1
00:00:06,349 --> 00:00:08,351
[cheering and applause]
2
00:00:10,987 --> 00:00:13,222
Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and this is The Fix,
3
00:00:13,289 --> 00:00:15,391
the show where we take
the world's biggest problems
4
00:00:15,458 --> 00:00:16,459
and try and solve them.
5
00:00:16,526 --> 00:00:19,228
And the world's biggest problem
is the world is getting hotter.
6
00:00:19,295 --> 00:00:21,597
Our planet's been around
for over four billion years,
7
00:00:21,664 --> 00:00:23,533
and we've been able to ruin it
in just a century.
8
00:00:23,599 --> 00:00:25,902
It's actually pretty impressive
if you think about it.
9
00:00:25,968 --> 00:00:26,803
[laughter]
10
00:00:26,869 --> 00:00:28,571
The oceans are rising,
11
00:00:28,638 --> 00:00:29,572
glaciers are melting
12
00:00:29,639 --> 00:00:32,041
and devastating freak weather patterns
are becoming the norm.
13
00:00:32,141 --> 00:00:35,545
In fact, a better name for global warming
might be Arma-fucking-geddon.
14
00:00:36,145 --> 00:00:37,246
[laughter]
15
00:00:37,346 --> 00:00:42,452
97% of academics agree global warming
is caused by human activity.
16
00:00:42,518 --> 00:00:46,255
The other 3% of academics are being paid
so much money by oil companies,
17
00:00:46,322 --> 00:00:48,191
they literally couldn't give a shit.
18
00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:50,126
[laughter]
19
00:00:50,193 --> 00:00:52,428
Because their natural habitats
are being destroyed,
20
00:00:52,495 --> 00:00:54,831
many species of animals
could become extinct.
21
00:00:54,897 --> 00:00:58,134
So eat that snow leopard while you can.
Stocks are limited.
22
00:00:58,234 --> 00:01:00,002
[laughter]
23
00:01:00,470 --> 00:01:01,437
Thanks to global warming,
24
00:01:01,504 --> 00:01:04,107
the world is drowning and on fire.
25
00:01:04,173 --> 00:01:07,310
It's like we're all living
inside Kanye West's mind.
26
00:01:07,376 --> 00:01:08,911
[laughter]
27
00:01:09,846 --> 00:01:12,448
[applause]
28
00:01:12,515 --> 00:01:13,449
Terrifying.
29
00:01:14,617 --> 00:01:17,820
Luckily, I've got four very funny
comedians and half an hour to kill.
30
00:01:17,887 --> 00:01:19,856
We've got this. Welcome to The Fix!
31
00:01:20,223 --> 00:01:22,558
[audience cheers, theme music plays]
32
00:01:28,865 --> 00:01:29,932
Here's how the show works.
33
00:01:29,999 --> 00:01:33,202
I've challenged two teams of comedians
to come up with a fix for global warming.
34
00:01:33,269 --> 00:01:36,205
Our studio audience will be voting
for their favorite at the end of the show.
35
00:01:36,272 --> 00:01:37,974
That'll be that, problem solved.
36
00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:41,043
Joining me this evening are DL Hughley
and Ron Funches.
37
00:01:41,144 --> 00:01:43,146
[cheering and applause]
38
00:01:44,580 --> 00:01:46,749
And Katherine Ryan and Sasheer Zamata.
39
00:01:46,816 --> 00:01:48,818
[cheering and applause]
40
00:01:50,419 --> 00:01:51,888
Later on, we'll be hearing the fixes,
41
00:01:51,954 --> 00:01:54,223
but, before that,
let's take a closer look at the problem.
42
00:01:54,290 --> 00:01:56,359
Okay, global warming.
Sasheer, what do you think?
43
00:01:56,425 --> 00:01:58,394
Well, I think maybe
44
00:01:58,461 --> 00:02:00,663
the Earth is supposed to die.
45
00:02:00,730 --> 00:02:05,034
I mean, I want it to last
as long as possible, but...
46
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:07,203
it's kind of like being
in a toxic relationship.
47
00:02:07,703 --> 00:02:10,406
Like, if my boyfriend's being bad to me,
48
00:02:10,473 --> 00:02:12,575
I can recycle all I want, but...
49
00:02:13,075 --> 00:02:15,878
If he's taking my resources,
I should cut it off. You know?
50
00:02:15,945 --> 00:02:17,513
[laughter]
51
00:02:18,848 --> 00:02:21,150
Feels like they knew the guy. "Yeah."
52
00:02:21,784 --> 00:02:23,719
Okay, Ron, what do you think?
53
00:02:24,287 --> 00:02:27,423
-It's got its pluses and minuses...
-[laughter]
54
00:02:27,490 --> 00:02:31,327
I mean, I'm a summertime boy.
I like the heat myself.
55
00:02:31,394 --> 00:02:32,395
[laughter]
56
00:02:32,461 --> 00:02:34,697
I get to wear a lot of fun t-shirts.
57
00:02:34,764 --> 00:02:37,266
I can show them off. That's fun for me.
58
00:02:37,333 --> 00:02:38,334
[laughter]
59
00:02:38,401 --> 00:02:41,871
Good that we're not getting right
to the heart of the issue straight away.
60
00:02:41,938 --> 00:02:43,506
No, hot can be fun sometimes.
61
00:02:43,573 --> 00:02:45,708
It's fun to be thirsty sometimes.
62
00:02:45,775 --> 00:02:47,877
[laughter]
63
00:02:48,444 --> 00:02:50,146
Katherine, what do you think?
Global warming?
64
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:51,414
I'm undecided.
65
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:54,150
I feel that enough corporations
66
00:02:54,217 --> 00:02:57,820
with interests financially in fossil fuels
and a destructive agenda,
67
00:02:57,887 --> 00:02:59,589
if they paid me enough money,
68
00:02:59,655 --> 00:03:02,458
I could be persuaded to pretend
like it didn't exist.
69
00:03:03,292 --> 00:03:05,595
You know, a big shout-out,
American Petroleum.
70
00:03:06,162 --> 00:03:07,930
[laughter]
71
00:03:07,997 --> 00:03:11,968
So you're saying that you're for sale
in terms of your belief in global warming?
72
00:03:12,034 --> 00:03:13,703
I'm absolutely for sale.
73
00:03:14,136 --> 00:03:15,071
[laughter]
74
00:03:15,137 --> 00:03:16,205
And why not?
75
00:03:16,272 --> 00:03:18,441
If you're going to convince me
global warming exists,
76
00:03:18,507 --> 00:03:20,776
you've got to first convince me
science exists.
77
00:03:20,843 --> 00:03:22,612
Why do you think an oil company
78
00:03:22,678 --> 00:03:25,514
are going to pay you
for saying global warming isn't real?
79
00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:28,551
Look, I used to work at Hooters
and people paid me to do that.
80
00:03:28,618 --> 00:03:31,153
[laughter]
81
00:03:31,220 --> 00:03:33,456
It's always wise to have a side hustle.
