1 00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:15,600 ["Silly Love Songs" playing] 2 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:23,160 ♪ You'd think that people would have ♪ 3 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:26,240 -[doorbell rings] -♪ Had enough of silly love songs ♪ 4 00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:28,720 Excuse me. 5 00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:32,120 -♪ I look around me and I see ♪ -[woman] Hello? 6 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:33,320 ♪ It isn't so ♪ 7 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:35,080 Excuse me. 8 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:39,920 ♪ Some people wanna fill the world-- ♪ 9 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:43,160 Excuse me. Are you the homeowner? 10 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:45,560 -[Vincent] That depends. -Depends on what, exactly? 11 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:47,640 Whether you're here to tell me I've won the pools or not. 12 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:49,520 [chuckles] Not quite. 13 00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:52,080 I'm looking for a Mr. Vincent Swan. 14 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:54,480 -Ah. -[woman] I take it that's you? 15 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:55,920 No, sorry. 16 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:57,600 And you are? 17 00:00:58,160 --> 00:00:59,120 The gardener. 18 00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:02,320 Well, if you could pass this on to Mr. Swan, 19 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:05,240 tell him that Miss Barnes from Her Majesty's Inland Revenue 20 00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:08,240 stopped by to discuss his tax affairs. 21 00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:10,200 Will do. What's he done? 22 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:11,320 [sighing] 23 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:14,760 It's more what he's not done, really. As in pay any tax. 24 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:15,920 [Vincent] Hmm. 25 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:20,480 Do many people on this council estate have private gardeners? 26 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:22,760 No. I'm a luxury few can afford. 27 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:27,920 -Tell Mr. Swan I'll see him soon. -[Vincent] Oh, I will, sweetheart. 28 00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:37,120 "Nothing's certain in life but death and taxes." 29 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,520 You know who said that? Some fucking loser. 30 00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:40,840 It's defeatist bullshit 31 00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:43,680 designed to make the feeble feel better about their tragic lives. 32 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:46,760 "Death and taxes"? I plan on avoiding both. 33 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:58,080 ♪ You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs ♪ 34 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,080 ♪ I look around me and I see... ♪ 35 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:04,240 [Vincent sniffs] 36 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:08,440 Mmm. You look handsome. 37 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:10,680 And flammable. 38 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,600 Have you got any cash? I need to pay for Robbie's school trip. 39 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:15,680 -Wallet's in my pocket. -Ah. 40 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:18,040 Uh, jacket pocket. 41 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:21,120 Oh, it's all right. I think I've found what I've been missing. 42 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:25,960 -Sam, I don't have time. -That's not what Mr. Winky is telling me. 43 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:28,520 He seems very pleased to see me. 44 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:30,120 That's not fair. 45 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:33,040 I think it's more than fair, Vincent Swan. 46 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,240 It's been ages since we've had any fun together. 47 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:37,120 Oh, Jesus, that feels good. 48 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,800 Alright. Let me get out of these trousers, yeah? 49 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:41,840 [Sam] No, no, no. You keep them on. 50 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:45,760 I want you like this, Mr. Big Shot Salesman. 51 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:48,320 In his suit. Mmm. 52 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:51,920 Let's close this deal, Vincent. It's business time. 53 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:55,200 I'm on my knees, baby, begging for all of your product. 54 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,600 That's it. Mmm, close the deal. 55 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:00,440 All over my fingers. That's it. 56 00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:02,800 [Vincent gasps] 57 00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:05,560 There we go. Mmm! 58 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:08,120 Shit. 59 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,320 I have to change now. 60 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,080 Well, let that be a lesson to you. 61 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:17,560 And I swear I'll make you ruin every single pair of trousers in that wardrobe 62 00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:19,800 until you give your family some proper attention. 63 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:25,640 [Vincent] But Sam wasn't the only one yanking my dick that particular morning. 64 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:29,520 You've got to be shitting me. 65 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,200 [Carol] Oh, he'll probably be here in five minutes. 66 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:43,320 Just come in, right inside. 67 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,000 [telephone ringing] 68 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:53,440 Pick up the phone, shitheads. 69 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:55,600 -[ringing continues] -[Carol] Yeah, he won't be long. 70 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,760 No one move, I'll get it. 71 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,520 Cachet Windows and Doors. How may I help you? 72 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:02,640 Carol, this is Vincent. 73 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:04,640 Listen. Don't talk. 74 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,640 That woman is from the tax office. She's after me. 75 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:08,720 How do you know that? 76 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,600 -Is this magic, like Paul Daniels? -[Vincent] Stop fucking talking. 77 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:13,400 I'm over the road in the phone box. 78 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:14,360 Don't look. 79 00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:16,440 Jesus Christ. 