MIKE: Mrs. Wilkes is having trouble with her daughter.
You have a real knack with people who've lost their way.
You asked me to help your daughter.
There's a thing called accountability,
and you need to open up an account.
[MELLOW MUSIC]
♪ ♪
I know I'm gonna regret this.
Oh, quit being a baby.
Come on, man. I need your honest opinion.
It's time for me to take Sounds and Grounds Coffee to the next level.
Oh, you mean make it drinkable?
[CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY]
Come on, this is Cold Brew, man.
This is the next generation of coffee.
Are you high? It's coffee.
It doesn't need a new gimmick. It does two things.
It keeps you awake, and it makes you shit.
That's it.
Man, it's sad how simple-minded you are.
Ben, please try this.
Okay.
Mm.
Right?
Tastes like coffee. Really cold coffee.
Okay, Loudermilk.
All right, all right, fine.
Does it have to be in a shot glass?
It's like eating ice cream out of a pita pocket.
[LAUGHS]
Pita pocket. Come on, now.
Well?Hm.
Smoky, balanced acidity with a subtle yet complex hint of bitterness and sweetness.
That... That's perfect.
Smoky, balanced...
I gotta say, it doesn't suck.
Mm-hmm. It's definitely doing its job.
Waking you up?Nope. The other thing.
[FRANZ FERDINAND'S STAND ON THE HORIZONPLAYS]
♪ ♪
All right, then. Next week will be
the last class before midterms,
so have your questions ready.
All right, off you go, now.
Was I snoring?
No.
Shit. What did I miss?
So, so much.
Fuck. Really?
Yeah.Oh, God.
Don't worry. You can copy my notes.
I think I got most of it.
[LAUGHS] That's great.
I particularly, um, love the shading on the balls.
Yeah?[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Kiss-ass Andy kiss-assed the entire time.
Oh, and we got to hear about the time that Obama
came to his seventh grade class
and told him that he had promise.
What a dork.
I'm sure Obama says that to everybody.
Yeah, poli-sci majors are such narcissists, almost as bad as pre-med.
What's your major?
Uh, Pre-med.
[LAUGHS]
Uh, I'm going this way, so...
Oh, I'm Claire.
Oh, yes, I know.
I've been sitting next to you all semester.
I'm Ryan.Yes, I know.
Do you live in the dorms?
God, no. I was banned freshman year.
Really?Mm-hmm.
It's a long story.
I would love to hear about it some time.
What are you doing this weekend?
Um, nothing, really.
Uh, work. Cramming for midterms.
Well, if you wanna hang out or something...
No fucking way.
Uh, yeah, well...
At least you didn't pepper-spray me.
Oh, no, that wasn't about you...
Hello, Claire.
Mom, what are you doing here?
I signed up for a creative writing class
through the university extension program.
I told you about this weeks ago.
Yeah, but I thought those classes happened
under the dark cover of night.
Nope.
So...
Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?
Nope.
I'm Ryan Caldwell. Nice to meet you, Claire's mom.
Please, call me Judith.Okay.
Um, I'm gonna jet. Nice to see you, Claire.
See you soon. Nice to meet you, Judith.
Mom, I know what you're thinking.
Just stop. It's nothing.
He's very polite,
and that's all I'll say for now.
Mm. And handsome.
Mom.
Okay, I'm done. I'm just happy you're dating.
Thank you.
I'm glad we ran into each other. Do you have a minute?
I'm actually... I'm running late for work.
My professor assigned the class
to write a short story about something personal to us.
I'm wondering if I went too deep.
Would you mind reading mine?
I could really use your opinion.
Uh, I don't know. I'm not a writer, Mom,
and I'm really busy with work and school.
Please, Claire.
[SIGHS]
Okay, fine. But give me a few days.
Thanks. Let me find it.
Can I grab this later? I'm gonna miss my bus.
Oh, I'm sorry. We've been workshopping stories in class.
There are so many in here. Found it.
All right, anybody else have a problem?
I feel like I'm on a roll.
I got a problem, and it's a tough one.
Go ahead, Mugsy.
I had some of the kids over last night,
and little Gerald needed help with his homework,
and I couldn't even do it.
That's not the kind of problem that I was talking about.
I feel like an idiot. I can't even do third grade math.
TONY: Don't feel bad. There was a whole game show
about being dumber than a third grader.
Wasn't that Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?
Never mind. You're a fucking idiot.
[GRUNTS]
So I don't know what to do.
I'm supposed to go to career day
for Gerald's class and talk about my job?
