[cheering and applause]
Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and this is The Fix.
We're here to solve the world's biggest problems
and, if we don't solve them in half an hour,
well, we still get paid, it's all good.
[laughter]
In this episode, we're going to fix the gender pay gap.
And if you don't think the gender pay gap is a problem,
let me mansplain it to you.
[laughter]
In America, on average, women earn just 82% of what men earn.
It's clear something stinks in the workplace,
and for once, it's not just the men's room.
[laughter]
Women all round the world are standing up for their right to equal pay
and demanding an end to discrimination,
which I think is just so adorable.
[laughter]
In our society, institutional sexism has led to a glass ceiling
where it's almost impossible for a woman to be promoted beyond a certain level.
And to be fair, if women did shatter the glass ceiling,
men would probably make them clean up the mess.
[laughter]
One of the main causes of the gender pay gap is women having babies.
Of course, having a child can be very fulfilling for a woman,
just not financially, physically, mentally or career-wise.
[laughter, applause]
Shockingly, 37% of men surveyed
said there's no such thing as the gender pay gap,
and I'm pretty sure those are the same guys that can't find the G-Spot.
-[laughter, women whooping] -Now...
[applause]
Luckily, on this show, we don't just moan about problems. We try and find solutions.
And who better to come up with a solution then a bunch of comedians?
Welcome to The Fix.
[cheering, applause]
So here's how the show works.
I've challengedÂ two teams of comedians
to come up with a fix for the gender pay gap.
Our studio audience will be voting at the end of the show
for what they think works best
and that'll be that, problem solved.
And because we're talking about the gender pay gap,
we booked two female guests.
Yeah. It's also cheaper this way.
[laughter]
So here to fix the gender pay gap are Katherine Ryan and Nicole Byer.
[whooping, applause]
And DL Hughley and Nikki Glaser.
[applause, cheering]
Okay, before we get to our fixes, let's take a closer look at the problem.
The gender pay gap. What do you think?
I think it's bad.
[laughter]
Okay, that's our show.
[laughter]
I mean, it is. It's crazy, isn't it?
It's insane that a woman does the same job as a man and gets paid less.
It's so dumb.
I'll tell you, I know a lot of dumb men and it's not that men are smarter.
Most of y'all are dumb.
[laughter]
And it... It truly makes no sense.
-That's my stance. -[laughter]
I have nothing to say because I'm one of the dumb ones.
-[laughter] -Katherine, what do you think?
I don't think it's a big problem,
depending on your level of commitment to justice.
So I grew up with sisters who were tanned with big boobs.
-I learned early life's not fair. -[laughter]
I find it refreshing,
because, making 20% less, I'm now just going to try 20% less hard
and I'm going to just start right now by taking out 20% of my hair.
[laughter]
[audience whooping, applause]
It's about...
[applause continues]
[laughs]
I didn't know that women made that much less.
And I didn't know that white women had weaves. This is all...
[laughter]
What the fuck?
[laughter]
DL, I expect you to be 20% funnier
than anyone else on the panel this evening.
I'm not going to work that much harder, man.
You wanted somebody to work that hard, you should have hired a Mexican comic.
I ain't for that.
[laughter]
What do you think, DL?
I pretty much think that, um, it's fair.
I do. I think that when women start giving us our change back,
we'll make sure they get equal pay.
That's pretty much, you know...
Sorry, getting your change back? You're not getting your change back?
If you give a woman money for a specific thing
and then you ask for your change back...
[laughter]
You're so right.
They make... "Are you just a little bitch who wants your change back?"
I'm like, "Hold on."
I see his point completely.
Like, as a kid, you're like, "Dad, can I get some ice cream?"
and they give you a twenty.
You never bring the change back. You just keep it.
And that's where we make our money back. I think it's brilliant.
-I didn't even realize I was doing it. -[applause]
-We may have already fixed this. -[laughter]
-And I shoplift. Oh, don't forget that. -I'm all for shoplifting.
I think every woman has a right
to shoplift any sanitary products she wants.
-Thank you. -I don't think they should press charges.
