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Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr
and this is The Fix...
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the show where we try and solve
the world's problems.
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If you want to hear people
complain about the world's problems,
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just watch the news.
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On this episode,
we're going to fix the aging population.
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Despite the best efforts of Botox,
the population is getting older.
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By the time you finish
watching this program,
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112 American seniors will have died,
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which is tragically not nearly enough.
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It's true.
There simply aren't enough young people
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to support the largest generation ever
to hit retirement age.
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We're either going to have to pay
higher taxes
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or drastically increase the cost
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of Werther's Originals, bundt cake
and catheters.
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Basically,
old people are a terrible burden.
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Did you hear that, old people?
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I said you're a terrible burden.
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So we've got half an hour
to sort out the aging population.
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And we'd better be quick,
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because our panel of comedians
are getting older every minute.
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Welcome to The Fix.
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Here's how the show works.
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I've challenged two teams of comedians
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to come up with a fix
for the aging population.
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At the end of the show, our audience
will be voting for their favorite fix
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and that'll be that,
another problem solved.
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Jay-Z will only have 98 things
to worry about.
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Joining me today are Katherine Ryan
and Whitney Cummings.
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And DL Hughley and Al Madrigal.
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Later on,
we'll be hearing the team's fixes.
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But before that, let's take a closer look
at the problem. Here's a fact for you.
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By 2045, in the US, there will be
more people over 75 than children.
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Jimmy, I'm disgusted and disturbed
by the presence of the elderly,
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but I...
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As are we all, Katherine. As are we all.
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I researched it
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and they do, as it turns out,
have a legal right to exist.
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And there'll be 1.4 billion people over 60
by 2030
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and I don't like it, Jimmy,
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but I do understand that people want
some of the great mysteries of our time
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to be solved before they die.
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I want to know who killed JonBenét.
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I want to know what kind of old lady
Britney Spears turns into.
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Im going to stick around for that.
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Okay. Whitney, what do you think?
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I think this is great news.
I love old people.
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I think they're incredible.
They make me feel great about myself.
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Our generation...
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We are very concerned
about our appearance.
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I spent two hours getting ready.
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When I go visit my mom at her nursing
home, half the women have beards.
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I love them.
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Do you worry about getting old?
Especially in our profession.
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Oh, I'm like two years away from playing
corpse number five on CSI.
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Aw, she thinks it's two years away.
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Al, are you worried about getting older?
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No, I'm not worried about getting older
at all, because I'm a Latino actor.
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I've got the wise old Latino
algebra teacher years ahead of me.
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It must be nice, Al. I'm 35.
I was considered old ten years ago.
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Sorry, you're 35?
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I'm 35.
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Sorry, we've just had a call in.
You've got to go.
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I'm so sorry.
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Women do have to worry about existing
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during what I call the Bermuda Triangle
of our careers.
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If you can make it through and come out
Betty White, then you're employed again.
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But there is a dangerous period
where we just disappear.
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It's amazing, because when people
worry about getting older,
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I'm a black dude in America.
I'm glad I made it this far.
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This is good for me.
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This is all bonus time. All bonus time.
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I'm hoping I make it
to the end of the show.
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Who's gonna take care of you
when you're old?
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I'm rich,
so two fine-ass Puerto Rican nurses.
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Seriously, DL, how do you feel about
being a terrible burden to your kids?
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I feel like I busted my ass
to make all this money.
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They can wipe my ass to get it.
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That, again, is like...
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You've got kids, Al.
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I've got two kids.
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I actually told my son about inheritance.
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My son asked me... He goes, "Dad,
when are we going to get the big house?"
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I wanted to say, "You're the big house,
you little son of a bitch,"
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but...
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I said, "Well, a lot of people
who get their big houses
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get it through inheritance."
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And he goes, "What's inheritance?"
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And then I had to explain that,
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but really what I did
is I put us on Nana and Papa deathwatch.
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Because he's putting his skateboard out,
hoping that they're going to fall.
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"I want my pool, bitch."
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Isn't that funny, when you actually
see your parents spending money
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into their older ages and you're like,
"Hey, do we really need that?
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You got to buy everything on TV?
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You don't want to leave
a little bit behind for us?"
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I think it's a good idea to embrace
the sweet, sweet elderly lifestyle
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when you're young.
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I enjoy the same things as older women.
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I have a shopping trolley
that I drag around town.
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I like elaborate fashions
that confuse and repulse men.
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And I have...
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I have a bunch of those teeny dogs
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that just shiver and piss from their eyes.
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You know those?
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I've got three of those.
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You're basically an old lady
before your time.
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You'll probably have a good view on this,
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because we've got to get the balance right
between old and young.
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And some bits of you, Katherine,
are very old and some are very young.
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Bits as in physical bits?
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Physical bits, yes.
What's the youngest bit of you, Katherine?
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How dare you?
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Because you know that I had a boob job
back when it was still dangerous.
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I don't even know what's in there.
