Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and this is The Fix...
the show where we try and solve the world's problems.
If you want to hear people complain about the world's problems,
just watch the news.
On this episode, we're going to fix the aging population.
Despite the best efforts of Botox, the population is getting older.
By the time you finish watching this program,
112 American seniors will have died,
which is tragically not nearly enough.
It's true. There simply aren't enough young people
to support the largest generation ever to hit retirement age.
We're either going to have to pay higher taxes
or drastically increase the cost
of Werther's Originals, bundt cake and catheters.
Basically, old people are a terrible burden.
Did you hear that, old people?
I said you're a terrible burden.
So we've got half an hour to sort out the aging population.
And we'd better be quick,
because our panel of comedians are getting older every minute.
Welcome to The Fix.
Here's how the show works.
I've challenged two teams of comedians
to come up with a fix for the aging population.
At the end of the show, our audience will be voting for their favorite fix
and that'll be that, another problem solved.
Jay-Z will only have 98 things to worry about.
Joining me today are Katherine Ryan and Whitney Cummings.
And DL Hughley and Al Madrigal.
Later on, we'll be hearing the team's fixes.
But before that, let's take a closer look at the problem. Here's a fact for you.
By 2045, in the US, there will be more people over 75 than children.
Jimmy, I'm disgusted and disturbed by the presence of the elderly,
but I...
As are we all, Katherine. As are we all.
I researched it
and they do, as it turns out, have a legal right to exist.
And there'll be 1.4 billion people over 60 by 2030
and I don't like it, Jimmy,
but I do understand that people want some of the great mysteries of our time
to be solved before they die.
I want to know who killedÂ JonBenÃ©t.
I want to know what kind of old lady Britney Spears turns into.
Im going to stick around for that.
Okay. Whitney, what do you think?
I think this is great news. I love old people.
I think they're incredible. They make me feel great about myself.
Our generation...
We are very concerned about our appearance.
I spent two hours getting ready.
When I go visit my mom at her nursing home, half the women have beards.
I love them.
Do you worry about getting old? Especially in our profession.
Oh, I'm like two years away from playing corpse number five on CSI.
Aw, she thinks it's two years away.
Al, are you worried about getting older?
No, I'm not worried about getting older at all, because I'm a Latino actor.
I've got the wise old Latino algebra teacher years ahead of me.
It must be nice, Al. I'm 35. I was considered old ten years ago.
Sorry, you're 35?
I'm 35.
Sorry, we've just had a call in. You've got to go.
I'm so sorry.
Women do have to worry about existing
during what I call the Bermuda Triangle of our careers.
If you can make it through and come out Betty White, then you're employed again.
But there is a dangerous period where we just disappear.
It's amazing, because when people worry about getting older,
I'm a black dude in America. I'm glad I made it this far.
This is good for me.
This is all bonus time. All bonus time.
I'm hoping I make it to the end of the show.
Who's gonna take care of you when you're old?
I'm rich, so two fine-ass Puerto Rican nurses.
Seriously, DL, how do you feel about being a terrible burden to your kids?
I feel like I busted my ass to make all this money.
They can wipe my ass to get it.
That, again, is like...
You've got kids, Al.
I've got two kids.
I actually told my son about inheritance.
My son asked me... He goes, "Dad, when are we going to get the big house?"
I wanted to say, "You're the big house, you little son of a bitch,"
but...
I said, "Well, a lot of people who get their big houses
get it through inheritance."
And he goes, "What's inheritance?"
And then I had to explain that,
but really what I did is I put us on Nana and Papa deathwatch.
Because he's putting his skateboard out, hoping that they're going to fall.
"I want my pool, bitch."
Isn't that funny, when you actually see your parents spending money
into their older ages and you're like, "Hey, do we really need that?
You got to buy everything on TV?
You don't want to leave a little bit behind for us?"
I think it's a good idea to embrace the sweet, sweet elderly lifestyle
when you're young.
I enjoy the same things as older women.
I have a shopping trolley that I drag around town.
I like elaborate fashions that confuse and repulse men.