80 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,560 Oh, sorry, I'm very suggestible. 81 00:04:18,640 --> 00:04:21,360 [Vincent] Look, I need you to calmly put the phone down 82 00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:25,120 and tell her I do not work there, and you have never heard of me. 83 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:30,400 I've never heard of Vincent Swan. 84 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:34,240 So why did you just invite me in and tell me he'd be along in five minutes? 85 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:36,440 I thought you said... 86 00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:38,920 Winston... Ston. 87 00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:40,480 Winston Ston? 88 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:43,720 Okay. 89 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:48,240 Neither of you gentlemen would happen to be Vincent Swan? 90 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,960 -No, sorry. -Well is either of you the business owner? 91 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:54,320 -No, I just work here in sales. -"Work" is debatable. 92 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:57,000 He just sits there and looks pretty. I'm the salesman. 93 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,000 Pointless comment. 94 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,040 If you'd like to speak to Tony Walsh, 95 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,320 he's the business owner. He's usually at the factory. 96 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,880 -Do you have an address handy? -Here's his card. 97 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:08,320 Hmm, thank you for being more than just a pretty face. 98 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:10,320 Um, thanks. 99 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:14,960 If you do happen to run into Mr. Swan, 100 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,400 please do let him know that I stopped by. 101 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:18,800 Will do. 102 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:21,120 I mean, I would do... 103 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:22,680 if I could, but I can't. 104 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:25,800 Because I don't even know him. And he's never worked here. 105 00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:28,160 Bye. 106 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,480 -Lavatory couldn't wait to grass you up. -Don't be a cock. 107 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:40,920 -I was getting her out of the showroom. -You and your student comrades 108 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:44,320 might want to go and live in Russia, but here, in the free west, 109 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:46,200 we try not to inform on our pals. 110 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:48,640 Brian, will you just give it a rest for two minutes while I try to figure out 111 00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,520 how to get this fucking bloodhound off my scent? 112 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:51,720 Here's an idea: 113 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:53,840 why don't you pay your tax like the rest of us? 114 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:55,920 Because, unlike you, I'm not a mug, mate. 115 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,920 Paying tax is like paying your TV licence fee: 116 00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:59,200 you only do it if they catch you. 117 00:05:59,280 --> 00:06:01,480 -Which she has done. -No, she's just knocked on my door. 118 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,560 Now all I have to do is hide under the sofa until she moves on to the next sap. 119 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:07,320 -Wouldn't it be easier to just pay them? -I can't, mate. 120 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,160 I conscientiously object to taxation. 121 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:10,880 On what grounds? 122 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,560 On the grounds that I tried it once, and I didn't like it. 123 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:19,720 Luckily, it wasn't bad timing for an enforced sabbatical from the business 124 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:23,240 as I'd recently branched out into movie distribution. 125 00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:26,640 Can you believe people will pay 20 quid a pop 126 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,080 to get their own copy of this boggly-eyed little cunt? 127 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:33,920 This all started with a visit from our friendly neighborhood loan shark. 128 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:34,800 Morning, sir. 129 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:36,960 [Vincent] Ronnie Farrell had recently acquired some electrical goods 130 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:39,160 and needed a safe place to store them for a few weeks. 131 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,240 Stay in the van! I mean it! 132 00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,440 [Vincent] Just until the paperwork got sorted. 133 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:48,520 Anyway, these goods turned out to be 134 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,240 a batch of state-of-the-art video recorders and camcorders. 135 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,000 Which was handy because as well as crushed dreams, 136 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,840 the music industry had given Lavender a basic knowledge of recording equipment. 137 00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:02,720 So, when I got hold of an illegal VHS of the biggest movie on the fucking planet, 138 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:06,080 we set up our own dubbing suite and entered the pirate video business. 139 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:09,960 [scoffs] Will you piss off, will ya? God, turn that bloody thing off! 140 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:12,480 [sniffs] God. [melodramatic soundtrack playing] 141 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:13,920 The little boy's sick now. 142 00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:16,600 And the alien. 143 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,720 And talking of illegal aliens, meet Brendan, our Irish fitter. 144 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:28,960 It turns out I wasn't the only Cachet employee 145 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:30,760 looking to branch out into show business. 146 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:35,800 Martin, you've been to university. You can work a camera, can't you? 147 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:37,080 I need some photos done. 148 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:40,400 Yeah, I can work a camera, Brendan. Not because I've been to university. 149 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:41,920 You just press the button on top. 150 00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:45,400 -Will you take the fucking pics or not? -Yeah, yeah. 151 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:47,960 Seeing as you're asking so nicely. What are we shooting? 