEPS]
[EXHALES]
-That'll do. -[GUN COCKS]
Whatcha!
Now if I was you,
I would mind my step, treacle.
Thanks, honey. Why don't you mind yours?
That makes no sense at all.
I'm the one walking forwards, you're the one walking backwards.
Why would I need to mind my step?
So no one's ever fallen walking forwards, have they?
Kind of unlikely in this kind of situation.
Okay, yes, so it's highly unlikely,
but I'm saying stranger things have happened.
-You watch your step. -You watch your step.
God, you're annoying.
You're annoying. Now back off. Look, I've done with blood everywhere.
I've just done a shitload of decorating.
-KIM: That's nice. -Thank you.
Now what do you say, that you and I...
have ourselves a little tumble?
No guns, no knives...
Eh?
To the death, though, right?
Yes, to the fucking death.
Jesus.
Thought we might get a bit grim, that's all.
You know, hand to hand.
Maybe that's why they call me...
the Grim Reaper.
Then maybe you are about to reap what you sow.
That's a very nice exchange there. I like that.
-Yeah, it just felt organic. -It did, didn't it?
Oh.
Well, go on then. Put your gun down.
You put your gun down.
[WHISPERS] You put your gun down.
All right, we'll put them down together. Nice and slow.
[GUNS CLATTER]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
So Beth looks up,
fixes me square in the eye and says,
"Jay, you have got the most gorgeous balls."
-Oh, fuck off. -She did, bro. I swear.
No bloke's got gorgeous balls, okay. Mine are disgusting.
I'm just gonna put that out there. I have repulsive balls.
Of course you do. All balls are disgusting.
I've got the kind of balls only a mother could find gorgeous.
JAY: I agree, mine are horrible.
[KIM YELLS IN PAIN]
[BOTTLE SHATTERS]
[GRUNTS]
[JIMMY GRUNTS]
[KIM GRUNTS]
[CHOKING]
[GROANS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[GROANS]
Fucking ow!
I bet even David Beckham hasn't got gorgeous balls and his balls are golden.
Oh, yeah, no one's doubting the golden hue of a Beckham bollock.
But that's where the aesthetic beauty of them comes to a swift end.
You know what I mean?
-She said it though, man. -Well, she's lying.
Huh. No. Beth never lies.
She's like a priest or the league table.
-She's like Shakira's hips. -Exactly.
That's how I knew we were gonna spend the rest of our lives together.
-What? -I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
[JAY GIGGLES]
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
[JIMMY YELLS]
[KIM GROANS]
[KIM COUGHS]
-Oh! -JIMMY: Ow!
Oh!
[KIM GROANS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[JIMMY GROANS]
[GRUNTS]
[CHOKES]
[JIMMY CHOKES]
[KIM YELPS]
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
[BOTH PANTING]
[KIM YELLS]
[JIMMY GROANS]
[BREATHES HEAVILY]
You think it's a bad idea, don't you?
I guess the only thing is it's been six months.
Yeah, but it's like Dad used to say, "When you know, you know."
Yeah, but you think you know things, but you don't.
That's kinda like your thing.
Yeah, but I'm not saying I think I know. I'm saying I know I know.
When you know you know something, you just know it, innit?
No, 'cause the second piece of knowledge relies on the first one
being factually accurate, which I'm saying might not be.
Mate, just 'cause you been dumped,
doesn't mean the rest of us have to be fucking miserable.
[SCOFFS]
-Kim's been a long time. -Yeah.
Well.
I hate to break it to you, kid,
but she thinks it's the end of the world
and she's run off to some rich geezer's house in the middle of the night.
What do you think's happening?
She's blatantly in there right now
just throwing some guy around the bed like it's his last night alive.
-[KIM GRUNTS] -[JIMMY GROANS]
You killed my dad.
You've made your bed.
Now you're going to die in it.
Please do not tell me you dragged me all the way up the stairs
-just to say that. -Yes.
-It's fucking terrible. -Shut up!
I am sorry about...
-killing Phil. -Bill!
Shit. Fuck! Sorry, I'm sorry.
I mean, it feels like you're doing this on purpose now!
-I swear to God, I'm not. I'm not. -[SCOFFS]
I watched him bleed to death on the floor.