Does anybody have a problem, problem?
Um, what's the rule again about dating?
How long into your sobriety are you supposed to wait?
Well, nine months, at least.
NEW GUY: You know, personally, I recommend two to three years
of celibacy to really be ready, but I waited five.
I bet ya that wasn't on purpose.
[LAUGHS] Fuck you.
Who's the unlucky guy, Claire?
Someone from school.
He's a really good guy,
and he's totally got his shit together.
Shit together as in he doesn't sleep
in a cardboard box under a freeway overpass?
No.
As in he's pre-med.
Oh, boy.
You know all pre-meds are narcissists, right?
So?
I'd date a narcissist.
Or an arsonist. [LAUGHS]
Or anyone, really. God, I'm so...
Fucking lonely, you know? But...
Okay, well, he's not a narcissist,
and I think he really likes me.
He wants to ask me out.
But I'm kind of nervous. I don't know how to do this.
Do what?
Well, how do I tell him about my past
without scaring him off?
Oh, you mean all that lesbo action?
Hell, I'd lead with that.
No, asshole.
The...meth and stripping stuff.
I'm with Ed. Don't be afraid to be completely revealing.
It's sexy, but I'd tell him about the stripping,
you know, before the meth.
I disagree. Meth before stripping.
That's the natural order of things.
You know, I did tons of meth, and I never stripped.
But I once did give a guy a hand-job
in an alley with my shirt off.
His idea.
There's a lot of freaks out there.
You know, I never thought I'd say this,
but Tony's half-right.
I think just be honest with the guy, Claire,
and if he's got his shit together,
then he can handle your history.
"Does not meet our current publishing needs."
You don't know what fucking publishing needs.
It's why the industry's dying.
Hey, Loudermilk.
Can you do me a favor?
If it's to pose nude for one of your sketch classes, ask Ben.
Eww.
You having a bad day?
A typical day. I got another rejection.
That sucks.
Maybe you should rewrite it and resubmit it.
How can I rewrite it if I have somebody squatting in my office all the time?
Besides, it doesn't need to be rewritten.
It needs to be read by someone who's not an idiot.
I see.
Well, could you please help me out?
My mom's taking a writing class,
and she gave me short story of hers to read.
Wait, really?
Your mother doesn't strike me as the artistic type.
I would think more an attorney or a truant officer.
Anyway, I'm swamped with school and work. I don't have time.
Do you think you could read it for me,
maybe just give, like, a couple notes?
Well, it depends. How nice do I have to be?
Not at all.Oh, that I can do.
[EXHALES] Here.
Mm-hmm.
What are you doing?What's it look like I'm doing?
I'm taking stock of all the mugs that Claire stole.
You're losing it, dude.
She took my "World's Greatest Dad" mug.
That was a gift...
From my dad to himself.
Oh, hey, don't forget. I need you to pick me up at 2:00 today.
What? Where?My dentist. Remember?
I'm having my wisdom teeth yanked.
Aren't you a little old for that?
Well, it's complicated.
While I have Ben Kingsley's hairline,
I have the teeth of a six-year-old.
Anyway, they said I need someone to bring me home.
You know, like an escort.
Escort. Okay, well, I'm $150 an hour,
and no kissing on the lips.On the lips.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, I lobbed that one up to you, didn't I?
Kind of low-hanging fruit.
[APPLAUSE]
Fascinating.
Now, children, do you have any questions for Sadie's dad?
How long did you have to go to school to become a scientist?
Well, that's an excellent question.
Thank you. Let me see.
Four years at MIT, then another four at Cal Tech,
plus my internship and residency,
so all in all, it was about ten extra years
of school for me to earn my doctorate.
Whoa. That's a lot of school.
Thank you, Dr. Fairchild.
We are so lucky to have a recipient
of the Kyoto Prize in advanced technology with us here today.
Thank you.
Okay, so next up, we have Gerald's dad.
Mr. Bennigan?
Uh, shouldn't we, like,
stop for a snack or something?
It just feels like the kids could really just, you know,
get a break, you know, especially after hearing that.
And I can come back next week, and...
No, no. That's not necessary.
Please, go ahead.
Okay.
Uh, hey, all right, ha.
Um, hi. Ha.
As you can see, I am not a biogenetic-y
Bob Nye the Science Guy like Mr. Fairchild.
Doctor.
I'm sorry, Mr. Fairchild the doctor.
Did you also have to go to school for ten years?
Yes. In fact, I went to school for exactly ten years.