They could explode at any moment.
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You know those...
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Those little...
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You know the goldfish
that you can win at the carnival?
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In sacks. It might be that.
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My boobs will be 17 in November.
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Too old for an Alabama congressman.
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Thank you.
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Okay, moving on, people are living
much longer. That's part of the problem.
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What's the ideal age to die?
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I don't really care when I die,
as long as it's after my husband dies,
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because I don't want my husband
planning my funeral.
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Because I feel like he's going to dress
my corpse the way he wished I dressed.
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I feel like my corpse is going to be
in a little cheerleading costume.
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And have a side ponytail.
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Al, how would you like to go?
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Death by chocolate, right?
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And by chocolate, I mean
a black stripper named Chocolate.
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Right? Same sort of thing.
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DL, what about you?
When do you want to go?
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I think the ideal way to die is with your
kids arguing over who loved you the most.
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Is that the ideal way?
I'd like to drown in pussy.
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You might want to try getting it wet then.
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Too good.
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Oh, God.
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You know what? It's kind of nice.
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I was around
when we were afraid of white guys.
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It's so nice to be able
to just insult them.
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They're on the run.
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This is very new, that we're allowed to
do this in America. It's really exciting.
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-Wait a minute. We are?
-Yeah!
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Oh, you told DL!
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Okay, in Japan, the aging population is
a massive problem, biggest in the world.
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And there's a surprising consequence.
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Adult diapers now outsell
diapers for babies.
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They even put on
adult diaper fashion shows.
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Take a look.
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From the look of this, I guess
I'm wearing my adult diapers wrong.
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I didn't know you're supposed to wear
the black tights underneath.
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I just thought they were for shitting.
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And...
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I didn't know you were supposed to form
an improv troupe
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or whatever the fuck this is.
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Here's a really sad fact
about Japan, okay.
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In Japan, there's been a massive increase
in crimes committed by the elderly
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and the reason
they're committing these crimes
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is they get better care
and it's not so lonely in prison.
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-That's sad.
-There's a positive spin on this.
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You can say, "Of course,
my parents live in a gated community.
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They're in jail."
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That's why Japanese prison,
lights out, 5:45.
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I've got a lot of the crimes.
Do you want to hear a bunch of them?
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Okay. So elderly crimes, go ahead.
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Kidnapping.
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With the emphasis on the napping.
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Also cyberbullying...
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via fax.
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They're doing a lot of that.
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Breaking, entering and then forgotten
why you've gone in the room.
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Yes, exactly.
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Do war crimes count?
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There's actually been a boom in
what the Japanese are calling silver porn,
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which features actors in their 70s.
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They've got titles
like Forbidden Elderly Care
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and Nursing Home Nymphos.
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Oh, yeah,
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I think someone's recognized someone
from that film.
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Do you find it troubling,
the idea of old people going at it?
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I'm for this. Sorry if I'm
in the minority. I'm very into this.
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I think the problem with porn is it has
very unrealistic standards of women.
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That's what bothers me about it.
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If there's more silver porn like this,
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anytime my boyfriend's like, "Hey, baby,
wanna watch some dirty porn?"
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I'm like, "Yes, I do. In fact,
I've got some right here."
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00:10:01,276 --> 00:10:03,312
-[Katherine laughs]
-"It's called...
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A Wrinkle in My Behind."
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00:10:05,714 --> 00:10:06,682
[laughter]
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00:10:08,117 --> 00:10:09,385
"You're going to love it."
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00:10:09,451 --> 00:10:10,552
[laughter and applause]
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[Carr] So here's something fun for you.
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We've got pictures of our panel as babies
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and then we've used special technology
to age them.
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So, DL...
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00:10:18,260 --> 00:10:20,295
-Here's DL as a baby.
-[laughter]
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00:10:20,362 --> 00:10:23,499
Sorry, DL, that's the best photo
of you as a baby, so...
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00:10:23,866 --> 00:10:24,700
Well...
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00:10:24,767 --> 00:10:27,236
I was in the witness protection program,
so...
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00:10:27,302 --> 00:10:28,137
[laughter]
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[DL] My father drew that.
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00:10:29,638 --> 00:10:30,472
[laughter]
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00:10:30,572 --> 00:10:32,341
It really does
look like a charcoal sketch.
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00:10:32,408 --> 00:10:33,942
-Yeah.
-What?
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00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:35,144
[laughter]
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00:10:35,444 --> 00:10:36,412
[Carr] That's, uh...
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00:10:36,478 --> 00:10:38,180
[applause]
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This is DL as an old man.
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00:10:40,149 --> 00:10:41,383
[Whitney] Nah!
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00:10:42,317 --> 00:10:43,585
Come on, man.
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00:10:43,986 --> 00:10:46,055
I think you look pretty cool
as an old dude.
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00:10:46,121 --> 00:10:48,157
What do I brush my teeth with? Clay?
