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[cheering, applause]
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Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr
and this is The Fix,
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the show where we tackle
the world's biggest problems,
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00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:21,597
because, well, Carpool Karaoke
has already been done.
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In this episode,
we'll be fixing social media.
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Specifically how it's ruining our lives.
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Hashtag sad face.
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[laughter]
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Face-to-face human interaction
is becoming the exception.
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These days, we communicate online,
anonymously,
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and with our trousers round our ankles.
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[laughter]
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If things carry on like this,
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pretty soon actual conversation
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will become something done
solely by old people,
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like sending letters or racism.
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[laughter]
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But there are positives to social media.
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YouTube can teach you all sorts of things.
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I learned how to apply eyeliner
whilst making a pipe bomb
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and eating a Tide Pod.
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[laughter]
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I know it has its critics,
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but social media is a great way
for kids to meet like-minded peadophiles.
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[laughter]
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And social media has allowed people
to groom children
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without all the hassle
of having to join the Catholic Church.
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[scattered laughter, gasps]
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Oh, I'm the bad guy?
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[laughter]
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We're going to try to solve the problem
of social media
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using a bunch of comedians with fewer
followers than Kim Kardashian's gardener.
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[laughter]
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Welcome to The Fix.
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[cheering, applause]
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[intro music playing]
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So here's how the show works.
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I've challenged two teams of comedians
to come up with a fix for social media.
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Our studio audience will be voting
at the end of the show.
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The idea that gets the most likes
will be upvoted the verified winner.
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So here to fix social media
are Katherine Ryan and Nikki Glaser.
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-[applause]
-Hello. Thank you for being here.
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And DL Hughley and Michael Ian Black.
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[cheers and applause]
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Later on,
we'll be hearing the teams' fixes,
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But, before that, let's take a closer look
at the problem.
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So social media,
what are your thoughts?
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-It sucks.
-[laughter]
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It's both the best thing
that ever happened to me
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and the worst thing
that ever happened to me.
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It's sort of like my kids.
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It's kind of the same.
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[laughter]
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I think about it all the time
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and I feel like I lavish
a lot of attention on it,
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but it gives me really nothing in return.
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[laughter]
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-Again, like my children.
-[laughter]
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It is like kids, isn't it?
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It's weird having 5,000 friends
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and only one them will help you move.
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[laughter]
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I find it's really depressing
as a single woman.
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I'm 34 and my mood will be determined
by whether or not a guy I like
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watches my Instagram story.
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And, if he didn't watch it,
I'm meaner to my dogs that day.
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That's... That's crazy.
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[laughter]
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But that's my reality right now.
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And it's sad.
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I'm absolutely addicted to my phone.
Absolutely.
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What's the longest you've gone
not looking at your phone?
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I don't go without it.
I'll take off one social...
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I'll take off Instagram.
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But you know I'm on the others then.
There's no way I'm...
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The day that I'm not on any of them
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is the day that I'm trending on Twitter
because I'm dead.
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[laughter]
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Which is the irony.
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What's your relationship
with social media?
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I love social media.
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It ruins lives. But not mine, because...
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[laughter]
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...I'm shallow and unfriendly.
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[laughter]
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-[Katherine] Anyone who thinks...
-[Carr laughs]
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It's funnier if you know her.
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[laughter]
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Anyone who thinks we need
more eye contact
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and human interaction
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has never been a woman on a bus.
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We don't need those things,
and it does ruin lives.
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The other day, I was introduced
to a very charming Instahoe...
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Have you met one of these?
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I'm aware of them.
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An Instahoe is a special kind of creature
who's not...
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It's not her fault. She was beautiful.
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-Right.
-Beautiful.
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But awful. And I feel...
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I feel we have participated
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in the dismantling
of this woman's personality
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by rewarding vacuous beauty.
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It's not her fault.
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A horrible person. Great tits.
Not her fault.
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-[laughter]
-Right, and every Instahoe is like...
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All the guys that I'm trying to pursue,
I'll see who they like on Instagram.
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And all the women just look
different versions of wet.
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They're just all saturated now.
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Every woman just must have this dewy look,
just embryonic.
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You know, like just came out...
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-They're just getting wetter and wetter.
-They're wet.
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And I'm trying to do it,
but it's exhausting.
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I'm dry as fuck and I can't keep up.
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But everyone on Instagram is wet.
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What are we talking about now?
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I'm talking about Instahoes.
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These women are just wet.
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I think you're supposed to look as wet
as you are on the inside on the outside.
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[laughter]
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I just can't tell you how much
I love hearing white woman say "hoe."
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It's so nice to me.
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[laughter and applause]
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I'm moist right now.
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Do you have a lot of followers, DL?
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-I do.
-You do.
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I do, but I think it's amazing.
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You're right, the more voyeuristic,
the more, like, willing...
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If you set yourself on fire
or do something crazy,
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you get a lot of followers.
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It does seem
like it's a competitive thing now
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where people are judging their self-worth.
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I remember when Kanye trended
because he said slavery was a choice,
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which would mean that Harriet Tubman
was just a travel agent.
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That would probably mean that.
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[laughter]
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[applause]
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Michael, how much of your life
do you share on social media?
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Er, you know, I don't...
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Here's the thing. I don't
pay much attention to my social media.
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I'm on Twitter. I've got...
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I don't even keep track of the followers.
I think it's like 2.187 million followers.
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But I couldn't tell you to the tens
how many it is.
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[laughter]
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I share a lot. I do share a lot.
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Do you overshare, do you feel?
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I don't... Well, here's the thing.
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I share exactly how I'm feeling
at any given moment,
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but I don't share particularly personal
moments about my life.
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I won't say a thing about
this stupid show. You know what I mean?
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[laughter]
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Great to have you here.
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[Nikki] No, that is the problem, Jimmy.
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Our mother's biggest fear for us
growing up
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was, "Don't tell anyone where you are."
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As a young girl,
you're supposed to be private
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and every night, I'm like, "I'm at
The Comedy Store at 8:10. Come murder me."
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And then I give a discount code
so they can get in cheaper to murder me.
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You can murder me any night you want,
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I am broadcasting it out there.
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It's so dangerous.
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But here's the thing, Nikki.
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If you just stay wet enough,
the knife will slide right off.
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That's where it comes in handy.
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[Michael] Right off.
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[applause]
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You're right, Michael.
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It's a lubricant, yeah.
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Weirdly, your shoulder looks kind of wet.
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It is.
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What have you got on there?
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I sprayed...
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You have to look
like you're glowing constantly.
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People go to me,
"Oh, my God, Nikki, you're glowing."
