This programme contains strong language and adult humour
Honey, you could do a lot of spunking in here.
...six celebs hit the sunshine in search of love.
I mean, there's nothing better than a good kiss.
I dunno, a Nando's and a doomscroll are up there for me.
They had one goal - bag of beauty to bring back to Blighty.
I would like to date Fan again.
I would like to see you again, Clara.
But two were left flying solo -
Coleen and this absolute flanker.
I probably need something slightly different.
And on their return...
...a new celeb player joined the posse.
Why are you here at the agency?
Part of me is like, "Shall I add to my roster?"
You have a roster going. Everyone's got a roster.
Speak for yourself, mate.
And tonight...
I have intercourse through my backside the entire time.
PK gets a roasting from the PB.
At best is immaturity.
At worst it's misogyny.
And the PG goes all dizzy.
My head's spinning a bit. You OK?
I think I just need a bit of time to think.
As our celebs... Where am I shaving?
You're shaving the back. Right here?
Yeah. ...go...
Bring that James Haskell sexiness to the date.
Yeah, I got that, girls!
Should just go on a date with Tom, it'd be a lot easier.
...DATING! Do you want me to show you?
HE COUGHS Excuse me.
Sorry, it was a bit of crab.
Welcome to Celebs Go Dating,
a romantic sorting office for famous faces.
And speaking of post, Tom is absolutely itching
to show off his whopper of a package this morning.
Oh, gosh! Oh, what?
Well, we had a lot of mail today,
but the very top one is addressed to you, darling.
Hang on. Prezzies? Oh, my gosh. Well, you know.
Well, I mean, I actually don't know
what this is, so... As if you don't.
I can hear it vibrating from here.
Oh, bubble wrap! Goodness me, it's going to be something delicate.
Oh!
Oh, my goodness, you've got a qualification!
It's my dominatrix certificate.
Shouldn't it be leatherbound?
Oh, darling. Oh, darling!
Read it out, read it out, read it out! Hang on.
It says, "Certificate of Achievement.
"Dr Tara has completed the Dominatrix Archetypes workshop."
"Signed by Mistress Damiana."
Yeah, Mistress Damiana Chi, PhD.
What? Oh my goodness, she has a whole temple for dominatrix.
Yes, the Chi Temple.
So you're now a Dom? I am now a qualified Dom.
My careers advisor at school never mentioned that as an option.
Maybe this will be your temple. Oh, my... You're right!
Well, we have three very handsome
gentlemen who are about to enter your temple.
Stephen, James and PK.
You better get the spare gimp suits out of the loft, then, Tommy boy.
You know, I have not yet met PK.
I would love to be able to spend some time with him.
Well, you're going to have to wait, Paul...
...as the first submissive to get whipped
into shape is a corduroy-clad Pro Green.
Looking every inch the professor
as he arrives to debrief the agents on his latest date.
Hello, it's Stephen.
♪ I can't believe that she got away
♪ Think of all the love that would have made
♪ Jade, I really did mess it up
♪ I ruined my only chance with a Sugababe. ♪
Come in.
Hello. Oh, darling one!
How you doing? I'm swell. How are you?
Good, thank you.
Oh, do sit down. Thank you. Make yourself comfortable.
You know, I was reading the newspaper yesterday,
and you were my centrefold.
Oh. Old school!
Have you not heard of OnlyFans? A whole piece on your kitchen.
STEPHEN CHUCKLES Think I've spent more time
in that room than I probably have in any other.
Well, actually, you gave me some life tips because you said you
must always put your hob in the middle
so that you can have intercourse over your hob.
Ooh! Extractor fan on or off?
Oh, yeah. Otherwise, you end up with your back
to your guests while you're cooking. Yes.
And mine is against the wall. Oh.
And I have intercourse through my backside the entire time.
Now that's an episode of "Come Dine With Me" I will be watching.
PHONE RINGS Ooh.
Hello? Hey, T.
If you could send him up, please. All right. Bye, darling.
They are ready. Off I go.
Stephen got off to a slow start with us in the agency,
came alive in Tenerife.
And now I wonder where we are.
Yeah. He's a complex man.
He is. And I think what's good is that we have created
a safe space for him.
We've been able to create trust across the board.
And so now it's probably
the best time to push just a little bit. Mm-hm.
Yeah. I love pushing. THEY LAUGH
And pulling, according to the Dom Workshop examiner.
Hello! Hello there.
Stephen's Tenerife match Clara
made quite the splash on their water park date.
And despite some unusual chat from the Professor...
What have you learned from this experience so far?
That I might be asexual.
...they decided to take the plunge on another date.
Would you want to see me again? Yeah.
Sweet.
But with Clara shooting off on holiday,
the agents threw Stephen in at the deep end
and sent him on a date with newbie Fiona.
Do you know what I do? Funeral planning?
God, it's so hard not to make bad jokes.
I've been dying to ask you about your profession.
Classic, Professor.
But now Clara's back in the dating pool,
time to find out if Fiona's got legs.
With Fiona, I didn't leave and feel...
...energised.
It just felt different. I'm quite keen to learn,
and it's like discovering, you know, what's mutual?
What are our interests? What don't I know about that you know
that I can learn with you. Mhm.
There needs to be mutual curiosity. Yeah.
And then curiosity about other things, right?