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00:10:48,590 --> 00:10:49,925
[laughter]
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00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:53,062
I guess at some stage your dentist dies.
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00:10:54,163 --> 00:10:56,732
And you can't bear
to go and see a new guy.
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00:10:56,799 --> 00:10:57,933
[laughter]
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Okay, I've got Al as a child.
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00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:01,603
This is a baby photo of Al Madrigal.
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-[all] Aww!
-[Whitney] Oh, my gosh!
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00:11:04,173 --> 00:11:06,942
That's... I didn't even realize
you were in The Jackson 5.
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00:11:07,009 --> 00:11:08,610
[laughter]
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Here's Al as an old man.
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00:11:11,180 --> 00:11:12,915
[laughter]
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00:11:12,981 --> 00:11:18,620
I look like the wise, old Latino algebra
teacher that I was talking about earlier.
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00:11:18,687 --> 00:11:21,090
-[laughter]
-This fall on NBC.
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00:11:21,824 --> 00:11:24,059
Okay, here's Whitney as a baby.
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00:11:25,027 --> 00:11:26,528
[all] Oh!
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00:11:26,595 --> 00:11:29,064
Okay, pedophiles, calm down.
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00:11:29,131 --> 00:11:30,566
[laughter]
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00:11:31,033 --> 00:11:32,468
What were you like as a child?
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00:11:32,534 --> 00:11:38,107
I thought, when I was a kid, that Roseanne
was a good role model, you know.
233
00:11:38,173 --> 00:11:41,443
I thought that Bill Cosby was a good dad.
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00:11:41,510 --> 00:11:44,046
I was a stupid child.
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[laughter]
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00:11:45,314 --> 00:11:47,516
Before we look at Whitney, age 100,
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00:11:47,583 --> 00:11:50,252
if you're of a sensitive disposition,
look away now.
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00:11:50,319 --> 00:11:52,054
[Whitney laughs, gasps]
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00:11:52,121 --> 00:11:53,455
[laughter]
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00:11:54,022 --> 00:11:55,257
[Whitney] You know what?
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00:11:55,758 --> 00:11:57,760
I look fucking amazing.
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00:11:57,826 --> 00:11:59,495
[laughter]
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00:11:59,561 --> 00:12:00,462
You know what?
244
00:12:01,730 --> 00:12:03,832
That is what Hollywood producers...
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00:12:03,899 --> 00:12:05,868
That's how they see me now, so...
246
00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:07,202
[laughter]
247
00:12:07,269 --> 00:12:09,772
This is Katherine Ryan as a baby.
Have a look.
248
00:12:10,372 --> 00:12:13,642
-[all] Oh!
-[Carr] Talk us through that picture,
249
00:12:13,709 --> 00:12:16,278
Katherine, because it would appear
that you have ginger hair there.
250
00:12:16,345 --> 00:12:18,647
Yes. My mother permed my hair,
251
00:12:18,714 --> 00:12:21,016
because she thought
it would help me on the pageant circuit.
252
00:12:21,083 --> 00:12:22,885
[laughter]
253
00:12:23,585 --> 00:12:25,287
-Is that true?
-Yes.
254
00:12:25,354 --> 00:12:28,757
And then it made a lot of it
kind of go crispy and red.
255
00:12:29,258 --> 00:12:31,627
I will say I remember crying...
256
00:12:32,060 --> 00:12:33,996
for hours before that photo was taken
257
00:12:34,062 --> 00:12:37,166
and then, just as the flash went off,
you can see I pulled it together
258
00:12:37,232 --> 00:12:38,634
and I was like... [inhales]
259
00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:41,370
[groans] And I got the photo.
260
00:12:41,937 --> 00:12:44,006
We've got a picture of Katherine, age 100.
261
00:12:44,573 --> 00:12:45,841
[laughter]
262
00:12:45,908 --> 00:12:46,875
[Carr] Yeah.
263
00:12:47,876 --> 00:12:48,844
No, her...
264
00:12:50,078 --> 00:12:52,214
Her guy is the best.
265
00:12:52,281 --> 00:12:54,416
-[Katherine] Amazing.
-You guys are dicks.
266
00:12:54,483 --> 00:12:55,951
[laughter]
267
00:12:56,185 --> 00:12:57,820
-No, we're--
-They're not wrong.
268
00:12:58,287 --> 00:12:59,855
That is so mean
269
00:12:59,922 --> 00:13:00,923
and so funny.
270
00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:02,457
I hate how funny that is.
271
00:13:02,958 --> 00:13:05,894
Okay, no, we've got a picture
of Katherine aged.
272
00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:08,397
-[Whitney] Yes!
-[audience exclaims]
273
00:13:08,463 --> 00:13:11,533
Hey, Katherine and I are going to get
a lot of dick when we're 100.
274
00:13:12,267 --> 00:13:14,636
I see you've got the same dentist as DL
at that point.
275
00:13:14,703 --> 00:13:16,104
[laughter]
276
00:13:16,171 --> 00:13:19,474
In the interest of fairness, I suppose
we'd better look... Here's me as a child.