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I'm like, "I literally sprayed
metallic paint on myself.
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It's not some inner radiance. I'm sad."
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[laughter]
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[Carr] Have you--
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I literally have Sally Hansen leg spray
on me, Jimmy.
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Don't hug me, it'll come off on you.
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I'm so 34 and lonely.
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Have you... Have you ever overshared?
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Yes, I just did!
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[laughter]
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I can't stop.
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[laughter and applause]
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Here's an amazing fact for you.
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50% of people using social media
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said it had a negative effect
on their relationship.
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I feel like my relationship has suffered.
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I'm married. I've been married forever.
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And it was sort of like...
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What's nice is, like, I'm on social media
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and my wife will be like,
"Can you get off that, please?"
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But I also ordered
a bag of Oxycodone from India once
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and she was like, "Can you get off that?"
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I was like, "Sure.
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But let me keep the social media."
She's like, "Deal."
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[laughter]
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[Carr] Smart.
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That's genius.
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I like using it as a tool to investigate
and assess my relationship.
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[laughter]
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Yeah.
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Don't shake your head, sir.
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You should never have been DM-ing
those women in the first place.
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[laughter]
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Not just how they use it
and who they message,
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but just their personality really unfolds
on social media.
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I used to look at one of my ex's feeds
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and go, "He seems
like a narcissistic psychopath,"
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and it wasn't until eight months later
in my relationship,
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I was like,
"Oh, a narcissistic pychopath."
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[Nikki] Yes.
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You know what?
I think you're really right about that.
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You'll be interested in a guy and then...
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Have you ever checked a guy's Twitter feed
and been like, "Urgh."
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Like, "Shut up."
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It is so hot to find a guy not on Twitter.
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So rare.
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Who keeps his thoughts to himself. Ugh!
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[laughter]
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It's... You can't find it anymore.
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Nikki, has social media
affected your relationships?
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Yeah. I wouldn't have relationships
if it wasn't for men sliding into my DMs,
225
00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:10,125
so I'm grateful for it.
226
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Well, they're so wet.
It's a Slip 'n' Slide.
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[laughter]
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Social media can be highly addictive.
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Here's a report about some British
teenagers going cold turkey.
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[woman] The girls agreed
to keep a video diary
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using a mini-camera, no screen obviously,
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to document how they coped.
233
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It's raining outside,
234
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and because I didn't have a phone
or Wi-Fi,
235
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I couldn't search up the weather.
236
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So I just left and started walking
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and it started to rain.
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[groans]
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I know in about five to ten minutes,
when I arrive at the pub,
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not having my phone is going to be
a real struggle for me,
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because I'm going to be sitting there
and I'm going to be bored,
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because I'm just...
243
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It's only going to be me, my sister,
my dad, his girlfriend and her daughter.
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So we're not going to do much.
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[laughter and applause]
246
00:10:01,143 --> 00:10:04,413
Of course, another great way
to check the weather is the cloud.
247
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:05,814
Or as I call them, clouds.
248
00:10:05,881 --> 00:10:06,982
[laughter]
249
00:10:07,049 --> 00:10:09,618
How would you feel
about every embarrassing thing you've done
250
00:10:09,685 --> 00:10:11,587
as a teenager being recorded forever?
251
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It's the most horrifying thing
I can think of.
252
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We're so lucky.
253
00:10:15,257 --> 00:10:17,993
So lucky. That's why I never signed up
for The Real World.
254
00:10:18,093 --> 00:10:20,562
I was like, "I'm going to get drunk
and throw up on some guy
255
00:10:20,629 --> 00:10:22,965
while I'm blowing him,
and it's gonna out there forever."
256
00:10:23,032 --> 00:10:24,433
-[laughter]
-That would have been me.
257
00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:26,101
New Orleans, Season 10.
258
00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:27,970
[laughter]
259
00:10:28,737 --> 00:10:31,940
I wish what I had been doing
as a teenager was online.
260
00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:34,710
I was cool. I was in a band when I was...
261
00:10:34,777 --> 00:10:37,613
I played CBGB's when I was a teenager.
262
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:38,681
Sorry?
263
00:10:38,747 --> 00:10:40,249
What band were you in?
264
00:10:40,315 --> 00:10:42,151
Well, please don't misunderstand me.
265
00:10:42,217 --> 00:10:46,188
The band... They had an open mic night
essentially at CBGB's on Monday nights.
266
00:10:46,255 --> 00:10:48,557
Anybody could show up,
but we showed up
267
00:10:48,624 --> 00:10:51,927
and we played and it was fucking rad
that we did that
268
00:10:51,994 --> 00:10:53,395
That's the coolest thing I ever did.
269
00:10:53,462 --> 00:10:55,898
I was 16 years old. Ever since then...
[blows raspberry]
270
00:10:56,632 --> 00:11:00,102
If you're a younger person watching,
"rad" is what dads call "good."
271
00:11:00,169 --> 00:11:01,070
[laughter]
272
00:11:03,172 --> 00:11:04,807
[applause]
273
00:11:04,873 --> 00:11:07,042
DL, do you think you could go a day
without your phone?
274
00:11:07,109 --> 00:11:09,945
Yeah, of course. But I never like...
I'm not...
275
00:11:10,012 --> 00:11:12,181
I never needed for anything I did
276
00:11:12,247 --> 00:11:15,150
to be published, because I've got a mother
who won't forget shit, so it's...
277
00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:16,418
[laughter]
278
00:11:18,153 --> 00:11:21,690
I'm just trying to think of a time
when you're not on your phone...
279
00:11:21,757 --> 00:11:24,426
Do you ever do that?
You congratulate yourself a little bit.
280
00:11:24,493 --> 00:11:27,663
Like you go to a movie
and you don't check it for half the movie,
281
00:11:27,730 --> 00:11:29,898
because I can't last the whole time,
but, like...
282
00:11:30,432 --> 00:11:32,868
You go half the movie
and I kind of look at it in my purse,
283
00:11:32,935 --> 00:11:34,336
and I'm like, "I'm so strong."
284
00:11:34,403 --> 00:11:35,537
[Carr] I've genuinely...
285
00:11:35,604 --> 00:11:37,106
Genuinely, I have an issue with this.
286
00:11:37,172 --> 00:11:40,275
I'm obsessed now by watching
foreign films and foreign TV shows
287
00:11:40,342 --> 00:11:41,510
where there's subtitles,
288
00:11:41,577 --> 00:11:44,513
because you have to actually watch it
and not check your phone.
289
00:11:44,580 --> 00:11:46,582
Yes, that's good.
You force yourself to read.
