[STAYIN' ALIVE PLAYING]
♪ You can tell by the way I use my walk
♪ I'm a woman's man No time to talk
♪ Music loud and women warm I've been kicked around
♪ Since I was born
♪ It's all right, it's okay You may look the other way
♪ We can try to understand
♪ The New York Times' effect on man ♪
[BELL CHIMES]
♪ Stayin' alive, stayin' alive
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha Stayin' alive, stayin' alive
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive ♪
[MUSIC FADES]
Can I have some breakfast, please?
It's three quid for a cup of coffee and a bacon sandwich.
And obviously, if you wanted it heated up, it's another tenner.
Okay. That's the orange ones, right?
[CHUCKLES]
And it's another tenner to park your Jeep.
-Of course. There you go. -[MAN LAUGHS]
Excuse me. You do realise he's taking the...
Why don't you go to the bathroom, Mandy?
Use the big mirror, eh?
You can put lipstick on a pig, Mand. It's still a pig.
Yeah, yeah, fuck off.
-May I use your bathroom? -Of course you can, darling.
Ten pounds.
Can I help?
Why do you work for a man who speaks to you like that?
No idea, darling. But it's probably the same reason I married the bastard.
Why do you stay married to a man who doesn't love you?
You're weird.
Are you foreign or something? You don't sound foreign.
Sort of.
Can I have some of that?
[SIGHS]
Just have the lot, darling. It's cheap shit, anyway.
And listen. That fella of mine just stole from you.
You do know that, don't you?
[SIGHS]
You can be a right arsehole sometimes, Carl, you know...
[MAN GROANS]
The fuck?
Oi. Stop.
-Is everything okay? -Not really, no.
You forgot your bacon sarnie.
That's okay, Mandy. I've had enough pig for one day.
Ow. God. That got me right in the eye.
You know what? If it's all right, I will have that sandwich.
The pig line came to me and I just kind of rolled with it,
but I really am quite starving, so...
Thanks so much. That's really nice of you. See you.
[ENGINE STALLS]
Just warming the old girl up. [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
-Here we go. -[ENGINE STARTS]
Oh, oh.
♪ Life's goin' nowhere Somebody help me
♪ Somebody help me, yeah
♪ I'm goin' nowhere Somebody help me, yeah
♪ You can tell by the way I use my walk
♪ I'm a woman's man No time to talk... ♪
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Look, all I'm saying is, Nick,
you've never been very good with women, have you?
-What's that got to do with anything? -You've been dumped, kid.
By someone I was with for three years.
I'm not having a go. I'm saying that when it comes to girls,
-you've always been a duck out of water. -What?
-So, completely fine then? -Eh?
Ducks are amphibious, Jay, so they're fine in or out of water.
-Bullshit. -What do you mean bullshit?
This is what I'm talking about, bro.
No one cares about all of your university bullshit.
We literally learn that in year two. That's not even junior school.
Look. The point is, no matter how clever you think you are,
you're never gonna get anywhere cause you've got shit clothes.
-Right -A shit haircut.
-Okay. -And a dick like a burst balloon.
I've got a perfectly average-sized penis, Jay.
[BOTH LAUGH]
-Do you want to get over Ellie? -Not really.
You wanna prove you're a big man?
-Obviously not. -Okay then you have to speak
to the next woman who walks in this pub. Whoever they are.
I literally said no to both those things.
-Okay, do you want me to say it? -No.
-I'm gonna. I will say it. -Don't say it.
-I shall say it. -Please don't.
-I'm gonna say it. -I'd rather you didn't.
-You're my little bro and... -[SIGHS]
I love you.
[HUMS]
And I want you to have some fun, all right?
No, this is not non-negotiable.
-You mean it is non-negotiable. -What?
Don't worry.
Whoa, whoa. Here we go. Bro, bro, look, look.
Welcome, my friend, to the woman of your dreams.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[KIM GASPS]
-I am so sorry. -[MAN YELLS]
I will get you another one at the bar.
Oh. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Ow.
Ow, ow, ow.