82
00:03:34,690 --> 00:03:37,026
And my side hustle is...
83
00:03:37,093 --> 00:03:38,394
American Petroleum!
84
00:03:38,461 --> 00:03:39,395
[laughter]
85
00:03:40,062 --> 00:03:42,798
Keeping us safe for billions of years.
86
00:03:43,699 --> 00:03:45,268
And billions more to come.
87
00:03:45,334 --> 00:03:46,936
So enjoy your coal.
88
00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:48,271
[laughter]
89
00:03:48,337 --> 00:03:50,606
You've got a great shot
at winning tonight, I'd say.
90
00:03:50,673 --> 00:03:52,208
[laughter]
91
00:03:53,075 --> 00:03:56,078
Sasheer, do you know anyone that
seriously doesn't believe in the science?
92
00:03:56,145 --> 00:03:57,713
That doesn't believe in global warming.
93
00:03:57,780 --> 00:04:00,716
I'm not friends with dummies, so no.
94
00:04:00,783 --> 00:04:02,752
[laughter, applause]
95
00:04:03,519 --> 00:04:04,854
[audience hollering]
96
00:04:05,488 --> 00:04:07,990
What about you guys?
Do you know anyone that's not convinced?
97
00:04:08,057 --> 00:04:12,128
I mean, my sister goes to this church
that doesn't believe in it.
98
00:04:12,194 --> 00:04:14,930
And then my crazy Uncle Jerry
doesn't believe in it.
99
00:04:15,698 --> 00:04:17,533
-Crazy Uncle Jerry?
-Mm-hmm.
100
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,068
That's a weird first name.
101
00:04:19,135 --> 00:04:22,305
Well, if you knew him,
you'd know that's his first name.
102
00:04:22,371 --> 00:04:23,339
[laughter]
103
00:04:24,073 --> 00:04:27,310
You don't look at him and go,
"Okay, that's stable Uncle Jerry."
104
00:04:27,376 --> 00:04:28,210
[laughter]
105
00:04:31,113 --> 00:04:33,883
Do they... So neither of them
believe in global warming?
106
00:04:33,949 --> 00:04:37,787
No, my sister's church think it's caused
by, like, homosexual marriage.
107
00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:39,822
[laughter]
108
00:04:40,423 --> 00:04:41,657
So... I don't know.
109
00:04:42,124 --> 00:04:43,326
[laughter]
110
00:04:43,392 --> 00:04:45,428
You think homosexual marriage
might be the problem?
111
00:04:45,494 --> 00:04:47,229
For global warming?
112
00:04:48,130 --> 00:04:49,699
It's pretty hot, I guess.
113
00:04:49,765 --> 00:04:51,634
[laughter]
114
00:04:51,701 --> 00:04:53,836
[applause, hollering]
115
00:04:56,839 --> 00:04:58,240
Why do religious people think
116
00:04:58,307 --> 00:05:01,143
it's always gays and abortions
that start all the floods?
117
00:05:01,210 --> 00:05:04,513
Like it's not Harvey Weinstein and
Bill Cosby fucking everybody?
118
00:05:04,580 --> 00:05:06,615
-[applause]
-It's not that.
119
00:05:07,983 --> 00:05:10,820
How environmentally aware are you?
Do you recycle?
120
00:05:10,886 --> 00:05:12,188
No, I do not...
121
00:05:12,722 --> 00:05:13,656
[laughter]
122
00:05:13,723 --> 00:05:14,757
...recycle.
123
00:05:14,824 --> 00:05:17,827
I've been known to date
the odd married man. I've done that.
124
00:05:17,893 --> 00:05:19,762
-[laughter]
-But...
125
00:05:22,164 --> 00:05:24,834
That's not the kind of recycling
we're talking about.
126
00:05:24,900 --> 00:05:26,402
I don't have to.
127
00:05:26,469 --> 00:05:28,704
Because I'm a very good girl
every Christmas
128
00:05:28,771 --> 00:05:31,107
and my contribution to coal is low.
129
00:05:31,874 --> 00:05:34,176
And it's an unpopular opinion,
130
00:05:34,243 --> 00:05:35,745
but someone has to say it,
131
00:05:35,811 --> 00:05:37,513
polar bears needed to lose weight.
132
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:40,015
[laughter, applause]
133
00:05:40,082 --> 00:05:40,950
How...
134
00:05:41,984 --> 00:05:43,753
How did that get applause?
135
00:05:43,819 --> 00:05:44,754
[laughter]
136
00:05:44,820 --> 00:05:46,522
Where are we finding these people
that went,
137
00:05:46,589 --> 00:05:48,824
"Yeah, those polar bears
have had it too easy too long"?
138
00:05:48,891 --> 00:05:49,792
[laughter]
139
00:05:50,259 --> 00:05:52,061
Okay, here's a question.
What worries you most?
140
00:05:52,128 --> 00:05:55,898
Rising sea levels, extreme weather,
mass extinction? What do you think?
141
00:05:55,965 --> 00:05:57,299
Well, I'm a black man,
142
00:05:57,366 --> 00:06:00,102
so we've been worried about
mass extinction for a long time, so...
143
00:06:00,169 --> 00:06:01,370
[laughter]
144
00:06:03,172 --> 00:06:06,909
If it's a little hot when we get there,
ah, fuck it, it'll be alright.
145
00:06:06,976 --> 00:06:07,877
[laughter]
146
00:06:07,943 --> 00:06:09,545
I'm going to jump off that.
147
00:06:09,612 --> 00:06:13,048
I guess we'll go with the rising
sea levels because of the swimming.
148
00:06:13,115 --> 00:06:14,750
[laughter]
149
00:06:15,117 --> 00:06:16,652
-Because of the swimming?
-Mm-hmm.
150
00:06:17,286 --> 00:06:19,221
I'm making racial jokes.
151
00:06:19,288 --> 00:06:22,458
[laughter and applause]
152
00:06:22,525 --> 00:06:25,161
What does worry you the most
about global warming and climate change?
153
00:06:26,262 --> 00:06:30,266
I mean, mostly my popsicle bill
is crazy now.
154
00:06:30,332 --> 00:06:31,567
[laughter]
155
00:06:34,170 --> 00:06:36,105
What do you really want me to do?
156
00:06:37,406 --> 00:06:40,342
Apply yourself to this problem
and come up with a solution.
157
00:06:40,409 --> 00:06:43,078
Okay, let's... stay inside.
158
00:06:43,145 --> 00:06:44,213
[laughter]
159
00:06:47,750 --> 00:06:49,418
Okay, Katherine, what do you think?
160
00:06:49,485 --> 00:06:51,687
I'm most worried about the Chinese...
161
00:06:52,087 --> 00:06:52,922
who...
162
00:06:53,389 --> 00:06:55,524
invented global warming as a hoax
163
00:06:55,591 --> 00:06:58,027
to undermine
the American manufacturing industry.