290
00:11:46,648 --> 00:11:47,483
Yeah.
291
00:11:47,549 --> 00:11:49,952
But you are reading
when you use your phone.
292
00:11:50,018 --> 00:11:51,587
There's a lot of shame involved.
293
00:11:51,653 --> 00:11:53,455
"Oh, she's on her phone."
294
00:11:53,522 --> 00:11:54,823
You're reading things on it.
295
00:11:54,890 --> 00:11:57,626
If it were a book,
"Oh Nikki's such a little bookworm."
296
00:11:57,693 --> 00:11:58,761
She's reading!
297
00:11:58,827 --> 00:12:01,663
Katherine,
what are you reading on your phone?
298
00:12:01,730 --> 00:12:04,199
What is your favorite site?
What do you visit?
299
00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:07,536
Well, I'm on Instagram,
Instagram Stories, Twitter.
300
00:12:08,070 --> 00:12:11,673
The period tracker app,
WhatsApp, Facebook.
301
00:12:11,740 --> 00:12:13,809
Can anybody sign up
for the period tracker?
302
00:12:13,876 --> 00:12:14,743
Yes.
303
00:12:14,810 --> 00:12:17,679
Is that just a social media thing
where you're like, "I'm on the rag,"
304
00:12:17,746 --> 00:12:19,148
and everybody can be like, "Me too"?
305
00:12:19,214 --> 00:12:20,149
Can I...
306
00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:23,152
You could do that.
307
00:12:23,218 --> 00:12:25,821
No, you put your period
in your phone once,
308
00:12:25,888 --> 00:12:27,623
you just bleed on it a little bit,
and then...
309
00:12:27,689 --> 00:12:28,957
Just a bit.
310
00:12:29,024 --> 00:12:29,992
You just...
311
00:12:30,058 --> 00:12:33,095
I'm kidding.
You just manually rub blood on it.
312
00:12:33,162 --> 00:12:34,630
-And then it...
-[laughter]
313
00:12:34,696 --> 00:12:35,864
It tells you when it's coming.
314
00:12:35,931 --> 00:12:37,065
It tells you other stuff too.
315
00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:39,635
"Today's the day
you're most likely to cry on a treadmill."
316
00:12:39,701 --> 00:12:40,536
[laughter]
317
00:12:40,602 --> 00:12:43,539
It'll warn you, so you don't stab someone
in the grocery store.
318
00:12:43,605 --> 00:12:45,374
It'll be like, "Keep it together today."
319
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:46,608
I don't know about other guys.
320
00:12:46,675 --> 00:12:48,610
I'm just finding out about this.
321
00:12:48,677 --> 00:12:51,780
Why am I not linked
to my other half's period tracker?
322
00:12:51,847 --> 00:12:53,482
It would help me tremendously.
323
00:12:54,183 --> 00:12:55,284
You should be.
324
00:12:55,350 --> 00:12:57,719
[applause, whooping]
325
00:12:57,786 --> 00:13:01,890
A designer in Austria has created
something to help social media addicts.
326
00:13:01,957 --> 00:13:03,091
I think you might like these.
327
00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:05,093
-These are substitute phones.
-[Nikki] Oh.
328
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,329
[Carr] So they're just marbles
in a little block.
329
00:13:07,396 --> 00:13:09,198
-The idea is... Grab one.
-[Nikki] Thank you.
330
00:13:09,264 --> 00:13:11,266
You can replicate the swiping motion.
331
00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:13,202
So if you're horribly addicted
to your phone,
332
00:13:13,268 --> 00:13:15,604
you could just be pretending
the whole time.
333
00:13:15,671 --> 00:13:17,873
But didn't Blackberry already do this?
334
00:13:17,940 --> 00:13:19,875
[laughter]
335
00:13:21,143 --> 00:13:22,611
I don't hate this.
336
00:13:22,678 --> 00:13:24,146
And I thought I would.
337
00:13:24,213 --> 00:13:25,981
It's like when you try to quit smoking
338
00:13:26,048 --> 00:13:29,051
and the cool people just walk around
with a cigarette that they never light,
339
00:13:29,117 --> 00:13:30,319
but it's just in their lip.
340
00:13:30,385 --> 00:13:32,020
-Yeah.
-I think it's the same thing.
341
00:13:32,087 --> 00:13:33,922
-I like it...
-No, it's not okay.
342
00:13:33,989 --> 00:13:36,358
People have sex dolls.
They don't bring them out in public.
343
00:13:37,593 --> 00:13:39,628
Okay. Phones back
because the producer has said,
344
00:13:39,695 --> 00:13:41,063
"Otherwise they'll play with them."
345
00:13:41,129 --> 00:13:42,364
Oh, yeah, you're right.
346
00:13:42,431 --> 00:13:44,533
It's like a fidget spinner for pricks.
347
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:45,868
[laughter]
348
00:13:45,934 --> 00:13:49,371
As opposed to the regular fidget spinners,
which are for cool people.
349
00:13:49,438 --> 00:13:50,372
[laughter]
350
00:13:52,507 --> 00:13:54,643
Okay, in the quest for likes
and followers,
351
00:13:54,710 --> 00:13:56,879
people go to extremes
to get the perfect selfie.
352
00:13:56,945 --> 00:13:57,846
Take a look at this.
353
00:13:58,113 --> 00:13:59,948
[crowd exclaims]
354
00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:02,050
[Katherine] That's great.
355
00:14:02,117 --> 00:14:06,154
Wow, "Camel bites
can cause your bones to dissolve"?
356
00:14:06,221 --> 00:14:07,856
Jesus Christ!
357
00:14:08,357 --> 00:14:11,693
Camel toe can cause your pride
to dissolve.
358
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:12,861
[laughter]
359
00:14:14,129 --> 00:14:16,331
Has taking a selfie
ever got you into trouble?
360
00:14:16,398 --> 00:14:20,035
No, actually. I...
The photo thing is one thing that I...
361
00:14:20,102 --> 00:14:23,472
I don't like looking at my own face
very much, so I rarely take...
362
00:14:23,538 --> 00:14:25,340
-I get that.
-Right? Don't you?
363
00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:27,376
About my face?
364
00:14:27,442 --> 00:14:29,745
-No, I think you're very handsome.
-Thank you.
365
00:14:29,811 --> 00:14:32,414
I'm going to slide into your DMs
a little bit later.
366
00:14:32,481 --> 00:14:33,682
Thank you.
367
00:14:33,749 --> 00:14:34,850
Wear a raincoat.