152 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:50,280 Donna, get your arse in here! 153 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,680 I need somebody to take some topless shots of Donna 154 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,920 for this Page 3 competition they're running in The Sun. 155 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,200 Five hundred quid first prize. 156 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:00,400 Obviously, I'd do it if I weren't her Da. 157 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,440 Jesus, Brendan. How old is she? 158 00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:05,200 -Sixteen. -It was my birthday on Sunday. 159 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:07,120 Oh, many happy returns, love. 160 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:09,120 Was it a toss-up between getting roller boots 161 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:10,480 or getting some tit shots done? 162 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,120 -No, no. She got her roller boots too. -[Lavender] Right. 163 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:17,000 -I want no part in this. -[sighs] Typical. 164 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:20,600 I suppose Comrade Lenin didn't approve of tits? 165 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:24,280 I wouldn't know. I'm not a communist. I just think Page 3 is degrading to women. 166 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:27,240 'Course you do. That's the problem with these Trotsky types, Brendan. 167 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:30,240 Dare to show a bit of entrepreneurial spirit, 168 00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:33,520 and they want to piss all over your dreams from their lofty moral high ground. 169 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:34,680 [Lavender] It's not political. 170 00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:37,560 I just don't particularly wanna see Donna's, or anyone's, tits 171 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:38,520 splashed across my newspaper. 172 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:40,320 Careful with that smart mouth of yours, boy. 173 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:44,360 -I'll take the pictures, Brendan. -Cheers. There's the camera. 174 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,480 If you'd like to just follow me upstairs, Donna. 175 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,120 I'll be back in an hour, love. 176 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:50,160 Don't be late, 'cause I've got majorettes at 6. 177 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:51,600 [mutters agreement] 178 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:55,440 Something wrong with you. 179 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:01,200 Come on, loosen up a bit. 180 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:04,120 Try and look a little less... dead-eyed. 181 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:07,960 Doesn't matter. I just wanna get this over with and get my 500 quick. 182 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:10,240 Well, if you wanna be in with a chance of winning the money, 183 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:13,360 we gotta get a shot that doesn't look like it should come with a ransom note. 184 00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,480 -You saying I might not get paid for this? -It's a competition. 185 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:19,000 Only the winner gets the money. It's not Reader's Wives. 186 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:22,040 -I don't know what that is. -Of course you don't. 187 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:27,000 It's an erotic magazine where consenting adults send in nude photos. 188 00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:29,120 -A grot mag? -Yeah. 189 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:31,520 -And they get paid? -Yeah. 190 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:33,480 Twenty-five quid a shot. 191 00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:35,480 I've heard... someone... I've heard... 192 00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:36,520 Lavender told me. 193 00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:38,240 Well let's just do that, then. 194 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,080 Yeah, all right then, but don't tell your dad. 195 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:45,320 That's better. 196 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,240 [Vincent] Meanwhile, hiding from the tax Nazi 197 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:50,080 gave me the chance to score some brownie points with Sam and the kids. 198 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:52,800 Hands up who thinks I'm the best daddy in the world. 199 00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:58,120 Well, hands up who wants a day off school. 200 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,640 -Yep. -That's better. 201 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,680 All right. The Swans are having a family day out. 202 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:09,040 I see they're thinking up new ways to make Page 3 even creepier. 203 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,080 There's the latest. 204 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:14,040 "Cute little Karen Clarke was a topless beauty at an early age, 205 00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:17,560 but she's a big girl now, all right, and every inch a lady." 206 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:19,800 She sure is. What's wrong with that? 207 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,680 Just everything possible, I suppose. 208 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:23,600 They've even lined up her two-year-old self, 209 00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:25,760 so she's looking directly at her 19-year-old breasts. 210 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,480 Do you honestly think that's all right? 211 00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:31,920 'Course. Look at little Karen there. She looks pleased as punch 212 00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,400 she turned into such a stunner. 213 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:36,840 Oh, hello, love. Just head upstairs. Get yourself ready. 214 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,320 Don't call me "love". 215 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:41,200 What are you up to? 216 00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:43,080 -None of your beeswax. -All right. 217 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:45,080 Maybe I'd better ask Brendan when I see him. 218 00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:49,320 All right, I'm just helping Donna make a little bit of extra pocket money. 219 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,640 If she's going to immortalise her bangers on celluloid, 220 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,560 she might as well get some moolah doing it. 221 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:57,320 Her words, not mine, before you start labeling me "sexist". 222 00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:00,160 Hello, Brian. We okay to leave the car out the front? 223 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,360 No, the warden round here's a Nazi. 224 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:04,520 Just swing it round the back of the showroom. 