And I have...
I have a bunch of those teeny dogs
that just shiver and piss from their eyes.
You know those?
I've got three of those.
You're basically an old lady before your time.
You'll probably have a good view on this,
because we've got to get the balance right between old and young.
And some bits of you, Katherine, are very old and some are very young.
Bits as in physical bits?
Physical bits, yes. What's the youngest bit of you, Katherine?
How dare you?
Because you know that I had a boob job back when it was still dangerous.
I don't even know what's in there. They could explode at any moment.
You know those...
Those little...
You know the goldfish that you can win at the carnival?
In sacks. It might be that.
My boobs will be 17 in November.
Too old for an Alabama congressman.
Thank you.
Okay, moving on, people are living much longer. That's part of the problem.
What's the ideal age to die?
I don't really care when I die, as long as it's after my husband dies,
because I don't want my husband planning my funeral.
Because I feel like he's going to dress my corpse the way he wished I dressed.
I feel like my corpse is going to be in a little cheerleading costume.
And have a side ponytail.
Al, how would you like to go?
Death by chocolate, right?
And by chocolate, I mean a black stripper named Chocolate.
Right? Same sort of thing.
DL, what about you? When do you want to go?
I think the ideal way to die is with your kids arguing over who loved you the most.
Is that the ideal way? I'd like to drown in pussy.
You might want to tryÂ getting it wet then.
Too good.
Oh, God.
You know what? It's kind of nice.
I was around when we were afraid of white guys.
It's so nice to be able to just insult them.
They're on the run.
This is very new, that we're allowed to do this in America. It's really exciting.
-Wait a minute. We are? -Yeah!
Oh, you told DL!
Okay, in Japan, the aging population is a massive problem, biggest in the world.
And there's a surprising consequence.
Adult diapers now outsell diapers for babies.
They even put on adult diaper fashion shows.
Take a look.
From the look of this,Â I guess I'm wearing my adult diapers wrong.
I didn't know you're supposed to wear the black tights underneath.
I just thought they were for shitting.
And...
I didn't know you were supposed to form an improv troupe
or whatever the fuck this is.
Here's a really sad fact about Japan, okay.
In Japan, there's been a massive increase in crimes committed by the elderly
and the reason they're committing these crimes
is they get better care and it's not so lonely in prison.
-That's sad. -There's a positive spin on this.
You can say, "Of course, my parents live in a gated community.
They're in jail."
That's why Japanese prison, lights out, 5:45.
I've got a lot of the crimes. Do you want to hear a bunch of them?
Okay. So elderly crimes, go ahead.
Kidnapping.
With the emphasis on the napping.
Also cyberbullying...
via fax.
They're doing a lot of that.
Breaking, entering and then forgotten why you've gone in the room.
Yes, exactly.
Do war crimes count?
There's actually been a boom in what the Japanese are calling silver porn,
which features actors in their 70s.
They've got titles like Forbidden Elderly Care
and Nursing Home Nymphos.
Oh, yeah,
I think someone's recognized someone from that film.
Do you find it troubling, the idea of old people going at it?
I'm for this. Sorry if I'm in the minority. I'm very into this.
I think the problem with porn is it has very unrealistic standards of women.
That's what bothers me about it.
If there's more silver porn like this,
anytime my boyfriend's like, "Hey, baby, wanna watch some dirty porn?"
I'm like, "Yes, I do. In fact, I've got some right here."
-[Katherine laughs] -"It's called...
A Wrinkle in My Behind."
[laughter]
"You're going to love it."
[laughter and applause]
[Carr] So here's something fun for you.
We've got picturesÂ of our panel as babies
and then we've used special technology to age them.
So, DL...
-Here's DL as a baby. -[laughter]
Sorry, DL, that's the best photo of you as a baby, so...
Well...
I was in the witness protection program, so...
[laughter]
[DL] My father drew that.
[laughter]
It really does look like a charcoal sketch.
-Yeah. -What?
[laughter]
[Carr] That's, uh...
[applause]
This is DL as an old man.
[Whitney] Nah!