368
00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:37,052
[laughter]
369
00:14:37,819 --> 00:14:40,522
[applause]
370
00:14:41,423 --> 00:14:43,258
I saw an extraordinary thing
the other morning.
371
00:14:43,325 --> 00:14:44,993
I was in a hotel, having breakfast,
372
00:14:45,060 --> 00:14:46,495
and I saw these ladies come in,
373
00:14:46,561 --> 00:14:48,297
beautiful ladies.
374
00:14:48,363 --> 00:14:50,766
They came in, got on their bikinis,
375
00:14:50,832 --> 00:14:53,869
sat by the pool, took a selfie,
got up and left.
376
00:14:54,369 --> 00:14:56,238
That was their day by the pool.
377
00:14:56,305 --> 00:14:58,974
They just went, "Oh, I've got the photo.
I guess we're done here."
378
00:14:59,041 --> 00:14:59,975
[DL] Yeah.
379
00:15:00,042 --> 00:15:01,777
I know people that use that for an alibi.
380
00:15:01,843 --> 00:15:03,779
You know, "I was really here," but...
381
00:15:03,845 --> 00:15:04,746
[laughter]
382
00:15:06,882 --> 00:15:08,917
We are visiting different hotels, DL.
383
00:15:08,984 --> 00:15:10,085
[laughter]
384
00:15:10,452 --> 00:15:13,121
You haven't lived till you've visited
a Snooty Fox on Manchester.
385
00:15:13,188 --> 00:15:14,489
Let me tell you something.
386
00:15:14,556 --> 00:15:16,658
[audience whoops, applauds]
387
00:15:16,725 --> 00:15:18,894
Sorry, has anyone got a pen?
I need to write that down.
388
00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:20,495
Is that a by-the-hour place?
389
00:15:20,562 --> 00:15:21,763
Yeah, absolutely.
390
00:15:21,830 --> 00:15:23,332
The Snooty Fox.
391
00:15:23,398 --> 00:15:24,700
No, no.
392
00:15:24,766 --> 00:15:26,201
You don't go. Don't go.
393
00:15:26,268 --> 00:15:27,502
[laughter]
394
00:15:27,569 --> 00:15:29,905
I'm very street, DL. You don't know me.
395
00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:31,340
[laughter]
396
00:15:31,873 --> 00:15:36,278
Um, okay, let's get a fresh perspective
on how social media is ruining our lives
397
00:15:36,345 --> 00:15:39,481
with the help of our resident data expert,
Mona Chalabi!
398
00:15:39,548 --> 00:15:42,184
[cheering, applause]
399
00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:44,286
[Mona] Hi, guys.
400
00:15:44,353 --> 00:15:45,287
[Carr] Hey, Mona.
401
00:15:46,254 --> 00:15:49,191
Great to have you here. So what have you
got for us on social media?
402
00:15:49,257 --> 00:15:53,161
So, the amount of time we spend
on social media has grown and grown.
403
00:15:53,228 --> 00:15:55,330
I've made some illustrations to explain.
404
00:15:55,397 --> 00:15:59,568
Worldwide, people now spend
about 135 minutes per day
405
00:15:59,634 --> 00:16:01,336
using social media platforms.
406
00:16:01,403 --> 00:16:03,739
But what does that amount of time
really mean?
407
00:16:03,805 --> 00:16:06,475
Let's compare it
to some other everyday activities.
408
00:16:06,541 --> 00:16:10,445
On average, we have sex
for just one measly minute per day.
409
00:16:10,946 --> 00:16:11,880
[laughter]
410
00:16:11,947 --> 00:16:12,814
We...
411
00:16:13,949 --> 00:16:16,985
We spend about 60 minutes a day
grooming ourselves.
412
00:16:17,052 --> 00:16:20,756
We spend about 75 minutes each day
eating and drinking.
413
00:16:20,822 --> 00:16:22,591
But perhaps most tellingly of all,
414
00:16:22,657 --> 00:16:25,761
when you compare how many minutes
we spend on social media
415
00:16:25,827 --> 00:16:28,897
to the time spent
with friends and family face-to-face,
416
00:16:28,964 --> 00:16:31,466
the data paints
a pretty interesting picture.
417
00:16:31,733 --> 00:16:34,169
We spend just 39 minutes per day
418
00:16:34,236 --> 00:16:37,372
socializing and communicating
with the people that matter most.
419
00:16:37,672 --> 00:16:41,209
So it looks like we prefer
our online lives to our offline lives.
420
00:16:41,276 --> 00:16:43,779
So a minute a day having sex.
421
00:16:43,845 --> 00:16:44,780
[laughter]
422
00:16:44,846 --> 00:16:46,782
Who's having sex twice a day?
423
00:16:46,848 --> 00:16:48,483
[laughter]
424
00:16:51,820 --> 00:16:55,223
Crazy talk. You also described it
as "one measly minute a day."
425
00:16:55,290 --> 00:16:57,659
You know what?
It's about quality, not quantity.
426
00:16:57,726 --> 00:16:59,127
[laughter]
427
00:16:59,194 --> 00:17:00,495
So give me that again.
428
00:17:00,562 --> 00:17:02,230
How many minutes
on social media every day?
429
00:17:02,297 --> 00:17:03,932
135.
430
00:17:03,999 --> 00:17:04,866
Does that check out?
431
00:17:04,933 --> 00:17:06,201
I would double that for me.
432
00:17:06,268 --> 00:17:08,403
It's different though,
because it's kind of our job.
433
00:17:08,470 --> 00:17:09,871
-to be on social media.
-It is.
434
00:17:09,938 --> 00:17:11,173
We are working.
435
00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:13,975
And I don't know
what real people do on there.
436
00:17:14,042 --> 00:17:16,812
-Yeah.
-Besides send us pictures of their dicks.
437
00:17:16,878 --> 00:17:17,746
[laughter]
438
00:17:17,813 --> 00:17:18,947
Can I ask a question?
439
00:17:19,014 --> 00:17:24,820
How frequenty do you, as women,
get dick pics from guys online?
440
00:17:24,886 --> 00:17:27,089
Is that a real thing that happens a lot?
441
00:17:27,155 --> 00:17:29,157
It's not just dick pics.
442
00:17:29,224 --> 00:17:32,894
Because I do stand-up comedy
and people think I'm mean,
443
00:17:32,961 --> 00:17:35,330
they confuse that with being a dominatrix.
444
00:17:35,797 --> 00:17:40,402
There are men who send me
photos of themselves being humiliated
445
00:17:40,469 --> 00:17:41,870
and ask me to retweet it.
446
00:17:41,937 --> 00:17:44,506
A man sent me a photo of himself
447
00:17:44,573 --> 00:17:48,443
squatting onto the bedpost of his room.