225 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:06,560 Who was that? 226 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:09,840 Those gentlemen are local artistes 227 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,840 who've expressed an interest in honing their nude, 228 00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:14,880 still life photography techniques. 229 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,920 They look like the sort we were warned not to speak to on the way home from school. 230 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:21,000 Yeah, well as they're paying 200 quid for an hour's studio time, 231 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,240 me and Donna are more than happy to speak to them. 232 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:27,120 You just stay down here, staring disapprovingly at tits. 233 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,000 [Vincent] Now her genies were out of the bottle, 234 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:30,520 Donna wanted quick, easy money, 235 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:34,000 and Fitzpatrick was precisely the kind of degenerate to help her find it. 236 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:36,800 Elsewhere, the Swan family Beano was underway, 237 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:38,520 and nothing says quality family time 238 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,840 like a visit to the spot where it all began. 239 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,800 -[Robbie] So creepy down here. -[Sam] We're not lost, are we, Vincent? 240 00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:46,560 [Vincent] No one's lost. We're nearly there. 241 00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:52,120 -Do you know what that is, kids? -What are we looking at? 242 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:53,920 -More boring trees. -[Vincent] No. 243 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,000 That is the spot where you were conceived. 244 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:59,200 -Oh, Jesus, Vincent. -Right up against that big tree. 245 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:00,880 [Sam] You actually think this is all right? 246 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:03,880 -Oh, I want to go back to school. -What does "conceived" mean? 247 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,080 You're gonna have to do much better than this, Vincent. 248 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:09,240 Okay. 249 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:18,760 Fitzpatrick's photography class was soon exploring all the classical poses: 250 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:23,200 naughty school girl, sexy tennis player, slutty nurse. 251 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:25,240 And while a picture paints a thousand words, 252 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:27,120 it turns out a video was gold dust. 253 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:30,120 -Do you ever record these sessions? -Come on, mate, don't take the piss. 254 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,400 -How much? -Another 200 quid. 255 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:33,560 Each. 256 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:36,280 Shit, really? 257 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:38,600 And you're both in? 258 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:41,760 -Donna? -Yeah. 259 00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:44,320 All right, wait here. 260 00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:48,800 All right, look. It's got auto focus, so all you need to do is point and shoot. 261 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:50,720 And then making copies is pretty easy. 262 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:54,000 Just put the master copy into one machine, press "play", 263 00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:56,480 then take a blank tape and put it into the other machine 264 00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:58,800 and press "play" and "record". There you go. That's it. 265 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:03,960 If you film it and run off a couple of copies, there's a 20 in it for you. 266 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:05,720 Huh. Let me see. 267 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:11,520 My dignity and self-respect versus 20 pounds. That is a tough one. 268 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,000 Come on. Donna doesn't give a shit. 269 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,720 It's all tasteful Page 3 stuff. 270 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,920 Yeah, Page 3 isn't really tasteful, though, is it? 271 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,240 Oh, your KGB pal is back for more info. 272 00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:24,200 Tell you what, try and resist the urge to grass this time. 273 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:29,920 Hello, Miss... Barnes. 274 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:33,640 Don't tell me. You liked our windows so much, you're back for a free quote? 275 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:36,280 Unfortunately, I'm here on official business. 276 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:39,560 Though, you could sell me anything with those puppy dog eyes of yours. 277 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:40,800 [grunts] 278 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:44,240 Any sign of your colleague Vincent Swan? 279 00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,400 Don't think I have a colleague called "Vincent Swan". 280 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:47,840 [Miss Barnes] Nice, very good. 281 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:51,680 The problem is that our investigators have evidence that Mr. Swan 282 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:55,160 has been an employee of Cachet Windows for the last eight months. 283 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:58,360 And yet no one who works here seems to remember him. 284 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:03,240 Isn't that strange, Pretty Face? 285 00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:09,560 That is strange, but like I said, I really can't help you. 286 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,280 The thing is, Mr... 287 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:12,720 Call me "Martin". 288 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:18,400 The thing is, Martin, we could continue with this charade for weeks 289 00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:20,480 until I eventually catch him, 290 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:24,760 or we could investigate other avenues 291 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:28,600 for making all of this unpleasantness disappear. 292 00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,720 I'm sorry, "other avenues"? 293 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:36,600 Let's just say I'm more inclined to believe an individual 294 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:38,720 when they're trying to be accommodating. 295 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,360 And right now I can see great potential... 