Well, I use mascara as tampons.
-[laughter] -So that's why I stole that.
Wait. What?
[laughter]
What do you mean?
Do you unscrew the cap, put it up in and then have a day?
-What are you doing? -[laughter]
[applause]
If that's the rule,
that anything you steal has to be used as a sanitary product,
I will put a mascara in my vagina.
I cannot wait till I need mascara and ask you for it
and you're like shcudiboom.
[laughter]
[Carr] Here's a fact for you.
In the US, if a man stopped working on November 14th,
he'd earn the same amount as a woman who'd have to work until the end of the year.
Is it the same for white dudes and black dudes?
Because I know we don't get to stop working on the 14th. I'm pretty sure.
[laughter]
Ah, you are 100% right.
[laughter]
Because stuff got good for us about eight years ago
and now it's back to normal,
-so... -[laughter]
What do you think of that fact?
Well, there'd be much less sexual assault than previous Christmas parties
if they just took the time off.
-Great point. -[applause]
I think if you're not getting paid post November 14th,
you should just take the rest of the year off and let us get some work done.
-[applause] -[Carr] Okay.
[Nikki] I don't...
I personally would not want to work after the 14th without men around
because how am I supposed to know if I'm doing a good job
without the pat on the ass that I'm used to?
-You know. -I'll do it for you.
Thank you, Nicole.
"Nikki, you're doing a good job!"
[applause]
That means so much to me.
-I got you, girl. -Thank you.
[Carr] Okay.
One reason for the pay gap is plain, good, old-fashioned sexism.
Take a look at this Polish politician
putting across his point of view at the European Parliament.
Do you know how many women are in the first hundred of chess players?
I'll tell you. No-one.
And, of course, women must earn less than men.
Because they are weaker,
they are smaller,
they are less intelligent.
They must earn less. That's all.
[audience booing]
The good news is that guy's dead.
[laughter, applause]
This really supports my idea that men are dumb.
Like, what does chess have to do with earning money?
But also he said I was small, so thank you.
[laughter, applause]
[Nicole] Oh, my God!
-Oh! -[DL laughs]
So people genuinely think like that. Do you know anyone that thinks like that?
Oh, yes, and I felt very attracted to him.
I...
[laughter]
And, of course, he doesn't realize that women are very good at chess
because there's a lot of strategy involved in avoiding playing chess.
That's what we do.
Why would I want to play chess? Why?
A queen does absolutely all the work,
protecting a man that everyone's trying to trap.
It's like an episode of Love & Hip Hop. I'm not interested.
[laughter]
DL, do you think there's an age at which people get a pass?
Like, "He's 85, he doesn't know any better."
-Well... -Yeah.
Not if you watch the Cosby trial, it ain't.
[laughter]
[applause]
Now, a major reason for the pay gap is women having children.
In fact a woman's future wages fall by 4% with each child she has.
Katherine, you've got a successful career and you're a terrible mother.
[laughter]
Has having a child affected your income, do you think?
I think you've really hit the nail on the head.
I am a terrible mother.
You can still be successful.
But I think of myself less as a terrible mother
and more like a really great dad.
[laughter, applause]
[audience whooping]
[Carr] It's different.
There's different levels!
You judge them differently.
I think there's a certain amount of selfishness a man is allowed to have
that a woman isn't traditionally.
Yeah, 'cause men in our society are allowed to be selfish.
Like even 50% of it would affect your career.
My wife used to make me babysit my children. Um...
[laughter]
Babysit your children? What were you getting? 12 bucks an hour?
[laughter]
Nicole, knowing that fact, would it make you think twice about having kids?
I don't want kids.
I don't like them. They're sticky and they're nasty.
And now they're trying to take my money?
Fuck you! Get back up there.
I don't want you.
[applause, laughter]
[Carr] Oh.
[Nicole] No.
I hate children.
You're telling me you don't like stuff that's sticky and nasty?
Oh, I like sticky, nasty shit, but not a child.
[laughter]
That's how we make 'em, baby.
You'd really like an English kid.