448
00:17:49,945 --> 00:17:52,714
And he said, "Please retweet this
and humiliate me, mistress."
449
00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:54,716
I'm impressed that a guy had a bedpost.
450
00:17:54,783 --> 00:17:55,684
Yeah.
451
00:17:55,750 --> 00:17:57,385
[laughter]
452
00:18:00,589 --> 00:18:01,690
That is extraordinary.
453
00:18:01,756 --> 00:18:05,260
Because we're from a previous generation.
We're pre-dick-pics.
454
00:18:05,327 --> 00:18:08,763
I'm almost 24 years old,
so this is all new to me.
455
00:18:08,830 --> 00:18:09,865
[laughter]
456
00:18:10,565 --> 00:18:13,034
If you're watching this
in high definition 4K...
457
00:18:14,536 --> 00:18:16,905
I would like to apologize
for the obvious lie.
458
00:18:16,972 --> 00:18:18,907
[laughter]
459
00:18:20,041 --> 00:18:22,811
Do you spend more time on social media
than with your family, DL?
460
00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:25,213
Wait, people have sex for a minute?
461
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:26,448
[laughter]
462
00:18:26,515 --> 00:18:28,650
Do you want me to tell you
how I calculated that?
463
00:18:28,717 --> 00:18:30,118
-Yeah, tell us.
-So...
464
00:18:30,185 --> 00:18:32,587
A study asked heterosexual couples
465
00:18:32,654 --> 00:18:34,189
to keep a stopwatch
466
00:18:34,256 --> 00:18:36,825
and see how long it took
for the man to ejaculate
467
00:18:36,892 --> 00:18:39,294
when he was inside of a vagina.
468
00:18:39,694 --> 00:18:40,962
We know how sex works!
469
00:18:41,029 --> 00:18:42,597
[laughter]
470
00:18:43,131 --> 00:18:44,232
Hold on.
471
00:18:44,299 --> 00:18:46,568
-I'm not sure I understand this.
-Yeah.
472
00:18:47,235 --> 00:18:50,639
And the average amount of time
it took for those men to ejaculate
473
00:18:50,705 --> 00:18:52,641
was 5.4 minutes.
474
00:18:52,707 --> 00:18:53,708
Oh, okay.
475
00:18:53,775 --> 00:18:57,412
And if people have sex twice a week,
that averages out to about a minute a day.
476
00:18:57,479 --> 00:18:58,880
Wait, so...
477
00:19:00,582 --> 00:19:02,050
-"Go!"
-[Mona] Yeah.
478
00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:03,818
Wait.
479
00:19:05,587 --> 00:19:08,123
-[Mona] That's exactly it.
-No, baby, this is for science.
480
00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:09,291
[laughter]
481
00:19:10,525 --> 00:19:12,861
Mona, thank you very much indeed.
Fascinating stuff.
482
00:19:12,928 --> 00:19:15,130
[cheering, applause]
483
00:19:16,831 --> 00:19:19,634
Right, let's get to the heart of the show.
Let's get to the fixes.
484
00:19:19,701 --> 00:19:22,370
DL and Michael, you've got
the most followers on Instagram,
485
00:19:22,437 --> 00:19:23,805
so you get to go first.
486
00:19:23,872 --> 00:19:25,173
[applause]
487
00:19:25,941 --> 00:19:28,843
Well, ever since Al Gore
invented the internet,
488
00:19:28,910 --> 00:19:32,047
60% of people reported
that it's hurt their self-esteem
489
00:19:32,113 --> 00:19:34,716
and usually it's some troll
with an egg for a profile pic
490
00:19:34,783 --> 00:19:37,018
calling someone a slut for eating a bagel.
491
00:19:37,552 --> 00:19:40,355
That is why there's no more hiding
behind your avatar
492
00:19:40,422 --> 00:19:42,557
with my fix, the internet license.
493
00:19:42,624 --> 00:19:45,393
Now, the license
will be tied to your actual identity.
494
00:19:45,460 --> 00:19:49,064
You're going to be held accountable
for every Facebook rant,
495
00:19:49,130 --> 00:19:53,568
every selfie from a super high angle
that shows just a hint of a nipple, Nikki.
496
00:19:53,635 --> 00:19:55,203
[laughter]
497
00:19:55,937 --> 00:19:59,641
One in 20 men have been teased or trolled
or body-shamed online
498
00:19:59,708 --> 00:20:00,642
and men have it easy.
499
00:20:00,709 --> 00:20:04,179
For women, going online
is like sky diving into a landfill,
500
00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:07,148
except the landfill asks you
to post photos of your feet.
501
00:20:07,215 --> 00:20:09,117
[laughter]
502
00:20:09,184 --> 00:20:12,654
Basically, if we know who you are,
you'll be way less likely to troll
503
00:20:12,721 --> 00:20:13,989
and, if you do slip up,
504
00:20:14,055 --> 00:20:16,458
there's a special task force
that will track you down
505
00:20:16,524 --> 00:20:18,593
and throw your candy-ass in internet jail.
506
00:20:18,660 --> 00:20:19,995
Problem solved.
507
00:20:20,061 --> 00:20:24,199
Check out this behind-the-scenes look
at the task force in action. Roll it!
508
00:20:24,266 --> 00:20:27,836
[woman] Internet Cops is filmed
with the men and women of law enforcement.
509
00:20:27,902 --> 00:20:29,671
[police radio chattering]
510
00:20:30,305 --> 00:20:31,373
[cop] Alright.
511
00:20:36,211 --> 00:20:37,212
Easy!
512
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:38,246
Yeah, what?
513
00:20:38,313 --> 00:20:40,148
Sir, do you have your internet license?
514
00:20:40,649 --> 00:20:41,950
Yeah, I got one.
515
00:20:42,017 --> 00:20:44,252
-You've got one? Can I see it, sir?
-Right there.
516
00:20:44,319 --> 00:20:45,620
-It's right there?
-Right there.
517
00:20:45,687 --> 00:20:46,888
Your license is right...
518
00:20:47,889 --> 00:20:49,991
[man grunting]
519
00:20:52,594 --> 00:20:53,895
We've got a runner.
520
00:20:54,262 --> 00:20:58,400
Promise you'll connect to me
at assninja68@aol.com.
521
00:20:58,466 --> 00:20:59,934
-69 was taken.
-Alright.
522
00:21:00,001 --> 00:21:01,136
[laughter]
523
00:21:01,202 --> 00:21:02,137
Assninja!
524
00:21:03,004 --> 00:21:05,774
[man on radio] Car 69, nailed it.