Tell them what you do, Dad.
Okay. Well, you're all familiar
with raccoons and squirrels and skunks...
I was a skunk for Halloween!
Really? Okay. Well, that's cute.
Well, sometimes, parents don't want skunks
knocking on their door, so they call me,
and I come over, and I kill it.
You kill skunks?
Yeah, yeah. I kill skunks.
I kill possums. I kill rats.
Anything with four legs or more,
I will come over to your house, and I will kill it.
Well, actually, the scientificky term
is exterminate. Isn't that right, Doc?
[STAMMERS] I-I-I...It is.
It's exterminate. In fact,
I'm gonna spell it for you.
Um, exterminate.
Um...
Okay, well, anyway, you get the idea.
And it's really a nice job.
I like it. The money's good.
When I'm out on my own, I'm kind of my own boss.
And, um...
Hey, you mentioned Halloween.
It is sort of like Halloween for the animals.
I give the animals a very special candy,
and they go back to their nest
and they give it to their whole family.
You give the whole family candy?
Yeah. Even the babies.
Yeah.
Oh, and you know how, like, sometimes,
like, if you eat too much candy,
like after Halloween,
you get, like, a tummy ache.
Well, they feel much, much worse.
And they're not gonna be knocking on your door anymore.
Ha. So are there any questions?
What kind of person kills animals for a living?
That is an excellent question.
A licensed exterminator.
You're a psychopath!
How do you sleep at night?
[CLASS BOOING]
Shut the fuck up!
That's my dad.
Show him some respect.
[HEARTFELT MUSIC]
Hi, um, I'm Sam Loudermilk. I'm here to pick up Ben Burns.
Is he ready? My meter's running.
We've been trying to call you.
Oh, well, I probably wasn't checking my phone.
Why not?
Is it some kind of rule of being on the planet
that I have to constantly check my phone?
When you're his "in case of emergency" person, there is.
So what's the emergency?
Mr. Loudermilk,
I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Is he dead?
No, no. God no.
But his wisdom teeth were deeply impacted,
and he had to be given additional medication.
We gave him a tank and a half, and since he came to,
he's been very talkative and erratic.
Okay, well, yeah, that lines up.
[AS THE GODFATHER] Loudermilk.
Look at the massacre of my teeth.
He's been doing Godfather impersonations
for the past hour... Parts I and II.
Please get him out of here before he starts doing III.
All right, I got it from here.
Whoever comes to you with this Barzini meeting...
He's the traitor.
Don't forget that.
LOUDERMILK: I got you home safe. My job is done.
BEN: [IN NORMAL VOICE] Need you to tuck me in.
No.
Can you read me a story?
Fuck off.
[BEN CRYING]
Fuck me.
[SIGHS]
All right, this ought to put you right to sleep.
Oh, what is it?
Uh, Being a Woman.
It's some short story Claire's mom wrote.
Oh."Joanne stood naked
"in front of the mirror.
"She examined every inch of her body,
"the memory of his firm touch still lingering.
"Did she look different since the tryst?
"Smell different?
"Henry would be home soon, and she needed to shower.
"As she let the hot water run down her breasts,
"she closed her eyes and tried to wash away the sins
"of what had just happened in the pizza parlor restroom."
[SNORING]
"But it was impossible.
"Her mind kept returning to his throbbing muscle
"thrusting into her as she clutched
"the stall door for support,
"his broken English and the distant jukebox
"muffling her groans of pain and delight."
What the fuck?
So med school.
That's exciting. Are you ready for that?
Not quite.
I think I still have some partying to get out of my system.
And then, actually, I plan on taking
a year off after graduation.
Kind of traveling the world
before I stuck in a lab for six years, you know?
I spent my junior year of high school in Europe,
and pretty much lived in the museums.
It was awesome...
From what I can remember.
I think I was wasted the entire time.
[LAUGHS] That's awesome.
I can totally picture you sitting in Paris
in a little cafe with a beret on,
eating croissants, sipping wine.
Yeah, not exactly sipping.
Ooh, speaking of which, let's split a bottle.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Hi, can we have a bottle of the Brunello?
Uh...Don't worry.
It's really good.Great choice.
I'll be right back.
Um, about that...
What are you gonna have?
Hmm. Yeah...
I mean, you're gonna have the spaghetti and meatballs.
Oh, yeah.[BOTH CHUCKLE]
I'll probably have something with lots of carbs and cheese,
which is just about everything on the menu.
Yeah, that is awesome. I love that.