Your mistake was leaving me alive that night.
You shouldn't have done that.
Oh!
Oh, I remember you.
You're little Miss Penguin, ain't ya?
I always wondered why I'd meet you.
Yes, well,
now you know.
It was a bit mean of you, though, killing that geezer outside, you know, Ian.
-What did he do? -It's a moot point though, isn't it?
We're all dead, anyway.
-Put the news on, see for yourself. -Oh, it's...
[OVERLAPPING TALKING ON TV]
MAN: In other news, the World Biscuit Eating Championships
got off to a fantastic start today.
I don't understand.
I think you'll find it's the highest amount of biscuits consumed
within an allocated time frame.
Why is no one speaking about it?
[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV]
[WIND WHISTLING]
[KEYPAD BEEPING]
[GASPS]
Fuck.
You stabbed me.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I meant to kill you.
You stabbed me
while my back was turned.
-Hmm. -That is so...
rude!
[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS] Come on then.
Fuck! [EXHALES DEEPLY]
NICKY: Kim! Kim!
I'm going out there again.
Don't stab me!
Or shoot me.
-I'm serious! -I promise, I promise.
NICKY: Kim, where are you?
Up here.
Hey, Kim.
Did you lie to me tonight
about the end of the world?
Well, I mean, I wouldn't say...
-It wasn't exactly... -Nicky!
Did you lie to me?
That is so rude.
I was about to tell you...
but you just ran out of there so quickly.
But it's okay, right?
I mean, it's not like anyone's died.
-[JIMMY YELLS] -Kim!
JIMMY: Fuck!
[LOUD THUD]
-[KIM GROANS] -Kim!
[GROANS]
[CHOKING]
Don't...
-Joe. -Who's Joe?
...tell Joe.
Tell him what?
-[CHOKING] -Who's Joe?
[SEAGULLS SQUAWKING]
Is he dead? Check his pulse. Is he dead?
-There's some of his brain on the table. -How much?
You want me to tell you how much of his brain is on the table?
Yes, Jay. If it's not too much trouble, I would like you to inform me
-how much of his brain... -I think any amount of brain
-is too much brain, isn't it? -Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot you're a fucking brain surgeon.
When did that happen? Before or after you got promoted to the deli counter?
Whoa, whoa, it's a bit much, mate.
This getting personal and shit.
-[EXHALES] -I was gonna ask you to be my best man.
Why are you still talking about weddings when there's two dead people?
It's the fish counter, anyway.
Jerk.
Kim, where have you been? Are you okay?
What's happening? Who are they? Why are they attacking you?
Oh, God, you're in shock. She's in shock.
Should we get some frozen peas? Let's get some frozen peas.
Okay. Erm, Jay, Google the recovery position.
-We need to leave, bro. -Peas, peas. Okay, peas! Great.
Um, these will help. Just, erm...
Okay, just hold that there.
Okay, I'll tell you what. Just, just...
Okay. I'm gonna call the police right now.
Is there anything you need to tell me before I do? Anything at all.
[PACKET THUDS]
Okay.
[DOOR BELL CHIMES]
-What can I get you, darling? -Coffee, please.
What sort?
[SIGHS] You pick.
[MUSIC PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
She doesn't look so dangerous, on the end there.
Tell that to my husband.
Ain't that right, Carl?
She caught me with a sucker punch, Mandy.
How many times!
If she comes in again, I'll put her smarmy little head through the window.
And which window would that be, my good man?
MANDY: There you go, my darling.
All sorted.
[SNIFFLES]
♪ Whoa
♪ Whoa, whoa
♪ Whoa
♪ Whoa, whoa
♪ I'm on fire
Okay, this is fucked up, man.
We need to call the police right now.
Also, bro, seriously, you look fucking ridiculous.
I know, I know. I just...
need to speak to Kim first and find out what's really going on.
What's really going on is we're trapped in a house
with some weirdo who's clearly out of her mind.
All right. Easy with the judging.
Ever heard of moral relativism?
Obviously not. No.
She's not out of her mind, is she?
She's just out of her context, that's all.
She's not a weirdo, and she needs our help.
She's probably just as scared as we are.
I think she's perfectly nice.
Right, we've only got an hour before we've got company.