We've got a tip on your probe.
525
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:07,676
Intersection of Yanny and Laurel.
526
00:21:08,009 --> 00:21:09,477
Got it. Yanny and Yanny.
527
00:21:09,544 --> 00:21:10,445
[laughter]
528
00:21:10,512 --> 00:21:14,649
God, I have been after this guy
for a long time. Buckle up, kiddos.
529
00:21:15,250 --> 00:21:18,053
Busted, you son of a bitch.
530
00:21:18,119 --> 00:21:21,323
No, you can't has cheezburger.
531
00:21:21,389 --> 00:21:22,791
All right, let's go.
532
00:21:22,857 --> 00:21:25,293
[laughter and applause]
533
00:21:28,430 --> 00:21:30,165
[Carr] It's great. I love it.
534
00:21:30,932 --> 00:21:33,535
-So this is taking away anonymity--
-Absolutely.
535
00:21:33,601 --> 00:21:35,970
And applying accountability
to the internet.
536
00:21:36,037 --> 00:21:36,871
Absolutely.
537
00:21:36,938 --> 00:21:38,039
Chris Rock has a great joke.
538
00:21:38,106 --> 00:21:41,409
He says there's an app that lets you know
which one of your friends is racist
539
00:21:41,476 --> 00:21:43,178
and it's called Facebook, so it's...
540
00:21:43,244 --> 00:21:44,346
[laughter]
541
00:21:44,412 --> 00:21:47,982
I think you strip away anonymity,
people say less things.
542
00:21:48,049 --> 00:21:49,084
Less hurtful things.
543
00:21:49,150 --> 00:21:51,419
Yeah, I think the internet would be
a very different place
544
00:21:51,486 --> 00:21:53,988
if people had to be themselves on there,
545
00:21:54,055 --> 00:21:55,990
not some made-up, crazy name.
546
00:21:56,057 --> 00:21:57,759
Would it change
the way you use the internet?
547
00:21:57,826 --> 00:22:00,995
Uh, well, I'm very public
about how I use the internet.
548
00:22:01,096 --> 00:22:04,899
I mean, I'm @michaelianblack on Twitter.
549
00:22:06,735 --> 00:22:08,670
-And I don't see...
-[laughter]
550
00:22:08,737 --> 00:22:10,705
I don't see it changing for me,
551
00:22:10,772 --> 00:22:11,706
because I am who I am,
552
00:22:11,773 --> 00:22:14,776
but this makes a lot of sense to me,
because there are a lot of trolls.
553
00:22:14,843 --> 00:22:15,677
And...
554
00:22:15,744 --> 00:22:17,946
What would you have to do
to get the license?
555
00:22:18,012 --> 00:22:20,014
Because, for me, all that's important
556
00:22:20,081 --> 00:22:24,285
is that you can differentiate the spelling
of the words "your" and "you're"...
557
00:22:24,352 --> 00:22:25,754
[laughter]
558
00:22:25,820 --> 00:22:28,156
[applause, whooping]
559
00:22:29,391 --> 00:22:32,093
...and "their", T-H-E-I-R,
560
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:35,463
and "they're," T-H-E-Y-apostrophe-R-E.
561
00:22:37,132 --> 00:22:40,635
If you can spell, as far as I'm concerned,
you can have an internet license.
562
00:22:40,702 --> 00:22:42,871
I'm not sure about the internet cop idea.
563
00:22:42,937 --> 00:22:45,640
I'm not sure that we need more police.
564
00:22:46,341 --> 00:22:49,244
You're right. It does seem weird,
a black dude advocating for more police.
565
00:22:49,310 --> 00:22:51,012
You're right.
I didn't think about that part.
566
00:22:51,079 --> 00:22:52,046
[laughter]
567
00:22:52,113 --> 00:22:54,983
Okay, Katherine,
what do you make of the internet license?
568
00:22:55,049 --> 00:22:56,651
I think it's a brilliant idea, DL.
569
00:22:56,718 --> 00:22:59,387
I've noticed America needs
more incarceration.
570
00:22:59,454 --> 00:23:01,222
And if...
571
00:23:01,289 --> 00:23:02,190
[laughter]
572
00:23:02,257 --> 00:23:06,294
If you cleaned up the internet and got
all those people to be accountable,
573
00:23:06,361 --> 00:23:09,330
then I could be on social media even more.
574
00:23:09,397 --> 00:23:10,432
[laughter]
575
00:23:10,498 --> 00:23:12,801
Let's hear it, everyone,
for the internet license.
576
00:23:12,867 --> 00:23:14,969
[whooping, applause]
577
00:23:16,738 --> 00:23:18,740
Are you literally checking your phone,
Nikki?
578
00:23:18,807 --> 00:23:21,609
-[DL laughs]
-Sorry, did you just check your phone?
579
00:23:21,676 --> 00:23:22,577
Yes.
580
00:23:23,445 --> 00:23:25,647
What are you checking currently
on your phone?
581
00:23:25,713 --> 00:23:27,482
I'm just letting someone know
where I'm...
582
00:23:27,549 --> 00:23:29,150
It was a text. I'm sorry.
583
00:23:29,217 --> 00:23:30,585
It was disrespectful.
584
00:23:31,085 --> 00:23:32,821
-You're a monster.
-I know!
585
00:23:33,421 --> 00:23:37,659
I'm breaking up with someone after this
and I have to figure out a time to meet...
586
00:23:38,126 --> 00:23:39,561
-[audience laughs]
-...to do it.
587
00:23:40,028 --> 00:23:40,995
[Carr] Well, don't meet--
588
00:23:41,062 --> 00:23:43,832
I can't stop sharing.
Don't air this, please.
589
00:23:43,898 --> 00:23:44,732
Are you...
590
00:23:44,799 --> 00:23:46,768
I'm just trying to excuse my behavior.
591
00:23:46,835 --> 00:23:48,837
I'm just being told
that I'm not your therapist
592
00:23:48,903 --> 00:23:50,305
and we have to get on, I'm so sorry.
593
00:23:50,371 --> 00:23:52,574
-[laughter]
-Right, Katherine and Nikki,
594
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:53,775
time to hear your fix.
595
00:23:53,842 --> 00:23:55,477
Give it up for Katherine Ryan.
596
00:23:55,543 --> 00:23:56,845
[laughter]
597
00:23:56,911 --> 00:24:00,348
Uh, we are all addicted to our phones
and everyone who comments
598
00:24:00,415 --> 00:24:03,985
on my Instagram selfies
unanimously wants it to stop.