Come on, man.
I think you look pretty cool as an old dude.
What do I brush my teeth with? Clay?
[laughter]
I guess at some stage your dentist dies.
And you can't bear to go and see a new guy.
[laughter]
Okay, I've got Al as a child.
This is a baby photo of Al Madrigal.
-[all] Aww! -[Whitney] Oh, my gosh!
That's... I didn't even realize you were in The Jackson 5.
[laughter]
Here's Al as an old man.
[laughter]
I look like the wise, old Latino algebra teacher that I was talking about earlier.
-[laughter] -This fall on NBC.
Okay, here's Whitney as a baby.
[all] Oh!
Okay, pedophiles, calm down.
[laughter]
What were you like as a child?
I thought, when I was a kid, thatÂ Roseanne was a good role model, you know.
I thought that Bill Cosby was a good dad.
I was a stupid child.
[laughter]
Before we look at Whitney, age 100,
if you're of a sensitive disposition, look away now.
[Whitney laughs, gasps]
[laughter]
[Whitney] You know what?
I look fucking amazing.
[laughter]
You know what?
That is what Hollywood producers...
That's how they see me now, so...
[laughter]
This is Katherine Ryan as a baby. Have a look.
-[all] Oh! -[Carr] Talk us through that picture,
Katherine, because it would appear that you have ginger hair there.
Yes. My mother permed my hair,
because she thought it would help me on the pageant circuit.
[laughter]
-Is that true? -Yes.
And then it made a lot of it kind of go crispy and red.
I will say I remember crying...
for hours before that photo was taken
and then, just as the flash went off, you can see I pulled it together
and I was like... [inhales]
[groans] And I got the photo.
We've got a picture of Katherine,Â age 100.
[laughter]
[Carr] Yeah.
No, her...
Her guy is the best.
-[Katherine] Amazing. -You guys are dicks.
[laughter]
-No, we're-- -They're not wrong.
That is so mean
and so funny.
I hate how funny that is.
Okay, no, we've got a picture of Katherine aged.
-[Whitney] Yes! -[audience exclaims]
Hey, Katherine and I are going to get a lot of dick when we're 100.
I see you've got the same dentist as DL at that point.
[laughter]
In the interest of fairness, I suppose we'd better look... Here's me as a child.
[all] Oh.
You look super pasty and white.
-I mean, nothing's changed. -[laughter]
I'm no longer wearing a tie because I decided to be more relaxed.
[laughter]
Was that how your parents dressed you or was that a uniform for an academy?
I was actually in a youth movement.
[laughter]
Here's me at 100.
[audience exclaims]
You look like the guy who just drove his car through a farmers market.
[laughter]
That is exactly it.
"I thought it was in reverse."
[laughter]
Okay, so...
Here on The Fix, we have our very own data expert. Please welcome Mona Chalabi!
[cheering, applause]
-[Carr] Hi, Mona. -[Mona] Hi, Jimmy.
The aging population is what we we're talking about.
-Give us some data. -[Mona] Okay.
In almost every country in the world, women live longer than men.
Three whole years. As you can see in some charts I've drawn.
The question is why?
One theory is that men's lives can be more dangerous.
That explains why girls born in Syria today
are expected to live seven years longer than boys.
Another theory is about healthy habits.
That women just take better care of themselves.
For example, Russian women live 8.4 years longer than Russian men,
who consume lot more alcohol.
There are just three countries in the world though
where men actually live a little longer than women.
Bahrain, Bhutan and Kuwait.
All countries where women's health is affected by weaker women's rights.
But it can't just be lifestyle factors.
Most women's lives have improved over recent decades
and the gap in life expectancy hasn't got much bigger.
So what's going on?
One of the best theories we have
is that the world just needs women more than it needs men.
[laughter, applause]
[Carr] Whoa!
Well, that's...
Yeah, cool.
That's all we have time for, Mona.
[laughter]
I've got evidence.
Mona, Mona!
The male role in reproduction is a bit hit and run
and depends much less on his long-term health.
But the female role is obviously more important.
