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This programme contains
some strong language

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As difficult as this time is,

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it's 0nly by complying with the
guidelines -

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combing, shamp00ing,

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00:00:13,590 --> 00:00:15,125
combing again,

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that we can reduce the chance
of these nits spreading.

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I'm now going to hand you over to
0ur expert from the Lice P0- Lice,

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Laura Tumley.
Thank you, Janet,

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and I am pleased to say that there
is some indication

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that nit curve is starting to
plateau.

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Can we go to the next slide, please?

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As you can see, this is 0ur bor0ugh
here. We're doing really...

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I tve actually never had nits.
Oh, my God, if I was a nit,

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I 'd be all over your head like an
all-you-can-eat buffet.

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...going to hand out some
leaflets in a second about that.

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Thank you, Laura.

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We can take some questions.

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Er, yes, Darius' mum?

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What's the sch00l doing to
protect against the spread?

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If we find a live case,
the child's table will be isolated.

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They're sent home until
they've all been treated.

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Next question, please.

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Don't be a dick.

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We want to go home.

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Yep, here.
It's about the grannies, real*.

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Um, I have my mother living with me,
albeit temporari*,

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I 'd like to stress that.
Do I have to do her as wel*

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Yeah. Er, grandparent hair is
thinner, and basically dead,

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s0 they're less at risk, but we do
still advise keeping your distance.

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So you're recommending,
according to the science,

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that I should ask my mother
to move out?

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Er...

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Erm...

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That's all we have time for.

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Laura does 0ffer a nit blitz
shamp00ing service

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if you're interested.

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Thank you. Yes, I have some leaflets
here. Cheers.

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Jeez! *30O for a shamp00 party?

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Wh0's doing it? Vidal Sass00n?

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Jesus Christ,
just a couple of pidd* nits.

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They're not even life-threatening.
You can't die of nits.

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You can die from nits, actually.

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There was an 0ld woman in Kildare,
and she scratched her head

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s0 hard she made a hole in her
skul* and some dirt got in it,

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and it killed her.
That's a harrowing limerick, Anne.

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I like telling Lee
he's got to get treated,

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even when the kids haven't got lice.

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I tell him he's got to leave it on
for a week and sleep upright,

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and he totally does. Dickhead.

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J ill's always lice-free.

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I think it's her scent.

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She does eat a lot of turmeric.

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Or maybe it's because she's never in
the same r00m as you and the kids.

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No, that's not entirely...

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No, actually, you're right.
She comes in from work,

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and she's straight up that
loft ladder like a chinchilla.

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She loves that loft.
It's basically...

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What's the female equivalent
of a man cave?

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Panic r00m?

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Hey, you know you could use this,
Kev, to get close to J ill again.

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Tell her she's got nits.
You know, wash her hair.

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Could be intimate, like Ghost.

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Oh, it's a lovely idea, Liz, but J ill
can't abide having her head touched.

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Anything above the Adam's apple
is a n0-go zone.

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Yo, y0. All right, mateys?

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Hey, nice hair, Gordon Geck0.

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I was thinking more Sharon Stone,
thanks.

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You're l00king very smart,
Elizabeth.

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Yeah, I had a job interview in town.

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Shoe shop.
Ooh, you're getting a job?

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Kids are at sch00l now,
and I'm just sat at home, s0...

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You're having a glow up.
You what?

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Oh, my God. Holly Willoughby was
chatting about this on This Morning.

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Basically, you have three
glow ups in your life.

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It's like a life upgrade.

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Yeah, yeah,
I suppose I am having a glow job.

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I'm going to have a massive
glow spurt when my mum moves out.

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I mean, I love her and everything,
she's my mum,

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but I can't wait for her
to eff off back to her own place.

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Oh, she's s0 brave, your mum.

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Oh, g00dness, she's not brave,
Kevin. No, she's got a little

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heart thing which means
she fal* over wil* nil*.

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I mean, that's not bravery,
that's just a hea*h condition.

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I mean, if anyone's brave,
I'm brave.

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I'm the brave one, I've let her
use my bedroom and my en-suite.

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I'm having to slum it
in the fami* bathroom

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with my disgusting children.

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Uh-0h. Here comes Evil Elsa
and her pet snowman.

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Hello!
Uh- huh.

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Whatts going on here?

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Hmm?
With the... With the n0...

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Like, er...
Yes. Oh, no,

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I, erm, I treated us last ha*-term.
Full Monty.

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Kids, the toys, the pillows, Paul.

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Right, cos you cantt just do it
six weeks ag0

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and hope for the best, J ulia.

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I hate to agree with Amanda,
but that's like saying

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" I t00k the pill 0nce,
how can I possibly be pregnant?"

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Wow, g00dness, these nits,
real* not my priority.

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I'm, you know, I'm busy working,
caring for the children,

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attending to my mother's
sick* needs.

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You should all thank your
lucky stars I've treated us at all.

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Oh, God,
Bill doesntt l00k his normal se*.

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What do you think it is?
Do you reckon he's ill?

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What's that? Wh0's il*
Bill.

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Do you think Bill's il* Kev?

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We should ask your J il*
see if she thinks Bill's ill.

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I don't think J ill's met Bill.

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Hello, mate.
All right, creeps?

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And Kevin.

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Oh, I see you've all been
showering in Castrol GTX.

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Someone hasn't.

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It's a bit Stasi round here,
isn't it?

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Bill all right, Meg?

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Yeah, why? We were just thinking
he l00ks a bit -

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please dontt take this the wrong
way - absolutely awful.

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Yeah, he's fine.

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He's just got his period.

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Oh, thank God.
That is some g00d news.

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Oh, are you all right, Anne?

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Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Anne!

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It's just the thought of Bill.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

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I'm just... Oh.
I'm crying all the time now.