277
00:13:19,541 --> 00:13:21,176
[all] Oh.
278
00:13:22,177 --> 00:13:23,912
You look super pasty and white.
279
00:13:24,813 --> 00:13:26,982
-I mean, nothing's changed.
-[laughter]
280
00:13:27,049 --> 00:13:29,885
I'm no longer wearing a tie
because I decided to be more relaxed.
281
00:13:29,952 --> 00:13:31,587
[laughter]
282
00:13:31,653 --> 00:13:35,390
Was that how your parents dressed you
or was that a uniform for an academy?
283
00:13:35,457 --> 00:13:37,726
I was actually in a youth movement.
284
00:13:37,926 --> 00:13:40,295
[laughter]
285
00:13:42,598 --> 00:13:43,532
Here's me at 100.
286
00:13:44,366 --> 00:13:45,901
[audience exclaims]
287
00:13:45,968 --> 00:13:50,005
You look like the guy who just drove
his car through a farmers market.
288
00:13:50,305 --> 00:13:52,975
[laughter]
289
00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:54,109
That is exactly it.
290
00:13:54,710 --> 00:13:56,278
"I thought it was in reverse."
291
00:13:56,345 --> 00:13:57,813
[laughter]
292
00:13:58,146 --> 00:13:59,181
Okay, so...
293
00:13:59,248 --> 00:14:02,618
Here on The Fix, we have our very own
data expert. Please welcome Mona Chalabi!
294
00:14:02,684 --> 00:14:04,286
[cheering, applause]
295
00:14:05,153 --> 00:14:07,489
-[Carr] Hi, Mona.
-[Mona] Hi, Jimmy.
296
00:14:08,123 --> 00:14:10,158
The aging population
is what we we're talking about.
297
00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:11,493
-Give us some data.
-[Mona] Okay.
298
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:15,063
In almost every country in the world,
women live longer than men.
299
00:14:15,130 --> 00:14:18,267
Three whole years.
As you can see in some charts I've drawn.
300
00:14:18,333 --> 00:14:19,968
The question is why?
301
00:14:20,035 --> 00:14:22,604
One theory is that men's lives
can be more dangerous.
302
00:14:22,671 --> 00:14:24,973
That explains
why girls born in Syria today
303
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:27,376
are expected to live
seven years longer than boys.
304
00:14:27,442 --> 00:14:29,711
Another theory is about healthy habits.
305
00:14:29,778 --> 00:14:31,914
That women just take better care
of themselves.
306
00:14:31,980 --> 00:14:35,517
For example, Russian women
live 8.4 years longer than Russian men,
307
00:14:35,584 --> 00:14:37,419
who consume lot more alcohol.
308
00:14:37,753 --> 00:14:40,088
There are just three countries
in the world though
309
00:14:40,155 --> 00:14:42,824
where men actually live a little longer
than women.
310
00:14:42,891 --> 00:14:44,893
Bahrain, Bhutan and Kuwait.
311
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:48,297
All countries where women's health
is affected by weaker women's rights.
312
00:14:48,363 --> 00:14:50,999
But it can't just be lifestyle factors.
313
00:14:51,066 --> 00:14:53,402
Most women's lives have improved
over recent decades
314
00:14:53,468 --> 00:14:56,004
and the gap in life expectancy
hasn't got much bigger.
315
00:14:56,071 --> 00:14:57,506
So what's going on?
316
00:14:57,973 --> 00:14:59,541
One of the best theories we have
317
00:14:59,608 --> 00:15:02,144
is that the world just needs women
more than it needs men.
318
00:15:02,644 --> 00:15:04,713
[laughter, applause]
319
00:15:04,780 --> 00:15:06,415
[Carr] Whoa!
320
00:15:08,116 --> 00:15:09,017
Well, that's...
321
00:15:09,084 --> 00:15:10,252
Yeah, cool.
322
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:13,255
That's all we have time for, Mona.
323
00:15:13,322 --> 00:15:15,057
[laughter]
324
00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:16,391
I've got evidence.
325
00:15:16,458 --> 00:15:17,759
Mona, Mona!
326
00:15:18,694 --> 00:15:20,963
The male role in reproduction
is a bit hit and run
327
00:15:21,029 --> 00:15:23,165
and depends much less
on his long-term health.
328
00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:26,768
But the female role
is obviously more important.
329
00:15:27,035 --> 00:15:30,806
So women are in better shape naturally
and that results in us living longer.
330
00:15:30,872 --> 00:15:33,108
To sum up, Jimmy, men are useless.
331
00:15:33,175 --> 00:15:35,043
[laughter]
332
00:15:36,678 --> 00:15:38,914
When did my wife
start writing for this show?