Because you can't just... You're not going to spend your whole
relationship talking about yourselves. Like, boring!
I don't feel like there would have been another conversation.
It's a shame that there wasn't a tiny
bit of connection between Fiona and Stephen,
but the plus side is he can now focus
all of his energy on his next date with Clara.
So you are going to meet Clara for your second date.
Yes. So I'm quite looking forward to having
a second encounter with Clara,
because at least there's something
to build on from its not just from the beginning again.
Ah! It's just nice to be able to expand on
a conversation where there is already some context.
I think that's Stephen's way of saying he's looking forward to it.
It's really encouraging to see Stephen speaking so positively about Clara.
He seems quite eager to see her again.
I just want to give him some homework
to do during his date with her next time.
I definitely want you to flirt, Stephen.
SHE LAUGHS
I want you to flirt.
What, now?
I'm gonna ask for you to do two things. Mm-hm.
Just for your flirting to be in the middle
of not overt... Mm-hm.
...but from covert and hard to read, perhaps
a bit to the middle. OK.
And two main things is prolonged eye contact...
Well, that's not too hard. ...and then compliments...
Ah. ..based on
personality or her sex appeal.
The awkward nod of a man
who doesn't know whether to cry or run for the hills.
Challenge accepted.
This is your opportunity to take risk.
This is your opportunity to flirt big.
This is your opportunity to say the vulnerable thing.
This is your opportunity to do all of that,
and why?
So that you can learn to become better.
Yeah. As a human being, as a future partner to someone.
I'm listening to what you're saying, and I want to,
you know, I want to improve.
Also, like Clara is gorgeous,
spicy personality, interesting life experiences.
I mean, you guys are gonna have a fun time.
Oh, yeah. I haven't seen him this excited
since he had his kitchen worktops resurfaced.
Well, thank you so much for coming today. Thank you.
Yeah. Thank you. Mwah! See ya. Bye!
And you know, what's interesting is
when you're talking about overt/covert,
for example, he picked that up immediately.
And you can see that that's going to be playing out
in his mind. Yeah.
What is going to be overt to...
HE LAUGHS Who knows!
Maybe just start rapping?
Yeah, but that would be... That would be hot.
So, as one romance rookie leaves, another one arrives.
Coming in so hot he doesn't even need a coat in spring.
Although that sound he's making would indicate otherwise.
Let's get ready to humble it's PK Humble.
Hello, Celebrity Dating Agency.
Hello it's PK. Come in.
♪ Let's get ready to rumble.
♪ Get ready Get steady
♪ And rumble Everybody rumble! ♪
Woo! Oh, PK, oh!
Oh, my gosh! Are you chilly? I forgot my jacket.
Oh, darling!
Shall I rub you vigorously? Argh, It's cold!
I'm freezing. Right in your latissimus dorsi.
Hey! Have I created some friction?
Yes, friction, friction. Anotomy, anotomy.
I beg your pardon?
I find you ticklesome.
Ticklesome? Is that a word that you made up?
What? Like "anotomy"?
I like to make up words. What are yours?
Jinky majinky. Tell me about jinky majinky.
It's just flare.
You could put the majinky into your lady.
Or maybe you just go for a lady that possesses majinky.
I look for a lady that possesses all the majinky,
and I hope she brings the kinky to the majinky.
I think I'm gonna be sick in the sinky if this carries on.
PHONE RINGS Oh.
T, do you have PK there?
Yes. Excellent.
Yeah. We're ready.
Thanks, babe. Farewell.
Class dismissed.
Are you ready to properly meet PK?
I'm ready to. I'm ready to. I've heard quite a bit.
Why do I get the impression it's about to be D-Day for PK?
KNOCK ON DOOR Come on in.
Hello hello, hello. Hello! Hey.
I'm already concerned about PK's attitude
towards dating and women.
Today, he'll really need to explain himself.
Hey, man, how are you doing?
I just hope that his maturity
is much higher than his reputation suggests.
I've been hearing a lot about you.
What, bad or good things?
Let's blank slate it. Mm-hm. Right?
How about you just tell me about you so I can hear it from you?
HE INHALES SHARPLY Uh.
I think I'm one of the good guys, but in a bad suit.
OK. Well, you're talking to the right man about that.
I just like to misbehave, but there's a lot of good in me.
Talk Paul through the roster. Yeah.
Yeah, so I've got a roster of over, I'd say probably 20 girls.
OK. Everyone's just a phone call away.
Phone call away from sex? Yeah.
And I also heard that you cheated
quite a bit on one of your exes.
Yeah. OK.
This behaviour from PK is unacceptable.
He needs to stop this. It's 2026,
and he cannot continue to treat women as a commodity.
He has a responsibility as an influencer to young people.
So I need to find out if this is
what he actually thinks and if so, he needs to stop it.
Part of me thinks, are you saying this for effect?
Like, are you just saying it to say it. Right?
The other part says, is this really your life?
So which one is it?
It's a bit of both.
It's a bit of both, OK. So this is the thing,
there's a performative nature to you... 100%.
...that we can see already, right?
And this is the problem that you have to keep
in mind is that there's a lot of, especially young boys,
young men who watch you
and who emulate what they think that you're doing.
My oldest is 15, my youngest is 12.
And so just as I am trying to raise them up to be kings, right?