164
00:06:58,093 --> 00:06:59,395
[laughter]
165
00:06:59,462 --> 00:07:02,465
Are you being paid by someone
to say that, Katherine?
166
00:07:02,531 --> 00:07:04,033
I enjoy Exxon.
167
00:07:04,433 --> 00:07:06,302
[laughter]
168
00:07:07,703 --> 00:07:10,372
In 1920, Jimmy, they were worried
about global cooling.
169
00:07:10,439 --> 00:07:11,507
Did that happen?
170
00:07:11,574 --> 00:07:12,575
Give me a break.
171
00:07:13,042 --> 00:07:14,844
[laughter]
172
00:07:16,078 --> 00:07:17,513
You can't prove it exists.
173
00:07:17,580 --> 00:07:19,982
There are a lot of people
who believe that it doesn't and I...
174
00:07:20,449 --> 00:07:21,717
am joining them.
175
00:07:22,351 --> 00:07:23,452
[laughter]
176
00:07:23,519 --> 00:07:27,857
97% of scientists think global warming
is a real thing caused by man.
177
00:07:27,923 --> 00:07:30,192
I'm just trying to give a voice
to the American people.
178
00:07:30,259 --> 00:07:32,161
Any idiot can do that now and win.
179
00:07:32,228 --> 00:07:34,330
[laughter]
180
00:07:34,396 --> 00:07:35,865
[applause, hollering]
181
00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:39,001
Vote for me.
182
00:07:39,401 --> 00:07:42,271
Okay, now we all think
we know what causes global warming,
183
00:07:42,338 --> 00:07:45,341
but there are lots of ways we're
contributing without even knowing it.
184
00:07:45,407 --> 00:07:49,011
DL, Ron, pick a picture and I'll tell you
a way that we're ruining the world.-6543
185
00:07:49,778 --> 00:07:51,614
[Ron] I want this old guy eating a burger.
186
00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,148
He looks like he's having a good time.
187
00:07:53,215 --> 00:07:55,518
[Carr] So you've chosen
the person eating a cheeseburger.
188
00:07:55,584 --> 00:07:57,119
The production of one cheeseburger
189
00:07:57,186 --> 00:08:00,422
causes 6.1kg of CO2 emissions.
190
00:08:00,489 --> 00:08:01,657
-Jesus.
-Oh, okay.
191
00:08:01,724 --> 00:08:04,426
That's largely down to the methane
produced in farming beef.
192
00:08:04,493 --> 00:08:06,228
In other words, cow farts.
193
00:08:06,295 --> 00:08:07,263
[laughter]
194
00:08:07,329 --> 00:08:09,365
-DL, do you eat a lot of cheeseburgers?
-I do not.
195
00:08:09,431 --> 00:08:10,766
How do we know this is real?
196
00:08:10,833 --> 00:08:13,102
Maybe Chick-fil-A put you up to this shit.
197
00:08:13,168 --> 00:08:14,803
[laughter]
198
00:08:15,638 --> 00:08:16,505
It's true.
199
00:08:16,572 --> 00:08:19,008
[Carr laughs hysterically]
200
00:08:19,608 --> 00:08:20,776
[applause]
201
00:08:20,843 --> 00:08:23,913
Yeah. Yeah, that's the problem
with Chick-fil-A.
202
00:08:23,979 --> 00:08:25,848
[laughter]
203
00:08:27,149 --> 00:08:28,751
Ron, do you eat a lot of cheeseburgers?
204
00:08:29,218 --> 00:08:30,719
-Yeah.
-[laughter]
205
00:08:30,786 --> 00:08:32,421
Would that stop you eating cheeseburgers?
206
00:08:32,488 --> 00:08:33,455
No.
207
00:08:33,522 --> 00:08:34,623
[laughter]
208
00:08:34,690 --> 00:08:37,359
Jimmy, I don't know if you know about me,
209
00:08:37,426 --> 00:08:39,895
but I lost, like, 140lb. Like...
210
00:08:39,962 --> 00:08:41,964
[cheering and applause]
211
00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:47,937
I work out six days a week,
Monday through Friday.
212
00:08:48,003 --> 00:08:50,205
I drink a protein shake for lunch
every day
213
00:08:50,272 --> 00:08:54,143
and I do that just so on Saturday
I can eat a fucking cheeseburger.
214
00:08:54,443 --> 00:08:56,445
[applause, laughter]
215
00:08:57,446 --> 00:08:59,114
Nobody's taking that from me.
216
00:08:59,481 --> 00:09:00,382
[laughter]
217
00:09:00,449 --> 00:09:02,384
Not you, not science.
218
00:09:02,451 --> 00:09:03,719
Not India.
219
00:09:03,786 --> 00:09:05,521
-Nobody.
-[laughter]
220
00:09:05,588 --> 00:09:08,657
Well, I'll call my friends
India and science
221
00:09:08,724 --> 00:09:11,894
-and I'll tell them to back off.
-Tell them I've got beef with them!
222
00:09:11,961 --> 00:09:13,128
[laughter]
223
00:09:14,163 --> 00:09:16,165
Sasheer, Katherine,
what would you like to pick?
224
00:09:16,231 --> 00:09:17,166
Um...
225
00:09:17,232 --> 00:09:18,400
The ba...
226
00:09:18,467 --> 00:09:20,603
There's no... You don't win anything.
227
00:09:22,104 --> 00:09:24,006
Let's do the toilet.
228
00:09:24,073 --> 00:09:24,974
[Carr] Okay.
229
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:26,809
[Sasheer]
She's so close. She could just go.
230
00:09:26,875 --> 00:09:28,611
-Why is she...
-[laughter]
231
00:09:29,078 --> 00:09:30,179
Why is she holding it?
232
00:09:30,245 --> 00:09:31,113
Just go.
233
00:09:31,647 --> 00:09:32,848
[laughter]
234
00:09:34,683 --> 00:09:36,719
Okay, so you've chosen
the person needing the toilet.
235
00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:38,821
We all know air travel
is bad for the environment,
236
00:09:38,887 --> 00:09:41,957
but did you know having a full bladder
makes it worse?
237
00:09:42,024 --> 00:09:44,627
If every passenger on a plane
has a full bladder,
238
00:09:44,693 --> 00:09:46,695
it adds an extra 240lb of weight
239
00:09:46,762 --> 00:09:48,731
and therefore the plane uses more fuel.
240
00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:50,966
So, in Japan, an airline
has encouraged everyone
241
00:09:51,033 --> 00:09:53,435
to visit the washroom
before they get on the plane.
242
00:09:53,902 --> 00:09:55,604
Oh, well, that sounds like my mom.
243
00:09:55,671 --> 00:09:57,306
[laughter]
244
00:09:57,773 --> 00:10:00,843
"Make sure you go to the bathroom
before we leave." You know?
245
00:10:00,909 --> 00:10:03,012
Actually very environmentally sound
advice.
246
00:10:03,078 --> 00:10:03,912
Yeah.