296 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,640 for how accommodating you might be to me. 297 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,200 Oh, my goodness. Is that the time? I must fly. 298 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,280 Tell Mr. Swan I'll be back tomorrow. 299 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,760 ["The Tide is High" playing] 300 00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:58,440 [gulls calling] 301 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,640 -[Natalie] They look evil. -Dad, I'm scared. 302 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:04,080 It's freezing, Vincent. Can't we just eat these in the car? 303 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:05,760 [Vincent] Don't be daft. Look around. 304 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,400 Beats any al fresco dining experience on the planet. 305 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:10,880 And is "al fresco" Italian for "bleak and terrifying"? 306 00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:14,000 [gull screeches] [family laughs] 307 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:17,240 All right, look, we're not gonna let a couple of seagulls ruin our moment. 308 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:20,680 They're predators. They won't attack if an alpha stares them down. 309 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:22,360 I'll bog them out. You finish your dinner. 310 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:25,280 Right, you thieving little bastards, stay away from my family. 311 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:26,720 -Oh, no. -Really? 312 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,880 -[family chatter] -[Vincent mimicking gulls] 313 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:31,440 He's obviously practised this before. 314 00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:33,520 [mimicking gulls] 315 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,640 Right. Maybe we've all had about as much Vincent time as we can handle. 316 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,600 [gull screeches] [Natalie] Whoa! 317 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:39,480 -Mama! -Right. 318 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,520 -Car. We're getting in the car, Vincent. -This is ridiculous. 319 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:43,000 You're right. Your dad can do better than this. 320 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:43,960 -[Natalie] Yeah. -[Vincent] Gimme. 321 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,160 What are you doing? 322 00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:47,880 Run! 323 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,560 -[family laughing] -[Vincent] Come on! 324 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,840 What I really wanted to show you was the new creation. 325 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:54,920 Um... 326 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,000 [laughter] 327 00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:58,880 ["Solsbury Hill" playing] 328 00:15:58,960 --> 00:15:59,800 See what I made? 329 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:02,600 [indistinct] 330 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:05,840 Would you like a bite? 331 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:11,080 -We have to go on this! Come on! -Let's go, let's go. 332 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:13,000 [inaudible] 333 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:18,120 ♪ Climbing up on Solsbury Hill ♪ 334 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,120 ♪ I could see the city light ♪ 335 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,040 ♪ Wind was blowing, time stood still ♪ 336 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,000 Let's go. Go, go, go! 337 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:29,920 ♪ Eagle flew out of the night ♪ 338 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:35,680 Thank you. They really needed that. 339 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:37,440 -I enjoyed it. -Good. 340 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,080 So you heading back in tomorrow? 341 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:43,760 No. I thought we could all go up to London. 342 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:46,560 We can't keep them off school another day. 343 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:48,760 Besides, it's Robbie's school trip tomorrow. 344 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,320 I said that you might chaperone him if you were around. 345 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,200 -And where are they going? -Is that a "yeah"? 346 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:55,800 I'm thinking about it. 347 00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:59,560 Right, well, it's Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, 348 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:01,040 Basildon Civic Centre. 349 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:03,600 You're gonna have to make me spunk in a few more pairs of trousers 350 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:04,560 before I agree to that. 351 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:08,880 Well, that can be arranged. 352 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:11,520 You two are disgusting. 353 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,640 [Vincent] We weren't the only ones having a productive day. 354 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:19,280 Right. I'll run off a few copies. 355 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:22,720 ♪ Hey! ♪ 356 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,720 Brian, can you tell them to hurry up, please? 357 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,320 Bollocks. Uh, blank tape... 358 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,840 Bollocks. Uh... 359 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:44,160 [Vincent] The next day, after Sam had persuaded me several times over, 360 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:45,960 I agreed to take Robbie on his school trip. 361 00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:48,120 Right, wait here. I'll be back in a minute. 362 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,880 But before that, my other demanding children required some attention. 363 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,880 -Morning, arseholes. -[Fitzpatrick] All right. 364 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,600 Right, I haven't got long. 365 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:00,760 I've gotta get on a coach with 35 snot-nosed teenagers in half an hour. 366 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,840 Ah, sweetheart. Some coffee and some toast, please? 367 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:07,080 -There we are. -All right. Thanks for doing these. 368 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:08,720 [Lavender] You're welcome. 369 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,680 Oh, shut the lid, will ya? That fucking thing gives me the creeps. 370 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:16,520 You're happy to sit in a room full of sex offenders, taking tit pics of a teenager, 371 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:18,240 but loveable old ET gives you the creeps? 