See, my daughter is British and that truly is the key to enjoying your kids.
It sounds like I have a fancy, ineffective butler at home.
She's just like...
[laughter]
It's like, "Oh, hello, Mummy, I do love you ever so much.
Are we going to stay in Los Angeles to work at Netflix?
It's going to be lovely, Mummy.
I am sorry, I spilled Nutella on the carpet."
So I'm like, "You are the shittiest butler ever."
That's it.
That's the way. British kids, tolerable.
[laughter, applause]
What a great review for your child.
[laughter]
Right, here on The Fix, we have our very own data expert.
Please welcome Mona Chalabi.
[applause]
[Carr] Hi, Mona.
We're talking about the gender pay gap. What have you got for us?
The pay gap isn't just about the difference
between what men and women get paid.
Your race matters too.
Let me explain with some illustrations that I've made.
By the time an American white man retires at age 64,
over the course of his entire career,
he would have earned, on average, about $2 million.
If a Hispanic man wants to make that same amount of money,
he needs to keep working till he's 83.
The average black man needs to retire at 85 to earn $2 million.
Asian and white women would need to keep working till they're 93
to catch up with those white male earnings.
And black women until they're 105.
-[audience gasps] -[Carr] Oh!
Hispanic women, they are the worst off.
They would need to retire at the age of 118 to make $2 million.
[laughter]
But there is one group in America who are better paid than white men.
Can you guess who it is?
What did you just say?
[laughter]
Sorry, there's a group better paid than white men?
-It's true. -Okay, this is getting serious.
[laughter, applause]
Who's better paid than white men? I don't know. I can't...
Asian men in this country can retire three years early
and still make the same amount of money
as white men.
-Asian men. -Yeah.
They snuck up on us like ninjas.
[laughter]
[applause]
So...
You... You did say ninjas, right?
[laughter]
DL Hughley! Um...
So why is that? Why do Asian men out-earn white men in America?
It's because Asian-Americans are better educated
than any other racial or ethnic group in this country.
Okay. So are things getting better at least?
It depends on who you are.
For Asian-Americans, the gap with white pay has got smaller.
But the black-white pay gap has actually got bigger over time.
It's getting worse?
It's getting worse, and it's getting worse since legislation was passed
to make it illegal to discriminate based on race at work.
-[Nikki blows raspberries] -[Mona] Sorry!
-Wow. -Bummer.
Welcome to the new, depressing part of the show.
[laughter]
DL, what do you make of these statistics?
I'm not shocked.
[laughter, applause]
Black people have figured it out.
We go to church, we play lotto and we die early, so we ain't got to earn.
[laughter]
So that's your financial planning advice?
-That's all I've got. -[laughter]
Nikki, what do you make of these statistics?
I mean, I'm just sad about the...
Now the woman fell over at the bottom. She already has it hard enough.
She's working till she's 118 and the graphic doesn't do her any justice.
This is entirely depressing
and gratefully this show is called The Fix
and we're gonna come upÂ with a solution.
Oh, yeah. If we just left it here, that would be awful.
[laughter]
What do you make of those statistics? They're shocking, right?
I mean, I guess I work after I'm dead, but...
[laughter]
...while I'm living, I guess I start fucking an Asian man.
[laughter]
So...
[applause, whooping]
I'll just...
I'm gonna double check for you. That's gonna work, right?
Sure?
[Mona] Sure.
Okay. Mona, what else have you got for us?
Well, the gender pay gap isn't the same across the board.
For all the women watching, I wanted to look at the jobs with the biggest pay gap
so that we all know what to avoid.
At the top of the list is, ironically, financial advisors.
For every dollar a male financial advisor makes,
a woman in the same job makes just $0.59.
Just as ironically, female lawyers also have one of the biggest pay gaps,
earning just $0.63 for every dollar male lawyers make.
At the other extreme, there are a couple of jobs
where women actually out-earn men.
Cafeteria workers and bartenders.
Now that's partly because women get better tips than men.
But that same logic doesn't explain why women working in construction
make slightly more than men too.