We don't want his thugs to know we've been here,
so we'll take Ian's body with us,
make it look like he killed Jimmy and fled the scene.
He'll be easier to move in smaller pieces. Happy?
-What the... The thing is... -You've got a better plan?
Not necessarily better,
but, erm, we were just thinking
maybe call the police, calmly explain what happened.
No, what happened, Nicky, is 15 years ago
that man killed my dad in front of me.
I was six years old.
I'm so sorry.
He ruined my life.
Now he's dead.
Yeah, except he threw himself off the balcony.
You didn't do that, Kim.
Look at this guy.
Oh, my...
Have you seen the guns upstairs? I mean, we'll say it was self-defence.
It was really.
Of course, you're right.
You should call the police,
tell them exactly what happened.
All I ask is that you give me one hour to disappear.
-Can do that for me? -Disappear, like, for good?
-Just tell them I knocked you unconscious. -[SCOFFS] Uh, okay, then. Sure.
-But... -KIM: I'm still mad at you!
And this is just for my list,
because I don't know when I'll get another chance.
Have a nice life.
-[GASPS] -[JAY SHRIEKING]
Fuck my life!
[CHOKES]
I'll get the frozen peas.
He's lost a lot of blood.
We need to get him to the hospital or he's going to die.
JAY: Kim.
So I'm not being funny,
but am I the only one that's thinking...
you know,
let nature take its course, something like that?
-Jay! -He's a fucking Nazi gangster.
-He'd do the same to us. -I'm not actually.
I got that tattoo when I was 16.
Confused, insecure,
trying to fit in with the crowd.
It's a young man's game, isn't it?
-Being a Nazi? -Yeah.
You get out whenever you realise,
that everyone's just trying to muddle along.
It's the cruel world that's the problem, not the people in it.
Made mistakes in my life.
I'm happy with the person that I've become.
I can say that with my hand on my heart.
[GASPS]
God, he's a sweetheart.
If we help this guy, we're all going to prison for this, you know that.
If it comes to it, I'll take the blame.
I promise you that.
But saving Ian is the right thing to do.
[SIGHS]
KIM: You call the hospital, let them know that we're coming.
I'll dash to the car, get it all set up for Ian.
Sure, Kim. Car, dash, Ian!
Kim Kardashian!
We're in a rush, so don't worry, but remind me to explain that to you later.
Because that's probably the best thing I've said, ever.
Sorry, what do you mean "later"?
Oh, I just thought because of the whole, you know.
I told you that kiss was for my list.
Just like everything else was supposed to be.
I was so excited.
But then you lied to me, didn't you?
Now it's all ruined.
-I just think a bit of moral relativism... -I'm glad we met.
I really am.
But when you lie to someone, you squeeze the toothpaste out of the tube,
and you can't put it back in again.
Now, hang on, son. Just wait.
In that room through there,
there's 500 grand in cash,
hidden in the fireplace.
There's plenty more where that came from.
Just don't kill me, please.
This was to make you more comfortable, Ian.
Oh, I thought you were gonna smother me to death.
No!
-Oh. Thank you. -No. You're not having it now.
-Where are you going? -Where do you think?
I was only joking about the mon... [GROANS]
Shit-et-y shit.
Hello, darling.
[KIM YELPS]
I don't understand why you need to brush your teeth now.
We're in the middle of some serious shit.
What? No, Jay. It's a metaphor.
It means you can't undo something once you've done it.
Like... you can't tell a lie and then...
IAN: Oi, you two. Come and look at this!
Quick!
NICKY: Whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
-Whoa. Put it back, man. -Fuck off.
We need to get Ian to the hospital and our story straight to the police.
What if we go to the police and Kim blames it on us?
-She's not gonna do that. -IAN: Guys!
-How do you know? -Because honesty is her thing.
Bro, you don't even know her.
-I know her well enough. -Guys!
-Yes, Ian! -Yes, Ian!
Jeez! Right little moaner, isn't he?
What do you want, man?
Is she supposed to take me to the hospital?
Kim.
♪ Baby, please don't go down to New Orleans
♪ You know I love you so Baby, please don't go
♪ All right
♪ 'Fore I be yo' dog
♪ I get you way down here I make you walk the log
♪ Baby, please don't go
♪ All right Yeah
♪ Hey!