372 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,760 Yeah, it's business. This is different, isn't it? 373 00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:24,480 -It's... I just don't trust his kind. -"His kind"? 374 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:26,160 What, special effects puppets? 375 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,120 No. You know what I mean. Fucking aliens. 376 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:30,320 I mean, what is their game? 377 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,880 I'm not sure they exist, let alone have a game. 378 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,640 If they want me to be less suspicious, 379 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,920 stop shining blinding white lights in my face, 380 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:40,720 and speak through your mouth. Don't send messages directly to my brain. 381 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:41,960 It's fucking freaky. 382 00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:45,520 Most of these concerns appear to be based on Close Encounters of the Third Kind. 383 00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,000 Speaking of close encounters, 384 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:49,280 did our friendly neighborhood tax inspector pay a visit? 385 00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:50,160 Yes, she did, 386 00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:53,240 and the good news is I might've found a way to get her off your back. 387 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,240 The bad news is I think it involves me sleeping with her. 388 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,760 It sounds like disastrous news. For her. 389 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:03,080 A bit of, uh, good old-fashioned sexual harassment. Sly minx. 390 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:06,400 So look, what's next? I don't feel comfortable asking you to sleep with her. 391 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,640 Although I'm definitely going to insist he does exactly that. 392 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,680 Lavender wasn't the only one holding the shitty end of the stick. 393 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,280 When I'm old, and you even think about putting me in a home, 394 00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:17,360 reflect back on this day, young Robbie. 395 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:19,040 These are the sacrifices. 396 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:20,960 Morning, girls. 397 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,040 -Is that your teacher? -Yeah. 398 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,760 Please don't embarrass me today, Dad. 399 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,280 I wouldn't dream of it. I'll be on my best behaviour, son. 400 00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:28,480 Okay. 401 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:32,000 Morning, Miss Lyndsey. 402 00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,440 No need to run, Robbie. There's plenty of spaces left. 403 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:36,800 Vincent Swan, Robbie's dad. 404 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:38,240 Oh, hi. Thanks for coming. 405 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,240 -Your wife wasn't sure you could make it. -Ah, wouldn't miss it for the world. 406 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,000 So, in my day, it was always the naughty boys 407 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:44,200 that sat at the back of the bus. 408 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,000 [laughs] Well, it still is. 409 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,160 Although, it's not only the boys that get up to no good. 410 00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:51,520 Certainly not in my experience. So, where would you like me, Miss Lyndsey? 411 00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:54,480 I think up front where I can keep my eye on you. 412 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,960 ♪♪ 413 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:00,200 [Miss Lyndsey] Girls. 414 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:17,200 Dad, I saved you a seat. 415 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,040 Dad! 416 00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:20,080 Dad? 417 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:22,720 Oh, no! I'm so-- 418 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,080 Quick, there's paper towels in the toilets, just out there. 419 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,360 -Oh, I should go with her, really. -Nah, she's all right. She's-- 420 00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:28,800 Just through the door. 421 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:30,200 [sighs] 422 00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:34,800 -Malteser? -Thanks. 423 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:41,960 Right, Robbie, you're gonna need to walk home on your own. 424 00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:43,920 What? I thought you were taking me. 425 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:45,560 I gotta get back to work, mate. 426 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,760 -Okay. -I'll see ya. 427 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:48,720 [Robbie] See ya. 428 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:54,440 Need a lift anywhere, miss? 429 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:57,200 Yeah, all right. 430 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:07,160 Can I let you into a secret? 431 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:08,960 I hate musicals. 432 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,520 And I hate kids, so we're a pair of martyrs. 433 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:14,600 ["Hungry Like the Wolf" playing] 434 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:15,640 Before you rush to judge, 435 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:18,520 I just sat through three hours of Andrew fucking Lloyd Webber. 436 00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:19,920 I deserve a treat. 437 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:25,520 ♪ Dark in the city, night is a wire ♪ 438 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:26,800 ♪ Steam in the subway... ♪ 439 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:30,200 [Vincent] Later that evening, Lavender was taking one for the team. 440 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:32,320 As abuses of power go, it was hardly Watergate, 441 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,120 but he was still terrified it might end with a deep throat. 442 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:37,480 We're not that dissimilar, really, are we, Martin? 443 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:40,000 I mean, we both get paid to go door-to-door, 444 00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,520 asking people if they'll hand over cash that they don't want to. 445 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:45,720 Not exactly. Our customers get a great product for their money. 446 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,720 Our precision-engineered doors and windows are... 447 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,840 Fucking hell. Sorry, I'm starting to sound just like Vince... Winston. 