-BARMAN: You all right? -[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
[INAUDIBLE]
-KIM: Can I have a glass of cider... -Sure.
...and whatever the angry- looking man behind me was drinking? Thank you.
[INAUDIBLE]
-Can I ask you something? -Yes. Yeah, fire away, amigo.
Not amigo. Just friend. Not that we're friends.
They do say a stranger is a friend you haven't met yet.
We've technically met, haven't we?
I guess it sort of depends on definitions of, like...
-Sorry. You had a question. -Yes.
-This is definitely a shoe, right? -Yeah.
I feel like there's been some sort of fundamental mistake.
I mean, no one else seems to be wearing them.
Right.
Sorry. It's just I've never really dressed up this smart before,
and I'm feeling a bit...
Yeah, no, no, no, completely.
It's the same for the one out of She's All That,
-Look what happened there. -What did happen there?
Well, at the start of the film, everyone's, like, "She's not all that,"
and she pops this dress on by the end
and then everyone's kicking themselves cause they're like,
"Ah, turns out she was all that all along."
It's a classic. You've got to watch it.
Okay.
I'll put it on my list.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
[GUNSHOT]
NICKY: Wow. So, this was taken on their first date?
Yeah. That's why I wanted this place to be my first pub.
I thought it would be nice to come for a drink here with Dad.
-Oh, is he coming down? -Oh, sort of.
You're leaning on him.
Oh, God. I'm so... I'm so sorry. Oh, my God.
You don't need to apologise to him. He's dead. He can't hear you.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
You want to ask me, don't you?
Ask you...
Why this is my first time in a pub. Or in those shoes.
Or why the only four films I've seen in my life
are Terminator 2, Shawshank Redemption, Home Alone 2 and Braveheart.
Yeah. Yeah. No, I do, actually.
I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Nicky.
Kim?
It's your turn to disembowel dinner when you've got a sec.
Kim?
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
KIM: Dear Mum, I'm sorry for leaving, but I knew that you would try to stop me.
The thing is, I finally feel ready to try new things.
Work out what's out there for me.
And make things right. For Dad. For all of us.
I'm not a little girl anymore. I can look after myself, Mum.
The world is a scary place.
-[WHOOSHING] -[GASPS]
But it's just like you said in that beautiful poem
you wrote for my 21st birthday.
"I've got all my life to live And all my love to give
"And as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive"
I will survive, Mum.
Love Kim.
So, to be clear, the end of the world is coming tomorrow?
No. I'm saying it could be tomorrow.
When it does happen, the more off-grid you are the better chance you'll have.
How's it gonna happen?
-Nuclear war, probably. -Oh.
But it could be artificial intelligence, polar ice caps melting.
The next outbreak of fish measles could wipe us out entirely.
I'm sorry. Fish?
My mum says the defining feature of humanity is impatience,
even for its own destruction.
Our mum always says that one cheese toastie is never enough,
but two is always too much.
[GIGGLES]
You're only making fun of me because the government
is hiding how bad it truly is. If you had any idea...
No, no, no. I am on your side, bro. Don't believe their lies, man.
Like, "Yeah, guys, shall we get on a spaceship and go to 'the moon'?"
As if, man. One giant leap for fucking bullshit, mate.
Okay, all right. So, Kim, you said your mum told you this.
You think we're wrong then?
Well, no, I'm just saying, I think even if we are all fucked,
I'd rather take my chances in the real world
than hide away in the middle of nowhere in a cave.
It's a hut. My mum only makes me sleep in the cave
when the bald man comes to fix the generator.
That thing breaks down a lot.
-[BELL RINGS] -What does that mean?
Okay. Fun thought. Let's say it is the end of the world
and we all had two weeks to live. What would you do?
Easy. I'd marry my girlfriend on a rollercoaster or something.
-[SNICKERS] -Nice. Nicky?
I would write a lot, paint, seek out the majesty of nature.
Really?
No. I'd eat doughnuts and try and have sex with people.
[CHUCKLES]
That's good, cause if no one wanted to have sex with you,
then you could use the doughnuts.