So women are in better shape naturally and that results in us living longer.
To sum up, Jimmy, men are useless.
[laughter]
When did my wife start writing for this show?
[laughter]
I've just got to announce, based on this information,
that I've got to cancel all my comedy dates
at the Bhutan Comedy Pagoda.
[laughter]
I'm also canceling my appearance on the comedy radio show
Kuwait, Wait Don't Tell Her.
[laughter]
[applause]
So you're saying that men aren't needed
because women have got a more important reproductive role.
Men's health isn't as crucial for the future of humanity
as women's health is.
Are you surprised by that?
Well, I think actually these studies are a little bit flawed.
It's probably not that women only live three years longer than men,
because most of us lie about our age.
We actually live way longer.
[laughter]
-DL, what do you make of this? -It's fair.
I think it's fair that women live longer.
Because by the time men get to a certain age, we're ready to go.
My father... This is true.
My father came on this experimental medication.
My mother has been trying to kill my father for, like, 30 years.
[laughter]
He takes the medication
and she goes, "Why don't you just let the Lord do his work?"
[laughter]
And I'm not... I'm not joking at all.
And I was just, like, I know he's ready to go.
Speaking of care in elderly age,
all of this data is a really good reason
why heterosexual women should date younger men.
If you don't want to be a carer
and you don't want to live your life by yourself at the end,
date a guy five or ten years younger than you,
Why should we date younger women though?
Damn all this bullshit.
-What's... -[laughter]
But if we date men that are ten years younger,
we'll die of sexual disappointment.
[laughter]
Fascinating stuff. Thank you, Mona!
Thanks, guys. Bye.
[cheering, applause]
Let's get to the heart of the show: the fixes.
Time to deal with the aging population.
DL, you're the elder statesman, so, out of respect, your team get to go first.
Please give it up for DL Hughley!
[cheering, applause]
Well...
Jimmy, I think in order to solve the aging population,
we have to hit them where they live and die.
We have to close the state of Florida.
[laughter]
Yeah.
I'm not proposing that we close the state to everyone.
Just old people.
For years, Florida's been a sex-filled playground for Nanas and Pop-pops.
And their time is up.
If you're young and dumb and full of... promise...
[laughter]
...you can still party and play co-ed naked lacrosse in Daytona Beach.
But the second we see a grey bush, your old ass has got to go.
[laughter]
In the US, the median life expectancy
has increased from 45 to nearly 80 over the last 200 years,
but the retirement age in the US is still stuck at 66.
That's why you close Florida.
If you take their retirement paradise away,
those same old people are much more likely to stay in the workforce
and keep contributing to society.
So get off your elderly ass and chug your Ensure
because you're back on the graveyard shift at the docks, Grandma.
[laughter]
[whooping, applause]
Like our new intern, Ruth. Come on, Ruth.
Ruth was all slated for a retirement village in Boca.
Instead, she's joining us for the semester as an unpaid intern.
Ruth. Hey, Ruth!
Ruth!
[laughter]
It's her first day. She's going to get it eventually.
That's my fix. Closing Florida.
It's a great idea.
[applause]
You're essentially saying, DL, we need to keep old people in the workforce.
Look, if you can play golf, you can pick fruit.
[laughter]
How are you going to make sure that old people work longer?
Well, you could use them in science.
Like experiments.
-"In science." -It's a good point. Hear him out.
Let's... Yeah, let's hear him out.
Like, "Does this burn?" You know what I mean?
Okay, we've heard him out and it's not good.
[laughter]
I like taking all old people
and putting them in industries you want to eliminate,
like CrossFit or...
[laughter]
vape shops, right?
Put old people in vape shops,
no more vaping.
Watch.
[laughter]
Okay, Katherine, what do you think?
Florida is objectively garbage
-and we should definitely... -[laughter]
...close it down.
I'm only a guest here in what's left of America...
[laughter]
...and even I know Florida has a worldwide reputation for being utter trash.
And luckily climate change is helping us all along.
It'll be underwater soon.
But why not close it before then?
[laughter]
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for closing down Florida!