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I cried at You've Been Framed
when a man fell over at a wedding.

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I don't know what's wrong with me.
Sounds like the baby blues.

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You need a bit of me time.

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Wel* not me time. You time.

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Anne time.

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Kevin, go away.
Yep.

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Daddy's here.

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Let me get you a biscuit
or something.

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Let me get you some biscuit and a...
Cake. A cake.

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Yeah.
Cake and a couple of biscuits.

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All right, Lee?
Nitty Nora time again.

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Oh, what? You'll have to treat
any 0ther p00r fuckers

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you're sleeping with and all.
Uh- huh.

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Don't get it on your hands,
or it'll burn through to the bone.

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Bl00dy hel* l00k,
I can't take another week off!

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Some people do have work, you know!

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Yeah, wel* I'm sure the
Leg0 factory will understand.

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Oi, Charlie said you had
some sort of interview.

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Oh, go on, say what you have to say.
No, no, no. Good for you,

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I hear the job market's crying
out for arsey greasy Northerners.

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Fuck 0ff, Lee.
What was the job, anyway? Chip shop?

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Go0dbye, prick.
Brylcreem factory? Lard farm?

146
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Here, listen, tell me if you get it
so I can adjust my child support.

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What, you mean start paying it?

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Er, I've b00ked J ill and I lunch
at that pop- up raclette place.

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It's like fondue,
but you can dip meat int0 it.

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Or eggs.

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Nothing says romance like hot cheese
dribbled on an egg.

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J ill still blue- balling you, then,
mate?

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J ulia!
No, gosh,

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if it's any consolation,
Paul and I have been celibate

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since Mother moved in. It turns out
listening to a pensioner cough

156
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through a stud wall
is a total turn-off.

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Wel* I think a relationship
can survive without intercourse.

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I ntimacy takes many forms.

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A kind word,
the brush of a fingertip,

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listening to Radi0 4 together
while I scrub the hob.

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My relationship with Sam
the shepherd

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is entirely based on intercourse.

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If you t00k out the intercourse,
it's just alcoh0l and a caravan.

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Ivy's mum.
Oh, shit.

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A word.

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Ivy's combed positive for nits,

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s0 I'm going to need you
to keep her 0ff sch00l.

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Non possible, I have to take
Mother to the hospital tomorrow.

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Same for Rosie and Charlie
and all of topaz table.

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Hold on, you can't do this.

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Sorry, what is this about Manus
being 0ff sch00l?

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I n line with sch00l nit policy,
your children will need to be

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kept 0ff until they've had
a full course of hair treatment.

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I did mine last night!
Smell my scalp.

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My whole house
stinks like a petrol pump.

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Yes, wel* you're all going to have
to treat your children again.

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Thanks a lot, J ulia.
Whoa, whoa!

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I was not necessari*
the super spreader.

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Patient zer0 could be your kid,
Anne's kid.

180
00:07:18,550 --> 00:07:20,065
No, n0, n0. It can't be Darius.

181
00:07:20,090 --> 00:07:22,346
We actually use nit shamp00
as everyday shamp00 now

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as a preventative measure.
I ...

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And as a body wash.

184
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And as a laundry liquid.
And I know itts not Manus,

185
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:29,805
cos I actually wash
my childrents hair, J ulia.

186
00:07:29,830 --> 00:07:33,005
Actual*, Amanda, it's a well- known
fact that nits thrive in clean hair.

187
00:07:33,030 --> 00:07:34,655
Yeah, well, itts well- known fact

188
00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:37,815
thatts actually a well- known myth,
J ulia. Yeah, well...

189
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:39,015
Yeah.

190
00:07:40,910 --> 00:07:44,725
Hey, guys! Can anyone take Ivy
tomorrow?

191
00:07:44,750 --> 00:07:46,525
It's 0n* nits.

192
00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:48,005
Kev!

193
00:07:48,030 --> 00:07:49,885
Don't. That's a dead giveaway, mate.

194
00:07:49,910 --> 00:07:51,705
Why?!

195
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,415
Let's go.

196
00:07:59,910 --> 00:08:02,995
So you know I tm not one to pry, but
I was out last night doing my 5k,

197
00:08:03,020 --> 00:08:05,855
when I saw Bill crying
as he was putting the bins out.

198
00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:07,226
MUFFLED: Did you check he was OK?

199
00:08:07,251 --> 00:08:08,635
Youtre spraying, Anne.

200
00:08:08,660 --> 00:08:11,135
So I think there might be
some kind of trouble in paradise.

201
00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:14,245
Hm. I mean, it figures,
hets s0 much 0lder than her.

202
00:08:14,270 --> 00:08:16,845
Meg has some strong sexual energy.

203
00:08:16,870 --> 00:08:20,535
Hm. put it this way,
I wouldntt blame her for eating out

204
00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:22,775
if what shets got
is s0 close to its sell- by date.

205
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:25,455
Really putting a dent in those
digestives, Anne.

206
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:28,096
Hm.
Are you eating your feelings?

207
00:08:28,121 --> 00:08:31,165
Anne, if youtre depressed,
there is n0 shame in it.

208
00:08:31,190 --> 00:08:34,575
No, I'm not depressed. Itts actually
almost c00l to be mental now.

209
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:37,895
Show me a celeb that isntt on
some kind of selective serot0nin

210
00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:40,216
reuptake inhibitors!
No, I'm not depressed.

211
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,336
I'm actually pregnant.

212
00:08:43,361 --> 00:08:44,625
What?
Mm.

213
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:47,865
Anne, are you kidding?
Mm- mm.

214
00:08:47,890 --> 00:08:49,805
Youtre pregnant?
Mm- hm.

215
00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:51,725
But youtve just had one.
Mm- hm.

216
00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:55,255
Oh, my God.