247
00:10:04,313 --> 00:10:05,981
I think it's common courtesy
248
00:10:06,048 --> 00:10:09,084
not to go to the bathroom on a plane
if you can avoid it.
249
00:10:09,151 --> 00:10:10,953
I think just please don't. Why...
250
00:10:11,020 --> 00:10:13,522
Sometimes as soon as you're on the plane,
people use the bathroom.
251
00:10:13,589 --> 00:10:14,623
Those are my enemies.
252
00:10:15,224 --> 00:10:16,625
[laughter]
253
00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:19,094
DL, what do you think of that?
254
00:10:19,161 --> 00:10:21,630
Would that make you pee
before you got on the plane?
255
00:10:21,697 --> 00:10:24,333
Not as much as I paid for first-class
tickets. I'm peeing while I go.
256
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:25,968
[laughter]
257
00:10:26,035 --> 00:10:27,102
You're going...
258
00:10:27,169 --> 00:10:28,504
[applause]
259
00:10:28,570 --> 00:10:31,073
You're going to take care of me and my pee
in first class.
260
00:10:31,140 --> 00:10:33,909
What's your...
What's your airplane routine, Ron?
261
00:10:33,976 --> 00:10:35,177
Oh, okay.
262
00:10:35,244 --> 00:10:37,246
Normally, I get through security
263
00:10:37,312 --> 00:10:39,848
and then I make a cross
because I got all my drugs through.
264
00:10:39,915 --> 00:10:41,817
[laughter]
265
00:10:45,788 --> 00:10:47,489
Then I get on that plane, I board.
266
00:10:47,556 --> 00:10:51,260
Hopefully I'm in first class,
but not always. I'm not up where DL is.
267
00:10:51,827 --> 00:10:53,896
[laughter]
268
00:10:55,064 --> 00:10:57,399
Then I put on my headphones,
I listen to a podcast
269
00:10:57,466 --> 00:10:59,535
and then I wait
for everybody to calm down.
270
00:10:59,601 --> 00:11:03,405
Then I go in the bathroom and I pee
and I vape weed in there. It's great.
271
00:11:03,806 --> 00:11:05,107
[laughter]
272
00:11:05,174 --> 00:11:06,008
[Carr] Okay.
273
00:11:06,075 --> 00:11:08,010
Are you a member of the mile high club?
274
00:11:08,077 --> 00:11:10,012
No. I mean, do people really do that?
275
00:11:10,079 --> 00:11:11,180
That sounds horrible.
276
00:11:11,246 --> 00:11:12,815
[laughter]
277
00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:13,716
I think they do.
278
00:11:13,782 --> 00:11:16,685
"The mile high club"
makes it sound very glamorous,
279
00:11:16,752 --> 00:11:19,088
but what they're saying is
"We had sex in a chemical toilet."
280
00:11:19,154 --> 00:11:22,057
Yeah. If you're fucking in a plane,
you just...
281
00:11:22,124 --> 00:11:23,726
What, is this Spirit Airlines?
282
00:11:23,792 --> 00:11:25,728
[laughter]
283
00:11:27,062 --> 00:11:29,264
[applause, hollering]
284
00:11:31,233 --> 00:11:32,367
Okay, pick a picture,
285
00:11:32,434 --> 00:11:33,368
Ron, DL.
286
00:11:33,435 --> 00:11:35,504
The lady holding the urn
with "Albert" on it.
287
00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:37,806
She looks pretty pleased he's dead,
doesn't she?
288
00:11:37,873 --> 00:11:39,274
[laughter]
289
00:11:39,341 --> 00:11:40,309
She did it.
290
00:11:40,375 --> 00:11:42,444
She definitely killed him. 100%, yeah.
291
00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:44,613
Also, how big was Albert?
292
00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:46,482
[laughter]
293
00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:50,252
-That's a massive urn right there.
-Fat Albert.
294
00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:51,887
Is that Fat Albert?
295
00:11:51,954 --> 00:11:53,455
[laughter]
296
00:11:54,289 --> 00:11:55,924
Okay, every year in the US,
297
00:11:55,991 --> 00:11:58,694
about 250,000 tons of CO2
298
00:11:58,761 --> 00:12:01,363
are released due to the cremation
of human bodies.
299
00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:06,101
That's the equivalent of the damage done
by 41,000 cars.
300
00:12:06,168 --> 00:12:08,937
Well, that's because Americans
are so fat right now.
301
00:12:09,571 --> 00:12:11,673
We could solve that problem
by skipping breakfast.
302
00:12:11,740 --> 00:12:13,308
[laughter]
303
00:12:13,375 --> 00:12:16,478
I don't want to be cremated.
I just want to be shot into space.
304
00:12:16,812 --> 00:12:18,514
[laughter]
305
00:12:18,580 --> 00:12:20,282
Just shoot me into space--
306
00:12:20,349 --> 00:12:23,385
Sorry, is this after you're dead or would
you like that to be cause of death?
307
00:12:23,452 --> 00:12:24,753
Honestly, I would do it now.
308
00:12:25,487 --> 00:12:26,989
Get me out of here.
309
00:12:28,090 --> 00:12:31,660
Okay, the most environmentally friendly
way to get rid of a body is this.
310
00:12:31,727 --> 00:12:32,761
The body suit.
311
00:12:32,828 --> 00:12:37,432
Within it there are special mushrooms
that will sort of absorb and eat your body
312
00:12:37,499 --> 00:12:39,535
in a very environmentally friendly way.
313
00:12:39,601 --> 00:12:40,736
It's like a death suit.
314
00:12:40,803 --> 00:12:42,104
[laughter]
315
00:12:42,171 --> 00:12:43,806
Happy birthday, Grandma.
316
00:12:43,872 --> 00:12:44,773
[laughter]
317
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:46,809
I don't know why it has buttons though.
318
00:12:46,875 --> 00:12:49,945
Someone's trying to look
at these dead titties? Like why...
319
00:12:50,012 --> 00:12:51,380
[laughter]
320
00:12:51,446 --> 00:12:52,915
You'd be surprised.
321
00:12:53,315 --> 00:12:54,983
It's true.
322
00:12:55,484 --> 00:12:57,986
I've got friends that just dress like this
to go to raves though.
323
00:12:58,053 --> 00:12:59,521
[laughter]
324
00:13:00,656 --> 00:13:03,258
What do you think of that? Being eaten
by mushrooms after you die.
325
00:13:03,325 --> 00:13:05,194
You eat mushrooms a lot now.
It seems only fair.
326
00:13:05,260 --> 00:13:08,297
Yeah, it sounds fun.
It sounds like the circle of life to me.
327
00:13:08,363 --> 00:13:09,298
[laughter]
328
00:13:09,364 --> 00:13:11,834
I eat mushrooms
and then I become mushrooms
329
00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:14,803
and then my friends eat those mushrooms
and then they get high
330
00:13:14,870 --> 00:13:16,238
and then they see me.
331
00:13:16,305 --> 00:13:17,906
[laughter]
332
00:13:18,674 --> 00:13:19,541
Sure.