You could be raising them up to be jokers.
Ooh! That's gotta hurt.
A direct Bronson hit straight in the jinky majinkies!
Welcome back to Celebs Go Dating,
where notorious overthinker Stephen
is en route to his first second date with Clara.
It's almost more difficult
coming back to see Clara having already seen her than
it is walking into a situation where I haven't met the person.
Uh, that's not what you told the Agents.
It feels like there's more pressure on it,
and I don't know why, it's all coming from me.
Relax, Professor, you got this.
So, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!
Well, I'm glad to see all that second date confidence
oozing out of you, Steve.
♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool... ♪
Back, arriving at the agency,
a man with more confidence and white T-shirts than the Fonz.
It's retired rugby royalty
and self-proclaimed superstar DJ, James Haskell.
Arriving for his latest date debrief.
INTERCOM RINGS Hello, Celebrity Dating Agency.
Hi, it's James. Come in, James.
Sweet. As a nut.
♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool
♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool. ♪
KNOCKS ON DOOR Come in.
Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, you!
You! Look, we've both done bombers.
I can't even spin properly, my legs are too sore.
How are you? Oh.
It's like the ballroom scene from Beauty And The Beast.
Oh, how I love gentle giant James,
a walking oxymoron.
On the one hand, a hulking rugby player.
On the other, a gentle DJ with a big glittery finger.
Oh, look at your nails.
But you know, they match my toenails?
Do they? Yeah.
Have you not noticed? I always paint my toenails?
May I see? Of course you can. I've only done three.
TOM GASPS I don't need to...
Oh, I see!
They're nice, aren't they? Oh, they're iridescent!
I thought they were just silver. No, no, no,
they've got real sparkles.
Oh you've got a whole rainbow in there.
Yeah. I only did three fingers cos I was DJ-ing.
I think because if you go full
in my mind the kind of rationale was that three fingers is OK.
If you're sort of doing all your hands,
it's kind of probably a bit more... Yeah. No one wants a full fist.
Especially not with hands that size.
Meanwhile, back upstairs,
PK is being forced to eat humble pie after being on
the receiving end of a Brunson burn for his behaviour towards women,
including his notorious roster.
So all the stuff about the women, blah-blah-blah,
like, at best, quite honestly, that talk at best is immaturity.
At worst, it's misogyny. Mm-hm.
And that's a space that you don't want to go down.
Now, what you were doing, is that respectful?
I wouldn't say it's entirely disrespectful
because everyone's entitled to their own decision.
Yes and no.
If you treat women
as disposable options, that is misogyny.
I'm not a bad guy. Like,
I don't want him to feel like I'm a bad guy.
So I feel like it's time for me to come clean
and tell them the truth about my roster.
Christ, it's bigger than we thought? Where's my abacus?
The roster's not 20.
OK. It's like... I wouldn't say it's
a "roster" roster, but it's nowhere near 20.
This is good. That's a step.
Yeah, definitely. That's definitely a step.
Yeah, we're chipping away.
At 28, 29, you are now becoming a man.
And the question is, what kind of man do you want to be?
So this is this is such an important journey for you.
Mmm. Fair?
Very fair.
It's great to hear that PK has a softer and more humble side,
but we need to make sure that he takes this into his dates.
And this is something
that he's not just telling us, but what he actually believes.
I want to hear about this date.
I think she had a great time.
Humble by name, not so by nature.
PK's debut date was with hairdresser Inez,
and any first date nerves were brushed off pretty quickly.
It's like right now, if you meet me and you feel like
I'm the most amazing thing.
You should just kiss me. Like, why would you wait?
Oh. OK.
And despite a barrage of bullshit...
I could call my mum right now and tell my mum I think I've found the love of my life.
...he somehow managed to pull a second date invite
out of his minky majinky box of magic.
It's been great. It's been amazing.
Would you like to see me again?
Definitely.
How did you leave the date?
It's not that I wasn't feeling it. I'm just...
I wasn't too sure if there was, like, that spark.
What? OK. You look like you needed
a fucking fire extinguisher at one point.
But then I might just be looking too deep into things.
So it sounds like Inez is possibly for a second date.
We want you to go on second dates
if you feel as if you would like to get to know that person.
Yeah. But that being said,
we do have another date for you.
Christ! What are you doing to the man, Paul?
As long as it's all done authentically and respectfully,
you can date many people at the same time.
We have no problem with that.
OK, well, this lovely lady...
PK, your face.
PK, she's a sheep farmer from Belfast.
Yes. Sheep farmer? Yes.
Christ! Is that what, sheep farmers in Belfast wear?
I might move to Belfast. Or become a sheep.
She's an Aquarius.
She likes beards and guys who match her vibe.
She hates emotionally unavailable men.
Oh, leave it out. Cutting me off from emotions is the only thing that gets me through.
You best go get your wellies on.
Yes, indeed. And we'll see you.
Sir, thank you very much.
This was good, man. Really good. Thank you.
Yeah, I appreciate it. Really good to see you.
Take care. Enjoy your date.
Different person just showed up.
I'm really happy it went that way.
So as the agents successfully penetrate PK's f-boy facade...
♪ Gonna reach out! Reach out, honey ♪
Fledgling flirter to Stephen has arrived
for his second date with Clara.
The first time I met Clara, it felt pretty easy.
