Yes, my dad died.
No, I don't want to talk about it.
I'm Sam Loudermilk, your...
You and my father last year had...
Oh, come on! Not here!
Sorry, but there's someone sleeping on the couch.
ANNETTE: If Clyde's father is your father,
that makes you Clyde's uncle?
Brother.Oh.
Felix asked me to join them for some upcoming gigs.
Why would Felix do that? You have no musical talent.
♪ Six pounds of state jewelry on my ankles and ribs ♪
I'm in a band, I'm going to school. It's time to move on.
Don't be a stranger.
I won't.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Oh, hey.I can't.
You can't what?
I can't... I can't do it anymore.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
LOUDERMILK: Annette?
Come on, let's go.Bye, guy.
Annette?
What are you thinking?
Hey, who was at the...
Is that Clyde?
Oh-ho-ho-ho!
Look at that little guy! Where's Mama?
She took off.Oh, he's a cutie.
Where?
I don't know.What do you mean?
I mean my dead father's baby mama
just dropped off my kid brother and left.
Yeah, I got that part. But to go where?
I don't know, Ben!
Dave and Buster's? Tijuana?
Bellevue?
Oh, my God, so she...
Yeah.
She just?Uh-huh.
Wow.
Is that real?
Yeah, does it look real?
[LAUGHS] Jesus, I just moved out.
You already got a new roommate?
Hardy-fucking-har-har. Here, give us a hand.
With what?With this.
That's Clyde.
Uh-uh! I'm not touching that.
Why the fuck would you think I know anything about babies?
I don't know. Maternal instinct and all that?
Uh, yeah. No, I didn't get any of that.
[SCOFFS] You guys are on your own.
Didn't they make you take an egg home in high school?
I don't know, I was high on heroin. Bye!
[FRANZ FERDINAND'S STAND ON THE HORIZONPLAYING]
♪ ♪
How the fuck do I know what I'm gonna do?
Calm down, please. And stop with the swearing.
My apologies, Clydie.
Clydie? No, no, no nicknames,
'cause then you're gonna want to keep him.
Whatever. For real, what's the plan?
Well, obviously we're gonna get him back to his mother, where he belongs.
No. No way, Jose. She'll just do something else weird with him.
Oh, like leave him on the doorstep
of someone she hardly fucking knows?Or worse.
And again, I would ask you to please stop swearing.
Their little brains are like sponges.
You don't want his first words to be
"fucktits" or
"nobody makes albums anymore, it's all singles."
Hey, hey, hey, you there.
Did your mommy abandon you?
Yes, she did.
He's pretty big for a crack baby, huh?
He's not a crack baby.
His mom's not an addict?No.
Well, then why f...
F-U-C-K did she drop him off here?
I don't know.
Holy fucking shit, we have a baby.
Okay, give him here. That's enough with the swearing.
I got him, I got him.
Don't drop him.Don't worry about it.
It's gonna be fine, okay?
We'll just... We'll pick up some supplies
and then we'll figure out a plan.
What do you mean, supplies?
You know, stuff that babies need.
A stroller, bottles with the nipples on 'em,
some Ho Hos would be nice.
Oh, I have wipes. Oh, no, what am I saying?
Those are big boy wipes. Cucumber peppermint.
That might be a little spicy for a rookie, huh?
Or we just call the cops.
Let them bring some professionals in.
No, we're not calling the cops.
What are they gonna do?
Bring him right back to his unfit mother.
Ideally.
Yeah, and then pick him up from there
and throw him into the system, is that what you want?
You want your baby brother in the belly of the beast, bro?
Well, I don't want him here.
Now, how do you know all this stuff about babies?
Well, um... [CHUCKLES]
When I was in high school
I was vice president of the babysitter's club.
What?Mm-hmm, two terms.
[COOS]Yeah.
[LAID-BACK INDIE MUSIC]
Hey, sorry I'm late.
Loudermilk had a baby.
So? That's no excuse.
Wait, what?
Somebody gave Loudermilk a baby.
A baby what?A baby baby.
Who did?