Lastly, I managed to find one profession
where women earn two to three times more than men.
Any guesses what it is?
[laughter]
The whole audience is guessing stripping right now.
[laughter]
And you know what? They're not that far off.
It's actually pornography.
[Nikki] Oh!
Really? So I made the right decision not becoming a porn actor.
[laughs] I think so.
I think, in pornography, we make two to three times as much as men do
because we're taking on that many men.
So it makes sense that you would make what you take.
-[applause] -You make what you take?
[Nikki] You make what you take.
You've even got a slogan for it. "You make what you take."
"Pornography."
-[laughter] -Katherine, you used to work at Hooters.
Obviously, they've done nothing for the gender pay gap,
but lots for the thigh gap.
[laughter]
Were you paid handsomely there?
Hooters waitresses, I think, earn more than the men in the kitchen
and you can have a side hustle at Hooters as well.
I was selling my socks to anyone who asked for them.
[laughter]
That's... Is that genuinely a true story?
It's genuinely a true story. It's called a side hustle.
-"$60, please." -[laughter]
For your socks?
They wanted them really dirty as well.
There are some troubled young men out there.
[laughter]
Me and Katherine Ryan go back a long way
and I happen to know, when she was working in Hooters,
she was kind of fooled by a man into doing something ridiculous.
Okay, a man rang Hooters and he pretended to be from a radio station,
and he said, "I'll give you $300
if you can figure out a way to inflate your pantyhose."
This, to me, did not feel like a trap.
And I said...
[laughter]
And so I got some clear garbage bags
and I pushed them all the way down to my toes
and then I got a bicycle pump and really pumped them up.
And then he said you have to take pictures and email them to this random Hotmail,
which I did.
-And then... -[laughter]
...he...
He promised me this money that never came even though I'd given him my address.
[laughter]
And then he got my phone number.
He started calling me, asking for me to do real stunts out in the world.
"Go to a gas station and use those pumps to inflate them even more."
-[laughter] -I did that.
Sorry, Nicole, what were you saying about men being dumb?
[laughter]
I guess that one was the smart one.
[laughter]
I eventually had to go to the radio station to collect my winnings,
because it never came to the house.
And I said, "I'm here to collect my winnings for the pantyhose contest."
And she just went, "Deborah, we've got another one."
[laughter]
[applause, whooping]
Wow, I mean, literally the most gullible woman in the world.
[laughter]
Fantastic stuff. Thank you very much indeed, Mona.
[cheering, applause]
Right, let's get to the heart of the show. Let's get to the fixes.
It's time to solve the gender pay gap once and for all.
And, as we're talking about gender issues, it would be rude not to put ladies first,
so, ladies and gentlemen, Katherine Ryan!
Yeah.
[whooping, applause]
I'm afraid it's bad news for your yacht club, Jimmy,
because I've come up with a genius way to close the gender pay gap once and for all.
My fix, feminism-ism.
Relax, girls named Kayla,
you don't have to be a feminist...
to be a feminism-ist.
Feminism-ism is a new religion that exploits tax loopholes.
That's all.
No rules, no guilt, straight cash.
-[laughter] -Did you know...
that the wealthiest organization in the world is the Roman Catholic Church,
whose budget in the US is $170 billion
and they don't pay any tax?
Neither will we.
That's how we'll get back the additional money that men are being unjustly paid.
Those tampons, boob jobs andÂ abortions aren't paying for themselves, right?
[laughter]
It's not like the gender pay gap is imaginary,
like white privilege.
Right now, women earn 80% of what men make,
which means, on average, men are walking around with over 10 grand a year more
and they still can't dress for shit.
[laughter]
Ladies, the best solution to your financial problems
is no longer tolerating a mouthful of an old man's rice paper scrotum.
[laughter]
Join feminism-ism and become a feminism-ist today.
Give us your paychecks and we'll funnel it back to you totally tax-free.
It's that easy and it would genuinely work.
And what are our intimate partners going to do about it?
Kill three of us a day?
Ha, the joke's on men because they're already doing that.