448 00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:55,200 Oh, yeah. Good old Winston Ston. 449 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:57,040 [Miss Barnes chuckles] 450 00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:59,960 Come on, we're outside of business hours now. 451 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:01,640 You don't have to keep the guard up. 452 00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:05,480 I mean, frankly it's weird enough that we're doing this anyway. 453 00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:06,960 This isn't that weird. 454 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:09,840 I'm not usually this impulsive. 455 00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:15,120 There was just something about you that made me throw caution to the wind. 456 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:16,480 Possibly the pretty face? 457 00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:19,040 -Possibly. -[Lavender chuckles] 458 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:20,320 Another drink? 459 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:22,600 No, thank you. 460 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:26,200 I think I'd better be going, actually. 461 00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:31,440 I've already crossed enough lines tonight to lose my job several times over. 462 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,920 Okay, I'll walk you to your car. 463 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,480 The thing is though, Martin, once you've crossed the line... 464 00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:49,440 ["Relax" playing] 465 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:51,040 Mmm... 466 00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:54,440 you might as well make damn sure it's worth it. 467 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:56,520 ♪ Relax, don't do it ♪ 468 00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:57,880 ♪ When you wanna go to it ♪ 469 00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:01,160 [Vincent] That was one thing, at least, the tax office and I could agree on. 470 00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:02,720 ♪ When you wanna come ♪ 471 00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:05,000 ♪ Relax, don't do it ♪ 472 00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:06,800 ♪ When you wanna suck it, do it ♪ 473 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:09,280 ♪ Relax, don't do it ♪ 474 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:11,560 ♪ When you wanna come ♪ 475 00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:13,080 Ohh! 476 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:15,440 I'm gonna need you 477 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:18,520 to put your fingers inside me. 478 00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,560 -What, here? -Well, obviously here. 479 00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:24,240 I mean, it's quite public. 480 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,680 Oh. Just do it. 481 00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:27,760 Ohh! 482 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:31,320 Now... 483 00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:36,960 Martin, tell me your National Insurance number. 484 00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:41,160 -What? -Your National Insurance number. 485 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:43,120 Give it to me. 486 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:44,800 And keep on doing that. 487 00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:47,560 -Ahhhh. -Um, it's... 488 00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:48,680 NCW... 489 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:50,520 -Oh! -21... 490 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:52,360 -55... -Oh! 491 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:54,520 -...764. -Mmm! 492 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:58,480 -I think. -Now, slowly... 493 00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:01,440 your tax code. 494 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:03,200 Sing it out. 495 00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:05,720 It's 57... 496 00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:08,960 -Mmm. -73... 497 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:11,040 M1. 498 00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:14,080 Ohh, yeah. Emergency tax code. 499 00:24:14,160 --> 00:24:16,800 Ooh... Yeah, I'm almost there. 500 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,480 Taxable income... 501 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:23,840 for the last tax year. 502 00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:27,160 -Seven thousand... -Ohh! 503 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:29,520 eight hundred big ones. 504 00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:33,040 Ohhh! Oh, Martin! 505 00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:37,280 [Miss Barnes squeals] 506 00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:42,160 [sighing] 507 00:24:48,440 --> 00:24:50,520 That is fucked up. So, she didn't want to screw you? 508 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:53,080 Nope. After that, she said "good night", 509 00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:55,600 shook my hand, and told me she wouldn't be around anymore. 510 00:24:56,320 --> 00:25:00,080 She did leave this fucking great bite mark on my shoulder as a memento, though. 511 00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:00,960 Ouch. 512 00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:03,120 -Might need a rabies shot that, mate. -Don't push your luck, mate. 513 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,240 I basically whored myself to clear the coast for you. 514 00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:06,960 You know I'd do the same for you, mate. 515 00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:11,120 -Here. A token of my appreciation. -Quite literally the wages of sin. 516 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:12,280 But I'll take it. Cheers. 517 00:25:12,360 --> 00:25:14,080 -How long, chef? -Five minutes. 518 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,200 -Where are the kids? -Inside, watching ET. 519 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:17,080 [Natalie] Mum! 520 00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:19,800 Mum! Tits! 521 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:22,360 -[Donna] Like this? -[man] Yeah, yeah, hold it like that. 522 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:24,000 -[man] Can you squeeze them together? -[Sam] Right. 523 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:27,040 Turn this off! Kids, go upstairs. Go on! I want a word with your father. 524 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:28,280 [Donna] Can I shift my leg, now? 525 00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:29,520 -I've got pins and needles. -[man] No, no, no. 526 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:31,120 Will you turn this fucking thing off? 527 00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:32,840 [man] Oh, look at that. 528 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:36,880 I seriously had no idea how Donna's twin peaks ended up in Spielberg's second act, 529 00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:38,880 but I was pretty fucking certain who was to blame. 