I don't know, his father's waitress or something?
I didn't engage.
Hey, that was a pretty good gig last Friday, huh?
Uh, yeah. Sure.
Um, look. Um...
I have a confession to make.
Even though the show was really good,
it kinda got me thinking.
That it could be better?
Exactly.Me, too.
Okay, great. So we're on the same page?
Definitely. It's obvious
I'm the least experienced member of the band.
Right. Yeah, good.
So I have to try extra hard.
Completely commit myself.
I'm even gonna look into taking tambourine lessons.
Um, I don't think anyone teaches tambourine.
It's kinda like you either know it or you don't.
Oh, thanks. Oh, and I have another idea.
If we wanna start making some real cash,
we need some merch,
and I have some really good ideas for a t-shirt.
[LAID-BACK MUSIC]
You know, for a 76
you'd figure they'd have a better baby station.
We don't need that much.
Soon as we can, the kid's going back to his mother.
You still don't get it, do you?
Okay, let me paint a picture that you'll understand.
Imagine that you're the governor.
That's implausible, but no, go ahead.
And Clyde here is on death row
and you're the only one who can save his life.
And in order to save his life, all you have to do
is keep him from going back to his mother, you get it?
Yeah, I don't understand that at all.
How does this kid get so filthy?
Nah, that's my bad.
He won't take the nipple unless I rub some chocolate on it.
What nipple?
Nip... Nipple.
That word doesn't make any... Nipple.
What, were you born without 'em? We got two of 'em.
What the fuck am I looking at?
It's my Mr. Milky man milk vest.
Where did you get that?I told you,
I was the vice president of my high school babysitter's club.
And you've had that ever since?
Yes, I'm a bit of a pack rat. We know this.
Please don't make it weird.
Uh-oh.
What's the matter, did he shit his pants again?
No, we just got clocked by Johnny Law over here.
Oh. Well, we're not doing anything wrong.
Really? Couple of sketchy former addicts
pushing a pawn shop stroller
with a filthy-faced baby who doesn't belong to us? Come on.
All right, let's get out of here. Do we have everything?
I wouldn't be mad at a bag of jerky, actually.
Come on.Okay, just relax.
Oh, uh, gentlemen.
Could I have a minute?
Hey, officer.
How are you, what can we do for ya?
How old?Huh?
The baby. How... How old?
Zero. I mean, you know. I mean, he's not quite... He's not one.
Five months, give or take.
Give or take? You don't know the age of your own child?
He's adopted. From, uh, Vietnam.
And, uh, they don't keep great records there, so.
Oh. He doesn't look Asian.
He's not, he's not.
He's white and that's why they got rid of him.
It's very sad. Isn't that right, Clydie?
It's Clyde.Yep.
Well, my partner and I have a two-year-old, so.
BEN: Your partner?
Best decision my husband and I ever made.
Oh. Oh, okay, I understand.
I'm sorry, I thought you meant
your bang-bang-shoot-up- the-bad-guys partner,
Yes, of course.
[CHUCKLES]
It's the toughest job you'll ever love.
Being a gay cop?
Kids, kids.
Tough. But you know, rewarding.
Right.Sure, yeah.
Hey, Annette, it's Sam Loudermilk again.
Uh, I'm sure you're busy, uh, but I have your baby.
Still.
So if you get a second, fucking call me back!
Language!
Whoa.
Ta-da. I figured we'd sleep him right here in the living room.
And you know what else would be good?
We could change him right here on the dining room table.
Oh, sure. And then we would never eat there again.
But we can eat in the bathroom, right?
Come on, we gotta get this kid home.
Okay, look. Sam, I know this is some crazy stuff
that's happened here today,
but just don't do anything rash, all right?
Look, there's a lot of factors to consider
before you just put a kid somewhere.
It's not something to take lightly.
Yeah, I don't.
But I can't raise him. I didn't sign up for this.
Yeah, well, neither did he.
I'm just saying, would you sleep on it, please?
Okay. I'll sleep on it.
[CLYDE CRYING]
Clyde, what's going on, man?