217
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,055
Who does that?
Mm.

218
00:08:58,241 --> 00:08:59,885
But, l00k, please don't tell a soul.
No.

219
00:08:59,910 --> 00:09:02,455
Because I haven't even told Mammy
yet, s0... No, n0, n0, n0, n0.

220
00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:03,985
You know me, last word in discresh.

221
00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:05,575
Who would I even tell?

222
00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:09,425
No, Gina,
that's not a problem.

223
00:09:09,450 --> 00:09:11,495
Erm, I'm sure I can get it to you.

224
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:14,985
Can we go to the park now?
Erm, yep.

225
00:09:15,010 --> 00:09:19,775
Er, I'll do that now and, and send
it over, er, in a PDF at lunch, OK?

226
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:22,995
Oh, n0, but you're supposed to be
helping me pack.

227
00:09:23,020 --> 00:09:24,805
OK, thank you, Gina. Bye.

228
00:09:26,010 --> 00:09:27,415
I need a lie-down.

229
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,976
How can a quick trip
to the hospital tire me out?

230
00:09:31,001 --> 00:09:33,425
Should've asked your consu*ant
about my head lice.

231
00:09:33,450 --> 00:09:35,135
She was a neurol0gist, J ulia.

232
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:38,065
Wel* it's all heads, isn't it?
Same, same.

233
00:09:38,090 --> 00:09:40,096
Could you watch Ivy for me?

234
00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:42,015
No, n0.

235
00:09:43,730 --> 00:09:45,585
OK, park it is then, love.

236
00:09:47,810 --> 00:09:49,346
Manus!

237
00:09:49,371 --> 00:09:50,705
Gina, hi.

238
00:09:52,280 --> 00:09:55,585
You didn't get it? Gosh, that's
weird, I absolute* did send it.

239
00:09:55,610 --> 00:10:00,815
Erm, just, erm,
give me your email again.

240
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:04,385
I'm just, erm, typing it in now.

241
00:10:04,410 --> 00:10:08,185
OK. That's going to be with you
by the end of play time today.

242
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:10,615
Yes, OK.

243
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:11,865
All right, Gina, bye now.

244
00:10:14,170 --> 00:10:15,705
Oh, my God.

245
00:10:15,730 --> 00:10:17,065
Yeah, s0 we're unclean.

246
00:10:17,090 --> 00:10:19,865
She's disgusting. Deal with it!

247
00:10:19,890 --> 00:10:21,855
Like an angry purple sleeping bag.

248
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,455
Yeah, wel* honest*, Liz,
it's ridiculous.

249
00:10:24,480 --> 00:10:25,895
I'm a stay-at- home dad,

250
00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:28,255
I'm used to being treated like
a turd in the swimming p00l.

251
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:30,785
I mean, come on. Grow up!

252
00:10:30,810 --> 00:10:34,535
Charlie and Max've been uninvited
from Manus' trampoline party.

253
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:38,015
My girls t00.
Oh, soz about that, guys.

254
00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:40,775
Your kids have been uninvited t00.

255
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,096
Eh? What? No.

256
00:10:43,121 --> 00:10:44,966
G... No, I real* need that
Saturday.

257
00:10:44,991 --> 00:10:46,575
I'm moving Mum out of my house!

258
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:47,815
Amanda!

259
00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:49,385
Distance, please.

260
00:10:49,410 --> 00:10:51,325
Hey, team topaz table.

261
00:10:51,350 --> 00:10:53,065
So we're all in it together.

262
00:10:53,090 --> 00:10:55,375
I tm only in it
because you put me in it, thank you.

263
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:59,135
You're welcome.
So, let's talk Manus' party.

264
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,935
Cancelled. I couldntt live with
myse* if I brought this infestation

265
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,065
to Trampoline Land.

266
00:11:03,090 --> 00:11:05,455
Most of the class pulled out
when they heard about the nits.

267
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:08,185
J ulia, youtve set off a chain
of catastrophic events,

268
00:11:08,210 --> 00:11:10,785
the repercussions of which
will ech0 down for years to come.

269
00:11:10,810 --> 00:11:14,025
Eh?! Like what?
Well, like, when someone asks Manus,

270
00:11:14,050 --> 00:11:16,096
ttWhat did you do for your 11th
birthday?tt, he will

271
00:11:16,121 --> 00:11:19,145
have to say, tt Nothing,tt because
somebodyts mummy dropped the ball.

272
00:11:19,170 --> 00:11:21,895
And what human remembers what
they did for their "th birthday?

273
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,025
What did you do
on your 11th birthday?

274
00:11:24,050 --> 00:11:26,305
I was working down the mine,
like every 0ther year.

275
00:11:26,330 --> 00:11:28,096
I went go- karting in a tractor.

276
00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:31,785
Think of the kids, the kiddies,
their sad faces.

277
00:11:31,810 --> 00:11:34,335
You shouldtve thought about them,
J ulia, before you allowed

278
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,585
this tragedy to unfurl.
Anne, come on, letts go.

279
00:11:36,610 --> 00:11:38,655
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa. Yes. Whoa.

280
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:40,305
Whoa, whoa.
Back up with your nits.

281
00:11:40,330 --> 00:11:44,325
Yes. Let's not let 0ur emotions
get in the way of practicalities,

282
00:11:44,350 --> 00:11:47,305
because, real*,
we should all be sticking together.

283
00:11:47,330 --> 00:11:50,096
I know, I can b00k, erm,

284
00:11:50,121 --> 00:11:52,895
I can b00k a nit blitz party.

285
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,785
Yeah? Today, tom0rrow?

286
00:11:54,810 --> 00:11:56,045
Nah.
Tomorrow.

287
00:11:56,070 --> 00:11:59,425
You can get all the infected
children and infected, erm, parents.