A girl who eats real food, not just avocado toast
with Brussels sprouts and a bone broth chaser.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah.
[FOLKSY MUSIC IN BACKGROUND]
♪ ♪
Mm. It's great.
Thank you.
Um...
Oh, do you not like reds?
No, no, actually, the opposite.
I like them a little too much.
WAITER: Enjoy.
Um...
I don't drink.Oh.
I probably should've told you sooner.
I just... I didn't know how or when to say something.
It's totally cool.
Totally fine.
All good.
Um, just so we're on the same page, you are sober.
For two years, ten months, and a week, to be exact.
Well, I mean, I don't have to drink this.
Oh, no, no, no, no, you go ahead.
I actually like watching people drink.
Meth was more my jam, anyway.
Meth?Yeah.
Yeah. Just, um,
trying to be open and honest here.
Um, wow, crazy.
A-any other drugs?
Um...
I mean, there was...
Should we get some appetizers?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, cool.Let's get an appetizer.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
Uh, I'm just reclaiming what's mine.
I get it. She does the same thing with my ottomans.
[LAUGHTER]
Is Claire home?
I need to pick up something from her.
No, she's out somewhere.
I think she's on a date.
Oh. Okay.
You want me to pass on a message?
Uh, no, thanks. Nothing important.
I gave her a short story I wrote recently.
She said she had some notes for me.
I have to turn it in soon, so...
Yeah, your story, I read it.
You did?
Oh, I'm so embarrassed. Um...
Oh, don't be.
I gotta say, it was pretty good.
Best decaf in town.
You have quite the eclectic place.
Oh, thank you. I might go into interior design
if the janitorial gig doesn't work out.
You know, it just occurred to me.
This is my first time here.Mm.
Claire and I weren't exactly on the best of terms
when you were roommates.
Well, for most of the time,
she and I weren't on the best of terms, either.
I don't think I've ever thanked you
for what you did for her.
For our family, really.
You were a godsend. Literally.
Father Michael brought us together, remember?
Yeah, I don't know if I'd call that a godsend.
Wow.
You sure do have a lot of vinyl.
I used to have more.
I'd get about five or six a week
from the record companies back when I reviewed them.
I used to have so many albums when I was a kid.
Huh.I would just lay on my bed
for hours playing music.
That was me, too. I'd wake up on a Saturday,
throw a record on, spend the whole second side
trying to figure out what I'd play next,
and just keep going till my mom came down,
kicked me outside to go play.
[LAUGHS]
Pool. Never heard of them.
Pool?
Huh.
Throw it on.
Let's hear some music.
[BALLADIC ROCK MUSIC]
♪ ♪
This is nice.
Yeah, this is really nice.
I'm shocked I don't remember it.
No, I meant this.
You and me talking like civilized people.
Every time I saw you before, it was...
Well, we were dealing with issues.
Yeah. We were, weren't we?
This is way better, and, you know,
we don't have Father Mike in between us.
♪ ♪
So...
Did you think it was too dark?
What?
Oh. My short story.
Oh, no. Uh-uh, no.
Not at all.
No, I thought it was just dark enough.
It made it really... Really sexy.
Oh.
Well, I suppose I can see where you might find
the sexual symbolism in it.
I'd call that a little more than symbolism.
Well, thanks. I'm so happy you liked it.
I've never shared my writing with anyone, until now.
You're kidding me.No.
So...you think I've got potential?
You know what you have is that you're brave.
That's half the battle right there.
You're not afraid to put yourself out there.
[LAUGHS]
Thank you.
You have no idea
how nice that is to hear.
Claire's father wasn't exactly supportive
of my creative endeavors,
so I was always reluctant
to expose myself like that.
You shouldn't be.
You should just keep on exposing yourself.
♪ ♪
♪ You make me feel
♪ When I'm alone ♪
This is fucking weird.
So fucking weird.
♪ So I blame it on my heart
[SENSUAL MOANING]
♪ And why I always fall apart
♪ 'Cause I get too excited
♪ Too excited
♪ What am I gonna do? ♪
Sam?
Hey. Hey, buddy.
Sorry about that.
[BOTH MOANING]
Hey, what's up?
Not much.
Yeah, so listen, um...
I'm really sorry for not telling you sooner.
You know, about my past.
How could you tell me sooner?
We're just getting to know each other.
Fair enough.
Um, anyway, I just hope it didn't freak you out.
No. Not really.
I mean, maybe a little.
Yeah, it usually does,
which is why I don't typically broadcast it to the world.