333
00:15:38,981 --> 00:15:40,549
[laughter]
334
00:15:41,016 --> 00:15:43,018
I've just got to announce,
based on this information,
335
00:15:43,085 --> 00:15:45,887
that I've got to cancel
all my comedy dates
336
00:15:45,954 --> 00:15:48,090
at the Bhutan Comedy Pagoda.
337
00:15:48,390 --> 00:15:50,859
[laughter]
338
00:15:51,393 --> 00:15:55,263
I'm also canceling my appearance
on the comedy radio show
339
00:15:55,330 --> 00:15:57,099
Kuwait, Wait Don't Tell Her.
340
00:15:57,566 --> 00:15:59,301
[laughter]
341
00:16:00,235 --> 00:16:02,437
[applause]
342
00:16:02,504 --> 00:16:04,406
So you're saying that men aren't needed
343
00:16:04,473 --> 00:16:06,842
because women have got
a more important reproductive role.
344
00:16:06,908 --> 00:16:09,945
Men's health isn't as crucial
for the future of humanity
345
00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:11,179
as women's health is.
346
00:16:11,246 --> 00:16:12,514
Are you surprised by that?
347
00:16:12,581 --> 00:16:15,117
Well, I think actually
these studies are a little bit flawed.
348
00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:18,120
It's probably not that women
only live three years longer than men,
349
00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:19,621
because most of us lie about our age.
350
00:16:19,688 --> 00:16:21,523
We actually live way longer.
351
00:16:21,590 --> 00:16:23,258
[laughter]
352
00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:25,360
-DL, what do you make of this?
-It's fair.
353
00:16:25,427 --> 00:16:27,095
I think it's fair that women live longer.
354
00:16:27,162 --> 00:16:30,799
Because by the time men
get to a certain age, we're ready to go.
355
00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:32,801
My father... This is true.
356
00:16:32,868 --> 00:16:34,970
My father
came on this experimental medication.
357
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:37,606
My mother has been trying
to kill my father for, like, 30 years.
358
00:16:37,672 --> 00:16:38,807
[laughter]
359
00:16:38,874 --> 00:16:40,042
He takes the medication
360
00:16:40,108 --> 00:16:42,411
and she goes, "Why don't you
just let the Lord do his work?"
361
00:16:42,744 --> 00:16:45,013
[laughter]
362
00:16:46,848 --> 00:16:49,017
And I'm not... I'm not joking at all.
363
00:16:49,084 --> 00:16:51,653
And I was just, like,
I know he's ready to go.
364
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:54,256
Speaking of care in elderly age,
365
00:16:54,322 --> 00:16:56,124
all of this data is a really good reason
366
00:16:56,191 --> 00:16:58,360
why heterosexual women
should date younger men.
367
00:16:58,427 --> 00:16:59,828
If you don't want to be a carer
368
00:16:59,895 --> 00:17:02,330
and you don't want to live your life
by yourself at the end,
369
00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:04,366
date a guy
five or ten years younger than you,
370
00:17:04,433 --> 00:17:06,034
Why should we date younger women though?
371
00:17:06,101 --> 00:17:07,269
Damn all this bullshit.
372
00:17:07,335 --> 00:17:09,871
-What's...
-[laughter]
373
00:17:09,938 --> 00:17:11,840
But if we date men
that are ten years younger,
374
00:17:11,907 --> 00:17:14,142
we'll die of sexual disappointment.
375
00:17:14,409 --> 00:17:15,977
[laughter]
376
00:17:16,912 --> 00:17:18,280
Fascinating stuff. Thank you, Mona!
377
00:17:18,346 --> 00:17:19,548
Thanks, guys. Bye.
378
00:17:19,614 --> 00:17:21,883
[cheering, applause]
379
00:17:22,684 --> 00:17:24,820
Let's get to the heart of the show:
the fixes.
380
00:17:24,886 --> 00:17:26,555
Time to deal with the aging population.
381
00:17:26,621 --> 00:17:30,158
DL, you're the elder statesman, so,
out of respect, your team get to go first.
382
00:17:30,225 --> 00:17:32,294
Please give it up for DL Hughley!
383
00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:34,396
[cheering, applause]
384
00:17:34,863 --> 00:17:35,931
Well...
385
00:17:38,567 --> 00:17:40,936
Jimmy, I think in order to solve
the aging population,
386
00:17:41,002 --> 00:17:43,371
we have to hit them where they live
and die.
387
00:17:43,438 --> 00:17:45,507
We have to close the state of Florida.
388
00:17:45,574 --> 00:17:47,375
[laughter]
389
00:17:48,443 --> 00:17:49,377
Yeah.
390
00:17:50,178 --> 00:17:52,681
I'm not proposing
that we close the state to everyone.
391
00:17:52,747 --> 00:17:53,715
Just old people.
392
00:17:53,782 --> 00:17:57,986
For years, Florida's been a sex-filled
playground for Nanas and Pop-pops.
393
00:17:58,854 --> 00:18:00,789
And their time is up.
394
00:18:00,856 --> 00:18:04,092
If you're young and dumb
and full of... promise...