Come on. Stop crying, you're fine.
Aren't you?
[SCREAMS AND CRIES]
Well, he's not wet.
I gave him a bottle before bedtime, so he's not hungry.
What does that mean? He's not dying, is he?
He's probably just scared, I bet.
[SCREAMS AND CRIES]Well, that makes two of us.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Fuck is this?
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Oh.
Hey, Levon. What's up?
Your baby's too loud!
Come on, he's not that loud.
I was in Tiananmen Square, I know loud!
Okay. [STUTTERS]
We'll do what we can to try to quiet him down, all right?
[GROANS]
[SCREAMING AND CRYING]
So what do I do?
I don't know. I would put him in a stroller.
Take him for a nice little walk.
I'm not going outside, it's 3:00 in the morning.
Who said anything about going outside?
[SCREAMS AND CRIES]
[RELAXING MUSIC]
♪ ♪
So I'm dying to go to the Tame Impala concert at the Showbox,
but I'm worried I'm gonna get a contact high
from all that marijuana smoke.
People don't smoke pot at concerts any more, dude.
But... But it's legal now.
Mm, smoking indoors would be seen as very uncool today.
TONY: The fuck's the matter with the world?
When pot was outlawed everyone smoked it.
But now that it's legal, they don't?
People today suck.
Or maybe it's because you guys didn't have edibles back then.
Technically, every drug is edible.
And you can shove 'em up your butt.
Oh, it is a much quicker high.
So you guys are saying it's okay, then?
What do you think, Loudermilk?
Loudermilk!
Don't drink. What?
You okay, Loudermilk?
Sorry.
Jesus man, you fall off the wagon again?
Uh, no. Nothing like that.
He has a baby.
Whoa.
I didn't even know you were dating anyone.
Well, it's not mine.
It's my responsibility for the moment,
but it's my dad's actually.
Or was my dad's.
Wow. All my dad left me was a Lincoln Town Car
and a DVD set of Dean Martin Roasts.
Shit holds up, though. That Foster Brooks kills me.
So this is Loudermilk's little brother?
Half-brother.Oh.
Hey, Loudermilk, you should try yerba mate.
It's like Red Bull but natural.
And it's a mood enhancer, not that you need it.
Hey, uh, I'm not a child care expertise,
but uh, I don't see any baby.
Where is he?
With Ben.
Ben? Really?
Yeah, Ben's actually a big papa bear with Clyde.
Don't papa bears eat they young?
Yeah, if they're hungry.
But Ben's flush with Ho Hos right now, he's good.
Are you gonna adopt him?
I can get the paperwork started.
Friends and family discount, bruh!
Fuck no. This is temporary.
What are you talking about?
Raising a kid is anything but temporary.
I'm not raising him,
I'm holding onto him until his mother comes to her senses and takes him back.
Yeah, I don't know about that.
My grandmother, she took in my uncle's kids till he got back on his feet.
That was 52 years ago, man.
Stevie's right. This might be more than just a quick fix kind of situation.
No, it's a quick fix type of situation.
I'm gonna bring him back to his mom
once she levels off with her meds.
[ALL MUMBLE]
What? Come on, the best place for a kid is with his mother, right?
Loudermilk, did you ever consider
that maybe this could be a sign from the universe?
I mean, think about it.
You lose your father but you gain a brother?
It might be more than just a simple coincidence.
Are you saying his brother may be his father?
That's not at all what I'm saying.
What I'm saying is that someone or something
is trying to tell Loudermilk that he still needs a family.
I say he needs some yerba mate.
It's a serious mood enhancer.
Fuck this. I don't need a mood enhancer, okay?
Who has something to talk about?
That's not about me or the baby.
I got a question for Stevie.
How fucking old is your grandmother?
Big Mama, she old.
Old.
MIKE: Sam.
I heard about your bundle of joy.
[EXHALES DEEPLY] Wouldn't go that far.
A child is a big responsibility, Sam.
Yeah, Ben's helping out a lot.
He's got him at the aquarium right now I think or something.
Ben.