No one in college wants to date a boring sober chick.
Claire, you're not... You're not boring.
I think you're a really great girl. I just... I don't know.
I have a lot going on right now, and...
So it did freak you out.
I don't know. I really like you.
I just... your past is kind of a lot to deal with.
You're not dealing with it. I'm dealing with it.
Right, yeah. No, I know. I just...
It's not really a world that I know,
or ever really expected to be in.
It's like, you're, like, kind of like this Courtney Love
type girl, and I guess I'm looking more for like a Courtney Cox.
Who's that?
You don't watch Friends? Uh-uh.
See, we're just so different.
Why don't you just say it?
You don't want to date a recovering addict.
Well, if I'm being completely honest,
if I were making a list of things I look for in a girl,
former meth-head wouldn't be on it.
I'm really sorry.
I'm just not really ready for this.
I'm sorry.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
♪ ♪
Hey.
How you feeling?
[MUFFLED] Like somebody pried my jaw open with a crowbar
and drilled the fuck out of my face.
Hey, how did I even get home?
I-I came and got you.
So, wait, does that...
Y-you don't remember much about yesterday?
Just climbing into the dentist chair,
and getting a mask.
After that, nothing but an overall bad taste in my mouth,
although that could just be the stinky,
bloody bandages still packed into my gums.
Oh, and I remember you boning Claire's mom on the couch.
[LIGHT MUSIC]
Fucker ran for the hills when he found out I was an addict.
I knew I should've lied.
Great plan. Yeah.
Every decent relationship should be based on deception.
No offense, but relationship advice from a burnout stoner
isn't exactly what I'm looking for this morning.
Oh. Stoner?
You know what?
I've never touched a drug in my life.
Yeah, right.
No, dead serious.
No drugs or alcohol, like, ever.
Addiction runs in my family,
and I didn't really feel like joining the crowd.
So you're just like this normally?
Like what?
You know... Weird.
Yeah. This weirdness is 100% me.
You know, for what it's worth, Claire,
this guy's a fucking idiot
for judging you on your addiction.
You're who you are today because of your addiction.
It's taught you compassion and forgiveness and humility
and to cherish the things that you have.
And you know what?
Those are the things that I like about you.
But you're the worst fucking tambourine player ever.
Ever.
[CHUCKLES]
So, Mugsy, how'd it go at your kid's school?
Homerun.Hmm.
CLOUD: Nice.
There you go.MUGSY: Yeah.
His classmates were judgy little fuck-turds, but...
Gerald had my back.
That was pretty cool.
Hey, Claire, how did your date go?
Did you tell him how much you like
driving bumper to bumper? [LAUGHS]
Um, no, Ed.
But thank you for the follow-up.
[SIGHS] Actually, the date sucked.
Turns out, a recovering addict
isn't exactly everyone's dream girl.
Well, you get back on the horse.
Not the horse, but the... [NEIGHS]
Okay.
All right, anybody else before we wrap it up?
Yeah, I got something, too.
Um, yesterday, I had my wisdom teeth pulled,
which, of course, requires some medication.
But today, I can honestly say that the feeling
of being out of control and a bunch of stuff, I just...
I didn't like it.
NEW GUY: I used to love medical procedures.
I once had a vasectomy reversed just to get a little oxy.
Why would you get a vasectomy in the first place?
For the Vicodin.
CLAIRE: Hey, did you read that story I gave you the other day?
Story.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
Uh, yeah, I got it right here.
Um...
Yeah.
I gotta say, I never...
Never thought I'd be admitting this,
but your mom's actually a really interesting writer.
Yeah, sorry to disappoint you,
but my mom didn't write that.
Hm?
It's a whole thing.
She gave me a story, and then she realized
she gave me the wrong story, so she came back
and gave me the right story,
but then by accident, I gave you the wrong story.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
This is my mom's actual story.
"A Nun's Tale"?Yeah.
It's about a deeply religious woman
who questions whether or not to join a convent and become a nun.
Jesus, Claire.
You're messing with people's lives here.
You gotta be careful with this shit.
You're a weirdo.
[DRUGDEALER'S FOOLSPLAYS]
♪ ♪
♪ You've been livin' life on a thin line
♪ ♪
♪ But it really gets you down
♪ Ah ah ah
♪ You can try, but it don't feel right
♪ ♪
♪ Oh, to light a candle for the underground
♪ Ah ah
♪ Not the same song you remember
♪ You can try, but it's just plain wrong ♪
♪ ♪