395
00:18:04,159 --> 00:18:05,393
[laughter]
396
00:18:05,460 --> 00:18:09,564
...you can still party and play co-ed
naked lacrosse in Daytona Beach.
397
00:18:09,631 --> 00:18:13,034
But the second we see a grey bush,
your old ass has got to go.
398
00:18:13,101 --> 00:18:14,136
[laughter]
399
00:18:14,870 --> 00:18:17,005
In the US, the median life expectancy
400
00:18:17,072 --> 00:18:20,442
has increased from 45 to nearly 80
over the last 200 years,
401
00:18:20,509 --> 00:18:23,979
but the retirement age in the US
is still stuck at 66.
402
00:18:24,045 --> 00:18:26,515
That's why you close Florida.
403
00:18:26,581 --> 00:18:28,550
If you take
their retirement paradise away,
404
00:18:28,617 --> 00:18:31,686
those same old people are much more
likely to stay in the workforce
405
00:18:31,753 --> 00:18:33,421
and keep contributing to society.
406
00:18:33,488 --> 00:18:36,558
So get off your elderly ass
and chug your Ensure
407
00:18:36,658 --> 00:18:39,361
because you're back on the graveyard shift
at the docks, Grandma.
408
00:18:39,427 --> 00:18:40,862
[laughter]
409
00:18:40,929 --> 00:18:42,564
[whooping, applause]
410
00:18:42,631 --> 00:18:44,432
Like our new intern, Ruth. Come on, Ruth.
411
00:18:45,267 --> 00:18:48,403
Ruth was all slated
for a retirement village in Boca.
412
00:18:48,470 --> 00:18:51,540
Instead, she's joining us for the semester
as an unpaid intern.
413
00:18:51,606 --> 00:18:53,074
Ruth. Hey, Ruth!
414
00:18:53,141 --> 00:18:54,075
Ruth!
415
00:18:54,142 --> 00:18:56,144
[laughter]
416
00:18:56,211 --> 00:18:58,947
It's her first day.
She's going to get it eventually.
417
00:19:00,148 --> 00:19:02,150
That's my fix. Closing Florida.
418
00:19:02,784 --> 00:19:03,652
It's a great idea.
419
00:19:03,718 --> 00:19:05,220
[applause]
420
00:19:06,188 --> 00:19:09,224
You're essentially saying, DL, we need
to keep old people in the workforce.
421
00:19:09,291 --> 00:19:11,493
Look, if you can play golf,
you can pick fruit.
422
00:19:12,027 --> 00:19:13,795
[laughter]
423
00:19:13,862 --> 00:19:16,164
How are you going to make sure
that old people work longer?
424
00:19:16,231 --> 00:19:18,333
Well, you could use them in science.
425
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,202
Like experiments.
426
00:19:20,635 --> 00:19:23,071
-"In science."
-It's a good point. Hear him out.
427
00:19:23,538 --> 00:19:25,340
Let's... Yeah, let's hear him out.
428
00:19:25,407 --> 00:19:27,709
Like, "Does this burn?"
You know what I mean?
429
00:19:28,476 --> 00:19:30,212
Okay, we've heard him out
and it's not good.
430
00:19:30,278 --> 00:19:31,780
[laughter]
431
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:34,249
I like taking all old people
432
00:19:34,316 --> 00:19:36,952
and putting them in industries
you want to eliminate,
433
00:19:37,018 --> 00:19:38,620
like CrossFit or...
434
00:19:39,087 --> 00:19:40,322
[laughter]
435
00:19:40,655 --> 00:19:42,157
vape shops, right?
436
00:19:42,691 --> 00:19:44,626
Put old people in vape shops,
437
00:19:44,693 --> 00:19:45,827
no more vaping.
438
00:19:45,894 --> 00:19:46,761
Watch.
439
00:19:46,828 --> 00:19:48,697
[laughter]
440
00:19:49,231 --> 00:19:50,632
Okay, Katherine, what do you think?
441
00:19:51,099 --> 00:19:53,702
Florida is objectively garbage
442
00:19:53,768 --> 00:19:56,071
-and we should definitely...
-[laughter]
443
00:19:56,137 --> 00:19:57,539
...close it down.
444
00:19:58,073 --> 00:20:00,475
I'm only a guest here
in what's left of America...
445
00:20:00,542 --> 00:20:01,676
[laughter]
446
00:20:01,743 --> 00:20:07,382
...and even I know Florida has a worldwide
reputation for being utter trash.
447
00:20:07,449 --> 00:20:10,619
And luckily climate change
is helping us all along.
448
00:20:10,685 --> 00:20:12,320
It'll be underwater soon.
449
00:20:12,988 --> 00:20:15,223
But why not close it before then?
450
00:20:15,557 --> 00:20:16,391
[laughter]
451
00:20:16,458 --> 00:20:18,860
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's hear it for closing down Florida!
452
00:20:19,361 --> 00:20:20,562
It's a great fix.