333
00:13:21,076 --> 00:13:22,010
Have you got...
334
00:13:22,077 --> 00:13:24,112
[applause]
335
00:13:25,047 --> 00:13:28,217
Have you got a plan for your funeral?
Do you know what's going to happen?
336
00:13:28,283 --> 00:13:29,818
Thank you for asking.
337
00:13:29,885 --> 00:13:31,587
[laughter]
338
00:13:31,653 --> 00:13:34,389
Go on, what's the... Is it cremation,
burial? What sort of thing?
339
00:13:34,456 --> 00:13:36,358
Okay, if I'm single when I die,
340
00:13:36,425 --> 00:13:37,426
I just want to be buried.
341
00:13:37,492 --> 00:13:38,861
Just get rid of me.
342
00:13:38,927 --> 00:13:40,495
But if I'm married,
343
00:13:40,562 --> 00:13:43,699
I want to be turned into, like,
an animatronic robot...
344
00:13:44,499 --> 00:13:46,735
and just put on my couch,
so then when she...
345
00:13:46,802 --> 00:13:48,103
I want her to move on and date,
346
00:13:48,170 --> 00:13:50,038
but then, when they come over,
I want to be like,
347
00:13:50,105 --> 00:13:52,074
"Oh, so you think you can replace me?"
348
00:13:52,140 --> 00:13:54,376
[laughter]
349
00:13:55,310 --> 00:13:56,712
[applause]
350
00:13:56,778 --> 00:13:57,779
[DL] That's dope.
351
00:13:58,614 --> 00:14:00,148
DL, what are your funeral plans?
352
00:14:00,215 --> 00:14:01,717
I hope I'm surprised.
353
00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:04,253
[laughter]
354
00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:07,022
"Guess what day it is?"
355
00:14:07,689 --> 00:14:09,758
[laughter]
356
00:14:10,792 --> 00:14:13,262
Okay, here on The Fix,
we have our very own data expert.
357
00:14:13,328 --> 00:14:14,796
Please welcome Mona Chalabi!
358
00:14:15,430 --> 00:14:17,432
[cheering and applause]
359
00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:18,967
[Mona] Hi!
360
00:14:21,503 --> 00:14:24,239
Hey, Mona. So we're looking for data
on global warming.
361
00:14:24,306 --> 00:14:25,407
What have you got for us?
362
00:14:25,474 --> 00:14:28,543
Well, Jimmy, we all know which countries
are the big main polluters.
363
00:14:28,610 --> 00:14:30,612
China, the US, India, and Russia.
364
00:14:30,679 --> 00:14:31,880
But that's hardly surprising.
365
00:14:31,947 --> 00:14:35,684
They all have huge populations
that inevitably consume more energy.
366
00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:39,521
So I wondered whether the list of
the biggest polluters would look different
367
00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:42,057
if you took population size into account.
368
00:14:42,124 --> 00:14:43,558
And it turns out it does.
369
00:14:43,625 --> 00:14:45,560
Let me show you how
with some illustrations.
370
00:14:46,061 --> 00:14:50,799
With 13.5 metric tons of carbon
produced per person per year,
371
00:14:50,866 --> 00:14:52,701
there's one country
that's clearly culpable.
372
00:14:52,768 --> 00:14:53,769
Qatar.
373
00:14:53,835 --> 00:14:55,604
But before we blame Qatar too much,
374
00:14:55,671 --> 00:14:57,906
it's worth considering
why this tiny nation
375
00:14:57,973 --> 00:15:00,509
with a population
of less than three million people
376
00:15:00,575 --> 00:15:02,077
guzzles this much carbon.
377
00:15:02,477 --> 00:15:05,480
It's because Qatar extracts
petroleum and natural gas,
378
00:15:05,547 --> 00:15:07,549
which it then exports
to the rest of the world.
379
00:15:07,616 --> 00:15:09,818
It's no wonder then
that other energy exporters,
380
00:15:09,885 --> 00:15:12,421
like Kuwait, the United Arab Emirates
and Bahrain
381
00:15:12,487 --> 00:15:15,157
are also among the biggest polluters
per person.
382
00:15:15,624 --> 00:15:18,427
The other big offenders on the list
also have something in common.
383
00:15:18,493 --> 00:15:22,364
Islands like Trinidad and Tobago,
Curacao and Sint Maarten
384
00:15:22,431 --> 00:15:24,967
are all popular vacation destinations.
385
00:15:25,033 --> 00:15:28,971
We show up as tourists,
stay in huge, energy-wasting hotels,
386
00:15:29,037 --> 00:15:31,273
bump up their per capita CO2 emissions
387
00:15:31,340 --> 00:15:32,708
and then disappear again.
388
00:15:33,175 --> 00:15:36,078
So even though this new list
of the biggest polluting nations
389
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:38,413
paints a different picture
to what we might expect,
390
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,048
it's still all our faults.
391
00:15:40,582 --> 00:15:41,516
That's extraordinary.
392
00:15:41,583 --> 00:15:44,453
You're saying these tiny nations
are actually worse environmental polluters
393
00:15:44,519 --> 00:15:45,554
than the big nations.
394
00:15:45,620 --> 00:15:47,356
If you look at it
on a per person basis, yeah.
395
00:15:47,422 --> 00:15:50,125
Where's the best place?
Where's got the lowest emissions?
396
00:15:50,192 --> 00:15:51,026
It's Tuvalu.
397
00:15:51,093 --> 00:15:52,427
-What, sorry?
-Tuvalu.
398
00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:54,129
-What's Tuvalu?
-It's a country.
399
00:15:54,196 --> 00:15:56,198
Which is near...
400
00:15:58,066 --> 00:15:59,701
[laughter]
401
00:15:59,768 --> 00:16:01,336
I'm sorry, Mona, the data expert.
402
00:16:01,403 --> 00:16:03,872
I think it's a West African country.
Does anyone here know?
403
00:16:03,939 --> 00:16:05,107
What do you...
404
00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:06,842
-[DL] Oh, blame it--
-No-one here knows.
405
00:16:06,908 --> 00:16:09,711
-Blame it on the West Africans!
-[laughter]
406
00:16:09,778 --> 00:16:12,180
Okay, I've just been told in my ear
it's near Fiji,
407
00:16:12,247 --> 00:16:14,449
so you could not have been more wrong.
408
00:16:14,516 --> 00:16:16,151
[laughter]
409
00:16:17,152 --> 00:16:19,554
I mean, Mona, I understand
you turned up here on the first day
410
00:16:19,621 --> 00:16:22,791
and you said, "I'm a data expert,"
and we all went, "I guess she is."
411
00:16:22,858 --> 00:16:24,593
-Not geography!
-Who would lie about that?
412
00:16:24,659 --> 00:16:25,927
-Not geography.
-Turns out...
413
00:16:25,994 --> 00:16:27,929
Bullshit, Mona. Bullshit.