It's a great fix.
[applause]
Katherine, Whitney, you've both been 29 for a while now,
so representing the younger generation,
fixing the aging population, take it away, Katherine Ryan!
-[Katherine] Thank you! -[applause]
Jimmy, I have made no secret of my hostile feelings towards the sickening elderly.
That's why my fix for the problem of our aging population
is to make America pregnant again.
The global birth rate is less than half of what it was 50 years ago.
So the next time you kiss your grandma with that mouth, DL,
just think of how much raw-dog sex she's enjoyed in her lifetime.
[laughter]
Wow.
She really has.
"Oh, be polite around me, Ma". Please!
That woman could teach you ten ways to suck a vintage dick and you'd be grateful.
[laughter]
The elderly were animals,
who had nothing better to do during the Depression but bang.
And today we're on birth control,
because it's the safest way of protecting your autonomy,
your goals and your dreams.
And that's cool,
but we kind of need more young people to look after the disgusting old ones
and who would you rather put a diaper on?
That's what I thought.
So let's MAPA.
Make America pregnant again.
[laughter]
[applause, whooping]
You're encouraging people to have babies to combat the aging population.
That's right.
Okay. What do you like so much about this idea?
It's a brilliant idea. However, there is a slight caveat.
There are some people that we do not want to encourage to procreate.
If you've eaten a Tide Pod in the last couple of years,
if you call tank tops "wife beaters,"
this does not apply to you.
If you watch Fox News, please don't do this.
No.
In lots of countries, there's incentives for people having babies.
You get tax breaks and things. Will that be going on?
Well, currently, if you have a household income of under $110,000,
you should get about $1,000 for each child,
and we'll put that right up,
but then there will also be fines if your children are awful.
-So there'll be... -[laughter]
So there'll be a deduction if you scream in a Target or run around a restaurant
or watch an iPad without headphones.
Then you get the money taken away.
[laughter]
Alright, Al, what do you think of this idea? Make America pregnant again.
It actually just made my testicles climb up inside of my body.
[laughter]
Seek refuge in different parts.
Here's the thing about it.
I mean, we kind of alluded to it.
It's not going to be that easy.
You can't just go up to a guy at a bar and be like, "Hey, you'd make a great dad."
They don't like that.
Like, "Would you put a baby in me?"
You can't. You have to trick them.
Yeah.
We're looking for high-level trickery, you know?
-Like a Blac Chyna level of trickery. -Yeah.
[laughter]
-Yes. -I'm pretending I know who that is.
You don't know who Blac Chyna is?
She is our patron saint of this movement.
-Yeah. -[laughter]
Give me what I need to know about Blac Chyna just quickly.
What did she do?
-What didn't she do? -[laughter]
So many gold diggers overlooked Rob Kardashian
as an overweight sock designer.
[laughter]
[Carr laughs]
But Blac Chyna very ruthlessly saw him as the invilid that he is,
-the perfect mark. -[Whitney] Yup.
And she has a child,
the only child of the Kardashian family with the Kardashian name.
[laughter, applause]
Hey, don't hate the player. Hate the game.
[laughter]
Okay, let's hear it for "Make America pregnant again."
Thank you.
[cheering, applause]
So Katherine and Whitney are proposing we all have unprotected sex
and DL and Al are suggesting we close Florida,
the flaccid penis of America.
[laughter]
Audience, please vote now.
And remember, your vote determines the future of mankind.
No pressure.
[laughter]
And I can tell you the votes are in. It couldn't be much closer.
The winner, with 55% of the vote,
Katherine Ryan!
[cheering and applause]
-[Katherine] Well done. -[Whitney] We did it.
So that's that, the aging population fixed.
If you are over 75 and you're watching this,
please report to your local euthanasia center.
[laughter]
Thanks to Katherine Ryan,
Whitney Cummings, DL Hughley and Al Madrigal,
our brilliant data expert, Mona Chalabi,
everyone here in the studio and all of you for watching.
We'll be solving more of the world's problems in five,
four, three, two, one.
[applause, theme music playing]