599
00:24:04,052 --> 00:24:05,787
Social media is ruining our lives,
600
00:24:05,854 --> 00:24:07,689
but I'm going to fix it by
601
00:24:07,755 --> 00:24:10,191
slowing down the internet.
602
00:24:10,592 --> 00:24:13,094
Do you remember what it was like
to have an attention span?
603
00:24:13,161 --> 00:24:15,864
Of course there aren't any nachos left.
Now what was your question?
604
00:24:15,930 --> 00:24:16,831
Oh, yeah.
605
00:24:16,898 --> 00:24:18,266
[laughter]
606
00:24:18,333 --> 00:24:20,368
Our minds have been turned to garbage.
607
00:24:20,435 --> 00:24:24,339
Just how badly do you really want to see
a girl with a fake ass working out?
608
00:24:24,539 --> 00:24:27,809
How about if it took three hours
for the photo to load?
609
00:24:28,443 --> 00:24:31,346
You might go outside
and show your unfiltered penis
610
00:24:31,412 --> 00:24:33,548
to some ladies in your neighborhood
instead.
611
00:24:33,615 --> 00:24:34,983
[laughter]
612
00:24:35,750 --> 00:24:39,120
And, sure,
your uncle is a formidable racist,
613
00:24:39,187 --> 00:24:41,489
but we're going to slow
that prick's Facebook
614
00:24:41,556 --> 00:24:44,325
like his enlarged prostate
slowed his urine stream.
615
00:24:44,392 --> 00:24:45,660
[laughter]
616
00:24:45,727 --> 00:24:50,231
He'll have to think as long and hard
as the tumor angrily growing in his rectum
617
00:24:50,298 --> 00:24:52,834
before posting that feminism is cancer.
618
00:24:52,901 --> 00:24:53,935
[laughter]
619
00:24:54,002 --> 00:24:56,871
With internet that slow,
your unpleasant family members
620
00:24:56,938 --> 00:24:59,807
will have to save up their tedious rants
for Christmas.
621
00:24:59,874 --> 00:25:01,509
[laughter]
622
00:25:01,576 --> 00:25:06,114
Help us help you by slowing your internet
to an absolute grinding halt.
623
00:25:06,180 --> 00:25:08,082
Jimmy, welcome to the future.
624
00:25:08,850 --> 00:25:11,019
[dial-up internet connection sound]
625
00:25:11,085 --> 00:25:12,887
[laughter]
626
00:25:14,522 --> 00:25:16,357
[screeching continues]
627
00:25:21,329 --> 00:25:22,797
-[screeching stops]
-There she is.
628
00:25:22,864 --> 00:25:23,698
[laughter]
629
00:25:23,765 --> 00:25:27,302
My mother always told me,
"Make them wait and they'll want it more",
630
00:25:27,368 --> 00:25:30,838
but I am living proof
that if you make them wait long enough,
631
00:25:30,905 --> 00:25:32,607
they'll want it a whole lot less.
632
00:25:32,674 --> 00:25:34,475
[laughter]
633
00:25:34,542 --> 00:25:38,179
And please take a look at this beautiful,
famous young woman.
634
00:25:38,646 --> 00:25:39,981
She's never been outside.
635
00:25:41,149 --> 00:25:43,484
She's brought her phone into a studio,
636
00:25:43,551 --> 00:25:45,987
where she's literally being paid
not to be on it.
637
00:25:46,054 --> 00:25:48,022
[laughter]
638
00:25:51,726 --> 00:25:53,361
I'm so embarrassed.
639
00:25:53,428 --> 00:25:55,964
She's hopelessly addicted to social media.
640
00:25:56,531 --> 00:25:59,367
Slow it down.
641
00:25:59,801 --> 00:26:01,202
[laughter]
642
00:26:01,269 --> 00:26:02,870
[applause]
643
00:26:07,175 --> 00:26:09,277
So, essentially the idea
is we slow down the internet
644
00:26:09,344 --> 00:26:11,145
and that forces us
back into the real world.
645
00:26:11,212 --> 00:26:13,414
-Right.
-What do you like about this idea, Nikki?
646
00:26:13,481 --> 00:26:15,416
I think it's just a really good solution.
647
00:26:15,483 --> 00:26:17,552
It's just too fast and convenient now.
It's like...
648
00:26:17,619 --> 00:26:19,487
And getting free Wi-Fi on the plane?
649
00:26:19,554 --> 00:26:22,423
I used to enjoy that time
when you really couldn't be on your phone
650
00:26:22,490 --> 00:26:24,525
and now you can be on it anywhere.
651
00:26:24,592 --> 00:26:27,195
And it would be nice
if they eliminated that a little bit.
652
00:26:27,261 --> 00:26:30,365
But people on Reddit
are going to be so angry about this.
653
00:26:30,431 --> 00:26:31,399
Oh, they'll be angry,
654
00:26:31,466 --> 00:26:35,403
but heroin addicts are angry
when you take them off heroin as well.
655
00:26:35,470 --> 00:26:37,005
[Nikki] That's true.
656
00:26:37,438 --> 00:26:40,108
DL, Michael,
what do you make of this idea?
657
00:26:40,174 --> 00:26:43,578
Absolutely. Remember when you first
started watching porn on your laptop.
658
00:26:43,645 --> 00:26:45,313
And that buffering, that whole...
659
00:26:45,847 --> 00:26:48,983
It's hard to hold your dick and keep
hitting refresh. It was ridiculous.
660
00:26:49,050 --> 00:26:50,451
[Carr] That was a lovely thing.
661
00:26:50,518 --> 00:26:51,619
You used to have to plan it.
662
00:26:51,686 --> 00:26:54,622
You used to have to go, "You know what?
I think I might masturbate tomorrow."
663
00:26:54,689 --> 00:26:55,523
[Nikki] Yeah.
664
00:26:55,590 --> 00:26:56,958
"I'm going to download something."
665
00:26:57,158 --> 00:26:58,526
[laughter]
666
00:26:58,593 --> 00:27:01,062
What would you guys do
if you had more time on your hands?
667
00:27:01,129 --> 00:27:02,864
Another two hours of your life every day.
668
00:27:02,930 --> 00:27:04,098
Pray for death.
669
00:27:04,532 --> 00:27:05,833
[laughter]
670
00:27:08,536 --> 00:27:10,171
Keep it light, it's a comedy show.
671
00:27:10,238 --> 00:27:11,939
Oh, pray for death!
672
00:27:13,274 --> 00:27:14,242
Much better.
673
00:27:14,308 --> 00:27:16,210
[applause]
674
00:27:18,780 --> 00:27:19,614
Can I just say,
675
00:27:19,681 --> 00:27:22,483
I really do think that
if the internet was slower...