There was a really good back and forth, no awkward silences.
I'm interested to see how well it flows this time.
Well, if the chat dries up,
you can always show her a photo of your kitchen island.
♪ Gonna reach out when you need a hold of your hand... ♪
On our first date, we were pretty much half naked,
which I have to say is a first for me on a first date.
Normally, I do like to show up with my clothes on.
So I'm looking forward to a date
where I don't have to get half naked.
Well, maybe not... Hold on, wait.
But... SHE LAUGHS
Nice! That is exactly
the level of textbook flanter that the agents want from Stevo.
The agents are quite keen for me to pay more compliments.
And it's weird, as soon as they suggest
that I get in my head and go, "Oh, God, that's awkward."
It just feels cringe.
I feel like if I say anything that's complimentary now,
it's just owing to them having told me to.
And... Argh! I want to invert the thought of it.
Stephen, you've just got to stop thinking, mate.
Come on, put your big boy pants on and have a flirt.
Let's go. You got this.
♪ Reach out Reach out. ♪
Hi. Hey. How are you? Yeah, good, thank you.
How are you? Good to see you. Nice to see you, too.
Thank you. That's all right.
Don't pull it out when I sit down.
So I land on the floor.
Very chivalrous. Good start, Steve.
Um, how have you been?
I've got norovirus.
Oh, fuck's sake.
Oh. Which was interesting.
Oh, and I got an electric shock.
Then trod on a rake and slipped on a banana skin?
Like, I plugged my phone in, it wasn't charging.
I touched the socket and got an actual like... HE SHUDDERS
And then it was one of the scariest things that has ever...
Sorry, I shouldn't laugh.
It was, um, yeah, electrifying.
I don't know... Well done.
If women could get erections, she's just lost hers.
Come on, Stephen, stop with the dad jokes.
You've had some other dates, how have they been?
Um, I went on a date with a lovely lady called Fiona.
It was really gentle, but there was nothing there beyond that.
But every piece of feedback that I've had is
that he could have been more flirty or could have flirted at all.
I'm like, we're sat across from a table.
It's like, how did you...? I don't
think I've ever consciously flirted with someone.
I have no idea what that looks like.
We know you like analysing things. If you were
going to do more obvious flowing, what would you do?
You look gorgeous today.
OK.
So it sounds like you're my gay best friend.
SHE LAUGHS
See, that's why I don't do it!
He's only just sat down,
and he's already flanted his way into a friend zoning.
Back to the drawing board, Professor!
Back at the Agency,
Anna and Dr T have summoned James with the giant reach
upstairs to hear all about his last date with Megan.
I mean, he's come a long way. Yeah,
I'm hoping that Megan was the positive date for him.
Yeah. Or did he tank completely?
And get slap on the wrist maybe? Anything can happen.
Slap on the face? I mean, maybe.
He might be into that.
If anyone can take it, it's James Haskell.
And if anyone can give it, it's Dom Tara.
Come in!
Hello! James!
On James's date with Megan,
she opened herself up like a treasure chest.
I did have a bit of a...
rocky, um, childhood.
We were on Supernanny.
Well, how bad were you?
I bit her, I hit her, I called her a bitch.
The face of a man working out
where he can source a super nanny costume at 8pm.
And he wasted no time in teaching his naughty date
a lesson in kissing.
Smoochy, smoochy.
I'll catch up with you soon. All right?
Have a nice night, get home safe. You too. See ya!
How are we feeling? Yeah, good.
I think Megan was probably the best date,
first date I've had. Really?
Very much attracted to her.
Enjoyed her company, but I came away and I was like,
do I think that this might lead on to a longer term thing?
And I was a bit honest myself.
I said, probably not.
You could have told her that, mate. Now, go on, go on the naughty step.
Ooh! Interesting.
I didn't feel through the conversation there was
that real spark that would kick into a relationship.
I'm in this process to find someone for a serious relationship.
It is good to analyse, to see how you go on,
but also to remember that a first date is a first date. Yeah.
It feels like you've kind of come to a solution based on one date.
Yes. It's typically the second or third date,
where we start to find out a lot more.
I mean, I'll be honest, my husband, my now husband, you know,
I would never have imagined that I was going to marry him,
you know, in the first couple of dates I'd had with him.
That's what Lou tells me every day,
although with a bit more despair and a touch more regret.
But she's locked in.
♪ Don't stop the music Don't stop. ♪
Meanwhile, after his flirty foul earlier,
time to check in with Stephen,
where we're all hoping that his chat up game isn't still
as shocking as his faulty phone charger.
So, obviously, this is our second date.
Mm-hm.
And I guess we've discussed quite a lot of things.
Do you think that we're compatible?
I enjoy talking to you, and...
Anything but an immediate yes is going to sound like a no.
I know friend is such a dangerous word.
Oh, God. Someone stop him!
Given that my want to approach anything in the future is slowly...
Mm-hm. ..would I like to end up in a happy and committed relationship?
Absolutely. Am I ready for that immediately?
No. That's going to take time,
but I think that offers an opportunity if someone has
the patience. Potentially?
Is that a question? Sorry... I don't know,
maybe. Yeah. I'm not sure,
but I think he might have asked her out.
But in the least romantic way possible
whilst also asking her a question he doesn't understand.
Potential compatibility. Tick.