[laughter]
Which is why we desperately need the money.
Please take a look at our first ad.
[male voice whispering] Feminism-ism.
[woman] Feminism-ism is a new religion for women only.
[male voice] No men.
[woman] Here's how it works. Give us all your money.
Don't worry, you can trust us. We're women.
Then we give you your money back, tax free.
[male voice] More money.
[woman] Hey, it worked for L Ron Hubbard.
-Are you a feminist? -[male voice] Yes, queen.
[woman] Then join today.
[male voice] Okay.
[woman] Are you anti-feminist, but want to make as much money as a man?
[male voice] Of course.
[woman] Then feminism-ism is for you too.
[male voice] Amazeballs.
[woman] We don't discriminate. Except against men.
[male voice] Sorry, not sorry.
[woman] So, ladies, join feminism-ism.
No penises allowed.
[male voice] Trans-inclusive.
[applause]
[Carr] So, Katherine, you're proposing feminism-ism.
Nicole, what do you like about this idea?
Ooh, baby, I love it!
I love it. L Ron Hubbard, it's true.
He created a religion and there's tons of money in it.
So we're taking that shit back and we're going to get our money
and we're goingÂ to give it back to our friends and we're going to spend it
and it's going to be gloriousÂ and nice
and I can't wait. I love it. Feminism-ism.
[laughter, applause]
-I think Nicole's in. That's a yes. -I'm in.
We'll pray to our Lord Jesus BeyoncÃ©!
Yes.
[laughter]
I like the idea of that.
I like the idea of there being little sects within feminism-ism.
You could have Judge Judy-ism.
[laughter]
So, Katherine, you're essentially suggesting a cult.
It's a cult, it's a tribe, it's a harem. I just really miss Hooters.
[laughter]
Okay.
What would happen at the services in feminism-ism?
Amazing things.
We'd get Antoni from Queer Eye to turn water intoÂ rosÃ©.
[audience whoops]
There'd be a confession booth, obviously, but with hidden cameras,
so we don't miss out on any of the juicy goss.
[laughter]
And then we'll take turns reenacting the Madonna Like A Prayer video.
[laughter]
It'll be fun.
Apparently 86% of women in the US are already affiliated to a religion.
So you're preaching to the choir, quite literally.
I think genuinely this would work.
And talking about Scientology,
they only started in 1954.
They're worth $1.2 billion.
They don't pay a penny in tax.
It's a genius idea.
Thank you.
DL, Nikki, what do you make of this?
It's tax evasion, right?
Yes.
[laughter]
That shit didn't work out good for Wesley Snipes. That's all I'm saying.
It's kind of all a hustle. I want...
I don't go to church right now, because the cover charge is too high.
But I think... I think it's a great idea.
[Carr] Yeah.
Nikki, would you join feminism-ism?
Yeah. I mean, in a heartbeat.
And I want to go door-to-door like Jehovah's Witnesses too.
What would you say door-to-door? [knocks] If I answered the door...
I just want to steal stuff.
[laughter]
I'm back to that again.
[laughter]
Well, ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for feminism-ism.
[applause, whooping]
Okay, we've heard Katherine's fix for the gender pay gap.
It's now time to hear what DL's got in store for us.
DL, the balls are in your pants, take it away.
[applause]
A recent study in Sweden
found that for every month a dad took off for parental leave,
a mom's future earnings increased 7%.
Which is shocking, that in Sweden the father sticks around.
[laughter]
I wish my dad was Swedish instead of gone-ish.
[laughter]
So the dad staying at home helps mom make more money.
That's why my solution is DADI-CARE.
Let me explain. DADI-CARE is a nationwide program
that will require men to take six weeks of forced paternity leave,
working as a male nanny, a "manny," for a mother in need.
DADI-CARE is the perfect win-win.
Mom makes more money and you get to bottle feed a baby anywhere in the USA,
from New York to California to Kansas.
[laughter]
Hey, y'all, I'm sorry. Somebody's got to go to Kansas.
-[laughter] -You think this is easy?
Remember there was a powerful documentary
about how it took three men to raise one baby.