530 00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:41,760 I can explain. 531 00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:44,480 Right, you're gonna get out there and recall every fucking copy I've sold 532 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:47,320 before someone else's kids discover ET stands for "Extra Titties". 533 00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:49,120 Straight away. I'll take care of it. 534 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,760 Shit. Boys, you'd better look at this. 535 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:57,040 However, someone in the West Essex area has been selling pirated copies 536 00:25:57,120 --> 00:26:00,320 on poorly branded VHS tapes like these. 537 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:01,800 You've got to be fucking kidding me. 538 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:05,880 ...are offering a £1,000 reward for information leading to an arrest. 539 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:10,120 Now these pirate recordings do not only feature the loveable alien. 540 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:12,480 There's also a rather bizarre intermission 541 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:15,160 featuring a conventionally pretty young lady. 542 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:16,960 Maybe you know the young lady involved, 543 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:20,680 or maybe you recognise the room where she's modelling. 544 00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:22,840 -Holy Mother of God. -If anyone has any information... 545 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:24,760 [telephone rings] 546 00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:27,880 [Sam] Hello. Stanford 4163. 547 00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:31,680 Um, sorry, he's out, Walshy. 548 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,320 You'll have to calm down, darling. I can't understand a word you're saying. 549 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:35,800 [Vincent] Walshy was on the warpath. 550 00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:39,200 He'd seen Police Five and was threatening to sack us all first thing Monday. 551 00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:42,960 So, not only did I have to torch the entire fucking pirate ET stock, 552 00:26:43,040 --> 00:26:44,560 I had to call Ronnie Farrell and explain 553 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:46,960 why he had to collect his equipment immediately. 554 00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:50,200 He took it reasonably well, for a dangerous sociopath. 555 00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:54,520 Two hundred I've already paid you, plus a hundred for the inconvenience. 556 00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:55,840 Fair enough. 557 00:26:55,920 --> 00:27:01,800 And finally there's a hire fee for using my equipment without my permission. 558 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:03,240 Sorry, what's that? 559 00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:05,920 Another two hundred. 560 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:07,200 [Vincent] But somehow, 561 00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:09,320 come Monday morning, we still had our jobs. 562 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:14,520 -Right, what the fuck has been going on? -[Vincent] What are you going on about? 563 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:18,120 What? I saw Police fucking Five. 564 00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:20,440 Have you been out in the sun a bit too much this weekend, Tony? 565 00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:22,000 [Carol] Tony, your wife called. 566 00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:24,040 I told her you were busy hunting for topless models, 567 00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:25,960 but she said call her back immediately. 568 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:28,080 Looks like someone should "phone home". 569 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:29,840 I'll take it downstairs. 570 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:32,360 I know you pricks have been up to something. 571 00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:34,440 Oh, and this came for you, Martin. 572 00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:40,760 Oh, the conniving little shit! 573 00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:42,560 She must've done a background check on me. 574 00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:43,440 What's happened? 575 00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:46,520 It's a demand from the tax office for unpaid national insurance. 576 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:48,440 Two hundred and thirty quid! 577 00:27:48,520 --> 00:27:49,920 Ha, that'll teach ya. 578 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,280 There's always hidden costs when you finger-bang old grannies over the bins. 579 00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:54,320 [chuckles] 580 00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:55,760 Really, you should be paying this, Vincent. 581 00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:56,640 Oh, I would, mate, 582 00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:59,000 but I told you, I'm a conscientious objector when it comes to tax. 583 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:01,200 [Brendan] Where's that weasely wee cunt? 584 00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:03,680 Is that Fitzpatrick you're after, Brendan? 585 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,120 -[Brendan] Eh? -Listen, I will pay your tax bill. 586 00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:07,880 Okay? Just don't tell him I'm up here. 587 00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:10,400 I'll pay it myself, mate. This'll be a lot more fun. 588 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:11,720 He's up here, Brendan. 589 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:15,360 Nobody makes money out of my daughter's tits except me. 590 00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:17,840 Come here. I'll kill you, you thieving bastard! 591 00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:19,840 ["Sign of the Times" playing] [Fitzpatrick yelps] 592 00:28:19,920 --> 00:28:21,520 ♪ As I lie here ♪ 593 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:23,120 ♪ Thinking of you ♪ 594 00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:25,200 ♪ I realize ♪ 595 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:27,280 ♪ That nothing is new ♪ 596 00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:29,920 ♪ Lying in my bed ♪ 597 00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:32,440 ♪ Thinking of you ♪ 598 00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:34,240 ♪ I realize ♪ 599 00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:36,280 ♪ Nothing is new ♪ 600 00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:38,400 ♪ You say you love me ♪ 601 00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:40,560 ♪ But want success ♪ 602 00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:42,520 ♪ I say you're lying ♪ 603 00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:45,040 ♪ Nothing has changed ♪ 604 00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:46,880 ♪ This is the sign of the times ♪ 605 00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:48,920 ♪ Piece of more to come... ♪