288
00:11:59,450 --> 00:12:01,976
We'll hire the, er, P0- Lice lady
and we'll just, you know,

289
00:12:02,001 --> 00:12:03,535
smash the shit out of these nits.

290
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:06,745
Be lots of g00d fun.
At yours, Kevin?

291
00:12:06,770 --> 00:12:08,015
J ill'd go nuts.

292
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:09,535
Don't even think about it.

293
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:11,945
C00* yeah, I'm c00l to host,
so that's good.

294
00:12:11,970 --> 00:12:14,055
Are you in?
I tll think about it, J ulia.

295
00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:15,615
All-you-can-eat crisps, Anne?

296
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,695
That does sound like fun, actually.

297
00:12:20,850 --> 00:12:23,175
Yeah, s0 it's your basic
one-way system,

298
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,785
we come through the hall int0 the
kitchen for your de-lousing,

299
00:12:25,810 --> 00:12:28,345
and then we move on through
into the sitting room

300
00:12:28,370 --> 00:12:30,865
for your drink and nibble reward.

301
00:12:30,890 --> 00:12:33,226
It's like Ryanair,
but with b00ze and snacks,

302
00:12:33,251 --> 00:12:34,615
and somewhere to sit.

303
00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:37,815
Yeah, one or tw0 hours tops,
and then we're back on track,

304
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,015
back to sch00* Manus party on.

305
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:44,055
So, tell me, Laura, how does one
get int0 the nit business?

306
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:46,815
Well, I used to work in an
STD clinic, actually.

307
00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:49,905
Oh, right, s0 you started with crabs
and worked your way up?

308
00:12:49,930 --> 00:12:51,585
Right, teas and coffees.
Let's get on.

309
00:12:51,610 --> 00:12:53,335
Teabags. Teabags, t...

310
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:54,955
Mother, where are the teabags?

311
00:12:54,980 --> 00:12:58,175
Wel* in my house, I keep them
in the cupboard above the kettle,

312
00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,585
where they should be.

313
00:13:00,770 --> 00:13:04,106
OK, so, shall we do you first,
my love?

314
00:13:04,131 --> 00:13:05,535
Get you out of the way?

315
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:07,815
Oh, yeah. Get me out of the way.

316
00:13:09,530 --> 00:13:12,226
Can I just check, are you allergic
to kerosene, my love?

317
00:13:12,251 --> 00:13:13,665
No.

318
00:13:13,690 --> 00:13:16,145
And even if I was,
I couldn't care less.

319
00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:18,775
Kev, is it J ill?

320
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:23,145
Can you just keep your head still,
my love? Oh, sorry.

321
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:28,055
Yeah, I popped up the loft to
suggest we share a sensual bath

322
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:32,096
and nit shamp00, and she said she
didn't want a bath or nit shamp00,

323
00:13:32,121 --> 00:13:34,106
she wanted a divorce.

324
00:13:34,131 --> 00:13:35,695
What? Shit.

325
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:37,585
Oh, Kevin! Why?

326
00:13:37,610 --> 00:13:40,455
You name it.
My night breathing, mainly.

327
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,775
And the way I chew
and the way I laugh

328
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:45,505
and the way I dry my legs
after I've had a bath.

329
00:13:45,530 --> 00:13:47,535
It turns out J ill just doesn't
like me, full stop.

330
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:48,775
She's a dick.

331
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:51,305
Kevin, you are one of the best guys
I know.

332
00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:54,145
"Till death do us part" my arsehole.

333
00:13:54,170 --> 00:13:56,976
Divorce, seriously!
I don't want to be a divorcee.

334
00:13:57,001 --> 00:13:58,665
J ill was s0 cold about it.

335
00:13:58,690 --> 00:14:00,065
Listen, Kev...

336
00:14:00,090 --> 00:14:03,415
Oh, I tell Paul I want a divorce
every birthday and Christmas.

337
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:05,595
He just tel* me
to shut my cake hole.

338
00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:10,236
So what you're saying is
I should go back there

339
00:14:10,261 --> 00:14:11,675
and fight for her?

340
00:14:11,700 --> 00:14:15,116
Erm...yes, OK, yeah.

341
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,055
Yes, yes.

342
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,106
Yes, I'm going to do that,
I'm going to do that.

343
00:14:20,131 --> 00:14:23,255
I'm going to go back up that loft
and tell her how much I love her.

344
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:25,265
Maybe wipe that liquid shit
0ff your head first.

345
00:14:25,290 --> 00:14:27,025
Itts got to stay on
an hour and a ha*.

346
00:14:27,050 --> 00:14:29,025
I'll be back by five
to get the girls.

347
00:14:29,050 --> 00:14:30,775
Ooh, er, I wouldntt wear that.

348
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,055
That stuff eats through polystyrene.

349
00:14:35,530 --> 00:14:38,025
Thanks, love. Next mum, please.

350
00:14:38,050 --> 00:14:41,385
Coming through. Hey, mate,
who put the fun in infestation?

351
00:14:41,410 --> 00:14:45,015
I'll have that. Aw, you l00k like
a shiny little conker. Brilliant.

352
00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:48,135
Oh, excuse me, you are not
adhering to the one way system.

353
00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,465
Back, go back, back, back,
back, back.

354
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:53,495
Go0dness. I didn't hear anything
about that stupid shoe shop job.

355
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,264
That doesn't mean you
haven't got it, love.

356
00:14:55,289 --> 00:14:57,654
It was probably the hair.
It did l00k a bit Trainspotting.

357
00:14:57,679 --> 00:14:59,704
Hey, mate, if they can't handle you
at your worst,

358
00:14:59,729 --> 00:15:01,424
then they don't deserve you
at your best.

359
00:15:01,449 --> 00:15:03,554
Not sure that rule applies
to job interviews.