[laughter]
Make this with black men and it looks like a paternity episode of Maury.
[laughter]
Two Men and That Ain't My Goddamn Baby.
[laughter]
So let's put men to work for the economic future of women
with DADI-CARE.
I love it. DADI-CARE, everyone.
It's a great idea.
[applause]
Uh, Nikki, what do you like most about DADI-CARE?
What I like most about DADI-CARE
is that these guys that are going out and doing this,
these young guys,
they know more about parenting than anyone.
They live with their parents still, so...
-[laughter] -This will be perfect.
But I just want to say, we just got done talking about feminism-ism
and it's just like all we do is, "Instagram, selfies."
Why are we, as young idiot girls, allowed to watch kids
and it's totally acceptable?
Whereas young men aren't.
I think this is a great solution.
And I think everyone at a young age should have to do it,
just so you, yeah...
-Yeah. -I know this is a comedy show
but this is a legit, good solution.
-It's a good idea. -Yeah.
DL, are men going to get parenting classes?
We're talking aboutÂ young men sent out to parent.
I think you just spring it on them. You know what I mean?
[laughter]
I think that men having access to children early is good for them.
You know, to learn why to wear condoms.
[laughter]
How old were you when you had your kids?
I was 20, 21, 22.
Wow.
With the same woman. Don't look at me like that, you judgmental fuckers.
[laughter]
It's not like I'm a basketball player. Hang on a minute.
[laughter]
Here's some statistics.
The US is the only developed nation in the world
that doesn't have paid paternity.
That's silly.
In Sweden, new fathers can take up to 60 days off-work, paid paternity leave
as well as 420 additional days that they share with the other parent.
I mean, you could knock a lady up, you could take a year off.
[laughter]
Katherine, what do you think of the idea? DADI-CARE.
You're sending these young guys out
and you say, "You've got to learn responsibility,
take care of a kid, you've got to help a woman out"?
I already have different father figures
coming around for about six weeks at a time
and people call me a slut, so how come...
[laughter]
it's celebrated here today?
Would you ever trust a male nanny, Katherine?
-[laughs] No. -[laughter]
[Nikki] That answers why there's not...
I don't want a young man in my house.
The last thing I need is to make an extra packed lunch every morning.
[laughter]
If you show me a young man with impeccable personal hygiene
and an intact phone screen,
I will let him have an hour with my child.
[laughter]
You're so right.
Nicole, what do you think of this idea? DADI-CARE.
Theoretically, I love it,
but personally I don't like it,
because...
[laughter]
...if I see a man with a baby,
then I'll be like, "Oh, he's already taken." You know?
So Nicole's worried you might be cockblocking her.
Yes.
They have to wear a sash.
-Ah, perfect. -[Nikki] So you know.
Great. Then I'm all in!
[Nikki] Yes, "Manny."
[Nicole] Great.
Let's hear it for DADI-CARE. A great idea.
[applause]
Okay, so Katherine is proposing Feminism-ism,
which is tax evasion by half the population.
-[laughter] -And DL is suggesting DADI-CARE,
which involves giving small children to strangers.
[laughter]
On The Fix, we are a democracy, so our studio audience will be deciding
which one of these fixes to put into practice.
Audience, please vote now for your favorite.
And remember, because this is Netflix
and because we go out in 190 territories,
whatever you pick will become international law almost immediately.
-[Nikki] Wow! -[laughter]
I can tell you the votes are in, and I can reveal it couldn't be closer.
With 54% of the vote,
Katherine Ryan! Feminism-ism.
-[cheering, applause] -[Carr] Very close this evening.
So that's that, the gender pay gap is fixed.
Maybe you'll want to spend a little bit of the extra money buying me a drink, ladies.
[laughter]
So thanks to DL Hughley,
Nikki Glaser, Katherine Ryan and Nicole Byer,
to our data expert, Mona Chalabi,
everyone here in the studio and all of you for watching.
We'll see you next time to solve more of the world's problems. Goodbye.
[applause, outro music playing]
[audience cheering]