414
00:16:27,996 --> 00:16:29,331
[laughter]
415
00:16:29,965 --> 00:16:31,266
You've no idea.
416
00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:33,468
Ask me again.
417
00:16:34,870 --> 00:16:36,038
Where's Tuvalu?
418
00:16:36,104 --> 00:16:37,639
Well, it's actually near Fiji.
419
00:16:38,073 --> 00:16:40,175
[laughter]
420
00:16:40,242 --> 00:16:41,076
[Carr] Really?
421
00:16:42,077 --> 00:16:43,011
Really, Mona?
422
00:16:44,446 --> 00:16:46,048
Okay, what else have you got for us?
423
00:16:46,114 --> 00:16:48,517
So, Jimmy,
we know that global warming is happening
424
00:16:48,583 --> 00:16:50,552
and that, because of it,
sea levels are rising.
425
00:16:51,019 --> 00:16:54,056
But it can be hard to grasp
what the numbers mean in real terms.
426
00:16:54,122 --> 00:16:55,891
With the help
of some illustrations I've made,
427
00:16:55,957 --> 00:16:58,560
I wanted to explain
and make it all a bit more relatable.
428
00:16:58,627 --> 00:17:02,431
Let's just look at very recent history.
The past 25 years.
429
00:17:02,497 --> 00:17:05,200
Between 1993 and 1994 alone,
430
00:17:05,267 --> 00:17:07,903
the world's sea levels rose by 7mm,
431
00:17:07,969 --> 00:17:09,404
about a quarter of an inch.
432
00:17:09,471 --> 00:17:10,505
If you can't imagine that,
433
00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:13,141
that's about the length
of your nail on your little finger.
434
00:17:13,208 --> 00:17:14,943
Levels have kept rising and rising
435
00:17:15,010 --> 00:17:16,711
so that, by the year 1997,
436
00:17:16,778 --> 00:17:20,482
the world's seas were 18mm higher
than they were in 1993.
437
00:17:20,882 --> 00:17:24,219
To help you understand, that's the size
of an average human testicle.
438
00:17:24,686 --> 00:17:26,688
[laughter]
439
00:17:30,392 --> 00:17:31,359
Really, Mona?
440
00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:32,627
[laughter]
441
00:17:32,694 --> 00:17:35,097
You're a data expert
442
00:17:35,163 --> 00:17:38,066
and you thought, "Well, this is the only
thing that people will understand"?
443
00:17:38,133 --> 00:17:40,001
-Did you understand it, Jimmy?
-I do understand.
444
00:17:40,068 --> 00:17:40,902
There you go.
445
00:17:41,303 --> 00:17:43,839
Although one of mine
is bigger than the other two.
446
00:17:43,905 --> 00:17:45,006
Statistically...
447
00:17:45,073 --> 00:17:47,075
[laughter]
448
00:17:51,980 --> 00:17:56,351
I mean, who are these scientists
teabagging their balls into the sea?
449
00:17:56,418 --> 00:17:58,420
[laughter]
450
00:17:59,454 --> 00:18:00,922
I'm using the analogies.
451
00:18:01,923 --> 00:18:04,326
Maybe the water's not rising.
Maybe his balls are dropping.
452
00:18:04,392 --> 00:18:05,527
We don't know if it's...
453
00:18:05,594 --> 00:18:07,095
[laughter]
454
00:18:08,096 --> 00:18:08,930
Why don't...
455
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,869
We're all getting older, DL.
We're all getting older.
456
00:18:13,935 --> 00:18:15,737
Okay, Mona, get back to it.
457
00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:18,440
But what about
the current state of affairs?
458
00:18:19,074 --> 00:18:23,478
Sea levels are now 87mm higher
than they were just 25 years ago.
459
00:18:23,545 --> 00:18:27,315
Almost 3.5 inches. That's about the length
of a middle finger.
460
00:18:27,849 --> 00:18:30,085
So what?
What's a few inches between friends?
461
00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:32,687
Well, our world wasn't built
for these changes.
462
00:18:32,754 --> 00:18:34,055
if current trends continue,
463
00:18:34,122 --> 00:18:37,559
millions of people in cities
like Rio de Janeiro, Shanghai and Miami
464
00:18:37,626 --> 00:18:40,629
will see their homes and livelihoods
destroyed as the water rises.
465
00:18:40,695 --> 00:18:44,766
Even worse, as early as 2085,
an entire nation, the Maldives,
466
00:18:44,833 --> 00:18:47,202
will completely disappear
under rising seas.
467
00:18:47,269 --> 00:18:49,404
So you're saying that the problem is...
468
00:18:50,639 --> 00:18:52,407
[laughter]
469
00:18:52,474 --> 00:18:53,475
Kind of, yeah.
470
00:18:53,542 --> 00:18:55,143
But if we do nothing, Florida goes away?
471
00:18:55,544 --> 00:18:57,045
[laughter]
472
00:18:57,112 --> 00:18:58,113
Fuck it. Alright.
473
00:18:58,647 --> 00:19:00,949
[applause]
474
00:19:02,083 --> 00:19:04,052
Fascinating stuff.
Thank you very much indeed, Mona.
475
00:19:04,119 --> 00:19:05,587
Thank you.
476
00:19:05,654 --> 00:19:07,455
[cheering, applause]
477
00:19:07,923 --> 00:19:10,458
Right, let's get to the heart of the show.
Let's get to the fixes.
478
00:19:10,525 --> 00:19:11,593
DL's going to go first
479
00:19:11,660 --> 00:19:14,930
because he's got a carbon footprint
like a fracking Wookie.
480
00:19:15,597 --> 00:19:17,299
Please give it up for DL Hughley!
481
00:19:17,365 --> 00:19:19,634
[cheering, applause]
482
00:19:22,771 --> 00:19:26,174
By 2020, the Earth is likely to be
1.5 degrees warmer.
483
00:19:26,241 --> 00:19:29,811
And since we're not going to stop burning
fossil fuels and using plastic bags,
484
00:19:29,878 --> 00:19:31,446
we need a quick fix.
485
00:19:31,513 --> 00:19:32,914
And that fix is...
486
00:19:32,981 --> 00:19:34,983
to explode a volcano.
487
00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:36,117
[laughter]
488
00:19:36,184 --> 00:19:37,452
Yeah, I know that seems crazy,
489
00:19:37,519 --> 00:19:40,021
but, at one point,
so did having a black president.
490
00:19:40,088 --> 00:19:41,690
[laughter]
491
00:19:41,756 --> 00:19:45,026
In 1991, a volcano in the Philippines
erupted, blocked the sun's rays
492
00:19:45,093 --> 00:19:48,930
and made the Earth one degree cooler,
like a big ass pair of Ray-Bans.
493
00:19:49,898 --> 00:19:53,935
So let's find some volcano in the middle
of the ocean far away from civilization
494
00:19:54,002 --> 00:19:55,370
and blow it the F up.