453
00:20:20,629 --> 00:20:22,497
[applause]
454
00:20:23,832 --> 00:20:26,835
Katherine, Whitney,
you've both been 29 for a while now,
455
00:20:26,901 --> 00:20:29,304
so representing the younger generation,
456
00:20:29,371 --> 00:20:31,740
fixing the aging population,
take it away, Katherine Ryan!
457
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,276
-[Katherine] Thank you!
-[applause]
458
00:20:36,177 --> 00:20:41,149
Jimmy, I have made no secret of my hostile
feelings towards the sickening elderly.
459
00:20:41,549 --> 00:20:45,020
That's why my fix
for the problem of our aging population
460
00:20:45,086 --> 00:20:47,889
is to make America pregnant again.
461
00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:52,394
The global birth rate is less than half
of what it was 50 years ago.
462
00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:55,530
So the next time you kiss your grandma
with that mouth, DL,
463
00:20:55,597 --> 00:20:59,934
just think of how much raw-dog sex
she's enjoyed in her lifetime.
464
00:21:00,368 --> 00:21:02,003
[laughter]
465
00:21:04,372 --> 00:21:05,206
Wow.
466
00:21:05,707 --> 00:21:07,542
She really has.
467
00:21:07,609 --> 00:21:10,111
"Oh, be polite around me, Ma". Please!
468
00:21:10,178 --> 00:21:13,815
That woman could teach you ten ways to
suck a vintage dick and you'd be grateful.
469
00:21:13,882 --> 00:21:16,184
[laughter]
470
00:21:16,651 --> 00:21:18,987
The elderly were animals,
471
00:21:19,054 --> 00:21:22,324
who had nothing better to do
during the Depression but bang.
472
00:21:22,390 --> 00:21:24,259
And today we're on birth control,
473
00:21:24,326 --> 00:21:26,494
because it's the safest way
of protecting your autonomy,
474
00:21:26,561 --> 00:21:27,929
your goals and your dreams.
475
00:21:27,996 --> 00:21:29,264
And that's cool,
476
00:21:29,331 --> 00:21:33,635
but we kind of need more young people
to look after the disgusting old ones
477
00:21:33,702 --> 00:21:35,904
and who would you rather put a diaper on?
478
00:21:36,471 --> 00:21:37,439
That's what I thought.
479
00:21:37,505 --> 00:21:39,674
So let's MAPA.
480
00:21:40,909 --> 00:21:42,977
Make America pregnant again.
481
00:21:43,044 --> 00:21:44,379
[laughter]
482
00:21:44,979 --> 00:21:47,782
[applause, whooping]
483
00:21:48,583 --> 00:21:51,519
You're encouraging people to have babies
to combat the aging population.
484
00:21:51,586 --> 00:21:52,420
That's right.
485
00:21:52,487 --> 00:21:54,756
Okay.
What do you like so much about this idea?
486
00:21:54,823 --> 00:21:57,592
It's a brilliant idea.
However, there is a slight caveat.
487
00:21:57,659 --> 00:22:01,029
There are some people that we do not
want to encourage to procreate.
488
00:22:01,096 --> 00:22:05,100
If you've eaten a Tide Pod
in the last couple of years,
489
00:22:05,166 --> 00:22:07,602
if you call tank tops "wife beaters,"
490
00:22:07,669 --> 00:22:09,170
this does not apply to you.
491
00:22:09,237 --> 00:22:11,239
If you watch Fox News,
please don't do this.
492
00:22:11,306 --> 00:22:12,173
No.
493
00:22:12,874 --> 00:22:15,377
In lots of countries, there's
incentives for people having babies.
494
00:22:15,443 --> 00:22:17,445
You get tax breaks and things.
Will that be going on?
495
00:22:17,512 --> 00:22:22,517
Well, currently, if you have
a household income of under $110,000,
496
00:22:22,584 --> 00:22:24,753
you should get
about $1,000 for each child,
497
00:22:24,819 --> 00:22:26,254
and we'll put that right up,
498
00:22:26,321 --> 00:22:30,024
but then there will also be fines
if your children are awful.
499
00:22:30,091 --> 00:22:31,726
-So there'll be...
-[laughter]
500
00:22:31,793 --> 00:22:36,498
So there'll be a deduction if you scream
in a Target or run around a restaurant
501
00:22:36,564 --> 00:22:38,600
or watch an iPad without headphones.
502
00:22:38,666 --> 00:22:40,402
Then you get the money taken away.
503
00:22:40,468 --> 00:22:41,469
[laughter]
504
00:22:41,669 --> 00:22:44,506
Alright, Al, what do you think of
this idea? Make America pregnant again.
505
00:22:44,572 --> 00:22:48,176
It actually just made my testicles
climb up inside of my body.
506
00:22:48,243 --> 00:22:50,111
[laughter]
507
00:22:50,578 --> 00:22:52,447
Seek refuge in different parts.