And for there to be some potential alignment
has created a feeling of
a load of undue pressure and my head is spinning.
My idea of like the perfect
relationship would be, like, someone who I can talk to.
Like, I can talk to my best friend.
That is a requirement for me going forward.
I need to have that friendship.
But is... that where therein lies the danger?
Of putting someone in the friend zone? SHE LAUGHS
Or ending up in it? Yeah.
I guess so.
But then I suppose if someone's
for you, then they're for you, right?
Like, if it's going to work out, it's gonna work out.
So do we... I mean, does that mean
that there is compatibility, do you think?
I guess so, yeah.
Uh. Everything OK, Stephen?
Stephen?
Um, my head's spinning a bit.
You've just worked out you're compatible.
That's a good thing, isn't it?
If you're dizzy, is it me?
You've completely... You've completely dizzied me.
What's going on?
Maybe he's still got the norovirus...
...because he looks like he's just shit himself.
Welcome back to Celebs Go Dating, where overanalyser
Stephen's head's just been spun by
the prospect of Clara quite liking him.
This has made me have to think about stuff.
Yeah. You're great and that's why I'm spinning.
Do you know what? It's the first
time I've had to really consider... anything.
You know, I came into this just thinking
it would all just be fun and, you know,
and thought that I was quite clear on my...
...position and what, you know, I was available for and what I wasn't.
It's... I obviously knew that we got along
and I'm here to put myself out there.
But talking about potential compatibility
and maybe there being some has made things
a bit realer than they were previously.
And now my head is in
a bit of a spin. HE EXHALES
OK. OK.
So there's all this, like,
it just feels all of a sudden more pressured and scary.
OK. You know, I want to be honest.
Um, in that I think I just need a bit of time to... think.
You OK? Yeah.
I think so. That was quite difficult to say.
It's OK. Um...
♪ Now there's a change in me. ♪
OK.
Thank you for being so understanding.
No worries.
Look after yourself. OK? You too.
Bye. See you.
Hang about, where's he going?
Talk about an emotional mic drop.
Not even paid the bill.
Clara is wicked.
The moment almost that, you know,
we said, yeah, there's some alignment.
It was just like, oh God, that's really big.
I've got to make a decision on that now.
My head's spinning a bit
and I need... I need some time to think
so I can understand what's going on.
♪ Cos now there's a change in me. ♪
Um, it's not how I thought today was going to end,
but Stephen said to me that he was
feeling quite emotionally overwhelmed,
and that he kind of needs some time to think about things.
I feel confused, I feel anxious.
It just brought up so much that I can't even really decipher.
And that made me feel incredibly conflicted about
whether or not I could honestly continue,
given where I find myself and I think I need to get back to
the agency and have a proper talk.
♪ Everybody feels it sometimes. ♪
Well, back at the agency, after deciding not to see Megan again,
the agents already have another date lined up for Jimbo.
Take a look at your next date.
This is Dottie! Dottie!
Dottie is a personal trainer from London.
She's 33, 5'7".
She's very pretty. She likes muscles,
wit, and ambition.
I mean, when people say muscles,
wit and ambition, I immediately say James Haskell.
I immediately say, "No need to be so formal, just call me Rob."
Yes, I love that. I mean, I'm excited.
She's an absolute belter, isn't she?
Yeah! She's really lovely. We're going to manifest
amazing things, romantic feelings and fire.
Yeah. Yes!
Bring that James Haskell sexiness to the date.
Yeah, got that, girls! There it is. All right, well.
See you later, ladies. Thank you. Thanks for coming in.
Ciao, see you later. Ciao.
So James heads off to meet his hottie, Dottie.
But not before a quick tarrah with Tommy.
Goodbye, darling.
Farewell, my love. See you later.
Bisou. I'll catch that,
hit it up later. See you later.
Get a room, fellas.
I should just go on a date with Tom, be a lot easier.
Not if you let him cook for you, it wouldn't.
I'm excited about Dottie, though.
Oh, my gosh, this is going to go well. I am...
This is going to be stellar feedback.
And I reckon we're in second, maybe even
third date territory. The one.
Calm down, guys. Old muscles, wit and ambition bollocks
has barely even left the agency.
♪ Oh, you can't keep a good man down.
♪ No, you can't keep a good man down. ♪
Across town, lurching round the corner,
it's a pretty in pink Pottsie. And he's dressed for the occasion
as he prepares to get his claws into a blind date
at a crab restaurant. Of course he is.
I'm excited for a blind date.
Or am I? Would I rather have seen him?
Nah, fuck it. I love a surprise.
Good, because this one looks
less mystery date and more Special Forces.
Say hello to Anthony.
I'm feeling a bit nervous about my date with David today.
I've not been on a date for about three years,
so my mum's made me come out
and go on a date today because she's sick of me.
Yeah, maybe don't open with that, Ant.
I hope he's fit.
Tall, sexy, older.
Daddy vibes. Let's see.
Yeah, I'd probably go more squaddie vibes,
but I'm sure he'll let you call him daddy if you ask nicely.
♪ No, you can't keep a good man down
♪ Gonna rise up, rise up
♪ It ain't over now. ♪
If you're gonna be sick, David, now is not a good time. Hi.
Hi, you OK? Nice to meet you. Hi, nice to meet you.