495
00:19:55,437 --> 00:19:56,905
[laughter]
496
00:19:56,972 --> 00:19:59,608
Full disclosure, there are going to be
some unfortunate side effects
497
00:19:59,674 --> 00:20:00,709
to a volcano going up,
498
00:20:00,775 --> 00:20:05,981
but here to make them feel not so bad
is an adorable kid scientist.
499
00:20:06,047 --> 00:20:08,316
[cheering and applause]
500
00:20:10,685 --> 00:20:12,921
Side effects include ash clouds,
501
00:20:12,988 --> 00:20:16,091
poisoned water, acid rain, volcanic winter
502
00:20:16,157 --> 00:20:18,393
and, finally, mass extinction.
503
00:20:18,460 --> 00:20:19,427
The end.
504
00:20:19,861 --> 00:20:21,096
[laughter]
505
00:20:21,162 --> 00:20:22,564
Pay no attention to the kid.
506
00:20:22,631 --> 00:20:26,201
Remember that this eruption will solve
global warming and save our planet.
507
00:20:26,268 --> 00:20:27,102
Hit it.
508
00:20:27,869 --> 00:20:28,870
[rumbling]
509
00:20:31,573 --> 00:20:33,241
[applause]
510
00:20:34,476 --> 00:20:35,810
[laughter]
511
00:20:39,447 --> 00:20:41,383
Volcanoes are yay!
512
00:20:41,816 --> 00:20:43,885
Let's hear it
for our adorable child scientist!
513
00:20:43,952 --> 00:20:45,353
Thank you very much.
514
00:20:45,420 --> 00:20:47,022
[applause]
515
00:20:50,392 --> 00:20:52,527
Okay. Ron, what do you love
about this idea?
516
00:20:52,594 --> 00:20:53,662
[blows raspberry]
517
00:20:54,162 --> 00:20:55,430
There's so many things.
518
00:20:56,464 --> 00:21:00,168
I mean, as a famous scientist once said,
"Volcanoes are yay."
519
00:21:00,235 --> 00:21:01,369
We all know that.
520
00:21:01,436 --> 00:21:02,570
[laughter]
521
00:21:06,074 --> 00:21:06,975
And it's an easy plan.
522
00:21:07,042 --> 00:21:10,578
All we really need is a bunch of Mentos
and Coca-Cola apparently.
523
00:21:10,645 --> 00:21:11,846
[laughter]
524
00:21:11,913 --> 00:21:14,549
So this idea is based on real science.
525
00:21:14,616 --> 00:21:16,051
When Krakatoa exploded,
526
00:21:16,117 --> 00:21:19,954
the Earth's temperature cooled
by 2.1 degrees Fahrenheit.
527
00:21:20,021 --> 00:21:22,123
So this is a real thing
that could really work.
528
00:21:22,190 --> 00:21:24,693
The thing I love about it
is you're fighting fire with fire.
529
00:21:24,759 --> 00:21:25,760
Absolutely.
530
00:21:25,827 --> 00:21:27,362
It's an absolutely brilliant plan, DL.
531
00:21:27,429 --> 00:21:29,831
When I first thought
you were going to blow up the Philippines,
532
00:21:29,898 --> 00:21:31,066
I was on the fence.
533
00:21:31,132 --> 00:21:33,134
I was like, "Well, I don't know."
534
00:21:33,201 --> 00:21:36,104
But now that I hear it's in the ocean,
great.
535
00:21:36,905 --> 00:21:41,142
Also, I was in a relationship
when a volcano erupted
536
00:21:41,209 --> 00:21:43,578
and some ash made it
so that people couldn't fly.
537
00:21:43,645 --> 00:21:45,880
-Do you remember that?
-I remember that. Yes, in Iceland.
538
00:21:45,947 --> 00:21:47,916
Yes! And my partner got trapped
in Amsterdam
539
00:21:47,982 --> 00:21:50,318
and it was a lovely five days.
540
00:21:50,618 --> 00:21:51,720
[laughter]
541
00:21:51,786 --> 00:21:55,957
It was the break I needed to cool off and
realize I was better without him, so...
542
00:21:56,024 --> 00:21:57,325
[laughter]
543
00:21:57,392 --> 00:21:58,426
[Carr] There's benefits.
544
00:21:58,827 --> 00:22:01,396
Okay, put your hands together,
ladies and gentlemen, for volcanoes!
545
00:22:01,463 --> 00:22:03,498
[applause]
546
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,269
Now, Katherine, you've got
a vested interest in environmentalism,
547
00:22:08,336 --> 00:22:11,239
because you've got more plastic in you
than a suffocating sea turtle.
548
00:22:11,306 --> 00:22:12,674
Let's hear your team's fix.
549
00:22:12,741 --> 00:22:13,575
Katherine Ryan!
550
00:22:13,641 --> 00:22:15,977
[cheering and applause]
551
00:22:19,447 --> 00:22:21,349
Multiple lines of scientific evidence
552
00:22:21,416 --> 00:22:23,752
show that the Earth's temperature
is rising
553
00:22:23,818 --> 00:22:27,722
and that it's extremely likely that human
influence has been the dominant cause.
554
00:22:27,789 --> 00:22:29,858
We can reverse global warming, Jimmy,
555
00:22:29,924 --> 00:22:34,963
and we're going to do it
with a vegan rebrand. Huh?
556
00:22:35,430 --> 00:22:40,502
Greenhouse gas emissions would be reduced
by 70% if we all went vegan tomorrow.
557
00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:43,905
But less than 1%
of the world's population are,
558
00:22:43,972 --> 00:22:45,774
because vegans are wankers.
559
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:50,345
And most of us would rather die
and watch the planet burn than join them.
560
00:22:50,645 --> 00:22:51,513
[laughter]
561
00:22:51,579 --> 00:22:53,648
Vegans are terrible ambassadors
for themselves,
562
00:22:53,715 --> 00:22:56,217
who maliciously parade
their moral superiority
563
00:22:56,284 --> 00:22:58,219
around my Buffalo chicken salad.
564
00:22:58,453 --> 00:22:59,387
[laughter]
565
00:22:59,454 --> 00:23:02,190
"Oh, my God, I'm such a good person."
566
00:23:02,257 --> 00:23:06,094
Then why have you posted a baby cow
snuff film to my Facebook feed, Blake?
567
00:23:06,161 --> 00:23:07,328
[laughter]
568
00:23:07,395 --> 00:23:12,834
"Yes, do you know what's actually in milk?
I would never put that in my body."
569
00:23:12,901 --> 00:23:16,838
Cool. Except, right now, I'm watching you
snort cocaine off a stranger's ass.
570
00:23:16,905 --> 00:23:18,640
[laughter]
571
00:23:19,641 --> 00:23:21,309
[applause]
572
00:23:21,376 --> 00:23:25,547
I wore imitation fur one time and a vegan
named Shandala yelled at me
573
00:23:25,613 --> 00:23:28,249
because she said
I was glorifying real fur.
574
00:23:28,316 --> 00:23:30,485
Well, guess what, Shandala.