360
00:15:03,579 --> 00:15:05,624
DOORBELL Rl NGS
Oh!

361
00:15:05,649 --> 00:15:07,065
Mother.

362
00:15:12,359 --> 00:15:14,294
Coming!

363
00:15:14,319 --> 00:15:15,994
Anne, Amanda, hi!

364
00:15:16,019 --> 00:15:18,984
Let me just, er, sorry, one sec.

365
00:15:19,009 --> 00:15:21,424
Right, OK, let's get you in.

366
00:15:21,449 --> 00:15:24,664
Guys, wetre not here to party,
wetre here to get treated

367
00:15:24,689 --> 00:15:27,584
and get the hell out, OK? Wham, bam,
thank you the lady from that van.

368
00:15:27,609 --> 00:15:29,174
Anne, would you like a drink,
my love*?

369
00:15:29,199 --> 00:15:30,815
Oh, n0, thank you, n0.

370
00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:32,184
Annets pregnant.

371
00:15:32,209 --> 00:15:33,864
Eh?
Dontt tell a soul.

372
00:15:34,970 --> 00:15:36,264
Oh, look who it is.

373
00:15:36,289 --> 00:15:37,774
Wow! That's committed.

374
00:15:37,799 --> 00:15:39,174
Hey, Meg.

375
00:15:39,199 --> 00:15:43,384
Bill. Hey. Wow, look at you.

376
00:15:43,409 --> 00:15:46,294
Loving the grade one, oh, so cool.

377
00:15:46,319 --> 00:15:50,554
I would totally shave my head,
but loads of people love my hair,

378
00:15:50,579 --> 00:15:53,414
so, you know,
wouldntt want to do that to them.

379
00:15:56,119 --> 00:15:57,734
Bill, how are you?
Hm.

380
00:15:57,759 --> 00:15:59,654
Haventt seen you for ages.

381
00:15:59,679 --> 00:16:03,914
Amanda, re Manus' party, shall we
focus in on Saturday? Er...

382
00:16:03,939 --> 00:16:05,815
Can I just get some more towels,
my love?

383
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,544
Er, just in a minute,

384
00:16:07,569 --> 00:16:09,664
I'm just in the middle
of something right now.

385
00:16:09,689 --> 00:16:12,094
Oh, look who it is. Marion!
So brave.

386
00:16:12,119 --> 00:16:14,264
So brave, Marion.
So brave. So, s0 brave.

387
00:16:14,289 --> 00:16:15,784
Not brave, not brave.

388
00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:18,704
No, the real her0's J ulia, you know,
taking me in

389
00:16:18,729 --> 00:16:20,454
and nursing me back to health.

390
00:16:20,479 --> 00:16:24,504
But I'm moving back home
this weekend.

391
00:16:24,529 --> 00:16:28,704
Ah. Yeah, Saturday.
The removal van is booked.

392
00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:31,504
So...

393
00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:35,304
Assuming we're al* erm,
clean and clear on the old, erm,

394
00:16:35,329 --> 00:16:37,065
Manus party on?

395
00:16:37,090 --> 00:16:41,224
Well, I guess if wetre ALL
getting treated then...

396
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:45,014
...yeah, it can go ahead.

397
00:16:45,039 --> 00:16:47,904
Thattll be nice.
Oh, great, thatts g00d news.

398
00:16:47,929 --> 00:16:49,154
Yes. Phew!

399
00:16:49,179 --> 00:16:50,744
Yeah. Towe*.

400
00:16:50,769 --> 00:16:52,384
PHONE Rl NGS

401
00:16:52,409 --> 00:16:53,794
Hello?

402
00:16:53,819 --> 00:16:55,704
Yes, this is Mrs Paterson's
daughter.

403
00:16:56,809 --> 00:16:58,864
Hello, doctor!

404
00:16:58,889 --> 00:17:03,945
Yes, erm, she's, er, absolute*,
erm, raring to go,

405
00:17:03,970 --> 00:17:06,144
all packed up ready to go home
at the weekend,

406
00:17:06,169 --> 00:17:08,304
s0 that's fabby dabby d00.

407
00:17:12,119 --> 00:17:13,664
Sorry, what? What?

408
00:17:15,889 --> 00:17:18,104
Sorry, when you say...

409
00:17:18,129 --> 00:17:20,464
When you say she can't live
independent*,

410
00:17:20,489 --> 00:17:24,374
do you mean we need to find a
husband or get her a pet or, <i>erm...?</i>

411
00:17:24,399 --> 00:17:27,174
I mean, I could definite* pop in
twice a week to make checks

412
00:17:27,199 --> 00:17:29,024
or we can install a panic button,
so that's...

413
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:30,454
Whoa!

414
00:17:30,479 --> 00:17:33,734
Shall we just, erm, shall
we just mull over for a moment?

415
00:17:33,759 --> 00:17:36,945
We don't want to make
any hasty decisions.

416
00:17:39,729 --> 00:17:43,815
OK, s0 that's, erm,
that's conclusive, is it?

417
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:47,254
Yes, OK. Thank you, doctor.

418
00:17:47,279 --> 00:17:48,815
Yes, bye now.

419
00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:52,065
SHE SCREAMS

420
00:18:01,689 --> 00:18:03,104
SHE SCREAMS

421
00:18:03,129 --> 00:18:06,065
Bill!

422
00:18:06,090 --> 00:18:09,144
Sorry, Bil* I didn't...
I didn't know you were in here.

423
00:18:09,169 --> 00:18:12,254
I just found out that I'm stuck
with my mother and she's going to

424
00:18:12,279 --> 00:18:14,864
have my bedr00m
and my en-suite forever.

425
00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:20,065
SHE WAl LS

426
00:18:27,889 --> 00:18:29,174
Hi, Bill.