Yes, that doesn't comfort me.
He's actually remarkably good with kids.
I'm sure he is, but have you considered possibly...
[INHALES AND EXHALES DEEPLY]
Well, have you thought about maybe
finding a better home for the child?
You mean moving?
Not you, him.
There are many fine families,
some of them even in our own parish
who would treasure the chance to raise a child like Clyde.
Wait a minute, are you talking about adoption?
No, I can't do that. It's not my kid.
I'm his... I'm his brother.
Exactly. You'd like your brother
to be raised in a good family, wouldn't you?
That's ridiculous.
I'm not gonna hand my baby brother
over to somebody I don't even know.
Come on.
Think about it, Sam.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Annette, it's Sam Loudermilk.
Open up.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Annette isn't here.
All right. Come on.
Open the door. We have to talk.
I told you, Annette isn't here.
All right, whatever you say, Annette.
Listen, if you're serious about me keeping the kid,
you gotta at least give me his papers.
This isn't Annette.
All right, I'll... I'll play along.
Which Muppet character are you?
My name's Jeannette.
Jeannette. Your name is J...
Stop playing games.
This is serious.
If you don't want your son put up for adoption
open the door right now, because I'll do it.
I will give him away.
[LOCK CLICKS]
Who are you?
I told you! Jeannette.
I'm Annette's sister.
Did Annette really do that?
Yeah, she did.Oh, Jesus.
I'm just so surprised.
I mean, she was always the level-headed one.
Do you come from circus folk?Hmm?
Where is she? Where is your sister?
Well, all I know is she said
she was going out of town with the kids for a few days.
I'm just apartment sitting.
[EXHALES DEEPLY] All right.
You're telling me the truth, she's not back there hiding somewhere?
No, I swear.
[STUTTERS] All right.
[STUTTERS] When you see her,
can you tell her to call Sam Loudermilk?
I will.
All right. Thanks, Jeannette. I'm sorry about the...
You know, you have a very distinctive voice.
Oh.
Thanks for noticing, asshole.
We have a delightful flight of purees for you this evening.
Assuming you have no allergies, you're in for quite a treat.
I call this baby tapas.
Here we go, here.
Avocado, guava, and apple.
Oh.
Ugh, that is god-awful. [INHALES AND EXHALES DEEPLY]
So much guava.
What's this... This is banana.
Hey, there he is.
Any luck with Annette?
I couldn't find her.
I did meet a woman with a bright future in cartoon voice-overs.
Well, did you try her restaurant?
[EXHALES DEEPLY] Yes.
They said she called in sick all last week.
Now what?I don't know.
All I know is that I've never been more tired in my entire life,
and I did 84 straight hours of meth with the guy from Korn.
Well, that is a super duper bummer,
'cause your shift starts in right now,
I'm gonna go take a nap.
Oh, come on. You gotta be kidding me.
Nope.
Huh? [STUTTERS]
I don't know what to do with him.
Just feed him, clean him up, and put him to bed.
What if he starts crying again?
I don't know. Roll him around in the stroller,
tell him a story, he'll be okay.
[CLYDE SCREAMING AND CRYING]
It's not that bad, I promise you, I'm telling you.
Yes, when you get older, then it's bad.
Then it's terrible.
But you know, you're young, man.
You got a while.
[SHRIEKS]
Listen... You wanna hear a story?
Yeah? You wanna hear a story?
It's... Okay, okay, okay. No, no, no, listen.
Did I ever tell you the time that I got thrown off the Better Than Ezra bus?
[CRYING]
No, no, no, no, you're gonna want to listen to this. This is good, okay?
So I'm in a place called Hyannis, all right?
Out on Cape Cod somewhere.
And this is right after Ezra released their second album, okay?
So they're kind of peaking. Uh...
They play an amazing show, right?
Lights out.
At some venue that had really good acoustics.
And afterwards I went on the tour bus to,
you know, "interview" them.
Really, I was just there to party with 'em.
You like this, yeah? Okay, good.