575
00:23:30,552 --> 00:23:33,321
I lied. It was real fur the whole time...
576
00:23:33,388 --> 00:23:34,222
[laughter]
577
00:23:34,289 --> 00:23:36,524
...you vitamin deficient bitch.
578
00:23:36,591 --> 00:23:37,559
[laughter]
579
00:23:37,625 --> 00:23:38,760
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
580
00:23:38,827 --> 00:23:41,296
Vegans are desperate.
They're smelly and annoying.
581
00:23:41,729 --> 00:23:43,798
-[laughter]
-But they are right.
582
00:23:43,865 --> 00:23:46,534
So we need to help them
make veganism cool.
583
00:23:46,968 --> 00:23:49,537
Here's how my three-step
training program works.
584
00:23:49,604 --> 00:23:51,606
Step one, stop the shame.
585
00:23:51,673 --> 00:23:54,209
I already know meat is delicious murder.
586
00:23:54,275 --> 00:23:55,610
I don't need to see it.
587
00:23:55,677 --> 00:23:59,113
Why not convince me instead
that life without bacon is worth living?
588
00:23:59,581 --> 00:24:01,716
Step two, don't talk about being vegan.
589
00:24:01,783 --> 00:24:05,086
Just be one and, if it looks like you're
nailing it, assume people will follow.
590
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:08,623
[applause]
591
00:24:08,690 --> 00:24:12,126
Step three, really don't ever talk
about being vegan.
592
00:24:12,193 --> 00:24:13,228
Don't.
593
00:24:13,294 --> 00:24:14,329
[laughter]
594
00:24:14,395 --> 00:24:18,967
Why waste the little energy that you have
by pestering people?
595
00:24:19,033 --> 00:24:20,001
[laughter]
596
00:24:20,068 --> 00:24:23,438
Think of veganism like Fight Club.
Namaste.
597
00:24:24,005 --> 00:24:25,373
[laughter]
598
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:27,442
[hollering, applause]
599
00:24:30,178 --> 00:24:33,748
So you're reducing greenhouse gases
by encouraging veganism by rebranding.
600
00:24:33,815 --> 00:24:36,084
-That's right.
-Okay, so this could really work.
601
00:24:36,150 --> 00:24:38,853
It would have a massive effect
on the environment if we all went vegan?
602
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:39,787
Right.
603
00:24:39,854 --> 00:24:41,356
I know that vegans act the way they do
604
00:24:41,422 --> 00:24:44,225
because they have a visceral reaction
to the slaughter of animals,
605
00:24:44,292 --> 00:24:45,560
but they need to cool it.
606
00:24:45,627 --> 00:24:47,862
Okay, Sasheer, what do you love
about this idea?
607
00:24:47,929 --> 00:24:49,097
I think it's great.
608
00:24:49,163 --> 00:24:51,132
I do think that vegans need to rebrand.
609
00:24:51,199 --> 00:24:53,201
I've lost a lot of friends to veganism.
610
00:24:53,635 --> 00:24:55,336
[laughter]
611
00:24:55,403 --> 00:24:57,138
I mean, our skin will look better.
612
00:24:57,972 --> 00:24:59,374
Our hair will look better.
613
00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:02,076
We'll be healthier and, like, the...
614
00:25:02,410 --> 00:25:04,012
uh, the planet will be fine.
615
00:25:04,078 --> 00:25:05,113
So like...
616
00:25:05,547 --> 00:25:07,081
I want this.
617
00:25:07,148 --> 00:25:08,116
[laughter]
618
00:25:08,182 --> 00:25:10,418
Are you jonesing for a cheeseburger
right now?
619
00:25:10,485 --> 00:25:11,352
Yes!
620
00:25:11,986 --> 00:25:13,054
Yes.
621
00:25:13,121 --> 00:25:15,089
What about you guys?
Do you think it's a good idea?
622
00:25:15,623 --> 00:25:17,926
I do. Because vegans are dicks.
623
00:25:17,992 --> 00:25:20,094
-They pretty much are.
-[Carr] Yeah.
624
00:25:20,161 --> 00:25:22,830
And there are some fat ass vegans
these days. Have you ever seen them?
625
00:25:23,398 --> 00:25:27,302
You cannot eat a radish and get an ass
that big. That's all I'm saying.
626
00:25:28,169 --> 00:25:31,105
I met a fat vegan
and I thought, "Well done."
627
00:25:31,472 --> 00:25:33,207
[laughter]
628
00:25:33,274 --> 00:25:35,677
What do you think, Ron?
Would you ever consider being a vegan?
629
00:25:35,743 --> 00:25:38,112
Oh, I could do anything I set my mind to.
630
00:25:38,179 --> 00:25:40,715
I'm a very strong-willed person.
631
00:25:41,449 --> 00:25:44,285
But if I just wanted to be miserable
and complaining all the time,
632
00:25:44,352 --> 00:25:45,787
I'd just still be married.
633
00:25:46,154 --> 00:25:47,822
[laughter]
634
00:25:47,889 --> 00:25:49,857
Give it up for vegan rebranding!
635
00:25:49,924 --> 00:25:52,560
[cheering and applause]
636
00:25:55,463 --> 00:25:56,998
Right, so Katherine and Sasheer
637
00:25:57,065 --> 00:25:59,567
are proposing
we make veganism easier to swallow
638
00:25:59,634 --> 00:26:02,303
and DL and Ron are suggesting
we blow shit up.
639
00:26:02,704 --> 00:26:04,639
-[laughter]
-On The Fix, we're a democracy,
640
00:26:04,706 --> 00:26:07,842
so our studio audience will be deciding
which of these fixes to put into practice.
641
00:26:07,909 --> 00:26:10,712
Okay, audience,
vote for your favorite fix now.
642
00:26:11,579 --> 00:26:15,383
And remember, the future of mankind
is at stake, so take this seriously.
643
00:26:15,450 --> 00:26:16,918
[laughter]
644
00:26:18,252 --> 00:26:21,789
The votes are in and, with 60% of
the votes, the winner is Katherine Ryan!
645
00:26:21,856 --> 00:26:23,424
-Yeah!
-[applause]
646
00:26:23,491 --> 00:26:25,793
-[Carr] We're all going vegan.
-Well done. We did it.
647
00:26:25,860 --> 00:26:28,062
[Carr] So that's that.
Global warming is fixed.
648
00:26:28,129 --> 00:26:33,201
Thanks to Katherine Ryan, Sasheer Zamata,
DL Hughley and Ron Funches,
649
00:26:33,267 --> 00:26:36,237
our brilliant data expert, Mona Chalabi,
everyone here in the studio
650
00:26:36,304 --> 00:26:37,705
and to all of you for watching.
651
00:26:37,772 --> 00:26:39,641
We'll be solving
more of the world's problems
652
00:26:39,707 --> 00:26:43,411
in five, four, three, two, one...
653
00:26:43,945 --> 00:26:47,882
[audience cheering, theme music playing]