427
00:18:30,679 --> 00:18:31,984
Kev.

428
00:18:33,169 --> 00:18:35,434
You've got a Bailey's moustache.

429
00:18:35,459 --> 00:18:37,544
Wel* at least I hope it's Bailey's.

430
00:18:41,769 --> 00:18:44,094
Can you think of the worst thing
that could happen,

431
00:18:44,119 --> 00:18:45,584
and then double it?

432
00:18:48,539 --> 00:18:50,584
I can actually, Kevin. I, erm,

433
00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:54,534
God, I have had...
I've done something s0 bad.

434
00:18:56,929 --> 00:18:59,434
What?
You don't want to know.

435
00:19:00,479 --> 00:19:02,334
I'm s0 effed up.

436
00:19:02,359 --> 00:19:04,254
Oh, J ill. J ill.

437
00:19:05,449 --> 00:19:07,184
Don't touch me! I'm a pig.

438
00:19:11,049 --> 00:19:13,334
I know it was 0nly a part-time job,
but I really wanted it.

439
00:19:14,359 --> 00:19:16,874
Maybe it's going out to see Sam
on the farm.

440
00:19:16,899 --> 00:19:20,614
Just made me realise there's more
to life, you know, than nits

441
00:19:20,639 --> 00:19:23,624
and phonics and worrying how much
Netflix my kids watch.

442
00:19:23,649 --> 00:19:26,154
Is it 0fficial that you haven't
gotten it, babe?

443
00:19:26,179 --> 00:19:29,184
Maybe n0 news is just n0 news.
Nah, mate. No news is ghosting.

444
00:19:29,209 --> 00:19:30,504
I didn't get the job.

445
00:19:30,529 --> 00:19:33,234
Have you ever thought about Greggs,
Liz?

446
00:19:33,259 --> 00:19:36,744
Anne worked there. How long did you
work at Greggs, Anne?

447
00:19:36,769 --> 00:19:40,664
Oh, erm, n0, I never worked
at Greggs, n0.

448
00:19:40,689 --> 00:19:44,974
I was Head of Product Development
at GlaxoSmithKline worldwide.

449
00:19:44,999 --> 00:19:48,024
Oh. Why do I always think
you worked at Greggs?

450
00:19:48,049 --> 00:19:49,974
Are you sure?
Erm...

451
00:19:49,999 --> 00:19:51,864
I cantt picture you working in
an 0ffice, Anne.

452
00:19:51,889 --> 00:19:53,734
I see you handling cakes and puffs.

453
00:19:53,759 --> 00:19:57,384
Not that I tve been in a Greggs
before. Really not Greggs?

454
00:19:57,409 --> 00:20:01,794
Yeah, I've been there 0nce or twice,
but, erm, more as a customer, yeah.

455
00:20:01,819 --> 00:20:04,184
LAURA: OK, my dear.
Oh, that's me, I'm up. Excuse me.

456
00:20:04,209 --> 00:20:05,825
So weird.

457
00:20:05,850 --> 00:20:08,104
Hey, girl. How you doing?

458
00:20:09,279 --> 00:20:10,584
I'm fine, thanks.

459
00:20:10,609 --> 00:20:13,945
Yeah, I tm doing well, you know,
stronger, fitter, humbler.

460
00:20:15,009 --> 00:20:17,434
I mean, itts been a tough olt year
for me,

461
00:20:17,459 --> 00:20:20,384
with the D-O-V- I - R-C- E, but I have
grown a lot,

462
00:20:20,409 --> 00:20:23,874
and, word from the wise,

463
00:20:23,899 --> 00:20:28,664
you think you are not going to get
through this, but you totally are.

464
00:20:28,689 --> 00:20:30,464
Erm, sorry,
what are we talking about here?

465
00:20:30,489 --> 00:20:32,304
You and Bill.
Oh, right, yeah.

466
00:20:32,329 --> 00:20:35,544
Poor old Kevints going through it
as well. The nit lady told me.

467
00:20:36,850 --> 00:20:39,664
I dontt know, I guess itts the
life stage wetre all at.

468
00:20:39,689 --> 00:20:41,054
Also, Annets pregnant.

469
00:20:41,079 --> 00:20:43,314
Yeah, Anne told me
in strictest confidence.

470
00:20:43,339 --> 00:20:45,234
I tm only mentioning it
cos itts relevant

471
00:20:45,259 --> 00:20:47,184
and I know she loves you
as much as we all do, s0...

472
00:20:47,209 --> 00:20:49,825
Wow.
We are here for you.

473
00:20:49,850 --> 00:20:52,264
And obviously not a single peep
from these lips

474
00:20:52,289 --> 00:20:55,594
about your marriage woes, yeah.
Mumts the word.

475
00:20:55,619 --> 00:20:58,514
Hey, mum by nature,
mum by mouth.

476
00:21:01,850 --> 00:21:03,304
Oh.

477
00:21:06,459 --> 00:21:08,464
Amanda's just told me
that Anne's pregnant,

478
00:21:08,489 --> 00:21:10,695
and I shouldn't tell anyone.
Yeah, she told me that too.

479
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:13,064
Why didn't you tell me?
I just spoke to the consu*ant,

480
00:21:13,089 --> 00:21:15,544
and he said that Mother might
not ever be able to go home ever,

481
00:21:15,569 --> 00:21:17,794
ever, ever.
Oh. Where's she going to go?

482
00:21:17,819 --> 00:21:21,904
I don't know. Best Exotic
Marigold Hote* Kevin's loft?

483
00:21:24,279 --> 00:21:27,424
I'm having a panic attack.
Oh! Ah!

484
00:21:27,449 --> 00:21:30,224
You! You, can you adhere to
the zonal areas please?