508
00:22:52,514 --> 00:22:53,848
Here's the thing about it.
509
00:22:53,915 --> 00:22:55,517
I mean, we kind of alluded to it.
510
00:22:55,583 --> 00:22:56,918
It's not going to be that easy.
511
00:22:56,985 --> 00:23:00,722
You can't just go up to a guy at a bar and
be like, "Hey, you'd make a great dad."
512
00:23:00,789 --> 00:23:01,890
They don't like that.
513
00:23:01,956 --> 00:23:03,958
Like, "Would you put a baby in me?"
514
00:23:04,025 --> 00:23:05,794
You can't. You have to trick them.
515
00:23:05,860 --> 00:23:06,694
Yeah.
516
00:23:07,095 --> 00:23:09,597
We're looking for high-level trickery,
you know?
517
00:23:09,664 --> 00:23:12,634
-Like a Blac Chyna level of trickery.
-Yeah.
518
00:23:12,700 --> 00:23:13,968
[laughter]
519
00:23:14,035 --> 00:23:15,837
-Yes.
-I'm pretending I know who that is.
520
00:23:15,904 --> 00:23:17,972
You don't know who Blac Chyna is?
521
00:23:18,039 --> 00:23:20,842
She is our patron saint of this movement.
522
00:23:20,909 --> 00:23:22,310
-Yeah.
-[laughter]
523
00:23:22,377 --> 00:23:24,579
Give me what I need to know
about Blac Chyna just quickly.
524
00:23:24,646 --> 00:23:25,513
What did she do?
525
00:23:25,580 --> 00:23:27,248
-What didn't she do?
-[laughter]
526
00:23:28,016 --> 00:23:31,186
So many gold diggers overlooked
Rob Kardashian
527
00:23:31,252 --> 00:23:32,987
as an overweight sock designer.
528
00:23:33,054 --> 00:23:34,222
[laughter]
529
00:23:35,557 --> 00:23:37,625
[Carr laughs]
530
00:23:37,692 --> 00:23:41,796
But Blac Chyna very ruthlessly saw him
as the invilid that he is,
531
00:23:41,863 --> 00:23:43,398
-the perfect mark.
-[Whitney] Yup.
532
00:23:43,465 --> 00:23:45,733
And she has a child,
533
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:50,338
the only child of the Kardashian family
with the Kardashian name.
534
00:23:50,872 --> 00:23:52,874
[laughter, applause]
535
00:23:53,875 --> 00:23:56,277
Hey, don't hate the player. Hate the game.
536
00:23:56,344 --> 00:23:57,579
[laughter]
537
00:23:57,645 --> 00:23:59,714
Okay, let's hear it
for "Make America pregnant again."
538
00:23:59,781 --> 00:24:00,815
Thank you.
539
00:24:00,882 --> 00:24:02,817
[cheering, applause]
540
00:24:03,485 --> 00:24:06,588
So Katherine and Whitney are proposing
we all have unprotected sex
541
00:24:06,654 --> 00:24:09,424
and DL and Al are suggesting
we close Florida,
542
00:24:09,491 --> 00:24:11,292
the flaccid penis of America.
543
00:24:11,359 --> 00:24:12,861
[laughter]
544
00:24:13,094 --> 00:24:14,529
Audience, please vote now.
545
00:24:14,596 --> 00:24:18,166
And remember, your vote
determines the future of mankind.
546
00:24:18,666 --> 00:24:19,701
No pressure.
547
00:24:19,767 --> 00:24:20,969
[laughter]
548
00:24:21,903 --> 00:24:24,572
And I can tell you the votes are in.
It couldn't be much closer.
549
00:24:24,639 --> 00:24:26,774
The winner, with 55% of the vote,
550
00:24:26,841 --> 00:24:28,209
Katherine Ryan!
551
00:24:28,276 --> 00:24:29,310
[cheering and applause]
552
00:24:29,377 --> 00:24:31,412
-[Katherine] Well done.
-[Whitney] We did it.
553
00:24:31,479 --> 00:24:33,882
So that's that,
the aging population fixed.
554
00:24:34,215 --> 00:24:36,818
If you are over 75
and you're watching this,
555
00:24:36,885 --> 00:24:39,320
please report
to your local euthanasia center.
556
00:24:39,387 --> 00:24:40,822
[laughter]
557
00:24:40,889 --> 00:24:42,357
Thanks to Katherine Ryan,
558
00:24:42,423 --> 00:24:45,193
Whitney Cummings, DL Hughley
and Al Madrigal,
559
00:24:45,260 --> 00:24:47,695
our brilliant data expert, Mona Chalabi,
560
00:24:47,762 --> 00:24:50,565
everyone here in the studio
and all of you for watching.
561
00:24:50,632 --> 00:24:53,568
We'll be solving more
of the world's problems in five,
562
00:24:53,635 --> 00:24:57,038
four, three, two, one.
563
00:24:57,105 --> 00:25:00,475
[applause, theme music playing]