I'm David. Oh, good to meet you.
Are you OK? Yes. How are you? I'm all right, just got a little bit wet.
Things are going well. Early doors.
I like your shirt. Thank you.
It's very jazzy. It's my lucky shirt.
Oh, is it? Yeah. OK.
What does it normally bring you?
Luck, you fucking idiot!
Well, boys. Oh, does it? OK.
His mum washed it especially for him. Bless.
OK, I like it. I bought it in Vegas, I'm a massive Kylie Minogue fan.
Right, OK. So I went to Vegas to the residency to see her there.
Nice. And then I saw this while I was there and thought...
And you thought, that's a bit of me. A little purchase. Yeah.
Yes. Treat yourself. Yes.
So how old are you, Anthony?
I am 49.
Anthony is super sexy
and I love an older man.
This is getting off to a very good start.
So what's your usual type then? Like, aesthetically?
Uh, I don't... I haven't got a type of person.
OK. It's an energy. Mm-hm.
Definitely an energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got that.
I think I'm a bit of a romantic as well,
to be honest with you, because I spend my life watching,
like, Bridget Jones... Oh, nice! ...and Four Weddings.
So I'm like, I really believe, like, that love story,
happy ending. And me! Yeah.
The Pretty Woman thing at the end where he goes on the fire escape, I want that.
Yeah, do you want to be Richard Gere though or Julia Roberts?
Richard Gere. Oh, fantastic. Do you want to be Julia Roberts?
Of course I do. With that long hair.
Mmm, what do I want to be, a handsome multi-millionaire or a sex worker?
Tricky.
Meanwhile, across London, PK is on his way
to see his pretty woman, sheep shearer Ellen.
Fingers crossed he's on his best behaviour
after receiving a dressing down from Paul earlier.
The agents have told me I need to change my ways.
However, we've got a long journey so
I hope everyone got toothbrushes,
spare pants.
I've gone commando just in case.
Why? Your jinky majinkies need airing, do they?
Quick... access.
You know.
Christ, he hasn't learnt a thing, has he?
Let's hope your date can keep you in check.
So I've come to London to help me find marriage.
Do they not have butter alternatives over there?
Where I'm from, these boys are emotionally unavailable.
Or they're just unavailable, fullstop.
Oh, marriage, not marge! Soz.
Hello. Hello, hello, hello.
How are you? You all right?
PK. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Ellen.
Alan? Oh, Ellen. Yeah, of course.
You smell nice. Thank you.
So do you. Oh, do I, yeah? Yeah!
Did you just come straight from Ireland today?
Yeah. Damn! And then what, are you going back to Ireland tomorrow?
Mm-hm. Back into the farm life tomorrow.
So what does that entail?
Like, a sheep farmer.
So like what? Like, cut their...? No, no, no.
Like, lambing. Lambing season.
What's that? Like a llama? Like all the wee baby sheeps.
Like the ones with the long neck?
Strap in, folks.
No, no, no. Just the sheep.
But, like, you call the baby sheeps lambs.
Oh, lamb! Like, lamb. You see... It's the accent.
Yeah, there's a bit of a language barrier here.
You can say that again. She's had better conversations with the sheep.
Oh, she's looking real fire.
But the sound that's coming out of her mouth...
I need a lot of subtitles right now.
I'm struggling to keep up.
Can someone download Duolingo for him?
So, like, what do you do when you're farming, like?
Are you like...? In. I'm in there, like
I'm covered from head to toe in muck.
In shit? Between muck and shit. Yeah.
Like, all day? So like, you come home smelling of shit.
Yeah.
But you get a everything shower and then you're good to go.
What, like a full valet?
Full MOT.
So that means your bath must have,
like, there's shit stains on it.
Oh, PK!
Anyone for the mushroom pate to start?
Back at the shack, looks like the crabs are about to arrive,
which David's hoping will get Anthony's juices flowing.
Oh, lovely. Nothing says romance quite
like dinner served in an evidence bag.
Get stuck in, boys.
Oh. Enjoy, guys. Jesus Christ!
Where the hell have they sent me?
I'm really gonna have to try here.
Right, David, get flirty, get sexy.
Because I'm feeling fucking fish with a sick bowl next to me.
Well, at least you're rubbered up and fully protected, mate.
Oh, my God, there's a full on claw in my face.
I just got a whiff of it as well. Let's give it a go.
Oh, yeah? Yeah. Right.
Right. Bit fishy, do you want to try some?
Yeah, give me a little bit. Thank you so much.
Oh.
HE RETCHES
THEY LAUGH
I'm not a fishy person. I'm not a fish person.
Perfect.
I like tuna, and I like fish fingers.
No, I don't... I can't even do that.
I'm just gonna have some of that sausage, though.
Sausage might be all right. Stick to what you know, eh, fellas?
Oh. That's nice.
Oh, yeah, that's all right.
I'm actually quite shocked at myself for trying that.
Well done. I know!
Try new things.
My new thing for the new year is, like, say yes to everything.
OK. I said yes to this.
Oh, wow. Thank you. ANTHONY LAUGHS
That's nice. Yeah. Yeah. Charity work.
That what you doing? Careful, Anthony.
He'll have your sausage under that claw hammer if you're not careful.
Meanwhile, back across town,
after being left fishing for an interpreter,
can PK catch any kind of rapport with Ellen?