485
00:21:30,249 --> 00:21:32,334
I n fact, if you've been treated,

486
00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:35,744
can you remain in the living r00m,
or better stil* can you just leave?

487
00:21:35,769 --> 00:21:37,794
Can you see those?

488
00:21:37,819 --> 00:21:39,384
Unbelievable.

489
00:21:39,409 --> 00:21:42,034
You've basically invited a load
of nits int0 your house, babe.

490
00:21:42,059 --> 00:21:43,825
Thank you, that's very helpfu* Meg.

491
00:21:43,850 --> 00:21:46,874
People are not adhering
to my zonal areas!

492
00:21:46,899 --> 00:21:49,104
Thanks, J ulia, I'm all done.

493
00:21:49,129 --> 00:21:51,984
Lovely party.
The crisps were delicious.

494
00:21:52,009 --> 00:21:54,594
Erm, I did get some nit stuff
in my mouth, though,

495
00:21:54,619 --> 00:21:57,184
but I managed to sluice
most of it out, I think.

496
00:21:57,209 --> 00:21:59,384
OK, c00* Anne.
Congratulations, by the way, Anne.

497
00:21:59,409 --> 00:22:02,154
Oh, yes, congratulations.
Yeah, congrats.

498
00:22:02,179 --> 00:22:03,835
How do you all know?

499
00:22:03,860 --> 00:22:07,544
Anne! If you want a lift home,
the window is closing.

500
00:22:07,569 --> 00:22:10,104
What?
Did you tell everyone?

501
00:22:10,129 --> 00:22:12,304
No! Tell what?

502
00:22:12,329 --> 00:22:13,945
My secret news.

503
00:22:13,970 --> 00:22:16,784
Oh, my God.
Anne, of course not.

504
00:22:17,899 --> 00:22:21,674
I mean, if it did come out,
it was, like, in a g00d way,

505
00:22:21,699 --> 00:22:25,784
like this is a party and I just want
to spread a g00d vibe.

506
00:22:25,809 --> 00:22:28,234
It's just I did actually ask you
not to say anything.

507
00:22:28,259 --> 00:22:32,344
Oh, come on, Anne.
Itts hardly royal baby level news.

508
00:22:32,369 --> 00:22:33,894
LAURA: Bye.
DOOR CLOSES

509
00:22:33,919 --> 00:22:37,164
Oh, my God. Is that Laura leaving?
Why is the nit lady leaving?

510
00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:39,034
Why didn't you all stop her?

511
00:22:39,059 --> 00:22:40,754
She's effed 0ff without
even doing me.

512
00:22:40,779 --> 00:22:43,184
I've gone to all this effort
for nothing. Oh, my God!

513
00:22:44,980 --> 00:22:46,774
Well, this says it all, doesntt it?

514
00:22:46,799 --> 00:22:50,224
J ulia,
have you seen my walking frame?

515
00:22:50,249 --> 00:22:51,594
Not now, Mother.
Oh.

516
00:22:51,619 --> 00:22:52,754
Says it al* Amanda, what?

517
00:22:52,779 --> 00:22:56,114
It says, J ulia, this is how your
kids end up spreading things around.

518
00:22:56,139 --> 00:22:59,774
I tell you wh0's a fucking
super spreader, Amanda, your mouth.

519
00:22:59,799 --> 00:23:02,034
You watch YOU R mouth, Liz!

520
00:23:02,059 --> 00:23:05,914
Come on, Anne, letts get
out of this absolute nit show.

521
00:23:05,939 --> 00:23:09,544
Go, go, go, go on, go on,
go without even helping me tidy up.

522
00:23:09,569 --> 00:23:11,984
I've been tying myse* in knots
over this.

523
00:23:12,009 --> 00:23:14,314
You know, what happened to
all for one and one for al*

524
00:23:14,339 --> 00:23:17,134
OK, I made a teeny weeny weeny
tiny error of judgment which

525
00:23:17,159 --> 00:23:20,144
I have been bending over backwards
to try and fix, but no,

526
00:23:20,169 --> 00:23:22,424
I just get a shitload of shit.

527
00:23:22,449 --> 00:23:24,904
One tiny error of judgment, J ulia?

528
00:23:24,929 --> 00:23:27,695
Yeah, it could have been any of us.
But, really, could it?

529
00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:30,744
I think the problem here is
itts one rule for you...

530
00:23:30,769 --> 00:23:33,144
Fuck's sake, Amanda!
Beg your pardon, Bill.

531
00:23:33,169 --> 00:23:34,705
All of you, shut up.

532
00:23:34,730 --> 00:23:36,544
Shut up!

533
00:23:36,569 --> 00:23:38,394
Not you, Anne.

534
00:23:38,419 --> 00:23:42,144
I wish I had 0nly had to worry about
sharing my en-suite with my mother,

535
00:23:42,169 --> 00:23:45,864
or having nits, or whether people
are adhering

536
00:23:45,889 --> 00:23:50,394
to a fucking one-way system
that seriously does not matter.

537
00:23:50,419 --> 00:23:52,314
OK, baby, let's go home now.
No, I g...

538
00:23:52,339 --> 00:23:53,354
N...
Yes.

539
00:23:53,379 --> 00:23:56,994
I just... I can't hack it.
I just can't, I can't, I'm sorry.

540
00:23:57,019 --> 00:23:59,104
I know. I ... I know, I know.

541
00:23:59,129 --> 00:24:02,504
Do you think, er,
it was something that I said, <i>or...?</i>

542
00:24:02,529 --> 00:24:04,024
I tll tell you later.

543
00:24:04,049 --> 00:24:05,394
Megts having an affair.

544
00:24:05,419 --> 00:24:07,424
Oh, for the love of god.
Oh, sorry, Meg, sorry.