-That was my thinking exactly. -All right, go on. What about you?
Um... Sex and doughnuts sounds good to me.
Well, there we are, guys. To the end of the world, baby.
[NICKY TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
NICKY: [LAUGHS] Yeah.
[MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND]
[JAY WHISTLES]
Me and Ellie had been together three years.
Met at uni. You know how it goes.
I guess it wasn't mutual then?
It was, actually. It was a mutual decision between her and her new boyfriend.
[LAUGHS]
-[WATCH BEEPS] -Oh.
Don't you have to take your pollution pill?
What?
You're immunised, I guess.
Did your mum give you those, by any chance?
Yeah.
I can't believe this is your first trip into civilisation, like, ever.
Well, I did the supply run a few times, but I guess that's just in and out, so...
And why did you decide to leave now?
I haven't left. I'm going back.
It felt like now is a good time to cross some things off my list, I guess.
You and Jay are quite different then?
[CHUCKLES] Our dad died when we were kids, so that sort of brought us together.
-Oh, I'm sorry. I feel bad now. -That's all right.
He had this landscaping business,
and me and Jay, we've always had this plan to resurrect it.
But you don't want to?
I studied English at uni.
I've been offered this internship in London.
It's gonna break his heart.
So how did your dad die?
Heart attack. Yours?
Yeah, same.
He died when I was six.
That's kind of the reason why me and mum left in the first place.
It's funny.
My dad died the exact same day my little cousin was born.
We even passed my aunt in the hospital.
It's like there's a finite amount of love allowed in the world.
Exactly.
And you've got to pour a bit out to make room for the next bit.
JAY: Guys? Oh, my God. Come quick.
Yo, yo, yo, I'm serious. You lot need to come right now.
Kim, your mum was right. It's happening.
Dude, it's fucking happening.
But it's okay, cause I found some doughnuts in the kitchen.
[LAUGHING]
KIM: Oh, my God.
Is this happening right now?
-How did it start? -Kim, there isn't any...
Chlorinated chicken. And climate change. Combined.
Okay. One of us needs to call the WHO.
-The who? -Exactly.
-What? -Oh, never mind. I need to go.
-Hold on. -I don't believe it.
You spend your whole life thinking the world's gonna end
in the blink of an eye and then suddenly it is.
Seriously, don't worry. There's nothing actually...
Nicky, this is such a serious situation.
-There's nothing actually what? -There's nothing...
That we can do right now.
You're right.
-This isn't funny. Jay. -It fucking is. [LAUGHS]
It was just a joke cause of the whole sex, doughnuts,
end of the world thing. I didn't think she'd actually believe it.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Oh.
NICKY: Kim. Kim.
Get in the car.
KIM: Don't worry, Dad. There's enough time.
JAY: Where the hell is she going anyway?
NICKY: Shut up and follow her.
Kim. Kim.
Kim.
I can't believe she actually fell for it.
She's probably never seen the Internet before.
Of course she fell for it.
-Why didn't she realise on the drive over? -Because it's the middle of the night.
Even if it was true, no fucker would be awake to see it.
Stop worrying, man. Look, whoever she's gone in there to see
will tell her that it's a joke and that's that. What's the problem?
[INHALES SHARPLY]
I'd the chance to say something and I didn't.
She's gonna think I'm a right dick.
It was a little joke. She's gonna think it's hilarious.
Is she, though?
Look, even if she doesn't, what's the worst that can happen?
[KIM WHISTLES]
[MUFFLED GUNSHOT]
Trust me.
Everything's gonna be fine.
[SIGHS] Yeah, I guess you're right.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
[SIGHS]
Ian?
Is that you playing silly bollocks downstairs?
Ian?
Ian.
KIM: Hello, Jimmy.
Remember me?
Erm...
[CHEER UP, LONDON BY SLAVES PLAYING]
♪ You're dead already Dead, dead already-ready
♪ Dead already Dead, dead already-ready
♪ Dead already, dead
♪ Dead
LEAD SINGER: Cheer up, London.
Thank you. Good night. See ya.