So what's your hobbies? What do you like to do?
I like playing football.
Yeah. I swear there's like a...
...what's it called? Um.
Garlic football?
I beg your pardon? Is it garlic football?
I don't think it is. Yeah.
They've got the post. You've never seen it?
No. It's only in Ireland as well. No!
Gaelic! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!
Do you know that our town actually won the world tournament last year?
Your thyme, like the...? My town.
Like the... Like, the herb thyme?
Jesus! Does anyone know the accent setting for Google Translate?
No, no, they won, like, a tournament.
When you're saying your thyme,
is it like T-H...?
No, T-O-W-N.
Oh! That one! Oh, I know what you're talking about.
You know what? That accent's strong, it's thick.
Thicker than a bowl of oatmeal.
However, the language of love has no boundaries.
What do you like to do in your spare time?
Pilates princess. Is it? Mm-hm.
I can tell. I can...
Is the body giving tea?
I can't really see unless. You want to show me again?
Steady on, PK.
Come on. Let me see. Let me see. Let me see.
How's that newfound respect for women going for you?
Do you wanna OOTD? A tour, yeah!
Yeah, so. Do you like it?
Oh, and a twirl and a twirl.
Hoo-hoo! HE LAUGHS
Like that? Yeah, I do like that.
I do like that.
You're gonna get me in trouble, you know.
Depends if you get your roster out.
I'm a good girl. You're a good girl.
I don't like good girls, though.
You don't like good girls? Do you like bad girls?
I like... Well, maybe I might be bad for you then.
Ooh! SHE LAUGHS
Music to my ears.
That's not music, PK. That's the sound of Paul C Brunson
sharpening his shears.
Damn! Hallelujah! SHE LAUGHS
♪ Do I stay? Do I go?
♪ You spin my life out of control. ♪
Welcome back to Celebs Go Dating
where after struggling to overcome the accent barrier,
PK is slowly warming to sheep shearing Ellen,
and is keen to dive deeper into the use of her mother tongue.
How do you use "wee" in a sentence?
Would you like a wee biscuit?
I'd like a wee kiss. Yeah.
Would you like a wee kiss? Would you like to go for a wee kiss?
Would you like to go for a wee kiss?
Are you asking me?
Ellen's putting it on me.
I'm feeling it.
But I have to resist the urge.
I have to take a touch. I have to slow it down.
I can't give you everything on the plate.
No. Cos then you'll never come back.
You'll never see... You never see London again.
Are you going to come to my farm?
Crikey, no mucking about.
Am I going to come to your farm? Yeah.
If you want me to. I would love to see you.
Show me, show me. So how do I like, how do I like...?
What do I do? What do you say, shave a sheep?
So you have... The sheep has to be in between your legs.
She didn't bring it with her, mate.
SHE LAUGHS Do you want to be the sheep?
HE LAUGHS
Can you baa?
Baa! Baa!
I think he'll do whatever the hell you want him to do right now, Ellen.
Or you can be the sheep and I... THEY LAUGH
And then you can talk me through it. You want me to be the sheep?
Oh, Jesus. It's OK, table two, she's just getting sheared.
I have to be like this.
Like, you have to be like... The sheep's here, right?
Yeah. Are you all right there? Yeah, I'm all right.
Are you enjoying the view? Oh, yeah, yeah. Loving the view.
What is going on? I hope it ain't lambing season.
You're gonna shave him... Oh, where am I shaving this?
Where am I? Where am I shaving? Shaving the back. Right here?
Yeah. And then you're going along the legs. OK.
This isn't how they demonstrated sheep shearing on Springwatch.
And then you're going to go underneath the stomach. OK.
And then back out. All right.
And then that's it? Yeah.
I think you'd do well at that.
Yeah, I can tell.
Yeah, although ideally he won't get a semi when it comes to real sheep.
I want to be a farmer. Something tells me you
might soil yourself when Paul finds out about this date, PK.
Back at the cleaner end of the dating spectrum,
in the metaphorical sense at least,
mucky pups David and Anthony
are still tucking into each other's fishy bits.
My dog, a little French bulldog, a little grey one.
What's your dog called? Bear.
Bear. Yes, and love of my life.
I've even got a tattoo on my leg of him because I love him that much.
Have you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me see.
Do you want me to show you?
It involves me pulling my pants down though.
Oh, my God.
Bit forward for a first date, Ant.
Do whatever you need to do.
No complaints from the Potts, though.
That's my dog there.
Oh, in a captain's hat!
Like a Napoleon outfit. Oh!
I'm surprised you noticed the dog in front of that bulge.
Kylie Minogue. You love Kylie, don't you?
Obsessed with Kylie Minogue.
Yeah, she's like the love of my life.
What about Bear?
So I'm competing with your dog, and Kylie. ANTHONY LAUGHS
I hope he's left enough
room between Kylie and the dog for me.
I really like Anthony, but I don't know.
Does he like me?
The geezer's just whipped his trousers off
to show you his little grey Frenchie.
Read the room, Pottsie.
Back with PK, who thankfully appears to have stopped shaving
his date's undercarriage in favour of,
hopefully, some more restrained conversation.
I like to have my breakfast in bed.
I'll make you breakfast in bed. Well, that lasted long.
Yeah, I'm down for that.