So I just assume that, you know,
these guys are gonna want to get fucked up like I do
'cause even though it's a Tuesday
rock bands, they tend to wanna get fucked up
when they're on the road.
You'll learn this.
[COOS]
You know what? Do you mind if I record this?
Some of this? Hold on.
[COOS]
Yeah, this might be good for my book.
Write this down, okay.[FUSSES]
I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.
All right. [EXHALES DEEPLY]
Yeah, here you go. Now hit record.
Check one-two, one-two. Check one-two.
Okay, so we're on the bus and these Ezra guys were acting kind of weird.
Or at least at the time I thought it was weird.
Now I realize
they were just being professionals and pacing themselves
so they weren't wiped out in Providence
or wherever the hell they were playing the following night.
[COOS]
But at the time,
you know, this was new to me.
This moderation, it kind of pissed me off.
So...
The more that they didn't want to drink,
the more that I drank.
Figuring that I could just break 'em, you know?
That they'd see how much fun I was having
and then they'd have to join in.
But they didn't because, like I said,
it was Tuesday, and they were pros.
I really like that you like this.
[COOS]
Finally, the band had enough of me, right?
And they tossed my ass off the bus, but literally.
I mean, you know, flat in a parking lot.
Not that that stopped me.
I got right up and walked down the street
and found a 24-hour breakfast place somewhere
and ended up doing lines with the waitress
till the blow ran out and the waitress lost interest.
And uh,
back at the motel, I lay in bed as the gray dawn came.
And I felt the familiar feeling
of my exhausted heart skipping beats
as my high from the previous night
slingshotted into a nearly identical low.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
And I thought that this was how life was supposed to be.
And I was that way for a long, long time.
[LAID-BACK MUSIC]
Really, you don't stick anything up your ass?
Nothing up my butt.[LAUGHTER]
Guys, guys, guys. [SHUSHES]
Keep it... Keep it down, okay?
This is the first time he's been asleep in too damn long,
so everyone has to be quiet.
All right, who has something to share?
Yo, forget that.
What are y'all gonna do about Clyde?
CISCO: Who's Clyde?The baby.
I think you should keep him.
I can't keep him. I've got too much going on.
You mean your crippling depression and lack of self-worth?
Yes. Both of those things. And my book.
You ever gonna finish that fucking thing?
Hey, for your information, I'm on a roll, okay?
I wrote 200 pages in the last two months.
Most of it's shit, but you know,
it's getting less shitty every day, so.
Well, less S-H-I-T-T-Y should be the aim.
And would everyone mind not using such strong language?
The baby has a sponge brain. Remember.
Congratulations on your book, Loudermilk.
Thanks, Cloud.[LOUDLY] The fuck is sponge brain?
[SHUSHES][CLYDE FUSSES]
Would you?[MOUTHS WORDS]
[FUSSING]
I still think you should raise your brother.
Are you nuts?
Loudermilk doesn't know S-H-I-T about raising a child.
No, I took you in for two years.
CLOUD: Look around, Loudermilk.
What is this group but a bunch of children, huh?
We come to you for guidance, advice,
and when we need to be set straight, you do it.
Sounds an awful lot like being a parent to me.
If you do decide to keep him, we could all help raise him.
You know, that old saying.
Uh, it takes a village of idiots,
you know how that thing goes.
Well, thanks, Ed. That's a terrible fucking idea.
Watch your language. Sponge brain.
Sorry I'm late, Valerie Bertinelli was having a Facebook Live chat.
[ALL SHUSHING]
[CLYDE CRIES][OVERLAPPING GROANING]
What the hell?Dip shit.
Look what you did.Come on!
FELIX: Hey, uh, before I forget...
Do you mind coming in late tomorrow and closing up?
Tomorrow? What about band practice?
Yeah, we're calling it off.
Brad's, um, got shingles or some shit.
Oh. That's terrible.
Yeah.
He'll be up and running in no time,
it's a pretty mild case.
[GROANS]
Sure, yeah, I mean I can probably make tomorrow work.
Great. Thanks, Claire.
Yeah, no problem.