676
00:27:22,550 --> 00:27:25,420
My porn searches have become so depraved
677
00:27:25,486 --> 00:27:28,756
because I just get so much porn
that it can just get grosser and grosser.
678
00:27:28,823 --> 00:27:29,957
You just get used to it.
679
00:27:30,024 --> 00:27:31,926
And pretty soon they're showing you...
680
00:27:31,993 --> 00:27:33,461
In the thumbnails that are suggested,
681
00:27:33,528 --> 00:27:37,098
I'm starting to see blood in them
and I'm like, "No, no, I don't want that."
682
00:27:37,165 --> 00:27:40,501
They're like, "We'll see you in a week,"
and I'm like, "No, you won't."
683
00:27:40,568 --> 00:27:42,804
And they will,
because they know what I'm headed towards.
684
00:27:42,870 --> 00:27:45,673
But, if it took time,
I would still be into just like...
685
00:27:46,174 --> 00:27:47,875
If it was loading like this,
686
00:27:47,942 --> 00:27:50,111
I wouldn't have time
to get into the weird shit I'm into.
687
00:27:50,178 --> 00:27:52,547
Do you remember
when I asked about oversharing earlier?
688
00:27:52,613 --> 00:27:53,481
Yes.
689
00:27:53,548 --> 00:27:55,683
-It's a problem for you.
-I have a problem.
690
00:27:56,084 --> 00:27:59,353
I used to be into just
a man and a woman having sex
691
00:27:59,420 --> 00:28:01,723
and now my porn searches
literally start...
692
00:28:01,789 --> 00:28:03,291
I'll go to Pornhub or whatever
693
00:28:03,357 --> 00:28:06,494
and I'll type in,
"Girl running through warehouse scared."
694
00:28:06,561 --> 00:28:08,129
That's where they start for me.
695
00:28:08,196 --> 00:28:09,363
[crowd gasps]
696
00:28:09,430 --> 00:28:12,834
That's like safe.
We're just getting in the dungeon.
697
00:28:12,900 --> 00:28:14,469
[laughter]
698
00:28:14,535 --> 00:28:17,472
-[Nikki] Yeah.
-I am judging you.
699
00:28:17,705 --> 00:28:20,308
You should. I have a problem.
700
00:28:20,374 --> 00:28:22,076
I actually don't look at pornography.
701
00:28:22,143 --> 00:28:23,711
Not for any high moral reason.
702
00:28:23,778 --> 00:28:25,079
I just finished it.
703
00:28:27,448 --> 00:28:31,219
How many hits come up when you type in
"Girl running through warehouse scared"?
704
00:28:31,285 --> 00:28:32,253
A lot. I mean--
705
00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:34,555
As if we're not all going to find out
in about an hour.
706
00:28:34,622 --> 00:28:36,023
It's so many.
707
00:28:36,090 --> 00:28:37,325
[laughter]
708
00:28:37,391 --> 00:28:41,129
Everyone now is going, "Hang on,
Netflix is on, but this is important."
709
00:28:41,696 --> 00:28:45,333
I just realized I really like bondage porn
where the girls are all tied up
710
00:28:45,399 --> 00:28:47,201
and I was always like,
"What's wrong with you?"
711
00:28:47,268 --> 00:28:49,537
But let me sell it to you guys, okay?
712
00:28:49,604 --> 00:28:50,571
[laughter]
713
00:28:50,638 --> 00:28:51,906
Because I didn't know.
714
00:28:51,973 --> 00:28:53,207
Okay, I always judged myself.
715
00:28:53,274 --> 00:28:56,444
I was like, "Why do I like girls
all tied up and defenseless?"
716
00:28:56,511 --> 00:28:58,679
And it's because it's forced laziness.
717
00:28:58,746 --> 00:29:02,383
Because you're like, "I'd love
to jerk you off, but my hands are tied."
718
00:29:02,450 --> 00:29:04,218
You just get to lean into it.
719
00:29:04,285 --> 00:29:06,154
-[laughter]
-It's awesome.
720
00:29:06,654 --> 00:29:09,157
So you watch this stuff and you're very...
721
00:29:09,223 --> 00:29:10,758
So you would... Yeah...
722
00:29:10,825 --> 00:29:11,926
No, I'm...
723
00:29:13,194 --> 00:29:14,028
Yeah.
724
00:29:14,095 --> 00:29:16,764
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it
for slowing down the internet.
725
00:29:16,831 --> 00:29:19,167
[cheering, applause]
726
00:29:20,968 --> 00:29:24,038
Right, so Katherine's team are proposing
slowing down the internet
727
00:29:24,105 --> 00:29:26,507
and DL's team are suggesting
an internet license.
728
00:29:26,574 --> 00:29:28,242
You have the right to remain online.
729
00:29:28,309 --> 00:29:30,611
Anything you search can and will
be used against you
730
00:29:30,678 --> 00:29:32,079
in the court of public opinion.
731
00:29:32,146 --> 00:29:34,215
On The Fix, we're a democracy,
732
00:29:34,282 --> 00:29:37,385
so our studio audience will be deciding
which of these fixes is the Facebook
733
00:29:37,451 --> 00:29:39,086
and which is the Myspace.
734
00:29:39,153 --> 00:29:40,822
-[laughter]
-[Carr] Okay, audience.
735
00:29:40,888 --> 00:29:42,456
Vote now, please.
736
00:29:42,523 --> 00:29:46,427
And remember, this isn't a BuzzFeed quiz.
Your answer here matters.
737
00:29:46,894 --> 00:29:48,062
[laughter]
738
00:29:49,063 --> 00:29:51,999
Okay, the votes are in
and, with 55% of the votes,
739
00:29:52,066 --> 00:29:53,367
the winner is Katherine Ryan!
740
00:29:53,434 --> 00:29:55,036
[cheering, applause]
741
00:29:55,102 --> 00:29:57,672
So that's that. Social media is fixed.
742
00:29:58,806 --> 00:30:02,176
Thank you, Katherine Ryan, Nikki Glaser,
DL Hughley and Michael Ian Black...
743
00:30:02,710 --> 00:30:04,712
our brilliant data expert, Mona Chalabi,
744
00:30:04,779 --> 00:30:07,348
everyone here in the studio
and to all of you for watching.
745
00:30:07,415 --> 00:30:09,817
We'll be solving
more of the world's problems in
746
00:30:09,884 --> 00:30:13,988
five, four, three, two, one.
747
00:30:14,055 --> 00:30:17,458
[outro music playing, applause]