Breakfast in bed, I'm a good cook.
Are you?
I cook the best when I'm naked.
SHE LAUGHS Mmm.
Christ, where's this headed?
Other than her hotel.
HE CHUCKLES
Ready to go? Yeah. Come, let's go.
Ellen's a lovely girl.
The sexual chemistry was there when I was shearing her.
PK, stay with us, mate.
I had some bad thoughts. God, this isn't looking good.
I wanted to go crazy,
but I keep... I keep hearing the voices in my head.
I keep hearing the agents telling me,
you know what? I got to be different
so I can actually find love this time.
Yeah, I love that.
I'm gonna behave myself.
Yeah. Even though I don't want to. No.
Yes, PK, progress at last!
Paul, you can cancel the hitman.
That's giving husband.
Husband vibes. Yeah. Husband vibes.
And I'm gonna be a good boy. Aw.
And, hopefully, I'll see you soon.
Yeah. Take care. It was nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too. Bye, beautiful. Bye.
The flirtiness that was going on on that date
was giving a lot of sexual tension.
So I was expecting a peck.
But here, he's a good boy.
And we left with a hug, so I'm not complaining.
That newfound respect's paying off already, PK.
On a normal day, I probably would have just given her
nine inches of Paradise. But I'm changing my ways.
Jesus! The last time I offered Lou
nine inches of Paradise, she said to me,
"I'm not having sex with you three times in a row."
Back at the Crab Shack, Pottsie's become hooked on Anthony,
but he's somehow unable to read
the room that he might fancy him back.
I'm having a really good time, thank you.
Oh, no, me too, cheers! I am, thank you.
To us! Yes. To the Northerners. Yes!
You're so lovely. You're my first northern date.
Really? Is that the universal greeting for anyone north of Watford?
Do you do that a lot? Yeah, that's my thing, isn't it?
Is that flexing the guns? Trying.
OK. Trying, trying.
Like the flex. No. It's cute. Thank you, I've had a really nice time.
It's really nice. I feel like we get on really well.
Yeah, I do, yeah.
I have had a really good time with Anthony.
We've been laughing non-stop and the vibes
have been brilliant. But I'm slightly concerned
that we're gonna leave this date as mates.
I really need to turn my flirt on.
You give me role play vibes.
Really? Do you do role play?
Yeah. I knew it!
ANTHONY LAUGHS I knew it.
Go on, what do you like to do?
I've never done roleplay.
Have you not? Never.
No, because you could do, like, office worker and worker.
OK. Get you over there on the photocopier
and all that type of stuff.
And do you want to be the assistant or the manager?
Manager. OK, fine. Yeah.
Do you want to be the assistant?
One of you is gonna have to be the photocopier repairman by the sounds of it.
I'm happy to be an assistant. THEY LAUGH
Are you quite forward? Or would you say quite reserved?
I'm quite... Do you like someone else take the lead.
I like someone to take the lead.
No wonder this has been so painful.
Oh, do you? Yeah.
With regards to anything, like someone kissing me or something.
I'd want someone to do it. Oh, OK.
What are you?
Here we go. Now's your big chance, David.
Probably want someone to take the lead.
THEY LAUGH
Oh, Christ! We're gonna be here all day.
Do you want to?
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, thank fuck for that. Who said romance was dead?
Get in, Pottsie!
Not even the fishy fumes are putting them off.
- So lovely. - Oh! ANTHONY LAUGHS
That was easy. Fantastic. We'll get them shots now.
You gone red now.
It's the crab. It's coming out in me.
Not crabs. It's crab.
Don't be telling me you got crabs.
No, no, I... Oh!
One of them just bite you?
Come on, David, pull it together.
Are we going on another date?
Do you want to? I'd like to. Yeah.
Yeah, OK. Yeah, for sure.
I'd like to spend more time with you and get to know you more. Definitely.
This is definitely my best date so far.
Sexy, daddy vibes,
few cheeky kisses.
Thank you. You're welcome.
I instigated it.
Did you, bollocks. Did I instigate it?
Actually, I can't remember. No. No, he instigated it.
Oh, shit. Come on. We're off.
I couldn't have asked for a better night.
Just had a really, really nice time. Really nice energy.
I've had a fantastic time. I've had a great time.
Thank you so much. It's been lovely. Yes! It's been amazing.
Give us a snog. Yes.
Oh, thank you. Aw. Thank you for a lovely night.
Shall we go and get another tequila?
Yeah, let's go and get another tequila. Come on.
Come on. Really good date.
I'm like the milkman. Always deliver.
HE LAUGHS
HE COUGHS Excuse me, sorry,
that was a bit of crab.
Just coming back up my throat.
I think I've swallowed some shell.
I think I could be in A&E.
Well, let's hope they do Happy Hour
at the local hospital, then. Have fun.
Get in there with your titty tassels.
Shimmy, shimmy!
Lucinda pours her heart out...
LUCINDA SOBS I know. It's OK.
Let it out.
...before sticking her nose in.
Wanna have a smell?
As our celebs... Feel like I want to feel my finger
with a big fat ring. ...go...
There's a couple of people that I think we've got in common.
They didn't put you in the best spot. Did they not?
I could have just stayed at home and punched myself in the face.
...DATING! THEY CHEER
Get in, you bastard!
Come on!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media