[LAID-BACK MUSIC]
[LAUGHTER]
[COOS]
Wow. You really are good with him.
Well...Hell, you're great with him.
[CHUCKLES] Well, I love kids.
You know, I used to be one.
Plus, I had a bunch of experience
back when I was, you know.
Babysitters' club?
Well, yeah.
But uh... When I was a foster kid.
Oh, yeah. Right.
I forget about that, 'cause you don't talk much about it.
Well, I mean, what is there to say?
You know, I got bounced around from home to home
like the rest of 'em, till I found my real family...
Well, not my real fam... My foster family, the Palmers.
And they were great. So, you know.
Well... Well, that's good.
Yeah.
Yeah, they took in a bunch of kids
and most of 'em moved on.
They got adopted and I stuck around.
Pretty soon I was always the oldest
so I ended up taking care of the little guys, like you.
[COOS]
Hey, I'm sorry about that.
For what?
You know, that you never got adopted.
Oh, yeah. No, to tell you the truth, Sam,
I thought about that.
It's, uh...
It's better, it's better this way.
You know, like I said, the Palmers were great and, uh, I mean,
things turned out just fine with me.
Didn't they?
[PENSIVE PIANO MUSIC]
So, you're having second thoughts.
Yeah, third, fourth.
I don't see how this ends well, Mike.
Look, it's obvious you care a great deal
about Clyde and his well-being.
That's gotta count for something.
Start there, and you may find
that adoption doesn't sound so horrible.
I just don't know how I could give him to a total stranger,
especially after what it says in your book
about being my brother's keeper and all that.
I appreciate the sentiment, but those words
were spoken by Cain after he murdered Abel.
His brother.
Really?
Oh, that got dark.
[INDISTINCT JOVIAL CHATTER]
Playing guitar, jumps off the stage still playing guitar.
[LAUGHTER]
Holy... What the fuck?Holy sh...
Hello, boys.
What a nice surprise. How are your shingles, Brad?
Better.
[STUTTERS] Claire.
What are you, uh, doing sitting in the dark?
Did you really think I wouldn't find out?
About what?
You guys played a gig without me.
What are you talking about? You're in the Ben Rogers Band.
This is the Felix Furbush Experience.
It's the exact same band, except without me!
Yeah, okay. I can see how you could...
[GROANS] Look.
I know I suck, okay? I just...
I love playing.
You don't understand how good it is
to be around people who aren't total fuckups for a change.
Claire, I...
I need this, okay?
I really need it.
Boys?
Fine. Let's, um, keep the train rolling.
[LAUGHS] Great!
Okay, I'll see you at practice.
Oh, and I have a shit ton more ideas for shirts.
So what are you gonna do?
I don't know.
Get somebody else to fire her, I guess.
[SCREAMING AND CRYING]
Come on, kid.
I know you gotta be tired. I'm tired
and I don't have people carrying me around all day.
[SCREAMS AND CRIES]
Let's take another look at the diaper.
[SCREAMS AND CRIES]
Smells fine.
Nothing to see here. Perfectly dry.
There you go.
Come here. [GRUNTS]
Yeah, I get you.
Sometimes it's just better to go au naturel, huh?
It's like, I remember a summer at Bonnaroo.
God, it was hot.
By day three I thought I wasn't gonna make it
until somebody told me about a swimming hole.
And then when I got there there was, like, 150 people there
and I was the only one that had a stitch of clothes on.
Yeah.
Couldn't have been any happier.
[DOOR OPENS]
[COOS]
[CHUCKLES]
And you wanted to put him into the belly of the beast.
Yeah, I think I figured out what's bothering him.
He doesn't like wearing diapers.
Oh.[WET FLATULENCE]
You motherf...
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪ ♪
♪ Alone in someone's bedroom
♪ She firmly took my hand
♪ The isolation ended
♪ I began to understand
♪ In the ping-pong match of constant desire
♪ I was never gonna get ahead
♪ 'Cause I was looking in the mirror
♪ ♪
♪ Now we've got that sympathy
♪ What I'm to you, you are to me
♪ Let's go ♪