545
00:24:07,449 --> 00:24:09,914
No, you were going to find out
s00ner or later,

546
00:24:09,939 --> 00:24:12,854
s0 you might as well hear
it from me. I've got cancer.

547
00:24:12,879 --> 00:24:14,674
What? Oh!

548
00:24:16,569 --> 00:24:18,994
Just a touch, in the b00b.

549
00:24:23,009 --> 00:24:24,384
Oh!

550
00:24:24,409 --> 00:24:26,674
I locked J ill in the loft!

551
00:24:26,699 --> 00:24:28,064
OK, not locked.

552
00:24:28,089 --> 00:24:31,314
She wouldn't see sense,
insisted 0ur marriage was over,

553
00:24:31,339 --> 00:24:32,784
s0 I t00k away the loft ladder.

554
00:24:32,809 --> 00:24:36,194
I just saw red. She's...
She's been up there all aftern00n,

555
00:24:36,219 --> 00:24:37,864
a prisoner in her 0wn home 0ffice.

556
00:24:37,889 --> 00:24:40,835
She's 0nly got tw0 San Pellegrin0
and a Babybel in the mini fridge.

557
00:24:40,860 --> 00:24:42,314
Kev, mate, not now.

558
00:24:42,339 --> 00:24:44,864
I called the police on myse*.
Kevin...

559
00:24:44,889 --> 00:24:47,955
They're sending an arresting
0fficer. Kevin... Or not.

560
00:24:47,980 --> 00:24:50,554
The line wasn't clear, it sounded
a bit like they were laughing.

561
00:24:50,579 --> 00:24:52,064
Kev!

562
00:24:53,209 --> 00:24:54,504
Meg's got cancer.

563
00:24:59,129 --> 00:25:01,304
Oh, my gosh, I'm...

564
00:25:01,329 --> 00:25:03,064
I'm s0 sorry.

565
00:25:03,089 --> 00:25:07,264
They caught it ear*, and, you know
I wanted to pre-empt the, erm...

566
00:25:07,289 --> 00:25:10,024
I knew I was going to lose it all
in chemo anyway,

567
00:25:10,049 --> 00:25:13,674
s0, you know, I didn't want to have
nits AND cancer, so...

568
00:25:15,339 --> 00:25:16,705
Meg.

569
00:25:16,730 --> 00:25:18,064
I knew something was wrong.

570
00:25:18,089 --> 00:25:20,624
I don't want any fuss or pity.

571
00:25:20,649 --> 00:25:23,184
Wel* that's bl00dy put everything
in perspective, hasn't it?

572
00:25:23,209 --> 00:25:24,624
Yeah, it real* does, Meg.

573
00:25:24,649 --> 00:25:27,754
Wh0 cares if I can't ever take
a piss in my en-suite ever again?

574
00:25:27,779 --> 00:25:30,264
I mean, who gives a shit
if we're all riddled with lice?

575
00:25:30,289 --> 00:25:31,864
PHONE Rl NGS
I do.

576
00:25:31,889 --> 00:25:33,544
Hello?

577
00:25:33,569 --> 00:25:34,784
Oh, really?

578
00:25:36,769 --> 00:25:39,474
Yeah, OK, all right.
Thanks for letting me know.

579
00:25:41,219 --> 00:25:42,504
All right. Bye.

580
00:25:45,159 --> 00:25:46,994
Got that job in that shoe shop.

581
00:25:47,019 --> 00:25:48,864
Oh, that's g00d, babe.
Nice one, babe.

582
00:25:48,889 --> 00:25:51,434
Yeah, the 17-year-0ld they hired
didn't turn up.

583
00:25:51,459 --> 00:25:54,224
Oh, n0. Oh. Well done, honey.

584
00:25:54,249 --> 00:25:55,585
No, I'm not taking it.

585
00:25:55,610 --> 00:25:56,835
No.

586
00:25:56,860 --> 00:25:58,864
Not being their sloppy seconds.

587
00:25:58,889 --> 00:26:00,494
KEVl N: G00d for you, Liz.

588
00:26:04,939 --> 00:26:07,424
You know, I think this is the
longest you've let me touch you

589
00:26:07,449 --> 00:26:08,984
since you were nine.

590
00:26:11,870 --> 00:26:15,314
So I spoke to the consu*ant
about you moving home... Yeah.

591
00:26:15,339 --> 00:26:16,825
Amanda told me.

592
00:26:16,850 --> 00:26:18,864
She heard you screaming
in the bathr00m.

593
00:26:20,379 --> 00:26:21,784
Right.
It's all right.

594
00:26:21,809 --> 00:26:24,324
I understand if you want to
l00k int0 putting me int0 a home.

595
00:26:24,349 --> 00:26:26,624
You're a massive, massive
pain in the hole, Mother,

596
00:26:26,649 --> 00:26:27,854
but I could never do that.

597
00:26:27,879 --> 00:26:29,634
Not yet, anyway.

598
00:26:29,659 --> 00:26:31,504
It's the smell that puts me 0ff.

599
00:26:31,529 --> 00:26:34,715
What smell? Oh, those care homes.
They smell like cabbage and death.

600
00:26:34,740 --> 00:26:36,845
Every time you c00k,
it smells of cabbage and death.

601
00:26:36,870 --> 00:26:40,144
Oh! There's another one.

602
00:26:40,169 --> 00:26:42,554
Did you get nits
when we were kids, then?

603
00:26:42,579 --> 00:26:46,064
No. It was the 1980s.
We all had perms.

604
00:26:46,089 --> 00:26:48,304
It was basically chemical warfare.

605
00:26:49,730 --> 00:26:52,744
Hmm, I might l00k int0
getting myse* a perm.

606
00:26:54,819 --> 00:26:56,474
This is nice, isn't it?

607
00:26:58,459 --> 00:26:59,864
No.